


Stay

by jaeger_soul



Series: Stay [1]
Category: Danny Phantom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Child Abuse, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 23:04:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 67
Words: 554,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5888662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeger_soul/pseuds/jaeger_soul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dash Baxter is finally a senior and this year isn't supposed to be hard. With nothing waiting on him after graduation, he might as well sleep through his classes. He's already got a job after high school's over, what's the point of reaching for anything more? He's fine with what he has. But when 'more' comes in the form of a black-haired boy with similar problems to his own, can Dash really not try for it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. September

September is one of those shitty months where it’s hanging on the cusp of summer and it’s not autumn yet. It’s this weird stagnant month of the year where the temperature doesn’t know if it should stifle you or not. Tryouts are just around the corner after the first week of school finishes up but that’s not enough motivation to drag myself from my bed on the dreary Tuesday morning I wake up to. It’s not rainy out but the sky is this perpetual gray looming over the town like it might rain. If it could find the motivation. Kind of like me and leaving my bed.

I can hear my dad downstairs, setting the coffee pot on and the sound only makes me bury myself further under my covers, not wanting to face anyone on this shitty day. It’s not even like the first week of school is that important to seniors so why do we even have to go in today? It’s mainly introductions to subjects we’ve already spent the last three years hating.

My phone vibrates against the wood of my desk, a whole three arm’s length away from me. I poke my head out from under my covers and grunt at the noise, wondering how long I can stare at the phone until it magically floats over to me. Maybe if I concentrate enough, the stupid thing will just appear in my hand and I can respond to whoever the fuck is actually awake this early.

It’s probably Kwan. He was surprised I even showed up yesterday considering I’ve skipped the first day of school successfully for the past two years. I’m just not into the whole introduction thing, it’s stupid and useless. We already know our way around this school, why the fuck do we have to listen to teachers telling us which classes are where and what subjects we absolutely must pay attention to because they’re vital to our career? My ‘career’ is nothing more than the auto-shop garage I’ll inherit one day if my pseudo-uncle, Alex, ever gives it up. That place is his life though so I’ll probably forever be the assistant. Doing the jobs he doesn’t care to.

I don’t really mind if the shop is in my name or his. As long as I get to surround myself with cars and the scent of gasoline, I’m good. Every day I come home with oil sticking to my skin and the smell of engines burned into my brain is a good day in my book.

Another text causes my phone to vibrate again, dragging a groan from me in return. I don’t want to leave my bed. It’s not hot outside so the covers aren’t sticking to my skin like they have all summer, but it’s not cold enough to warrant me using the excuse of staying in bed to hold onto the warmth. I really have no excuse for not dragging myself from my mattress and getting ready for school.

My backpack is on my floor, most of the heavy ass textbooks strewn about on my floor. A couple of pencils I’ve chewed and sharpened down to nubs are lying next to them and I know I’ll have to gather them up if I want anything to write with today. Which’ll probably be notes to Kwan instead of any homework assignments because today’s still an introductory day.

The third time my phone vibrates, I’ve had enough of the noise and throw back my covers, huffing out a sigh as I slap my feet against the hardwood floors. I take a second to scrub my hands down the sides of my face before pushing myself from the mattress, walking the three arm’s length to get my phone. The texts light up my screen and I’m going to fucking kill Kwan.

**From: Kwan**

_**Hey! :)** _

**From: Kwan**

_**You’re not skipping today, are you?? This is your final year, you should sit through all the boring stuff with me!** _

**From: Kwan**

_**I’ll let you have some of my lunch if you coooome. My mom sent me with leftover lasagna** _

Goddamn him and his stupid leftovers. We both know how impossible it is for me to resist home cooked meals from his mom. She’s the best fucking cook I’ve ever had a meal from and if anything can convince me to drag my sorry ass to school, it’s the promise of her food. If she wasn’t my best friend’s mom, I’d consider marrying her.

**To: Kwan**

_**Fuck you, I was sleeping** _

Sleep is hard to come by when you’re me and insomnia likes to make you its bitch. I know Kwan’s gonna feel guilty for waking me so I hurriedly tap out another message.

**To: Kwan**

_**Since you promised so nicely, I guess I can show up and help you clear your plate. But if I have to sit through one more teacher telling me that this is the most important year of my life, I’m fucking splitting after lunch** _

I stare down at my phone until the message is sent and then click the screen off, dropping it onto my desk again with a groan. If it weren’t for the promise of food, I wouldn’t be going at all. My bed and I wouldn’t part and I’d watch Netflix all day. Binge rewatch Supernatural until I got sick of it. Which is around the season 6 mark.

My four-year-old backpack groans as I gather up my supplies and cram them into the bag’s splitting material. The smell of coffee is reaching me and I finish cramming my shit away, ready to get a cup of caffeine to take with me on the way. After this week, I’ll have to get up earlier to make practices on time. But for today, I can leisurely stroll through a shower and getting dressed. Fuck, I’m gonna miss this free time in the mornings come next week.

* * *

 

The drive to school is punctuated only by the creak and groan of my old brakes, reminding me I really need to look at my car during my next shift at work. Which probably won’t be until Friday because Alex doesn’t want me to have to “concentrate on anything other than school” during my first week back. Please. I’d kill to fix carburetors and change oil instead of dealing with this useless shit. At least in the shop, I’m working toward my future.

I coast my car to a stop in the first available parking space I spy on the dusty lot of the weathered school, my brakes grinding as I force my car into park. I twist my keys out of the ignition and glance out my windshield, recognizing a few of the voices floating to me through my open windows.

Paulina and her friend Star are standing around with a couple of my teammates, including Kwan, laughing and chatting about the summer’s events. I lean back in my seat and aim the rearview mirror toward me to check my hair. Fortunately, I’m not sporting the bedhead I was this morning and I actually don’t look that bad.

I leave my half-finished coffee in the drink holder and push my car door open, hauling my backpack onto one shoulder. I’m pretty sure one of these days the strap is just going to give out and I’ll have to buy a new one. Or maybe I won’t. It’s senior year, I’ll probably leave it home most days anyway.

"Daaaash!” Paulina’s voice reaches me as she sings out my name, smiling when I drag my gaze up to hers. Her hair swings back over her bare shoulders as she ducks her head shyly and I know the only way she gets away with her clothes is cause her dad’s friends with the principal. Otherwise, I’m sure a teacher would have called her out for her skin showing. I don’t care. More of her to check out.

“Hey,” I respond, clapping my teammate Jeff on the back as I reach him. He turns his grin toward me and my eyes slowly stray toward Paulina. She looks fucking amazing in the shorts that stop just below the curve of her ass and the tank top that dips just far enough to get a peek at the cleavage I kissed this past summer.

“What took you so long, man?” another one of my teammates asks, his hand squeezing my shoulder as he leans forward to give me a shove. “We’ve been making plans all morning without your sorry ass.”

I hitch my backpack up higher onto my shoulder and roll my eyes. “Some of us don’t find the sight of your ugly faces motivation enough to leave the bed,” I respond, glancing around through the group. “So, what’s up? What plans are we talking about?”

“A party at Paulina’s,” Jeff says, crossing his arms as he scuffs the toe of his shoe against the ground, kicking up clouds of dust with the movement. My eyes meet Paulina’s again and she smiles, nodding. “My parents are out of town this weekend, won’t be back until Sunday. I want to see the summer off in style so we’re partying at my place on Friday.”

I snort. “Isn’t that what the bonfire was for last week?” I don’t really care what the party’s for. As long as I can show up and get wasted, it sounds like the place for me. It also comes with the possibility of getting laid, which means I’m definitely there. “What time?”

Paulina shrugs, her shoulders shaking off the hair that’s fallen on them again and I want to reach forward and brush them away. Kiss her collarbones again like we did at her parent’s summer home. My teammates would probably kick my ass if I said any of that shit out loud so I don’t. I just trace the curve of her lips with my eyes and remember the feeling of her nails on my back.

“Probably around seven. The party doesn’t stop until we’re out of alcohol so everyone’s welcome to crash at my place,” she says, smiling around the group. “Invite whoever you want but keep it small, okay? I don’t want it getting out of hand like it did last time.”

I don’t think she even remembers the last time it got out of hand because there was too much alcohol coursing through both of our veins and fueling our frantic movements to care about the other party guests but I don’t bring that up. I lean back against Kwan’s car, turning around when a car pulls into the space next to us. Star turns to look too and wrinkles her nose at who gets out.

“Ew, space boy alert,” Star says, nudging Paulina in the ribs with her elbow. Paulina looks up at the comment and wrinkles her nose in disgust, letting out a soft breath.

She waits until Fenton’s out of his car before she speaks. “Hey, Danny!” she calls out and he turns toward the sound, his cheeks stained with pink at the mention of his name. His gaze scans the crowd of us but he doesn’t say anything. “Looks like you still can’t read. The loser spaces are down there,” she says, pointing with a manicured hand down toward the other end of the parking lot.

Fenton’s face explodes into color and he opens and closes his mouth before huffing out a sigh and turning on his heel. He crosses the parking lot quickly and I watch his black mop of hair disappear into the building before I turn around.

He’s been a target of our group for as long as I can remember. I think it really got started in freshmen year when he dropped some chemistry thing on Paulina and ruined her skirt or something. I don’t really know how it got started but it’s there and he’s been targeted by my friends ever since. I barely pay him any attention. If it’s not alcohol, a car, or something in a skirt, it’s not a blip on my radar.

Star and Paulina are giggling at what I guess was a witty insult. The others are still excitedly chatting about the party which leaves an opening. I slowly move from my position against the side of his car to lean next to Kwan, hoping it comes across as subtle. “You going to this thing?”

Kwan glances toward me, his cheeks pink when my breath hits him. He slowly nods, letting out a small squeak of surprise when he meets my gaze. “Y-Yeah… u-um… are you?”

I shrug and lean against his car again, but we both know that I’ll end up there. The alcohol at least will tempt me out of my room and willing to socialize with people just for the free booze. “Yeah, maybe… dunno, we’ll see.”

Kwan’s hip rests against mine when he settles back into place, letting out a soft breath. This past summer’s been rough for the both of us but I’m pretty sure Kwan took it harder. Finally decided to come out to his parents and now his dad won’t even look at him.

“It’s not like we have practice yet. And you wouldn’t do your homework even if you had any so what does it matter?” Kwan glances toward me with a smile. “How about… we just go and forget everything else for a little while? Get drunk on the thought that nothing beyond the weekend matters.”

With the way the rest of this week is going to go, I’m going to need the promise of Friday to get through all this boring shit. I exhale, turning my gaze skyward as I nod. I forget sometimes that Kwan’s good at reading me but he seems to always know what to say. Shit, he’ll probably be able to tell when I’m struggling before I’ll be able to. Maybe this party is gonna help with the following week, listening to coach drill into all of us for “lazing the summer away”. Maybe it’s what I need to ignore all the other shit in my life. “Alright, sure. Why not?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't been back to Danny Phantom in a while and this chapter was a lot of fun to write. I've also never written in Dash's POV before but hopefully it's okay and pretty in character. Please let me know what you think!
> 
> Edit: The summary only lets me have so many characters so I thought I'd say here that this story is an AU so things that are normal in canon aren't so normal here. While ghost attacks were a daily occurrence in canon Amity Park, this small town version of Amity Park doesn't have to deal with ghosts that way. I hope you still enjoy this story!


	2. It's Only Settling If You Have A Dream

The day goes like I predicted, with little to no actual homework being assigned. Except in Algebra II. That balding teacher looks pretty menacing when he says that if we don't hand in our work on time, we don't get another chance. Just what I need, another hard ass.

Lancer's class is the last one of the day and I spend most of it pitching paper balls toward the trash can when he has his back turned. Jeff joins me halfway through the class but he's the one that gets caught. I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from snickering at the expression on his face as Lancer calls him down.

We're set free after we're assigned a two-page paper on one important thing we did this summer. It's due Monday which puts a damper on the weekend plans. I wasn't planning on dragging myself home until late Sunday night but if I have a paper to write, I'll need to be home and on my computer, pretending like I know what I'm doing.

Fenton's one of the last ones out of the classroom and my teammates block the door with wolfish grins and snickers as he tries to push past. Eventually, Lancer looks up from the board and tells them to move out of the way. Fenton looks like he wants to kiss the ground Lancer walks on as he slips out of the door, making serious tracks to the parking lot.

I yank my backpack up from where I dropped it on the floor and join my teammates on the way out of the room, slapping Jeff on the back as I pass by him. "You looked like you were shitting yourself when Lancer was lecturing you," I jibe, grinning at the way his eyebrows draw down.

"Sh-Shut up!" he responds, jabbing me in the ribs with his elbow. "Dude, that guy's fucking scary, okay? I heard he failed an entire class last semester, the dude's mental."

I roll my eyes, not even bothering to ask where he heard that bull. Jeff believes anything he hears and the rest of us have given up trying to correct him. He'll just explain why he's right anyway so it's pointless.

We leave the school building together and split off in the direction of our own cars with promises to meet up at the party and take shots in honor of the last year of football together. I know at least half of these guys are gonna end up going pro and I'll watch their success stories on the grainy feed from the auto-garage's old TV.

The school parking lot empties out slowly and as I ease my car out behind the line of others waiting, I catch sight of Fenton's car sliding forward. I try to check out his car, figure out the make and model, but movement in the driver's seat pulls my attention back to him. He sits back in the seat, his eyes falling to his phone. I watch him pick it up from the center console and press it to his ear, his eyebrows drawing down as he talks.

When the car behind me beeps, I snap my gaze back up to the line that's moved forward by several cars. As I press the gas pedal, I glance toward Fenton again and he's looking my way with a curious look. Just as our eyes meet, I tear my gaze away, focusing on the road. Jesus, what's his problem?

* * *

 

The drive out to the auto-garage is familiar and winding, letting me relax into my seat as the radio cranks out some song I don't know the name of. It sounds like something I'd listen to so I don't bother changing it. My hands tap the steering wheel in time to the music as I make the turn onto the back road that leads straight to the garage.

Everyone in this town gets their cars fixed and tuned up at Alex's garage. Why shouldn't they? He's a hard worker and his prices are dirt cheap. I was a little shell-shocked when I started working there and was paid over the minimum wage requirement.

The brakes in my car shriek at me again as I pull into a space and I watch Alex's head rise from where he's instructing someone, his hands instantly going to his hips as I kill the engine on my car. I open the door as he starts toward the front of the shop, shaking his head as he runs his fingers through his hair.

"Left my uniform at home so I'll borrow the set in the back again. You still got that one, yeah?" I ask, breezing past him before he can stop me.

"Dash, come on, you're not supposed to be working today," Alex responds, trailing after me. Two customers are talking to Alex's sister, Anastasia, about the state of their car. One glance has me guessing a tune up but considering the busted up front, maybe they cracked something. "Dash, go home, you're not on the schedule today."

"Forget the schedule, man," I respond, moving past a few of my coworkers on my way to the small air conditioned office. As soon as I'm inside, Alex in tow, I discard my phone and keys onto the desk, kicking my shoes off. "Seriously. I need to do something to get rid of this boredom."

I grab the spare set of coveralls with no name tag stitched onto it and unzip it. I've just wrestled it off the hanger when Alex puts his hand on my shoulder with an exhale. "Dash." I flick my gaze up to his with the mention of my name but I shrug his hand off of me, taking a step back so I can get into the uniform.

"What?" I ask, putting one leg in first before the other. The smooth fabric glides over my jeans as I tug it up around my waist, noting that this one fits a little snugger than my regular ones. I shrug it off, pulling it onto my arms, the material catching on fading scrapes, lifting the scabs away from the healing skin. My hand finds the zipper and I pinch my index finger and thumb around the tab, pulling it up to the base of my neck with that satisfying zip noise.

Alex sighs with a grumble, shaking his head again. "You're not… you're not working today, Dash," he says, attempting to sound stern but he doesn't fool me. One look in his eyes and sympathy is all I can see swimming in them.

"Don't," I barely get out before his hands are back on my shoulders again, squeezing like I need some sort of fucking comfort or something. I don't need him to say anything. I don't want him to bring up any of the shit I'm avoiding while I'm here.

"I _know_ it's hard at your house. And I know you hate going home when you don't have to. But I gave you this week off for a reason," he says, holding my gaze despite how much I want to look away from him. "You're supposed to be settling into your first week back at school. This is your _senior_ year in case you forgot."

I shrug his hands off me. "How could I?" I grumble, fixing the lapels of the coveralls before grabbing my phone and keys from the desk, depositing the latter into the drawer Alex lets me keep my shit in and slipping the former into my pocket. "Come on, just a couple of hours. You don't even have to add this on to my paycheck. Just consider it payback for the spring."

His hand catches my elbow as I try to leave and despite not wanting to, I turn back toward him. I meet his gaze still filled with sympathy and pity and everything I don't want to see from him. Or anyone.

"Dash," he says softly, his expression oozing sympathy and making my skin crawl. I can't deal with this from anyone on a good day. I can't take it from Alex. "You know I don't expect any sort of payback. What happened in spring was… that was for you. I didn't do it so you'd owe me."

"Whatever," I respond, pushing his hand off me again and immediately putting distance between us. "I'll just check a few cars, work a couple hours and get going, alright?" He still looks like he might try to stop me so I roll my eyes. "And just for you, I'll start on my English paper as soon as I get home, alright?"

A smile eases its way onto his face and he nods, finally letting me go from the office and back into the garage. The scent of oil and grease is like coming home and I easily locate the red toolbox I've been using since I started working here almost three years ago. This place has become more of a home to me than the house I share with my dad and I wonder how different I would have turned out if I hadn't found this place. How fucked up would I be if I didn't have this escape? Well, this and football.

I sink down onto a stool, sifting through the toolbox to make sure I've got everything I need. Last time Stephen worked my shift, he left half my tools all over the garage. Took me fifteen minutes to track them all down and I haven't let him forget it.

Someone pulls up at the edge of the garage and I look up at the sound, dropping my wrench back into the toolbox. I grab a clean rag and a pencil and shove the rag into the front pocket of my uniform, whistling as I make my way toward the person getting out of the car.

Valerie's head pokes out of the car and I tuck the pencil stub behind my ear as I make my way toward her. She looks up at me and offers the smallest of smiles as we meet in the middle between the garage and her car. "Hey," she says softly.

The sheer compassion I can see on her face makes my throat tighten and I take in a couple of forced breaths to make sure I'm not about to embarrass myself. Last time she saw me I was bawling my fucking eyes out in her lap and I'm not repeating that.

"Hey," I respond, folding my arms over my chest in attempt to feel stronger. Or maybe just look it. Whichever works. I nod toward her car, hoping this is something I can easily fix so she can be on her way. "What'cha bringing Patricia in for?"

She rolls her eyes, mirroring my posture when she crosses her arms. "I still can't believe you name cars." Valerie glances back toward her car with a huff before focusing on me again, the smile never leaving her face. "Just gotta get the oil changed. Dad's been nagging on me to do it since the start of the summer."

"It's been longer than that since you've had it changed," I respond, brushing past her. Some people don't know how to treat their cars and it just makes tune-up's harder. Jesus, you'd think they'd have more respect for their vehicle. "Gimme the keys and I'll drive her in." I hold out my hand and she gestures toward the car.

"In the ignition," she says and I pop the door of her car open. Sinking down into the driver's seat the scene from the summer, just before she left for her internship, plays through in my head. Her fingers carding through my hair, shushing my obnoxious cries and broken, pathetic sobs. The memory burns at the back of my throat and makes my hands clench around the steering wheel.

It's been a while since I've felt that pathetic. The only one who usually gets to see me like that is myself. Occasionally Kwan but it's been weeks. Things haven't been so bad. At least, that's what I tell him. As long as I don't show up with bruises, he'll still think everything's fine.

Valerie steps out of the way as I creep the car forward into the shop, sandwiching it between Lisa and Tracy – a Chevrolet Cobalt and a Jeep Wrangler. I kill the engine and take the keys from the ignition. I bounce them between my hands as Valerie follows me up into the shop and when she's close enough, I toss them to her.

She catches them easily and I gesture toward the waiting area on the other side of the garage. "Waiting area's over there, like always," I say, opening up the hood of her Toyota Prius. "Should only take me twenty minutes so it won't be a long wait."

Instead of going over to the waiting area, she hops onto the stool closest to my work space, dragging a grumble out of me. "Oh come on, I won't get in the way," she says with a grin when I look back at her. Something tells me that's exactly what she'll do.

"Fine, just… don't distract me," I respond with more bite to my words than I intended. It doesn't change the expression on her face so I don't care. I just kick the nearest floor jack over to her car before kneeling down on the concrete of the shop to locate the tow hooks. As soon as I get the jack positioned how it needs to be, I start pumping it until the front of her car lifts high enough off the concrete.

I leave it the way it is and move around to the side of her vehicle, sliding a stand under it to keep it supported. After a push or two to make sure it's not gonna go sliding off the jack and crush my skull in, I grab my faded shop creeper, flopping onto it with a sigh. I drag my toolbox with me and slide underneath her car, scanning the underside to find the drain plug.

The silence is thick in the shop and even though I can hear the chatter of my coworkers talking to the customer's they're with, it's not enough to quiet the way my heartbeat rings in my ears. "H-How was your internship?" I find the courage to say, glad I don't have to look at her when I ask that.

I locate the drain plug and dig a wrench from my toolbox, positioning it around the plug. I twist once but stop when I hear Valerie clear her throat. My hands still on the tool and I slowly draw in a breath.

"It was good. The bosses were impressed with my performance and thought I really had a knack for this," she says softly. Her voice is always soft when she talks about her passion. No one in their right mind would admit to wanting to be a part of the government's ecto-threat division. It took Valerie a long time to admit it to me and we've known each other since we were twelve. When her parents lived on the same street as mine and we had backyard barbecues every summer.

I grunt in response, twisting the drain plug again until it pops off. The oil sprays into a tray I push under it at the last second and some of it splashes up onto the side of my face. I stare at the draining oil for a minute before I roll out from under the car, not meeting Valerie's eyes when I look her way. "So, you think you're a shoo-in for the position next year?" I ask, my gaze never rising higher than her collarbones.

Her shoulder's shrug and I take that as my cue to move on. "Uh… can you hand me that oil filter wrench?" I ask, gesturing toward it. She picks up what I'm looking for and turns back to me with a questioning glance. I nod and hold my hand out for it.

"I don't know if I'm exactly a shoo-in," she replies when I take the tool from her. She leans back against the stool but doesn't get back on it, staring out into the garage as I roll back under the car. It takes a couple of tries before I manage to get the wrench around the oil filter, twisting until I think I have an aneurysm before it comes loose.

Oil sprays down onto the concrete and the steady dripping distracts me momentarily from the conversation. Any time my head's under a car or hood, it makes me forget about everything else. The smell of oil and gasoline is soothing to me and I can pretend that nothing else matters for a little while. I think that's one of the reasons Alex let me stay.

"Yeah?" I ask, watching the oil continue out of the side of the filter. "What makes you say that? Somebody else have a higher chance?" From the dedication Valerie shows in her other areas of life, I'm guessing if someone beat her out, it's because they cheated or they know someone that she doesn't. The oil finishes dripping out of the filter and I take it completely off, dropping it into the tray where the oil is still draining.

"I guess…"

From what I can see, she's scuffing the pavement with the toe of her shoe, kind of a nervous habit she's had as long as I've known her. It was with her every day she was in the hospital with her mom when I brought by food from the local deli and her homework assignments. Her mouth would smile but her feet would toe the ground, reminding me that she was afraid. I think we were both waiting for some sort of miracle and almost ran out the breath we were holding when it didn't happen.

I slide out from under the car to look at her. This time, I don't keep my eyes from hers and the sadness that was there two summers ago is still in her eyes and it makes my chest ache. I draw in a breath and rise from the creeper. I take the rag from my pocket and wipe off the oil on my fingertips before reaching across the distance between us to squeeze her shoulder, waiting until she looks up at me to give her a rare smile. "You'll get it. There's no one in the world that cares more about this shit than you do."

She smiles in response, nodding her head thanks. I return the rag to my pocket and leave to move further into the shop, trying to locate an oil filter. My eyes are scanning the shelves when she calls out to me. I spare a glance over my shoulder and she slides back onto the stool, kicking her legs forward.

Valerie tucks a strand of hair behind one ear. "Have you thought any more about your future?" she asks, in that delicate way she always does. It reminds me that she thinks I could stretch for more when I'm just fine settling.

I grin, gesturing to the walls that make up this shop. My home away from home. "You're looking at my future, baby." I only laugh when she rolls her eyes, knowing that she still doesn't get it and probably never will. Kwan doesn't either. My teammates, girlfriend's, teachers and even Alex don't understand it. The higher you reach, the further you fall when you fail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the reviews and messages you've sent me. I really appreciate the feedback and support. Updates will be every other Tuesday for those of you that were curious. I'd love it if you would let me know your thoughts on this chapter and I hope you enjoy it!


	3. Don't Think I'll Ever Get Enough

If there's one thing this town gets excited over, it's football. As I'm leaving my classes on Friday, every teacher tells me they're excited for this new season. With tryouts on Monday during our regular gym period, anyone that's trying out gets to skip PE for the day. Which means a lot of people are probably going to show up on the field with no plans to actually try out. I can't blame them. Forty-five minutes with Tetzlaff is brutal. I'd skip it too if I were in their position. Shit, that's how I even landed the spot of quarterback in freshmen year.

So, on my way out of the school on Friday, a bunch of people I've never noticed before are wishing me luck on tryouts. I don't need luck to keep my place on the team but I don't tell them that. I say thanks every time and I even give most of them a smile.

As soon as I step outside, joking around with my teammates, I see Paulina leaning against the side of my car, reminding me of her long legs beneath that sun dress I eased off her body during the summer. The white wine spilling onto the even whiter carpet in the summer home we practically spent the whole of July in. It reminds me of those few minutes where we let our hands and not our mouth's do the talking.

I give a final elbow jab to the guys before telling them I'll see them tonight at the party. Their eyes follow my line of sight and they wolf-whistle in my ears, jostling me as I stumble down the last few steps. I tear my gaze away from Paulina just long enough to give them the middle finger and then my attention is back on her. My hand hitches my backpack further onto my shoulder and I cross the parking lot quickly.

"Hey you," Paulina says, her smile genuine and just for me. She reaches forward and pokes me in the ribs with one delicate index finger. I capture it in my hand and quickly thread our fingers together, a smile easing its way onto my face.

"Hey," I respond. The lines around her eyes crinkle up when I speak and I run my free hand up her arm, enjoying the way it brings goosebumps to the surface of her skin. This is probably the part where I'm supposed to ask how her day went but we're not dating. We decided that at the end of the summer. I feel like something should be said to fill the silence so I sweep my gaze down her frame before returning to her eyes. "You look good."

Her eyes sparkle in the dying summer sunlight and I count the colors you can see in them. I used to think Paulina's eyes had an unbelievable number of different shades and hues - I couldn't number them all- but I've known her long enough that I can see there are eight. No one has more than a handful of different shades in their eyes. Hers are varying shades of swimming pools and uncharted waters and I can find each one in a single second.

Paulina rests her other hand against my chest, making the skin tighten beneath her touch. "You're still coming to my party tonight aren't you?" she asks, all fluttering lashes and lips I haven't kissed in what feels like ages. Her fingers curl against my shirt, tugging the fabric down as she pulls me closer to her. Our mouths collide, her teeth softly grazing my bottom lip. It twists up memories inside myself, back to a time when I thought I could have a girlfriend and not fuck things up.

She's the one to pull away and it's only so she can stare up at me with pleading eyes. Like she has to even beg me to come to this thing. It's free beer and from the doe eyes she's giving me, there's a high possibility of ending the night in her bed.

"Yeah… yeah, I'm still gonna be there," I respond, dancing my fingers up her arm and smirking when she squirms. "I'll see you tonight."

We part and I throw my backpack through the open passenger window of my Mitsubishi, my eyes lingering longer on my car than the girl in front of me. I untangle my fingers from her grip before flicking my gaze back to hers with a smirk. "Save a shot for me."

* * *

 

Dad's still at the station when I get home so I have the place to myself. Party doesn't start till seven so I crash on the couch, eating chips out of a bowl balanced on my stomach as I channel flip. It's all pretty meaningless stuff when I know there's beer and a hot girl waiting for me. But if I show up too early, I'll look eager as fuck and I'm not into looking pathetic.

My phone vibrates in my back pocket and I have to tip the bowl carefully so I don't spill the chips everywhere as I dig it out, glowering at the screen.

**From: Dad**

_**Going to be late tonight** _

I stare down at the message before dropping my phone onto the couch with a dull thud. I cram another chip into my mouth and snap my teeth together harder than what's probably necessary. I've learned at this point to keep cash on me for the nights he doesn't come home and I have to get something for myself. Somehow, he never remembers to stock the fridge. Whatever, not like I care.

When the chip bowl is empty and I've given up trying to find something to zone out on, I make my way upstairs, picking through the clothes I have in my closet, deciding on a pair of shorts I normally wear during morning runs and a t-shirt for _Imagine Dragons_.

I ditch the clothes I put on this morning and change into the new ones, smoothing the material of the shirt across my chest until it's mostly wrinkle free. There's still around twenty minutes before people are supposed to show up so I hang around in my room, checking a couple of social networks to fill the boredom.

There are already a couple photos of the outside of Paulina's home, the sun setting behind her three story house sandwiched in between two identical ones in one of the upper crust suburban neighborhood's Amity Park has to offer. The photos are posted mostly by girls on the cheer-leading team with Paulina but there are a few updates from Kwan and I scroll through them, pressing like on his most recent one.

Time ticks by slowly so I leave the comfort of my bedroom and venture out onto the landing, glad I won't be coming home tonight. I briefly wonder about grabbing a pair of clothes to change into the following morning but I decide against it. I don't mind the walk of shame cause dad's never around to see it anymore. When mom was still here, I-

I come to a halt in the middle of the staircase, my breath leaving me like a punch to the gut. I can never think of mom without conjuring up the last time I saw her face, stained with tears and begging me to understand. Pleading with me to grasp that she was abandoning me. To forgive her for leaving me with him.

My lungs cry out for oxygen and I gulp down a few breaths, sinking down onto the staircase and scrubbing my hands over my face. Fuck. I haven't thought of mom since the last Christmas we spent together. My junior year. We were both sporting bruises from his hands so there are no pictures from that day. There's nothing concrete for me to hold onto and I'm not sure if I'm disappointed or not.

The party. I need to just drive to the party and get so fucking smashed that I can't remember the sound of her scream or the shattering dishes my father flung from the table. I need to get to the point where I forget the tears in her eyes when she told me this was goodbye. When she packed a bag in the middle of the night and came into my room to kiss me one last time. She said she loved me but the words left her mouth as she was leaving me on the driveway after I followed her out of our home that was only a house without her there to weather this storm with me.

_Don't think about it. Stop fucking thinking about it._

My mind is crawling with a thousand ways it could've gone right if she'd just taken me with her but I can't go there. I can't come up with new exciting ways to torture myself tonight. There's a party. And alcohol. And the hottest girl I've ever laid my eyes on. Tonight will be fun. It has to be.

* * *

 

The clock on my dashboard rolls over to seven forty by the time I park at the edge of Paulina's driveway and I can hear the party already going on in the backyard. The gate is open so as soon as I kill my engine, I head in that direction, my ears picking up the sounds of splashing and general chaotic squealing from girls being tossed into the pool.

I step through the gate and scan the backyard as soon as I round the house, locating Paulina in the middle of this chaos. She's standing with her hands clasped behind her back as she watches the scene unfold – her friends being tossed into the pool and eagerly climbing out to have it done again, giggling at the way my teammates are able to hold them up so easily.

Paulina's back is to me and I head in that direction. Her kisses and the alcohol that's here somewhere will drown out the thoughts of my mom. My dad. Of every fucked up thing that's led me to this point. Sent me barreling down this path. My footsteps match the pounding of my heart and when I reach her, I surprise her by planting a kiss to her cheek. We're not dating but I can still play the doting boyfriend card if I want to.

She turns toward me, her face lighting up when she sees it's me. "Daaash!" she sings, throwing her arms around me as she hugs me. My fingers grip the back of her tank, probably stretching the fabric, but she doesn't say anything. Her hands run through my hair, smoothing it down as I try to center my gravity again. This is where I belong. In the middle of the parties so loud I can't hear myself think and knocking back alcohol so strong I can't remember how to feel anything other than buzzed.

When she pulls away, her eyes are kind. "You okay?"

I shrug, my eyes sweeping the party before I decide to be honest with her. My gaze connects to hers again and I let out a shaky breath that I wish was stronger. "Just… been thinking about my mom," I mumble, the words burn like acid on their way out. I can feel the aftermath of saying that out loud in the way my chest aches and when my hands tighten into fists.

I think I expect that same kindness in Paulina's eyes to come pouring from her mouth when she speaks. Maybe that's why it feels like a slap when it doesn't. "Don't bring everyone else down, okay? This is supposed to be fun." Her nose crinkles up when she says the word 'down' like she's never experienced the feeling in her life. Like the only disappointment in her life is a bad tan-line on her sun kissed skin.

She was the only one besides Kwan that I was honest with in sophomore year. Told the both of them how bad I was struggling. Her and I started dating seriously that year but that summer she went away and when she came back, there was a difference to her. Like she'd distanced herself from my problems and only cared if I was there to bring gifts or help her start a party.

To hear her brush this off makes my skin crawl. It makes me want to turn around and leave this stupid party. But leaving this means going home and of the two, Paulina's the lesser evil. No matter how thin that line gets every day.

"Whatever," I spit, leaving her arms in search of alcohol. Something to numb the pain. To make it all go away. To make the pounding in my head and the pressure in my chest ease for just a little while. Jack Daniels is a favorite of mine and dad always has him in the liquor cabinet back home. But fuck, I'll take a Bud Light or a Coors any day. Which is exactly what I find on the refreshment table across the yard from the pool.

A few of my teammates are near it but I don't look at them. I pick up the first can my fingers touch and pull it up from the cooler, popping the tab with my thumb in a fluid motion. It's cold in my hands but I don't care about how it feels going down. I drain half of it before I stop to breathe, chugging the rest of it when my lungs stop bitching for air.

I grab a second one but only take a few sips before I'm wandering around the yard, trying to remember why I came if it wasn't for the beer. Kwan's leaning against the side of the house, talking quietly with a guy I've never seen before.

His hair is parted on one side, kinda flopping into his eyes. It bobs in and out of his vision as he talks but he's got a grin plastered across his face when Kwan laughs, touching his hand to the guy's chest. I guess he's the one Kwan's been telling me about. They met on some dating app just before the start of summer so I've heard about him non-stop.

Deciding this is as good a time as any to meet him, I casually stroll near the two, waiting until Kwan realizes it's me before looking his way. His hand leaves the guy's chest but it's only to wave at me. "Hey, Dash!"

I wander a little closer, offering up my best attempt at a smile. It's probably a shitty one given the circumstances but I make an effort for Kwan. "Hey man," I say softly, my gaze drifting toward my best friend. He's beaming and I decide to make myself scarce after this. Despite the bitchy way she said it, Paulina's right. Tonight's supposed to be fun and if my skulking is obvious, Kwan won't have a good time. He'll be focused on me and I'm not doing that to him.

"H-Hey, Dash, right?" the guy asks, holding his hand out toward me. "I'm Jared, I've heard a lot about you."

I shake the hand he's extended. "Same here. I'm surprised I didn't know you were coming, cause Kwan hasn't shut up about you," I respond, sipping my beer again as I ignore the daggers my best friend shoots my way.

"Shut up, that's not true," Kwan says, his face flushing as he leans over to push my shoulder. His laugh is shaky and I guess it's cause he's nervous. I've never understood that about Kwan or the other guys on my team. They get nervous around girls – or in Kwan's case, guys – and I've never felt that way. It's just small talk until you fuck. How difficult can it be?

Kwan's eyes stray back toward Jared and he smiles softly. "Jared was just telling me about what he's studying after high school," he says, urging the guy on to tell me.

Jared ducks his head and I guess he's embarrassed or shy about it. "Uhh… I'm um, I'm going into photography," he admits, bobbing his head in a nod as he flicks his gaze up to mine again. "Y-Yeah, I uh, I've always been interested in it but I just recently decided to go for it."

I nod, taking another drag from my can. "That's great, man." I flick my gaze toward Kwan and decide to torture him a little. "I'm sure Kwan would be a willing subject in your work." Kwan squeaks and I smirk despite the glare he throws my way.

Kwan opens his mouth to retort but we both turn when our names are called out across the lawn. The guys from the team are jogging over to us, a bottle of chartreuse in Jeff's hands. One of the wide receivers, Blake Weston, has shot glasses stacked in his hands, eagerly grinning at the pair of us.

"It's shot time," he says, passing out glasses to the rest of the team.

I take the glass I'm handed but my eyes stray back to the bottle and I raise an eyebrow when Jeff meets my gaze. "Stole that from Paulina's house, huh?" There's no way Jeff's parents would willingly have a bottle like that in their house, especially knowing how shit-faced he gets on just a couple of beers.

He grins, nodding his head. "She won't care. Her parents won't even miss it, dude they had so many other bottles in there, you wouldn't believe it."

Actually, I do. I was well acquainted with the Sanchez' liquor cabinet both here and at their summer home. It's one of the best things about being a part of this crowd. The alcohol never runs out and keeps my head fuzzy enough not to think. I'm gonna miss them come next year when they're all in colleges and working toward whatever the hell they decide to do with their lives.

My teammates and I crowd our glasses together as Jeff pours the chartreuse in each one until they're almost overflowing, each one of us carefully bringing it away from the others so we don't spill it. Kwan hands Jeff's over to him and all at once, we throw it down our throats, letting the spicy burn follow up after the momentary sugary taste.

"To the new season!" Blake yells, snatching the bottle from Jeff's hands to pour us all another shot. None of us complain and we all throw it back with yells of the same thing. I notice Kwan doesn't take the second shot, instead passing it off to Jared. They disappear shortly after that and I stop counting how many shots I take.

Tonight's supposed to be about seeing the summer off and welcoming in the new season. Not caught up in the past or thinking about might have happened if things had turned out differently. I throw back whatever alcohol is passed my way until I can't see straight.

* * *

 

The party's still alive around ten and I'm so fucking buzzed, I can't walk without stumbling. I bump into people and I think I mumble sorry a couple of times but I don't care. I can't care when I'm like this. It's amazing. This is what I come to these things for. Kwan was right. I'm drunk on the feeling that nothing matters beyond the weekend.

A lot of people are in the pool now and I'm about to join them. I'm in the process of kicking my shoes off when a hand dances along my shoulder blades, turning me around immediately. Paulina stares up at me, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip. Her fingers run through my hair and her gaze is inviting. I step closer to her and my hands already know what to do. I've lost all ability to resist her. The alcohol and the longing are coursing through my veins and twisting my gut further as my lips kiss hers.

Paulina drags her fingernails down the nape of my neck and I groan, stumbling backward with her as we head toward her house again, her bedroom the only thing on either one of our minds.

Her mouth fits perfectly against mine and once we make it to her bedroom, it takes me a few minutes to realize we're there. I don't remember climbing the stairs or even leaving the backyard. Suddenly, we're just… here. And she's staring up at me as she sinks down onto her mattress, her lip captured by her teeth again. She knows how weak I am to that. Knows how much it drives me crazy to see that white on pink. Knows I love tracing the indents of her teeth with my tongue.

I groan, making my way to where she's sitting, and kneel on the floor in front of her. Our lips meet again and it's clumsy with alcohol and shaky fingers and want. The need to have our bodies molded together again sparks higher than anything else I feel and suddenly we're stripping.

Her hands work my shirt off and I follow suit with her tank, kissing my way down the valley of her breasts, my hands cupping her ribs as my mouth works. She tilts her head back, her hair falling over her shoulder, tickling the backs of my hands.

We don't stay clothed for long and then we're on her bed. And we're kissing and she's pulling my hair. I'm biting on her skin and she's dragging her nails down my spine. The heat builds between us and for just a few minutes, we're both overcome with the feeling of belonging to someone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the latest chapter! Poor Dash... that boy gives into Paulina so easily.
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from the song 'Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time' by Panic! At The Disco. I put that song on repeat while writing the party scenes because the whole vibe of the song is what I wanted to come across in the chapter. I hope I did a good job with it. I appreciate all feedback and do my best to respond to everyone. I look forward to hearing from all of you!


	4. Pretty Mouths Tell The Harshest Truths

I guess we fell asleep because when I wake up, it's dark out and the too damn bright screen of my phone tells me it's just past six. I stare at the time until the screen clicks off and I'm still left trying to make sense of it. I haven't slept over at her house in a long time but I guess I really was that drunk.

The inside of my mouth is like sandpaper and I run my tongue back and forth over my teeth to get rid of the feeling. All it does is give me a taste of my own breath and I quickly realize how awful that is. The taste of morning after alcohol on your tongue is something you never forget.

It's too hot to be six but I don't want to get up. If I get up, I'll have to drive home and there's a chance my dad could be getting up right now to start his morning shift. I don't want to chance running into him during my walk of shame. Not to mention getting up would mean putting some clothes on. And I have no fucking clue where we flung them in our haste to get in each other's pants.

Rolling over onto my back eases some of the heat surrounding me and I only keep a thin sheet over my lower half just in case someone comes barging in and finds us still tangled around each other. I'm not thrilled with the idea of my balls being out in the open for anyone walking in to get a look at.

* * *

 

Drifting back off isn't as difficult as I thought it would be and the next time I open my eyes, they're almost crusted shut and the sun is awake again, beating down through Paulina's open blinds.

With a squint, I drag the nearest pillow over my head, blocking out the obnoxious rays reaching me and I let myself ease back into a dreamless rest. It feels like it only lasts about a minute before the sound of a door opening snaps me awake. I don't think the adrenaline rush I get from hearing a door open is ever going away but at least I've perfected the art of pretending like I didn't just have a mini fucking heart attack.

"M'lina?" I mumble through the pillow, slowly shifting it off my head. She's dressed again, a cardigan on over her tank top and shorts so short I wonder if she's teasing me. I gave her that cardigan, I realize before I scoot closer to her, practically hanging off the edge of the bed. "Hey. How'd you sleep?"

She shrugs and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. She moves around in her room, gathering up a few things and dropping them into her purse. "Fine. I'm meeting some of the girls at the mall so you need to get up." Paulina spares a quick glance toward me before her attention is quickly captured by her phone, vibrating in the bottom of her purse.

I watch her dig through the contents of her bag before she finds it, frowning down at the screen. My clothes are lying in the middle of her bedroom, my boxers just at the edge of the circular rug she got last year. I was with her when she picked it out, crooning over how this shade would complement this in her room. Or how this other one would go better with her general décor.

Paulina huffs out an irritated sigh and turns back toward me. "Seriously, you need to get going," she says, holding my gaze when I look up at her.

I grin, dragging my tongue over my teeth. "Are you just saying that cause you're meeting the girls? Cause we both know you'd much prefer if I stay in your bed all day. Give you something to come home to."

It's meant as a joke. A stupid shitty joke. But Paulina never gets that. She thinks all the shit that leaves my mouth is serious and I always forget not to joke with her if I'm not ready for her claws and venom to sink into me.

"No," she says with a small noise of disgust. "No, Dash, I don't want you to stay in my bed. Last night was…" She lets out a breath and the look that passes over her face is some kind of disgust mixed with disbelief. "A mistake."

I don't know what I expected. It's not like I wanted her to say "thanks for the fuck" before kicking me out. I guess I wanted it to mean something to her. Even if it was just a few minutes between two horny people, I just expected something different. "At least we used a condom then," I say, another shitty attempt at an even shittier joke.

She shakes her head and hitches her purse up onto her shoulder, shaking her head slowly. "No, Dash, I just… I don't want you in my bed again. I can't… we can't do this anymore." Paulina gives me a last look before heading for the door. Some twisted part of myself can't let it end there. Can't let it be vague and a possible "it's not you, it's me". No. That fucked up part of myself has to know why.

"Why not?" I ask, my voice smaller than I want it to be. It comes out pathetic and pleading but I'm only asking a question. It's not like her answer's gonna break me or something. It's just a question and I'm just expecting an answer.

Paulina sucks in a breath before turning around to look at me, her expression unreadable. "Because you're not the kind of guy that people stay with, Dash. You're good for a little while but then…" She flicks her gaze away from mine, shaking her head as I feel every ounce of the verbal punches she's throwing my way. "Then it's just the same old shit with you and it gets stale. Y-You just get… it's pathetic. You wallow and I let you and I just… I can't do that anymore."

She glances my way again before easing her bedroom door open. "Don't be here when I get back. I don't want to do this anymore." The door closes behind her and it hits me how wrong I was. I thought an answer wouldn't break me and it almost fucking did.

I drive for what feels like forever after I leave her place. I can't think straight. She's right. She's so fucking right and it hurts. It burns from the depths of the self-hatred I thought I'd buried long ago. Not the kind of guy people stay with. I didn't need her pretty mouth to tell me the things my mind spits at me every night I'm not drunk enough to stop thinking.

My hands are tight on the steering wheel and I think I'm bruising the insides of my palms with my grip. I push the gas pedal more, watching the tiny needle flick up past the sixty, creeping its way toward seventy. Eighty. Ninety.

The wind is flying in through my open windows, blocking out everything running through my mind. It's just me and my car, the speed almost blinding as I zip down the familiar back roads this town has to offer me. The speed and the air makes me forget about Paulina. The look on her face as she contradicted what she told me in sophomore year. When I asked if she'd leave when things got tough, she said no, She'd shaken her head so firmly, I knew she wasn't lying. Or I thought she wasn't at the time. Fuck, I don't know. My head hurts and it's not entirely from the hangover.

Eventually, I run out of roads to wind my car down and I give up trying to dislodge the knot in my chest or forget the curve of her lips when she spoke my undoing. I give up trying to do anything other than survive and I have to wonder when it stopped being that. It was survival after mom left and it's how it's always going to be. No one's waiting to put their lips on me and kiss my broken pieces or put me back together. It's just on me to drink until it stops hurting and fall asleep before my demons catch up to me, whispering the truth into my ears.

* * *

 

The house is empty when I get back, which makes this easier. I strip down before I'm even in the bathroom, running the water so fucking hot I can't breathe in all the steam. Just don't think. It's been my mantra for as long as I can remember and I really need to take my own advice sometimes.

My head leans against the tub wall for only a split second before I force myself to snap out of it. Push it all down. To the depths of my soul. Just forget about all of it until I can even bullshit myself into thinking I don't care anymore.

When the steam's too much and I desperately need something cooler, I turn the water off and get out of the tub, only bothering to wrap a towel around myself because I left my blinds open last night. As much as the neighbors would like a peep show, I keep my hand clamped around my towel the entire time I'm gathering my clothes, only letting it fall when I've pulled my boxers on.

The house is too quiet and I don't give a shit what Alex says, I'm not sticking around here doing homework when I know there are cars to work on. Problems I can actually fix. I'd rather spend my day surrounded by a machine's broken pieces than my own.

My expression must be murderous because the old lady across the street doesn't even wave toward me and she does that every time she sees me. This time, she just keeps her nose buried in whatever book she's reading and I do my best to pretend she's not glancing at me when I turn my back to get in my car. I rev the engine a couple of times before backing out of my driveway, faster than I probably should, and taking off down the street with squealing tires and groaning brakes.

I'm flying until I get a mile from Alex's garage, only slowing down cause I know he'll fuss at me for driving recklessly. What does it matter? He's the only one that'll miss me if I end up wrapped around a telephone pole. Well, Kwan would too.

The place is busier today which is good news for me since Alex probably won't have time to ask what the hell's going on with me. I'm already dressed in my uniform so maybe he won't even see me slip in. I grab my phone and earbuds from the passenger seat, tucking them down into my pocket before I get out of the car.

I punch my time card at the front of the shop before cramming it back into my wallet, scanning the crowd of people before I recognize Anastasia's hair, the same dark brown she shares with her brother. I move toward her immediately, crossing my arms over my chest when she turns toward me. I nod toward the clipboard on the tray in front of her. "Who can I take?"

She raises an eyebrow, her eyes scanning the shop and I guess she's looking for her brother. He said something about me not working today when I mentioned the party after Valerie left on Tuesday. If Alex were the one standing in front of me, it'd take more convincing for me to get my hands on a car. But she's not like her brother and shrugs, gesturing toward a Honda Element two spaces down from where we are.

"They need their tires rotated, you can get started on that."

I glance at it for a second before I'm looking at her again, nodding. I hope she can see how grateful I am that she doesn't ask why I'm here on a day that I'm supposed to be off. The anger is probably etched into the lines of my face but she doesn't ask. I could kiss her for that.

"Thanks," I mumble, starting for it as my hand slides into my pocket, digging out my earbuds. It takes me a couple of seconds to untangle them but as soon as they're free, I jam them into my ears and crank up whatever the hell I left playing.

It sounds a little like Three Days Grace but I don't know for sure and I don't care enough to check. I just get right to work, squatting down next to the beautiful Honda as I inspect it for the damage I know is there. My fingers run across bald spots on the tires and one of them is close to needing to be changed out instead of rotated but whatever. This is what they're paying for and I'm not in the mood to discuss options with customers.

I've gotten the lift arms up underneath the car by the time the song changes and this is something I recognize a little better. It's one by a band I rarely listen to these days but it's a song I should have probably followed the advice of a little better. Causal Sex. When Paulina and I quit dating and just started fucking, this song should have been the advice I followed. But I let my heart and not my nuts do the leading and I think I fell for her all over again during this summer.

The Honda rises on the lift and I watch it until it's high enough that I can get to everything without having to crouch. Alex likes to work on his cars a little lower than I do but I've got a couple inches on him so I guess that makes a difference. Doesn't really matter. As long as I get the job done and can get lost in the feeling of doing things that matter, I don't care.

It takes me a few minutes to get the hubcaps off each of the tires and I lean them against the lift in the order I take them off in. As soon as I lay the last one down, I get to work switching out the tires, letting the music take me back to a time when I didn't give a shit. When Paulina would touch me and my heart didn't care. I let myself get so fucking attached to her since junior year and I don't think I've ever admitted to myself how deep I'm in.

Anastasia's heading my way but she's sidetracked by one of my coworkers asking her a question. She pauses to chat, casting a few glances toward me as I continue to work. The tires switch out easily enough and I'm almost finished putting the last of the hubcaps back on when she comes over to my spot, crossing her arms as she watches me work.

I squeeze the volume buttons on my phone through the thick material of my uniform, just dialing it down enough to where I can hear her if she says something to me. She doesn't so I continue working, spinning the last cap into place before I turn toward her. I glance around the shop before taking out an earbud and meeting Anastasia's stare. "What now?"

My fingers find the lift buttons again and I have to slam my left palm against the brake twice before it catches and I'm able to lower the car back to the ground. As soon as it touches the concrete, Anastasia clears her throat. "My brother's looking for you, in the office."

"Fuck." The word is dragged out of me before I can stop it and I yank my other earbud from my ear, clicking my phone off before I tuck the earbuds away. I scrub one hand down my face before flicking my gaze toward her again. "Did he say why?"

She shakes her head and gestures toward a Ford Ranger on my other side. "No, but whenever you're done, that's all yours if he lets you stay. Transmission needs replacing."

The odds of Alex standing his ground and making me go home are pretty slim but there's always that chance that he will. But if not, that car's mine. I smirk before nodding. "Be right back. Don't let anyone take her." I spare another glance at it. "She looks like an Edith to me. What do you think?"

Anastasia rolls her eyes and gestures toward the office. "Go before _I_ kick you out."

None of the people I work with get the whole naming cars thing and I don't know where I picked it up. I guess it's always been one of those things I do unconsciously. I named my first car Tony before I'd even thought about it. I chose the name Rider for the car I currently own– something Alex let me fix up over the years I've been working here – before I knew it was going to be mine. When Tony was destroyed, Alex just gave Rider to me. He didn't have to ask to know it wasn't me who totaled the first car. I was always careful with Tony cause it was my first car. Alex knew I hadn't been the one to beat that car all to shit but he's never asked so I've never confirmed that sometimes I'm not dad's only punching bag.

Something tells me today's conversation's gonna be about as easy as that one was.

* * *

 

Alex's voice is soft when he calls for me to come in and I think he's tired judging from the bags under his eyes I see as soon as I step inside. I push the door closed behind me and he gestures to the chair across from his with a soft sigh.

I collapse into it, leaning back into the fake cushion that's mostly just plastic stuffed with more plastic. "What's up?" I ask, my eyes straying over the mess in the office. He always says he'll get around to organizing everything one day. But when he goes looking for something, he always knows right where it is. I don't see a problem with how he keeps it.

He meets my gaze for a few seconds before shaking his head. "What are you doing here today? I thought you had a party."

I shake my head, dropping my gaze to his desk, piled high with papers and forms and a few spare car parts. "Nope, that was last night," I respond, hesitating only a second before I add. "Was fucking crazy, you shoulda seen it." I chance a look up at him and a soft smile is playing on his lips.

"I don't know if you know this but seeing you get wasted doesn't sound like fun to me," he says, laughing a little. It's a hollow sound, just something to fill the silence. As soon as the laugh is over, the silence creeps in again, uncomfortably blanketing the both of us.

I huff out a sigh, trying to do something to disturb the quiet. "Yeah, well… you also don't get out much," I say, a pathetic jab at something I know he doesn't care about. He was twenty-five when we met and he was the only person his age that I knew of who wasn't out partying. Even now, almost four years later, he's still the only person under thirty in this town that's not married or at least divorced.

Alex smiles softly, finally meeting my gaze without shying away from it. "Dash… why are you working here? It's your senior year. You should be sending off college applications and working toward your goals. Why are you… why are you spending your time here?"

That knot in my chest earlier is back and it's settled comfortably now, twisting around my arteries and squeezing for every drop of blood I can give up. "Cause," I spit out, trying to keep my breathing even. He knows. He already fucking knows why I'm here instead of 'working toward my goals'. What goals would I have? Other than survive the week and hope this job will always be here when I need it.

I suck in a breath, turning my gaze away from his. "Man, you already know what I'm doing here," I say, with less anger in my tone than I want. I need to sound angry. Because angry people don't break apart when you ask them what their dreams are. "You're not planning on getting rid of me, are you?" I joke even though the only punchline in this room is me.

Alex exhales softly, shaking his head. "No. You know this job is always yours as long as you want it. But…" His teeth chew on the corner of his lip and I hate the silence. The long stretches where I have to wait for him to spit out the same conversation we have every year around this time. He asks the same things each time and he gets the same answers in return. "Don't you think there's something out there that you want more?"

If 'more' means reaching beyond what I'm capable of holding on to, I don't want it. I just want things to stay the same. Well, not the same. I don't want more, I just want things to be better. Easier. I just want to be able to fall asleep without the pounding of my own heart waking me up when doors open and close. I don't want more, I just want different. More is putting too much hope in a dream I buried the day my dad's hand turned to a fist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh this was a fun chapter to write. Poor Dash really gets shit from everyone, huh? I should probably feel bad about torturing him so much but... naaaah. Paulina can be kinda cruel when she needs to be. I'm not really in agreement with the reasons why she's doing what she does but she does have her reasons and they'll come out as the story progresses.
> 
> Alex was always supposed to be a background character but the more I bring him in, the kinder he is to Dash and the more I want to keep him around. We'll see how that goes though.
> 
> The song mentioned in the chapter is Casual Sex - My Darkest Days. I recommend their music to anyone, they're great.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed this one! Please let me know what you think of it!


	5. The Only Trophies I Collect Are Bruises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: child abuse and violence

I manage to bullshit my way through the conversation and Alex lets me stay until four. After that, he insists I go home and at least start on my paper – which proves how much he knows me. Though, who gets started on the first paper of the semester before they have to?

Before I leave the shop, I dig my phone out and type a message to Valerie, climbing behind the wheel just after I press send.

**To: Valerie**

_**How's Patricia?** _

My friends may not care enough about their cars to bring them in regularly but I sure as hell do. There's no reason to drive a car around in a bad condition if you can afford to replace it. Or… if your parents won't go bat shit crazy at the mention of fixing something else with your car. Dad thinks I've spent too much of my money on Rider so I don't even bring it up around him. I need to fix my brakes tomorrow regardless of what he thinks.

I get a text almost immediately but I'm pulling out of the parking lot and I wait until I'm at a red light before looking at it. No need to ruin this car, especially considering a snowball has a better chance surviving in hell than I would of getting another one.

**From: Valerie**

_**Oh, I see how it is. More concerned about my car than me ;P** _

I roll my eyes and type back 'duh' before I drop my phone back onto the center console and continue down the road after I'm given the green light, wondering if I should pick up something for dinner tonight. Considering dad probably won't be coming home until late, a burger out from somewhere sounds fucking amazing right now. I'll start on my paper and when six rolls around, I'll head out to get food.

My car practically purrs as I drive it and other than the brakes, it's a mostly quiet ride. The tension from earlier has eased and the knot in my chest is less vice like in its grip. I can breathe a little easier as I drive back to my house.

I wave to the old lady still sitting on her porch and she waves back, dropping whatever she's knitting into her lap when she does. It takes my key twice to twist the lock open and I have to use the brunt of my weight to get the door to open. It sticks sometimes and I should probably fix it at some point. But, that's something to deal with another day.

The house is quiet and my eyes are instantly drawn to the TV. I wonder if I should watch an episode of something before starting on my homework. The clock on my phone tells me that's a bad idea if I still want to get something out to eat. I should focus for the next few hours, at least the promise of something greasy will give me something to look forward to.

* * *

 

Coming up with something important that I did this summer is harder than I thought and I restart my paper four times, wracking my brain to figure something out. Five thirty comes and goes and I'm still stuck staring at a blank page.

I've chewed my nails down to stubs and I can barely open the soda I finally went downstairs for. My cursor blinks on my screen as my laptop starts to drift into sleep mode but I prevent it by streaking my thumb across the track pad with an exaggerated sigh. I shouldn't be having to write this today. What the hell am I supposed to say about this past summer? Spent it fucking the hottest girl in school. I doubt Lancer would appreciate that.

At six twenty, I give up trying to figure out what the hell I want to say and I leave the comfort of my room to get a burger. I text Valerie to see if she's working tonight, before shrugging my shoes on and heading downstairs. I don't hear the sound of the television until I'm halfway down the staircase and by then I've hit the squeakiest stair in the goddamn world.

"Dash?"

His voice shouldn't send a shiver through me but it does. It fucking does and all the feelings of junior year come rushing back to me. I force myself to breathe and remind myself it hasn't happened in forever. He hasn't gotten that wasted in a long time. It's fine.

I force myself down the rest of the stairs, letting out a breath before I meet his gaze. I force a half-smile, glancing at the television so I can avoid looking at the glass clutched in his hand. "Hey dad." I nod toward the screen. "Anything good on?"

He gives a sigh, swirling the ice in the bottom of his glass. "Not really. It's all the same stuff. Companies trying to sell us stuff we'll never need." He's shaking his head when I look back at him and I'm somehow able to keep the partial smile on my face. He meets my gaze and tilts his head to one side. "Where are you going?"

I shrug a shoulder, wondering if I should just book it across the living room and ignore anything he says to me. "Going out to grab food," I respond, mentally calculating how long it would take me to get across the room before he manages to get up from the couch cushions.

"There's probably something in the fridge," he responds, swallowing a mouthful of alcohol before fixing his gaze on mine. "Go heat something up."

I really don't want to figure out what the hell he qualifies as food right now but I also don't want to chance pissing him off while he's drinking. I carefully shrug one shoulder. "Eh. I was saving that for lunch tomorrow," I say, not entirely sure if what's in there is even edible.

"Don't bother, I'm going to the store in the morning. Eat in tonight, I don't want our food going to waste," he says, reminding me that he doesn't care about what I eat. He only cares that the cheap food he gets leaves enough money for another bottle of Jack Daniels at the end of the week.

I slowly draw in a breath as my phone vibrates in my back pocket, almost giving me a heart attack. "Dad, I don't think there's anything in the fridge," I respond, glancing back toward the kitchen. It's a mistake. I know it as soon as I hear the squeak of the couch cushions. I always forget not to turn my back on him when he's drinking.

"What did you say?" he demands, suddenly up from the couch, glass of alcohol still clutched firmly in his hand. His face is slowly turning red and I decide not to push my luck.

"N-Nothing," I manage to say, taking a step backward to keep distance between us. "I didn't say anything, I'll just… I'm gonna go heat something up."

I barely make it two steps out of the living room, heart hammering in my chest, before the glass in his hand goes flying past my head. It smashes against the dining room wall and sends my body into panic mode. My hands shake and I slowly turn back toward him, hoping that that's it. If he got his anger out on that one glass, he won't start on me.

"You calling me a liar?" my dad demands, taking a swing at me that I manage to duck. I shake my head quickly, trying to turn this around. But my hands are shaking and he sees it. "Stop your shaking, it was just a glass."

I wish I could. I wish it was easy to command my body to do the things he wants it to. I wish I could keep my head down and not bother him. I wish I could stop shaking and I really wish I'd heard the television before I came out of my bedroom.

"D-Dad, I'm sorry," I squeeze past my trembling lips, afraid at any second my words will stop reaching him and he'll forget I'm not a punching bag. "I'm just gonna go heat something up."

His face is turning redder the longer I shake and I wish I could just stop. Just stop giving him this fucking reaction. It always ends with me shaking regardless of whether he hits me or not. But this reaction always makes him angry. And if I don't manage to slip away fast enough, his anger will surge and I'll be on the receiving end of it.

"Let me get you another glass," I say softly, balling my hands into fists at my sides in an attempt to make the shaking less obvious. "Just l-let me get you another drink."

"I don't need another fucking drink," he snaps and suddenly he's all angry hands and quickly moving punches that I don't have time to recover from before the next one lands. His fist connects with my mouth and I know my lip is split before I even taste the blood. The next one is to the underside of my jaw when I fail to move out of the way.

I try to stagger away from him but he's too fast. His hands slam into my shoulders and I can't keep my balance, the back of my head hitting the hardwood of the dining room floor on the way down. I shouldn't freeze like this. I'm strong enough to fight back. But I can't. The only thing I'm able to do is protect my face which I realize too late is a mistake.

Dad aims for my midsection, landing a punch to my gut while his foot kicks my ribs, causing me to roll over in a yelp of pain. My rib explodes in pain and I curl into the fetal position, his leg drawing back for another kick, making the oxygen squeeze from my lungs.

"Don't you fucking call me a liar, you piece of shit!" dad yells, his voice too loud in the silence between my pained gasps. I try my best to protect my stomach by curling tighter but he knows where he's aiming cause each of his hits lands exactly where he means it to.

Weakly, I try to stop it. I raise my hands just high enough and attempt to push him backward, only pausing his attacks momentarily while he tries to keep his balance. I should have thought about what to do after the stop because I'm struggling to sit up when he starts again, yelling every obscenity he can think of as his fists work me over in an endless flurry of pain.

His voice is loud and I know it carries. It did when mom was here and she'd send me out in the yard to play, trying to protect me from all of this. The old lady across the street would call out to me and ask if I wanted some of her cookies. They were always freshly baked and just warm from the oven. I think of her every time Kwan's mom bakes cookies while I'm over. I wonder if the old lady thinks of me every time she starts making cookies. If I cross her mind when she's dumping chocolate chips into a bowl and combining them with flour.

What she's thinking of now? She can hear him, I know she can, just like she could when I was a kid. Every one of our neighbors can hear when my dad doesn't put the bottle down soon enough and I pay the price. What do they do when he starts? Turn their television up? Put on some music? I wish I had something to block out this noise. No matter how many times I try to forget, the sound of my own bones breaking invades my ears at night, reminding me that this is why I don't reach for anything more. Because I don't deserve more. Not when I can't stand up to my own father.

* * *

 

He leaves me on the dining room floor to do whatever it is he's going out for. Probably down to the local bar where he's known as a regular. What kills me isn't that the place will serve him even after he's beyond wasted. It isn't that they laugh with him and enjoy him coming around. What kills me is that he's only an angry drunk when he's around me. Like he can't stand the sight of his own kid. Like I piss him off so much, he'll kick and bruise until the anger is gone. Like I'm his personal punching bag and every time, I just lay down and fucking take it.

My lungs are barely drawing in any air and each slow movement is agonizing. I don't know how long he's gonna be gone but I know if he comes back and I'm still in this spot, round two will begin. I used to be able to walk away from these kind of situations with a couple of bruises and a busted lip but that was when mom was here. When she would stop him before it got too awful. She was always stronger than me. Standing up to him when he'd fly off the handle. I guess that's why she left me. Didn't want to take someone so pathetic with her.

I'm sitting up, cradling my head in my hands when I hear a soft knock on the door. My blood freezes for a split second before I realize if it was dad, he wouldn't be knocking. His key would be in the door and he'd just barge back in here. When the second knock sounds, I realize I have to answer it. Or at least see who the fuck it is.

With every ounce of strength I still somehow have, I manage to get on my feet. I stagger as I walk and it's so fucking painful tears are springing to my eyes with every slow step. I don't want to know what my face looks like but I also don't want to scare the shit out of whoever's on the other side of the door. I use the screen of my phone to assess the damage but other than getting the blood off my chin, there's nothing I can do.

I open the door slowly, squinting against the dying rays of the sun behind the old lady from across the street. It takes an effort to act normal as I ease the screen door open, drawing on strength that I didn't know I had. "H-Hey," I wheeze out, trying to keep talking to a minimum.

Her eyebrows draw down when she gets a look at my face. "Are you… alright, dear? I heard shouting." She tsks softly when she gets a look at my face but I don't need this. I'm not that seven-year-old kid anymore. Cookies and chocolate milk aren't going to fix me this time. I can't pretend this problem away and dumping everything on my elderly neighbor isn't fair.

I nod slowly, gesturing to my face. "I got into a fight with some guys today and my dad didn't appreciate it. Said I shoulda just let it go," I respond, my mouth moving robotically through the age old lie. It's always the one I fall back on cause it's the easiest to utter.

My neighbor shakes her head slowly but takes a step back from the door. "Honey, if-"

"I'm fine," I respond before she can even finish her sentence. With a shaky hand, I jerk my thumb back toward the inside of my house. "I gotta… get back to my paper," I mumble. She doesn't look like she's going to leave my porch so I shakily loop my index finger around the handle of the screen door.

"If there's anything I can do, you… you just let me know, dear," she says, her face painted with concern. I don't want her to worry about me. There's nothing for her to be concerned about. I'm used to this kind of thing. I'm just rusty at dealing with it. I'll be fine.

I slowly ease the door closed, giving her my best attempt at a smile before it's fully closed. I spin the deadbolt, wishing that kept out my dad, before I turn away from the door. I slowly trudge toward the stairs, each step agonizing and bringing a new wave of pain.

The first stair almost kills me. It rips through my body, stealing away all the oxygen I was trying to hold onto, forcing me to take in a new breath. Which is just as fucking painful as everything else. I think a small whimper tumbles from between my clenched teeth and I do my best to pretend it didn't happen. There's nothing more pathetic than laying down and taking it from him and then crying my fucking eyes out cause I'm too scared to stand up to him.

My body sags against the railing as I climb the stairs, each step more painful than the last. I try to pretend it's not. If I just act like it doesn't hurt long enough, it won't anymore. I can block it off for a while and not feel anything.

* * *

 

I make it into my room and collapse onto my bed with another strained whimper. I can't bullshit this. It hurts. It fucking hurts so badly and I can't breathe. And ugly tears are streaking down my face, reminding me how pathetic I am. The only way this could be worse would be if… ah yes, right on time. The equally pathetic sobs follow almost immediately and I twist my head far enough to bury it into my pillow, silencing my suffering.

Crying isn't an awful thing. Believe it or not, I don't condemn the people around me for shedding tears when something bad happens. But for me, crying is stupid. It doesn't change my shitty situation and despite what people on the television say, it doesn't make me feel better. It only serves as a reminder that until I graduate high school, I'm stuck here forever towing the line between pissing my dad off and not doing whatever the fuck I want.

My phone vibrates in my pocket again and it hurts when I twist my arm to get it out. A text lights up my phone and I slowly slide my thumb across the bottom of the screen, exhaling when my best friend's insane punctuation lights up my screen.

**From: Kwan**

_**Can I call u????** _

Rather than taking the effort to text back, I roll over onto my back, fighting against the tears springing up behind my lids, and let myself have a few minutes to pull myself together. If Kwan can tell how hard I'm trying to sound normal, he'll be worried about me constantly. So I tuck the pain away to the recesses of my mind and pretend it doesn't hurt, keeping as still as possible as I dial Kwan's number.

It rings twice before Kwan picks up, sounding breathless as he talks. _"Dash, oh my god I just left Jared's place."_

He speaks in a rush and it takes me a couple of seconds to catch up with what he's saying. "What?" I ask, my voice quiet only because it takes too much effort to raise my volume any higher. "You were at his place after the party?"

 _"Uh-huh!"_ he gushes into the phone line and I catch the faint sound of a breathy laugh. _"Y-Yeah, after we left the party last night, he asked if I wanted to go back to his place and see some of the photographs he took over the summer. Dash, he was vacationing in Ireland!"_

I move to run a hand through my hair, almost forgetting how much pain I'm in. I have to bite down on my lower lip to keep the strangled noise in. "Y-Yeah?" I ask, grinding my teeth together to keep myself distracted. "So he's good then?"

" _He's amazing. I-I mean, his work is amazing… n-not that he's bad either…"_ Kwan mumbles, sounding flustered. I chalk it up to the pain I'm in cause it takes me a minute to catch up to his train of thought and I know exactly why he sounds breathless.

"Dude. Did you get some action last night?" I ask, laughing carefully when he makes a squeak. "So that's why you turned down those extra shots. Wanted to remember tonight, huh?"

 _"Sh-Shut up!"_ he stammers, letting out another groan. _"Dash, he was so perfect. Last night was perfect. His parents are out of town so we had the place to ourselves. I-I don't even know how it happened, we were just looking at his photos and then the next thing I knew, we were… well, y'know."_

It hurts too much to laugh so I just have to hope that he can hear the grin in my tone. I lick my lips, keeping my gaze on the ceiling as I draw in a breath. "So, as your best friend, I have to ask." Kwan's quiet when I say that, waiting patiently on me to speak. I almost feel bad for teasing him this way. "Were you top or bottom?"

_"Dash, oh my god, I hate you."_

* * *

 

Dad doesn't come home when the evening turns to night and I'm finally able to breathe a little easier. I don't know what my face looks like but I'm pretty sure it's bad. It feels bad. And I can't move without new waves of pain rippling through me.

For a while, dad just stuck to my face. It was harder to conceal but it didn't hurt nearly as bad as this does. I guess he decided if he was going to beat the shit out of me, he'd at least do it right. Make sure I couldn't move for the next few days.

Fuck.

Tryouts are on Monday. I'm a shoo-in for the quarterback position again but not like this. Coach is probably going to chalk it up to me being hungover or something. But still. Disappointing everyone by either not trying out or failing miserably. The thought of skipping school crosses my mind but I don't know which would be worse. Coming home to face dad after school or lying in bed waiting for him to get back.

My phone vibrates before I can decide.

**From: Alex**

_**You're not coming in to work tomorrow. I've already instructed the guys working not to let you in. Write your paper! You can do it!** _

It's almost ten and I guess he's just now getting off work. He always stays at the garage as late as possible but bitches at me if I try to do the same. I've called him a hypocrite before but it doesn't change anything.

Part of me wants to text back and tell him what the fuck happened after I came home from work. But the other part of me doesn't want him to worry. It's not fair to dump all this ugly shit on someone who never asked for it. I wonder if he'd known about all of this when he hired me if he would have changed his mind. I barely want me around, I can't imagine he does.

**From: Alex**

_**Also, good luck at tryouts on Monday! Not that you'll need it but it's still nice to hear! :)** _

He puts a smiley face at the end of his messages to try and make people smile when they read it. They used to drive me insane but I've gotten used to them from him. I manage to hold my phone in a position that doesn't kill my ribs with every movement.

I don't know how to tell him how much it helps just knowing I have the garage waiting on me, whenever I manage to stitch my broken pieces back into place. It's the one constant thing in my life. Helped keep me out of the house when I was younger. Picked me back up after mom left and shattered everything. And I know it'll help distract me from this. My dad, Paulina, every fucked up thing that's bound to happen this year. I don't know if this one word explains all that but I hope he gets at least part of the meaning behind it.

**To: Alex**

_**Thanks** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Dash. He just can't catch a break and I won't let him.
> 
> So, normally I'd skip a week and post the following week but I decided to post today cause I had oral surgery and I'm at home so I thought, why not. So, you guys get this a week early! I'm not sure how that's gonna affect whether or not I post a chapter next Tuesday or not... hmm... we'll see.
> 
> But yeah, Dash's life is pretty fucked up. I almost feel bad for everything I put him through. I'm sure there'll come a time when I actually do feel truly awful for the things I've done to him but today's not that day.
> 
> Anyway, please let me know what you think! I really appreciate feedback and reviews make me super happy. I hope you enjoy!


	6. The Weight Of Hope And Wondering

Sunday morning, I can't breathe. I'm physically drawing in the breaths and I know it's reaching my lungs but it hurts. Every drag of oxygen I suck in feels like it's going to be the last one my bruised ribs will be able to pull in. I don't know how I'm going to get up tomorrow morning.

Dad's still not home but it doesn't matter. I'm not leaving the bed today. I can't. It's physically impossible. If I take one step, I'll splinter or crack and every jagged piece of myself will spill onto the floor, waiting for someone to take a look at and realize how pathetic I am. That's not an option. I can't break because of him.

I manage to weakly sit up and grab my laptop from the edge of my desk, but that knocks the wind out of me and I have to sit with my fists clenched trying to hold onto some shred of strength to keep from crying. Pain is nothing new for me but it doesn't get any easier to deal with.

Each breath feels like jagged knives pressing their blades into my ribcage and I have to carefully ease myself back against the headboard before I'm able to open my computer. It's still stuck on a blank page where I was working on the paper last night. I still have no idea what to put down. What did I do this summer that was significant? Or did Lancer say important? Fuck, I don't remember.

I think I manage about two hundred words before I realize that if I'm going to get food, it has to be while dad's gone. If he's here when I venture outside of my bedroom, I won't survive if he decides today's the time for round two.

Despite not wanting to move an inch, it's actually not as painful as I thought it'd be. It still makes my breaths come in short gasps and it takes me a hell of a lot longer to cross my bedroom floor than I'd like it to. If dad comes home and I'm in the kitchen, I think I'll crawl into one of the cabinets and hide until he's gone. There's no way I can go running up the stairs like this.

I hesitate on the landing after creaking my door open, making sure I didn't miss the sound of dad coming home. It's not something I've been able to sleep through for years but there's always the off chance. Thankfully it's still silent in the house and I start out of my bedroom, each step a little faster than the one before it.

The stairs aren't as painful as they were last night and I'm guessing it's cause I'm going down instead of up. Which is going to make the trip back to my room fun.

Once I'm in the kitchen, I secure two cans for myself – a Dr. Pepper to drink with whatever I find to eat and a Budweiser for when night hits and I need to sleep. Took me forever to fall asleep last night cause every position caused my ribs to ache. My eyes land on the medicine cabinet over the sink and I put the beer back. Pain killers are probably going to be better for this.

After I search through the cabinet, I find the drugs I was prescribed in the spring when I tore a muscle in my calf. It was like an out of body experience following that hospital visit. Mom was already gone so I figured I only had me to depend on. But dad was like a fucking saint while I was recovering. He brought me whatever I wanted to eat and drove me to and from school. He was at every one of my physical therapy appointments and even told me not to push myself when I was doing shit around the house. He was home every night at the same time and even made dinner more often.

That's why this is hard. How can you hate someone that you know still loves you? If they'd just put the bottle down, it'd be okay. Everything could go back to the carefree time when I was injured or when I was little. When I actually felt like dad gave a shit about me. It's too easy to blame this on him. I'm at fault too. If I just didn't do the kind of shit that pisses him off, he wouldn't have a reason to lash out. If I wasn't such a colossal fuck up, he'd cut back on the alcohol.

The fridge is bare like I guessed last night and the pantry is in the same state. There's a box of macaroni I was supposed to make the night mom left. Dad came home with a pizza and mom and I were just relieved it wasn't alcohol. I wonder how different that night would have turned out if he hadn't come home at all. If he'd been the one that left.

My fingers curl around the shelf I'm searching and I force myself to draw in a deep breath despite the pain it brings. Maybe I need to feel the angry marks my father left on me. Maybe it's what keeps me grounded in reality. There's no point in playing the what if game so I force myself to stay focused. Food. I'm down here to find something to eat.

I search the entire pantry, save for the last shelf cause bending down is not in the cards for me right now, and come up with an outdated mini bag of barbecue chips and a package of hostess cupcakes. It's better than nothing so I take it and my can of Dr. Pepper upstairs, shoving the bottle of pills into my back pocket.

The climb up the stairs is just as painful as I predicted it would be but I don't give myself the chance to think about it. I force my legs to keep going without giving myself a chance to rest between steps. That's probably worse for my injuries but I don't let my mind go there. I just focus on getting into my bedroom and closing the door behind me.

As soon as I'm able to, I lean back against my door, the bottle of pain killers digging into my ass. My phone's vibrating on my bed and I start for it, groaning as I drop my stuff down onto my desk. It takes me a couple of extra minutes to settle down after grabbing my computer to open my can of soda before I'm able to read over the text.

**From: Valerie**

_**I brought Patricia in today but you're not here! :(** _

For the first time today, her text brings a smile to my face and my thumbs are instantly flying across my screen. Of course she'd bring her car in on a day I'm not working.

**To: Valerie**

_**Buuuummer. I can't work every day, y'know** _

**To: Valerie**

_**What's wrong with her?** _

I wait until the message sends before I click the screen off and drop it onto my desk. I open my chips before easing the lid of my computer open, staring at the blinking cursor for another couple of minutes before I move to type anything.

This paper's not going to be anything grand but hey, at least I'm handing something in. If it were up to me, I wouldn't be doing this shit. But considering my grades were barely high enough to be eligible for sports last semester, I really need to do as much as I can. Besides, papers aren't typically hard for me. This is just a shitty topic.

My fingers ease their way across the keyboard and I get lost in what I'm writing. I start talking about donating my time down at the hospital, which was really me bringing in food for Alex's mom cause she was working the late shift a lot this past summer. I don't typically gravitate toward the parents of friends but she's different.

When all that shit happened in junior year, Alex's mom – Tatiana – was there for me. She helped me with homework I was too fucking thick to grasp and I was always welcome at their place for dinner. Not that I came more than once. I'm not great at being a guest and she has enough to handle without me butting in. I needed her and her family once but beyond the garage, I haven't let myself need them again.

**From: Valerie**

_**Dunno. Someone's looking at it now. I can't chat with them like I can with you so I'm BORED** _

**From: Valerie**

_**What are you doing?** _

I scroll my thumb down her messages before returning my gaze to my computer, tapping out another few paragraphs talking about Tatiana and Alex and how good they were to me since I met them. I'll probably delete most of it before I call it finished but for now, I leave it, returning to my phone as soon as I run out of things to say.

**To: Valerie**

_**I'm working on the paper Lancer assigned. 2 fucking pages first thing, you believe that?** _

My fingers return to typing out stuff about the Moreno family and I distantly hear my phone vibrate almost immediately. But my blood runs cold with the sound that follows because it sounds suspiciously like keys in the door. It is. Like I could mistake that for anything else.

I push my chair away from my desk, swiveling around to keep a watch on my door. If he's coming up here, I don't want it to be a surprise. Not that I can do anything in the few minutes it would take him to climb the stairs but still. I clench my fists in an attempt to keep them steady.

My door stays shut but I can hear him moving around in the kitchen, putting stuff away. Maybe he really did go to the store today. If that's true, at least I won't have to skip dinner tonight. I'll just wait until he's gone to bed and dig through whatever he brought home.

When the stairs creak, I let out a breath, bringing my clenched fists to rest on my lap and willing them to stop. They're shaking already and it's pathetic. I minimize my document and grab my phone from my desk, hoping it'll disguise the shakiness. If dad gets a look at the fact that I'm fucking terrified again, it'll only make things worse.

A gentle knock sounds on my door and I try to keep my voice even when I call out. "Come in."

Dad opens my door a little, just far enough to poke his head in, and gives me a smile. "Hey," he says, like last night didn't happen. He eases the door open a little wider, nodding toward my computer. "Whatcha working on?"

I don't turn around to look at it. I know I minimized my document and I'm not making the mistake of taking my eyes off him again. "Paper," I respond, forcing myself to pretend what he already is. Last night didn't happen. If I think about it, I'll question what the fuck he's doing up here. But if I don't let myself remember, I can pretend this is just a normal conversation between a father and his son.

"Yeah?" dad asks, stepping into my bedroom. I notice a paper bag clutched in his hand and my stomach drops. _What the fuck is he holding?_ "What's the topic?"

I realize my eyes have left his face and I quickly snap my gaze back up to his. "Uh… y'know, just what I did this summer. Typical back to school assignment." My hands aren't obviously shaking anymore and I think it's because of the death grip I have around my phone. Just ignore it. Push it down, Dash.

Dad nods, his eyes sweeping my bedroom before they drop to the bag at his side. He holds it out toward me with a smile. "I brought you a burger. You need to keep your strength up if you're going to ace the tryouts like you always do."

I swallow, nodding because my mouth is too numb to speak. He takes another step further, holding out the bag and I realize I'm supposed to take it. I get up from my chair slowly, like a cornered animal, and switch my phone to one hand, reaching for the bag with the other. He lets me take it and I quickly retreat back to my chair, trying to keep my gaze on his so he'll keep his on mine and won't glance down to see my trembling fingers.

"Thanks," I mumble. If this is his way of apologizing, it's not the worst. He used to bring mom roses or chocolates but he never did anything for me. I know how to deal with angry, drunk dad. And I know how to talk to happy, proud-of-my-quarterback-son dad. But I don't think I've ever had to interact with apologetic, sorry-I-smashed-your-ribs-in dad.

He nods, gesturing toward my computer again. "Well, I'll let you get back to your paper. I'm working the late shift tonight so… you'll probably be asleep before I get home."

"I-I'll leave a light on for you," I say without thinking. Maybe I am thinking. Maybe if he's apologizing to me, the least I can do is accept the apology and without words, let him know that I won't be such a fuck up again. Or maybe I will be. But I'll try not to be. The least I can do is try.

Dad smiles wider, the sight a little foreign as it stretches across his face, even reaching his eyes for a few seconds. "Yeah, okay. I'd like that, Dash," he says softly, taking a step backward out of my room. "Well, I'll leave you to it. Good luck at tryouts tomorrow."

"Thanks," I say, my voice almost gone now. I can't remember the last time we carried on a conversation that was as hopeful as this one is. I almost don't want it to end. But if he stays here any longer, I'm bound to say something stupid and make him hate me again.

He closes my door behind him and I wait until I hear him start down the stairs before I breathe again. The fear I'd pushed away rises up now and I can't stop my hands from shaking. I set the bag down on the edge of my desk, afraid I'm going to drop it, and take a few minutes to focus on my breathing. If I can just calm the fuck down, I can realize how good this conversation was. It was filled with so much promise that things might be better. If I can just hold myself together and not break, I could see that.

* * *

 

Dad leaves just past four and as soon as he's gone, I lock the door behind him, turning the porch light on. When the rumbling of his leaving engine dies down, I let out a breath, looking around. I have the house to myself again. I prefer it when it's empty because then I'm not aware of everything I'm doing. If I want to leave my room, I don't have to stand with my ear pressed against the wood to hear if he's in the living room or not.

The paper flies by and after I've written everything I can remember about the days I spent with Alex, where I knew he was only letting me work to keep me distracted, and how Tatiana made amazing food for me to take to school, I ball up the wrapper the burger came in and drop it down into the paper bag. Tatiana would be the best cook I've ever met but she lives so far away that Kwan's mom beats her out. Convenience is high on my rating list.

After I'm done with my paper and I bullshit my answers in Algebra II, I don't know what else I want to do. Normally on a day like this, I'd fuck whatever Alex said and show up for work anyway. But the odds of him letting me work on anything with my face like this and my movements still so jerky are pretty slim.

So I'm left by myself, too nervous to invite anyone over in case dad comes back early or in case they get a look at my face and ask what happened. I'm not really in the mood to explain it all. And the only two friends of mine in the know are Kwan and Valerie. I'm not bothering either one of them today.

I eat what I can of the expired chips but following the fucking amazing burger dad brought me, they pale in comparison. So I ditch the remainder into the bag the burger came in and rip open the package of hostess cupcakes with my teeth. The fudge icing sticks to my fingers as I eat them and I spend more time licking the icing off than I do typing anything on my computer.

Boredom quickly sets in and I put on Supernatural again, groaning at all the appropriate parts of the series and spending more time watching the Impala than I do paying attention to the plot lines of each episode. Thanks to my many hours of rewatching, I'm still able to follow along and I get lost in the story of these two brothers. By the time I realize how late it is, the front door is opening downstairs.

Panic splits through me for a second but I breathe, forcing it down. Dad wasn't angry when he left and he was at work. The odds of him stopping at the bar on his way home are pretty slim. Still, when I hear the television click on, I quietly shut my computer and crawl into bed, hoping he doesn't come up here to check on me.

Everything still hurts and it's hard to breathe but this is better. The nights I go to bed without the weight of wondering how to approach dad after an incident like this are good nights. They're not weighed down with questions and self-hatred. A thousand possibilities of what I did wrong don't run through my head and the sound of the television is just loud enough to lull me to sleep, allowing me to forget about all the stuff I can't during my waking hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, poor Dash. I feel bad for him on so many levels. He clearly doesn't deserve what I do to him and yet... yeah, no, I'm not stopping. So, here we see Mr. Baxter in a slightly better light as he tries to apologize and ease the tension between the two of them. As Dash said, he did the same thing with his mother when she lived with them as well and while it worked, it's not a solution. Because it's only a matter of a time before the abuse happens again.
> 
> For those of you that don't know, an abuser will often times go through a honeymoon phase where they will feel and act ashamed of their actions and there's a 'good' period between the abuser and the victim. This leads the victim to believe that leaving the abuser is not necessary. It's slightly different in terms of parental abuse versus a romantic relationship, but the idea is the same. Abusers will feel ashamed and ask for forgiveness, swear it won't happen again etc.
> 
> Anyway, now that that's over with, I hope you guys enjoyed this latest chapter. There's a bit of hope to it, yeah? ..Probably not. Let me know what you think in a review or PM! Your feedback is really helpful and motivating.


	7. Not Broken, Just Bruised

My alarm sounds like a drill in the side of my fucking head and I swing an arm blindly to shut it up. Normally I use my phone as my alarm clock and it's a much better experience. But I also sleep through it. So I've had to use this stupid thing to force myself awake.

I roll over onto my back and stretch before I remember about Saturday's events. It comes crushing back with the pain in my ribs and I let out a small gasp, quickly ceasing all movements. My arms are still over my head and I blink back tears in my eyes. Fuck, why does this still hurt so much?

Every movement is careful and it's not as painful as yesterday but it still hurts. It's still enough to leave my fists curled around my pajamas and wondering why the hell I'm doing this. I could skip. I really fucking could. Considering I won't be able to try out today, I can call Coach and just tell him that something came up.

My fingers slowly release their grip on the fabric of my pants and I force myself to rise. I'm not laying around today too. I've seen worse and I've felt worse. I'll be fine. As long as I come up with some excuse for why I'm not trying out today. I mean… there's always the possibility that I just push myself through a shitty tryout and tell Coach I'm sleeping off a hangover or something. He'd be pissed but it wouldn't look as pathetic as sitting on the bleachers the whole period.

Dad's downstairs again, making coffee and whistling, and I struggle to gather my clothes, stumbling my way across the landing to get into the shower. I couldn't do this yesterday and as fun as the idea of getting back into bed and sleeping through the day, I can't. Real life doesn't wait for me to shove my bleeding insides out of sight.

It takes me twice as long to shower than it would without these bruises but hey, at least I do it. I just manage to gulp down half a cup of coffee before my phone starts vibrating. Probably Kwan asking where the hell I am but I don't have time to read them.

Climbing into my car proves to be more difficult than I thought it would be considering I also have to bring my computer today since I forgot to print out my paper last night. I could probably have just loaded it onto a jump drive but I didn't.

Once I'm in the front seat, I peel out of the driveway, waving to the old lady as I pass her by. She reminds me a little of my grandma on my mom's side. Grandma was a frail woman that always smelled like home cooked meals and lemon clothes softener. I remember on more than one occasion talking to her on the phone. It devastated my mom when she passed away. I think if I'd been older it probably would have affected me more.

* * *

 

Ms. Anderson, first period biology teacher, gives me a lecture for coming in late and I nod along to everything she says, grateful when she lets me go with only a warning. Her eyes and the eyes of my classmates rake over me as I fumble my way toward an empty chair in the back, thankful this isn't a class I have with Kwan. I still need time to wake up before I face him.

When Anderson turns her back to me, I dig my phone out of my back pocket and scan over the few messages Kwan's sent me, guilt washing over me from not responding sooner.

**From: Kwan**

_**You're not skipping today are you? It's tryout day!** _

**From: Kwan**

_**Dash are you okay?** _

My gut twists uncomfortably as I read over my best friend's frantic messages. I can just imagine him sitting in his history class and worrying about me. Wondering if I was coming in to school at all. I wait until Ms. Anderson finishes talking about chromosomes before I scroll to the bottom.

**From: Kwan**

_**I just texted Keith and he says you're not working today… where are you?** _

**From: Kwan**

_**If something happened I'm here for you** _

"Something happened" is our code for my dad flying off the handle and beating the shit out of me. Which is exactly what happened on Saturday but it wasn't entirely unprovoked this time. I basically started it by not listening to him. Jesus, how hard would it have been for me to make that damn box of macaroni we still have?

**To: Kwan**

_**Didn't mean to worry you, sorry. I'm here but teacher's gonna kick my ass if she sees me with my phone. See you later** _

I send the message off and pocket my phone again, ready to just listen to whatever the hell we're learning about today in biology. The guy next to me is asleep on his backpack and that looks a hell of a lot more fun than listening to this shit. If it wouldn't cause pain to my ribs, I'd do the same. Just sleep this class away. Considering I've already shown up late, I don't think that'd be appreciated.

* * *

 

When biology lets out, Kwan's waiting at my locker. His eyebrows are drawn down when he sees me coming and I chew on my lower lip, trying to steel myself for the conversation that's about to happen.

"Hey man," I greet, swinging open my locker door. There's no need for me to be in here but I rummage around in it anyway to get a pencil. I have about a hundred chewed up stubs in the bottom of my backpack but I honestly don't feel like digging them out.

"Dash, are you okay?" Kwan asks, his voice small compared to mine. Or maybe mine's only small to my own ears. It sure feels like I'm talking quietly. Maybe it's just because I'm used to being happier when I talk to Kwan.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I respond, slamming my locker door closed before casting a glance his way, forcing a smile onto my face. "Overslept."

Kwan lets out a soft noise shaking his head. "Your face," he says softly, reminding me that while a smile bullshits the way I feel, I can't exactly cover the bruises and angry marks dad left.

I shrug, hitching my backpack up onto my shoulder. "S'fine," I mumble, not bothering with any of the lies. If anyone else were to ask, I have a thousand excuses under my belt. But this is Kwan and I don't have to lie to him.

He sighs, putting a hand on my back as he guides me toward the bathroom. "Come on," he says, reminding me that I can't pretend I'm okay around him. But I am this time. Really. It hurts like hell but dad basically apologized. Even brought a peace offering. It doesn't matter now, it really shouldn't matter now.

"Kwan, I'm fine," I respond but he pushes me into the bathroom and keeps a hand pressed against the door once we're both inside. "Dude, come on, this is ridiculous." I scan the bathroom for anyone else but we're alone.

"I'm serious," he responds, glancing toward the door when it rattles. I hear someone mumble 'what the fuck' before trying again. Kwan twists the lock underneath the handle and comes to join me, casting another look toward the door before crossing his arms. "Is your face all?"

"It doesn't matter," I respond, shrugging my backpack off. It gives my ribs some relief but I only let myself enjoy it for a second before putting it back on my shoulder. "Come on, we'll be late for…" I wrack my brains for the schedule I still haven't committed to memory yet. "Economics."

Kwan lets out a breath and raises an eyebrow, apparently intent on waiting me out to show him what my father's done this time. A low growl slips between my teeth and I let my bag hit the floor, moving my arms just high enough to raise the hem of my shirt. The bruising across my stomach and ribcage was purple this morning, but they don't feel as bad as it looks. Or maybe that's just what I tell myself so it hurts less.

"Happy?" I demand. I move to drop the hem of my shirt but Kwan stops me, his hand on mine as his eyes assess the damage. He raises his eyes to mine and lets out a breath, gaze tracing the bruises again.

"Dash… this looks really bad," he whispers, glancing around the bathroom. I don't know what he's looking for but he evidently doesn't find it cause his eyes end up on my bruises again. "You should… god, you should go to the nurse or the hospital or something. You could have internal injuries."

"S'fine," I repeat, shrugging my shirt back down over my stomach. I smooth the fabric as gently as I can before grabbing my backpack. I have to stoop a little and it only reminds my ribs that they should be causing me pain every single second. It takes effort to keep my expression neutral when I meet Kwan's concerned stare. "Come on or we'll be late to class and our teammates will think we were doing a quickie."

Kwan's whole face colors but it serves as a good distraction as I unlock the door.

"I-I wouldn't… they don't even… Dash!" he squeaks as I pull open the door. I glance over my shoulder with a smirk and exit the bathroom, starting in the direction of our class. It's up a flight of stairs and just looking at those twelve steps scares the shit out of me. If I let on that it hurts that much to climb stairs, Kwan will make me go to the nurse or the hospital. I can't do that. I can't bring this up again. Dad and I buried it. It's just taking my body longer to realize that.

"Dash, can you-"

"I'll be fine," I respond before he can get his thoughts out. I take the stairs as quickly as I can and it allows me a chance to get my facial expression into something a little less pained as Kwan jogs up behind me. His hand on my shoulder is gentle and a little reassuring. I glance toward him with a smile only half-faked this time. "See? Fine."

I'm pretty sure Kwan knows that fine is another code word for, _I'm-doing-my-best-please-don't-call-me-on-my-shit_. But he just smiles in response, giving my shoulder another squeeze before we continue to our class together.

* * *

 

I get through most of my classes okay but PE comes around and those of us that are trying out are herded onto the field, Coach Anthony Brimfield barking orders every few feet. I notice a lot of guys that aren't even going to take this seriously but a lot of the new faces seem to be actually interested in this. Which makes sense, most of the team this year is graduating. Coach needs to bring in some fresh meat so this team doesn't die after we all leave.

Kwan walks by my side to the field, casting worried glances my way every couple of seconds. I don't meet his gaze once and finally he leans over to me, his breath on my cheek and smelling like cola. "Hey, are you going to be okay? Do you need me to help you come up with a lie for this?"

I shake my head just as Coach turns around to talk to us, signaling for all of us to sprawl out onto the field. I take a few steps back and sink down onto the bleachers, already knowing that getting up from the grass will be more of a spectacle.

"For most of you, this is your last year on this team. After this season finishes out, you'll move on to college teams or hell, some of you will quit playing altogether. Either way you look at it, this is your last year with the Ravens," he says, staring around the group of us. "For those of you that haven't been on this team in the past, your passion and your determination are the most important thing you can bring to the field every day. Skill and precision can be learned. You can become a better player in the physical aspect. But if your heart's not in this game, you're wasting my time here."

He steps away from the group spread on the ground, giving them a chance to leave if they want to. Two guys on the end get up, awkwardly rubbing at the backs of their necks as they leave the field, casting a glance back every now and then. They look like they're both freshmen and I've never seen either one of them around before.

My attention is quickly brought back to the field as Coach claps his hands together. "Alright. Everyone that's still trying out, into the locker room and change into your gym clothes. Now, chop chop."

The kids on the grass lazily climb to their feet and I keep my attention on my teammates from last year, wondering if they're going to be the ones picked over. Coach seemed to think that Keith Montgomery wasn't doing that great last year but he got a free pass considering everything else that was going on.

The Montgomery family moved across town to be closer to the hospital because of his sister. She's got some rare blood disease or something and the doctors don't think she's going to make it much past middle school. I've heard stories from Keith before and he always calls her his little fighter. I don't know what I would do in his position. I'd probably quit football altogether. But maybe this is his garage. The place where he forgets everyone else and can just focus. Maybe Friday games are his leaky transmissions and bent rims. Problems that can actually be fixed.

The guys barely pay me any attention but I'm still uneasy slipping my shirt over my head. I quickly slide on my gym wear before anyone can see anything. But I catch Jeff's eye across the room and I have to drop my gaze, my hands starting to shake again. I can't bring anyone else into this secret. This horrible thing that claws at my insides late at night, reminding me that after this year, I'll be alone.

Kwan will go to college and one of the only four people I trusted with this secret broke up with me. If I can even call it that. The third person is Alex but he's not in the complete know. He guessed it was my dad and I never corrected him. I don't provide details and shut down when he asks. At the end of this year, he's all I'll have. I wonder if that's why he's trying to convince me to go to college. So I'll be someone else's problem.

I slam my locker door closed and sink down onto the bench, sliding my shoes onto my feet. It takes me a few minutes to work up the energy to move from my spot but when I do, Kwan quickly joins me, already dressed in his clothes.

"Dash, you can't seriously try out like this," he whispers, his hair falling into his face. He reaches up with one hand and smooths it down, shooting an exasperated look my way. "You'll hurt yourself worse, please don't."

I ignore him and start out of the locker room, feeling the warmth from the sun hit my skin. It's still not cool enough to be considered autumn but the heat of the summer died out weeks ago.

Kwan's hand touches my shoulder and I look at him, shrugging. "I don't know what you want me to say, man. It's not like I can just ignore this and not try out. I still have to do shit, regardless of what happened."

My best friend's eyes drop from mine and he heaves a sigh. "Just don't… don't push yourself, okay? If it hurts… if it hurts worse when you're out there… tell Coach you sprained something. Or your calf muscle's bothering you. Just don't… don't make it worse, okay?"

I shrug his hand off me but nod when he looks up at me. I can't promise that I'll do that but if I think that coach will check the state of my ribs judging on my playing, I'll bail. Tell him it's my calf or something. I can't let him get a look at my fucked up torso.

As it turns out, I'm one of the last to try out. Coach usually has the shoo-ins wait until last to tryout so we can watch the others and give them our feedback. He still makes the final call but he likes our input. I think he kept Keith last year because of what Kwan and I told him. Not like we talked him up or anything, everything we said was true. He's the best half-back this team's ever had.

Coach barks out orders to everyone on the field and I watch the freshmen and newbies line up while the older players get moved to the bleachers. Keith's in the lineup with the newbies and I really hope that doesn't mean Coach is gonna cut him. Other than his playing skills, he's just a fucking great person to be around. All positive and shit.

I'm trying to focus on the tryouts, trying to assess what their greatest strength will be, but movement near the end of the field catches my eye. Kwan follows my line of sight and suddenly we're both watching Fenton. He's trudging across the other side of the field, backpack hitched high on his back. He glances over his shoulder once, stumbling over nothing, before regaining his footing.

He lifts one hand up to scratch at the back of his neck and I hear one of my teammates say something, momentarily distracting me from watching him. It's not until the ball is sailing in the air that I realize Blake threw one toward Fenton.

I try to warn him but all I manage to shout out is "Hey!" which only results in him turning his head toward us. Which gives the ball the perfect angle and hits him square in the face.

"Fuck," I mumble, standing up from the bench. I pop Blake on the shoulder as I pass by him, giving him a look before I jog over to Fenton, my ribs aching with every movement. Kwan runs at my pace and I can't tell if I'd rather he get to Fenton first or not make me look like shit as I run.

Fenton's sitting up when we reach him and he's got a hand pressed to his face as blood pours out of his nose. He looks up when I reach him and I carefully kneel down in the grass next to him. "Fuck, I'm sorry," I mumble, glancing back at my teammates before turning my gaze to Fenton's. "Blake's a fucking idiot. Let me see." Fenton's still dumbfounded, holding my gaze, so I have to bat his hands away to get a look at his nose. The bottom looks twisted at an awful angle and makes my stomach churn. "Jesus, that looks bad."

Kwan kneels next to me and glances over his shoulder. "Coach is coming over, he'll probably send you to the nurse," he says softly, turning around to face us.

Fenton's gaze drops from mine and he clears his throat. "Um… I-I think it'll be fine. I-It's just a broken nose, it's not a big deal," he mumbles. His hesitancy for anyone to look at the injury reminds me of myself and I don't like the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach.

Coach reaches us and bends down, placing a hand under Fenton's chin. "You alright, kid? You really took that to the face," he says, angling Fenton's head back and forth to get a good look at him. "You need to go to the nurse."

"N-No, I'm fine, it's-"

"Not up for discussion," Coach responds, standing up again. "I'll walk you down there myself. Kwan, Dash, can you two start the newbies stretching?"

I open my mouth to say yeah but Kwan quickly butts in. "A-Actually sir, you're a lot better at that than we are. We've only instructed them once and they probably won't listen to us anyway. We don't want resentment first thing, right?" he asks, casting a quick glance toward me. "Dash can walk Danny down to the office."

Are you fucking kidding me, Kwan?

I try to shoot daggers at my best friend but ignores me, keeping his gaze on our coach who's seriously considering this. I try to butt in but Fenton interrupts me.

"I-It's fine, I can take myself," he says softly, taking a step away from us. He meets my gaze for a split second before his eyes are on the ground again. "I-It's fine."

"Dash told me his calf was bothering him this weekend anyway," Kwan says, immediately drawing attention back to me. I'm really going to kill him. He spares a glance at me and there's an apology in his eyes. "Maybe he can get his calf looked over while he's there. Since he really shouldn't be trying out in his state anyway."

Coach's eyes rake over the bruises on my face and I could murder Kwan right here. Jesus Christ, what is he trying to do to me? If Coach suspects anything because of my best friend, I'll have to kick his ass later. "I'm-"

"Alright, Dash, walk Danny down to the office. When your calf starts feeling better again, you'll be back at practices. Don't push yourself, do you understand?" he asks, reaching across the space to squeeze my shoulder. "Go get your leg looked over."

"You're not… I don't even have to try out?" I ask, trying to wrap my head around that. I've always tried out every year. But usually, dad's hands stay away from me in the days leading up to tryouts and I'm able to not fuck it up.

Coach shakes his head, giving me a grin. "Like I would make you try out again this year. Dash, you're the best quarterback the Ravens have ever seen." He nods like it's final. "Once you're feeling better, you'll join us at practices."

"Coach, it's-"

"No arguments," he responds, releasing my shoulder and taking a step back. He claps Kwan on the shoulder and gestures toward the others. "Come on, we have newbies to whip into shape."

Fenton and I both try to argue but it's clear they're not going to listen to us. I scratch at the back of my neck and turn to look at him. He's still awkwardly clutching at his nose to keep the blood in and there's no way in hell coach is going to let me try out today.

If not for Kwan, I'd be struggling through today, trying to prove that I'm capable of being on this team despite the injuries I'll receive throughout the year. But… leave it to Kwan to get me out of a shitty situation with only a few lies uttered from his mouth.

Fenton flicks his gaze up to mine when I clear my throat and I think I notice a faint stain of pink on his face. Probably from the blood rushing to his face with the amount he's still losing. I scratch at the back of my neck and gesture toward the school building in the distance.

"Shall we?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, we're finally at the first interaction between these two! I love working on scenes with the two of them together. Next chapter is more about the two of them and it's less focused on other people so look forward to that. I may post that one next week instead of waiting the regular two weeks, I'm not sure... watch this space, that might be a thing that happens.
> 
> So, at this point, the plot of the story is advancing and it's definitely going to be more focused on the two of them as it goes. We get to see Valerie and Dash interactions again soon, I'm excited to write on her, she's a lot of fun for me.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this update, it's been a lot of fun to write. Your comments and thoughts are encouraging, please let me know what you think!


	8. Playing Hooky

Fenton keeps tipping his head back and I know from experience that only makes it a thousand times worse. He makes a squeak when I reach for him but it's only to get his attention.

"Keep your head down," I tell him, gently pushing down on the back of his head. "Seriously, you're only making it worse by keeping your head back. You'll end up swallowing a fuck ton of blood and that's just gonna make you want to vomit later on."

He casts a glance toward me before nodding, still keeping a hand clamped around his nose. I don't know why. The damage is done, it's not like his nose is gonna fall off or anything.

Fenton makes a small noise before turning toward me, letting out a soft breath. "S-So, was Kwan telling the truth? Y-Your calf's bothering you again?"

I almost forget to lie but catch myself before I start blathering on about something ridiculous. "Uh… yeah, a little, I guess," I respond, dropping my gaze to my leg. It was during one of the last games of the season. I was running toward the ball and I fucking swear it was the best kick of my football life. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, that play was amazing.

As soon as I kicked the ball, I felt the pop in the back of my leg and I hit the field before I was able to even process I was going down. Everything hurt all at once and I wasn't able to think straight. I don't know if Fenton was at that game or not but most of the town was. I got a shit ton of get well cards and gifts in the following days.

He nods, looking toward me but not really meeting my eyes. "I-I hope it stops bothering you soon. I don't w-want you to miss playing this season," he says softly, the slight tremor to his voice obvious in the silence.

I shrug, looking out toward the parking lot as we trudge our way toward the school. The football field is at least a good ten minute walk away from the main building but at least the locker rooms are close. If they weren't, I'm not sure I would have made the trek out here after getting changed.

"Y-You were walking kinda stiffly earlier," Fenton says softly, his gaze cast downward when I look at him. He keeps his hand clamped around his nose and I look away, letting out a low breath. The fact that someone I barely talk to noticed means it's probably fucking obvious as hell to the people that I do talk to. Fuck.

I run a hand through my hair, trying to forget the look on Jeff's face when he saw the bruises spread across my ribs like a roadmap to what goes on behind closed doors. That's great. Exactly what I need. Someone else to figure out this fucked up part of my life. "Yeah, well… I was trying to ignore it cause I thought I was still gonna try out today."

Fenton exhales softly when we reach the front doors and for a second, he meets my gaze. "Um… j-just don't push yourself. If you injure yourself worse, yo-you'll just make it harder to come back from," he mumbles, looking away from me. He reaches for the door handle but I grab it first, brushing by his hand to get it.

"Sure," I respond, wondering just when the hell Dr. Fenton checked in.

* * *

 

Nurse Soucie looks troubled when we step into the office but it's mainly cause Fenton's clutching his face and mine looks like I got into a fight with a blender and the damn thing won.

She looks between the two of us for a second before deciding on Fenton first. "Come here, sweetie," she says, gesturing for him to sit in one of the chairs. "Let me see your nose." She tsks when Fenton slowly releases his face after settling in the chair. "Well, it's stopped bleeding. But it's definitely broken." Soucie gently tilts his face from side to side before standing up.

"Didn't expect to see you back here so soon," she says, turning toward the sink to gather a ball of paper towels. I lean against the door frame and watch as Fenton's hands slowly curl tighter around his backpack and he lets out a small breath.

Soucie wets the paper towels before holding them out toward Fenton, instructing him to gently clean the blood off his face, handing him a mirror when he takes the paper towels from her. When she's satisfied with the way he's getting the blood off, she turns to me, raising an eyebrow. "What happened to your face?"

Fenton's gaze flicks up toward me but I keep mine trained on Soucie, forcing my face to stretch into a grin. "Well, you see… some guy was hitting on my girl, y'know? And what was I supposed to do? Let him get away with everything he was saying?" I gesture to myself. "Do I look like the kinda guy who'd just let him walk away? Nah, I had to take care of him."

Soucie rolls her eyes at my story and I remember the lie. "Though my calf is bothering me so coach Brimfield said I should have it checked out," I say, flicking my eyes toward Fenton. He's watching the two of us but quickly drops his gaze when I look his way, returning to scraping crusted blood off his upper lip.

"Lay down, let me get a look at it." Soucie gestures to the cot next to Fenton's chair, letting out a sigh. "I swear. You athletes are always pulling or tearing your muscles. You push yourselves too hard."

I climb up onto the table and let her examine my leg, knowing that she won't find anything. When she asks if it hurts, I lie and say only a bit when she applies pressure. She tells me to ice it before bed for the next three nights and see how it is.

The phone rings in the adjacent room and Soucie looks up at the noise, sighing before leaving to go check on it, telling us both to stay put. Considering my dad's the chief of police, they don't call him when I'm in the nurses office. For a while, it was my mom but they obviously can't do that anymore. When they had me fill out my information this year, I had to update my emergency contacts. Alex is first. Dad second.

As soon as Soucie leaves the room, I stretch out onto the cot, exhaling heavily. I turn my head toward where Fenton's sitting and catch his eye. His gaze drops quickly and he stands to throw away the paper towels, leaving his backpack on the floor. Fenton's steps are slow and he seems to hesitate between movements, like he's not sure what he's doing. After he sets the mirror back on the counter, he seems to realize there's nothing else for him to do so he slowly returns to the chair, his hands clenching around one another.

"You doing alright?" I ask, flicking my gaze toward the ceiling when he looks my way. He seems to find eye contact nerve-wracking so I just keep my eyes away from him. If it makes him more comfortable, I just won't look at him right now. "Your face hurt?"

Fenton lets out a breath, sinking down into the chair again. "Y-Yeah, a little," he says softly and I feel his gaze turn on me again. He's watching my face and I keep my eyes turned toward the ceiling, studying the tiled surface, listening to the way the fluorescents hum. It's not like he'll be able to tell anything about what happened. "Um… w-were you telling the nurse the truth? D-Did you really get into a fight?"

I run a hand down my face, feeling the pads of my fingers press into each bruise, the pain enough to keep me from getting rattled. "Yeah, you know how some guys are. I couldn't let him walk away with the shit he was saying."

Fenton's still staring at me and I draw my arms over my head, letting out a breath. I guess it hadn't really hit me until now but this thing I've had with Paulina for the past year and half is over. In just one weekend, she ended everything we'd ever been. I think up until now I've been pretending that it's possible we could pick up the broken pieces of us and somehow glue it all back together. But… that's not going to happen. Because I know that she's right. It hurts. Fucking burns. But I know it. I'm not the guy people stay with. Mom couldn't. Dad can barely stand me on my good days. Even Alex wants to get rid of me.

"H-Hey, Dash?" Fenton asks, his voice small. It's not enough to pull me completely from my thoughts so I just turn my head toward him, my eyes never leaving the ceiling. I don't want to talk, I just want to drown in my thoughts and make myself miserable for a little while longer. "U-Um… your stomach…"

My heart slams into overdrive and I scramble to cover my stomach, pulling the hem of my shirt down as I sit upright. Fear is rippling through me again and my hands are shaking. Fuck, no. My arms are shaking. It's not contained to my wrists anymore and waves of panic wash through me.

It hits me that I could have passed it off with some flippant comment. I could have told him that he should see what the other guy looks like. But it's too late for me to pretend this isn't a big deal. Fenton knows he wasn't supposed to see the bruises there and I've made it so fucking obvious that it's a secret. That it's supposed to stay quiet.

"Shit," I mumble, running a hand through my hair. I don't want to have this conversation with him. I don't want to try to scramble for a lie while my body is flying into panic mode. I can't do this. There's nothing for me to say to turn this around. He won't believe me now if I say it's because of the guy and Paulina and the whole-oh god. Am I breathing?

I suck in a breath and it sounds strangled. I guess the noise is enough to startle Fenton cause he leaves his seat. His hands tremble when they touch my shoulder but his grip is stronger than I thought it would be. "D-Dash, it's okay. Just breathe, okay? Y-You're panicking, just breathe. B-Bow your head and count for me, okay? Can you do that?"

All I can manage is a weak nod but Fenton takes that as a yes and keeps instructing me. Tells me to inhale to the count of seven, hold for four, and breathe out to the count of eight. I do as he tells me to, carefully measuring each breath and slowly the trembling returns to just my hands. And it's a mild tremor at that.

Fenton's hands stay on my shoulders until I look at him and then he quickly moves from in front of me, awkwardly rubbing at the back of his neck. I don't know how the fuck he knows what to do in a situation like this but somehow him backing off makes me feel more at ease. Like he won't push for answers unless I bring it up.

"Th-Thanks, Fenton," I respond, running a hand through my hair. I'm slowly breathing normally again and it's nice not to be reduced to the shakes for the rest of the day. "Where'd you uh… where'd you learn that?"

His eyes reach mine again and he shrugs. "I-I don't know. Something I've just picked up along the way," he says softly, dropping his stare down to the floor. The silence only lasts a second before he speaks, his words carefully chosen. "It's… Danny, by the way." He flicks his gaze up to me for a second and he slowly lets out a breath, running his hands down the sides of his jeans. "I-I prefer Danny."

Fenton, Danny, meets my eyes again, offering a small smile. I sink my teeth into my bottom lip and nod, looking around the room before I say anything. "Alright… Danny." It's weird to say his first name, I've been calling him Fenton for as long as I can remember. But whatever, it's his name and he did just save me from embarrassing myself in front of anyone. "Thanks."

He nods, his smile a little less timid now. He grabs his backpack up from the floor and pulls it onto his shoulders one arm at a time before meeting my gaze again, some kind of mischief gleaming in his eyes. "So. What do you say we skip PE and go get something to eat?"

I have to admit, it sounds a hell of a lot more fun than returning to the field and watching the newbies try out. I slide off the cot, grinning back at him. "Hell yeah."

* * *

 

Soucie makes us promise that we'll come back if either one of us starts feeling any worse before she lets us go. Danny keeps up with me and I can't tell which one of us is slowing down for the other. With the way my ribs ache, I'd guess it's him, but he's walking with a slight limp. I'd ask about it but it's really not any of my business.

"You wanna hit up the Nasty Burger?" Danny asks, glancing at me. He seems to hold my stare a little longer each time but in the end, he's always the one to look away. "I think they still have the summer deal going."

I don't care about the money. I just don't want to head down to the Nasty Burger cause that's pretty populated during the day and I don't want any adult knowing that we're out of school. I gesture toward my car when Danny looks for it.

"The black one," I say, steering him toward it. We part when we reach my car and I get into the driver's side, waiting for him to climb inside before I speak. "The Nasty Burger is fine but it's probably gonna be pretty packed right now and someone's bound to notice that we're out of school."

Danny seems to mull this over for a minute before nodding, clicking his seatbelt into place. "Okay… then I know a place." He glances toward me, his eyes not reaching mine. "D-Do you want me to put it into your GPS?"

I shake my head, fastening my seatbelt across my chest before starting the car. "Don't have GPS," I respond, backing out of the parking space. "You'll just have to tell me when to turn," I say, and when I look at him, he's holding my gaze. It only lasts for a split second but his face turns several shades darker when he looks away from me.

The engine under my Mitsubishi hums as we pull out of the parking lot and I throw another glance toward Danny. "Just so you know… if you bleed all over my car, I'll have to kill you," I say, grinning when he looks my way. He smiles hesitantly but laughs after a few seconds.

"Okay, I'll remember that."

* * *

 

We fall silent on the drive wherever he's taking me and I turn the car when he tells me to. The brakes squeal and I wince, shooting a glance toward Danny. "Sorry. Been meaning to fix them for a while now, just keep putting it off." It's not exactly a lie. I've just been putting off dealing with dad after fixing them. I kinda want to keep things between us pretty calm for the next several days. It'll be nice not to have to worry about coming home every night. If I don't fix my brakes, he won't have a reason to be angry with me.

Danny's quiet as I take the turn and only when we're down a long stretch of road does he look my way. "You… You're still working at Alex's garage?" he asks, his Adam's apple bobbing when I turn to him with a nod.

"Yeah," I respond, focusing my gaze on the road again. I can barely remember a time in my life when I wasn't working with Alex. It's weird to think about my life before I got to be around cars all the time. Shit, it doesn't even feel like a job, it feels more like a hobby.

I steal a glance at Danny but he's staring pretty determinedly at his lap. I'm guessing he has more to say about the job. "Why? You need your car fixed?"

His eyes shift up to mine and he nods. "Y-Yeah, actually. I was planning on bringing it in this week… wh-what days are you working?" he asks, his voice quiet as he searches my face.

"I don't know yet." Alex probably won't let me work until my injuries are cleared up and that probably won't be for several more days. Which means I won't be working until at least Thursday. "I'm gonna be there by the weekend at least. Hopefully by Thursday but I don't know what Alex is gonna say about that," I tell him, running a hand through my hair.

"B-Because of your calf?" Danny asks.

He's already seen the extent of my injuries but I don't want to explain that yeah, I'm sitting out this week cause it hurts too much to stretch or move. "Nah," I respond, letting out a breath. I don't like thinking about missing work because I'm too fragile to handle a few cars or spare parts. "He just wants me to focus on my senior year before I jump back into work. Not that it matters, I'll have this same job when high school's over."

Danny looks at me, his eyebrows drawing downward. "You're not… leaving Amity Park after high school?" he asks, almost sounding surprised. It takes me a second to remember that he's not in the know and I haven't told anyone really that I'm still not doing anything after high school. Well, working on cars isn't doing nothing but still. It's probably doing less than 'my true potential' as Alex likes to remind me every so often.

"No." I want to look over, gauge his reaction from his expression, but I don't. I keep my eyes focused out the windshield. There's a fork in the road about half a mile up and I exhale. "Alright, which way do we turn?"

He doesn't respond and we're close to the point where we need to start making a decision. I glance at him. "Danny?" He lifts his eyes to my face but doesn't say anything. Danny's expression is thoughtful and while I hate to interrupt him, I gesture toward the road with one hand. "Dude, which way do we turn?"

Danny meets my eyes for a second or two before he looks away, letting out a breath that sounds like he was holding it longer than the few seconds he wasn't talking. "Right, Dash. Turn right."

I turn the car right at the fork and we'red driving down an old road I can only remember being down once or twice when I was a kid. The pavement gives out about ten minutes after we turn and we're bumping along on an old dirt road. My attention shifts from Danny's quiet behavior to the state of my tires. If I thought my brakes were bad on paved roads, they're fucking screaming on this one.

"Uhh… how much farther?" I ask, my eyes watching for a break in the wooded area. Where the fuck is he taking me? I glance toward him but he's still silent, staring out the window. I tap my hands against the steering wheel, letting out a low whistle. "So… this is where you take people to kill them, huh? Not bad, Danny. You picked a pretty out of the way location. Even got some woods to bury my ass when you're done gutting me."

Danny lets out a snort, rolling his eyes when I look back to him. "Just drive," he replies. With a rev of the engine and a wicked grin, I do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These boys are precious gems.
> 
> Thank you for reading and I really hope you're enjoying it up to this point! Things are slowly starting to pick up and Danny's an interesting character to play around with. I used to write a lot of stories from Danny's POV so it's weird being outside of his. Good weird though, I'm still enjoying this and I really hope you are too!
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments or send me a message - your words are very encouraging!


	9. So Much More To Us Than Our Secrets

We drive for another ten minutes before passing a sign that tells us we're now leaving Amity Park. I look at Danny but he doesn't seem surprised. He said he knows where he's taking me so I don't question it. Another five minutes pass before Danny tells me to turn right again. I do as he instructs, glancing at the trees shrouding over us. Why have I never been down these roads before? I should have found them on at least one of my angry drives.

A tiny diner and parking lot comes into focus and Danny tells me to stop. When I ease my car into park, praying the brakes hang on for just a little while longer, Danny unbuckles his seat belt, sparing a look my way. "You like hot dogs, right?" His eyes search my face and I give him a nod. "I usually get mine with mustard and onions."

"Sounds fucking amazing," I respond, unbuckling my seatbelt.

"Um," Danny starts, exhaling softly. "I-I'll go and get them? Shouldn't take long," he says, glancing back toward the restaurant. "U-Unless you want to come with me…?"

I don't know why he seems hesitant to bring me with him but I'm not gonna question him. I shrug, leaning back in my seat. "Get me a Dr. Pepper," I say, shifting as carefully as I can to get to my wallet. I try to pass off the crumpled bills to him but he frowns, batting my hand away.

"No, this was my idea," he says, opening the door before giving me a smile. "Be back."

The door slams closed behind him and I watch him walk up the small path to get to the door. He disappears inside the place but I can just make out the black mop of hair moving around before my phone distracts me.

It's vibrating in my pocket and I dig it out, turning the screen over to figure out who it is. Kwan's name flashes across the top but it's just a text. I look at the restaurant again, trying to see if I can find Danny, before focusing on Kwan's message.

**From: Kwan**

_**Dude, where are u? I went down to the nurses office but she said u left already** _

I read the message over a couple times before I tap out a response, my gaze occasionally straying to the restaurant, wondering how long it's gonna take Danny to get back with the food. I push send and watch the message appear on my screen before clicking it off.

**To: Kwan**

_**Sorry, should have told you. I'm getting something to eat** _

The radio is playing distantly and I slowly inch the volume up, tapping my hands on the steering wheel to the beat. It sounds like one of the songs the guys play during coach-free practices and I easily nod my head along to it.

I guess I should pay more attention to my surroundings because I'm so lost in the music that I don't see Danny until he's right by the car, causing my heart to jump.

"Fuck!" I cry out, slamming my hands against the steering wheel. Danny looks apologetic and he tries to balance the food in one hand so he can open the passenger door. I lean across the seat and open it for him, nervously running a hand through my hair when I sit back. "Jesus, you scared the shit outta me."

"Sorry," he says quietly, easing down into the passenger seat. He sets the bags into the center console and tucks the cups into the drink holder with a sigh. "Okay. Now back onto the road and I'll show you the perfect place to devour these things."

"You're seriously going to make me wait?" I ask, the smell drifting up to me. Oh fuck, it smells like heaven in my car and I want to dig in. I buckle my seatbelt, casting a pleading glance toward Danny. He smiles in response, shaking his head.

"Come on, you'll be able to enjoy them more if you're not worrying about spilling stuff in your car," he points out, solidifying the decision for me.

"Fine," I grumble, knowing he's right, and pull out of the parking lot and back onto the dirt road.

* * *

 

Danny gives me a couple directions and it only takes us a few minutes to get where he wants us to be. It's a little closed off wooded area that looks like it might have been some kinda park or something. There are wooden benches and chairs every couple of yards and if it wasn't in such an out of the way place, it looks like somewhere I might've taken a girl on a date.

When I park, I unbuckle my seatbelt and glance at Danny. He takes his seatbelt off and opens the door, smiling at me before he grabs his food. "Come on, this is the best place to eat."

I watch him for a second before I exhale, grabbing my food before I get out of my car. I join Danny at the front of my car and watch as he climbs up onto the hood. I raise an eyebrow and he offers a sheepish smile, moving to slide off the car.

"It's fine," I respond, easing up onto the hood, scooting backward until I hit the windshield. I open up the bag, marveling at the sight of a hotdog nestled in a little basket at the bottom of the bag. "God, Danny, this looks amazing," I tell him, digging my straw out of the bag first. I tear the top off and position the straw between my teeth, blowing the wrapper off the straw and onto him.

It taps the side of Danny's face and he lets out a little squeak, glaring at me when he realizes what it is. I laugh at his expression and poke the straw through the lid of my cup, taking a long swig of the soda before rifling through the bag again.

Danny leans back against the windshield and I dig my fries out, stuffing a couple in, before turning to him. His gaze is focused away from mine and I follow his line of sight. It takes me a couple seconds but I see it. From up here, you can see the high school. I can make out the tiny figures of people on the field and I gulp down a lump of fry.

"Holy shit," I mumble, taking another sip of soda to wash down the food. "Damn, I never knew you could see the school like this."

Danny turns back to me with a small smile. "Kinda surreal isn't it?" He turns his stare back toward the high school. "Up here, it's… it's like none of the shit that's inside those walls matters." He keeps his gaze on the field for another few minutes before turning back to his food, digging out his hotdog. He slides the wrapper off in one fluid motion and I reach back into my bag to get mine.

We sit in silence for a little while, staring down at the people walking around the school grounds, and devour the best fucking food I've ever had. All thoughts of kissing the ground Alex's or Kwan's mom walks on is out of my brain. Whoever the fuck works at that tiny little restaurant is my new love and I need their name immediately.

"Jesus, Danny," I mumble around the final mouthful of the hot dog. He turns toward me and smiles when I grin. "This is-" I pause to swallow. "The best food I've ever had."

Danny beams, the smile stretching across his face. "I know, right? It's my favorite place to eat but it's a little out of the way, y'know?" he asks, glancing down at the school again with a sigh. He draws his knees up onto the hood of my car, leaning his chin on his crossed arms. A wince passes over his face when his nose crinkles at the movement. He looks pretty fucking miserable with the bruising already starting across the bridge of his nose and under his eyes.

"You gonna get your nose set today?" I ask, watching his eyes fall closed at the question. I don't know if I've just asked a question I'm not supposed to but his expression sure as hell looks like that's the last thing he wants me to ask.

He nods a little, letting out a breath as he opens his eyes again, staring down at the high school. "Probably. One of my parents will insist I go anyway," he mumbles, slumping down further. His posture looks like something I'd pull when I don't want anyone to talk to me. I've slept in a similar way before. It's a less embarrassing version of the fetal position. I exhale heavily, focusing on the school again. It's probably not smart to skip the rest of the day so I slide off the hood of my car, gathering up the garbage from our food.

"Should probably head back," I say, lifting my gaze to Danny. He meets my eyes for a few seconds before looking away, sighing again. Something tells me that heading back is the last thing he wants to do. I want to sit back down on the car and ask him what's going on. What's fucking him up on the inside. But it's none of my business. If it were me curled up on the hood of someone else's car, I'd want them to just leave me the fuck alone. So I jerk a thumb toward my car. "C'mon, we still have to hand in our papers to Lancer."

That drags another sigh from him and he keeps his stare on the high school. I move to the driver's side and open my door, watching him for a few seconds. He doesn't move from his position and I wonder what's running through his head. What does he think about when he looks at our school? Does he think about my friends? His? Whatever he does in his spare time? Is he going over all the possibilities of what to do after high school ends?

Danny turns toward me suddenly, something unreadable in his expression. "Why are you even talking to me?" he asks, his eyebrows drawing down. "Won't your friends kill you for it?"

I shrug, not really caring what they think. I lean against my door, letting out a breath. "I'm talking to you cause you're talking to me. That's how conversations work."

He rolls his eyes like he expected that answer from me but he doesn't say that. "Seriously." He slides off the hood of my car, seemingly unsure of what to do with his hands. "I just… I don't understand."

I prop my arms up on the top of my car, watching Danny try to struggle through whatever's going through his head. I want to tell him that we'll talk on the way back to school but I don't. I just wait him out, watching him fidget.

"I just… don't get it," he says finally, flicking his gaze up to my face. "You're not… I mean, your friends don't like me."

I shrug, sliding my hands off the top of my car. I get into the driver's seat and slam the door closed behind me, setting the bag of garbage on the center console. Danny hesitates outside the car for a few seconds before he follows me in, pulling the door closed behind him.

As soon as he's buckled in, I rev the engine and back out of the closed off area, zipping past the park benches on my way. The road is still bumpy but I'm less focused on my car this time. I cast a look Danny's way but he's staring intently out the passenger window. I run a hand through my hair, letting out a breath.

"Fuck what my friends think," I say, holding his gaze for as long as he lets me when he looks back. He's still the one to look away and I focus my stare on the road when he does. "It's not like I bitch at them for whoever the hell they talk to. If they give me shit for carrying on a conversation with another person, they're more immature than I thought."

Danny's looking at me again and it takes me a second to register that his mouth is slightly open. I spare a glance at the road before focusing on him again. " _What?_ "

He snaps his teeth together again, pink flushing across his cheeks when he turns away. We pass by the sign telling us that we're entering Amity Park just as my phone starts to vibrate. With one hand on the wheel, I dig my phone out with the other one.

Valerie's calling me? What the hell does she think I'm doing? Out for a joyride instead of in my classes? Well…

I hit answer on the call and prop it between my shoulder and ear, casting a final glance toward Danny before speaking. "Hey," I say softly, returning my gaze to the road. "I know you only have class on Tuesdays but the rest of us go to school five days a week, Val."

She laughs softly, her voice floating easily through the phone lines. _"I know that, you goof. I was just calling to see how the tryouts went. I wanted to be there but I had to work!"_ she says with a sigh, sounding disappointed that she didn't get to watch me this year. Val's been coming to every game I've ever played in since we met and she was really looking forward to this year's tryouts. She was supposed to be off today.

"Someone call out sick or something?" I ask, exhaling into the phone. Last time either of us were at a game was the one I tore my calf muscle. Hopefully this year, I play a little better and don't fuck up any important limbs. When Valerie grumbles something about her coworker, I glance at Danny, angling the phone away from my mouth. "Sorry, I'll get off in a second," I say softly, watching him until he nods, his face still pink.

 _"Am I interrupting something?"_ Valerie asks.

I shift the phone back to my mouth. "Not really. I'm just heading back to the school. Danny just showed me the best place to get a hotdog. Dude, you've gotta try it sometime, it's fucking amazing." I know from now until the end of time, whenever I think of hotdogs I'll only ever think of that tiny diner and the amazing cook behind it.

_"Danny…?"_

Danny's looking over at me now, probably interested as soon as I said his name. I cough once, part of me suddenly nervous. Kwan won't care that I'm chilling with Fenton and I couldn't care less what the others think of this but Valerie… I mean, she's been in my life for a long time now. I don't know her opinion of Danny.

"Y-Yeah, y'know, Danny Fenton?" I ask, forcing myself to keep my stare straight ahead and not look toward the boy in question. I don't want to see the reaction. I pick up on the stiffening of his posture out of the corner of my eye but I still won't let myself look.

 _"Oh, yeah! He was in my art class last year, he's freakishly talented. Tell him I said that, but make it sound better cause you know I suck at phrasing things,"_ she rambles. When she takes a pause, I'm guessing it's so she can hear me repeat the compliment.

With an exaggerated sigh, I roll my eyes and look toward Danny. "Valerie wants you to know that she kisses the ground you walk on for your art talent," I say, watching his face color. I don't know why but pink looks good on him. My eyes trace the way the color lights up his face and it reminds me of setting suns and the end of summertime. I can practically smell swimming pools and oceans just from that color touching his face. I wonder if he can feel how warm he is. I wonder if I'd be able to touch my fingers to his cheeks and feel the heat from his flush.

 _"Dash, that's not what I said!"_ Valerie suddenly shrieks in my ear, reminding me that I'm driving down a dirt road with Fenton riding shotgun. Jesus, where the fuck was my mind going?

* * *

 

The drive back to Casper High doesn't take nearly as long as leaving and I guess it's cause I run a couple of red lights. Ordinarily I wouldn't care about missing classes but it's the beginning of the semester and I should attempt to make an effort in the beginning. That way if shit gets ugly, I won't immediately be suspended from the football team until I manage to scrape my grades back up.

I pull into a parking space near the front of the building and scan the parking lot for Danny's car. "You want me to take a look at your car after Lancer's class?" I ask, taking my seatbelt off before pulling the keys from the ignition.

Danny shakes his head, his hair falling onto his forehead. He pushes it back with one hand, turning to give me a small smile. "No, that's alright. I'll just bring it in whenever you're working again." He hesitates for a second before adding. "Y-You can text me when you're working if you want to…"

I don't have his number but I shrug, digging my phone out of my pocket. I hand it over and wait for him to input his number with trembling fingers. I wonder if he's nervous because of my friends or if this is the same sort of fear I feel sometimes. The one I felt in the nurses office earlier.

The memory of not being able to breathe and Danny watching it all happen makes my hand curl tighter around the door handle and I slowly let out a breath. I don't want Danny to remember that. I don't want him to talk to anyone about it. I glance toward him just as he finishes putting his name in my phone. "Listen," I start, taking the device from him with a steady hand. I search his eyes for as long as he holds my gaze before I drop mine. "L-Look man… don't… don't mention to anyone about what happened earlier. I-In the nurse's office."

Danny lets out a small squeak, shaking his head when I look up to him. "I won't," he says and it bugs me that his voice is steadier than mine is. "Even if I had someone to tell, I wouldn't." He leans forward, putting a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently before giving me a hesitant smile. "I promise. Y-Your secret's safe with me."

I don't know if I believe him but if I were in that position, I don't think I'd tell anyone. It's not like what happened in the office was anything particularly dramatic. I just don't want my friends and my teammates to know that I fucking panicked at the thought of anyone seeing the bruises on my stomach. No one but Kwan gets to know the full truth and even then, I lie half the time.

There's no way for me to know if Danny's telling the truth. If he's going to keep this between us. I don't know if he's going to bring this up the next time I see him but there's nothing I can say. I can't offer an explanation for why I was unable to breathe at the thought of him finding out the truth behind my bruises. I can't give him the truth. I just have to trust that his promise means something. Even if I don't know him that well,  I get the feeling that there's so much more to Danny than I ever realized before.

"Alright… thanks."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now you all know where Danny was taking Dash! Since this story is told through Dash's eyes, you don't get to see what Danny's thinking or what he's doing when he's not around Dash so there are plenty of things that Dash doesn't know about him. Hopefully you all look forward to seeing what those things are!
> 
> I love writing interaction scenes between the boys and I hope you guys are enjoying it so far. I know slow burns can be really difficult to read through in the beginning cause you just want them to kiss already. (That's exactly how I feel while writing it so I understand)
> 
> To clear up some of the confusion surrounding this story, this is an AU, and this universe doesn't have the same characteristics that canon Amity Park does. While Amity Park is more of a city running rampant with ghost attacks and ecto-activity, this version is a small town that doesn't ever see ghost sightings. Danny's alter ego "Danny Phantom" doesn't exist in this universe but that's not to say that his powers don't exist. Everything will be revealed in time but I just wanted to clear up some of the questions I've been getting. This site only lets me have so many characters in the summary so I didn't have room to say it was an AU. I did add a bit of this to the first chapter to hopefully explain it for readers that are just now finding this story but I figured it'd be best if I add one to this chapter too. I hope that clears things up but if you have any more questions, feel free to PM me or leave a comment.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading and I hope you continue to enjoy this story. Let me know what you think the comments...? I love reading what you have to say about it!


	10. Only Damaged Quarterbacks Play Pretend

Lancer tells me I should have printed off my paper before now but his eyes linger on my face and I think that's what makes him let me off with a warning. After promising to email my paper to him tonight, he moves straight into the rest of the class, collecting their papers as he goes around the room.

I let the mind-numbing subject of English take me away for the rest of the hour, occasionally glancing toward Danny. He has his head low as his eyes skim over the required reading and I almost want to throw a note his way and interrupt his concentration. I don't actually want to bother him and Lancer's got hawk-eyes so I don't. Besides, I don't know what I would say.

As soon as we're let free, I start sluggishly out of the school, ignoring the general chatter of the people around me. I have the rest of Supernatural to binge on when I get home and I'll get the chance to peruse the cabinets for whatever dad got at the store yesterday.

I don't see Jeff or Blake coming until they're both slamming into me, jostling me from side to side and reminding me that my ribs are bruised. I let out a strangled noise and shove them off of me. I probably look fucking pathetic as I hunch over in the middle of the hallway, hands on my knees as I struggle to keep from keeling over.

Blake slaps my shoulder but he sounds concerned when he asks, "You okay, man?"

My teeth are gritted together in pain and I slowly rise from my crouched position. Lancer's looking my way from down the hall so I have to make this convincing. It causes my ribs to ache even more but I lunge for my teammates, grabbing them both in headlocks.

"You idiots thought you could surprise me," I laugh loudly, noticing how Lancer's attention slips away from me as my teammates struggle in my arms. I hold them in my grip for another couple of seconds before I let them go, grinning as they each punch me on the arm. My ribs are begging me to lay down right now and let whoever's capable just fucking carry me home but I keep going. One foot in front of the other. It's only a few more steps 'till I'm allowed to break down.

I'm in the safety of my car before I let myself breathe easier. It hurts and I know it's just going to get worse as the night wears on but it'll be alright. I still have the painkillers at the house. I should really keep some in my locker but the last thing I need is to get searched out and accused of taking steroids. Like some of the guys I play with aren't already on them.

Someone taps their knuckles against my window and a surprised garble squeaks out of me. I glare up at Kwan before rolling down my window. He looks apologetic as he rests his hands against the side of my car.

"My parents are doing a cookout tonight. Dad got some meat from one of his coworkers so mom's making hamburgers tonight," he says and I can practically hear the sizzle of the grill against the amazing burgers I've had the pleasure of knowing.

I bite my lip as my stomach growls, seriously considering it, but I shake my head. I need to get home and take some painkillers. "Nah," I say, shaking my head as I drag a hand through my hair. "I gotta do some homework."

Kwan crosses his arms. "So do it at my house," he argues and I know what he's trying to do.

"Dude, it's fine," I say, dropping my voice as I glance around the parking lot. It's mostly empty save for a couple of teacher's cars. "Dad apologized and I really think it's gonna be okay."

My best friend raises an eyebrow and his arms slowly uncross. "Really? He actually said he was sorry for what he did to your face?" he asks, nodding toward the bruises and I look away from him. He waits half a second. "Did he?"

"Not in so many words," I respond, scoffing when he sighs. "You know my dad, man. He's not one for a lot of words. He brought me a burger and we patched things up, alright? I know you don't get it but it works for us."

"A burger," he states and I sigh heavily, returning my stare to his. "That's it, Dash? You just forgive him like that? Just because he brought you food and looked a little apologetic for a few minutes? Seriously?" he asks, like he can't believe I'd let someone stick around after that.

"Yeah, seriously," I snap, more bite in my tone than normal. "I told you, we're not good with words and actions speak louder anyway."

Kwan braces his palms against my window again, holding my gaze. "Did he actually say the words 'I'm sorry'? At all?" he asks and my silence is the only response I'll give. What is he thinking? Of course my dad didn't say he was sorry. That's not how this works. It never worked that way with mom. He'd bring home flowers or some shit and they'd make up. Dad brings gifts to say he's sorry.

"No, he didn't," I finally give in, pushing his hands off my window before I roll it up. He keeps talking to me but I flip the radio on and turn the volume up until I can't hear him anymore. Until he's just another nameless, faceless person I avoid for a little while longer.

My engine growls as I back out of the parking space and zip out of the lot. I don't need anyone telling me how my dad should be acting or the things he should be saying. I already fucking know that normal fathers don't act the way he does. But normal kids aren't as fucked up as I am so it evens out. I get just as good as I give.

* * *

 

It's another angry drive and I should probably cut this shit out and act like a fucking grown up. It's not long until my age clicks over to eighteen and then none of this matters. I could move out whenever I want to and never deal with my dad again. As soon as high school is done I'm getting the cheapest place I can find. Anything to get out of there.

My phone vibrates just as I pull into my driveway and Kwan's name displays across my screen. I silence his call and start up the sidewalk. My neighbor is in her house so there's no one to wave to. I'm not really in the mood to talk to anyone so that's actually a plus for me. I twist the key in the lock as my phone starts up again.

"Fucking hell, Kwan," I say, silencing the call again. It doesn't take long for a series of texts to appear on my phone and I toss the damn thing onto the couch to look at later. My backpack thumps to the floor in front of the couch and I push the door shut behind me, twisting the deadbolt back into place.

Dad really went all out on this grocery trip and I have my selection of chips and various cookies. I go for a mini-bag of Doritos and head into the living room with another can of Dr. Pepper. As I pass by the table, a couple of letters with my name on it catch my eye and I grab them up, carrying them into the living room.

I plop down on the couch and open my soda, taking a long drink before I set it aside, digging through the cushions to get to my phone. Kwan's texts are straight to the point and it drags a groan from me, leaving me wondering how the hell I'm going to respond.

**From: Kwan**

_**I'm sorry for upsetting you :(** _

**From: Kwan**

_**I know it's different for you guys but I just think you deserve better, you know that. You shouldn't have to put up with his shit** _

My best friend doesn't swear ordinarily. But whenever the topic of my dad is brought up, all bets are off cause he can get a sailor mouth two seconds into that conversation. I drop my phone back down and open my chips, cramming several into my mouth before rifling through the mail.

The first one is just a statement from my bank, reminding me once again that the only time I swipe my debit card is when I order fast food. I sink down further into the couch and crumple the statement in my attempt to get it back into the envelope. I give up and put it on the coffee table, reaching for my phone again.

**To: Kwan**

_**It's fine, you don't have to apologize** _

I debate adding a smiley face but that's not my style. I send it off, knowing that he's going to come back with something about coming over to eat his mom's food. I don't actually have homework to do, aside from Algebra, but I do have a date with Dean Winchester's Impala. I swear, I pay more attention to the car than any of the female guest stars.

The second envelope is something about school but the third one… the third one is scrawled in a woman's handwriting and the little heart beside my name has my hands clenching around the paper. What the fuck is she doing writing me after all this time?

My hands shake and I want to tear into it right now. I want to open this shit up and get it over with. Figure out what dear old mom has to say after these months of silence. After shutting her service off after I called her every time dad got violent. I guess she got tired of me begging her to come home.

Fuck this, I can't read it. I don't know what to do with it so I shove it under the couch. Dad and I don't clean, ever, so it'll stay there until I'm ready to face it. Another thing I should really stop doing. Avoiding problems and hoping they go away. Yeah, like that ever works.

I relax into the cushions and ignore my stupid phone and the stupid letter and just check out with some television. I don't know what's on because I don't care. I just let whatever the channel is playing keep going and I pretend that my problems don't exist.

Right now, I'm just a normal guy with two parents that actually give a shit about him and he's well on his way to going to a prestigious college with a bunch of scholarships lined up for him. Playing pretend should be left to the kids because it's just pathetic when you're older.

* * *

 

Dad comes home at six and I'm still checked out in front of the TV. Doesn't stop my body from tensing when I hear his key in the door but whatever. I'll take what I can get. I tear my eyes away from the screen and mute the television just as dad steps inside and he flicks his gaze from me to whatever the hell's playing.

"What are you doing, son?" he asks, pushing the door closed behind him. I shrug and move my legs out of the way so he can sit. He spares a glance at me before easing down onto the other end of the couch with a sigh. "How'd tryouts go?'

Almost forgot that was today.

I unmute the TV and let a stupid commercial play through before I look at him with another shrug. "Alright, I got the position again," I tell him and he beams. It's not like there was anyone else there to steal it from me so I don't understand why he looks so fucking proud. All this position means is that I can toss a ball around pretty well.

"Dash, that's great," dad says earnestly, still smiling when I turn my focus back on the TV. "I'm serious, we should celebrate."

I snort, shaking my head. I can't remember the last time we celebrated anything in this house. Probably Christmas. Though that wasn't much of a celebration. That was more just walking on egg shells and trying not to wake dad up from his drunk stupor.

"Come on, I bought steaks the other night, we should throw them on the grill," he says, patting my thigh before standing up. I watch him leave the living room and debate saying no. Telling him that there's no point in celebrating because I didn't even try out. I couldn't. Because of him. His hands. And the goddamn bruises he always leaves in his wake.

I hesitate just long enough for him to look back before I'm shutting the television off and following after him, my mind lingering on the letter still underneath the couch. With the stupid fucking heart beside my name.

Dad and I work in silence as he slathers up two steaks in A1 sauce and I throw some potatoes on to boil, turning the burner up high so they'll get done faster. I lean back against the counter, crossing my arms as he works and he smiles at me.

"You okay, kiddo?" he asks, his basting brush hovering just above the steak. Sauce drips from the bristles slowly and I stare at them instead of my dad. He hasn't called me 'kiddo' in a long time and it's strange to hear him say it now.

"Yeah," I say quietly. He doesn't immediately return to preparing the steaks and I look up at him, nodding once. "I'm fine, just been a long day."

Dad smiles in response and he's back to basting. I move through the kitchen, feeling the tension in my gut. It's kind of similar to the shaking but at least this isn't obvious to everyone around me. It comes with the same familiar feeling of terror but at least this isn't brought on by smashing glasses or angry fists. Just by dad asking if I'm okay. Cool. Good to know.

"You want to come outside with me while I cook?" he asks. I could easily say no and tell him I'll be inside keeping an eye on the potatoes. But you can see the stove from the patio and I don't want to do anything to disrupt the way he's acting. He's almost nice right now and I haven't experienced that in a long time.

"Sure, lemme grab my phone," I tell him, crossing back through the kitchen and into the living room. I hear the back door slide open and I pick my phone up from the couch cushions. An unread text from Alex is in my inbox and I pause to read it over, checking the back door before I do.

**From: Alex**

_**I'm a little surprised you didn't just show up to work anyway :P How'd tryouts go?** _

I roll my eyes at his use of the smiley face and tap out my response as I move through the kitchen. I pause typing to pull open the back door and step out onto the patio with dad. He looks up as I come outside and gives me a smile. I do my best to return it before I'm focused on my phone again.

**To: Alex**

_**You can sleep soundly tonight. Casper High once again has hold of the best quarterback in town** _

I click my screen off again, dropping the device into my pocket. I move to lean against the railing of the patio, staring out into the back yard. Dad and I used to take turns mowing the lawn but last summer he just quit. I've been taking care of it ever since and I can't wait until it's finally cold enough for the grass to just die.

"Who were you texting?" dad asks, slapping the meat onto the grill with a sizzling noise. I close my eyes to the sound and try to remember the last time we grilled out like this. I think mom was still with us. I can't remember exactly, it all kind of runs together sometimes.

"Alex," I tell him, crossing my arms as I lean forward. There's a slight wind today, reminding us that summer's ending soon and we should get used to the cooling temperatures. If I'm working on a car or throwing a football, I don't care what the weather's like.

"He asking you about work?"

I exhale softly and turn to face dad, leaning my back against the railing instead. This position puts more strain on my ribs but I can see the stove now. "Nah, he was asking about tryouts," I respond. The best way to eat steak is with a Budweiser but I doubt dad'll go for that. He likes to sometimes remember that I'm still underage. And honestly, the longer I keep him away from the alcohol the better.

We fall silent as he cooks the steak and the smell finally reaches me, making my stomach growl. It's loud in the silence and dad points it out, laughing a little when it happens again just seconds later. I make a shitty joke about how he should have made me two instead and he laughs again.

I don't remember the last time it was this carefree between us but it's hasn't been this way in a long time. He was nice when I injured my calf muscle but it wasn't the same as this is. Right now, I feel okay and the tension in my gut slowly leaves without turning into the shaking. I'd kill for a thousand more days like this one. And I think for a few minutes, I pretend that those thousand days are real and I'm just living in one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo readers! Thanks for reading this update! This chapter was a bit more difficult to write than I'd anticipated. Particularly cause I hate making Dash's dad seem nice...? I have a feeling it's gonna get much worse the more I have to do this.
> 
> So, sadly there's not much interaction between the boys in this chapter but the next one has them, for sure. I always miss it when they're not interacting. It is a slow burn though so I'm trying to have patience as it all starts going. Hopefully you guys will look forward to the next one! As you guys can probably tell, Dash is used to just pushing his problems away and dealing with them never or waiting until someone else deals with it. Which is why he just can't open the letter yet. But he will, all in his own timing.
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this one! Please let me know what you think in the comments - it really does help me with motivation.


	11. The Difference Between Faking And Fine

Practice starts Wednesday and when coach asks how my calf is, I tell him it's getting better. My ribs are only a little purple now and the bruises on my face have faded away to that sickly green-yellow color. Coach tells me to sit out until Friday and then I'm supposed to rejoin the practices. Fine by me. I have homework to do anyway.

I could go home and leave them practicing but I sit on the bleachers, pouring over my Algebra II homework and nearly having a breakdown. How the hell is this supposed to make sense to anybody? I'd take a thousand of Lancer's papers over a page of this shit.

"Twelve," someone says from above me and I turn on the bleacher to squint up at them. It's hard to make out who it is from the sun beaming behind them but I have a feeling from the faded red Converse and the nervous way he shifts from foot to foot that it's Fenton.

"Huh?" I ask and he hesitates a second before sinking down on the bleacher directly behind me. I turn further to see him and finally get a good look at his face. He's biting his bottom lip in concentration as he stares down at the Algebra book open on my lap.

Danny nods toward it. "For number three. X equals twelve," he says, shrugging when I look up at him. "I've been in AP math for the past year. It comes easy to me."

I grunt. "That makes one of us." I shift my gaze back to the stupid homework and scribble down his answer. My eyes take in the fourth problem but my brain has checked out. "I don't suppose you'd give me the answers to all of them, would you?"

When I glance back up at him he's smiling softly but he shakes his head. "No."

"Worth a shot," I respond, returning to the mind-numbing process of math. Give me a car and I'll tell you what's wrong with it. Hand me a football and I'll show you how far I can throw it and tell you which one of my teammates is going to catch it. But math and I have never gotten along.

Danny makes a soft noise and I look up at him, frowning. "Don't tell me that I've done the other shit wrong too or I'll just drop out now."

"No, that's not it," Danny says, laughing softly. He wobbles a bit when he stands but he takes a step down to the bleacher I'm sitting on and sits beside me. "I can help you with your algebra if you want me to. I can't give you the answers but I can make it a little easier to understand," he offers, darting a look back up to me.

"Really? You don't think I'm hopeless?" I ask, crossing my arms when he snags my workbook from my lap. He runs a finger down the page, tracing my scribbled answers. His index finger runs over the indention several times before he looks at me.

"You're not hopeless," he says, holding my stare. There's something in his eyes that looks like he's not talking about just math anymore. That maybe he's trying to reassure me or some shit. I don't need anyone's fucking sympathy.

"Yeah, well you haven't seen the rest of my work," I say, grabbing my book from him. He lets me take it and I can feel him watching me but I don't let him try to give me some kind of compliment. I don't need to hear that shit. "Trust me, it sucks a lot more than you think."

I flip the book closed and cram it into my backpack again, watching the sides bulge out as I do. Danny's watching me as I hitch my backpack up onto my shoulder and I look down at him when I stand. "I'm working tomorrow after school so bring your car by at some point."

Danny nods slowly, standing up from the bleachers. He follows me off the field and we kind of fall into walking next to each other. I'm too exhausted to walk any faster to ditch him and besides, he's not awful company.

"Okay," he finally says as we round the school building and I look at him. He holds my gaze for a second before dropping his to the ground. "I'll bring it by around five then? M-Maybe a little earlier."

I glance back at the field before looking his way again. "I'm not sticking around for practice after school so you have a window as soon as school's over. We usually get the most customers on Thursdays so you want to get there early enough to secure a spot."

"O-Okay," he stammers, coming to a stop. I guess we reached his car, because he's staring out into the parking lot, but when I look where he is, I see what's caused him to stop. I've never groaned out of frustration when I saw Paulina leaning against my car but I guess there's a first time for everything.

"Yeah, just bring it by whenever," I tell Danny, looking back at him. I think about giving him a smile but there's nothing really to smile about. "I'll see ya."

I move across the parking lot quickly and stop just short of my Mitsubishi, folding my arms over my chest. Paulina looks up from her phone and takes her weight off my car. "Dash," she breathes and my name on her lips reminds me of panting breaths and staggered moans amidst tangled sheets and pounding hearts.

"What?" I ask, distracting myself from the sound of her breathy inhale. If I pop a boner here in the open air, there'll be no denying what she's still able to do to me.

Paulina steps closer to me and slides her phone into her back pocket. I curse myself for the way my eyes trace the outline in her pocket I can just make out by looking over her shoulder. Her shorts hug her ass in the perfect way and I want to put my hands where her phone is.

"Dash, I'm sorry," she breathes, spreading her hands across my chest. She stands on her toes and gingerly places kisses along my healing bruises. I want her. I want this to go back to the way that it was. But I know she meant every fucking word she said to me on Saturday.

Her hands tangle in my hair and my backpack slides from my shoulders. It falls onto the pavement and then my arms are around her. My lips on hers. Her fingernails scrape my scalp and our tongues mingle together. I forget why I don't want this. I just let myself forget everything.

* * *

 

We're barely inside her house before our shirts are off and I'm kissing the curve of her breasts. She moans at my every touch and I drag my mouth down her abdomen, lingering on her piercing just above her waistband. Fuck. I remember when she got this ring. I was with her. Held her hand and gently placed kisses around her belly-button for weeks after.

Her hands tangle in my hair again and she drags my face back up to hers, kissing me hard. My eyes close and I kiss her back, our moans no longer escaping into the open air.

She'd pulled us onto the couch when we stumbled inside and I'm surprised she didn't make me wait until we got into her bedroom. She must not be expecting her parents home for a while. Still, the last time we did it on a couch was at the summer home.

I snake a hand down her stomach, slipping it into her waistband. She moans at the touch and I feel the lace of her panties underneath my fingers. I trace the inside of her thigh with one finger and she turns her head.

A strangled noise leaves her and she pulls my hand from her pants. I flick my gaze up to hers for a second but follow her line of sight. Her dad's on the back porch with someone else, both clutching beers. Their backs are to us but her dad's hand is closed around the doorknob. Paulina hastily climbs off the couch, and pulls her top on with shaky fingers. She flings mine toward me and I just manage to pull it on before the back door opens.

Her dad wanders into the living room, glancing between us with a smile. "Oh, hey Dash," he says, nodding toward me. "How's your dad?"

Our parents used to hang out and sometimes her dad and mine still get together but it's been a while. Dad's been busy with work lately and I guess he hasn't had time to check in with anyone.

I shrug. "He's fine, Mr. Sanchez," I tell him, darting a glance toward Paulina. So much for a quickie after school. I subtly drop my hands into my lap to cover the tent I'm sporting in my jeans. Thank god it's denim and not my practice shorts or anything.

"That's good, I'm glad to hear it," he says with a grin. He crosses over to Paulina, kissing her on the head before pulling her into a one-armed hug. "How was school, sweetie?"

She smiles up at him, innocence shining in her eyes and I avert my eyes away from the two of them. Paulina stands on her tiptoes to kiss her dad's cheek. "Good. I got a B on my history test," she says, beaming up at him when he smiles.

Paulina's always had this weird thing about pleasing her old man. It's been there since before we started dating and it used to cause problems between us. Back when he thought I wasn't good enough for his daughter. He's not wrong but fuck if I'm going to tell him that.

I ease myself up from the couch, chancing a look at them before I speak. "I should really get going. It was nice seeing you again, sir. I'll tell my dad to give you a call."

Mr. Sanchez nods at me with a smile and Paulina hesitates a second before leaving her dad's embrace. "I'll walk you out," she tells me, a flush creeping across her face. I wonder if now that we're not touching, she's regretting what we were doing. I wonder if she's thinking clearly now.

The slight wind in the air stirs up feelings of autumn in my soul and I turn toward Paulina when I'm halfway down the driveway. Now that we're not touching, I'm thinking clearly. I want to hurt her the way she hurt me. I want to make her wonder what she did wrong.

"So… raincheck on this?" she asks, coyly biting her lip and dragging me right back in. I can't be the one to end things. I never am. Cause as awful as this is and as much as I know I don't have to put up with this back and forth shit, she's the best I'm ever going to get. I don't fucking deserve her and every time she gives me the time of day it makes hope spring awake in my chest. Makes me think that maybe this could work. Maybe this time, I could become the kind of person that deserves someone like her.

"Yeah, raincheck."

* * *

 

Dad's car is in the driveway when I pull up and the sight throws me for a loop. He's at the kitchen table when I walk in, a can of beer open. The sight of the can makes the knots in my stomach tense up again and I try to keep from staring at it. He looks up when the door opens and gives me a smile.

My legs are shaky but I walk into the kitchen, dropping my backpack into one of the kitchen chairs before sinking down into the seat next to it. Dad leans forward and squeezes my shoulder. "How are you?"

I run my fingers through my hair, trying to remember when I stopped trusting dad with the mundane stuff of my life. When he asks, I'm fine. School's fine. Work's fine. Paulina's fine. Everything's fine. I don't know when 'fine' and 'fucked up' became the same thing but it works.

"Fine," I tell him, blowing out a pent up breath. If Paulina's dad hadn't been home, I'd still be tangled in between her legs, forgetting about everything else. Not sitting beside my dad, wondering if I should have bolted upstairs as soon as I came in.

Dad keeps his hand on my shoulder and squeezes again, smiling at me when I look at him. "Whatever it is, I hope it works out for you, son." He's being too kind. Something's off. I feel it in the way the hair on the back of my neck stands up.

I slowly turn to look back at the couch but I can't tell if mom's letter is still under there. I don't know if he's found it and is waiting for me to say something about it. I slowly release a breath and look back to him with a nod.

"First game's next Friday," I tell him, some part of myself hoping that he shows up. He was in the crowd during two of my games in my sophomore year but he didn't come to a single one during junior year. Otherwise known as 'the worst fucking six months of my life'.

Dad's smile stays intact as his hand slips from my shoulder. "I'll see if I can get the night off then. Leave a note for me on the fridge so I don't forget."

My head is swimming. He's… actually going to come? Today's been fucking weird. Fenton offering to help me with my Algebra homework and actually meaning it. Then Paulina shows up with words of sorry. Now dad's smiling at me and saying he's gonna come to my game and I'm… I'm fucking staring at him.

I snap my teeth together and nod. I'm not sure of where to go from here and dad turns back to the crossword puzzle. It feels weird to just get up and leave so I reach over for my backpack and dig out my history book. Might as well read over the assigned twelve fucking pages before I escape to my room.

* * *

 

I'm pulling into a parking space in front of Alex's garage as my phone vibrates in my pocket. I ignore it for a second and aim the rearview mirror to my face. The bruises are mostly gone but two are still hanging on. One along my jawline and the other on my temple. They're still that sickly green color and I really hope Alex doesn't notice.

My phone buzzes again and I pull the thing from my pocket before killing the engine. The shop already has a couple cars lined up which means there's no way I'll get turned down again. Not even Alex can turn me down on a Thursday.

**From: Paulina**

_**Hey you! Come by my place after practice is finished? We can pick up where we left off the other day~ xoxo** _

Something in me stirs at her words. It's most likely my dick. I drum my fingers on the sides of my phone before unbuckling my seatbelt and opening my door. I stand in front of my car, tapping out a response before I slam my door closed and start up into the shop, pocketing my phone as I go.

**To: Paulina**

_**I'm working today, not doing practice. How late is too late to come over?** _

If I end up spending the night at her place instead of going home, fine by me. I won't even need to tell anyone. No one's gonna be sitting up for me at home.

Alex looks up when I walk in and does a double take. Guess the bruises are more obvious than I thought. He instantly moves from behind the car he's working on and I pause where I'm at, knowing he'll find me no matter where I disappear into the shop at.

He reaches me and I take a few steps forward, putting a Kia Soul in between us. Alex stops on the other side, probably knowing that I'll keep distance between us no matter how hard he tries to bridge it.

"Hey," he says softly and I don't know what the hell to say in response.

I scratch at the back of my head and for once, decide not to avoid the obvious. I gesture to my face with one hand. "S'not as bad as it looks," I say, biting down on the inside of my jaw. I want to tell him the same story I told the nurse on Monday but I don't like lying to Alex. Fuck that, I hate lying to Alex.

His eyes wander around the shop before focusing on me, his voice dropping a little. "Does it still hurt?" he asks softly, nothing but concern in his features. It kills me how much he worries about me. He's got his own life. He doesn't need to spend it worrying about some fucked up kid.

"No," I tell him and it's mostly true. My face quit hurting yesterday but my ribs are still a little tender. Green in most areas but there's a few purple spots still littered across them. I shove my hands into the pockets of my uniform, feeling my phone vibrate with a new text.

Alex watches me carefully as he crosses in front of the car. He stops just shy of clearing the car and he lets a breath out. "Dash… is your father-"

"I'm fine." I have to stop him before he gets going. Before he starts talking about deserving more or reaching for anything else. I'm fine. I have to be. This doesn't work if I'm not alright. Or if I can't fake it that well. This garage is the only distraction I have and I don't even need it today. Things are good. They're really fucking good and I don't want to mess it up.

Alex looks like he wants to say more so I close the distance between us, squeezing his shoulder. My face breaks into a grin and I wonder if it reaches my eyes. I wonder if he can tell when I'm faking and when I'm not. Kwan always could, even before he knew this shit about my dad. I wonder if Alex can tell even though he doesn't know about my dad. At least, not for sure anyway.

"Seriously, I'm alright. Things are good right now." I nod toward the shop. "Now tell me which one of these beauties is mine for the next hour."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey readers! Thanks for reading this chapter and reading this story in general. Your comments and messages are extremely motivating. Like... I can't even explain how much it helps to be able to read through your thoughts on the story so far when I'm writing. So seriously, thank you.
> 
> Poor Dash just can't turn Paulina down, can he? But, Danny's in the picture now - maybe that might change ;) Also, here we can kinda see how Dash isn't used to his dad being kind to him for no reason. The poor boy doesn't know anything about the cycle of abuse so he's kind of lost to his own theories.
> 
> Again, thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think!


	12. I'm Sorry I Can't Be Perfect

I work on four cars – a Mazda, a Ram 1500, a Nissan Pathfinder, and a Mini-Cooper – before Danny shows up. His sleek Hyundai Equus breezes to a stop at the edge of the garage and he climbs out of the driver's seat, swinging his keys around his finger.

A low whistle leaves my lips as I cross the shop toward him. "Damn, Fenton. Didn't realize your wheels were so fucking sweet," I say, looking past him to ogle his car. Damn. Bet his brakes don't squeal when he makes turns.

Danny laughs softly and the sound draws my attention back to his face. "Sorry, it never comes up in regular conversation," he says, dropping his gaze when I look at him.

I put a hand on his shoulder and squeeze. "Dude. You can always talk to me about cars. They're my fucking life man." The expression on his face makes me laugh and the sound is obnoxiously loud in the quiet of the shop. A few heads turn our way but I ignore them, nodding toward Danny's ride. "So. I don't know if you've ever been to a garage instead of the dealership before but here at Alex's, we take everything seriously. Important questions first."

"Oh, um, the manual is in the glove box if you want me to grab that for you," he stammers, half-turning back toward his car. He tilts his head to one side when he looks back at me.

"What's her name?" I ask, gesturing to the Equus when he seems confused. Like I could be talking about anything else. He didn't bring a girl here; what else would I be talking about? He still looks like he has no idea what I'm talking about so I let out an exaggerated sigh. "Your car," I stress.

"Uhh… it's a Hyundai," he says softly, frowning when he meets my stare. "I-I don't know much about it. I have all the information in the glove box." He starts when I raise an eyebrow. "Wh-What?"

He really isn't listening to me. "Dude. The name of your car," I pause for a second before folding my arms across my chest. "You have named her, right? Don't tell me she's nameless."

Danny gives me a funny look, tilting his head to the side again, like he can't believe I'm even asking this question. More people should name their cars and save me the trouble. "Does everybody name their cars?"

I roll my eyes and start for the Hyundai, listening to his hesitant footsteps as he follows after me. "No," I respond, glancing over my shoulder when I reach the driver's side door. "But you should know that I name all of the cars I work on. So, yours is getting a name whether you like it or not." I open the door and pop the hood open, marveling at the sheer beauty of it. "Took Val a couple of months to come around to the name of her car but you'll get used to it eventually."

Danny crosses his arms as he stops at the side of his car and I slam his door closed again before crossing in front. I slowly lift the hood, wondering how I've never noticed his car before. It's such a sweet set of wheels, I should have seen it in the school parking lot before now.

"How long have you had this car?" I ask, looking up toward him. This thing looks brand fucking new. If he tells me it's been a while and he hasn't changed the oil or something, I might throttle him.

He shrugs, keeping his stare away from me. "Um… a couple of months, I think?" he says, more like a question than a statement and I wonder how sure he is about it. If it's been any longer, I'll kill him for not taking care of it.

"Alright. What are you bringing it in for?" I drop onto my forearms as my eyes peruse the beautiful engine. It's too hot but I want to reach out and touch it, feel the warm metal underneath my fingers. If it wasn't gonna burn me, I probably would.

"I uh… I-I kinda ran over something last week so I think the tires are losing air," he says softly, turning away from the back tire when I look up at him. Heat floods his face but there's something almost like shock in his eyes.

I frown and he looks away from me, his shaky hands disappearing as he crosses his arms. I don't want to know that he's shaking or that he's scared. I hate feeling like that but I hate seeing it on him even more. It reminds me of when I'd panic and mom would try to calm me down. There wasn't much she could do and it'd only make dad angrier.

"It's fine, Danny," I mumble, rising from the car. I slam the hood and take a step toward him, reaching out for the keys. I keep distance between us but I want to squeeze his shoulder or something. Offer some pathetic form of reassurance. "I need the keys."

He looks up at me and hesitates a few seconds before he uncrosses his arms, holding the keys out to me. I quickly step away from him and climb into the driver's seat. The engine fucking purrs when I twist the keys into the ignition. Oh god, I'd kill for a car like this. Something that responds easily to my every touch. Then again, I wouldn't trade Rider for anything. It's got shitty breaks but it's as much a part of me as football is.

I park the car on the other side of a Honda Odyssey and climb out, setting the keys on my work table. "So, let me get it up on a jack and I'll take a look at it." I gesture across the shop. "Waiting area's over there if you want to stick around." I glance back toward him. "Unless someone's coming to get you."

Danny shakes his head and darts a look at the stool next to my toolbox at the head of the bay. He points to it before looking up at me. "Can I sit here?" he asks. Valerie never asks anymore so I'm not able to turn her down. But Danny doesn't seem like the type to bug me while I'm working so I nod before turning back to the lift. It hitches twice before it rises from the pavement and his car's almost to my chest.

I check to make sure the lift is locked into place before I move to the other side, taking a look at the tire he was gazing at. I can hear air whistling out of it and I wonder how the fuck he managed to drive it here in this state. "Jesus, Fenton," I mumble more to myself than to him.

He leaves the stool and comes to stand by me, crossing his arms as I stare at the tire. "Wh-What is it?" he asks, like he can tell how to fix the problem just by looking at it. I can, but he probably can't.

"It's blown," I tell him, standing back with an exhale. How was he able to drive it all the way here without running off the road? With the rate it's losing air, there's no way he's been driving this for a week. "What the hell happened?"

Danny slowly shrugs, casting his eyes away from my face. "Um… I-I told you, I ran over something last week. I-It was just lying in the middle of the road. I didn't think it hurt anything b-but I guess it kinda did?"

I roll my eyes, stepping past him. It bugs the shit out of me that his car apparently defies all logic. It's that or he's lying about what happened. Still. He mentioned bringing his car by on Monday. There's no way it would have lasted that long in this state. "I'm gonna check the other tires too before I get you an estimate," I tell him, crouching down next to the front tire. It looks perfectly untouched and fuck, these tires look almost brand new.

"I-Is something wrong?" Danny asks, interlacing his fingers together as he slowly follows me around to the other side of the car.

"No," I respond, checking over the other two tires. They look fine and I have no fucking clue why it would have only hit one back tire. Normally it's the other way around. If there's something in the road, it hits the front tires first. They take the brunt of the object, not the back. "Where were you driving?"

Danny doesn't say anything in the silence and I run my fingers along the tread. It's spotless. Completely fucking spotless. What the hell?

I rise from my crouched position, dusting my hands on the ass of my uniform. "Probably gonna cost you at least a few hundred bucks today. I think we carry Hyundai tires but I'll have to check the supply room." I flick my gaze toward Danny and he's staring at the pavement with a screwed up look on his face. "Be back in a second."

Danny nods and I leave him standing there, moving quickly through the shop to find Alex. He's talking to another mechanic – Eric Richards – but he pauses mid-sentence when he sees me. I come to a stop next to him and he spares a quick look back at Eric. "Sorry, give me a minute."

He waits for Eric to go back to his car before he turns to me, his expression letting me know he's worried. I jerk my thumb toward Danny's car, the scent of gasoline reaching me. "Do we have to order some Hyundai tires or are there still some in the back?" I look over my shoulder at the car before turning back toward Alex. "For an Equus."

Alex glances past me to where I left Danny and he nods. "We still have a few in the back. I'll get one for you," he says, eyeing my bruises again. I let him step past me and follow behind him.

"I'll be getting the tire off, just bring it over when you find it," I tell him, gesturing toward the car. I watch him disappear into the back of the shop before returning to Danny. He looks up when I approach him and he slowly leaves the stool, his hands clenched around his phone.

My eyes stray toward Danny for a few seconds before I focus on the car, grabbing my wrench. "Gonna cost you at least three seventy today," I tell him, moving back to his side of the car. I brush past him and his cold fingers touch the inside of my wrist in the closeness. He flushes at the contact and I stand next to the tire, already loosening the lug nuts in the silence.

I look toward Danny, holding the lug nuts out toward him. Before the words are even on my tongue, I know what I'm doing. "Can you hold these for me?" When someone offers me a distraction from whatever's fucking with my head, I usually jump at the chance to take it. If Fenton's anything like me, he'll do the same.

Danny looks up at my voice and nods, pocketing his phone again before taking the greasy parts from me. They clink together in his hands and I return to the tire. I remove two more, passing them both to Danny, before I have to pull the tire off. The pressure on my ribs as I twist the tire is too much and I lose my breath. I suck in one immediately after and it sounds like I'm dying. Danny takes a step closer to me at the noise and I do my best to wave him off. I give it another go and my ribs beg me to stop trying. Fuck, why do they still hurt this bad?

"Do you need help?" someone asks me and I look up, meeting Alex's stare across the car. He's already leaned the other tire against the stool and is watching me, hovering. Like he knows I won't be able to do this simple thing on my own. Because I'm too fucking weak to handle a little bit of pressure on my bruised ribs.

I let out a breath and take a step away from the car, turning my back toward it, as I scratch at the back of my head. Fuck. I hate feeling weak. I hate anyone seeing me fail. I've always been this fucking pathetic, why am I still surprised? Why do I still think I'm capable of more?

My fingers knot in the back of my hair and the grip I have on my hair turns painful after a few seconds but it's keeping me grounded. Reminding me I'm in the shop and not in my car or bedroom where I can fall apart like a fucking mess.

"Dash," Alex says softly, his fingers gentle as he touches my shoulder. I don't want to shy away from the touch but I take a step forward, keeping my back to him and Danny. Fuck, I can't let either of them see me like this. It's pathetic. It's so fucking pathetic. "Why don't you get a drink for you and Danny?" he asks softly, holding a five-dollar bill out to me.

I can't look at him. I slowly drop my hand from my hair and take the money from him. I turn on my heel and start for the waiting area. I try to keep my eyes forward but I can't stop myself from looking toward Danny and his expression is worried. Great. Just what I need. Someone else to worry about me. self.

The waiting area's empty when I step inside and I let the door swing shut behind me, my footsteps loud in the silence. I have to straighten the bill on the side of the vending machine twice before the damn thing takes and I notice my fingers shaking as I press the buttons. Goddammit, stop. Just stop fucking shaking. Stop being pathetic.

I slam my open palms against the vending machine, trying to just get a fucking grip already. Failure is nothing new to me, it really shouldn't mess with my head the way it does. But god. The way Danny looked at me as I was leaving. He probably thought I was going off the fucking deep end or something. Who reacts the way that I do? Who else is this goddamn weak?

The door opens behind me and I turn toward the noise. Alex steps inside and lets the door shut behind him. He hesitates for a second before clicking the lock into place. A bead of sweat rolls down my back and I clear my throat, turning toward the vending machine again.

I gather up the change and snatch the Coca-Cola from the dispenser, shoving quarters in with my thumb to get a drink for myself. I punch in the familiar number for Dr. Pepper and wait while the machine spits it out.

"Dash."

The soda hits the bottom of the dispenser and I shove my hand through the flap, grabbing the can. The cold clings to my palm and I hold it in one spot until it starts to burn. The more it hurts, the better. At least this way, it gives me something other than my stupid shaking hands to focus on.

"Dash, it's okay," Alex says softly and I can't take it. Not again. Not from him. I turn toward him suddenly and he raises an eyebrow, clearly surprised.

"Stop," I spit. I can't stand here and listen to him tell me that I'm okay. That I'm fine. Normal people don't react this way. Normal people can be fucking grownups and not let everything get under their skin. "Just stop, Alex. I'm fine."

Alex holds my gaze and I look away. I try to step past him but he grabs my upper arm. "Dash," he says, firmer this time. He won't let go of me so I look back at him. I don't want to hear him tell me that my reaction is anything other than what it is. Pathetic. I can't even take a fucking tire off a car cause my lungs are too fucking weak to handle it.

"You're okay," Alex says softly, moving his hands to my shoulders. He squeezes gently, forcing me to stay looking at him. "Don't think about it. Not even for a second. You're okay. It's okay."

How the fuck is it okay? I react like a fucking child when things are a little too difficult for me. I guess it's a good thing I'm never going anywhere other than here after high school. A normal boss would rather fire me on day one than put up with my stupid shit.

"It's not okay," I hiss out, trying to move out of his hold. He only responds by stepping between me and the door before his hands are back on my shoulders. I let out a long sigh. "Jesus Christ, Alex. I have a car to finish."

"This is more important," he responds, silently pulling me into a hug. He's got a little height on me so my chin rests on his shoulder when he pulls me against him. I feel weaker like this. Even more pathetic. And it isn't the first time this has happened. I can't handle situations so I let Alex hold me and pretend that he can fix all my fucked up pieces. All of my jagged, sharp edges. Every ugly bit of me, I fool myself into thinking that Alex can make better.

I close my eyes as his arms wrap around my frame and I keep mine hanging by my sides. The cold from the sodas is still seeping into my skin and I focus on that. Not the warmth of his touch or the way he whispers that I'm okay or some other bullshit. If I was okay, I wouldn't be such a fucking wreck.

* * *

 

Alex offers to finish working on Danny's car for me but I'm not that useless. I can handle a damn car. It's about all I can handle most days but whatever. Better than nothing.

Danny leaves the stool when he sees me approaching and I wordlessly hold the coke out toward him. His fingers tremble when he takes the can from me and I'm quick to pull back. I don't want him to accidentally touch me and pick up on the fact that my fingers are trembling too. It'd only remind me that I'm still just as pathetic now as I was five minutes ago.

Alex's already put the tire onto the car but he's left the lug nuts for me to finish. Perfect. At least I don't have to call him back over here to do the hard part. Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with me?

"A-Are you okay?" Danny asks, his voice quiet like he's afraid to voice the question. I push a sigh between my teeth and nod, already knowing that he won't take that as an answer. Something tells me he'll ask if I'm sure.

Surprisingly, he stays silent and I tighten the lug nuts before easing the car from the hydraulic lift. It takes a second before the lift gives and the car starts to ease back down toward the pavement. As soon as it touches down, I gesture toward the front where the registers are. "I'll ring you up." I don't have to. I could easily pass him off and let Stephen or Eric ring him up. But I've already done my share of passing work off to other people today.

Danny follows behind me and I punch in a few keys on the register, telling it what Danny's trip today was for. One single tire. Which still doesn't make sense to me but whatever, it's fixed now. That's all that really matters.

"Your total comes out to an even four hundred with the cost of tire and labor," I say, leaning forward to indicate the machine on the counter. "If you're paying with debit, swipe your card here. Or fill out a check and I'll wait."

Danny reaches into his back pocket for his wallet and pulls out his card, sliding it into the machine. As he puts his card away, the register spits the receipt out toward me and I fold it, passing it off to Danny. I'm about to tell him 'thanks for your business and also for not looking at me like I'm fucking crazy when I had to take a break cause things were a little too difficult for me' but he talks first.

"Can I get your number?" he asks, surprising me by holding my stare when I look up at him. His cheeks turn a little pink and I wonder if it's from the heat. Alex keeps meaning to get the air conditioner looked at but there's never any time.

"Uhh…" I scratch at the back of my head, wondering why the hell he's asking me for my number. He told me to text him when I was gonna be back at the shop but I told him that in person so I really have no need to message him at all anymore. Is this his roundabout way of asking to be friends? Sorry Fenton. My life is way too fucked up to drag another innocent person into.

"Because… if I'm going to tutor you in algebra, I'll probably need to text you and let you know when I'm available. That way we don't have to plan everything in advance," Danny says, his gaze dropping from my face. He shrugs a little before meeting my eyes again, pushing his hair out of his face. "Just a thought though. You don't have to."

Actually, it doesn't sound bad. Not having to track him down every time I'm about to have a meltdown due to the sadistic subject of math sounds nice. I hold my hand out toward him. "Gimme your phone." Danny hesitates a second before passing the device over to me. I tap the contacts and enter my information. It's strange to type my own name so I erase it and put 'mechanic' instead. Might make him laugh later. I click the screen off and pass it over to him again. He takes it with a small smile.

"O-Okay, I'll send you a text or something later. We'll figure out a day we can meet for the first tutoring," he says, nodding once before he starts for his car.

I lean my forearms on the counter and watch Danny back out of the shop. His car engine is practically silent as he zips out of the parking lot and I spend more time than necessary watching the road he disappeared down.

* * *

 

**From: Paulina**

_**Don't worry about how late you can come by. I can sneak you out in the morning <3** _

The heart throws me for a second but I climb into my car, backing out of the parking lot without a second look toward the shop. After Danny left, I changed the oil on a Ford F-150 before I asked Alex if I could cut out early. He asked if I was okay at least twice more but he let me go. He'll probably text me again tonight, wanting to know the same thing. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't care about me. It'd make things easier.

I ease my Mitsubishi to a stop at the red light and pick up my phone from the passenger seat. I stare down at the heart, wondering what changed her mind. What made Paulina decide that she wanted to keep doing this? Us. Whatever the hell we are now. What got into her head since Saturday?

**To: Paulina**

_**On my way now** _

I'd ask her if she wants me to bring anything but I know she has condoms in the top drawer of her dresser underneath the red Victoria's Secret underwear I got for her last Christmas. She only wears them on special occasions. Would she wear them tonight if I asked her to?

The drive out to her house is quiet because I don't bother to turn the radio on. I don't know when her parents are supposed to be home but the driveway only has her Volkswagen Bug when I pull up. I kill my engine and open my car door. I probably could have brought some flowers by but it's just been sex between the two of us for so long, it feels awkward to bring anything for her.

I knock on the glass of her screen door and look around at her neighborhood. It feels like the party was last night and I should be waking up in her bed still. If I could rewind time, maybe I could have said something or done something to change everything. If Paulina hadn't kicked me out when I first got up, what time would I have gotten home? Would dad still have been around to kick the shit out of me?

Her door opens and I force myself to stop thinking about dad. About everything Paulina said to me the last time I was in her bed. None of that matters right now. Not when she's leaning against the doorframe, crossing her sexy legs at the ankles as she looks at me. Her eyes are half-lidded and she's biting her bottom lip.

"Hey you," she breathes and everything else leaves my mind. My body reacts to her voice and I move toward her. My hands are on her hips and then our mouths are together. Her lips move against mine and I think one of us pushes the door closed. I don't know. All I know is the feeling of stairs underneath my feet as I carry her up them, leaving kisses on her collarbones.

This is what I need. She helps me forget. Every time we're tangled together with our hearts pounding so fucking loud that I can't hear anything else, I forget. Everything fades away and it's just her body on mine, moving to a pace only we know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo hoo, more interaction between the boys! Unfortunately, Dash has yet to realize just how much he wants Fenton but I assure you, it will happen. No one can resist the adorable cutie. Also can you believe it, Dash finally got a hug!
> 
> It's been a while since I mentioned a song but the title of this chapter comes from the song 'Perfect' by Simple Plan. That song really reminds me of the relationship Dash has with his father. It's all about trying to please someone that'll never accept your best. It hits close to home for me but for Dash as well. If you haven't heard it, give it a listen!
> 
> There is a playlist for this story, available on 8tracks (.com) but I'm not sure how to link it to you guys. As if right now, if you go onto 8tracks and search for 'Stay', it's the first one to come up. Let me know what you think about the playlist, yeah? I'm always up for talking about music.
> 
> Thank you to everyone commenting and especially those of you saying that the portrayal of abuse in this story is realistic. When I first started thinking up this story years ago, I knew I wanted to have "down time" between each explosion from Dash's father, having some semblance of a cycle in between each abusive scene. I try to keep most of my writing as close to realism as I can get and I'm really happy that you all appreciate that. It means a lot to me to read your thoughts and feelings in the comments, thank you for doing so. Please tell me what you liked about this chapter and I hope you continue to enjoy!


	13. While We Lie To Ourselves

Paulina orders pizza after we've exhausted each other and I lay beside her, running my fingers through her hair. It cascades down her back and falls into place again every time. It doesn't stop me from repeating the action and Paulina smiles at me as she speaks into the phone.

"Yes, that's right, a large," she says. Her sheer robe is slipping down her shoulders and I lean up on my elbows to kiss the bare skin it's provided. She pushes me back with a flushed face, gesturing toward the phone. "Right and a two-liter."

I flop back onto her pillows with an exaggerated sigh, going back to playing with her hair. It only takes her another thirty seconds to finish up the phone call and then she turns her attention back to me with a smile. "Pizza should be here in fifteen minutes."

Paulina holds my stare for a few seconds before she leans down to kiss me. Her hands move toward me but she stops just short of touching me. When I pull away to look at her, trying to figure out what's with her hesitation, she smiles at me, her gaze never leaving mine. Something's wrong.

"What's up?"

She shakes her head, running her fingers through my hair. Normally her fingernails on my scalp would distract me from anything but the hesitation is still on her face. I push her hands away from my head, holding her wrists gently in my hands. "What's wrong?"

Paulina lets out a pent up breath and looks down to my ribs. Oh. Kinda forgot it was still bruised. I glance at my stomach and see the purple-blue bruises dotting along my ribcage and even some left on my abdomen. "It barely hurts now," I tell her, my voice soft. We rarely talk about my dad and when we do, it's usually like this. Quiet. Hesitant. Like we're both afraid we'll scare the other.

"I'm sorry," she whispers. I want to tell her that it's okay if she touches them but something tells me she doesn't want to. That her hesitance isn't because she's afraid she'll hurt me. It's because she's not interested in this situation at all.

I shrug, rolling over onto my back. I stare up at the same ceiling I did most of the summer, intermittent with the ceilings of the summer house, and let out a breath. I don't know when things got so complicated between us but I wish they'd go back to the way they were. When it was just sex between us and feelings were optional. Now I feel like she expects me to say something back.

"It's fine," I tell her, keeping my stare on the ceiling. She puts a hand on the side of my face and kisses my lips softly. Her movements are still hesitant and mine even more so but at least we're still here. As fucked up as things get between us, we always somehow find each other again. As rocky as the seas get, our splintered boats find each other again.

* * *

 

I pull on my boxers and jeans when the doorbell rings and leave with the cash to pay for the pizza. Paulina disappears into the kitchen to get drinks and I head for the door, my stomach growling loudly in the silence. I can practically smell the pizza already.

Keith Montgomery, my teammate,is standing on the other side of the door and he does a double take when he sees it's me. When his eyes drop down to my chest I remember the bruises. And wonder why the fuck I didn't put a shirt on.

"Hey man," I say, leaning on the door frame, casually crossing my arms to cover up most of the bruising. I nod toward the pizza. "Didn't take you too long to get here."

Keith tears his gaze away from the bruises and flicks it up to mine. "Y-Yeah," he mumbles softly, handing over the two liter. I take it from him and Paulina appears suddenly, kissing the side of my cheek before she steals the two liter away. Keith watches her go and I turn to see her. She pulled a pair of shorts on underneath the sheer robe but her top is just her bra. Which I find sexy as hell.

I look back toward Keith with a grin. "Don't be checking my girl out, man." He splutters almost instantly and I laugh, waving him off. "I'm just playing." I hold out the cash toward him and he gratefully takes it, his face practically on fire as he hands over the pizza.

"H-Hope you enjoy," he says softly, his eyes immediately darting away when I look at him. "Th-The pizza I mean. Hope you enjoy it." Keith hesitates a second longer before he's sprinting down the driveway. He disappears into his car and I can just make out the look on his face as he speeds away without putting his seatbelt on first.

I push the door closed behind me and carry the pizza into the dining room, depositing it on the table. Paulina's pouring the soda into wine glasses and she pauses before adding a bit of alcohol to the drink. I make her squeal out of surprise when I'm suddenly there, sliding my arms around her waist.

She giggles and I swing her around, planting a kiss to her cheek. Paulina leans back against my chest with an exhale, her fingers dancing up my arm. I miss this. We used to spend our days like this. Pizza and a bottle of wine was as good a date as some fancy ass restaurant. She never cared about that shit before, it was just about being happy. But it hasn't been about that in a long time.

Since she came back from wherever the hell she was the summer before our junior year, she's been into appearances and making sure the right people see us at the right places. I hate putting up with that kind of shit but sometimes, it's worth it for the few minutes that are just ours.

"Come on, let's eat, I'm starving," she says, pushing away from me. She leans up and kisses my cheek before grabbing her glass. She takes a long sip of the alcohol and I watch the way her throat moves as she swallows. The slight pink that appears when she realizes I'm staring at her. Her eyebrows draw down and her mouth frowns. God, I could trace the curve of her lips forever.

Paulina pushes me back by my chest. "What are you staring at?" she asks with a small laugh. I can see the question still in her eyes and I wonder if she'd push me away if I told her what I was thinking. If I told her that I've missed just being here with her. I wonder how she'd react if I told her that I think about kissing her more often than I actually do kiss her. If I told her what it meant to me in sophomore year when I asked her not to leave me and she said she wouldn't. She broke my heart when she did and I haven't let myself need her or anyone else like that since.

"Nothing."

* * *

 

Dad's car is in the driveway when I get home but it's just past midnight so I do my best to be quiet. The stairs squeak when I walk on them but dad doesn't stir at the sounds. I slip into my room and push the door closed behind me. Tomorrow's Friday, officially one week until our first game of the season. It's the last thought on my mind before I drift off to sleep.

I'm a little disoriented when I wake up and I realize someone's knocking at my door. It takes me a minute to realize it's probably dad. I tell him to come in and my voice sounds like I swallowed gravel in my sleep. Must be the alcohol from last night.

Dad eases the door open and gives me a smile. "Hey, how you feeling?" He leans against the door frame, like it's a casual conversation to have with your kid. And I guess in a way it is. We've gotten along more in these past few days than we did throughout the entirety of my high school life.

I flop back down onto my pillows and stare up at the ceiling, giving dad a shrug. "Tired," I tell him, one of the most honest things I've said to him. It's weird though, insomnia decided not to fuck with me last night and I was out like a light as soon as I hit the bed.

"I heard you get in kind of late last night," dad continues and I can feel his eyes on me. Is he trying to figure out where I was or what I was doing while I was away from here? Shit, I'll tell him. If he wants to know more about my life, I'll tell him what I can.

"I was with Paulina," I say, looking toward him just in time to watch the corners of his mouth lift upward. I nod once before focusing my stare on the ceiling again. "Yeah, her dad wanted you to call him sometime. Said he misses getting together with you."

Dad takes a step into my room and it's weird. I feel the tension as soon as he tries to close the distance between us. I'm glad he can't see my hands because they ball into fists almost immediately. I can't help it.

"I keep meaning to give him a call and invite him out for a drink but work's been busy lately," he says with a shake of his head. "You heard Payne is moving, right? With Bradford out for the next few months while he recuperates, that puts me out of two officers."

I nod even though I only know about Shawn Bradford because of the papers and Andrea Payne because dad's partner, Chuck Dower, told me so. Dad hasn't talked to me about work in months and I don't know why he's decided to tell me now.

"I should have Andrea around before she leaves town, invite her over to play some cards. You remember when I used to do that?" he asks and I nod again. Dad would invite some of the officers around for cards over the weekends. Mom would play the doting wife and make recipes Kwan's mom wrote up for her while I played the hard-working quarterback son.

Everyone loved to ask me about football or even my job at Alex's but if the conversation turned to college or my future, I'd shut it the fuck down. I hated having to tell them every time that no I wasn't planning on going to college and yes I understood that it'd make it harder to get a job outside of Alex's. Yes, I knew that meant I'd probably never leave this town and yes, I knew I could probably go pro with football if I wanted to.

"You should," I tell dad, making a mental note to stay at Kwan's the night he has her over. Because with dad, it's never just one person over. It's half a dozen and more cases of beer than they can drink in a single sitting. It's waking up in the morning with my dad still at the kitchen table, passed out on a deck of playing cards, vomit streaked down his front.

I always have to herd him into the shower and provide the medication when he realizes just how hungover he is. Then he lays down in his bed, claiming it'll only be a few minutes but he doesn't resurface for at least twenty-four hours. Still, I'd rather play the role of nurse than punching bag.

Dad hums softly and takes another step inside. It makes my hands clench tighter but I don't stop him. How can I? I should just get the fuck up and go take a shower. I'm probably already running late for school. If I pull another tardy in Ms. Anderson's class, she'll probably have my head.

"You should join us. I could teach you how to play poker."

The offer throws me for a minute and my brain scrambles for a reason why dad would teach me. What does he gain out of me knowing how to play cards with him? Is it a way to humiliate me when I suck at the game? A way to prove how much he's better at it? Jesus Christ, he probably just wants to play cards with his kid.

"Yeah, that sounds like fun," I tell him, rolling onto my side. I prop my head up in my hands, my elbow crushing my pillow in this position. I feel like any second now, my hands will start shaking and he'll see and Saturday will happen all over again. But I don't shake and he keeps smiling.

My phone startles me when it vibrates against my floor and I grab it up. The screen flashes Danny's name across it and I lift my gaze to dad. "Guess that's our cue to get going," I tell him.

Dad nods, leaving my room with a soft, "I'll see you after school." I wait until I hear him reach the bottom of the stairs before I open the text message. I doubt Danny's texted me with anything I don't want my dad to see but there's always the chance that he'd have problems with it. Kwan brought a guy over to my place once and dad picked up on it. I don't think I've gone a month since without hearing some kind of homophobic slur from my dad.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Um… Dash?** _

Yeah…? Why would he be texting me if he didn't want to be reaching me? Who else does he think it is? He gave me his phone, he should remember. Oh wait… that's right. I forgot I put my name as something vague. Though, to be fair, mechanic is fucking hilarious in the right context.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**What's up?** _

I resituate my pillows into a more comfortable position and glance around my room again. It's been so long since I've been able to just lay in my bed in the mornings without dad barging up here and telling me to get going.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Do you have any spares today? I have two so if you can, we should try to meet up in the tutoring center today. If not, we can probably meet at my place next weekend.** _

I stare down at the screen for a second, wondering why he didn't just talk to me at school. I don't give a fuck if he comes up to me and asks about- Oh. He'd probably get shit from my friends. Whatever, I don't care. If all he can do is meet up at school, that's fine by me.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Sure, I have a free period after lunch before the dreaded algebra. Think you can prepare me for the class in an hour?** _

My phone drops onto the mattress again and I roll over toward my door. I should probably get up and get moving but ugh. My bed's so warm and it'd probably be easier if I just skipped. I could go back to sleep and pretty much forget everything. Alex isn't expecting me in today. I could just sleep for a little while longer.

Another text comes through and I groan, forcing myself up from the mattress. Maybe I'll stop by the garage after school. Make up for my shitty behavior yesterday. God, was that really just yesterday?

Dad's pretty loud downstairs and I think he's trying to make sure I stay awake. I gather up my phone and clothes and head into the bathroom, taking a quick shower. The water is cold but only because I'm too lazy to turn the dial anymore. It sticks sometimes so I have to really jam it to get it to turn and I'm way too tired to deal with that this morning.

I'm toweling off my hair when there's a knock at the bathroom door. I stare at the knob for a second before turning back to the mirror. "Come in, I'm decent." I drop the towel into the laundry basket and run my fingers through my hair, trying to get my hair to just stay down. Jesus, why the fuck does it look like a rooster right now?

Dad opens the door and smiles when he sees me already showered and dressed. "I made you some coffee. Left it in your travel mug on the table," he says, lifting his own mug to his mouth. His swallow is loud in the silence and I clear my throat, tearing my gaze away from my reflection.

"Thanks." I don't really know what to do with this side of dad. I never got to see it before and I wonder if this is still making up for what happened or if this him trying to make an effort. It probably won't last but my stupid desperate heart wants to believe that maybe it might.

I gesture toward my bedroom and he steps out of the way, following me into my room as I gather my shoes and backpack. I sink down onto my mattress and roll my phone over, tapping on Danny's message as I untie one shoe.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Okay, see you after lunch** _

I debate on typing anything back but in the end, I just click the screen off and start pulling my shoes on. I can feel the silence between us and I'm trying to figure out what to say when dad breaks the quiet first. That's another thing that's different. He doesn't usually notice the awkward tension between us. He never did with mom.

"So you and Paulina, huh?" dad asks and it takes me a second to remember that I never told him when we started dating. He was spared hearing the dramatic tale of our fucked up relationship.

I shrug, tying my shoe before looking up to dad. "We're not really dating," I tell him even though last night confused me. Last night was how we used to be. Tangled in each other's arms and staring in each other's eyes like we could find the secrets to the universe in them.

"You're not?" dad asks and he sounds surprised. Like we couldn't be anything other than together. I guess he picked up on at least something different about me in sophomore year. Mom actually talked to me about it but dad never asked. Until now.

"Not exactly," I say, picking my words carefully as I rise from my bed. My backpack groans as I sling it onto my shoulder and I trudge toward the door, stepping past dad. He follows after me and we're down the stairs before I speak again. "To put it frankly, at the moment, we're just fucking."

Dad's eyebrows rise on his forehead and I realize it's been a long time since he's been able to hear me swear. I always choose my words carefully around him. Letting that slip from my mouth wasn't the plan at the beginning of the sentence but it's out now and I can't take it back.

"Well… alright then," he says softly, seemingly unsure of what to do now.

I shrug, turning on my heel to head into the kitchen. He hesitates a moment more at the bottom of the stairs before he's following me again. "Honestly, it's working right now so I don't care." It's a lie but whatever. I can fool myself into thinking that I don't care about her that much. She's just a body when we're together, nothing more. But I remember when that wasn't all she was. I remember when she was soft lips whispering words of comfort and hands that dried my tears. There was a time when she was gentle words and delicately placed kisses. I remember when she was kind and things weren't so complicated and god, we were so much more than just fuck buddies.

The travel mug is just within my reach and I snatch it up from the table, gulping down a few scalding mouthfuls to drown out the taste of Paulina's kisses before dad speaks again.

"If you're happy… then I'm happy for you," he says softly and I think my heart stops. I can't remember the last time dad wanted to know if I was happy. I still don't know if this is making up for lost time or the fact that he crushed my ribs last weekend but fuck, I like it. I don't mind coming home to him waiting up or hear him ask where I was the night before. He's starting to feel like a parent again and I could get used to this.

"I am, dad," I say, my voice threatening to break and betray me. But it's not Paulina that I'm talking about this time. "I'm really happy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh poor Dash hoping for some kind of affection from his dad. Deep down he probably knows that it won't last but he's still hoping that it does. Poor child, he doesn't get anything from me. It's no fun if it's easy for him.
> 
> So things are starting to be set into motion here, Danny's coming into play more often from now on and his role becomes pretty vital to Dash fairly early on, so stick around for that. As for Paulina... eh, you'll have to read to see how that plays out. I imagine some of you will be both proud and disappointed in Dash multiple times when it comes to the two of them.
> 
> For those of you that don't know me through the blog, you can find me on tumblr as textsfromghosts. It's a Danny Phantom themed blog where characters text each other. It's kind of cool...? I don't know man, check it out if you want to. Just thought I'd give you all another place to contact me if you wanted to.
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from the song 'Keep Lying To Me' by Real Friends. It's off their new album 'The Home Inside My Head' and I can't say enough good things about that album. You know when you hear music and you can look back months or even years later and remember how you felt when you first heard it? That's how I feel about this album. I already know that when I look back years from now, I'll remember what I was thinking and feeling my first listen through of this album. Real Friends is a great band regardless but this album really hit close to home for me. If you haven't heard of them, you should check them out, they're amazing. And if you have heard of them or you listen to them because I mentioned them, let me know. I'm always up for talking about music so feel free to message me.
> 
> Thanks for reading this chapter and I hope to hear your thoughts either in a comment or a message. Thanks a ton, your thoughts and comments make my day!


	14. My Tutor Doubles As My Shrink

I think I sleep through the first half of the day because I don't remember who I talk to or what anyone says to me. I really should have stayed home and gotten a few more hours of sleep. It's not like any of this is important.

For kids that are going to college or something, they should be paying attention. But I'm just counting the days until I can graduate and move out. There's no greater plan for my life after this, it's just moving from one place to another. So this shit is pretty useless to me.

By the time lunch rolls around, the coffee's out of my system and I'm practically falling asleep. My teammates are talking to me but they're not making any sense. The cafeteria is buzzing with activity and normally, crowds get me energized but I just want to sleep.

"You with us man?" Blake asks, slapping my shoulder with a laugh. His voice is too loud and I think I wince at the sound. He only responds by laughing louder. "You hungover, dude?"

I shove his hand off me and slide my tray further down the line. "Shut up," I tell him but he only laughs harder. He and Jeff are always teasing and loud and god, why the fuck can't I handle it right now? "Come on, cut it out."

Jeff follows behind me as I get my food and Blake falls out of line, moving back toward the table we claimed as ours in freshman year. It's hard to believe that ninety percent of the football team this year are the same players that I was starting out with in freshman year. Most of them played back up for the senior year but I started as quarterback.

I grab a soda in the hopes of waking myself up and head toward our table, Jeff following behind me. It's pretty full with most of my teammates and a few of the cheerleaders sitting with us today. Normally they come over only if Paulina's sitting with us. Guess she didn't call a practice during lunch hour.

"Hey Dash," Roxanne Chambers says when I sit down, smiling brightly at me. We hooked up at a party a long time ago but I always thought she understood that was a one-time thing. I don't plan on finding another fuck buddy for a while.

I pop the tab of my soda. "Hey, Roxane," I respond, chugging a few sips of the cola before setting it back on my tray. Kwan looks up from his food and smiles when he sees me so I nod, immediately dropping my gaze back to my tray.

This food barely looks edible but I'll take what I can get at this point. I need to have something to keep my energy up. Especially considering algebra is my next class after my free period. Aw, fuck. I'm studying with Danny during that.

I groan softly but I guess it's audible because several pairs of eyes turn toward me. I look up and meet Kwan's stare first. He looks concerned but he knows as well as I do that if it was anything major, we can't talk about it in front of our teammates.

"I forgot algebra's my next class," I say and my teammates give me looks of sympathy. For some reason, our team has always been almost completely divided on math. I'm on the half that really sucks at it and Kwan's on the half that's good at it. He used to tutor me but I haven't wanted him around my place since dad figured out he's not straight.

"Sucks man," Jeff comments around a mouthful of what the school calls meat loaf. Looks more like horse meat or some shit.

I'm about to respond with how I'll be studying before it but a silence descends over our table and I already know why. Before I've even turned and noticed Paulina, flanked by Star Di Marco and Francine Lawson, I know the cheerleaders have fallen silent out of respect for their queen.

"Hey," Paulina says softly, her eyes tracing my chest and I wonder if she's thinking of the bruises that are mostly faded now. Her gaze lingers longer on my lips before it's back to my eyes and I raise an eyebrow. This isn't how this is supposed to go down.

"Hey," I respond. When a player is dating a cheerleader, they get up when she comes to the table. They slide over so she can sit next to them or they tell one of their teammates to move over to make room for their girl. But Paulina and I are just fucking. If she wants to change something about our situation, this is a shitty way to let me know.

The silence is still stretched over the table and it's more of a tense, awkward silence than a respectful one now. I should probably do something to change it but fuck, Paulina's giving me so many mixed signals lately, it's making my head spin.

Paulina scoffs lightly and leans forward to bat at my arm, keeping her bubbly smile in place as she does so. "Daash! Aren't you even going to offer me a place to sit?"

God, I don't need this. I can't be a boyfriend again, I can't. I fucking suck at it and we're just supposed to be sex. That's all we were since junior year and even though we tried again this summer, it's obvious to the both of us that we're better off just seeing each other when we're horny.

I push away from the table before I've even really thought my actions through and I pull my backpack onto my shoulder, leaving my tray abandoned. "You can have my spot, I was done anyway."

Her eyebrows draw down ever so slightly and her smile loses some of its glow. Like maybe she expected me to slide over or maybe she just wanted to know that I care about her for more than her body. Fuck, I do but it's too hard to navigate these waters with her. Our boats might both be splintered but hers is at least heading toward the shore. Mine's ramming into sharp rocks with no signs of stopping.

"See you guys later," I tell the rest of the table before I'm heading away, trying to stop thinking. I should turn around and head back toward her. I should say I'm sorry and I'm just not thinking. Tell my teammates that I didn't get a lot of sleep last night so I'm off my game. But I don't. I just keep walking and then I'm out of the cafeteria.

The halls are empty, with most students either in the cafeteria or in classrooms, which leaves me plenty of room to head toward the exit doors. I could take off and eat an actual lunch or even just skip the rest of the day but I can't. Not because school's important to me but because… fuck I don't know why. It's expected of me not to run away from every little thing. My teachers expect me to get good grades so I can move on to a college, my friends expect me to want something more than a job at the garage and Alex wants more for me, too. He doesn't want me to be stuck in this town my whole life. I wish I could do all of that shit but damn, I'm so good at disappointing people.

* * *

 

I wander outside the school for at least a good ten minutes before I take refuge in the shade underneath the old tree near the exit doors. I can watch the parking lot from here but also pay attention to anyone that leaves the school. I spent a lot of time here in the spring. I'd fake needing to go see the nurse and my teachers would let me out no problem. This tree and I bonded together during that time. When I tried to center my gravity again with mom gone.

My phone vibrates and I let out a breath before shifting to dig my phone out. It's probably Danny wondering where I am. I don't really want to study algebra anymore, I just want to lay here and pretend it's the spring again. At least then, there wasn't this constant pressure to figure out what I'm doing with my life after this. What's wrong with never leaving this town? Is it really that bad?

**From: Kwan**

_**Are you okay?** _

Leave it to my best friend to make sure I'm okay after I go storming out of the cafeteria like some kind of child that didn't get their way. I don't know why he and Alex are always making excuses for the way I act. There's always some reason why I'm not a complete fuck up in their eyes and it's hard to take after a while. Why can't they just acknowledge my shitty behavior as what it is and stop trying to tell me that I'm okay? If I were okay, mom would still be here. If I wasn't a fuck up, she wouldn't have left me behind after I begged her not to.

Shit. I can't go there right now. I can't get to Alex's for at least another couple of hours so I'll just end up stewing in these feelings. I'll start thinking about mom and the last words she ever said to me and my chest will ache and squeeze and I'll start feeling pathetic again. I can't do pathetic anymore.

**To: Kwan**

_**Yeah, I'm fine. It's just shit with Paulina** _

It's not completely true but at least it's not an outright lie. It is Paulina. But it's also me. And my dad. My mom. Alex. Kwan. People's expectations of me. The fact that I can't want more because I can't have more. It's not in the cards for me. I don't deserve more.

I let the text send before dropping my phone onto the grass in front of me with an exaggerated sigh. My knees are drawn close to my chest and this is the first time I've been able to sit in this positon in almost a week. God, my ribs are still so fucking sore.

A shadow falls over me and I look up at Danny, his head perfectly blocking out the sun. He looks nervous, like maybe he left me waiting out here or something but the only reason I'm out here is to get away from everyone else. Danny's not part of that crowd so his presence won't be overwhelming.

"H-Hey, were you waiting for me?" he asks, his gaze sweeping the parking lot.

I shrug and pick my phone up from the grass as Kwan sends another text through. "Not really. I was just sitting here feeling sorry for myself." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them and now Fenton gets a front row seat to how pathetic I sound most days.

He doesn't say anything at first so I force myself to stand up, grabbing my backpack by the strap that's hanging on a little better than the other one is. "Sorry, that was a little melodramatic," I say, not giving him the chance to tell me it wasn't. "So, where are we doing this?" I didn't really notice the humidity outside until just now when the sun's beating down on me but it's already flushed Danny's face. "Hopefully inside, it's hot as balls out here."

"U-Uh, i-in the library?" he asks, his voice almost squeaking as he talks. He turns back toward the school like it'll give him the answer before looking at me again. "If you're o-okay with that."

I have no problem with the library so I just nod and gesture for him to lead the way. He keeps lagging for a split second after every step until we're walking side by side and I guess he's not that great at leading. He keeps giving me side glances and I can't come up with a single thing to say to fill the silence. It shouldn't feel awkward but it is. What do I say? _"Thanks for showing me the most amazing hot dog I've ever had and thanks for tutoring me in a subject I really blow at. You really have your work cut out for you. Oh and sorry for my friends and my teammates, they can be real dicks sometimes."_

Danny lets out a soft breath when we reach the library and pulls open the door before I have a chance to. He holds it for me and I wait for him to follow me inside before we head for a table near the back of the library.

Some of the librarians look our way but nobody comes to ask us for our passes. Our school population is so tiny, maybe they know which ones of us have free periods and which ones of us are bullshitting. I doubt it, but it'd be cool if they did. Wouldn't have to drag my schedule out every time a teacher saw me out of class.

Danny picks out a table and sits down on one side, gesturing to the chair across from him as he digs algebra books out of his backpack. He drops a spiral bound notebook in front of me as I sink down into the chair and a groan leaves me. Danny looks up at the noise but gives me a small, hesitant smile. "Don't worry, I'll go easy on you."

I doubt it's Danny I'm gonna have a problem with. Algebra's the one that's gonna be a bitch. I sit back in my seat, slouching down a little as I do. "Y'think this is gonna take more than one session? Cause I'd really love it if this shit didn't take me three hours every time."

He flicks his gaze toward mine before opening to a new page in his notebook. "It takes you three hours to do your homework?"

"We're not all AP," I respond, probably with more bite to my words than I intended to. I can't help it that I'm a moron when it comes to math. I'm good at English and I can bullshit my way through most of biology but damn. Algebra really likes to fuck with me.

Danny pushes his backpack into the chair next to him before he opens up the algebra textbook. He runs a finger down the page, a look of concentration on his face. I don't know why it feels like I've seen that look before but I start talking before I think.

"Hey, how come you're always alone?" I ask softly, waiting until he looks up at me before I continue. "I don't think… I don't think I've seen you hanging around anyone for a while. I thought you used to hang around some guy." I'm pretty sure he had a really fugly beret but I figure it's not the best time to start insulting the friends of the guy who's trying to tutor me.

He shrugs, leaning back in the chair with a soft exhale. "Y-Yeah, I did. He's um… He's not really around anymore. A-Anyway, let's focus on this."

Danny pushes the notebook closer to me and as I sit forward to read the page, I catch sight of his hand trembling at the movement. I try to listen to what he says as he points a pencil toward individual parts of the problem but I can't. His fingers are shaking and I don't know why. Is he afraid to be here with me in case my friends come in? Does it have something to do with the friend of his I brought up? What's bugging him so bad?

I lean back in my chair, waiting until Danny raises his eyes to mine. His face is flushed again and I wonder if mine does the same whenever I'm shaking. "Something bothering you?"

He slowly shakes his head but his gaze drops to his trembling fingers. Danny slowly draws his hands away from the notebook and they disappear beneath the table. "S-Sorry," he whispers and I don't think it's because we're in a library. I wish I knew how to help him. I don't even know how to help myself when I'm like this.

The silence stretches over the two of us and I wish I could break it. I don't want awkward tension to be between us. That's there between me and everyone else, I was kind of hoping it wouldn't be here with Danny too.

"I-It's been worse before," he mumbles softly and I look up at his face instead of at the table. If it were me freaking the fuck out, I wouldn't want anyone to stare at me but I have no idea if he's okay or not. "I ha-haven't had it bad in a while. It's just… acting up lately."

I lean forward a little, placing my steady hands on the table. I don't know if seeing me calm will help him but it sure helped me when we were in the nurse's office together. Seeing him not freaking out and talking calmly made me feel a little more at ease. Especially cause he wasn't staring.

"What's been worse before?" I ask, trying to keep my voice soft. I don't want to say the wrong thing or speak too loudly and scare him. That'd be kind of taking a step backwards.

Danny looks up at me, a small crease between his brows. He looks like he doesn't understand why I'm asking and for a second, I realize he probably thinks that I know whatever the fuck causes my hands to shake. It used to just be dad's yelling voice but then it happened on my first football game of freshmen year. And again when my uncle and I were in a car accident the following summer. The night mom left, the tremors shook my bed so badly, I couldn't sleep.

"Um… m-my anxiety?" he says it softly, like he's afraid I'll run at the word. To be honest, it sounds familiar but I don't remember where I've heard the term before.

I don't know if I'm supposed to nod and pretend that I know what he's talking about but it seems stupid so I don't. "I don't really know what that is," I tell him and his eyebrows rise a little higher. Is he that surprised that I have no idea what this is? I don't know what the name means and I have no idea if it means that we both tremble because of the same things or if he's got something wrong with him and I'm just a fuck up who's scared of any kind of tension.

"W-Well, it's a… a…" he trails off, his gaze darting around the library and I try to tell him that he doesn't have to explain. But he shakes his head and digs his phone from his pocket. His face is red as his shaky fingers type something on his screen and I wait for him to finish.

It takes him about a minute before he's done typing and he sets his phone on the table. Danny's gaze stays on the screen for a few more seconds and then he's pushing the phone toward me. I catch another glance at his face before I look at the phone. An internet search is pulled up and Danny's scrolled a little past the first link so I can read the snippet just below it.

_"Anxiety disorders are a category of mental disorders characterized by feelings of anxiety and fear, where anxiety is a worry about future events and fear is a reaction to current events. These feelings may cause physical symptoms, such as a racing heart and shakiness."_

Holy fuck.

Is this… is this why I feel like my chest's going to explode every time I see the anger on dad's face? Does this explain the way my hands will tremble when I fuck something up and I know everyone can see it? Do I…. Do I have this shit?

"Y-Yeah, it's not… I mean, it's not awful," Danny mumbles, taking his phone back after the silence stretches on between us. I want to leave. I need to get out of here and think. I don't want this. What the fuck does it mean if I do have it? Does the knowledge change anything?

"How long have you had this?" I ask, finally able to look up at Danny again. His bottom lip disappears between his teeth and he looks away for a minute, his gaze focused elsewhere. I hope he's not letting the quiet stretch on because he's planning on avoiding the question. Fuck, I don't know who else to ask. I didn't even know this shaking had a name. I always thought I was just being dramatic.

"Almost four years." Danny's voice is quiet when he speaks and I try to remember when I first noticed this in me. Middle school maybe? The summer before? I spent so much time trying to forget everything when dad would fly off the handle that distinguishing between events is difficult. Probably some kind of brain damage too, wouldn't surprise me.

Danny turns back toward me and his gaze doesn't lift any higher than my collarbones. "S-Sorry, I really thought you knew about this. Y-You seemed like you did in the nurse's office the other day."

If I had known, would it have made a difference? Would mom have been able to calm me down after dad bruised the both of us? Shit, I don't want to play what if. There are no winners in that game.

I scratch the back of my head and now it's my turn to keep my eyes away from Danny. I don't want to admit this. Not even Kwan knows this shit. "I-I've never really looked it up before," I start slowly and I feel Danny's eyes on me again. "I was… kind of afraid there would be no results and it was just me being dramatic."

Danny exhales softly and I want to go. I want to just tell him to forget that he offered to tutor me and that I accepted. I'll just fuck up in algebra for the rest of my life, I don't care that much. I want to say everything that I'm thinking but my tongue won't cooperate and I can't let go of the death grip I have on my hair.

"You're not being dramatic," Danny says softly and I need to tell him how wrong he is. I'm more dramatic than he realizes. I bet he only trembles at the serious shit, not the kind of stuff I do. Like when a car passes by and I think about what would happen if the driver loses control and crashes into the back of my house. Or when a football is tossed my way and I momentarily panic, thinking of what coach would say if I didn't catch it.

Danny's hand slides along the table until he's touching mine and his fingers curl softly around my palm. I let him hold my hand even though it makes me feel pathetic. God, why the fuck can't he just tell me I'm being dramatic? I don't want whatever the fuck this is. I just want it to go away. I don't need some website to tell me that what I'm feeling is normal, I need it to say I'm pathetic and weak and I shouldn't let it fuck with my head.

"It's okay, Dash," Danny says softly and goddammit, how is it okay? How am I okay? Is this normal? It sure as fuck doesn't feel normal. I don't want to have an excuse to blame this on because it's always been me. I never needed a reason before because it was common knowledge that I'm pathetic. Weak. Fucked up beyond repair. I saw it every time mom would try to comfort me on the nights he bruised us and I just couldn't stop. I saw it in Paulina's eyes the first time we ever fucked and I couldn't stop my fingers from shaking. I thought I was just nervous. Maybe I was. Is that normal? Fuck, is there anything normal about me?

"Dash, it's okay. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. We really don't," Danny says and his voice is so calming. I flick my gaze down to our hands and I notice his aren't shaking anymore. Mine have picked up where his left off and I hate this. Danny squeezes my hand and I look up at him, finally dropping my other hand back to the table. He gives me a half smile. "Come on, let's just focus on algebra right now."

Danny doesn't let go of my hand as he explains the problem and slowly, the shakiness leaves me too but the feeling in my gut doesn't. God, who knew there was a sub level to feeling as pathetic as I already did?

* * *

 

I don't know who Danny sold his soul to but he actually makes algebra easy. Even though I don't understand any of it or how x equals whatever the fuck it does, I get the right answer. His method is way more straight forward than our teacher's and I almost want to hug Danny for doing this for me.

"Holy shit, Danny," is the first thing out of my mouth when he starts gathering his books up. He looks up at me, giving me a soft smile before he's back to dropping his stuff into his backpack. "You made that so easy."

He pushes his hair out of his eyes and nods, standing up from the table. "Well, being in AP, things come a little easier to you," he tells me and we fall in step beside each other as we leave the library. There's still a few minutes before the bell so it's silent as we walk, the only noise being our footsteps on the tile.

Danny turns toward me, his teeth sinking in to his bottom lip for a second before he speaks. "So… you still want my help next weekend? Or did I rid you of all your algebra problems in a single hour?" he asks, a slight quirk upward to one side of his mouth.

I laugh and the sound feels foreign across my own tongue. "Dude, this class is bound to fuck me over forever," I tell him, fixing my backpack strap before I look toward him again. I don't have anything to offer in exchange but no one does nice things just cause. "So, why are you doing this for me?"

Danny looks at me and there's surprise in his expression. Like he didn't expect me to ask him what he wants or even bring it up. "Because you need help," he says like it's the most obvious reason. Well duh. Otherwise tutoring me would be pointless.

I roll my eyes. "I know that. But what do you get out of it?" I ask and he doesn't have an answer for me. "You gotta have something you want in exchange."

He looks away from me, biting on his lip again and I decide to be nice. "You can take a couple days to come up with something," I say, offering him an easy way out of coming up with something right now. No one likes being put on the spot.

Danny glances back to me with a grateful smile and I give one back to him. He opens his mouth to say something, maybe give me an answer, but the bell rings, cutting him off. I see his eyes go wide and the doors around us swing open. The expression on his face is almost painful to look at and when I glance in front of us, I see why.

Paulina, flanked again by Star and being tailed by Jeff and Keith, is strutting her way down the hall. She's busy looking at her phone, a frown on her face and I flick my gaze back toward Danny. He looks terrified. Like this is the last place he wants to be. I can't really blame him.

The noise of the crowd grabs my attention and I look toward Paulina again. It takes her another few seconds before she sees me and a smile breaks out across her face as she puts her phone away. She reaches me in less than thirty seconds and she puts a hand on my chest when she does.

"There you are," she practically sings as her fingers dance their way down my abdomen. "I was just about to text you. Where were you?"

"I had a free period," I tell her and look toward Danny. He's… gone? I didn't even see him move, he just disappeared. I half-turn away from Paulina, scanning the crowd for that familiar mop of black hair but I don't see him at all. Huh, weird.

"Who are you looking for?" Paulina asks and I turn to face her again. She raises an eyebrow expectantly and I shrug, not bothering to turn around again. I doubt I'll see him, he's probably a master at blending in now.

"No one."

If he doesn't want my friends to see him, I won't mention him in front of them. There's something about Danny that makes me want to protect him from my friends. They're not awful people but they can be careless. I don't want their carelessness to hurt him. And I don't normally think about people like that. Jeez, what's wrong with me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! Thanks for reading this update. I've been working on this story officially six months tomorrow. It's weird to think about it cause it feels like just yesterday that I wrote the opening paragraph. I still remember exactly how that day went though, which is weird. It's not like it's that much of a defining moment for me but I guess it is? To be fair, this is the first story I've posted while writing it in like 4 years or something. I've kind of gotten into a groove of writing stories completely and posting after they're finished, y'know? Like there's this one for another fandom that I've been working on for 2 years now. I keep putting it down and every so often my friend renews my interest in, ha... Doesn't help that it's the first in a 5 fic series. But, it'll get finished one day, right?
> 
> So this chapter is all about the development between Dash and Danny. As you can tell, Danny's shy around him and Dash is pretty sure it's cause of who his friends are. Which could be true, could also not be. Dash'll figure out the answer soon enough. Also, did you like that sneaky mention about Tucker? ;)
> 
> As some of you have guessed, there will be a reveal of Danny's powers but it's a little ways off. It's not like Danny to immediately trust someone with the biggest secret of his life so it'll take some time before Dash realizes what makes Fenton so different. But it will happen and I hope that a lot of you like the way it's told!
> 
> I can't remember if I mentioned this before or not but July has a writing event - Camp NaNoWriMo. NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month where you try to write a set number of words in a single month, usually 50k. The actual NaNo month is in November but in the spring and summer, there are two months where it's "camp nano", which is cool. July is a Camp month and I'm on the last week of it and my god you guys, the pressure is on. The nice thing about camp is unlike in November, you can pick your word count goal. I always go with 30k for camp cause it's been my thing since I started doing this. But yeah, I have a week left to go and a little over 10k words left to write. I can do this, right? I hope I can *distant sobbing*
> 
> But anyway! Thanks for reading this chapter, I really appreciate it! Let me know what you think in the comments? You guys are the best!


	15. Your So-Called Love

Paulina sticks to me like glue for the rest of the day, always meeting me at the door of the classes she's not in. I'm almost excited when Lancer's class ends early because it means Paulina won't have time to get to me before I'm out the door.

Danny's the first one out of the classroom and I'm second, practically jogging so I can leave before Paulina catches up to me. I don't know what the fuck her deal is but I don't want to put up with it right now. I can't handle anyone else's bullshit.

I push open the door and Danny's at the bottom of the stairs. He turns back at the noise and offers a smile, tilting his head to one side. "Good luck at practice today. A-And at the game next week."

His voice is soft when he speaks but there's no sign of shakiness in either one of us. I want to ask him so much about whatever the fuck this anxiety thing is but the questions crowd each other in my brain. "You're coming to the game, right?" I ask, jogging down the stairs. He falls in step next to me and easily deviates from his path toward his car so he can walk with me. It's not like the field is that far away from the parking lot anyway.

"Maybe," Danny responds, his gaze lingering on his car before he's looking toward me again. "I don't know… I might be busy on Friday."

I don't know if he's ever been to a game before but I kind of want him to see me play. I blow at algebra and I fucked up at the garage when he was there. I want him to see me not mess up at something I'm actually good at. "You should come."

Danny raises an eyebrow and I have to wonder if the color on his cheeks is entirely from the heat. I can tell my neck is flushed too and I flick my gaze away from his. What am I doing? He probably has way better things to do on a Friday than watch me play a stupid game.

"If you're asking me to come, then I will," Danny says softly and my chest aches at the earnest look on his face. Oh fuck, Fenton, you're gonna be the death of me.

My hand comes up to rub the back of my heated neck as my mind scrambles on what to say. How do I tell him that I'm asking him to? Can I really just say that? God, isn't that such a lame response? I can't come up with anything better and the silence is turning awkward.

"Well… I'm asking then." I look back at him, fully expecting a roll of the eyes or for him to say he was kidding but Danny surprises me.

"Okay. Then I'll come to the game on Friday." He smiles then, a big goofy grin stretched across his face and it's the kind of smile I wouldn't give anyone if you paid me. But his damn smile is energetic and infectious. I find myself easily giving him one back and I roll my eyes. God, we're just a pair of grinning idiots at this point.

"Alright, man. I'll see you then," I tell him, gesturing toward the field. "I should really get to practice so, I'll see you tomorrow or something."

Danny nods, still smiling widely, and starts for his car. "Okay, see ya."

Jeff and Blake are heading toward me and they're casting curious glances toward Danny. I don't know if they saw us talking but from the questioning looks they're both giving me, I'm guessing they did. Keith looks toward Danny once when he sees our teammates staring but his attention is quickly on his phone again.

His eyebrows are drawn down and I don't know if it's because of whatever's on his phone or because of what my teammates are saying. They're too far away for me to catch their voices but I don't slow down. Something tells me I don't want to know what they're saying.

The field is mostly empty when I get there, save for coach and a few of my teammates. They look up when I near and give me exaggerated waves, catching the attention of Kwan. He has his back to me but when he turns around, he gives me a sympathetic look. God, I hate that look. If this is about what happened at lunch, he can save his pity. I don't deserve it for something as stupid as that.

"Hey man," I call out when he starts toward me and within a few seconds, he's at my side, matching my pace back toward our teammates.

"Are you okay to practice, Dash?" Kwan asks and the genuine concern in his expression is making me feel sick. If he's asking about my calf, it hasn't hurt in months. My ribs, days. My fucked up reasons for storming out of the cafeteria… ugh. I don't want to go there.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Just like when dad asked, 'fine' is interchangeable with 'fucked up'. I feel like Kwan knows on some level that there's a difference between when I'm actually fine and when I'm just saying it. Hell, he probably recognizes the difference more than I do.

Kwan pats me on the shoulder as we reach our teammates and then we're all exchanging fist bumps or clapping each other on the back. For most of these guys, this'll just be one year of many in their careers at this game. But for me, this is my last year. God, I'm gonna miss most of these guys.

When Keith reaches the field, he taps me on the shoulder and tells me someone's here for me, before pointing up toward the bleachers. It takes me a few seconds to recognize the curly black hair pulled back into a loose ponytail but as soon as I do, she's turned toward the field again.

Valerie's face lights up and she quickly leaves her spot, abandoning her backpack and several notebooks as she bounds down toward me. Several of my teammates turn to look as I move away from them, keeping my gaze on her.

"Dash, hey!" she says as she bounds toward me, squeezing me in a hug when she reaches me. It's not like the one she gave me at the garage when she was probably still picturing my hysterical sobs before she left at the beginning of summer. This one is more excited and I can practically feel her vibrating as she sways us from side to side.

"Glad to see you too, Val. It's also nice to breathe, just saying," I mumble, sucking in a lungful of air when she lets me go. She rolls her eyes at my dramatics and swats me with the back of her hand.

Valerie's practically bouncing and she moves from foot to foot for a second. "Okay, so. I kinda have some exciting news." She glances around the field before taking a small step closer to me and I guess this is something she doesn't want anyone else to hear. "Guess who made it as the top intern and is now going to be trained to work there?"

She leans back, the grin stretched so far across her face, it's gotta be painful at some point. I can't help it when a grin of my own spreads across my face.

"Holy fuck, Val." I pull her into a hug this time and squeeze her just as hard as she did me, looping an arm around her neck and running my knuckles along the top of her head. "I knew you could do it, I'm so proud of you."

She laughs loudly and pushes away from me, swatting at me again. "Stop it, you big jerk." She runs her hands down her hair to flatten out what I messed up and grins up at me. "I'm ridiculously excited, Dash, you have no idea."

I think I have some idea because she's still bouncing and I'm so fucking happy for her. If anyone deserves a good thing, it's Valerie. We should celebrate this somehow. I open my mouth to suggest it but she beats me to it.

"Anyway though, I don't know yet if someone's gonna switch shifts with me tomorrow so I have no clue if I'm gonna be able to make it to the game next week," Valerie says with a slight pout. "But, I want to see you play so I thought I'd come watch you practice in case I can't make it. You'll just have to text me how it goes if I get stuck working."

When mom quit going to my games, Valerie was the only familiar face in the crowd for me. Sometimes Alex could come by but he couldn't stay through the whole game and I'd never ask him to. Whenever Valerie's not working, she's there in the crowd. It's nice knowing she's up there.

"It's fine if you can't make it," I tell her, trying to convince myself of the same. Besides, dad'll be here to watch me this time. I debate on mentioning that to Valerie and decide to play it off pretty casually. "And my dad's gonna be there anyway so if you can't, it's cool."

Valerie's eyebrows raise and I wish I could take back the statement. She knows some of this shit now. It's just as bad as mentioning it to Kwan or Alex. They've both seen dad's handiwork and while Val never realized the bruises I was sporting were from dear old dad, she's still probably not comfortable with the idea of my dad being nice. Gotta admit, it's pretty insane to think about.

"He's coming?" she asks, looking like she wants to hug me again. Fuck, I shouldn't have brought him up. I'm such an idiot, why the fuck can't I read a situation better than this? It should be easy for me to recognize when the moment's right for something and when it's not.

I shrug, gesturing toward the locker room. "Yeah, probably. I should get changed."

Valerie catches my arm before I'm able to walk away and her expression is concerned. Like she's afraid of what's going to happen if my dad's there. She glances at my teammates all heading toward the locker rooms before focusing on me. "Are you… okay with that?"

"I invited him." It's out of my mouth before I can stop it and I realize that I don't want to take it back. I want her to know that I'm the reason he's coming. Because I took action and invited him. I don't want her thinking that he's suddenly decided to start showing up again. He's not really that type of guy anyway. Gently, I tug my arm from Valerie's hand and gesture toward the locker rooms again. "Seriously, I gotta get changed or coach'll have my ass. I'll see you after."

* * *

 

Practice is harder than I remember it being and maybe it's because I haven't gotten back into the swing of things but damn, was I always this out of breath after running? I don't bother looking up toward the bleachers more than a few times during practice. I know Valerie can see me panting and sweating my ass off. Good thing I didn't ask Danny to watch me today.

Coach says we're meeting again tomorrow to get ready for our first game and then we're set free, most of the guys lazily trudging toward the locker rooms. I climb the first few rows of bleachers before Valerie looks up and gives me a smile.

"Practice is over, if you want to go home," I tell her with a jerk of my thumb toward the locker rooms. "I need to take a shower before I go but I'll text you when I get home."

Valerie glances down where I gesture and looks back at me with a shrug, her eyes easily returning back to her notebook. I can't imagine a school subject is that interesting but it has her attention easily. "I'll wait for you."

What the hell?

I climb the rest of the way to where she is, stopping on the bleacher in front of her and sinking down with my back to the field. "Why?" I look down at whatever's covering her notebook but it's just a bunch of math and science stuff that makes my head swim.

She makes a small note in the margin of the page before glancing up at me again. "My dad's working late tonight. I was hoping that I could hang out with you today… if you're not busy working."

I should probably work a shift at the garage to make up for the way I was acting yesterday, remind Alex that I'm good for more than just being a whiny bitch, but I don't actually want to. Valerie and I haven't hung out since the spring and even then, we couldn't do much because of my stupid leg.

"Nah, I'm not working," I tell her before I even have my phone out of my backpack. Alex won't have a problem letting me off today if I'm on the schedule. He'll probably die of shock cause I'm asking for the day off.

**To: Alex**

_**If I'm on the schedule for today, can I have it off?** _

It's pretty shitty of me to text him right before a shift starts if I'm the one that's supposed to be there but he probably expects this. Why let him know up front that I want a day off when I can just be a dick and let him know the day of instead?

I try to push back where my mind is going because it's not a great place and I don't want to end up being pathetic with Valerie again. "So, I'll take a shower and come back and we'll decide what to do, alright? Sound good?" I ask, sliding my phone into my backpack again and hauling the thing onto my shoulder.

Valerie nods and easily returns to whatever is covering her pages. The more I look at it, the more it looks like stuff for her internship. I wonder how much of it she can tell me about and how much of it's classified. There's probably not a lot she can tell me.

I leave her on the bleachers and move back toward the locker rooms. My backpack is still in front of my locker where I stashed it before practice and I nudge it out of the way to grab my towel. I shrug my clothes off and ditch them into the bottom of my locker. Most of the guys are in the showers but there's still a few open and I head toward one of them, hanging my towel on the stall door.

Kwan looks over at me and I give him a nod before plunging my head beneath the sprayer. I run some soap down my body and into my hair, letting the warm water rinse away all the suds. It only takes me a few minutes underneath the spray before I feel like I'm clean enough and I shut the water off, running the towel through my hair before I wrap it around my waist, swinging open the stall door.

The chatter is pretty loud around me but I'm able to tune most of it out, going through the motions of putting my clothes back on. I smooth the material of my black t-shirt down over my chest and yank my shorts around my waist before I realize that Kwan's talking to me.

Just as my phone vibrates on the top shelf of my locker, I turn back to Kwan. "What's up?"

He spares a glance at my phone before looking at me again. His expression is concerned and I hate that he looks at me like that. There was a time before he knew, when we were just friends that enjoyed being around each other. Now, I can't help but think he feels obligated to stick around because of the shit in my life. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to be nice to me or hang around me just cause I'm sometimes a punching bag for my dad.

"You wanna come around my place for dinner tonight?" Kwan asks, crossing his arms as I swipe my phone from my locker. I shift the device from hand to hand for a few seconds before shaking my head. I don't need him to play caretaker today.

"Nah, man. I'm hanging with Valerie tonight." I glance up at him with a somewhat forced smile to ease some of that concern still clinging to his features. "Thanks though. I'll catch you next time."

I grab my backpack from the floor and shove my clothes into the front zipper area before I pull it onto my shoulder. Kwan follows me out of the locker room and I open up the text message waiting for me.

**From: Alex**

_**You're asking for a day off?? Are you okay?** _

I can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not but I debate on responding with a picture of my middle finger. Knowing Alex, he'd think it was hilarious. I decide against it though, probably be better if I don't.

Kwan nudges me with his elbow and gestures to end of the field. The cheerleading team are marching onto the field, probably to talk to coach, but I see Paulina in the thick of them. Her gaze is scanning the crowd and it's only a matter of time before she sees me.

"Oh fuck," leaves my mouth before I can stop it and I turn around, ducking under the bleachers. Kwan follows me without question and I silently send him my thanks as I glance toward him. He nods, understanding on some level what I'm doing.

This is stupid. Hiding out from Paulina is pretty fucking childish. It really shouldn't be that big of a deal anymore but god, I don't know how to act around her right now. Is she trying to tell me she wants us to try dating again? Or does she just want us to pretend we are in front of our friends?

"Trouble in paradise, I take it?" Kwan asks and I glance toward him with a shrug. Does that term still apply if what Paulina and I had was never paradise? I don't know. It was good in sophomore year and junior year was okay. This past summer was fucking amazing… or maybe just amazing fucking.

Paulina's finally stopped searching the field and her gaze is fixed on coach. Their voices are low and I'm barely paying them any attention. As long as she's not looking my way for as long as it takes me to nab Valerie, I'm good

I tap Kwan on the shoulder with the back of my hand and gesture behind the bleachers. "Come on." It's stupid to hide out as I go but I don't want to run into her right now. I just want to forget about her for a little while and pretend that what happened at lunch never happened.

Kwan follows behind me and we have to duck under the last row to get out and then I start toward Valerie. I glance back toward Kwan when I reach the end of the bleachers. "We should hang out this weekend, man. Text me and we'll figure something out."

He smiles and nods, giving me a small wave before he's heading toward the parking lot. I watch his retreating head on his path toward his Toyota truck and after a few seconds, I turn toward Valerie again. She's obviously seen me now cause she's packing her books away. So I just stay put and eventually she rises from the bleacher and starts toward me.

"So, what do you want to do?" I ask when she's close enough and follow her off the bleachers. She slides her other arm through her backpack strap and gives a shrug, pushing her bangs out of her face with one hand.

"Don't know. You wanna just order Chinese and play video games like we used to?" she asks, glancing at me with a smile. 'Like we used to' is an expression of ours. It usually means 'before everything got fucked up' and I guess it still works right now. We did used to do that all the time before everything went to shit. Before I told her what my dad was capable of. Before my mom left. Before hers did too. Before was better and I wish we could go back to it.

"Sure. Like we used to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo guys. How was your week?
> 
> I decided to update a week early to celebrate the fact that I actually finished Camp NaNoWriMo! I don't think I really made it clear in last week's chapter but I was writing on Stay for camp. So, this month, I added 30k more words on this story and also discovered that this is the fic that's gonna destroy me. Just... Dash is a precious child, okay?
> 
> So here we get to see Valerie and tbh, I've really missed her. She's so much fun to write on and I love her interactions with Dash. I'm 110% supportive of their friendship. Even though it was basically nonexistent in canon, I've always had a strong headcanon that Val and Dash are bffs. After Kwan, of course.
> 
> I meant to say in last week's chapter, about the whole anxiety thing - I actually have generalized anxiety disorder. So if it comes across as though they both have general characteristics/symptoms of anxiety, it's cause I'm just drawing from own experience. I didn't really decide to give Dash anxiety, it just sort of naturally happened that way and a few beta readers said that it fit with his character in Stay so I went with it. I don't know if I ever consciously decided to give Danny anxiety either, it was just from the first introduction of him waaaay back in the first chapter, I just knew he had anxiety. Kinda gives the two of them something to bond over though, huh? ;p
> 
> The title of this chapter is another lyric and it comes from the song 'Poison' by Front Porch Step. Which tbh, I really feel like is a Paulina/Dash song given how fucked up their relationship is in this. You guys should give it a listen if you want to, I really like it for them. Especially considering the song reflects how Dash feels about it all at this point. Not to give anything away but his opinion toward her and their relationship in general goes through quite a few changes.
> 
> Gotta be honest with you guys, since I've been working on Dash throughout July and put 30k words down on him, it's weird to re-read these chapters in order to post them. Like... he's in an entirely different headspace now. I can't wait for you guys to watch the shift happen.
> 
> One final thing, for those of you that know me from the blog textsfromghosts on tumblr, you've probably seen the fact that I put the blog on hiatus but I'm not really gonna get into it on here. If you want to check out the post, feel free. But if any of you are interested in following my personal blog for shits or to see whenever I talk about Stay, I'm the-little-insomniac.
> 
> Anyway, that's all for this week. I appreciate all your thoughts and speculations in the comments, they really mean a lot to me.


	16. Things Change But I'm Still Fucked Up

As soon as we're inside my house, Valerie makes a swan dive onto my couch. She shimmies onto her back, kicking her shoes off before she rolls over to look at me with a grin. "So, what are we playing?"

When she used to come over all the time, I had a bunch of games to choose from, though most of them are in my room now. I moved them up there the day dad destroyed a bunch of them after my grades came back for that semester. Sophomore year, about a month before mom left.

"My games are upstairs," I say, already moving toward the staircase. "I'll call down and tell you what I have." I'm on the fourth stair when I hear Valerie move from the couch and start after me. My room's a little… different since the last time she was here and I consider telling her that. But she'll see soon enough.

I twist the door open and hear her step hitch as I move through my room. I drop my backpack onto the floor and turn toward my bookshelf. "So, you feeling more like a shooter game or something a little tamer?" I ask, sparing a glance in her direction. She's staring around my room like she can't decide whether to believe this is the same place or not.

Valerie turns in a half-circle as she surveys my bare walls, free of the obnoxious posters I had hanging up throughout my sophomore year. After mom left, I lost the ability to care about stupid shit like that. The only one I really cared about was one that mom gave me. It was a mini-poster of NSYNC I kept partially hidden by my headboard but after she left, I knew dad wouldn't let that stay up for too long. So, it went too. After all, boys don't listen to that kind of music.

"It's a little different, I know," I say into the silence and Valerie glances over her shoulder at me. She nods once before going back to surveying my room. Her arms are crossed and her hands are tightening into fists. I don't know what's going through her head but I'm dying to know and also hoping she never says a word.

I pull my games off the shelf they're on and drop them onto my bed. "You should come pick one so we can get started. Unless you're too afraid of me kicking your ass."

Valerie moves toward my bed and while her eyes skim over the discs, I don't think she's really seeing them. "Are these it?" she asks softly, reaching out to touch the beat up case that houses Halo. The only one I managed to salvage after dad's rampage. "I thought you had more than this…"

"Yeah, I did," I respond, scratching at the back of my head. I can't explain about why I sold some for car parts or why dad destroyed some. That's not what today's supposed to be about. "But y'know, I didn't play with half of them anymore so whatever."

She looks up at me and I'm forced to meet her gaze after a few awkward seconds of silence. I don't like the look in her eyes and she suddenly steps closer to me, grasping my hand like it's a fucking life line or something.

"Dash are you… you're not… I mean, you're okay, right?" Her voice is barely above a whisper when she asks and I can't stand the shake in her voice. What the fuck did I do to worry her and how can I make it right again?

"I'm fine," I say, watching her eyebrows draw down and mine quickly follow. "Val, what the fuck are you talking about? You're starting to scare me."

Valerie glances back at the pile of games on my bed before focusing on me with a look that's so filled with worry, it makes my stomach lurch. "It's just… people give away things when they're not… when they're unhappy, Dash," she says softly, meeting my gaze after a few seconds. "You're not… planning on doing anything to yourself, are you?"

Oh my fucking god.

My hand comes up to pinch the bridge of my nose as I try to wrap my head around how she got there. How she came to the conclusion that I'm thinking of killing myself because of a few missing video games. Jesus Christ, she should write movies.

"No, Valerie. I'm not," I say, meeting her gaze when I lift my head. A scoff leaves me and I gesture toward my bed. "You came up with that because I'm missing some video games?"

Valerie takes a step away from me and looks at the pile again. "Not just because of that." She reaches out and takes a few cases, flipping through them absentmindedly. I can tell she's not really paying attention to whatever she's picked up because she's watching me from the corner of her eye.

"What else makes you think that?" I ask, folding my arms over my chest when she looks back at me. She drops the game onto my bed instantly, moving back toward me. Her hands are gentle on my chest and she moves them up to my neck, pulling my head down to hers. Our foreheads meet and she breathes out slowly.

"I heard you missed the first week of practice and you didn't actually make it to try out day," she whispers, her voice trembling as she speaks. Guilt ties a knot in my gut and I let out a low, shaky breath. "And you apparently broke up with Paulina? And Kwan said you still haven't fixed the brakes in your car and I just thought… god, Dash, I shouldn't have left you this summer."

My chest aches the longer she talks and I breathe out, placing my hands on her cheeks. "Stop. I'm okay," I whisper back, leaning up just long enough to brush my lips against her forehead before I'm resting against hers again. "I'm glad you went this summer. If you hadn't… you wouldn't have this job opportunity."

She's quiet and I know she feels guilty. It's not her fault. I would be fucked up with or without her here. It doesn't matter either way. Kwan is always telling me he's sorry for what my dad's done. For the way my mom left me here alone. It's not his fault either. It's mine. I can't stand that my two best friends carry any sort of guilt or pain for what's happened to me. If I wasn't such a fuck up, mom and dad would still be together and dad wouldn't get so angry all the time. I blow at math but I understand common denominators. It's me, it has to be.

* * *

 

It takes some coaxing but Valerie eventually believes that I'm okay and she picks a game. Neither one of us are really interested in anything too plot heavy or anything we have to pay attention to so we go with a classic. Donkey Kong.

Kwan gifted me with the latest version for Christmas and I haven't been able to convince myself to play it. Which only makes Valerie shoot me a suspicious glance as we head down the stairs together. I quickly tear the plastic off, hoping it eases some of the tension in her expression.

"Man, I've been wanting to play this game. Glad I finally have someone that can help me kick ass," I say over my shoulder as I load it into the disc player. She settles on the floor against the front of the couch and I give her my best attempt at a smile.

She returns the smile easily and glances down at her phone while I grab two controllers next to the console. "I don't remember when I changed out the batteries so it may die on you," I warn her before passing the controller her way.

I can still feel some of the awkward tension from upstairs when she takes the remote from my hands, her fingers just barely ghosting over the back of mine. I want to tell her that I'm okay and I'll still be okay next week and next month and next year because I am. I'm okay. Or at least, I'm good at bullshitting it when I'm not.

After I drop my remote onto the couch, I take a second to push the coffee table further out so we can fit behind it comfortably, before returning to her side, snatching up my remote. "My house so I'm Donkey Kong," I say, jabbing her in the side with my elbow. She laughs and sets her phone on the floor in between us.

"Okay, fine," she says, quickly choosing Diddy. I roll my eyes as soon as she selects him, letting out a small scoff. She glances toward me with another laugh, jabbing me with her elbow this time. "What? I love him!"

"You only love him because I don't," I respond, smiling when she laughs. God, she's one of the only people that I love hearing laugh. There's something about listening to someone else laugh that's almost hypnotic. Hers is musical and even though I want to keep playing at feeling grumpy, I can't keep in a small laugh of my own. "Whatever, let's just play."

When seven rolls around, Valerie makes me pause the game to order Chinese food. She says she'd do it but she's conveniently lost her phone. I'm pretty sure it's a cheap gimmick to avoid being the one to pay. I wander into the kitchen to give the order and I can hear her moving around in the living room. Probably "searching" for her phone.

The guy taking my order has me give my address twice because he doesn't hear the first time and I'm rattling it off for the second time as I move back into the living room. Valerie's pulled the couch out and is staring down at something in her hand when I get finished.

I don't even hear the guy tell me when the food'll be here because I realize what the fuck Valerie's holding. I hit end on the call before I've even finished saying, "See you then" and let out a shaky breath.

The quiet stretches over the both of us and Valerie looks up from the letter, meeting my gaze in an instant. Her stare is hesitant at first, confused, but one look at me and she knows why it's under the couch. Who else would I avoid a letter from? I'm gonna puke. My gut's twisting around itself as I watch her expression shift back to the concern she always wears around me.

"Dash…" she trails off, her gaze dropping to the letter again. I can't do this. I can't fucking handle this today. This wasn't supposed to end like this. Goddammit, we were supposed to kick each other's asses at the game and eat so much Chinese food we made ourselves sick.

Valerie meets my gaze and there's so much concern in her expression, it's suffocating. No, I don't want to do this. The shit I deal with shouldn't be able to stain so many areas of my life. God, why can't it just stay away for a little while?

"Why haven't you opened this?" Valerie asks and I snap. Before I've even thought it through, I've moved across the floor and snatched the letter from her hand. I know it startles her because she takes a small step back.

"Cause I don't want to," I respond. My hands are shaking again and fuck I don't want to do this. I can't freak out in front of her again. I hate this. Whatever the fuck this is has me wrapped around its finger and I can't breathe right. My chest is aching. "I shouldn't have to deal with her shit just because she decided now's the time she wants to talk to me."

Valerie's eyebrows draw down and she slowly shakes her head. I know what she's thinking cause my mind's already gone there a thousand times since this stupid fucking letter showed up. "But… Dash, maybe she's sorry. M-maybe she wants to have another chance."

"I don't fucking care," I spit and Valerie shrinks back against the wall. This setting is too familiar. I remember when it was my mom backed up against a wall and my dad screaming profanities at her. Fuck. I'm already turning out like him.

I can't retreat fast enough and Valerie won't let me move too far away. She quickly leaves her spot by the couch and follows after me, grabbing a fistful of my shirt. "You don't have to like what she says or the things she does but she's still your mom, Dash." Valerie's teeth sink into her bottom lip and I wish she wasn't so goddamn concerned about me. I don't need her to worry over me. "If I had another chance to talk to my mom… I-I'd take it."

Fuck. That's not fair.

My breath leaves me and I push her hands off my shirt, putting as much distance between us as I can. Which is about three steps. "You know that's not fair." My voice is small when I say it and I wish it was stronger. I want her to know that I'm strong enough to handle anything my mom throws at me. But I can't. I really fucking can't and I'm not sure I need Valerie to think I can. I think I need her to tell me that it's okay that I'm this fucking selfish.

"I-I can't Valerie," I mumble and I don't want to be this pathetic again. The last time we were around each other for longer than it takes to fix her car, she had to put up with my tears. I can't make her go through it again. God, I just need to retreat to my room until I can pull myself the fuck together.

Valerie closes the distance between us and pulls my head down to hers again. "It's okay," she whispers and it's not. It's really fucking not. I should be able to just read this stupid letter and not let my emotions control me my whole goddamn life. "I'm sorry. You don't have to open it."

Of course I do. I won't always have the option of acting like a fucking child when things are too hard for me. My hands are shaking as I pull away from her but I manage to keep distance between us this time.

"I can't," I repeat and keep my gaze trained on the ground. I don't want to see the disappointed look in her eyes when she has to face the fact that I'm terrified of opening this. I'm terrified of what she could possibly say to me. Is she coming home? Moving further away? Just writing to tell me she misses me? God, I miss her. I don't want to but I do. I miss waking up on the mornings she'd made pancakes 'just because'. I miss being able to talk to her about the shit going on in my life. I miss seeing her face at football games and hearing her praise me for the grades I managed to salvage instead of hearing dad yell for the ones I couldn't raise no matter how hard I tried.

"I'm sorry, I was out of line," Valerie says, her hand covering my shaky one still clutched around the damn envelope. "I'm sorry, Dash. O-Our situations are different, I know that."

I give her a nod but that's about all I can do. I'm not in the headspace to deal with this right now. She's silent as I move away from her, pushing the couch back where it was. I line up the edge with the line of dust from the last time dad and I vacuumed, probably sometime before the summer, and drop the envelope behind the couch again. I can't deal with this right now.

"Food'll be here in about ten minutes now," I tell her, moving back to my spot in front of the couch. I plop down, intent on ignoring her if she brings up the letter, and nudge her controller toward her spot. "Come on, we can kick this boss's ass if we keep at it."

Valerie moves back toward me and sits down but the tension is still there. It's enough to keep my hands from stilling entirely and that makes my chest ache. God, why the fuck can't I just be normal? Or act like an adult and read the damn letter? No wonder mom left. With a kid like me, who wouldn't?

* * *

 

When the food arrives, Val and I abandon the game entirely and actually move to the kitchen table. She's the one to suggest it and I wonder if it has anything to do with the elephant in the living room. I don't ask though, I just follow her into the kitchen and we set up at the table, not bothering with plates.

We start the meal in silence and I'm staring down at the container in my hands when suddenly she snags it from me. She gives a grin and sticks her tongue out before scooping up a forkful of shrimp fried rice, making a big show of enjoying it.

"I was eating that," I say, reaching forward to snatch it back but she holds it out of my reach, laughing at my attempts to get it.

Valerie pushes my hands away from the container. "Snooze, you lose, Dashie," she says, grinning when I glare at her. She only calls me that when she's teasing or trying to tick me off. I think it's a combination of both tonight.

I lunge forward and catch her off guard, snagging the container from her. "Snooze, you lose," I repeat, giving her a smirk as I shove a forkful in my mouth. She rolls her eyes and leans back in her seat, choosing the container of chicken instead.

"Whatever. You suck," she says between bites and I'm able to kind of forget about earlier. This is more like how we used to be. When our lives weren't so fucking complicated and we had to walk on eggshells even around each other because we'd forgotten how to exist any other way.

The food's amazing, like it always is, but her company makes this more fun. I could easily order this shit whenever I want to but it's better with other people. It's more fun to see how many egg rolls we can each put away.

"Alright, so fortune cookie time," Valerie says, moving the napkins and chopsticks out of the way to get to the two she made me ask for. She's a sucker for these stupid things, claiming that she doesn't believe in whatever that tiny strip of paper says but I know she does. There's a shoebox in the bottom of her closet with dozens of these fortunes.

Valerie holds one out toward me and I take it, the plastic crinkling loudly in the silence. We each tear into ours and I let her open her cookie first. I don't care that much about fortunes, I usually let her go first when we do this.

A grin spreads across her face and she flicks her gaze up to mine. "Laugh loud, long, and often," she quotes, smoothing out the paper on the table. Her fingers linger on the fortune for a few seconds before she looks toward me, folding her hands in her lap. "Your turn." I make a dramatic gesture of cracking the cookie in half and Valerie rolls her eyes, poking me in the stomach with her finger. "Come on, just open it."

I slide the paper out and discard the cookie onto the table, smoothing out the paper a couple times before I read it. "Beauty surrounds you because you create it." Bullshit. If it's created by me, it's not beautiful. It's ten percent fucked up and ninety percent 'I tried'.

Valerie makes a soft noise at the fortune and I place it on the table next to hers. "You can keep it, I know you collect these." I roll my eyes when she looks like she's gonna attempt to argue. "Please, I already know you do."

She gives me a sheepish glance before running her fingers over my fortune. She's been collecting them since she was a kid and she's never really offered an explanation why. I could always ask but I figure if she wants to talk about it, she will.

I lean back in my chair, pushing a few of the containers away from the edge of the table. It helps keep my hands busy and it serves as a good excuse to not look at Valerie when I ask. "So… when do you start training?"

She looks toward me when I speak but I don't look up. It's not that I'd judge her for whatever the fuck her job is. She's just hesitant about talking about this cause it's the only passion she's ever had. When we were twelve and I used to spend the night at her place, we would talk late into the night and she could almost make me believe that ghosts were real. I'd never tell her that I don't believe in what she's doing but I just can't get behind the idea that anything beyond this life exists.

"I start training in October," she says, leaning back into her chair. I steal a glance at her before my attention is back on the containers.

"You excited?" I ask, running my index finger along the corner of the box. I don't care what she does with her life. Hell, she could be a stripper for all I care. As long as she's happy. She deserves to be.

Valerie nods, tucking a strand behind her ear. When I look her way again, a hesitant smile is fighting to spread across her face. "I am, Dash. I'm really excited." She looks toward me before I have a chance to look away and I let out a breath. "I'm looking forward to this so much."

I've never thought about my future and fought back a smile at the idea of it. My future's not bleak by any stretch of the imagination but it's my present. Past. I've already achieved as much as I can for someone like me. And since I'm never getting out of this town, I've already seen my whole world.

"I'm glad this makes you happy," I tell her, finally able to tear my gaze away. I start gathering up the leftover food and she quickly follows suit, leaving her chair immediately. We each make a trip to the fridge before it's all away and then neither one of us are sure what to do.

Thankfully, my phone vibrates against the table just as I'm about to attempt to come up with something to say which means I'm saved. I cross over to it and swipe the device from the table. Alex's texted me again and I realize I never responded to his earlier message.

**From: Alex**

_**Dash, are you okay?** _

I can only imagine what's going through his mind at this point considering I've been silent for the past several hours. My breath leaves me as I run a hand through my hair, using my other one to type my message out.

"Something wrong?" Val asks just as I press send and I look up to her, pocketing the device as I shake my head.

**To: Alex**

_**Sorry, I'm fine. Just wanted a day with Valerie** _

"I was just texting Alex." I roll my shoulders before gesturing toward the living room. "Did you want to finish playing or have you had your fill of getting your ass kicked by that stupid boss?"

Valerie smiles, rolling her eyes. She opens her mouth to tell me what she wants but stops the second I freeze. Dad's keys are in the door and I'm fucking terrified that he's coming home drunk again. Kwan's the only one of my friends that's ever had a front row seat to what my dad's capable of and I'm in no rush to change that.

"Fuck," I whisper, glancing toward the living room. My hands are trembling and I shove them into my pockets to conceal it a little better. I spare a glance at Valerie before starting for the front door. If he's drunk, it's better to keep it contained in here. He can take a swing at me all he wants but he can't touch Valerie.

The door opens and I try to act like I'm not scared out of my fucking mind that he's drunk. Dad's head appears around the door and he sweeps his gaze around the living room. When his eyes land on me, I unconsciously breathe a small sigh of relief. His eyes are clear.

"Hey, kiddo, whatcha doing?" dad asks and I glance toward the kitchen where I left Valerie. Dad's eyes follow my line of sight and I let out a breath, looking toward him again.

"N-Not much." I mentally curse myself for the way my voice shakes but I manage to hold his gaze somehow. "Valerie came by, we just finished eating." I jerk my thumb toward the kitchen. "There's some Chinese food left for you if you want it."

Dad gives me a nod, smiling widely as he kicks his shoes off. "Sure, that sounds good."

I don't wait for him, I just head back into the kitchen. We weren't that quiet and I'm hoping Valerie heard us but at least I can give her a warning beforehand. I move quietly back into the kitchen and she gives me a smile when I round the corner.

"My dad's home," I say softly, making sure he can't hear me.

Valerie pockets her phone and gives a shrug. "If you don't want to be alone yet, I won't leave," she whispers and I can't believe she can be that fucking selfless. If I were in her position right now, I'd just get the fuck out and not look back. But of course she's selfless. Not everyone can be me.

"I'm fine," I respond, taking a step back to keep the distance between us. I don't need her to hug me again and try to break down my walls. She's done enough of that today. "Seriously, I'll text you tomorrow."

Valerie hesitates a second before nodding and we both leave the kitchen, crossing through the living room. Dad's door is closed and I guess he's changing out of his uniform. All the better to slip out undetected. I don't need him to tell Val she can stay the night if she wants to.

The night has a slight chill to it like the weather can't make up its mind anymore and it's decided to skip straight to winter. I tuck my hands into my pockets and follow Valerie down the driveway, waiting while she opens her door. A few tense seconds pass in silence and she turns back toward me, squashing my hopes of this night ending easily.

"You know you can call me if you need me, right?" Valerie asks, glancing behind me at my house, like she can tell what goes on behind closed doors just from a glance. She can't. No one can.

I nod, dropping my gaze to our feet. She's toeing the ground again and I don't think she knows that I can tell that's a nervous habit. It's been a part of her for so long, I wonder if she even notices it anymore. Kind of like me and the shaking.

"Yeah, I know," I respond quietly, not wanting this moment to end. When she gets in her car and drives away, I have to go back inside. This version of dad is easier to deal with than the one that throws things and leaves bruises but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm still nervous. Constantly afraid I'm gonna fuck something up and he'll go back to the angry person he always is around me.

Valerie reaches out and places her hand on the side of my face, her eyebrows drawing down slowly when I look up at her. "Dash, I'm sorry about earlier," she whispers and I close my eyes. I can't see that expression on her face again. Like she's afraid that if she leaves, I'll break apart into a thousand tiny fragments of whoever the hell I used to be.

"You don't have to be," I tell her, trying to sound casual but it comes out pathetic. Soft. Like I'm terrified to speak the words aloud. I am. I don't want to admit how ridiculous I can be. "I should have read it before now, you didn't… you didn't say anything I haven't already thought."

Val's quiet for a second before I feel her lips press against my cheek. "I'm still sorry," she whispers and I lean into the touch for as long as I can, only open my eyes when her hand drops. Her eyebrows are still drawn down and she looks guilty at the thought of leaving me. I wish she didn't. This is my hell to walk through, not hers. Just because she knows doesn't mean she has some kind of obligation to me. He's my dad, not hers.

"Go, I'll be fine," I tell her, taking a step back so she doesn't have to be the one to move. "Text me when you get home." I fold my arms over my chest and wait until she's in her car before I head back up the sidewalk. Her window rolls down and I turn back toward the sound.

She's smiling hesitantly and her head is sticking out of her open window. "We should do this again, I've missed hanging out with you, Dash."

I've missed it too. But she can't be responsible for my happiness. So I just smile and nod, waiting until she pulls out of my driveway and down my street before I turn back to face my house. The place I sleep really shouldn't be the same place my demons lie.

* * *

 

Dad and I sit in front of the television while he eats and we watch some football game. I don't know the teams; I'm not paying attention. I'm just relaxing into the silence that stretches over the two of us, blanketing the room in quiet. I don't remember the last time dad and I were able to sit in silence without there being some kind of brewing anger between us but this is nice.

After the game ends, dad moves back toward his bedroom, letting me know that he's working the early shift tomorrow but he'll be off by three. He mentions doing something together and I respond with having to work tomorrow. I don't know if Alex will let me work but he'll at least let me hang around the garage if I tell him I don't want to go home. I don't mind this side of dad. I'm just not used to it and that terrifies me.

We go our separate ways after I help him put the last of the takeout back into the fridge. I collapse on my bed after putting the games I pulled out earlier back on their shelf, kicking my backpack out of my way as I move.

My mattress is really comfortable even though I'm lying starfish across it but my mind isn't letting me sleep right now. It's running at a thousand miles and I don't think laying here is gonna help much.

I shift into a sitting position and drag my backpack toward me, digging to the bottom before I manage to find my history book. There's a chapter I was supposed to read before now but I've been way too fucking lazy to. Plus, with algebra looming over my head, I didn't really have the energy for any other subjects' bullshit.

The chapter is pretty boring and I find myself re-reading the same sentence multiple times because my mind is wandering. It keeps going back to the letter still hidden under the couch and I try to convince myself that it'd be okay to sneak downstairs and get it. Just cause I get it doesn't mean I have to read it. Besides, dad's probably asleep. Or maybe in the shower.

I let out a small breath and push my history book off my lap before I swing my legs off the side of my bed. My bare feet touch the cold hardwood and I reconsider. If dad sees me sneaking a letter upstairs, he'll ask who it's from and then demand to know why I haven't mentioned it before now. And then things will go back to shit between us and- Fuck.

My stomach clenches nervously as I think this whole stupid thing over again and I try to tell myself it'll be fine. Dad's not in the living room and if he is, I'll just fake needing to go to the bathroom. It's fine. Fuck, I wish my hands wouldn't shake.

I don't know how long I stay on the edge of my mattress but time ticks by slowly in the silence that's encased my bedroom. Which is probably why I jump about a fucking foot in the air when my phone vibrates in my pocket. Jesus Christ, I wasn't expecting that.

I scrub my hands down the sides of my jeans as I try to get a grip. Fuck, stop shaking. My breathing slowly returns to normal and I try to remind myself that it was only my phone. Just my phone. Jesus Christ, my heart's racing. My hands are still shaking as I pull my phone from my pocket and glance over the text.

**From: Valerie**

_**Home, safe and sound!** _

Valerie and I have texted each other every time we've left one another's house for as long as I can remember. I think it started after she lost her mom. Or maybe after the weekend dad destroyed my phone and I couldn't tell her I was okay. God, she was so panicked.

I let my phone drop onto my bed and slowly get to my feet, still trembling a little but I can do this now. I know I can. Dad's probably in his room but if he's in the living room, I can come up with some kind of lie. I'm good at it by now.

The house is quiet as I creak my door open and I quietly move down the stairs, hoping dad doesn't hear me. I can't tell if the shower is running or not but his door is closed so I should be okay to just step off the stairs and make it across the living room and back without being detected.

Fuck. I can't make my legs move. Nerves are eating away at me and even though I want to run back upstairs and forget this whole thing, I force myself to move, quickly making it to the couch. I hurriedly scoot it forward and bend over to snatch up the letter, my heart hammering in my ears with every second.

I don't know why but I expect to find dad staring at me when I rise up and I think I breathe a sigh of relief when he's not there. God, why the fuck do I feel like I'm about to vomit? Should it really be this nerve wracking to dart downstairs and grab something?

My chest is squeezing painfully and I practically race up the stairs, pushing my door closed when I'm inside. I debate locking my door but I'm not sure this is something I can do without having that extra security.

With trembling fingers, I turn the lock and stand in weighted silence, breathing in and out to the pace of my erratic heart. I can do this. I have it in my hands now and I can read it. God it should really be that fucking easy.

Eight months of silence. Of wondering what I did wrong and why she stopped taking my calls. Trying to guess where she might have gone and calling relatives, only to be shot down every time. Eight fucking months and she finally decides to write me a letter?

God, she doesn't deserve for me to read whatever she's written. I should just tear it to fucking pieces and never respond. She didn't leave a return address and something tells me that she didn't give me a way to contact her.

My hands tremble as I turn the envelope over in my hands and I slowly tear open the back of it. Well here I fucking go. Now or never, I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh a cliff hanger.
> 
> Yo! I hope you've all had a great two weeks since the last update. So nice of me to update with a cliff hanger, right?
> 
> Valerie is perfect and I adore her. She's so much fun to write with Dash in Stay cause in the beginning, I was just gonna have their friendship be pretty casual. And tbh, for the most part it is pretty casual in the sense of how often they talk but hopefully you guys can kinda pick up on how close they really are.
> 
> The game I had them play is Donkey Kong Country Returns: Tropical Freeze and I picked that one specifically cause it's a BITCH to play. Seriously, the bosses in that are so difficult. It's so infuriating cause you play all the levels and once you finally get all the way to the stupid boss, you only have one hit left and then you just DIE. It's horrible, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Great game though, totally recommend it.
> 
> I know that Danny can't be in every chapter but I miss that little shit. I know it's a slow burn but like... I want them to kiss already, damn it! But alas, I'm doomed to slow burn hell. At least I'll have all of you for company.
> 
> Like I said last chapter, re-reading these in order to proof read and post them is weird cause I'm writing chapters that are so much farther ahead than these ones that Dash's headspace is soooo different. It's nice to watch happen though cause like, my baby's growing up *sniffs*
> 
> Soooo, any speculations as to what Dash's mother has to say in the letter? Poor Dash though, part of him never wants to read what his mother has to say and the other part of him is just so damn curious. Of course, I'm the writer so I'm gonna make him read it whether he wants to or not. I mean... no, that's exactly what I mean.
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think in the reviews - I'd love to hear your speculations or thoughts for her letter, or the story in general. I really appreciate it, and I hope you all have a fantastic two weeks!


	17. Some Things Are Better Left Alone

I feel like time slows down in the few minutes it takes me to wrestle the envelope open and I can feel myself trembling even as I stand there with the lined pages mom's written on, folded over three times. I run my fingers along the edges of the crease and slowly breathe out. I hate the way even my breathing is shaky but I can't control it anymore. It's like this involuntary twitch inside of me.

_Dash_

No 'dear', no 'my son I abandoned'. Just my name. It's just my fucking name but it makes my heart crack like I can hear it in her voice and goddammit, I can. I remember the days I came home from school and she would call my name from the kitchen, telling me she'd made cookies or just to ask me about my day. I remember coming home from work early and seeing the marks dad had left on her skin before he'd gone to the bar again. I remember her hands holding mine as I tried desperately not to make a fist. Because fists scared us both and we couldn't do that to each other. We were supposed to be safe spaces but she left. And she didn't take me with her. I guess she was a better safe space for me than I was for her.

_I'm so sorry for leaving you._

Sorry? After all this fucking time, she's sorry? For what? Leaving me in general or because she left me with him? Does she think about me late at night or early in the morning, wondering how I'm waking up? If I'm bruised or not… God, she makes it sound like she fucking cares.

_I have always hoped that you understood why I left you that day but if you don't, I'm here to explain. It was never you, Dash, my baby. I never wanted to leave you. You were the only good thing your father ever gave me._

If I'm good, why did she leave me? Why is it hard to convince myself that I'm worth fucking anything if she thinks I'm good? God, what did I do wrong? Is it because I panic when he screams? Because I resemble him and that scares her? Would I have been too much of a reminder to take with her? I wanted to go. I would have dropped everything if she would have taken me. I would have left this town and the job I have at Alex's. Paulina, Kwan, Valerie… I could have texted them all. Skyped them even. Fuck, why couldn't I have gone with her?

_You were never my reason for leaving and I truly hope you understand that and you never blame yourself for what I did._

Blame myself? Is that the same thing as lying awake every night wondering why the fuck I couldn't have left with her? Most nights, the weight of the world is sitting comfortably on my chest and I can't fucking breathe as I wonder what I did wrong. Why I couldn't have left this place in my rearview mirror. Mom and I could have started over completely. Just the two of us.

_What I did was selfish and I know that. From the bottom of my heart, Dash, I'm sorry for the pain I know it caused you. I know I hurt you and even though I don't deserve it, I hope you can understand why I did it. Why I had to leave._

_You saw what he was like. When your father would get angry, you were a witness to the things that he would do. I couldn't stay there any longer and let him do the things he did to me. I still live in fear that one day, he might find me and that life will start all over again._

I wasn't just a witness. Maybe I was when I was a kid and I couldn't physically stand the blows my dad would deal us but I haven't been just a fucking witness in a long time. I've been on the receiving end of his hands since I was six and it's only gotten worse as time has gone by. Half the time I'm terrified he's gonna crush my fucking skull in and I won't be able to think straight anymore. Or maybe he'll bruise my ribs so bad my lungs will collapse and I'll die on my bedroom floor, gasping for breath.

A witness. Does mom really think I'm just a witness to the shit my dad does? Has she forgotten all the times I would put myself between her and his angry hands, taking blows that were intended for her? I hated watching him bruise her. The pain was always easier to deal with if it was my own.

_I'm writing this letter to tell you that soon, I won't just be a victim of his anymore. I'm going to file for a restraining order and a divorce. I hope that if you can, you'll tell the truth to the police officers I've been talking to. You can tell them what you've witnessed and it'll help me break free of him. I know it's so much to ask of you but my lawyer believes that having a witness will greatly improve my chances of having a smooth divorce trial._

She wants my help. She's not writing me to tell me that she misses me or that she's had a change of heart and she's sorry that she left me. She wants my fucking help and it's the only reason she decided I was suddenly worth her time. Because I'm useful to her again. Worth something. God fucking dammit, I should know better than to get my hopes up. Why would she talk to me if she didn't have to?

My chest aches and I really don't want to read anything else she's written me. I don't want to hear about how great her new life is going and how she's better off without dad and her dead weight son hanging around her. Why did I ever think she was writing to me because she cared?

Some masochistic part of myself insists on reading this through to the end so I draw in a breath, letting it out slowly as I read to the end, not giving myself time to think in between what she's telling me. I just need to get it over with.

_I know I can count on you to help me out here, Dash. You've always been there for me and I know you'll be here for me now. I can't really give you any details in a letter like this just in case your father's intercepted it. I truly hope it's gotten to you and not him as these words are only meant for you. My brave son. I can't imagine how you've must have felt the day I left._

_As soon as I can, I'll let you know when I can meet you in person and when I can, I'll tell you everything you'll need to know to help me with this. Thank you, sweetheart, I know I'm not asking anything easy here._

_With all the love in the world,_

_Mom_

I can't breathe. Am I breathing? My lungs ache. I lose track of the letter in the blurry of embarrassing tears clouding my vision. Goddammit, I'm not supposed to fall apart like this. It's not fair of me to break into a million pieces like this. Not tonight.

A pained sob leaves me and I slam my hand down on the light switch, not caring anymore as I trip over everything in my room in my hurry to get to my bed. I can't do this. I can't break apart in the middle of my bedroom with the lights on. Only my bed gets to see this side of me and as soon as I collapse onto the mattress, I drag my pillow over my head to muffle my sounds.

I don't remember the last time I cried. I remember tears springing to my eyes from the pain when my calf was fucked up and again when dad crushed my ribs. But I don't remember this kind of crying. The kind that causes snot to run down your face and makes breathing in between sobs almost painful. Like your heart can't handle the break in between pathetic, splintered cries.

I feel like that same kid that first saw dad angry. We weren't at home the first time he shoved mom and it felt out of place. Like it only happened cause we were somewhere else. But he wasn't violent once. He had to keep going with it and keep going with it and it drove mom away. I drove mom away. Cause I couldn't fucking handle it.

A lot of people have said that crying is therapeutic. That it helps to purge them of the sadness they carry around with them and bottle up inside but for me it doesn't feel good. There's no relief when the tears finally leave me. There's just emptiness. A hollow sort of feeling washes over me when there's nothing left in me to cry out and I'm just left with my head half-under my pillow and my knees drawn to my chest. It hurts but it's an empty kind of hurt. Like the fading bruise that you occasionally run your fingers over to remind yourself it's still there.

My eyes sting when I roll over onto my phone and light up the screen but I apparently missed a text message from Danny. I didn't even feel or hear the vibration. I hope dad didn't hear me being such a pathetic fucking mess.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**You did a great job today, Dash. And don't worry, it gets easier every time :)** _

He's apparently one of those people that adds smileys to the end of their messages. I can't decide if it fits with his personality or not. Oh fuck, why do I care?

My fingers tap out the message before I have time to talk myself out of it and I convince myself that pressing send isn't a mistake. I should probably talk to Kwan instead, tell him what the fuck my mom decided to write me with but I can't. I want to talk to Danny. Someone that doesn't know my past and every fucked up piece of me. Someone objective.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Do you think I'll ever get better?** _

I don't add 'at algebra' to the end of that question and I hope that AP classes has taught him more than math so he's able to read between the lines of my message. I just want to know if I'm kidding myself. I know I'll never rise above a job at Alex's and a shitty apartment on the other side of Amity Park but I just want to know if I can stop feeling like shit all the time.

I don't need to be happy every day of my life and I don't need someone waiting up for me on the nights I come home late. I just want to not hate every inch of myself all the time. I just want to fall asleep without replaying every awful thing I've ever done or without trying to fit my broken pieces back into place like some kind of fucked up jigsaw puzzle.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**I do. I think you're completely capable of mastering algebra. You're smart enough to!** _

Of course. I shouldn't expect him to read between the lines of my message and tell me I'm not fucked up. I don't deserve that kind of message from anyone. No one should have to tell me that I'm not something that I clearly am. A letter like that would piss most people off. Not me. Me, it fucking breaks.

I click my screen off, letting the darkness of my bedroom have me again. I shouldn't hope for anything from anyone. It's not fair to put that kind of expectation on anyone. No one should be responsible for making me feel better. But damn it, I want someone to make me feel better. I want someone there for me on the nights I can't breathe and someone to run their fingers through my hair while I pathetically sob my way to dreamland. Wanting and deserving are two different things and I definitely only fit one of them.

My room is bathed in light again as another text appears on my screen and I blink against the sudden brightness. I should probably turn it down so I don't damage my eyes but I don't care right now. Because my breath sticks in my throat at the words across my screen and I really hope I'm not about to cry all over again.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Outside of algebra… I still think you'll get better. Whoever or whatever makes you feel like you won't is wrong. You're capable of a lot and you should give yourself more credit.** _

I'm still trying to figure out how the fuck he knows what to say when he sends another text through, reminding me that this is the second time I've been pathetic today.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**It could also be anxiety talking (if that's what you have), telling you that you're not going to get better. But you can.** _

Goddammit Fenton, how do you know how to make me feel better? Two text messages. It only took him two damn text messages to make me feel a little less hopeless. Maybe it's because I cried everything out earlier but those two text messages from him make me feel… happy? I don't know. Maybe I just feel less alone staring at his words on my phone.

I want to respond back with something meaningful or maybe play off my insecurities as a joke but my brain can't come up with anything to say that's not lame or slightly gay. "Thanks for making me feel better about sobbing into my pillow for the past hour. Still up for tutoring me this weekend?" is the lame part. And I won't even get into the things my mind is coming up with that sound way too much like I'm hitting on him.

Rather than staying silent and letting Danny think that what he sent me was stupid, I force myself to type something and second guess it a million times before I hit send. I don't think I've ever held my breath after sending a text but there's a first time for everything.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Leave it to you to make me feel less pathetic. Thanks, Danny.** _

I hope it sounds pretty cool. Like I'm not waiting on the other side of my phone to see what he comes back with. To see if his words make me feel less alone again. Maybe it's because he doesn't know everything or maybe it's because he's outside of this situation but talking to him is nice. Better than if I'd texted Kwan.

Kwan's one of the most important people in the world to me but he tends to have an opinion about everything. And he'd tell me to get rid of the letter so I don't have to think about it anymore. He'd tell me to never open anything that came from her again. I don't know if I will but I don't want Kwan's advice on what to do yet. I'll come to him eventually. But for now, Fenton's a good distraction.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Any time! :)** _

I overanalyze that smiley and exclamation point to death, wondering if he's happy that I'm feeling better or if he's just happy that he doesn't have to keep talking to me to make me feel better. Fuck, not everyone can only be talking to me out of guilt, right? Isn't that statistically improbable or something?

* * *

 

The sun is beating down on me through the space between my curtain and the wall and I can barely open my eyes in the brightness. Shit, what time was it when I fell asleep last night? More importantly, am I asleep in my own bed or someone else's?

I roll onto my back, flinging an arm over my eyes. This sure feels like my bed. If I'd open my eyes, I bet I'd see my bedroom around me too. Jeez, I can barely remember last night, it must've been crazy. My head's not pounding like it usually is following an insane Friday night so maybe I didn't drink that much?

My arm scoots a little when I turn and I force an eye open, sweeping my gaze around me. Yup, definitely my room. God, did I throw a party last night? I can't remember a fucking thing. Jeez, I hope dad hasn't seen the damage yet.

As soon as I roll over onto my side, I catch sight of something near my door and suddenly, I can remember last night. Valerie came over. We had Chinese food. Dad and I watched football when he came home. I read mom's letter.

I don't know how I was able to forget for even a millisecond about the fucking letter. My chest aches again at the memory of what she chose to put in the letter. She only sent it because she needs my help. Because she wants me to help her stay away from dad forever. What about me? Don't I deserve to get away from him too? I can't tell if I want an answer to that or not.

My ribs aren't sore when I move and I almost wish they were. It'd be easier if I was hurting cause then the pain in my chest wouldn't feel so pathetic. I don't want to feel this way again. I want to open up Danny's texts again and read over them a thousand times to make myself feel better. Less like a failure. And if I could ever find my fucking phone, I'd do that.

I'm too frustrated to keep searching through these damn blankets so I just pull them off my body entirely, dropping them onto the floor in my journey to find my stupid phone. Just as I move the sheet, my phone falls from the blankets and onto the floor, making a dramatic sound that causes my heart to jump. Screen's not cracked though so whatever.

After I grab the damn thing from the floor, I flop down against my pillows again with a heavy sigh, drumming my fingers on the side of the device. I probably shouldn't use Danny for everything. I won't text him, I'll just reread what he sent me last night.

He's sent me two more since the 'Anytime' message and I wonder how I slept through them. Usually any kind of noise wakes me up or at least filters into my dreams somehow.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**So you probably have things planned after your first game on Friday so is Saturday or Sunday better for you for studying?** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Also if you're struggling with your homework, feel free to text me and I'll help you as much as I can over text!** _

God, this guy's gonna be the death of me. How is someone really just that nice? Is he really willing to rearrange his weekend based on which day I choose? Doesn't he have better things to do than tutor a quarterback? He still hasn't told me what he wants in exchange.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Whichever day works better for you is fine with me. I might take you up on that offer cause I still have like a page left to do** _

I didn't mean to respond immediately but he's a good distraction from the crushing weight still resting comfortably on my chest. God, I don't want to think about mom anymore. Can I just check out from life for the weekend?

As that thought crosses my mind, a text comes through from Kwan and from the preview, I can tell he's either freaked for some reason or super fucking energized. It might be ten but that's still way too damn early for that kind of energy.

**From: Kwan**

_**Where are u? Practice is about to start!** _

Oh, that's right. Fuck, we have an extra practice this weekend. Goddammit. If I tell coach my leg's bothering me again, he'd let me out of practice today but there's a chance he'd keep me from playing in the game on Friday. I can't miss the game. Dad's coming to watch me play.

With a groan, I force myself out of bed and head toward my closet, pulling out a pair of shorts and a muscle shirt, donning both before I look around for my cleats. I'm just finished lacing them up when there's a knock on my door.

I flick my gaze from the ground toward my door and my eyes are immediately drawn to the letter still splayed across the floor. The sight makes my stomach turn and I quietly move across the floor, gathering up the letter and shoving it underneath my mattress before I return to unlock my doorknob.

Dad's on the other side when I open the door and his eyes immediately run down my frame, arching a brow at my outfit. I thought he was working the morning shift, what the hell is he still doing home?

"What's up?" I choose to go with, leaving him in the doorway as I cross over to my mattress, grabbing my phone from where I left it next to my pillow. I keep myself busy by tapping out a response to Kwan before I look up at dad again.

**To: Kwan**

_**Running a little late. Tell coach for me?** _

Dad takes a hesitant step inside my bedroom and everything in me goes on high alert. I know the angry dad that's been there since childhood. And I know the happy 'so proud of my quarterback son' dad. This new version of dad is taking some getting used to but I don't think hesitant is ever a good thing with him.

"You headed out for a morning run?" he asks, his voice soft and only making my heart pound even faster. Fuck, why is he talking so quietly? I have to strain my ears to listen and I don't think that's a good sign in the quiet of my bedroom.

I shake my head and pocket my phone. I'm already running late and I should just tell dad that so I can get the fuck out of here as fast as physically possible. "Weekend practice," I say, slowly inching toward my door. I take a small half step and dad watches the movement. Should my stomach lurch at the way his eyes follow me? "I thought you were working the morning shift."

"I was but Henderson came in early so I left, thought I'd come home and see if we could do something today," dad says, eyeing me again. "But if you're busy, I understand."

Why do I feel guilty for being happy that I have an excuse to stay away from him? I finally have a reason to split and I could easily say that I'll be working today as well so I only have to be around him tonight instead of all day. But I feel bad for wanting to keep distance between us.

"I don't know dad, I'm probably gonna be working after practice," I say, dropping my gaze to the floor when he looks up at me. I give a half-shrug as my phone vibrates in my pocket. "How was work this morning?"

He exhales softly but the sound is loud in the silence. "It was fine. Andrea was telling me that her and Paula worked a scene last night of a break-in. Nothing was taken and there's nothing on the security cam footage."

"What was it then?" I ask, looking back up at him. "Some kind of prank call or something?"

Dad shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. It reminds me of the times when I do it and I wonder if I really am a reminder of him to mom. If that's why she didn't take me. There are probably a million other reasons why but maybe that's the major one.

"No, it wasn't a prank. Someone definitely broke in but we're really not sure who it is or how they even got in without tripping the alarms," he responds, shaking his head slowly. It's not uncommon for the apartment across town to get broken into and even the convenience stores are robbed every so often. But Amity Park doesn't really have a lot of crime. Aside from underage drinking, occasional possession of drugs, and drunk driving, this town doesn't really have a problem with stuff like this. It's probably just some kid looking for a way to pass the time.

"Well… I'm sure you'll figure it out. You always do," I tell dad. I want to reach across the distance between us and squeeze his shoulder or maybe even just touch him. But I can't convince myself to. I don't have the courage or the nerve and I can feel the tiny tremor starting in my right hand so I take my chance to leave. "I gotta head in to practice but I'll see you tonight."

Dad nods and smiles. "Good luck. Drive safe."

I don't remember the last time he told me to drive safe but it gives the illusion that he'd be worried about me if something happened. I can only think of three people that would worry about me if I didn't drive safely but knowing dad might be a possible fourth makes me feel good. Well… not good because I still feel like shit thanks to mom and my general self-hatred and the fact that I'm fucking shaking again but still. It's nice to know that on some level, he cares. As fucked up and twisted as our relationship has become over the years, I think we still care about each other. At least… I have hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! You guys have a good week? I'm posting an early update cause cliffhangers are the worst, aren't they? Does that last chapter qualify as a cliffhanger? Most of the fics I've read that have a cliffhanger or two seem more dramatic than that. I don't know if it counts but yeah, cliffhangers are terrible.
> 
> I loved reading your thoughts last week about what his mom was gonna put in the letter, thank you so much for that! So uh... *cough* what do you think now? Has your opinion on her changed any?
> 
> Dun, dun, duuuuun, the return of Danny! I mean... it's just a couple of text messages so he's not technically back but still? Danny's just such a precious nerd isn't he? Like... goddammit Dash how can you not already love him?
> 
> So, here you get to see just how tied up Dash is with his mom. It's not just his dad that's fucking him over, his mom's definitely got a hold on him too. Dash just craves that parental affection so much, he's willing to accept even the worst of it just to feel like someone loves him. It's so sad, isn't it? This poor child needs a hug and I just won't give it to him, muhahaha! Alex hugged him a couple chapters ago, he'll be fine.
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from 'Left Alone' by Sleeping With Sirens. Fun fact, this is the first and - from what I can remember - the only chapter I titled before getting ready to post it. Normally I get everything ready on the site and before I actually hit the update button, I have to sit and think about the title of the chapter for like 10 years. But not this one! I titled it before I'd even written it. There's a few other lyrics in this song that I feel really fit Dash too but I went with one that stuck with me the first time I heard the song. If you haven't heard it, you should give it a listen. I thought about putting it onto the playlist for this fic but I decided against it for some reason.
> 
> I'll be honest with you, I've been struggling to put down words on this for probably the last two weeks or so but last night, I had a major breakthrough with the story and I wrote 2k in one sitting. I couldn't sleep and it was like 5am, what else was I gonna do? It's a really interesting scene though and I never imagined it'd be in there so it's a lot of fun to write on.
> 
> You guys are the best, thank you so much for reading this update and sticking with this story. Seriously, I see so many of you commenting and leaving your thoughts and it's super nice to read. You're all just so nice and it's nice to know that poor Dash will always have people that want to see him get better. Unless you're like me and you want to see him get worse before he gets better. Heh... just me? Alright then.
> 
> Thanks again, you guys are the best!


	18. I'd Be An Anchor But I'm Scared You'd Drown

Coach is yelling at my teammates to move their lazy feet and run faster when I get out of my car at the edge of the field. Easy for him to say while he stands off to the side, blowing a whistle every few seconds. I don't know if he even remembers how it feels to run.

He hears me on the grass as I make my way toward him and turns around when I'm about a foot away. I slow a little, acknowledging him with a nod. His eyes drop to my calf, a silent question if I'll be able to join in practice today. I didn't get out of bed just to sit on the bleachers.

"Overslept," I tell coach, turning my gaze out toward my teammates as I come to a stop. I can feel coach watching me but I try not to focus on it, knowing it'll only make the shaking worse. Note to self: ask Danny how he deals with this kind of thing in public.

Coach nods eventually and blows his whistle, calling my teammates over again. They're all panting when they come near us and I know Kwan's staring at me. I don't really look at him cause if I do, I have to tell him with my eyes or my body language whether I'm okay or not. I don't want to ease his worry with a lie and I don't want to hurt him with the truth. Silence is better because it's ignorant. If he doesn't know I'm hurting, he doesn't have to do anything to make me feel better.

We're told the plays to make today and move into our positions, spreading out across the field as we practice. Blake snaps the ball to me and I throw it down toward the end zone where Mitchell Lockwood catches it, easily throwing it perfectly.

A handful of my teammates clap each other on the back before we into positon again. The snap is up again and as soon as my hands are on the ball, Keithand Seth Pollard try to tackle me. I just barely miss their bodies slamming into me, ducking and swerving as quickly as I can, before I'm sprinting across the field. None of my teammates are open for the ball so I run the length of the field, avoiding potential tackles as I go.

Sweat is already running down my back and I'm panting as I spike the ball through the goal. I hear one of my teammates sing out, "Touchdoooown!" before I grab the ball again, hurrying over to them. This is good. It's physically demanding, always is, but it's good. I'm gonna miss this distraction next year.

It's just past noon when coach whistles for the end of practice. Most of the guys are whining about being hungry and coming up with suggestions for where to go out to eat. A couple of them suggest Red Lobster and I'm instantly drawn into the conversation.

"You guys wanna have lunch together?" I ask, halting my stride. I was heading for my car to grab my duffel bag but the turn of conversation has my interest. Blake eagerly nods, glancing at the other guys for confirmation.

"Yeah man!" he says, nudging Jeff until the latter agrees.

The rest of my team is interested and though Keith looks like he wants to change his mind, he gives in when Kwan asks him if he wants to come along. No one can resist my best friend's puppy dog eyes. He could probably charm me out of my car with that look.

We hit the showers together, all discussing the menu options. I like the food okay but Valerie works Saturday shifts there and I like coming in to see her at work. She bugs me at the garage, it's only fair if I do the same in return.

The guys around me are talking as I scrub myself down, applying the barest amount of shampoo I can squeeze out of the travel bottle I take with me to and from school. Paulina always likes it when I don't smell like the inside of the locker room after practice and making her happy was such a high priority, I still haven't stopped using the shampoo after practice. I used to just soap up my body but once we started dating, that came to a screeching halt.

Blake mentions the annual party next Friday and I only look up when he calls out my name. He's wearing a grin that just says trouble and it probably means he wants to talk us all into taking shots together.

"You're coming, right Baxter?" he asks and I wonder if he's aware that we could actually lose. Last year, we came so close to winning the season but it came down to a technicality and a foul and a bunch of other shit that shouldn't have counted. We all know that the win was actually ours, and the ref was just pulling shit out of his ass to grant the other school victory.

Every year after the first game, we always go down to Star's beach house and stay the weekend to celebrate. I don't remember when the tradition started but it's been a part of us for so long, it's weird to even think about missing it.

I turn back to the water, running my hands through my mostly wet hair, checking for a few stubborn patches of shampoo before I press the heel of my palm against the nozzle. I grab my towel from the door of the stall and run it through my hair a couple times before I tuck it around my waist, swinging open the door.

"Sure man," I respond, moving over to where I left my bag. I grab my deodorant and apply some as the conversation resumes around me. We're all pretty lazy as we get dressed and leave the locker room together, making stupid promises about what this year's gonna bring.

Blake shouts out, "Victory!" and several of the other guys join in, chanting it toward the skies like the man upstairs might be listening. I doubt God watches football and if he does, why the hell would he be watching a team from a small town? He should tune into the Giants. Or see if the Packers are playing. There are plenty of football teams without a fucked up quarterback.

* * *

 

We all make it to Red Lobster in one piece and pile out of our respective cars, nudging each other and joking about what we're gonna order. I feel like I should probably warn Valerie that the whole team is coming in so I slide my phone out of my back pocket, quickly typing.

**To: Valerie**

_**Yo I'm coming in for lunch. Brought some guests with me** _

That's all the warning she gets because she bugs me at the garage even when she doesn't need her car fixed. It's not irritating most of the time but she sure knows how to push my buttons. Thinks it's hilarious when she can get me ranting about something. Usually by asking a dumbass question about her car. God, that always sets me off.

The guys and I enter the restaurant and I can see Valerie working a few tables near the door. She looks up when the bell on the door jingles and catches my eye for a second. There's a small smile on her face but then her gaze drifts over to the rest of my team and her eyes slightly widen.

Valerie turns back to the person she's talking to at the table and jots something down on her pad, nodding to whatever the customer says before she heads our way. I cross my arms as she nears us and she glances over the rest of my team. "What are you guys doing here?"

"Oh you know, seeing the sights," Blake says with a grin that I don't like. It's the same kind of one he wears at parties where he thinks he's about to get lucky. I might have to knock some fucking sense into him because Valerie's on the 'do-not-touch' list for every one of my teammates.

Valerie rolls her eyes, obviously unaffected by my teammate's attempt at flirting. She looks to me, giving me a smile but she doesn't get to say anything before a host comes up to us and starts talking about leading us to a table.

I spare Valerie a smile before I follow after the guys. "See you," I say softly as I pass by her. I think she wants to stop and talk to me again but she's working so I won't distract her for too long. Valerie told me last month that they were having the carpet replaced and jeez, it's fucking hideous. You know when a little kid eats all his spaghetti o's really fast so he can have ice cream after dinner and then just vomits it all back up? It looks like that. Geometric pasta vomit. I wonder if that's the swatch name.

The guys claim chairs and I end up next to Kwan, who actually looks too happy about it. I can't tell if he's got some reason why he's grinning like that or if he's really just that excited about sitting next to me but either way, I give him a look when he gets settled.

"What?" he whispers, spreading his menu out as he looks at me. His eyebrows draw down and I guess maybe he's just happy that he gets to sit next to his best friend. Go figure.

"Nothing," I respond with before the server appears, taking our drink orders. He nods after each one of us speaks and I'm surprised he keeps all of our orders straight. I'd get so fucking confused two minutes into this kinda thing. I'm way better with spare car parts or broken spark plugs.

The server, Trevor or something, disappears to get our drinks and I bring my elbows onto the table, resting my forehead in my hands as I stare down at the menu. I've eaten here a handful of times and mom and dad used to go all the time but I can't remember what I've had before.

Kwan's elbow bumps mine and I lift my head to question him with a glance. "You okay?" he asks. I wonder if it's just the position I'm sitting in or if he can tell when I'm slightly off. I give him a nod and try to return to my menu but he won't let me. "You sure?"

"Yeah, man," I tell him, lifting my hand to gesture to the menu. "Should probably figure out what I want to eat." I drop my gaze back to the items but Kwan's voice keeps me from registering what I'm reading.

"Jared wants me to meet his parents tomorrow," he says quickly, his breathlessness clueing me on just how nervous he actually is. My best friend had two girlfriends before he realized he wasn't interested in them and he wasn't half as nervous when he met their parents as he is right now. Does this guy really mean that much to Kwan or is he just scared because it's different now? Because Jared's bringing home a guy.

I fold my menu closed, no point in reading it now. "Really?" I ask, turning my attention back on my best friend. He nods, his lip disappearing between his teeth as he chews on it. Jeez, he's really worked up over this. "Isn't that kind of sudden? I mean, you guys haven't known each other that long."

Kwan gives me a funny look, letting out a nervous laugh. "Well, we met in May. I mean that's… that's kind of a long time. At least it feels that way to the both of us."

Huh. I always forget how long Kwan's actually known him. Everything feels kind of run together for me. From the time mom left until summer started, it's all one big haze. I don't know how I got from my classes or how I managed anything above a C that semester.

"Yeah, that's right." I glance around the restaurant, looking out at everyone in the crowd, all with their individual lives and everything they're busy thinking about. I bet half of them don't cry themselves to sleep like I do.

I shake my head, trying to clear the thoughts of the letter from my brain, glancing toward Kwan again. He's staring down at the table with a half-terrified expression. Like he's worried at any moment the table will suddenly catch fire. I nudge him with my elbow and he looks up at me. "Dude, relax. His parents are gonna love you." He lets out a low breath, nodding slowly and I fold my arms over the table. "And fuck em if they don't."

Kwan's gaze reaches mine again and a grin starts across his face. "Actually… I think I'll leave that to their son."

Nothing in this world could have prepared me for the sudden mental images in my mind. I can't stop picturing my best friend wrapped around Jared and fuck, I can picture the guy's face and oh god. I think I splutter a little cause Jeff looks at me. I wave him off when he looks concerned and he easily slips back into the conversation Keith and Blake are having. I think it's about the beach next weekend cause I'm catching snatches of the conversation.

"Sorry," Kwan laughs softly and I send him a look. It only causes him to laugh more and I consider shoving him out of his chair.

"God, man, I don't want to know about your sex life," I tell him, dropping my head to bury my face in my arms. Actually, Kwan's the only person I don't mind hearing about that stuff. It's just the accidental mental pictures that's getting to me right now. When Kwan started questioning how he felt about girls in our freshman year, I was the first person who told him it was okay. He asked if he was wrong for the way he felt and 'no' was out of my mouth before I even had to contemplate it. I didn't have to though, he's not.

Kwan laughs again and I raise my head from my arms, sticking my tongue out when he looks my way. He rolls his eyes and I keep my face turned toward him but rest the side of my head on my arms. I remember the nights Kwan would text me, terrified of talking to anyone about the way he feels about guys. He still hasn't really come out to our team, just a select few members. I'm glad I'm one of them.

* * *

 

Once we're finished eating, we split up and I'm headed to my car when I hear the door open behind me and a familiar voice call my name. I turn back toward Valerie, ignoring my teammates as they whoop and holler. It doesn't matter how often I tell them that we're just friends, they still think I'm getting some side action.

"Hey," Valerie says, her voice soft as she clutches a tray in front of her. I let out a breath, tearing my gaze away from hers as I drag my fingers through my hair. Last time we saw each other, I hadn't opened the letter. I feel like I should tell her that I have. God, it feels so fucking early to bring up the painful shit already.

I run a hand down my face, keeping my gaze out on the parking lot when I speak. "Hey." I huff out a breath, disturbing the quiet that's between us and nod to the restaurant. "How's your shift going?"

She shrugs, looking around the parking lot too. Most of my teammates are in their cars and pulling out now. My mouth is dry and the words are burning on the tip of my tongue. I practically spit them at her. "So I opened the letter."

Val's gaze instantly snaps to mine and the worry is obvious in her expression. Probably because mine is somewhere between 'my dog just died' and 'stay the fuck away from me'. I can't get my mouth to work beyond those five words so we stand in awkward silence while I try to remember how to speak and she waits for me to.

We stare at each other and though I can't hold her gaze for long, I feel the concern in her stare. Like she's searching my skin for the cracks she knows are there. But they haven't been visible to anyone for a long time. It's rare for me to get emotional with people anymore. It was a fluke when she was over yesterday.

"Are you okay?" she asks softly, raising her voice a little over the start of an engine. I glance toward the noise but she doesn't, keeping her gaze on me. I want to tell her that I am. It's been a couple hours and I managed to get some sleep in. Practiced with the guys. Fucking stuffed myself with some amazing food. I should be okay.

"Yeah," I mumble, the lie slipping past my lips before I can stop it. I clench my hands into fists at my sides, hoping that she doesn't know it's cause I can feel the trembling in my limbs. I don't want to panic and have to flee.

Valerie puts her hand on my chest and I think she knows how much I'm lying. I meet her gaze and suddenly words are coming back to me and I can't stop. "It's just … ah, fuck, she was so… she didn't even care, y'know? Like, she just… it was all about her. And what she fucking wanted and Val, I don't think she gives a shit that she left me with him. I don't think she wants to admit how badly she fucked up. She doesn't-"

I have to force myself to stop talking and stare at the pavement because I feel pathetic again. Starting to wonder if I'll ever stop feeling this way. Maybe this shit's seeped into my bones at this point.

"I'm sorry," Valerie says softly and I try to pretend that her words ease some of the hurt. Some of the guilt I feel still lodged like a fist around my throat. Reminding me that normal kids don't get left behind. Only the fucked up ones do.

I roughly push out a breath, flicking my gaze up to Valerie's again. "We're staying at Star's beach house after the game on Friday. You should see if you can get off work and come with me."

Valerie shrugs, glancing back toward the restaurant for a second before she looks back at me with a smile. "Sounds like fun, I'll see if I can." She stands on her tiptoes to place her hand on my cheek and the sadness in her eyes is just as strong as the day I helped her and her father move all their shit into the tiny ass apartment they're still stuck living in. "I'm sorry, Dash."

For what? It's not like she wrote that letter. And if I acted like a fucking adult, I wouldn't feel so awful because of the words my mom chose to send me. I don't even know why I'm bitching about this, why I let it hurt me. It shouldn't. I have a place to call home and a car that works, save for the brakes. I shouldn't be complaining about every little thing that goes wrong in my life.

"S'fine," I respond, shrugging as I take a step away from her, letting her hand drop from my face. I dig my keys out of my car and gesture to it. "I'll let you get back to work. I gotta check in at the garage, see if Alex'll let me work for a while."

Valerie nods and takes a step away from my car. She gives a small wave before she disappears back inside the restaurant and I watch the windows until I can't see her anymore. I love Valerie for being so kind about my mom and my dad and every other fucked up part of my life but she really doesn't need to hold my hand like this. She's only reinforcing the idea that it's okay for me to be as pathetic as I want.

* * *

 

Alex is in front of the shop, talking with Mr. Sanchez, when I pull my car to a stop. They both look up at the noise and Alex recognizes it's me before Paulina's dad does. As soon as I step out of my car, Mr. Sanchez realizes it's me though and gives a grin.

"Dash," he calls as I near the two and I shove my hands into my pockets, responding with a nod before turning my focus on Alex.

"I'm working today, right?" I ask him and he gives a small nod. I debate on asking about what they're talking about but I don't want to pass up the opportunity to work so I just leave them alone, making my way further into the shop.

Eric's already changing oil and I rap my knuckles against the hood of the car he's underneath. His creeper slides out a little until his middle finger is displayed. I laugh and move further into the shop, spying the back of Anastasia's head. She's pulled her hair back into a ponytail and her curls are flying everywhere, reminding me of her brother's.

"Yo," I say when she turns around. She arches an eyebrow and glances toward the entrance. I look too, watching Mr. Sanchez press his hands together, smiling widely at Alex. I nod toward the pair. "What's going on?"

Anastasia scoffs, folding her arms over her chest. "The guy thinks he can buy my brother's shop from him. Says Alex can make way more money if they work together." She rolls her eyes when I look back at her. "It's a load of bullshit, really. You know as well as I do that most of the cars that we fix come from his dealership."

I flick my gaze to Mr. Sanchez but it looks like Alex is sending him off. "The fucker," I respond, letting out a breath of my own. He's tried to convince me to become a mechanic for his dealership instead of Alex's before but I always thought his offers were because I was dating his daughter. Why's he want to get this place so badly?

Alex scratches at the back of his head, disturbing his curls as he does, and waits until Mr. Sanchez' car leaves the parking lot before he starts back into the shop. He wordlessly winds his way around the shop and comes near me, squeezing me on the shoulder as he passes.

"Don't overdo it and hurt yourself," Alex says softly, breezing past me before I have a chance to respond. Maybe the last time, I couldn't take off a damn tire by myself but my ribs were painful as fuck then. I'd like to think I can handle myself better today.

I meet Anastasia's stare and nod toward the rest of the shop. "What do I get today?" There's a Nissan Pathfinder sitting two bays down from us but she points behind me at a Ford F-150, telling me to take a look at it and see what's wrong. I recognize the car as something I've seen before but I can't place a name with the car.

"Cool, thanks," I respond, moving back through the shop easily. It only takes me a second or two to get to the car and I'm only one bay over from Eric. He slides out from the under his car and gives me a once over, before whistling.

"Word of the day is that you and little miss cheerleader are done for," he says, laughing a little at whatever expression is on my face. Eric's not typically one for gossip but when his head's under a car or hood, he listens to whatever people tell him. And apparently someone was talking about me.

I fold my arms over my chest and raise an eyebrow at him. "Where'd you hear that from?" The guys were with me today, no way it was one of them. Probably someone from the cheerleading team. I kick the edge of his creeper. "And since when do you listen to the town gossip?"

Eric laughs, sliding back under the car and I guess that's all the information I'm getting for now. Oh well, I have a beautiful truck to get started working on so what do I care? Hello my new distraction for the next hour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! Welcome back, it's been a strange two weeks for me. But how have yours been? School's started back for most of you, right? I wouldn't know too much about that cause I've graduated, thankfully. I hope your first week/few weeks have been good though! Don't worry too much and take good notes in all of your classes, you'll need them later in the year. Go you guys though, super proud of you all!
> 
> So, Stay. I haven't actively worked on this fic in close to about two weeks which is strange for me because I've been writing it pretty consistently since I started it, in the last week of January. It's probably because I've been working on "the fic of doom" which is this 5 story series for another fandom and I'll probably die before it's finished? So, Stay's kinda taking a back-burner. I still love it though.
> 
> I did two writing months with it and put down a collective total of 90k during those months. So, as you can imagine, I'm way past chapter 18. And since I've gotten past certain points, it kind of feels... I don't know, too long sometimes? I get nervous that maybe none of you want to read all these chapters just to get to the parts with Dash and Danny. I don't want to spoil anything but I will say that they hang around one another more the longer the story progresses. They don't immediately start dating or anything but just so you're aware, it's not like they're doing their own thing for 60+ chapters or anything.
> 
> I don't know... I've considered removing entire chapters because I'm worried that maybe none of it matters to the overall story? Even though I love the chapters, it's basically a long-ass set up and I know how annoying it is to read fics that have meandering chapters. It's all important information to the characters though and I've always known that the plot would progress slowly but... this feels ridiculous. I think I have 230k now. What do you guys think though? I'm still proud of and like the chapters I've already written. I just don't want to bore any of you with these chapters that aren't essential to the plot. I really want to hear your thoughts, as it could impact my decision, so please let me know.
> 
> Moving on. This chapter was a lot of fun to write and I hope you guys enjoyed reading it. Any time Valerie and Dash are together, I just love working on it. I feel like they have a pretty natural friendship and she's able to bring him out of his funk a little more than anyone else. Also I love what Kwan said about Jared, lmao.
> 
> This chapter title is another song lyric. It's from The 1975's "Talk!" You guys. I'm OBSESSED with them lately. I first heard them a few months back and I was like, "yeah, I mean, they're alright" but dudes. I can't even begin to explain how obsessed I am with their music. It's like, this perfect blend of chill but also enough to keep you thinking, you know? It's peeeeerfect. If you haven't heard them yet, check them out. If you do, let me know, I'd love to hear your thoughts. You can find me on tumblr as the-little-insomniac if you wanna chat about anything.
> 
> But yeah guys, I'm still working on this story, it's just slow-going and I doubt a lot of what I'm putting in there... so let me know what you think? About this chapter as well as everything I talked about it. It'd mean a lot to me. Thanks, you're the best.


	19. Please Don't Make Me Feel Like A Disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for physical violence, abuse of a minor, excusing the action of abuser, and anxiety.

Work flows pretty smoothly until I see the obnoxiously pink Volkswagen Beetle pull in front of the shop. It's almost closing time and Alex is telling me my schedule for the week when I notice the car out of the corner of my eye. I can't stop myself from turning to look.

"Ah, fuck me," I say, not too quietly and Alex looks from me to the car. I fold my arms over my chest and move toward the car. I'm not hiding from her again. Either she tells me what's going on between us or it's over. I can't deal with her mind games and bullshit again.

Paulina steps out of her car and pushes her sunglasses back on her head, smiling when she sees me. Her steps don't falter as her heels click across the pavement and she closes the distance between us. Paulina's fingers rest against my chest but I don't uncross my arms.

"What do you want?" I try not to snap but I'm pretty sure I do. Or at least I sound pissed off. Fuck it though, I am. I'm so sick of the way she plays me like a fucking violin and I crawl back every time because she's the cheerleader and I'm the quarterback and we're the couple everyone expects.

She raises a thin eyebrow, a stuttering laugh leaving her mouth and I know it's forced. She used to laugh less like a robot but somewhere down the line, someone told her that her laugh was obnoxious or too loud or some other bullshit and I haven't heard her normal laugh since. "What, I can't come and see my boyfriend at the end of his shift?"

"So I'm your boyfriend now?" I question and her eyebrows draw down. Oh come the fuck on, she's not seriously playing stupid is she? What did she think we were doing all summer? We haven't been about anything other than sex in a long time. "When'd that happen?"

Paulina darts her gaze around the shop but I already know none of the guys are paying attention to us. They've seen her come around in the past and they know when to rib me and when to back the fuck away because she's done something to piss me off.

"Dash, you don't have to put in all the work of being a boyfriend but to everyone else, we're dating. I can't have anyone knowing that we're just having sex, okay?" she hisses, her eyes never meeting my gaze. She searches my face but she won't look at me.

I take a step back from her so her hand falls from my chest and she looks at me then, frowning. "Look. I'm willing to let the whole lunch thing yesterday slide. But you have to know how humiliating that was for me. Everyone was staring because my boyfriend was acting like we weren't dating anymore. Do you have any idea what that was like?"

God, why does it always have to be about her?

"Paulina, I can't…" Think of the words… do this anymore… pretend that we're together when it's only our bodies because my heart, god I don't think I even have one anymore. It's been too warped and destroyed by everything that's happened to me. "I don't want to pretend."

She lets out a breath, taking a step closer to me. "That's okay. If you want to actually date again, we can do that." Paulina runs a hand through my hair, smoothing it away from my forehead with a soft smile. It reminds me of when we were younger. When I was naïve enough to think that this was gonna last forever. That we'd graduate high school together and leave this town in our dust. But she's the one that's getting out, not me.

"No," I say, letting out a breath. Her hand drops from me and I jerk my own through my hair. Fuck, why is this so hard? It really shouldn't be, it's easy to just say it. "I don't want… I mean, it's… I can't date you anymore. Or do… whatever this is. It's… I don't know, Paulina, it's just fucked up."

The look in Paulina's eyes hurts. She looks like I've caused her some kind of physical pain by what I said but I can't help it anymore. Goddamn, I can't do this anymore. She's better off without me dragging her down. And she deserves someone that understands how she works and doesn't resort to avoiding her because things are a little too difficult for him. She deserves someone who isn't so fucking pathetic about everything. "I-I'm sorry, I really am, it's not-"

"I was there for you," Paulina says, her voice not quiet at all anymore. I know at least some of the guys in the shop are looking our way now and I don't think she cares. "When your mom left and you started acting like a basket case, I was there for you. I helped you, Dash. And this is how you repay me? What, by breaking up with me a week into our final year? Why can't you just pretend?"

There for me? What the fuck is she on about? "It's-"

She talks over me, preventing me from getting a word out. "No, you know what, I'm done. I'm so done with your shit, Dash. I tried for years to get you to open up to me, to get you to tell me what you were thinking or what you were feeling but you acted like a robot for most of our relationship. You didn't let anyone in because you're brooding and your feelings matter so much more than anyone else's," she snaps and I can't tell if her words are cutting like glass or knotting themselves around my throat like a noose. "You're so caught up in everything wrong with your life, you barely look at anyone else. I bet you don't know anything about my plans after graduation, do you?"

I open and close my mouth, partially because I actually don't know and partially because I can't come up with a way to respond to her. I really wish this wasn't happening in the middle of the fucking garage. This is supposed to be my place to get away.

"Didn't think so," she responds, letting out a scoff. "God, Dash, how hard would it be for you to tell me what you're feeling? What you're thinking? I wanted to help you but you closed yourself off because you're too selfish. You think no one around you understands what you're going through but we do, okay? At least I do. And you wouldn't trust me. You'd never let me in, ever. Or tell me anything. Or-"

"Because you don't fucking care," I snap, the words flying from my tongue before I can stop them. But god, I fucking mean them. She doesn't give a shit. Maybe she cared in sophomore year and a little in junior year but damn. She doesn't anymore. Paulina quit caring about my problems a long time ago and she still doesn't understand how hard it is for me to let someone in. At this point, I'm pretty sure it's fucking impossible.

She pushes her hands into my chest but there's barely any strength behind the movement. "God, I do! Why do you think I'm here? I don't want this bad shit to be happening to you but would it kill you to stop thinking about it all the fucking time? Why can't you ever just be in the moment with me? Instead of running through every possibility of what could go wrong?"

Like I enjoy the times when my mind can't stop coming up with the awful ways things could play out. The times when I can't stop wondering if I make one wrong move, something bad will happen or maybe everyone will figure out about my dad.

"It's not like I do it on purpose," I say, wishing there was more bite to my tone. If I'm not angry, I'm only confirming what she thinks. That I can't handle anything. That I'm breaking right in front of her and no amount of superglue is enough to fix my fucked up pieces.

Paulina lets out an exaggerated sigh and steps away from me, folding her arms over her chest. "Fine. We're both right then." She rolls her eyes as she looks away from me and I don't know any more if I want this back and forth over with for good. Part of me still wants to make her happy. To watch her face light up when she sees me. To be the guy she always tells me I can be. But I don't think I can be that. I don't have that kind of strength.

"I'll see you around then," she says, moving away from me and I can't stop myself from catching her by the wrist. She turns back toward me, her expression unreadable, and tugs her hand free. My grip is loose and I let her go easily. Her eyes search my face and I can't meet her gaze.

"I'm… sorry," I say, not entirely sure what I'm apologizing for. I just know that I don't want this. I always pictured us breaking up and it being pretty mutual. Or fuck, I thought it was just gonna eventually happen when she had to leave for college. And I shouldn't care because I know she meant every damn word she said but they were all true. If I could just learn not to constantly dwell on my stupid problems, I'd probably be happier.

Paulina sighs and pushes her sunglasses back onto her nose. "Like I said, I'll see you around," she says, moving across the lot and leaving me standing at the edge of the garage. Her car starts and I want to get into mine. Tear down every back road I can find while I try to come up with a fucking way this could work. A way we could both be happy. But I don't think her happiness is something she ever found in me. I can't blame her. Who would?

* * *

 

The shop is quiet around me as I return to my workspace, putting my tools away, wiping the grease and oil off them. While normally my coworkers would joke and cut up with me, today they're silent. We move around each other like we're all caught in some kind of choreographed performance and even Alex falls into step with all of us.

Eventually, my coworkers leave and it's just me and Alex. I know he's gonna ask what Paulina meant or what I'm thinking but I can't talk about it. There's nothing to say that she didn't already let the whole shop know.

"Dash?" Alex's voice is soft and his hand on my shoulder is even more so. I don't immediately shrug the touch off but I don't want to hug him this time. I don't need hugs. Or maybe I just don't deserve them anymore. Fuck, I don't know.

Alex squeezes my shoulder a couple times before I take a step back with a sigh, flipping the lid of my tool box closed. I flick my gaze up to his. "I'm going away after the game, won't be around Saturday or Sunday and Friday's obviously the game. So, text me my schedule if something changes."

He holds my gaze for a few seconds before his hands are on my shoulders again, looking like he wants to hug me. I steel my best pissed off expression but his response is a frown. Like he's sad for me. I don't need anyone's sympathy. I've definitely taken too much of that this year.

"I don't want to talk about it," I say before he can ask and he quickly nods, letting me know that he doesn't want me to either. He's just too nice to tell me to shut up so he'd probably let me ramble on about anything.

Alex lets out a small breath, his hands squeezing my shoulders again. "If you change your mind, you know how to reach me." His hands fall from me and that's it. The end of our touchy feely moment. I almost wish that I could talk about it. I'd kind of like his advice about this whole thing. Figure out if Paulina's right. If I'm too stuck in my problems to be in the moment with anyone.

He moves around me, shutting off some of the lights and I use my foot to push my toolbox out of the way. It's quiet between us and I try to come up with something to say. We've spent plenty of time being silent in each other's presence and it works for us but today's silence feels awkward. Like we're both waiting for the other one to speak. Fuck, why can't I come up with something to say? It should really be easy.

"So," Alex says while I'm still wracking my brains for what I want to say. He glances over his shoulder, giving me a smile. "Where are you going after the game?"

I blow out a breath, grateful that at least he's good at coming up with something to talk about. I run a hand through my hair, glancing around the shop as I talk. "Group of us are going down to the beach. Kind of a celebration after the game." It doesn't matter if we win or lose, my teammates don't need a reason to get drunk and party. Alex snorts and I turn toward him. "What?"

He shakes his head, turning off the lights over the bay we're standing in. His gaze drifts toward the television in the corner and nods toward it. "Come on, let's see what's on." Alex leads the way over there and I easily follow, getting two stools while he locates the remote. I plop down in one of the chairs and he joins me, channel flipping until we get to some kind of football game. I don't know who's playing and I have a feeling this is more so we can talk than actually pay attention to the game.

Alex leans back on the stool, interlacing his fingers behind his head with a sigh. When I steal a glance at him out of the corner of my eye, there's a small smile on his face. I flick my gaze back toward the television when he glances my way.

"Am I right in assuming you're gonna get drunk next weekend?" he asks, smiling a little when I glance at him. "Don't worry, I won't pass it back to anyone."

I roll my eyes and nod. We both know that if there's a party and I'm invited, you can bet your ass I'm getting drunk. Alcohol and me go way back and not just because my dad's a drinker. We go back because it makes me forget every fucked up thing in my life.

"I know you don't want to talk about it… but I'm guessing Paulina's one of the ones going to the beach next week," Alex says softly. Speaking of fucked up.

"Yeah, probably," I tell him, not bothering to look his way. I keep my gaze trained on the television. I don't want to look at him and see whatever he thinks of that. Honestly, before today, I wouldn't have thought twice about Paulina being there. But almost everyone working today heard our breakup so it's not like I can bullshit that we're still together.

He exhales softly. "Are you going to be okay with that?"

I roll my eyes and glance toward him, giving him a look. "I'll be fine with it." If she's around, I'll just remember to keep drinking until I pass out and hope someone flips me over if I end up face first in the sand. Wouldn't be the first time. Though I doubt Alex knows that and I'm sure as hell not telling him.

Alex gives me a smile when I look at him and it's like the tension from earlier melts away when he speaks. "So, I'm feeling like some Thai food. You want in on that?"

If ordering food and pretending my problems don't exist works, then god fucking yes, I want in on that. As long as he'll let me stay, I'll hang around. Because I really don't feel like going home. Even though dad's probably back from work, it's about the same as being alone. And I really don't want to be alone right now.

* * *

 

I have to park at the edge of the lawn cause there are cars in the driveway and surrounding the house and I have no idea why. I didn't invite anyone and dad hasn't in a long time. Who the fuck showed up and brought their entire extended family with them?

As soon as I walk in, something greasy hits my sense, immediately followed by the sound of laughter from the dining room. I kick my shoes off and wander further into the house, my keys still around my finger.

Dad's laughing with his coworkers when I step into the dining room and he doesn't immediately look up. Cards are spread across the table and beer bottles are in front of everyone. I don't know how long they've been playing but judging from the amount of beer on the table… I'm guessing it's a while.

The first person to notice me is dad's partner, Chuck, and he gives me a big grin when he catches sight of me hovering on the edge of the room. "Dash, hey! I was wondering where you were." Chuck stands from his chair and closes the distance between us, clapping a hand on my shoulder. "Damn, you've shot grown a couple inches since the last time I saw you."

I don't remember the last time I saw any of my dad's coworkers but I force a smile onto my face at his words. "Thanks."

"How's school been?" Andrea Payne asks me, giving me a smile when I look her way. "My little sister seems to think the curriculum this year is evil."

Paula Thompson snorts, rolling her eyes at the statement. "Come on, we all used to say the same thing when we were in school." She tips her bottle and chugs a few sips before looking my way. "How's your job going?"

I force a smile again. "Everything's good, can't complain." I'm already on edge just looking at the familiar scene without mom here but I keep trying to tell myself that nothing's going to happen. Just cause he's drinking doesn't mean that he'll fly off the handle. Not as long as I stay up in my room.

Another one of dad's coworkers, Milo Emerson, looks my way with a small smile before he focuses on the cards again, gathering them up before he passes them to dad. I sweep my gaze around the table, carefully avoiding looking at my dad, before I focus on Chuck again, my smile still in place. "Well, have fun. I've got some homework to do so, I'll let you guys get back to it."

Chuck doesn't argue but as soon as I turn for the stairs, my dad calls my name. I should have known it wouldn't be that easy. Slowly, I turn back to him, raising an eyebrow in the silence.

Dad glances around at his coworkers before addressing me, a grin plastered across his face. Or maybe he's just plastered. Fuck, there are already two empty bottles in front of him and just the sight makes my stomach clench. "Come join us for a couple rounds. You can do your homework tomorrow."

My breath catches in my throat but I manage to disguise it with a small exhale. "Y-Yeah, I would, dad b-but I don't know how to play." I shrug, already hating myself for the tremor in my voice and for the way my heart is almost pounding as I hold his stare.

"Oh come on, I'll teach you. Here, come sit." Dad pats the empty chair next to him and I wish it were that easy. I wish I could tell my feet to unstick themselves from the floor but I can't move. My heart is still hammering in my ears and I know if I stay, I'll start shaking.

"N-Nah, that's okay. I don't want to i-interrupt," I say, flashing another smile that I'm sure is wobbly and most likely looks fake but at least it's there. At least I can still pretend that everything's okay. There's no need to clue my dad's coworkers in to the fact that when he's not busy playing the role of doting father, Howard Baxter also doubles as a professional boxer. And I'm the opponent that never signed up for the fight.

Dad glances around the table, smiling at everyone. "You guys don't mind, right?"

Everyone at the table immediately agrees and beckons me forward but I still can't move. The smile drops from my face and I can't pretend anymore. The most I can do is hide my hands behind my back because they've started to tremble slightly. "D-Dad, I really need to be-"

"Sit, Dash," he says, his gaze reaching mine again. There's something in his eyes that doesn't match the smile still on his face and that tone of voice is something I can't ignore. I feel stupid for ducking my head when he speaks and I've never been able to resist his commands before.

My legs carry me in the opposite direction of where I want to go and I sink down in the chair next to dad, keeping my gaze on the table. If I don't look at anyone, maybe I'll stop shaking and dad won't have a reason to be angry.

Dad claps me on the back and even though it's gentle, it still feels like he's aiming to bruise. I really wish there weren't so many people here. Because there's a huge chance I'll end up shaking and dropping these cards.

"Alright, we'll play a round face up – no betting," dad says, addressing the table as he glances around. "Everyone okay with that?"

His coworkers murmur their approval and dad shuffles the cards while I do my best to keep my hands beneath the table so no one can see me already shaking. As it is, Andrea keeps glancing at me from the corner of her eye. I guess she's the only one that's picking up on my nervousness because everyone else is absorbed in their cards as soon as dad starts dealing.

Everyone simultaneously flips their cards over and after a second or two of hesitation, I follow suit. A pair of Jack's stare back at me along with two four's and a seven. I don't know if that's a good or bad hand but dad starts explaining before I have time to think about it.

He goes over the various hands in poker and I barely remember most of them. Andrea occasionally interrupts with a random tidbit of knowledge about what the best way to achieve a hand is or something like that and I nod to both of them even though I'm barely hearing them. My hand is twitching beneath the table and I try to remember to breathe normally when I speak.

"Alright so… the best thing for me to do is to hold onto my Jack's and ditch the rest, huh?" I question, my hand hovering over the three cards in question. When I get the approval, I toss them into the center with everyone else's.

The play moves around the table and Andrea explains why she chose to keep her king over her ace and even though I still haven't met her gaze, I nod anyway, letting her know that I am listening. I just can't look at anyone yet. Not until my fingers agree to quit trembling.

Chuck wins the round with three of a kind and dad gathers the cards up again before he speaks, my skin pricking under his stare. "So, you understand it enough to play a few rounds? Any questions before we get going?" His hand hovers over the newly shuffled cards like he'd be willing to explain anything I'm unclear on. But I'm not asking dad to clarify anything and if I suck enough at the game, I can use that as my getaway after a few hands.

Another hand is dealt and this time, I'm given two kings and an ace. I debate on ditching the ace but I end up keeping it, chucking my low number cards into the center pile. I was barely listening to dad's explanations but I was when Andrea explained about three of a kind and the straights. That part, I got pretty well but I'm not planning on sticking around long enough to try to go for each hand. I'm just focused on three of a kind for now.

"Now we bid," Andrea says, gesturing to money in front of every player. "You don't make as much as us so we'll go easy on you." She waits until I finally turn my gaze toward her before she winks, giving me a smile with the movement. "I'll start with a dollar."

She leans forward to toss her money into the center of the table and the play moves to Paula, who raises by fifty cents. After she tosses in the necessary money, Chuck raises by another fifty cents, and Milo follows suit before dad raises by another dollar.

"If you don't want to raise, you have to call it otherwise the bidding continues," Andrea tells me and I'm so fucking grateful that she's the one sitting next to me. I dig my wallet from my back pocket and toss the necessary money in the center. As soon as I call, Andrea nudges my elbow with hers, smiling when I look at her. "I'll show first." She lays her hand face up and Paula snorts.

"No wonder you told Dash to call, your hand sucks ass," she says, grinning when Andrea flips the bird. Paula turns her cards over and shows her hand, a straight that beats Andrea's three of a kind. "If you don't recognize it, that's what we call a good hand."

Andrea rolls her eyes, nodding to Chuck sitting on the other side of Milo. "I've lost my mojo," he says, flipping his hand over to show a bunch of cards that don't match. Chuck shrugs and the play continues. Milo has a better hand but dad lays his down and owns it all with a straight flush. He's grinning and it seems like he's two seconds away from bragging so I lay my hand down. It doesn't trump dad's but it's not awful… at least as far as I know.

"Not bad, you'll get the hang of it," dad says, slapping me on the back again. It feels even softer this time but I still have to keep from flinching. I can't help it. It's become second nature to me to flinch away when dad puts his hands on me. Maybe one day I'll get better at hiding that.

Chuck tosses a dollar into the center pile before exhaling, looking toward dad with the sound. "I called Gary on the way over here. Two more phantom sightings, you believe that?"

Dad shakes his head and lets out a disgruntled sigh. Actually, all of the officers make some kind of noise and they all sound just as unhappy as he and Chuck do. A phantom sighting? What the hell are they talking about?

"What's a… phantom sighting?" I ask, glancing between everyone. I shift my gaze toward dad last, only cause I'm not used to being around him when he's annoyed but not swinging yet. I'm guessing that if we were alone, that last part probably would be different.

Milo speaks first, his arms folding over his chest as he does. "Someone's been breaking into places recently. They don't take anything and they slip in and out almost completely undetected. We caught a bit of the person on security cam two days ago but the footage is too blurry to make out anything about them. Most we got is that whoever it is, they have the build of a teenager."

"If we don't catch them, you can bet your ass there'll be a curfew in effect soon," Andrea snorts, slouching in her chair as she glances over her cards again.

I remember dad mentioning something about it but when he did, it sounded like it was the first time this kinda thing had happened. But Milo's making it out like it's been going on for a while.

"We'll figure out who it is, don't worry about that. But for now, let's play," dad responds, tossing a dollar into the center pile before he looks at me. He's smiling and it takes me a few seconds before I return it. Maybe I don't have to think about how everything's fucked up or how it could all go wrong if I piss dad off. Maybe right now, I'm just a kid playing cards with his dad.

* * *

 

We've played a dozen or so rounds and the cards are dealt for another hand. The tension has mostly left my gut and though my fingers still tremble a little when I'm supposed to deal, the grins I'm giving everyone are less forced than they were in the beginning. We rack up the bidding to fifteen dollars before Chuck finally calls.

I'm the last to show my hand again and dad's really confident with his flush until I lay down my hand. Three beautiful ace's and two seven's stare0 back at him and I think I notice the twitch in his eyebrow before I speak. "Looks like I win this time." I grin but I don't reach for the pile of money in the center. Something is seizing up in my chest and making me hesitate.

"Nicely played," Andrea says before leaning forward to gather the money. She pushes it toward me with a quiet tsking noise. "You're gonna clean out our wallets in no time, I swear."

I try to smile back and seem like I'm into the game but my mind is focused on dad. He's tense beside me and my nerves are returning. I didn't mean to win or tick him off like I apparently have. I was just playing like he taught me to. This is why I never wanted to do this in the first place. I can't help it that my cards were better than his, I didn't-

"That's my boy," dad says suddenly, turning to look at me. I think my heart stops when he smiles and it takes me a few seconds to understand that he's not angry. He's okay with losing to me? Shit, I was expecting something way worse than the compliment he gave me.

Chuck gathers up the cards and starts shuffling so I quickly return my gaze to the money Andrea pushed my way. I tuck the money away in my wallet again before I pick up the cards I've been dealt. I can see the numbers on my cards but my fingers are trembling and dad's voice makes me lose all concentration.

"Of course, I taught you everything you know. So, remember that," dad says and when I look at him this time, he's not grinning anymore. He hasn't touched his cards and shit, mine fall from my fingers.

I glance away for a second and Andrea picks up a card that I dropped, handing it back to me with a smile. 'Thank you' is on the tip of my tongue but the words never make it that far. Because dad speaks like he's a stone floor and I'm china hurling toward him, going a hundred miles an hour.

"Are you actually shaking, Dash? Again, really?" His voice is demanding on the question and it makes me let out a breath louder than I intended. It sounds like I'm pissed but I'm actually just terrified. I can't panic in front of all of dad's coworkers. I'll only make him angry and I can't let them see it when I make him angry.

Silence has blanketed the table and dad scoffs when I don't respond. I glance at him from the corner of my eye and he's jerking a thumb in my direction as he looks at his coworkers.

"You believe this? Cynthia used to make excuses for him, like there was something actually wrong instead of whatever the hell he's doing," dad spits and the way his tongue falls across mom's name stirs the aching in my chest. Sh-Shit, I miss her. If she were here, I wouldn't be sitting next to him while he talks about me like I'm not here.

No one says a word and I feel the flush rise to my cheeks the longer the silence extends over us. I don't expect any of them to defend me, they don't even know me… but I was hoping one of them would tell dad to back down. I don't know if he'd listen to them but anything's worth a shot.

"He gets like this and I don't fucking understand why he doesn't cut it out. He's too old to keep acting like this," dad sighs heavily before he pushes his chair back from the table. He mutters under his breath a few times before he turns back to his coworkers. "I'll be right back."

Dad disappears from the room and I keep my gaze rooted on the table, not daring enough to look up at anyone sitting across or next to me. I really didn't want them to learn this shit about me and if I could just fucking stop, everything would go back to normal.

"Are you okay?" Andrea asks and her touch on my arm makes me jump. A staggered breath leaves me and fuck, I really can't do this. I just need to bolt. Get out of here and into my car before dad gets back. I'll stay with Kwan till the weekend. Hell, maybe next weekend. I've just gotta get out of here.

My hand closes around my wallet but I don't leave my chair. Whatever is causing my heart to squeeze and pound keeps me rooted in my spot and I can't move. Everyone's silent again and I know they can hear my erratic breathing.

"So, I say we start the bidding at an automatic five dollars this time," dad says, suddenly next to me again. I didn't even hear him come in and I start a little when he speaks. He shoots me a glare in response and I tighten my hand around my wallet. Just get up and go. Get up.

Dad crosses over to the fridge and grabs another beer before he nears me again to sit down. He glances around the table before gesturing to Milo. "You gonna deal or what?"

Milo hesitates for a second before he deals a card to dad. He stops when he gets to me and his hand hovers over the deck. "You in or out, Dash?"

"He's in," dad says before I can speak and though Milo looks at him, he doesn't acknowledge what he's said by dealing me a card. Dad hasn't looked at his card yet, too busy doing what he does best – draining another bottle.

I want to say that I'm not in and get as far away as possible but I can't speak. Something has a hold on my tongue and I can't breathe. I've never disagreed with dad and I wish I could this time. I wish I had the strength to say that I wasn't interested in playing another round.

Dad suddenly slams his bottle down on the table and I know I'm not the only one that jumps at the noise. His face is getting redder and he looks like he's a few seconds away from settling this the only way we know how, him swinging and me cowering.

"What the fuck is your problem?" he demands, angling himself toward me as he asks.

"Howard, it's okay, he's-" Chuck immediately shuts up when dad shoots him a glare.

Dad hesitates a second or two before he speaks. "I wasn't asking you. I'm trying to have a conversation with my son." He turns his angry stare back at me and I can't look away from it. My hands are still shaking and even though I have them in my lap, I know he can see them. "I asked you a question, Dash."

"I-I…" My voice quickly dies and I'm able to look away from him. I can't do this. I really can't do this. I can't sit here and hear him yell at me while I can't stop shaking and everyone around me can see it happening. I just can't do this shit today.

The sound of my chair scraping against the floor as I push backwards is loud in the deafening silence and I snatch my wallet up from the table. I can't do this right now. I'm not sitting here any longer. Not when it means he's just gonna keep going.

"I didn't raise a little bitch who runs away, we're having this conversation." Dad's hand locks around my upper arm in a bruising grip and he rises from his chair, holding me in place as I struggle to make my breathing sound normal. It's not even close. I sound like I'm dying and I feel like I am too. I can't look at anyone still at the table. I don't want them to see me like this.

"Howard, come on, let him go," Milo interjects, scooting his chair back a little to look at the both of us. "Come on, just sit down and let's play another few rounds."

Dad shoots him a glare before he's focused on me again, his grip tightening even more now. "Why do you do this all the damn time, Dash? Do you like the attention or some shit? You want people to feel sorry for you?"

"Cut it out, Baxter," Andrea says, leaving her chair with the words. When I dart my gaze over to hers, she's crossed her arms over her chest and looks really pissed off. I still can't breathe and somehow, dad's grip tightens again, forcing a half-whimper out of me.

Chuck leaves his chair too and claps a hand on dad's shoulder. "Howard, come on. I think you've had a few too many." He squeezes dad's shoulder and dad responds by pushing him away with one hand, turning me around with the other.

The breath is knocked out of me when he shoves me back into the wall but I don't have long to recover before dad's throwing a bottle my way. I manage to duck in time but it shatters against the wall and a small shard of glass glances off and into my cheek.

"Howard, stop!" Chuck grabs my dad's arm and pulls him backward. "Stop it, he hasn't done anything!" He drags dad backward a couple of steps and when Chuck's gaze meets mine, I bolt.

My feet don't stop pounding until I'm outside and halfway down the street in front of the house. The bottoms of my feet are stinging from hitting the pavement and I'm sucking in breaths like I'm strangling. Every muscle in me is tensed and I grab handfuls of my hair, trying to find something to hold onto. Anything will work at this point. I just need something to cling to, cause I'm fucking losing it.

* * *

 

I pace in the middle of the road for a few minutes, trying to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do but I always end up back to the decision that if I'm gonna take off, I'll at least need my shoes. I'm too chicken to go back inside and get them so I end up on the hood of my car, staring at the empty street as the crickets sing.

Time moves slowly but too soon my front door opens and people start trickling outside. Paula looks my way a few times and seems to hesitate outside her car but she just gets in and drives off without saying anything. Her headlights blind me as she passes by and I'm blinking away the image in the darkness. It's not until he clears his throat that I realize Milo is standing next to my car.

He offers a smile that's half hidden by the darkness of the night and I can't find it in me to return it. Milo exhales softly, taking a small step closer to my car. "You… you doing okay?" he asks, concern taking over his features.

Okay is a relative term. It depends on my definition of the word on the day I'm asked that question. If 'okay' means alive, yes, I'm okay. If it means am I doing as well as I can, yes, I'm okay. If it means that I managed to get through that situation and not break… sorry. I'm not okay.

I shrug in response and he glances back at the house for a split second. "Does that…. Happen often?" he asks and the fucking innocence in his stare kills me. I can't ruin it all by saying that it does. It happens whenever dad's angry or been drinking and fucking save me if it's the combination.

"Not really," I lie, my voice scratchy from lack of use. I've stopped shaking for the most part but I can still feel the tension in my gut, waiting to remind me of the fact that I'm so fucking pathetic, I panicked in front of my dad's coworkers.

Milo's frown deepens like he doesn't believe me and I wish he would. If he believed me, he'd get into his car and he'd drive away and forget about me. If no one's worried about me, I'm not bothering anyone. "Dash, your father is… well, he can be…"

"An asshole," Andrea finishes for him, coming to a stop next to my car. Her arms are crossed over her chest and even in the dim lighting I can tell how pissed she still is. I wonder what happened after I left. I can't even imagine what they all think of me now.

She looks me over, probably looking like a fucking child sitting on the hood of my car with my arms around my shins. "You doing okay?" she asks me, stepping a little closer to my car. After a second or two of hesitation, she uncrosses her arms, laying her palms against the hood of my car. "Seriously, your dad's an asshole. You don't have to put up with his shit if you don't want to."

I don't want to. But I have to.

"It's okay," I lie, giving them both a shrug accompanied with a forced smile. "He just gets like that when he's been drinking. He always apologizes in the morning, it's fine."

Andrea frowns, tapping her foot against the grass. "It's not fine, Dash. You shouldn't have to put up with that at all." She bites on her bottom lip before adding, "You know you can talk to someone, right? I'll back you up if you want me to. I can-"

"N-No," I interrupt, hating the way my voice stutters. I've only got another year with him and I'll be on my own. I can't fuck that up by getting anyone involved. "Really, I'm fine." There's no way to tell her that I can't leave because she'd argue and come up with a way where I could. But I can't. Not now.

I slide off the hood of my car and my feet touch the pavement, cooler than it should be on an early fall night. "I'm just gonna… head inside to do some homework. Maybe grab a shower." I jerk my thumb toward the outside of my house and start up the grass, not bothering to look back at them. They're not here to hold my hand and walk me through this. He's my dad, I'm supposed to be able to handle it at this point.

Neither one of the officers stop me as I go and I step inside my house again, already feeling the tension return to my gut. I have no clue where dad is but Chuck is standing in the middle of the living room, looking like he was heading for the door.

"Dash, hey," he says, crossing the room to me. He squeezes my shoulders gently, offering up a smile. "How you holding up?" He asked me the same question when mom left. I don't know how to feel about it being reused now just cause dad threw a bottle at me.

I shrug. "Fine."

Chuck frowns a little and moves one hand to my face. I briefly wonder what the fuck he's doing before I feel a small pinch and he moves his hand away with the piece of glass in it. He hesitates a second before he squeezes my shoulder again. "Dash, your dad's… he's a good man, son. He's just not that good at showing it."

My stomach hits the floor and I didn't think it was possible to feel lower than I did outside. "Yeah." I don't know what else to say because I can't argue. Chuck's just letting me know that he believes it too. It's not dad, it's me. I'm the reason he gets angry and I'm the reason he hits. I make him angry and I have to put up with the consequences.

"It's gonna be okay," Chuck says, trying to reassure me with another shoulder squeeze.

I shrug his hands off me and nod, stepping back so he can get to the door. I just want to take a shower before I crawl into bed and forget this day happened. The sooner Chuck leaves, the sooner I can do that shit.

He offers me a smile again before he takes his leave, and I push the door shut behind him. I turn the lock, wishing it was dad I was locking up behind. If he weren't here, I wouldn't be trying to hold myself the fuck together.

I cut out the lights in the living room before I start for the stairs. As soon as I stop at the bottom of them, I hear dad's voice. The blood freezes in my veins because now we're alone and he can do whatever damage he wants and there won't be anyone to stop him. I sure as hell can't.

"Dash… c-come here…" dad slurs from his position at the kitchen table and I slowly turn back to face him. He's got his hand clamped around a beer bottle and the shards of the one he threw at me are still on the ground behind his chair. I can't help it when my gaze lands on that first. "D-Dash, please."

I don't know how to do anything other than give in so I do. My footsteps are light as I move to him, stopping at the end of the table. I'm within hitting distance now but the way he's slurring and propped up on the table makes me think he wouldn't be able to hit me if he tried.

Dad looks up at me, with watery eyes and abandons his bottle, in favor of grabbing the front of my shirt. "D-Dash, I… I didn't mean to. Please, you ha-have to believe me, I didn't m-mean to hurt you. I-I wouldn't do that! That's not wh-who I am!" He hiccups as tears stream their way down his face, his skin blotchy and red. He blinks at me, sniffling in the silence, and I guess I'm supposed to respond.

"I-I know," I mumble, feeling my stomach tighten when dad tugs on my shirt, trying to draw me closer. I don't want to let him but I step closer until he's resting his cheek on my chest and sobbing freely. He starts going off about missing mom again, about how everything would be better if she were here and I can't take this. I can't listen to him talking about mom again and I can't be the one that's here for him anymore. I know how fucking badly it hurts to be here without mom but we were united against him. I'm not switching sides in the middle of this battle.

Dad continues to sob against my chest and I let him. I don't hold him like I probably should. And I don't tell him it's okay. I just let him cry and I break a little more. I can't be strong for him, I just can't. I'm barely strong for me. How am I supposed to have strength for the same person that robs me of it?

I help dad to his bedroom and pull his shoes off before he crawls into bed. I take his phone from him and pull the covers up around him before he speaks.

"Th-Thank you… Dash." His eyes are drifting closed and even though I just want to get away from him and get in my own bed, I sink down on the edge of his, letting out a breath. I don't know how to tell him that he's welcome for putting up with his shit. For acting like it wasn't a big deal in front of his coworkers so he can go into work in a few days and pretend that he just had too much to drink.

Dad shifts a little on the bed and he lets out a soft sigh. I hate that he sounds so peaceful while I've spent the better half of today trying to hold myself together. Between Paulina and dad, I've barely made it to this moment. God, when did everything get so fucked up?

I wait until his breathing steadies before I rise from his bed. I move back through the house and hesitate at the bottom of the stairs. The table's still littered with beer bottles and I hate waking up to that. Oddly enough, it's just not high on my list of good ways to wake up.

After the bottles are in the trash and I've swept up the broken glass, technically I'm free to go upstairs and forget that tonight happened. But the part of me that still insists I can try to be a good son won't let me leave yet. I find myself heading into dad's room with a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin for tomorrow when he wakes up hating himself for consuming that much alcohol.

I set the bottle and water down on his nightstand and glance around the room. There's not much for me to do so I move his shoes out of the way so he won't trip over them when he wakes up. I look around once more before I start for the doorway.

"Dash…?"

Dad's voice has always made me stop in the middle of whatever I'm doing and right now isn't any different. I hesitate for a second before I turn back to him. I shouldn't have come back in here. He's just gonna be pissed off again. I was just trying to help him out but I shouldn't have even bothered. Dad's just gonna-

"Thank you… for always staying…" he mumbles softly and I wish he'd been angry instead. As he quietly drifts off again, I'm left to walk away and try to piece together my heart. He's thanking me for something I can't control anymore. Something that's so ingrained in me, I don't know how to do anything other than stay.

After mom left, I came home on a night just like this one, to find dad passed out drunk at the table. I helped him to bed and sat with him like I did tonight. But that ended differently.

I made a promise that night. I'd never leave Amity Park. I promised I'd never do what mom did to him. Even if I somehow found a way out of here, I can never leave. No matter how fucked up things get between us, I promised dad I'd always be here.

* * *

 

My shower doesn't last long because I'm more concerned about getting in bed and forgetting today happened. Everything really kinda took a toll on me. It's just before midnight and I'm ready to sleep for a year. If I could just go to sleep and not wake up, that'd be perfect. Best way to go.

I close my door and turn out the light before I'm diving onto my bed, pulling the covers up to my chin. I ease my pajama pants off and toss them onto the floor, my shirt quickly following. It's not summer weather anymore but I sleep in boxers until winter really hits and I think my nuts are gonna fall off.

I'm settled under my blankets and really comfortable when my phone vibrates on the floor. A groan leaves my mouth and it's loud in the silence. The noise is a little satisfying so I make it again when my phone vibrates a second time. I don't really want to leave my bed so I slide as close to the edge of the mattress as I can, crushing probably some important parts as I stretch to reach my damn phone.

Just as my hands close around it, another text comes through and I turn the screen over, quickly sliding my thumb across the unlock area. Three texts from Danny are waiting and I take a minute to flop back onto my mattress before I read them.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**So I think I've found a way to make algebra easier for you** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Btw, what time are you coming over this weekend? Just so I kind of know and can plan a little better for it** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**That's not meant to sound like I'm setting up some big elaborate thing, haha. I just mean like so I can be downstairs and my dad won't have to find me for you** _

I can already tell he's probably tapping out another message, another explanation because I haven't responded yet, so I beat him to it.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Can I call u?** _

I don't want to have to type everything out right now and I hate the silence. I hate being alone after dealing with dad. I'd rather go to bed sporting bruises than whatever the fuck I'm feeling. The kind of shit that doesn't show.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Um… sure?** _

I don't waste any time hitting Danny's name and pressing the call option, waiting while it rings on my end. There's dead air when he answers the phone and it lasts for a few seconds before he speaks. _"Hello?"_

I stretch onto my back, letting out a sigh. "Yo," I respond. I doubt dad can hear me from downstairs but I'm still conscience of my volume level. I don't want to disturb him and risk seeing what happens when he wakes up still drunk. "So, I can't come over this weekend. I forgot that there's this annual trip after the first game. Don't know why it slipped my mind but I can't make it this weekend."

_"Oh."_

His response is so soft and quiet, I don't really know how to take it. I can't tell if that's a disappointed 'oh' or not. I've heard him say it before but this one sounds gentler, like he doesn't want me to know he's disappointed. Then again, how fun was tutoring really going to be? Unless his new way of tutoring me was gonna be something amazing. Then that'd explain the disappointment in the 'oh'. …am I really analyzing a sound from someone?

"Yeah, sorry," I say, letting out another breath as I close my eyes, listening to the silence of my neighborhood. I remember when I was a kid, I could hear the sound of cars passing through my neighborhood, especially at the end of summer. All the tourists would get lost at some point and drive through our subdivision, trying desperately to find their way out. Usually one of my neighbors would feel sorry for them and give them directions. But It's been years since any tourists have come to sleepy Amity Park.

I clear my throat, the silence scratching at my brain. "Do you think I can come by your house after school this week? Or tomorrow maybe?"

_"N-Not tomorrow!"_ Danny almost squeaks when he says it. He lets out a breath and I can hear his nervousness through the phone. I don't know why tomorrow won't work for him but I hope it's not because of some awful reason. _"Um, h-how about Wednesday? My mom'll be working late and my dad has plenty of things to entertain himself with s-so, it'll practically be just you and me."_

Why does it sound like he's trying to have me over at a time when both of his parents are busy? I try not to let my mind wander but fuck… what's he hiding? Do his parents hate him having people over? I don't let people come over here that often because of dad. No clue if Fenton has another reason why he doesn't want me over but I'd hate to put him in some kind of awful position with his parents.

"Listen man, if it'd be easier to meet in public somewhere, I'm fine with-"

_"N-No, that's okay. Um… it should be fine at my house, don't worry about it!"_ He sounds confident when he says it and to most people, I'm sure they'd take him at his word. But I call bullshit. I know what that looks and sounds like.

I roll onto my side, resting my phone on my pillow. Minimum requirement of effort achieved. Way easier to doze off this way and I can feel exhaustion pulling at me. "Alright, Wednesday works for me then." I'll have to text Alex tomorrow and tell him I'm only coming in on Monday and Tuesday then. He wouldn't give me Thursday because he wanted me to have twenty-four hours to prepare for the game. Don't know why. It's not like it'll make a difference whether we win or lose. Either we've trained enough for this game or we haven't.

_"So, um… I know what I want in exchange for tutoring you,"_ Danny says, his voice soft in the darkness surrounding me and I'm instantly more awake.

"You do?"

Danny exhales into the phone and I hear a door close on his end. I try to picture where he's at in his house but I can't. I'm drawing a blank on everything I try to imagine. _"Yeah. I want you to teach me what you know about cars. Just… enough to impress someone."_

I'm already grinning before he's finished talking. "Oh, you got a girl you're looking to impress?" I ask, unable to hold back the laugh when he squeaks. Either out of embarrassment or surprise, I don't know. And I really don't care. I'm gonna have a lot of fun teasing him about this.

But really, who the hell is he trying to impress? In my experience, most girls don't care about cars. At least, not the actual 'how it works' stuff. They just like when you're able to fix their car without a trip to the garage.

_"W-Will you teach me or not?"_ Danny asks softly and I think I hear nervousness in his tone. Like maybe he's worried I'll laugh at him. Weird thing is, if it was anyone else, I probably would laugh at them. Who the fuck is going to put all this work into learning something just to impress someone? But I don't want to laugh at Danny.

"Yeah man, I'll teach you whatever you want to know. I'm working Monday and Tuesday this week so if you can come by after school, I'll show you some different shit. Otherwise, we'll figure out when you can come by next week. Sound good?"

_"S-Sounds good to me,"_ he mumbles and I can still hear that nervousness in his tone. Hopefully by the time I start showing him some different stuff at the garage, he'll be more confident that I won't laugh at him or make fun of him because of this. Something about him makes me want to help, not make fun of him. And if he only wants my help with cars, then I'll help him with some cars.

The silence isn't so loud with Danny on the other end of the phone and when we finally mention hanging up, I'm falling asleep before we say goodnight. _Thanks, Fenton. That's twice you've saved me from being pathetic just cause I'm alone in my room._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yoooo!
> 
> Another Tuesday means another chapter for this fic. I've been reading through your thoughts on everything I talked about last week and I really appreciate it. You are all so kind and encouraging. It's so great to be a part of something that's so supportive. You're the best.
> 
> So, thanks to your comments and reviews, I've decided to keep everything and attempt to post more often. I'm not sure how it'll work yet with my schedule but I'll make an effort to post at least once a week. So, every Tuesday, check this fic out. There'll most likely be an update. Now, on to this chapter!
> 
> This is quite a long chapter, over 10k words. Damn. There are several places in this chapter where I could have split it perfectly but I didn't want to break it up. The contents of this chapter really felt like something that should be told in one go. I hope you guys don't mind it. There are plenty more this length or longer in the future. Just so you're all prepared.
> 
> I prefer to put trigger warnings at the beginning of chapters just so you're all aware of what's happening in this chapter before you go into it, but I try not to spoil anything. As someone that's dealt with abuse in the past, I'm always very grateful to those fic authors that choose to warn throughout the story. I know no one has to if they just tag it with that thing but it's nice when they do anyway. That way, I know to read the chapter when I'm in a better head space.
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from "Chaser" by The Wonder Years. Suuuuch a great band. The song is so Dash too. There's a whole verse that I feel really fits past Dash of this fic but the line I chose for this chapter is especially him. Immediately followed by "I'm learning how to put the pieces back together. And turn the aching to composure." Just, you guys. That song. So Dash.
> 
> Soooo, the poker game. When I originally wrote this chapter, I didn't have that scene in here but I went back to this chapter probably in July or so and put it in because I knew I wanted it to happen before a few future events. So, you guys get more abuse earlier than originally planned. Poor Dash though, he can't catch a break. Between Paulina and his father and his mom, just ugh. I should probably feel bad about the shit I put him through but... naaaah.
> 
> Return of Daaaaaannnnyy! Again, it's just over the phone but still. He'll be in person pretty soon. And their tutoring session is quite interesting, I think you guys will like it. These poor nerds just need to kiss and hug each other, clearly. They both need all the support they can get and what better place to get it than each other? No, I'm not saying that just because they're my OTP. What? No. Shush.
> 
> Anyway. Thanks for reading and being supportive, I super appreciate you all. I love writing this story and honestly, I don't know how long it'll get before it's done and over with but so far, I'm still enjoying everything about it. The process of writing it, editing, as well as posting it. I love coming on here and seeing all of your thoughts and speculations. You guys make this whole thing even more fun.
> 
> So, thanks again, I super appreciate it! Let me know what you think of this chapter, see you in the next one!


	20. How Do You Live This Way?

I was officially diagnosed with insomnia in the 6th grade. Of my parents, my mom was the one that thought something was wrong with me. My dad thought I was being difficult and refusing to stay in bed. I just wanted to get some fucking sleep.

Since high school started, I've developed a balancing act of sleep and homework, always sacrificing one or the other. Either I stay up to finish my homework and risk getting fucked over by insomnia or I ignore my homework the second I start feeling tired.

Which is why I'm not surprised on Sunday. I'm done with my shift and homework by ten and I actually get in bed before eleven. But I'm still awake when my alarm clock clicks over to read 5 AM. It leaves me an hour and a half until it goes off for school.

From experience, it's far better to get up without any sleep than to get that last hour and stumble through the day groggy as fuck. I'm gonna need at least two Red Bull's to get me through my classes and practice. I should just get up and shower. Get an early start. Maybe get some breakfast from the one McDonalds that's lasted in this town. But god-fucking-dammit, I just want to sleep.

I scrub my hands down my face as I spare another glance at my alarm clock, a groan slipping from me. Other than Kwan, my friends would probably call me dramatic but losing the escape that is sleep is one of the worst things. Mom used to have me trying everything the doctor recommended but none of it worked. Eventually, dad got pissed and I quit trying different medications or night time rituals.

There are periods of time where I can fall asleep almost instantly and then there are the bad times. Like now. Where I'm so fucking tired, I can barely think straight and I want sleep so badly, I'd convert to any religion that promised me rest.

Dad was in his room when I came home yesterday and he hasn't stirred all night. I crawl out of my bed as quietly as I can, already knowing it won't be pretty when he wakes up. At least this way, I'll be out of the house before he gets up. If he wants to pick up where he left off on Saturday, at least I won't be around to be the punching bag.

Attempting to be quiet, I gather my clothes for an early ass shower and slip out of my room. Goodbye sleepless night, hello god awful day.

* * *

 

I'm pretty sure, even with the Red Bull I consumed on my drive into school, I sleep through my first several classes. It's lunchtime and I'm finally kind of waking up. Kwan's asked me a couple times this morning if I'm okay and I think I told him I didn't get much sleep but I can't remember. I'm so exhausted. And jeez, do my teammates have to be so fucking loud all the time?

Jeff takes a small step backward when I turn around in line to glare at him. "S-Sorry!" he squeaks out. I have no idea what I look like when I'm angry but apparently it's working in my favor right now. Maybe it's just the bags I'm sporting under my eyes or maybe I really do look scary when I'm pissed off but something makes Jeff back down instantly and usually nothing kills that guy's buzz.

I move quickly through the line, grabbing a can of soda before I head for our table. The football team claimed this table ages ago and I've sat here every day since I became quarterback. I think the other students would lose their shit if we ever switched tables.

Kwan's already sitting at the table, talking to Keith about something, but he turns instantly when I sit down. I force a smile and open my soda, throwing back a few swallows of the delicious caffeine. If not for soda and energy drinks, I'd literally walk into walls during my bad insomnia periods. I shovel a few fries into my mouth before I notice Kwan's staring at me.

I glance down where he's looking and I have no idea how I missed the fact that there's this giant-ass hand-print bruise on my upper arm. Shit, must've been from when dad grabbed me the other night. I'm still staring down at it when my best friend speaks.

"Are you okay?"

I look up at the question, try to figure out how to answer it. Either with a fake smile and a blatant lie or bitching like I always do. Though I can't really talk about dad when we're surrounded by our teammates. Ugh… Paulina was right the other day, I'm so fucking focused on myself all the time, I barely know how Kwan's doing lately. How things have been at his house.

With a nod, I turn back to my food, shrugging. "Yeah, I'll be alright." I glance back toward him after a second, lowering my voice a little. I don't think Kwan cares if Keith overhears it considering he's been out to Keith for the last few months but still. I don't want anyone else hearing us. "Are you? Like… how's your home situation been?"

Kwan only keeps my gaze for a second when the conversation's turned back to him before shrugging. He lets out a breath, running his hand through his hair. He glances toward Keith but the guy's absorbed in reading something on his phone so Kwan looks toward me again.

"I don't know man," he whispers, exhaling heavily again. His eyebrows draw downward as he stares at the table, I guess trying to muster up the words. I know what that feels like. Kwan's fingers nervously drum on his thigh before he flicks his gaze up to mine. "My mom's kind of come around on it. I was talking to her about Jared after I got home yesterday and she was actually interested. Dad just… he walked out of the room."

I watch Kwan's expression fall and it hurts. Like, it's actually painful to see him so sad. Probably wondering, again, if there's something wrong with him. Some parents can be real assholes if their kids aren't straight like they're expected to be. It's complete bullshit.

I lift my soda from my tray and take a swig before clearing my throat as I set it back down. "You never told me how it went last night. Didn't hear a word from you all day actually." Better to turn the conversation back to Jared instead of focusing on the ugly shit.

Kwan's cheeks flush a little and he looks up at me with a smile. "It was… it was good. H-His parents were really nice," he says, biting back a grin as Blake and Jeff join us at the table. I glance toward Jeff and he looks a little hesitant as he slides into the seat next to me. So I shoot him a grin and he instantly relaxes, nudging his shoulder against mine.

"Quit hogging all the space, Baxter." Jeff steals fries off my tray and crams them into his mouth, grinning around the mouthful he's stolen. I nudge him harder than I probably should but he just retaliates with a shove of his own.

We're busy almost duking it out and trying to get the lion's share of my fries that it takes me a second to realize Kwan's spoken. His gaze is trained out toward the cafeteria when I glance at him and I follow his line of sight.

Paulina's walking with the girls from the cheerleading team, striding confidently toward our table. She doesn't look at all affected by everything we said on Saturday. I guess you get used to someone's presence because when she and the other girls breeze past our table, it takes me a second to realize she's not planning on sitting here today. I turn to watch the girls settle down at another table and whispers break out across the cafeteria.

Jeff nudges me again. "What the hell's that about?"

Kwan's staring at me too and I can tell I've even piqued Keith's interest. I glance at the three of them before I drop my gaze to the table, letting out a breath. Well, they'll find out eventually. "We kind of broke up," I tell them, rubbing at the back of my neck. The three of them take turns saying they're sorry or telling me that it's "harsh". A few questions are asked and I do my best to answer them.

Maybe it's better that I'm half-asleep today. Cause if I wasn't, I'm pretty sure Paulina's ignorance would hurt a hell of a lot more. I don't know how much hurting a person can withstand before they just break.

* * *

 

I'm at the garage after school on Tuesday and I've just finished spinning the last of the nuts back onto a hubcap when my phone vibrates. I take the time to lower the car down before I open up the text message.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Hey, I'm not busy today. Is it cool if I come by the garage so you can show me stuff about cars? Or would another day work better?** _

I text back, "today's fine" before I shove the phone away and get into the front seat of the Toyota Tacoma. I drive the truck out of the shop and into a parking space, swinging the keys around my finger as I move back into the shop to find Alex. He or Anastasia usually do the talking to the customer part. Just give me the car and I'll have it fixed. Talk to people…? Ugh.

Anastasia takes the keys from me and says she'll find the next car for me to work on in a minute, something about talking to Alex. Her hair's coming loose from her ponytail and that's never a good sign. It usually means she's stressed as fuck and she's pretty much minutes away from losing it.

She disappears to the waiting area and I chug the last of a Dr. Pepper I grabbed from the machine earlier. There's only two other cars but Alex is thinking that they'll need to be fixed tomorrow cause the customers are talking about needing to be somewhere at a specific time or something. I don't know, I barely listen to that kind of shit.

I ditch my can into the garbage when Danny's car pulls up. I see him park and he angles the rearview mirror toward himself, checking his reflection before he gets out of his car. He locks the door and tests the handle twice before he starts for the shop, jamming his keys into his front pocket. I move from my spot when he rounds the corner into the shop.

"Hey." I grin as he looks up. I gesture toward the rest of the shop. "There's not too much going on here today so if it comes to it, I can pull my car in here and show you some different shit there."

Danny pushes his hands into his pockets, a small smile tugging at his lips when he nods. There's something about his hesitant smile that makes mine grow.

"How's your day been?" I ask, folding my arms over my chest. Anastasia's taking her time with the customers and that's fine with me. Gives me a few minutes of breathing before it's back to work. Not that I don't love being under a car or fixing things. Breaks are just nice.

He shrugs, his gaze sweeping the shop before landing at my feet. "Dunno. Fine, I guess." He shifts his weight and the silence is scratching at the both of us. It reminds me of how he made me feel with that one text message, telling me that I'll get better. God, he didn't even know the fucking context and yet still made me feel less like shit.

I gesture toward my workspace and he glances up at the movement. "Wanna see some of my tools?" Least I can do is show him something if it turns out we're closing shop early. With no customers at half-past six, there's a good chance we might.

A smile tugs at his mouth again and he bites his bottom lip against it, nodding quickly as his face turns a little pink. "S-Sure, Dash."

I take the lead and show him over to where I normally work, sorting through some of the tools I could explain to him. Some of these are obvious but other ones, people would only know about if they work in a garage. Or if they're tutoring somebody like me and getting this kind of information in exchange.

"So." I drop a couple of the wrenches back into my toolbox and flick my gaze toward Danny. "How much do you know about cars?" He's gonna be fun to educate if he's a complete novice. If he knows some shit, that's fine too. I don't need a total beginner to enjoy this.

Danny shrugs, pushing his bangs out of his eyes. "Not much," he admits, looking toward me with a sheepish smile. "Pretty much only when to come in for an oil change."

Oh my god. This is gonna be so much fun. I think it shows on my face or in my eyes because he falters a little, taking half a step back. His expression looks worried and I put my hand on his upper arm. "Dude, I'm gonna teach you so much. Like… shit man, that's really all you know?"

"Y-Yeah… I-I mean, if it s-starts to make a funny noise, I-I usually b-bring my car in but… o-otherwise, I don't know m-much else," he stammers out and I can't figure out why he's nervous. What's bugging him? Is he still worried that I'm gonna make fun of him for not knowing this shit?

His gaze drops to my hand still on his arm and that's when I feel the tension between us. It's not an uncomfortable, angry sort of tension. It's… different. Kind of makes the pit of my stomach warm and I all but rip my hand away from him, jerking my fingers through my hair.

Fuck, I don't mean to make him nervous. I don't know why he is but it's cause of me. Should I be more cautious around him because of my friends? Because he's afraid of how I might react based on them? God, why the hell is this so hard?

"S-Sorry," Danny whispers, taking a small step away from me and I turn toward him just in time to watch his head lower. Like some kind of kid that's about to get the biggest lecture of his life. I don't know why that look on him feels wrong but I hate it.

"No," I say before I've finished thinking. I reach out to touch him again and he looks up at the movement. My hand hovers in midair for a second or two before I drop it to my side again, immediately sliding it into my pocket. He shouldn't be sorry. He didn't do anything. "I didn't mean to… upset you." I don't know if that's the right word for the way that he's acting but I don't know what else to say.

Danny shakes his head and lets out a breath, staring down at the concrete of the shop. I'm wracking my brains, trying to come up with some fucking way to fix this. To get rid of that tension between us and go back to the way it was just a few minutes ago. Of course, I come up empty and he eventually speaks because I don't.

"It's not… I don't mind being touched if that's what you're thinking," he says, his voice quiet, and it's exactly what I was thinking. It only makes sense. He was fine and as soon as I put my hand on him, he wasn't anymore. "That's not it at all. It's just…"

He looks up at me now, his face red and I can't figure out why he's embarrassed. What is he thinking that could easily turn his cheeks that shade? Is he thinking I'm about to make fun of him again? I don't want to do that. I'm not gonna do that. "Dash, I-"

"Yo, Baxter!" Anastasia's voice rings out in the shop, interrupting Danny. His gaze darts to where the voice came from and lingers on her for a minute before dropping to the floor. I only watch him for a few more seconds before I look over my shoulder.

Anastasia tosses a pair of keys toward me and I catch them easily, raising an eyebrow at her in silent question. "Car down on East Ridgeneeds towing. Drive over there and bring it in. Alex and I are gonna finish these two cars and close up shop. You just let yourself in and park the car, alright?" She blinks, finally glancing from me to Danny. "Can I help you?"

Danny makes a small squeak and shakes his head. I don't want to make him any more uncomfortable so I speak for him. "He's a friend of mine, 'Stasia. Text me the area where the car is?" I ask and she nods, heading toward the office.

It takes me a couple of seconds before I have the nerve to turn back to Danny. He looks at me for two seconds before darting his gaze away, letting out a small breath as he does. This is shitty. I didn't mean to make him feel like this and now he does and I don't know how to help him and fuck.

"You wanna… ride along with me?" I ask, gesturing toward the back of the shop where I know the truck is parked. He can't see it but I hope he gets what I'm asking. I don't want the first time he decides to trust that I won't mock him to turn out like this. I don't even know what I did wrong, I just know I want to fix it.

Danny smiles. It's small and hesitant but he fucking smiles. His gaze lifts to mine and he nods. "Yeah, sure." His expression lightens just a little and his smile is a bit wider. Fuck, am I actually fixing whatever the hell I did wrong?

I return the smile and gesture toward the back of the shop. "Come on, it's just outside." We're quiet as we leave the shop and I think it's a nervous habit of mine to swing the keys as I walk cause I do it without thinking. Whatever, I can analyze the fuck out of that later.

I'm not sure why but I feel the need to open Danny's door for him. "Passenger door sometimes sticks," I tell him and it's a complete fucking lie. I make a show of struggling to open it though and he smiles at me again before climbing inside. I wait until all of his limbs are inside the car before I shut the door, heading around to my side as quickly as I can move. Why does my stomach feel like a thousand butterflies are loose in there?

"Do you normally tow cars?" Danny asks when I get in the driver's seat. I glance toward him and shrug, sliding the keys into the ignition. I turn the car on and buckle my seatbelt before responding.

"Not really," I tell him, backing out of the parking space. "Alex does it typically. Keith sometimes. I like fixing the cars, I'm not usually the guy jumping to go and pick one up." I don't have anything against driving out to pick one up, but I prefer staying in the shop.

Danny leans back in the passenger seat with a nod, turning his gaze out the window as I pull out of the parking lot. The truck runs smoothly even on the potholed back roads leading from Alex's garage and I wish I could find something to talk about with Danny. This awkward silence is starting to kill me.

"Are you working anywhere?" I ask and he shrugs before the question is even fully out of my mouth. I guess he gets asked that a lot. Jesus, what else do I ask about. "Uh… when did you move up to AP algebra?"

He glances back at me with a patient smile. "Dash, you don't have to make small talk. It's okay." Danny holds my gaze when I look at him again and it should really ease the butterflies in my stomach. But it doesn't and I don't know what the hell that means but I nod, turning my attention back to the road.

It's only silent in the truck for a few minutes before my phone vibrates in my pocket. The sensation startles me a little and I let out a low breath, digging it out with one hand. I set it down in the center console and gesture to it. "Can you… open up the text from Anastasia? I need to know where I'm going for this car."

Danny hesitates a few seconds before lifting my phone from the console. His thumb slides across the screen and I hear the hitch in his breath.

"Zero, one, zero, four," I recite before he has to ask for my passcode. It's the same four digits I found myself writing for most of my homework assignments and tests last semester. I couldn't help it, the day was burned into my brain. The day mom left.

Danny exhales slowly. "D-Do you want me to read out the directions too? S-She says it's near The Sushi Express."

I shake my head, knowing exactly where the car is now. That intersection is the cause of a lot of accidents. Probably a reason why our business is still running. Can't even remember how many cars we get in cause of accidents but I know it's a hell of a lot.

Danny sets my phone between us gently and I can feel the hesitation in his every movement. I don't know if that still has to do with whatever happened back at the shop, but it's making me nervous. I shouldn't have invited him to come along with me. He's only here because he feels like he should be. Cause I asked him to be. Fuck, he doesn't want to be here at all.

"Dash?" he asks, interrupting my inner monologue. I think I glance at him but my eyes are on the road pretty quickly again and my heart's pounding and fuck. I'm panicking. I'm driving and I can't breathe and holy shit, I can't do this.

Danny slowly reaches out toward me and touches the back of my hand with the tips of his fingers. It's a delicate movement and it causes a shaky breath to escape from me. "Dash, pull over." His voice is steady when he speaks and it's pretty much the exact opposite of what I feel.

This time, I actually do look toward him. Fuck, why am I panicking again? This is a normal situation, why am I freaking out like this? Nothing's wrong and I know that but I still can't get a fucking grip or breathe anymore.

His expression is kind as he repeats it. "Pull over."

I do. I ease the car onto the side of the road but I don't take my hands off the steering wheel. If I do, they'll start shaking and Danny will see how pathetic I am. Again. And I don't think some fancy-ass breathing trick is gonna fix me this time.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Danny asks and god, I want to. I wanna spill my fucking guts and tell him everything. All about my mom and how lost I've been since she left me. About my dad and how I don't know how the fuck to deal with this side of him. And how this job at the garage is the only good thing going for me right now. Without this, I'm just an angry kid that's good at throwing a football.

But it's not okay for me to just dump all my fucking shit on Danny. He never asked for any of this and he doesn't even want to be here right now. If I weren't so goddamn selfish, I'd just tell him to go home. I'd turn the damn car around and take him back to the garage so he doesn't have to deal with me right now.

I shake my head as a breath escapes me and Danny nods, settling back into his seat pretty easily. His arms fold over his chest as he shrugs in response. "That's okay. I don't really like to talk about my shit either."

How is he so calm right now? I feel like I'm gonna have a heart attack. Or maybe I am having a heart attack. Damn, my chest is aching. What was that breathing trick Danny taught me in the nurse's office? How does it go again?

My hands leave the steering wheel to run through my hair and yeah. They're shaking. I'm gonna puke. I'm literally about to projectile vomit all over the inside of this truck and goddammit, I wish I could just calm the fuck down. Normal people don't act like this. Be normal. Just fucking be normal.

"H-How do you do this?"

I didn't mean to say it but the broken, pathetic whisper leaves my mouth before I can stop it. I want to take it back. I can't ask him something like that. It's not his job to fix me. Or to even attempt to. It's my job. It's my fucking job to put myself back together and I suck at it.

"It's gotten better over the years," Danny says, sinking down further in his seat with an exhale. I don't let myself look toward him. I don't deserve an answer and yet, I can't tell him that. I can't get my mouth to work long enough for me tell him that he doesn't have to tell me this. "Especially after finally started medication."

I exhale and I hate the way it shakes. "Y-You're on medication?" I don't really mean to question it or force him to talk about it but I speak before I've finished thinking it through and then it's too late to take back. God, why can't I ever just shut the fuck up?

Danny undoes his seatbelt and leans over to put the truck in park. With a soft exhale, he leans back in his seat, glancing my way once. I want to look back at him and see the expression on his face but I don't. "Yeah. Took me a long time to convince my parents to let me try it. They thought I was just being difficult," he says with a short, humorless laugh. I don't know if it's just a noise to him or if he's trying to play it off as funny but that doesn't sound funny to me.

"Th-They didn't want you to… get rid of this?" I ask, forcing myself to look his way. I don't let my gaze lift to his but at least I'm sort of facing him. Even if my hands are clenched around my hair and I'm struggling to breathe right.

He shrugs. "That's not really it. They didn't…." Danny sighs, glancing out the window and suddenly, I don't want to hear this. I don't want to know what his parents believed or whatever they said to him about this. It's not really my place to ask him about his family and I don't want to hear about someone making him suffer. I don't like the images it brings to my mind.

"I-I'm sorry." I turn away from him again and return my shaking hands to the steering wheel, clenching them so fucking tight, I can't tell if they're trembling anymore. I don't want to hear it if Danny's parents were anything like my dad is about this kind of shit.

Danny shakes his head and lets out a small breath. "Try to calm your breathing, Dash, it'll help. Breathe in to the count of seven, hold for four, breathe out to the count of eight. Seven, four, eight."

He shrugs when I glance at him but I do it. I draw in oxygen and hold how he's told me to do. It doesn't make the feeling in the pit of my stomach go away but at least I'm not hyper-ventilating anymore. At least the shaking in my hands seems to calm down a little. I'm able to loosen my grip without my weakness being on display for him again.

I'm rewarded with a smile and I don't feel like I deserve it. Normal people should be able to breathe normally and have conversations without freaking the fuck out. Is this how it's always gonna be for me?

"How do you do this?" I ask again and this time, I don't regret it. I want to know. I need to know how he gets through each day knowing that tomorrow's gonna be the same damn thing. "How do you do this every day and not go insane?"

I don't know what I'm expecting. I guess I was hoping that he has some secret way to deal with everything and that I just need to be let in on it. Or maybe I just wanted him to be able to help me feel less pathetic every time this happened. Maybe I wanted to think that there was a way to handle this shit without it happening again just a few days later. I guess I expected some kind of magic and instead, Danny just tells me the truth.

"Honestly… I don't know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's your week been? Thanks for the comments you've all been leaving, I super appreciate it.
> 
> Poor Dash. Berating yourself for having anxiety while having an anxiety attack is pretty harsh. ...I'm not sorry though. At least he's got Danny there to help him, yeah? Speaking of, the actual return of Danny is here! Told you guys he was coming pretty soon. Also RIP Dash for going in to school with no sleep, like been there man.
> 
> And what about that snub from Paulina? Like ouch, poor Dash. I know some of you think Paulina's being a bitch and like hell yeah, she is. But I'm also aware of why she acts the way that she does and I'm on the other side of the screen reading your reviews like, "But just waaaaait" Also, Kwan has so much shit coming, I feel so bad for him already, omg. Don't hate me when the angst gets to him too. Even though, let's be honest, it's kind of already started for him.
> 
> Not entirely sold on this chapter title, it's just kind of like 'alright, yeah, that's a thing'. No song lyric for this chapter but this YouTube artist, Tessa Violet, just released her newest single called "Dream". Duuuudes. The song is so good. The music video is pretty cool like visually but the song is what gets me man. Check it out if you've never heard of her, it's awesome.
> 
> Shorter author's note this week since I'm posting this instead of getting work done, lmao. I really shoulda picked the weekend to post these instead... like Saturday maybe. What do you guys think? I really like it being during the week so it's like, if you guys have a shitty day at school or work, there's Dash waiting on you. Granted, there's almost always some abuse going on with Dash but still.
> 
> Anyway, hope you guys liked this chapter, thanks for reading and leaving your reviews. I'll see you next week!


	21. Bye, Bye Miss American Pie

Danny says to give myself some more time but I force myself to start driving after another couple of minutes. There's no point in wasting his whole goddamn night while I try to pull myself together. Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with me?

We finally locate the car that needs towing in the area Anastasia texted me about and I park the truck, twisting the keys from the ignition. The silence is heavy between us and I wish it wasn't so awkward. I'd love to be able to just talk with him. Not have any of this damn awkwardness between us.

"So… uh… you want me to show you how to tow a car?" I ask, jerking my thumb toward the car behind us. Danny glances toward me with a smile, nodding. It eases the tension in the pit of my gut but I don't really waste time thinking about it. I unlock my door and step out onto the pavement, scratching at the back of my head with one hand.

Just as Danny opens the door, I remember what I said about the door sticking sometimes but thankfully, he's not focused on that. He just gives me a smile so I slam my door closed and start for the broken down car.

Danny follows me over to the car and I kneel in front of the bumper, pointing to an area just out of view. "They're kind of hard to see but there are two tow hooks under there. That's what you hook up the arm to so you can tow it." As soon as the words leave my mouth, I realize how stupid I sound and I exhale, running a hand through my hair.

Thankfully, he's kinder than I would be to someone that sounded like that much of an idiot. "Right, that makes sense." He kneels next to me, placing a hand on the bumper. "So, can you tell what's wrong with it before you bring it into the shop?"

I shrug, rising to my full height before I turn back to the sling bar, positioning it under the front of the car. Danny helps me lower it when he realizes what I'm trying to do. I'll need to back the truck up a little more but I can handle that in a minute. "At this point, your guess is as good as mine. I mean…if it was banged up, that'd probably be the reason. But, for all we know right now, this could be as simple as a dead battery or some shit like that."

Danny nods, retreating back a few steps to lean against the truck. He folds his arms over his chest as I continue to move around the car, inspecting it for any kind of obvious damage. "Could also be a couple of blown tires or something," I call over my shoulder. I crouch on the side of the car, checking for any kind of tire damage. "Could you give me a hand?"

I stand again, moving toward him as I dig the keys out. "I need to back the truck up until the sling bar is underneath the car as far as it can go. Can you watch and tell me when it's under there?"

"Yeah, sure," he responds, moving away from the back of the car. I climb into the driver's side and start the car, rolling my window down as soon as I turn the engine on. Danny gives me a thumbs up when I poke my head out of the window and I slowly ease the car back, watching to make sure I'm not about to hit the car. When I see Danny's hand raise higher in the air, I stop, turning the engine off again.

I slam the door closed behind me and shove the keys into the depths of my pockets. "Thanks." I pass by Danny and move back to the car. I grab the J-hook off the back of the truck and secure it around the axle of the vehicle. "So, you see, this bar here's gonna help lift the car but you want to make sure you've actually got this car secure so it doesn't go rolling off while you're hauling it in. Last thing you wanna do is cause an accident with a towed car. The owners would probably kill you."

Danny laughs and it makes me hesitate in my work. I don't think I've ever heard him laugh. Or if I have, it's never sounded like that. It's a free kind of laugh. One that people would normally hush up in the presence of others. I don't know why but it makes the back of my neck feel hot.

My fingers are clumsy as I grab the chain from the J-hook and secure it to the left side of the sling bar. I don't think this shakiness is the same kind I experienced on the drive over. This one is more nervous because I'm around Danny and I don't know why the fuck he makes me nervous. I thought it was the other way around.

"A-Anyway," I mumble, gesturing to what I just did. "Y-You see these hooks behind the bar? That's where you're gonna secure this chain."

I get another nod from Danny and he folds his arms over his chest as I finish up. I could explain but I'm kind of losing my nerve to talk. I don't really want him to pick up on the fact that he makes me nervous. That's not really something I'm interested in exploring right now.

Once I've finished with the car, I gesture to the truck again. "Now we just gotta haul it back in to the shop. From there, we can diagnose what's wrong with it and figure out where to go from there. Though we'll be waiting until tomorrow to fix this cause we gotta talk to the owner first."

We climb into the truck again and we're both settled before I turn the car on. Thankfully, I'm not as nervous on the drive back and Danny suggests putting the radio on. I let him fiddle with the dial until he finds a station he likes. Something playing makes him grin and he gestures to the speakers.

"I love this song!" he says, pointing wildly as the music builds. I don't recognize it but it sounds like some kind of country song. Or something old as dirt. Either way, with the grin on Danny's face, I wouldn't touch that dial for anything.

He makes me laugh when he starts rocking out on the air guitar and singing loudly off-key. "Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry! Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye, singing this'll be the day that I die!"

Something about the lyrics sounds familiar but I'm too caught up watching Danny's impromptu performance to pay them any kind of attention. God, the look on his face is hilarious as he continues to rock out, singing out the only part I can remember.

"We started singing bye bye miss American pie," he croons out, his fist a fake microphone in front of his mouth. He throws his all into what I guess is the chorus of this song and I can't help but laugh along. I can't remember the last time I had this kind of carefree interaction with anyone. Part of me is so fucking glad it's with Danny.

Once we get back to the shop, I get out to unlock the front of the garage and have Danny back the truck inside. He parks it in the spot I indicate and kills the engine once the car's inside the lines. He climbs out of the truck and I take the keys from him, dropping them onto the nearest surface I can find.

"So you just kinda reverse the process of hooking it up to get to off the truck?" Danny asks and I nod, stooping down to do that. He leans down and I show him where to unhook the chain. He gets it on the first try and I have to admit, I'm a little impressed. For the first couple of times Alex let me do it, I had to hunt for the damn hooks to take the chain off or put it on. Damn, first try.

He turns toward me with a triumphant grin and I can't help but return it. "So that's it then?" he asks and I nod, gesturing toward the truck.

"Yeah, after this, you just pull the tow truck around to the back again. But I'll get that in a little while," I tell him and he nods, glancing around the shop. Evening's really set in now and the sky's losing the light. It creates shadows on Danny's face when he turns toward the open door to the garage.

I want to ask him if this was okay. If this counts as teaching him shit about cars. Even though I panicked on the way over. Even though there wasn't much to tell him and even though I really suck at explaining things. I want to ask, but I don't.

"Thanks, Dash," he says before I can come up with something to say. He turns toward me, giving me a smile that's half stolen by the dark of the garage. "I had fun today."

He had fun? Even after putting up with my shit? I don't really know what to think. Ordinarily, I'd call bullshit but he has the biggest fucking smile on his face. I don't want to watch that disappear. "Alright man, cool. I'll come by your place after practice?"

There's a flash of discomfort that crosses Danny's face but it disappears almost instantly and he smiles, nodding. "Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow, Dash."

* * *

 

I make a fucking incredible score during practice on Wednesday and it keeps me fired up even throughout my shower and putting up with the guys shit in the locker room. It makes it easier to pass by the cheerleading team without looking at Paulina. Well… not entirely. I do glance her way for a second but that second's all I'll let myself have. I don't think about the things she said to me in the garage or the way her hair feels between my fingers or the fact that her kisses are the best when we're both drunk and hazy and… fuck.

Whatever. I can deal with all that shit another day. Right now, I've just gotta drive to Fenton's place and not lose brain cells working through this homework. I swear, my teacher hates me this year. He had to know it was game week, he laid it on thick on purpose.

Danny's house is pretty far from the school and I guess I figured it'd be in some kind of neighborhood but it's not. It's a nice place but there's nothing around it. Not for at least half a mile on either side. It's literally in the middle of a stretch of land and I'm not sure what I was expecting. This definitely isn't it though.

I triple check the text Danny sent me to make sure I've pulled up outside the right place before I get out of my car. I glance around the area one more time before I slam my door closed and sling my backpack onto my shoulder, walking the stretch of sidewalk leading to the front door. This is weird. Who the hell decided to build a house out in the middle of nowhere in a tiny town? Is his family rich or some shit?

Danny appears at the door after I ring the bell and he pushes open the screen. "Hi," he says, a smile hesitant on his lips but at least it's there. I give him one back and it actually doesn't feel forced. I like seeing him smile. It makes me want to. Which is weird as fuck but whatever.

"How were your classes?" I ask more out of the fact that I can't think of anything else to say. But there's a part of me that's curious. I want to know how his day's been.

Danny shrugs, running a hand through his hair with an exhale. "They were fine. Pop quiz in history but I think I did okay," he says, leading me further into the house. I kick my shoes off near the door before he has to tell me to and he's still got that smile on his face when I look back at him.

He glances behind him before gesturing toward the stairs. "Um… I-I've just gotta grab my books. You can come up with me if you want to…" Danny fidgets for a second and I drop my bag by the door.

"Sure." I follow after him up the stairs and from half-way up, I can see the size of the living room. It's bigger than the dining room and living room put together in my place. Holy shit. His family's gotta be rich.

Danny leads me onto a landing. "That used to be my sister's room but it's just kind of got stuff shoved into it now," he says, pointing toward a closed door. "My room's through here." He twists open a door handle and we continue down a short hallway before we're in front of his door. There's a faded sticker of a rocket in the center of it and I guess that should really clue me in to what's on the other side.

His room is nice. Nothing like mine. Where mine is bare and full of shit I don't even use anymore, his place looks like he takes care in choosing what to display. There's a map of the galaxy on the wall above his bed and I'm willing to bet that at some point in his life, he had glow in the dark stars on his ceiling.

A miniature replica of the Hubble Telescope stands on one corner of the bookshelf closest to his bed and I wonder if he built that. It doesn't look like something you could buy anywhere. He seems like the kind of person that would spend his free time putting shit like that together. I can picture him in his bedroom during the summer with the window's open so the breeze can reach him as he pours over instructions squished onto a piece of paper included. I can see him pushing his bangs out of his eyes as sweat runs down the back of his neck, his gaze flicking from the pieces spread across his bedroom carpet and the instructions.

"I-It's kind of obvious that I'm interested in astronomy, huh?" Danny asks suddenly, startling me out of my inner thoughts. He looks apologetic when he realizes he startled me but I shrug it off.

"Kinda, yeah," I respond, finally sweeping my gaze around the rest of his room. There are a lot of books about space crowding his bookshelf and squished into various places around his room. I can see one tucked underneath the edge of his pillow like he reads it before he falls asleep or something.

Danny rifles through his backpack to find his algebra notebook before he gestures to the door again. "W-We should probably study downstairs."

I don't really question it, I just follow him out of his room and back down the stairs. His uneasiness is obvious to anyone with eyes and I feel weird about taking up his time right now. I mean… I know we planned this day but I feel bad. There's probably a lot more shit he could be doing instead of tutoring a dumb jock.

"Listen man… i-if you don't want to do this anymore, I can ask Kwan for his algebra notes. He'd give them to me no problem," I say and Danny's already shaking his head before I finish.

He plops down at the kitchen table and flips open the notebook without another word. So I leave the kitchen to get my backpack. There's definitely better things he could be doing with his time but if he wants to spend it tutoring me, who am I to say no? Plus, I could really use the help this time. My teacher is definitely a sadist.

* * *

 

Within the first twenty minutes, I get completely turned around on the first two problems and I've clearly forgotten everything he taught me last time. This should be easy but of course, I make a mess of it and end up scribbling all over my page doing various addition. Danny repeatedly tells me that it's okay but I doubt he's ever had to explain the basics again to the same person within a week. I'm just a fucking moron. I scrub my eraser against the paper again, hoping I don't accidentally go through it.

"Okay, how about I try something else," Danny says, abruptly flipping the page of the notebook. I look up at him but he ignores me, spreading the notebook open again. He quickly doodles out an image of what I guess is a football field with a couple of players scattered across it. "So. Let's say you're playing a football game, yeah?"

He marks over several of the stick figures, asking me how many points my team would need to score if we were two touchdowns behind the visiting team. Every time I respond, he marks it down and adds little notes next to it. When I'm finished explaining about the PAT and the touchdown versus getting several field goals in order to catch up, I realize he's marked all of it down and the answer's basically staring me in the face.

Danny beams when I scribble down my answer. "That's right!" His fingers brush by mine as he points to part of the equation. I think he starts explaining how to apply that same logic to future problems but I don't hear him. I'm distracted by the sensations running through my fingers and my mind is wondering if he's feeling them too.

"Dash, did you get any of that?" he asks and I can finally hear him again. His smile is kind but there's worry in his eyes. Like he's afraid maybe what happened in the truck the other day is happening again and judging from his hesitancy to touch me, that's probably exactly what he's thinking.

I shake my head, mostly to clear away everything running through my mind, and wet my lips with my tongue. "S-Sorry. Kinda blanked, can you say that again?"

He starts to explain it again and I catch the first part of it but someone clears their throat from behind us. We both turn in our chairs at the same time and I watch Danny's shoulders fall. He looks like this is the last thing he wanted to happen and I'm trying to figure out if that's his dad or just an older brother. Holy fuck, he's huge. This guy could probably snap me in half. And that'd be impressive cause I'm pretty built.

Danny exhales shakily, leaning back in his seat. "S-Sorry, dad. Are we being too loud?"

The guy, his dad, shakes his head, glancing between the two of us. "You didn't tell me you were having friends over." He looks at me with an oversized grin. It feels misplaced next to the slight scowl on his kid's face. "Hi, I'm Jack Fenton."

Suddenly a hand is extended toward me and I shake it without hesitation. I glance toward Danny halfway through, expecting him to be wearing an expression akin to betrayal but he's not. He's just looking between us like he's trying not to care.

"Dash Baxter, sir," I tell his dad, watching as he tries to work out where he's heard my name from. "I'm the quarterback for the Ravens."

Everyone in this town knows the football team and he's no different. His face lights up with recognition and he easily bobs his head in response. "Ahh, that's right! How's that going this year? There's a game on Friday, right?"

I nod, stealing another glance toward Danny. His gaze is focused on the table and I feel guilty. There's got to be a reason why he looked so dejected when his dad came into the room, right? This guy may not be anything like my dad, but there's gotta be a reason for the way Danny's acting.

"It's going well, sir," I respond before gesturing toward the books spread across the table. "It'll continue to go well if I keep my grades up."

Jack's gaze finally falls onto the books on the table and his grin is almost concerning. Especially with the way Danny shrinks down in his chair. Like he knows what comes after that grin.

"Ahh, Danny's a genius. Just like his sister." His dad takes another step toward us and leans over to tousle Danny's hair. I catch the way Danny leans away from the touch and he seems to shrink further into his seat when his dad withdraws his hand but Jack doesn't seem to. Danny's obviously uncomfortable, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. I can tell by the way his leg's started to tremble under the table. At the angle his dad's at, he probably can't see it. But our legs are close to each other's and I can feel the vibrations as his knees bump mine every few seconds.

Jack looks between the two of us again and I can feel the awkward tension in the air. I used to be good at small talk with people but I think I've lost the ability. Or maybe I just want him to get lost so Danny will stop shaking and I can ask him what to do to make him feel better. I want to make him feel better and I don't even care anymore if my homework gets done.

"Well, I'm headed back downstairs. You boys let me know if you need anything," Jack says, passing by us again. He glances over his shoulder and gives us both a smile, his gaze flicking toward Danny. "Love you, kiddo."

He's gone just like that and I watch the doorway for a few seconds until I look toward Danny. His gaze is on mine but he quickly looks away from me. His other leg has joined in the tremor party and his breathing is a little shaky. God, I wish I was good with words. I'd know exactly what to say to get him to relax. Just like how he always knows how to help me. I haven't been keeping count but he's gotta have saved my ass at least three times.

"Danny-"

He scoots his chair back abruptly, cutting off what I was still trying to figure out how to say. Danny's gaze sweeps around the kitchen and lands on the fridge. "You want something to drink?" he asks, not waiting for an answer before he's stalking across the kitchen. His hands shake as he turns the faucet on and sticks his palms under the spray. The water splashes up onto his wrists and he can barely shut the water off, his fingers are twitching so much.

My chair is quiet when I leave it. My footsteps are light but I know he picks up on it. He doesn't look at me when I come to stand next to him and slowly, I place my hand over top his, shutting off the flow of water. His hand trembles beneath mine and I can hear his breathing in the quiet of the kitchen.

I'm not good with words. I'm bad at telling people that things are gonna be okay cause I barely believe it. But Danny's trembling and I don't want him to be. I hate that he experiences that same fear in the pit of his stomach that I do.

"What can I do to help you?" I ask him, keeping my tone gentle. I don't want to speak too loud or quickly and risk scaring him off. Even with the extra caution, he still flinches away, pulling his hand from under mine.

He's shaking his head but no words are leaving his mouth. He keeps opening his mouth and closing it again but he doesn't say anything. His eyes are wide and god, he looks fucking terrified. What do I do? What would I want him to do?

"I-It's okay," I tell him, keeping my voice soft as I take a step closer to him. His wild-eyed gaze meets mine for a split second and he's shaking his head again. His hands go to his head and he's grabbing handfuls of his own hair, his eyes squeezed shut like he's in pain.

Danny sucks in a lungful of air but it sounds choked. Like if he breathes in too deeply, he'll break apart and his pieces will scatter across the kitchen floor. God, I'd fucking sweep them up if he needed me to. I can't take this – I hate seeing him in so much pain.

"It's gonna be okay," I tell him and he shakes his head, a pained gasp leaving him. His eyes open and he meets my stare, shaking his head.

"N-No, it's not," he says softly and looks away from. His hands are still shaking but he drops them from his hair and takes a step away from me. There's distance between us again and I want to close it. I know what it's like to push everyone away while you quietly break down. Fuck, I don't want that for him. I don't want him to think that he has to hide his pain.

Danny turns his back to me and opens up a cabinet over his head. His fingers tremble as he takes down two glasses and sets them on the counter. His breathing is still erratic and if this were anyone else, I'd let him pretend. I'd laugh along to every joke he made and neither of us would bring up the fact that his fingers are twitching and he's breathing like he's dying.

But I feel like maybe I could help him. Danny's definitely not as fucked up as I am and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. But he's hurting and I know what that feels like. I can help him. If he wants my help, he can have it. I don't even want anything in return. Well… that's not true. Seeing a smile on his face would be nice.

"Danny, it's okay. You don't have to pretend that you're okay," I tell him, unable to move toward him. I want to brush my fingers against his again and make him forget about his dad. Or whatever's clouding up his mind. I don't want whatever's in his brain to terrify him this much. "I get it. More than anyone. It's so much easier to pretend that you're okay but – god, Danny that never works. You just get good at lying to yourself."

He shakes his head and lets out a shaky breath before turning back toward me. He shifts from foot to foot before gesturing toward the fridge. "There's s-some soda in the fridge, l-lemme show you what we have."

I can't stop myself. I grab his arm as he passes by me and his gaze meets mine again. His cheeks are flushed pink and I wish he wasn't embarrassed by this. I get it. I fucking get it so much and it's okay. I don't care if he panics or if he trembles or if he's too terrified to tell me what's on his mind. I just want him to feel less alone.

"You don't have to do this," I say and he slowly draws in a breath. "Something's fucking with you and you don't… you don't have to pretend with me."

Danny's face colors even more and I let go of his arm. If he still doesn't want to talk about it, that's his decision to make. But at least now he knows the door's open if he ever needs to talk to me. I'm someone that gets it and I hope he remembers that.

* * *

 

We almost dance around each other in the kitchen as he points out the different sodas he has in the fridge. He drags the Mountain Dew out and pours us both a generous amount, twisting the cap back onto the bottle before putting it in the fridge again.

His hands are still shaking but his breathing is slowly returning to normal. I don't think caffeine is the best thing for him to have immediately following that but who am I to judge? I do that shit all the time.

"S-So, we were on problem three," Danny says, sinking down into his chair. I join him, setting my glass down before plopping down into my chair with an exhale. I don't really care about my homework anymore, I just want to make sure he's okay. But if this is a good distraction for him, I'm in no rush to take it away.

Danny explains the rest of my math to me over the next hour, occasionally referencing football to explain something. The first ten minutes are painful because I just want to ask him if he's okay. Multiple times, I have to force myself to focus on what he's saying and not on the way his fingers still tremble around the pencil's he's holding or how his right leg is twitching just slightly more than his left.

Eventually, I start to grasp everything again and he's patient with me as I do. Thankfully, it doesn't take me too long to be able to answer the problems on my own and by then, his shaking has stopped. He's smiling widely every time I give the correct answer and he only has to help me work through the second to last before we're done.

I sit back in my chair, tossing my pencil onto the book with an exaggerated sigh. Man alive, it feels good to be done with that shit. It's been tormenting me since last night and my teacher will probably dump more on us tomorrow. Whatever, I can deal with that when it comes. Danny said it was cool if I texted him for math help.

"Damn. Thanks man, I wouldn't have gotten this without you," I tell him and it's the truth. There's no way I would have been able to figure out even one problem without Danny. Guy's a fucking genius and I'm beyond jealous. I wish I could whiz through math like he can.

Danny smiles, nodding as he folds the notebook closed again. "Any time really," he says softly. He pushes the notebook toward the center of the table with an exhale and neither one of us make a move to end this tutoring session. The work's done now and I'm starving. I should just tell him I'll see him tomorrow but I don't want to leave. And not just because of his shaking earlier. I just don't want to leave him yet. It's nice to have someone that doesn't think I'm an idiot when it comes to math.

I shift my pencil out and close the book, cracking my neck. "Seriously, you make it look easy, Danny. I really appreciate your help." I glance toward him and he nods again, resting his chin on his arms. His eyes are sad. Really fucking sad and I wish I could help him.

He turns his head away from my gaze and exhales heavily. "You should probably get going… I'm sure you have stuff to do before the day's done," Danny says and I don't think I've ever heard someone sound as empty as he does now. He's clearly not okay and I don't want to leave him like this. Like maybe next time we see each other, the sadness will be just under the surface of his skin, etched forever in his bones. I can help him. I know I can. I just don't know how.

"You wanna grab a burger or something? I'm starving," I say and he exhales softly.

Danny shakes his head when he looks back to me. "Thank you. But there's leftover's in the fridge. Probably some stuff I could make if I feel like it," he tells me and the smile he gives me isn't convincing at all. I wonder how many people are fooled by that smile. How many people see that shape to his lips and assume it's happiness. If they looked at him long enough, they'd know it's a mask, cause his real smile is like he harnessed the goddamn stars in one expression.

He only lets me analyze his facial expressions for another second or two before he rises from his chair with a sigh. "Come on, I'll walk you out."

Danny waits while I put my shoes on and follows me out of the house after I pick my backpack up. His arms are crossed and his steps hesitant but still, he follows after me. I deliberately slow my pace until we're walking side by side yet we both stay quiet. At this point, I can't think of anything to say that I haven't already second guessed myself on a million times so I stay silent.

The sky's lost most of the light and the sun's already gone. I don't even know what time it is, I just know that I'm hungry and yet, I don't want to leave. I wish I could help him. Make him see that it's okay to panic or whatever the hell he needs to hear. He's fucked up like me but he's not hopeless. Danny could never be hopeless.

"So, I'll uh… I'll see you at the game, right?" I ask him and he nods, his gaze shifting from me back out into the empty acres of land. I want to ask him about this place, why they bought it out in the middle of nowhere, but I don't. I hate that faraway look in his eyes cause I know he's thinking about painful shit. The kind of stuff that keeps him up late at night and stains his pillow with teardrops. I hate that he has that kinda shit to think about. I don't know why I bring it up but I do.

"Bunch of us are going down to the beach after the game," I tell him and that draws his attention back to me. He blinks, I guess trying to figure out why I'm mentioning it, so I plunge on. "You should come. We're gonna spend the night at Star's beach house and get really hammered."

Danny smiles. Although it's hesitant, he still gives me a smile and I don't think it's forced. He looks like the idea of getting drunk and forgetting his problems is one he's entertained before. "Yeah?" he asks, flicking his gaze back toward his house, his eyes lingering there as he speaks. "Are you driving down there or are you guys stealing a bus again?"

There was an incident in my sophomore year involving the football team and a bus from the school. We're not really supposed to talk about it. Unofficially, it was a fucking wild night. Officially, no one could ever prove it was us.

I scratch at the back of my head, holding back a grin. "Nah… I mean, my teammates might steal one but I'm driving." There's no use fucking up so early in the year. I'll save that shit for later. I let out a breath, turning my gaze toward the sky as well. "I definitely won't be taking the bus with them."

Danny laughs and the sound draws my gaze back to him. He's smiling again and it still looks sincere. "Maybe I'll come with you," he says softly, like he's still hesitating. It makes me want to convince him all the more. Fuck whatever his parents want him to do this weekend, he just needs to get away. Spend some time outside of this town.

"If you decide to come, let me know. I'll give you first dibs on shotgun," I tell him with a grin and he laughs again, nodding.

His gaze shifts to the sky again and he's quiet for a few minutes before looking at me with another smile. "Okay then, I'll come. It sounds like fun, Dash."

I don't know why I don't get into my car or why we stand there staring at each other and grinning like two idiots but we do. And I don't make a move to end the moment. God, seeing that smile on him was worth suffering through my math. Seeing him happy makes me happy and I don't really know what to make of that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooo! You guys have a good week?
> 
> Danny's so adorable isn't he? But alas, even he doesn't escape the angst that plagues this story mwhaha... yeah, he's got some shit going on, poor thing. I mean, obviously he has anxiety, that was established earlier. But this poor child has shit going on that Dash could never imagine. What do you think about Jack? Any speculations on the interaction with him? I'd love to know what you're thinking.
> 
> What about Dash though? Trying to deal with the shit he's dealing with and really having no idea what anxiety's all about. Somehow, everything feels ten times worse when you don't know what it is you're dealing with. And once you're educated about it and recognize signs and shit, it's more like "okay yeah, that's a thing I have". I don't know, maybe that's just me.
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from the song Danny and Dash heard in the tow truck, 'American Pie' by Don McLean. If you've never heard it before, you should. It's one of the classic songs that everyone needs to hear at some point in their life. It's just iconic, and I usually don't give a shit about classic songs but this one is so... it's just great, okay? If you haven't heard it, go hear it. It's worth it, trust me.
> 
> Thank you for the comments you all keep leaving, I super appreciate it. I keep meaning to respond to some of you because you all have really fascinating opinions and insights to this story, but I always forget to actually respond. Thank you all anyway, I really do love reading what you all think and have to say with this.
> 
> Shorter author's note again cause I gotta get some actual shit done today. So, with that, I'll sign off and look forward to seeing you guys in the next chapter!


	22. Broken Quarterbacks Shouldn't Dream

_Game day._

It's the first thought on my mind when I open my eyes on Friday morning and it rides shotgun in my car on the way to school. It keeps my stomach tied up throughout my morning classes and I'm not sure why. I've never been nervous before a game. I've had my fair share of pre-game jitters and definitely during half-time when we're sucking ass but this is different.

Maybe it's because I know dad's coming tonight but my nerves are eating away at me and I can barely pay attention during my first few classes. I know biology is important to someone that wants to be a scientist or some shit but I just want to sleep so this is pretty useless to me.

Ms. Anderson calls on me twice because I'm not paying attention. After the second time, I think she gives up because I'm left to doodle in the margins of my notebook, not really hearing anything that's being said about the subject.

Every time the bell rings at the end of my classes, I'm the first one out the door and moving toward my next class. This is definitely more than pre-game jitters but I'm not panicking. I think this is just normal for someone about to play a game. Maybe…? Fuck, I don't know.

I sit with the guys at our regular lunch table and we're all discussing the game and everything. It's kind of making the whole nerves thing worse for me but I don't tell them that. No reason to bum everyone out.

The cheerleading team claims the table next to ours like they do every game day and then we're all talking. It's like nothing happened between Paulina and I as we both join in the conversation. We catch each other stealing glances at one another but I don't let my gaze linger on hers when they meet. I can't get caught up in that again. It's painful and we always somehow fuck it up. We're better off on our own. Or maybe that's just what I tell myself.

* * *

 

When algebra rolls around, my sadistic teacher decides to spring a pop quiz on us. It's really more of a test cause it has way too many questions but it's actually kind of easy. I don't know how the fuck I do it but I get through it alright. I'm the first one done and Jeff looks toward me with wide eyes, like he can't believe I'm already finished.

I shoot him a grin in response and carry my paper up to the desk. My teacher raises his eyebrows that I'm done already but he nods toward the door. I don't waste time getting back out into the hall. Last class of the day. Lancer's. As long as he doesn't assign us a paper, my weekend should be pretty fucking sweet.

There's only one other person in the hall and their head is bent low as they make serious tracks toward Lancer's classroom. It takes me a second of staring at their backpack to recognize all the space themed buttons tacked onto it.

"Hey, Danny!" I call out and he turns instantly. I hate the way his head ducks at the sound of his name and how his instant response is to clench his fists when he turns. Like some shitheads would call his name on purpose before doing something awful. Fuck, I still need to put a hurting on Blake for when he threw that ball at Danny's face.

His shoulders relax as I jog over to him. "Sorry man, I didn't mean to scare you."

Danny shakes his head, exhaling as he looks back toward the classroom. "It's fine," he blows out a breath and looks back toward me, raising an eyebrow. "Did you skip class or something? You're out pretty early."

I don't know why but I'm suddenly really fucking excited to share this news with him. "There was a pop quiz in algebra. I was the first one done with it." I know for a fact that he's the reason why I managed that but there's more to it than that. I kinda want him to be proud of me. "Pretty sure I aced that sucker."

It takes Danny a second before he realizes what I'm saying and then he's grinning too. "Dash, oh my god, that's great!" he says, stepping closer to me.

I'm not sure how it happens but I take a step closer to him and his arms slide around me as he laughs. I fit him against my chest and it feels right. Like he's the only person in the world I could never refuse a hug from. God, his arms wrapping around my back feels nice.

"I'm sure you did great, Dash, I'm so happy for you," Danny says, gently pulling away. He's quick to give me a smile and I guess we were both searching each other's face for signs that we overstepped. I can feel the heat on my face as I realize that for half a second, I was afraid he'd be upset with me for hugging him. I don't want to fuck this up so early. I guess we're kind of friends now. It's nice.

We make small talk about the game while we both wait for the class to end so we can go in. When the bell rings, I turn toward the door that opens immediately after the noise. Students file out and I lose track of Danny in the rush of them all.

Once everyone's filed out of the room, I start in, almost doing a double take when I catch sight of Danny already sitting at his desk near the front. How the hell did he get to his seat so fast? I could barely get through the door.

Danny looks up when I plop down next to him and I rest my forehead on my arms. Last night definitely wasn't the worst bout of insomnia but I wasn't asleep until almost two. A groan leaves me and Danny sits back in his chair.

"Something wrong?" he asks and when I turn my head toward him, he's angled his body toward me. He raises an eyebrow, sweeping his gaze up and down my frame. "You're not… sick, are you?"

I shake my head and exhale. There's still a few minutes until other people join us and even Lancer's exited the classroom. Probably to refill on coffee. If I were a teacher, I'd definitely fill up on the delicious caffeine after every period.

"No, I'm fine," I tell Danny and he seems hesitant to believe my answer. Whatever. It gets old saying I'm tired. Even if that's the truth and I'm really just fucking exhausted and nervous as hell that I'm gonna fuck up in the game tonight. I give him an over-zealous grin. "So, you excited about coming to the beach with us?"

Danny's gaze leaves mine and he sinks back in the chair. "I don't know if I will." He shrugs when I scoff. "Sorry. I just might be busy this weekend."

I sit up off my arms and he glances toward me at the movement. "Really? You weren't on Wednesday. Something change in the past twenty-four hours?"

He exhales and it sounds more irritated than I'm used to. He hasn't really gotten ticked off with me. Maybe a little at his house when I was trying to calm him down but other than that, he's been a hell of a lot calmer than I normally am.

"No, Dash," he puts emphasis on my name and turns toward me again. "Nothing's changed. I just don't know yet if I can make it. Besides… it's a football thing," he says like that decides it. He shrugs again and slouches in his seat.

"So?" I ask.

Danny rolls his eyes. "This is the first party after a game. I'm sure there'll be plenty others after this one and you're welcome to drag me to one of those." He looks away from me. "You should be with your friends after the first game."

I let out a breath that's a little shaky for no apparent reason. "You're my friend." I give him a hesitant smile when his eyebrows draw down. "And I may not know you that well but I still want you there. I don't give a fuck if you're not part of the football crowd, I'll make you part of it if that's what you want. Come on, I want you there."

He deserves a few days away. At least a night where he doesn't have to worry about the fucked up things running through his head. Or even what I've already put him through. This party's the perfect way to let him relax. No one to return to at the end of the night, just miles of sand to pass out on.

"You sure?" Danny asks, giving me a smile anyway. "I get pretty drunk from just a few beers. I don't want to ruin your night."

I roll my eyes. "Please. There's no way you're more of a lightweight than Jeff. Seriously, a sip of the shit gets him buzzed. You can't be as bad as him, trust me."

Danny laughs and he opens his mouth to say something else but his gaze darts past me. His carefree expression disappears and he looks away from me, seeming like he's gonna shrink in on himself. I hate the way sad looks on him and I turn to see what caused the change.

A couple of the guys from the team are making their way inside the classroom, messing around with each other and laughing loudly. Lancer's not back yet which means they're allowed to be as obnoxious as they want. Star and Roxane follow the guys in and I'm not sure which group is worse to put up with right now.

They both notice where I'm sitting at the same time and Jeff raises an eyebrow, immediately starting toward me. He claps me on the shoulder when he's near enough. "Lose your seat, Baxter?" he asks with a grin and feel bad for not returning it.

I shake my head, keeping my gaze on him, not letting myself look over my shoulder to see how Danny is. "Nah man. I'm sitting here today." I guess I should have expected a bit of surprise from the guys but it's actually the cheerleaders that get to me.

"What?" Roxane asks, practically stalking over to me. She glances between Danny and me before raising an eyebrow. "Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea what Paulina would say about this?" She crosses her arms and juts her hip out before continuing. "She'd kill you, Dash. You don't even remember what he did to her, do you?"

I can see Danny shrinking down in his chair out of the corner of my eye but I don't let myself look at him. I lean back in my chair and shrug. "Roxane, I really don't give a fuck what Paulina is gonna say about this." It only takes me a split second of hesitation to decide. "I'm guessing she didn't tell you that we broke up."

She narrows her eyes and scoffs. "You know what, whatever, I don't even care. Do whatever the hell you want to, just like always, Baxter." Roxane marches back to where we normally sit and plops down in a chair, digging her books out. I have no fucking clue how much Paulina's said to her but apparently, it's some shit about me cause she's way more pissed off than she has the right to be.

Jeff claps on me on the shoulder again, flicking his gaze toward Danny. "You sure you wanna sit here, man?" He nods when I do and passes by me to his chair. Blake joins him and Star passes by me with a questioning look. What-fucking-ever. I really don't care about this whole thing with Danny. What the fuck did he do that was so terrible?

I glance toward Danny and he's visibly shaking. His arms are so tense, he looks like he's about to explode. I want to say something to help him relax but I don't think there's anything I can do. His posture is rigid and I don't think he'd be as open to my shitty words of comfort as he was the other day in his kitchen.

Lancer breezes into the classroom and closes the door behind him. "Good afternoon, class. I trust you're all looking forward to the game this evening?" he asks, his eyes straying over me and my teammates. I don't know if he even goes to the games anymore but that kinda is the thing to do in this town. Maybe he's just bringing it up to make small talk.

A flurry of excited responses ripple through the room and the corners of Lancer's mouth quirk upward. "Good, glad to hear it. You'll all be writing on a timer today." He waits for the groans to pass before he nods with another smile. "I know, I know. Just be grateful I'm not giving you a paper to do over the weekend."

His gaze sweeps the room before landing on me. He smiles and beckons me forward. "Mr. Baxter, can you pass these out to everyone?" Lancer's gaze flicks above my head as he addresses the rest of the class. "Keep these papers face down until I tell you to flip them over."

I move through the room, sliding papers onto each desk I pass. I hand a stack to Jeff and even though he grumbles, he gets up and helps me pass them out. When we both return, I have two left – one for me and one for Danny. I deliberately touch his hand as I place the paper on his desk. It's hesitant and barely noticeable but Danny reacts to me. Not with his whole body and his head barely turns, but his eyes flick toward me. It's just a fleeting second but hey, at least he's looking at me again.

His gaze quickly drops to his paper when I give him a smile but by then, Lancer's started talking again so I force myself to pay attention.

"You may all flip your papers over." He waits for the rustling of papers throughout the class to die down before he speaks again, clasping his hands behind his back. "On your pages, you'll find each section numbered from one to three. You'll have fifteen minutes per section. At the end of each section, I'll tell you what to write in the next one."

Lancer walks around his desk again and slides open his drawer before sinking down in his chair. He scoots closer to his desk before extracting a timer from the drawer and sliding it shut again. "For section one, I want you to write about something you want to accomplish after high school."

He leans back in his chair and surveys the room, smiling at all of us. "You're all a bunch of bright, talented students. Write about your dreams, or your future career, or a great adventure you want to have after you've walked through these doors for the final time. Begin, you have fifteen minutes."

Lancer spins the timer and my classmates look down at their papers. I have no clue what to put down. What do I want to do after high school? Other than move out and keep my job at Alex's? Shit, I've got nothing to go on. I guess I could write about wanting to… well, shit, what do I write about?

I glance around the classroom and thankfully, everyone else is having difficulties with this too. Holy shit, what am I supposed to say? When I look to my right, I notice Danny's staring out the window, his gaze not focused on anything in particular. I wonder if he's thinking about what Roxane said. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about him, he deserves at least the weekend off from everything.

A sort of eerie silence falls over the classroom as everyone begins to write out their dreams or aspirations or whatever the hell they're doing, but I'm left staring at the blank page. I rest my elbows against the desk and prop my head in my hands, staring down at the tiny number one, wishing it held the answers I just don't have in me. I've never had to think about my future, it's kind of always been set in stone. Moving out has been my only priority but I don't know if that works. Is that okay to put down?

My fingers hesitate when I grip my pencil again and I end up just tapping the tip against the line, waiting for something to come to me. Lancer said what we want to do after high school. Not what's actually gonna happen. Guess it can't hurt to dream a little.

_After high school, I'll leave this town in my dust. Maybe I'll go pro with football, who knows? I could just play through college and start my own auto-garage after I've graduated. I could settle down after a while, start a family of my own…_ I have no idea where my train of thought is going so I stop. I consider erasing everything I've written cause no way am I ever accomplishing even half of that, but turning in a blank paper probably wouldn't go down very well with Lancer.

I don't know how long I spend staring at my words but it feels like the class should be over by the time the buzzer sounds. Shit, how has it only been fifteen minutes?

Lancer glances up at the noise and shuts it off, laying his book face down on the desk as he resets the timer. "For number two, what's one thing you want to have done by graduation day?" He hesitates a second before spinning the timer. "Put anything you want but keep it clean."

My classmates laugh and Lancer smiles, shaking his head before setting the timer down. "Your fifteen minutes start now."

I drop my gaze to my paper again, thinking over my options. I know what I could write. But fuck, I can't. I take a slow breath and catch Danny looking at me from the corner of his eye. When I glance his way, I'm surprised he doesn't immediately turn back toward the window. One corner of his mouth lifts a tiny bit and I think he's trying to encourage me. Fuck, is this as hard for anyone else?

Time passes slowly and I could swear on my life that it takes me the entire fifteen minutes to write my answer. When the timer finishes out again, I'm left staring down at five words, still warring with myself on whether or not I'm gonna erase them.

_Stand up to my dad._

Lancer's talking again and I miss half of what he's saying. I glance up, trying to figure out what he said while my brain was on vacation but the timer's been set again and everyone around me is back to writing or staring down at their pages. I lean closer to Danny and he flicks his gaze up to mine.

"I-I missed the last one," I whisper, glancing toward Lancer. He's absorbed in his book again so I don't think he's paying us any attention. I'm just about to turn my head again but I feel Danny's breath on my neck as he leans closer. I don't know why but it makes me freeze.

"He asked what we thought would hold us back from our goals," he whispers, his breath hitting the side of my face. When he leans away, I can breathe again but it sounds a little strangled. He glances at me and I shoot him a thumbs up, effectively letting him know I heard him and that while it sure sounds like it, I'm not dying. Just really unsure of why the fuck my chest is pounding like I just ran a damn marathon.

I sit back in my seat and try to get my breathing back in check. It takes me probably half of our allotted time to even remember what the hell Danny said. What's gonna hold me back? Well, my dad could crush my skull and then death would hold me back. Or I could flunk out of high school and then bummer, I'd never get to go to college. But more likely than all of that shit? Sounds depressing as fuck but the only thing standing between me and hitting the road to get out of here, is me. I'll never let myself get as far as the interstate before my car's gonna be parked in front of Alex's, begging him not to make me go.

Shit, that's depressing. I can't put that. I can't actually write 'myself' as an answer, that's stupid. And Lancer'd probably accuse me of saying so just to get out of having to finish the assignment. I don't even know if I actually want to do any of the shit I put down, I can't really say that I'm not gonna achieve my goals if I'm not even sure that I want them.

The timer goes off and it's too late. I don't have another answer. I scribble my answer on the line and that's it. I'm the only one standing in the way of getting whatever the fuck I want out of life. Who knew my English teacher doubled as a fucking therapist?

* * *

 

When Lancer lets us free, Danny's the first one out the door. While my teammates are pretty quick getting to their feet, I move faster. I throw my backpack onto my shoulders and jog out of the door before anyone else can.

I start to call out to Danny but the breath is literally knocked out of me when Blake grabs me in a headlock, calling loudly down the hall about how our last first game is tonight. I try to shove him off but he's got a good hold on me. He can be so obnoxious when he wants to be.

Thankfully, Jeff is the next one out of the classroom and he gets Blake off me. "Let him breathe, man." He slaps my teammate on the shoulder and finally, I'm released. I draw in a breath and elbow Blake in the ribs. He laughs even though I know it had to hurt, and I jog after Danny.

He's spinning the combination of his locker and glances up when he hears my footsteps. I watch his shoulder slump as I approach him and he pops open the door to his locker, not bothering to look at me. "What?"

I slow to a stop beside him and lean against the lockers next to his, exhaling heavily. "Am I gonna have to keep talking you into coming with us tonight?" I shift my backpack, the strap digging into my shoulder. "Are you seriously gonna make me do that?"

Danny rolls his eyes, pulling something out of his locker. "I'm not making you do anything, Dash." He drops a pencil down into his backpack, open at his feet, and returns to digging into his locker. He spares a glance in my direction and shakes his head. "I told you. It's a football thing."

"So?" I hook my thumbs in the straps of my backpack, giving him a grin. "You can be my honorary cheerleader."

I'm surprised by the snort that leaves his mouth and he actually smiles, though he looks pretty begrudging. He exhales softly sliding a book about space into his backpack before swinging his locker door closed again. Danny locks it up again before zipping his backpack closed, swinging the latter onto his back with a sigh.

"Fine, I'll come." He rolls his eyes at the grin on my face and we fall into step beside each other as we head for the door. I don't know why I want him there so badly but something in my gut says he could use this break, same as me. Life just gets shitty sometimes and you gotta take a nice long weekend from it. Or in my case, get really fucking drunk and stop thinking for a while.

My teammates are already outside and Danny seems to slow his pace as we near them so I gesture to my car. "I'm heading home before the game. Eat my weight in chips." I grin when he laughs and we come to a stop where he's parked, two spaces down from where I'm at. "So, you still gonna come to the game, too?"

Danny nods, unlocking his passenger door and dropping his backpack on the seat. "Yeah." He slams the door closed again and crosses in front of his car. He comes to a stop by the driver's door and pushes his hair away from his face with an exhale. His gaze drifts out into the parking lot and it falls quiet between the two of us for a few seconds.

It's weird, but I don't feel the need to break it with him. I stare out where he's looking, trying to figure out what's running through his head. Is he thinking about this weekend and already regretting agreeing to come? Or is he thinking over what Lancer had us write about in class today?

Suddenly, he turns back to me, giving me a broad smile. "See you tonight, Dash." He turns to his car, opens the door and gets into the front seat. I move out of his way and he quickly backs out of the parking space. I watch the dust clouds settle down before I move to my own car.

Something tells me that this weekend is gonna be good for him. Help ease his mind, get rid of all the tension I can see lingering on his face every time we talk. And maybe it'll do the same for me. But first things first, the game.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoo! Thanks for reading this chapter, I appreciate it.
> 
> Woo-hoo, more Danny! I always love the chapters where he's in them more. Like, yeah this is Dash's story but most of the story is about him falling totally in love with the space nerd so like, I need more Danny. I'm guessing most of you guys feel the same way too.
> 
> So, Dash convinced the nerd to come on the beach trip and it'll be a good thing. Right? Heh, riiiight.
> 
> Any ideas on why the cheerleaders hate Danny? I'd love to know your thoughts, you know I enjoy reading those.
> 
> Warning for next chapter, I know nothing about American football and I won't pretend that I do. Despite extensive research, I'm still confused but I've done what I can? I don't know you guys, I tried. That's all I can say. Fair warning that next chapter is gonna suck majorly with the game parts cause my god, the sport is confusing.
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting, you guys make me smile!


	23. The Miles Between Your Pain and Mine

I'm home and on the couch in record timing, the television playing some soap opera. It looks like some kind of hospital show but I don't care enough to figure it out. I'm more focused on my phone, vibrating like crazy in my back pocket. I shift on the couch just far enough to dig it out and see Valerie's name lighting up my screen with yet another text message.

On the television, some woman is sobbing at her dying husband's side and I spare the screen a glance before I slide my thumb across my phone and enter in my passcode. Like always, Valerie's text messages get more and more obnoxious as they go on.

**From: Valerie**

_**So I called in to work to talk to my boss about my schedule for this week and you'll never guess what he said about me working tonight** _

**From: Valerie**

_**He said that Robert's coming in which completely frees me up** _

**From: Valerie**

_**GUESS WHO'S COMING TO YOUR GAME TONIGHT?** _

Three guesses it's her. Her general enthusiasm makes me snort and I only glance at the television when the sobbing woman starts screaming at the doctor who's just walked in the room. The doctor looks like he's trying to calm the woman down and I drop my gaze back to my phone.

I type a response to Valerie first, saying how I was missing sleep over the fact that she wasn't gonna be there tonight and how I'll sleep soundly now. She responds with, "jerk" and I snort again before closing out of her text.

There's a moment of hesitation before I open up the text conversation with my dad. The only messages we really exchange are when we let each other know that we're gonna be late coming home or something. Maybe that's why I'm so hesitant to press the send button.

**To: Dad**

_**Looking forward to seeing you in the crowd tonight. My team and I are gonna kill it** _

His response is immediate and this sinking feeling grows in my gut. I toss my phone on the cushion next to me and sink down further in mine, keeping my gaze on the stupid character on the television. She's quit sobbing and she's now placing gentle kisses to her husband's face.

I don't care that tonight is the last first game I'll ever have with the Ravens, I don't want to go. I want to stay in my house all weekend and feel sorry for myself. Because god-fucking-dammit, I was really happy about dad coming tonight. He said he was going to and I guess I let myself believe him too quickly. Why the fuck would he come and see me play when he could just ruin my day with three stupid words?

**From: Dad**

_**Can't make it.** _

* * *

 

I can hear the crowd cheering and screaming as Coach Brimfield announces this year's team. The Ravens draw crowds to the stands like no other sports team in the area. There are some fans two and three towns over and I know they're in the crowd tonight. No one in this town misses the first game if they can help it.

Brimfield announces the newest players first – Toby Waterman, a freshman who earned the position of halfback; and Zeke Dillion, this year's tight end and our newest transfer student. He's only a sophomore but he's already built almost my size. Guy's gotta be on some kind of steroids.

Keith's the next one called out, still holding his position as one of the starting wide , he made the cut and I'm really glad he did. We need his ass this year. Plus, it wouldn't be the same without him. I want my final year to be with the right guys and Keith's definitely one of them.

Dale Hammond is called as the other starting wide receiver of this year, leaving his old position of tackle to Seth Pollard. Seth's position of center was given to one of last year's wide receivers, Mitchell Lockwood.

Blake's name is announced next and when I dart a glance toward him, he's grinning and giving us all thumbs up. Like he'd get kicked off, his dad's practically the banker for the athletic department. If the team ever needs anything, his dad funds it. Blake's still a good player but his dad's probably the only reason he hasn't been kicked off yet.

Coach lists all of us, ending with the quarterback position last and I swear, I hear the crowd get louder with the announcement that it's still me. It's nice. At least I'll always have fans in Amity Park. It's only high school but football's a big love here.

"Welcome your Ravens!" Coach screams out and my teammates and I barrel out of the locker room, running through a sign held by two cheerleaders. I want to turn my head and see which ones are holding it this year but I don't. I keep running alongside my teammates and waving at the crowd until we're in the middle of the field.

Coach jogs over to us and he runs us through the first two plays again while most of my team sizes up the visiting one. I know better than to get caught up in that shit. It's not about how intimidating they are, it's how hard they've practiced. And we've definitely upped our game this year. Coach always says it's about heart but I don't know if I believe that part. At some point, steroids really do trump the human will.

My eyes stray toward the crowd and I can see Valerie in the stands, grinning excitedly as she looks at whoever's standing next to her. Takes me a couple of seconds to recognize it's her dad. He looks like he aged two years since the last time I saw him, which was only at the beginning of the summer.

Valerie's pointing toward the crowd and I raise my hand in a small wave. She eagerly waves back and my eyes drift through the crowd again. I know dad's not waiting for me up there and my chest feels strange when I think about it. Almost like I can't decide if I'm disappointed or not. On the one hand, if I fuck up, he won't be here to see it. But… if the game is amazing, he'll never know.

Near the back of the stands, Danny's trying to find a seat. He almost trips once and I watch his mouth form the words of apology after he rights himself. It takes him another few tries before he secures a seat and I can see him exhale heavily when he sinks down onto the bleacher.

Exhaustion is pulling at his features and I know that feeling. I watch him until his eyes scan the crowd and then I raise my hand, waving again. Danny finally notices me but I don't get to see his reaction before Coach's voice rises in volume.

"You still with me, Baxter?"

I snap my attention back to him and nod, sparing a glance around my teammates. None of them look phased that I was ignoring them for the last minute so I don't really care. I haven't been back on the field since spring. I couldn't even do the off-season training they all participated in. My calf was still fucked up so aside from the last few practices, this is my first time back.

Coach eyes me for another few seconds before nodding to my lower half. "How's the calf? Think you can still play tonight?"

Kwan glances toward me but I'm already nodding. "Yeah, I'm alright." In truth, my calf hasn't bothered me since July. But Coach thinks it was recent so I go along with it and he nods when he knows I'm good to go.

My team and I move into our positions and I fit my teeth into my mouth guard and look around the field as the visiting team talks to their coach. Elmerton High is usually pretty good but my team's been training harder than we've done in the past.

The visiting team gets into position and the referee blows the whistle. That sound is all I need to hear to move into action. The ball is snapped toward me and then I'm flying down the field. My feet are pounding into the ground as I run toward the goal, my own panting breaths sounding in my ears. The wide receivers trailing behind me take out two of the bigger defensive tackles from Elmerton and then I'm home free. I throw the ball through the end zone and the crowd explodes into cheering. First goal of the night goes to my team, like it should. God, this game's gonna be good.

* * *

 

It's the end of the second quarter and we're down by eight points but it's not like we can't scrape ourselves back up from this. It's been a close game for the first half and it's probably gonna be the same way for the last half. Elmerton is good. But we're better.

The guys and I pack it in and take off for the locker room after the whistle blows and I glance back at the crowd, scanning it again for my dad. I don't know why I expected him to hold up to his promise of coming tonight but fuck it, I'm disappointed. I wanted to see him in the stands, waving at me and smiling. I'm doing really fucking well tonight and he's not here to see it.

Just as I'm about to turn and head into the locker room, someone's frantic waving catches my attention and I look toward them. Alex is standing in the front row, waving his arms back and forth. He stops when he sees me looking and steps off the end of the bleachers. I spare a glance at the guys before I head toward Alex, pulling my helmet off as I go. He's grinning and it makes me smile back, even though I just wanna be pissed off about my dad not showing up.

"You're doing really well out there, Dash," Alex says when we're close enough to talk. He squeezes my shoulders and beams at me. "Seriously, the crowd's going nuts talking about you. I'm pretty sure you'll have several marriage proposals before the season's out."

I roll my eyes and clap him on the shoulder with my empty hand, holding my helmet with my other hand, my fingers looped through the face guard. "Whatever." I shake the sweat out of my hair and exhale heavily. "I gotta grab some water before next half." I glance back toward the marching band, playing their hearts out, before giving Alex a smile. "Have fun."

Alex lets me go but he doesn't return to his seat immediately. I wonder if he can tell that someone was supposed to be here tonight and they weren't. I don't know why I expected anything different, dad hasn't been to a game since the beginning of junior year. He just reads my scores in the paper and occasionally asks me about it.

It's really not fair but part of me just wants someone to be proud. To look at me on the field, making the kind of plays that need to be made in order to win, and know that I'm good. To tell me that I'm doing a good job and they're proud. I have Alex and that should really be enough. If I wasn't so fucking selfish, it probably would be.

Coach is right behind me as I enter the locker room and I cross over to Kwan while Coach stares around at all of us. He looks pretty damn proud of us but you can never really tell with Brimfield.

"Eight points, you guys. You're down by eight points," coach says with a grin. "I have to be honest, I thought Elmerton was bringing their A-game tonight."

I sink down on the bench next to Kwan and he glances toward me. I give him a smile even though I don't feel like it. I wish I didn't care so much that dad's not here. Most kids would get over it by this point. Or at least they'd accept it. I just keep hoping for something that's never gonna happen.

Kwan returns my smile. Cool, at least I did something right today. Considering I spent most of my waking hours today fucking up, it's nice knowing I made my best friend smile.

 

* * *

 

We're in the final quarter, down by twelve points, and coach has practically screamed himself raw. Blake got a penalty for clipping. Can't blame the ref on that one. My teammate's a good player but he's hotheaded and he totally rammed Elmerton's tackle on purpose. Blake's great to party with cause he's always got booze but he can be a real dick sometimes.

I jog over to my teammates and join the huddle, my hands on my knees as I catch my breath. Dammit, I've got to remember to work in a run at least every other morning. Otherwise, I'll be the only one of my teammates wheezing during games.

"Listen up," Coach bellows out to us, his hands on his hips. His gaze sweeps around the huddle as he shakes his head. "We're down by twelve points, you can pull this around. I want you to run plays two and six, alright? There's still four minutes left on the board, you guys can win. Come on, Ravens on three."

My team puts their hands together and Coach places his on top before counting to three. There's a cry of, "Ravens!" before we split apart, jogging back across the field to resume our positions.

Keith moves over to me. "What the hell's gotten into Blake?" he questions, glancing over his shoulder at our teammate. I look past Keith to see Blake, practically jumping in place. He's probably on something. Wouldn't surprise me.

"Maybe he's juiced up," I respond, gesturing to the game. "Come on man, we gotta finish this out. You remember what to do right?"

He hesitates a second before nodding. "Yeah. Plays two and six." He gives Blake a final look before he moves into position, not too far from me. I get into my position, fitting my teeth back into my guard as I crouch down. I feel a trickle of sweat run down the back of my neck as I wait for the center to hike the ball.

I count the seconds between the time the ball snaps and when it's in my hands. We're aiming for two touchdowns here. Elmerton's defensive tackles have prevented me from making more than a few touchdowns this game. Honestly, I don't know if their whole team is on some kind of steroids right now or if I just suck that badly but damn, it's awful. I'm having to default back to field goals almost every time.

But with four minutes left, the odds of scoring four field goals are slim. Especially against this team. So, I'm gonna take a beating trying to get to the end zone. I hope our defenses are ready for this. Otherwise, they'll be scraping pieces of me off the field.

As soon as the ball snaps, I'm jogging toward the other end of the field. Keith intercepts the ball from my hands but the opposing team didn't get a chance to see the handoff. I keep plowing toward the end zone like I'm the one with the ball. It only fools them for a second but it's long enough for Keith to get a head start.

Elmerton's defensive tackle lunges for Keith just as he makes it past the line, officially winning us a touchdown. I can hear my teammates and the crowd cheering as our score ticks over. We're only down by six. Holy fuck, we can do this.

My teammates and I crowd around Keith, taking turns clapping him on the back. Keith grins at all of us and jogs over to line up for the PAT. The kick is good and shit, we're only down by five is wearing a wicked grin on his face and I'm pretty sure we all feel like that. The crowd's going fucking nuts and I can feel their energy radiate through me.

We make a fake pass after we regain possession and while it only works for a second, it still works. The opposing team is slow to react and my heart is pounding with every step I take. It's just me. And the goal. I don't hear the crowd or the sound of my own teammates. It's just me.

The ball's in my hands and I can hear my panting breaths in my own ears as I tear down the field. The end zone is within sight when Terrance Harden, one of Elmerton's defensive tackles, comes out of fucking nowhere and body slams me. I'm gonna lose my footing from his weight so I move into a dive. It's a stretch but the ball just barely clears the line seconds before the buzzer sounds. The ref calls it and it's good. It's a touchdown. I did it. I fucking did it.

It takes me a second for the sound of the crowd to come back to me and by then, my teammates are on me. I'm hoisted onto their shoulders and they're cheering, bouncing me up and down as we run the field. I'm still clutching the football in my hand and I can't believe it.

My brain catches up and suddenly, I'm screaming along with the crowd, cheering for the Ravens success. We did it. The first game of the season and we fucking did it. Elmerton eat your heart out. Tonight is our night.

 

* * *

 

The cheering of a crowd is something I'll never get out of my head and it replays through my mind during my shower. Most of the guys are too hopped up and jumping on each other to get their asses in the shower but I'm ready to get down to the beach and party like there's nothing beyond this weekend.

Kwan steps into the stall next to mine and shoots me a grin. "That last play was amazing, Dash."

I return the grin and run my hands through my hair. In the moment, I wasn't sure if I was gonna make it. There was a split second where it could have gone either way. But the gods were smiling down on me tonight and somehow, I did it.

"Thanks man. I thought I wasn't gonna make it," I tell him with another grin, shutting the water off with one hand. I just manage to step out of my stall after wrapping a towel around my waist before Blake tackles me, practically blowing my eardrums as he screams, "yeah baby, first win!" in my ear.

Keith laughs as I shove Blake off of me, giving him the bird while Blake dissolves into hysterical laughter. Jesus, he's gotta be on something. He's fucking buzzed already and he hasn't been anywhere close to alcohol in the last hour.

"Dude, chill out," I snap, shoving him away when he lunges for me again. He's seriously wired and I'm gonna have to kick his ass if he doesn't calm down. He slumps over onto the nearest bench, laughing like an idiot. I watch him sway for a few seconds before I glance around the locker room. "Who's driving this idiot?"

Blake stops laughing and hauls himself up from the bench, swaying even worse on his feet. "Dude… we're gonna steal a fucking bus, man, it's gonna be great." He grabs onto my shoulder, laughing again as he struggles to keep upright. "Dude I'm gonna steal a bus, man."

He collapses back on the bench again and Jeff laughs, clapping Blake on the shoulder as he passes by. "Don't worry, this idiot's with me tonight." Jeff grins up at me so I shrug it off, moving back toward my locker.

Keith joins our teammates on the bench and grins at them before glancing up to me. His smile slips a little and his voice is low when he speaks. "Did you catch the news last night?" A couple of the guys turn toward him cause he's speaking so softly and at this point, Keith should know that if he's trying to be quiet, everyone on our team decides to listen.

I shake my head, plopping down on the bench opposite him. I continue toweling off my hair as I respond. "No. Why, something good?" I ask, using the corner of the towel to get most of the water out of my ear. Don't know what it is with me and water but I always end up getting it in my ears during showers and whenever my team claims the school's pool, usually a couple of times during the off-season.

Kwan leaves the shower and comes to join us, toweling off his hair as he stands next to me. Keith glances up at him before focusing on me, his voice still quiet as he speaks.

"Cops are trying to keep it quiet but a reporter's already broken the news. Someone's been sneaking into places at night but they're not taking anything or even tripping alarms." Keith looks around the group of us that are listening and shrugs a little. "Apparently, people have been reporting things being out of place in their houses or wherever this person has shown up. Some official from the museum downtown said all of the paintings from the late 1800's were flipped upside down."

"Whoaaa," Blake responds, leaning heavily on Jeff as he tries to get out more than that one word. His brows are furrowed in concentration and he looks like he's about to have a heart attack or shit himself. I'm not sure which would be worse.

"That sounds like a bunch of bullshit," Dale responds. He chucks his towel on the ground as he gets dressed and I'll seriously never understand how some of these guys can walk around with their junk hanging out like that.

Keith shrugs, standing up again. He grabs his shoes and returns to the bench, unlacing one shoe as he talks. "All I know is that the museum and the people that have reported this have all said the same thing. The only evidence that anyone was even in their house is the electronics. Museum official said that their security cameras were completely fried and the people have reported their televisions only playing static afterwards. It's weird, man."

"Sounds like they're just trying to pull the reporter's leg," Jeff snorts.

I glance around them, wondering if it's okay to talk about everything dad's told me before I decide, why the hell should I care? Dad didn't show up to my game tonight so why the fuck would I care about what he wants? "Actually…" I say, drawing everyone's attention. Keith pauses tying his shoe and Jeff and Blake both look up at me. Blake more cause he's looking at everything that moves.

"My dad was talking to me pretty recently about this case… one of the other officers said…" I hesitate this time cause I don't know if I should be saying any of this. Oh what the hell, it's not like these guys are gonna tell anyone. "That the suspect has a teenager's build."

Blake's eyes grow wide and he leans back on the bench, almost falling off before Jeff catches him. "Whoaaa," he repeats, shaking his head slowly. I think we've overloaded him or something because he just sits on the bench, staring out at nothing in particular with his mouth slightly open.

"Now you're just pulling our leg," Jeff responds but Keith doesn't say anything. I never pegged him for being one to follow the news or pay attention to any of that shit but I guess he does. He seems really interested in everything I tell them. Even though Jeff calls bullshit on half of it, everything I say keeps Keith's interest and he even responds with a few of his own comments. I don't know if these phantom sightings are as dangerous as the officers make it out to seem but one things for sure. If the suspect really has the build of a teenager, they could be anyone in our high school. Hell, maybe they'll even be at the beach with us tonight. Nah, probably not, that's way too crazy.

 

* * *

 

After I tell Keith and the others as much as I can remember about what dad and the officers said, I pull on my clothes quickly and head out of the locker room, my overnight bag slung onto my shoulder. I tell the guys I'll see them when we get to the beach. Kwan tells me to drive safe and then I'm out, heading across the field to where Danny's waiting for me on the bleachers.

Don't know how I managed to change his mind, but I'm glad he's coming. It means I don't have to drive out there alone. I mean… I could have invited Kwan to ride with me but his music taste sucks lately. I haven't been around Danny long enough to make that judgement yet but I'm sure his taste is better than whatever crap Kwan calls music.

When I come to a stop at the edge of the stands, I see Alex and Valerie sitting with him. The two of them look up when I start up the bleachers and I raise my eyebrows. "What're you guys still doing here?"

Alex stands as I continue to climb. "You did really well tonight, Dash," he says, giving me a smile as I roll my eyes. "Seriously, you did." He waits for me to finish climbing the bleachers and when we're close enough, he pulls me into a hug.

I let his arms encircle me and I hug him back with a soft laugh. His touch is gentle and hesitant, like he's trying to figure out how to treat me right now. Don't know why, this is a good thing. "We won, Alex. I don't need a pity hug."

He exhales and shifts a little, just far enough to where I can hear every whisper he makes. "Valerie told me your dad was supposed to be here tonight. I'm sorry."

My gut feels like it's been sucker punched and I let out a breath, pulling away from Alex. I hesitate only a second before forcing a smile onto my face with a shrug. "Whatever, man." My gaze moves to Danny. "These two idiots didn't bother you, did they?"

Danny's quick to shake his head, his cheeks stained with pink as soon as I speak. "N-No, not at all. A-Alex was just telling me about how he got started working with cars. A-And Valerie was talking to me about some training she's doing."

I glance toward Valerie, raising an eyebrow in question. She shrugs and I can't believe she'd tell him something like that. Most people would make fun of her or call her stupid for pursuing something like that. To be honest, I don't really understand why a career in the ecto-threat division of the government is interesting to her but whatever makes her happy, I'm cool with.

"Glad to see you were entertained," I respond, jerking my thumb toward the parking lot. "You ready to go?"

Danny nods and rises to his feet, hitching his backpack onto his shoulder. "I-It was nice talking to you both." He glances from Valerie to Alex, giving them both smiles. "N -Nice meeting you, sir."

Alex returns the smile, nodding easily. He says something to Danny that I don't catch cause I'm focused on Valerie. She smiles when she meets my gaze

"You coming with us?" I ask, watching her as she fidgets. I can see the decision on her face while she goes through the motions of deciding but it's clear she's already made her mind up.

Finally, she shakes her head, offering up a smile. "Not this time. I'm on the schedule for some training tomorrow with a top agent that's just called M," she says, her smile becoming more confident the longer she talks. "Dash, she's really good at what she does and there's a chance if she likes me, I'll get to train under her."

I'm gonna miss her at the party tonight but I wouldn't ask her to trade something that makes her so happy for a night with a bunch of drunk idiots. I return the grin, gently slugging her on the arm. "You're such a nerd, Val. Rather work than party with me, I see how it is."

Valerie rolls her eyes and gives me a shove. "Get out of here before I kick your ass."

I turn back to Danny and he meets my gaze instantly, smiling softly. We say goodbye to Alex and Valerie again before we leave the bleachers, walking in silence to the parking lot. There's probably a million things I could say right now, ask him how he liked the game or even how his day was, but I don't. I just let my own thoughts crowd up my headspace and keep quiet until we're at my car.

"You can put your bag in the trunk," I tell him, opening said trunk with a flick of my wrist. Danny waits until I've thrown mine down before he sets his bag inside. I slam the trunk closed and we move around to the front.

I start the engine before I buckle my seatbelt, glancing toward Danny. "Just so you know, I plan on getting pretty trashed tonight so if you decide to go home, there's cash in the glove box for a cab ride."

Danny blinks and for a second, he doesn't say anything. I guess it took him that momentary second to understand what I was saying because realization dawns across his face. "Oh. Th-Thanks," he mumbles, dropping his gaze to the floorboard. I wonder if he even wants to be here. I somehow managed to talk him into it but I don't know if he ever wanted to tag along in the first place.

I let out a breath, leaning back in my seat. I know Danny's watching me but I keep my gaze out the windshield. "If you don't want to come, you don't have to," I tell him, looking toward him. I don't quite meet his gaze but I still catch a glimpse of the look on his face. He's frowning like he doesn't understand why I'm offering a way out.

"N-No, that's not it," he says, shaking his head as he slowly exhales. "Um… I was just wondering which beach we're going to, you never said."

Oh. Right.

I put my car in reverse and back out of the parking space before I answer him, glancing his way as I speak. "Eerie. On the outskirts of Elmerton?" I ask, watching as he tries to sort out where he's heard both names before.

His face lights up in recognition suddenly and he nods, a small smile tugging at his lips. "Right, I remember it now." Danny leans back in his seat with a small exhale, his gaze drifting out the windshield. "That's… kind of a long drive, isn't it?"

With a shrug, I pull out of the parking lot, shooting him a grin when he looks my way. "I hope you like my taste in music."

 

* * *

 

It turns out Danny and I actually have similar taste in music. We jam along together to everything that comes across the radio for the first twenty minutes of the drive and then the DJ decides to start talking.

"Ugh." I push the radio off, exhaling out as I run my hand through my hair before returning it to the steering wheel. We've still got a long drive ahead of us so I'm thankful that the silence isn't awkward. If it were Paulina riding shotgun, she'd want to talk over the music. It's rarely quiet in my car when she's there.

I don't know what it is about Danny but silence with him is fine. I don't feel this pressure to come up with something to say and he doesn't talk either. He just stares out the window, a sort of content look on his features.

When I'm not angry, driving is really relaxing to me. There's something about the long stretch of road and my car running over it that just really chills me out. I don't think there's a better feeling in the world. At least not one I've experienced. Unless it's sex. Sex is pretty damn good, too.

Danny clears his throat and when I glance toward him, his gaze shifts away from the window. "Do you have any CD's we can put on?" I guess the silence isn't as comfortable for him. Whatever, not like it's personal.

I shrug, gesturing toward the backseat. "Sure, pick whatever you want." I know both the seat and the floor in the back are littered with broken cases and scattered CD's. Half of them are albums I bought a long time ago and mixtapes Kwan keeps leaving in my car. When I'm driving, I've usually got the radio going or just the sound of the wind whipping through the open windows, so I have no idea what's still back there.

Danny turns a little in his seat, leaning over to dig through the stack of CD's in the back. He makes a small muffled grunt as he stretches to reach something and I laugh, sparing a glance over my shoulder at him.

My eyes are only on the road for a second before something catches my eye. It's purple and blue and holy fuck, it's on Danny. As he's stretching, his shirt is riding up, over his stomach and hips and I can see what someone's fists have painted on his body. Fuck, it looks bad. It's gotta be painful. If I were him, I would never have agreed to come on this trip in that state.

Danny rights himself in his seat again, subtly pulling his shirt down with one hand. "Okay. I just kind of went for a handful of loose ones so hopefully your music taste doesn't completely suck," he says with a grin, sliding the first CD off the top of the stack.

It makes sense. It makes perfect fucking sense. God dammit, when I took him to the nurse's office, he'd been there earlier. Nurse Soucie said she hadn't expected him to be back so soon. Jesus Christ, I wonder what she knows about these bruises. What lie he passed off to her. Shit. His dad.

Why the fuck didn't I see it then? Danny fucking hyperventilated in the middle of his kitchen after a simple conversation with his dad and I didn't connect the goddamn dots until now? I'm so hung up on myself, I don't even notice anyone else anymore. And Danny. God, he saw the bruises on my ribs that day in the nurse's office. He's probably been working up the nerve to ask me ever since. Trying to figure out if our stories are similar.

Danny slides the disc into the player and I'm still so lost in the fact that he's banged up that I don't even hear the music starting until his laugh catches me off guard. I flick my gaze toward his and he's grinning from ear to ear like he's not bruised underneath his clothes and deep under his skin. Like he doesn't have a care in the world and god, I'm a little jealous of how easy he makes it look when he smiles. He had me convinced and partially still convinced with the smile that won't leave his face.

"Dude, I can't believe you like *NSYNC."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, readers! How's your week been? Mine's been crazy, so much shit has happened. But in good news, I'm back with another update.
> 
> So, first things first. Last week I mentioned how I didn't know that much when it came to football and while I tried my best, I'm sure there's probably something in there that's incorrect. A huge shout-out goes to my beta reader though, AstroPhantom. They're great, they helped me catch a bunch of stupid shit I didn't see before. So, a big thank you to them, that was really helpful!
> 
> Now, onto the chapter! What'd you guys think of the game? Kinda sucks that Dash's dad didn't show up, huh? Then again, that's to be expected. I can't really give Dash anything xD But Danny works, amiright? I give him Danny and that makes up for it... mostly. Okay, eventually he gets to have Danny.
> 
> Speaking of the space nerd, whaaat'd you guys think of the ending there? Good thing Dash invited him on this trip, huh? Gave him a chance to get away from whatever's causing the bruises.
> 
> The phantom's kind of making a bigger appearance now, which I've been really excited for. I really hope you guys are too! There's a lot more of that story line the longer Stay runs and I'm so excited for you guys to watch it unfold.
> 
> Thanks for reading this chapter, I'd love to know what you think!


	24. All The Secrets You Keep

I don't want to interrupt the casual feeling of the drive up until now but I think Danny senses the sudden tension even as the CD plays, keeping it from being completely silent in the car.

There's still a while to drive and I really hate that I've made it awkward. I try to come up with something to ease the tension but I keep picturing the purple on his stomach and creeping further up his chest and I can't think. My mind blanks every time I think about that color on him and I don't know why it looks wrong but it does. I'm used to my body being painted with the color but his shouldn't be.

"Um… i-is something wrong?" Danny asks and I look at him. Before I have time to think or consider whether I'm gonna answer his question honestly, I look his way. His eyebrows are drawn down like he's trying to figure out what went wrong and maybe he thinks it was him. He looks like he's ready to apologize at any moment and I exhale, flicking my gaze back toward the road. I can't bring this shit up now. We're supposed to be going to a party, not offering to bandage each other up.

"Kind of." It's out of my mouth before I can stop it and I have no idea how to take it back. Or even if he'll let me take it back. I run a hand through my hair, wracking my brains for a way out of it. I don't know how it happens but I start talking. "It's just… Paulina and I broke up, you know? And she's gonna be at the party tonight and I don't want it to be awkward. But it's probably gonna be awkward as fuck anyway."

Danny's silent for a moment and I'm still trying to grasp the fact that I just came up with an excuse on the fly. Seriously, I should get some kind of points for that or some shit. I've never come up with anything that fast, holy shit.

"Well… if you avoid her, it'll be more awkward," he says softly and I spare a glance his way. His gaze is on his lap, staring down at his folded hands. "If you act like everything's fine between the two of you, e-eventually it will be. You've just gotta make it through the first few awkward encounters." His gaze rises to mine and he offers a smile, one that's so damn encouraging, I immediately return it.

"Y-Yeah, I guess you're right." I return my stare out the windshield, focused on the road as I switch lanes. It's none of my business. He's probably not interested in telling me his shit, just like I'm not interested in telling him mine. We might sport similar bruises but our stories are probably nothing alike.

The song changes and this one I'm a little more familiar with. Even though it's from a CD Kwan made last year, it's still a good song. I nudge the volume dial up a little higher, glancing toward Danny but he doesn't seem to recognize the music.

I give him a grin when his gaze meets mine and turn it up a little louder. _"High Regard"_ should always be blared. No exceptions.

* * *

 

Even with a stop to fill up on gas, we're one of the first three cars to arrive. Star's already unlocked the house so the others are milling about inside, helping her set up. Danny and I take turns moving beer cans from the fridge into a cooler half-full of ice and then I pass him off the last can.

"You should have one before this shit gets started," I tell him, cracking open one I snagged for myself. I drain a few sips before I nod toward Danny. "Seriously, it's a good thing to start the night already a little buzzed."

Danny's hesitant at first and I wonder if he's ever had alcohol before. But I don't get the chance to ask the question before he shrugs and pulls the tab open. He takes a long drag, exhaling heavily when he pulls away from the can. He sets the beer on the counter and I put mine next to his.

"W-We should probably see what else we can help Star with," Danny mumbles, leaving the kitchen. I take another sip of my beer before I follow behind him, glancing around the walls of the house. I remember coming here over spring break of junior year, laying on the couches with Paulina at my side. I still had the cast on my leg and couldn't get in the water like everyone else and the sand was a bitch to get out of the cast but it didn't matter. Cause it was a distraction from everything. Mom's disappearing act. Dad. My fucked up leg. Myself. God, it feels like forever ago that I was here.

Star's upstairs when we find her and though she gives me a look when Danny offers to help, we're both put to work anyway so I guess she doesn't hate him that badly.

Danny sets out stacks of red solo cups next to the kegs on the kitchen table and I empty chips into bowls, snagging a handful of pretzels for myself. I take a chair next to where Danny's standing and set my beer can on the table, watching as he takes the cups out of the plastic bags and sets them out. His hands shake a little and I wonder if that's another thing we share in common.

Did this thing start with him when his parents started knocking the shit out of him? Is that even what's going on? Maybe it's something else entirely. Fuck, I don't know. It's suspicious and I don't want him to go home to a shitty situation. One thing's for sure, I'm glad I convinced him to come. At least it'll give him a little while away from them.

* * *

 

The party gets into the swing of things by one and everyone's here. Blake and Jeff are the last to pull up and somehow, Jeff managed to talk Blake out of the whole 'steal a bus' idea. I guess he figured the team got in enough trouble the last time that happened. Blake is so strung out on whatever he's already consumed, he doesn't really seem that phased by the lack of bus stealing.

"Let's partaaayyy!" Blake screams as he runs past all of us, charging into the house in search of more alcohol. Blake's always had a thing for drinking but tonight, he's so fucking buzzed already, it won't surprise me if he ends up face-first in the sand before the hour's up.

I throw a glance toward Jeff and he shrugs, a shit-eating grin spread across his face. "This is gonna be fun." He glances past me toward Danny and shoots him the same grin. "Hope you're up for an adventure, Fenton."

Danny's face is flushed when I look toward him again but he offers up a smile in response. The three of us are starting for the house together when my phone starts vibrating like crazy in my pocket. I tell Jeff I'll catch up with him and he disappears inside the house. Danny hesitates for a few seconds before he's wandering inside too.

I manage to dig my phone out of my pocket and scan over the text messages I've received just in the last few minutes. Fuck. Can't I just have one weekend without some kind of shit?

**From: Dad**

_**The game's been over for hours, where are you?** _

**From: Dad**

_**Come home.** _

**From: Dad**

_**Dash, get your ass home now.** _

Fucking hell, I'm four hours away, how the hell am I supposed to get home right now? More than that, why should I fucking care? He said he'd be at the game tonight and he wasn't. He said he'll quit drinking and he hasn't. Why the hell am I the only one that's held responsible for what I do?

I consider sending him a text back but I don't. I can't think right now and I really don't need to have him crowding up my headspace. I power my phone off and locate my car in the mesh of all the others, tossing my phone into my duffel bag before I zip it closed and slam the trunk door shut.

After I make my way inside the house, I'm searching around for something to clear my head when I notice Danny hovering just inside the door. Like he was waiting for me or something. Maybe it's cause he doesn't know any of the people here but fuck it.

"Come on, let's get wasted," I tell him, moving further inside. The music is pumping throughout the house and even spilling out in the backyard which is just the beach and some tall, dead-looking grass.

Jeff and Blake are standing at the table, downing shots like it's their last night, and I don't really want to talk to them, which postpones the plan to get wasted. I wander further into the house and Danny follows after me. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for but a couple of girls from school stop to talk to me about the game.

I notice Roxane staring at me several times but she doesn't say anything, quickly going back to her conversation whenever I glance her way. Whatever. I'm not interested in whatever drama she wants to involve me in.

Paulina rounds the corner and there's an awkward few seconds of staring at each other in total silence before I feel Danny's hand nudge my hip. I guess he's trying to remind me of what he said in the car. Right. Don't make it awkward.

"H-Hey," I mumble, running a hand through my hair as Danny wanders a little way away from us. He pretends to be interested in some of the records Star owns, thumbing through a few of them. I watch Paulina look his way before she flicks her gaze back to mine, raising an eyebrow as she does.

"You invited him?" She folds her arms over her chest with an exhale. "If you wanted to get back at me, there are a thousand easier ways to do it than putting up with him," she says, shaking her head.

I should have known. She's always under the impression that everything I do has something to do with her. I invited Danny cause he looked like he needed some time away from Amity Park. And judging by the bruises I caught a glimpse of, I was fucking right.

"I didn't invite him because of you," I snap, more bite in my tone than I realized. God, does she always have to be so concerned about herself? "I invited him just cause."

Paulina rolls her eyes, flicking her gaze down to her polished fingernails. "Whatever you want to believe, Dash." She glances back up at me with a smile. "Enjoy your time with Fenton. I'll be around whenever you get bored."

She moves past me then and god fucking dammit, how did I never see how shallow she can be before now? Every little thing is about her and if it's not, it somehow still is. Jesus Christ, she can be so annoying.

There's a smaller table of drinks just outside the house and I head toward it immediately, throwing back several Jell-O shots before I stop to think. Why is she so stuck on herself? And why have I just now noticed it?

Someone claps me on the shoulder and when I turn to look, Keith is passing me by with a smile. He looks tired and I wonder how much convincing it took to get him to come tonight. I'm pretty sure if I were in his shoes, I'd be passed out in my house about now. With all the shit he has going on with his sister, I'm surprised he came at all.

"Hey man," I mumble, giving him a nod that he returns quickly, exhaling softly. He hesitates by the table for a second before he grabs one of the shots glasses. A quick tip backward and he swallows it whole, breathing out when he glances toward me.

"Little… something to enjoy this more, y'know?" he asks with a small laugh, his gaze drifting out toward the beach. I know the feeling. Parties are fucking amazing cause there's always alcohol. And alcohol makes me forget. But sometimes, I gotta forget that I'm there to forget. If that makes any fucking sense.

I run a hand through my hair, my gaze following his. "Yeah… I know what you mean, man."

Sometimes, partying with the people that don't use this kind of shit as an escape is hard. My teammates are great and I'll always be down for a party with them. But some of them just enjoy getting high or drinking themselves into a stupor rather than needing this kinda thing. I wonder how different these parties would be if they weren't an escape for me. Then again, everything in my life is an escape.

I'm about to say something to Keith, probably something brilliant and profound, when Blake comes flying out of the house, Jeff and a few cheerleaders on his heels. They're all screaming and chanting as they run toward the water, losing various articles of clothing as they go.

Keith laughs then, turning his gaze back toward mine with a small smile. "I'm gonna join them. See ya." He yanks his shirt over his head before jogging down to the beach after our friends. I don't know if Keith sees things the way I do but I'm suddenly regretting coming. It's not like I had to come but… there are expectations cause I'm part of the football crowd. And the quarterback not showing up at a party after the first game? That wouldn't exactly go down well.

Movement distracts me from watching my teammates jumping into the water and splashing each other and I turn toward the sudden company. Danny glances toward me with a smile. "Are you going in?" he asks, looking back toward the water with a small nod.

I don't regret coming here anymore. Not when I can see the carefree expression on Danny's face. Not when he looks at peace here. Whatever he thinks of my friends or parties like this, it's gotta be better than what he thinks of our town. Of the kind of things people are willing to overlook. Jesus fuck, that's why he lives out in the middle of nowhere. His parents wanna hide everything they can from any neighbors. God, can this weekend never end, please? I want this happiness frozen on his face forever.

* * *

 

Danny decides not to swim and I don't bring up the fact that it's probably cause he'd have to come up with a lie for the bruises or an excuse for why he's not willing to take his shirt off. I know that feeling. I've been there so many times. I could give him some pointers and I hate that he could actually use them.

He wanders back into the house after telling me to have a good time and I sort of feel guilty. It's not like we have to stick together throughout this whole party but I invited him here. I feel bad for abandoning him without any of his friends here.

I wonder where his friends are. When I mentioned the guy he used to hang around, the one with the fugly beret, Danny didn't really say anything about him. Just that he wasn't around anymore. But that wasn't the only person I saw Danny with before. I could have sworn there was a girl too. A real gloom-and-doom drama queen, who probably listened to emo bands and hung around Hot Topic in her spare time. Why doesn't he hang with them anymore? Oh fuck, what if he told them about his parents and they stopped talking to him cause of that? Shit, I don't want to bring up anything painful as fuck if I can avoid it. It'd probably be better to just steer away from that topic.

Somehow, I convince myself not to go looking for Danny and ask all kinds of questions but my mind strays back to him for most of the time I'm outside. I get in the water with my friends and Blake hangs on all of us, trying to stay upright in the middle of his laughing fits. He's still strung out on something stronger than alcohol but none of us question it anymore.

Someone approaches the water and it takes my eyes a few minutes in the darkness to figure out who it is, recognizing my best friend's build the closer he gets. He ditches his shirt and jeans, a pair of swim trunks underneath the latter, and wades out to where we all are, splashing Keith as he passes by. Kwan gets a face full of water in return but laughs it off, his gaze sweeping the water until it lands on me.

I don't know why but there's something in that look that makes my stomach turn. Like he came out here just to find me. He's already moving toward me and I watch as he wades out further, not looking back at any of us as he stares at the stars splattered across the sky like a painter's canvas.

My teammates continue splashing and yelling, generally being really drunk and stupid, and I wade out to where Kwan is, our shoulders submerged in the water now. The water's warm but I'm starting to shiver a little, the cool night air drifting across my face.

Kwan doesn't say anything at first, just keeps his gaze on the sky as I wait him out. I know my best friend like I know myself and he's only this quiet when the conversation is something that needs to be approached lightly. Like when he told me he thought he was interested in guys. And I had to remind him for months that there was nothing wrong with him before it sunk in. Considering I already know he's gay, I doubt this talk is gonna be about him this time.

He heaves a sigh before turning toward me and I'm surprised by the carefree expression on his face. I guess I look confused as hell cause he gives a small laugh. "Relax, Dash, you look like somebody just died."

I don't want to admit that my hands are clenched into fists beneath the dark water so I force a smile instead. "Whatever, man. You're the one who came out here looking like someone just kicked a puppy or some shit."

Kwan laughs before tossing a glance back toward our group. They're still absorbed in being drunk and loud so I doubt they're paying us any attention. When my best friend's gaze meets mine again, they're sparkling. "Jared told me about this club in Dryden that's opening up in October and he wants to take me there." He hesitates just long enough to make me aware that there's some reason why this is a big deal. "Can you come with me? Just like… so I'm not there alone? I mean, o-obviously Jared's gonna be there too but it's just…" He sighs heavily, looking away from me.

I wait until he glances back at me before shrugging. "I'm cool with that, man. What's the place called?" I don't really care the name, I'm just keeping Kwan talking cause he looks like he's at this weird combination of excitement and 'I might puke, watch out.' I definitely don't want the latter to happen. "He wants you guys to go opening weekend or something?"

Kwan exhales, lifting his hand from the water to run it through his hair. "I guess…? I don't really know, I didn't ask him to clarify or anything." He keeps his gaze set on the sky before darting a glance toward me. "The club's called Starlit Specters, by the way. It's an uh… it's an inclusive club, according to Jared."

I don't know if it's cause I'm already feeling a little buzzed from those shots or if it's cause I'm just generally bad at understanding subtlety but it takes me a couple of beats before I realize what the fuck he's saying. "Oh. This is… it's like a gay club or something?"

My best friend slowly nods, shrugging. "I mean, if you want to call it that, I guess. But it's not just gonna be a bunch of guys. Um… th-there are probably gonna be some straight people too. Th-Though I don't know how many or anything. Jared's the one who found the place. You know I've never been to anything like this before." His gaze drops to the water and I finally understand why he's asking me to come with him. Jared's his date but Kwan's always navigated these waters with me. I was the one who first told him it was okay that he didn't look at girls the way I do. I was the one who told him he wasn't broken. I guess if I'm there, he'll have someone he can look to for some kind of stability or something. I don't know. I don't fully understand it. But I get it enough.

"Alright, man, you just let me know when we're going and I'm there," I tell him, turning my gaze to the night sky. Kwan looks toward me again and I can tell he's smiling even before I look his way.

He exhales with a shaky laugh and nods. "Thanks, Dash. I appreciate it."

I don't know why he'd ever doubt that I'd be willing to come with him. I really don't give a shit if it's not typically for straight people, I'd still go there for him. Hell, Kwan could ask me to go with him to a gay strip joint and I'd be there. If it's for Kwan, I'd do anything he asks. We both know he deserves it after putting up with so much of my shit. And cause it makes him happy and I know he isn't like that around his parents. So, whatever. A club's a club to me and as long as Kwan's happy, I'm there.

* * *

 

The party's insane by the time Kwan and I leave the water and my head's mostly cleared by now. Roxane is drunk and swaying and leaning on everyone that passes by her. Keith offers to take care of her and Kwan helps him carry her up the stairs to one of the empty bedrooms.

Once they're gone from my sight, I move further into the house, looking for something to eat. I can't really remember my way to the kitchen and it takes me a couple of wrong turns to find it. I don't see Danny anywhere but I'm quickly distracted by the sheer amount of food set out on the table. After I put the bags of chips into bowls, Star must've come along after me and added more cause holy shit.

I grab another handful of pretzels and just as I manage to cram the handful into my mouth, Star rounds the corner, Blake on her heels. He's still being obnoxiously loud but Star seems pretty calm, like she's barely even buzzed. She shoots me a smile and I do my best to return it, trying not to let them know just how much I've actually managed to shove in my mouth.

Star gives me a nod. "Your friend seems like he's having a good time," she says, her gaze flicking toward the living room. I follow her line of sight but I don't see Danny. When I glance back toward her, she shrugs. "I don't know, I saw him earlier and he looked like he was having fun."

I swallow down the lump of congealed pretzels. "Yeah? Have you seen him lately?" I ask, sparing another glance at the living room. I don't have to stick by his side if he's having fun but I'd at least like to check in with him. I invited him after all.

She manages to say no before Blake starts talking over her, being incredibly obnoxious from the start of his sentence.

"Dude, dude, dude," Blake practically shouts even though the kitchen is pretty quiet amidst the music still thrumming through the house. "Dude, it's fucking shot time." His glassy, red-rimmed eyes search the kitchen but Star puts a hand on his chest, effectively putting a stop to his frantic searching. He flicks his gaze back toward Star and she spares another glance at me.

"We'll see you later. Have fun, Dash," Star says before she disappears around the corner, dragging a fairly disorientated Blake with her.

I hesitate another few minutes before I grab a can of Dr. Pepper from the cooler, shaking off the excess water before I crack it open. I take my time going through the house in search of Danny, wanting to make sure I don't miss him. It'd be easy to in the chaos that is an after-party.

The parties I remember the most from my years of Casper High are usually the ones following after the first or last game of the season, and occasionally some of the really great games too. Those were always the most obnoxious and crazy. I remember riding a skate board, tied to the back of Jeff's truck, down the streets of Amity Park in the dark, screaming my head off. My chest was painted red and white to celebrate the win and the only reason I remember that is cause it took weeks to actually wash off. I'm pretty sure my teammates used some kind of semi-permanent shit or something.

Tonight is no different than any other after-party and I can't say that's a bad thing. My teammates and I do a lot of dumb things when we're together but man alive, we have fun. I remember getting so drunk, I couldn't stand and Jeff and Kwan carrying me. Though that memory's a little fuzzy. All I really remember about that night was laughing so hard even as I spewed vomit onto Paulina's front lawn. It's that kind of image in my head that keeps me searching for Danny. I mean, he can handle himself but still. I'd hate to get invited somewhere and make an idiot of myself. Not to mention, it'd just give my teammates and the cheerleaders something to make fun of him about.

* * *

 

Half an hour passes by and I'm in front of the house, looking around for him, when he's suddenly standing near the porch. He gives me a smile when I look his way and I start for him.

"Hey man, been looking for you," I say, taking a drink from my nearly empty can, before I nod toward him. "You having a good time?"

Danny nods slowly at first before a lopsided grin stretches across his face. "Yeah. I beat Jeff in beer pong earlier, y-you shoulda seen it." His speech is a little slurred and I wonder how close this game was, given his general behavior.

He glances toward the beach and when he starts to wander away, I follow after him, more concerned about scooping him out of the sand than anything else. He can hold his own, but someone's gotta keep his drunk ass from smothering. Plus, there's nothing worse than a hangover combined with a mouthful of sand.

Danny looks over his shoulder and when he realizes I'm following him, he comes to a stop, giving me a curious look. "A-Aren't you supposed to be partying?" he asks, laughing a little on the question. "Are you bored already?"

I don't know why but seeing Danny more sure of himself and swaying is making me grin. Like maybe he's not wound so tightly when he's got something in him to lessen the feelings all crowding him at once. I know that feeling. Hell, I chase it every party.

"Nah man, I just came out here looking for you," I respond, watching as he sways again. It takes him a minute before he understands what I'm saying and then he just nods, moving toward the beach again. I continue to follow after him until he plops down in the sand, scooping up handfuls and dumping them down again. Sand trickles out from between his fingers every time he does and he laughs at the sensation.

I take a seat next to him, nursing the last of my Dr. Pepper, and turn my gaze out toward the water. I left my phone in the car after I saw dad's text so I have no idea what time it is. Part of me wants to go in search of a clock but the other part of me is fine just sitting here with Danny. Just listening to the sound of the rolling waves and the occasional sputtered giggle from my companion. The music from the house drifts to us and I can sort of make out what's playing on the stereo. Sounds like some kind of pop remix, something the girls did a cheer routine to last year.

As subtly as I possibly can, I check Danny out from the corner of my eye, watching as he sways and rights himself every time, little giggles escaping him in the process. He continues his adventure of grabbing handfuls of sand every few minutes and I watch his movements, trying to find anything out.

I want to ask him about the bruises but that's not fair when he's drunk and for the most part, I'm clear-headed. If I ask him at all, it'll be when he's not drunk or hungover or anything like that. He'll be able to lie or tell me the truth if that's what he wants. I don't want to force him to give me an answer just cause he's drunk.

Danny lurches suddenly and glances toward me, his eyes a little wild as a grin stretches across his face. "Wanna go for… a swim?" he asks, laughing a little at my expression I guess. He leans forward to swat my arm playfully but his perception is off and he ends up patting the side of my face. "C-Come on, it'll be fuuuun!" He tries to get on his knees but he ends up pitching forward and I catch him before he can face-plant in the sand.

"Whoa man, careful." I help him sit up again and he's leaning on me, our shoulders squished together as he continues to let out one drunken giggle after another. I should take him upstairs and let him pass out but I don't really want to move just yet. Besides, he could use the time off from thinking for a while. I'll watch out for him if he wants to keep drinking but to be honest, I don't know how much more he can put away.

It falls silent between us and I close my eyes to the sound of the ocean, listening for Danny's laughter, but it's mostly died out now. He's quiet next to me and the only reason I know he's there is his warmth against my shoulder. He's not asleep, I can tell that by the occasional movement of his arms.

He's quiet for a while longer and I drift off in the silence for a while, until he moves and I'm awake again. I blink in the darkness, turning to look at him with a half-asleep smile. "You okay?" I ask and his expression is all kinds of fucked up. Like he's warring with himself. I don't know which part of him wins but he looks up at me, meeting my gaze.

"D-Dash, I-I gotta tell you something," he mumbles, leaning in closer to me, his hand on my shoulder. I can feel his fingers trembling through my shirt and I'm immediately more alert. I was supposed to be the one awake with my thoughts, not him. He's probably been sitting over there, listening to his own inner demons screaming at him, while I've been drifting in and out of consciousness.

I let out a breath, turning more toward him. After a second of silence, I shift into a cross-legged position but I keep my gaze on his. "Alright. What's up?" I try to make myself look pretty chill about whatever he's gonna tell me but I'm pretty sure it's got something to do with the bruises littering his body.

His left hand drifts to my other shoulder but stops just short, his long fingers resting along my collarbone. There's something about the look in his eyes that makes me not want to ask him why his hands are on me. Maybe I'm his anchor at the moment, telling him it's okay to admit when he's scared. I mean… I don't believe that bullshit but he should. He doesn't have to be afraid if he's admitting it to me.

"I…" Danny glances away from me, his eyes searching the beach, before he turns to me again, scooting closer in the sand. His body is angled toward me now and he slowly rises to his knees. His one hand slides down my collarbones, resting over my heart, while his other drifts behind my neck, like he's using me to stay upright. "I… n-need to… tell you…"

His eyes drift closed and I feel my stomach muscles tightening. I've been in this moment before. But it wasn't Danny I spilled my guts to. No, Kwan was on the receiving end of that ugly shit and I've never asked him how he dealt with it. I don't want to know that Danny's getting his ass kicked at home, it'll only make me angry that I can't help him. I don't want to be made aware that there are nights he cries himself to sleep or times he can't sleep because of them. Because his body's in too much pain or because he can't turn his mind off from wondering when it'll happen again. I don't want to know these things about him and at the same time, I do.

I want to be there for him and help him walk this terrifying journey. No one should have to do this alone. It's been hell since mom left but just imagining what my life would have been like if she hadn't been there makes me feel so much pity for Danny. He's really done this whole thing by himself and I know I wouldn't have had the courage to. He's stronger than I am but even the strong can be weak. I want to help him when he feels weak.

"You can tell me anything," I say, my own voice loud in the silence. I can still hear the distant music and the lapping of the waves but Danny's gaze drops to my lips and when he leans closer, all others sounds disappear. I can feel his breath mingling with my own and all at once, the air's too thick and then it's too thin and his shaky exhale makes my toes curl into the sand. I see the expression on his face but only for a second, because I'm watching his lips moving.

His eyes drift closed as he speaks and I hang on to his every word. "I'm gonna…" A beat passes before his eyelids flutter open and he looks tired again. I guess I've been expecting the truth from him since this conversation started but he's too strung out to tell me anything. "M'gonna puke," is all he manages before he's turning away from me, hurling his guts onto the sand behind him.

I can still feel the lingering warmth from his touch and I'm wondering what the hell I would have done if his lips had met mine and I don't know why I'm wishing they had. Maybe I just want to make him feel better and maybe I just want to know what it feels like but fuck, I hate the horrible timing of alcohol.

* * *

 

It takes me a few seconds of listening to Danny puking before I remember that I should be taking care of him, not letting him fall face first into the sand. Just as he starts to pitch forward, I scramble up from my spot, keeping him from inhaling a face full of beach.

"Whoa, hang on." His laughter dances into the open air and it matches perfectly with the music still pouring from the house as I help him to his feet. It takes me a couple of tries but I manage to pick him up, one arm supporting his back and the other under his knees. His head lolls back as he lets out one wasted laugh after another and I begin trudging up toward the house, my feet slipping in the sand.

We're not in the position that we were earlier when his eyes were on my lips and I can't feel his breath on me now. He smells like vomit and it's disgusting but all I can think when his fingertips brush the back of my neck is, _why didn't you kiss him, you fucking idiot?_

Danny settles against my chest, his fingers finding hold in my shirt and honestly, his hands not touching me right now is a good thing. I don't know what the hell is going on with me but every time his trembling fingers meet my skin, it's like something bursts into flames inside of me and scratches up my insides with its heat. Maybe it's the alcohol or maybe it's cause it's fucking late and I'm exhausted but goddammit, I like the feeling of fire.

I carry him past stumbling, drunk idiots and I make it all the way into the house before someone stops to talk to me. Jeff's wearing the biggest grin on his face but it disappears when he sees Danny in my arms. "Whoa man… is he okay?" he asks and I notice his eyes are a little clearer now than they were earlier.

I give him a quick nod before starting for the stairs. "I think he's alright," I say, raising my voice a little over the music and Jeff is quick to follow after me.

"Here, man, lemme get the door for you. You just gonna lay him down somewhere?" he asks, jogging up the stairs in front of me. He gets to the landing and opens a few doors before deciding on a room. "Come on, this one's empty."

Jeff helps me get Danny onto the mattress and by the time he's settled, Danny's back to babbling incoherently, going on about the game earlier tonight. The front of his red t-shirt is spotted with vomit and I glance toward my teammate.

"Could you stay with him for a minute? I'm gonna get his bag from my car," I say and Jeff is quick to nod. His eyes are mostly clear and he looks pretty alert. Not that I think anything's gonna happen, I just don't want Danny falling off the bed and severely injuring himself. Knowing my luck, that's just the way it would go.

I hesitate in the doorway for a second before I'm jogging down the stairs and back out through the front door. The sand slips under my feet as I run and by the time I make it to my car, my feet are basically covered. Good thing I ditched my shoes earlier… just wish I could remember where.

My front door is still unlocked and I snatch the keys up from the passenger seat, walking around to the trunk to unlock it. Someone's jogging toward me from the house and when he passes under the porch light, I can tell it's Kwan. I just manage to swing both my bag and Danny's onto my shoulder before Kwan reaches me.

"Hey, I saw you running out here," Kwan says, glancing around before focusing on me. "Is something wrong?" There's a crease between his eyebrows and when I meet his gaze, I can see concern in his eyes. I don't know what the hell he thinks I'm out here for but there's nothing to worry about.

I gesture to the bags on my shoulder before slamming the trunk closed, swinging my keys around my finger. "Nope. Just came out here to get a change of clothes for Danny." Kwan's eyebrows draw down and in the dim lighting, I can see the puzzled expression painted across his face. Like he's either trying to place who Danny is or why I'm out here getting the bag for him. "He was puking and got it on himself," I offer before he has to ask.

"Oh," Kwan responds, flicking his gaze back to the house before turning toward me with a grin. "Jared's been texting me all night." His eyes are sparkling and the sheer happiness on his face makes me smile in return. Before I can respond or tease him, someone starts yelling and it sounds pretty fucking panicked.

Kwan and I both turn toward the sound and someone's running toward us, panting heavily as they collapse against the front of my car. My best friend and I move around to where the figure is and after a second, I realize it's Keith. He's panting and whimpering and Kwan takes a step closer to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, are you okay?" Kwan asks and Keith looks up. His eyes are red and brimming with tears and he flicks his gaze between us before speaking, all of his words jumbled together as he speaks.

"N-No… she's not… she's… oh god." He sweeps his gaze around the beach before focusing on Kwan again, his shaky hands grabbing onto his shoulders as he struggles to stay upright. "I-I've gotta get home… wh-where's Star, I came with her."

Kwan glances toward me but I keep my gaze focused on Keith. "What's going on, man?"

He looks toward me and stumbles away from Kwan, almost tripping but he manages to right himself at the last second. "M-My sister… she's… god, she's in the hospital a-and my parents are saying that the doctors d-don't think she's gonna last the night and I'm at a fucking party and I need to get back to her, I have to see her again." He's hyper-ventilating as tears stream down his face, his gaze darting up and down the beach as he looks for Star.

Shit. How's that for jerking him back to reality?

Keith exhales shakily, not bothering to brush the tears away as his eyes dart around the area. "I-I've gotta get out of here, I-I knew I should have driven my car… o-or stayed home. Fuck." He jerks his hands through his hair, a broken sound leaving him.

I spare a glance at Kwan and his face is a mixture of worry and concern, his eyes only meeting mine for a second before he's focused on Keith again. "Come on, we can take my car," Kwan responds, offering up a small smile as he digs his keys from his pocket. He clicks the horn button for his car and the three of us turn toward the sound. And all at once, we realize how completely stuck his car is. Everyone's parked around it to the point that I can barely see the hood of his car, only recognize it cause it's the car that's flashing lights.

Keith cries out again, turning in a circle as he starts calling out for Star. He only calls her name twice before his voice breaks and he hangs his head, pulling at his hair. God, the sounds leaving him are fucking awful and I hate that this is happening.

I hesitate only a second before I hold my keys out toward Kwan. "You haven't had anything to drink in the last hour, have you?"

Kwan looks up at the keys and shakes his head slowly just as Keith realizes what's happening. He looks between the two of us before stepping closer to me, clapping me on the shoulder, a spluttered cry leaving him. "Th-Thank you, I-I…" he trails off, moving to the passenger side before he looks up at me again. "I-I'll return it in the morning, I-I swear."

"Don't worry about it," I respond.

Kwan opens the driver's side before looking at me. "I'll text you when we get there. And I'll bring your car back tomorrow." He gets into the front seat and I take a few steps back as he pulls away from the house, heading back toward the highway. I watch my retreating car for longer than necessary before I remember that I have an incredibly drunk Danny to attend to.

* * *

 

Jeff is still in the room and he jumps up from a chair when he sees me. "Dude, he's looking really green, I think he's gonna blow chunks," he says in a rush, darting a nervous glance back toward Danny and after a second, my eyes follow his line of sight.

"Thanks, man," I respond, patting his shoulder as I pass by him. Danny's curled up one side and he doesn't budge when I drop our bags near his feet. "You alright, man?" He lets out a groan in response and I roll my eyes, glancing back toward Jeff. "I got it from here, thanks."

He crosses over to the doorway after a nod and closes the door behind him, mumbling something about the noise disturbing Danny. As soon as the door's closed, I flick my gaze back to Danny with a sigh.

"Alright, Fenton," I mumble, looping an arm around him to help him sit up. He gives another groan and I manage to grab the hem of his shirt before his eyes open.

Danny meets my gaze, his eyelids droopy and his eyes unfocused. "Whaaatcha doing?" he asks, his voice slurred and deeper than it normally is. I guess the change in his speech has me kinda frozen for a few seconds because he laughs, his head tilting back as the sound dribbles from his mouth. "You look… like you've seen… a ghost."

Not a ghost. Just a really drunk guy I almost kissed. My face is hot and I pretend it's from the temperature in the house. I'm not going fucking red cause Danny's voice is a little altered by the alcohol. That'd be pathetic.

"You need to change out of this shirt or Star will kill me for letting you sleep on this bed," I respond, grabbing hold of the hem again, easing it up over his stomach. In all the rush of the evening and the loud music and what happened on the beach, I sort of forgot about the bruises across his body. Shit, they look worse than I remember catching a glimpse of. One alone covers most of his stomach and it's a gross mixture of green and purple.

I flick my gaze up to Danny's and he's staring back at me, leaning back on his hands. He swallows and I can see his throat bob with the movement. He wets his lips with his tongue and I find myself watching that little flash of pink, maybe as a way to keep myself from looking at the bruising.

"It doesn't hurt anymore," he says, so quietly I almost miss it. He holds my gaze for another second or so before his eyes drift down toward his stomach and my gaze follows his. Danny slowly lifts one hand and trails his fingers along one of the worst-looking bruises. With an exhale, he looks up to me again, a smile pulling at his features. "The more I drank, the less it hurt."

Fuck. I know that feeling too well.

I blow out a breath, keeping my gaze on his for another few seconds before I realize that if anyone were to stumble in here, no matter how drunk, they'd get a look at Danny's bruises and while he probably doesn't care now, he will in the morning.

"You need to change out of this shirt," I repeat, waiting until he moves his hand from his bruises with a sigh before I continue. "Can you raise your arms for me?"

Danny lifts his arms over his head, his half-lidded gaze staying on me even as I shift out of his view to get the neck of the shirt over his face. He exhales when I drop the shirt onto the floor and his arms fall to his sides. "My clothes… are still in your car." I gesture to the bags behind him and he glances at them, his unfocused eyes registering them after a few seconds. "Oh."

I pull a t-shirt from the bag and he automatically raises his arms without me having to tell him. His gaze is back on mine and I slowly ease the shirt on over his head. I don't know what he was planning on wearing to bed but this looks comfortable enough. I step back when I'm done and he lets out a breath, leaning back on his hands again. I'm not sure how he'll feel about changing out of his jeans but I can see sand sticking to them and Star really will kill me.

"Did you bring any pajama pants or anything?" I ask, flicking my gaze toward him. He leans his head back before nodding, letting out a breath as his eyes fall closed. I don't know how I'm gonna go about trying to put pants on someone else but hell, at least I can say I've done it if I succeed.

It's a little bit like working with some kind of drunk octopus but somehow, I manage to get a pair of sweatpants on him, instructing him to stay in the chair I direct him to, while I strip the bed. He only got sand on the comforter but I have no idea when the last time these sheets were changed. Ordinarily, I wouldn't care about this and I guess I'm just doing this to give myself something to do.

Danny obediently stays in the chair, his gaze trained on the window, a faraway look in his eyes. I want to ask him a million questions and find out what's running through his head. But I don't ask and he doesn't offer. So I just grab a fresh set of sheets from the closet and wrestle the bottom one on before spreading the top one out.

There are a few blankets in the closet and I add those on in case Danny gets cold. After I place a pillow at the top of the bed, I cross over to Danny, extending my hand toward him. "All done, you can sleep now."

He continues to stare out the window for a few seconds before he shifts his gaze back toward mine with a heavy sigh. "I can stand on my own." As if to make a point, he rises from the chair, taking one ungraceful step after another until he collapses on the bed, his face immediately buried into the pillow. It'd be a hilarious picture if I could convince myself that the groan that follows isn't because he's bruised all to hell.

"Alright, I'll let you sleep," I tell him, crossing the room to grab my bag. There's no need to wake him up later when I need to get this.

I've just swung the bag onto my shoulder when Danny makes a soft noise, something that sounds like a cross between a whimper and another groan. Noises like that don't really suit him so it draws my attention instantly.

He's got his head turned to look at me, the rest of his body completely flat against the mattress. It looks uncomfortable as hell but he gives me a smile when I look his way. "Don't leave."

There's something in his eyes or his smile or maybe it's just the sound of his voice as he asks but somehow, I'm agreeing before I've even thought about it. The party's still going on downstairs and I could easily slip away and drink until I pass out. But Danny's looking at me like all he wants is my presence. And honestly, I'm not interested in drinking until I pass out tonight.

"Yeah, sure. Just lemme get changed." I gesture toward my bag before I move to the door, pulling it open as soon as I'm close enough. Danny doesn't say anything so I pull the door closed behind me and cross over to the bathroom. Thankfully, it's vacant. I'd hate to have to fight drunk idiots making out just to change my clothes.

I push the door shut behind me and spin the lock into place before dropping my bag onto the floor. I could probably use a quick shower. Before I have time to convince myself otherwise, I turn the water on and strip down, stepping into the stall and underneath the water. It runs down my back and chases away any bits of sand still clinging to my skin.

My shower is pretty quick and within a few minutes, I'm done and toweling off. I packed pajama pants and a sleeveless shirt like I do every year for this party but this is probably the first year I've ever changed into them. Damn, I don't know if I'm getting too old for this kinda shit or if I'm starting to care less but the last thing I want to do is party right now.

I find a comb underneath the sink and run it through my hair before I dig my toothbrush from my bag, squirting a generous amount of paste onto the bristles. I brush my teeth pretty thoroughly and even use a little bit of the mouthwash I find underneath the sink when I put the comb back.

After sparing my reflection one last glimpse in the mirror, I turn to grab my bag, the sight of my phone lighting up in the bottom making my breath leave me. I guess I've been kind of avoiding it all night but I still don't want to respond to dad. At this point, I'm sure I'd sound pissed even through a text. I'll respond tomorrow when I wake up. Maybe.

I quietly ease the door open in case Danny's asleep and his eyelids flutter open. I wince and push the door closed behind me. "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you."

Danny shakes his head and stumbles up from the bed, pushing the covers back to crawl under them. With a heavy exhale, he settles back into the pillow, humming softly as he looks up at me. "I wasn't really sleeping, more like drifting in and out." He yawns, making me think that he's just bullshitting that.

I drop my bag onto the floor and pile my clothes on top of his, kicking them and the bedding further away from the door. I'll get them in the morning, making sure to at least put the sheets and comforter in the wash before I take off. Besides, Kwan'll be driving my car back so I'll have to wait around anyway.

After I find a pillow for myself, I cross over to the light switch, my fingers hesitating on it. "Do you want the light on?" I don't know why I ask, maybe because he was drifting with it on or maybe cause I have no fucking clue how he likes to sleep. Danny's eyes open again and he shakes his head, his tongue darting out to wet his lips again.

I click the light off and stand by the door for a few seconds while I wait for my eyes to adjust to the darkness before I cross the room. I pull back the other side of the covers and climb in next to Danny, pushing the covers between us. He rolls over to face me and the light from the window lets me see the soft smile on his face.

"Thanks for taking care of me," he says, his voice nowhere near as slurred as it was before my shower. I wonder if he's had time to kinda sober up or if he's just quick at recovering from alcohol. I don't know… as much as he ingested and as hammered as he was not even fifteen minutes ago, I doubt it. Maybe he's just in that weird sleepy-drunk stage. Been there enough times that I should be able to recognize it.

I shrug, rolling onto my back to face the ceiling. "Don't worry about it." I invited him to the party tonight. There was no way I was gonna watch him get completely plastered and do nothing to help him. Besides, if I hadn't been there, he might have been still inhaling sand while he slept.

Danny exhales and slides his legs back and forth underneath the sheet. "I'm sorry… for taking you from the party," he says softly and I wonder what his expression is. I close my eyes and try to imagine it but my mind is clouded with alcohol and exhaustion.

"You're not taking me from the party, I'm fucking exhausted," I tell him and it's not a lie. I love partying and especially with my friends but even I can hit a limit and tonight, I definitely did. Besides, it feels weird to party knowing that Keith and Kwan are driving all night to get back to see Keith's sister. "Seriously, I'm fine."

He groans softly and flops onto his back, one arm covering his eyes. I glance toward him and laugh a little at his position. Danny peeks from behind his arm and gives me a smile. "Are you laughing at me?" he asks, and I think I imagine the slight blush on his cheeks. It's fucking dark in here, I wouldn't be able to see it if he was. I give him a smile in response and he covers his face again.

* * *

 

I don't know how long I've drifted for but the sound of the music shutting off wakes me from my dozing and I scrub a hand down my face, trying to find a clock in here somewhere but there's nothing. Seriously? Who doesn't have a clock anymore?

There's quiet talking outside the door and I can see shadows passing in front of the bedroom. For a few seconds, they hover outside and I almost catch what's being said. But the people move away and the shadows disappear. I'm about to flop back down on my pillow but I notice the curled figure next to me, shaking like maybe he's cold. Danny must have kicked the covers off in the night.

I reach to pull them over him again and he lets out a soft whimper, exhaling sharply afterward like he's trying to cover the noise. I don't know if I wasn't supposed to hear it or if he's trying to put on a brave front but I'm pretty sure he's crying.

"Hey… you alright?" I ask him, abandoning the blankets in favor of putting my hand on his shoulder. I may not know that much about him and this may be the first time I've ever seen him cry, but our situations aren't that different. We're both returning home to bruises and lies when we leave this place so… I feel for him. "What is it?"

Danny lets out a strangled noise, curling into the fetal position as he weakly drags the pillow over his head. I hear a muffled cry leave him and fuck, I don't know what to do. If this were me, I'd just pretend I was fine or tell whoever was asking to fuck off but this is Danny and I don't like the thought of him soldiering his emotions alone.

"You can talk to me." I don't know if it helps but I try again. "Seriously, you're… you're not alone." Not tonight…. Not ever. Not with this kind of secret.

I gently give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze and he lets out a pent-up breath, seeming like all of his frustration is out in that one action. He rolls over onto his back and swipes at his eyes, staring up at the ceiling in the silence. I want to say something to help him or take his mind off of it but the silence is too thick for me to break now.

Danny's quiet next to me and other than the sound of our breathing, there's not another sound in the house. I want to ask him what he's feeling or what's running through his mind or even what the fuck is making him so sad, but I don't. I'm shit with words and I'm pretty sure I'd just make the situation worse. Whatever's running through his head, he's dealing with on his own.

The silence doesn't last long before Danny parts his lips, whispering into the darkness. "H-Hey, Dash?" he asks, his voice shaky as he speaks. I turn toward him but his gaze is still on the ceiling.

I run my tongue over my bottom lip, exhaling out before I respond. "Yeah?"

He doesn't speak for a few seconds, the silence blanketing us. I wonder if he's drifted off again but he shifts next to me and I know he's still awake. I don't know if what he's gonna say is really important or if he just wants to hear another voice in the darkness but either way, I'm there. I've been alone through this shit enough times to know that someone else's presence can be a real fucking life-saver.

"Can I ask you something?" Danny whispers, rolling over to face me. I'm still on my back but my head's turned toward him and after a moment, I angle my body toward his. The light from the window filters across his face and I can see the worried look he carries. Like maybe what he has to ask me is important and if I don't say the right thing, he'll retreat in on himself.

I nod but the gesture is probably lost in the darkness. "'Course."

He bites down on his bottom lip and for a second, it looks like he's gonna change his mind and not ask me at all. I don't have any clue what's going through his head and not knowing will probably kill me. Thankfully, he doesn't leave me in suspense for long.

"Do you… Do you ever think about getting out of Amity Park? F-Forever? Just never coming back?" he whispers, all of his words rushing out at once. I lose myself in the way his voice shakes and I don't know how to respond. I don't know if I could ever leave our town for good, it's not really in the cards for me. I've imagined running away a thousand times as I nurse black eyes and bruised ribs but I doubt I could do more than imagine.

"I-I've thought about it, yeah," I respond softly, my breath leaving me as I speak. "I don't think… that I'd really be able to leave forever but yeah, I've definitely… thought about it."

Danny's gaze drops from my face and he slowly lets out a breath. There's silence between us again and I don't know if I've said the right thing or not. Should I have told him no? That it's never crossed my mind? He wouldn't have asked unless he wanted to know that he wasn't alone.

"Sometimes I wish I could leave right now," he whispers and I want to give that to him. I wish I could tell him that we'd hit the road and live off fast food and only stop if my car gave out. Which knowing its brakes, that'd probably happen 50 miles outside the town limit.

I shift a little closer to him, watching the way his gaze rises at the movement. I don't know if he's uncomfortable with my closeness but I don't want these words out there for anyone to hear. I've barely admitted it to Kwan and I can barely believe the words are on the tip of my tongue now. But with Danny breathing softly next to me, it's easy to open up about the things I've only ever thought about.

"I-I want to leave too," I whisper, shakily exhaling. "I don't want to live in Amity Park for the rest of my life, I want out of there. I-I'd like to go to college, learn a few things, live a little. Th-Then maybe settle down in a city somewhere." I swallow back everything else trying to spill from me. There's no need to play what if because I'm not leaving our town, ever. But just because I'm not, doesn't mean that he won't.

Danny looks up at me but I speak before he can. "Y-You will though. I don't doubt that you'll go as far as you possibly can and this town will just be a dot in your rearview mirror one day," I tell him and a small smile pulls at one corner of his mouth. "You'll go far, I know you will. A-And believe me, I'm gonna be watching the paper to read your success story."

He laughs softly and the sound eases some of the tension hanging in the air. It brings a smile to my face and in response, his posture becomes more relaxed. I don't know how long it is that we talk but eventually, the night wears on and we each drift off again, the sound of his quiet breathing lulling me back to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, hello readers! It's been a bit since I've updated, sorry about that. Real life has been kinda hectic, you know? I really appreciate you all sticking around for this fic though.
> 
> Sooooo. We're finally at the beach trip. The infamous beach trip. The one I've been screaming about to AstroPhantom for oh, I don't know. The last ten days?
> 
> I've been really nervous about posting this chapter and I'm not really sure why. I really enjoyed writing this chapter and as a whole, it's still exactly what I wanted it to be. I guess I'm just nervous of you guys' reaction? Might also have to do with the almost-kiss tease, haha. Or the fact that it's over 10k words. (Yeah, whoops. Apparently I get really wordy)
> 
> So, we get to see a LOT more Danny in this one, which I'm sure you're all happy about. They really make quite the pair, huh? Also, what do you guys think of Paulina? And the shit going down with Keith? I'd love to know all of your thoughts, it really brightens my day hearing from you all!
> 
> The song mentioned in the car drive, High Regard, is by The Story So Far and it's the source of this week's chapter title. I don't really feel like the song itself fits this chapter but it kinda does for the Paulina/Dash parts? I don't know, you guys tell me?
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter, please let me know what you think of it! I'll hopefully see you guys next week!


	25. I'm Addicted To Being Broken

Early morning skies are truly some of the greatest masterpieces this world has to offer. Normally if I witness this kind of pink and orange sky, it's cause I'm still awake. Insomnia's usually fucking with me if I'm up to see this kind of coloring to the sky.

But today, there's no one awake with me as I leave the beach house and go down to the sand, standing just far enough to where the water nips at my ankles. I'm completely alone and the silence is only interrupted by the crashing waves.

Right now, in this moment, I feel like all the shit I deal with doesn't matter. Like my problems are all a million fucking miles away. Like if I let it, the ocean would carry me away and leave all my baggage at the shore.

I consider going for a swim but I don't really want to go further than ankle deep in this cold water so I settle for walking the beach with my thoughts and the silence. I pace the length of the sand, finding my shoes in a pile with everyone else's. Mine could use a good rinse off but I'm too lazy to deal with that now. So I just carry them with me as I walk, the heat from the summer dead and buried now.

Being awake before anyone else has this kinda surreal effect on you. Like you're all alone in the entire world or maybe even the entire universe. You can be alone whenever you want but there's something about the early morning air that makes your thoughts almost tangible. It's weird for me cause normally I'd be awake at this hour because I haven't fallen asleep yet. But no, this morning, I'm completely alert. And suddenly aware of a vibration in my pocket.

Oh yeah. I almost forgot I grabbed my phone from my bag on my way out. Kwan's name flashes as my phone vibrates again and I slide my thumb over the screen to answer the call. "Hey man, you guys back in Amity Park?"

Kwan exhales into the receiver and I can hear his frustration. _"Yeah, we're here. Keith's in his sister's room now. I stepped out to call you."_ He lets out a small groan and I wonder how exhausted he is. He drove all night, there's no way he can turn around and come all the way back.

"Listen man," I start, turning my gaze out toward the ocean. The waves gently lap up over the sand and I take a step back before the water can reach me. "Don't worry about coming back today. Just get some rest and drive out tomorrow."

_"You sure?"_ Kwan asks, a tiny bit of relief audible in his voice. Like I would actually ask my best friend to drive four hours on no sleep.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Seriously." I have no fucking clue what Danny and I are gonna do in the meantime but we'll figure something out. "Just text me about what time you think you'll be leaving so Danny and I can be ready to go when you get here."

He sighs again, this time more relieved than frustrated. _"Okay, that sounds good."_

There's a few seconds of silence on the line and I'm sure he can tell I'm hesitating. I want to ask but I don't know if he knows any more than I do and he doesn't offer up any information. Kwan keeps silent while I try to figure out how to word it and thankfully it doesn't take me long to come up with something. There's no point in trying to shy away from the topic.

"Umm… have uh… have you heard anything about Keith's sister?"

Kwan sighs and I wonder if I should have asked. Even if he does know something, he probably doesn't want to pass it back in case Keith doesn't want anyone talking about it. I'm pretty sure if I got some bad news, I wouldn't want anyone passing it around for fucking months, much less an hour after I learned about it.

_"Yeah, she's okay right now. Her doctors think she's going to be alright,"_ he says, sounding just as relieved as I feel. We may be standing miles away but I can feel that same tension ease from my chest at the news of Keith's sister. I don't know her personally and Keith's just my teammate but goddammit, he doesn't deserve all this shit.

"That's good, that's really good," I respond, turning my gaze out on the ocean again, my mind stolen away with my inner thoughts. I think about death and how short a person's life really is. I wonder if Keith's sister hadn't been born this way, would he still need football as an escape? Would he even still play and would he and I have ever crossed paths before now?

* * *

 

I eventually nag Kwan into ending our phone call and getting some sleep and I begin making my way up to the house. I'm pretty sure Kwan's just gonna crash in the waiting room but whatever. As long as he sleeps a little. He probably doesn't want to leave Keith stuck at the hospital with no way to get home. Though I'm not sure how much Keith's actually interested in leaving his sister.

The scent of coffee brewing hits me as soon I step into the house. Oh thank fuck. Surviving the following morning after a party is usually hell on no caffeine. My teammates are great to party with. They're not so great to spend mornings with.

Star's standing in front of the window, absentmindedly stirring her coffee. She looks up when I step inside the kitchen and she half-turns, giving me a smile. Her hair's pulled back into a ponytail and combined with her cutoff shorts and tank-top, she looks like a normal girl. Not like she's the daughter of one of the wealthiest families in Amity Park.

"Hey," she greets, setting her mug on the counter as she ditches the spoon in the sink. "How'd you sleep?" She leans back against the counter, swiping her mug up again and blowing across the top. She arches an eyebrow at me in question and I try to think.

With a shrug, I cross over to the cabinet and dig a mug out for myself, only filling it two-thirds of the way up before I grab the canister of sugar from the counter. "Alright," I tell her, stirring in way too much sugar than any human being should consume first thing in the morning but fuck it.

Star's younger brother Derek is an insomniac like me but he struggles a hell of a lot more with it than I do. I have my sleepless nights and occasionally, my string of sleepless nights but this kid can go for fucking days straight. I'm pretty sure one month he averaged about an hour a night.

He'll be starting high school after we've graduated and Star's probably freaking the fuck out about leaving him alone with her parents. I only know about her family's shit cause I'm in the inner circle. I know how much leaving Amity Park is worrying her and honestly, I wish there was something I could do for her, or her brother.

Neither one of her parents believe that Derek's actually dealing with insomnia. They took away all of his electronics and kept him home for weeks, determined to prove that he was just being difficult. Cause, y'know. That's so much easier than just getting him some fucking treatment.

I take a small sip of my coffee, gauging the taste, before I add a few more drops of milk. I twist the cap back on the carton of milk and let the fridge door close before I speak. "How's uh… how'd you sleep?" I ask, flicking my gaze toward her. I want to ask her how her brother's doing, if her parents are up to the same old shit, but I don't. It's probably none of my business.

She gives me a smile, taking a sip of her coffee before she responds. "Pretty well, actually. Even with Jeff snoring right next door," she says with a laugh. Her eyebrows draw down after a second and the smile slips from her face. "You sure you slept alright?"

Ever since I let it slip that occasionally I can't sleep, Star gets concerned about it. Especially when the bags under my eyes are pretty heavy. I don't remember the last time Paulina asked me about my sleep. If she ever did.

Speak of the devil.

Paulina's footsteps are light as she crosses in front of me to get to the coffee pot, her shoulder brushing against my chest with the movement. She sends a glance my way as I take a step back, keeping distance between us. We're like fireworks around each other. Any kind of friction can set either one of us off and then it's only a matter of time before we're both exploding.

"Have fun babysitting Fenton last night?" she asks, her lips curled into a smirk as she takes a sip of her coffee. That's two things I've never understood. People that can drink their coffee black. And people that give a shit about what other people do.

With a roll of my eyes, I take another couple sips before I set my mug on the counter in front of the coffee pot, flicking my gaze to Star's. "Hey, don't let anyone ditch my mug, I'm gonna grab a shower before someone steals it." Star nods and I hesitate a second before I glance toward Paulina with a shrug. "Danny's a lot of fun to be around."

I don't know why I feel like I should defend him to her – she's clearly made up her mind about him and I seriously doubt there's anything I can do to change that. But she's never explained why she hates him so much and honestly, sometimes I think she hates him just to be a bitch.

Paulina rolls her eyes and I don't wait for a response, sparing a final glance at Star before I head for the shower, taking the stairs two at a time. My teammates definitely won't rise before noon so the shower's gonna be free for a while but still. I'd rather get it over with. Besides, it gets me away from Paulina for now.

I ease the bedroom door open as quietly as I possibly can and when I step inside, I see Danny still sleeping near the edge of the bed, his arm dangling over the side. His hair is plastered to the side of his face and though his mouth is open, he's not snoring. He'd look peaceful if it wasn't for the open mouth thing. He just looks like some kind of fish instead. I grab my bag and leave the room, softly clicking the door shut behind me.

The bathroom's empty again but somebody's shoes and jacket are discarded on the floor. I step over them as I strip down, turning the water on before I dig my outfit from my bag. I grab a towel from underneath the sink and throw it over the shower stall door before I step underneath the water, letting the warmth spread over me.

I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do about staying here an extra night but Star should be cool with it. I hope. If she's not well fuck, Danny and I'll have to grab a ride home with someone. Jeff'd probably be good to take us back. But that also means putting up with Blake... ugh.

My hands run down my body as I soap myself up, turning to face the shower spray. I'm lost in my thoughts and I don't hear movement until the shower door's pulled back and Paulina steps into the stall. She smiles at me as I turn toward her and words don't come to me immediately.

"Hey," she says softly, the curve of her lips driving me wild, just like it's always done in the past. A pink bikini is the only thing between us as she steps closer to me. Her hands touch my chest and I can't think. I lean down to meet her kiss but stop just short of touching my lips to hers. I don't want to get sucked back in to her tidal wave even though she's clearly what my body's interested in.

"What are you doing?" I mumble, my eyes falling closed as our foreheads meet. I don't want to give in to her but my lips brush across hers and it doesn't take long for us to start kissing. We're moving in time to a pace only we've memorized and perfected and fuck, her body fits perfectly against mine. Her fingernails scratch my back and goddammit, she knows how to draw me in.

Our mouths are on each other's and my mind is hazy. Her hands move up to my head and her fucking nails against my scalp is dragging me back to her. It's not until her legs wrap around my waist and I've got her pressed against the wall of the shower stall that I realize what the fuck I'm doing.

I break away from the kiss and turn away, waiting until she slowly drops her legs before I let her go, putting as much distance as I can between us in the limited amount the stall provides. "We can't… do this, Paulina," I say, flicking my gaze up to hers. She's biting her bottom lip, a tiny smirk on her lips and god, it makes me want to fucking kiss her.

"You never had a problem with shower sex before," she says bluntly, a laugh escaping her as she speaks. "Oh come on, Dash. Don't tell me you'll have problems getting it up."

She's still grinning and I don't want this to end like this. I want to crawl back to her and make out until the weekend's over. I want to meet her between classes and sit with her at lunch. I want her to see me as more than what I see myself and I want her to tell me that I'm not fucked up. But that kinda shit's for fairytales and last I checked, we live in the real world.

"No." I slide the stall open and let out a breath, one hand scrubbing down the side of my face. "Seriously, you need to… just go, Paulina." I don't have the energy right now to tell her why it's over, why I can't be with her anymore. Why it hurts so fucking bad to know that this really is the end of us. But it's been a long time coming and if there was ever a time for me to push her away, it's definitely now.

Paulina pouts, sparing a glance at the door before looking back toward me. "Dash… can't we just have the weekend together? I really missed you at my side last night. Parties were always better when I was on your arm."

God-fucking-dammit, how the hell am I supposed to say no? She's everything I wanted when I was a freshman and my stupid heart still can't believe that we dated for as long as we did. It was off and on from the time I joined the Ravens but it was still amazing. She was amazing.

"No," I repeat, seeming like it's the only word I know. When she turns her doe eyes on me again, pinning me in place, I know I only have one shot to push her away before I break and crawl back to her like I always do. "No, Paulina. Cause… cause once the weekend's over, we'll go back to Amity Park. And I'll fuck up somehow and you'll hate me again. I don't want to go through all of our shit again. I'm done, Paulina. I'm just… I'm done."

The sound of my own voice rings in my ears, intermittent with the shower spray, as I stare at Paulina, holding her gaze for as long as I can before I eventually have to look away. "Just go. Please." I gesture toward the open shower stall and she surprises me by getting out. I leave the glass open while she gathers up her clothes, flicking her hair over her shoulder as she looks back toward me.

She opens her mouth like she wants to say something but decides against it, simply stalking out of the bathroom with her clothes thrown over her arm. I watch the door slam closed before I slide the glass shut again, letting the pounding water erase everything from my thoughts for a few more minutes.

* * *

 

Danny's still asleep when I'm finished with my shower so I gather up the pile of our clothes and the bedding from where I kicked it last night and leave him to sleep some more. I check behind a couple of doors before I find the washer and dryer, throwing in the clothes with the comforter. I leave the sheets in a pile on top of the dryer and close the door to the laundry room on my way out.

Star's still in the kitchen when I go downstairs again but she's moved to the breakfast bar. She looks up when I enter and gives me a smile. "Your coffee's probably cold by now," she says with a soft smile and I don't need to even test the mug to know it is.

"Yeah," I respond, dumping the contents down the drain before I rinse it and move back to the coffee pot for a fresh cup. I hesitate a second as I pour the coffee before I glance over my shoulder. "Hey, uhh… any idea where Paulina is?" If I can avoid running into her for as long as possible, that's for the best. She gives me an apologetic look as I reach for the sugar container and I think I already know the answer to my question.

"She left. About ten minutes ago? Just stormed out, saying she'd call me later." Star gives a shrug before her gaze falls back to her magazine. She seems to hesitate for a second before she looks up at me. "She… never told me. What happened between you two?"

This is probably the kind of question she's not supposed to be asking cause she keeps her voice low and glances around the area for anyone listening. When she looks back toward me, she raises an eyebrow, like I'd refuse or some shit.

I exhale as I stir in a bit of milk to my coffee and put the jug back before I move to the breakfast bar, leaning my forearms on it as I talk. "We broke up. She came to the garage to talk and I don't know how it happened, we just… kinda exploded on each other." I take a sip from my coffee, letting it burn the inside of my mouth on the way down. "She left and we haven't really seen each other since. Except for last night."

Star nods, her gaze falling to her magazine again. She flips it closed and pushes it away, leaning forward as she picks up her mug. "You know…" She flicks her gaze up to mine with a quiet exhale and I can tell she's warring with herself. "Paulina's… she's always been kind of…" Her breath leaves her like she can't find the right words and she shakes her head. "You know how she can be. She'll come around," Star says, offering up a smile.

I don't know if I should tell her that I don't want Paulina to come around. I don't know how to tell her that I don't know what the fuck I want but it's not this. The tension between us and the feeling that she'll explode at any moment and we'll all be affected by her shrapnel… it's not what I want at all.

With a shrug, I down a few more gulps of my coffee and set the mug on the counter. "So, listen," I start, keeping my voice soft as I look toward her again. "Last night, Keith's sister was taken to the hospital again."

Star's eyes widen. "Shit. Is she okay?"

"She's fine, at least as far as I know." I exhale slowly, my gaze falling to the counter. I can't even begin to imagine what a day's like for him. Wondering if his sister's gonna make it through the week or even the night. I'd go fucking insane every time I was away from her. "Thing is," I start again, glancing up at Star. "He couldn't find you last night to go home. So I gave him and Kwan my car to drive back with. I was wondering if… maybe I could stay another night here?"

She hesitates for a second before grinning. "Sure. We'll let only a couple people know that we're staying so most of the obnoxious ones go home," she says with a small laugh. "Good thing Paulina's already left."

I can't help it when a grin crosses my face at the idea that maybe Star and Paulina aren't as close as I always thought they were. Kind of nice to know I'm not the only one not on the queen bee's side. "Sounds like fun. Uh… Danny rode out with me, he'll have to stay too." I don't know why but I really hope she doesn't have a problem with him staying. I don't know what he did that was apparently so terrible but Paulina's had a grudge against him for as long as I can remember.

Star makes a small scoff, shaking her head. She looks away from me before she shrugs. "I'm not going to be rude if that's what you're asking about," she says, glancing back toward me. "If you want him around, I'm fine with that."

I don't know what she's heard about him or what her opinion really is. She doesn't look pissed that I'm hanging around him. She just kinda looks like she doesn't understand why I would. I don't get what's so wrong with him. Seriously, what the fuck did he do that was so awful?

She leans closer to me, placing her hands on top of mine. "Just, be careful, okay? He's not…" She exhales, shaking her head as she leans away. "He just may not be who you think he is." Star offers me a smile before she moves around the bar to pour out her coffee. She rinses her mug before letting it sit in the sink.

"Who do we want to let know that we're staying?" she asks, leaning back against the counter with her arms crossed. "I kind of like the idea of having Jeff stay," she says, in an attempt to sound casual. Jeff's already told me and about five other guys that he was fucking Star all summer. I know a hell of a lot more about his sex life than I care to.

I try to cover my grin with a swallow of coffee, shrugging when she looks at me. "Sure, sounds good. Though Blake rode with him so we'll probably be stuck with him."

Star rolls her eyes, shoving away from the counter. "I don't care what anyone says, he was on something last night." She adjusts the strap of her tank-top before leaving the kitchen, her footsteps fading the further away she moves.

After a few seconds, I down the rest of my coffee and rinse the mug, setting it in the sink next to Star's before I leave the kitchen. I follow after her and meet her in the living room. She gestures to a white bag near the hallway and I grab it, gathering up a few of the empty cups left on the coffee table.

We work in silence as we put the living room and most of the downstairs back in order. Some of my teammates stagger downstairs and drink coffee in silence, most of them probably nursing a hangover. A few people, that aren't cheerleaders or any of my teammates, make their way downstairs and out the door. Star keeps an eye on everyone that leaves and only stops to pass on the fact that we're staying another night to a handful of people. Most of the ones she stops stick around but a couple of them leave anyway.

It's just past one in the afternoon when Danny surfaces from the room. I'm switching our clothes and the bedding from the washer to the dryer, when he appears. He catches my eye as he passes by the laundry room and I offer a smile. He doesn't return it, just gestures to the bathroom, before he leaves. I don't know if he's got a bitch of a headache or if he's still trying to wake up but either way, I hope he's cool with sticking around for another night.

Star and I are playing blackjack at the kitchen table when Roxane makes an appearance, easily breezing in to the kitchen and pouring herself a cup of coffee. She swallows a few mouthfuls before making a face, glancing toward us.

"No offense, Star, but you make the worst coffee in the world," Roxane says, setting the mug back on the counter. She glances around the kitchen before taking the sugar container and shaking it into her coffee. She stirs the sugar in before she moves to the table. "What are you guys doing?

I flick my gaze up to hers as Star turns around in her seat. "Playing blackjack," she says, gesturing to the empty chair next to her. "You wanna join?"

Roxane shrugs as she pulls the chair out, sinking down into it as she watches me deal. I'm surprised she's not complaining of a monster headache yet. She was full on drunk before the night was even half-over and literally had to be carried up the stairs.

Star glances toward Roxane with a soft smile and I try to communicate with a pointed look but it goes unnoticed. "So, a couple of us are spending another night here. We're not going to party too hard or anything, just mainly get tipsy and play music," she says with a small laugh. "You interested in sticking around?"

"What, and spend another night with a bunch of you losers?" Roxane rolls her eyes but she's smiling. "Sure, why not?" She sips her coffee again before setting the mug down, nodding toward the cards in my hand. "Deal me in this round."

I gather up the cards and shuffle them again, dealing a hand out to the three of us. We play three rounds before someone joins us. The girls notice him before I do and it takes me a second of trying to figure out why the fuck they've gone silent before I realize who it is.

Danny stands at the edge of the kitchen, fidgeting nervously as he watches the three of us. He looks like he regrets coming down here or maybe just regrets coming to this party at all. I give him a smile and leave my chair, clapping him on the shoulder as I pass by.

"Hey, how'd you sleep?" I ask, crossing the kitchen to get a bottle of water. It takes me a second to find one and when I resurface, I toss one toward Danny. He fumbles but he keeps it from hitting the ground, casting a look my way when he straightens back up.

I move back to the table and sit across from Roxane this time, offering the seat next to me to Danny. He hesitates for a second before crossing over to me, sinking down in the chair with an exhale.

"We're playing blackjack, you wanna join us?" I ask, casting a glance his way. He flicks his gaze up to mine and gives me a small shrug. I deal a round, including Danny this time, and take a glance at my cards before I turn to him. "So listen."

Danny looks up, angling his body toward me and I'm suddenly reminded of last night. I don't know why it makes my face flush but I quickly drop my gaze. I don't need him to figure out what I'm thinking of… god, would he even remember that?

"Yeah?" he prompts, his voice a little gravelly, probably from the hangover. I'd imagine it's a bitch of one considering how much alcohol he put away last night.

For some reason, I'm nervous that he'll get seriously pissed that he has to stay another night. I think my wallet's in my bag, I could give him some cash to get a taxi home. But part of me really hopes he sticks around.

I let out a breath. "Last night… uh… Kwan had to borrow my car to get one of our teammates home… kind of… an emergency situation," I say, twisting the cap off my water bottle. I take a long pull of water before I set the bottle down on the table again, nervously drumming my fingers. "S-So, I told him not to drive back until tomorrow cause he's dead tired. Wh-Which leaves me without a ride home. Uh.. we need to crash here another night." I watch his face carefully but I don't get anything from his expression.

"Okay," he says softly, his gaze falling to his cards. He twists the cap off his water bottle and takes a sip before sparing me another look. "Um… I-I don't know how to play this."

Star makes a soft noise and must take pity on him cause she flips her cards over. "Your goal is to be the first one to get twenty-one points, or the closest you can to it, without going over." She gestures to her cards, a Jack and a three. "All of the face cards like King, Queen, and Jack count for ten points each. So, I only have thirteen points here."

I take the top card off the deck and lean over to flip it face up next to Star's other two. "Aces count for two or eleven points. So she's either busted by reaching twenty-four points or she only has fifteen points. At this point, she can choose to hit again or stay at fifteen."

"Yeah but usually only bitches stop at fifteen points," Roxane says, gesturing to the deck when I look at her. "Hit me, Baxter."

I flip a card over and lay it beside hers. She looks at whatever card she's got and gestures for me to give her another card. I do and she lets out a groan.

"Bust, twenty-six." She shoves her cards to the center of the table and I glance toward Danny.

He looks at his card that's still face down and flicks his gaze up to mine. "Um… h-hit me, I guess," he says, more like a question, and I give him another card. He glances at it for a second before nodding. "What do I do if I don't need any more cards?" he asks.

"You just say you're gonna stay," I respond and he nods, quickly repeating it back to me. He still seems hesitant in all of his movements but the more I keep my gaze on him, the less tension I can see in his body. He seems to relax more the longer we play and I'm down with continuing the game as long as it keeps the tension off his face.

* * *

 

After a while, we kind of abandon the game and then it's just the four of us sitting around talking. Eventually, Jeff and Blake make an appearance and then it's the six of us. We're trading stories, discussing some of the dumbest things we've done. The story of the bus-stealing incident makes the round and we get Danny laughing so hard, he's actually doubled over.

When he sobers up a little, Jeff asks Danny about his story. What's the dumbest thing he's ever done. For a minute, we're all wondering if Danny's even gonna respond cause he's hesitating a lot. But just as I'm about to put the conversation in another direction to get the focus off of him, he speaks.

"So… uhh, my parents are kinda…" He scratches at the back of his head before exhaling, a slight laugh leaving him. It doesn't sound like he's amused, it sounds more frustrated, but he continues. "They work for the government, right?"

He glances around the table and his gaze lingers on me before he drops it to the table. "I uh… I might have stolen some kind of technology from their lab," he says, flicking his gaze back up to me, with a small sheepish smile. "They've never found it either."

Jeff's eyebrows are up on his forehead and he leans in closer as he speaks. "So like… what'd you do with it?"

Danny laughs, his face flushing as he scratches at the back of his head again. "I uh… I just kinda destroyed it?" He laughs again at the look on our faces. "What? It's not like they'll ever be able to trace it back to me."

"That's fucking ballsy man," Jeff says with a grin and I feel the same way. Except, I'm also wondering if that has anything to do with the bruises painted across his chest. I wonder how much of last night Danny remembers. I want to tell him that it's okay if he talks to me about what his parents do when he's alone with them but I don't. I can't bring that shit up in front of everyone. No one at this table knows what my dad does and I wouldn't put that kind of spotlight on Danny.

Danny gives us a few more details about the 'stealing from the government' incident before he turns to me with a smile. "Aside from the bus, what's the dumbest thing you've ever done?" he asks, his smile widening a little as Jeff laughs at the mention of the bus.

I can't think with everyone's eyes on me and the dumbest thing I've really done is probably let Valerie or Kwan know about my dad. But I can't say that to my teammates or to Danny. So I force a grin on my face and tell them about the time Paulina and I downed a whole bottle of wine in one sitting at the end of our sophomore year.

The story gets everyone laughing and by the end of it, I'm kinda able to convince myself that pretending like this good. It's better if they think the dumbest shit I've pulled is alcohol-related. It's a little early to bring up any kind of dark shit. And part of me doesn't want to. This atmosphere is nice and I don't want to destroy it. Especially cause part of me doesn't want to see the grin on Danny's face disappear. I tell myself it's cause I have no idea how often he smiles cause of whatever shit he's going through. But maybe a small part of it is cause happy looks so fucking good on him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooo, look at me updating on time this week. Though I have a feeling it's about to get crazy again pretty soon and I'll miss another week?
> 
> So it's November first now. Which means, NaNoWriMo has arrived and it's time for me to sell my soul to this writing project once more! ...I swear, I actually enjoy NaNo. It always seems so daunting at first though. Also, it feels like yesterday I was talking about Camp NaNo in July.
> 
> Moving on to the story. Whaaaat'd you guys think of this update? Kind of slow in terms of plot development but it's got a lot of character interaction so hopefully you all still enjoy it. Sorry it can't be as teasing as the last update ;) But I'd still love to hear your thoughts, they're very motivating!
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from DKLA by Troye Sivan. Honestly, that one's just a really great song but I think it has some Stay vibes to it? I don't know, the lyric just really spoke to me and it's something Dash probably feels.
> 
> Anyway though, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and again, I love hearing what you think! I'll see you all next chapter!


	26. Our Lives Don't Collide

Most of the people not sticking around for another night are gone by four and I'm channel flipping when the last two, Dale and Seth, pull away from the curb. They didn't drive in together but when Dale offered him a ride home, Seth jumped at the chance to ride in his Dodge Charger. Hell, I think I'd give my left leg to ride in his car, too.

Danny joins me on the couch, a can of Dr. Pepper in his hand. He takes a slow sip from it before he glances toward me. "Anything good on?"

I give him a shrug in response and flip the channel again. Another commercial for a car starts and I let it play through before I switch the channel. Literally nothing's on and I don't know what I expected, it's Saturday.

There wasn't a chance to ask him before now so I cut the television off and flick my gaze to Danny, watching as he swallows. He looks hesitant, like some kind of cornered animal, and fuck, I hate that he knows how that feels.

"Are you sure you're cool with spending the night again?" I ask, exhaling slowly. "I can call a taxi for you, if you want."

Danny shakes his head, glancing behind him before he looks back at me, smiling. "No, it's fine. I like your friends," he says softly, his gaze dropping to the floor. His smile is hesitant but at least it's still there. I'm not really sure how most of them feel about him but… it's good to know that he likes them.

"Y-Yeah?" I ask, moving from the couch. I haven't eaten anything yet and I'm seriously craving some pepperoni pizza. I glance over my shoulder at Danny. "You want to get some pizza?"

Danny stays on the couch for a few seconds before he follows after me. "Sure, that sounds great." He sets his can of soda down on the counter next to the coffee pot and I find my shoes by the front door. Somehow, he managed to keep his on last night and I tell him where to find them. He disappears up the stairs and I tug my shoes on.

Star comes down the stairs with a box in her hands, Jeff and Blake trailing after her, and I glance between the box and her. She raises an eyebrow as she sets the box on the table. "Where are you going?"

Roxane's behind the three of them and crosses her arms as she moves through the kitchen, glancing at me over the breakfast bar. I look her way for a second before I focus on Star, jerking my thumb toward the front door.

"Danny and I are gonna get some pizzas. That place on the boardwalk's still open, right?" I ask, glancing between my teammates.

Star nods, pulling the lid off the box and she unloads a few board games before turning back to me. "Do you need some cash?"

I'm pretty sure I still have an 'emergency' fifty in my wallet. "Nah, I've got it covered," I respond, glancing at the four in the kitchen. "You guys cool with pepperoni?"

They're all quick to agree and Danny's back down the stairs within a few minutes. We leave the house together and the smell of the ocean hits me full-force. God, I remember spending weeks in the summer at this beach with mom and dad. Back before his hands were the only thing we knew. Fuck, life was a hell of a lot simpler back then.

Danny's quiet next to me and we easily fall into step beside each other as we move past the row of houses and onto the boardwalk. I don't know why I suddenly feel the need to play the role of tourist guide but I start pointing out all the places I've been – telling Danny that the ice cream parlor at the end of the boardwalk is the best place to get a waffle cone.

As we move further down the boardwalk, I point out a thrift store that really only has clothes and furniture from the fifties. It's either donated by the old people that live here or by their families, finally going through the attic after their grandparent has started pushing up daisies.

Danny points somewhere out and asks me what it is and I let him know it's the biggest tourist trap ever. They overprice seashells they find on this beach, claiming they're from other countries and shit. Paulina got me one of their shark-tooth necklaces a couple summers ago and neither one of us were sure if it's an actual tooth or just a sharpened shell.

"Next to the tourist trap is an art gallery," I tell him, glancing past him to get a look at the place again. I remember going there with mom one summer while dad slept off his drunk stupor. This beach is where it all first started.

He and mom had been fighting a lot about the financial pressure that trip was taking on us. Dad said it was cause mom didn't know how to budget money. Mom said it was cause dad didn't know how to stop drinking. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs, listening to them argue again and again, my whole summer like one fucked-up soundtrack on repeat. Until the day I got an earful of the remix.

Dad pushed mom and she almost fell over backward. She'd caught herself on the edge of the couch when he hit her across the face. I remember my fists clenching and even though I couldn't have been older than five, I wanted to protect her. I hated hearing the pain in her voice.

Mom called for me and I was flying down the stairs instantly. We left that night and mom said that things might be a little rough for us. She kept telling me that she loved me and we'd figure everything out. We stayed in a hotel that night but dad found us in the morning. Mom put the TV on a cartoon channel and they stood just outside the hotel room. They tried to keep their voices low but I heard every word they exchanged.

Dad begged mom to come back, said he'd fucked up and he'd fucked up bad. He told her he never meant to hit her and that it wouldn't happen again. Mom resisted for a long time but by the end of the conversation she gave in. We went out for ice cream as a family and that night, we stayed in the beach house again.

I lean my arms on the railing outside the pizzeria and let out a breath, staring down at the water I spent a lot of my childhood years in. I've never told anyone that I used to come here as a kid. It isn't really something I like to think about so I never brought it up.

Danny joins me at the railing, leaning his arms on it too. His gaze stays on the ocean and I wonder what's running through his mind. This place holds so many fucked-up memories for me and they're twisted up with some really great ones too. I wish I could learn to separate the two but this place will always remind me of both pain and happiness. Bruises and ice cream. The warm sun on my skin, the scent of the ocean in the air, clashed with the pain of my father's fists and the sound of my mother screaming.

* * *

 

I don't know how long we stand outside the pizzeria but eventually, we make our way inside and order three large pizzas, two with pepperoni and one Danny convinces me to try called "cheeseburger." I didn't think the two could be combined but what the hell, it's worth a shot.

We sit on stools near the front of the shop, staring out at the ocean again, as we wait for the food. I think we say a few words to each other, but we mostly watch people passing by out the window until the pizzas are ready.

I start to give the guy behind the counter my fifty but Danny lays down one first, glancing toward me with a smile before he looks back at the guy. "You can keep the change, I don't care," he says, taking the pizzas from the counter. "Thank you."

We leave the shop together and I have to ask. "Why'd you uh… why'd you pay for that?" I glance toward him, raising an eyebrow. He meets my gaze before shrugging. "I was gonna pay for it, I told Star I was when she offered me some money."

Danny shrugs again, letting out a breath. He glances back toward me with a grin. "Believe me. My parents don't even notice when a fifty goes missing. Not even when _several_ fifties go missing." He turns his gaze back toward the ocean but I think I catch a touch of sadness passing over his face.

The more he talks about his parents, the more it sounds like they're straight up ignoring him. Jesus, I can't even imagine that. My schedule usually conflicts with dad's and we're home at opposite times but at least he acknowledges me even when we're not fighting.

"I'm sorry, man," I mumble, feeling like that's the worst thing I could say right now. There are probably a million better things I could say but I can't think of any of them. I don't know how to tell him that if we'd been friends before now, I wouldn't have let him grow up thinking that he was boring or uninteresting. I wouldn't have let him be ignored and I would have given him the attention he deserves. Cause Danny's the farthest thing from uninteresting. I just hope it's not too late to make sure he sees that.

He exhales but doesn't say anything in response. I wish I could tell him everything my brain's come up with but words aren't easy for me. They've never come to me quickly or at the right times and I really wish it was the thought that counts in these situations. But he'll never know what goes through my brain cause I don't know how to say it.

"It's fine," he finally says, exhaling out as he speaks. I wonder if anyone's said that to him before now or if I'm the first to even think it. God, I wish I could say it. I mean… I could make an incredibly shitty attempt…

"D-Do you need some help carrying those?" I ask, offering to take one of the pizza boxes from him. Danny lets me take the top one before we fall into step beside each other again. Silence usually isn't uncomfortable between us but this feels awkward. It feels like the kind of quiet where we're each waiting for the other to break it. To make it okay again to talk about normal shit. I'm not sure how to make the tension ease between us again but I'm pretty sure poking around in his life isn't the way… but curiosity gets the better of me and I can't stop from asking.

"Um, I-I kinda had a question for you," I say, glancing toward him for a second before focusing on our feet. I don't really want to look at him when I ask this. "I uh… I haven't seen your friends in a long time. I was wondering what happened… to you guys. I thought you were really close."

Danny exhales heavily and it sounds annoyed. I look up at him and he's frowning. Shit. I didn't mean to piss him off, this was supposed to ease tension. Ease, not make it worse.

"S-Sorry man, I don't know why I asked that. I-" He stops me by giving me a look and suddenly everything I was trying to say dies on the tip of my tongue. We come to a stop in the middle of the boardwalk and the sound of seagulls and lapping waves slowly dies out as I listen to him draw in a breath. Fuck, the sound is mesmerizing and I can't stop hearing it on repeat even after he starts talking.

He glances away from me before he speaks, a twinge of sadness in his voice. "Tucker got into college early. Just before our junior year. He's a sophomore right now, at a college in Oregon." He blows out a breath, glancing back toward me with a shrug. "Sam quit high school in the middle of our junior year, comes back every now and again to check in. I'd tell you why she's gone but it's not really my story to tell." He shrugs and starts down the boardwalk again like it doesn't matter but I'm guessing from his reaction, it does.

I jog to catch up with him and before I can open my mouth, Danny glances toward me with another sigh. "Don't say you're sorry and don't say that it sucks. I don't need any kind of sympathy, okay?"

Shit, I really shouldn't have brought this up. I open my mouth to apologize and he raises an eyebrow, almost challenging me to do so. I bite down on my bottom lip instead and turn my gaze toward the row of houses, the one on the end being Star's. It used to be a bright yellow but last year, her family had it repainted into a lonely sort of gray color. I try to focus on that instead but I end up giving a sidelong glance to Danny again.

He rolls his eyes, a small smile pulling at his mouth. "It's fine. Just don't apologize, seriously," he says as we step off the boardwalk. He waits until I look at him again before he bumps his shoulder against mine, letting out a nervous laugh with the movement. I don't feel like the tension's completely gone between us yet, but I'm able to return his smile and nudge him back, and I guess that's a good start.

* * *

 

We're welcomed back like fucking heroes when we bring the pizzas in. Jeff was kicking Blake's ass in Monopoly but they clear the table in a few seconds when they get a look at the pizza boxes Danny and I set on the counter.

"You should try the cheeseburger first," Danny says, grabbing two plates from the cabinet. He passes one to me and shrugs off my thanks. I slide a slice of cheeseburger onto each of our plates before dishing out a slice of pepperoni as well.

Everyone that's decided to stay for the night falls on the pizza like a pack of locusts and Danny and I barely make it out of the feeding frenzy. They're all in the kitchen, talking and laughing really obnoxiously loud, so we move to the living room, sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the couch. We're sort of facing each other and Danny points out a tiny container of pickles on the edge of his plate. "You gotta have some of these on top, they really make it taste like a cheeseburger."

I give him a look and he insists, popping the top off and holding it out toward me. I'm pretty sure I'll never hear the end of it if I don't give this thing the 'full experience' or whatever he'd come up with, so I swipe a few pickles and lay them across my pizza, flicking my gaze up to him. He's not bothering with his own pizza yet, intent on watching my expression, and it makes me snort. "Alright, Danny. If this sucks, I'm gonna kill you."

Fuck me, I can't believe my own taste buds. Forget killing Danny, I want to fucking marry him for introducing me to this. What the hell is with him and finding these amazing foods? He's ruining my life really, that's what his plan is. Turn me off from every other version of the same food.

"Ohmyfuckinggod," I say in one breath, immediately diving in for another bite. This is some of the best shit I've ever tasted and it might even rival that hot dog place he showed me. Danny's grinning and I realize he's still watching me. I reluctantly drop my pizza back onto my plate and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. "Stop staring at me and eat."

Danny laughs softly, finally dropping his gaze to his pizza. "Fine." He places pickles across his pizza before lifting it into his mouth, biting down through it with a grin. He runs his tongue along his top lip before he chews, his gaze falling to his plate as we eat.

We're pretty silent as we eat, the only sounds really being the people in the next room. It sounds like they're fighting over the last plate and I know Jeff is probably just holding his pizza in one hand. Every time we have pizza at his house or anywhere, he just eats it straight out of his hand. I remember when I was over at his place for the first time and his mom commented about my manners being better than his. He flipped me the bird under the table and his parents couldn't figure out what made me laugh so hard.

"So." I swallow a hunk of pizza before I drain a few sips from my Coca-Cola and glance toward Danny. "Where the hell do you find shit like this? It's fucking amazing."

He laughs softly and leans back against the couch, staring up at the ceiling. "I don't know. I just find the best things in random places," he says softly, exhaling. I don't know when the hell he has the time to find all this shit but I'm guessing it's on the nights he doesn't stay with his parents… God, I want to broach the subject so fucking badly but I can't. Not after how badly the questions about his friends went. I can just imagine how well he'd react to me asking if his parents are beating the shit out of him. So I stay silent and he keeps his pain inside.

We only get about half an hour of silence before the others move into the living room, abandoning half-eaten pizza slices on the table and on the counter. Jeff and Blake dive onto the couch behind us and Danny and I move out of the way when they start to wrestle.

"You know what we should do?" Star asks and everyone turns to look at her and she grins. "We should build a fire and sit outside for a while."

Jeff raises up from where he's tackled Blake, the springs in the couch squeaking with the movement. "And do what? Tell ghost stories?"

Danny lets out a snort and I glance toward him but I don't get the chance to ask him what's funny. Star scoffs, talking over Jeff as he starts in with a barrage of most likely god-awful ghost puns.

"No, _Jeff_ ," she responds, rolling her eyes. She places one hand on her hip as she glances around the group of us, all staring up at her. Her grin widens a little. "We play guilty party." While the rest of us give her blank stares in response, Danny lets out a small laugh. Star meets his gaze and she grins. "So you've heard of it?"

Danny rolls his eyes. "'Course. It's the best way to play," he says, glancing around at the rest of us. His eyebrows slowly draw down and he seems to realize that we have no idea what they're talking about. He opens his mouth like he's gonna explain but Star claps her hands together and my attention is back on her.

"So, basically, you all know how to play Never Have I Ever. It's like that, except with a twist," Star says, gesturing for us to follow her. One by one we stagger up from where we're spread across the living room floor and trail after Star.

She's reaching underneath the sink for a box of matches and spins around toward us. "So basically, whoever says 'never have I ever' is judged by the rest of the group to find out if they're telling the truth or lying. Whoever's wrong has to take a shot." Star glances around at us. "Sound good?"

"Sounds fucking awesome," Blake says with an overzealous grin. He's practically bouncing on his heels again as he glances around at all of us. He hesitates a second or two before he moves to the back door. "I'll start gathering up firewood."

As soon as he's disappeared, Star assigns us all tasks. She tells Jeff and I to help Blake and I head for the door before I toss a glance back toward Danny. I want to ask him to come help me find firewood but I'm pretty sure Star won't be awful to him. I think she can already tell that Danny and I are gonna be great friends. At least, I sure as hell hope we will.

* * *

 

The guys and I gather the firewood in about half an hour and Jeff darts inside the house to get the matches from Star. Blake and I surround the pile of wood with stones before Jeff returns, dousing the top of the wood in lighter fluid. He digs a rolled-up newspaper from his back pocket and lights the tip on fire before tossing it onto the middle of the pile of wood.

Flames shoot straight up into the evening sky and we all take a few steps back, giving the fire less of a chance to singe our eyebrows off. Jeff grins at the two of us and behind him, I see Danny and a girl from the cheerleading team, Anna or something, carrying a cooler. Danny grins at me when he looks up and I shoot him a thumbs up.

"Nice fire boys," Anna says, dusting her hands off when they set the cooler down a little bit away from the fire. She takes a few steps closer to the fire and holds her hands out toward it. Danny joins her after a few seconds and he keeps his gaze on the flames.

It's only quiet outside for a few minutes before the others start trickling out of the house and join us at the fire. Roxane's carrying more liquor and she pops open the top of the cooler to drop some of the cans down inside. She pushes the lid shut again before another cheerleader, Sadie Cooper, appears with more ice.

Danny moves away from the fire and back into the house. I consider going inside too, see if there's anything else I can help with but I decide not to. Especially since Roxane tosses a beer can my way. She gives me a smile as I crack it open and drain nearly half of it in one go before lowering the can to my side.

A couple more girls from the cheerleading team make their way outside and within ten minutes, everyone's standing around the fire, Star being the last one out. She pushes the back door shut behind her and joins us at the fire, passing out empty Solo cups and shot glasses.

Once we're each given one of each and the Solo cups have all been filled, we're instructed to sit on one side of the fire. Apparently this game is all about reading facial expressions and body language because Star insists it's very important to watch someone as they're talking. We make a circle on one side of the fire and I grab my beer can from the other side.

"Alright, so," Star says, plopping down next to Danny. He's sandwiched between her and Jeff but he doesn't look uncomfortable at all. In fact, he looks pretty interested in whatever Jeff's saying. My teammate talks a lot of shit but at least his stories are actually worth hearing. "Dash, sit down."

At the mention of my name, I glance up at Star and move to sit beside her. Danny gives me a smile as I sink down in the sand and I nod toward him, still nursing my can of beer. I'm sure by the end of this game we'll both be as drunk as he was last night.

"Play will start with Dash since he's on my right and I make the rules," Star says with a grin. "The way it works is simple, you say something you've never done and everyone in the group takes a sip if they've done that thing. Then, you all vote on if you think Dash was telling the truth. If he wasn't, he has to take a shot of vodka. If he was, then anyone who said he wasn't has to. Got it?" Star glances around at all of us before grinning widely at me. "Dash, start the game."

"Make it a good one!" Blake calls from down the line, his hands cupped around his mouth. Like he needs any kind of amplifier for his loud-ass voice.

I push my cup of beer down in the sand to make it stay upright before I lean back on my hands, staring up at the evening sky. Summers here are hot as hell but autumn is pretty nice. Like the wind has nothing better to do besides blow across all of us, keeping the heat from the fire from being uncomfortable.

"Never have I ever…" I run my tongue across my teeth before grinning toward the others. "Done a keg stand." I know half of my teammates have and Star was known throughout our freshman year as 'the keg stand girl.' It's a reputation she worked really hard to live down.

"You dick," Star mutters, holding her cup with one hand as she takes a sip, her other hand flipping me the bird as she drinks. Her reaction surprises a laugh out of me and Danny glances between us like he's trying to figure out the story behind that response.

After drinks are taken, Star flicks her gaze toward me. "I feel like you would have told me if you'd done a keg stand. At least at some point, it would have come up." She glances toward Danny and he shrugs. "You have to give your answer."

Danny's cheeks are slightly flushed and I know it's not from the fire. It's not that warm and it's barely reaching me even though I'm the closest to the fire. "Um…" He glances down into his cup before shrugging. "I think you probably have."

"I know you haven't man, you woulda told me," Jeff says with a grin, leaning back on his hands to look at Roxane. She doesn't think I have either and the more people that think that, the more I grin. Over half of the people around the fire think I have but the ones that don't are pretty insistent. Even going so far as to say that it's not something I'd be able to keep from anyone.

When the play is back to me, I let out a laugh and tip my cup at them all. "Well, I'll have you know that I have done a keg stand. After freshman year. Remember Blake? During the summer, when we were at that dive bar together in Miami?"

Star and Jeff start arguing with me, trying to say that I purposely said something they'd never witnessed before but I'm too busy paying attention to Blake to really hear what they're saying. His whole face flushes as the memory hits him again and I'm pretty sure he tried to block that from his mind. He was so high off whatever he'd been smoking before we met up that he ended up making out with the bartender for a while before he came to and realized that said bartender was a guy. He nearly had a breakdown and spent the next six weeks texting me to help him figure out if he was gay. I don't really care if he is or isn't, doesn't make a difference to me, but the look on his face tonight is priceless.

"F-Fuck, I remember that man," he says, gesturing for Star to pass him the bottle of vodka. She obliges, glaring at me as I watch Blake pour himself a shot. I'm sure he's washing down the memory of that bar, especially considering how quickly he throws it back.

Shots make their rounds and the play moves to Star. She chews on a hangnail as she thinks of one, her gaze fixated on the water in the silence. No one talks while she thinks and just as Jeff leans across Danny to nudge her, she comes up with something.

"Ooh, I got it!" she says, batting Jeff's hand away. "Never have I ever been to Hawaii."

Danny takes a tentative sip of beer, his cheeks flushing when no one else has. "Y-You guys have seriously never been?" he asks, glancing around the group before his gaze drops to the sand. "It's a great place. Really beautiful." His face is still flushed and he won't lift his gaze from the sand but conversation resumes around him.

I know Star's never been because she was supposed to be there for a cheerleading competition this spring, but she broke her ankle the weekend before. I came over to her house a lot during that week and she surprised me with an impressive collection of video games. And again when she kicked my ass at several titles.

Jeff and Blake are the only two that have to take shots again cause most of the girls know she wasn't at the competition and I guess Danny's just going with popular vote this time. After the boys have downed their shots, the attention turns to Danny and his face is flushed as he speaks.

"Uh… n-never have I ever…" He flicks his gaze up to the group before dropping it again with a small exhale. "Been to space."

Jeff scoffs. "Are you serious, dude? No one here's been to space. You kinda wasted your turn," he says with a shake of his head. "You're telling the truth, obviously. You're too young to go."

Everyone agrees with Jeff and even I have to. Just from what I saw in his bedroom, he's obsessed with space but my teammate's right. He's probably too young to have been in space.

We're all wondering why the hell he decided to waste his turn when Danny suddenly looks up, grinning at all of us. "Actually, I have been. I'm the one and only person born in space." He glances around the group, laughing at the looks on our faces. "No, I'm not shitting you. Google it if you want to."

I'm pretty sure none of them move faster than me but my phone's not in my pocket. Fuck. I must have left it in my bag. Star notices that I'm looking around for my phone and she leans in closer to let me see her screen. The search results that pop up all read something along the lines of, 'Daniel James Fenton – first baby born in space'. A few other headlines read his name followed with, 'Alien or Human?'. Holy fuck. He was actually born in space?

My gaze meets his and he gives a shrug, a small smile on his face. "My mom was pregnant… and she wasn't supposed to be aboard the shuttle." He exhales softly, his gaze falling again. "But she snuck on at the last minute. It… caused a lot of complications during the travel… The trip was cut early after I was born."

It's silent around the circle, the only noise from the crackling fire. None of us are sure where to go from here and to me, the evening feels colder suddenly. I didn't even know it was possible to give birth in space. But apparently, Danny's a miracle. I got that just from a couple headlines about him. God, I can't imagine how he feels. He's gotta be so fucking lonely. The only human ever born in space? That'd sure as hell make me feel like some kind of outsider.

Danny lifts his head and it's like the conversation never happened. A grin stretches across his face and I'm pretty sure he's perfected the art of pretending.

"Looks like we all have to take shots!"

During the next hour of playing, night falls and by then we've all learned a little more about each other than we wanted to know. Jeff tries to bullshit that he's never gotten so drunk that he can't remember his own name. But Star brings up our first end-of-season party in freshman year and even he can't deny how shitfaced he was that time.

Roxane's apparently part of the mile-high club as is another cheerleader – Kallie Newman. Neither of them will tell us who helped them join the club and I'm pretty sure Kallie's is a guy from the football team.

Turns out, Blake was lying when he said he'd never been overseas. He and his sister apparently took a trip to Africa in his freshman year. My teammate, Mitchell has actually taken food out of the garbage and eaten it. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's grossed out by that fact.

It's my turn again and I'm laughing so fucking hard at one of my teammates' friends and his story about jumping off a roof, that my sides are aching. Why the fuck did he think it was a good idea to jump at the height? And how the hell did he not break every bone in his leg?

"Come on, Baxter, give us a good one!" Blake yells at me from across the circle. I'm a little tipsy already but I manage to flip him the bird, coming down from my laughter high. I'm still sporting a wicked grin as I try to think of something I haven't done.

"A-Alright, never…" I take a breath, a small laugh escaping me. "Never have I ever gotten stitches."

Danny's the first one to tip his cup and his cheeks flush again when he catches me looking at him. He ducks his head and scratches at the back of his head. I really hope his parents aren't the reason he's had to get stitches. Dad's hands are only part of the reason why I've had to get stitches before but fuck. I really hope the bruises Danny's sporting are as bad as it's ever been.

Blake takes a sip of his drink and I know that's from when he picked a fight with a guy in a bar. The place was seedy as fuck and we'd both seen the guy swipe Blake's wallet. I told him we could call the police but Blake insisted he handle it himself. Didn't realize the jackass had a knife on him.

When Jeff takes a sip of his drink, Star glances at him, raising an eyebrow in question. His face turns red almost immediately and he lets out an embarrassed laugh. "I uhh… I was playing with my little sister when I was like twelve or something. She threw a toy truck at my face."

Jeff leans forward to give Star a look at the scar that runs through his eyebrow. I remember seeing it before but I never asked him what it was from. I guess I kinda assumed he was born with it.

When everyone votes whether or not I'm telling the truth, I get on my knees and yank my shirt up, showing off the scar running up my pelvic bone. I was swimming with Kwan when we were fourteen and I went a little fast during one of our races. I didn't even feel the pain until Kwan started screaming about the blood in the water. That was the only time I've ever heard my best friend drop the f bomb.

Danny's looking at me when I let the hem of my shirt drop and I'm not cold anymore. My whole body feels too warm and I grab the bottle of vodka from Star before anyone else can. I throw back my shot before passing the bottle. I don't know why but the look on Danny's face is keeping me rooted in place. And shit, I need to jump in the ocean, I'm so fucking warm.

The play moves to Star and the sound of her voice finally pulls my attention from Danny.

"Okay, never have I ever been too sunburnt to wear a shirt," Star says, her gaze flicking between me and Roxane. We've both regaled our friends with the time we were too drunk to remember sunscreen and ended up passed out on the sand for half the day. God, that was when mom was still living with me and dad. She gave me a long talk about sun safety and the chances of getting skin cancer before she finally insisted on applying some cold-ass cream on my skin that hurt more than the burn itself.

I drain the last of the alcohol in my cup and press it down into the sand before I get up. Several heads turn my way and I purposefully don't look toward Danny.

"M'gonna take a piss," I say, walking around the circle to get back to the house. Star left the door unlocked and the dining room light is the only one on. I don't bother to turn anything else on and spend most of my time inside the house tripping over everything left on the floor.

Once I flush the toilet, I splash cold water on my face and take a few even breaths to relax. I can't stop picturing the fucking bruises on Danny's chest and I want to tell him that I saw them last night. I want to tell him that I get it. More than anyone else, I get it. And I just want to help him. No one should ever be alone with that shit. But if I bring it up, then I'll have to explain that I get it so fucking much because I've got the same shit to deal with. I can't talk about my dad here. Not in front of everyone else. My only choice is to force a grin onto my face and pretend that I'm not using the alcohol passed around to numb the way I feel. Thankfully, I've gotten really amazing at bullshitting.

I return to my friends after only a couple minutes inside the house but by then, most of the group is broken up. Half the girls are in the water with my teammates and a handful of guys, while the only people remaining by the fire are Roxane, Star, and Danny. I sink down next to Danny with an exhale, my gaze lingering on the fire. It glows almost purple against the night sky and I try to let it keep my focus rather than Danny. But fuck, it's like the universe is plotting against me.

Danny leans closer to me, his voice hushed as he speaks. "Are you as cold as I am?" he whispers, giving me a small smile when I glance toward him. I consider telling him to move closer to the fire but I don't want him to leave my side. I'm not cold. Especially not with the gentle smile on his face and the memory that just last night, we almost-

I exhale roughly, glancing away from him with a shrug. "It's a little cold out here." I keep my gaze on the fire cause I can't look at him. I can't think about last night. We were both so fucking drunk, we couldn't think. Jesus Christ, today would have been so weird if last night had ended differently. But it didn't, so I just need to stop thinking about it.

He falls silent and I won't let myself look at him again. I don't want to get caught up thinking about all the shit running through my head so I just don't. I can hear the sound of my friends' laughter and the sound of the water splashing from the ocean. I close my eyes to the sound, trying to let it distract me for a little while longer. But Danny's breath hits me as he leans closer once more and the hitch in his voice makes my chest ache.

"I-I moved to Amity Park in the fourth grade. C-Cause reporters were chasing after me and my parents. They all wanted to know about the boy born in space." He exhales slowly, sounding like he's getting ready to start bawling. Fuck, I can't hear him cry again. "I-In the third grade, kids wouldn't talk to me. They all called me 'the alien.' Th-They wanted to know when I was going back to my spaceship a-and I couldn't really deal with it all. I switched schools twice but it happened everywhere. It finally stopped when I came here." Danny sniffles and the sound is deafening in the midst of the laughter from my friends. "I-I thought it'd be worse because it was a small town but no one here has ever heard of me."

I have no fucking idea what to say to him basically giving me a rundown of his shitty childhood. He's dealt with that shit on top of his parents? Jesus, I'd just quit at this point. I think I'd lock myself in my house and never leave. I'm surprised he's even here right now.

"Why'd you bring it up tonight?" I ask, finally opening my eyes and looking toward him. There are tears brimming in his eyes and fuck, it actually causes me physical pain. He's been through so much shit and I've been feeling sorry for myself cause, what? My dad didn't come to my game last night? Why the fuck should I care about that shit?

Danny smiles and it just looks wrong with the tears still in his eyes. "Because I'm tired of hiding out," he says softly, exhaling like he's relieved to finally have it off his chest. "This is my last year in this town and I'm not going to spend it pretending to be someone I'm not." His smile widens and a tiny laugh leaves him. "This year, Amity Park gets to see who I really am. No more secrets."

Fuck, I wish I had that kind of courage. If I was myself and let my secrets go, pretty sure the town would only get a glimpse at the fact that I'm a massive fuck-up. I don't know how to keep myself from asking him if the bruises spreading across his body are one of his secrets, so I just give him a soft smile in response.

I lean forward to look at Star. She's got her gaze on the fire too but next to her is the cooler. She glances my way when I lean out and I point to the cooler.

"Will you toss me a beer?" I don't care how many of these it takes to get me drunk, I'm forgetting this weekend ever happened right now. Cause if I don't, I'll start asking Danny questions and telling him I understand about his fucked-up home life and I won't stop. I'll keep running my mouth and trying to help him until I'm out of oxygen.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yooo readers! How's your week been? Thanks for coming back to this fic!
> 
> Ahhh, sorry this is being posted late in the day. Life gets in the way, y'know? (or in this case, someone adorable was distracting me.)
> 
> So, it's been a week since I started NaNo and I gotta say... it's not going as expected. I'm behind by about 3k words. But I'm planning on doing some writing after this is posted so hopefully I manage to put down a few thousand words. Fingers crossed!
> 
> What do you guys think of this update? There's a bit more plot in this one versus last week's, though overall, it's still slowly progressing. One thing's for sure, the boys are interacting more, huh?
> 
> This chapter's title comes from another song by Troye Sivan. This one's called "Fools" and it's so fucking great? I put it on the Stay playlist because it fits the fic pretty well - in my opinion anyway. (Which btw, the playlist should still come up on 8tracks if you search "Stay".)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please let me know what you think of this update, your thoughts really are motivating. For now, I'm gonna log off, enjoy a nice cup of coffee, and get some writing done! See ya next week!


	27. Came Out Swinging

My mouth tastes like ass. Ugh. Worse than ass. God, what time is it? I don't even know where the hell I am but wherever it is, it's way too fucking bright. I really hope that brightness doesn't mean it's time to get up. I'm too tired for that.

I blindly fling an arm over my eyes to block out most of the obnoxious light. I'm somewhere soft but I'm pretty sure it's a solid surface. Which means I'm not in the sand frying my ass off. At least someone cares enough to carry me inside.

Just as that thought crosses my mind, there's soft laughter next to me and it's pulling me from my sleep. Shit, I wanted to get a few more hours. Who the fuck is even awake right now?

I lift my arm a tiny bit and blink an eye open. It takes my vision a couple of seconds to get used to the sudden, blinding sunlight streaking in through the window. Ugh, it's way too early to be morning already.

Apparently, someone dragged my sorry ass into Star's living room and deposited me on the couch. I still have my jeans on but my shoes and shirt are probably long gone by now. Whoever dragged me inside at least gave me a blanket so I'm not cold.

Kwan and Danny are sitting opposite each other on the floor, both of them clutching mugs of coffee. They're talking quietly and I recognize the sound of my best friend's voice but I can't make out what he's saying. I can see the exhaustion in his features and the dark circles under his eyes. I wonder if he drove through the night, even though I told him not to.

Danny laughs softly again and Kwan's grinning as he flicks his gaze up to me. His smile softens a little and I can see a touch of sadness in his expression. "Hey. How'd you sleep?" Those are the first words I've been able to understand since I woke up and I know whatever I say in response isn't gonna be nearly as coherent.

"Ugh… fucking…" I scrub a hand down my face and let out a loud exhale, squeezing my eyes closed again. I don't want to think or even be awake at this hour. Not to mention the fact that my skull feels like somebody drove a Mack truck through it.

Kwan laughs and the sound is ordinarily fine with me but right now, my head is pounding and his joy at my pain is only serving to irritate me. I flip him the bird and let out a groan, immediately returning my hands to my head. Shit, I feel awful. How much did I have to drink last night? I don't remember much past taking shots.

Danny turns toward me and the sound of his mug clinking against the coffee table is like a fucking gunshot in the silence. "Do you want some aspirin?" he asks softly and my god, he's gotta be used to dealing with drunk people or something cause his voice doesn't make my head ache the way Kwan's did.

I give him a thumbs up as my answer because nodding would be too painful and I'm still learning how words work. Jesus Christ, my head is really trying to kill me. I let my eyes fall closed again cause the light is making it pound worse and I hear Kwan move from his spot on the floor.

He comes to lean against the couch, his back near my head and I'm sure if I opened my eyes and turned just a little, I'd be able to see him. But my head hurts too bad and from the words he starts saying, I don't think he wants anyone to look at him.

"Keith was terrified on the drive home," he barely whispers, his voice quiet enough to not make my head hurt any more than it already is. He exhales softly, the cushion shifting as he settles against it again. "I feel so bad for him. His parents told him not to worry while he was gone this weekend but obviously, he can't even get a few days to himself." Kwan groans softly and I open my eyes again, turning toward him. He's got one hand on his forehead and he looks like there's a hell of a lot more he could tell me right now.

I lick my incredibly dry lips before speaking, my voice hoarse from not being used in a while. "I'm sure he appreciated you being there yesterday." I don't know if that helps but I know my teammate. Keith would never admit it in a million years but he doesn't want to be alone through all of the shit he deals with. Having Kwan there just on the ride home must've been good for him. I'm sure my best friend kept his mind from wandering down too many dark roads.

Kwan sighs a little and turns toward me, offering a small smile. "How's your head?" As soon as I open my mouth to respond with "fucking hurts", Danny returns with the aspirin. And holy fuck, I could cry tears of happiness if it wouldn't cause so much pain.

"Thanks man," I manage, sitting up a little to swallow down a mouthful of water with the two white pills he's brought me. Danny takes the glass from me when I've swallowed and I settle against the couch again as he sets it on the coffee table. He moves beside Kwan again but angles his body toward me, like I'm welcome to join the conversation if I want to.

"So, you were telling me about Jared's photographs," Danny says, propping his elbow on the couch cushion my feet are on. "You said something about Ireland?"

Kwan's face is flushed when I look at him and I can't help the snort that escapes me. They both turn to look at me and my best friend rolls his eyes. "Sh-Shut up and just… sleep off your hangover or something."

He leans back into the couch with a hesitant movement, a smile returning to his face when he looks over to Danny. "Jared's family owns a summer house in Ireland. He plans to study abroad there in his junior or senior year." His cheeks are stained pink again and I wonder how much he's shared with Danny while I was passed out. "He said he… He said he wants to take me to see it one day. He says there's nothing like experiencing it in person."

Danny's smile widens and he nods, listening intently to Kwan's every word. It's weird, watching the two of them like this. I never really imagined that the two of them would get along as easily as they do. But they keep the conversation going and occasionally, I chime in with my own thoughts.

I'm not sure how long I lay there on the couch but by the time Kwan gets up to leave, my headache's gone. I stretch my arms over my head and sit up, flashing a grin at the both of them. "Aspirin's a fucking miracle cure."

Kwan snorts, shaking his head as he digs his keys out of his pocket. "Alright, I'm headed out. I'll see you tomorrow." His gaze drifts from me to Danny, his smile widening a little. "Both of you."

As he starts out of the living room, I move from the couch, the springs squeaking loudly in the silence. "I'll walk you out," I say, gesturing toward the door. Kwan gives me a look of surprise and I roll my eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Believe it or not, I can get my lazy ass up."

He laughs again and gives Danny a wave before we're heading out. He stops to grab the bag he apparently left here on Friday, before he pulls the front door open. The sun is practically blinding as we step outside and I squint against it as I follow him down to his car. There's only a handful of people left and I wonder if Danny and I are gonna be one of the last few to leave.

Kwan opens the trunk of his car and drops his duffel bag inside, exhaling softly as he stares down at the bag. I know there's probably a lot of shit running through his head but I won't let it clog up his mind any more than it already has. I lean against the side of his car, the metal warm against my back, and cross my arms, staring at the house as my headache slowly returns.

"So. You're cool with Danny knowing you play for the other team?" I ask, flicking my gaze over my shoulder. A smile pulls at Kwan's face but it looks kinda sad. It's a weird expression on him and I don't understand it. He slams the trunk closed before coming to lean against the car next to me.

He shrugs as his gaze follows mine, both of us staring at the summer house Star's family bought ages ago. Pretty sure it's been in her family for generations. Kind of a shame the two of us never met as kids at this beach. Bet my summers wouldn't have been nearly as lonely if we had.

"I don't care who knows, Dash," Kwan says softly, drawing my attention back to him. I glance toward him but he keeps his gaze fixed on the house. "I used to but…" He turns toward me with a heavy sigh. "This is my last year in Amity Park. I don't care if the whole town knows that I'm gay. As soon as senior year is over, I'll be with brand new classmates and in a place where no one knows my name. I just… I can't care anymore."

The way he's talking reminds me of what Danny said last night. Something about not being afraid to show who he is anymore. God, who knew they were so alike in a sense? It's really not fair to ask but I keep turning the question over and over in my head. "Y-Yeah, but Fenton?"

I don't know how my best friend feels about him but I really hope he doesn't have the same opinion as most of the cheerleaders do. I don't want to know why Danny's apparently such an awful person to be friends with. I just want Kwan to get along with him cause he's… I don't know what it is about Danny but he's just a lot of fun to be around. He keeps me thinking but distracted just enough to where I can forget some of the stupid shit I deal with.

Kwan shrugs again. "I like Danny, he's nice. We don't really get a chance to talk much but he's in my algebra class."

I almost forgot that they share that class. They're both so fucking smart, no wonder they do. I nod slowly, returning my gaze to the house. Kwan's quiet next to me for a few seconds before his gaze is back on me. "Why? Is there something I should know about him?"

I want to say that we're alike. That he gets the shit beat out of him at home and he's too scared to admit it. I want to tell Kwan that Danny's such a good person – anyone is after dealing with me and algebra more than once. I want to tell him all of it but I can't. It's not my story to give away and Danny doesn't even know that I've figured it out yet. I have to talk to him first.

"Nah, he's cool." I glance back toward Kwan with a grin, knowing that someday, I'll be able to tell him the truth. Tell him that after all these fucking years, I've found someone that's just like me. Someone that deals with the same shit that I do and that they get it like I do. And I'll also have to tell him that more than anything, I wish it wasn't Danny.

* * *

 

Danny's nice enough to grant me taking a shower before we hit the road and I'm really grateful for it. I spend most of it still waking up and by the time I'm out, he's made a new pot of coffee and holy shit, the smell alone is enough to jumpstart me.

I down half of my mug before Star comes down the stairs, her bags by the door. She gives me a grin before swiping a mug of coffee for herself. "You slept like the dead," she says, hiding her grin behind her mug. There's a look in her eyes that says she's teasing me but I don't know why.

"Yeah…?" I say more as a question than a statement, my eyebrows rising the longer she stares at me. "What the hell are you looking at?"

Star laughs softly, taking a sip of her coffee before she answers me. "Maybe it's a good thing you don't remember last night." She flicks her gaze away as I try to recall any of it. I remember sitting on the sand next to Danny and he had tears in his eyes. He told me about moving to Amity Park in the fourth grade… but that's the last thing I remember. Well, not really. I asked Star to pass me a beer cause I remember chugging it. Other than that, it's all pretty hazy.

"Shit," I mumble, taking in another mouthful of my coffee. I have no fucking clue what I did last night and I could have done anything. I really hope I didn't embarrass myself too much. "Was it awful?"

Star glances over at me and laughs softly at the look on my face. "Nothing we haven't seen before. But the strip tease was a nice addition." She takes another sip and I really hope she's joking.

I run a hand through my hair and glance toward the doorway when Danny appears, his bag slung over his shoulder. He gives me a soft smile and I know he's just as ready to get out of here as I am. I swallow the last mouthful of my coffee and rinse the mug out before setting it in the sink.

"Thanks for letting us stay another night," I tell Star and she nods, setting her coffee mug down on the counter.

She opens her arms for a hug and I wrap my arms around her. She squeezes me gently before pulling away with a smile. "Drive safe." Star steps past me and I see the surprise on Danny's face when she opens her arms to him too. "Thanks for your help, Danny, I appreciate it."

He hesitates a few seconds before taking a small step forward to hug her too. "Y-Yeah, anytime." His eyes fall closed for a second before he pulls away, giving her a smile. "Well… you have my number if you need any more help."

She smiles again and moves back to her coffee, waving to the two of us as we leave. I have no idea what they're talking about but it must have been something I missed while I was passed out or drunk off my ass. Either way… I'm a little surprised at how easily they're getting along. I figured it'd take her longer than anyone to welcome Danny in. It's starting to look more and more like Paulina's the only one that hates Danny. I have no idea why and I want to know even more now.

We move outside to my car, throw our duffel bags into the trunk again, and hit the road in pretty much record timing. I still have a bitch of a headache but I'm not letting Danny drive my car. The brakes are hanging on by a fucking thread and I don't want him in the driver's seat if that thread suddenly snaps.

Danny's quiet as I drive and I let the radio play softly in the background. I can't tell if he's being quiet out of respect for my head or because he just doesn't have anything to say. Either way, I focus on putting distance behind us. It's a long way back to Amity Park.

The car's only been on the road for about an hour when Danny's phone starts ringing like crazy. He silences it the first few times, giving me an apologetic smile each time. On the third try, I tell him my headache's gone if he wants to answer it and he quickly does.

"H-Hey, Tuck," he says softly, a smile pulling at his features. He leans back in the seat, laughing softly. "No, you didn't. I'm actually uh… I'm on my way home. Wh-What's up?"

Danny suddenly sounds incredibly nervous and I wonder if it's cause he's in the car with me or if it's something to do with who he's talking to. Before yesterday, he's never brought up his friends and I wonder if he had a reason for not wanting to.

His laughter fills the car again and I find myself smiling at the sound, leaning forward to turn the radio dial down. Danny glances toward me before his gaze drifts out the window again. "Really?" He's grinning like crazy right now and I have no idea what's making him so happy, only that I'm glad he's smiling. I'm guessing he doesn't get to do that too often.

"Please tell me she didn't actually… okay, good." Danny laughs again before glancing my way. "Listen, I'm on my way home so I'll call you when I get there." He hesitates a moment, his gaze darting around the car. "Um… E-Elmerton."

I don't know what his friend thinks of me and my friends but I'm pretty sure he's gonna have a lot of questions as to why Danny was at a party with us. Right now, his face looks flushed and I can only imagine what his friend's saying on the other end.

"T-Tuck, I'll call you when I get home. Yeah, okay." Danny ends the call and exhales out heavily, looking my way with a sheepish expression. "S-Sorry… he can be pretty obnoxious when he wants to talk." He slips his phone into his pocket again and runs a hand through his hair.

I shrug in response. "S'fine with me." I shift lanes before glancing his way again. "He want anything or just called to talk?"

Danny shakes his head, settling back into his seat. "No, he just wanted to talk. We haven't had a chance to since April cause he was vacationing with his family over the summer and I-I was busy." He fidgets for a second before shrugging, his gaze focused out the windshield. "I'll call him when I get home tonight."

We've still got awhile to drive but the only thing I've had since I got up was coffee and that aspirin Danny brought me. I could definitely use some fuel and I'm pretty sure Danny could too. Dunno if he ate while I was passed out but still.

"You want to stop in about an hour to get some lunch?" I ask, glancing toward him. When he looks back at me with a nod, I can't help but add, "Sweet, I'm fucking starving."

* * *

 

The two of us make small talk, discussing our classes and homework and all that shit, until we hit the point where both of our stomachs are making noises and we decide to stop at the next place we see. Unfortunately, we're still in Elmerton so I have no clue if their food is even gonna be any good. Then again, Danny happened across the hot dog place so, anything's worth a shot.

My car's low on gas so we take the first exit off the highway. We're in the least-populated area of Elmerton, meaning there are barely any road signs, which is just great. I'm trying to figure out where the hell we are when Danny spies a tiny gas station off the road, its sign barely hanging on.

I eye it warily, pulling up next to a pump and we climb out of the car, Danny coming to lean beside me as I pop the tank open. I spin the gas cap off, set it on the back of my trunk, and dig my wallet out of my back pocket. I turn to put my card in the slot... but there's nothing there.

"Where the fuck is the card slot?" I ask, glancing around the area. I know this part of Elmerton isn't that populated but shit, do they really not have anywhere for me to put my card?

Danny moves from my car, searching the pump with me. "Maybe you have to go inside?" he asks, glancing toward the front. With a groan, I turn back to my car and lock the door, gesturing for him to follow me.

I hold the door open for him before following inside. There's a young guy working behind the counter, a huge wad of what I hope is gum in his cheek. He glances up from a magazine when we step inside and Danny gives him a bright smile.

"Hi, we couldn't find a place to put a card outside, do we have to come inside to pay for the gas?" Danny asks. The guy stares back blankly at the both of us and Danny tilts his head to one side. "Um… d-do you guys take cards here?"

The guy, Brent as his name-tag says, leans over to spit out the wad in his mouth and ugh, it's definitely not gum. He gives us a gap-toothed grin, his teeth stained brown and yellow. "Ain't got anybody with a card here. Gotta pay with cash, boys."

I open my wallet and pull out the fifty I didn't use on the pizzas and slide it across the counter. "I need twenty on pump three." I wait for him to make change but he just stares at the fifty before flicking his gaze up to me.

A grin tugs at his mouth as he gestures to the bill. "You sure you ain't got anything smaller to pay with?" he asks, reaching out to take the fifty anyway. "We don't make change here."

"Are you fucking with me?"

Danny glances toward me and quickly takes the fifty back from the guy, passing it off to me before he digs out his own wallet. "Here's a twenty, okay?" He drops the bill onto the counter and jerks his thumb out toward the parking lot. "Pump three."

The guy swipes Danny's money and gives us a grin, showing off his missing teeth again. We take our exit and as soon as we're out in the open air, Danny's laughter fills it. I glance toward him, figuring he's gotta be seeing something I'm missing but he's not looking at anything.

"That guy was totally high, did you smell it in there?" he asks, grinning at me. The expression arches the corners of his mouth higher, his eyes looking more crescent-like with the movement.

I glance back toward the gas station and shake my head, flicking my gaze to Danny again. "The tobacco?" Danny was closer than me but I didn't think it had that strong of a scent.

"What? No." Danny shakes his head, casting a glance back to the station before we come to a stop next to my car. "He was smoking marijuana. The scent was everywhere, I can't believe you didn't smell it."

Despite my teammates smoking that shit at a lot of parties in the past, I've never had any of it. Not that the opportunity wasn't given to me. I just… I don't know, I don't want that kind of shit in my lungs. And I was only around Blake once when he smoked it in freshman year and though I definitely remember the way he acted on it, I barely remember what it smelled like.

I give Danny a shrug and start filling my car, the pump cutting off just past fifteen dollars. I try to squeeze out every last drop, even shaking it from side to side and tapping it on the rim, but it's empty. Completely fucking empty, what the hell?

Danny stops me from going back inside to get the guy to give us the fucking twenty dollars' worth and soon, we're back on the road, looking for somewhere to eat. It all looks the same to me – which is, not appetizing at all. He tries to suggest a couple of places but even the outside of these places are seedy. I don't like the looks of any of them.

After half of forever, according to Danny, I find a place that doesn't look like either of us will get stabbed in the parking lot in broad daylight. Sorry to have such high standards, but I'm not in any kind of rush to die.

The inside of the tiny diner I decided on is nice. It's kind of got a 1950's vibe going with the checkered flooring and an actual jukebox standing in the corner. The booths are all red with black tables standing in between them and I feel a little like I've stepped back in time. I can only hope that they take debit cards here.

A few stray people are in some of the booths near the window but most of them look like people on business trips, or the kind of people that you see in places like this. Truck drivers or local people that have more fingers than teeth.

An older waitress comes from behind the counter, looking like she could be somebody's mom, drying her hands on her apron as she nears us. She smiles at the two of us, her red lipstick parting to show off a set of white teeth.

"Aw shoot, honey, welcome to Sweet Susie's Diner and Bakery. Glad to see you, come here, lemme show you to a table." She gestures for us to follow after her and leads us to a table in the back, and Danny and I take a seat on either side of the table.

She digs out a pen and a pad of paper from the front of her apron. "My name's Linda and it'll be my pleasure to serve you. Our special today is beef stew and cornbread muffins, with your choice of two sides." Linda taps the pen against the pad, glancing between the two of us. "Can I get your drink orders?"

Danny and I glance toward each other before I speak. "Uh… a water for me." My head's still pounding and I've heard that water helps. Though that's probably a myth.

"I-I'll have a water as well," Danny says and Linda smiles at us both before dropping two menus on the table.

"Alright, I'll be back out with your waters in a jiffy!" She spins on her heel and quickly marches away from the both of us. I watch her go for a second before focusing on my menu. There're a fuck ton of options for such a small place but that's not actually a bad thing.

I scan the list of items before my eyes catch sight of a huge stack of chocolate chip waffles. Oh fuck yes. Heaven. I haven't had these in forever. Probably since before mom left. Dad and I don't really cook unless it's something we can throw on the grill and usually, even that is too much effort. We're more microwave-meal type of people.

"Everything looks really good," Danny says softly, his gaze meeting mine when I look up. His eyes are quickly drawn back to the menu as he runs his finger down it. "I-I think I like the look of the chicken stir-fry."

I glance down at the menu, quickly finding what he's looking at. "The one in the parmesan sauce?" I ask, and Danny nods in response. Shit, that looks good too. But man alive, I can already smell those waffles. I push my menu aside as Danny continues to look over his, turning my gaze out the window.

This weekend was fucking weird. From taking care of Danny the first night we spent at the beach, to a lot of my friends getting along with him… just straight-up weird. My gaze shifts from the window to Danny again and after a few seconds, he looks up at me, folding his hands over his menu.

"What?" he asks softly, tilting his head to one side as I continue to stare.

I hesitate a few seconds before leaning forward, crossing my own hands on the table. "What was Star talking about before we left? Something about you helping her?"

Danny's gaze falls slightly but a smile pulls at the corners of his mouth. "She uh… she was having trouble with some stuff so I offered some advice. Sh-She seemed to appreciate it a lot." He glances up at me again with a smile, shrugging one shoulder. "It was nothing, really."

There are so many questions crowding up my head, so many things I could ask him in this moment, but I can't find the words. I can't figure out how to phrase, 'are your parents beating the shit out of you?' It's never come up in ordinary conversation. There are no words to ask, 'is all of this an escape to you too?'. But… I need to try. For him. So he knows he's not alone. So he doesn't lay in bed every night wondering what the fuck he's doing wrong.

"Y'know, th-"

The waitress chooses now, the exact moment I've gotten the balls to ask Danny if his parents are absolute dickheads, to appear with our drinks.

"Okay, here you are, two waters." She sets them down on the table and we both move our hands out of the way. She collects our menus before smiling at the two of us. "Have you boys decided what you're having today?"

Danny nods, a smile forming on his lips. "I-I'd like the chicken stir-fry." He ducks his head before glancing toward me. There are so many things still running through my mind, thousands of ways I could phrase the question, but now's not the time. Maybe this waitress has got great timing and saved me from making the rest of the car ride awkward. Thanks, Linda. I owe you one.

* * *

 

Danny and I devour our food like there's not another day left on this earth and holy fucking god, mine's amazing. Danny points out that everything he's seen me eat, I claim is the best thing ever, but I don't care. These waffles actually are.

Linda returns to collect our plates and asks if we'd like anything else to eat. Before Danny can say no, I order us two large chocolate shakes and she leaves to get them for us. Danny raises an eyebrow at me and I grin in response.

"Everyone knows that if you have the chance to get a chocolate shake, you get a fucking chocolate shake, Danny."

He rolls his eyes and his gaze strays out the window again. Clouds are gathered overhead, making the day seem drearier than it is. Or maybe it is dreary. We're both going home to situations we really don't want to be in and this weekend was a major 'leave your problems at the door' kinda weekend. I'm gonna miss it.

"Do you guys do this trip annually?" Danny asks, his gaze remaining out the window as he asks. I wonder if he's asking because he wants to be a part of it again or just because he's curious. This trip has been around since I started playing in freshman year, but knowing the senior players that year, it's probably been around for a long time.

I nod, my gaze straying around inside the diner as I talk. "Yeah. We're creatures of habit, really." I lean back against the booth and fold my arms over my chest, my gaze sweeping over the tacky artwork pinned to the wall. "Every spring break, we're here, same as the weekend after our first game."

Danny smiles, his stare never leaving the window. I don't know what to say in the silence and maybe there's nothing to say. Maybe he doesn't want to make this trip again, maybe he regrets tagging along with us. Fuck, does my mind always have to come up with the worst possible reason?

When the waitress brings our shakes to us, Danny's whole face lights up when he gets a taste. "Good call with this," he says to me with a wide grin. "Dash, it's so good."

I duck my head to grab the straw between my teeth and sip it slowly, the texture just the right kind of thickness for a shake. Shit, this is delicious too. Note to self, even Elmerton has gems in this backwoods part of it. "S'good," I respond and Danny's grin only widens in response as he takes in another slurp.

His gaze drops to the glass before he smiles up at me, tilting his head to one side. "So," he starts, swirling his straw in the shake. His stare doesn't leave mine and I can't tell if he's trying to make conversation or figuring out how to phrase something. "How'd you get started in football?"

It's been so long since someone asked me how I got into the sport, I barely remember the answer. I know I started when I was young but I can't remember if my dad was behind that or not. Maybe mom was…?

"Uh…" I drop my gaze, taking another swallow of the shake before I talk. "When I was in elementary school, I needed something to do so I was signed up for little league. I played off and on throughout junior high but I never really planned to play in high school until I learned that you could skip PE if you're on a sports team."

I chew on the end of my straw a little before swallowing another sip. I nod toward Danny, leaning back in my seat. "How'd you uh… get involved with the space stuff?" I ask, wondering if I shouldn't be because of what he told us on the beach. He's probably interested in it because that's where he was born. Hell, I'd eat up every little artifact about outer space if I'd been born there.

Danny smiles softly, drumming his fingers against the sides of his glass as something outside attracts his attention. It's started raining finally, the sky looking a little like the world's about to end, and the raindrops are softly hitting the window. His smile widens a little at the sight outside.

"Well… the fact that I was… born in space is only part of it," he says, exhaling softly. "My mom was an astronaut s-so I've kind of grown up around it…?" He shrugs, looking back to me with a sad smile. "After I was born, we moved around a lot. Now, they work with the government."

The way he's phrased everything about his parents seems like he has something to hide. But maybe he just never wanted me to figure out about the whole 'born in space' thing until he was ready to bring it up. Or maybe it's because his parents are kicking him around when he's home.

"Yeah but… what got you into it?" I ask, leaning forward when he draws in a small breath. "You can be around something your whole life and still not give a shit about it. So… what's it for you?"

Danny smiles softly, shaking his head like I've found him out or something. Like I've dug deeper than anyone else would. "For me… it's the furthest I can get from Amity Park. You can't really get any further than off the planet."

It's silent between us as I process what he's said. On the beach the other night, he made it seem like Amity Park was the one place that didn't hound him about his birth. If anything… it sounded like he never wanted to leave this place. But… Friday night… when he woke up crying, he talked about wanting to leave Amity Park behind… I don't understand what he wants.

Danny pushes his shake back and stands from the table, giving me a smile when I look up at him. "Come on. For now at least, I've gotta go back." He starts for his wallet but I wave him off, digging out the fifty the loser at the gas station wouldn't take, and lay it on the table.

If he's getting out of Amity Park after graduation, possibly training to go to outer space, I won't see much of him after the school year's over. I don't know why but the thought stirs a kind of longing in me. Almost makes me want to leave this place in the dust too. My teammates and friends might be able to, but I can never leave. Amity Park is my home. It's all I've ever known and all I ever will.

* * *

 

We've just passed the sign that says we're in Amity Park, when my phone starts ringing. I hold the wheel with one hand and dig it out of my pocket with the other, sliding my thumb across the screen to answer the call. "Hello?"

_"Dash, oh my god, my weekend's been insane!"_   Valerie shouts into the phone and I hold mine away from my ear to save my hearing. _"That agent I've been chosen to train under is amazing. She's so good at what she does and she thinks I can really shine here."_

The sheer happiness in her voice brings a smile to my face even if she's speaking at volumes no human being should ever be able to. "Val, that's great. Did she say how long it'd be before your training is done?"

Valerie exhales into the receiver and I hear the start of an engine on her end. When she speaks again, it's at a normal volume this time. _"No, but standard is about a year. I don't really care how long it takes, only that I still have a shot at doing this. Dash, the facility is amazing. Completely state of the art, no expenses spared, it's crazy."_

Conversations like this are what make me wonder what I would have done with my life if things had turned out differently. If I had a shot at getting out of Amity Park, what career would I choose? Would I continue playing football or would something else catch my eye?

"That sounds amazing, Valerie, I'm really happy for you." I glance toward Danny before continuing. "Listen, I've gotta drop Danny off, I'll call you later tonight, okay?"

Val and I hang up with each other and I drop my phone into the cup holder, feeling the tension in my gut beginning to return. It's been a nice weekend without it constantly looming over me. I exhale heavily and the sound draws Danny's attention to me. Might as well ask him while I've got him here.

"S-So this uh… anxiety thing." It feels weird to say it out loud. It's almost like admitting that there's something wrong with me. Is there something wrong with me? What if Danny's the one with anxiety and I'm just being an idiot? God, he's actually been diagnosed with this shit, I just get a little pathetic if dear old dad raises his voice at me.

"Yeah?" Danny prompts softly, reminding me that I was going somewhere by bringing it up. Fuck, he's probably not interested in helping out a shaky, pathetic quarterback. I should be able to deal with my own shit at this point, I've gotten pretty damn good at it.

I clear my throat, more to convince myself to keep going than anything, and keep my stare out the windshield. I don't need to look at him while I bring up this shit. "I-I know you're on medication but before that… is there anything you did to… make it easier?"

Shit, he probably thinks I'm an idiot. Too pathetic to know how to deal with all of this shit on my own. I coulda looked this up on the internet instead of asking him to hold my fucking hand through it. But of course, like always, I take the easy way out.

"Before I was put on medication, I didn't really know what to do. I just focused on putting one foot in front of the other. Getting from one day to the next." Danny shrugs when I finally manage to look his way. "It's probably not the healthiest way to go about it but it's all I knew how to do." He nods toward the windshield. "My car's still at the school if you don't mind dropping me off there."

I switch lanes automatically and Danny sinks down in his seat with a sigh. "Point is… there's a dozen different ways you can make it easier. For me, there were places I just wouldn't go because they made me too anxious. It's why I was excused from PE in the seventh grade."

When I glance toward him, he smiles. "My friend Tucker really thought it was unfair that I didn't have to run or play dodgeball like the rest of the class did but I just couldn't handle even the idea of it. So, my dad talked to the principal and I didn't have to go anymore."

The school is on our immediate right and I go down the winding road, turning over everything Danny's said in my mind. I doubt having someone call my dad and tell him that screaming or throwing shit at me causes me to panic would work. If anything, it'd just escalate the situation. And since there's no way to get out of it at the moment, I'm just stuck until after graduation. Great.

I pull in a few spaces over from where Danny's parked his car and kill the engine, getting out with him. Danny walks around to the back of my car and gets his bag when I unlock the trunk. He slings the bag onto his shoulder and slams the trunk closed again before looking my way with a smile.

"Thanks for convincing me to come, Dash. I had a lot of fun." He turns his gaze skyward with a soft exhale and I can only imagine the thoughts running through his mind right now. Fuck, he's going back to his parents. To probably face more bruises and pain.

He turns his gaze back toward me, still with that same smile he's probably learned how to perfect. "I'll see you tomorrow?" he asks hesitantly, maybe worried that come Monday, my friends and I will pretend this weekend didn't happen. Fuck that, Danny's more than welcome to hang around me if he wants to. I just assumed in the past it was cause my friends weren't exactly welcoming him in with open arms or anything.

"Yeah, man, 'course," I respond, watching when his smile becomes less hesitant. He gives me a nod and starts for his own car. I think about telling him to drive safe or to text me when he gets home so I know he's okay but I can't leave the weekend like this. I can't let him go back to his parents when I know the kind of shit that they do. He doesn't think I'm aware because he was drunk off his ass when I saw the bruises but shit, he was beat pretty fucking badly.

I can't leave like this, watching him get into his car and drive across town to return home to something similar that I'm going to. This is so not fucking fair and if I had a choice, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Not until he was ready to talk about it.

"Hey… Danny?" I call after him and he turns, giving me a curious look as he unlocks his trunk. He tosses his bag inside and slams the door closed again, folding his arms across his chest as he takes a step closer to me.

"Yeah?" he asks softly, his gaze lifted to mine. Dusk is settling in around us and it reminds me of the first night we spent on the beach together. When he stared into my eyes and I thought something else was going to happen instead of him puking. I'd almost prefer to be talking about that instead of this shit. At least then, it wouldn't be so painful to even think about.

I scuff the ground with the toe of my shoe, trying to come up with the right words to say. Some way to let him know that I saw the truth underneath his clothes and he can't hide it from me anymore. I wish there was an easy way to let him know that I get why he's anxious sometimes, and I understand the need to get out of this town so fucking badly that you ache inside. But… maybe there is no perfect way to say it. Maybe I just have to say it.

"The first night we uh… the first night we spent at the beach, you got really drunk," I say softly, hoping that by starting with this, he'll already suspect it. He knew he was bruised when he agreed to come on this trip, maybe he'll start thinking that he brought it up.

I let out a breath when he says nothing and turn my gaze out to the lot, wishing I was anywhere but here. I want to rewind this weekend, leave all the painful shit behind. But if I were to forget the bruises that paint his chest, I wouldn't be able to offer him some kind of support or some shit now. As awkward and uncomfortable as this conversation's gonna be, I have to go through with it.

Danny raises an eyebrow when I turn back to him and I can only imagine the expression I must be wearing. "You puked all over yourself and I helped you change into something else to sleep in," I tell him, watching his eyebrows slowly rise higher on his forehead. "Danny… I-I saw the bruises."

I didn't think I would ever hear those words leave my mouth. It seems foreign to be saying it rather than hearing it, but maybe I've come full circle or some shit. Finally realized that with all the painful shit I deal with, on some level, I can help someone else with it.

"Fuck." Danny turns his gaze to the sky again and he lets out a long breath. I have experience responding to this question and nothing the other person ever said to me made it any easier. So, I keep my mouth shut while he cycles through the endless ways he could deny it. He might try to tell me that it's not what it looks like, or he fell, or he was wrestling with his friends – I've used them all. They won't work with me.

He turns back to me with a shrug. "Long story. I'd tell you but you probably wouldn't believe me," he says with a grin and fuck, of course I wouldn't believe him. He's smart, already got an elaborate story planned out in case someone asks him.

I shrug. "I'm pretty open-minded," I respond, watching his smile slowly slip from his face. I know he's lying. What happened wasn't something dramatic or a hilarious story to pass around. His parents worked him over and fuck, why didn't I pick up on it when I was in his house on Wednesday? When I saw how he reacted to his dad, I should have known.

Danny sighs, shaking his head. "I don't feel like telling the whole thing again. It's pretty long and I don't know about you but I'm exhausted." He gestures toward his car and turns around like that's it. Like I'm just expected to leave it at that and I can't. I won't let him walk away and shoulder this pain alone in darkness and secrecy.

"I know it's your parents," I say, watching his entire body freeze. From his hands clenching at his sides to the ducking motion his head makes, I know I'm right. I've hit the nail on the fucking head and he knows it. He lets out a shaky breath that sounds almost painful as he turns around.

His face is screwed up into an expression somewhere between hurt and disbelief. "What the hell are you talking about?" His arms twitch like they want to cross over his chest again but he doesn't let them. Danny shakes his head again, glancing toward the school before looking back at me, his hands balling into fists at his sides. "You've got it… so wrong, Dash. My parents have nothing to do with this."

"Really?" I demand, taking a step toward him. "If it's such a great story, let me hear it then. Let me hear the lie you've come up with to explain away the damage your parents did." He starts to shake his head, trying to interject, but I won't let him. "Danny, I know it's them. I get it, okay? I'm not about to judge you or any of that shit. I know that some parents can be fucking insane."

Danny shakes his head, putting distance between us quickly, his back hitting his car as he backs up. "Dash, I'm telling you, it's not them," he says, his eyes pleading with me to believe him and fuck I want to. I'd love to believe that his parents aren't fucking him up but there's no other explanation. I'm sure he could come up with a million different excuses but I don't want to hear them. I want to help him. I don't even know how to help myself but fuck, I don't want him to deal with this all alone anymore.

"You don't have to lie to me," I tell him, following him to his car. There's room for maybe one more step between us but I don't take it. I know the feeling of being completely trapped and I don't want to make him feel like I'm boxing him in, making him answer me. "You can tell me the truth, Danny. You're still the same person to me."

Danny's eyes squeeze closed and he shakes his head, dragging in a breath slowly. "N-No, Dash. I-I can't tell you. They're not… m-my parents aren't bad people, I promise you that," he whispers, his eyes fluttering open. He meets my gaze, begging once more for me to understand. To let it go. But I can't.

Fuck boxing him in, I need to get him to hear me. I've never been good with words and for the most part, I still fucking suck, but I can do this. I know I can reach him and get him to listen, to understand that it's not his fault. He can be honest with me and I won't judge him or tell anyone. I just need him to know that I'm safe to talk to.

I lean forward and slowly place my hands on either side of his head, Danny watching my every movement. His bottom lip disappears between his teeth and he shakes his head, probably asking me not to say it again. Not to ask, or bring it up. But he's gotta talk to someone, and yeah, I'd like it if that someone was me.

"Danny… are your parents abusing you?" I ask, my voice quieter than I thought it was gonna be. My tone is soft too, almost like I'm trying to console him, let him know that it really is okay to be honest with me. "It's gonna be okay, you can tell me."

He drags in another breath, pushing back against the car as much as he can. "N-No, they're not." Danny lets out a shaky exhale, tears gathered in the corners of his eyes when he meets my gaze. He's lying. "P-Please, Dash, they're not. I promise. P-Please believe me."

I shake my head in response, watching his expression fall. "I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't." Why else would he get this upset? Why would he deny it so hard and back away from me if it wasn't true? He's protecting them and I understand it so fucking much.

"Th-Then I can't do this," he says softly, ducking underneath my arm and moving to the other side of the car in one movement. I follow after him but he's already climbing into the driver's seat. I hold the door open with one hand and he looks up at me, pleading with me to just let him go. "Dash, p-please don't text me anymore." His gaze drops to the steering wheel and he turns in the seat, buckling the belt with a sigh. The tears that were gathered in his eyes just moments ago are now traveling down his cheeks and I hate that I'm to blame for them.

Danny meets my gaze again and he looks like he's torn. Between wanting to tell me the truth and wanting to keep the pain close to him, tightly locked against his chest like I do. I wish there was something to convince him otherwise but there's not. And I pushed too hard, made him retreat. I won't be able to drag him away from his house for a few hours or a weekend again.

"I'm-"

He grabs the door from me and tugs my grip off of it, slamming it closed before starting the engine. I try talking again, explaining that I get it but he ignores me, slowly pulling forward out of the parking space. I consider standing in his way but I don't move. I just watch his car leave the parking lot and know that for once, I did the right thing. And fucked it up so badly.

* * *

 

I can't even think straight for most of the time I spend driving around after leaving the school, still trying to process everything that happened. I should have waited longer. Until he was ready to be honest with me, open up a little more. I could have handled it differently and the outcome would have been so much better, but I didn't. I fucked it up, like I always somehow do.

I'm already on edge and pissed as fuck when I walk through the door. Maybe that's why the sight of my dad, waiting up on me, makes me scoff. He meets my gaze and I should probably be more concerned with the look in his eyes.

"It's a little late to start playing the parental role, dad," I snap, moving past him to get to the stairs. Shit, I forgot my bag. Amidst all the thoughts of hating myself for pushing Danny and wondering what he's returning home to tonight, I forgot to get my bag from my car. Oh whatever, I'll get it in the morning.

"You didn't respond to my messages all weekend, Dash," dad says, his voice making shivers run down my spine. Fuck it, I can't be scared of him. I'm too pissed to feel anything else. What did he expect me to do, drop everything just cause he told me to?

I roll my eyes and continue for the stairs. "Yeah, that's cause I was four hours away and couldn't actually get home." I don't know why but I turn toward him again and he's up from the couch. It should be the last thing on my mind given everything that just happened with Danny but I can't help it, the question spills from me before I can stop it. "Why the hell couldn't you make it to the game?"

Dad exhales roughly, his eyebrows down as he takes a step toward me. "I don't owe you an explanation, Dash. Work was busy, I had to-"

"Bullshit," I spit, my teeth gritting together. I know I should just back the fuck down if I don't want to start tomorrow off in pain but I can't help it. I'm pissed as hell and I can't stop talking. "It was one night, dad. All I asked you for was one night. And you couldn't even give me that."

"I told you, I-"

I take a step back, shaking my head. I don't want to hear his laundry list of excuses. "I don't care." I'm not even that pissed off with him, the fact that he didn't come to my game is such a small thing in comparison to the shit that Danny's going through, but I can't stop. I want to be angry at something and somebody that can take it. "And you don't either. You don't care about what goes on in my life, you only want me to do what you tell me to. That's why you texted me the other night, cause if I'm home, you get to control me. You get to use me as your fucking punching bag. You-"

Maybe it's cause for some reason, I wasn't expecting it. Or maybe it's cause his eyes are clear and I know he hasn't been drinking. Whatever it is… I don't see the punch coming until he's landed it to my right eye and I can barely see.

I stagger backwards, one hand flying up to my face. I'm staring back at him in what I guess is horror and dad wastes no time in advancing. He lands another hit to my face, splitting my lip instantly. I feel the blood run down my chin and I can't think. The part of my brain that normally registers pain has gone dead as I watch my dad swing at me again.

This time, I manage to duck and he misses another punch to me. My whole body is shaking and trembling and it's only making him angrier. I keep facing him, slowly backing out of the room, and he follows after me, the expression on his face miles beyond angry.

"You think you can talk to me like that, you piece of shit?" he demands, swinging again. I don't manage to get out of the way in time and the edge of his fist clips my ear, the sound so fucking loud. I move faster, trying to keep distance between us, but he keeps pace with me.

Dad gets my other eye and I stumble, almost losing my footing. I know if I go down, he won't stop until I'm bruised from head to toe and I can't do that. I have to get the hell out of here before he puts marks all over my torso and I won't be able to move.

"Just cause you spent the weekend away, you're suddenly all grown up and ready to talk to me like that, huh?" he questions, getting in a punch to my chin. Fuck, that's gonna bruise for sure. I stumble backward, somehow making it to the door with a bit of space between us. I twist the knob as fast as I can, thankful that I forgot to turn the lock when I came inside, and fling the door open.

I leave it open as I push open the screen door and stumble out onto the sidewalk. My face is already aching and I can't do this, I can't let him bruise me all over. He's following after me, his shouts probably heard down the street but I don't take my eyes off my car. All I have to do is get in the driver's seat and he can't get to me. I just have to drive. I can-

Dad's hands shove me from behind and I trip, hitting the side of my face on the pavement. I don't know how, I should be too stunned to move, but I'm instantly up again, scrambling away from him. I make it to my car before he can catch up to me and I slide into the driver's side, slamming the door closed behind me with panting breaths, my fingers trembling as I push the lock button. Dad stands outside, pounding on the glass while he screams shit I block out.

I can't believe I actually picked myself up and got into my car before he could get to me. I don't think our neighbors need any more of this show, so I pull out of the driveway, half-hoping dad doesn't move out of the way and I can back the car over him.

My hands are shaking so badly and I think I'm actually gonna puke as I drive away. I can barely breathe and it's like this every time his fists meet my face.

I drive in silence for probably an hour before I pull off to the side of the road and dig my phone out. It takes me twice as long as it should to type our coded message but at least I manage to hit the send button.

**To: Kwan**

_**Something happened, can I crash with you tonight?** _

It sounds calmer than I actually feel, which is good cause I'm freaking the fuck out in reality. My hands are shaking too badly to keep a hold on my phone so I set it on the passenger seat, trying really hard not to break down. I'm wound so fucking tightly and at any moment, my inner thread could snap and I'll crumble to pieces all over the inside of my car.

The only thing my brain settles on thinking about is the fact that I got away. Instead of laying on the floor and taking it or letting him get his anger out on me, I left. I don't know where the fuck that kind of courage came from but I'm out and I'm not going back till the morning. I'll sleep in my car if Kwan says no, I don't care. I'm not going back there tonight.

Just as I manage to come down from the shakes, my phone vibrates on the passenger seat and I slowly reach for it. I have to read over the message twice because despite how fucking hard I tried, my eyes fill with tears the instant I see Kwan's name on my screen. He's always so selfless and I don't think I've ever deserved to call him my best friend.

**From: Kwan**

_**Of course. I'm always here for you, Dash. Come on, I'll be downstairs waiting.** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooo, guys! Thanks for coming back for another week! Sorry posting has been so sporadic lately. There's so much shit going on right now, I can't even begin to describe it. Hopefully things will settle down relatively soon and we'll be back to once a week for the chapters. Until then, I really do appreciate your patience.
> 
> As a warning, this author's note is gonna be a bit lengthier than usual cause there's a lot of stuff I missed saying last week along with things I need to say about this chapter. So, if you don't care that much for author's notes, then I thank you for reading, I hope you have a wonderful week (two weeks?) and I'd love to know your thoughts on this week's chapter!
> 
> Okay, for those of you that like reading notes, here we go!
> 
> So, last week I was a bit rushed posting the chapter. I was about to enter into a couple of writing sprints with a friend of mine and I sped through the updating process because I wanted to put some words down on this fic. Because of my rush job, I ended up not saying a few things I wanted to last chapter so for this next paragraph, I'm gonna clear up some stuff there. Starting with the whole 'born in space' thing.
> 
> I did a lot of research before I put that part in the story and talked to a few people about the whole concept and through this, I came to know the facts. While no one has been born in space, it's not entirely impossible. As long as the baby returns to earth relatively soon after they've exited the womb, there won't be any long-term consequences or struggles for the baby. I noticed a lot of you asking last chapter how Maddie was able to sneak on-board the shuttle being pregnant and my only response to that is, she's a Fenton. They find their ways.
> 
> That's the major thing I wanted to talk about last week that I missed and the rest are kinda small points but I'll include them anyway.
> 
> The pizza that Danny introduces Dash to is fucking amazing. If any of you ever get the chance to try cheeseburger pizza, you need to. Also, Howard's a dick. Just putting that out there.
> 
> So, last chapter you finally got to see what happened with Sam and Tucker! I'd love to know your thoughts on that. There were many different avenues I could have gone with for those two characters and I feel that the ones I chose are fairly accurate in terms of their canon personalities. Hopefully you all will agree when more information is revealed as well as when the story progresses to the reasoning behind Sam's disappearance.
> 
> Alright, that's mostly everything I wanted to cover from last week so I'll quickly recap this week's chapter and send you guys on your way.
> 
> First things first. Huge shout-out to my beta-reader Astro for reading this chapter as quickly as they did. This chapter in particular is over 10k words and like… Astro, you the real MVP.
> 
> What'd you guys think of this chapter? How'd you like Kwan and Danny's interaction? What do you think is happening with Danny? Were you happy that Dash left his house instead of putting up with his dad? Was that scene between Dash and Danny as angsty as you've all been waiting for? (These are all very important questions and not ways to inflate my ego, trust me)
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from the song "The Bastards, The Vultures, The Wolves" by The Wonder Years. The full lyric is, "And yeah I came out swinging/But I'm still walking out with two black eyes and a split lip". I'd never officially picked a chapter to assign this lyric to but I've always known it'd end up being a chapter title. I felt that given the last scene in this chapter, the lyric finally had a match.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading this chapter and the fic in general. I really appreciate each one of you, your comments and thoughts are so appreciated. And if you've read this far, have a virtual football-shaped cookie. (Or one in the shape of a broken quarterback, whatever you prefer ;p)
> 
> Have a great week, I'll see you next time!


	28. A Pair of Broken Friends

Kwan's mom has always welcomed me into their home like a second son, and tonight is no different. She comes to the door when Kwan opens it and gestures me inside, folding her robe closed when the night air reaches her.

It's just the three of us and I don't know how to ask why his mom's still awake. We awkwardly make our way into the kitchen amidst broken small talk about this weekend and the game. His mom insists on making me an omelet and I don't fight her that hard. It's just past ten and the last thing I've had to eat was those waffles with Danny…shit.

With everything that happened with dad, I kind of forgot about the argument Danny and I had. Which is probably why I spend the first ten minutes in Kwan's house staring down at my phone. I'm busy wondering if Danny would be angry with me if I were to text him anyway.

"Sweetie, do you want cheese?"

I glance up at the question, seeing Mrs. Young with her hand poised over a bag of shredded cheddar, waiting to drop a handful into a bowl. She raises her eyebrow at the question and the simple gesture seems more mom-like than all the things my mom ever did.

"Y-Yes," I respond and she continues adding ingredients and stirring as she goes. Kwan joins me at the table and exhales softly, glancing my way. We both know that we don't talk about my shit in front of adults so we stay silent. I guess we're both waiting for each other to come up with something to talk about.

I almost want his advice about the whole Danny thing but it's not something I can bring up with his mom here. Even if she knew about my shit, I don't think I could bring up everything about him in front of her. I don't know if I'll be able to talk about him with just Kwan.

"So, your weekend was good?" his mom asks, flicking her gaze between the two of us with a gentle smile. I have no clue if Kwan told her why his was cut short but it's probably not hard to guess that he didn't mention Keith.

I shrug, leaning back in the chair. "Yeah, it was. We were celebrating the first game of the season so my team was obnoxious and crazy like every year." I meet her gaze and force a smile onto my face. If she believes that this weekend was fine, maybe she won't ask about my face. I know as soon as that thought crosses my mind that it's all that's running through hers.

Mrs. Young's gaze rakes over the starting bruises and split lip and I glance away from her. She'll probably ask before the night is up but I can't answer those questions. I can't be under anyone's scrutiny right now. I'll fucking crack and tell them everything.

"How's Keith?" I ask softly and Kwan glances up at the question. I spoke quietly enough and his mom is distracted by cooking, but Kwan still checks over my shoulder before leaning back in his chair with a heavy sigh.

Kwan shakes his head, his gaze straying around the dining room. "He was a wreck on the way home," he whispers, shaking his head again before looking my way. "Even now, he's still really… fragile."

I can only imagine what seeing a sibling in the hospital is like but I'm guessing it's pretty traumatic. Or at the very least, it's gotta be frightening. "Yeah… I doubt this weekend was as relaxing for him as it was for the rest of our team."

He nods and it falls silent, a thousand things we could each say hanging like tangible thoughts in the silence between us. I know as soon as we're upstairs, he'll ask and I'll have to tell him about my dad. He'll ask if my face is all and probably won't believe me when I say yes, even though this time, it's the truth. When did my life turn into a goddamn soap opera?

Kwan abruptly pushes away from the table, signaling for me to follow after him. His mom casts a curious look our way but she doesn't stop us, just keeps on cooking. There's a sinking feeling in my gut and I'm pretty sure I know why I'm being led away.

We turn into his parents' bedroom and he directs me to the attached bathroom. "Sit," he says, opening a cabinet and rifling through a plastic container. I take a seat on the edge of the tub and watch my best friend dig through their make-shift first aid kit. His posture is tense in general but I'm starting to think it's not entirely because of me.

He turns to face me before I can ask him anything and he wets a cloth with some alcohol. "Probably gonna hurt," he tells me, placing his hand under my chin. He tilts my head back and gently runs the cloth down the side of my face. Or at least I assume that he's trying to be gentle. It feels more like he's using a cheese grater and I'm sure he knows what I think with the sharp inhales I make.

"Hold still, it needs to be cleaned," Kwan tells me, continuing on his grating crusade. There's nothing I can really do to stop him so I just have to grit my teeth and wait for him to finish. Feels like it takes for-fucking-ever but he finally lets go of my head and steps back.

Kwan tilts his head to one side as he takes a look at the damage. "I doubt you want to put a bandage over that," he says, tossing the cloth in a laundry basket underneath the sink. He closes the cabinet before he crosses his arms and leans his back against it. "You want to tell me what happened?"

It's still so fresh in my mind, I don't really want to talk about it. I shake my head, my gaze dropping to the tile. It's quiet between us and I know he's waiting for me to give in. But I don't want to talk about it yet. I'm afraid if I start talking, my eyes will water and then his mom will want so many answers that I just can't give.

"Not really," I say, glancing up at my best friend with a shrug. "Gimme a while to process it." I'm still picturing dad's angry face and his words and his fists. I don't really want to dissect my feelings on it so I don't. I just stop thinking about it.

He pushes away from the counter with a shrug. "Okay." He turns to leave and he's definitely not just tense cause of me. I know Kwan. He'd never let me off that easily.

"Hey, wait." I stand from the tub and grab his arm before he can exit the bathroom. Kwan lets out an exhale but glances at me with one eyebrow raised. I don't know why he's upset but something's definitely bothering him. "What's up with you, man?"

Kwan holds my gaze for a few seconds before shaking his head with a smile. "Nothing. Come on, mom's probably done with your food."

He turns to go and I let him. But the smile never reached his eyes and I know he was faking it. Normally, that's my job. There's something eating away at my best friend. And I wish I was good enough with words to let him know that he can tell me.

* * *

 

Kwan's mom is one of the best cooks in the world. I've said it before and I stand by it. Holy shit, I barely breathe as I consume the omelet she's prepared for me. It brings a smile to her face when I tell her how much I love it and I'm sure, me practically licking my plate clean acts as another compliment.

When I'm finished eating, she takes the plate from me before I can move. I offer to help clean up but she just waves me upstairs. Kwan's already dressed for bed but I feel like I should take a shower before I crawl in bed.

"Towels are under the sink, I'll get the mattress ready in the meantime," Kwan says, reminding me that he doesn't have to ask to know what I'm thinking. We've known each other so long, we can communicate through glances and purposeful silences now. To anyone else, that's probably fucking creepy.

I drop my bag in Kwan's bedroom and dig through it to find the outfit I washed at Star's house yesterday. While Danny was still sleeping off the hangover and didn't know that I'd seen the bruises. Too bad we couldn't go back to that day, pretend for a little while longer.

"Do you need something to sleep in?" he asks, getting a look at the jeans and t-shirt I've pulled out. He shakes his head before crossing over to his closet, pulling out a pair of pajama pants and a shirt for me, along with a pair of boxers. "Here, this'll be more comfortable."

I mumble my thanks and move into the bathroom, turning the shower water on. I glance in the mirror and honestly, my face has looked worse. I can tell my eyes are gonna be bruised by the morning, my nose is set at a god-awful angle, and my split lip is crusted over with blood. But still. I've seen worse.

The shower water is warm and I don't ever want to leave it. I feel like I should cry or something, expel all these feelings twisted up inside of myself but I don't. Tears don't come and it's not like I'm gonna force them. So I just shower and get out, toweling off before I dress.

I'm almost across the landing when I hear Mrs. Young call out to me. Shit. I turn back to the sound, offering up a small smile as she finishes climbing the stairs. "Yes?" If she thinks I'm okay, maybe she won't ask. As it is, my tone of voice makes her hesitate.

She crosses her arms over her chest and lets out a soft breath, her voice dropping to a whisper. "Honey, if… if there's something going on, you can talk to me. You know that, right?" she asks, glancing toward her son's closed bedroom door. I wonder if she's thinking about all the time lost between them when she didn't know he wasn't interested in girls.

I'm not exactly the most attentive person in the world but even I picked up that Kwan wasn't really paying attention to any of the girls we go to school with. And the more parties we went to, the more often he'd end up alone outside.

I don't even know which one of us finally brought it up but it ended with him hysterically sobbing against my chest and begging me to tell him what was wrong with him. I think we crashed at Blake's that night but I don't know. All I remember is laying side by side in a bed that was definitely not mine while I told him stories to keep his mind distracted.

Mrs. Young flicks her gaze back to me, shrugging a shoulder. "If you change your mind… you know where to find me." Her touch is gentle when she rests her hand on my shoulder, an even gentler smile on her face. "Goodnight, Dash."

"Night," I mumble, waiting until she starts down the stairs before I turn the knob.

Kwan's on his phone when I step into his bedroom. Like he said he would, the air mattress is blown up, with bedding already on it. He glances up and clicks his phone off. I drop my clothes from today on top of my duffel bag and close the door behind me.

"Thanks for the clothes," I mumble, crossing the room to get to the bed. I ease down onto it and drop my phone on the patch of carpet between Kwan's bed and the air mattress.

Kwan scoots down on his bed, mirroring my position with his elbow crooked and his head in the palm of his hand. He nods toward my face and my gaze falls. I know what he's asking and it's not exactly something I'm eager to talk about.

I let out a breath and roll onto my back, my gaze turning to the ceiling. "Y'know how it is. Dad was dad." There's no point in trying to make up an excuse for why dad felt the need to get his anger out on me, it's nothing new.

My best friend meets my gaze when I turn my head toward him and my swallow is loud in the silence. I let out a shaky exhale, looking away from him again. "I don't know man… it was weird this time." I don't really want to explain the whole 'dad was so fucking angry, I thought I was gonna die' part cause Kwan basically already knows that. He got a front row seat to that shit-show two summers ago. Dad swaying and throwing punches is really something.

"What do you mean?" Kwan asks, his phone vibrating softly against his mattress. He flips the ringer off and his attention returns to me. I almost wish I'd stayed with dad tonight. Sure, he woulda worked me over and tomorrow would be way more fucking painful but at least then I wouldn't be having this awkward conversation. Ah, fuck that, Kwan would ask these questions as soon as he got a look at my face.

I run through everything that happened today, from leaving the beach house to the argument with Danny, to this conversation in my head. It's hard to believe all of this shit has happened in one twenty-four-hour period. Kwan clears his throat and I know my time with my thoughts is up.

"He uh… he was just… it was like he was angry for no reason," I finally say, turning back to Kwan with a shrug. "S'weird, he's never been that pissed off without me doing something to piss him off." I let my gaze fall again and Kwan roughly exhales.

Kwan moves from his position stretched out on the bed to sitting up again. "Maybe it's weird for you because you're finally having to see the fact that he's a dick regardless of what you do," he says, glancing my way with an apologetic look. "Sorry, but it's true."

I groan softly and he looks toward me. I wish there was something I could say to get Kwan to realize that dad's not always bad. Yeah, my dad gets drunk and pretty pissed off but I think… underneath all of the bullshit, he still cares about me. Fuck, maybe I just like thinking that cause it'd be too painful to assume anything else.

"I'll be fine, Kwan," I say, rolling my eyes as soon as he scoffs. "Seriously, it barely hurts."

Kwan raises an eyebrow when he looks at me, nodding toward the starting bruises. "Is your face all?" He doesn't look convinced when I nod but he doesn't push it, turning his gaze to his bed.

He finds the remote for the television and clicks it on, letting me know that I don't have to talk about anything unless I want to. And while I'd love to let our heart-to-heart end there, all this shit with Danny is still bugging me. It's not really fair of me to talk to anyone else about whatever the hell's going on with him but… I've gotta get it out of my head. And Kwan's definitely the safest person to talk to.

"Hey man, listen…" I start, my eyes flicking down to the television. There's some news report going on that Kwan dials the volume down on to let me speak. "There's uh… Something else."

"Something else with you?" he asks, leaning back against his headboard.

I shake my head and look toward him. "No, with Danny." I can see the momentary surprise on his face before I start talking. "S-So, we drove down to the beach together, right? And it was fine, we were making jokes and having a good time. But he reached for some CDs or some shit in the backseat. And I-I don't know why but I looked toward him and I could swear I saw something, right? Something purple and ugly and…"

My hands clench into fists as I sit up on the mattress, kicking the covers off. I hate that his body is marked the way it is. And he probably returned home to it, same as me. He'll probably end up black and blue before the day's over.

"It looked so much like a bruise, Kwan," I say, my hands curling tighter. I hate that out of all my classmates, he's the one that shares a similar story. He's the one who understands this pain. I'd rather no one get the way I feel than it be him. "But whatever, we get there. And he gets so fucking drunk he's stumbling and vomiting all over himself."

I look toward Kwan and his eyebrows are drawn down. I exhale heavily, shaking my head. "Anyway, when you and Keith left, I was at my car cause I was getting his bag. When I helped him get changed, I saw these ugly-ass bruises all across his upper body like someone kicked the shit out of him. It looked painful as fuck."

My thoughts return to the look on Danny's face when he told me it didn't hurt anymore. How the more he drank, the less it hurt or some shit. God fucking dammit, he doesn't deserve this shit. And I pushed him further away. "I don't know how to help him but I want to," I say softly, my gaze on my lap. If I hadn't been such an idiot, maybe he would have been honest with me.

"Maybe you should wait for him to bring it up, Dash… think how you'd feel if he just walked up to you and asked about your dad," Kwan says softly. Fuck. I knew I should have talked to him first.

I scoff and glance his way with a shrug. "Too late for that, I already fucked it up." Kwan's eyebrows draw down again and I flick my gaze toward the television. Some building is surrounded by police vehicles and officers are swarming the scene. One of the officers is speaking into his radio and the building he's in front of looks like the museum downtown that mom and I used to go to when I was a kid.

"Hey… that looks like my dad. Turn this up, will you?" I ask, leaning forward to catch what's happening. Kwan turns the volume up and the newscaster's voice suddenly fills the room.

_"…earlier tonight. Police are still unable to identify the suspect but similar to the previous times, most of the items taken from the museum were returned within an hour of being missing."_ On screen the police are talking into the radio and the camera zooms in on the front door as the newscaster continues. _"There was no clear sign of break-in and the alarm wasn't tripped until the suspect took hold of one of the high-profile artifacts. It's the only thing still missing from the museum."_

The screen switches back to the newscaster behind her desk and she gives the camera a grim look. _"At the current moment, the police are not at liberty to disclose the item stolen or their current suspects."_

Kwan glances toward me and presses mute on the remote as the news fades into commercials. "That's weird… stuff like that never happens here." He clicks the television off after a few seconds and looks down at his phone.

I flop back onto the mattress with a groan, finally feeling the exhaustion of the day hit me. Was it really just this morning that Danny and I were leaving Star's house? God, I really fucked that up. I turn to stare up at Kwan and he notices within a few seconds.

"Y'think I royally fucked things up with Danny?" I ask, my voice softer than I thought it was gonna be. I think I'm trying to come off like I don't care but I actually do. I care a lot about Danny and I barely know him. I just know that I'm gonna miss his remarks when I'm working on a car or when he's riding shotgun next to me or introducing me to foods I would never have found without him.

Kwan sighs, dropping his phone next to him on the mattress. "I don't know, Dash. It depends… maybe he's the kind of person that can let something like this go and maybe he's not. Just talk to him tomorrow, maybe he'll come around." He offers me an encouraging smile before scooting to the edge of his bed and crawling off.

I'm alone while he moves to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He's left his door open a crack so I can hear the water running and the sound of him spitting occasionally. I close my eyes to the sound just as someone on the stairs joins the ambience.

The water's cut off and I strain my ears to catch the conversation happening just outside the door. His mom's wishing him a good day at school tomorrow and I'm about to roll over to tune them out but I catch my name. She asks him how I am.

I know the silence is because Kwan's trying to figure out how to say the truth without giving away my secret. His mom isn't an idiot. She probably figured it out the first night I ever crashed with Kwan, eyes swollen from crying and face bruised up.

My gut twists uncomfortably when Kwan speaks because I know it's not what I want him to be saying about me. I don't want to hear him talk about me like I'm not in the next room. And I really don't want to hear the tone of his voice when I'm the topic of conversation.

"He's terrible, mom," Kwan says and I can hear his mom sigh softly before my best friend continues. "But he'll be okay. He always is. Dash is… he's really good at picking himself back up."

Damn fucking right. I've had a lot of practice with it.

I don't care to hear what else they're gonna say about me. I know Kwan won't tell her my shit cause I've asked him not to. It's not really the same thing but I swore to keep his sexuality between us forever. It's only been this year that he's started to come out to people and every time he does, he gains a little more confidence. I wish that could work for me but it doesn't. The more people I tell, the worse I feel. Cause I know I'm dragging them down into my shit. It's not a place I'd wish on anyone.

* * *

 

Something's buzzing over my head. I don't know what the fuck it is but it sounds like my phone. I fling out an arm to shut the stupid thing off but it doesn't stop. I actually wrap my hands around my phone and squeeze the volume buttons but the noise continues. I'm pretty sure a whine leaves me. Goddammit, I just want to sleep.

I hear Kwan's quiet laughter and I blink an eye open. It takes me a minute to figure out where the hell I am. I'm sure the expression is on my face because Kwan doesn't say anything, just lets me figure out why the fuck I'm passed out in his bedroom.

"Oh yeah," I absentmindedly mutter, letting my eyes fall closed again with a sigh. The noise stops and Kwan laughs again, shaking my shoulder. I shove his hand away and roll over. "Fuck off, I'm tired."

Kwan doesn't give in to me, yanking off my covers in a particularly brutal fashion. I turn to glare at him but he only responds by grinning. "Come on, get up. I'm going for my run and unless you want to be subjected to my mom's questions, you're gonna want to come with me."

I let out a long groan, rubbing a fist over my eye. My eyelid throbs almost instantly so I drop my fist. "Man, I'll just leave if she starts asking too much," I mumble, sitting up anyway. I really don't want to go in today. I don't know what the fuck my face looks like but it hurts. And judging from the pain, I'm pretty sure my left eye is swollen. Sure as hell feels like.

Kwan's still smiling when I turn to look at him but his expression changes when I gesture to my face. "Does it look bad?" I ask, already knowing the answer when the skin around his eyes tightens. I exhale, dropping my gaze to the floor. "Never mind."

I don't want to get up and I really don't want to go for a stupid run but I need to get a look at my face. Assess the damage and see if I can even go into school today. I ungracefully crawl from the air mattress and somehow manage to stagger out the door and across the landing without tripping. It takes actual effort for me to stay upright some mornings.

Maybe it's the lighting in the bathroom. Or maybe it's the fact that it's five in the morning or it could be because I'm really, really tired. But my face looks fucking disgusting.

Kwan makes a soft noise in the back of his throat as I examine my face in the mirror. Good god, it looks like someone hit me in the face with a sledge hammer. Which is also what it kinda feels like. My left eye is swollen and Jesus Christ, it's puffy as hell.

"Ugh, I look like roadkill, man," I mumble, more at my reflection than at Kwan. He still makes a face when I meet his gaze in the mirror. I can feel the tension between us as his mind's probably running through the same conversations we've had multiple times. I don't like tension between us so I stick my tongue out and he cracks a smile.

"Come on, I know you haven't been keeping up with your running." Kwan leaves the bathroom, probably too hard for him to keep looking at my face. I still remember when he told me he'd rather be on the receiving end of my dad's hands than see the aftermath on me. Cause it hurts him to see me like this.

I turn away from the mirror and follow after my best friend, taking the track shorts and sleeveless shirt he holds out to me. Kwan's already dressed so I push my pajama pants down, the shirt he loaned me last night quickly following.

"Huh…I thought you were lying," Kwan says softly and I look toward him. He shrugs as he grabs his phone from his bed. "I thought your ribs were bruised again." He sinks down onto his bed as I pull the shirt over my head with a shrug.

I smooth the fabric down and let out a breath, gesturing to my face. "Y'think I can go in like this?" I don't really want to deal with anyone's questions and Coach might have several for me if I show up looking like this.

Kwan stares at my face, taking in the bruises again before he shrugs, standing up from his bed. "That's up to you. Come on." He pats me on the arm as he passes by, heading for the stairs. I grab my shoes before I follow behind him. I can't believe I'm actually going for a run at five in the morning. Goodbye sleep, it was nice knowing you.

* * *

 

Holy shit, I'm out of shape.

Kwan's barely breaking a sweat while I'm having trouble just keeping pace with him. Our feet pound the concrete in quick succession of each other's and I'm sure he can hear my panting breaths in between our footsteps.

We don't talk as we run and maybe it's cause I'm trying to hang onto oxygen. But my mind's keeping pace with my feet and I'm going through yesterday's events. I hate that I'm constantly reminded of the painful expression on Danny's face when I asked him if his parents were abusing him. I wish I could rewind to that moment and change it. Say my words better or not push as hard. Or… something else. Say something or do something else to change the way it played out. So he doesn't keep his distance today and I don't have to live with the knowledge that I fucked up something good before it could be something great.

Kwan's quiet beside me and I don't think it's cause he knows I'm panting. I know my best friend and I can tell when his mind's running a thousand miles a minute. He's wondering and something's bothering him. I don't like him getting lost in his own mind so I slow my pace down to jog.

He glances toward me before slowing down too and within a couple minutes, we're just walking beside each other. I keep my gaze on the pavement moving under us as I speak, more to give him some semblance of privacy than anything else.

"So, I uh… I noticed your dad's not home," I say softly and Kwan stops. There's no falter in his walk or hesitation between steps, he just stops. I look at him and his expression is downcast. He sucks in a breath, flicking his gaze to the sky with a heavy exhale. Shit. I don't know what I just stepped into but from his reaction, it's serious this time. "What is it?"

Kwan's eyes fill with tears and his hands clench into fists at his sides. "He left."

Fuck. I feel like the sidewalk drops out from under me with those two words. Cause as fucked as shit got in my life, one of the most stable things was Mr. and Mrs. Young. I've known Kwan since we were in daycare together and when he found out about my dad, their place was like a second home to me growing up.

"Because of me," Kwan continues, flicking his tear-filled stare toward me. He sniffles and in the early morning, it sounds more fragile. "H-He and mom started arguing when I came home after dropping Keith off at the hospital. M-Mom asked me where I'd been and when I said Keith's name, dad assumed we were seeing each other."

I don't know what to say but I put my hand on his shoulder. He looks like he could use the comfort and no words are coming to me. He squeezes his eyes closed at the touch and draws in a breath that sounds incredibly shaky.

"D-Dad said he didn't want to hear about me and a guy again and mom lost it. She t-told him that the way I felt wasn't that big of a deal and he needed to let it go." He opens his eyes with a small sniffle but a smile is pulling at one corner of his mouth. "Well.. a-actually… what she said was, 'So our son likes dick, is it really that big of a deal?' I couldn't believe it," he laughs softly, but his expression quickly turns sad again.

Kwan meets my gaze, sniffling softly. "He left, Dash… he said that mom was always taking my side and that I didn't need to be babied anymore…" He looks completely heartbroken and I can't even begin to imagine that kind of pain. It's one thing for my dad to beat the shit out of me but it's another thing for them to just leave. To give up on you. It reminds me of when mom left and I don't want my best friend to feel that kind of pain.

I close the distance between us and tug him into my arms. "It's gonna be okay, everything will work out." I'm lying my ass off and he knows it. Nothing's going to be the same for him now and it really fucking sucks that his dad chose now to walk out on him. It's only gonna make Kwan think he's a terrible person for the way that he feels about guys.

"Kwan, there's nothing wrong with you," I say softly and a whimper tumbles from him. It tears at me that he's hurting so badly and I didn't pick up on it yesterday. Maybe it's cause I was still hungover when I saw him or maybe it's just a fucking excuse. "You don't have to hide who you are because some people don't like it."

He lets out a strangled noise like he's trying to hold it in but he can't. He starts breaking apart in my arms, letting out broken whimpers and asking me why it has to be this way and there's nothing I can say. There are no words to speak that'll suddenly make it better. He's hurting and the only thing I can do is hold him. In the middle of the goddamn street, I let my best friend cling to me, knowing that for once, I need to be the strong one. So he has someone he can cling to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooo readers! How's it going? And how has only a week passed between now and my last update? How time flies. And speaking of time flying, it's like 26 days till Christmas! How. I feel like yesterday was Halloween. Then again, I probably feel that way since I've been so wrapped up in the annual tradition of selling my soul to write. Otherwise known as NaNoWriMo. WHICH BY THE WAY. I finished a couple days ago. I added 50k more words to this fic. Be proud of me, guys.
> 
> So last chapter, in addition to be lengthy af, we got to see some angst between Dash and Danny. I've seen in the comments/reviews that a lot of you feel like Dash should have reacted differently. That maybe he should have let up on Danny instead of pushing him? I mean, you're totally right but too late for that ;P
> 
> Poor Danny though. He just wanted a nice trip to the beach with Dash and co. He didn't expect to get bounced like that. Danny's just a precious boy that needs to be protected from me
> 
> Since I gave the angst to Dash and Danny last chapter, I felt like it was only fair to give some of it to Kwan as well. (We can pretend that I didn't have Kwan's angst planned from chapter one but we all know that's a lie.)
> 
> What'd you guys think of this chapter? I'd love to know your thoughts, you guys will probably never know how much I grin when I read your comments and reviews. You're all lovely and deserve cookies (conveniently I just baked some irl yesterday… I'd send you all some if I could, they're delicious af)
> 
> One more thing and I'll let you guys get back to hating me for the angst I'm putting these characters through. I track "jaegersoul" on tumblr if any of you want to leave your thoughts on tumblr or drop something for me to look at – doesn't have to be Stay related, just in general too.
> 
> Thanks for reading this chapter, I really appreciate those of you that are sticking around for this story. I hope you all have a wonderful week (possibly two) and I'll see you next chapter!


	29. Desperate To Find Something More

The walk home would be awkward if it was anyone but us. We've known each other's shit so long that it's like second nature to fall into easy conversation. Kwan's responses are quiet and not as quick as mine are but I keep him talking and I can see the tension ease from his face after a few minutes.

We walk the rest of the way back to his house and while I hate to be the bearer of bad news, I have to say it. "Listen man," I start, coming to a stop beside my car. He glances back toward me with a raise of his eyebrows and I drop my gaze. "I gotta get home and get a change of clothes."

Kwan shakes his head almost instantly. "No. I'll loan you something to wear," he says, gesturing toward his house. "Come on, my mom's probably already up making breakfast."

I let out a sigh but follow after him, lured by the promise of food more than the offer of borrowing clothes from him again. "Kwan, I have to go home at some point." I can't spend the rest of my senior year hiding out in the hopes that dad will never find me.

Kwan turns back toward me with a shrug. "Fine, we'll go to your place after breakfast," he says like the decisions been made. I don't need him to come with me and hold my hand. It's not like it was when I was a kid and I was actually terrified of my dad. I can handle this shit now.

"I can go by myself," I say as he opens the front door. There was a time when I needed Kwan to walk home with me because I was scared of what would be waiting for me, but I'm not scared anymore. I just know how to dodge his fists better.

"I know. But I'm not letting you," Kwan responds, stepping through the front door. I follow him and I can smell pancakes the second I step inside. Aw shit, they smell fucking amazing. I push the door closed behind me and follow Kwan into the kitchen.

He kisses his mom on the cheek and moves around her to snag a handful of chocolate chips. She swats at his hand but he makes off with the chocolate anyway, throwing it into his mouth as soon as he's out of her reach.

Mrs. Young stirs the batter before glancing over her shoulder at the two of us. "How was your run, boys?" she asks, her gaze quickly on the food again. She adds chocolate chips to the batter before pouring it into the pan.

The smell drifts into the air and Kwan leans against the counter, still chewing the chocolate. He looks toward me, almost a silent plea not to tell her what happened, but he doesn't have to. I cross my arms over my chest and shrug.

"Well, we both learned things while we were out," I say and Kwan's gaze snaps to mine. I grin when his mom looks over her shoulder again. "I'm severely out of shape and Kwan's apparently got rockets strapped to his feet."

Kwan relaxes back against the counter with a small laugh. "If you'd kept up with your running over the summer, you might have my speed," he says.

I raise my eyebrows at him. "Are you kidding me? I was still healing from my injury, doctors told me to take it easy."

"Sure, if that's what you wanna go with," Kwan says, laughing at the expression on my face. When his mom has her back to us, I flip him the bird, which only makes him laugh harder. It's nice seeing the smile on his face again and I can actually tell that it's not forced this time. But I know just as well as he does that it won't last.

By the time Mrs. Young's finished with the pancakes, Kwan and I have both showered. I borrowed his clothes after all but I still have to go home. Even if it's not before school, I still have to go back there. And I'd rather get it over with. I've spent too many days worrying about what I'm coming home to. I'm not interested in playing that game today.

* * *

 

Dad's car isn't in the driveway when I pull into it, Kwan following behind me in his car. He parks on the street and even I can't deny the relief spreading through me at the fact that dad's not here. I'm guessing he's already left for work but wherever he is, I'm more than grateful for it.

I open my door and get out, Kwan following suit. I spin my key in the door as Kwan jogs up to meet me, following me inside as soon as the door's open. "You can stay at my place again tonight," he says and I roll my eyes as I look back at him.

"No, dad's probably not gonna do anything tonight," I respond, even though I'm not entirely sure that's true. There were times that he didn't get all his frustration out in one incident and the following days were hell. I guess I'm just hopeful that it won't happen again tonight.

I carry my bag upstairs and Kwan stays by the door, watching me until I disappear into my bedroom. My backpack, somehow still holding together, is laying on my bed and I don't remember ditching it there but whatever. I grab it and head downstairs again.

Kwan looks up when the stairs rattle and I give him a grin. "Told you I didn't need you to hold my hand," I say, dropping my bag at the foot of the stairs. The only thing not in my bag is an essay I left on the kitchen table.

I dig through the stack of papers on the table in search of my essay. I find an envelope with my name on the front, just another statement from my bank. When I toss it back on the pile, I see a few typed pages and I recognize the boring title as my essay. I grab it out of the stack and start to turn to Kwan but I catch sight of a scribbled note underneath the stack. I nudge the stack of mail out of the way and pick up the handwritten note. If I wasn't sure about it being dad's handwriting, the message pretty much confirms it for me.

_You want to act like a grownup and talk to me the way that you do? Here's your shot, Dash._

A groan slips from me before I can stop it and I hear Kwan's footsteps. I consider crumpling the note but that'd just make him more curious. I pass the paper off to my best friend when he's close enough and his eyebrows draw down as he reads.

Kwan sighs roughly, dropping the note onto the table. "He's such a dick." He flicks his gaze up to mine, shaking his head. "He is, I'm not even sorry for that one, your dad is…" he trails off, glancing around the kitchen before looking back at me. "Do you have food here?"

I start to question why the hell he's interested in getting something to eat right after breakfast but then I catch on. He's not asking for food now. He's making sure I'll have enough to eat while I stay here without my dad.

"Yeah man, I'll be fine," I tell him, stepping past him and grabbing my backpack from the bottom of the stairs. "Come on, we're gonna be late for school."

We still have plenty of time to waste before we'll technically be late but I'm not sticking around here and listening to Kwan's worries. Dad'll be home in the morning or in the next few days anyway. I know him. He just wants to throw his weight around and remind me that I'm not supposed to stand up to him. He acts like a fucking child sometimes but I know how to deal with it at this point. I don't need anyone to worry about me or to check up on me. I'll be more than fine spending a night or two without dad here. In a way, I almost prefer it.

* * *

 

My teammates and the cheerleaders are gathered in the parking lot by the time I pull up. Kwan's already out of his car and I'm probably the last one of us to arrive. I took a couple of back roads on my way here cause my head is all kinds of fucked right now.

The cheerleaders look my way when I get out of my car and there's a small smile on Star's face. Until she gets a look at mine. Her eyebrows draw down at the same time Paulina looks away from me. Even my teammates give me a once over.

I looked like shit the last time I played the role of punching bag but that looked more like 'disgruntled bar fight' while this looks more like 'someone took a jackhammer to my face'. I swing my backpack on my shoulder and shuffle over to them.

"Holy fuck, dude," Jeff comments and I flick my gaze to his. He raises an eyebrow in question but when I don't offer an immediate explanation, he continues. "What the fuck happened, man?" He gestures to my face. Yeah. Like he could be talking about anything else.

I shrug, glancing up at the rest of our group. Kwan meets my gaze and gives me a sympathetic look. It's not that easy sometimes to pretend that I was defending some girl or that I was drinking and got into a fight. There's no lie on the tip of my tongue and I wish I could just come up with something.

Everyone is silent and I feel the flush rising to my neck. I don't want to talk about my dad and I don't want to lie anymore. Fuck, I knew I shouldn't have come in today.

"See you guys at practice," I mumble, moving past them. Jeff calls after me again but Kwan falls into step with me as we make our way inside. I really wish he could just stay with the group but I know my best friend. He'd just be worried about me the entire time. I hate that he can't enjoy himself if he knows there's something bothering me.

He glances at me when we climb the stairs into the school building and I yank the door open before I speak. "You don't have to leave every time I do," I say softly, flicking my gaze toward him. He gives a shrug and I follow him inside.

"I didn't really have anything to talk about today," he says, keeping pace with me to my locker. I spin the combination in and once it's opened, I shove a few of my books inside. I've got biology first period and Kwan's in history, so this is where we part.

I give him a smile. "See you in economics." I slam my locker door closed and start down the hall. I make it into my seat in the classroom before I realize Kwan's followed after me. He sinks down in a chair next to mine and rests his arms against the desk, leaning forward until his cheek is resting against his arms. There's still some time before the bell rings and I'm guessing he doesn't want to be alone.

The chair creaks as I lean back in it and my sigh is loud in the silence. "You want to talk?" I ask, already knowing that the answer's no. Kwan's the same as me. Doesn't like to talk about his shit where he could be overheard. The people in our town aren't terrible people. But if gossiping was an Olympic sport, the citizens of Amity Park would take home the gold every year.

Kwan lets out a noise, shaking his head and I drum my fingers against the desk. I don't know when we both got so fucked up but it's a sad sight. I remember summers when we were kids and our biggest problem was who got to play with which Nerf gun. Everything is so much more complicated now and I doubt a handful of foam darts will get our anger out.

"We should play flag football this weekend," I say in the silence and my best friend lets out a breath. It's another thing we used to play as kids but it's still a lot of fun. I glance toward Kwan and a small smile is pulling at his face. "Come on, we should. You and I are way too fucking young to be this sad," I say, reaching over to swat him on the shoulder. "I'm letting the guys know and we'll invite the girls too. This weekend, flag football."

Kwan rolls his eyes but his smile is insistent, probably drawing on memories from our childhood. The time when we weren't fucked up and we definitely weren't sad. It was before things with my dad got really ugly and before mom left. Before Kwan realized he didn't like girls and before he realized that some people thought that was a bad thing.

"Okay," he says softly and the grin I give him probably rivals the ones we wore as kids. Cause while our problems haven't suddenly disappeared just cause we're gonna play a game, things feel a little less hopeless. If we've got an open field and time to spare, things don't look so dark.

* * *

 

Ms. Anderson asked if I needed to see the nurse when she first saw me and I'm sure she wanted to hear the story. But I didn't have a lie prepared so I just said no. But apparently, that wasn't a good enough answer because she asked me to stay at the end of her class when everyone else was leaving.

She waits until the room is empty, save for us, before she speaks. "Dash… I haven't been in this town very long," she says, sinking down on the edge of her desk. She looks up at me with a concerned expression and I knew this was bound to happen sooner or later. Every new teacher that comes through here tries to help me.

I glance toward the clock with an exhale. "I should get to class."

"I'll write you a pass," Ms. Anderson responds and I tear my gaze away from the clock. Her expression is still concerned but there's some kind of determination behind it. Like she's not only interested in getting to the bottom of this problem but fixing it in the process. "If there's… something bothering you, I want you to know that you can talk to me."

It's nothing the other teachers in this town haven't already tried but she doesn't know me. She hasn't been here long enough to know that I'm determined as fuck to keep a hold of my secrets. Even when the adults in the area can probably tell exactly what the hell happens to me at home, I refuse to tell them anything. It's none of their business.

"I know," I say, not bothering with a smile. I know she'll see right through it. I gesture to the door again and this time, she doesn't say anything. I take that as my cue to go but as I start to leave the room, she calls my name.

Ms. Anderson stands up from her desk, offering me a sincere smile. "If you ever need me, I'm someone you can talk to." She holds my gaze and I think she's waiting on me to change my mind. To suddenly break down and tell her everything that's been going on in my life since I was five years old.

But I'm not interested in breaking down. And I've lost track of how many people have told me they'd be there for me only to buckle when push comes to shove. If my head's too fucked to think, I'd go to Kwan or maybe even Paulina rather than a teacher. At least with my best friend or my ex, there's not a chance of the authorities being brought in on this. The last thing I need is more people prying into my life and trying to get me to talk. Especially if those people could take me away from the shitty town I've called home for the past seventeen years.

* * *

 

I can't remember the last time I walked down the school halls with people whispering about me but it must've been fucking junior high or something. Cause I haven't felt this strange in a long time. I try my best to ignore them and put one foot in front of the other but I catch snippets of the conversations around me and it makes my hands clench into fists.

Some of them are talking about how I get drunk all the time. That I've probably just been fighting with the other regulars at the local bars. These idiots have no fucking clue that the only time I'm known as a 'regular' at a bar is when I'm hauling my dad out of there. Because the fucking bartenders don't know how to tell him he's had too much.

I hear a few people guess that maybe the bruises are from my dad. They're saying that he doesn't like it when I'm out partying. They're not wrong but I'm not getting into my situation with strangers. I consider telling them to fuck off and mind their own goddamn business but that probably won't help anything. They'll still talk.

A few other stories about me are passed around but those seem to be the most common two. I'm either getting my ass kicked by bar hoppers or my dad's flying off the handle. One of those is correct but fuck if I'm gonna let everyone know which one.

Across the hall, Danny's watching me. But when I look his way, his gaze quickly leaves mine. He hesitates in front of his locker for a few seconds before he takes off down the hall. It only takes me half a second to realize I want to follow after him.

I jog the length of the hall and make it down the stairs before he realizes I'm following him. Danny lets out a sigh but he comes to a stop, probably knowing that I'll come after him anyway.

"Do we really have to stop talking?" I ask softly, watching the way his gaze leaves mine after a few seconds. He gives a shrug before glancing back toward me.

Danny shifts the weight of his backpack from one shoulder to the other before crossing his arms. "Depends. You still think what you saw this weekend is because of my parents?" he asks and I guess it's clear from my expression because he shakes his head. "Then yeah. We really have to stop talking."

He turns to leave and I can't let him. I grab his arm and he groans, turning back toward me with a sort of broken expression. Like he'd be okay if I could just believe his lie. But every time I try to imagine something else, I can't come up with anything that would leave marks like that on him.

"Why can't you tell me what it is then?" I ask, raising an eyebrow. "If it's not your parents then who's doing this to you, Danny?"

His shoulders fall and he pulls his arm from me. "I told you, it's a long story." His gaze meets mine before I can speak. "And don't say that you've got time to hear it cause I don't have time to tell it."

The bell rings overhead and he glances toward the sound with a sigh. He turns away and I let him go this time. Not cause I'm gonna be late for class and not cause I've decided to give him space. I let him go cause I'm out of things to say. I don't know how to convince Danny that I'm here to listen to his shit regardless of how ugly it is. And I've been so focused on helping him that I didn't really stop to wonder if he ever wanted my shitty help in the first place.

* * *

 

By the time lunch rolls around, I'm basically sleeping during classes, only waking up to the sound of the bell. I don't know why my teachers haven't called on me. Maybe cause of the bruises marking my skin like some kind of fucked-up road map. Or maybe it's cause I'm on the football team. I remember when I joined the team in freshman year and I was suddenly able to request for extensions on homework deadlines with no problem. The upperclassmen taught me that trick and I'm pretty sure I abused it the most in my first year on the team.

The cheerleaders and my teammates are already at our designated table and after one look at them, talking and laughing, I know I can't do this. Not today. Maybe I could if I'd patched things up with Danny or maybe if dad hadn't worked me over last night. But it's not happening today.

I leave the lunchroom and pace the halls instead. There are vending machines downstairs but I don't feel like raiding them yet. I'm too tired, or too something, to make the trek down. And I don't really want to move anymore so it leaves me on the floor in front of my locker with my head in my hands. I should have just skipped today. My mind's clearly too fucked to handle being around people.

Time seems to pass by pretty slowly as I sit on the floor feeling sorry for myself. Sorry for Kwan. For Danny. God, I wish I could help the two of them but there's nothing I can do. Danny doesn't want my help and there's nothing more I can do for Kwan other than be here for him. Remind him that as bad as shit gets, it's not his fault. I wish I could fucking believe the same.

A shadow falls over me and for half a second, I think it's Danny. I think that he's come to find me and wants to tell me what the bruises are really from. I glance up to see him but it's not Danny. Paulina's the one standing over me and from the look on her face, she's not here to argue.

I let out a heavy exhale and she extends her hand toward me. I only take her hand cause I don't want to look like a dick. I'm capable of picking myself up off the floor without help but she offered.

"Hey," I say softly, my gaze on our feet. I don't know what's going through her head but I'd like to think that maybe she got a look at my face and feels bad for me. Maybe she's wondering how I am. Or how I've been just in the past few days since she left the beach house on Saturday.

Paulina's hand stays in mine and our fingers link together effortlessly. She makes it so easy to fall back into our old habits and I don't fight her that hard. She raises her other hand to my face and her fingers hover just over the side of my face, afraid to touch down in case it hurts me.

I use my other hand to nudge her palm against my face, my eyes falling closed. I don't like feeling weak or like I'm about to break the fuck down but it's the way I feel right now. And I don't know if she can tell but it feels like she can.

"Dash… I-I'm so sorry," she whispers, leaning her forehead against mine. Tears are gathered underneath my closed lids and I really don't want to do this. I don't want to cry because of my dad. Or because of Kwan's shit. Or because of anything. I don't want to cry at all.

Paulina tilts her head enough to press a gentle kiss to my cheek and I wish that was all it took to make these marks go away. If she could kiss all these bruises away maybe everyone would stop staring at me. Maybe I could survive the day without teachers asking me to talk to them. To let them in on a world of pain I barely let my friends in on.

"I'm so sorry," she whispers again and I tilt my head up to meet her lips. I don't know why I'm doing this. I know it's shitty cause I don't want to be with her again. Or maybe I do but not like we were. With the drama and the stupid fights and the shit we went through. I just want the her that existed in our sophomore year. Before she changed and started acting like she's better than everyone else.

Our kisses do most of the conversation and by the time we break away, we've said we're sorry a thousand times. She's resting her forehead against mine but it only stays that way for a few seconds before she pulls me into her arms. Tears are forming in my eyes again but I bury my face in her shoulder and pretend that it doesn't hurt.

Her hands are gentle on my back and I don't know how I've fallen back into her arms but we're here and I don't want to take it back. I don't care what she wants me to change about myself anymore, I just want her there. On the nights that I hate myself and can't sleep, I want to be able to text her to tell her she's beautiful. Because then at least one of us would believe it about ourselves.

And I miss watching shitty romance movies with her and running my fingers through her hair instead of watching the screen. Maybe it's not her I miss. Maybe I just miss what we were and all the things we could have been. Because when I was with her, I didn't have time to obsess over all the bad shit in my life. She was my sanity and my fucking god, I need to get drunk off her.

* * *

 

I spend my free period lying with Paulina in my arms in the backseat of my car. We don't really talk but we're in the school parking lot so it's not like we can get it on. I'm pretty sure we kiss each other a dozen or so times before I lose count. I think I should feel some kind of regret for giving in to her but I don't feel guilty about having Paulina in my arms again. It leaves me confused instead.

"So… where does this leave us?" I question, feeling her body shift as she exhales. I don't really want to talk about this yet either but I need our shit to be out in the open. Otherwise, I'm sure the ocean that is Paulina Sanchez will suck me back in and I'll have no chance of escaping her riptides.

Paulina shifts in my arms, leaning up to kiss my cheek. "I don't know… maybe it just puts us back at square one?" She rests her cheek against my chest again with a soft exhale. "We could just start all over and pretend everything didn't happen between us."

I really hate the sound of that. It feels more like a cop out than just dealing with our shit. I don't want to pretend to be her boyfriend when all we do is fuck. And I don't want to just fuck her when I could be her boyfriend again… but I really fucking suck at that. I've never been good at the romantic shit.

My eyes fall closed in the silence and I let out a heavy sigh. "I don't want to pretend anymore, Paulina." Not with you. Not with anyone.

She walks her fingers up my chest and I wish I could just forget everything. I want to forget all the shit that's happened between us, everything with my dad, my mom leaving, Kwan's dad, everything going on with Danny… I just want to forget it all. But I can't. And at some point, I have to deal with my shit.

"What do you want, Dash?" Paulina asks. What a fucking loaded question. If I were a normal person, I'd have a simple answer for her. Talk about what I wanted to do with my life or what I was interested in changing or what I wanted in our relationship. But not only do I not know any of that fucking shit, there's a lot more that I want.

I want Kwan to be okay and not hate himself just cause his dad is pulling for the title of world's biggest asshole. I want my dad to leave me the fuck alone and realize that I'm not just some kind of fucking punching bag. And Danny. I want Danny to be okay. With whatever the hell's going on in his life, I want him to be okay. To have someone that he can talk to about all this shit when it gets to be too much. When his head's just as fucked as mine is right now, I want him to have someone to talk to. Even if that someone's not me and will never be me, I still want him to have that someone.

And I don't want to feel this crushing weight on my chest every goddamn day. I want to know that I'm not making a mistake by staying in Amity Park after I graduate high school. While my friends move on to colleges and start chasing their dreams, I'll still be here. Doing the same shit I've done since I was fourteen. And I just have to cling to the hope that I'm not making a mistake. That I'm not fucking myself over or selling myself short. Alex thinks I can do more. So does Kwan. But I can't. And I've never let myself entertain even the idea of doing anything else.

"I want a lot of things," I finally whisper into the silence that's crashed over Paulina and I. Her fingers continue to explore my chest, making their way up and down my sternum. I let my eyes fall closed again, not even sure why I opened them in the first place. The most I'm doing is staring at the roof of my car and thinking on some dark shit.

Paulina exhales, finally stilling her hand against my chest. "What do you want with us?" she asks, so softly I almost miss it. I wish I could tell her that I know exactly what I want for us. I wish I had all the answers but I don't. And I can't come up with them on the spot.

"I don't know," I tell her, turning my head just far enough to kiss her forehead. I've missed her in my arms but I don't know if it was ever her I really missed. Maybe I was just terrified to be alone. Maybe I still am. I'm tired of thinking. I don't want to consider every possible option for us, I just want to be in the moment. I don't want to think about what we're gonna do when the year is over and she leaves for college. And I don't want to think about what I'm gonna do when dad comes home or when Kwan calls me in the middle of the night crying cause his father's a jackass.

There are so many things that crowd up my head space every day, it's hard to breathe sometimes. And I don't want to think about it all right now. Is that too much to ask for?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Yo! Thanks for coming back for another week of this angsty ride. I hope you enjoy it, remember to keep your arms and legs inside Stay at all times. …y'know, amusement park rides…? Puns? Yeah, anyway. I'll see myself out
> 
> So, welcome back, I hope you guys liked this update. I know what you're thinking. Why would I let Dash go back to Paulina? Because p l o t.
> 
> Nah, I know that feeling but I promise, she gets better! Not like… right away or anything but she's not entirely bad… I mean, hate her all you want, it's fun to read your thoughts on my portrayal of these characters.
> 
> So, this chapter is light in terms of moving the plot forward in the physical aspect but it has advanced the emotional side. (does that even make sense?) Here you can see that while Dash can bullshit and talk a big game, he's still really fucked up on the inside. He's still got that nagging low self-esteem and brewing self-hatred. As much as the people around him try to get through to him, that poor boy still thinks he's worthless. (someone needs to take him from me and give him a lot of hugs)
> 
> Another Danny appearance! I couldn't go two chapters without giving you guys at least a liiiittle glimpse of him. He is the other main character in this story after all… even if his story line is more hidden until Dash is thrown into the middle of it ;)
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from the song 'Welcome to My Life' by Simple Plan which is such a great song. It's so Dash, too! Seriously, if you've never heard it, you should. Simple Plan is great but their old stuff is fucking gold. Seriously, all their albums are amazing but their older stuff are works of art. "No Pads, No Helmets... Just Balls" is in my top 5 favorite albums from all artists/bands, like... it's so good.
> 
> Anyway! Thank you all for reading this story and leaving your kind words on it. I really do appreciate it. Waking up to reviews or checking them during work breaks is really wonderful and keeps my motivation for this story alive and well.
> 
> I hope you all have a wonderful week and I'll see you next chapter!


	30. Nothing But Failure Follows Me

I don't know what class Paulina skipped to lay in my arms but I can't make myself care. I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't found me in the hallway before lunch was over. My gut is telling me it's a mistake to get tangled up with her again but my fucking god, I want it. More than I want all the shit in my life to work out, I want her. Someone. Just so I'm not alone anymore. It's probably selfish as hell but I want someone there on the nights I can't fight my demons anymore. Someone to talk to in the middle of the night when it's all too much and I'm terrified of everything that's still yet to come.

Somehow, I make it through Algebra II and I'm cruelly reminded that Danny won't be around to tutor me anymore. I'm just stuck on my own to figure out all this bullshit. I can probably get Kwan's help when it stops making sense but fuck it, Danny was great.

The guys are already in their seats in Lancer's class but there's an empty chair next to where Danny normally sits. I don't know if he'll get pissed that I'm still gonna try to hang around him but I take the seat anyway, ignoring the looks my teammates throw my way.

Lancer's not in the room yet and there's still a couple minutes before the class is supposed to start. Which leaves my teammates to take turns throwing paper balls toward the trash can. I sink down in my chair and try not to fall asleep. I think I'm drifting but when I hear movement, my eyes open again.

Danny sinks down in the chair next to me and turns his gaze out the window, the sky darkening with storm clouds. He props an elbow on the desk and lets out a soft exhale. I try to come up with something to say but I can't string together a sentence.

Lancer steps into the classroom before I can think of anything. He closes the door and crosses over to his desk, setting his coffee mug down on the wooden surface. "Good afternoon, class," he says with a smile, his gaze flicking around the classroom before he settles in his chair. "I trust you've all had a good weekend."

None of us respond, though my teammates do laugh quietly to themselves. I can't hear what they're saying but I'm sure they aren't talking about our teacher. Lancer opens his laptop as Danny turns away from the window, his gaze falling onto his desk.

"Does anyone remember what I had you all do on Friday?" Lancer asks, clasping his hands on his desk as he surveys the classroom. I guess we're all wearing similar expressions of 'don't ask us to talk' because he doesn't.

Lancer exhales softly as he leans back in his chair. "I had you all write down a few things about your senior year and what you wanted to do by the end of it. What you were interested in doing with your lives after you left Casper High." He glances toward his computer screen before addressing us all. "I have to admit, I was surprised by some of your answers."

He leaves his chair and comes around the front of his desk, leaning against the edge of it. Lancer folds his arms over his chest and stares around the classroom. I can't help but feel like he's looking right at me when he speaks. "You know… you can do anything you want to. Limiting yourself to what's expected or what you think you should do is a mistake. I encourage all of you to really think about why you chose what you chose. And if you'd like to submit another answer, you may do so at the end of class today."

Lancer returns to his desk again after another minute of surveying us all and by then, he's switched back into English mode. He's rambling on about some book we were supposed to read over the summer and I more than likely skipped it. Danny's not paying attention either, he's doodling in the margins of his notebook, so I figure I won't bother him too much.

As quietly as I can, I tear off the corner of my paper and scribble _'hi'_ on it before tossing the slip of paper on Danny's desk when Lancer's back is turned. Danny glances at me but unfolds the paper anyway, exhaling softly.

I don't know why but it makes me happy when he sends it back with a few words of his own scrawled out. _'We're supposed to be paying attention.'_ I trace the lines with my index finger before I write anything back. _'When do I ever pay attention?'_ It's Lancer. How much can I really learn from him talking about another classic novel?

Danny reads over my words as I chew on the side of my thumb, watching his expression. Lancer's still at the board, marking down a few quotes from the book we're supposed to read in class today but I'm not paying attention. Cause Danny starts writing something back and my eyes trace each movement of his pen.

_'Maybe if you paid attention, you'd be doing better in algebra.'_ Ouch. Straight to the point. I wonder if he's trying to get me to stop talking to him. I hurriedly scribble back, _'nah algebra's evil'_ and fling it onto his desk just as Lancer turns around. He really does have hawk-eyes and his attention is instantly drawn to Danny's desk.

Danny curls his hand around the note as he swipes up his pencil, moving to continue doodling in his notebook. Lancer probably wants to call on us but there's nothing on either of our desks to prove that we were passing notes. So Lancer just gives us both a lengthy stare before addressing the rest of the class.

"William Shakespeare is hailed as one of the greatest authors to ever set pen to paper. His plays are known and taught in almost every classroom across the nation," Lancer starts, leaning back against his desk with an exhale. "Who here has read any of Shakespeare's works?"

Silence sweeps across the classroom and only two people stick their hands up. Nathan Lester and Danny. My gaze flicks toward the latter and a slight flush rises to his cheeks when Lancer looks his way.

"Mr. Fenton, what have you read of Shakespeare's works?" Lancer asks and Danny drops his hand with a nervous exhale. Everyone in our class has turned to look at him now but only I can see the tremble in his fingers. I guess I'm not the only one that would rather die than be called on in class.

Danny lets out a slow breath. "Th-The Taming of the Shrew… A-As You Like It, Much Ado About Nothing, Measure for Measure, O-Othello…" He ticks his fingers off on one hand as he lists the items, letting out a low breath after the last one.

Lancer waits another few seconds before nodding, his gaze turning to Nathan. The poor kid's completely red in the face and he looks just as nervous. But he's not the one I'm concerned about. I keep my gaze on Danny and watch his hands continue to shake.

I lean closer to him, knowing that Lancer will probably look our way in a second. "Are you okay?" I whisper, watching his hand curl tighter around his pencil. He lets out another shaky breath and by then, Lancer's eyes are on us again.

He takes a step forward from his desk, his arms folding over his chest. "Mr. Fenton, are you alright?" Lancer flicks his gaze to mine, I guess wondering if I know something about him that he doesn't. The only thing I know for sure is that he's got anxiety, but I'm not telling our English teacher that. If Danny hasn't told him before, I'm sure as hell not telling him now.

"Y-Yes, sir," Danny responds, his voice shaking on the two syllables. He keeps his gaze downcast and Lancer doesn't seem convinced. He waits for a few seconds before moving back to his desk, sinking down in his chair.

"So, we've established that a lot of you haven't read any of Shakespeare's works. We'll begin with Hamlet and Macbeth." Lancer shuffles a stack of papers on his desk and my attention is drawn to Danny again.

His cheeks are flushed now and he looks like he'd rather melt into the floor than spend another second in the class. Maybe that's why his next move doesn't surprise me.

Danny pushes away from his desk, grabbing up his notebook and backpack in one movement. He slides his bag onto his back and heads for the door, making some serious tracks. Lancer calls out to him and it only takes a second after the door's opened for me to react.

I move from my own desk, grabbing my backpack and following after him.

"Mr. Baxter," Lancer calls, not sounding happy with either one of us right now. Probably a dumb mistake but I choose to ignore him, following after Danny instead. He's already sprinting down the hall, his feet barely hitting the floor before he takes his next step. From this distance, it almost looks like he's floating.

"Danny, wait up!" I call out to him, my own footsteps loud on the tile. Danny glances back for a second before he throws himself into moving faster, turning the corner before I can. It doesn't take me more than thirty seconds to catch up to him but he's not there when I do.

I glance around the hallway, looking for any doors that might have been opened or other halls he might have turned down. There's really nowhere for him to disappear to and I don't know where the hell to even look. I don't really want to return to English but it looks like I don't have another choice. I just wanted to help Danny, but I can't if he doesn't want me to.

* * *

 

Lancer asks me if I'm done running out for the day and I silently move back to my seat. I know he wants to ask if Danny's okay but there's no point for him to. There's nothing I can tell him.

The rest of English drags by and it's only made worse by the fact that practice is after this. I love playing the game and I don't mind practices usually. But some days, I just want to go home. Like today. If I could, I'd just go home and sulk for the next few hours.

When the bell finally rings, my classmates practically spring up out of their seats, everyone talking at once. My stuff is still in my bag and I pull it onto my shoulder before standing up.

Lancer's watching the classroom and when he glances my way, I already know what he's going to say. I could quote it along with all the teachers now. "Mr. Baxter, stay after class, please," he says, his gaze falling to his computer again. He leans forward to type something, his eyes moving as he reads.

Most of my classmates leave the room pretty quickly but Jeff and Blake are hanging back, each patting me on the shoulder as they pass by. Jeff eyes my face again with a sympathetic look but he doesn't say anything. They exit the classroom and Lancer continues to stare down at his screen.

I stand by my desk while he taps several things into his keyboard. His gaze doesn't leave his screen when he nods toward my desk. "Have a seat, Mr. Baxter."

Goddammit, I don't want to do this. I don't want to talk to him about why the hell my face is fucked up or why I'm really having to drag my ass into classes today. I'm not in any sort of pain and yet I only feel like laying facedown on my bedroom floor for the next several hours.

"I have practice to get to," I grumble as I slide back into my chair. Lancer's typing pauses and he flicks his gaze up to mine, a soft smile crooking his mouth upward. I don't want him to smile and pretend that shit's not fucked. Why can't he just leave me alone?

"Your coach will understand, Mr. Baxter. I'll write you a pass to explain why you're late," he tells me, his gaze immediately returning to his computer. I groan and do nothing to hide the fact, exhaling heavily as I turn my stare out the window. I don't know where Danny is but I can only guess what's running through his head right now.

If it's not his parents, and that's a big if, who the fuck is doing this to him? And why him? I don't know how to help him if I have no clue where to start. And if he won't even let me in, where does that leave me? Am I supposed to just give up?

Lancer's chair squeaks as he leans back in it and I know he's looking my way now. Probably checking out my face, assessing the damage. Wondering how to approach this subject. Good news for him, I know how to navigate these conversations.

"It's not as bad as it looks," I say softly, my eyes never leaving the window. The rain is finally breaking and it looks like it's gonna be pretty bad. I don't want to drive in that and I really don't want to practice in that.

"You want to tell me where you got those bruises, Dash?" Lancer asks, surprising me by using my first name. Normally, I'm just 'Mr. Baxter' in his class. I guess a first-name basis is what he uses with the truly fucked-up kids. I'm not sure whether I'm proud to have made some kind of list in my life or disappointed that I'm most likely lumped in with the kids that ate glue in preschool.

I shrug, the movement pretty subtle with the position I'm sitting in. I don't really want to tell him what goes on behind closed doors but it's obvious from his tone of voice that he already has several guesses. And I'm willing to bet at least half of them involve my dad.

We're both quiet as he tries to voice what's in his head and I think things over. Try to come up with a way to reach Danny. If I can just prove to him that I won't drag the authorities into this or even that I'd never tell a single soul his secret, maybe he'd open up to me.

"You don't have to keep silent forever, Dash," Lancer says softly and I must sound as exasperated as I feel when I sigh. Cause when I look his way, he's raised an eyebrow. "What is it?" He speaks so softly. Like he's afraid of scaring me off. I'm not that easily spooked. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna tell him anything.

I drop my gaze to the desk, shrugging. "I know. But there's nothing to tell, sir. I got into a fight." I don't bother with the lies of who I was in a fight with or what it was cause of this time. I'm tired of this conversation. I don't want to sit here and play pretend that I could let someone in on this painful secret like everything will be okay. Real life doesn't work that way.

Lancer sighs when I move from my desk but I don't let him stop me. "I've gotta get to practice," I tell him, only glancing his way to make sure he heard me. He nods but he seems hesitant with the idea of letting me go. Whatever. I know how to deal with my shit on my own. I've had seventeen goddamn years to perfect it.

* * *

 

Coach asks if my calf's feeling up to practice today and I really want to tell him no. It's raining and I just want to go home and lay on my bed for the next few hours. But I'm not leaving my teammates to practice in the rain without me. If they're not gonna bitch about it, neither am I.

It's not as bad as I thought it'd be but by the end of practice, I'm soaked and not in any better of a mood. Even Blake can tell that I'm not up for any kind of stupidity cause he's pretty quiet when we're in the locker room. In fact, most of my teammates leave me alone. Keith offers a smile but that's about it. I wouldn't talk at all if this weekend hadn't happened. But it did and I actually care about Keith.

"Hey man," I say, toweling off my hair as I walk toward my locker again. A couple of the guys glance toward me but they quickly turn their attention away. I wonder if they can tell that I'm already irritated or if there's some other reason why they're all avoiding looking at me.

Keith exhales softly, a smile pulling at his mouth again. "Hey. You doing okay?" he asks, pulling a shirt on over his head. I'm supposed to be the one that asks that question.

I plop down on the bench near my locker. If this were the perfect world, I'd say, 'Nah, not really. Getting your face bashed in by your own dad will do that to you.' And then all my teammates would tell me it's not my fault and we'd hug it out or some shit. But this is real life and there's no fucking way I'm gonna dump all my shit on my teammates.

"Yeah, I'm good. I was actually… wondering the same thing about you," I say, watching Keith hesitate next to the bench before he joins me. He sighs heavily, running a hand through his hair. If I were him, I don't think I would have come into school today. I'd probably want to be by my sister's side for all of eternity rather than finish high school.

Keith nods slowly but there's still an air of hesitance to his movements. Like maybe he's choosing his reactions carefully in case I say something that'll break him apart. I know that feeling. Fuck, I live that feeling every day.

"How's your uh… how's she doing?" I ask, my voice soft on the question. Kwan didn't tell me much beyond how Keith was. If I were in Keith's position, I probably wouldn't want anyone to ask. But he's not me. Maybe he wants people to ask so he can get it off his chest. His gaze drops to the floor and I wonder if I misread him. Maybe he's more like me than I thought.

Keith suddenly looks up, a smile stretched across his face. I don't know if he's putting on a brave face or if he really is happy but the words spill from him with a laugh. "She's doing okay. Doctors say she fought really hard this weekend, just like she always has." His gaze falls away from mine again but the smile lingers on his face. Almost reminds me to stop being so selfish. So wrapped up in my own problems.

There's probably a million things I could say to offer some kind of support or some shit but I'm not good at that kind of thing. I'm better with some kind of advance warning. Maybe that's why I fucked up with Danny. Cause I didn't give myself time to figure out how to approach him. I'm not good with words but I try anyway. Because I know Keith's going through some heavy shit and if there's one thing we have in common, it's that life enjoys fucking us right now.

I put my hand on my teammate's shoulder. "Let me know if you need anything."

Keith gives me a smile and bobs his head in response and I know I haven't fucked up. Not this time. Even if he never calls me, even if he's the type of person that prefers to shoulder it alone, at least he knows he doesn't always have to. Cause I really will come if he needs me for anything. I suck with words but I'm not bad in a crisis. I was with Valerie nearly every day when her mom was in the hospital. I can be there for Keith too. And if he lets me help, I'll make sure not to fuck it up like I did with Danny.

* * *

 

I'm sitting in my car, listening to the radio drone on with some pop song, when my phone vibrates in my pocket. I don't know why but I expect it to be from dad or maybe Danny. Maybe one of them is texting me to tell me they're sorry or that I'm right and they want to talk.

**From: Alex**

_**Can you work the late shift with Anastasia tonight?** _

Weird. Normally, Alex would have warned me the day before if he wanted me to be working late. But whatever, it's not like I have anything better to do. Just go home and wait for dad to get back. Which sounds like so much fun.

I text back 'sure' and pull out of the school parking lot, my mind running. If Keith hadn't told us about his sister a few years back, I wouldn't know what he's going through. But he let us in on his pain. And Kwan told me about his parents splitting up and I know Dale's been through some shit, though he never got into specifics with us... I wonder what the rest of my team is going through. I don't tell them my shit and they don't tell me theirs.

Every person at Casper High has their own problems and I'm just another fucked-up person in the mix. Maybe my problems are more obvious cause of the marks dad leaves but still. I don't know what's going on with half of my teammates and friends. If I could just pull my head out of my ass and talk to them more, maybe we could open up to each other. Let each other know that we're struggling and have someone to lean on when times get tough. Yeah, and maybe we'll hold hands and sing about our fucking feelings. __

* * *

 

The house is empty when I get home after practice and I'm really not surprised. Dad's been known to leave the house for a couple of days to blow off some steam. In the past, mom and I would check the local bars and eventually find him slumped over a stool, sleeping off the world's worst hangover. If he's not home by Thursday, I'll probably check the bars from here to Dryden.

I have an hour to kill before I need to get to work so I do the most responsible thing I'm capable of. Parking it on the couch and watching some television with my favorite companions, a bag of Doritos and a can of liquid caffeine.

The coffee table is pretty messy but I shift most of it out of the way with my heels, propping my feet up as soon as a space is cleared. I crack open my soda and turn on the television. A soap opera is playing and while that might have been enough to numb my mind on Friday when life was good, I'm home alone and sporting more bruises than any person should.

I change the channel several times until I get to a football game and only stop there cause I'm tired of looking. My mind is filled up with everything and I just want to stop thinking for a while. If I could just chill out in front of the TV for the next hour, that'd be perfect. It's me though. I can never just stop thinking.

With a groan, I tug my phone from my pocket and scroll through my text messages until I find the conversation with Danny. The last time we texted was on Wednesday when he sent me his address and for some reason, staring at it makes me uncomfortable. I quickly tap out several messages to push his address higher into our conversation.

**To: Danny**

_**You okay man?** _

_**Kinda worried about you** _

_**You just bolted out of Lancer's class… I mean, even I've had my fair share of meltdowns cause of his class but that was pretty extreme** _

_**I know you were like anxious or whatever it is you get** _

_**We get, I guess? Since you diagnosed me and all lmao** _

Okay, I probably went a little overboard with the sheer amount of texts I sent his way but whatever. I just want to make sure he's okay. At least… as okay as he can be in that home. He can hate me all he wants but I'm just trying to make sure he knows he doesn't have to shoulder this all alone. I'm definitely someone safe to talk to.

I chew on my thumbnail as I watch the three dots pop up only to disappear again in an endless loop. I can't tell if he's typing a long-ass message in response or if he keeps changing his mind on whether or not he's gonna respond.

The crowd starts cheering on the television and I glance up to see what's happened. Apparently the home team scored an amazing shot cause it's on instant replay.

I set my phone on the couch cushion next to me and cram several chips into my mouth at once, washing it down with a mouthful of soda. Danny continues to waffle on whether or not he's actually gonna respond so I click my screen off and settle against the couch again. My mind's nowhere close to the game but I keep my eyes glued to the screen anyway. There's no need to stare at my phone like a pathetic loser. I mean, that's what I am. But still.

When the game rolls to a commercial break, I move from the couch to ditch my empty bag, draining the rest of my soda as I go. There's still a while before work and I consider driving out early. Then again… if Alex isn't working late tonight, there's a chance I could miss him. And the longer he goes without getting a look at my face, the better.

Just as I cross through the living room again, my phone vibrates softly against the cushion and I crash back onto the couch, snatching up the device.

It takes me a few read-through's before I finally accept what Danny's written to me. He… really doesn't want my help. At all. I've tried almost everything to get him to talk and he still doesn't want me to get involved at all. It's the last thing he wants.

**From: Danny**

_**Dash, please stop. I've gotten really good at dealing with my own problems and I don't need anyone to lean on or talk to. Please, for the both of us, just stop. I appreciate your concern and if this were all different, I could talk to you about it. I want to. But I just can't.** _

I try to gauge how terrible it'd be to send another text back, arguing about how I can help him, no matter how fucked up the situation is. Cause I've seen some dark shit and I'm definitely capable of handling it. But the text he sends before I can gather up the balls to say anything stops me short. I can't send a text back now even if I could come up with the right words.

**From: Danny**

_**Please don't respond.** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Aaaaaaand scene!
> 
> Yo readers, how's it going? I had a lot of fun writing this chapter and I hope you guys had fun reading it! My beta-reader Astro is a glorious person and they always do such an amazing job on the edits when I send the chapters to them and just ahhhh. I've said it to them personally a million times but thank youuuuu for getting this story to a more polished state. You're the best! 3 (Side note: Astro sent me a text message while editing this chapter to say that Dash was being moody and he needed to chill out. Which I still think is so hilarious)
> 
> So, hi, welcome back to another week of this angst. I really do appreciate you guys coming back every week, it's nice to know that somewhere in the void, people are actually reading this.
> 
> Like Astro so eloquently put, Dash was really fucking moody in this chapter, yeah? Like, he's a bit all over the place but considering everything he's dealing with, I think it's understandable. Trust me though, it's about to get worse. A whooooole lot worse. (The poor child)
> 
> Not too much plot going on in this one as it's more internal based but like, I promise action is coming soon (ish. The next few chapters are bit slow as well. These are the chapters I was talking about ages ago when I said that they could be taken out but I still really liked them… yeah, these are that.)
> 
> The title of this fic comes from the song 'Save Yourself' by My Darkest Days. Hooooly shit, guys. I've listened to this song tons of times before but I was hearing it again last night and it hit me how much it's like Dash. The opening lines are, "I'm the devil's son/Straight out of hell/And you're an angel with a haunted heart" like.... is that not Dash thinking about Danny??? It's PERFECT!
> 
> OH! By the way. If you search "Dash Baxter" on Google, THIS FUCKING FIC COMES UP. This is gonna be my legacy. I never considered that this fic might become this popular. I will forever be known for the gay angst.
> 
> So, the holidays are coming up and I'm not gonna have the same time I usually do. I most likely won't be posting a new chapter until the 3rd of January. I miiiiight sneak a cheeky update in on the 20th but I don't know how that'll all work out.
> 
> Anyway! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, if you wanna leave your thoughts in the reviews/comments, do that thing! I really like waking up to your messages or re-reading them at like 5am lmao.
> 
> Thank you so much for giving this fic as much support as you do, I appreciate every single one of you. If I could meet you guys in a café and work on this fic while talking with you all, I totally would! You're the best :) Happy Holidays – no matter what you celebrate – and I'll see you next chapter!


	31. My Mind Is So Abusive

I've only ever worked the late shift with Alex before but Anastasia runs things about the same. As soon as I punch my card, she puts me to work replacing the header panel on a Dodge Journey.

Just from one glance, I know she's curious about why my face is fucked up but I'm on a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy. And sometimes, my policy is closer to ask-and-I'll-bullshit. Either way, I'm not telling her anything. There's no point in dragging anyone else into my secret hell. Even if the Moreno family are all I'll have left by this time next year…

I push my thoughts aside and get started with the car, my hands picking up every bit of oil and grease possible. It's quiet in the shop as we work, the customers long gone by now. It's only at this time of day that we truly have the shop to ourselves.

Anastasia comes to my workspace a couple of times to see how I'm doing. We don't talk even when she stands next to the car for several minutes. Eventually, she moves back to her car and I keep working on mine.

After the Dodge is finished, I move on to a Toyota Matrix, putting a new bumper on in place of its broken one, and Anastasia disappears into the office. Probably filling out paperwork or something. I dig my phone out of my uniform pocket and deposit it on the empty stool.

Pandora is still queued up on the '00s station from the last time I used this app so I let it play, flopping down onto my shop creeper.

A Good Charlotte track starts playing out from my phone's tinny speakers and I find myself easily nodding along to it. The whole feel of this station reminds me of Kwan and I coming home after middle school. We'd crash on his bedroom floor and read old editions of comic books his dad kept in the attic.

I remember long days spent at his house, avoiding mine. Kwan always had a way of making me forget. He'd tell me one ridiculous story after another, just trying to keep my mind away from all the dark shit. I almost wish we were back there again. Sprawled out on his bedroom carpet, reading about Batman's latest adventure as pop music blared from his tiny radio. Back then, that was all we needed. We didn't think about our futures beyond who was paying for after-school pizza on Fridays. We weren't concerned with grades or impressing our parents and girls weren't even a blip on our radars yet.

We were the perfect duo and he's still the Robin to my Batman. Y'know, if Robin was gay and Batman was even more fucked up than his comics portrayed.

With a sigh, I push myself out from under the car and stand, rifling through the contents of my toolbox. I've always been good with cars and since Alex trained me, there's rarely been a problem with a machine that I can't fix. My life on the other hand… well, that's an entirely different story.

* * *

 

"Yo, Baxter," Anastasia calls as she leaves the office, the door slamming shut behind her. I don't know how long I've been working but I've just put the new bumper back on the Toyota when her voice rings out through the shop.

I kick my toolbox closed and wipe the residual grease off my hands before glancing up to meet her gaze. A small smile is starting on her face and knowing her, this means one of two things: we're closing early or there's food on the way.

"Alex just called, the part we need for the Nissan won't be delivered until Wednesday so we're cutting early tonight," she says, folding her arms over her chest as she leans back against the Toyota I've just finished. "I've also ordered a pizza and there's a case of beer chilling in the fridge. Come on."

She waves me away from the spot and I follow after her, snatching my phone up from the stool before I leave. "I'm underage, remember?" I call after her, turning the radio off before shoving my phone into my pocket.

Anastasia glances over her shoulder again with a grin. "Oh yeah. Guess you'll be drinking soda tonight, squirt." She called me squirt the first year I worked here but that was before I joined the football team and filled the fuck out. It doesn't really make sense for her to call me it anymore but I just stick my tongue out in response. She tilts her head back in a laugh and continues through the shop, me trailing after her.

"Knowing my brother, he'd probably kill us for eating in the office so we'll head up to the roof." She opens the side door and gestures to a ladder attached to the back of the building that I vaguely remember seeing before. "I'll be back with the drinks, you just get settled up there. Red chair's mine."

She disappears back inside the shop before I can ask any questions. I give the ladder a few tentative shakes but it seems steady. I start to climb it and just avoid looking at the ground until I'm on the roof. My stomach clenches a few times before I glance around the roof, letting out a low breath.

When I look out at the sky, I really wonder why the fuck I've never noticed this spot. I mean, I guess from below, I'd never be able to tell anyone ever comes up here but still. I've worked here long enough to have noticed it at least once.

Two chairs are set up next to each other, one red and one green, along with a cooler between the two. Cigarette butts litter the roof and I try to picture Alex smoking but I really can't see it. Must be Anastasia or whoever else comes up here. I've never smelled it on her before though. It doesn't make any sense. Am I really that oblivious?

"You gonna help me or am I gonna have to make three trips up the ladder?" Anastasia teases and I move closer to the ladder. She holds up a case of beer and after I hesitate a second, I carefully kneel on the roof, stretching my hand down to grab the handle. Once I pull it up and set it on the roof, she holds up a case of Coca-Cola bottles and I take that as well. I carry the drinks over to the chairs as Anastasia calls up that she'll be up with the pizza in a minute.

After I nudge the drinks out of the way, I sink down in the green chair, staring out at the gravel that makes up the back parking lot of the shop. Alex had the front paved but he never cared that much about the back. No one really parks back there anyway, it's really just a place to store the tow-truck.

The dusk air is already cooler than it was in summer and from the feel of it, I can tell we're gonna be in for a pretty cold autumn. Whatever, just more practices where I don't end up sweating my ass off. Knowing Coach, he'd just say the heat was building character.

Being up here is weird. It's so quiet and still for as far as I can see below and it makes me think of how many times Alex or Anastasia sat up here feeling small. Not seeing a car or a light go by, just thinking and wondering late into the night. Neither one of them have ever opened themselves up to questions but maybe that could change a little tonight. Maybe instead of dwelling on my own problems, I can focus on someone else's. Like Keith's earlier. Or Anastasia's now. There's nothing I can do to deal with my own shit and I fucking suck at words, but maybe I can help someone. At least a little.

* * *

 

Anastasia climbs up the ladder one-handedly cause her other hand is holding the pizza. I take it from her when she's close enough and she assures me that she and Alex have done their fair share of one-handed ladder climbing. It still makes me uncomfortable as fuck just watching her.

She swipes the box from me as soon as she's on the roof and drops it onto the cooler. "Pull up a chair," she says, plopping down into the red one. It groans with the movement and she lets out an exhale, leaning over to snag a bottle of beer from the case. "Stick to your juice, squirt. I don't want Alex having my head."

I ease down into the chair next to hers as she twists the cap off her bottle, dropping it on the roof where it clatters and spins before it comes to a stop. I must watch the cap for longer than she thinks I should cause she leans over and swats me on the arm.

"Come on, this pizza isn't gonna eat itself." She sets her beer into the drink holder on top of the cooler and opens the cardboard box. The smell of pepperoni reaches me, reminiscent of when Danny and I went to the pizzeria on the boardwalk and brought home the best pizza I've ever had.

Anastasia's chair groans when she leans back in it, propping her feet up on the ledge of the roof. "So, I know I'm probably not supposed to ask," she pauses to tear off a chunk of pizza and chews it slowly, casting a glance my way. "But what happened to your face?"

I drop my gaze almost instantly, reaching over to snag a slice for myself. I tear into the cheesy pepperoni piece before I lean back in my chair as well. "Nothing. I got into a fight." I don't bother saying with who cause I don't want to lie or admit the truth.

She watches me as I lean over to grab a coke, twisting the cap off with one hand. I let the cap drop next to hers and chug back a few swallows of soda before I look her way with a shrug. "Y'know how it is in high school."

Anastasia holds my gaze for a few seconds before she lets out a snort, taking another bite before she speaks. "Yeah. That sure looks like a high schooler kicked your ass." She swallows a mouthful of beer, roughly swiping the back of her hand across her mouth before she looks back at me. "Look, lie your ass off to me, I don't care. But my brother's already figured you out so there's no need to keep lying to him. You can trust him."

I don't really know what to think as I chew through my slice, wondering when the hell I signed up for this. Of course Alex has already figured it out. I had to practically tell him in the tenth grade when dad caught me skipping school and beat my head in so badly, Kwan had to drag me to the hospital. Mom couldn't leave work and I told the hospital staff that Alex was my uncle just so I could get the fuck out of there.

Alex begged me to talk to the police even though I wouldn't tell him the truth. I kept making shit up, pretending that dad wasn't even home. I'm pretty sure the only reason Alex gave up when I continued to refuse is cause he realized no one in this town would listen to me. Not as long as the person heading up the police is the same person beating my skull in.

I lift my bottle to my lips and take a long pull, wishing it was something a hell of a lot stronger than coke. "Yeah, I know," I finally respond, lowering my bottle back to the ground. There's no point in saying that I do trust him or that I'll talk to him because it's not true. I can't trust anyone that might tell the authorities. I've put in seventeen good years with my dad, one more isn't going to kill me.

Anastasia must be able to tell from my expression that I'm not gonna say anything more cause she doesn't ask. She just leans back in her chair and leaves me to my pizza. It's quiet between us as we eat, our only sounds being when we set our bottles on the ground.

The evening is setting in and with it, bringing the cooler air of autumn weather. October is just around the corner and this year already feels like it's passed too fast. I spent the last semester of junior year staggering my way into classes and going home to sleep the rest of the day. I'm surprised I actually passed my classes. Pretty sure I slept through most of my finals.

"Fuck it, don't mention this to Alex," Anastasia suddenly says, pulling me from my thoughts. She shifts a little in her chair, reaching underneath to grab something. When she drops the items into her lap, I know why she told me not to mention it.

Anastasia props a cigarette between her lips and flicks the lighter a couple times before it catches. She instantly leans forward to meet the flame and inhales as soon as her cigarette is lit. She snaps the lighter closed and drops it back onto her lap as she leans back again, letting out the smoke into the air. I watch the smoke curl in the air and wonder why I shouldn't mention it to Alex... Judging from how many cigarette butts are up here, he's gotta know that she smokes.

She lets out another mouthful of smoke into the sky, her eyes falling closed as she brings the cigarette back to her lips. Her feet are crossed over one another, resting on the ledge again, and her free hand is loose at her side.

I feel weird watching her like this. It's almost like she's given me a glance into her life and I wasn't prepared for it to be this. I don't know what image I had of Anastasia in my head before this but I'm pretty sure it's been replaced forever with this one. Her eyes closed and complete peace on her face as she takes in one drag after another on her cigarette.

"Alex isn't a saint either, if that's what you're wondering." She exhales another cloud of smoke before turning to me, giving me a smirk. "He can throw back shots like the rest of us and chain-smoke better than I can."

It's a weird feeling when the foundation underneath your beliefs about someone starts to shift. It's not really the same thing as when the bottom just drops out and you're left trying to figure out who this person has really been all this time. These subtle changes are more odd. Like you should have noticed them before now but maybe they were just hidden really well.

Anastasia takes another drag before continuing, her gaze returning to the sky. "We're a lot like you. Finding things that numb the pain for a little while." She exhales out, the smoke dancing up into the air and I'm almost mesmerized by it. But from the corner of my eye, I see the skin around hers tightening.

"What kind of pain?" I ask before I even realize I'm talking. It's none of my business and I'd probably get pissed as hell if her or Alex were to ask me the same question. But now the words are out in the open and I can't take them back.

She keeps her gaze turned to the sky for a few minutes and as the silence stretches on, I'm pretty sure she's not gonna respond at all. If I were in her position, I wouldn't. I'd tell whoever asked me to just mind their own goddamn business. Probably take an extra-long drag before doing so.

The evening is turning into night and I can see the lights going out in city hall. Seeing them from up here is strange. Like this is the first time I've ever really seen them and until now, I wouldn't have been able to describe them. I wonder what Casper High would look like from up here. What the field looks like. Or my house. Or the police station. Or-

"The kind of pain that needs numbing, squirt." Anastasia drops her cigarette and puts it out with the toe of her shoe, leaning back in her chair with a sigh. Her gaze strays to the sky again but it doesn't stay there for long. Within a few seconds, she's looking at me, her expression concerned. "Look, you can be the tough guy with your friends or your girlfriend but you don't have to be here. Alex and I… we'd understand."

My throat feels too small but I swallow anyway, dropping my gaze. I don't know what kind of pain they've been through but they'd never get it. They'd never understand that I can't leave my dad ahead of schedule cause it'd fuck everything up. I only have a year until I can start looking at apartments and by then, I won't need anyone to hold my hand. I have no idea what to say in response but she doesn't seem to be waiting for one.

"Honestly, I _already_ get it. Something's fucking with your head so you drink or fix cars or whatever else you do to distract your mind from the pain." Anastasia offers me up a crooked smile when I look up at her and I wonder how I've never noticed the freckles littered across her cheeks. "You don't have to hide with me, Dash."

I nod, turning my stare to the town below us without a response. There's really nothing to say now. She's probably able to tell that I'm holding it together long enough to just not crack in front of her, cause she doesn't say anything else. Just leans over and pats me on the thigh before she returns to her beer, nursing the last of it as the night really sets in, taking away all the warmth of the day.

The house is empty when I come home and I'm not surprised. If I wasn't so dead tired, I'd call around the local bars and see if any of them have seen dad around. But I'm too exhausted to care tonight. If he's there, odds are he'll still be there tomorrow.

My shower is short, mainly cause I need to have something to turn in to algebra tomorrow. Even if it's gonna suck ass without Danny's help. God, I really fucked that situation up. If I could be more like Anastasia or Alex, I would have had a better shot of that working out. They're both hesitant to push me. While I'm apparently ready to push Danny to his fucking breaking point.

Just as I'm stepping out of the tub, my phone vibrates against the counter. I towel off and step into my boxers before I grab it, my eyes scanning over the text. I drop my phone back onto the counter and pull a shirt on before I pick it up again.

**From: Kwan**

_**You okay?** _

I'm pretty sure that's his way of asking if dad's home or not and I like to think I'm good at reading between the lines. Especially when it comes to Kwan. He's been my best friend since we were like eight or something. If I know anyone well enough to read between the lines of their text messages, it's definitely Kwan.

I carry my phone into my bedroom with me and drop it onto my bed, grabbing my backpack from the floor before I crawl onto my mattress. I flip to the pages assigned in algebra and stare down at it like it's suddenly gonna start making sense. Yeah, right. I have a higher chance of shitting a rainbow than I do understanding algebra.

With a groan, I grab my phone and lean against my headboard, typing back a response to Kwan. Maybe if I ask nicely tomorrow, he'll help me correct my shitty answers during lunch. Leave it to senior year to make our free periods at opposite times of the day.

**To: Kwan**

_**Yeah, I'm fine. Dad's not home so it's just me and algebra** _

**To: Kwan**

_**I'm in hell man, this sucks!** _

We both know how terrible I am at math and that last text pretty much sums it up. I toss my phone onto my mattress again and stare down at my algebra book, like maybe this time, I can really figure out what at least one of the answers is.

The house is really quiet around me and I don't think it's hit me until now just how alone I am. In the past, dad wouldn't come home but it was okay cause when ten rolled around, mom was back. Her shift was always over by nine-thirty every night she was working but she's not coming home tonight. Or ever again. It's just me.

I ease myself up from my mattress and push my door closed. I don't know why I feel the need to but I turn the lock as a last measure. Literally nothing is gonna happen but the extra precaution makes me feel a little better. Like maybe I'm not actually alone and I'm just locking the door cause dad's coming home and I don't want him to wake me when he does.

There's really nothing more pathetic than playing pretend so I turn away from my door and crawl onto my mattress again, scribbling down my best guesses for algebra. Once I've filled every question with an answer that looks close enough to the right one, I push the textbook onto my floor and curl up on my mattress.

I leave the light on as I get beneath the covers and tell myself it's cause I'm too lazy to turn it off. But it probably has nothing to do with being lazy. It's cause if I turn the light off, it makes it more real. I'm really alone in the darkness. Is it too early to pathetically text someone because I'm feeling like a mess again?

* * *

 

I've always had trouble sleeping with the light on in the past and really, it doesn't surprise me that it hasn't changed. I spend most of the night alternating between staring at the floor as I hang my head over the edge of my mattress and playing games on my phone.

By the time my alarm goes off, I haven't fallen asleep at all but I move around like I have. I still put on clothes and pack up my textbooks like I've had some kind of rest. As I leave my bedroom, I turn my light out, like it wasn't on the whole night.

Dad's still not here so I put the coffee on myself, sitting at the kitchen table while it continues to brew. I look over my answers to algebra but it makes about as much sense as it did last night. Eventually, I just pack it away again and sit in silence, staring around the kitchen.

Mom and dad argued for hours when they decided to repaint the faded walls and I still remember the screaming match that followed. He'd apparently bought the wrong color and mom said it was cause he never listened to us anymore. Claimed he was with other women. Dad told her she was crazy and that's when things got really ugly. That was another time dad stayed away for a few days.

I had to walk to the store to get a gallon of milk when we ran out cause mom couldn't leave the house. Not looking like she did after dad got through with her. Mom decided it was best not to piss my dad off anymore so we painted while he was gone. The walls aren't really yellow like she wanted, closer to a dirty-looking white, but dad was happy when he came home.

He brought flowers and chocolates back for my mom, saying he was sorry for their fight. I think mom was just thrilled that he came home at all because she didn't argue. She let him sweep her up into his arms and smiled when he kissed her cheek. That was the moment that I thought she'd never leave him. That no matter how fucking awful things got, she'd always stick around him. Guess it's just me that'll never do the leaving.

The coffee pot sputters to a stop and I move from the table to pour myself a travel mug full of the sweet caffeine. The scent is filling the kitchen and it reminds me of when mom was here. Back when I was a kid. When dad would have Saturdays off and the day would always begin with coffee. Mom always insisted that I was too young to start drinking coffee but dad let me have half a cup every Saturday that he was off the schedule. Mom would roll her eyes but she never stopped him. And I drank up the feeling of family every time.

I add the necessary sugar and creamer to my coffee before I find my shoes where I left them. I yank them on before I leave the house, taking my backpack with me as I go. A few of my neighbors are out but I don't speak to them as I make my way to my car. Even the old lady across the street doesn't get more than a look from me when she waves in my direction.

Everything feels wrong today. Maybe it's cause I didn't sleep last night, maybe it's cause I'm worrying about dad, or maybe my mind was taking a walk down memory lane so long, it's decided to reject this as reality. I want to skip school and lay in my bed all day. Pretend that dad didn't come home but mom did. That was one constant thing I don't have any more. When dad doesn't come home, no one does. It's cliché as hell but I hate being alone cause it leaves me to deal with all the fucked-up thoughts that run through my head. Is it really too much to want someone to be there when I get home? I can fix cars and I can get better grades than I could last year but in most ways, I'm still just a kid. Stumbling through life, with the knowledge that I'm completely and totally fucked-up. And I'm really not ready to be an adult yet. Please, someone come home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE
> 
> Yoooo! Less than a week til Christmas, huh? Are yoU FUCKERS READY? I'm not. I swear, I went to sleep in August and here we are in fucking December. I feel old every time I say this but holy shit, time flies.
> 
> So, hi, welcome back to another week of the angst. How's life been? Anything interesting happen? Any of you have big Christmas plans? Also, New Year's plans? I've been making lists since around the start of the month cause I don't want to forget anything and have it all mapped out before the first. I'm gonna get so much done next year… yes, I'm a nerd. I'm fully aware.
> 
> Dash is so angsty right now, like omfg. Looking at where I'm at (writing-wise) in the fic vs where it's being posted like… shit man.
> 
> Now, I know what you're thinking. Another chapter of filler? I know, I know. But trust me. Parts of this chapter set-up for later chapters, I promise. 90% of these past few chapters are used for foreshadowing. And believe me - when you get to the parts I've foreshadowed to, it'll blow your miiiiinds. (Well, I'm hoping it will anyway. Some of it will probably be pretty obvious lmao)
> 
> Still no sign of Danny but I promise you, the space nerd is coming! I can't go too long without Dash seeing the precious boy ;p
> 
> The title of this week's chapter comes from BENNY's 'Boys Will Be Boys'. A) Fucking great video and song. B) That line is so Dash? Like, fuck me, it's perfect. (Not to mention I've been listening to this song nonstop since it dropped, like holy shit I love it) Spoiler alert (?) but I'm pretty sure I'll be using another lyric for a future chapter.
> 
> Also, the Good Charlotte song mentioned is Dance Floor Anthem.
> 
> I said last week that I won't be posting again until the 3rd unless I squeezed in an update today. So, here's the update, squeezed in. Now, I'm off until the 3rd and I hope you guys have some awesome few weeks.
> 
> Happy holidays and I can't wait to talk to you guys again soon. Have a wonderful winter break, you're all the best and I'll see you next chapter!


	32. Harder To Hold Up

I sleep through biology but Ms. Anderson doesn't give me a hard time when she wakes me up after everyone's left. She asks me if I'm okay and I don't really give her an answer. I just move from her class to economics, where I spending the first few minutes staring blankly out the window until movement disrupts me.

Kwan sits down beside me and his eyebrows immediately raise when he gets a look at my face. "You look exhausted," he says, dropping his backpack onto the floor. He leans back in his chair, surveying my face for as long as I let him before I turn my gaze away again.

Our teacher enters the room before Kwan can ask me anything else and I'm kind of glad. I don't think I have it in me to explain that I look exhausted cause I didn't sleep. And that I didn't sleep cause dad wasn't home and the loneliness set in.

I hate being alone but more than that, I hate _feeling_ alone. I can be by myself for hours and never have a problem. I can spend countless amount of days working in the shop and have no one talk to me all shift and I'm fine. But there are times when being alone is suffocating. And I feel like everyone else is falling asleep easy or laughing with their friends. It's times like that where I'm lonely not because I have no one but because in those moments, I only have me and I really fucking hate me.

* * *

 

By the time we're set free for lunch, I'm barely talking anymore. Kwan walks with me to the cafeteria and though we're surrounded by our teammates who are all talking and laughing, I can't bring myself to join in the conversation. It's not that I'm too exhausted to talk, it's just that I can't. No words are coming to me and I'm not interested in thinking of anything to add anyway.

Kwan and I are the first ones to the table and I guess Jeff and Blake are used to my shit cause they keep to themselves and Kwan, never trying to engage me in conversation. Star joins us before any of the other cheerleaders are even in the cafeteria, and she sinks down on the bench next to me with a smile. Paulina will probably make her move as soon as she shows up.

When Dale joins the table, he starts telling us a story about racing his car against some Elmerton douchebags. Normally, I'd be interested and listening to his every word cause cars are literally my fucking life, but I'm distracted by Danny. Cause he's in the cafeteria and I don't think I've ever seen him in here before. Or if I have, I've never noticed.

Jeff notices my sudden interest and his gaze quickly finds where mine is. He grins and before I can stop him, he starts waving and calling out to Danny. "Yo, Fenton! We saved you a seat, come here!" He waves his hands and Danny's face slowly colors.

He stares in our direction for a few seconds, probably deciding what the hell he's gonna do, but in the end, he leaves the cafeteria, ditching his untouched food in the trash. He practically sprints out of the room and I guess my sigh is audible cause everyone at the table turns to look at me, their eyebrows raised expectantly.

"Dude, what gives? He totally saw us," Jeff says, batting me on the shoulder with the back of his hand. I know I must look like I need someone to hold my fucking hand cause Kwan's hand nudges my knee beneath the table, in a show of some kind of support.

I blow out a breath, dropping my gaze to my food with a shrug. "Danny's not really… talking to me right now." We don't really know each other and we're barely friends at this point but I wish I hadn't fucked up the situation so badly. I really liked getting to know him.

"Well, Paulina will be glad to hear that," Star says, nudging me in the side with her elbow. "I heard you two made up." She holds my gaze when I look her way but we don't get to stare at each other for long. Cause Jeff finally realizes what she said.

He practically vaults over Blake to slap me on the back, somehow making room between Kwan and I to sit next to me. "Dude, that's fucking great!" he says with a grin. I can't help but feel like he's way more excited about it than I am. Maybe if my mind wasn't still on Danny, I'd feel the same enthusiasm that Jeff does.

"Yeah, man," I respond, dragging my fingers through my hair. I guess Jeff can tell that I'm not ready to dive into how I feel about this situation cause he shuts up about it. He immediately starts talking about what we're doing this weekend and it's only when Kwan joins the conversation that I start listening to them again.

Kwan's nodding, glancing between Star and Jeff before his gaze meets mine. "Right, Dash?"

I have no fucking clue what the conversation's about but judging from the smile on Kwan's face, I'm guessing it's something good. "Uh… yeah?" I glance between the others at the table before raising an eyebrow. "I blanked. What'd I miss?"

My best friend laughs softly, the corners of his eyes crinkling with the movement. "I mentioned playing flag football this weekend. Like you said yesterday," he says, glancing at my teammates before focusing on me with a hesitant smile. "You're still up for that, right?"

I don't know if that's his way of asking if dad beat the shit out of me within the few hours I was away from him yesterday but I'm fine. Dad didn't come home last night and I've tried to pretend that it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it actually does.

"Yeah, man, I'm good," I respond just as the cheerleaders enter the cafeteria. They move in a pack but they break up when they get to our table. Star instantly switches seats and Paulina slides in next to me, curling an arm around my bicep. I find myself leaning into the touch rather than pulling away from her and I guess she takes that as a good sign. She kisses my temple and exhales softly, a smile on her face when I look at her.

Maybe shit's fucked right now and maybe it will be for a while but our splintered boats found each other's again and this time, I don't want to see us drift apart again. We can do it this time. Not like last time, and not like some shitty romance movie. We can do better. And we will.

* * *

 

Danny's a no-show in English class and I know I'm not the only one concerned as Lancer marks him down as absent, a frown creasing his features. Jeff leans over to ask me what the hell happened between us and I don't respond. Lancer notices us and makes some passive-aggressive comment about being here to learn instead of socialize. Even if Lancer hadn't interrupted us, I don't think I would have come up with anything to tell my teammate.

I'm probably the first one out the door when the bell rings and it's not cause I was in the front row again. I'm debating on whether it's morally acceptable to skip practice and just tell Coach my leg's bothering me, when I'm suddenly tackled from behind.

"Daaash!" Valerie sings out, her arms wrapped around my shoulders as she hugs me from behind. Oh right. I forgot she's actually here on Tuesdays. Still here to take the dreaded Algebra. Only she's in advanced and I'm just a bonehead.

"Hey, Val," I respond, turning back to give her a grin. It takes me a few seconds to understand why the hell her expression changes so fast but then I remember that my face looks like I got into a fist-fight with Wolverine.

Valerie's eyes are wide as she rights herself, one hand reaching out to touch my face. "Dash, oh my god, are you okay?" Her worried expression searches mine and I can't hold her gaze for long. She exhales softly when I drop my stare down to the floor and as people leave classrooms, she pulls me by the arm into an empty one, closing the door behind us.

"What happened?" she whispers, darting a concerned stare toward the window on the door.

_Isn't it obvious?_ I push out a breath and let my backpack hit the floor. "Nothing… y'know how it is," I say with a shrug. There's really nothing else to say. She already knows it's my dad and there's nothing I can do to hide the marks so there's no use denying it.

"Dash, have you…." Valerie trails off and I think I know what she's trying to ask before she's even said it. She's nervous and I don't need her wringing hands to tell me that much. "Have you thought anymore about talking to someone?"

Yeah. I figured it was something like that.

I shake my head, folding my arms over my chest. "No." She starts to argue so I keep going. "Valerie, I already told you, I'm not talking to anyone." I can barely tell my friends what the hell goes on behind closed doors. Why does she think I'll be able to tell a bunch of strangers? Besides, there's no point now. It'll all be over in a year.

Valerie blows out a breath, her gaze flicking around the room like somewhere inside a chemistry classroom, all the secrets to my problems will be revealed. Too bad real life doesn't actually work like that. I could use a magical cure-all right now. Just something so I don't have to go home or hate myself anymore.

"I just think-"

She's interrupted by the static-filled feedback coming through the school's intercom, the sound making both of us wince. She brings a hand up to rub at her temple but I turn my gaze to the speaker, listening to the quiet crackling still filtering through.

_"Dash Baxter, please report to the principal's office. Dash Baxter, to the principal's office."_

The static abruptly stops and I meet Valerie's curious stare with my own. What the fuck do they want me at the office for? I haven't done anything.

"Guess that's my cue," I say. I can feel her watching me as I stoop over to grab my bag, situating the straps before I meet her gaze as I force a smile onto my face. "Catch you later, Val."

"Dash, wait." She crosses over to me, giving me a sympathetic smile and I hate that I can tell. I hate that she feels the need to inject some kind of pity into a goddamn smile. I'm fine. I don't need her to try and make me feel better about the shitty situation with my dad.

She tilts her head to one side, more of a genuine smile coming out with the movement. "Dad and I could use someone to play cards with tonight."

She's just trying to get me over to her place so she doesn't have to worry about me while I'm home. But it doesn't matter. Dad's not gonna be there and even if he is, I know how to handle my own shit. I've been doing it for seventeen years. I would hope that by now, I'm pretty damn good at it.

"Thanks, Val. But I've got a lot of homework to do," I respond, giving her a smile. Though mine aren't pitying, they're definitely forced most of the time. I guess I can't really be angry at her for sympathetic smiles considering mine are either forced or fake. Unless someone catches me on a good day or I'm drunk.

Valerie's expression softens but doesn't fall completely. She just nods, hesitating a few seconds before leaning forward to give me a hug.

I let her fit me against her body, dropping my head to rest my chin on her shoulder. She rubs at my back like she thinks that I need some kind of support. If I wasn't so goddamn tired, I probably would. But nothing really matters when I'm this exhausted.

"Next week, for sure," she insists, smiling warmly when she pulls away. I can't really do anything but give her a smile in response. And regret the day I ever told her about my dad. Valerie has enough of her own shit to deal with. She really shouldn't have to worry about me and mine. But if I've learned one thing throughout this whole mess with my dad, it's that I make selfish look like a fucking form of art.

* * *

 

The secretary gestures for me to go inside the office and after I tap my knuckles on the door, the principal calls out for me to come in. The knob sticks a little but I manage to get it open without too much of a hassle.

As I step inside the office, Principal Ishiyama looks up from her computer screen. I don't understand the expression on her face but I have a feeling that it's supposed to be a sympathetic one. Why the hell would she be looking at me like that? Shit, did Valerie tell our principal about my dad? Or did Kwan? Why the hell would-

"Have a seat," Ishiyama tells me, gesturing to the chair across from her desk. I don't know why but something about that action feels final.

I cross the room and drop my backpack to the floor before sinking down in the chair. I haven't done anything stupid or reckless in a long time. I'm wracking my brains trying to come up with the reason why I'm called in here today and I'm guessing that humor will go a long way to keep my ass out of trouble.

"If my teammates told you anything, my red cups were filled with soda this weekend." I grin and though she smiles, I'm guessing hers is a little more forced than she's trying to make it look. I look away from her, focusing on the desk instead. I don't know what I'm called in here for but I have a feeling I'm in some kind of trouble.

Despite being in and out of trouble throughout the first half of my high school life, I never really had to deal with any kind of consequences. I've known our principal since I was like twelve – she was always one of my mom's best friends. Which is probably why I feel so weird sitting here now.

Ishiyama leans forward, setting her clasped hands on the top of her desk with a sigh. Her hands are just at the edge of my vision and I can see her fingers fidgeting and twitching as the silence stretches on in the office. _Shit, what the hell did I do wrong?_

"Dash… your mother called."

I'm pretty sure my neck almost snaps at the speed I look up. Holy fuck, _what?_ Did I hear her right? My heartbeat is pounding in my ears, I must be misunderstanding what she just said. I try to get my mouth to work, to form some kind of response, but nothing comes out.

After a few silent seconds, Ishiyama draws in a breath, standing up from behind the desk. "She asked to speak to you and I told her I would call you into the office." She moves closer to me and hesitates before leaning against the desk as she folds her arms over her chest. "If you want me to, I can tell her you've already left."

Why would she tell her that? I'm sitting right here. God, I can't believe mom's called. I can't believe she's actually on the other line, waiting for me. I want to pick up the phone and talk for hours but something keeps my hands in my lap. Prevents me from reaching across the desk and picking the phone up just to talk to mom.

Ishiyama hesitates next to me for a second before she leans over to pat me on the shoulder. "I don't blame you if you don't want to talk to her, Dash. She… never should have left you," she says softly, squeezing my shoulder to be supportive I guess. "She's on line one if you decide to talk."

She crosses through her office and when the door shuts behind her, I stare down at the phone. My palms are sweaty and I let out a shaky breath as I lean forward. After two false starts, I manage to pick the phone up. It's heavy in my hand and I slowly bring it up to my face, drawing in a breath before I push the button with a one printed on it.

"H-Hello?" I stammer out. I'm trying to ignore the fact that my hands are fucking shaking but it's pretty hard to pretend. I can't believe mom called. I can't believe she's on the phone with me. She's actually on the other end and-

Mom exhales softly and I can hear it rattle across the line. I commit the sound to memory, replaying it over and over in my head in case that's the only noise she makes before she hangs up. After all this time, she's actually on the phone with me and she could change her mind any second.

_"Hey baby,"_ she says softly and I fucking hate myself for the way tears gather in my eyes. _"How are you?"_

How am I? She calls after nearly nine months of silence and wants to know how I am? How the hell does she expect me to be? I don't even know how I am anymore. Right now, I'm terrified that this is all some kind of dream that I'm about to wake up from.

"I-I'm okay," I choke out, releasing a pent-up breath. I can't think straight and I look around the office, my mind running a thousand miles a minute. I somehow find my voice long enough to ask her the same. "H-How have you been?"

Mom sighs and I can't tell if it's because of the question. _"I'm doing as well as I can."_ Static crackles over the phone before she speaks again. _"I miss you, baby."_

Fuck. She can't say things like that. She can't tell me she misses me and make me feel like I'm breaking all over again. It was so fucking hard to pick myself up after she left, I don't think I have the strength to do it again.

_"I need to tell you something."_ She exhales again and this one sounds more exhausted. Like every word takes more of her energy with it. _"Did you get my letter?"_

Her voice is a hell of a lot stronger than my own and the weak 'yeah' I respond with sounds splintered and broken. I sure as hell feel like I'm breaking and splintering all over my fucking principal's office.

_"There's a lot that I need to explain but… not over the phone. I want to meet with you soon, okay? I don't know when but I'll come find you. Is that okay?"_ she asks, her voice soft on the question. Like she's wondering if my answer could be anything other than yes.

_She wants to see me?_ The breath sticks in my throat and I can't respond. The words form in my brain but my tongue refuses to speak them. 'Okay, sure,' should be easy to say but not for me. I can't speak and I guess my silence goes on too long for her.

_"Dash?"_

I let out a breath, jerking the hand that isn't clenched around the phone through my hair. "Y-Yeah, okay…" I don't know how the hell I'm gonna handle seeing her again after it's been so long but I guess I'll have to figure out a way to.

There are so many things I want to say to her before this conversation ends but my tongue won't cooperate. I want to ask her why she left without me and if there's anything I could do to come with her now but I don't. And we talk about surface shit for the last few minutes we're on the phone together. I try so fucking hard to be angry at her but I can't be. If I had the chance to get as far away from this town as I could, I'd take it. I can't blame mom for not being too scared to try.

* * *

 

I don't think I really know where I'm going until my car stops at the lookout Danny showed me. It's the only place I could think of that's outside of Amity Park but maybe the distance is what I need right now. I don't know when I'll be seeing mom again, all she said was soon. I have until whenever that is to get my shit together long enough for her to not want to immediately leave.

The high school's parking lot is pretty much empty as I stare down at it but a few stragglers are still leaving the building. My phone rings half a dozen times and I get several texts while I'm sitting in my car, watching the storm clouds rolling overhead. I don't check any of the notifications. I'm still too lost in my own thoughts, drowning without anything to grab onto.

My mind's running a thousand miles a second and yet, at the same time, it's standing completely still. Like I'm thinking about too much shit all at once so my brain's just shutting down.

It finally starts to rain and I guess the noise and movement of the drops hitting my windshield is enough to drag even me from my thoughts. I pull away from the abandoned lookout and head back to Amity Park, straight for the only place that can help me now. Alex's garage.

* * *

 

Stephen's working the afternoon to evening shift along with Keith and they both give me a curious look when I punch my time card in. I'd say my face doesn't hurt as bad as it looks but I don't actually want to talk. That'd involve responding to whatever they say and not getting lost in my own thoughts again and I'm not into that right now. I'd rather just sulk on my own and fix some busted-up cars since I can't do the same to my heart.

Keith moves next to my bay, despite not being finished with the Toyota Highlander he was working on when I came in. He plops down on the stool the next bay over, whistling as he cleans the grease off his tools. I'm pretty sure he's only moved next to me with the assumption that he can get me to talk. But if words are oxygen, I'm fucking suffocating and no one can rescue me.

My coworkers settle into a casual discussion and though they try to engage me several times, I don't take the bait. My head is still too full of everything mom said. Everything she didn't say. So many questions crowd up my brain and I know the moment I see her, I'm gonna want to ask her all of them. I don't even know if she'll have the answers to half of them but I'll probably ask anyway.

I can feel my phone vibrating again and I dig it out of my pocket only to silence it. There's several missed call alerts from Kwan, a handful of unread text messages from both Valerie and Paulina, as well as several notifications from Facebook. I don't have the energy to look at any of it right now so I just pocket my phone again, moving back to switching out the battery on a beat-up Taurus. The thing looks like it's held together by hope and duct tape and I fucking relate. I've never seen myself reflected in anything as well as this shitty, broken car.

"Kwan's really worried about you," Keith abruptly says, pulling my attention from the car. I must give him a semi-interested expression because he continues. "He's been texting me non-stop since I left school. You weren't at practice and you're not answering your phone so I'm sure he's assuming the worst."

If 'the worst' is getting a call from your mother and ending up so lost in your own fucking mind that you can't even think anymore, he's not wrong. Hell, if Kwan's hit the nail on the head, I'm not even sure how I'll respond. He's usually able to guess what's bothering me but I doubt even he could see this curveball coming.

The rain is still pouring down outside, the smell drifting through the open garage as I lean my forearms against the car. I don't really know what to say to Keith. I'm used to Kwan being a little overprotective and worried but Keith probably isn't. They're teammates, not best friends. Typically only I witness the paranoid, frantic caller that Kwan becomes when I haven't responded in a little while. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that my best friend has branched out into calling and texting other people multiple times when I don't respond to him.

"You should give him a call, Dash," Keith says softly. "I told him you were here but he's probably still worried."

It really should be that easy. But I'm a selfish prick and I can't just do what's expected of me. I always have to make things more difficult or ask someone else to take care of my shit for me. Which is exactly what I can use Keith for.

"Can you text him for me?" I ask, my voice a little scratchy. I don't think I've said a word since I left Casper High and I guess my vocal cords aren't used to the extended break.

Keith's silent for a few seconds before he pulls his phone from his pocket. "Sure." He opens up the text and I slam the hood closed on the car. The new battery's installed and I could easily just go home now. Sit in silence for a few hours or hell, maybe I'd do my homework.

"Just… tell him I'm okay, please?" I ask, looking toward my teammate. Keith's eyes take in the bruises on my face but he doesn't say anything as he drops his gaze to his phone with a nod. I probably owe him and Kwan an explanation for the way I've been acting and ignoring everyone's calls but there's nothing to say.

Keith pockets his phone again and he and Stephen share a look before I speak. I'm afraid if I don't, they'll start telling me how I can talk to them or how they'd understand or whatever bullshit they're thinking. "Listen, I'm gonna take off early. If Alex comes around, will you tell him I'll make up my hours next week?" I'm definitely gonna need the garage whenever mom shows up.

Stephen nods before Keith can say anything, leaning against the car he's working on. "Sure, no problem." He hesitates a couple of seconds before he asks. I knew one of them was going to. "Is something going on?"

I haven't even told Kwan about the letter mom sent. I can't tell Keith and Stephen either. The only person I can talk to right now that already knows would be Valerie. But I don't want her worrying or trying to talk me out of seeing mom. I don't even know when the hell she's gonna show up but I know one thing. What she wrote in her letter doesn't matter, I still have to see my mom.

"No," I say, moving away from the car as thunder rolls overhead. My footsteps are the only noise in the shop as I move to punch my time card again, giving a half-hearted wave as I turn to exit the garage. Other than the truth, there's nothing to tell my coworkers that'll explain the way I've been acting. And I'm not giving anyone the truth.

* * *

 

By the time I pull into my driveway, the rain is pouring down and I'm soaked before I've even made it to the porch. The door sticks again and though I slam my body against it twice, it still catches both times. Only on the third time, it decides to open and when it finally does, I'm able to get inside my house, hanging onto the doorknob to stay upright.

The tile of the foyer is slick underneath my shoes and I try my best not to slip. It takes actual effort to stay upright but somehow, I manage to lock the door behind me and kick my shoes off without falling over.

I flip the switch for the living room light but the damn bulb must've blown. Great. Just my fucking luck today. I don't even know if dad kept the ladder he borrowed from Paulina's dad a couple months ago but goddammit, I don't think I can reach the living room light without it.

There's no telling if we even have any light bulbs so whatever. I'll fix it tomorrow or the next day or hell – maybe not at all. It's not like dad's around to care if a stupid light doesn't work anymore.

My mind is still on mom and everything I want to ask her the next time we talk and none of the questions I'm coming up with are gonna be easy. Fuck, I don't even know if I'll be able to ask half of the shit I'm thinking.

It's late already. No point in doing anything but sleeping. If my stomach wasn't bitching for food, I'd just collapse on my bed and forget this day ever happened. It's just been bullshit from the start. And maybe it's cause I didn't sleep last night but I'm so fucking drained.

The freezer light doesn't come on when I open the door and there's a sinking feeling in my gut before I even touch the inside of the freezer. Fuck. It's barely cold. Did everything just decide to fucking break tonight? When the kitchen light won't turn on either, it's pretty obvious. I'd have to be some kind of moron to not figure it out by now. Dad didn't pay the fucking power bill.

Goddammit, this is _just_ like him. He's pulled this kind of shit before, taken off without paying any of the bills – leaving mom and I to clean up the mess. He always insisted on handling the finances so he could pull crap like this. When mom was here, she always took care of it. But I don't know how to do any of this shit or even where to pay this shit and goddammit, is this my fucking _life_ now? Picking up my broken pieces and cleaning up whatever mess dad leaves in his wake?

I don't know if it's cause I'm really that fucking tired or if it's the phone call with mom, but I can't hold it together anymore. Ugly sobs claw their way out of me and I sink down on the floor, my back against the fridge. It's probably too late to go anywhere and figure out where the hell I'm supposed to pay this shit at. I'm stuck here in the dark for the night and there's nothing I can do.

Alex or Kwan would probably let me stay with them for the night but I don't want anyone's pity anymore. I can't handle it tonight. I should be able to just sleep when I lay down and I sure as hell shouldn't be pathetically sobbing on my kitchen floor. All cause a fucking power bill wasn't paid on time.

It's past midnight by the time I force myself up the stairs and though I trip over everything on my floor, I make it to my bed in one piece. I'm mostly dry from the rain earlier but I still strip off my clothes and crawl under my sheets in only my boxers.

The house feels colder without the lights and I don't know if sleep or sadness takes me first.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooooooooo!
> 
> I haven't updated this story since last year! …too soon to make that joke? ;p you know you still love iiiiitttt. Honestly though, I feel a little out of sorts, I guess? It's only been two weeks though, isn't it too soon to have lost the rhythm of this?
> 
> So hi, hey. How's it going? Were your holidays good? Have you started the dreaded school back? Good luck with that, thank god I'm already out of there
> 
> No Danny yet but with an ending like last chapter's, did you guys really expect him to return so soon? Naaah, there's still some angst to be had there. But in the meantime, how about that angst with his dad, huh? Preeeeetty shitty situation I've put him in, eh?
> 
> (please don't hate me)
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from Bring Me The Horizon's "Drown". The full lyric is, "The weight of the world's getting harder to hold up." Like, is that not Dash?
> 
> "Drown" fits Dash and this fic pretty well, actually. If you haven't heard it, you should check it out, it's good stuff. Also that reminds me, would you guys want me to make a playlist including all the songs mentioned in this fic on Spotify or 8tracks or something? I don't know that much about Spotify to be honest but if that's something you guys wanna see, I can figure it out.
> 
> Okay, so, speaking of music. I heard a song the other day that I'm just so in love with. It doesn't fit Stay at all so unfortunately, I won't be using it for a chapter title but it's still an amazing song. Like 40 million people have already jumped on the band-wagon of this so I won't be surprised if you've heard of it but still. If you haven't, go hear Ed Sheeran's "Castle On The Hill". It's fucking amazing, okay? It just… gives me such a nostalgic feeling and reminds me of why I love music. Why I write lyrics. Why it's such a huge part of my life.
> 
> I can't put into words or describe how much I love this song and it's okay if you listen to it and don't like it. Opinions and preferences and all that. Just saying, from my standpoint, it's amazing. (Side note: doing an art piece off it and I can't wait to hang it up on my wall)
> 
> Anyway, back to the reason you guys are even here, the fic. Or perhaps more importantly, the angst. Trust me, there's plenty of it to come.
> 
> Whaaaaat'd you guys think of this ending? Do you hate Howard Baxter? What about his mom? Gimme your thoughts in general, they keep me young. (I'm like Spectra only with angst)
> 
> So, that's chapter 32. I hope you guys enjoyed it and are looking forward to the next one. It's a fairly angsty one so, keep your eyes open for that. Thank you for continuing to support this story and leave feedback, I really do appreciate all of you.
> 
> Until next time, enjoy the angst!


	33. I Just Don't Feel Like A Grown-Up Yet

The rain is still pounding when my alarm goes off for the morning so my room is dark. It only makes the idea of staying in bed that much more appealing. Considering that yesterday sucked balls, I can only imagine what today's got in store for me.

I should probably go for a run. Or at least get out of bed. But the day's already looking like it's gonna suck just as much as yesterday. And I'd just go back to sleep and skip class if I could ignore my fucking phone.

The damn thing won't stop vibrating and blasting some crap ass ringtone I must've picked while I was drunk. Jesus Christ, _why_ did I pick such an annoying sound?

With a groan, I roll over onto my stomach and lunge off the edge of my bed to grab my phone from where I left it on the floor.

"'Lo?" I mumble as soon as I tap the answer on Kwan's incoming call. Knowing my best friend, he's probably freaking the fuck out cause I haven't called or texted him since yesterday. And I didn't go to practice either so I'm sure he's worried out of his mind. Probably shitty of me to not contact him until now but I'm sure he's come to expect it. I've always been shitty, he's probably used to it.

_"Dash, where the hell are you? I've been calling and texting you since practice yesterday. I barely slept, I was so worried!"_ Kwan says all in one breath. There's a few seconds of silence while he inhales and I wait him out. It's not like I have anything to add. _"Did something happen?"_

I'd almost prefer for him to be angry with me. I hate the concern I can hear dripping from his words. I don't need anyone to worry over me. I'm fine. Fucked-up. Whatever, same thing. Kwan wastes so much of his time worrying about me and he shouldn't. I'm not worth his time or effort anymore.

Maybe when I was younger, I was. Back when I had illusions of grandeur and dreams of getting out of this town alive. But I've given up those thoughts and I definitely don't deserve Kwan's concern or sympathy anymore. This is my fucking bed now and I've gotta lie in it.

"Sorry," is about all I can manage to say. I want to say it a thousand times over but not just to Kwan. To mom for not being the kind of son she could take with her when she left. To dad for being such a fuck-up and making him angry enough to swing at me. To Danny, for screwing up whatever budding friendship we had. To Alex for being a terrible employee, to Kwan for being a dick all the time, to my teammates, to everybody I've ever met. "I-I'm just sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. Sorry, s-"

_"Hey, it's okay,"_ Kwan says softly and I realize that I said those last few apologies out loud. _"Talk to me. What's going on, Dash?"_

I can't tell him about the phone call with my mom. And I don't want to hear what he'd say about dad not paying for the power bill. We've already talked about how I fucked things up with Danny so there's really nothing else to talk about. And it's not really those things. It's more of...

"It's everything, man," I say, my voice incredibly quiet as I try my best to hold myself the fuck together. Not exactly an easy feat when the weight of the world knows just where the cracks in my broken pieces are.

Kwan exhales and though I can hear it over the phone, it's still quiet. I don't know if that sigh is cause of me being me again but I really hope this isn't the time he decides that I'm just not worth it anymore. God, he'd be so fucking right and I wouldn't even try to change his mind.

_"Why didn't you come to practice yesterday? I talked to Valerie and she said you were called to the office,"_ Kwan says, attempting to get me to explain in less of a broad sense than 'everything'. I can't really blame him for trying but he's probably already guessed that I won't tell him anything. It's not like I'm trying to lock him out, it's just hard. I guess when you're used to keeping such a tight lock on everything you feel, it's hard to let anyone else in.

There are so many things I could say to explain my absence but I don't want to lie. I also don't want to tell him the truth. "I don't know, man," I mumble, scrubbing a hand down my face with a sigh. It's really stupid of me to keep Kwan of all people out of this… and there's somewhere I could start.

"Promise not to get mad?" I ask, already groaning cause I know he will. If there's one thing my best friend hates, it's my dad. And I know this latest incident will just fuel that fire.

I take Kwan's silence as him not making any kind of promises but I just plunge ahead anyway. No use avoiding the inevitable. "Dad didn't pay the power bill." The complete silence sounds deafening and I roughly exhale just to create a noise. "It's not that big of a deal, I'm just gonna-"

_"Dash, did you come home to an empty, dark house?"_  There's not really a question to his tone and he only waits a beat before he huffs, sounding seriously ticked off. _"Son of a bitch, he's such a child, you know that? He acts like a dick all the time just because he can. He just likes to throw his goddamn weight around and act like you can't survive without him. But you're better off when he's gone."_

Kwan takes a few seconds to catch his breath and I'm still processing everything that just came out of his mouth. Kwan's not exactly a saint but he doesn't swear even half as often as I do and I'm surprised. Even for a conversation revolving around my dad, that has to be a new record for my best friend.

_"I can loan you some money after practice. I can't believe he'd just take off like that. He can be a real asshole, Dash. If I were you-"_

"N-No, man. That's alright, I got it," I interject, finally forcing myself to sit upright. "I've got the money, I can take care of it." I just don't know _where_ to take care of it. Part of me doesn't want Kwan to know that. I don't know how else I'm supposed to figure it out but I'll search for it on the internet or something. I can't have my best friend hold my hand every day of my life.

I leave the warmth of my bed before I can talk myself out of it and begin rummaging through my closet for something to wear. "I'm gonna pay it after school." I don't know if I'm even gonna show up for practice today but I should probably make an attempt. If you miss practice, you're usually benched for the following game. Coach doesn't take skipping practices lightly but he'll make an exception once. Probably not twice.

_"Okay, I need to get going,"_ Kwan says, his breathing a little labored. I wonder if he's finishing his morning run. Probably. Leave it to Kwan to keep up with his shit even when he's got so much else to deal with. _"But I'll see you at school, right?"_

Skipping all day still sounds really fucking appealing. But I don't want Kwan to worry any more than he already is. "Yeah. I'll see you there."

* * *

 

I take the world's coldest shower and I'm still kind of shivering by the time I leave the house, my letterman jacket thrown over my arm. No electricity means no coffee. And I'm running kind of late so I can't stop for any on the way. Which means today's gonna be long as fuck. Everyone seems extra annoying when I don't get my morning dose of caffeine.

As soon as I'm in my car, I scroll through the messages on my phone. A ton of them are from Kwan, just asking if I'm okay or where the hell I am. But a couple are from Paulina and I'm surprised by how her words actually make me feel something. Normally, we're texting when we're horny but this is an entirely different feeling.

**From: Paulina**

_**The boys said you weren't at practice… I hope you're okay!** _

**From: Paulina**

_**I know things haven't been easy between us for a while but I'm really hoping this is a chance to start over. And I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything.** _

There's some kind of sincerity to her message that makes it hard for me to brush this off as her way of rekindling things between us. I get the feeling that this message didn't come from the Paulina everyone else sees. This is from the one only I got to see before junior year. I miss that girl.

I don't know what to say back but I feel shitty for not responding before. I mean… given all the shit that happened yesterday, I highly doubt that she'll hold it against me but still. She's really making an effort here.

**To: Paulina**

_**Thanks, that means a lot. Sorry, yesterday was crazy** _

There's probably a hell of a lot more that I could say and maybe on some level she deserves to know but I'm not ready to tell anyone yet. This shit with my mom is supposed to stay between me and her. At least until after I see her. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep it a secret and it's probably really fucking stupid to see her after she left me and stopped taking my calls but some twisted part of myself has to see this through. I need to see how this whole thing plays out and I'm dying to know what she's gonna say to me. I don't care if I hate it, I have to know.

* * *

 

My teammates are heading in to the school building when I pull into a parking space but Paulina and Kwan hang back. Star hesitates beside Paulina's side but darts off when Jeff calls out to her. I watch them climb the steps before I turn my engine off and slide my arms into my jacket, grabbing my backpack as I open the door. Kwan smiles at me when I step out and offers a cup of coffee my way when I'm close enough. Oh fuck me, I seriously don't deserve this kindness.

"Thanks man," I mumble, taking a small sip before my gaze drifts to Paulina. She gives me a smile and I notice that her eyes are free of makeup. Or if it's there, it's pretty fucking subtle. She's pulled her hair back into a low ponytail and she definitely looks like the Paulina I knew in sophomore year.

"Hey," she says softly, taking a step closer to me. There's a second of hesitation before she pulls me into a hug and I gotta admit… she fits pretty perfectly in my arms.

I kiss the top of her head and she pulls away to smile up at me. It feels weird but somehow almost right to be like this with her again. I don't even bother trying to stop the smile that's pulling at my mouth. "Sorry I didn't text you yesterday," I tell her, glancing toward Kwan with an exhale. "Both of you."

Kwan shrugs, his hands disappearing into his jeans pockets. "It's okay." He gives me a smile but I think it's just code for 'I'm used to it by now'. God, I've had enough time to get the fuck over it, why do I still feel like crap?

"Is everything okay?" Paulina asks, her eyes taking in the bruises again. I really wish that I could say that I'm fine. Or that I'll be fine. I wish my tongue wasn't immediately prepared to start bitching. And I really wish it didn't come so naturally to me.

I exhale heavily, letting go of her hand to shift my backpack strap. One side is digging into my shoulder and it's bugging me. "Yeah, I'm fine." I take a sip of my coffee as Kwan and Paulina share a look. They probably both know I'm bullshitting and they're trying to figure out which one I'll tell the truth to. There's a high chance that neither of them will get to hear it.

"Come on, Ms. Anderson's really strict about being late," I say. Kwan looks like he wants to stop me but he doesn't. The three of us walk next to each other and I feel like I've fallen back into our sophomore year. Before Kwan told his parents how he feels about guys and before Paulina and I royally fucked up who we used to be. Before my mom left. When life was simple.

* * *

 

Danny's a no-show in English again and Lancer doesn't even call his name or ask anyone if we've seen him. He just marks him down and launches into his lesson for the day.

I'm probably the only one in the room wondering where the fuck he is. I doubt he's the kind of person that would skip just cause of the shit that went down between us but I can't help but feel like maybe it's personal. This is the second time since Sunday and god, I hope it's not cause of me. I really don't want to be the reason that Danny skips classes.

By the time the bell rings for the end of the class, I'm ready to bolt. And I'd leave the building as soon as possible if not for Kwan. He's outside Lancer's classroom when I exit and he easily falls into step beside me.

"Listen, I gotta take off but call me later and I'll help you with this power bill stuff," Kwan says, following me out into the parking lot.

I continue walking for a few seconds before I look at my best friend, raising an eyebrow. "You're not gonna be at practice?" I ask and he shakes his head. My eyebrows draw down as I speak. "Why are you skipping?"

Kwan looks away from me, letting out a quiet breath. He avoids meeting my gaze as we walk together to my car. I open the passenger door and exchange my backpack for my gym bag, slamming the door closed again. I situate the bag on my shoulder before I turn around to face Kwan, giving him a questioning look.

He exhales softly, scratching at the back of his head. "It's… a long story. I'll call you or text you later or something, okay?" he mumbles, glancing at his phone with a sigh. "I gotta go."

I watch him start for his own car for a few seconds before I call his name. He glances over his shoulder, a hesitant worry threatening to take over his features. I don't want him to worry about me at all. He deserves at least a few hours without my shit crowding up his head. Even if whatever the fuck he's gonna do is already causing that frown on his face.

"Don't worry, okay? Just practice for the both of us so we can win next game," Kwan says, pumping his fist in the air. The action would be convincing if I didn't know my best friend or see the skin tightening around his eyes. He's holding it together but just barely. What the fuck has a hold of him?

* * *

 

I'm pretty sure I die on the field. Seriously, how the fuck am I supposed to be able to keep up with everyone when I barely slept last night? I thought about mentioning that but knowing Coach, he'd just say I was trying to find an excuse. And to be fair, I haven't been running every day like my teammates. I don't know how they do it, it's a struggle just to drag my ass to school every day.

The parking lot empties quickly and though I really don't want to, I start for home. I don't know where the hell to pay this power bill and I don't know who to ask. I'm not bothering Kwan right now and I can't stand the thought of Valerie knowing that dad's done this before. Those are the only two officially in the know which leaves me with no one. Maybe I can find something at the house that'll tell me what to do.

Normally, the drive home feels a lot longer but it goes by so fast this time. Probably cause I don't actually want to be here. I'm on my porch before I know it but the door only sticks once so I guess that's a small victory for the day.

I don't know how much longer the sun's gonna be out so I make my way into the dining room as soon as I drop my backpack on the couch. Better to get this over with before I run out of time. I really don't want to spend another night in the dark.

The stack of mail is still on the table, reminding me that I never checked it yesterday or today. Should probably do that before I leave.

My fingers still thumb through the mail until I find a few envelopes that look like they're bills or at the very least, they look important. I tear into them quickly and scan them over. One is another bill that dad hasn't paid but it doesn't look like it's the power bill. It does say something about shutting something off…? Maybe it is the power bill… fuck, I can't tell any of this apart.

I have no way of knowing what's what between these four envelopes I chose and I really just want the power turned back on. I barely spend what I make at Alex's on anything other than food, I definitely have the money to pay these. I just don't know how.

Maybe… Alex could help me. Shit, do I really want him to? If I ask him to tell me where the hell to pay these bills, he'll ask why I'm the one paying them and not dad. And I'll have to explain that dad and I had a fight and he skipped out on paying a couple of bills to make me miserable. Fuck, I _really_ don't want to spend another night in the dark.

I don't even realize I'm doing it until my thumb is hovering over the send button on a text message to Alex. I'm just asking him if he's working today. It's not like he can tell anything from that text. I could always ask Anastasia instead. She wouldn't ask as many questions as I know Alex will. But she'd probably mention it and then Alex would find out anyway. Fuck, what do I do?

Hesitation is one thing but I'm just fucking stalling now. I tap the send button and pocket my phone, looking over the letters again. Shit, I must really be an idiot. These don't make any sense and I wish I'd asked mom how to do this kind of thing before she left. Just in case. But I was naïve and thought she'd never leave me alone with dad. We were supposed to be each other's anchors but maybe I was just her dead weight. Keeping her trapped in Amity Park, never able to leave or move on or-

_No_. I can't let my mind go there. I have to focus and figure out how to do this on my own. Mom's not here to hold my hand during this process and I don't need her to. I can do this without her. If I could ever figure out how to fucking read these stupid letters.

My phone vibrates in my pocket and I easily give in, grateful that out of everyone in my life, Alex is still here. He hasn't given up on me yet and thank fucking god cause I really can't do this.

**From: Alex**

_**Yeah, I'm closing soon. Why?** _

I should really figure this out on my own but I don't even know where to start. And it's getting late and I'm gonna run out of time. I guess dad was right. I really can't handle being an adult. At least Alex is still here to hold my hand for now.

* * *

 

Alex is shutting off the lights inside the garage when I pull into the lot and he looks surprised at my presence. I didn't bother to text him back cause I wasn't sure what to say. And really, I didn't want to do this over the phone. Sure, it'd prevent him from seeing my face and the marks dad left on it but Alex would want to come over anyway. Make sure I got everything sorted and all that shit.

He's walking across the shop to meet me when I get out of my car. I hate how quickly his smile disappears when he gets a look at my face. _I'm okay, Alex. Please don't look at me like that, I'm fine._

I stuff the letters into my back pocket, letting out a breath as I close the distance between us. He stops when I do and I'm guessing that he thinks I need the space. Maybe I do, I don't know. The only thing I know for certain is that I need his help. Otherwise, I'm not getting out of this mess until dad comes home. And I really don't want him to know how terrible I am at this kind of shit.

"H-Hey," I stammer, sliding my hands into my pockets and dropping my gaze to the shop floor. I feel awkward, like I'm fourteen again. When I would hang on to Alex's every word and follow after him like a damn puppy. "How's uh… how's work been?"

Alex is silent for a few seconds and when I meet his stare, he's watching me. He's studying my bruises and I hate the sympathy I can see in his eyes. _I'm okay, Alex. I promise, I'm okay._

_"Does it still hurt?" he asks, taki_ ng a small step toward me. His arms hang limply at his sides but he looks like he wants to reach out and hug me. I don't think I'd even try to stop him. I… almost want to ask him to.

I let out a breath, moving my hand from my pocket to run my fingers through my hair. "Yeah, a little." Actually, it hurts a lot. But I'm not gonna say that. It's probably obvious and anyway- it's just my face. It's not like when it's my ribs or my stomach and just breathing hurts. My face, I can handle.

Alex nods and takes another step closer to me. This time, he puts a hand on my shoulder and maybe that touch is what I needed. Some kind of comfort or reassurance that maybe everything's not as bad as it seems. His touch gives me the courage to start talking.

"I need your help." It's straight to the point and hopefully doesn't sound pathetic. Well… it's me, so I'm sure it's at least a little pathetic. I don't know if it sounds the same to everyone else but it sure as hell sounds that way to me.

"Okay," he says softly, his hand never leaving my shoulder. I feel like he's keeping it there on purpose, to keep me going. If I wasn't faced with the idea of returning to a home with no power and no idea when dad would be back to turn it on again, I think I'd probably tell him to forget it and I'd get back in my car.

My hand shakes as I grab the bills from my back pocket and I hold them out toward Alex with a shaky exhale. "U-Um… my dad uh… he took off for a couple days, a-an investigation or something and uh… he kinda forgot to pay a couple of the bills," I mumble. The papers are shaking in my trembling hand but I continue anyway. "I uh, I don't know where to pay these a-and I was hoping you could tell me where to go. Just kinda point me in the right direction or something."

Alex hesitates a few seconds before his hand leaves my shoulder and he takes the papers from me. I drop my hand as soon as he does, trying to forget that my hands are shaking at all. My breath is still shaky but I try my best to control it. I'm starting to feel a little light headed and Danny's breathing trick comes back to me. Something like 2, 6, and 8, right? … that's probably not it.

I chew on my thumbnail while I watch Alex, still partially concentrating on my breathing. I'd hate to pass out and Alex insist on watching over me or something. That'd really put a dent in my 'turn the lights back on and go the fuck home' plan.

The silence is thick between us and the frown on Alex's face deepens until I'm pretty sure it'll be there permanently. He lets out a small breath, muttering for a second as he flips between letters. I watch his eyes scan the paper and suddenly he stops, looking up at me.

There's so much sympathy in his eyes, I feel like I'm gonna choke on it. I drop my hand from my mouth, ready to say that I'm fine or that it's nothing out of the ordinary but Alex speaks first. And to be honest, I'm not sure I would have found my voice if he hadn't.

"Dash… are you bruised because of your dad?" Alex asks, worry painted across his face like his expression belongs in an art gallery. I really wish I wasn't the reason for that look. I don't need anyone's sympathy anymore. It's not like when I was five and I didn't know how to deal with dad when he would drink. I know how to deal with it all now.

I have to look at the floor again. I don't want to see Alex's face like that right now. Or ever, really. At least not cause of me. And I really don't want to lie to him. I hate lying to Alex, it's like trying to lie to Jesus or something. He can always tell when I'm being completely honest and when there's only some truth to my words.

Alex puts a finger on the underside of my chin, his touch gentle as he turns my face up to look at him. He doesn't ask again but it's clear from his expression that he still wants an answer. It's been so fucking long since I've let anyone else in. I told Paulina in sophomore year for christ's sake. I don't know if I even remember how to open up anymore.

"Y-Yeah." I think I surprise myself with the answer but I can't take it back now. It's out of my mouth, hanging in the air, and I really wish I hadn't said it. Alex has his own shit to deal with and from the way Anastasia was talking the other night, it seems like it's way more than I ever thought.

He must be able to sense that I don't want to talk about it cause he hesitates for a few seconds before he speaks. "Are you bruised anywhere else?" His voice is soft and I think he's trying to make sure that I stay calm or whatever cause he doesn't normally speak this quietly.

I shake my head, a little afraid to speak in case it brings the shakiness back. I've managed to get my breathing to steady again but there's no telling if it'll stay that way for long. I can only hope that I can hold myself together for a little while longer.

Alex drops his hand from my chin and takes a hesitant step toward me. I don't stop him and he easily pulls me into his arms, one hand cupping the back of my head while the other curls around my back. Shit, I can feel myself tearing up.

"It's okay, Dash," he whispers softly and it's like the damn floodgates break or some shit cause I can't stop the tears from escaping. I try really fucking hard to keep it quiet and it would have probably gone unnoticed if it wasn't for the silence of the shop. But my sniffle is loud and Alex shushes me softly, continuing to rub my back. I don't want to cry again but he makes it so easy. And I bury my face in his shoulder and before I know it, I'm clutching at his shirt like I'm that five-year-old kid again. The one who just didn't understand why dad would get angry and why mom wouldn't stop him. The one that would nurse bruises and skinned knees and let everyone at school think that they were both from riding my bike too fast down the biggest hill in Amity Park.

I've been dealing with dad's shit for twelve years and maybe that's why I can't just stop. Because I've never told Alex the truth before. He's asked and I've ignored or avoided the question. Sometimes I just lied. But here and now, I couldn't. I can't keep him out anymore. Above everyone else, I _need_ Alex. He's always been there in the past and he and his family fucking held me together after mom left.

That five-year-old kid is long gone and the seventeen-year-old in his place still nurses bruises and wonders how to pay power bills that he really shouldn't be dealing with. It's my senior year. It should be about parties and getting so drunk I don't even remember whose party it was and the kind of football games that people outside of Amity Park talk about. Not dealing with an angry dad that takes off when we fight and leaves me to pick up the broken pieces of myself. I'm not fucking china and I think this is the first time that I've ever admitted to myself that none of this is fair. It wasn't when I was five and it's not now. I don't think it ever was.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, yo, yo!
> 
> Welcome back to another week of the angst. Have you missed me? I know one thing you're missing for sure, the space nerd…. I'm sorry! Next chapter, I promise, he's back. (And it's angsty as fuck so buckle in)
> 
> Yay, Dash finally let someone in on the secret! The poor child though. He just wants to be loooooved (and I won't let him be mwhahaha! …until Danny comes along of course)
> 
> I've really been enjoying your comments about Dash's mom (and his dad too). I'm glad so many of you are upset with her lmao. I aim to displease when it comes to this story pff
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from 'Atlas' by Man Overboard. It's the first track on the Stay playlist on 8tracks. (though I'm considering adding it to Spotify since I've started using the app and have fallen completely in love with it?) I really feel like that song reflects Dash in a little bit of a happier note compared to some of the other songs I've compared him to. …I can't help it, the boy must be tortured!
> 
> So, in 10 days, I'll have been writing this story for a year. It's really weird to think that it's almost been an entire year since I started this train wreck, like holy shit. That's a pretty big accomplishment, sticking with it and all, so to celebrate, I've written an anniversary piece for it which will go up in the first week of February. I'll give you some more information about that when the day draws closer but for now, just know that it miiiiight be written from the POV of someone other than Dash… ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading this story, this past year has been insane and I've been so happy to watch Stay grow the way it has. I love reading everything you've had to say about this fic. Who knew the tiny idea I had in my mind of Dash being abused would grow into something like this?
> 
> I'm gonna stop there before I get all mushy. Thanks for coming back for another week of this angsty shit. I appreciate the hell out of all of you and I'll see you next chapter!


	34. Nobody Knows That You've Got A Heavy Soul

After I somehow manage to pull myself together, Alex rides in my passenger seat, telling me when to turn. Other than the directions, we're not really talking and I can't decide if the silence is suffocating or not.

Part of me is grateful that he's not trying to drag me into a conversation cause I'm really not sure how well I'd hold up in one right now. I still feel kinda off from my surprise waterworks. I guess Alex can sense that because he doesn't even look my way until I coast my car to a stop where he says to. We're in the parking lot of a building I vaguely recognize as somewhere my mom and I went as a child a couple times. I never would have found it without Alex here.

"They may not be able to turn the lights on until the morning," Alex says, his voice quiet even in the silence of my car. I can't help but feel like the sympathy on his face is for more than just this shitty situation. "If that's the case, I want you to stay with me for the night."

A groan slips from me. "Alex-"

"No." He shakes his head, his decision clear in his expression. "No fighting me on this. I don't… I can't stand the thought of you spending the night in the dark, okay? So if the power can't be turned on until tomorrow, you're staying with me." His voice is still quiet but pretty damn firm, leaving no room for arguing. And honestly, I don't want to argue with Alex.

"Okay," I softly respond. My own voice sounds weird to my ears and I wonder if it does to Alex. He gives me a curious look, his eyes taking in the damage again.

He watches me for a few seconds, like he's trying to make a decision between two options and they both suck major ass. "Dash, did you…" he trails off after a few seconds, giving me a questioning look. "This is the first day the power's been off, right?" The expression on his face looks pretty much exactly how I feel. I wonder how good my bullshitting is lately cause I really can't stand the idea of telling him the truth.

"Yeah, I came home and the lights were out. I found the stack of mail on the counter and dug through it 'til I found what looked like some bills." I give him a shrug and I hope it appears as casual.

Alex holds my gaze for a few seconds before his expression falls. He lets out a breath as he turns away from me, staring down at his lap as he turns right in his seat. "I don't know why you think I can't tell when you're lying." He curls his hand around the door handle but he doesn't open it yet. I guess he's waiting on my response.

"S-Sorry," I say, dropping my stare too. There's something about seeing Alex's expression fall that makes me feel guilty. Mainly cause I don't want him to feel bad because of me. "I just… don't want you to have to deal with my shit. You have your own to handle and it's probably a lot to go through even before you add in putting up with me. And Anastasia kinda made it seem like you have to deal with a lot more than I realized and I just really don't want to add to it. Cause god knows whatever the fuck you're going through is worse than-"

"Dash, it's okay," Alex says, stopping me from saying any more. He puts a hand on my shoulder and gives me a smile when I look up at him. He nods like he's confirming his statement. "I care about you a lot. If something's wrong, I'd like it if you tell me so I can help you."

I don't know what else to say so I nod. He sounds sincere and I really don't want to argue anymore. I just want to get through this crap ass situation and get the lights back on. Here's to hoping that everything works out perfectly and I can go back to a home with electricity.

* * *

 

While we're standing in line at Amity Park Electric, Alex shows me how to fill out a check cause I've completely forgotten. I'm kind of surprised I don't remember how to do this. I had to fill out a check in my junior year to officially pay my first payment for my own car insurance and I remember that day like it was yesterday.

Since I'd started working steady at Alex's, I didn't need mom or dad to cover it any more. It left more money in mom's account for when dad would pull shit like this.

The woman that calls on us is way too happy. She's energetic as fuck and normally that'd be a good thing. But I'm tired and she's so bubbly it's hard to take. She keeps smiling even after delivering the news that the power won't be turned back on until Friday or possibly Monday. Great, that's just my luck. I hope Alex doesn't change his mind cause I really don't want to go back to a dark home.

Alex leans on the counter and the woman meets his gaze instantly. I get the feeling she was more interested in him to begin with. Whatever, she probably recognizes how pathetic I am if I brought someone along with me to hold my hand.

"Can we speak to Kendra?" Alex asks, giving the woman behind the desk a wide smile that looks almost amused. It's hard to tell but I think he's attempting to flirt. _Seriously?_ He needs a lot of pointers if that's as good as he can do.

The woman flushes and quickly nods, looking pretty damn reluctant as she leaves the desk and disappears into the back. Alex lets out a soft breath and glances my way once. "She's the manager now. If anyone can get your power back on any faster, it's her."

I don't know what the manager can do in place of the first woman we talked to but I nod anyway, glancing around the building. If mom ever took me inside when we came here, I don't remember it. At least I'll know where to go the next time dad pulls this shit.

The person that comes back in place of Smiley has long brown hair and blue eyes that widen when she sees Alex. For a few seconds, they just stare at each other. And I feel like I could cut the tension with a fucking knife.

I guess the woman, Kendra I think Alex called her, realizes that she still has a job to do cause she recovers from her surprise pretty quickly, immediately moving behind the computer, her eyes fixated on the screen. "What can I help you with, sir?" she asks, looking up at him. She holds his gaze but there's a touch of wariness in the look. Like she's afraid at any moment he'll disappear.

Alex smiles again but this one isn't amused or in an attempt to flirt. It's sad and barely a smile and he looks more like he's trying to hold himself the fuck together. "Hey, Kendra," he says softly. He exhales like he can't hold the breath in anymore and the sound is loud in the silence. The rest of the place is buzzing with conversation and the sound of papers rustling but from where I'm standing, I almost think I've gone deaf.

Kendra breaks the silence, her expression softer than her tone. "What are you _doing_ here, Alex?" She rests the heels of her hands against the edge of the counter, looking somewhere between pissed off and really fucking hopeful.

"I'm here to help out a friend of mine," Alex says and Kendra's gaze turns to me. She only looks my way for maybe a second or two before she's looking at Alex again and I feel really awkward. Like I'm looking in on a private moment or overhearing a conversation I'm not meant to. Alex looks like he's warring with himself. Like he can't decide whether he's glad to be here or not.

"The lights were cut off at his place and I was hoping they could be turned on sooner than Friday," he says, giving Kendra what looks like a forced smile. I've never seen Alex like this before. Who the fuck is Kendra and what happened between them? More importantly… why have I never heard of her before? She seems really important to Alex.

She hesitates for a few seconds before exhaling softly, nodding. "I can change it to tomorrow but that's the earliest. Maintenance are already on their route for the day." Kendra tears her gaze away from Alex and taps onto the keyboard, a frown creasing her features as she types.

Alex is silent next to me and won't return the looks I shoot his way. Kendra continues to type on the keyboard and they both pretend like there isn't this huge fucking elephant between them. Maybe I'm not the only one that pretends my problems don't exist and maybe Alex has a hell of a lot more to deal with than I ever thought. All I know for sure is that I've never heard silence sound so fucking loud before.

* * *

 

We leave the building together after Kendra tells us she can't help us anymore. I've never paid this bill before but I'm pretty sure the people who work here don't treat everybody the way she did Alex. He looks lost in thought as we cross the parking lot to my Mitsubishi and I'm trying to come up with a way to bring up the questions asking about who the hell Kendra is when Alex speaks first.

"Listen, we need to drop off a check for your water bill and afterwards, we'll swing by your place so you can get some clothes and stuff for the night," he says as we come to a stop next to my car. His gaze is still focused downward but I don't think he's trying not to look at me. I'm pretty sure his mind is still on Kendra. Whoever the hell she is to Alex, she must be pretty damn important.

I open my door and the sound draws Alex's attention to me. "Okay," I tell him, getting into the car and easing back in the seat. I slam the door closed and it takes Alex a few seconds before he gets in after me, buckling his seatbelt before his gaze returns to staring out the window.

There's a probably a million questions I could ask him but he looks really lost in thought and I don't want to force him into a conversation right now. I'll ask later. I'll give him now because now he can get lost in his own mind and figure out the way he feels and process it all before he ever has to speak. Kwan doesn't always give me that but when he does, it makes the conversation afterwards that much easier. So speaking from experience, I'll give Alex now. But I'll grill the fuck out of him later.

* * *

 

I don't know where the water place is either but thankfully, Alex does. If I was more of an adult, I'd probably know where all of this shit is but I fucking suck at being responsible. At least the next time dad pulls this shit, I won't need anyone to hold my hand.

Other than the occasional directions, Alex stays quiet through the ride there and back. His silence leaves me with plenty of time to think and I can't keep my mind from wandering. I'm really interested in whoever this Kendra chick is but I'm not getting any information out of Alex right now. Which leaves me to think about everything else.

I wonder how things went for Kwan while I was at practice. He was acting really weird about skipping today… maybe he went to see Jared. I wonder if I can get Paulina on board with the idea of a double date. That'd be equal parts horrible and great. Horrible because there's a high chance it'd end up being really fucking awkward. At least I'd get to spend time with Kwan though, see his face light up like it does around Jared.

Paulina's not something I can really think about at the moment cause I still haven't figured out the way that I feel about her and all the shit between us. I don't know if it was ever her I missed but there's a part of me that's a little more at ease knowing that there's still a chance for us. The other part of me doesn't want to think about it cause this means I'm gonna be her boyfriend again. And last time, I really sucked at it.

I can't even start to think about my mom with Alex in the car because I'll end up seconds away from spilling my guts about the phone call and how I agreed instantly to meet her whenever she shows up. Alex would try to talk me out of it and I can't chance that. Even if she's only here for a few minutes, I have to hear what my mom wants to say to me. If it's important enough for her to come back to Amity Park, I have to hear it.

Not thinking about my mom and not thinking about Paulina leaves me with Danny. I really fucked things up with him. If I just hadn't pushed him so hard for answers, we'd probably be talking right now. I'd make some shitty joke about my face being bruised the way it is and Danny would somehow make me feel better about it.

But I messed things up and there's no way to fix it. God, I was getting used to him being around. I haven't let someone into this fucked up world of mine in so long and I almost wanted to with Danny. If it was gonna make him feel less alone, I was gonna tell him the truth. …Is it too late to fix this?

Alex is so lost in thought, he doesn't realize I've changed directions until I pull into the parking lot of the garage. He moves his stare from the window and blinks a few times before looking my way, a slight frown pulling at his features. "I thought we were going to get some of your things for the night."

I put the car into park and exhale softly, my hands dropping from the steering wheel. "Yeah, I will." Alex watches me as I run a hand through my hair. I can't stop thinking that things aren't completely fucked up with Danny. And I'm willing to act on it for once.

"I'll meet you at your place… there's something I gotta do first," I tell Alex, shrugging because I don't feel like smiling. There's a small seed of hope and I'm afraid if I try to force any kind of facial expression, something will convince me not to try to fix things.

Alex hesitates a few seconds before he unbuckles his seatbelt with a nod. "Alright. Text me when you're headed over?" he asks, waiting until I nod before he opens the door. He stands beside the door for a few seconds before leaning his head in again. "Don't go home to stay, I'll come find you if you're not on your way to me by ten, got it?"

He doesn't look convinced even after I nod but he eventually slams my car door and I only wait a few seconds before I rev the engine and pull out of the parking lot. I've only been to Danny's house once but I can figure out the way there. I have no fucking clue if this is gonna work but I have to try. An ordinary person would let someone have their distance and leave someone alone if it was asked of them. But I'm not an ordinary person and maybe this is the only time it's useful but I'm gonna do what I do in situations like this and wear Danny down. Come hell or high water, he's gonna talk to me tonight.

* * *

 

Danny's car is parked outside his house when I pull up. I don't bother calling or texting him – he'd probably just ignore it. I can't really blame him though. I was being a real ass about this whole thing when I brought it up.

I get out of my car and walk the short distance to his house, rapping my knuckles against the front door. After fifteen seconds of silence, I try the doorbell. Thankfully, that gets a response but it's not Danny who opens the door.

Jack Fenton is standing on the other side of the gray-blue door and the smile he gives me is hesitant at first. He's trying to place me again and I guess the bruising is throwing him off.

I give him a bright smile and slide my hands into my pockets. "Hey, Mr. Fenton."

This time, he realizes who I am without any kind of prompting. "Dash, right?" he asks, his smile growing as he opens the door wider. "Come in, come in. You want me to get Danny for you?"

I give him a forced smile only because I don't want him to know that I'm aware of how he treats his kid. I don't know want to make things worse for Danny so I'm not saying a word. "Yeah, actually, that'd be great," I tell him, stepping inside the house.

The door swings shut behind me and Danny's dad wanders further into the house, leaving me standing in the foyer. Now that I'm finally here, worry is starting to creep its way into my gut. Maybe Danny was telling the truth and those bruises I saw weren't from his parents. It doesn't make sense any other way but whatever. I'm not here for answers. I'm here to apologize and pretty much beg him to keep talking to me. It's so fucking pathetic but I was really getting used to him.

I'm not sure what I expected to happen but when Danny shows up, the look on his face kinda leaves me speechless. His expression is caught somewhere between surprised and really confused.

"Dash, what are you doing here?" His eyes widen when he meets my gaze and he casts a nervous glance around the foyer. "Y-You shouldn't be here." He folds his arms over his chest and I can't help but feel like he's trying to keep his walls up.

"I'm sorry," I say and continue before he can interrupt me. "I'm really sorry, alright? I should just stop fucking assuming shit and I know that. You just… you gotta know that I'm sorry, okay?"

Danny hesitates for a second before he exhales, his shoulders dropping with the movement. "It's fine." He glances over his shoulder before he nods to the door. "You should probably head out of here though."

I blink, almost unable to believe that this is fixed so easily. I didn't really expect Danny to give in that quickly. "S-So you like… you don't hate me anymore?" I ask.

Danny meets my gaze before rolling his eyes, stepping past me to tug open the door. "I never _hated_ you, Dash," he says, stepping out onto the porch. I quickly follow after him as he scuffs the toe of his shoe against the top step, his gaze away from me.

I pull the door closed behind us and join him near the top step. Dusk is falling and it seems darker here than anywhere else in town. Maybe it's cause this house is so far away from the rest of the town or maybe it's cause I'm picturing what might be happening behind closed doors but something feels dark about this house. "Does this mean we can talk again?" I ask, sliding my hands into my pockets. Danny pushes out a breath that doesn't sound like he's interested in that at all but I have to try. "I really am sorry."

Danny looks toward me with a snort. He shakes his head slowly, like he's giving himself the time to figure out what he wants to say. Or maybe he's giving me the chance to realize what an idiot I'm being. I guess he realizes that second part is never gonna happen.

"You're _sorry_ , Dash. That doesn't mean you've suddenly changed your mind and you've decided to believe me." He hesitates a second or two before he bounds down the stairs and jumps onto the grass. He rocks back on the balls of his feet like he's lost his balance but he quickly regains it, turning around to face me. He exhales heavily, shaking his head again. "No, this doesn't mean that we can talk again. You still believe what you want to and since I can't change your mind…"

I didn't come all this way to fuck it up again. Of course I don't believe him – the evidence is probably still on his chest. And I can't help but notice the way his eyes are taking in the bruises on my face. Like he wants to ask but he won't. Cause he doesn't push people the way that I do.

Danny takes a small step backward when I descend the staircase but it still leaves only a few inches of space between us. He doesn't move away from me and I take that as a good sign. If he was backing up, he'd probably be harder to convince.

"So tell me what it is then," I say, continuing when he scoffs. "Seriously. When I brought up all this shit on Sunday, you told me that you'd tell me what… those bruises are from but that I wouldn't believe you. I will, Danny. Whatever the hell happened, I'll believe you."

He hesitates a second or two before shaking his head again. "No. Just let it go, alright? It's really not that important and to be honest, how long was this friendship going to last anyway?" he asks, folding his arms over his chest as he tilts his head back to look at me. I've got a couple of inches on him and a pink flush slowly creeps across his face as he realizes it too.

"I don't know… but I really didn't see it ending like this," I tell him and his gaze leaves mine as he shakes his head again. He turns his stare out toward the road but I continue to watch him. "Cause I was just getting to know you and-"

"Dash, go home," Danny says, suddenly turning back to me. His eyes are wide and within a few seconds, his face is bathed in the bright light of somebody's headlights. I squint against the light and his tone becomes slightly more frantic. "D-Dash, just go!"

He pushes me toward my car and he follows after me as I stumble forward. "J-Just go, okay? W-We'll talk about all this shit later or something, I don't care." He tries to turn away but I grab him by the wrist. He looks like he's a few seconds away from having some kind of breakdown when I won't let go of him. "Dash, please!"

I can't leave him like this. Not while he's panicking because his mother's car just pulled into the driveway. The engine dies and Danny's voice rises several octaves.

"D-Dash, please just go! Please, just get out of here," he practically begs, pushing me toward my car again with one hand and trying to get his other one out of my grip. "C-Come on, let me go."

Tears are filling his eyes and I don't know why he's tried to lie to me before. He's clearly terrified. Cause of his parents. How the hell does he expect me to believe that they're not beating the shit out of him if they're able to cause this kind of reaction in their kid?

"Come with me," I say and his eyes widen as I tug him by the wrist. I'm not letting him go back inside right now. Not as long as the terror is still in his eyes. "Come on, just for a little while."

Danny spares a glance toward his mom's car just as she turns in our direction. I can't make out the expression on her face from this distance but Danny seems to know what she's thinking.

"N-No, Dash, please. My mom can't see you here, please just go," he says, making a half-hearted attempt to get me to leave again. But he should know by now that I'm pretty damn stubborn. And I'm not leaving him like this. He's shaking already and I know he's only seconds away from panicking. I saw it when I was here last time and I left against my better judgement. I'm not doing that again.

I tug him by the wrist again and he meets my gaze, one tear escaping his eye and rolling down his cheek. He looks torn between wanting to just get away from it all and wanting to keep me out of it. The latter's a lost cause. He couldn't push me out of this situation even if he begged me to go. I'm not leaving him to panic and cry alone. I can't stand the thought of him dealing with all of this fucked up shit by himself.

"Come with me," I say, surprising myself with the strength behind my words. He throws a final glance at his mom's car where she's opened the door before he surprises me too, by agreeing. And I can't help but feel some kind of triumph as he practically races to the other side of my car to get in.

His mom steps out of her car but Danny's already in mine when she calls out. He slams the door closed, looking a little guilt-stricken as he sinks down further in his seat. I want to ask him if he's okay or even just tell him that it's gonna be okay or whatever shit is supposed to help but Danny speaks before me, his eyes falling closed like the few words he utters are choking him on the way out.

"Please don't ask… j-just get us out of here."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, yo, yo! FINALLY there's some Danny angst! I know you guys were waiting for that for so long so drink it up. (angst is a good addition to any meal and provides plenty of protein. Caution: may result in torturing a young, impressionable quarterback and their yet-to-be adorable space nerd lover)
> 
> I bet you're all rejoicing at the fact that finally, Danny's back. (I was missing the little shit too so you're not alone.) I'd love to know your thoughts on this chapter, especially considering how angsty it's been.
> 
> Alex is such a precious guy, yeah? Unfortunately, no one gets out of this story without being subjected to my love for angst so… it's coming for him, too. Eventually. You just won't know when ;P
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from Heavy Soul by You Me At Six. I feel like it fits with Danny in this AU cause at first he seems so happy and carefree until you take a closer look. Dash definitely got a closer look at the beach and right now, huh?
> 
> I've been listening to You Me At Six's new album on Spotify and it's really fucking good? Like, I always associated the band with my angsty teenage years but their new stuff is killer? I really need to get my hands on this album cause I want to add this to my collection. (I'm a loser and I still collect CD's. I'm actually aiming for a record collection by the end of the year… I'm a nerd, okay?)
> 
> Speaking of Spotify! I've kind of moved away from 8tracks cause of how restrictive they've become on weekly listening if you're not a premium member. (Which is totally fair, their website and all. I can understand wanting to get paid.) Since then, I've had to find a new music place and Spotify seems to be winning out? I never thought I'd use it cause it always seemed like a place for the "hottest music of the week" or something but it's actually really cool? Anyway, I didn't come here to pitch Spotify at you lmao. The playlist for Stay is now available on Spotify and if you search my username: jaeger-soul it should come up for you. I'll leave the 8tracks playlist up but I won't be updating it, while on Spotify, I'll be adding a few of the songs mentioned in the fic/used as chapter titles in the next few weeks.
> 
> I don't know how following/friending works on Spotify but if there's an option to follow someone… feel free to do that thing? I don't know, I have a really broad music taste, maybe you'll find something you like there?
> 
> Like I said last week, there's going to be an anniversary piece and it'll be posted February 2nd – the day last year that I subjected the world to this story. I debated a while on what it should be about but I finally settled on something I think you're all gonna enjoy. So, keep your eyes out for that, it's angsty.
> 
> But yeah, what'd you guys think of this update? Did the return of Danny live up to your expectations? (The angst will continue on in the next chapter, don't worry lmao)
> 
> Thanks for reading this update and for all the continued support you've been showing this story. In three days, I'll have been writing this fic for a year. It'd be languishing on my hard-drive if it wasn't for your comments and encouraging messages so… thank you!


	35. Never Met Anyone Quite Like You Before

After the second call that comes through on Danny's phone, he turns the device off and chucks it into my glove box with an exaggerated sigh. He leans back in the passenger seat and I only look his way for a couple of seconds before I'm focused on the road again. I don't know where to take him but I haven't eaten since lunch and I don't know when the last time he had something was. And besides, everyone knows that problems are harder to face on an empty stomach.

Danny doesn't ask me where we're going, he just stares out the window as I continue to drive. I almost want to tell him to stop thinking but I know from experience that it's way easier said than done. When your mind's that fucked up, not thinking isn't an option anymore. Sleep or death has to take you before your mind stops running.

It doesn't feel right to put the radio on but I don't like the silence. It's deafening when I can hear every sniffle and sound he makes. God, I hate that he's upset because of his parents. And I hate the way that he's trying not to tremble. Like he doesn't want me to see the fact that he's afraid. _I get it, Danny. I get it, it's gonna be okay._

"I-I know that all things considered, it probably sounds like I'm lying but my parents aren't terrible people," Danny says softly and I can't understand why he's still trying to defend them. I saw the bruises already. And I've seen the way he reacts to his parents. Why continue to lie?

I switch lanes and turn left, letting the silence blanket us for a minute before I respond. "I don't know why you're trying to protect them… they don't deserve that from you." My hands tighten on the steering wheel and Danny turns to look at the gesture. I guess he's wondering if I'm starting to panic again cause he watches me. I'm nowhere close to panicking. I'm just really fucking pissed that his parents would do this shit to him. They've got him so wrecked in the head, he probably thinks it's his fault.

Danny rolls his eyes with a scoff, slouching down further in the seat. "You have no reason to believe me but… why would I lie about this shit?"

Why _wouldn't_ someone? I've been lying for twelve years about what goes on behind closed doors at my place, it only makes sense that Danny would too. We tend to hide the things that hurt us the most.

"Because it's easier that way," I say softly, continuing even after I hear Danny sigh. "Seriously. This way, no one knows what's going on so you can pretend that you're okay." _I get it, Fenton. More than you'll ever know._

Danny folds his arms over his chest before looking my way. "I don't feel that way at all, Dash. If my parents were doing anything to me, I'd tell someone. But there's nothing to tell. And even if there was and I _didn't_ tell someone, you can bet your ass that my sister would have by now." He shrugs when I glance his way and his stare slowly drifts out the window again. I don't know why he's still trying to bullshit but there's a sinking feeling in my gut that maybe he was telling the truth on Sunday. Maybe I fucked things up because I was so determined that his situation was like mine.

The silence that falls between us is uncomfortable and I can only imagine what Danny's thinking. I'm not sure how the hell it could be anything else but as much as all signs point toward his parents… what if it's not them? Then I've just been an ass and assumed that he was like me cause I'm that fucking desperate to have someone that relates.

"So, where are we going?" Danny asks, turning to give me a smile. It's laced with sadness but it still holds a touch of happiness and I don't know how he pulls it off. He may be bruised and he may be battling things that have left worse marks on his heart but he's still happy. He's not broken. I definitely can't relate.

* * *

 

We decide to stop for burgers but neither one of us want to stay inside the place and there's no one at the tables outside. We quickly claim one as our own and start eating. As I'm finishing off the last half of my fries, I catch Danny staring at me and I don't know if it's cause of the bruises or not but damn. Kinda makes me feel self-conscious.

"What?" I ask, cramming another fry into my mouth before I speak again. "Something on my face?" I make an exaggerated gesture of swiping a hand down my face to catch any ketchup or anything but Danny stops me with a laugh.

"No, there's nothing on your face." He aims his fry container toward the trash can and it sails in effortlessly. He looks back at me with a blank expression on his face. "Score," he says, a smile twisting his lips. He only holds my stare for a few seconds before turning away again. I don't know what to say but there's gotta be something. Some way I can convince him to tell me what's going on.

I down a few swallows of my drink before I gather my trash too. "I swear, if I don't buy fast food at least once a week, the bank is gonna think there's something wrong with me."

Danny snorts and we both leave the table together, ditching the last of our trash before we head to my car. I'm still crap with words but I feel like maybe I'm getting better. Cause it doesn't take me more than a couple of seconds to decide what to say once we've reached my car.

"Listen man, whatever's fucking with your head… just remember that it isn't your fault," I tell him, even putting in the effort of touching his shoulder. He starts at the contact and turns to look at me. I don't take my hand off of him but it doesn't seem to be bothering him.

The look on Danny's face gives me the impression that I'm being naïve about whatever's going on with him. Maybe I am but it's not his fault. He probably couldn't hurt a fly, much less get himself into a shitty situation like whatever he's dealing with.

"You really don't understand," Danny says, exhaling as he looks away from me. He keeps his gaze on my car and doesn't speak for several seconds. "I should head back."

_What, while he's still figuring everything out? No way._

"Alright, come on," I respond, brushing by him to get to the driver's side. Danny only hesitates a second or two before he tugs open the passenger door and collapses into the seat.

Danny fiddles with the radio dial when I turn the engine on. I don't recognize the song he stops on but he leans back in his seat and easily nods his head to it. I find myself watching him but I can't for too long. The way out of the parking lot is clear so I take it, probably going a little faster than I should but Danny doesn't say anything. I don't know if he's aware yet but he'll probably realize it pretty soon. I'm not taking him home just yet.

* * *

 

I take the familiar back roads I do whenever I'm on an angry drive and Danny doesn't question it at first. He flips through the radio stations a couple times but settles on a song I vaguely recognize as something mom used to play. Something about green eyes or maybe it's blue eyes… either way, it sticks in my head even after the song ends.

"Now you're just keeping me out of my house," Danny points out, a small smile pulling at his mouth when I glance in his direction. The smile widens a little before he exhales, uncrossing his arms. "I told you, my parents aren't the reason for the bruises you saw, Dash."

I haven't decided if I believe him or not. And I really shouldn't be wasting his night… but I have to make sure. I give him a shrug and turn down one of the shortcuts to an old movie theater downtown. Like I suspected, Danny questions it as soon as the building comes into view.

"What are we doing here?" He glances around the parking lot but there's no one here at this hour. I pull into a space and I open my door before I look back at Danny. He raises an eyebrow and glances around the area again. "Dash, what are you doing? I don't think this place is open."

I step out onto the pavement and give him a smile. "Come on." He stares at me like I've gone insane or something but I slam my door closed and start for the front door before he can say anything. There's complete silence behind me and though I falter once or twice, I don't stop going. And sure enough, Danny gets out of my car and slams the door closed, following after me in silence.

Clouds are gathering in the sky but the forecast didn't call for rain… at least, not as far as I saw earlier. Doesn't matter, I'm not planning on being outside for too long. Just as long as it takes to pick the lock on the front door.

My mom was friends with the woman who owns this theater and in the summers, she used to let my friends and I in for free. It's been years since I've stopped in here but they have an impressive collection of old movies and it's the perfect thing to take Danny's mind off all his shit.

"Okay… _what_ are you doing?" he asks, stopping next to me as I crouch down in front of the door handle. "Seriously, are you trying to get caught or something?"

I roll my eyes and glance up at him. "Sure, that's exactly what I'm trying to do." I fiddle with the lock for a few seconds before Danny comes to stand on my other side. "What? Do you know how to do it better?"

He snorts. "Course I do." Danny quickly pushes me out of the way and tells me to keep watch. I don't know why, this town is so dead that no one will see us or even think to look for two kids nosing around here.

It only takes Danny a few seconds to pick the lock and then we're inside the theater. Almost as soon as we step inside, the clouds break and the rain starts pouring. We both look toward the sudden noise but neither one of us mention it.

"So, why'd you drag me here?" Danny asks, starting further into the dim lobby. I spare another glance at the sky before I let the door close behind us, completely shutting out any light left in the gray sky. I hear Danny exhale and I follow after him in the darkness.

"This place has a bunch of old movies. _Good_ old movies," I stress. "My mom knew the owner so I came here a lot as a kid," I tell him, in hopes that he'll forget about the breaking and entering part of this, attempting to give him a smile in the darkness. "Come on, you can pick one out and I'll set it up to play on one of the screens."

Danny lets out a sigh. "Why do you care about showing me old movies?"

"Cause," I say softly, coming to a stop as I try to avoid running into him. I can't really see him in the darkness but I reach out for him anyway. "Something's fucking with your head. A-And I want to help you forget it for a while." I don't even care what I have to do to distract him… but this darkness reminds me of when we were at the beach. And he was too drunk to remember that we almost…

"And uh… h-how do you plan on making me forget?" Danny questions, his breath on my cheek again just as I touch his shoulder. He shivers a little at the touch and I can't imagine why I'm picturing the beach setting again but fuck… that'd definitely make him forget for a while. Fuck the movie, I could… distract him with a kiss…?

I feel like time moves slowly as I put my other hand on his shoulder and he exhales softly. We're leaning in toward each other and I only know because his breath is tangling up in mine and I feel like I'm only breathing in because he is. If he weren't drawing in any oxygen, I wouldn't remember how to. _Sh-Shit… a-am I really about to kiss him?_

"Wh-Whatever works," I mumble and we slowly lean toward each other. We're probably closer than I've ever been to kissing someone without actually kissing them and a tiny, minuscule part of myself wants this to happen. Not just to distract him. And not just to see what it'd feel like. I could have kissed Kwan at any point when he was questioning things, but I never have before. No… I want this from Danny. And I can't explain to myself _why_ I want it. I just do.

"D-Dash, I-I… wait, I-"

Light suddenly fills the lobby and we both turn toward the source. The door is flung open and someone's pointing a flashlight at us. I sort of recognize the build but the voice is what gets to me. Makes me realize who the hell is standing on the other side of that light.

"Hey! What are you two doing in here?" Brent Andrews, one of the deputies my dad works with, demands, stalking toward us. I glance at Danny again and we only have to lock gazes for a split second before we've decided.

"Run!" I tell him and then our feet are pounding against the carpet of the theater, the officer yelling at us to stop. But we don't stop and I don't remember the last time I've run this fast off the field. Danny's laughter echoes down the halls and soon the same sound is spilling from me. What are the odds an officer would stop by the theater to check things out the same time we pick the lock and sneak in? Gotta be like fucking astronomical timing or something.

* * *

 

Danny and I spend fifteen minutes hiding out on the floor of an empty theater room while the cop searches the building. Eventually, he gives up and we hear his car pull away.

For a minute or two, neither of us move. I don't know if he's thinking what I am but I don't want to leave yet and discover the cop waiting for us in the lobby. I'm sure that'd look great if the chief of police's son was caught breaking and entering somewhere.

"Unless your grand plan is to keep me here all night, we should probably head home." Danny gives me a smile that I barely catch but there's a tiny bit of light from one of the lighting strips lining the stairs. I return the smile and hope he can see it too.

"Alright, come on."

We slip out of the theater room as quietly as possible and just to be safe, we take one of the side exits instead. Thankfully, the police car really is gone so we're able to get back to mine easily.

"That was crazy," Danny comments with a laugh as I pull out of the parking lot. I aim a grin his way and he quickly returns it. It… definitely was crazy but not just cause of the cop showing up. More like what almost happened right before he did.

My mind was running in the dark and things between us could've majorly changed. I don't know what we'd be doing right now if we hadn't been interrupted but now that we're out in the car, I'm thinking a little more clearly. And I don't want to kiss Danny anymore. At least… I don't think I do?

I dig my phone out of my pocket cause it's vibrating like crazy. I only glance at the screen for a second before I hold it out to Danny, my other hand still on the steering wheel.

"Hey, would you tell me what Alex is saying?" I ask, already pretty sure it's just him checking up on me cause I haven't texted him in a few hours. "My passcode's-"

"Zero-one-zero-four, right?" Danny asks, rolling his eyes as a smile slowly tugs at his features. "I remember. I'm surprised no one's messed with your phone yet, that's like the easiest passcode in the world to guess." He laughs softly as he types it in and I don't want to bring up any kind of dark shit. I've had a lot of fun pretending I'm not as fucked up as I really am but… I don't feel like laughing this off.

"It's uh…" I clear my throat and start again when my voice dies on me. There's no point in stalling anyway, he'd figure it out soon enough. "That's the uh… the date my mom left."

Silence quickly becomes a passenger in the car and Danny's quiet, 'oh' is barely audible.

I don't want him to feel bad about it cause how the hell was he even supposed to know? So, I clear my throat again to disturb the quiet and gesture toward my phone, my eyes never leaving the road. "See what Alex wants, will you?'

"H-He's asking where you are," Danny mumbles quietly. "Then he uh… then he says, 'I swear if you're home I'm going to come get you." He glances up at me with a puzzled expression. "What's he talking about?"

I'm not really interested in dragging Danny down into the whole 'my dad didn't pay the power bill cause he wanted to leave for a couple days and watch me suffer' thing so I decide against mentioning it at all. There are a thousand reasons why I'd be staying with Alex and not at my place.

"Nothing, I'm just chilling with him for the night. We're supposed to rematch a game we played last time and I totally kicked his ass but he swears I was cheating." I give Danny a grin but he doesn't return it. The smile slips from my face pretty easily and I sigh, turning my gaze back to the road. _So much for honesty._

I hate that silence has kind of become our thing now. It's like this space that fills with everything we could but don't say. I hate being like this with Danny. I wasn't supposed to have to pretend with him but I can't drag him down into this shit. Or… maybe I can.

"Uh… b-basically, my dad's outta town for a couple days. And Alex was… Alex was worried about me alone at my place so he wants me to crash with him tonight. He's probably just trying to make sure I actually come to his place instead of ignoring him." It's the watered-down version but at least it's closer to the truth.

Danny's quiet next to me and I guess he's just processing it all or something. "Can you send a text back to him saying that I'm taking you home first?" I ask, sparing a glance at Danny only cause I want to make sure he will. The last thing I need to happen is have Alex panic and meet me at my place cause he's that worried. I wouldn't put it past him.

"Okay," Danny says softly and the sound of typing replaces the silence for a minute or two. When he's finished, the quiet returns as he places my phone on the console between us. Maybe silence really is our thing now and maybe that's not just a bad thing. Maybe our silences allow us to think and consider everything and they're only uncomfortable cause we want to tell each other the truth instead of careful lies. Maybe the next time I feel like being silent with Danny, I'll tell him more of the truth instead. Maybe next time, he'll do the same.

* * *

 

When I drop Danny off at his place, he comes around to the driver's side and leans against the door with a smile. "I had a really good time tonight," he tells me, pulling out a smile from me too.

"I did too," I tell him, angling myself in my seat to see him better. "Aside from the cop finding us essentially breaking and entering." _Even if a night in jail woulda been worth the smile on his face._

Danny laughs a little, quickly nodding. "Yeah, that was kind of a bummer."

There's a slight hesitation between the both of us and I wonder if he's thinking the same thing that I am. It was mostly a bummer cause the officer interrupted what would have probably been a great kiss. Or at least a great something. I don't know why the idea of kissing Danny is still pretty tempting but I can't do that. Not when I don't know how he would feel about it. I don't even know how _I_ would feel about it. I'm curious enough to try it but… god, I really don't want to fuck anything up between us. …it's weird to randomly kiss a friend, right?

"A-Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say thanks," Danny says, his smile widening. "You really know how to get me out of my head, Dash."

I give him a smile but it doesn't last for longer than a couple seconds and his shoulders drop when my expression does. "You never told me what those bruises were from…" I trail off, leaving the conversation open for him to decide.

Danny hesitates a second, rocking back on his heels as he considers his options. He glances toward his house and I wonder if he's checking for his parents. If they didn't do it… why the hell is he so skittish around them?

"Yeaaah, about that," he starts, shaking his head a little as he stops leaning back on his heels. "So, you're just gonna have to trust me on this. My parents aren't the reason for the bruises but they don't…" He runs a hand down his face. "Fuck."

He's starting to look and sound like me when I'm trying to come up with an excuse to explain away some of the damage my dad's done. I want to tell him that he doesn't have to lie but I don't want to push him away again.

"You probably don't believe me and I get it. This looks really suspicious to you with the way that I'm kind of… weird about my parents but I swear, they're not doing anything," Danny says in a rush, looking back toward his house again with a sigh. "They don't know anything about the bruises and honestly, it's better that way. You… have no idea what would happen if they knew about this."

I really want to believe him about his parents. But there's not another explanation, is there? I haven't seen him have any kind of trouble with anyone other than the cheerleaders, but that's mostly mockery. I don't think I've ever seen anyone lay a hand on him at school.

Danny shakes his head a little, letting out a soft breath as he finally looks toward me again. "It's probably gonna take a while for you to believe me and I guess… I guess I'll just have to wait it out or something cause…" he trails off, his gaze dropping from my face as a slight flush grows on his. "Um… c-cause I really like hanging out with you. A-And I don't want to stop talking because of this."

I really don't want to stop talking to him either. There's something about Danny… he's just a lot of fun to be around. I'm ready to repeat his sentiment back at him cause I really do like hanging out with him, but he stops me with a look.

"S-So, I'm willing to forget the fact that you don't really believe me about this b-but you have to promise you won't be constantly looking for things that aren't there. Like trying to catch my parents doing something awful, okay?" He presses his palms against the side of my car again, his smile slowly returning.

What am I supposed to do? Say no, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this and drive off? It doesn't matter. It really doesn't fucking matter anymore. If he doesn't want to tell me yet, he doesn't have to. And I'm sure as hell not gonna do anything that pushes him away again.

"A-Alright," I stutter, managing a smile of my own. The chill and bite in the nighttime air that comes with October has settled in for good but I don't think it's the only thing raising goosebumps on my arms. Danny's smile might be another reason I'm suddenly cold.

* * *

 

Alex is still up when I get to his place and something tells me he's trying to make it seem like he wasn't waiting up for me. It's not even eleven but I'm pretty sure that he's one of those early to bed, early to rise type of people.

"Hey," I say as I sling my overnight bag from my shoulder and make my way into the living room. He follows after me and I toss the bag onto the couch. I wander into the kitchen, quickly locating a glass and filling it halfway with water. I bring the glass up to my mouth but stop just short of touching my lips. "Sorry I took so long," I mumble before tipping the glass backward.

Alex folds his arms over his chest, leaning against the counter next to me as I drain the water. "I heard something on the news about a break-in at the theater downtown."

I almost choke on the water as he asks me if I know anything about the incident. I want to respond with something like, "Well since I was there…" but I don't know how Alex feels about minor illegal activities for fun. Even if it was _totally_ worth it.

"Uhh… why would I?" I question, darting a glance in his direction as I dry my face with the bottom of my shirt.

He hesitates for a second before he responds. "I thought I saw your car in the parking lot on my way home. But maybe it wasn't yours." He waves his hand like it doesn't matter either way. Thank god, I really don't want to have to admit to sneaking in for fun.

But damn, leave it to Alex to see my car the night I convince Fenton to break in somewhere with me. Though really, he didn't take much convincing. And he picked the lock in record timing, which was seriously impressive. Kinda seemed like he'd had practice before. …Wait. If Alex saw me on his way home, he hasn't been back at his apartment for very long. He closed up the garage before he left with me to tell me where to pay the power bill.

"Hey, Alex?" I ask, leaning away from the sink to look at him. He turns back to me, one eyebrow raised in silent question. "How long have you been home?"

He holds my gaze for a few seconds before shrugging. "I don't know, does it really matter?" he asks, pushing away from the counter. He wanders around the kitchen, opening and shutting cabinets and making various noises at the contents of each. "Did you already eat something?"

Is he really avoiding my questions? What the fuck is he trying to hide?

"Yeah… I got something earlier with Danny," I tell him, setting my glass on the counter so I can cross my arms. I watch him continue to open cabinets for another few seconds before I speak, gaining his attention again. "Did you?"

"Hm?" Alex glances over his shoulder at me before nodding. He doesn't seem like he's interested in giving up any kind of information but I'll wear him down. This is _Alex_ for christ's sake. I know how to get him to talk.

I move away from the counter, wandering back into the living room. "I'm sleeping on the couch, right?" I ask, already knowing the answer is yes. There's not room in his apartment for another bed aside from the air mattress he's dragged out for me in the past but I'm good with the couch tonight.

Alex opens and closes half of the cabinets again before following me into the living room. "Yeah. Unless you want the air mattress." He shrugs when I shake my head. He uncrosses his arms and starts out of the living room. "I'll get you some more blankets."

"Hang on, it's still early," I say, nodding toward the television. "Let's see what's on for a little while." I give him my best attempt at a smile and he hesitates before crossing over to the couch and sinking down on one end.

I join him after snatching the remote from the TV stand. The last thing playing on the television is some news report with an anchorman sporting an obvious toupee. Dude looks like he could use some serious plugs or something.

"You wanna see a game?" I ask, channel flipping in search of one anyway. The silence stretches between us and I've never seen Alex so lost in his own thoughts before. Sometimes he gets quiet and work seems to weigh on him pretty heavily but he's never been this distant.

He glances toward me after a few seconds, nodding. "Sure."

I don't know or care who's playing. I just stop channel flipping on the first football game. I think Alex can tell that this isn't about what's on TV or spending time with him. I think he can sense that I'm interested in figuring out about the elephant that's been between us since we left the power place. Maybe that's why I'm not surprised that he speaks before I find the balls to.

"Let me guess… you have questions about Kendra," Alex says, running a hand through his hair. He softly exhales, his gaze never leaving the television even when I turn to look at him.

I shrug but the gesture goes unnoticed. "Yeah, I do."

Alex exhales again but this one sounds weighted. Like there's so much he could tell me about her but at the same time, he can't. Maybe he buried it a long time ago, maybe he doesn't trust me. Or maybe it hurts so bad that it leaves him curled in a ball on his mattress, praying for morning to break so he can leave the quiet emptiness.

"I do too… haven't seen her in who knows how long and god. Her blonde highlights used to drive me crazy. She was all I could think about some days and the reason I was late to my jobs on more than one occasion." Alex leans his head back against the couch, staring up at the ceiling. "She was amazing, y'know? The first real girlfriend I had and…" he trails off but I know there's more. I've never heard Alex talk about anyone like this.

"So what happened?" I ask, trying to prompt the rest of the story out of him. From what I saw earlier today, it kinda felt like neither one of them really moved on. They looked at each other like they'd been drowning and the only oxygen left was one another.

Alex turns to look at me, one eyebrow quirked upward. "What about you? Why were you breaking into the theater tonight?"

Oh. Guess it's my turn to pretend to be interested in the ceiling. I can still feel his eyes on me but I guess giving a little information up to gain some in return isn't that awful.

"To distract Danny," I tell him, probably the only honest thing I can say about it. Yeah, I had fun sneaking in. And even though we were caught, I can't bring myself to regret it. Cause it _was_ for Danny. And remembering that smile on his face brings one to my own.

Alex shifts on the couch, lifting his head from the cushion to watch me. "He's the one I met at your game last Friday, right?" he asks, waiting until I nod before he continues. "You've… never mentioned him before these past few weeks."

Danny was never on my radar before. And honestly, I was fine with the idea of just seeing him when I needed help with my algebra homework. But he's more like a friend now and even if he doesn't want to let me in on his secrets yet, I'm willing to wait. I just want to be there when he decides that he's ready to let someone in.

I scratch at the back of my head, feeling Alex's eyes on me the entire time. "He's kind of a recent addition to my friends," I say, not sure why I'm being careful in my wording. It's not like Alex cares who I hang out with. The only one who really gives a shit about Danny is Paulina. Which… is probably gonna be a problem if we're seriously gonna try to date again.

"Do you always break and enter with your friends?" Alex asks. He raises an eyebrow when I glance back at him. I know my face is flushed cause I can feel the heat but the look on Alex's face just kinda confirms it for me.

I shrug but knowing he wants an actual answer, I let out a quiet breath. "N-No, not really." I don't want to say, 'Danny's special' cause not only is it true, it sounds weird. Like we're not just friends. And I don't like the way that my chest is starting to kind of be okay with the idea of not being just friends with Danny.

Alex starts to say something, probably ask another question, but I cut him off. "A-Anyway, it's not like we hurt anyone. We were just playing around and I was only trying to make him forget all the shit he was thinking about." It's the truth. As close as I can get to it anyway. "It was just to make him laugh, alright? I promise I'm not turning to a life of crime."

He rolls his eyes, leaning back against the couch with his arms crossed. "I know you're not." A smile tugs at one corner of his mouth as he shakes his head. "Just try not to get caught next time."

"Hey, I wasn't caught _this_ time," I argue, smiling before I've even finished defending myself. "And besides, I don't really plan on breaking in a second time."

The game isn't that interesting and I know we both have more questions for each other, but somehow we fall silent and neither one of us tries to break it. I think Alex wants to tell me the shit crowding up his mind but I'm not gonna push him for it. I just hope that by now, he knows I'm always here to listen. Not because of everything he's done for me and not because he cares. I'm here for him because I care a lot about him. Pretty sure I always will.

* * *

 

Alex gives me a set of blankets and a pillow before he goes to his room for the night. I'm restless as fuck so I end up pacing the kitchen while I down half a glass of water. I'm kind of glad Alex wouldn't let me go home tonight. Spending time in a dark house isn't exactly fun and I'm really fucking happy that I don't have to end tonight on a bummer.

Danny and I patched things up and this thing with Paulina is starting to feel like it's working out.

Paulina's always been that one constant thing in my life that I somehow always find my way back to. I've missed her like crazy and part of me is really happy that we're gonna try this again. But the other part of me is wondering if we're supposed to be together at all. With as many times as we've fucked things up… should we really be giving this another shot?

I collapse onto the couch with a groan. Alex's place seems warmer than my own and maybe it's cause I know I could turn the lights on if I wanted to. Or maybe it's cause I know there's someone down the hall instead of being by myself. Hell, maybe it's cause dad's never been here. Either way, it's starting to feel like the garage isn't my only safe space anymore.

My phone vibrates on the floor, the noise muffled a little by the carpet. I debate on whether or not I'm gonna check it before I remember that I don't have my alarm clock with me so I have to set my phone to wake me up. Ugh. That means I'll have to hear some crap ass tone first thing in the morning.

I lunge off the couch to grab my phone, settling back against the pillow with a groan before I look over the screen. I can't stop the grin from coming when I realize who's texting me. That should probably be some kind of sign or make me realize some shit but I don't focus on it, simply reading his words instead.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Hey, I hope you got to Alex's safely.** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**I really did have fun tonight, Dash. Thanks :)** _

God, what is it with him and emoji's? I don't think I really mind them though. Cause I can picture a smile on his face. See the way it creases the skin around his eyes, making them look like half-moons. I can hear his laughter in my mind like it's the only sound I've committed to memory. So, I don't mind those stupid emoji's from him. And I also don't mind getting him out of his head for a few hours.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Anytime** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sheer amount of angst I put these boys through should be illegal lmao
> 
> Yooo! Thanks for coming back to read this update. How's your week been? Had anything interesting happen? Or are you like me and a fanfic updating is like the highlight? (I'm a nerd and have been re-reading a favorite fanfiction I discovered last year and omfg. I can't even describe how much fun I'm having reading it again. I've caught things I missed the first time through which is so cool considering I thought I had this thing freaking memorized. I get so jazzed every time I get the chance to re-read a chapter or two – even just ONE scene is enough to get me hyped. Sometimes, I start wondering if that's how people feel reading my fic and it's really strange to think about?)
> 
> First and foremost. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASTRO! :D You're such a cool person and I really love that this fic got us talking. (even though we technically met on the blog) I literally can't imagine what my days would be like if I didn't know you and wasn't able to randomly text you about stupid shit or the latest torture I've put Dash through. Happy birthday, you nerd. :) (Go send astrophantompines sweet happy birthday messages on tumblr, they definitely deserve to have the best birthday ever!)
> 
> Yaaaaay, Danny's finally back! You guys excited to see where his angst is going? ;) I'm excited to tell it, honestly. I don't get to talk about this boy enough. I know this is Dash's story but like, Danny's such a precious angel and I want to protect him. (I mean, first I wanna mangle him a little bit. THEN I'll protect him.)
> 
> I've really enjoyed reading all of your speculations on why Danny's so awkward and scared around his parents. It's seriously been so much fun, I've been sending screenshots to friends of mine excitedly discussing what you've been saying so… keep it up if you want to?
> 
> Speaking of speculations. A couple of you messaged me after my hints about the anniversary piece I wrote and seeing as it's going up in 2 days, now's the perfect time to tell you all what it is. …You finally get Danny's POV! :D
> 
> The anniversary piece is the ending of chapter 27, where they return from the beach and Dash questions the bruises – told from Danny's eyes. If you've been curious about what Danny's been thinking, now you get the chance to see it. Gotta be honest with you, I'm ridiculously excited to release this piece and see your reactions. (Side note: It's called "We Could Be Stars" and will be posted as its own fic with an explanation that it's a companion piece to this fic in the summary.)
> 
> Back to this chapter though. A lot of you have come up with some really cool speculations on what was up with Alex and Kendra and those have been a lot of fun to read through too. I can't wait to see your thoughts now that there's a little more information about her. (Like I've said before, no one escapes this angst. …poor Alex. Even I feel bad for him ;p)
> 
> Ayyyy, what about that almost kiss, huh? …I'm such a tease. But Dash is finally starting to realize that hey, maybe he wants to kiss Danny. Unfortunately, he still isn't at the "that isn't exactly a straight thought" part yet, but it's coming. All in good timing my friends. (side note: a lot of you have been talking about how excited you are for when Dash realizes he's gay… just for clarification purposes, Dash is very much bisexual. I'm not upset at all by the fact that some of you see it as a gay vs straight thing for Dash. I'm just letting you know, he's bi as fuuuuuck in this)
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from 'Temptation' by New Order, it's the song that Danny played on the radio in this chapter as well. It's such a great song, tbh. And the opening about the grey eyes and green eyes and blue eyes… definitely gets stuck in your head. Give it a listen though, it's great and one of my favorites.
> 
> Anyway, I've rambled on enough, I'll let you guys get back to the rest of your Tuesday (or whatever day you're reading this). Thanks for checking out this update, I really love seeing what you all think of the latest torture I've put these characters through so please let me know what you think! See you all next week!


	36. Butterflies > Chokeholds

Somehow, probably by some miracle, I wake up before my alarm goes off. The sun is slowly rising in the sky and I can see it peeking in through the window in Alex's kitchen. It creates shadows in the living room and for a while, I just watch them. They look like nothing at first but when I squint my eyes I can see shapes start to emerge. But after a minute or two, they all start to look like nothing again so I give up.

Alex isn't out of his room and I don't want to wake him so I'm quiet as I leave the couch. I fold the blankets he gave me and leave them stacked on top of the pillow. I have nothing to write any kind of thank you on so I just decide to send him a text later. Only maybe at a regular hour instead of this ungodly five shit.

For the first few minutes of the drive away from Alex's apartment, I'm still waking up but as soon as I hit a red light, I pick my phone up from the console and flip through my contacts until I get to Kwan's name. He answers on the fourth ring and I can tell from the grogginess in his voice that I just woke him up.

"Good morning sleeping beauty," I say with a laugh and he responds with an unintelligible groan. I don't know what the hell was going on with him yesterday but I'm not letting him get stuck in his head today. "Get up and get dressed, I'm on my way to your place to join you on your morning run. And I might be persuaded to bring you some coffee afterward."

Kwan groans and I almost feel bad. Until I remember that he's woken me up a fuck ton of times before. He can deal with me doing it once in a while. Besides, if not for him, I wouldn't even be doing a morning run at all.

"I was planning on skipping it today," he mumbles and I can't stop the grin from stretching across my face. He's starting to sound like me and it's pretty laughable that we've reversed roles for the moment. I just hope that this is only a moment and whatever was fucking with him yesterday isn't anymore.

The light turns green and I start down the empty street, knowing that before the drive is up, I'll have convinced Kwan and made him think this is a good idea. There's a game tomorrow anyway, it's a good idea to get pumped up for it.

* * *

 

Kwan looks half dead when he opens the door and I bite back the smirk threatening to push through my pretty neutral expression. I manage to keep it to a smile instead of anything that looks smug. He should really be thankful that I'm not laughing at his morning bed-head.

"I thought you were joking when you called," Kwan mumbles, motioning for me to follow him back inside. I let the screen door shut behind us as he leads me into the kitchen and I see his backpack on the floor beside the table.

He mumbles something to himself as he lifts a cup from the table and takes a small sip. He seems to hesitate for a second before he looks up, meeting my stare with concern in his own. "You're not… normally up this early. Is… everything okay?"

So, I get my ass out of bed before my best friend for once in my life and that's cause for some kind of concern? Actually, I can see why it would be… that's kind of sad really.

I give him a grin that probably looks more forced than it is. "Yeah, I'm good. I spent the night at Alex's. Woke up before him and figured I'd go for a run." I shrug even though I should probably mention the fact that my lazy ass hasn't been for a morning run since the one that Kwan dragged me into.

Kwan looks down into his cup for a second or two before he sets it on the table again. "Come on," he mumbles and I follow after him into the living room. He pulls on his shoes and grabs his phone from the coffee table before we leave his house together.

"Mom'll probably insist you stay for breakfast," Kwan tells me as he pulls the door closed behind us. He pushes the screen door shut and hesitates a second before turning around to face me. "So, why'd you stay with Alex last night?"

We start down his driveway together and though I can feel the tension in my gut, I take a careful breath in and wait a second before I respond. "The power couldn't be turned on until today so Alex told me he wanted me to stay with him for the night."

Kwan nods and we're silent again, the only noise between us our footsteps. My best friend hesitates again and I can't remember him ever acting this way before. He's hesitant and careful and I have no idea who told him to be. Or maybe it's cause he doesn't know how to deal with me when I'm up early and not hating the world first thing.

"So you told Alex about the power being off?" he asks, the slight quirk of his eyebrow doesn't go unnoticed and I know he's surprised. I would be if I were him.

I scratch at the back of my head as we continue down the street together, walking rather than running, and let out a soft breath. "Y-Yeah, I uh… I didn't know where to pay the stupid thing so I asked Alex and he uh…" I trail off and even though there's no need to tell Kwan this part, I feel like I should. And part of me wants to anyway. "He uh... he asked me about my face. Wanted to know if it… if it was cause of my dad."

My chest feels tight when Kwan turns to look at me and I somehow manage to hold his gaze. He doesn't say anything so I continue like I wasn't waiting on him to speak. "I told him the truth cause it's pretty fucking obvious at this point, right?"

Kwan looks at me like I've grown a second head. I guess he remembers how long it's been since I've let someone else in. It's just hard to let that kind of pain out. It's still really hard, even with Kwan.

"I know," I say softly, smiling at him. I'm really fucking surprised I don't have to force it cause I feel fine. Or… not fine exactly. I don't know what I feel but I don't feel awful. I think I feel okay. "He already figured it out a while ago. I just finally confirmed it."

I don't blame Kwan for the disbelief painted across his face. When have I talked about my dad, admitted all this shit to someone, and smiled about it? I'm sure my best friend thinks I've had some kind of a breakdown or something. I can't blame him, it doesn't really sound like me.

"And you're… I mean, you're okay letting an adult in on this?" Kwan asks as we both pick up the speed of our walk again. Somewhere around, 'I told Alex' we started kinda shuffling forward instead of walking. At this rate, we'll probably never get up to a run today.

I give him a look and roll my eyes. "It's not like I told some kind of authority figure. It's _Alex_ , Kwan. He's not gonna tell anyone." Truth be told, it doesn't matter if he tells anyone or not. I'm moving out in a year. "And anyway, all we do is talk about this shit, I don't want to right now. How are… things with you? Like… since cutting practice?"

Kwan looks away from me, pushing out a breath. "Things are… okay," he mumbles softly and though we're supposed to be running now, neither one of us break the casual walk we have going.

Maybe I can't push Danny but Kwan's my best friend. "What is it?" I ask, waiting until he glances up at me before I continue. "Did Jared do something?"

He frowns, shaking his head as he keeps his stare focused on the pavement. "No, it's my parents. My dad, really, he's just… things are weird right now."

I bite the inside of my cheek as I try to think of how to respond. In my mind, his dad doesn't deserve the treasure that is my best friend. But if Kwan's trying to work things out with him, I'm not gonna stop him.

"Yeah? Weird how?" I ask, knowing that if I push too hard, Kwan won't retreat like Danny did. We're too good of friends for him to blank on me.

Kwan exhales again, shrugging in the silence. "I don't know… m-my parents want us to try to be a family again… but my dad's still not living with mom and I yet. They… want the three of us to start seeing a family therapist. Y-Yesterday was our first appointment."

Holy fuck. I kind of always pictured therapy as something that only people on soap operas and daytime dramas go to.

"So you have to like… talk about the shit between you guys?" I ask, feeling secondhand cringe for my best friend. I couldn't imagine telling a stranger about any of the shit that's gone on between dad and I… fuck, no wonder Kwan looked so weird yesterday.

"Yeah, kinda," Kwan responds. "I don't know. My dad thinks this is a waste of time but he's agreed to give it a shot s-so… I figure I should too."

I scratch the back of my head, taking in the street we're walking on. Every house we pass is a cookie cutter mold of the one before it, with immaculate grass and subtle lawn decorations. Life in suburbia is weird. All of the adults that move here try so hard to fit in with everybody else and half the time, their families are falling the fuck apart. Like Kwan's.

"Are you… happy with trying to fix things between you guys?" I ask, glancing in Kwan's direction.

He's quiet for a few seconds, lost somewhere in his mind, before he shrugs. "I don't know yet."

We fall silent again but neither one of us try to break it. There's not a lot left to say and for once, I'm okay with that. The silence lets us pick up our speed and soon we're running down the empty street, our breathing the only sound between us.

I don't stop my mind from wondering in the silence and I don't try to trick myself either. I know these next few days are gonna be fucking tough for the both of us but for now, I'm just trying to focus on this moment. Running side by side with my best friend, my heart hammering in my chest as I remember that right now and maybe through everything that's gonna happen in the future, the only thing I have to do is keep moving and breathe.

* * *

 

As promised, I bring Kwan a cup of coffee when I show up for the school day. I guess I understand why he's surprised at my mood. I mean… life's really shitty right now and normally, I'd be dragging myself to school. I can't explain why I don't feel like I normally do but for now, I'm just rolling with it.

The bigger surprise is when I actually manage to take some decent notes for myself in biology. On an ordinary day, everything Ms. Anderson says is like some kind of jumbled ancient language to me. But for once, it makes sense and I fill three pages with everything she's saying. I'm starting to think I could actually pass this class.

By the time lunch hour's here, my mood hasn't declined at all. I still feel like I could fucking sing or climb a mountain. It's amazing what understanding something does to my mood. I haven't gotten to algebra yet so my day could easily get really shitty. Then again… Danny and I both have a spare after lunch. Maybe I can convince him to help me out with a quick study session.

Most of the guys and some of the cheerleaders are already at our table and my teammates whistle when they see me coming. I roll my eyes as I near them and slap Jeff on the back. "What are you idiots up to now?" I glance around the table and Paulina smiles when she meets my gaze.

A few seconds of hesitation pass around the table before she stands, her eyes on me as we both fall into the natural order of things. We take the necessary steps toward each other and I press a soft kiss to her lips. It's not rough or demanding like I usually prefer it to be. But that's when we're fucking and if I kiss her like that right now, my dick's just gonna get confused.

"Hey," Paulina says, trailing her finger down my chest as she blinks her lashes. God, everything's just so fucking perfect right now. I lean forward and capture her lips again before I tug her away from the table to have her to myself for a few minutes. The guys are making kissy noises as we leave and I flip them the bird as I go.

Paulina laughs softly at my response and joins me in the lunch line, her arm curling around mine. I turn toward her a little when she rests her head on my shoulder and I can't help the smile that quirks up my mouth. I shift just far enough to kiss her forehead and she sighs at the movement.

"How's your day going?" I ask, interlacing our fingers together and taking a step forward as the line moves. I don't remember the last time Paulina and I were this touchy outside of the bedroom but I don't mind it. It's kind of nice.

She exhales again, shifting her head off my shoulder as she glances my way with a shrug. "It's been okay." Paulina only has to look at me for another few seconds before we're both smiling again. I don't know why I ever thought it'd be a terrible idea to get back together with her and I'm guessing that's how I always find myself back with her. Cause being apart is too damn hard.

Everything really is perfect today, except…

Paulina raises an eyebrow when I look away with a sigh that doesn't exactly sound contented like hers. She nudges my shoulder with hers when I don't offer an explanation. The line moves forward again before I speak and when I do, I look back at her.

"Listen… I uh…" I chew on the corner of my lip as I think of how to convince her. I don't know why the fuck it's always been a big deal to her but I really hope that it's something she can tell me or at least forgive for a little while. "I-I've been thinking."

Shit, I'm awful with words. I never know how to phrase what should be really easy to. And sometimes I think too long about the different ways the other person would take what I'm saying and by then it's too awkward to say anything into the silence and I end up staying quiet. There's a small part of me that thinks right now is a good time to stay quiet. But I kind of throw a blanket over that part of myself and pretend it's not there.

"S-So, you know how we… we're kinda starting over? Like… giving each other a second chance?" I ask, hating the way my voice shakes. Paulina squeezes my hand and nods so I let out a breath and keep going. "I was wondering… if maybe you could give someone else a second chance too…"

I can tell I've confused her from the expression on her face. I really didn't want to have to spell it out but I guess that's the only way to do this. I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do if she says no cause I can't ignore him.

"Someone like…?" Paulina prompts and I guess that small part of myself is peeking out from under the blanket cause I really want to stay quiet again. I don't want to have this conversation and I can already feel it ruining my good mood. But I'm not gonna let it stop me or change the way that I feel. It's been time for me to stop backing out of shit for a while now.

"Like Danny." I swear to fucking god, for a second or two, I lose hearing. I can't think with the look Paulina's giving me and when she pulls her hand from mine, I know the ending of this conversation. And I'll probably end up playing it on repeat tonight just to torture myself. But suddenly, my hearing is back and the cafeteria isn't silent like I thought was.

It is silent between us and it's awkward as fuck. I don't know what to say. I'm god fucking awful with words but I guess the silence is worse than badly phrased thoughts. "C-Cause I want to ask him to sit with us today but I'm not if you're gonna be giving him one of your death stares the entire time."

Paulina runs her hand through her hair before returning her palm to mine, squeezing once before she shrugs. "Okay." She smiles with the word, her lips curling up at the edges like she's happy. Fuck, maybe she is. Is this my lucky day or some shit?

"You… you're okay with this?" I ask, still not sure if I should believe it.

She rolls her eyes and nods before stepping out of line. I realize then that I'm at the front so I pay for the food and take the tray with me, falling into step with Paulina back to the table.

"Yes, I'm okay with it," she says with another shrug. "Kwan mentioned at the beach that you were having fun with him. And to be honest… I'm pretty sure I've seen you smile more often since you guys started hanging out."

I'm really not sure what to say but she doesn't leave our conversation in silence for long, immediately moving in to the rest of her thoughts on this whole thing. "And anyway," she waves her hand like it's nothing. "It was forever ago and if he really makes you happy, I'm sure we can give each other a fresh start."

Paulina gives me another smile before we're at our table and I'm still a little dazed. How… did that work out so well? What the hell did I say to make her think that she could just forgive and forget that easily?

I don't really have long to think on it because I can see Danny at the edge of the cafeteria, his gaze moving from his phone over to my table. A few seconds later, I feel my phone vibrate against my thigh, letting me know that Danny's texting first to feel out the situation.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Any chance you'll ditch your friends and have lunch with me in the library? :P** _

I really hope he doesn't instantly turn me down. I _could_ text back to see how he might react. That's probably the smarter move and it'd give him more time to think it over but…

"Yo, Danny!" I call out, watching him instead of anyone at the table. He ducks his head a little but he pockets his phone and starts heading our way. A couple of the cheerleaders are looking between me and Paulina but the guys are quickly paying attention to their food again. I only have to look over at Jeff once for him to scoot over.

Danny comes to an awkward stroll when he gets close enough to our table. "H-Hey," he stammers out, using one hand to fiddle with the strap of his backpack. I wonder if that's a nervous habit but now isn't exactly the time to ask him.

I pat the table where Jeff just vacated. "Have a seat," I tell him, giving him the best grin I've got. He still looks at me like I'm crazy but I keep smiling and eventually he gives in. He sinks down onto the bench next to me with a heavy exhale.

The rest of our table easily picks up whatever conversations they paused when our newest addition arrived and Danny sets his backpack on the ground. He glances around the lunchroom before focusing on me again. I offer him the same grin and he rolls his eyes, reaching a hand over my tray to snag the standard edition fruit cup that comes with every caf meal.

"To what do I owe the honor of sitting at the popular kids table?" Danny asks, peeling the plastic top off the cup. He raises an eyebrow as he licks the syrup residue off the plastic and I kind of forgot what the hell he just asked me.

"Uh…" I glance toward Paulina but she's talking with Star. For half a second, I think it's about Danny but I catch the last few words and it sounds more like some kind of cheer routine that I'll never understand. "I wanted you to."

Danny scoffs lightly, dropping his gaze back to the fruit cup. "And it's okay with… everyone here?" he asks, his voice so quiet I have to lean forward to catch what he's saying. He meets my stare and for a second, we just look at each other. It reminds me of last night and how today might've been if the deputy hadn't found us.

I lean away from him, shaking my head to clear my head of last night's events. "Y-Yeah, it's fine." I know he's probably asking about Paulina rather than anyone else and I still can't believe I convinced her so easily. For as long as she's hated him, it doesn't really make sense. But I guess things are just going well for me today? Shit, I really hope I didn't miss some kind of subtle hint Paulina threw my way.

"Y'know, if anyone's shaking, it should be the guy sitting at a table filled with strangers that might actually hate him," Danny whispers as he leans closer to me to snag the plastic spoon next to my tray.

Shit, am I shaking? It's been a while since I really noticed this. I'm pretty sure I was close to panicking when I met Alex at the garage last night but that didn't feel like this did. I wasn't in a room full of people and my breathing wasn't making me sound like I'm fucking dying.

Danny watches me as he slowly unwraps the plastic from the spoon. After a second or two, he moves one of his hands underneath the table and he closes his palm around my knee. I start a little at the sudden touch but I relax almost instantly.

"It's gonna be okay," he says softly and I'm afraid our entire table can hear us. While I'm chancing a look around at everyone, Danny squeezes my knee. "Whatever's bothering you, it'll be okay." He drops his gaze to the fruit cup and manages to scoop up an orange slice. I don't know why but Danny's touch is making me feel a little calmer. I don't even know why I'm panicking but I'm afraid everyone will be able to hear me.

A shaky breath leaves me and though Jeff glances toward me at the sound, his stare doesn't stay on me for long and he's easily drawn back into whatever conversation he's having with Keith. While Kwan's also in the conversation, his stare keeps drifting toward me so I do my best to not look at him. I can't panic in front of everyone.

I drop my hand onto my thigh and Danny instantly puts his hand over mine, squeezing gently in some kind of reassurance. I hate that it immediately makes me feel better and I hate that he can tell. And I _really_ hate that Kwan keeps looking over at me, trying to see if I'm okay. I don't think I am. Shit, today was going so well.

Danny interlaces his fingers with mine and tugs on my hand until I look at him. I can't imagine what I look like but considering my arm has started to tremble too, I'm guessing the answer is: not good.

"So, we both have spares after lunch. You want to study in the library?" he asks, opening his mouth to take in the orange slice. I know he's speaking loud enough so my friends won't really pay attention to us. No one cares about your shit unless you're whispering. Then suddenly they're all ears.

The breath I drag in sounds pretty strangled but Danny's hand is warm in mine and I guess that's keeping my focus on him rather than the panic swelling inside of me. I don't know why I feel the fear rising in my chest for no apparent reason but Danny's making this easier for me. Somehow, he always makes it easier.

"Y-Yeah, that sounds good," I mumble, already knowing that Danny won't care if I agree or not, he's just trying to keep me talking. I don't know why talking helps and I don't really care why. I'm just so fucking grateful that it does.

* * *

 

Paulina kisses me before our table breaks up to go our separate ways, most of them jealous that Danny and I are free for an hour. The only one that's not headed to class is Keith. He always has a double free period on Thursday's but I know that he uses that time to go see his sister. Which is why I'm not surprised when he turns down Danny's offer to join us in the library.

"So, you and Paulina… you guys are a thing again?" Danny asks me as we walk down the empty hall together, heading for the library. He slides his phone from his pocket but he puts it away again almost as quickly as he took it out.

I scratch at the back of my head and nod slowly when he glances toward me. "Yeeeah, we're getting there." I don't really want to get into the whole specifics of starting over and giving this a new beginning or whatever the fuck we're calling this. Besides, that shit should really stay between us.

"Cool," Danny says as we turn the corner toward the library. I don't think he actually thinks it's cool and I don't know why I feel like I should be defending Paulina.

I grab his arm and come to a stop, waiting for him to look at me again. He huffs out a sigh and finally meets my stare. "Look, she's… I-I know she hasn't exactly been the best person to you and I get that, okay? I'm not saying that things with her have always been easy and it's hard to explain but she's just… I mean, she's kind of-"

"You don't have to explain anything to me, okay?" Danny responds, tugging his arm from my hand. He glances around the empty hall before looking toward me again with a shrug. "I don't care who you're dating, I barely know her. I was just curious."

Silence grabs the both of us again and we wordlessly continue toward the library. Curiosity is one thing but… why'd he ask if he doesn't care? And why the fuck do I care that he doesn't? It's not like Paulina's exactly been the best person in the world to him but she's still been there for me with all the shit I've dealt with.

"Are you actually ready to study algebra?" Danny asks as we locate a table near the back. I've studied algebra on worse days than today has been so it doesn't matter either way. But some things are far more important than algebra. Actually… a lot of shit is more important than a school subject. Like death. Infinitely better and more appealing.

I sink down in the chair across from the one he's plopped down into and I drop my bag onto the floor. "Actually… can we talk about last night first?" It's probably stupid to try to get any kind of answers out of him the day after we started talking again but I'm an idiot. And besides, it should be fine as long as I don't pull the ass-hattery I did on Sunday.

Danny exhales softly and scoots his backpack off the table and into the chair next to him. His gaze sweeps around the library before he looks back at me with a shrug. "Sure. But I don't have to answer whatever questions you have just cause you're curious."

"Fair enough," I respond, leaning back in my chair. He raises an eyebrow but I take a second before I speak. I didn't expect him to agree so quickly and I'm not the greatest at saying shit. "So… we've decided that it's not your parents, right?"

He gives me a look before rolling his eyes with a snort. "Yes, Dash. I've told you multiple times that it has nothing to do with my parents. Even though you don't believe me," he mutters the last part but he glances up when I scoff.

"Well if there was another believable option, you'd probably be able to convince me," I say as I cross my arms over my chest and return the stare he's giving me. For a few seconds, neither of us speak or look away but he's the one to break the silence.

"Why are you so fixated on my parents?" he asks, raising an eyebrow at whatever expression is on my face. I can't help it. The way he acts is similar to me and he's terrified of his parents. We both tremble and shake when we're afraid and judging from the way he reacted on Sunday, I'm pretty sure he's never told anyone about whatever the hell is causing the bruises on him.

I respond with a shrug at first cause I don't know how the hell to put my thoughts into words. But before the silence can get awkward, I decide that a shitty attempt is better than no attempt at all.

"Cause. You're terrified of your parents and don't try to say you're not cause I was there last night and I _saw_ how scared you were," I tell him. I only hesitate for a second or two before I uncross my arms and lean closer to him, resting my forearms on the table. "I told you before that I don't care, you can trust me, I-"

Danny grabs his backpack from the chair next to him. "Considering you've recited your monologue about trusting you three times now, I think I'll catch up on my homework while you launch into it again." He unzips his backpack and digs out a notebook and pencil before he drops the backpack into the chair again. He flips to a blank page and immediately starts writing. I don't know what he's working on and while my preferred reaction is to keep explaining that I get it and I want to help, I'm pretty sure this is a less than subtle sign that I'm getting close to being an asshole again.

I pick up my own backpack and find my history notes. There's always some kind of a quiz on Thursday's and even though I'm pretty decent at the subject, it doesn't hurt to look over it again. Besides, I don't think Danny's gonna be talking to me for a while.

When I chance a look up at him, he's watching me and I can't explain or understand the fucking butterflies in my stomach. It's _just_ Danny. Why does that make me nervous? Is this regular nervousness or some kind of leftover shit from the anxiety? If that's even what it is.

"You've quit shaking," Danny says, giving me a smile that only renews the butterflies. Fuck it, maybe I don't understand why I feel like this but I'll take a thousand butterflies over whatever the fuck was clawing at my insides back in the cafeteria. This feeling is more like breathing through a snorkel and what I had earlier was more like I was fucking suffocating. When it comes to this shit, I'm pretty sure that butterflies are better than chokeholds.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These poor angsty boys
> 
> Yo! Thanks for coming back for another week. I've loved reading your comments from this past week, you guys are the best.
> 
> Oh and thanks for your feedback on the anniversary piece from Danny's POV, it was awesome seeing your reactions there so thanks for that! :)
> 
> Danny's quite the adorable little shit isn't he? I love writing about him honestly, he's so much fun to explore. Not that the lovable, abused quarterback isn't. He's also majorly fun to write about. (And did I mention fun to torture too? ;p)
> 
> Not a lot of "plot" to this update, it's more introspective and foreshadowing for later chapters. I know you're all looking forward to the action and the angst... trust me, it's coming.
> 
> What do you think of Kwan going to see a family therapist? Paulina being cool about Danny sitting at their lunch table? Dash actually being in a good mood? I'd love to know your thoughts on and everything that happened in this week's chapter.
> 
> Thanks again for reading! I hope you all have an awesome week!


	37. I Think I Lost Myself The Day You Left

I've learned that a really good day only happens if it's gonna be immediately followed by a really shitty one. Game days are normally supposed to be one of the better days but apparently, some force in the universe really hates people named Dash today.

Really, this shit started last night. I was working late and drove around for a while to get my mind off of… everything. I ended up getting home around eleven and I was too exhausted to care about anything so I just crawled into bed and tried to sleep. Tried being the operative word. I laid awake for three fucking hours before I drifted off. By then, I only had a chance at getting a little over two hours of sleep and there's nothing worse than going to school after a shitty night of sleep.

This morning, I was met with more shit. Because dad didn't pay the power, everything in the fridge spoiled. And cause I came crawling home late last night, I didn't know about the spoiled food until this morning. So it had plenty of time to make almost the entire downstairs area smell like shit. I was late getting to school cause I had to clean out the damn fridge. Not even the condiments made it cause I didn't want to take any chances on leaving anything in there to continue smelling like death.

And, cause I was late getting to school, Ms. Anderson was finally able to chew me out like I'm sure she's been waiting for since she started teaching here. I swear, new teachers lie in fucking wait to pounce and lecture us about the importance of time. I'll bet they purposely choose a day when we're not only running late but we're barely awake cause we didn't have a chance to grab coffee on the way.

So, I practically slept through all my morning classes and my history teacher yelled at me for wasting his time and I came really fucking close to just walking out of his stupid, shitty class. Somehow, I managed to keep my ass in the chair only cause if you skip a class, you're not allowed to participate in any kind of extra-curricular activities for the day. Which means I'd be benched for the game. I really need the distraction of the game tonight cause today's been fucking awful.

Danny sits with us again at lunch and though I make small talk with everyone there and occasionally smile at whatever Paulina says, I'm pretty sure Danny's not the only one that picks up on the fact that I'm distant today. I can't help it, my mind's a million miles away from the flag football idea I suggested on Monday. Kwan's dragged the guys into it and everyone's pretty excited but I can't really care right now. I've got a lot more shit on my mind than just high school today.

Speaking of Kwan, he's glued to his phone like it's some kind of life preserver and I guess Jared's texting him or something cause he grins roughly every twenty three seconds. I don't know why I counted the seconds between each change of my best friend's facial expression but it did keep me out of being dragged into a conversation.

As soon as I force down enough food to call it lunch, I leave to get coffee. I feel bad about leaving Danny with my friends cause he doesn't really know them. And yeah, this is probably a good time for them to get to know him but I can't really justify it.

I give a groan before starting back toward the table but I stop when I realize that they're actually talking to Danny. He's smiling as Keith leans his elbow on the table, gesturing with one hand as he talks. I hesitate another few seconds before I decide that if I don't get some kind of caffeine now, I'll fall asleep in my next class and that's algebra. There's really no safe way for me to risk that.

On my way to my car, I slide my phone out of my pocket and tap out a message to Danny. At least this way I don't have to talk and he can pretend that my text has something to do with some shit he needs to take care of if he wants to leave.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Sorry to ditch you with my friends** _

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**You okay?** _

As I get into my car, I almost wish I had invited Danny to come along. Then again, I can be really fucking grouchy when I don't sleep well so maybe it's a good thing that I didn't ask him to ride with me. I'm really not interested in scaring him off after I just convinced him to start talking to me again.

My phone vibrates and I toss it onto my passenger seat for a second while I start my car. Once the air's going, I lean back in my seat and snag my phone again just as it vibrates for a second time, reminding me that Danny's also a repeat texter.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**I'm supposed to ask you that ;P** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**I'm good but are you? You were acting kind of strange to be honest** _

There's really no way for me to sum up everything that's happened so far and I don't have the mental energy to attempt to anyway. I tap out the first thing that comes to me and I pull out of the parking space, letting my phone drop onto the passenger seat.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Yeah, I'm fine. Just been a really shitty day** _

It's not a lie, today's been fucking horrible. But whatever, there's plenty more day left to suck and screw me over. And I still gotta get through the game. But that shit's to deal with later. For now, I need caffeine.

* * *

 

By the time my teammates and I are packed into the locker room before the game, my day's only gotten worse. I was late getting to Lancer's class cause the coffee I drank during algebra made me need to marathon piss as soon as the class let out. And Lancer acted like being late was the worst thing in the world. Like Jesus Christ dude, is it really that important?

My car didn't want to start in the parking lot and Keith had to give me a jump just so I could get to the garage to replace the damn battery. Alex wasn't working and Anastasia was busy so I just changed it myself. Managed to somehow cut the shit out of the back of my hand and burn my index finger and I still have no idea how.

Took me nearly twice as long to get back to the school cause apparently everyone in this goddamn town was on the roads. I ended up having to take a back entrance into the school just to make it there in time to get dressed and listen to coach's attempt at inspiring us.

My teammates all get really pumped up for the game after everything coach says but the pep talk only really serves to exhaust me even more. Didn't realize that was possible but apparently, I'm closer to falling asleep than I am to playing a football game.

None of the guys really pay me any attention until Blake starts acting obnoxious and jumping around and I don't even acknowledge him. He's jumping right in front of me and being really annoying and I barely look up from staring down at my phone. I don't know why but I find myself scrolling back through Danny's messages and I'm stuck on the one he sent me after I opened mom's letter.

I still remember the way I felt almost instantly better just from reading his text message and even now, it's starting to put me at ease. Maybe this game won't suck completely. It'll at least give me a chance to stop thinking for a little while.

"Yo, Baxter. Your girl send you nudes or something?" Jeff asks, giving me a shit eating grin when I look at him. He puts his gym bag into his locker and spins the combination before leaning back against it as he crosses his arms. "You've been staring at your phone like it holds the secrets of the universe." He rolls his tongue over his canines with a grin. "Or a hot girl's pics."

I roll my eyes, clicking my screen off before I put my phone into my locker. "You wish, you horndog." I close my locker door before leaning back on the bench to look Jeff's way again. "You're just asking cause you're still trying to live vicariously through me."

Jeff snorts, pushing off his locker. "Please. Girls are always on me. They all want more of the J-man, can't get enough of me." He does an overdramatic flexing motion and despite the fact that my day's been complete shit, I laugh. Really fucking hard. Jeff can be an idiot most of the time but he makes me ache from laughter sometimes.

"Welcome back to the land of the living," Keith says, smiling softly when I glance toward him. He shuts his locker door before sinking down onto the bench next to me. He looks around at our teammates but aside from Jeff and Kwan, the others aren't really paying us attention. Keith drops his voice anyway. "You've kinda been acting out of it all day."

I didn't realize so many of my teammates would pick up on this shit. I guess they're not used to this level of drama from me. "Yeah, I know. My day's been shit, man. Nothing's gone right for me, I swear."

Keith gives me a patient smile and nods and it's pretty much that moment that I realize what a dick I am. Shit, he… deals with a hell of a lot more than I do. And I'm bitching again cause my day hasn't been easy? God, why am I such an idiot? Keith probably counts the day as a success if his sister makes it through another twenty-four hours.

"S-Sorry man," I mumble before I think it through. I can't even look at him as soon as the apology leaves me. Jesus Christ, why am I such an asshole? My teammates have so much going on in their life and I spend ninety percent of their time bitching. Even when we're at parties, I find some way to kill the mood.

"For what?" Keith asks, giving me a funny look. Like he doesn't understand why I'm apologizing and hell, maybe he doesn't. Maybe people don't immediately hate me for wasting more of their time with my bullshit.

I shrug, shifting a little on the bench to face him better. "C-Cause. I'm always bitching, man, you know me. A-And it's not like your life's easy either, probably a hell of a lot worse actually." I want to add a lot of shit about his sister or the fact that my worst day is still better than his best day but I don't. The words stick somewhere around the back of my throat and I can't get my tongue to say anything else.

Keith sighs, hesitating a second before he leans over to squeeze my shoulder. "Don't think like that, Dash. I don't like playing the comparison game." He smiles when I manage to look his way again and for some reason, it feels sincere. "Seriously, we all go through our own things."

I don't feel like stepping all over his nice words so I don't respond. Even though my world is probably much easier than his and I bitch too often and I should really learn how to fucking deal by now. I don't say what I'm feeling and I think I even attempt a smile. None of my teammates deserve the shit they have to put up with from me but tonight, I can't help it. Everything feels fucked up and I doubt I'm gonna feel better any time soon. I wish I could think positively or some shit but pessimism is the only home I know.

* * *

 

The Ravens are once again victorious and by the time the final buzzer sounds, we've pretty much mopped the field with the visiting team. My teammates and I carry Kwan around on our shoulders while we cheer about him scoring the final goal. It didn't really matter if he'd made that shot or not, we would have won either way. But still, having those extra six points to rub in the opposing team's face is nice.

Coach is cheering along with all of us and after a few minutes, we set Kwan on the ground so we can all high five each other and slap Coach on the back as we pass by him. The crowd pours out of the stands and onto the field and the cheerleaders are quickly by our sides. I catch Jeff swinging Star around and planting a kiss on her cheek while a grin spreads across his face. She steals a glance around at the crowd before pressing a kiss to his lips.

"Hey you," Paulina says as she slides her arms around my waist. She grins up at me before standing on her tip-toes to kiss me. I give her a smile in response and pull her against me for another kiss.

She smiles up at me when we part and presses her lips to my cheek. "You were so good out there, Dash," she whispers, her lips touching my earlobe. The sensation causes me to shiver and she laughs softly, her breath hitting my ear.

"Yeah, well you looked pretty good out there too," I tell her, flicking my gaze down her body with a smirk. She swats my shoulder but there's no strength behind the movement. And she's giving me this seductive smile while she does it.

Paulina stands on her tip-toes again to whisper into my ear, giving me shivers with her promise. "Maybe I should wear this outfit more often then." I turn my head just far enough to capture her lips with mine and she drags her fingers through my hair.

When we part again, she makes a face and exhales. "I've gotta get going, my dad's been really insistent that I get home earlier on game nights." She rolls her eyes but gives me another kiss before she leaves, disappearing into the crowd.

"I thought the quarterback was supposed to get the last shot," someone says from behind me and I instantly turn toward the voice. Danny's standing just a few inches behind me, grinning like he made the world's best joke or something.

I give an exaggerated roll of my eyes before chucking my helmet onto the grass. "Yeah, yeah. You're just jealous cause you wouldn't last a second out here. You'd be creamed as soon as the other team set foot on the field."

Danny snorts, folding his arms over his chest as he fixes me with a look. "Whatever, you're just assuming stuff again." For half a second, he just holds my gaze before he abruptly sticks his tongue out. It's completely childish and the gesture makes me laugh even though it probably shouldn't.

He instantly relaxes once I've laughed and the grin stays on his face as he glances out toward the crowd. "You played well though, honestly. I'm not just saying that either, you really were impressive out there." Danny looks toward me again with a small smile in place of the grin.

I'm not sure exactly how to take the compliment but I do my best to respond with a smile. "Thanks. I probably coulda slept till half-time. Livermore really didn't bring their A-game tonight."

Danny laughs and starts to say something but the crowd's pressing in on us, everyone trying to hug their friends and congratulate my teammates. I can see how uncomfortable Danny's getting being surrounded by a bunch of people so I grab his arm with one hand and my helmet with the other, leading him away from everybody.

"You okay?" I ask once we're far enough away from the crowd.

He glances back toward everyone still loudly cheering and runs a hand through his hair before focusing on me again. "Yeah," he mumbles, a small groan leaving him as I tug him closer toward the bleachers. "Dash, I'm fine."

"I know," I respond, grinning as I pull him down onto the bleachers next to me. "Humor me, my legs are tired." Danny scoffs quietly but sits with me, watching everyone milling about on the field. The noise level is still pretty loud but Danny slowly relaxes next to me.

The crowd is starting to break up when Danny turns toward me with a small smile. "So, you wanna get a burger or something?" he asks, the smile making his eyes almost sparkle. I was right. Happy looks so fucking good on him.

"Sure, sounds like a plan," I tell him, grinning as I stand from the bleachers. "Let me get a shower in first and I'll meet you here." I toss my helmet toward him and he instantly catches it, looking up at me in question. I grin again. "Keep that safe for me, will you?"

Danny hesitates a second before nodding, his smile returning. "Yeah, sure. I'll keep it for you."

The guys are on the field when I leave Danny and most of them are still hanging around when I'm heading out of the locker room after a record timing shower. I'm almost to the end of the bleachers when I hear someone call out to me. I don't know why but I expect Danny to be the one standing there. Or one of my teammates. Or hell, even Coach. But no. That's not who's staring at me when I turn around.

My breath sticks in my throat when I see this woman standing there. Her hair's shorter now and maybe she changed the color. She looks thinner somehow, like she shed almost all her weight the day she left. She looks so different but it's her and she's here. Back in Amity Park. After _so_ fucking long, mom's here. I make some kind of strangled noise and a soft smile lights up her face. I can't speak, I can't think of a single thing to say to her. Everything in my brain is overloading and no words are making it to my tongue.

"Hey baby," she says and I think those two words break me. It snaps my reality back into focus and I can breathe again. I suck in a splintered drag of oxygen and she takes a step closer to me, placing her hand on my cheek. "Shh, it's okay." She takes in the lingering bruises dad left but she doesn't say anything. I don't think there's anything for her to say anyway. We both know what these marks are from and she just sadly shakes her head as she surveys them.

Mom glances around the field before her eyes are looking into mine. "Do you remember where you parked your car?" she asks and I nod, sparing a glance toward the lot. "Come on, let's go. We can't talk here."

Her hand leaves my cheek and I'm instantly following after her, walking behind the bleachers when she does. Everything in my head is so jumbled up and we're walking across the parking lot before I remember Danny.

I turn back toward the field and mom stops beside me. She tugs at my arm again, tilting her head to one side when I look at her. "Come on, baby. We've gotta go now, okay?" She tugs my arm again before continuing into the parking lot. I hesitate for a split second before I'm following again.

We get into my car together and I slide my phone from my pocket before I start the engine. "J-Just gimme a second," I mumble, staring down at the screen like it's gonna help me figure out how to navigate everything with mom.

My hands shake as I tap out a message to Danny and it takes me longer to type than it normally would. But given the circumstances, I'm surprised I'm able to sound at least semi normal. At least, I hope I sound normal.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Something's come up. Raincheck?** _

I drop my phone onto the center console before I look toward mom, nowhere close to ready for whatever conversation we're gonna have. "S-So, where to?" I have no idea where we're supposed to go to talk but I'm guessing home isn't really an option. Even if I were to tell her that dad hasn't been back for days, I doubt she'd want to return there.

Mom leans back in the seat and turns her gaze out the window with a sigh. "Just drive, Dash. I'll tell you when to stop."

There's really nothing left for me to ask so I pull out of the space and though my hands shake, I manage to drive out of the parking lot and away from the school. Almost no one is on the road and though I keep my foot on the gas pedal, no amount of fuel could bridge the miles of silence in the car.

* * *

 

Mom gives me a few directions until we're out of Amity Park and then it's a long stretch of road before she's directing me to this cheap motel on the edge of Dryden. She unbuckles her seat belt as soon as I've parked and digs a key out of her pocket.

"We'll talk inside," she says, getting out of my car before I have time to argue. I don't think I would have even if she'd given me the chance. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that she's actually here and this isn't some kind of dream.

I get out of my car and follow her up to the motel. She twists the key into the lock and steps back to let me in first. She flips the light switch on as soon as I step inside and the room is suddenly lit up as she shuts the door behind us. A single bed is centered in the room with a nightstand on either side. There's a television across from the bed and I'm guessing the other door in the room leads to a bathroom.

"Dash," mom says softly and a sigh is dragged from me as her hand touches my shoulder. I'm not sure I'm ready to look at her just yet but her touch is insistent and I turn around, meeting her gaze instantly. For a few seconds, we just stare at each other and I really wish words came easily to me. If they did, I could think of a thousand things to say and this silence wouldn't be looming over us.

Mom tilts her head to one side and offers up a smile that looks so fucking sincere, I can feel my anger at this shitty situation completely dissolve. I can't hate her for getting out. For leaving Amity Park in her dust and getting as far away from dad as she possibly can. I want to hate her for leaving me behind but I just can't anymore.

"M-Mom," I whisper, my voice cracking as soon as my eyes fall closed. She tugs me into her arms and god, it's like everything falls into place. It feels right to be hugging her again. To hear her whisper my name as she pulls me closer.

For a few moments, we just hang on to each other and I try to understand it all. I know why she left but… I still don't understand why I couldn't come with her. Is it just cause I look like dad? Or is it because I'm me and she knew she couldn't take someone like me with her?

When mom pulls away from me, she leads me to the bed and I sink down next to her. She leans back against the headboard, smiling at me as she does. "I've missed you so much, baby." Mom shakes her head, still staring at me like she can't believe I'm here. The feeling's mutual.

I let out a shaky breath and drop my gaze to the bedspread beneath us. I had so many questions when she called me and I don't know how to voice any of them now that she's here. There were so many things that seemed so important and I don't know if any of it ever was. It sure as hell doesn't feel important right now.

"What are you thinking?" mom asks. I can't lie to her. After all this time that she's been away and all the anger I should feel toward her for leaving me there alone, I can't lie to her. I just want her to be my mom again.

I kick my shoes off before I crawl up onto the bed further and join mom at the headboard. I exhale softly before leaning my head back, staring up at the ceiling. "I don't know… I-I'm thinking a lot of things." It's the truth. I can't really pick anything that's circling my head or one reoccurring thought. It's all just a jumbled mess right now.

Mom leans her head against my shoulder and it feels like this should be simpler than it actually is. She's here and there are so many things I should be talking to her about. So many questions that I need to have answered. But I'm still awful with words and mom doesn't press me for anything. The silence really isn't uncomfortable and I think we both know that it should be. Maybe we're used to quiet because dad is our loud. Maybe we're quiet to make room and maybe we're just quiet cause I'm not the only one that's horrible with words.

* * *

 

I don't know how long I've been sleeping but apparently I dozed off at some point. Mom's gently trying to wake me up and I blink an eye open to look at her. She offers up a smile before exhaling softly.

"You should probably head home," she says, shaking her head a little. "I don't want him to ask you where you've been. I really don't want you to have to deal with that tonight." I hate to burst her bubble but since she's been gone, I don't have anyone waiting up on me.

I stretch my arms over my head with a groan and focus my gaze on the ceiling again. "Actually… he hasn't been home in a few days," I tell her, feeling like I can speak a little more freely with mom than with anyone else. She's the one person in the world that I don't have to explain anything to when it comes to dad.

Mom groans and when I glance toward her, she's looking at the bruises on my face again. I don't know how to tell her I'm okay when I'm clearly not so I don't say anything. We just hold each other's gaze for a few minutes before she reaches out to touch me.

She hesitates for a second but when I don't flinch or move away, she gently rests her fingertips against my cheek. Her eyebrows draw down as she exhales again, nothing but concern on her features. "I'm so sorry," she whispers and I don't know how to tell her that it's not her fault. She didn't make dad do the things that he does. And I can't blame her for leaving when she got the chance. If I could ever leave this town for good, my ass would be on the interstate right now.

"It's not your fault," I tell her, shrugging a little. She looks like she wants to utter a different apology or explain why she feels bad or some shit so I cut her off. I can't listen to that right now and I wasted a lot of time sleeping. "I um… I-I kinda have some questions for you."

Mom's eyebrows draw down and she moves her hand from my face. "What kind of questions?" She scoots back to the edge of the bed and crawls off of it. I watch her cross the room to get her bag, rifling through for a minute or two. She comes back to the bed with a chocolate bar and offers me a square. I let it melt on my tongue and wait until she's quietly chewing before I speak.

"Wh-What have you been doing since you left?" I ask, my voice a lot softer than I wanted it to be. I wanted it to come out strong, like I'm ready to hear the truth. But I just sound pathetic and desperate for answers instead.

She smiles again and I take that as a good sign. "As soon as I left, I tried to get as far away as possible. I ended up moving around a lot but I'm pretty sure I'm settled now." Her gaze falls to her lap as she shakes her head. "I was terrified he would find me again and a box of dye and a self-haircut didn't do much to ease my worry."

I know that fear. It sits on my chest most nights and keeps me from breathing easy. That's one of the reasons I know I can never leave. If he ever found me after I left, I can't even begin to imagine how ugly that would get. Mom's a lot braver than I am and I'm really fucking glad that dad hasn't found her since she left.

"Y-You don't have to worry anymore. He's given up searching for you," I tell her, my voice sounding scratchy to my own ears. It's the truth. Dad gave up looking for mom around March. The days following his admit to defeat are days I'll never forget. I can practically feel the ache in my jaw just thinking about it.

She gives me a funny look and scoffs lightly. "Dash… he'll never give up searching. That's why I have to get this restraining order and file for divorce. Until I'm legally safe, there's nothing stopping him from coming after me."

I drop my gaze from hers and she immediately places her hand over mine. "Honey, it's okay. It's all gonna be okay. I'll get this all sorted out legally and then you and I can go far away from him forever. We'll go somewhere he'll never find us, okay?"

"Y-You want me to come with you?"

The words are out of my mouth before I've fully thought them through and even if I had stopped to think, I wouldn't have said them any differently. I don't understand it. If she wants me to come with her why didn't she take me in the beginning? Why make me wait this long?

Mom gives me a sympathetic look, nodding. "Yes, baby. I always wanted you to come with me. But I knew it'd be more dangerous in the beginning. I didn't want you in the middle of this crossfire. Not until I could legally keep you safe."

I don't bring up the fact that next month, I'll turn eighteen and technically, dad can't do anything to me. Or how she already put me in this crossfire when she left. I don't feel like bringing up any shit and if there's a way for me to leave dad that's permanent, I'm willing to wait. I've waited this fucking long just to see mom again. I can wait a little longer to leave with her too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooo, readers!
> 
> The best way to end a shitty day is to have the mother that abandoned you with your abusive father show up, right? … Right?
> 
> Okay, so maybe I was a liiittle mean to Dash in this update. Can you blame me though? Last chapter was TOO happy. I had to give the boy some kind of angst otherwise this story wouldn't be recognizable as one of mine ;P
> 
> Sucks that Dash didn't get to go out for a burger with Danny, huh? Too bad his mom had to show up and cock-block him. But hey, maybe they'll make good on that raincheck, who knows?
> 
> I'd love to know what you guys think of this chapter, I know the past few chapters have felt kind of like a giant setup but I promise they're setting up for something good. (Or something incredibly angsty… honestly, it's probably a healthy mix of both lmao)
> 
> Oh, one thing I need to mention. I've changed my blog, it's no longer the-little-insomniac, it's now jaeger-soul. So, you can find me on fanfiction, ao3, Spotify, and tumblr all with the same name. I hope that makes it easier for any of you to find me wherever you might want to. (I occasionally post things about Stay on my blog so, feel free to check that out if you're interested)
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from Suddenly Strangers by Lauren Aquilina. As a whole, I don't feel like the song fits the feel of Dash at all but the line I chose for the chapter title was just too perfect for their reunion.
> 
> Anyway, I've rambled on enough, thank you all for coming back for another update, I really appreciate you keeping up with this gay angst. It really does mean a lot to me. So… thank you! For next chapter, I can promise you… the space nerd makes a reappearance. That's the only tease you get ;) See you next week!


	38. It's A Long Way Back From Seventeen

Mom and I talk for what feels like hours but by the time she offers for me to spend the night, it's only midnight. I consider staying with her but it'll just make the morning awkward. And I don't think I can sleep right now. I'm too wired from all the talking.

Instead of taking her up on the offer, I give her my phone number and tell her to call or text me in the future. Dad never gets a hold of my phone anymore so it's safe for her to. And besides, I can put her number in as a fake name if she ever calls me.

It takes a bit of convincing but mom takes my phone number before hugging me goodbye. She stands at the open door of her motel room and waves when I pull out of the parking lot. I glance back toward the motel a couple of times but I can't tell if she's still standing there or not. God, tonight was so fucking weird. I didn't expect mom to show up on one of the shittiest days but she did and I think it's made me feel a little better about everything.

The drive back to Amity Park takes longer than it should cause I end up on a couple of backroads, thinking shit over. It's almost four by the time I pass by the sign telling me I'm entering the town limits again. I don't want to go home just yet and I don't know anyone that would be up this late. Or early I guess.

After a second or two of debating, I pull over and make a U-turn. There's nothing for me to go home to right now and I can already tell I won't be sleeping anytime soon. My mind's too filled up with everything mom and I talked about to ever hope to rest right now.

* * *

 

I somehow find myself at the outlook Danny introduced me to. God, it feels like forever ago that we were sitting on the hood of my car and stuffing our faces with great food. Even though I'm sitting the way we were, there's no food and there's no one to share this silence with. Or maybe there is. Fuck, I should have let Kwan in on this a long time ago. When mom's letter first showed up, I should have told him. He's the one person in the world I can pour all my shit out to and not feel weird about it.

Kwan's phone goes straight to voicemail and I don't know if I'm disappointed or not. At least this way, he doesn't have to deal with my stupid shit instead of sleeping. I try him again and send a text just to see if he's awake but there's no answer. I'm not surprised – Kwan's the champion of sleeping in on the weekends.

My chest is aching and I don't think I can be alone any longer. I need someone to just be here. Even if we don't talk about my shit and we just talk. Or maybe if we don't talk at all… I just need someone next to me right now.

Danny's name is underneath Kwan's in my recent text messages and I hesitate only a second or two before I tap on the conversation. I feel bad about ditching him after the game but I couldn't help it. I really hope he understands. If mom hadn't shown up, he and I would have gotten something to eat and my night would have been a hell of a lot different.

I scroll to the bottom of our conversation and chew on my thumb nail as I read over Danny's last texts. He doesn't sound upset about me suddenly ditching him and part of me is hoping that he's not. Cause I really don't want to fuck up with him again.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Okay** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**You're okay though, right?** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Hope you're having fun with whatever you're doing :)** _

God, he sounds so fucking hopeful and I really hate to be the one to tell him that not only was I not exactly enjoying myself while I was dead-silent these past few hours, the visit from mom has put me back at square one. I really thought I'd gotten over the fact that she left me and the pain of having to let go of her nearly killed me. After tonight, I almost wish it had.

I tap out a message to Danny and press send before I can talk myself out of it. Kwan's not answering and I can't deal with this silence anymore. I don't want to go home yet but there's nowhere else for me to be. I'm really alone this time. And I don't think I like myself enough to be alone.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**You still awake?** _

Not everyone has insomnia like me so I'm surprised when Danny responds almost instantly. I hadn't actually expected him to be awake so it throws me for a second when 'yeah' appears on my screen only seconds later. It makes me take a little longer in my response and I second guess myself a dozen or so times before I send it.

I don't want to come across as desperate but fuck, I really am right now. I don't want to be alone anymore and Danny's awake anyway. I really hope he's not tired of listening to a pathetic quarterback whining all the time.

**To: Danny Fenton**

**_I'm at the viewpoint you showed me. Can't sleep and feeling really fucking lonely_ **

I can't even begin to imagine what he must think of me. I'm too pathetic to deal with my own shit so I get other people to help me through it. He hasn't known me long enough to have to help me handle my shit just yet but this is me and I'll drag anyone into helping me if I can.

Why the fuck can't I just deal with this on my own? It's not like this is even a hard situation. There was a lot of hope and promise with the conversation mom and I had. I have a real chance at getting away from my dad sometime soon. It's more hope than I've ever had and I don't fucking understand why my chest feels like I'm being crushed and why every breath I drag in feels strangled.

Fuck, what's wrong with me? Tonight was okay. Good, even. Mom looked so much happier now that she's away from dad and there's a chance that I could have that too. This was a good thing and I guess I'm not used to good things cause I can't fucking deal with this.

My phone startles me when it vibrates again in my hand and god-fucking-dammit, what did I ever do to deserve Danny giving me the time of day? He's too good to be friends with me and I feel guilty for pulling him away from whatever he was doing at this hour. But not guilty enough to tell him not to come and that's definitely another reason why I don't deserve him as a friend. He's not as selfish as me. That's obvious from one damn text message.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Gimme a few minutes, I'll be ther**_ e

* * *

 

I'm still staring down at where the high school is, squinting occasionally to see if I can make out any shapes, when Danny's headlights pass over me. I don't turn back to look at him. Partially cause I'm too lazy and partially because I don't want him to see how pathetic I probably look.

Danny parks his car next to mine and only when his door opens do I look his way. He turns off the engine and there's a minute of silence before he's out of the car and slamming the door shut behind him.

As soon as he gets closer to me, it's obvious why it took him a minute to get out of his car. Danny smiles broadly as he holds out a paper cup toward me. "Figured we could use some caffeine since we're both probably not gonna be sleeping tonight." He slides up onto the hood with me and leans his back against the windshield when I take the coffee from him.

What the hell did I ever do to deserve Danny as a friend? Someone who shows up when I can't sleep and brings coffee and… god, someone that's so fucking kind and doesn't think I'm an idiot. I've done a lot of shit in my life but I know I haven't done enough to deserve anyone as kind as the boy sitting next to me.

"So, is this a normal 'not sleeping' night or is something bugging you?" Danny asks softly, quietly sipping from his coffee. I don't think he has any idea how simple that question should be. I don't have to tell him everything but I feel like I should at least explain why I'm sitting here at the ass crack of dawn, waiting on the sun to rise.

I blow out a breath, turning my gaze toward the sky. The stars above us look so clear tonight and I catch Danny tilting his head back to look where I am. There are so many things I want to tell him and my first instinct is to stay quiet. To not say anything at all and just let Danny think I'm too exhausted to talk. But I'm not that tired and I'll only get better at phrasing my thoughts the more I do it.

"Can I tell you something?" I ask, looking toward Danny. He immediately meets my gaze and nods before I have time to take the question back. Shit, I guess I'm doing this. I turn toward him a little, folding one leg underneath me as I leave the other to dangle, occasionally brushing the bumper with the inside of my ankle. "I was gonna come find you after the game. I was actually on my way to where I left you wh-when uh… when someone stopped me."

Danny nods for me to continue but this time, the words are stuck. It's not that I don't know what to say this time, it's more like I can't. Or maybe I just don't want to. I've always taken the easy way out but I can't let myself this time. I want someone to know about this shit.

"Uh… it uh… m-my mom was there," I practically whisper, watching Danny's eyebrows lift before I drop my gaze to my coffee. There's no distinctive label on the cup and I guess he got it from the only gas station in Amity Park that's open at this hour. I take a sip to distract myself and try not to make a face. It's bitter as fuck but it's drinkable.

I run my thumb along the lid of the cup in the silence, trying to figure out how to sum up everything we talked about. I don't really want to tell him any of it but at the same time, I do. I want to get it off my chest or maybe just out of my head for the night cause I can't fucking think about it any longer.

"Are you okay?" Danny asks, his voice gentle in the quiet still blanketing us.

The breath leaves me as I look away from him, trying to hold on to some façade of strength. I can't think straight when my mind turns over everything that mom and I talked about tonight. And I hate that it has me completely jumbled up and confused. It's just mom. Seeing her again shouldn't fuck me up so badly.

"I don't… I don't think I know what okay is anymore," I mumble, running a hand through my hair in the silence that follows. I don't know what to tell Danny, it's not like I'm okay right now. Even though our conversation was okay and I should be too, I'm not. I'm just not and I don't know how to be. I don't know why seeing her fucks with my mind but I hate it. God, why does everything have to be so complicated?

Danny exhales and scoots closer to me, resting his hand on my knee. "I'm sorry. I can't… imagine what you're feeling right now. That's… a lot of shit for you to deal with." He exhales out and I can smell the coffee on his breath when I turn back to him.

It's a hell of a lot of shit to deal with. Add tonight to being alone in my house for however long dad decides to stay away and it's a fuck ton of shit to deal with. I can't even begin to tell Danny everything I'm going through and the one person that I _could_ didn't answer his damn phone.

I push my fingers through my hair again, dropping my stare from his face. I can't look at him anymore. There's too much I want to tell him and I can't. I wanted tonight to go differently. I wanted to get some food with Danny and relax for a few hours before I went home. Despite wanting to see mom every day since she left, I wish she hadn't shown up. Why tonight? After all this time away and calling me three days ago with the cryptic "soon" when she mentioned seeing me, why tonight? Maybe cause tonight was a game night and dad hasn't been to one of my games since junior year?

"Your uh… your friends were talking about some kind of game tomorrow?" Danny says more like a question, his blue eyes looking almost black in the darkness surrounding us. I guess he's trying to distract me from this shit and I'm all too welcoming of a change of topic.

"What game?" I ask before leaning back against the windshield again. When Danny showed me this place, I never expected it to be somewhere I come to when life has fucked me over. Lately the only reasons I've been here are because of mom. Fuck, I didn't want my shit to taint this place too.

Danny shifts next to me, sipping from his coffee before he responds. "I think it was flag football. Jeff was pretty insistent that I come. Even when I told him that I'm not good at sports." He shrugs when I look back at him. "He said he'd wear me down."

I snort. "Yeah, that's Jeff." I blink up at the night sky again before I look toward Danny. "You should come though. You don't have to play, you can just cheer me on. Y'know, since I'll be kicking their asses and all." I don't feel like joking around but it comes out naturally and even though I say it without a smile, Danny still laughs softly.

"I don't know…" He runs his fingers through his hair, darting his gaze away from mine. I hope he's not saying no cause of something my teammates said. They can be a handful sometimes and Blake never knows when to shut the hell up. I love my friends but sometimes, they can be hard to take. Unless… this has nothing to do with them.

Danny glances at the movement when I set my coffee down between us and turn toward him again, sitting cross-legged to face him better. After a second or two, he mirrors my position, cracking a smile when I roll my eyes.

"You don't have to come if you don't want to. I get it if it's like… if it's a problem," I say softly, aiming to make him feel at ease with telling me. But he gives me a funny look and I realize he has no idea what the hell I'm on about. "Fuck, um… you said that you're allowed to skip gym now? Cause of your anxiety or whatever?"

Danny's expression relaxes and a soft smile comes in place of the confusion. "Oh, yeah. It's not… sports don't bother me, Dash," he says softly, taking a sip from his cup before he goes on. "Well they… they _do_ trigger my anxiety but… it's a long story." He hesitates a second but adds, "Stick around long enough and I'll tell you."

He quickly becomes interested in the sky again and even though it's dark out, I can tell his face is flushed. I don't think I've ever seen anyone blush as adorably as he does. And I don't know why the sight makes me grin.

"You uh… you know you don't have to talk about this, right?" Danny asks, sparing a glance at me before he's focused on the stars again. I can't tell if he's trying to get the conversation to turn in a different direction so I don't bring up the fact that he's embarrassed. He steals another glance at me and this time, his gaze lingers as he speaks. "If it makes you uncomfortable, we don't have to talk about it."

Uncomfortable? Why the fuck would it? I don't think Danny's capable of making me feel uncomfortable at this point. He's pretty much cool with everything and honestly, anyone that can tutor me in algebra and not think I'm an idiot will never make me feel uncomfortable.

"Why would it bother me?" I ask and I'm sure the confusion is on my face now, erasing all traces of the previous grin.

Danny's flush deepens and he traces the lid of his cup with his index finger. "Um… c-cause I know you don't exactly know how to deal with it and trust me, you're not the only one. It's just… a lot to take in, I guess. Most people don't really want to hear about it either, s-so it's okay. Actually, most people wouldn't-"

"I'm not most people," I say before I even realize that I'm thinking it. But it's true, I'm not most people. I don't give a shit about how I feel about something. If Danny wants to talk about this shit, I'm cool with listening.

He shakes his head, letting out a soft breath. "No, I know that. It's n-not just that, Dash." He shoots me an apologetic look and I don't have time to figure out what it means before he's speaking again. "I just… kind of figured it might make you uncomfortable cause you... might be dealing with it too. And I know plenty of people that have it and don't want to talk about it. S-So, I get it."

No, he doesn't get it. I don't even know if I have anxiety like he does, it's just guesswork on his end and an attempt at understanding on mine. It's not like I've been diagnosed or whatever. It's just a thought and I don't give a shit if he wants to talk about dealing with it.

"Danny, I don't care," I tell him, shrugging when he meets my gaze again. "Seriously. It doesn't bother me if you talk about it. You can talk to me about this shit or anything else whenever, alright?" I give him a smile and reach out to touch his hand for some kind of support.

I don't think either one of us realized just how much energy is still crackling in the air between us cause of Wednesday but as soon as my fingers brush by his, it's like electricity runs through both of our veins and instantly, we're pulling away from each other. Shit, we almost kissed only a few days ago, we can't be touching like that. Damn it, why _didn't_ we kiss?

My brain's running a thousand miles per second and I can't really breathe, suddenly realizing how close I'm sitting to Danny. We're just a few inches apart and fuck, do I actually want to kiss him? I wanted to then but I guess I thought it was the moment or whatever but sitting here with him now, I wonder if it was really just the moment. Shit, I don't really _like_ Fenton, do I?

* * *

 

Somehow, we're able to get past the awkward silence that immediately followed our fingers touching and even though I still kind of want to kiss him, I push those thoughts away for now. Instead, I listen as he starts pointing out stars. He tells me things about every one of them until the sun starts to rise in the sky and he's out of constellations to talk about.

Our coffees are long gone and it's eight before either of us mention getting breakfast. I'm pretty sure neither one of us want to leave this place but we agree to drive over to the last remaining McDonald's in this town and get something to eat.

The place is basically dead and the teenager working behind the counter looks like this is the last place he wants to be on his Saturday. Danny and I each order another cup of coffee and sausage biscuits before we retreat to a table at the back.

I don't think I stop to breathe between bites of the biscuit and I'm crumpling the wrapper when Danny finally speaks, his own food only half-gone.

"So, I have to ask," he says quietly, tracing the lid of his coffee with his finger before he looks up at me, something akin to an apology in his expression. "What are you going to do about your mom?"

The exhale I make is louder than I thought it would be and I turn my gaze out the window, trying to decide how to respond. I have no fucking clue how I'm gonna handle this with mom. I wasn't expecting to see her this soon and I really should have been. If I'd been ready for this to happen at any moment, maybe it wouldn't have fucked me up so badly.

"You don't know yet, do you?" Danny asks, still speaking softly like he's afraid to disturb the quiet. He lets out a breath of his own but his is gentler. "It's okay, I understand. You don't have to figure out any answers yet, I just…"

He suddenly reaches out and grabs my hand, squeezing my palm tightly, and I look toward him as the electricity sparks between us again. Danny's eyes are almost flashing as he speaks, anger clear in his tone. "I just don't want you to think that any of this is your fault cause it's not. It's just not, Dash. I don't know what she said to you but if she told you that she left because of you, it's bullshit, okay? You're not… you're not responsible for her."

I don't know how to respond. I've spent the better part of ten months kicking the shit out of myself, completely convinced that I had something to do with mom's absence from this town. It never mattered what Kwan said or what Valerie told me after she found out about my dad, I always managed to make myself believe that it was still my fault that mom pulled a disappearing act. And here's Danny. Innocently asking me not to believe something I've spent months drilling into my head.

"Yeah, I know," I mumble, unable to hold his gaze as the lie spills from me. I've gotten so used to bullshitting, it just comes naturally now. I don't even think Kwan can tell when I'm lying anymore. It was probably easier before mom left. But I've put up walls since then.

Danny shakes his head, his gaze dropping to our hands, still clasped in one another's and stretched across the table like we reached for each other at the same time. But he did the reaching and I just let him take my hand. "No, you don't," he says, his voice soft again. "I-I don't know you that well, Dash but I'm really good at reading people. You don't… really believe that it's not your fault. Even if it's small, there's still a part of you that thinks she left because of you."

Well. Fuck me.

I tug my hand from Danny's and he lets me retreat before he meets my stare. "It's okay, Dash. I get it. You want to believe the best about her but if she didn't do anything wrong then it has to be you. It's just not fair to blame yourself. You're too good to do that." His face flushes in the stretch of silence between us and he quickly busies himself with his food again.

"So, you coming today or what?" I ask, watching him over the rim of my coffee cup.

Danny looks disappointed at the sudden topic change but he nods after a second or two. "Sure." He takes a small bite out of his biscuit before giving me a smile that holds an apology. "You might have to convince me to play but… I'll definitely be there."

I don't know if it's cause right now, he's the only one that knows about my mom's sudden reappearance, or if it's cause it's him but I'm really fucking happy that he's gonna be at the game today. Even though it's just with my friends and it'll probably only last thirty minutes before someone starts bitching about someone else cheating, I'm still really glad that Danny will be there.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooo! Thanks for returning for another week of this angst, I'm glad you're here.
> 
> Getting the elephant in the room outta the way first, whaaaaat'd you guys think of Dash realizing that he might actually like Danny? ;) I know you've all been waiting for that – I'd love to know what you're thinking.
> 
> I've been loving reading all of your comments and thoughts about Dash's mom. It's really awesome to read through any speculations you have or just generally what you think about certain character's actions.
> 
> Not a lot of plot development in this chapter, mainly just interaction between the boys but I know how much you guys like that. Things are progressing agonizingly slow in this but I can promise you that the angst and heartbreak to come are definitely worth it.
> 
> The title of this week's chapter comes from 'Bored To Death' by Blink-182. I could go on and on about how great their new album is but I'll leave it at this: I've been listening to it non-stop since I first heard it and it's SO good.
> 
> Thanks again for checking out this week's update. I'll let you guys get back to the rest of your Tuesday or Wednesday or whenever you're reading this. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you did, let me know? I'd love to know your thoughts on anything with this update or past updates or whatever.
> 
> I'll see you guys next chapter!


	39. Without Hitting The Ground

Danny and I leave McDonalds with the intention of going home but we end up in the parking lot, leaning against our cars and talking. We tell each other all kinds of stories and I can't stop grinning at how hard he laughs at my re-telling of the time Kwan and I were racing down the hill and I flipped over the handle-bars of my bike and landed in a row of thorn bushes.

"Oh my god, how did you not die as a child?" Danny asks through garbled laughter.

I shrug, grinning as I fold my arms over my chest. "My mom was a nurse. Plucked each one of those thorns outta me and gave me a lecture to last for the ages. She probably saved my life more times than I can count."

Danny's expression falters for a second but he seems to ease up when he realizes that I'm smiling. Mom's… still a touchy subject. But there are things I can talk about that involve her. Shit, if I didn't tell any stories that included her in them, I might as well stop talking altogether.

"It's okay, y'know," I mumble before I think it through but Danny holds my gaze when I speak so I feel the need to keep going. "I don't uh… mind talking about her."

He nods a little, his stare dropping to the pavement instead. He's quiet for a second before he looks up at me again, a smile lifting the corners of his mouth. "Don't take this the wrong way but it's surreal sometimes to be talking to you. I didn't… really see this friendship coming."

"Why not? Cause I'm the greatest quarterback in the tri-county? Didn't think I'd pay attention to the little people?" I tease, kind of loving the pink that flushes his face with my words.

Danny rolls his eyes, snorting, but he's still blushing. "No, not even close." He runs a hand through his hair with an exhale before he glances back at me, still wearing that blush and smile combination. "Cause when we met, I uh… I wanted to be your friend but I didn't think… that you wanted to be mine."

He flushes even harder when I open and close my mouth without saying anything. I've seen Danny around for a while and I know the cheerleaders don't exactly like him but… I never really noticed him until that day Blake hurled a football into his face.

"You're just saying that cause I made sure you didn't bleed all over the field. Which just so you know, that was more about protecting the field than you." I give him my best attempt at a grin but his eyebrows draw downward as he slowly shakes his head.

Danny folds his arms over his chest. "No, that's… that's not what I mean. You don't uh… remember when we _first_ met, do you?" he asks softly and after a second, I shake my head. I saw him around before that day, sure, but I didn't exactly pin the first conversation we had to memory or anything.

"Y-Yeah, that's what I thought." He shifts his weight before glancing toward me, a soft smile on his face again. "You um… I-I was walking home after my piano lesson when I was ten and th-there was a dog. I think there was something wrong with him l-like he had rabies or something cause he was acting crazy. I tried to run but he was faster and tackled me."

Danny meets my gaze again, still smiling. "You heard me scream a-and you managed to scare it off. After the dog ran, you walked me home to make sure I was okay." He laughs a little, shaking his head. "K-Kinda lame to say but uh… that's one of my favorite memories."

Shit, I do remember that. I guess I sort of forgot that was Fenton.

"Y-Yeah, well… someone's gotta watch out for you," I respond, my own face heating up at the memory. I don't know why but even now, I still feel like protecting him. Just thinking about someone coming after him or when Blake threw that football at him makes me angry. I don't like the thought of anyone hurting Danny. And I don't know what that means about me.

He shakes his head, eyes wide and innocent as he places a hand on my arm. "I'm not being sarcastic, I mean it. I really admired you from then on a-and I thought you were really brave," he says, his voice dying a little at the end.

I don't know if I'm still brave but hearing that Danny thought I was makes something in my chest swell. It makes me want to prove to him that I'm still capable of being brave. I want him to still admire me and I don't think this is just coming from my ridiculous need to have someone be proud of me. I want to be brave because it's Danny. I want to be able to protect him and I want all of that because above it all… I think I want Danny.

* * *

 

I park my car near the front of the high school and watch my friends lumbering around the field. They're all pretty involved in whatever conversations they're having but I'm more interested in the Hyundai that's pulled up next to me. Danny shoots me a grin from his window before he gets out of his car and I'm quick to follow suit.

"I got here right on time," Danny says, still grinning as he looks at me. He tucks his keys into his back pocket before falling into step with me on our way to the field. I'm hyper aware of how close we are and if I timed it right, I bet my hand could brush by his.

It's almost casual – the way I make my fingers touch the back of his hand as I lift mine under the pretense of running it through my hair. "S-Sorry," I mumble, shooting him a smile like I didn't mean to touch him. He easily returns the smile and shakes his head before turning his gaze to the field. I return my hand next to his, trying to remember how to breathe. Shit, I already want to touch his hand again.

"Yo Baxter, you made it!" Jeff calls out, waving to the both of us as we start across the field toward my friends. I lift the hand that's not currently twitching toward Danny's, and wave in response, looking between everyone that's gathered here.

Aside from Jeff, there's Blake, Keith – who's standing on the bleachers, Zeke, Toby, and Kwan. At least as far as the guys go. Star, Paulina, Anna,and… Shit, Paulina's here. Why do I still want to touch Danny's hand when Paulina's right there? What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't like guys. I like girls. I have a _girl_ friend.

Paulina smiles as soon as she turns around and sees me and I notice the falter in Danny's step before I realize that I've slowed my pace too. I like Paulina. Not Danny. But I still want to touch his hand… fuck. Is it wrong that part of me wants them both?

"Hey you," Paulina says, pulling me into a soft kiss when I'm close enough. I kiss her but I'm thinking of Danny. Wondering what expression he's wearing. If he thinks about touching my hand too… Jesus Christ, what is wrong with me?

I don't look at Danny when Paulina and I pull away from each other but I want to. I need to know what he's thinking and I'm sure the look on his face would tell me. I can't let myself look at him right now and instead, I focus on my teammates.

"So, we playing or what?" I mumble, stepping past Paulina. She slides her hand into mine and I wonder if she can tell how uncomfortable I am. I liked holding her hand. Shit, I still like holding her hand. Why can't I just like it and not imagine it as Danny's hand in my own?

"Still waiting on Seth, Dale, and Mitchell to get their asses here," Jeff says, nodding to his phone. "Mitchell just texted me saying they're almost here so it shouldn't be too long."

Kwan nods to me, a hesitant smile on his face. "You're our actual team captain so you get to decide who's captain of the opposing team."

"Jeff," I say before I even think it through. If I ever wanted someone to take over for me with the Ravens, it'd be Jeff. He knows the team best and he's pretty good at clearing up any conflict between our teammates.

Jeff places a hand over his heart and mimes wiping away a tear. "I'm touched, bro." He stoops to pick up a set of flags and holds one out to me. "Your team is red and mine's blue. Since the others aren't here yet, we'll have to wait on picking team members." He pauses for a second when I take the flags before he adds, "I guess we should probably stretch in the meantime," with a shrug.

That's fine with me, as long as I get the chance to breathe and figure out what the fuck I'm feeling. I glance over my shoulder at Danny but his face only stirs the butterflies in my stomach. I quickly shift my gaze and I start toward where Keith is, sitting on one of the bleachers.

As soon as I get close enough, I realize who's with him and I don't really have to force the grin onto my face. Keith's little sister, Lily, recognizes me instantly and she jumps up from where she's sitting, surprising her brother in the process.

"Dash!" she says, holding her arms up for a hug. I glance at Keith first and wait for his nod before I reach down and hug her, my hand resting on her back. She pulls away just far enough to stick her tongue out at me. "You gonna beat my brother today?"

I grin before looking up at Keith. "Actually, I'm hoping to get him on my team before Jeff does."

Lily grins again, twisting in my arms to look at her brother. I let go of her and she instantly goes to him, sinking down next to him and snuggling into his arms. He rubs her back gently before looking at me, giving me a tired smile. I think that's how I look when I'm pretending I'm okay so I just give him a nod in return.

"Keith says I'm only here for moral support," Lily says and makes a face when she looks at me. "I'm not allowed to play even a little."

Keith rolls his eyes, tousling Lily's hair with one hand. "I don't make the rules, sis. Doc said you're not doing anything strenuous anymore." She glances up at him before sticking her tongue out, grinning immediately when he snorts at the action.

For an eleven-year-old, Lily's always seemed older than her actual age. I guess being given an early death sentence does that to a person. Even though Keith always looks tired and sad when he's around her, Lily's the exact opposite. I don't think I've ever seen her sad.

"So, how's school doing? You're in what, the ninth grade now?" I ask and the teasing to my tone isn't lost on her.

She rolls her eyes, a grin stretching across her face. "You _know_ I'm not old enough to be in high school yet." Lily looks up at Keith again, smiling at him. "One day I will though and Keith says he'll have to fight the boys off with a baseball bat."

That cracks a smile on Keith's face and he rolls his eyes. "That's _if_ I let them near enough to you for me to even hit them. And that's a pretty big if, Lil." He glances toward me with a shrug but there's a genuine smile on his face this time. "She's just not allowed to date, ever."

I grin in response, propping my foot up one bleacher and leaning on my knee. I glance down at Keith's phone, propped up on his own knees, and raise an eyebrow. "What are you doing?"

Keith's face flushes slightly and he scratches at the back of his head, shrugging in response as he drops his gaze down to his phone. Lily glances his way for a second before apparently deciding to answer for him. "He's watching more coverage about the phantom case. He's been obsessed with lately."

"Hey, I wouldn't say _obsessed_ , Lily!" Keith defends, his face flushing as he looks toward me. "It's... interesting."

I wonder if it's just interesting for him or if he likes keeping up with the case cause it gives him something other than his life to focus on. Hell, if I didn't have the garage or football to distract me from the shit in my life, I'd probably have jumped off a bridge by now.

"Dash?"

I turn toward the voice and Kwan smiles up at me, shooting a glance toward Keith. "Sorry, I just need his help rounding up some of the footballs," he says, glancing at Keith's sister after a second. "Hi, Lily. You came to cheer us on?"

She sighs, leaning back on the bleachers. "Seems that's all I'm allowed to do." She throws her arm over her forehead in mock dramatics and Kwan laughs softly.

"Well, I appreciate you coming," Kwan says, looking at Keith for a second before he offers up a smile. I wonder if Keith ever gets tired of the sympathy he can see on people's faces. "See you on the field."

Kwan and I leave the bleachers together and we're heading toward the other end of the field when he speaks. "S-So that was kind of a lie. Um, you called me a bunch of times this morning…?" he trails off, his expression pinched. "I'm sorry, I kind of slept through them. I tried to call you back when I got up but the calls wouldn't go through." He glances toward me, an apology on his face. "What happened?"

I don't want to bring up the dark shit right now but my gaze strays toward Danny, laughing at something Jeff's telling him, as I think it over. If I hadn't called him, if we hadn't sat next to each other on the hood of my car and talked about everything, would I have ever noticed that I like the way his fingers feel against mine and that I find his smile really fucking adorable?

"Dash, what is it?" Kwan asks softly, mistaking my silence for pain.

I turn to my best friend again, wanting to tell him everything but knowing that now's not the time. I feel my stomach in my throat as I speak but I speak anyway. "I was just kinda lost in my own head. Turns out, Danny was awake too so we talked for a while." I want to add the part about it being specifically _him_ that got me out of my head but I don't. I can barely think about that fact without wanting to fucking vomit from nerves. There's no way I'll be able to breathe a word of it to Kwan.

Kwan looks skeptical but Jeff starts calling my name before he can say anything. We walk to where Jeff is and Danny gives me a smile when he sees me. I have to force myself to return it, the butterflies going nuts in my stomach.

"So," Jeff claps his hands together before he addresses us. "The guys are here so it's time to start picking. Anyone got a quarter? I left my wallet in the car."

"I think I do," Danny says, pulling his wallet from his back pocket. He digs inside of the tattered leather before he takes a coin out, extending it toward Jeff. "Yeah, I do, here."

Jeff shakes his head. "Nah, you flip. That way Dash can't say I'm cheating." I roll my eyes but I can't stop the smile on my face when Danny laughs softly.

"Okay, c-call it in the air," Danny says, flipping the quarter up. I watch it turn over a few times before I call heads. Danny catches the quarter and places it on the back of his hand. "Heads," he announces, looking up at me with a smile.

Jeff shoves my shoulder. "Alright, who's your first pick?" He glances up at the bleachers before cupping his hands around his mouth. "Yo, Keith, we're starting!"

I follow Jeff's line of sight and wait until Keith joins us before I speak. "I want Kwan first." I high five my best friend as he comes to stand next to me, giving him a smile that's barely forced now. I'm really glad I didn't bail on this. I love flag football, it's a nice break from the real thing.

"Alright, I pick…" Jeff glances around our friends and though he lingers on Keith, he doesn't go with him. "Star." As soon as he says her name, I nudge Jeff in the ribs as Blake whoops. Jeff's face flushes but he doesn't respond to our teasing, simply telling me to pick my next choice.

Keith's a great player and I really want him on my team but… I keep looking at Danny and I want him on my team first. I doubt Jeff would choose Danny over anyone else here but I don't like even the possibility of playing against him. Ugh, what's wrong with me?

"You playing, Danny?" I ask and his face flushes when my teammates look at him but he quietly mumbles, 'yeah' with a nod. "Alright, then I choose you."

Jeff looks at me like I'm crazy for passing over Keith but I'm focused on Danny's face when I raise my hand for a high five. The corners of his mouth lift upward and his eyes squint a little with the smile he gives me. He easily high-fives me and I commit the feeling of his palm against mine to memory.

"Keith," Jeff chooses.

I pick Mitchell before Jeff picks Blake. I feel guilty for not picking her before now but Paulina still grins when I choose her. I kiss her instead of giving her a high five and I hate myself for the way my heart still wonders what it would be like if her lips were Danny's.

* * *

 

As soon as everyone's sorted and has a flag tied to them in some way, the game gets going. Since there's no tackling involved, no one bothers with any safety padding – though Danny kinda looks like he's on board with the idea of it.

Once or twice, a foul is called, but the game continues regardless and it's all pretty much fair play. At least, until Danny makes a fucking amazing score. My team is celebrating and sticking our tongues out at Jeff's team – generally being obnoxious shits, before we move into the next play. I know I'm not the only one that notices the tension in the air just before Blake heads straight for Danny – even though he's not the one with the ball.

Kwan fumbles the pass because his attention is quickly drawn to where mine is. Blake tackles Danny easily and the pair of them roll across the field. I've already moved out of position and started for them when the side of Danny's head collides with the edge of one of the bleachers.

"Shit!"

My voice is loud even in the chaos of the game and half of the people on the field stop when they hear me swear. I'm barely paying attention to anyone behind me. I'm focused on the black-haired boy that's almost completely still against the bleachers.

Blake rolls off of him and as soon as I'm close enough, I shove him away before I hit my knees next to Danny. His eyes are closed and there's blood steadily running from a cut on the side of his face. _Shit_. If anything happens to Danny, I'll fucking kill Blake.

"Danny?" I shake him a little, trying to assess the damage just with my eyes. Goddammit, I can't fucking believe Blake did this. What the hell is wrong with him?

Kwan comes to a stop next to me and kneels down beside Danny, brushing his hair away from the cut. "I-It doesn't look that bad, Dash," he says softly, trying to ease the worry knotting itself around my throat. Something can be bad even if it doesn't look like it is. Mom always taught me that, so I'd never try to tough out the injuries dad gave me. God, Danny's cut looks fucking awful from what I can see and I don't want this. I can't watch this happening to Danny and be completely powerless, I ca-

Danny stirs and his eyes flutter closed once before he's blinking up at me, his face instantly flushing. He glances between me and Kwan and by the time he speaks, most of the people playing have drifted closer to us.

"Wh-What happened?" Danny asks, gingerly sitting up and Kwan and I both reach to help him. He gives us a wobbly smile before he repeats the question, looking around for the answer. Jesus Christ, I'm actually going to kill Blake.

Kwan smiles, which is more than I'm able to do right now, but he looks down at Blake for an explanation. Blake's busy picking himself up from the grass and I guess Kwan knows what I'm thinking cause his hand on my arm stops me from going anywhere.

"Ha… Sorry, man… I thought you had the ball," Blake mumbles and I don't buy it for a fucking second. He did it on purpose. Cause Danny made an amazing score and Blake hates to lose. He's like a fucking child when he loses anything, and Danny really doesn't deserve that kind of shit from him.

"Bullshit," I spit before I think about it. A couple people look at me before Jeff leads Blake away, probably more to protect him than me but whatever. At least he's gone.

Kwan looks up at Keith before he stands. "Can you help me find the first aid kit? There's one in the locker room but I can never remember where it is."

Keith's gaze strays up to the bleachers where his sister still is, her gaze trained down toward us, before he nods, following after Kwan. I watch the two of them walking away for about a second before I'm focused on Danny again, my eyes instantly going to the blood still dripping down his face. Shit, I hate the sight of it. And I hate Blake for causing it. He's such an asshole sometimes.

Danny meets my gaze and tries to give me a reassuring smile but he winces instead. "It probably looks worse than it actually is," he says, reaching up a hand to feel the wound. His hand comes away with blood on his fingers and he makes a face at the sight.

Before I think it through, I reach a hand out toward him and he meets my gaze. I can't stop myself from pulling back so I gently brush away a line of blood running down his cheek. He makes a soft noise in his throat at the movement but I can't stop myself. It's all I can do right now.

"I-It's really not that bad," Danny mumbles softly, his gaze dropping from mine. His cheeks are flushed and in the silence surrounding us, I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. Both times I've seen him bloody are because of Blake and I swear, I'll kick my teammates ass if he even attempts a third.

It doesn't take Keith and Kwan too long to get back with the medical kit and they pass it off to me before stepping back. I remember some of the stuff mom taught me when she was bandaging my wounds and her own. Never thought it'd come in handy patching someone else up but there's a first time for everything I guess.

"Probably gonna sting," I tell Danny, cleaning the blood away from the injury with an alcohol pad. He winces at the movement but tilts his head to give me better access. With how close I am, I can smell his skin and I can't help the way my heart pounds at the scent. He mostly smells like soap, but I catch something else too. It isn't even fall yet but I swear I could smell winter air on his skin. I lean closer under the pretense of looking at the wound better but from the way my heart's going crazy, that's not the only reason I'm so close to him.

In truth, the wound doesn't look that bad, there was just a lot of blood. I put a couple of butterfly closures over it and top it off with a bandage just to be careful. "You can take the bandage off tonight if you want to but I wouldn't take off the butterfly closures until tomorrow morning, alright?"

Danny nods as I start gathering up the wrappers from the bandages and I'm really glad Jeff moved Blake away from me. Kicking his ass probably wouldn't have been as productive as helping Danny. Doesn't mean I don't still want to ram Blake's teeth in.

"Are we gonna finish the game?" Kwan asks and I glance around at the others.

Jeff meets my gaze and shrugs. "That counts as a foul so you're up by six, Dash," he says, looking in Blake's direction. I hesitate a second before I look where Jeff is, only partially certain that I won't try to pummel Blake the second I get the chance.

Blake looks between us before he sighs. "Fine, fine, it's a foul. Does that mean we're still playing?" he asks, folding his arms over his chest.

As much as I'd love to call off the game and tell Blake to go fuck himself, the amount of attention that would draw to Danny would make him incredibly uncomfortable. I don't want to put him in that position so I nod. I've had enough practice putting aside how I feel to play the game, today's not any different. Besides, the smile that Danny gives me when I nod is enough to make me forget just a little about Blake.

* * *

 

We play until we're all exhausted and by that point, my team's beaten Jeff's three to one. He swears the first game we only won cause they were going easy on Danny but I'm pretty sure it's just cause they suck.

All of us are sprawled on the grass staring at the sky above and the only sound is our labored breathing. I'm lying between Kwan and Danny and as exhausted as I am from no sleep and the game, I can't close my eyes. My chest is pounding and I pretend it's still from the exertion.

"Only losers make excuses, Jeff," Paulina teases, turning her head to look at him. He responds by rolling his eyes but his pouting is cut short by Star kissing him on the cheek. Some of our teammates make cat-calls and whistles but he ignores them.

The silence that falls over all of us isn't uncomfortable and I watch the clouds drifting lazily by. I remember cloud watching with Kwan as a kid and we'd point out shapes to each other. I almost want to point something out now and say what it looks like but they all look like nothing to me. I don't know if that means I'm getting older or I've just lost my imagination or something.

I slowly turn my head toward Danny, trying to be subtle with the movement, but he turns instantly when I do and he gives me a smile before I remember how to breathe. There's something about his eyes that makes me forget to draw in oxygen.

"H-How's your head?" I ask.

He shrugs, the smile lifting the corners of his mouth. "Doesn't even hurt anymore." He looks so sincere when he speaks but I don't trust him. If anything, he's probably just saying that so I don't go postal on Blake.

I turn my head to where I know my teammate's laying but Danny's voice quickly pulls my gaze back to him. "Hey, don't… don't do anything, Dash. I-It was an accident," he says softly, his hand touching my arm. It still feels like electricity courses through me at the contact and I don't know if Danny can feel it too but it makes my heart race.

Danny's eyebrows draw down as he continues to speak and I'm too busy getting lost in his eyes to really pay attention. I think he says something about Blake again, maybe something about how I shouldn't do anything to him but I'm not hearing him. I'm completely star struck. His eyes are too distracting. They look like afternoons by the lake or the sky after it rains. They remind me of summer fading into fall and the first spring shower. I've never been the kind of person to get lost in someone's eyes before but dammit, I am in his.

"Dash... are you even listening to me?" he asks suddenly, an amused sort of expression taking over his face when I blink. _Shit. Busted._

I can feel my cheeks instantly burning as soon as he speaks and I feel bad for staring at him for so long. God, I must look like some kind of weirdo. I wonder if it'd be weird to tell him that I love his eyes. Not just cause they're fucking stunning but because the sight of them stirs something in me that I could never hope to name – only feel.

"S-Sorry," I mumble, dropping my gaze from his. I can only imagine what I look like and I hope that he doesn't question my flushed appearance cause it's not hot enough out to redden my face like it is. "Lost in thought, I guess."

Danny's quiet for a minute or two, not that I'm counting or some shit, before he speaks again, his voice soft. "Don't think about your mom," he practically whispers. God, I don't want to think about her. I just want to think about Danny. I want to hear his voice in my ears, filling up my mind with everything he can think of to talk about and I won't have to come up with anything to say.

"Tell me about your friends," I mumble, my eyes falling closed as I turn toward him. I let out a soft breath that's almost shaky and Danny takes it as a sign that I need some kind of reassurance. His hand touches my shoulder again and that electricity is renewed. It only makes my need to hear his voice stronger. "Your family, the universe… Please, just talk. Tell me anything, tell me _everything_ j-just talk. F-Fill the silence in my brain…"

It doesn't take long for Danny to find something to say and he easily takes up my request, talking until I don't have to think anymore and I can just listen to the sound of his voice. He tells me about his childhood and his friends and how he feels on a rainy day. He recounts the story of his first ride on a rollercoaster and the last time he went to the fair. He tells me about his sister and his parents and the friends that he doesn't talk about often, and I feel closer to him just from a few words.

The brief moments of silence between us don't feel awkward or clumsy, they're just natural. Like we've been doing this our whole lives and goddammit, I want to be. I'm selfish and pathetic but I just want to hear Danny's voice when I can't think about the shit in my life anymore. And I don't want to have to care about what it means that Danny's voice is the one that calms the quiet in my brain.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeyyooo! Welcome back to another Tuesday with this fic. As usual, I've brought angst and pain with a tiny smidge of fluff. Hope you enjoy ;p
> 
> I don't exactly dislike this chapter but I feel like it could have been better. Again, there's not a whole lot of plot development in this and I know this is gonna sound like a broken record but I swear, this is all setting up for things in the future. I've hidden easter eggs throughout this fic as far back as the 2nd or 3rd chapter. And I really hope that most of you enjoy the outcome of all this foreshadowing.
> 
> The title of this week's chapter comes from 'Looks Like Love' by Madilyn Bailey. The full lyric is, "I still don't know how to fall in love without hitting the ground" and to me, that's so Dash. He's not the type of person to do anything halfway. When he falls, he falls haaaaard. And he's defiiiinitely gonna fall hard for Danny.
> 
> Speaking of the budding crush in Dash... what do you think of that? Isn't it such a beautiful and torturous thing to watch? That poor boy's so twisted up on the inside, it's gonna take him a whiiiile before this all hits him.
> 
> What do you think of Paulina in this? Do you like that she's giving Danny a chance now? Think that she doesn't deserve the adorable space boy? As always, I love all comments and messages – they really do mean the world to me.
> 
> Thanks again for reading this update and I'll see you guys next Tuesday! (with hopefully a better chapter to make up for this not so great one… okay I'm going)


	40. I Wonder If You Wonder About Me Too

I spend Sunday at home, catching up on sleep and texting Danny. I don't know what it is about seeing his name light up my screen but it makes me really fucking happy. Even though it's just me in the house, I don't feel alone because Danny and I text until I try to sleep around midnight.

Monday morning, my nerves are eating me alive as I stand in the parking lot, earlier than I normally get here, and glance around for Danny's car. Kwan will be here in a few minutes and I'm hoping Danny beats him here. Kwan will probably want to talk about any shit going on with me which always makes talking about good things harder. And Danny's definitely a good thing.

As soon as I guess that Kwan's gonna beat him here, I see his black Hyundai pull into the parking lot. My heart jumps into my throat and I try to remind myself how to breathe. Jesus Christ, we're just friends. Sort of? I don't know if that's what he'd call us but I hope we're friends. All I know is that he's really important to me.

Danny parks his car next to mine and gets out with a smile on his face. "Traffic was awful this morning. I swear, every person in this whole town was on the road when I left my house." He runs a hand through his hair with a soft exhale and I fumble for the coffee cups propped up on the trunk of my car.

"H-Here," I say, handing one over to him. His smile widens as he takes it and I shrug one shoulder, trying to play it off pretty casually. "Y-You brought me one the other night s-so I thought I'd return the gesture."

He nods, still smiling widely, and sips from the coffee. Sh-Shit, his Adam's apple bobs as he swallows and I don't understand why the sight makes my heart race even more. It's not like I've never seen him swallow and goddammit, if I could chill for two seconds, I'd probably handle this better.

Danny frowns, reaching out to place a hand on my arm and a stuttering breath leaves me. "Are you okay?" he whispers softly, glancing around the parking lot. As soon as his eyes are off me, I look away, trying to remember to be normal. Or at least act like I am.

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine," I mumble, giving him an overzealous grin. He sees through it instantly and leans against the back of my car, one eyebrow raised. I guess Danny's really good at reading people cause I probably could have fooled anyone else with that.

"If you're… nervous or anxious, you can talk to the nurse. You know that, right? Nurse Socie's cool about that stuff. She's gotten me out of a few days where I couldn't deal with it all." Danny runs a hand through his hair before he looks my way again, offering up a shrug, "I-I can go with you if you want me there…"

Maybe if dad was home and had pulled one of his famous shows, I would let the nurse write me off for the day and chill at Kwan's. Binge watching some television and chugging liquid caffeine sounds pretty good right about now. But I can't lie and say this has anything to do with being anxious or whatever it is that I get. I'm just nervous because I'm around Danny. And my chest still hasn't figured out a reason why it's Danny that makes me nervous.

"N-No, I'll be okay." I scratch at the back of my head in the silence, having to look away from him almost instantly. Jeez, I'm acting like I have a damn schoolboy crush on him. I don't. We're just friends. We're friends, right?

Danny looks back at me with a tired smile, sipping from his coffee again before he speaks. "Well… come on then. Let's get today over with."

* * *

 

Lunch is pretty boring only cause Danny has to cut out early. He mentions having something to take care of and he'll probably be gone through the spare we both have. It's kind of a bummer cause I was looking forward to a study session with him. And not just cause he's a godsend for me with algebra.

The day drags on but English is at least interesting. Danny and I sit next to each other again and I try to act like everything's normal between us. It is. If I just don't think about the fact that I still want to kiss him. And the part about liking the way his hand felt against mine when I brushed by it.

Lancer calls on Jeff once because he's been aiming paper balls at the back of my head since the lesson began. My teammate doesn't get much more than a stern look from our teacher but I still turn around to flip him the bird when Lancer's not looking.

When class lets out, my teammates and I start toward the field together and Danny follows us, easily keeping up with the conversation. I'm barely listening to what's being said in favor of watching Danny but I'm pretty sure it's about another party. There doesn't seem to be an occasion for this one but knowing my teammates, they'll jump at any chance to get wasted.

"We'll have to see if Paulina's willing to lend us her house again. Unless you're all up for another trip to the beach." Jeff grins, wiggling his eyebrows and I'm pretty sure we all know why he's interested in going back to the beach.

"Dude, you're the one with the crush on Star," Keith says, glancing toward Jeff, who shrugs in response. Keith rolls his eyes and looks toward Danny. "You sticking around for practice?"

Danny's face colors and he shakes his head a little. "N-No, probably not."

"You can, you know… Coach doesn't care if there are people in the bleachers during practice," I say, only partially lying. Brimfield really doesn't care if people are in the bleachers as long as we're paying attention to the practice. Though I'm pretty sure if Danny's up there, I won't be entirely focused on the game.

Danny shakes his head again, resituating the stack of books in his arms. "No, that's okay. I uh…" He glances at my teammates who have all slowed to a stop with the two of us. I almost tell them I'll catch up with them at Danny's growing hesitation but he speaks before I can. "You should come by my place after practice. We can go over your algebra since we missed it today."

"Okay, cool… s-sounds like a plan." I can't help the way my smile is instantly back with the thought of getting to hang around him for a while. "That reminds me, I'm working tomorrow so you can come by after school if you want… I'll show you some stuff or whatever."

He returns the smile and nods, rocking back on his heels in the silence. "Sure. Okay. I'll see you." Danny continues to look at me for a second before he glances toward my teammates with the same smile on his face. "See you guys later." He waves to my teammates before starting for his car and they all return the wave while I try to pretend I'm not ridiculously thrilled for practice to just be over with.

* * *

 

Danny's changed into an oversized t-shirt by the time I show up at his place and the sight throws me for a minute. The shirt's hanging off one shoulder just a bit and I can see his collarbones. _Sh-Shit, he's got really nice collarbones…_ Fuck, what's wrong with me?

"Come on in, I promise it won't be like the last time we studied here," Danny says, offering up a smile as he steps back to let me through. He closes the door once I'm inside and lets out a breath before turning around to look at me. "My parents are working late so we have the place to ourselves until eleven."

We're alone? In his house? Shit, I don't think my mind should be going where it is. We're friends, goddammit. Friends don't think about kissing friends. …damn it, I'm _still_ thinking about kissing him.

"You okay?" Danny asks, giving me a funny look as he passes by me to get to the table. He has two drinks on the table among the books he's already spread out. He takes a seat and props his elbow on the table, still looking up at me with a sort of cautious expression on his face.

I drop my backpack beside the table and nod, glancing around the kitchen before I look back at him, my voice wavering when I speak. "U-Um, is it cool if I use the bathroom before we get started?" I ask and Danny raises an eyebrow.

"No. We don't let outsiders use the bathroom at my house." He looks at me with a straight face and it takes me a second to realize he's joking. Right about the time I realize it, he grins, shaking his head as he rises from the table. "Come on, it's just around the corner."

Danny leads me further into his house and gestures to a closed door. "I'll just be at the table." He offers another smile before he leaves and my fingers tremble as I turn the knob on the bathroom door. Jeez, it's just Danny. It's not his fault that I can't act normal around him anymore.

I end up standing in front of the mirror longer than necessary after I wash my hands and I try to get back to some kind of normalcy. I splash a few handfuls of cold water onto my face and dry off with the bottom of my shirt, studying my expression until I think I've got the normalcy thing down. I can do this. I can act normal with Danny. Even though I want to reach out and touch his collarbones like he's a blank canvas and I'm a paintbrush, just aiming to flush his skin. _Fuck, no. Normal. Act normal._

There are pictures hung in the hallway outside the bathroom and several are from when Danny was a baby. There are some from when he's a little older but one photo catches my attention. It's Danny, probably no older than five, and a ginger-haired girl with her arms slung around his shoulders. They're both grinning and it looks like they're on vacation somewhere. I think the ocean is what's in the background but I can't tell.

"That's my sister."

I jump at Danny's voice suddenly behind me and he smiles softly, taking a step closer to me. "Sorry." He folds his arms over his chest and nods toward the photo. "Can't tell we're related, huh?" he asks, sparing a glance in my direction.

Danny nods when I shake my head and his gaze returns to the photograph. "Yeah… my parents got that a lot when we were younger. Jazz looks more like my parents than I do." He shrugs before moving away from the hall, gesturing for me to follow. "We're only two years apart, actually. Probably doesn't look that way now considering she actually looks nineteen and I'm about as filled out as a broom stick." He gestures to his lean frame with a hollow laugh and all that normalcy I worked so hard on in the bathroom disappears with the flush slowly creeping over my skin.

He sinks down in the chair at the kitchen table and flips a page in the textbook before he looks up at me, still hovering in the kitchen. "You can sit, you know."

I easily take the chair next to his and he pushes the textbook between us. He begins explaining some of the problems and after the first few minutes, it starts to make sense. Danny's really good at explaining this shit in a way that I finally understand and he's patient with me whenever I get stuck. Within an hour, we're through all of my algebra and I'm more relaxed in his presence than I was when I first got here.

"Shit, Danny… I don't know what I would do without you." As soon as the words leave my mouth, I feel the need to correct myself, make sure he knows what I mean by it. But he smiles anyway so I try not to think about the other ways he could take it.

He gathers up his books and slides them to one end of the table, shaking his head. "Don't worry about it, I like helping you." Danny gathers up the pencils strewn about the table and lines them up next to the textbooks before he speaks. "You don't have to work tonight, do you?"

"No," I say, my voice quiet even in the silence. I don't know if he's asking for a specific reason but the places my mind is going are definitely not-friends territory.

Danny stands and picks up our empty soda cans, crossing the kitchen to get to the trash. "Since my parents are gone… you could stay for a while if you want to." He shrugs a little, his back to me as he ditches the cans into the trash.

"I could order a pizza," I respond, already wondering what we could do in the meantime. I don't know if he plays video games or anything but I'm sure we could come up with some way to kill the time. And the things my mind's coming up with won't work for a variety of… creative reasons.

Danny laughs softly, turning around to look at me as he shakes his head. "They won't deliver this far out, my parents have called before." He wanders closer to the table, his hand resting on the back of a chair. "My dad actually left some stuff to make a stir-fry… but I'm not that great at cooking… just so you know, if you still want to stick around for dinner."

I can't think of a reason why I would go home and spend time by myself, probably eating a microwave meal, over staying with Danny. And besides, I doubt there's anything that Danny can't do. He's probably just talking down his abilities in the kitchen.

"Sure, I'd love to stay for dinner."

* * *

 

Turns out, Danny's really _not_ great at cooking. He actually sucks at it. I offer to help him out and after a few minutes, it's pretty clear who's better in the kitchen. I guess taking over for the cooking when mom was gone at work and after she left is finally paying off.

"Y-Yeah, well. It's hereditary, my mom is completely incapable of cooking a meal too," Danny mumbles, slinking off to place dishes in the sink. I suppress the laugh I immediately want to respond with and whistle innocently instead.

I give the steak and vegetables a stir before I slide over to the counter next to the stove, picking up the knife Danny was using to mutilate the onions. "You know you're supposed to chop these, right?" I question, glancing over my shoulder to look at him. He scoffs and crosses his arms but I catch the slight pink on his cheeks.

After the onions have been chopped, I add them to the stir-fry and mix it together before I turn the burner on low, leaving it to simmer for a few minutes. "Okay, that should be done in like five minutes." I can't help the grin on my face when I meet his gaze. "Impressed with my cooking skills?"

Danny rolls his eyes and turns his back to me, rinsing the dishes we used to chop the ingredients and stacking them in the dishwasher. He doesn't start it yet but he pushes the rack back into the dishwasher and closes it before he turns around to look at me.

"I guess," he says with a shrug but he's fighting back a smile. I can tell by the look on his face and the way he won't hold my gaze. Damn, he _is_ impressed with me. I kind of like the way that makes me feel. Like I'm finally someone worth being proud of or impressed by. It doesn't help that Danny's the one I've impressed. Even though we're just friends. Shit, do I want to _only_ be his friend?

* * *

 

We devour the food before we restore the kitchen back to its former glory. I've just finished wiping down the stove and counters when Danny's phone starts making an obnoxious sound. I guess we're both expecting his parents because his tone is surprised when he speaks.

"Um… it's my friend, Tucker. G-Gimme a second," he mumbles before letting out a breath. He slides his thumb across the screen, smiling a little when he speaks again. "Hey, Tuck."

Even from the distance between us, I can tell it's some kind of video call. There's a few things left out on the counter from our cooking and I busy myself with that, leaving Danny to his call.

His friend's voice fills the kitchen and for some reason, Danny's incredibly tense. Like he's just waiting for something to happen. _"Hey man. How're things going? Any-"_

"Everything's fine," Danny says, abruptly cutting his friend off. He glances in my direction before letting out a breath, turning his gaze back toward his phone. "Sorry, I'm not alone right now. We'll talk about it later, okay? How are things on your end?"

Silence fills the kitchen for a few seconds before his friend starts chatting away. _"So fucking sweet man. I went to a party last night and I think I've been born again. Seriously, this chick let me do body shots off her."_

I snort as Danny lets out a small laugh, glancing in my direction once before he's focused on his screen again. "Yeah? Do anything other than partying this weekend?"

Tucker laughs, the sound intermittent with static. _"Kind of. I did study for my next test which is like a week away. Sadly, after that I was out of shits to give so my paper still isn't finished."_ He lets out an exaggerated sigh and Danny laughs again.

"I'll give you some space," I quietly say and Danny responds with an apologetic smile. He really has nothing to be sorry about, it's his place. I just don't want to leave yet. Not when all I have to go back to is an empty house that holds way too many fucked-up memories.

_"Hey, who's with you?"_ Tucker asks and Danny hesitates a second before looking back at his screen. I wonder if Tucker can tell that Danny's face is turning pink.

"Um… Y-You remember Dash, right? Dash Baxter?" Danny asks softly, flicking his gaze in my direction. It surprises me how much I'm waiting on his friend's answer, already wondering what Danny's gonna say if Tucker does remember me but also hates me. I wouldn't blame him. I can only imagine what my friends have done in the past.

_"Dude, he's with you?"_ Tucker asks before laughing. _"That's so fucking weird to even think about like- Okay, I gotta see this. Give him your phone."_

Danny hesitates for a few seconds before he looks my way again, his face still pink. "D-Do you mind?" he asks softly, seeming torn between wanting to keep me from his friend and wanting me to handle it for him.

"No, it's fine," I say with a shrug. After a few seconds of hesitation, Danny extends the phone out toward me. I turn the screen to face me and a guy with glasses and a really dumb looking hat stares back at me. His face breaks into a grin instantly and he laughs, clapping his hands together.

_"Oh god, it really is you. Long time no see actually, I remember when I was almost your height before you shot up like a weed."_ Tucker's still snorting and Danny starts muttering under his breath but I don't catch any of it.

I focus on the screen again with a shrug. "Sorry, I don't really remember you that much. I just remember seeing you around Danny a couple times."

Tucker's not at all bothered by my shit memory, his voice never losing that hint of amusement. _"To be expected. I couldn't tell you half the names of your friends even though I was in a lot of your classes, too."_ There's a split second before he's grinning again. _"So, you've finally realized just how awesome my friend Danny is, huh?"_

Danny's face colors and he abruptly lunges for his phone, easily taking it from my loose grip. "Th-That's enough, Tucker. You've seen him and me, happy now?" he asks, sounding more like he wants to strangle his friend than anything else.

_"Alright man, chill. Call me later, okay? I'm in for the rest of the night so whenever you can talk, let me know."_ Tucker still sounds amused and Danny looks anything but. After he agrees to call Tucker later, he ends the video call.

It takes him a few seconds before he looks my way, an apology written all over his face. "I-I'm so sorry, he's not normally that obnoxious. H-He's usually pretty cool when I'm around other people but s-sometimes he just gets to talking and he doesn't stop and-"

"You don't have to apologize for him, he was fine," I respond, smiling when Danny looks uncertain. "Seriously, he seemed cool. I didn't have a problem with it at all."

Danny still seems unsure with my answer but he accepts it, nodding a few times before we both fall silent. We look around his kitchen, mostly trying to come up with something to talk about. I don't remember silence ever being this uncomfortable before but I can't come up with a way to break it.

"You uh…" Danny finds his voice before I do and glances toward me with a shrug. "Um, you wanna watch some television for a while?" His voice wavers a little on the question but it doesn't matter. Shit, he could suggest we sit in silence for six hours straight and I'd be down with that.

We end up sitting next to each other on a sofa in his living room, some kind of teenage romance flick on the television. I'm not paying attention to what's playing, even though my eyes are glued to the screen, and I don't think Danny cares about it either. We both have a hand on the center cushion of the sofa and every so often, one of us shifts ours slightly closer to each other's. I don't know if he's hoping to touch my hand the way I'm hoping to touch his but _fuck_ I wanna touch his hand.

At some point, we both stop inching toward each other but our hands still remain in the center cushion, just inches from each others. Like at any moment, we could reach over and take each other's hand. If I had the balls to do it, I'd take Danny's hand in a second.

The movie ends and I have no clue what it was even about. I think it was just the typical boy meets girl and falls in love type of flick but I don't remember even one second of it. I'm easily more interested in the feeling in the pit of my stomach when Danny turns to smile at me as the credits roll.

"Thanks for hanging out with me, I know you had better things to do," he says, ducking his head a little. Better things to do? Like what - being alone in my house for the night and eating a microwave meal for one? Pass.

"Nah, I really didn't have anything better to do… I-I had fun," I stammer out, giving Danny my best attempt at a smile. I'm sure it probably looks like I'm grimacing at him but I'm smiling. At least I hope I am.

Danny darts his gaze away from mine with a nod, standing up from the couch. "I'll uh… I'll walk you out then?" he asks, glancing toward me again as I get up. When I nod, he follows after me and together we head for his front door, stopping only to grab my backpack and shoes.

"Seriously though, thanks for hanging out with me. You didn't have to do that," Danny says, shrugging when I look at him. "And thanks for saving me from my shitty cooking."

That makes me laugh out loud and Danny responds with a grin. His cooking skills are non-existent and even though I'm nothing compared to Kwan's mom or Alex's, I'm still better than Danny. For some reason, that thought makes me ridiculously happy.

"Well, anytime you need me to save you again, call me," I say with a snort.

Danny rolls his eyes and tugs open the door. I follow him down the front steps and he walks to my car with me. I chuck my backpack onto the backseat and leave the door open as I turn around to look at Danny. God, his fucking oversized shirt is still driving me insane. The sun's almost gone now but I can still remember what his collarbones looked like and goddammit, I still want to feel them beneath my fingertips. And I don't even fucking care that it's not something a friend would think.

"Y-You're uh, you're still coming to the garage tomorrow, right? So I can show you stuff about cars?" I ask, hoping he hasn't changed his mind in the few hours we were together. It's not like I could blame him if he has. I'm not that easy to be around all the time and I can't imagine how he puts up with the tutoring sessions. Jesus, if I were him I'd probably just give up on me at this point.

"Yeah, totally," Danny responds, interrupting my spiraling thoughts. He folds his arms over his chest with a soft exhale. "I'll come around at five or so? You should be done with practice then, right?" he asks, taking a step closer to me.

I don't know how he expects me to give a response when he's standing so close to me that I can barely breathe. _Shit, be cool. You're gonna fuck this up if you don't fucking chill._

"Y-Yeah," I mumble when I finally find my voice again. It's weird not being able to talk normally with Danny. I've always had a problem with being nervous but I take it to an entirely different level around him.

"Actually tomorrow I've got a doctor's appointment so I won't be in English. I'll still come by the garage after I'm done though," Danny says, his stare lifting to the evening sky. A few stars are already out and the longer I stare at them, the more I'm reminded of Saturday morning. When he pointed out stars and held my hand as the scent of coffee drifted between us.

Danny steps closer to me but his gaze is still on the sky when I look at him. His shoulder brushes against mine as he leans in closer to me to point out a constellation. "See that thing that kinda looks like a teapot? That's Scorpius is next to it. The one that looks like a scorpion… o-obviously,"he says with a laugh and I can feel the vibrations through his shoulder brushing against mine. How am I supposed to focus on the stars when the only thing stopping our skin from touching is a layer of fabric? Shit, why am I wishing there wasn't even that between us?

"Sorry, I-I'm kind of a nerd about this stuff," Danny says softly, getting the wrong assumption from my silence. He glances toward me, shrugging one shoulder as he gives me an apologetic smile. "S-Seriously, feel free to tell me to shut up at any time."

I shake my head before he's even finished talking. I already know the answer, I can't tell Danny to shut up. I don't think I'm capable of telling him to. Even if I don't understand half of whatever the hell he's saying, I still like hearing him talk. I like hearing the happiness in his voice when he talks about the things he's passionate about. I like seeing the grin stretched across his face when he tells me shit about the stars in the sky or about things that just make him happy. God, I really like the way happy looks on him.

"Believe me, I have no problem telling people to shut up when they're boring me," I say, nudging Danny in the ribs with my elbow. "You're not boring me, I promise."

He smiles a little but rolls his eyes like he's not convinced. "Alright… I'll see you tomorrow then," he says, lifting his stare to mine after a few silent seconds pass between us. I don't know how long we look at each other but I when I finally look away, it feels like it should be awkward. My gut feels like someone released a flurry of butterflies in it but I try not to focus on that.

"Yeah, sure, tomorrow," I respond.

Danny stands outside his house while I get into my car and pull out of his driveway. He waves to me as I leave him standing there, even though it's the last thing I want to do. I'd rather spend the night with him and never go home again. But that's not something I can ask of him so I keep putting unwanted miles between us and head toward the house where I'm sleeping alone again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooooo! Thanks for coming back for another update from this angsty fic.
> 
> I'm definitely a broken record this week – not a lot of plot development happening this chapter. It's all very touchy-feely for these two… which in its own way IS developing the plot for the upcoming few chapters but overall… still slow in plot sense. I hope you guys are still enjoying it though.
> 
> Dash's growing crush is kinda obvious at this point, huh? The poor boy has no idea what he's getting into by falling for Danny. (though let's be honest, the sex is gonna be mind-blowing ;p)
> 
> Tuuuuuucker!!! He's finally made an appearance! (Okay, an on-screen appearance but STILL!) I know a lot of you were hoping that at least one of Danny's friends would show up so I hope you've enjoyed that Tucker finally did. Any thoughts on his brief interaction with Danny and Dash?
> 
> I love reading your thoughts on all these characters. I'm really loving the split between the love/hate responses Paulina's getting. I don't want to give anything away but I hope that some of you change your mind as the story progresses… cause I feel really strong one way but I won't say which ;P (even though I'm sure I said something in a past author's note that gives my stance away lmao)
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from 'Wonder' by Lauren Aquilina. It's such a Stay song and though I see it more from Danny's POV than Dash's, I felt like the line I chose for this chapter fits pretty well either way.
> 
> If you're not following me on tumblr, you haven't seen it but I posted a teaser for this chapter and I'll probably occasionally do that again for future chapters. So if you're interested in seeing stuff like that, check it out
> 
> Thanks again for reading this week's update, your thoughts and comments are always appreciated so please leave them! I'll see you guys next week with more of this angst!


	41. Not The Way That Friends Behave

The garage is sweltering when I clock in on Tuesday. Anastasia's wearing a tank-top that shows off the top of her back tattoo, which I think is some kind of quote or phrase in Spanish, and her hair's pulled up on the top of her head. She looks ten million shades of pissed off when I show up.

"Hey, what am I doing today?" I ask, noting the general irritation written on Anastasia's face. Alex can get annoyed sometimes at work but overall, if someone's pissed off about a situation, it's usually Anastasia.

She meets my gaze and the look in her eyes reads 'don't ask'. My coworker Stephen is behind her, working on a Nissan Quest, and he glances up at me before shaking his head. Guess that means I really shouldn't ask. Good to know.

Anastasia sighs, running a hand through her hair before she gestures toward a Chrysler two bays down from where we're standing. "Start there. Needs an oil change and tire rotation. Keith called out of work tonight so I need you on until closing." Anastasia makes a face like the last thing she wants is to force me to stay until closing time but I don't mind. It's not like there's anything important waiting for me at home.

"That's fine," I say with a shrug, moving toward the car just as her phone rings. I can hear her voice distantly but as she moves further away, it's hard to make out individual words. She stops by the office, hovering outside for a few seconds before she disappears inside, her phone still pressed to her ear. I've never seen her look this stressed out before. Pissed as hell? Happens all the time. Stressed? That's usually reserved for Alex.

Stephen lets out a whistle. "Dude, you should have seen her earlier, she was so riled up. I seriously thought she was gonna rip a customer's head off with just her bare hands and some channel locks." He slams the lid closed on the car and swings a grease-stained rag over one shoulder.

"What's going on?" I ask, turning to face him. He shrugs one shoulder before turning his back to me, gathering up his tools, and I guess he knows as much as I do. I really hope it's nothing serious… Anastasia's usually always in a teasing mood even when she's pissed off. It's weird to see her so serious, that's normally Alex's job.

I recognize the car Stephen's working on and the familiar blonde driver comes bounding out of the waiting room with two soda cans in her hand. Star grins when she sees me, tossing one of the cans my way and passing the other off to Stephen.

"Hey, you _finally_ showed up for work. Now Stephen can stop bitching about how busy it is here," Star says with a teasing lilt to her voice. Stephen rolls his eyes but doesn't deny that he was definitely bitching about me.

I crack open the soda and take a long drink before I pull away with a grin. "Yeah, well. The greatest mechanic alive has now clocked in so he can rest easy."

Stephen snorts, flipping me the bird. "Kiss my ass, Baxter."

Star's grinning as she looks between us and comes over to my bay when Stephen slides under her car again. She takes up the stool in the workspace, swinging her legs back and forth like a child as she watches me set out various tools that I'll need for the tire rotation.

"How's your day going?" Star asks, tugging her phone from her pocket.

I shrug, digging through the toolbox to find the oil wrench. "Good. Coach was impressed with a play I made." I find the oil wrench wrapped up in a rag and I easily separate the two. "Algebra wasn't nearly as terrible as usual cause Danny's a fucking godsend with this subject."

Star makes a soft noise, raising an eyebrow when I look at her. "Danny, huh? Yeah, he's… really smart." She drops her gaze to her phone for a second before looking up at me with a small smile. "He gave me some really good advice about how to help Derek when we were at the beach last month and… it seems to be paying off."

Oh yeah… They were talking at the beach, I remember that. Star's never been one to casually talk about her brother's insomnia but that's the only advice I can think of that Danny could offer. Though… since he's offering advice about insomnia, I wonder if he has personal experience with it…

I want to ask Star if Danny told her anything about dealing with it himself or if he just knows people that have but I can't find a way to phrase it. Other things nag at me and I chew on the words for a few long moments of silence before I find the balls to talk.

"Hey… Star?" I ask, barely glancing her way before I'm focused on the tools again. She lifts her gaze from her phone screen and watches me while I drag in a breath. "Um… at the beach…"

I trail my fingers along a wrench for a second or two before I look at her. "You told me… to be careful with Danny… you said that he might not be who I think he is. What… What'd you mean by that?"

Star pushes a breath out, pocketing her phone again. She runs a hand through her hair before she shakes her head. "Nothing, it's just… some things I've heard Roxane say about him." She shrugs like that's it but it can't be.

"Yeah? What'd she tell you?" I ask, abandoning my tools altogether. I lean against the front of the car I'm supposed to be working on.

"Nothing, she just…" Star trails off, shaking her head. "I don't know, she said she used to be in a couple classes with him and that he'd lie all the time about what he did over the weekend or who he hung out with." She shrugs. "You know Roxane though, that could be an exaggeration."

I really fucking hope it is. I don't think Danny's a liar… aside from the fact that I'm still pretty sure he's been lying about the shit his parents have done to him. Still… he doesn't strike me as someone that's capable of lying about everyday shit.

Star leaves the stool, offering up a smile as she passes by me. "I'll see you tomorrow, Dash," she says before she's heading toward the register where Stephen's waiting to ring her up.

Almost as soon as she leaves the shop, I hear a car engine rev behind me. I glance up at the noise and Alex climbs out of his car, slamming the door closed behind him. He doesn't bother locking it up before he's heading inside. He glances my way once before coming to a stop on the other side of the Chrysler I'm setting up to work on.

"Did Anastasia talk to you already?" he asks, glancing around the garage. He and his sister both seem pretty wound up and though I want to know what the hell's going on, I don't think he wants to tell me. I just work here, it's none of my business if something's wrong. Though that's not entirely true… Alex is way more than just my boss to me.

I flip the lid of my toolbox closed again before I nod. "Yeah, she told me that Keith called out of work so I'm supposed to stay until closing time." I tighten my hand around a wrench before loosening my grip as I let out a breath. "Is something wrong?"

Alex meets my gaze and though he shakes his head, his smile tells me a completely different story. "No, everything's fine. Don't worry about staying until closing. Just do what you want and leave whenever, alright? I'll pay you for the full shift, don't worry." He reaches out and pats me on the shoulder, that fake smile still in place, before he turns around and heads for the office.

I watch him go before I glance in Stephen's direction. He looks just as confused as I do but we don't say anything more. We fall silent as he continues gathering up his tools and I start setting mine out. I debate on starting with the tire rotation first but I decide on changing the oil.

"Hey," someone says from behind me and when I turn to look, I expect Stephen, or maybe even Alex. But it's Danny staring back at me. He's smiling but it's a shy sort of smile. Like maybe he's worried about how today's gonna go. Hell, _I'm_ worried about how today's gonna go.

It takes me a few seconds before I realize I haven't said anything back, all of my great responses in my head alone, and I stumble over the few words I choose to go with. "H-Hey, man. How'd… it go at… the doctor's?"

A strange expression passes over his face as he steps closer to me, his gaze darting to my toolbox before he's looking at me again with another smile. "It went fine." He crosses his arms, his smile widening a little before he speaks again. "What about you? How's your day been?"

I don't feel like my day's really started until right now. When he's talking and I'm listening. Sh-Shit, that sounds weird. That's definitely not what friends think about each other. Goddammit, why do I have to be just friends with him?

"Ha… uh.. f-fine," I respond, scratching the back of my head as I look around for my shop creeper. I try not to think about what Star said about him and instead, I just focus on _him_. Which doesn't really help cause Danny makes me nervous. Man, I really hope I don't fuck up today like I did last time he was here. I want to prove to him that I can do stuff right sometimes. "I made an uh… I made a decent play during practice today, Coach was impressed," I tell him, finally spying my creeper, several spaces over from where I normally leave it. Danny's quiet as I grab it but he speaks as soon as I turn back to him.

"Sounds like your day's been pretty good so far." He crosses in front of me and sinks down on the stool while I set about jacking the car up. "Hopefully, I won't do something to ruin it for you," he says with a small laugh and I don't think he has any clue that he can only ever make my day better. Shit, am I really being that lame?

I sink down onto my creeper, gesturing to the table behind Danny. "Will you hand me that rag?"

He glances at the table before leaning forward to grab it, passing it off to me with a smile. "You know… I wouldn't mind if this kinda became our thing. I-I tutor you one night and you show me stuff about cars the next day," he says, propping his elbows onto his knees as he watches me.

There's something about his posture that reminds me of that oversized t-shirt he was wearing yesterday and I pretty much hate myself for thinking about it at all. Cause it only reminds me of his collarbones and of standing in his driveway as his shoulder brushed against mine, his soft voice telling me things about stars that would bore me coming from anyone else but god, coming from him, they were the most fascinating things in the world.

"I-I… wouldn't mind that either. And… we both know I could use the tutoring," I respond, doing my best to sound casual as I give him what I'm sure is a really shitty smile. He doesn't say anything about it so I take that as a good sign and slide underneath the car. "So, today's problem is just changing out the oil which I can't really show you cause I don't have another creeper. But after this, I gotta rotate the tires out so I'll show you how to do that."

My hands are sweaty as I use the oil wrench to loosen the cap but I manage to loosen it with only a little bit of a struggle. I slide a container under the cap before I twist it off the rest of the way, the scent of oil permeating the rest of the garage as soon as it starts emptying out of the car.

"Wait a second. You actually traded your knowledge of all things cars for tutoring lessons?" Stephen asks with a laugh as I slide out from under the car. He meets my gaze when I look at him and the amusement is clear on his features. "That's not even fair, your knowledge is far superior than lessons on a school subject."

I roll my eyes as I stand. "Yeah, well. You've never seen Danny in action before. It's more than an even trade," I respond, glancing toward Danny. His face is flushed but he's smiling at least. God, he looks so fucking adorable when he's embarrassed. If a painter wanted to capture the perfect blush, they'd only need to look at Danny's face for a few seconds to memorize it. I know I have already.

"Man, come on. Experience trumps knowledge, Baxter," Stephen says, sinking down on the stool one bay over from where Danny and I are. He slides his phone from the pocket of his uniform and glances over the screen for a second before pocketing it again, addressing Danny when he speaks. "What are you tutoring him in anyway?"

Danny's face is still flushed when I look at him and he won't meet my gaze. "A-Algebra," he says softly, glancing up at Stephen after a few seconds. "He's not actually that bad at it… he just gets confused sometimes."

Stephen rolls his eyes with a snort, standing up from the stool. "Yeah, right. That's just the nice way of saying he's a bone head." He starts going through his toolbox again and I'm pretty sure most of the oil is drained at this point.

"I just gotta put the new oil can on, won't take long," I tell Danny, plopping down onto my creeper again, one hand around the oil can. I slide underneath the car and I fidget with a few bolts on the underside for a few seconds before I screw the new canister on.

In the back of my mind, I think I know that the groaning I'm hearing isn't from the oil can but from the car itself. I don't think it hits me that the car is falling until the shrieking sound of metal scraping metal fills my ears. Danny screams my name, the sound ringing out through the shop before I have time to register that the car is actually crashing down toward my face.

Danny's hand around my ankle is the only thing I feel and I blink in the sudden brightness of the shop. I feel cold suddenly and yet, there's something warm on my forehead. I'm staring up at the ceiling of the shop instead of the underside of a car and Danny's hand is clenched so tightly around my ankle, I know it's gonna bruise.

"D-Dash, are you okay?" Danny asks, suddenly beside me. His hands are trembling and he presses one to my forehead, making a strangled noise when he touches the warmth. When he pulls his hand away, I catch the sight of red before he can hide it. Shit, I'm bleeding?

Stephen's voice rings out in the shop, quieter than Danny's was when he yelled my name but still almost deafening to me. "What the fuck, Baxter? Why the hell didn't you put this car on stands? You got a death wish or some shit?"

_Stands..?_

I blink up at the two of them, trying to remember the last thing that happened before the car almost crushed my face. "Uh…" I barely remember anything about the last few minutes but I feel like I would remember putting the car on jack stands like it's supposed to and… I don't remember doing that at all.

"Dash, look at me, are you okay?" Danny asks, his voice sounding more panicky the longer I stare up at them without speaking more than one syllable. I can't string together more than one word, my brain a complete jumble.

Stephen comes to stand beside Danny, his arms folded across his chest as he stares down at me, and I flit my gaze between the two of them. Jesus, I can't speak at all, the words are just stuck in my head.

"What's going on?" Alex's voice has joined in now and after a few seconds, he steps into my vision, staring down at me with concern etched into his features. Danny shakily explains about the car and how I managed to slide out from under it in time but… I don't remember sliding out at all. All I remember is the feeling of Danny's hand around my ankle.

Alex kneels down next to me, brushing hair away from my temple. "Stephen, go to the office and tell Anastasia to bring the medical kit." Alex meets my gaze again, letting out a breath. "Dash? Are you okay?"

I think I'm okay. I mean, I'm still breathing so I think I'll be fine. But damn that could have been so much worse. Not that my face is anything to write home about but god, I couldn't imagine if it ended up being permanently smushed in. I'd look like one of those pug dogs.

"Y-Yeah… I think so…" I mumble, looking between Danny and Alex before I swallow, the sound loud in the silence of the shop. Shit, did that actually just happen? Was I almost crushed by the car and the only thing that stopped me was Danny pulling me out in time?

Alex helps me sit up, one arm around my back to steady me. "Don't move too much, Dash… you're still bleeding."

I move a hand up to touch my forehead but Danny grabs my hand in his trembling fingers, dragging mine away from my head. There's a mixture of concern and fear on his face and he looks like he's seconds away from puking.

"P-Probably shouldn't touch it," he mumbles, bringing my hand back down to my lap. I let his fingers slide in between mine and I hold his gaze for as long as he lets me. Which is all of three seconds because Anastasia and Stephen are back with the medical kit.

Anastasia passes it off to Alex before she nods toward me, folding her arms over her chest. "What'd you do, squirt?"

Normally, I'd probably react to the nickname, especially considering she's calling me it in front of Danny but I don't care right now. Cause I can still feel Danny's fingers in mine and damn, he's shaking hard. I didn't mean to scare him or anyone really.

"A car almost fell on me," I respond and Anastasia's eyebrows rise on her forehead. She glances toward Stephen and he scoffs, apparently deeming me well enough to take a punch on the shoulder.

"This damn idiot didn't put the car on stands while he was changing the oil," he says, crossing his arms as he continues. "I've told him a million times to pay attention when he's working but you know how he can be sometimes. Just gets lost in his own little world and-"

Stephen stops suddenly and when I tear my gaze away from his, I realize why. Alex is staring at me, his expression unreadable as he reaches out to me, his grip firm on my shoulder. "Dash," he says, no hint of lightness to his tone. I feel my stomach crawl up my ass and shoot out again before he speaks. "Why didn't you use stands?"

Jesus, like I did it on purpose? Why would I willingly let a car fall on my face?

"I-I forgot," I mumble, somehow still holding Alex's gaze. He could drill holes into a brick wall with his stare right now and I hate being on the receiving end of it. Danny squeezes my hand in some kind of reassurance but it doesn't do much with his hand trembling the way it is.

Alex finally looks away from me and digs through the medical kit, opening up an alcohol pad before he looks at me again. He closes one hand around my chin and turns my face the way he needs it to be before he uses the pad to clear away some of the blood. I didn't expect it to sting like a bitch and the inhale I take is a little more pained than I wanted it to sound.

"Sorry," Alex says, swiping the pad a little gentler the second time. After a third pass, the blood is cleared away but he and Anastasia both seem concerned about how fast blood is rushing to the surface again.

Danny's hand is still shaking but his voice sounds stronger than I expected it to. "Do you think he needs to get stitches?" he asks, glancing between Anastasia and Alex, who both look like they forgot he was even here.

Alex shakes his head, applying a butterfly closure to one end of the wound. "No." He applies a second and third closure before he deems it okay. After a few seconds of looking the injury over again, he glances toward Danny, shaking his head again. "No. It's a head injury so it's expected to bleed a lot. We only have to be concerned if the bleeding won't stop," he says, looking my way again.

"If anyone's gonna be the overachiever and need stitches, it's gonna be Dash and you know it," Anastasia says, grinning when I look her way. She hesitates a second before the grin slips away and she nods toward me again. "You feeling okay?"

I nod. "Yeah, I'm good… I wasn't finished though…" I mumble, glancing back toward the car.

"Well you are now," Alex responds, fixing me with a stare when I start to argue. "Dash. I'm not letting you back under a car right now," he says, standing up. He reaches down and pats my shoulder. "Seriously, you're done for the night."

He holds his hand out toward me and I take it, Danny and I standing up together. Our hands are still linked but from the way we're standing, the only one that would be able to tell is Alex and he doesn't say anything about it.

"I don't want you going home yet," Alex says, glancing toward Danny after a few seconds of silence. "Do you think you could stay with him for a little while? Ana and I…" He glances toward his sister with a soft exhale. "Have to finish up a few things but I can take him home after that."

I scoff, shaking my head when Alex looks back at me. "No, Danny can go home. And I can take _myself_ home, Alex. I'll text you to let you know I got home safe, okay? I'll even-"

"Yeah, I can stay with him," Danny responds, like I'm not standing right here. He squeezes my hand when I look in his direction but he won't meet my gaze. Ugh, is he for fucking real? He's just gonna do what Alex asks him to? Just cause I scraped my head a little?

Alex relaxes, nodding immediately. "Alright, I'll come find you when I'm finished." He looks toward Stephen, passing the medical kit off to Anastasia again. "Stephen, will you grab some stuff from the vending machines for them?"

"I'm _fine_ ," I stress but he doesn't listen to me, completely ignoring my voice as he continues rattling off directions to my coworker, something about adrenaline and needing food and _whatever_. "Seriously, my head doesn't even hurt. Look at least let me finish the car, alright? I'll be careful, I promise."

Alex turns back to me, shaking his head. "No, I'll handle the car tomorrow. You just sit down somewhere and take it easy." He gestures to the waiting area and Danny immediately begins leading me toward it. Ugh, damn all of them for being concerned about me. It's not like the injury was that bad. Alex even said I didn't need stitches.

"This is bullshit," I mumble as Danny pulls me toward the waiting area. Anastasia and Alex disappear inside the office again and Stephen beats us to the room mainly cause Danny's pulling me along like I'm eighty years old and I have trouble crossing the street on my own.

Stephen hands off two sodas when Danny and I settle down in the waiting area. "Here, try not to hurt yourself again, Alex might have my head," he says with a smirk and I respond with the middle finger, which only makes him laugh. Damn it, I just want to finish the car, I'm capable of doing that much at least.

"H-Here, let me help you." Danny reaches to take the can from me, like I'm incapable of doing this simple task on my own. I don't need anybody's help opening up a damn soda.

"I got it," I respond, opening the can before I look at him again. "See?" I take a sip from it and he fidgets next to me, keeping silent as his hand trembles around his own can. He won't look at me and I can't help but feel like an ass. He's only trying to help.

Danny starts when I put my hand on top of his, stopping his soda from shaking. We hold each other's gaze as I set my can on the floor and pull his from his hand. I didn't need his help but he clearly needs mine. "Let me do it," I say, popping the top with the side of my thumb. The fizz reaches the top of the opening but it doesn't overflow. After a second of watching the retreating cola, I hand the can off to Danny.

His fingers tremble when he takes it from me and we quietly sip from our drinks in the silence. I guess I'm just supposed to wait around for Alex to take me home but Danny can go at any time, there's no need for him to hang around and waste his evening.

"You can go if you want to," I say with a sigh, running a hand through my hair. This is complete bullshit but there's no reason we both have to suffer through the boredom of hanging around until Alex is ready to take me home.

Danny shifts a little in his chair but he doesn't make a move to leave and I guess part of me is glad that he's not going anywhere. His hand is still shaking around his soda and I wish there was something I could say to help him. Shit, I don't even know how to help _myself_ but there's gotta be some way I can reach him.

"Wanna talk about what's bothering you?" I ask, meeting his gaze when he looks my way. He shakes his head slowly and looks away almost as quickly as he looked at me. I can't help but feel like whatever's bothering him has something to do with me. I'm sure he has a bunch of other shit on his mind but he wasn't shaking before the car nearly fell on me. Maybe it just shook him up but something is nagging at me, telling me that it's more than that.

Just as I've mustered up the courage to talk, fill the silence so he'll get distracted and start to feel normal again and the shakiness will subside, Danny puts his hand on my knee. His touch is warm and though I start a little at the suddenness of his hand, I don't flinch away from him.

He exhales out heavily before speaking, his voice shaking on the few words. "I-I'm glad… y-you're okay, Dash," he whispers in the near silence and shivers crawl up my spine. The tone of Danny's voice is borderline terrified and I don't know how to help him now.

"Me too," I respond softly, shifting just far enough to place my hand over top of his. He doesn't flinch like I expected him to. He barely reacts at all so I don't pull back. "I would've looked fugly with a pug face," I mumble.

Danny's quiet next to me but he finally looks my way, his expression stuck somewhere around confused as hell. "What?" His eyebrows are drawn downward and I'm so focused on that little strip of skin between his brows that's creased with his expression, I almost forget that he spoke at all.

"Y'know, cause their faces are smushed in," I respond, shrugging a little when he blinks at me. "I don't know man, it was the first thing that came to mind." Once the car was hurtling toward my face, everything else kinda left my brain.

He's silent at first but he presses the back of his hand to his mouth to stifle laughter, the skin around his eyes crinkling up as he holds my gaze. I grin and he can't hold back the laughter anymore, the sound filling the waiting area and quickly becoming infectious. Within a matter of seconds, we're both laughing and I don't think it's just cause of the shitty joke. I think we're both pretty relieved that the worst that happened to me was a scrape on my forehead.

* * *

 

Stephen checks in with us before he leaves but by seven thirty, Danny and I are alone. When the silence falls over us after my coworker leaves, I guess we're both expecting it to be awkward as hell cause we start talking at once.

Danny smiles and I'm a little star struck by how cute his smile is. "You go first," he says, the smile never leaving his face. Shit, I forgot what I was gonna say, I'm too focused on that expression he's wearing instead. I don't think I remember my own name.

"U-Uh… I was just gonna ask h-how your head is," I mumble. He's got a bandage over the area that he cut on Saturday but it's not the one I put on him. This one has some kind of superhero on it and Danny's face flushes when I lean closer to look at it.

With a shaky hand, I trace the edge of the bandage with my index finger and Danny lets me. He leans in to the touch and his eyes fall closed. My heart is beating so fucking loudly in my own ears, I can barely hear anything else.

Danny draws in a breath and he looks up at me, bright eyes shining as he speaks. "I-It's feeling better," he says, his voice practically a whisper in the quiet of the waiting area. Even though I've stilled my hand on his forehead, I can't bring myself to pull away.

We hold each other's gaze and I don't miss the slight flush to his cheeks. His swallow is loud in the silence and I only drop my hand from his forehead cause I'm dangerously close to kissing him. And I can't do that. I have no idea if he'd even like kissing me or if he'd like kissing guys at all and I can't r-

I think for a second my heart stops. Like actually, physically stops beating. It's the only way to explain the complete cold that rushes through me. I have no idea if Danny likes the idea of kissing guys… but I'm apparently okay with it. Sh-Shit, am I… _gay?_

"Is something wrong?" Danny asks softly and I can't bring myself to look at him. I guess it hasn't hit me until right now but holy fucking shit, I actually like Danny. And he's a guy. I don't know what the fuck that makes me but it sure as hell isn't straight.

I shake my head as I pull away from him, wishing I had some kind of explanation to give Danny – something that didn't make me sound like a loser or the truth, which is that I'm suddenly questioning my sexuality. Shit, I don't even know where to start with this. I like Danny. A whole fucking lot. But maybe everyone goes through this once in their lives? Maybe everyone has a moment where they suddenly start to question things but turns out, they're still straight.

Danny's hand covers mine and I know I jump at the touch. I don't understand why it's suddenly hitting me but I want Danny in every way that I can have him and I guess that makes me gay. I don't know if I want to be gay but I want Danny.

"Dash, what's wrong?" he asks, his voice soft on my name. I want to hear him repeat it a thousand times. Hear him whisper my name. Sing it, stutter it, fucking _moan_ it. I want my name to be the first thing his lips speak every morning and I want it to be like that cause I wanna be the one he wakes up next to.

I lift my gaze to the ceiling like I'm hoping for some kind of higher power to help me out of this… then again, I doubt any higher power would be interested in helping out a fucked-up football player that might possibly play for the other team. The silence is crushing and it's still just me and Danny. I don't know how to even begin processing my feelings for him and his touch on my skin isn't helping.

Danny exhales shakily when I pull my hand away from him and I wish there was a way to let him know that it's not him. It's me. It's fucking me and my inability to realize how I feel until the moment when I should have it already figured out.

"Sh-Should I be worried about you?" Danny asks softly and I shake my head. There's no need for him to be concerned about me. I'm just a dick who doesn't know how I feel about other people. It's not Danny's fault that he's the one I haven't decided about.

He hesitates but places a hand on my cheek, turning my face toward him. "Is it your mom?" he asks, eyebrows drawn down in concern. Fuck, I wish it was. I never thought I'd long for the times when mom was the cause of my angst. But I'd kill for her disappearing act to be the reason I'm retreating inside myself.

I hate lying to Danny but I can't stop myself from nodding. It's easier than telling the truth and it's not like I'm hurting anyone. Danny tsks softly and shakes his head. After a second or two of silence, he gently pulls me toward him and I let him guide me into his arms. My chin rests on his shoulder and he rubs my back. I hate myself for how much I love being in this position with Danny. It's not fair of me to let him hold me like this when it's only a hug to him.

My eyes fall closed and Danny whispers softly that everything's gonna be okay. My heart wants his words to be the truth and I don't know when it got so easy to lie to myself. Cause he keeps holding me and I convince myself that everything will work out. Maybe the things I feel are normal and maybe it means I'm gay… I don't care in this moment. Cause this moment is being in Danny's arms. And Danny's arms are the most comforting place I've ever been.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm such a tease
> 
> Yoooo! How's your week been? Happy to have you back for another update in this angsty and shippy as fuck fic. I've been reading your comments and reviews these past few days and they mean the world to me. Thank you for sticking with this project
> 
> First things first, Dash has finally reached the point of realizing he has a little thing for Danny… and that it miiiiiight mean he's not entirely straight anymore… this poor boy. All he wanted was a chill senior year and a couple of football games. What he got instead was the biggest crush on the biggest nerd ever
> 
> Dash is struggling with the thought of liking Danny but more with the thought of being gay - cause with a father like his, he doesn't think he has another choice than to just be straight. More of Dash's thoughts and beliefs about himself are going to come out in the next few chapters and I'm looking forward to reading your reactions to those parts
> 
> So the car almost falling on Dash… I'm not even gonna say anything about this one, I'm just waiting for what you guys have to say about it. (I lied, I will say this: protective and caring Alex is the best) What about the way Alex and Anastasia were acting? Any speculations there?
> 
> This week's chapter title comes from Vance Joy's 'From Afar'. If you haven't heard it, consider giving it a listen, it's definitely worth checking out - and it reminds me of the way Dash sees Danny
> 
> That's pretty much all I have to say for this week (woooo actual plot development!) I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and if you did – consider letting me know in the reviews/comments?
> 
> I hope you're having a great day and I'll see you guys next chapter!


	42. I Don't Want You To Go But I Want You So

Sometimes I like to think that I'm not completely selfish. I'm able to fool myself into believing that deep down, I'm a pretty decent person. But the longer I let Danny hold me, the less I feel like a decent person and the more I just feel like shit. It's not his job to help me through this gay panic.

I put unwanted distance between us after a few minutes and it's like the awkward is hanging in the air. Neither of us want the space to be here but it has to be. I'll do something stupid if our bodies are touching.

"I should head out of here," I mumble, rising from my chair. Fuck what Alex thinks, I'm going home. I've hit my head dozens of times in the past, this isn't anything new. I can't stay so close to Danny right now, not while my chest is still constricting every time I look at him.

Danny stands when I do, his hand immediately looping around my inner elbow. His touch really isn't helping and he mistakes my sigh as a sign that he can convince me. "D-Dash, you can't drive yourself home," he says, tugging on my arm until I look at him.

I'm completely capable of driving myself home, this isn't the first time I've driven after some kind of head trauma. It barely hurts now and I just need space. And if I don't go now, Alex will come out of the office and he won't let me get in my car.

"Danny, I need to go," I respond, trying to pull my arm from his grip. He must have anticipated my reaction because he keeps a firm hold as he shakes his head. _Christ, Danny. I don't want to leave you either but I can't be around you._

He looks pretty determined to keep me here even when I pull against his arm again and I let out another sigh. _Please don't make this any harder than it already is._ "C-Come on, just let me go," I mumble, weakly pulling against him. It's not his fault that I'm about three seconds away from freaking out over the fact that we're both guys and I don't want to just be his friend.

Danny shakes his head, practically driving his heels into the ground to keep me rooted in place. "N-No. Alex said-"

"Fuck what Alex said," I respond, managing to catch him off guard enough to pull my arm away from him. Danny just stares at me, maybe still processing my words, but he doesn't say anything. His few seconds of hesitation gives me the perfect window to walk away from him but the most I can do is take a step backward. I don't want to leave Danny yet but I can't think so close to him.

He reaches a hand out toward me but he doesn't make contact. I don't know how to tell if I'm disappointed that I don't get to feel his fingertips against my skin again or grateful because it lets me think straight for a minute. Well… not _straight_ but…

"D-Dash, please don't," Danny whispers, his voice quivering. I hate the way that the sound makes me want to stay. I don't even care what he asks of me, as long as his voice doesn't break on my name again.

I could easily give in but it's not fair to keep hanging around him when I feel this way. I'm his friend. But I don't want to be _just_ his friend. And I have no fucking clue what it means about me or if I'm interested in all guys or just him.

The door to the office opens and we both turn to the noise. Anastasia and Alex are quiet as they leave, talking in low voices as Alex locks the office behind them again. He tucks his keys into his pocket again before glancing toward me and Danny. He doesn't look our way for long, focusing on his sister again when she starts to talk. They're too far away for me to make out anything they're saying but judging from Alex's expression, I highly doubt it's anything they want to share.

"Please don't," Danny whispers and suddenly my attention is on him again. He takes a small step toward me and grabs my hand in his. I can feel the flush across my skin but if he's noticed, he doesn't say anything. "I'll be worried about you if you go home by yourself."

Shit. I really don't want to be the cause of Danny's worry. He probably does that enough with whatever's going on in his life… I really shouldn't add to it. Even though I could walk away and text him when I get home so he knows I'm safe, I can't bring myself to leave. Too many questions are crowding in my mind and I can't stop myself from spilling one into the air between us.

"How'd you stop the car?" I ask, my voice a hell of a lot stronger than I thought it would be. Danny's eyes widen and his hand falls slack in mine. Fear is quickly taking over his expression and he darts his gaze away from mine. I tug on his hand again and he briefly meets my gaze before glancing over my shoulder. "Don't worry, they're too far away to hear you."

Danny shakes his head, a breath leaving him. "I d-didn't stop the car, Dash." He won't look at me as he speaks and from the way his fingers are trembling, I know he's lying.

"That car should have crushed me," I respond, running my thumb over the back of his hand. I shouldn't be pushing him like this. I don't want him to disappear on me again like he did after I pushed him for answers about his parents. I should just shut up but I can't. "What'd you do?"

He won't look at me but his expression is borderline panicked as he tries to pull his hand from mine. "D-Dash, I didn't do _anything_ , okay? Y-You had a lucky b-break…"

"Danny, I should have died or at _least_ gotten seriously hurt," I say and he finally meets my gaze again. I wasn't really expecting his eyes to be filled with tears but they are. And I fucking hate the sight of it. He should never look like that, _god no, I'm sorry._

My heart is wrapped around my esophagus as he draws in a stuttering breath and nothing else matters. The only thing I'm focused on is that one lone tear making its way down his cheek.

"I-I didn't do an-anything," he whispers, his eyes falling closed. A second tear joins the first, and I can't help but watch them both race down his cheeks. Shit. I pushed him to this point again. Why do I do this? And why the hell can't he tell me the truth? What's so awful that he can't tell me?

I'm frozen, watching him try to hold himself together, and still clinging to his hand. His fingers are trembling a little but it's mostly his breathing that's fucked. He's drawing in oxygen like he's drowning and I fucking hate this. I can't stand that I've done this to him again. Christ, I didn't mean to push him this hard. I never meant to drive him away, I-

Danny pushes away from me, sliding his hand out of mine more easily than I thought he'd be able to. He wipes at his eyes with one hand and starts for the exit. It's like I'm watching him in slow motion until it all hits me.

"H-Hey, wait!" I run after him before I even think it through, easily catching up in a few seconds. I can't let him just walk away after what happened. I pushed him last time and I let him go, I can't do it again. "Danny, wait, come on." I put my hand on his shoulder and he spins around to face me. His eyes are still spilling over and I just want to reach out and wipe every goddamn tear away. I feel like I'm choking just watching him struggle like this.

"D-Dash, y-you have a problem b-believing people," he manages, fresh tears running down his cheeks again. He sniffles loudly and I know Anastasia and Alex are watching us now. "I-I didn't do anything to the c-car, okay? You just ha-have to believe me."

Shit, I hate the tremor in his voice. I can't stand seeing him panic like this. I want to believe him but he wouldn't be this terrified if he hadn't done something to it. I don't even fucking care what he did, I just want him to stop panicking.

"O-Okay, alright…" I take one of his hands in mine and I don't let him pull away even when he tries to. "I'm sorry, okay? I believe you," I lie, squeezing his hand gently. He won't look at me at first but I'm insistent and when he finally does, his eyes are still filled with tears. He doesn't look as scared as before but there's still hesitation in his every move.

Danny pulls his hand from mine and there's a split second of hesitation before he puts his shaky hand on my shoulder. His fingers curl around the fabric of my shirt and he tugs me toward him. It takes me a second before I realize what he's doing but as soon as his other hand loops around my back, I'm pulling him into my arms and crushing him against my chest.

His head rests perfectly against my shoulder and I don't think either one of us were expecting this to feel so right. Shit, I want to hate myself for loving the way he feels in my arms but I can't bring myself to. Not while he quietly sniffles and I rub circles on his back. I can't hate myself for something that feels this fucking perfect.

It feels like we should be talking, or at least like I should apologize again… but I don't want to break the silence. He moves his hands up higher on my back, curling his fingers around my shirt, and I swear, my heart jumps. His breath hits my neck when he turns his head and I can't stop the sharp inhale I make.

Danny pulls away just far enough to look at my face, keeping his hands on my back. I almost smile at him but my heart's pounding in my ears and I can't think. Danny's eyebrows draw down and he blinks up at me. Fuck, he's adorable with that look on his face.

"Your heart's beating like crazy," he says, his voice barely above a whisper. I don't know how to tell him that my heart's pounding because he's in my arms. That doesn't exactly sound like something a friend would say.

I let out a breath, the butterflies in my stomach going fucking nuts. He still holds my gaze and I want to look away but I can't. We're so close and I hate that my gaze darts to his lips the second he bites his bottom one. Shit, I want to kiss him. Make him forget that I was pushing him or that he was ever crying.

"Sorry," I mumble, not entirely sure what I'm apologizing for. My eyes fall closed when he shakes his head and he pulls away more, sliding his hands onto my shoulders again. We stand in silence for a few seconds before I open my eyes again.

Danny's expression is twisted up with concern and he looks like the last thing he wants me to do is apologize. He moves one hand down to mine, keeping the other curled around my shoulder. I open and close my mouth, not entirely sure what I want to say, but he keeps me from having to come up with something.

"You don't have to apologize," he whispers, sniffling a little in the silence. My hands are still resting comfortably on his lower back but I move one to wipe away a tear on his face. The pad of my thumb trips over a scar in his cheek and his eyes flutter closed. _Shit, I want to kiss him._

He opens his eyes again and gives me a smile before I can ever think about getting my lips close enough to press against his. "I'll just… see you tomorrow?" he asks, his voice soft on the question. I nod, letting him leave my arms even though it's the last thing I want him to do.

Danny pushes his hair away from his forehead and wipes underneath his eyes, letting out a small scoff with the movement. "God, you'd think I'd be at least a little better at handling my own emotions." He exhales softly and glances up at me with a small smile. "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it," I mumble, gesturing toward his car. We walk in silence over to the Hyundai parked at the edge of the lot and even though there's a lingering feeling of tension between us, Danny doesn't let it keep us in silence for long.

He digs his keys out before glancing at me. "S-So, how impressed would you be… if I showed you the things you've taught me since we started this trade?" He's smiling with the question but it just makes me feel like shit. I should have taught him better than I have. If I could stop fucking up for even half a second, he might actually learn something that'd impress someone.

"Sorry," I respond, sliding my hands into my pockets with a shrug. "I don't think I'd be very impressed with the basics… we can have a re-do of today sometime this weekend," I mumble, already wondering how I'll fuck it up then.

Danny smiles, stopping at the driver's side of his car. He folds his arms over his chest and leans against the door. "Well, I'll text you and let you know when I have some free time, okay?" He hesitates a second before adding. "Text me when you're home? S-So I know you got there safely?"

This feeling kinda stirs in my chest at the thought of Danny waiting for me to text him and I immediately nod. I don't want to worry him but… it's nice knowing that someone's waiting around to hear that I'm okay. The fact that it's Danny doesn't hurt either.

* * *

 

"What was that about?" Alex asks once I'm back inside the garage. His arms are folded over his chest, his eyebrows drawn down as he asks the question. I doubt he'll believe me if I say it was nothing and I don't want to mention anything about Danny possibly stopping the car. I'm sure Anastasia would just tease me about watching Twilight one too many times.

I shrug, moving past them to get my car keys from the bay I was working in earlier. "He was just… upset about the car almost crushing me," I mumble, shedding my coveralls and ditching them on the stool. I glance back at the car that's still not finished, wondering what the hell actually happened. What Danny can't tell me.

My breath comes out in a sigh and I shove my keys into my pocket. I don't really want Anastasia or Alex to know I made Danny cry or that he was upset cause I asked about what happened with the car. Most people wouldn't have reacted the way he did… god, what is he so scared about? It could have easily been a lucky break, him managing to pull me out in time but his reaction wasn't normal. He had to have done something.

"Is he okay?" Anastasia asks, raising an eyebrow when I turn to look at her. Knowing Danny… I don't know. But at least he seemed a little better when I left him.

"Yeah," I respond, turning my gaze to Alex. "Are you really not gonna let me drive home?" I've done this plenty of times after dad's used me as his punching bag but I doubt Alex wants to hear that. "I didn't hit my head that hard, y'know."

Alex shares a look with Anastasia before focusing on me again, his arms uncrossing. "You're not driving, Dash. Anastasia's going to follow us to my apartment in your car and you're gonna stay with me." His arms fidget like he wants to cross them again but he doesn't. "I don't want you on your own tonight."

Fucking hell, I don't need a babysitter. I've been a thousand times worse before this. The expression on Alex's face tells me he's prepared an argument to fight me with if I try to refuse. Ugh, why does he have to be so worried about me all the time?

"Better just go with it, squirt. You know he always wins anyway," Anastasia responds, patting me on the shoulder before extending her hand. "So, keys for Rider?"

I groan, digging them out of my pocket again. Goddammit, I just wanted to go home and quietly panic about the fact that hey, I might be fucking gay, but of course that can't happen. Alex just has to care about me too much to let me have my goddamn meltdown.

Anastasia takes the keys from me and grins. " _Finally_ I'll get to drive this thing. I can't believe Alex gave it to you," she says, sticking her tongue out when Alex looks at her. "You never offered a car like that to me."

Alex rolls his eyes. "He paid for most of it and you know it." His gaze flits around the room before he glances at his sister again. "Walk Dash to my car, will you? I'm gonna lock the place up." He moves past the two of us and wanders further into the shop. I watch him go but my attention's quickly on Anastasia again when she flicks me on the arm. She nods toward the exit and we start for Alex's car.

"So, is everything really okay with your friend?" Anastasia asks, continuing when I won't meet her stare. "He seemed really upset…"

Upset is a bit of an understatement. Danny was borderline hysterical before I caught up to him and I'm not even sure if it was my fault or not. Maybe I pushed him or maybe he was gonna panic either way… the whole situation is weird and I just want to help him.

I shrug, coming to a stop next to Alex's gray Dodge Challenger. "Yeah, he'll be okay," I respond, sliding my phone from my pocket. I turn it over in my hands, debate texting Danny or not, before I put it away again. I don't know why I'm considering the possibility of telling Anastasia how I feel about Danny but I keep coming up with ways it could play out. They all end with her asking what the fuck is wrong with me so I don't say anything. For now, I'll just keep that shit inside until I figure it out.

* * *

 

Alex and Anastasia use pizza as a way to cushion the fact that they're not letting me go home for the night. I refuse to admit to either one of them that it helps just a little. If I was by myself, I'd just cook whatever's still in the pantry so pizza's nice.

I'm almost doubled over the table by the time I've finished my second slice, laughing so fucking hard at every story Anastasia's telling me. I never get to hear stories about Alex as a kid and some of them are so hilarious.

"You should have seen the look on our mom's face," Anastasia says with a laugh, shaking her head as I try to stop snickering. "Seriously, she was so pissed off. I thought Alex was dead meat."

Alex rolls his eyes, snagging another slice of pizza before responding. "Yeah well. Lucky for me, she was too busy dealing with you and your latest boyfriend to kill me." He smirks as he takes a bite of the pizza and Anastasia scoffs.

"Oh, please. You brought home _way_ more girlfriends," Anastasia drains another few swallows of her beer before raising an eyebrow at him. "Until Kendra, of course."

It's like the whole atmosphere in the room changes. Anastasia keeps that challenging grin on her face but Alex's demeanor shifts. His posture's a lot stiffer and his expression's completely lost any amusement to it. Anastasia struck some kind of nerve.

"Yeah, well," Alex mumbles, attempting to shrug it off, but it's pretty fucking obvious that he's bothered by the topic. He's almost glaring down at his pizza and I've never seen him like this before. When I met Kendra at the electric place that day, I knew she was important to Alex I just… I don't think I realized _how_ important.

Anastasia starts to say something else but he cuts her off with a pointed look. She rolls her eyes like it isn't a big deal and I don't think this is the first time that he's shut down talk about Kendra. I don't know what she did to Alex but I want to understand.

"Is… that the same Kendra I met?" I ask, looking between Alex and Anastasia when they turn their gazes on me. Anastasia raises her eyebrows, glancing at her brother before focusing on me, leaning forward in her chair.

"You met her?" she asks, looking at Alex when he sighs. "Dash actually met Kendra? Something you forgot to mention, Alex?"

He shakes his head, abandoning his slice of pizza to cross his arms. "No. He didn't, he's mistaken." Alex shoots me a look and my gut twists. Whatever this girl did really fucked him up.

"Kendra's in town?" Anastasia asks, her gaze never straying from Alex. He holds my stare for another few seconds before giving in and looking at his sister. A thousand words are spoken in the weighted silence that falls between them and I'm nothing more than a spectator to their silent argument. I don't know what to do but Anastasia seems to.

She leans back in her chair, one hand closing around her beer before she looks away from Alex. Her gaze flits about the room for a few seconds before she's looking my way. I almost feel like I betrayed Alex in a way for bringing up that I met Kendra… even though he never specifically said not to mention it, I feel like I should have thought about it before I spoke.

"Where'd you meet her?" Anastasia asks, addressing me with the question. She raises an eyebrow when the silence stretches on and I look between her and Alex. I don't know if I should tell her anything or not... Shit, I shouldn't have brought it up and anyone else would have realized that before now.

Alex closes the box of pizza and slides it down the table, resting in between the two of us now. He hesitates a few seconds before looking at his sister, letting out a heavy exhale as he does. It takes a few seconds before Anastasia meets his gaze and when she does, he drops his to the table.

"Yes, she's in town," Alex's voice sounds like he's just barely holding it together. I don't think I should be hearing this, it's not something he's willingly brought up with me. It feels like a private conversation but I can't stop myself from listening to it.

Anastasia turns in her chair to face Alex more and he exhales out again, drumming his fingers against the table. His breath hitches when he draws it in and he closes his eyes when it happens. "Fuck," he mumbles, running a hand through his hair. It immediately falls back onto his forehead but he doesn't brush it away. "She moved back here over the summer… she's working at the electric company now."

"Shit," Anastasia responds, sliding her beer toward him. "Here, you need this more than I do."

He glances up at her for a second before taking the bottle. He downs it in one go and I think Anastasia and I are caught somewhere between impressed and concerned. Alex passes the bottle between his hands a few times, shaking his head after a couple of exchanges. "I tried to keep my distance for as long as I could but… god, I only lasted a week before I saw her."

Alex drops his head into his hands and lets out a soft breath. I feel like I'm watching him from the shadows, like he's forgotten I'm still sitting here. If it were me talking about some of this painful shit, I wouldn't want anyone watching. I almost work up the nerve to ask if he wants me to go but Alex speaks before I can.

"She's still beautiful, Ana. Just like she was then, she – Fuck." He jerks a hand through his hair again, roughly exhaling before he continues. "We talked all night, over a bottle of Bacardi. She told me everything she's done since she left town. You know she studied in England for a year?" Alex glances at her with the question but I don't think he's expecting a response. "She was supposed to take a teaching job over there but… she ended up back here."

He runs a hand down his face, looking like he's barely holding it together. "We drank and laughed and… just caught up. Everything felt… it felt like it used to and we both wanted it to go back to the way it was but it can't. You know we can't, you know _I_ can't, it just..." He stops talking and closes his eyes, his hand clenched around the beer bottle again.

Anastasia doesn't even look my way, her focus completely on her brother. "I know. It sucks, it really does but you know… this… today wasn't... it's not the same as it was then. It's not like-" She stops instantly when Alex sighs and I'm guessing that they've had this conversation before.

I scoot my chair back and the sound draws their attention. I slowly let out a breath before standing up. "You mind if I take a shower?" I ask, picking up my plate from the table. I move over to the dishwasher and slide the plate inside before turning around to look at him again.

Alex nods and reminds me where I can get a spare set of his pajamas since we're close to the same size. I head to his bedroom, leaving the two alone. I don't know how the rest of this conversation is supposed to go but something tells me that it'll go better if I'm not there for it.

When I close the door to the bathroom, my phone vibrates and I think I know who it is before I even dig it out of my pocket.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**You never texted me to tell me you got home safely ;p** _

I hate that he makes me instantly smile and forget about other shit with that stupid text message but I guess that's the way it's gonna be for a while now. I want to help Alex but… I don't think there's anything I can do. So I let Danny distract me instead. He always makes me feel better when we talk and I didn't think that was possible before I met him. I don't know if it's just cause we're really good friends or if it has something to do with that I sometimes think about kissing him but I could get used to feeling better just from a simple text.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one escapes my angst mwhaha
> 
> Yo, yo, yo! I hope your week's been good. Did you miss this angsty shit? ;P
> 
> Everyone's favorite quarterback has now realized that he's not straight and he's not handling it too well, is he? My poor bi child, so confuse, much scared… yes I went there, what are you gonna do about it? (Side note here: I know he keeps referring to it in terms of gay vs straight but he just hasn't realized yet that he can like more than one gender. Of course you all know that but just thought I'd make it clear why he's saying gay instead of bisexual)
> 
> How about that Danny angst? That boy is so precious and needs to be hugged and kissed. He doesn't deserve to be tortured… not that it's gonna stop me
> 
> I'm excited for Alex's story to begin unfolding because the secrets he and Anastasia have are things that Dash needs to hear one day. Knowing their shit helps him deal with his own in the future so I'm really happy that more of their story is being told throughout this chapter and the next few chapters as well
> 
> This chapter and next should really be read as one instead of two but if I put them together it'd fuck up the numbers for future chapters so… just kinda treat the next chapter as part 2 of this one (hopefully you guys understand why I can't put them together)
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from Lauren Aquilina's 'Fools'. It's suuuuch a great song for these two boys, especially when you view it from Dash's POV. There's a line in the song I plan on using for a future chapter but I went with this one because I felt like it tied in with the current events between Dash and Danny as well as the way Alex is feeling towards his ex-girlfriend. If you give the song a listen or anything I've suggested, feel free to hit me up on tumblr - I love talking music ;p
> 
> Thanks for reading this update! As always, your thoughts and comments are really awesome to get and your support is appreciated! I'll see you guys next week!


	43. Born To Run Away From Anything Good

I take my time with my shower, only leaving the warm spray so I don't drive up Alex's water bill. I'm sure that'd just be the icing on the cake today.

As soon as I'm dressed, I glance over Danny's latest text. Before I got in the shower, I responded with a sort of apology but mostly just excusing the fact that I forgot because there was pizza and any food makes me forget that anything else exists.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**You suck. Also, how's your homework?** _

Ugh, asking like a true tutor. I open up the bathroom door with one hand and type back 'ugh' with the other, before I step out. Alex and Anastasia are still talking in the kitchen and their voices are carrying back to the bedroom. They don't sound angry, they just sound like they're discussing something intense. I can't tell if it's a good time for me to come back or not but my phone vibrates in my hand before I make a decision.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Can I call you?** _

I re-read the text three times before I hit call on his number. Alex's room leads to a balcony so I move toward it, unlocking the glass doors. The call connects just as I swing open the doors and Danny's voice fills the silence.

 _"S-Sorry… we probably could have texted instead, I just…"_ he trails off and I have to wonder if he's anything like me. If late nights mean that he needs to hear someone else's voice so he remembers that he's not the only one still left awake.

I push the doors closed behind me and pace over to the balcony railing, leaning my forearms against it. "Nah, don't worry about it," I respond, letting out a breath. "Can't sleep?"

Danny exhales softly in response and a small groan immediately follows after it. _"Did I ever mention that I have insomnia?"_ he asks, his voice quiet. So I was right. That _is_ why he gave Star advice. …ugh, insomnia's the fucking worst. I really wish he didn't have it too.

"No you didn't but hey, I never mentioned I have it either. So, I guess we're even." I can't help but grin when he laughs a little. If I can make him laugh then my night's just gonna get better. "Yeah, I've had it since the sixth grade but the doctor said I probably had it for like two years or something before that."

 _"You know what's kinda funny? I think we were both diagnosed the same year,"_ he says, letting out a small laugh. _"I went for like six months or so without ever knowing what was going on but when I told my dad that I just couldn't sleep, my parents decided to have someone look at me. Insomnia runs in my family, apparently."_

I don't think any of my relatives have insomnia but I don't know for sure. I haven't seen most of them since whoever died last… I think it was an uncle. Mom never had problems sleeping unless dad really did a number on one of us, but I've always had trouble with it.

"Insomnia's a bitch, man," I say, letting my eyes fall closed. I don't know if there's some kind of connection to anxiety and insomnia but I guess at this point, anything's possible. Considering Danny has both and I potentially do too, it wouldn't surprise me.

 _"Yeah, I just… it's like, you lay down, right? And you're totally ready to just go to sleep but nothing works. I thought I was going crazy as a kid and to be honest, I still feel that way sometimes."_ Danny just _sounds_ exhausted and I've definitely been there.

I pull my phone away to check the time and I'm kinda surprised that it's past midnight. Shit, no wonder he's exhausted. I usually try to crawl into bed around ten, even if I don't feel like I'm gonna fall asleep. Sometimes I surprise myself by drifting off and sometimes I lay awake for hours.

"Didn't realize it was so late," I say, letting out a breath as I lean more of my weight on the railing. It's almost chilly out right now but hell, I'll welcome in cooler temperatures with open arms. It'll make practice a hell of a lot easier.

 _"When'd you lay down?"_ Danny asks, stifling a yawn as he asks the question.

I snort, mainly to disguise the fact that I think his noise is fucking adorable, and run a hand through my hair. "Haven't yet. Alex is forcing me to with him for the night. I just got out of the shower," I say, glancing back toward the glass doors. I don't know if they're still arguing or just talking but still, I'll give them their space.

 _"Well, I-I'm glad that you won't be alone tonight… would it be too weird if I said that I was kinda worried about you when I left?"_ he asks, his voice dropping in volume as he speaks. Oh fuck, I don't think I can handle the thought of Danny worrying about me. Not when my heart practically jumps at the thought. God, he's gonna be the death of me.

"No, that's not weird at all," I reply, trying to hold the smile from my voice. I'm sure he can tell at least a little that I'm grinning like a fucking idiot on my end but at least he can't see me. "To be honest though… I was worried about you."

Danny lets out a breath and silence falls over us. I'm guessing he's still not up for explaining his reaction at the garage and I don't want to push him for an answer. Right now, I don't care. We'll talk about anything he wants to as long as his mind doesn't go wherever the fuck it was earlier.

I easily start talking about the most random things I can think of and he follows me up with some of his own stories. He keeps me grinning and I keep him talking so he doesn't have time to let his mind go back to the dark shit. I still haven't put it past him yet to be lying about his parents.

After a while, I hear the balcony doors swing open behind me and I glance over my shoulder. Alex gives me a tired smile and I angle my phone away from my mouth to talk.

"Going to bed?" I ask and he nods, the sheer exhaustion pulling at him. I promise myself I'll make it quick and I gesture at my phone. "I'll be inside in a minute, okay?"

Alex leaves me alone to finish my call, pulling the doors closed behind him and it takes me a few seconds to work up the nerve to talk again. I don't know why I'm suddenly nervous to speak to Danny, I'm just gonna be telling him goodnight.

"So, I gotta head inside. Alex wants to sleep and I think he'd kill me if I wake him up by coming through his bedroom when I want to lay down," I say, turning my gaze out past the balcony again. The stars are really visible tonight and I can't help but smile. "I wish you could see the stars right now, you'd be able to tell me all kinds of stuff about them." Not to mention, I'd also get to hear the excitement in his voice as he did.

Danny laughs softly, the sound filled with static over my phone. _"That'd be great… but you should lay down. And we'll both try to sleep, okay? At least for a couple hours,"_ he says, the amusement clear in his tone.

"Sure thing," I respond. There's an awkward few seconds of silence where I guess we're both waiting for each other to say something but it's late and Alex wants to sleep. "I'll see you tomorrow. Night."

 _"Night, Dash,"_ Danny responds, another yawn escaping him before he hangs up. I stare down at my phone for longer than necessary before I open the balcony doors again, stepping back inside. Alex is coming out of the bathroom, the scent of toothpaste strong in the air and he offers up a smile when he sees me.

"Anastasia's staked claim on the couch but I inflated the air mattress for you," he tells me. I don't care where I lay down, just as long as I can attempt to pass out for a few hours. I don't know how successful I'll be but it's the thought that counts, I guess.

I tell Alex thanks and pat him on the shoulder as I pass by him. I wish there was something I could say to make things better for him or help in whatever way I can but I can't think of anything to say. He never told me what happened with Kendra and I don't think it's really my place to ask. At least, not tonight.

We say goodnight before I head into the living room where Anastasia's already spread out on the couch. She glances up from her phone, giving me a grin when I sink down on the air mattress. "Hey, squirt. How'd your call with your girlfriend go?" she asks and mistakes the flush slowly creeping up my cheeks to mean that she's right and I was talking to Paulina.

I roll my eyes before laying back on the mattress, stretching my arms over my head. I can't remember the last time that the thought of Paulina made me blush but it's been a long time. Apparently I don't get nervous about her anymore but Danny… well he's an entirely different story.

"You know, you're adorable when you blush," Anastasia says, laughing when I groan. I toss my arm over my eyes, trying to block out any other comments from her. I'm not ready to figure out how I feel yet and I don't think her teasing comments are gonna help.

My skin smells like outside and the last time I remember noticing that was at the beach. When Danny slept in the bed next to me and we talked for most of the night. If I hadn't pushed him for answers then, would I have ever realized that I don't see him as only a friend?

"Personally, you two don't really make sense to me but whatever. As long as you're happy," Anastasia says, shrugging when I lift my arm just high enough to look at her. "I mean, everyone just expects you two to be together and I don't know… I think you could be happier with someone else."

I almost want to ask who she has in mind but I doubt she'd say Danny. Shit, I actually want her to say his name so I won't be the only one that wonders if we'd be good together. Christ, I can't think about this right now.

"Yeah, I know," I respond, letting my arm drop over my eyes again.

Anastasia tries a few more times to tease me but loses interest when I don't respond. I guess she forgot the fact that I've perfected the art of bullshitting when it comes to teasing. I kinda have to since I'm on a team with a bunch of immature idiots.

The silence stretches on long enough for me to guess that she's drifted off before she speaks. "So… you really met Kendra, huh?" she asks, her voice soft. I don't know if she's trying to make sure Alex doesn't overhear but I keep my voice low when I respond.

"Yeah… Alex helped me find the electric place and went inside with me." I move my arm from my eyes and stare up at the ceiling. There was so obviously something between them and I've never seen Alex respond the way he did around her. It was like nothing else mattered to him. And afterwards, he barely talked about her but I could tell it was eating him alive.

I turn my head just far enough to look at Anastasia and she immediately turns to me, propping her elbow up and leaning her cheek into her palm. "It's weird… he never mentioned seeing her until tonight," she says with a frustrated sigh. "Did he say anything to you about her when you guys met?"

The day I met Kendra was when I patched things up with Danny which explains why I can't remember everything Alex said. Though I doubt he said much… he didn't seem like he wanted to talk about Kendra at all.

"Uh… not really. He just said that she was the first real girlfriend he ever had… he didn't really get into it more than that." I wish I hadn't been distracted by Danny that night… maybe I'd remember more of what Alex said. "She seemed… really important to him though."

Anastasia nods, dropping her elbow and falling onto her back. "Yeah, she is. I wish you coulda seen Alex back then. He was so happy whenever he was with her, you wouldn't believe it. He'd rearrange his plans all the time just to get to spend a few hours with her."

That doesn't sound like the Alex I know… someone that important can't just disappear suddenly from his life without a story behind it. For as long as I've known Alex, he's always tried to see the good in everyone. I doubt that he was that different when he was with Kendra.

"So what happened?" I ask, rolling over to face Anastasia. She shrugs a little, keeping her gaze on the ceiling and I guess that's all I'm getting tonight. No explanation of why Alex reacts the way he does when Kendra's brought up.

My phone vibrates against the carpet and I roll onto my other side to get it. My screen lights up with another text message and when I unlock it, they're both from Danny.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**I just had a great thought and it might be cause I can't sleep but** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**You should add me on snapchat** _

I snort, flopping back down onto the mattress. Kwan's obsessed with snapchat. I had it for about a summer but there are only so many photos I can handle of my teammates in various stages of drunkenness.

With a bit of careful positioning, I manage to start typing my response without dropping the phone on my face. I'm almost finished typing when Anastasia speaks.

"I can't tell you what happened. Alex might when he's ready to but really… it's his story to tell, it's not mine," she says with another heavy sigh. She spares a final glance at me when I look her way before she rolls over. "Night, squirt. Try to at least attempt to sleep."

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**I would but I don't have snapchat** _

I wait to see if I'm gonna get a response back before I drop my phone onto the carpet, looking to Anastasia again. This Kendra situation has them both on edge and that's added to whatever the fuck was going on at the garage. Anastasia was right when we ate pizza on the roof of the garage that day. There's so much more to the both of them than I ever thought.

* * *

 

The sun's starting to creep out when I wake up but it's only five. My phone has three unread texts and I glance up at Anastasia before sliding my thumb across the screen. I feel a little bad for falling asleep before Danny last night but I guess insomnia decided not to fuck with me.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**WHAT** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**How do you not have snapchat?** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**You should get it and add me. I'm rather-be-in-space** _

Was he really texting me so early to talk about snapchat? Ugh, maybe I should get the stupid thing… Kwan's been begging me to add it back on my phone and besides… it might make Danny smile if he wakes up to a message from me. I position my phone enough to where I can type and I open up the appstore, drumming my fingers while it pulls up results.

Snapchat takes a decade and a half to install but once it's on my phone, I open it and set up my account. The hardest part is picking my username but 'my-friends-made-me' is available so I go with that.

Danny's the first person I search and as soon as I click on his username, his profile picture appears. It's him, probably a year or so ago. His hair's a little longer than it is now and it looks like someone else took the photo. He's got a fucking adorable smile on his face and I don't know if the way my chest is aching is a good thing or not.

I turn the front camera on and hold my phone just far enough away to get a picture of my sleepy grin and unnecessary peace sign. A bunch of text options pop up and I type out a couple of different messages before I end up going with 'happy?' and sending it off.

Anastasia's still sleeping and I click my phone screen off, rolling over to face her again. I watch her back rise and fall a couple of times before my eyes drift closed. Sleep takes me away again and I don't have to think about anything.

* * *

 

I can hear low voices above me, snatches of conversation. The sunlight is drifting in and hitting my face at just the right angle and I let out a groan, trying to pull the blankets over my face. Someone snickers above me and I catch enough of what they're saying to realize that they're teasing me.

Anastasia laughs when I hold up my middle finger and I blink open an eye. Her and Alex are in matching Casper High sweatshirts, each clutching mugs that I'm guessing is filled with coffee judging by the smell.

"Morning," Alex says softly, lifting his cup to take a sip.

I have no idea how long I was asleep after I sent that snapchat to Danny but I'm guessing it wasn't too long. Anastasia and Alex both look exhausted but I actually feel rested. I don't know what force decided to not let insomnia fuck with me but I'll roll with it.

"What time is it?" I mumble, already reaching for my phone with one hand. My screen lights up and I start a little, wiping at my eyes to make sure I'm seeing this right. How the fuck is it past ten? Did I sleep through my alarm? I glance up at Alex and he sets his coffee down on his knee, keeping one hand looped around the handle.

"I turned your alarm off when it started making noise. I also texted Kwan to tell him you weren't going to school today," Alex says, giving me a tired smile. He quietly sips from his coffee again. "He said he'd collect your homework for you."

Anastasia shifts on the couch until her legs are folded up underneath her and she gives me a grin. "So, you got a free day, squirt. Any ideas on how you're gonna spend it?"

If I wasn't so rested, I'd probably just sleep some more. But that seems kinda pointless considering I was passed out until ten. I glance at Alex, letting out a soft breath as I stretch out on the mattress again. "Don't know. It depends… Am I allowed to go home today?"

Alex laughs and rolls his eyes as he lifts his mug. "Probably. If your head looks okay, you can."

I turn my attention back to my phone as Anastasia and Alex continue downing their coffee. As soon as I get my ass out of bed, I'll get my own cup but right now, I'm distracted by Danny's face on my screen. He responded to my snapchat this morning and has since sent me two additional messages.

The first is him lying in bed with his tongue stuck out saying that he can't believe that's my first snap to him. His second message is him standing in his bathroom with a toothbrush sticking out of his mouth with the caption _'I've barely slept, why does school have to be so early?'_

I have to bite back a snicker when I scroll down to the third cause it's a picture of two coffee cups sitting next to each other on the back of his car. The caption reads, _'I brought you Starbucks and you're not even showing up?'_

Several text messages are waiting for me to read over and I switch to them instead. I don't really want to take a photo of myself with Alex and Anastasia sitting in the same room. I have a feeling that Anastasia would probably tease me if I told her what I was doing.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**morning. did you sleep at all?** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Niiice snapchat btw** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**You okay? Aren't you normally at school by now?** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Are you kidding me? Kwan just said you're not coming in today. I BROUGHT YOU COFFEE, DASH. GOOD COFFEE TOO, NOT SHITTY MCDONALDS** _

I can't keep in the snort this time and Anastasia and Alex both look at me. I hesitate a few seconds before I look up at them. "Sorry. One of my friends is just being obnoxious," I say, fighting to keep the smile from my face. Of course I lose that battle and have to pretend to be interested in my phone again.

"Would that friend be Danny by any chance?" Alex asks, sipping his coffee innocently when I glance up at him. Shit, am I that obvious in trying to figure out what the fuck I feel for Danny even around Alex? He's always been pretty good at reading me but I really hoped he wouldn't figure this out before I had a chance to.

I sit up on the mattress before dropping my gaze back to my phone, offering up a shrug. "Yeah," I mumble, my chest constricting with every silent moment that passes between the three of us. I wonder if they've both already noticed that I'm struggling with figuring this shit out or if they're just teasing cause of how I react.

"You guys seem like you're really close," Anastasia says, lifting her own mug when she talks. She pauses it in front of her lips and raises an eyebrow when I look at her. "I don't think you've mentioned him before the past couple weeks."

I try to nonchalantly shrug it off but I feel like I have to explain. Like there should be a reason why I never brought Danny up before and that reason shouldn't have anything to do with the fact that I now have to figure out if I'm happy just being his friend.

"Yeah, we didn't really… we weren't hanging out before then, kinda ran in different circles. You know how high school is," I say, keeping my gaze on my phone. I don't want to look at either one of them but the silence stretches on for so long, I feel obligated to.

Anastasia's trying to hide her grin behind her coffee cup and Alex isn't hiding his at all. He sets his empty mug on the floor before he leans back on the couch, his stare never leaving me. "You almost get defensive whenever he's the topic."

I don't need his laugh to tell me that my face flushes but the sound definitely doesn't help. I drop my gaze back to my phone and type out a response to Danny, intent on ignoring them both. I click send but I stare at my screen for longer than necessary to avoid looking up again.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Sorry, I slept in cause Alex cut my alarm off. He told Kwan I wasn't coming in too… Don't know what to do with this free day though. Any thoughts?** _

I debate on adding another message before I eventually just back out of Danny's conversation and open up Kwan's instead. He's sent me a few but I don't get a chance to look over them before Alex speaks again.

"You know… it's okay if you defend him for a reason, Dash," Alex says, his voice soft.

His expression is less amused now and shit, I think he's figured it out. He knows that I don't see Danny as only a friend but he has no idea how much I'm trying not to think about it. Cause if I start thinking about it, I'm gonna freak the fuck out and I can't do that now.

"My friends can be pretty careless. Danny's had some run-ins with them in the past. I'm just trying to protect him from their obnoxiousness," I respond, keeping my face straight. Somehow, I manage to avoid letting on just how freaked out I am cause Alex buys it.

Anastasia shifts on the couch, leaning over to set her empty mug down too. She draws her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around her shins, letting out a breath with the movement. "Sometimes I forget how young you are, Dash." She shrugs when I look at her with what I'm sure is a confused look on my face. _The fuck is she talking about?_

"You've just got so much other shit going on with your mom leaving and especially your dad…" She exhales out before she shrugs again. "I don't know, you feel older than seventeen to me."

My heart skips a beat at the mention of mom but my stomach fucking drops when she brings up dad. I never told her anything, how the hell does she know? I glance at Alex but he shakes his head, seeming to have already guessed where my mind was going.

"I didn't tell her," he says softly, turning a little to look at his sister.

Anastasia makes a face, tilting her head to one side. "I'm not an idiot, Dash. You've come to work bruised more often than you have _not_ bruised. And your mom left town in the dead of night. It really doesn't take a genius to put two and two together."

I can't look at either one of them with the mention of mom. I could tell both of them how I met her after the game or even about the letter she wrote and get their advice but something stops me. Something always stops me and I don't know how to put my thoughts into words. I've never been good at it and even though I've been trying more, I still suck at it. I think they mistake my silence for pain because Alex immediately switches topics.

"I put your clothes in the wash this morning so you'll at least have something clean to change into. I'm guessing you didn't want to wear my clothes," Alex says, standing up from the couch. He collects his and Anastasia's mugs before he gestures toward the other end of his apartment. "You can take a shower whenever you want. I've laid your clothes on the end of my bed."

He wanders into the kitchen and I take that as my cue to leave. I don't really want to move yet but I prefer that over hanging around and talking about mom or dad. I'm not sure I could handle that today on top of figuring out how I feel about Danny. Though I seriously doubt I'll be handling that either.

I move into the hallway that leads to the bedroom but I pause when Anastasia leaves the couch. She heads into the kitchen with Alex and I hear him rinsing out their coffee mugs. As soon as the tap shuts off, he lets out a sigh.

"You probably shouldn't mention either of his parents for a while," he says softly and Anastasia groans. I strain my ears to catch anything but it's almost a full minute before I hear her response.

"I hate this, Alex," she practically whispers. "No one deserves that kind of shit but he really doesn't. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with his father?"

Alex sighs again and I hear his footsteps. For a second, I panic, thinking he's coming toward me but the sound stops and I glance just around the corner to see the two of them. Anastasia's leaning against the counter next to the stove and Alex is opposite her, leaning against the one beside the sink.

"I hate it too," he responds, folding his arms over his chest. He darts a look to the hallway and I manage to stay hidden in the shadows. Even though he's almost looking right at me, he can't see me. It doesn't stop me from holding my breath until he looks away from the hall.

Anastasia's quiet for a few seconds before she pushes away from the counter and places a hand on Alex's arm. Her eyebrows draw down but it seems almost sad in a way. "You know you need to tell him at some point, right?" she whispers and I can barely hear her over the sound of my own heart. What the fuck does he need to tell me? And why the hell can't he tell me now?

She tosses a glance toward the hallway. "Especially after last night… _Dash merece saber_ ," she mutters, her accent strong on the Spanish.

"I know." His voice is louder than hers but I still have to strain to hear him. "I know, Ana, but not yet. He's not ready to hear any of this… I'm not adding anything else to his mind right now, alright?"

Anastasia shrugs before she steps back from him. Her expression is still sad but she lets it go. "I told you before. I'm not telling him anything until you do. You're the one who needs to tell him anyway… So, don't worry. I won't say a word." She hesitates a second before pulling him into a hug.

I leave then, practically sprinting down the hallway and into the bathroom, grabbing my clothes from the bed. It doesn't hit me that I'm shaking until I drop the shampoo bottle and the noise is so fucking loud, a small yelp escapes me.

My hands continue to tremble as I soap up my hair and rinse it out again but I do my best to ignore it. Whatever Alex has to tell me can't be that bad. It's just fucking _Alex_ , why am I this terrified? I guess… maybe it's cause I've never seen Anastasia so concerned before. What the fuck does she know that I don't? And what the hell does she think of me now that she knows about the shit dad does?

I try not to let my mind wander into all this shit and just get through my shower. There's coffee waiting on me and a possible response from Danny when I get out. That's all I'll let myself think about cause if my mind goes anywhere else, I'm sure I'll end up panicking. I doubt Alex will let me go home if I panic. And I'm definitely not interested in hanging around here with the giant ass elephant in the room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the angst for this precious boy
> 
> Yo! Thanks for checking out this update – I'm glad I still have readers at this point (I know it's been a really slow build up but I promise, we're right around the corner to some more action-y chapters)
> 
> As if last chapter wasn't enough, you get even more information on Anastasia and Alex. Though it's kind of weaved through chapters, their story is slowly unfolding and I'm so happy that a lot of you are genuinely interested in reading about them
> 
> Speaking of the two of them, I don't speak Spanish so I had to do some translation to get what Anastasia's saying. If I've done it right, she should be saying, "Dash deserves to know."
> 
> Dash is thinking about that lil' space nerd a little too much to just be friends, don't you think? ;P Also, shout-out to Danny for dragging him into using snapchat. I never said that Danny has insomnia but it's always been a thing in my mind for this fic. But now it's been officially said so, yeah that's a thing lmao
> 
> This chapter titles comes from "Passing Through A Screen Door" by The Wonder Years. This song really reminds me of Alex, from the way he's been acting in recent chapters to his character throughout this story overall. While the song is very much Alex's in my mind, I felt the lyric I chose fit Dash's feelings for this chapter as well.
> 
> Thanks for reading this update, I appreciate the continued support. One more thing before I let you guys go, I posted an oneshot for these two if you're interested in checking that out. It's called Lips of an Angel – let me know what you think if you check it out!
> 
> I'll see you guys next chapter!


	44. You're Wearing Thin Down To The Core

I can smell something cooking before I leave Alex's bedroom but I spend longer than necessary replying to a text from Kwan just to avoid the both of them for as long as possible. Eventually, the smell drags me out of Alex's room and I enter the kitchen again.

Alex is standing in front of the stove, whistling quietly to whatever's playing out of a radio he has set up on the counter next to him. Anastasia's beside him, slathering butter onto an obnoxious pile of biscuits. She looks up when I step into the room and gives me a grin.

"You look more awake now," she says, stepping over to the table to set the plate down. She nods toward an empty chair on one side. "Have a seat, breakfast'll be finished in a second."

I don't know if she's lying just to keep me from having to help but I take a seat, automatically sliding my phone out of my pocket to have something to fiddle with. There's no response from Kwan yet but there is one from Danny.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**If I had a free day, I'd just spend it sleeping ;p** _

On an ordinary day, I'd probably want the same thing but I slept like a rock almost all night. It'd feel kind of pointless to sleep any more. Instead of sleeping, I could probably get some of my homework done… though I'm sure there are plenty of better things I'll get around to instead.

"Am I allowed to work today?" I ask, glancing up from my phone to look at Alex.

He pauses in his whistling but continues to stare down into the frying pan before shaking his head. "No. I don't want you under a car today. Or tomorrow, either," he says, glancing up when I start to argue. "Seriously. No."

I groan, looking at my phone again as he turns back to the food. It's not like I was seriously hurt, it was just a small scrape. After a second or two of silence, he starts whistling again and I tap out my response to Danny.

Anastasia sets three plates on the table along with a fork and drink for each of us. I occasionally glance up at her as I write and rewrite my response to Danny before eventually just pressing send. I chew on my thumbnail as I watch the message appear on the screen, already wondering what his response is gonna be.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**I may actually get shit done. Fuck my homework though, I'm not interested in that at all** _

Alex starts dividing the food between the plates and I slip my phone into my pocket before either of them can ask who I'm texting. Anastasia teases Alex about how much food he gives himself versus me and her and he elbows her away from stealing bacon off his plate.

They argue over who did more work and therefore deserves more bacon as they settle down to eat and it's so surreal to watch them. Whatever the hell they were talking about before I got in the shower seemed so serious but they're just elbowing each other and laughing like it was nothing. And hell, maybe it _was_ nothing. Maybe I overheard something that's so awful, I can't even begin to imagine what it is. Or maybe I overheard something simple and I'm worrying over nothing. I won't know until Alex tells me and I doubt that's gonna be any time soon.

I clear my throat and fix them both with a grin when they look my way. This situation might be completely surreal but I like the feeling of being around them when they're like this. When it seems like the biggest problem in their lives is deciding who gets to eat the bigger portion of breakfast.

"If anyone deserves extra bacon, it's the guy who almost caught a car with his skull," I say with a laugh as they start arguing again. This might be surreal as fuck but for now, I'll take it if it means they both keep smiling the way that they are.

* * *

 

Alex deems me okay enough to go home and I end up leaving not long after we finish breakfast. As nice as it is to be around them, I don't want to overstay my welcome. Even though I know they would never make me feel like I have to go home, I still like to get the hell out of there before that happens.

The house is in the same state I left it in and when the door sticks as I try to open it, I decide what I'm doing today. I shouldn't have to fight the damn door just to get inside the house. If Alex won't let me work at the garage today or tomorrow, I might as well take today to get some other shit done.

It only takes me about twenty minutes of searching the internet to figure out what tools I'll need to change the lock. I double check some of the information and grab my wallet before heading out of the house again.

No one's really on the road so getting to and from the local hardware store is pretty easy. I'm back at my house before noon and I start working immediately, wrestling the old lock off and putting the new one on. It works like a fucking charm and I'm ridiculously proud of myself.

After I spend a few minutes twisting the key in and out to make sure it actually works, I pull my phone out and open snapchat. I take a photo and send it off to Danny, captioning it, _'be impressed with my lock changing skills.'_

I move into the kitchen and wash the few dishes I left in the sink on Sunday, even putting in the effort of drying them and putting them away. Normally I'd just leave them lying on a towel to air-dry but I'm feeling unusually productive right now. No telling how long it'll last but hey, I'll go with it for now.

My phone vibrates on the counter as I put the last plate away and I pick up the device, glancing over Danny's response with a grin. He's sent back a photo of the lunchroom, with a circle drawn around the table my teammates are at. His caption is, _'ur not here and I feel awkward asking to sit with them.'_

I don't really like the idea of Danny eating alone but it might be better than him hanging around my teammates without me there. I can't exactly jump in and stop them if they start acting like idiots. I almost offer to meet him for lunch instead but I don't, simply responding with a photo of myself sticking out my tongue without a caption.

As soon as I ditch the towels in the laundry basket, I leave the house again, admiring my handiwork on the lock before I do. I consider cleaning my room before I go but I tell myself that I'll take care of it when I get home. I need to get the key copied first. I don't know when dad plans on coming home again but I doubt he'll appreciate it if he can't even get in the door when he does.

It's not really my problem to worry about but I'm getting a copy of the key regardless. I don't know if I want dad to come home soon or not but I try to pretend that I don't. As long as he stays gone, I don't have anyone to check in with, I can just come and go whenever I want. Part of me tries to pretend that the thought of that doesn't make me feel so fucking lonely.

* * *

 

Danny and I spend most of the day snapchatting and it's around four thirty when I get the balls to invite him over to my place to study. I've never offered for him to come over before cause it just made more sense for me to go to his place after practice rather than him waiting around for me. But I could really use his help tonight.

His response is almost immediate and I'm trying to decide what the hell he means with the one emoji he responds with when another text comes through.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**:(** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**I wish I could. Raincheck?** _

He doesn't offer an explanation why he can't and that bugs me more than it should. Ugh… of course he's not just waiting around to hang out with me. I wish we didn't have to raincheck at all cause I was actually looking forward to seeing him again but I'm not gonna be that pathetic, whiny friend.

I type back 'okay' before I decide to call today a success and head upstairs. I'll find something for dinner whenever I get hungry but for now, I'll binge on Supernatural and forget that I'm alone for however long it takes dad to show up again.

* * *

 

Whatever god or force that was looking down on me when I was at Alex's is still hanging around cause I'm out like a light by nine and I'm practically bright eyed when I wake up at five. I send Danny a couple of texts, hoping he's still sleeping, before I open up Kwan's conversation.

I text him about going for a run but he doesn't respond so I head out by myself. It's weird running without a partner but after a few minutes of silence, I turn on some music from my phone and it doesn't seem so weird anymore. I recognize the song playing but I can't name it. It has a decent beat so I leave it playing as I continue down my street.

No one's out at five in the morning and I'm more surprised by the fact that I am. I usually hate the mornings cause it means school but today, it doesn't seem like such an awful thing. At least when I'm at school, I'm around my friends.

I still don't know if Danny fits into that category and it's terrifying. I like girls. I have a _girlfriend_ for Christ's sake. I don't like him like I do Paulina… he's just… not only a friend to me. He's special. Guys can have friends they're really close to, right? Then again, Kwan kinda staked claim on that long ago… fuck, none of this makes any sense.

After I've spent way too much time reflecting on my inner gay panic, I head home cause the clouds hanging overhead look ominous as fuck. And the distant thunder sounds louder the closer I get to the house. The rain refuses to break and I have a feeling that it's waiting for the perfect moment.

I set the coffee pot on before I get into the shower, the warmth of the spray making me want to skip school for the second day. But once is already dramatic enough, I can't imagine what my teammates would say if I was out for more than a day.

Like I predicted, the rain starts as soon as I'm jogging out to my car, travel mug in hand. Thankfully, at the last minute I decided to grab my letterman jacket so at least I won't shiver my ass off in class. Even if the rain is determined to soak me to the bone.

* * *

 

No one's hanging around in the parking lot when I pull into a space cause the rain's coming down in sheets. My coffee is still hot and there's over half of it left so leaving it in the car isn't exactly my first choice. But whenever I run with my travel mug, I'm always focused on that instead, trying to make sure that nothing spills out of the little fucker while I'm hauling ass. My only other option is to casually stroll up to the front doors and pretend like getting drenched doesn't bother me. It saves me from having to run so that's the option I go with.

One of the doors swings open before I'm close enough to reach for the handle and Jeff's hanging on the inside of the door, holding it open for me. He grins when I jog up the steps and he ushers me inside as soon as he can.

"Dude, you're fucking soaked," he says with an overzealous grin. Way to state the obvious.

I roll my eyes and flick some of the water onto him and he jumps away, flipping me the bird as he does. Star laughs, making a few teasing remarks to Jeff, and I sweep my gaze around the hall before I turn back to her.

"Paulina not here yet?" I ask, taking a sip from my travel mug. I don't know if I'm ready to see her yet but things between us have been good. And as long as I don't think about the fact that I might possibly have feelings for anyone else, then everything'll be fine.

Star slides her hand into Jeff's before shaking her head. "Nope. She told me last night that she might be running late." She leans her head on Jeff's shoulder with a sigh and he turns his head just far enough to kiss her. I guess they're no longer denying the fact that they're together and I smirk at Jeff when he looks up at me.

I turn away from the PDA going on and sip from my mug again, looking around the hall. A lot of my classmates are here already and I catch sight of Danny down the hall. I don't think I've ever seen him wear a baseball cap before but he's donned a light blue one today. His NASA t-shirt is clinging to his skin from the rain and I try not to focus on how good it looks on him.

Danny doesn't notice me until I'm standing next to him and I lean against the locker beside his. "Yo." I take another gulp of coffee and he turns his head in my direction. I can tell he's smiling by the tone of his voice but he doesn't look up any higher than my chest.

"Hey, how'd you sleep?" he asks, his voice soft on the question. I guess that's gonna become our thing now since we both suck at sleeping.

I shrug, turning so my back is against the locker. I lean my head against it too but glance toward Danny after a few seconds. "Really great actually. I don't know what kind of force is looking out for me but I was out like a light last night," I pause to sip from my mug before I continue. "Tuesday night, too. I'm sure Alex would say it's cause I almost died."

Danny laughs softly, shoving a few things into his locker. It doesn't take me long to recognize that his fingers are trembling just slightly with each of his movements and I have no clue why he's shaking now. I usually don't know why I'm shaking when I do either and I don't know if it's okay to mention it if he doesn't bring it up first but…

"You okay?" I ask, making sure to keep my voice soft when a group passes by us. It's no one's business but Danny's why he's shaking. If he decides to tell me, I'm not letting some jerk-off overhear us and risk somebody giving him shit for it.

He shrugs, pulling something out of his locker. He pauses, running a finger down the spine of the textbook once before dropping it to the bottom of his bag. I don't know if there's any way that I can help him but I'm willing to try. Anything to stop him from trembling as he moves.

"I don't think Alex is gonna let me back at the garage until sometime next week," I say, sipping coffee again. I've only seen Alex that freaked occasionally but I guess it was more obvious this time cause I almost kissed the underside of that car. Ugh, I doubt he'll let me around the garage for the rest of the week.

"Can't say I blame him," Danny responds. He wrestles something out of his locker and a pencil drops to the floor. We both kneel down at the same time to get it and for once I'm barely paying attention to the fact that my fingers brush by his. Because the state his face is in stops me from focusing on anything else.

We're frozen for a few seconds, staring at each other as I take in the dark bruises littered on his face and the small scrape along his jawline. He avoids holding my gaze but doesn't turn away from me. I can't stop staring at the damage that's been done to him. I don't give a shit who did this to him, I want to deliver the same to them.

Danny breaks our staring contest and rises to his feet again, his hand around the pencil. "It's not as bad as it looks," he says, ditching the pencil in his bag. He goes back to rummaging around in his locker and I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what to say or even what I _should_ say. I didn't have any words when I saw the bruises painted across his chest and stomach when we were at the beach together and I sure as hell don't have any now.

He continues moving stuff from his locker to his backpack and vice-versa while I'm left trying to figure out how to talk again. I don't know what to tell him or what to ask and I wonder if this is how Kwan feels every time I come to school with my face all busted to hell.

I don't know why I do it but when Danny turns toward me a little, I put one hand on the side of his face. He meets my gaze instantly and a shaky breath leaves him. I've always been shit with words and right now isn't any different. I'm not suddenly over my inability to say the right thing or anything at all just cause Danny looks like he's gotten the shit kicked out of him.

Danny's breath hitches when I move my hand a little higher, cupping his ear and cheek in my hand. He blinks once, his bottom lip disappearing between his teeth. Oh fuck, I want to feel that lip between _my_ teeth. I don't know what I feel about guys in general but I can't fucking deny it anymore. I want Danny, regardless of the fact that he's a guy and I don't like guys. I like Danny and I don't care what that makes me.

"D-Dash…" he whispers, his eyes finally closing. I should pull away from him but I don't. I _can't._

My other hand is clenched around my travel mug but if it wasn't, I'd put that on him too cause fuck, I hate how bruised he looks. I hate that something happened and he can't talk to me about it. I want to know what's going on with him even if it's fucking awful.

There aren't a lot of people in the hall but those that are have noticed us now and the only reason I put distance between us is cause I don't want their attention on Danny for too long. It's none of their fucking business what happened to him.

A couple of girls are darting glances between me and Danny but they hurry down the hall when I shoot them a look. I don't want anyone stopping to talk to either one of us. Danny doesn't need anyone staring at him and I probably just made it worse for him.

"Before you say anything, no. It wasn't either one of my parents," Danny says, stooping to grab his backpack. He slides a binder out of his locker door before shutting it. He spins his locker combination and slings his backpack onto his shoulder before he meets my gaze again. He offers up a shrug and starts down the hall and I can only follow after him.

Danny stops beside a classroom door before turning back to me. He clutches the binder to his chest with a sigh, shaking his head as he looks away from me. "Seriously, Dash. I can already tell where your mind's going and trust me, I'm fine. I'm more than fine, okay? I promise, it has _nothing_ to do with my parents." He looks back at me when he stresses the part about his parents and I can't tell if that's because he wants to make sure that I get it or if it's cause he's lying.

"Then who did this to you?" I blurt out before I've thought it through. He hasn't brought up who it is, only tried to clear his parents name. If he wanted me to know, he would tell me. He doesn't want me to know, he-

Danny sighs, dropping his gaze to the ground. "I can't… really explain…" he trails off and looks down the hall. He bites his lip for a few seconds and the silence eats at me. His face looks fucking awful and I can't take it. I can't handle the thought of anyone hurting him.

"Does it have anything to do with stopping that car?" I ask, my voice low with the question. He instantly looks back to me and his eyes are widening as he shakes his head. Bullshit. If the state of his face had nothing to do with what happened at the garage, he wouldn't look so freaked at the mention of both.

I should really fucking learn at some point not to push Danny because he already distanced himself once but I can't stop myself.

"You can tell me, you know," I say, placing my hand on the wall he's standing in front of, my palm just behind his head. I'm suddenly reminded of how similar this is to the way shit went down after I drove him home from the beach. "I'm not… trying to scare you."

Danny shakes his head, drawing in a staggered breath as he collapses against the wall. He keeps looking up at me and shaking his head before dropping his gaze back to the ground. I don't know what to say or what to do in the silence but I don't want to see him go away again. I don't want to push him. Not just cause I'd miss the fuck out of him but cause I can't do that to him. Not a second time. He deserves better than someone that pushes for answers, so I stop.

I drop my hand from the wall and take a step away from him. He looks like he's breathing easier but he also looks confused, his brows furrowing down as he looks up at me. I give a shrug in response and fidget with my coffee cup before I speak. "S-Seriously, you can tell me anything… at any time."

He doesn't say anything at first and I mentally repeat what I just said back to myself. It doesn't sound too awful, it's just… ugh, anyone else probably would have said something better. It's not like he needs to hear who he can talk to. He already has people he trusts. Like his friend, Tucker. I'm sure he tells that guy everything.

"You…" Danny looks up at me when he speaks but something stops him from finishing whatever he was gonna say. Instead, he just exhales out and gestures toward the classroom. "I-I should probably just get ready for class."

"Yeah, okay," I reply, taking another step away from him. He holds my gaze for a few seconds before he steps closer to the door. Neither one of us bring up the fact that the bell hasn't rung or that most of the teachers aren't even in yet cause of the weather. We just go our separate ways with promises to see each other at lunch. I can only hope that I manage to not ask questions then too. Pushing Danny away is the last thing I want to do but… I have to know. What the hell is so bad he has to hide it from everyone?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo readers! Welcome back to another week of this angsty shit
> 
> If you don't normally read my author's notes (no judgement, they can get quite lengthy), you should read this one.
> 
> So. Remember a few weeks back when I said that a couple of chapters should be read as one instead of two separate chapters? Well… I gave this fic a lot of serious thought and decided that the best thing to do was to rearrange the chapters until the events were less spread out. So, instead of getting 3-4k length updates, you'll get 7k-14k+ chapters.
> 
> I decided to go this route when I realized that some chapters were over 10k words while others were barely 2k. The lack of uniformity was really crushing me and I feel a million times better now that all the chapters are relatively the same length. (The only downside to this is that I probably won't post as often.)
> 
> For reasons I can't discuss yet, chapters 45 and 46 are still fairly short – but after that the chapters get longer and longer. (I'll definitely talk about why I didn't touch these two chapters when I update with 46 cause holy crap, you guys are definitely gonna wanna talk about that one ;P)
> 
> Now… about this chapter… [coughs] Any speculations as to Danny's bruises? And I know how much you all love stubborn!Dash so I had to give him some time in this chapter ;p (feel free to rant about that to me lmao your thoughts are always great to read)
> 
> Secondhand Serenade's "Fall For You" was the inspiration behind this week's title. I wanted to find something that represented Dash pulling back from Danny, in the sense of "I'm not gonna push him anymore" cause the quarter-back is finally taking the hint that if he pushes Danny, he might as well be talking to a brick wall. I don't know if this song sums up that feeling that well but I also think it's a very Stay song anyway so, there you go.
> 
> Thank you for reading this week's update. Your continued support means the world to me. I'll see all of you next chapter! (Follow my tumblr jaeger-soul for updates about this fic in the weeks I don't post)


	45. You Better Know What You're Fighting For

Sitting next to Danny during lunch is awkward at first, but thankfully no one mentions the bruises he's sporting. I guess they're all used to me showing up like he is. Though… his bruises aren't the only thing making this awkward. It's also cause sitting next to him makes my heart pound like crazy. Doesn't help when Paulina slides onto the bench next to me and kisses my cheek. God, why does her touch have to confuse me?

Kwan easily picks up on how uncomfortable I am and he gets Danny talking. They touch on space a couple of times and I think I'm the only one that notices the excitement in Danny's voice when he starts discussing a few constellations with my best friend.

Everyone else at the table is talking and I'm just taking it all in, shoving food down my throat to avoid joining the conversation. It's not like I have anything to add anyway. The cheerleaders are discussing some kind of shopping trip from what I understand, and the guys are talking about the game tomorrow. Okay, so I could input something there but I don't care enough to.

When there's a lull in conversation, Danny turns back to me and I meet his gaze. There's a few seconds of silence before he smiles and tilts his head to one side. "You never responded to my snapchat the other day," he says it softly but Kwan's head snaps up and his gaze is instantly on the two of us at the mention of the app.

"You have snapchat again?" he asks, a grin quickly changing his expression. "Since when? I've been trying to get you to add it back for _months_ but you said it's stupid!"

I don't want to admit that the only reason I added it back on my phone is cause Danny asked me to. It'd be a little obvious that Danny means a lot to me if I say that. And I'm not sure that I'm ready for anyone to know that yet.

Kwan laughs at what must be a pretty decent flush on my face. I can feel how hot my cheeks are and I let out a scoff. I drop my gaze back to my tray with a shrug. "It _is_ stupid," I mumble, cramming another forkful of what the school calls food into my mouth before I look up at Kwan again.

He's shaking his head before he looks at Danny. "I've wanted him to add it back on his phone for a long time now. You two start talking and you manage to convince him to do it after knowing him for what, a month? Two?"

Glad to know I'm not alone in this. Danny's cheeks are flushed too and he shakes his head a little before glancing in my direction. I can only hold his gaze for a few seconds before I have to look away again. I highly doubt anyone at this table would let it go if I told him how adorable he looks with the pink staining his cheeks the way it's doing now. _Sh-Shit, that's really fucking gay._

The inhale of breath I take is sharp and it's loud in the silence that's blanketed our table. Danny's hand brushes my knee in a silent question. I can't answer with a nod cause I'm not okay. Shit, I should be okay. Nothing hurts but this… it doesn't feel good either.

"You dying over there, Baxter?" Jeff asks with a snort, leaning forward to steal food from my tray. I don't stop him but I do lift my gaze to his and manage to glare at him. He responds by grinning around the mouthful of food he's stolen.

Paulina's turned toward me, one eyebrow lifted and I wonder if she can tell. If she notices the way my eyes have started to linger on Danny and that the more time I spend around him, the less I want to spend with her. And not because it's her and because we fuck up so much. It's been really good between us since the beach and I know a part of me will always love Paulina. She's been in my life since we were both awkward freshmen. But we're just awkward seniors now and even though I know there's no way I can forget about her just because Danny's in the picture… I like Danny a lot. And I really wish I could be happy with being his friend. But I doubt my heart will ever settle for that.

"Gimme your username," Kwan says, interrupting my thoughts. I glance up at him and I wonder what my expression looks like. He raises his eyebrows when he asks it and Danny's hand brushes my knee again beneath the table. I can't stop the groan from leaving me and I prop my elbow up on the table, dropping my forehead into my palm.

I can feel the breath sticking in my throat and Danny mistakes my actions for some kind of need for comfort. His hand easily rests on my thigh, just above my knee, and he traces circles in the denim of my jeans, making me wish we were miles away from here. Alone. Where I could kiss him and see his smile crinkle up the corners of his eyes and the only thing between us would be our own breaths hanging in the air.

Danny's fingers aren't clumsy as he continues to trace shapes on my thigh in an effort to calm me down and I hate how easy he makes it seem. _I'm not easy, Danny. Please don't ever think that I'm an easy person. To be around or date or anything really. I've never been easy._

"No, you'll just… bombard me with stupid shit like last time," I mumble, aware that I let the silence stretch on too long. _Fuck, Kwan's probably worried about me._ I'm usually better at holding myself together in front of the guys but god, I can barely think with Danny's hand on me. This really shouldn't be that hard. I'm not hurting, it doesn't hurt… god, does it count as hurting when it's just my chest that feels like it's on fire and my throat that can't draw in the oxygen I desperately need?

Kwan scoffs and he sounds almost insulted. I lift my head just far enough to catch the pout on his face and he draws his eyebrows down, giving me his pleading stare. I can usually only hold out like ten minutes when he looks like that so I drop my gaze back to the table.

"No," I repeat, unconsciously turning a little to face Danny more. His hand stills for a second or two before he picks up where he left off, tracing squares and overlapping circles, his fingers drifting higher and higher up my thigh. He always stops himself when his fingers wander a little too high and I can't decide if it's because we're sitting in the middle of the school cafeteria or if it's because he doesn't want to touch me. Danny's probably not interested in guys but I haven't seen him around girls either… well, unless the girl he used to hang around counts. God, I don't _want_ her to count.

Kwan starts pouting and whining again and I do my best to ignore him. I close my eyes and let the feeling of Danny's hand on my leg distract me. Take me miles away and let me pretend that we're not in the cafeteria. I think about all the things we could be doing right now if we weren't stuck here, surrounded by my teammates and a girl I'm not that interested in anymore. I wonder if we weren't here, if Danny would let me kiss him.

"Danny, will you tell me?" Kwan asks and I snap my eyes open.

I lift my head and drop my hand onto the table. "No, you're not bugging Danny for it either. You'll just make me want to delete the app if I add you again. So, no. You're not getting it." I try to look like somebody who can't be easily swayed but Kwan gives me another pout.

Danny glances toward me, I guess in a questioning sort of way, probably wondering why I won't give my best friend my username and honestly, I don't blame him for being curious. It's not like I really have any reason to keep Kwan from having it. It's just… god, he was _so_ into it when he forced me to download it the first time and he sent me ridiculous photos with even more ridiculous captions.

"Pleeeeeeaassssee, Daaaaannnyyy!" Kwan whines. I've gotta admit, he's got that whine perfected. I don't think any one of my teammates has ever been able to say no when he's sounded like that. Of course, he mostly uses it for stupid stuff like this. And fortunately, I'm mostly immune.

I hesitate a second before I'm able to meet Danny's gaze again and I shake my head a little. A smile is pulling at his mouth and it takes me a few seconds to realize why he's grinning. _No way, he wouldn't._ "Don't you d-"

"My friends made me, is his username. Dashes between each word," he says, that grin quickly growing. I can't believe him. Why would he just throw me to the dogs like this?

Kwan wastes no time pulling his phone from his pocket and I assume he's friending me. I shoot Danny a glare and he responds with a gentle smile that has the scowl leaving my face instantly. God, why is it so fucking hard to stay mad at him?

I roll my eyes with a scoff when my phone vibrates. I pull it out of my pocket before I fix Kwan with a look. "Y'know… I don't have to accept anything from you, right? I could block you." I have no idea if that's even possible but hell, I'd figure out a way.

A few of my teammates laugh at the fake betrayal Kwan puts on but of course the person that's got my interest is Danny. His laugh is just a little softer than everyone else's and yet, it's the one that stands out to me the most.

Danny gives me a smile when I glance at him again but I have to drop my gaze almost immediately. Thankfully, I have my phone to distract me and I reluctantly load up snapchat. I can only imagine what the hell Kwan's gonna send me from now on.

"Stop scowling, I'm not that annoying," Kwan says, rolling his eyes when I look up at him. "You're acting like your life as you know it just ended. You can ask everyone else, I send great snaps," he says, gesturing to the rest of the table.

Paulina darts a look my way, her smile easily in place again. "Yeah, actually. Kwan's really funny when it comes to snapchat." I can't tell if she's lying to spare my best friend's feelings or not. And honestly, I didn't even know that she used this stupid app either.

"So you all use this, then?" I ask, tapping the 'accept' on Kwan's request.

Jeff slings an arm around Star's shoulders before leaning forward to snag food from my tray again. "Yeah, we're all on it. Though most of these losers just lurk and don't send out any snaps." He rolls his eyes when I look up at him and he crams more of my food into his mouth.

I flip him the bird and he responds with a laugh. Star leans back further into his arms and closes her eyes. My friends fall back into silence and I steal a glance at Danny. He gives me a small, encouraging smile before I have to drop my gaze, letting my stare drift across the table again.

Keith's staring down at his phone, a frown creasing his features, and it's only after I receive a notification that I realize why.

"Fucking hell, you too?" I ask, scoffing when he looks up at me.

He tries to keep it in but a smile quickly takes over his expression and he can only offer up a pathetic shrug. "You can blame Kwan for that. He dragged me into it last summer," he responds, lifting his drink to his mouth.

Kwan glances at him and rolls his eyes. "Shut up," he says before he swats him on the shoulder and leans over to steal fries from his tray. "You know that you love my snaps, admit it."

"If you hate it that much, why'd you download it after I told you to?" Danny asks. His voice is soft but from the expression on Kwan's face when he looks at me, I'm guessing Danny wasn't quiet enough. I really don't want anyone to know yet but I guess Kwan's figuring it out. Fuck, maybe it'll be good to have someone else know that Danny's not just a math tutor to me anymore.

I shrug, setting my phone on the table, my fingers shaky with the movement. "Cause you told me to," I respond. As soon as the words leave my mouth, I realize how it sounds. Shit, I guess now is the moment that everyone's gonna figure out that Dash Baxter might be fucking gay.

Danny's eyebrows draw downward but he doesn't get a chance to voice the question that's clear in his expression. The bell rings out, completely cutting him off, and we're all ordered to report to the gym immediately. Our principal repeats the announcement and everyone in the cafeteria exchanges glances before my teammates start getting to their feet.

"Jeez… they haven't herded us all into the gym in forever. I wonder what this is for," Kwan says, glancing around at our classmates, all abandoning their food and lining up to exit the cafeteria.

Keith stands from the table with a sigh. "I don't know, I just hope that whatever it is, it doesn't take too long." He hesitates a split second before adding. "I'm supposed to see Lily during my free periods today."

"How's she doing, man?" Jeff asks, sliding his arm around Star's back again. They both get to their feet and somehow, he manages to keep his arm around her. She turns to look at him, pressing another kiss to his cheek with a smile.

Keith hesitates a second before exhaling, nodding a little as he drops his gaze. "She's um… she's doing good. Every day is a different story but right now, she's… she's doing okay." He smiles when he looks at Jeff and I can't tell if he's forcing that smile or not. With how often I do it, I should probably know when someone else is.

We all fall in step with each other as we leave the cafeteria and somehow, Paulina and Danny end up on either side of me. Paulina slides her hand into mine and I hate the way that I instantly wish it was Danny's instead. God, I should just be happy with Paulina. Things are finally okay with us and I really think it could work this time. But I guess as long as Danny's in the picture, it'll never work.

The doors to the gym are open and two people in white clothing are standing on either side of the entryway. They're each holding a tablet of some kind and they mark down whenever a student passes into the gym. There's already a line stretching outside so we just form along behind it.

Paulina lets go of my hand as the line moves forward and she's up behind Roxane. Danny's in front of me but he's turned my way. His entire body is tensed as he stares ahead at the people checking students off and he looks like he's torn between making a run for it and waiting the situation out.

"What do you think this is for?" Jeff asks, grinning when I turn to look at him. "You think they finally decided to figure out who stole the bus?"

Star laughs a little, shaking her head. "What's the point? Everyone already knows who was behind that. You guys weren't exactly subtle." Jeff puts his hand over his chest like he can't believe what she's accusing him of but it only makes her laugh again.

The line moves forward and I turn away from Jeff and Star, watching Danny fidget as he steps up to the people in white. The guy on the left takes notice of him, but quickly looks to his device again. "Name?"

"D-Daniel Fenton," Danny stammers out. I can tell his fingers are trembling around his backpack strap but I wonder if anyone else picks up on it. The guy nods as he jots it down. After a second or two, he waves Danny past. He barely glances up as he calls for the next person and I step up, still partially paying attention to Danny. There's another person in a white coat standing at a table a few feet inside the gym and they've stopped him.

"Name?" the guy standing on the outside of the gym prompts, jerking my attention back to him. He looks up at me expectantly, index finger hovering over the device.

"Dash Baxter," I respond, watching as he clicks it through. He glances up, giving me a funny look, before he passes me through and I line up behind Danny again. The white coat, a female this time, lets Danny go before focusing on me.

She sets out what looks like a couple of index cards and gestures to the first one. "Legibly write your full name here." She waits until I've done that before she points to an inkpad. "Place your fingertips on this ink and print them here," she instructs, gesturing to the next two cards.

_What the fuck?_

I decide against questioning it and just do as she says. After she collects the three cards and drops them into a clear plastic bag with a date printed on the outside, she lets me go. I start after Danny and just from his posture alone, I can tell he's not doing that great.

"They've probably dragged us all in here to figure out who's been skipping classes and shit," I say, grinning when Danny looks my way. "Which means half of my teammates will probably be suspended before the day's up."

Danny doesn't crack even a hint of a smile and that bothers me more than it probably should. He barely nods as he looks away from me again, his gaze sweeping across the room. His movements are still tense as he takes a few steps away from me and I'm quick to follow him, pushing past people to keep up.

"Hell, maybe it's just a really fucked up pep rally," I suggest. I don't expect a smile at this point, I'm just trying to distract him from whatever the hell's going on in his mind. He's clearly upset about something but he's trying to pretend like he's not.

I glance over my shoulder at Jeff and Star, having finally passed the first person but they're both still at the table with the second white coat. This is all so strange. I can't remember the last time we were all herded into the gym for a reason outside of a pep rally but this definitely isn't that.

"You wanna sit down?" I ask, turning back to Danny. He barely glances at me as he nods, quickly sinking down onto the bleachers near us. He lets out a low breath and it's only when he reaches up to straighten his hat that I see his hands trembling, along with one of his legs.

He draws in a strangled breath and looks around the gym again, dropping his hands into his lap. A look of concentration passes over his face before he turns to me, not lifting his gaze to mine. "I-I doubt this is a pep rally, Dash," he whispers. I hate how scared he sounds and before I can stop myself, I place my hand on top of his.

"It's gonna be okay. Whatever this is, it's gonna be fine, alright? It's probably something stupid, like some kind of… I don't know, they're probably just trying to enforce some new rules on us or something," I say, pretty sure that it's nothing like that. It's too strange for something that simple. And something tells me that Danny knows what this is really about. If he didn't, he wouldn't look so terrified.

He doesn't pull his hand away from mine and after a few seconds, he turns his hand over and slides his fingers between mine. Danny lets out a soft breath, squeezing his eyes closed with the sound. "I-I can't… it's… th-this is bad," he whispers.

I don't get a chance to ask what the hell he's talking about cause the gym's filled up around us and our principal is standing near the entrance, white coats on either side of her. She looks just as confused as I feel but she addresses us calmly, as if she's in control of whatever the hell is going on.

"Classes and extra-curricular activities are cancelled for the day. You're all to remain here until told otherwise by me or one of these agents," she starts, pausing to look around at all of us.

_Agents? What kind of agents? …and what the fuck are they doing at Casper High?_

Principal Ishiyama draws in a breath and easily goes on, a frown taking over her features. "We've gathered you all together… to check a few things. Know that none of you are in any danger." She nods like that's the end of it and suddenly, the lights are killed.

A couple of people let out squeals, amidst some nervous laughter but it quickly turns silent again. Well… not entirely silent. There's this weird buzzing sound and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to ignore. I can feel Danny's hand in mine and I really don't want to let him go but fuck, the buzzing sound actually hurts. I manage to cover one ear with my free hand but the noise is deafening to my other one. I can't tell if I've closed my eyes in the darkness but everything sounds so loud and I'm pretty close to vomiting.

Just when I think my head's gonna explode, the sound stops and the lights are back on. I blink in the brightness and I hesitate a few seconds before I drop my hand from my ear, the sound still bouncing around in my skull. Shit, was that as loud for everyone else as it was for me?

Danny shoots a worried look my way when I glance at him but I don't get to see him for long. The lights click off again and this time, there's this sickly glow about the room. It's almost green but with flashes of white occasionally and every time I move my eyes, it seems to get brighter before plunging me back into darkness.

I look toward Danny again and the whites of his eyes are practically glowing as he stares back at me. It's too dark to read his facial expression but going off the fact that his hand is still shaking in mine, I'm guessing he's terrified.

He closes his eyes and lets out a breath as I squeeze his hand gently. I don't know why he's so terrified but worry is starting to pick at me too. Not just about him but about whatever the fuck this is. They've got the entire student body in here and there's no telling what this is all for. I don't know if they'll answer any questions we have but I hate not knowing what the fuck is going on.

The lights click on again and murmurs break out across the gym. Everyone just sort of falls silent as several men in white suits step forward, two girls on either side dressed in white scrubs. One of them I don't recognize at all but the other one has a suspiciously curly ponytail that I know belongs to Valerie… what the fuck is she doing here? And who the hell is she with?

Valerie and the other girl each have tablets propped up in their arms like a clipboard and the other girl barely glances at hers before she speaks.

"Kwan Young, please come forward," she calls out, her gaze sweeping around the room. I know I'm not the only one that immediately searches the room for Kwan but my heart's hammering in my chest as I watch him break loose from the crowd and start for the girl that called his name. One of the men in white suits steps forward and leads Kwan out of the gym. _What the fuck do they want him for?_

Valerie immediately speaks, reading from her tablet. "Hollie Ashton, please come forward," she calls out, turning to look at the crowd. A girl from the volleyball team, that the cheerleaders occasionally hang out with is standing next to Paulina. She leaves the cheerleaders side and starts for Valerie. Another white suit steps forward and she's also led from the gym.

The first girl glances at her device. "Jeff Attwood, please come forward," she calls out and I watch Star glance at Jeff before he leaves his spot next to her on the bleachers. He leaves the gym with another white suit and when the door swings shut behind the two, Valerie speaks next.

"Dash… Baxter, please come forward," she says, faltering between my first and last name. She looks up at the crowd, her eyebrows drawn down as she searches for me. I almost raise my hand to wave but Danny distracts me.

His hand tightens in mine and he lets out a staggered breath. "D-Dash," he whispers, finally meeting my gaze. His eyes are wide and he looks fucking terrified as his hand trembles in mine. "Dash, I-I can't do this… y-you have to stop this, okay? Please. B-Before they can call my name. C-Cause a dis-distraction, a-anything. I can't… oh god, I can't do this."

His hand leaves mine suddenly and he's drawing in one shaky breath after another. Shit, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Danny's practically hyper-ventilating next to me and it's not like I can do anything to stop it. What does he want me to do, ignore whatever the fuck this is and… a distraction? Why does he need me to distract them? And what the hell does he want me to do?

It's not like I can just walk out of here or do something dramatic to stop this whole thing. What the hell can I do to distract everyone? Shit, Danny looks like he's getting paler the longer he hyper-ventilates. I can't leave him like this. I-

"Dash Baxter, come forward," one of the white suits calls out and I look from Danny to the guy. He's impatiently staring into the crowd, trying to figure out if he can find me just by looking. It's not like they know what I look like. Though, I probably only have a couple more seconds to spare before someone points me out to this guy.

I turn to Danny, taking his hand again. He barely glances at me as I run my thumb over the back of his hand and I can only hope that it calms him down a little. Danny wouldn't ask me to cause a distraction if this wasn't serious. I've always wanted to help him and he's finally telling me that I can. I'm not gonna blow this. "I'll figure something out, okay? But I gotta go with this guy for now. I-I won't let them call you," I promise, still trying to come up with some kind of plan.

Danny looks toward me, letting out a soft breath as he nods. The fear is still etched into his features but I don't have the time to ask him what's going on. I just quietly leave my seat and start down the bleacher stairs. The white suit takes notice of me now and I shove my hands into my pockets as I continue toward him.

Valerie glances at me as I pass by her and she slowly shakes her head, her eyes wide. I don't understand the expression she's giving me and I don't have long to process it either. The white suit immediately leads me out of the gym and the doors swing shut behind us.

Wordlessly, the guy leads me further down the hallway and I try to formulate some kind of plan to distract everyone. We pass rows of lockers in silence before he stops at a small room that I'm guessing is the teacher's lounge. I've never seen this place before but I think this is what a teacher's lounge would look like. There are two couches facing opposite each other, with a small table in between. A kitchen-type area is on the other side of the room but I don't get to look at it for too long before the white suit speaks.

"Place anything in your pockets or on your person in this," he says, holding out a plastic bag toward me. _The fuck is this all for?_ It's just straight up weird at this point. Why are these people at Casper High? What are they looking for in a bunch of teenagers? Who the hell even are they?

I empty my pockets and drop everything into the plastic bag he continues to hold. My phone is the last thing I drop in there, among the spare change, my wallet, and an unexpected condom in my back pocket. If this was any kind of normal situation, I'd probably be embarrassed about the condom.

"Have a seat, Mr. Baxter," he tells me, gesturing to the couch facing away from the kitchen area. Sitting there, the only thing I'll have to look at is him. I wonder if that's why he picked this area. So there'd be nothing to distract me from whatever the hell this is gonna be.

I only hesitate a few seconds before I sit down, leaning back in the couch with my arms folded over my chest. He glances over my posture before he steps out of the room. He's only gone for a second or two but when he returns, the bag with my stuff in it is missing. He crosses through the room and settles down on the couch opposite me, depositing a small device into the middle of the table, and holding a tablet in one hand.

"You may call me Clark. I'm sure you have a lot of questions, this is fairly out of the ordinary for your normal school day," he says. I expect him to smile with the statement but he doesn't. He just continues to stare at me.

I respond with a shrug and that's apparently all he needs to continue.

"Like your principal told you, we're checking a few things out. I'm a federal agent with the government and I have some questions regarding the citizens of Amity Park. That's where you and your classmates come into play." He taps something on the tablet before leaning back, holding my gaze as he speaks. "Can you answer some questions for me, Dash?"

I'm not sure why he's even asking… It's not like I'm in any kind of position to say no. Even though I could just refuse to cooperate … my brain's still a little stuck on the agent part. "Uhh… sure."

Clark nods like he expected my answer and he marks something on the tablet before looking up at me again. "Tell me, Dash. Have you ever noticed anything weird or strange about any of your classmates? Any of your friends?" he asks, clasping his hands together as he leans forward.

"What? No…?" Unless Blake practically high at the game counts. Something tells me that's not what this agent is looking for. I let out a breath before speaking. "I don't understand what's going on."

The agent doesn't say anything at first, he just stares down at his screen in silence for a few seconds before he looks up at me. "We'll start with your friends, alright? Let's talk about Kwan Young," he pauses to tap something on his device before he continues. "How long have you known him?"

_What the hell is going on? Some strange version of twenty questions?_

I let out a small scoff, uncrossing my arms to run a hand through my hair. "I don't know, since we were like five or something. Why? What does that have to do with anything?"

Clark simply nods in response. "What's he like?" he questions, raising an eyebrow. "He's on the football team with you, yes? How has his performance been this year in comparison to past years?"

_What the actual fuck?_

"Kwan's… he's… _what_?" I question, trying to come up with _some_ kind of reason why government agents are at Casper High. This doesn't make any fucking sense, why are they asking me about Kwan?

The agent lets out a breath and his expression shifts into something so cold as he stares at me. "Alright. Let's try this again." He leans forward and taps something on the device in the center of the table and waits a beat before tapping it again. My gaze drifts down to watch his movements and I realize what the hell that device is.

"Why are you recording this?" I ask, my voice softer than I thought it would be.

Clark glances up at me, slowly leaning back in his seat. "We're with the government, Mr. Baxter. We record everything." He glances over his tablet screen before nodding and looking at me again. "So, your friend Kwan. Has he had any kind of personality shift over the past several months? Anyone new come into his life?"

"Uhh… he met some guy on Grindr or something like… at the beginning of the summer," I say, shaking my head as he nods, repeatedly tapping on his tablet. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"That's on a need-to-know basis, Mr. Baxter. We'll move on for now. What about your girlfriend, Paulina Sanchez? How long have you been together with her? Describe her personality to me."

He continues to stare down at his tablet as the silence stretches on and eventually, he looks up at me with a raised eyebrow. What the fuck does he expect me to do? Offer up whatever information he's fishing for? I don't know a goddamn thing, I have no fucking clue why they've called _me_ back here.

Clark folds his hands over top of each other with a heavy sigh. "This'll go a lot easier if you just tell me what I'm looking for. After we're finished here, you can go home." He glances down at his device again before fixing me with his stare. "What is Paulina Sanchez like?"

"Fucking hell, I don't know. She's a cheerleader. Bubbly as fuck when she wants to be but she can be downright scary when she's pissed off. What the _hell_ does this have to do with anything?" I demand.

He nods like it's exactly the answer he was looking for as I drop my hands into my lap out of frustration. He waits a beat before drawing in a breath. "Any new additions to your group? New students or just people you never noticed before?"

"Why are you asking me this shit?" I don't know what the hell this agent is looking for but whatever it is, I guarantee he won't find it in any of my friends. And why is our principal just letting this go on? Did they convince her this was a good idea? Cause it's fucking not. I don't even know why he's asking these kinds of questions, it doesn't make any sense.

"Dash, have you ever seen something you couldn't explain?" the agent asks, pulling me from my thoughts. He studies me, not waiting for any kind of response before he continues. "Anything that seemed a little strange at the time but now that you look back, it's just… unnatural? Something you think about and you still wonder if you imagined the whole thing?"

I don't like the lump quickly growing in my throat at the first thought that comes to mind. Cause I'm thinking about Danny and when he stopped that car from crashing into my face. I wouldn't have an answer for Clark right now if it wasn't for him. Cause I wouldn't fucking be here if Danny hadn't stopped the car. And I'm pretty sure that's more than a little strange.

"This is the time for you to tell me anything like that. Don't worry or feel guilty for turning your friends in. My team and I are here to help them. Don't you want us to help those that need it, Dash?" he asks, his voice soft. He's talking to me like I'm a little kid he can convince. But there's no way in hell I'm turning Danny over to these guys. I have no fucking clue what they would do to him if I were to even mention the possibility of the car.

Clark watches me in silence for a few seconds before he draws in a breath, leaning forward. "Dash… have you seen something strange?"

I don't know what the fuck the government would want with Danny but I seriously doubt they'd fucking help him. No way in hell am I handing him over to these people. Even if Danny won't tell me how the fuck he stopped the car and even if he'll never admit that there's something strange about him, I'm not gonna let these agents get their hands on him. My voice sounds stilted to my own ears when I utter the lie but I say it anyway. It's the only way to keep Danny safe.

"No."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Ayyyyy, nothing like a little angst, huh? ;P
> 
> Yoo! Welcome back to another update – this chapter is one of the last short ones. (I actually just noticed that it's literally one long scene?? There are no scene breaks O_O) After this, I'm pretty sure they're all at least 7k. Which is good news for you cause holy shit, do you guys have a lot of stuff coming
> 
> I've been waiting to post this chapter for such a long time. I've said this to a friend multiple times but I'm gonna say it for you as well. Chapter 45 for me is very much like hitting a giant "go" button on this fic. It's had a slow as f start/build-up but this chapter is the beginning of everything. We've had enough character set-up and slow-burn to last a lifetime, it's time for shit to start happening. And boy does it. I can't wait for you to see everything unfold and watch your reactions to it. I still can't believe we reached this point in the story and I'm so happy that you guys have stuck it out this far. Thank you for leaving your responses here or through a message on tumblr – it really does mean the world to me
> 
> I'm so proud of Dash for realizing his growing feelings for Danny. The boy in this chapter is a far cry from the quarterback I first started writing about. Honestly, watching him evolve every chapter has been so great to watch. He's definitely nowhere near comfortable enough to act on these feelings but he's starting to gain confidence with him. And hey, Kwan's starting to pick up on it now so he won't be alone in this for long
> 
> ….…so… how about those government agents? ;p
> 
> The Cab inspired this chapter title with their song "Angel With A Shotgun." Overall, I feel that the song isn't as dark as this chapter slowly progressed to but I think it fits Dash's feelings/thoughts toward Danny. He's gunna protect that space nerd forever ;p
> 
> Again, thank you for sticking with this story, it means a lot to me. You truly keep this fic going. (Poor Dash would still be in the closet if you all weren't here ;P) I'll see you guys next update! (check my tumblr for more information between/about updates)


	46. The Moment of Truth and The Moment To Lie

Agent Clark asks me shit about practically every fucking student in Casper High for what feels like _hours_ but eventually, he tells me I'm free to go. He gives my phone and the rest of my shit back to me and then I'm following him out of the teacher's lounge.

While he starts for the gym, I pause by a row of lockers, digging my phone from my pocket. Danny told me to cause some kind of distraction and I think I've finally found the perfect thing. The entire time Clark was searching for answers and rambling on, I was trying to come up with something and it clicked toward the end of our fucked-up conversation.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**White suit rambled on for fucking ever, I'm sorry. Working on distraction now. Get ready to disappear** _

I don't have any idea how he plans on slipping out of the gym and past the rest of those agents without being noticed but if what I have planned is enough… he won't really need much more than a few seconds. I just hope that I'm not too late.

My phone vibrates in my hand as I jog down the hallway and I only pause to read Danny's response once I'm standing in front of the pull lever for the fire alarm. I couldn't come up with anything else and if there's one thing that always gets everyone distracted, it's the sound of this alarm.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**I'm ready. Thank you.** _

God, I can only imagine how freaked he must be. I'm not exactly the most observant person in the world but even an idiot could figure out that Danny knows what's going on. And whatever the fuck this is about, it's clearly freaking him the fuck out. Agent Clark kept asking questions about seeing strange things and from the way my heart was fucking _hammering_ , he might as well have asked directly if Danny was somehow related to them.

My hands are sweaty as I reach out to the lever. I curl my fingers around it and take a final breath in before I pull it. The sound immediately rings throughout the school and ink spews from the pull lever, coating my palm. _Shit, I forgot it did that._

I don't exactly have time to think about the ink if I'm gonna avoid getting caught so I start down the hallway again, my backpack thumping against me with every step. The sound of my shoes squeaking against the floor is louder to me than the alarm. I make it to one of the side exits just before the gym doors slam open and people start running out.

My heart is pounding so fucking hard but I continue to run, out of the school and to my car. I throw my bag into the backseat and slam my car into drive before I even have time to think. I'm shaking and halfway down the road beside the school before I remember to put on my seat-belt. The last thing I need is to get pulled over while I'm shaking like crazy.

Shit, did I really just pull the fire alarm to get Danny out of there? Jesus Christ, I didn't even wait for any kind of explanation. I just did as he asked me to cause… well… cause I can't stand the thought of anything happening to him.

* * *

I pull my car into a parking lot a couple miles from the school and focus on restarting my heart. I've been driving for nearly fifteen minutes now but I'm still shaky as fuck. I wonder how Danny's doing. He's the one that knows what all this shit is about, not me. God, I can only imagine how freaked out he must be right now.

There's only a few seconds of debate before I take my phone from my pocket again and type out a text to Danny. I'm usually pretty fast when I text but I spend so much time rewriting the message, it ends up taking me half a damn decade before I'm able to push send.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**You okay? Make it out alright?** _

It still sounds too casual but it's not like I'm gonna confess my deep, dark, _gay_ love for him over a text message. I like texts as much as any of my friends but there are some things that should be done in person. That is definitely one of those things. Not to mention this is _clearly_ not the time to bring that shit up.

My phone stays silent for an agonizing two and a half minutes before his response comes through. It takes me nearly that length of time just to type in my passcode cause I'm so fucking nervous.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks, Dash. You have no idea what you just did for me.** _

I _want_ to know what I just did for him. Besides the obvious, which is getting him out of the gym. Why were those agents there? Why the _fuck_ did it freak Danny out so badly? And what the fuck was up with the game of twenty questions? And our principal was just letting this go on? What the hell did they tell her they were doing all of this for?

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Can I come by your place? Kind of got a lot of questions** _

I don't know what I even want to ask him but so many things are crowding up my brain and I doubt it'll get any better until I'm with him again. I don't think he'll want to answer half of the questions I have and I won't have it in me to force any answers but… I gotta know at least a little something. He can't leave me in the dark like this.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**No. I'm sorry.** _

Apparently he _can_ leave me in the dark. I just pulled a fire alarm for him and he's not even gonna tell me why? God, I'm not asking him to get into all the messy details of this shit or anything, just… give me _something_. I can't wonder what the fuck I just did that for. I have a feeling that Danny's gonna leave me in the dark for a long time. A hell of a lot longer than I'm comfortable with.

* * *

Even though I send Danny half a dozen texts over the next two hours, he doesn't respond to any of them. I don't know what the fuck today was about but if he was freaking out just in the gym, I can only imagine how he's doing now. Throughout my text messages, I've told him that he can talk to me about anything and that I'm not gonna tell anyone anything. But I guess he's not going to either.

I'm not sure if I can even blame Danny for not wanting to talk about whatever the hell went down today. I probably wouldn't know how to take whatever he told me.

The day stretches on forever and I've just finished eating a shitty microwave meal when my doorbell rings. For a few seconds, I can only stand in the kitchen and listen to the sound before I realize that if it's dad out there, at least I won't be alone anymore.

I ditch the microwave tray in the garbage can before I make my way into the living room, digging my phone out to check the time as I go. It's just after six and the only unread text message on my phone is Kwan's latest response. I half-heartedly type back "lol" to Kwan before I toss my phone on the couch and turn to the door again. I inhale deeply before I open the door, my hands cold around the doorknob.

Two police officers stare back at me and both flash their badges before I push open the screen.

"E-Evening, officers…" I stammer, my stomach hitting the floor. What the hell are two cops doing here? Shit, it's dad, isn't it? He's in some kind of trouble and needs me to come bail him out. No wait… he could make one phone call for that. And I doubt he'd call me. Shit, he's not… did something happen to him? Fucking hell, if these officers are here to tell me that dad is-

"Mr. Baxter, mind stepping outside with us?" the officer on the right asks. His nametag reads Garrett, and though it sounds familiar, I don't remember ever seeing him before. And I've been to the station tons of times in the past. Must be someone new.

I do recognize his partner, Toby Moore, but the smile he gives me does nothing to ease the worry quickly building in my chest. I step out onto the porch with the officers, pulling the door closed behind me.

"You want to explain why you pulled the fire alarm at Casper High this afternoon?" Moore questions, the smile disappearing as he folds his arms over his chest. My heart's pounding and I have no excuse prepared. I didn't think much beyond getting Danny out of the school.

When I can't manage more than a few broken stuttered words, officer Garrett takes a step closer to me, one hand going to his nightstick. He watches me carefully and after a few seconds of silence pass, he nods down toward my waist. "Hold out your hands toward me. Nice and slow."

My hands are trembling but I extend them out toward the officers, my palm and fingers on my left hand still coated in the ink. I tried to scrub it off when I got home and though it's faded a little, nothing really worked on it.

"Look, Dash. We've already seen the security footage and we know you're the one who pulled the fire alarm," Moore says, uncrossing his arms to place a hand on my shoulder. I'm still trembling as I drop my hands back to my sides and raise my stare to his but his expression is kind. "You can avoid the trip to the station if you just admit to it and we speak with your dad. I'd rather not have to do the whole ritual and slap a pair of cuffs on the chief's son, alright?"

Sh-Shit. I really like the sound of not having to go down to the station. I just want to stay home and forget that I was dumb enough to think that there wouldn't be some kind of consequences. But it's not like dad's here to handle this for me.

"M-My dad's out of town," I say, the breath leaving me as I speak. Shit. I can't believe I did something so stupid without thinking about it. Dad's not here to help me out of this situation and Jesus Christ, I don't know what to do.

Moore looks at his partner for a few seconds before he lets out a heavy sigh. He meets my gaze as he slides his handcuffs from his belt. "Dash Baxter, you're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and-"

He tells me my rights but I don't hear any of it beyond the first few sentences. My mind goes completely blank. Every bit of information he's telling me doesn't stick in my brain. I feel like I'm about to pass out as I feel one cuff around my left wrist. I sway a little when Moore turns me around to cuff my other wrist and then I'm being led to the squad car.

The last thing I notice before I'm pushed into the car is the old lady across the street. She's standing on her front porch with oven mitts clutched tightly in one hand and her other covering her mouth. I wonder if she's been baking cookies again. Maybe she would have brought some over if the police hadn't beaten her to my front door.

* * *

I watch the houses in my neighborhood streak past me like this is any other day. Like I'm not watching the scenery from the backseat of a police car. Like the officers in the front aren't talking into their radios about me. About what I _did_.

The neighbor that used to pick me up at the bus-stop when my mom was late with work is out in her front yard, trimming a few bushes. She must recognize me as the cop car crawls by her house from the way her head tilts to one side but I can't tear my gaze away from her as we pass. I wonder what she thinks about when she sees me like this. Handcuffed in the backseat of a police cruiser on my way down to the station. Listening to the non-stop hum of the goddamn radio.

"… _copy that. Sending directions to your GPS now,"_ a female voice crackles over the radio.

Officer Moore glances at his partner, nodding toward the GPS mounted just above the passenger side cup-holder. "What the hell do they want with this kid?" he asks, flicking his gaze to the rearview mirror to look at me.

"Who knows?" Officer Garrett responds, exhaling out a breath as he turns out of my neighborhood and onto the main stretch of road in this town. He glances in the rearview mirror a couple times during the drive but neither officer says another word.

We pass buildings and places I recognize for a long stretch of silence but the longer the car rumbles along the badly paved highway running through Amity Park, the closer we get to the county line. Buildings with faded lettering on the outside pass by my window and it hits me that we're not headed to the police station anymore.

My throat is dry and scratchy as I swallow but I find steel-tipped courage in the bottom of my gut. It takes every ounce of my strength to draw on that fleeting feeling gnawing away in the pit of my stomach but I manage to long enough to speak.

"H-Hey… I thought we were going to the station," I mumble, all that strength flooding from me when Officer Moore meets my gaze in the rear-view mirror. _Shit._

He glances toward his partner before he turns a little in his seat to look at me. His eyebrows draw down and he chews on the corner of his lip. "We were. Got a call to reroute you somewhere else instead." Moore hesitates a second before he lets out a low breath. "Did you know-"

"That's enough, Moore. You know chief told us to cooperate with Division on this case." Officer Garett cuts his partner a look, roughly shaking his head before his gaze returns to the road.

Moore grits his teeth, letting out a breath. "This is his _kid,_ Garrett. Don't you think he'd want to know that _they're_ interested in him?"

Garrett shrugs and keeps his stare on the road but his grip on the steering wheel tightens. Moore sighs heavily, shaking his head as he turns around in his seat. He spares a final glance at me in the mirror before the silence settles over us again. Anxiety is rising in the pit of my stomach, quickly smothering the fleeting courage I felt only moments ago. Where the fuck are they taking me?

* * *

The parking lot Garrett pulls to a stop in is vacant and in the shadows of the last rays of sun, the sight sends chills down my spine. The building in front of the car is looming and the thousand windows on the front reflect the sun back at us. A line of trees are planted along one side of the building, the grass in front carefully manicured. Two tall columns flank either side of the door and the sheer vastness of the place makes my gut clench.

Garrett exchanges a look with his partner before they both open their doors. Moore opens my door and waits for me to climb out. My hands are still cuffed behind my back so it isn't exactly easy but I make it out in one piece. I just hope I come out of whatever the fuck this is the same way.

We walk in silence across the lot and up the barren sidewalk – free of any of those annoying grass sprouts that always seem to make their way through every crack in the pavement. The inside of the building is well-lit and a lot less creepy than I thought it'd be, judging from the outside. There's a receptionist behind a desk dead ahead and elevators off to either side of her.

Moore heads for the receptionist and I start to follow after him but Garrett grabs my arm. He points to a handful of chairs in front of a row of windows and tells me to sit. I'm almost grateful for the hard plastic my ass collapses onto cause my legs are shaking and my heart is pounding. _All I did was pull a fucking fire alarm, what the hell is all this for?_

I keep my gaze on the ground, trying to remind myself how to breathe, and Garrett sits down in a chair next to me. He's instantly on his phone and I crave the distraction mine would give me. But my hands are cuffed and the most I can do is stare at the floor.

Footsteps are approaching the two of us and I look up to watch Moore heading our way, quickly followed by a guy in a white suit. He's not the one I talked to at school earlier but he's one of them. A government agent. My stomach fucking plummets as he glances between Moore and Garret, who's gotten to his feet somewhere during my panic.

"On behalf of everyone at Division, we thank you for your services to our mission," the agent says, nodding at the officers. "Gentleman, I'll take it from here."

Moore glances in my direction with a concerned stare before he lets out a breath. "Agent Smith are you sure this isn't some kind of mix-up? At the debriefing, our chief told us what your team is doing here but… Look, I know this kid, alright? I can vouch for him, I don't think he's what you're looking for."

Agent Smith shuts him down with a cold look. "Again. Division thanks you for your help. We'll take it from here."

Garrett shares a look with his partner before they both turn to leave. Cold shivers run up and down my spine when the exit door closes behind the officers. I can barely breathe as the agent tells me to follow after him and my legs threaten to collapse with every step I take. _What the fuck is going on?_

My chest is constricting painfully and the silence stretches over the two of us as we cross the floor toward the elevators. I try to keep myself from shaking but it starts in my hands and spirals up until my entire left arm is twitching uncontrollably.

Agent Smith steps inside the elevator and I somehow force myself to follow him. He hits the button for floor 7 and the elevator door slides closed. The tremors are rocking through me and I know I'm not the only one that can hear how fucked up my breathing is. _Shit, what am I doing here?_

The doors part too soon and the agent steps off, waiting until I follow him, before he starts down a hall. I have no fucking clue where I'm being led and I have the urge to run. To slip past all of the agents we pass by on our way further down a never-ending hallway and just fucking bolt.

I stop when Smith does in front of a large metal door. He leans down next to the door handle and it's like some kind of fucking spy movie just came to life in front of me with the way his retina is scanned and he's granted access to the room.

"Have a seat, Baxter," Smith instructs me, his expression cold and unreadable. I step past him into the room, taking in the four white walls around me, without a single window anywhere. The only furniture this room boasts is four white chairs and a matching white table. I've been inside the police station enough times to recognize that this is some kind of interrogation room. I expect the agent to follow after me as I take several steps inside but he doesn't. He leaves, clicking the door shut behind him and I expel out a low breath, collapsing into one chair.

My nerves are eating me alive and I try to focus on keeping my breathing steady. It's not exactly easy when I can't stop thinking about why I'm trying to stay calm considering where the fuck I am. And I still have no fucking clue why I'm here. I pulled a goddamn fire alarm, does this really warrant bringing in the fucking government?

The door opens and agent Smith is back, accompanied by another agent, who he introduces as Davis. She's a tall, lean woman with short black hair, her expression just as cold and unreadable as Smith's. She's clutching a small computer against her chest along with a stack of folders. I try to school my expression into something a little less freaked out but I lose that battle when Smith settles down in the chair opposite me.

"Dash Baxter, you spoke to one of our agents at Casper High this afternoon, agent Clark. Do you remember talking to him?" Smithasks as Davisopens the computer. She taps a few keys and I watch her in silence, trying to calm the fuck down.

Smith snaps his fingers a few times, his hand inches from my face. "Answer my question."

I let out a breath, the nerves clawing at my insides. "Y-Yeah… I remember talking to him."

"What did the conversation entail?" Smith asks, darting a glance toward the computer next to Davis. She taps something onto the keyboard and leans closer to the screen before they're both looking at me again.

Davis's eyebrows draw down and she flips open a folder, rifling through the contents. "Baxter, you'll do well not to hesitate on your answers," she says, leaning forward to drop something on the table in front of me.

My breath catches at the two photographs she's dropped onto the table. They're both grainy as fuck but I can tell that it's dad in the first one. There's a timestamp in the corner of the photo, telling me it was taken earlier today. He's heading out of a hotel, his gaze on his phone, and I feel like I'm gonna fucking vomit. The second photo is of mom, just as grainy as the first one. She's stepping into some kind of office, looking down at several papers in her hand, with a frown clear in her expression. The timestamp on her photo matches the one on dad's and I feel a lump growing in my throat.

"You love your parents, don't you?" agent Davis asks me, giving me a sympathetic look when I glance up. "Of course you do. You wouldn't want anything to happen to them, right?"

I swallow thickly, turning my gaze to Smith who raises an eyebrow in question. I exhale out a breath, briefly closing my eyes in an attempt to push the anxiety far away from me, before I respond, my own voice gravelly to my ears.

"We… talked about school. A-And my friends," I mumble, feeling the nervous tension roll over me at the thought of these agents doing anything to my parents or anyone else I care about. _What the fuck am I doing here?_

Davis types something onto her keyboard before she gathers up the images of my parents, spreading out a stack of photos on the table. "Who are these people?" she asks as Smith leans forward to prop his elbow on the table, watching me intently.

I spare a glance at the photographs laid out in front of me, my mind spinning as I try to make sense of this fucked-up situation. I pulled a fire alarm. It happens all the fucking time in this town. So why the fuck am I sitting across from two government agents?

The photos are of my teammates and students in Casper High and I start rattling off names as they come to me. Agent Smith sorts the photos into two piles but I have no idea how he's deciding what belongs where.

Agent Davis slides more and more pictures in front of me until we've gone through every student and teacher currently attending or teaching at Casper High. It feels like hours have passed by the time I've finished listing off everyone I can remember the names of and I have no fucking clue how long it's actually been. Even though I inwardly hope that they'll let me go now, I already know that they're nowhere close to finished with me.

"In Casper High today, you pulled the fire alarm," agent Davis says, tapping a stack of papers against the table until they line up. "You were trying to create a distraction, weren't you?" she asks and I drag in a slow, measured breath. I have to claw at the edges of my sanity to come up with a convincing lie. Of course I pulled that fire alarm to cause a fucking distraction, what else was I supposed to do?

I exhale out, a shiver running through me as I shake my head. "I did… pull the alarm. A-And I _was_ … trying to create a distraction. Cause I'd been talking to that agent for a long time and…"

Davis leans forward, her eyebrows raised. " _And?_ " she prompts.

Her stare is intense and I run my tongue along my teeth in the silence, letting out a heavy breath. "After all that talking with the agent… I was bored as fuck and decided to sacrifice myself in order to set the rest of the student body free. So they wouldn't have to suffer the way I did."

Smith starts a little, exhaling out an irritated sigh. "This isn't a game, Baxter. People are getting hurt. Our men are working around the clock to gather the intel we need." He leans forward, leveling me with a glare when I sigh. "You aren't making this any easier on yourself. We are prepared to take this as far as we need to in order to get answers from you."

"You know I'm underage, right?" I snap, pushing out a breath. "Aren't you supposed to have one of my parents here? Y'know, so you don't get your ass sued?"

Agent Davis clears her throat before Smith has a chance to answer. She folds her hands over top one another, staring at me intently. "We're the government, Baxter. We play by an entirely different set of rules. Especially with this situation."

"God, _what_ situation?" I demand, leaning forward in my chair. "Why am I getting shit for pulling a fucking fire alarm? It happens all the time, since _when_ does the government get involved in this kind of shit?"

"Since you impeded our investigation into Casper High this afternoon," Smith responds, pressing his palms against the table as he leans across it, his face close to mine. I can smell the lingering scent of coffee on his breath as he hisses out another empty threat. "We will keep you here all night if that's what it takes to get you to talk."

I groan, leaning back in my chair with a sigh. "Can you at least take the cuffs off of me?" I question, rolling my shoulders out of the position they've been in for the past few hours. Or… what _feels_ like hours anyway. I have no fucking clue how long it's actually been.

"Not until we're finished," agent Davis responds, raising an eyebrow when I shift my gaze to her. "What do you know about the phantom?"

_What… the fuck?_

My expression must read like I'm not willing to talk because she leans back in her chair. "We can do this all night, Baxter." She shrugs, tapping the tip of a pen against the table.

"I don't… understand," I slowly respond, shaking my head. "You were… _that's_ why you were at school today? For this whole phantom thing?"

Smith shares a look with the other agent before he pushes out a breath, looking back to me. "At the moment… we're looking into the case. We believe the phantom may have an accomplice at Casper High. Now answer the question. What do you know about the phantom?"

"Uhh… practically nothing. My dad's…. mentioned a few things about sightings and I've heard shit on the news but..." I trail off, shrugging a little. "I don't know, nothing that really matters, I guess?"

Davis types on the computer as I talk, glancing at Smith when I fall silent. They have a conversation with just one look and he shifts his gaze to me again, clearing his throat.

"Who told you to pull the fire alarm?" he questions, oblivious to the irritation quickly growing in me. Shit, _no one_ told me to pull that damn fire alarm. I did it myself. Cause I wanted to- …protect Danny. I… pulled that alarm for him. Shit, that's not why he asked me to cause a distraction, is it? Is Danny… _helping_ the phantom?

I shake my head, putting on my best confused expression. "No one. I told you… I-I pulled the fire alarm cause I was _bored_ ," I tell them, pushing out an irritated sigh when neither one of them look like they're gonna believe me. "I don't know a goddamn thing about the phantom, okay? I'm just a kid. I'm not some kind of an accomplice in a stupid case or some shit. I'm on the football team. I work at an auto-garage. I don't know what the _fuck_ you're looking for but I can guarantee, I'm not it."

The agents share another look and I groan, pushing out my breath in a sigh. I don't think they're gonna let me go anytime soon. All cause they think I know some shit cause I pulled a fucking fire alarm.

* * *

I'm pretty sure _days_ pass in that windowless room but eventually, the questions stop and the agents start gathering up their stuff. Davis closes the computer and Smith gathers the papers into a neat stack, sliding the images into a folder.

Smith lets out a breath before he looks at me. "Sit tight. An officer will be along to collect you soon," he says, pushing his chair back from the table. Wait, _what_?

"An officer?" I ask, looking between the two agents when they stand up. "To take me home?"

Davis shakes her head, shifting the weight of the computer to her other arm. "To take you to the station. You're off the hook with us for now but you still have the police to answer to for your actions today. You can't expect to get away with what you did."

My breath escapes me and I stutter on the few words I manage to choke out. "I-It's a _misdemeanor_ … wh-why the hell am I-"

"We don't make the rules, Baxter. We enforce them," Smith says, nodding at the other agent before they're both heading for the door. Just before he steps out, he turns back to me, a smirk lifting up one corner of his mouth. "And just so you're aware, when we're finished, the police will be charging this as a felony."

He slams the door closed behind him and I'm left in stunned silence. What the fuck? A _felony?_ What I did wasn't even that bad, why the fuck are they going after me like this?

I groan, sliding down further in my chair despite the way it makes the cuffs chafe against my wrists. When I pulled that fire alarm today, I wasn't expecting the police to show up on my doorstep. I wasn't expecting fucking government agents to haul my ass in and question me. I was just doing it to protect Danny. I have no idea why he asked me to distract everyone but I managed to do it and I've always told him I want to help. But goddammit, I never expected to get involved in all of this. Whatever the hell _this_ is.

It doesn't take long for an officer to show up and I doze off in the backseat on the way to the station. He's pulling the car into a space in the parking lot when I wake up and I try to shake off the sleepiness as he opens my door.

The booking process takes forever and I'm left in the cell for way longer than I have the patience for. My head is pounding by the time the officers let me have my phone call and the ringing sound is making the ache worse. I lean my forehead against the wall, letting out a breath just as the call connects.

" _Hello?"_

I can hear the sound of the garage going on in the background of the call and I guess Alex is still at the shop. I hate pulling him away from work but I don't have anyone else to call. Whoever comes to pick up my stupid ass has to be an adult, so Kwan's out. And no way in hell am I asking him to have his mom come get me. I might love her cooking but I draw the line at having her bail me out of _jail_.

"H-Hey, Alex. I-It's Dash," I mumble, my voice shaky on the response. I don't want to drag this out so I get straight to the point. "I need your help."

Silence ticks away for a few seconds before he asks. _"Yeah? What's going on?"_

God, I really hate doing this. I wish there was someone else I could call right now. I don't want to take Alex away from his work and whatever else he had planned for tonight. Fuck, why did this have to happen when dad's out of town?

" _Dash?"_ Alex questions, snapping me back to reality and reminding me that I don't have long.

I exhale out, lifting my head from the wall to run my hand through my hair. "I-I'm kind of… I'm at the police station. I need you to c-come pick me up. Might… have to sign some things for me." I hope that he gets the unspoken, "I was arrested" so I don't have to say that part out loud.

He's silent for a few seconds but just when I think he's gonna tell me to explain the situation, he responds with a sigh. _"Jesus, Dash. Alright, I'll be there soon."_

The line goes dead and the weight of the phone suddenly feels so much heavier as I hang it up. I'm escorted back to my cell where I'm left alone again and my headache slowly gets worse. I don't know how I manage to get myself into these situations but leave it to me to end up spending a night being fucking interrogated by government agents and sitting in a holding cell.

An officer comes to get me about half an hour after my phone call and leads me down a long hallway. I see Alex before he sees me, taking in his tense posture as I continue walking toward him. He's talking to an officer and gesturing pretty frequently, a frown obvious on his face. He lets out a sigh and shakes his head, catching sight of me with the movement.

He closes the distance between us and the officer undoes the handcuffs around my wrists. Alex brushes his fingers against my skin and I know he's surprised by the irritation there. The marks barely hurt but I don't stop Alex from making sure I'm okay.

The officer comes back with an envelope that has my shit inside before Alex and I are leaving the station together. The silence is killing me as our footsteps sound across the gravel and I can't think of anything to say. _'Thank you'_ sounds so hollow in my mind and it's not like I'm gonna explain what the fuck just happened.

My hand closes around the door handle of Alex's Challenger but he stops me from opening it by placing his hand on the door. I raise my eyes to his and he searches my expression, slowly shaking his head.

"What happened?" he asks softly, looking more concerned than angry. I wish he'd just be angry. I know how to deal with angry people. They're a hell of a lot easier to handle, even if they can be a bit unpredictable. At least I know how to take someone's anger. Their concern? Fuck me.

My hand drops from the door and I stare down at the pavement, trying to come up with a way to explain. There's no point in lying, I'm sure he'll hear about it soon enough. But if I tell him the truth, I'm afraid the rest of the story is gonna come out. And I'll tell him about the government agents. About the phantom case. About how Danny might be a fucking accomplice to one of the biggest cases to hit Amity Park.

"Dash, what is it?" Alex asks, lifting my chin so I meet his gaze.

Shit. Maybe I _can_ explain everything to him. Tell him that I pulled the fire alarm cause Danny asked me to create a distraction. And I did it simply cause he asked me to. And that there's something special about him. I don't know what it is but he's so fucking special. I want to spill my fucking guts but if I do, Alex will ask for the whole story and I'm exhausted.

"I-I pulled the fire alarm in school," I mumble, my left hand twitching a little with the confession. Alex's eyebrows draw down and he drops his hand from my chin. He stares back at me like he's trying to figure out if I'm lying or not.

"You were arrested for that? You weren't given some kind of warning?" Alex asks, folding his arms over his chest. "I don't understand, it's not like you have some kind of criminal record going against you. Why would they arrest you for something like that?"

I don't have an answer for him cause this whole damn mess wouldn't have happened if those government agents weren't at school today. They were pissed that their search and find was interrupted and decided to take it out on me cause why the fuck not?

"Why'd you do it?" Alex asks and my sharp inhale isn't exactly quiet. "You can tell me anything. You know that, don't you?" He uncrosses his arms to place them on my shoulders and I feel obligated to look up at him as I nod.

I manage to hold his gaze as I shrug and mumble my half-assed answer. "I was bored."

The look Alex gives me is some cross between 'are you serious?' and 'I call bullshit'. The latter half easily wins out and he raises an eyebrow, apparently waiting for the truth. _Shit, Alex. I don't have any truth to give you. This whole fucked-up situation is too weird to even think about right now._

"I don't know, alright? I was just… I was walking around during my free period and I got bored. I've never pulled the alarm before so I wanted to see what it was like. I didn't think anyone would catch me," I lie, taking a step backward and pushing his hands off me.

We hold each other's gaze for a few seconds before I look away, gesturing to his car. "Look… I'm exhausted. Can you just take me home now?" I really don't want to freak the fuck out in the parking lot of the police station.

Alex doesn't respond but he backs away from the door and I quickly open it before settling down in the passenger seat. He crosses in front of his car as I slam the door shut behind me, and soon enough, he's sliding into the driver's seat. He twists the keys into the ignition before turning to look at me. I try to pretend like I don't see him looking but after a few seconds of silence, a stuttered exhale leaves me.

For some reason, Alex decides against calling me on it and just tells me to put my seatbelt on before he's pulling out of the parking lot. I send up a silent thank you to whichever god was looking out for me. I really don't want to lie to Alex but I still haven't processed even half of the shit that went down today. I pulled that alarm to protect _Danny_ but… does that mean I'm protecting the phantom too?

* * *

I watch storm clouds gather in the sky and streak past the windows for a long time before Alex pulls the car over, the engine idling quietly. We're still a couple miles from my house and Alex speaks before I can question it.

"I want to help you. And I'll do everything in my power to do so," he says, his gaze out the windshield. I try to follow his line of sight but there's nothing there. He's just staring so he doesn't have to make eye contact with me. Probably a good thing, considering I'd look away the second he does. "But I need to know everything. The whole story, from start to finish."

_Fuck, Alex. I can't._ I turn my gaze back out the window with a sigh, watching the lightning flash in the distance. If I tell anyone that I pulled the alarm to get Danny out of school, they'll ask why. And I can't have any questions directed back at him cause… I don't know the fucking answer. I was just _arrested_ and questioned by government agents for doing a favor for Danny and I still have no idea _why_ I did it.

"That _is_ the whole story," I lie, not bothering to try to disguise the exhale that comes along with it. I can't have this conversation. I don't know what to say and what not to say. I can't implicate Danny in any way and I really don't want to fucking lie to Alex.

Alex slams the heel of his hand onto the steering wheel. "God, Dash!" he yells, suddenly turning to look at me. He lets out a frustrated sigh, breaking the previous silence. "How the hell am I supposed to help you if I don't know what's going on? Do you really expect me to believe you did something so stupid just because you were _bored_?"

He doesn't give me a chance to respond before he's taking off his seatbelt and turning to face me. "It isn't like you. And in case you missed it, the police aren't taking this lightly. They've labeled it a felony. A _felony_ , Dash. This could potentially go on your permanent record, hinder any college acceptances, hold you back from-"

"It's not like it even matters!" I respond, a hell of a lot louder than I meant to. "You don't have to tell me how serious a felony is, alright? My dad's a cop, I _know_ how serious this is. But it's not like I can do anything about it now."

"You could at least act like you give a shit!" Alex slams his hand against the wheel again and I can't sit here while he's angry. My left hand is starting to twitch. I was wrong. I'm used to _dad_ being angry. I know how to deal with him but…I don't think I can handle seeing Alex like this.

I pull my seatbelt off and open the passenger door, almost falling onto the grass as I get out of the car. Alex calls out to me but I cut him off by slamming the door closed. I start down the side of the road, moving away from his car and after only a second or two, he gets out of the car and slams the door closed behind him.

"Where are you going?" he calls out, his footsteps quickly following after me. I don't bother responding, there's no point now. I'm sort of going home but I'm mostly just going away. As far as I can from Alex.

He groans, his stride never breaking as he follows after me. "Dash, come on. Let me take you home, alright? I'll shut up and take you home, just come on."

Not having to walk home sounds better than this but I don't think I can get back in the car with him right now. I think I need to be alone or maybe just not with him. God, I've barely had time to think about the shit that went down today before Alex asked what happened.

"Whatever's so horrible, you don't have to hide it from me. I thought you trusted me," he says, continuing after me. I try not to turn over his words in my mind a million fucking times but it's like telling myself not to breathe. I can't help it, it's just what I do.

I stop, turning around to give him a glare. "Oh really? The way you trust me, huh?" I ask, scoffing when he has the fucking nerve to look confused. "Come on, don't play dumb. I heard you and Anastasia the other day. There's something you're supposed to tell me?"

Alex's eyebrows draw down and he slowly shakes his head. "Dash, now… isn't the time to talk about that. It's not…" He looks away from me, blowing out a breath in the silence. A few seconds tick by before I turn away from him, starting down the sidewalk again. If he wants me to be honest with him, he should fucking be honest with _me_.

"You know you can't always run away from everything, right? That doesn't work like you think it will," Alex calls softly after me, and his words send liquid fire coursing through my veins. _Run away? What fucking right does he have to talk to me about running away_?

Something in me snaps the way the thunder cracks in the air, the sound deafening the both of us. I turn to face Alex again, my heart hammering in my chest and lodging in my throat at the same time. I don't know what makes me say it and I regret it almost as soon as it leaves my mouth.

"Like you're one to talk. Can't even have a fucking conversation about your ex-girlfriend," I spit, hating the expression that takes over Alex's face. We're frozen, holding each other's stare as the first few drops of rain hit the pavement between us and splash onto our skin.

Alex just stares back at me and I wish he'd say something. I wish he'd be angry with me for bringing up Kendra, or pissed off that I won't just get back in the car. But instead of being angry, he just looks hurt and confused. _Fuck, don't look at me like that, please just don't look at me like that._

"Did you pull the fire alarm for Danny?" Alex asks and another thunder clap sounds, drowning out my strangled gasp. Why the fuck is he asking me something like that? Am I that fucking obvious in the way I care about Danny? Does he already know that I'm at the point of doing something illegal for him if he simply asks me to?

I don't know what to tell him and the rain is picking up. It's sure to drench the both of us and the longer I look back at Alex, the more my chest aches. Because I pulled that fire alarm for Danny but I have no reason why. I created a distraction because he asked me to. That's all I ever needed to know.

My hands are shaking as I turn away from him and I start down the sidewalk again. Alex calls after me a couple of times but the thunder drowns him out and I don't stop moving forward. Because I can't stick around long enough to try to scramble for some kind of explanation why I did it. How am I supposed to explain something I don't even understand myself?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun DUN!
> 
> Yooo, welcome to chapter 46 – a whole new brand of hell for this fic ;P
> 
> SO HOW ABOUT THOSE GOVERNMENT AGENTS, HUH? Poor Dash NEVER saw this coming. (Kudos to those of you that did, I was grinning so much reading all of your reviews and comments on the last update) Also, can we talk about how Dash thinks Danny's helping the phantom? I swear, that boy needs to buy a clue
> 
> Speaking of Danny… what do you guys think of him refusing to give Dash any kind of information? Dunno about you but if someone asked me to distract a bunch of government agents and refused to tell me why, I think I'd be pretty pissed off. But Dash is too busy dealing with said government agents and Alex to think about being ticked off at the lil space nerd
> 
> And SPEAKING of Alex… how'd you like that sneaky mention there about shit still being a mystery on his end? ;p Oh boy, Dash has NO idea what's coming for him with that situation
> 
> Things have really started moving with the plot and I'm so happy that so many of you have hung on from the very beginning. I know I bring a whole new meaning to the term "slow burn" and I appreciate all of the support you all have continued to give me regardless of that fact. Seriously, it means the world to me
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from This Is War by 30 Seconds to Mars. And actually, I realized that another song fits as well. I listen to a lot of music while writing and realized that along with This Is War, Death Valley by Fall Out Boy also really fit the theme of this chapter. I found myself listening to both of those songs while I was working on this chapter.
> 
> I'm not sure when I'll post again… my birthday is next Saturday so you might see an update the night before if I decide to or it might be another two weeks again. Who knows?
> 
> Thanks for sticking with this story, I really appreciate all of you coming back for every update – means the world to me! I hope you enjoyed this angst and I'll see you guys next update!


	47. Sorely Stitched To My Old Ways

Alex didn't stop too far from my house but it still takes me more than thirty minutes to get home. I wish I hadn't ditched my only ride back because I'm exhausted by the time I make it into my neighborhood. I can't decide if answering Alex's questions would have been easier than trucking it home.

I stop at the edge of my driveway and stare up at my house, shrouded in the darkness of the night. I don't want to be alone again but it's not like it's any better when dad's there. Fuck, I don't think I can be alone right now.

My phone's in my hand as soon as I step inside the house and Kwan answers on the second ring, sounding a little out of breath. " _H-Hello?"_

I don't speak for a few seconds and when I open my mouth to, all that comes out is a really heavy exhale. Kwan's silent while I try to pull myself together long enough to ask the stupid question. It's not like he'll say no but part of me is afraid to ask him if I can stay at his place tonight. He has enough of his own shit to deal with, it's not fair of me to dump mine on him too.

" _Dash?"_ he finally asks when the silence has stretched on too long.

Another sigh leaves me before I say it in a rush. "Can I crash at your place for the night?" I pinch the bridge of my nose between my forefinger and thumb, attempting to give some kind of reason behind it but the things I'm mumbling under my breath are nowhere near coherent.

" _Yeah, of course. I'm not home yet so you might beat me there,"_ he says, hesitating a second or two before asking anyway. _"Did something happen?"_

I don't know if it's better to tell him over the phone or in person that I was arrested and questioned by the government. For doing something so stupid for someone that I care a whole fucking lot about. I could have done anything to cause some kind of distraction, but that was the only thing that came to mind. I was so focused on getting Danny out of there, I didn't really stop to think about what the fuck I was actually doing.

"No, it's just… I don't want to be alone, man," I admit, being partially honest. I really _don't_ want to be alone but… something did happen today. And I can't get it out of my mind no matter how hard I try. It's not just the agents questioning me part. It's everything. The look on Danny's face just before the lights went out in the gym. How panicked he sounded when he spoke, the way he begged me to come up with some kind of distraction… it's all so fucking weird and I don't care if he doesn't want me to be a part of whatever this is, I am now. Whatever the hell he did with the car, preventing me from getting my face scraped all to shit, and what happened today dragged me into this.

Whatever's going on with Danny, I'm in it now, too. And I really don't fucking care if he doesn't want me to be. I can't watch him panic again like he did in the gym. I need to know everything that I can to help him from now on and there's only one person that can tell me everything.

* * *

I tell Kwan I'll be by his place before midnight and I set off for Danny's house. I second-guess myself half a dozen times before I end up parked at the curb in front of his house. I stare up at the window that I guess belongs to his room. His light is still on and every now and then, a shadow passes in front of the window as I watch. I consider just ringing the doorbell so his parents will get him and he won't have a chance to ignore me but something about that rubs me the wrong way.

Danny still hasn't responded to any of my messages from hours ago but I'm willing to bet that he won't be able to ignore this one. Even though I change and rewrite my text a million times before I press send, I end up going with the first thing I typed. It still sounds vaguely threatening to me but I let it go through anyway. I doubt I would have come up with anything better.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Come outside, we need to talk** _

My phone stays silent for a few agonizing minutes before his response pops up on my screen.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Dash, go home.** _

No fucking way am I backing down now. I spent _hours_ with those government agents and in a jail cell tonight. I drove all the way out here to get more than just words on my screen. My chest is aching at the memory of how Danny retreated last time I pushed him for answers but something tells me this time will be different. Something tells me that he needs to tell _someone_ what's going on. I want to be that someone for him. Even if he's helping the phantom, I want to know the truth.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**No. Either you come out or I'm coming in** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Are you serious?** _

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Yes** _

When he doesn't respond for several minutes, I look up and see that he's opened his curtains. He's staring down at my car and though he probably can't see me from where he is, I stare up at him too, only looking away when he responds.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**I'm tired, Dash. Please go home.** _

Part of me wants to give in, just let him know that I'm here for him when he's ready to open up. I want to say okay and go to Kwan's and crash on the air mattress he only keeps around for the nights that I can't take dad or myself for much longer. But the other part of me can't let Danny suffer alone anymore.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**I'm coming up** _

Danny's curtains fall closed again and his shadow disappears from in front of the window. I watch his house for what feels like forever before his front door finally opens. I didn't think I was gonna be able to convince him to talk to me but he starts out of his house, pulling the door closed behind him.

I get out of my car as he approaches, and he pockets his phone before folding his arms over his chest as he crosses over to me. When he stops a few feet away from me, I take a couple of steps forward to close the distance between us. He stares up at me, exhaustion obvious in his features.

"Dash, I-"

"Whatever it is that's so bad you feel like you can't tell me, you can," I say, watching the way his expression falls. "Believe me, Danny, I get it. I'm not gonna freak out or get pissed off no matter what it is. Please trust me."

Danny exhales and the noise sounds like the weariness he feels is part of his soul now. I want to take it from him and sew it to myself instead. I want to bury all his problems so deep inside me, he'd never be able to take them back.

"You… have no idea what you're saying. You can't promise me any of that without knowing everything," he says, shaking his head as he looks away from me. His stare is set out past the tree-line that hides his place from the view of the road and his expression is somewhere between disappointed and just tired.

I take a step closer to him, placing a hand on his upper arm. My fingers tremble with the movement and I feel the goosebumps that rise to his skin at my clumsiness. I almost apologize for it but when he turns to look at me, all thoughts of sorry leave my mind.

"Then tell me everything," I whisper, watching his eyes search my face. Whatever he's looking for, he doesn't find in me and I can't help but feel disappointed. I don't expect him to compare my eyes to stars or to find strength in someone as fucked up as I am but I want him to trust me with anything that hurts. Instead, he looks away from me and shakes his head as the silence extends over us.

I don't know what to say, cause I'm shit when it comes to words, but I gently run my fingers up and down his arm several times, trying to soothe him I guess. It's not like it does that much because whatever's fucking with him won't let him have this moment for too long.

Danny pulls away from me and the distance between us makes the ache in my chest return. I already miss the feeling of his skin against mine and that thought does nothing to calm my pounding heart. I almost think he can hear it because he looks back at me with a puzzled expression that has my blood running cold.

"Why did you come here? You… knew I wouldn't tell you anything," he says, distracting me with the way his teeth capture his bottom lip. I hate myself for tracing the shape of his mouth with my eyes rather than coming up with an answer to his question.

"I-I thought you might change your mind… c-cause… I want to know how to help you," I say, and he sighs. I try to close the distance between us, touch his skin again, but he steps away, preventing me from getting close enough to brush my fingers along his arm.

Danny toes the ground with his shoe, staring down at the scuff in the dirt he's made. "I can't tell you anything, Dash. I'm sorry." He won't look at me, in favor of gazing at the ground, for a long time.

"I pulled a fire alarm for you today," I suddenly say, my voice a lot louder than I meant it to be. "You can't even explain why you needed a distraction?"

He looks up at me before slowly shaking his head. "No." He uncrosses his arms and stares back at me like that's the end of the conversation. Like I don't deserve an explanation despite doing something illegal for him.

"I'll see you at school," he says, turning toward his house again. I watch him walk away but he only gets to take about five steps before I come after him, spinning him around with my hand on his shoulder. Danny's expression is startled as he stares up at me and for a second, all we can hear is each other's breathing.

Danny's gaze is locked onto mine and my breath is shaky as I open and close my mouth. I want to be angry at him for keeping me in the dark but I can't be. Not when he's looking up at me the way that he is. Not while my heart is so tangled around my throat, I can barely speak.

"I-I was arrested tonight," I whisper, watching the way his eyes widen. I curl my fingers in the fabric of his t-shirt as I continue, my voice dying out several times. "I-I was taken to some kind of… government office and these agents questioned me for fucking _hours._ They had photos of my parents, Danny. My _parents._ They threatened to… I don't fucking know but I… I need some answers. Just tell me something… to explain why I had to do what I did today."

He's silent as he holds my gaze, his eyes blown wide, and his throat bobs as he swallows. I hate myself for being distracted by anything his body does. It's an involuntary reaction and I can't tear my gaze away from his throat until he distracts me again. And my heart fucking stops when he bites into his bottom lip. God, I wish it was _my_ lip he was biting on.

My eyes fall closed and my hand slides from his shoulder, onto his arm again. My fingers trip over the hem of his sleeve and my pinky just barely grazes his skin but it's enough to make drawing in a breath sound strangled.

"Please… tell me something," I whisper into the silence that's surrounding us.

Danny's hand is warm as he places it on the side of my face and I try not to shiver at the touch. I want to open my eyes and see him staring back at me but I know the moment I do, I won't be able to stop myself from pressing my lips to his.

"I-I'm sorry… I can't tell you anything," he whispers back, resting his forehead against mine. His hand slides from my cheek to the back of my neck, pulling me down closer to his level. His rattling exhale ghosts over my lips and the breath I draw in is choked and strangled. Because I want his lips against mine instead of only his breath.

I don't tell him that it's okay or that I understand because it's not and I don't. This isn't fucking fair but I can't watch him disappear on me again. At some point in his life, he's gonna have to trust someone with the truth. I can only hope that one day, I can be that someone for him.

* * *

The awkward tension between us doesn't dissipate any and the longer we stand around, making shitty conversation, the worse we both feel. So, I say that Kwan's waiting up on me and we tell each other goodnight.

After an equally awkward hug, he leaves me leaning against my car as he disappears inside his house again. I wait for his shadow to appear in the window again before I climb into my car. When I check his window, he's pulled the curtains open and gives me a small wave that I'm quick to return.

I only hesitate a few more seconds before I pull away from his house and start down the road, my mind running faster than my car. I don't know why he won't tell me what the hell is going on. I can only hope that he just accepts he can trust me and tells me the truth. Because my mind's going crazy trying to justify the thought of him helping out the phantom.

My rambling thoughts keep me occupied on the drive to Kwan's place and he opens the door before I even have to text him. I get out of my car and he meets me at the back, taking my duffel bag from me so I can close the trunk. He gives me a tired smile and I feel shitty for making him wait past midnight to go to sleep.

"S-Sorry man… I had to take care of something before I came over here," I say, rubbing the back of my neck as we walk to his house. He offers a shrug in response, stifling a yawn with the back of his hand.

He quietly opens the door and gestures for me to follow, carefully locking up after we're both inside. Kwan double checks the bottom lock before handing my bag off to me. "My mom's asleep so we gotta be quiet," he whispers, glancing over his shoulder at his mom's closed door as he continues into the house. "You go ahead upstairs, I'll be right behind you."

Kwan disappears into the kitchen and I climb the stairs, trying to be as quiet as I can. I can't imagine that Mrs. Young would be understanding if I were to wake her this late so I dress quickly in the bathroom before heading into Kwan's room.

He's already set up the air mattress and his bed's turned down. I leave the door cracked so Kwan won't have to open it and I cross over to the bed. I stare down at it and though I'm tired as fuck, I don't collapse onto it. My attention is pulled to the window and I move toward it, tugging the curtain back to look out. I picture Danny staring up at the same sky and counting the stars the way I am. I wonder how many he can count from where he is. I give up after seven but mostly because the door creaks behind me.

Kwan's got a bag of chips clenched between his teeth and is carrying two soda's and a package of Oreo's. He manages to close the door a lot quieter than I would have done in his position and he hands off one of the drinks to me when he's close enough.

I take it without questioning the midnight snack, mainly cause my stomach is growling. I ate a shitty microwave meal before the cops picked me up and I guess my body's finally letting me know what it thinks of that.

"Thanks," I say, taking the bag of chips Kwan offers me before I collapse onto the air mattress with a heavy sigh. Tonight's been so fucking weird and I'm relieved that Kwan's okay with me crashing here. I don't think I could handle being alone.

Kwan settles onto his bed, his soda can making that signature noise when he opens it. He chugs a few swallows before resting the can on his knee. He looks down at me and I wordlessly pass the bag of chips his way.

We spend ten minutes just munching and chugging our drinks before he finally breaks the silence. I'm licking the cream from my second Oreo when he speaks.

"You're sure nothing happened today?" he asks, watching my expression. I try to keep it neutral but I look away too fast to be subtle. I don't want to bring up the fact that I was arrested and hauled into a government office cause that would lead to telling him about pulling the fire alarm. And I can't tell him about the things I did today cause he'd want to know why Danny needed me to cause a distraction. I know I can trust Kwan with anything, he's been my best friend since we were five, but… something about the look on Danny's face tonight makes me want to keep silent about this forever.

I shrug, returning my attention to the Oreo. I give up trying to lick all the cream off and just cram the rest of the cookie into my mouth. Kwan's patient as I work through everything I'm thinking and I finally opt for something that sounds pretty casual.

"Yeah, it's just… been a weird day, y'know?" I respond, crawling off the end of the mattress to ditch the empty soda can into the trash on the other side of the room.

I lay down as soon as I'm on the mattress again and though I close my eyes, sleep feels like the farthest thing from my mind. After a few minutes of silence, Kwan cuts out the light overhead before collapsing back onto his bed.

My body is nowhere near ready to sleep but I keep my eyes closed in the darkness anyway, hoping that I'll actually manage to get in a few hours before school. With the way my mind is running, I'll be lucky to get _one_ hour.

So many things tick at my mind and scratch at my brain the longer we're both silent. I know Kwan's tired but when I don't hear his breathing even out for half an hour, I softly whisper, "Hey, you still awake?" knowing that he is.

"Yeah," Kwan says, a yawn escaping him immediately after. I open my eyes to stare up at the ceiling and he exhales softly. "What is it?"

There are so many things I could say, so many things I need to tell him in this moment as my mind turns over all the shit that happened today but something else nags at me. Something more important. One stupid thing that's been bugging me since that night on the beach where Danny's hands were on me and my mind was hazy from alcohol and the late hour and pure _want_. Something I can't ask anyone else but I know I can ask my best friend.

"How… did you figure out that you're not… how'd you realize you're gay?" I ask, my throat constricting with every word, threatening to cut me off. For a second, I think my left hand is vibrating before I realize it's just trembling. Because I'm terrified of the answer. Did Kwan just realize it one day? Or was there someone that made him question everything the way Danny's doing to me?

Kwan stays quiet for half a decade and I'm so fucking glad it's dark in his bedroom. This is something I can only talk about in the dead of night. When the shadows are all around me, convincing me that it's okay to be something other than what I've been raised to be. I'm terrified that I am and terrified that I'm not. What does it mean if I don't like guys but I just like Danny? Or what if I don't like girls anymore but I only like Paulina? Can't I like both? Fuck, it's all confusing.

"Honestly, when I was hanging out at girl's places, I just realized I was checking out their brothers more often than them," Kwan says, laughing a little. "Kind of embarrassing I guess but… I don't know, it just sort of hit me one day that I was way more interested in our teammates rather than the cheerleaders."

I don't know what to say, it's not like my experience is similar. I'm not interested in other guys. Just Danny. I don't find myself checking out the guys we go to school with. Only wishing that Danny's lips were against mine.

"Why are you asking?" Kwan asks, shifting on his mattress. I listen to the springs until he stills again and my breath sticks in my throat. It's not like I can just say that I'm asking because Danny's making me question everything. I can't tell Kwan who it is.

My chest is squeezing painfully and the breath that escapes me is shaky as fuck. I can't say it. I can't fucking say it. God, I _know_ Kwan will understand this shit the most but I can't tell him that I've become completely obsessed with someone I've known for only a small part of my life.

"I'm scared, Kwan," I whisper, squeezing my eyes closed as soon as the words leave me. Fuck, I can't say it. I don't want anyone to know that I'm questioning everything right now. All because of a boy that points out stars and makes me believe that he's one of them, fallen to earth.

"It's me, Dash… you don't have to be afraid," Kwan whispers, moving from his bed and sinking down onto the edge of the air mattress. He quickly intertwines our fingers together and doesn't say anything about the fact that I'm shaking.

I know I must be bruising him in my grip but it's not like I can help it. If I let go of him for even a second, I'll shatter into a thousand tiny fragments. And I really don't want my best friend to have to clean up my broken pieces. Not again.

"What's scaring you?" Kwan asks softly and I suck in a strangled breath. It's Danny. It's his smile. His eyes. The way he talks about space and makes it seem like the most interesting thing in the world. It's the way that when he's around, no one else fucking matters to me.

I don't know how to be anything other than straight but I don't think I'm fucking straight when Danny's around me. I think of his lips against mine far too often to be straight. But I've always loved Paulina too much to be gay. God, what the fuck is wrong with me?

"Th-The things… that I want… th-they scare me," I whisper, feeling the words choke me on the way out. But it's true. I'm scared shitless. I really fucking like Danny but that's not the answer to some great mystery I've always felt in my soul. It's just another question. Something else for me to figure out. God, I don't want to have to figure this out.

Kwan swipes his thumb across the back of my hand and squeezes gently. "Why are they scaring you? What do you want, Dash?"

I hate the way my voice shakes and I hate that I can barely breathe as I speak but I say it. I finally say what's been choking me since I carried Danny up the stairs and laid next to him that night at the beach. _I want him. More than I've ever wanted a single person before, I fucking want-_

"Danny. I-I want… _Danny_."

The silence scratches at me when Kwan doesn't say a fucking word and I start to question whether I spoke at all. The only tell-tale sign that the confession even left me is the way my heart is fucking pounding.

Kwan's quiet for a minute or two, maybe just thinking it over, but he finally runs his thumb over the back of my hand again, in an attempt to reassure me. He's quiet as he shifts on the mattress, letting out a low breath with the movement.

"You like him?" he asks, his voice almost a whisper in the darkness.

I can't believe I'm lying in my best friend's bedroom, trying to find a way to tell him about the boy that's grabbed a hold of my heart and made me believe that death is a kinder fate than not having him in my arms or against my lips.

"I-I… y-yeah…" I mumble, running my free hand down my face. Shit, I do. I like Danny. A lot more than I thought I did. I like the way his face lights up when I get something right in algebra, and the way his eyes shine as he stares up at the sky in the dead of night. I like the way his shoulder feels against mine when we're sitting on the hood of my car, and I like the way he fits perfectly in my arms. _Yes, Kwan, I like him. I like him so fucking much._

Kwan lets out another breath, squeezing my hand gently. "How long have you… been struggling with this, Dash?" he asks softly, shifting a little more on the mattress as he tucks one leg beneath him.

I pull my hand from his only because mine has gotten sweaty and gross, and it's probably still trembling. I push my hands through my hair instead, to keep him from reaching for me again. "Um… I-I… Fuck, I don't know. Since like… god, probably since that weekend at the beach." It didn't hit me until later why I was feeling the way I was about Danny but I think I started to like him that night. When his lips were almost on mine and I regretted every second that they weren't.

My phone vibrates on the floor, startling the both of us. I run a shaky hand down my face, trying to get a grip. I roll over to grab it, the screen illuminating the bedroom as I type in my passcode.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Did you get home okay?** _

There's no denying the way my heart flutters at the mere thought of him worrying about me or wondering how I am. It's definitely not something that should make me grin in the darkness of my best friend's bedroom and yet, I can't stop it and I know Kwan can see.

"Is that from him?" Kwan asks, stretching his arms over his head in a yawn. He stands from the air mattress, shuffling over to his bed before he collapses onto it with an obscene groan.

I read over Danny's text a couple times more, trying to come up with the right way to respond. "Yeah. He uh… just wants to make sure I got home okay." It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud but it makes fighting off another grin more difficult.

Kwan snorts quietly and I turn to look at him at the noise. My screen is still lighting up his bedroom and I can clearly see the expression on his face. "That's adorable," he says, the grin widening at what I'm guessing is a blush on my face considering I can feel the heat crawling down my neck.

I let out a scoff and turn back to my phone, intent on ignoring him, despite the laugh he gives. I don't give him my attention as I type and re-type my response to Danny, changing it multiple times before I finally press send.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Yeah, I'm crashing at Kwan's. Thanks for checking up on me.** _

It still sounds casual as fuck but I guess admitting that I like him isn't something I'm ready for anyone but my best friend to hear yet. And speaking of Kwan, he's half-hanging off his bed lying on his stomach as he tugs at my arm because I've been ignoring him for the better part of ten minutes.

"Dude," I finally say, giving him a pointed look. He just grins in response which doesn't help. I've already got those damn butterflies in my gut from Danny's text, I don't need that feeling to make me smile despite Kwan's teasing. That'll just give him the wrong impression.

"What is it about Danny that you like? What got your attention?" Kwan asks, continuing to hang off his bed as he swings his feet back and forth in the air like a fucking child.

I roll my eyes at him and shrug, clicking my screen off. I turn off the sound before placing it over my chest. I don't know what it is about Danny that gets my breath caught in my throat at the mention of him but I know he makes me happy. Makes me forget about all the ugly shit for a while.

"Wait, hang on… this _is_ … new for you, right? He's the _first_ guy you've liked?" Kwan asks, some tone of hesitation in his voice with the question. He doesn't seem to need an answer because he's instantly talking again, like he never asked the question in the first place. "Cause I didn't think you could start questioning and not tell me. I mean, that's kind of something you eventually tell your best friend, you know? Well, you know, cause I did. Not that you _have_ to tell me something like that, it's more like-"

I let out a low breath, trying to be quiet in my meltdown, but the noise stops Kwan mid-sentence. The silence falls over us again and I consider not speaking at all. Just rolling over and going to sleep, but… I think I need Kwan right now. The place my mind is going isn't somewhere I want to be alone in.

"I've never… liked guys before. Like they weren't… E-Even when you were figuring your shit out, I never… And even now, i-it's not just… I like girls, too. I don't… What's… Kwan, what's wrong with me?" I whisper, a groan leaving me as Kwan moves from his mattress back to mine. He reaches for my hand again but I won't let him grab a hold of it. I don't need him to hold my hand and walk me through this gay panic. Or fuck, maybe I do. I don't know anything anymore because it's Danny. Everything's fucking different with Danny.

"Nothing's wrong with you," Kwan says, placing his hand on my shoulder when I won't let him have my hand. "Seriously, a lot of people don't figure out the genders they like until they're older. People do a lot of experimenting in college before they come to terms with it all. If anyone's a little odd in this situation, it's me. I figured out my sexuality practically in middle school."

He gives a short laugh but it's not funny. None of this is funny and I don't know why I ever thought this was okay. Fucking hell, I like Danny. I want to feel his teeth against my lip and drag my nails down his spine. I like another _boy._ That's not a good thing. I'm not somebody that gets the chance to fucking experiment and figure this shit out. Not with a dad like mine.

"I can't do this," I respond, pushing Kwan's hands off me. There's only a split second of hesitation before I'm crawling off the mattress and stumbling through the darkness of Kwan's bedroom. I shouldn't have come here tonight. I should never have told him any of this, never admitted how much I want Danny. Cause I can never have somebody that beautiful and kind. Not when I'm just a fucked-up quarter-back that can't even stand up to my own father.

"Dash, wait. H-Hang on a second," Kwan responds, losing his footing as he trips over something on his floor. He grabs onto my shirt and I don't know if it's to stay upright or if it's to keep me here. Fuck, I can't stay here. Kwan's figured this all out and I'm just-

"I'm a fucking wreck," I spit, not sure when I changed from thinking to talking but I can't stop. "Shit, Kwan, I can't do this. You're not… god, you've figured this shit out and… I can't do this. My dad would never go for this. He'll fucking… I don't even want to imagine the shit he'll do to me if he ever finds out that I might be gay, this can't happen, I-"

"You think _my_ dad understands this?" Kwan asks, his voice softer than mine. I have to strain my ears to catch what he's saying but I don't miss the stuttering breath he drags in. _Shit, Kwan, no. That's not what I meant. Please don't… don't think about your dad. He doesn't understand you cause he's a fucking prick. He's not like mine… mine is… my dad's right. I can't be gay. I just can't fucking be gay._

"Don't… limit yourself because of what someone else believes, Dash. You'll never make yourself happy if you only let yourself exist within the fine lines other people have drawn for you." Kwan puts his hands on my shoulders and though his fingers are trembling, his voice is steady. "Please… don't make the mistakes I did and give up on something before it has the chance to be everything."

I hang my head the longer he talks and I hate the way tears have sprung to my eyes in the quiet. I hate feeling this way. Pathetic. Weak. All cause of a pair of bright eyes and a grin so fucking beautiful, it makes me believe a piece of starlight was born with the name Danny.

Kwan gently squeezes my shoulders, letting me sort through everything in my head in silence. He doesn't immediately push for a response but when I've dragged out the quiet between us for too long, he pulls me into his arms, shushing me before I have the chance to argue.

God, I fucking _hate_ this. I don't need anyone to hold my hand but Kwan's insistent with the hug and I slide my arms around him, unable to resist it any longer. Part of me hates him for dragging me into this and part of me loves him for loving me enough to hold me. To try to make me feel like everything's not fucked and that I'm not fucked and _fuck_ , it feels good.

And that's how I end up almost hyper-ventilating in my best friend's arms as I try to accept that it's no longer a question. I like Danny. Even more than that… I think part of me fucking loves him.

* * *

Kwan doesn't let me mope about it for too long, convincing me to crawl back into bed. I try to stay awake and talk to him about something else but I start drifting off before him and everything around me just gets dark and hazy. I think I roll over on my phone at one point in the night but I'm out of it before it completely registers in my brain. The next thing I'm aware of is Kwan gently shaking my shoulder, calling out to me from beyond the void that is sleep.

I groan, trying to make sense of the world again when I catch the scent of brewing coffee. I can sleep through people talking, or somebody making breakfast but coffee and I go way back. Pretty sure that shit could wake me from a fucking coma.

"Better… save me some coffee," I mumble, rolling onto my back and covering my eyes with my arm. It works to block out the light but nothing can block Kwan out. He laughs either at my response or my desperate attempt to get a few more minutes of sleep.

"Come on if you wanna take a shower before school," Kwan says, nudging my leg with his foot. It only works to draw another groan out of me. I don't want to get up and face the day. Ugh, the only reason I haven't just gone back to sleep is cause I can still smell the coffee.

I tug the covers over my head, intent on staying in bed all fucking day if I have to, but Kwan won't fucking leave me alone. He sinks down on his bed, nudging my shoulder again.

"Dash, get up. There's a test in history today, come on," he insists, continuing to shake my arm every time I start to drift off again. I've known Kwan since I was a kid and most of the time, I like him a lot. But right now, I think I could get used to the idea of hating him.

He laughs when I pull the covers off my head just enough to glare at him. Kwan sips from his coffee mug before nudging my leg with his foot again. "Seriously, you'll be late if you don't get up. And I know how much Ms. Anderson loves it when people are late to her class."

I roll my eyes, throwing the covers off me only to make him shut up. I really don't want to go to school today but I don't think Kwan's gonna let me sleep so what's the point of staying here?

"Fine, I'm getting up. Are you happy? I could have been dreaming about super-models or something, god," I mumble, running a hand down my face as I reluctantly leave the warmth of the bed to grab some clothes from my bag.

Kwan clears his throat softly and I just barely catch the grin on his face when I throw a glance over my shoulder. "What the fuck are you so happy about already? It's too fucking early for this, what the hell is so great?"

"Did any of those supermodels look like Danny?" he asks, innocently sipping from his coffee when I turn around to glare at him again.

I try not to give him a response as I finish gathering my clothes but I end up flipping up my middle finger. He laughs again, coming up behind me to clap me on the shoulder.

"Come on, you can have some coffee after your shower. My mom should be done with breakfast by then," Kwan says, sipping from his mug again. "And hopefully you won't miss any classes. I think Coach'll have a heart attack if he has to bench you for the game."

I blink, glancing around his room for my phone. Is it really Friday already? God, it feels like fucking yesterday that I went to Danny's place for a tutoring session and ended up cooking dinner for the both of us.

"It's game day?" I ask, moving over to where I left my phone. I click the screen on and notice a couple of unread texts from Danny. I tap in my passcode and one-handedly rub at my eye, a yawn escaping me.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**I'm glad you're staying with Kwan** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**As a warning, I'm not coming in to school tomorrow. Telling you now so you don't show up at my house to make sure I'm not dead** _

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Not coming to the game either… just know that I'll be rooting for you at home** _

What? Why isn't he gonna be there? I wanted to see him… at least to just make sure he was okay. Between the bruises on his face yesterday and all the shit that happened with the agents, I kinda wanted to make sure Danny was alright.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Why? Is something wrong?** _

I don't like the way my stomach twists around itself at the thought of anything happening to Danny. He shouldn't have to worry about the kind of shit that he does. Whoever's inflicting those bruises on him just shouldn't be around him anymore. I swear, if I ever find out who's knocking him around, I'll make sure they pay for it. No one can get away with doing that shit to anyone around me but especially not to Danny.

And whatever's going on with the phantom… if he's really helping them, he's gotta have a good reason. Danny doesn't seem like the kind of person to go along with something if it's not right. Maybe he knows something the cops don't about the phantom. Either way… if he ever trusts me enough with the truth, I'm not gonna tell him that he's wrong. Even if every fucking police officer and government agent is telling me that he is.

"Did you really forget that it's Friday?" Kwan asks, frowning when I look over at him. He sips from his coffee again before resting the mug in his palm, a smile quickly taking over his expression. "Oh speaking of, next weekend is the opening of that place I told you about, Starlit Specters. You're… still coming to that right?"

I run a hand through my hair, clutching my phone with the other. "Um… yeah, man. Of course I'm still coming." I barely remember when Kwan mentioned the club but if he still wants me there, then that's where I'll be.

"Dash, are you okay?" Kwan asks, placing a hand on my shoulder. He gives me a funny look but I try to shrug it off, still trying to make sense of the world.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just… I'm gonna take a shower." I leave his room then but I can't stop thinking. While I'm undressing and lathering up, standing under the spray, and toweling dry, I can't turn my mind off.

I don't know why Danny's staying home today but after what happened yesterday, I can't stop thinking about it. Wondering if he's hiding out in his room away from his parents or just the world in general. Do his parents even know when he skips school or does he somehow keep that from them? Is he not showing up cause of the agents or is it me? Did I push him too far last night?

Unable to stop myself, I grab my phone from the counter and hastily type in my passcode. I send a flurry of text messages to Danny, just hoping that he's okay. Hoping that I didn't do anything to make him hate me. I can take it if he wants some space but I can't handle it if he hates me for not knowing when to shut up.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**You're okay though, right? Kind of worried about you** _

_**Please tell me you don't hate me** _

_**If this is about last night, I'm sorry. I don't know when the hell to shut up and I'm sorry that I upset you. I'm just worried and I wish I could help you** _

_**Please be okay** _

I don't know what else to say so I leave it at that. I only stare down at my phone for a few minutes before I come to terms with how pathetic it is and I put it away, only exiting the bathroom so Kwan won't come banging on the door, thinking that I've tried to drown myself. I don't care that Kwan's mom has made something that smells amazing for breakfast. Or that there's a game tonight and I'll get to tear up the field and kick some ass with my teammates. Right now, all I can care about is Danny. And hope that wherever he is, whatever he's doing, he's okay. I just need him to be okay cause I don't think I know how to be if he's not.

* * *

Kwan leaves his house at the same time I do but I end up taking the long way to school, just trying to make sense of everything right now. I don't know how the fuck I forgot it's game day or why I can't come up with any kind of explanation for why Danny's staying home or what the fuck was up with those agents yesterday or even why-

Valerie.

Oh my fucking god, _Valerie_. She'd know what the hell's going on, at least as far as the agents go. They're suspicious of the phantom having an accomplice at Casper High but… do they suspect it's Danny the way I do? I think a part of myself has to have the answer so I can know what I'm up against. If it comes down to telling the police what I've seen Danny do and protecting him… it's no fucking contest.

I turn my car around before I have a chance to talk myself out of it and I know I can catch Valerie in time if I don't stop for anything. So, I push my car to go faster than the speed limit and try not to think about the fact that my brakes are still really fucking shitty.

Even with having to stop for a red-light cause I know cops hide out on the other side of some bushes to catch people, I make it to Valerie's place just after 7. Her Prius is still parked outside the apartment building and I leave my car quickly, climbing the stairs two at a time to get up them faster.

Valerie opens the door after the third knock and she raises an eyebrow, a coffee mug clutched in one hand. She's already dressed in a white coat similar to the one she wore yesterday and I wonder how long she's been up.

"Hey, what's up?" she asks, stepping back to let me inside. She wanders away from the doorway, sipping from her mug. I push the door closed behind me and follow her to the small kitchen table where some folders are spread out.

She glances down at them before focusing on me. "Is something wrong?" she asks, lifting her mug to take another sip. I try to remember how words work but I can't think of what to say. How do I bring up the agents at school yesterday? Unless… I can just say that.

"It's been bugging me and I know you'll know… I'm just," I push out a breath, forcing myself to ask it. "I don't understand why those… guys were at school the other day. I know that… they're working with my dad and the rest of the police force on all this phantom stuff but…" I trail off with a shrug, not really sure what I'm asking anymore.

Her eyebrows draw down and she drops her gaze to stare down into her coffee mug. I don't know if she's trying to figure out what to say or if she's trying to pretend I didn't ask the question. I can't let the latter win out.

"Valerie, come on. It's me, what's the harm in explaining it?" I ask, trying my best to give her an " _I'm just curious"_ smile rather than a _"please tell me how to protect Danny"_ grimace.

She meets my gaze again before shrugging. "Nothing. Just… standard procedure, really." Valerie sets her coffee mug on the table and gathers her hair up into a high ponytail, fastening it in place before she drops her arms with a sigh.

Her gaze flits around the room before she eventually looks back at me again. "Aren't you supposed to be at school?" she asks in what is probably supposed to be a teasing tone.

"Yeah but this is more important." I shove my hands into the depths of my pockets. Her eyebrows draw down and I push out a breath, continuing before she has a chance to argue. "Look, Val. The agent that talked to me… he was asking some really weird questions. I just want to know what's going on. A-And I know that you know."

Valerie exhales, shaking her head as she grabs her mug and crosses the kitchen to the sink. She rinses it a couple times before she shuts the water off and turns to look at me. "I'm sorry, Dash. I can't tell you anything. A lot of what goes on at work is classified."

She does know whatever the hell is going on. She just can't tell me. Or maybe she _won't_ tell me. "It's just me, who the fuck am I gonna tell?" I ask, trying to play it off as some kind of joke but Valerie doesn't see it that way.

"Why are you so curious?" She folds her arms over her chest, fixing me with a look. "You've never cared that much about my work before but suddenly you do?"

I roll my eyes, giving her a look of my own. "These white suits just showed up in the middle of a school day and I'm not allowed to have questions? Wouldn't you care if you were me?"

Valerie shrugs, her indifference pissing me off more than it probably should.

"In case you haven't noticed, Val, I don't see the shit that you see with your work. So this is all really strange, foreign territory to me. I mean… what the fuck were they hoping they'd find at Casper High? Just expected someone to come forward and confess to helping out the phantom?"

She opens her mouth to respond but stops, a curious look in her expression as she lets her breath out in a surprised huff. "I… never said that we suspected that the phantom's working with someone."

_Shit._

I swallow hard, shaking my head to try to seem casual. "No, you didn't but i-it's… so _obvious_ that's what they were there for. I mean, come on, the agent I talked to practically spelled it out for me," I say, gesturing with my hands as I talk to get my point across. I don't want her to know that I was hauled into a government office and questioned again and I hope that she assumes the agent I'm talking about is the one that saw me at school.

Valerie's expression shifts as she flicks her gaze from my face to my hand. She takes a step toward me and a breath leaves me as she closes her fingers around my palm. She clumsily traces the ink stain still coating my hand before turning her gaze up at me again, her eyebrows rising on her forehead.

For a few seconds, we just stare at each other in total silence, neither one of us willing to speak. I have so many fucking questions involving those agents and how I can keep them from ever finding out that Danny's the accomplice they're looking for and I'm sure Valerie has just as many questions for me.

"You're the one who pulled the alarm," Valerie says softly, slowly shaking her head as she exhales. Her eyes are wide as her hold on my hand tightens. "A… lot of people are looking for you."

I let out a breath of my own, deciding honesty is better than a poorly constructed lie. "Well, they found me already. Spent a couple of hours last night being questioned by two agents. And if that wasn't bad enough, they dragged my ass back to the police station and stuck me in a holding cell for a while." If this was an ordinary situation and I got arrested for something stupid like pulling a fire alarm, I'd just give her a shit-eating grin and we'd laugh it off together. But this isn't an ordinary situation. I don't think Valerie's up for laughing this off with me.

She stares up at me for a few seconds longer before she pulls her hand from mine. Her expression is pretty neutral as she crosses her arms. "You know you interrupted my job, right? Tiffany and I ended up having to file paperwork late last night to get everything sorted out."

" _I_ interrupted something?" I ask, matching Valerie's posture by folding my arms over my chest. "You do realize that your job interrupted the middle of a _school_ day, yeah? Or did you just conveniently forget that school's still important for some people?"

She rolls her eyes. "Trust me. One day out of the year isn't going to screw anyone up. What those agents were doing was more important than any algebra lesson."

"Yeah? What was so important about it?" I demand, my hands balling into fists against my chest. God, I can't believe the way she's acting. Like none of this fucking matters cause those agents got what they needed and we should all just be grateful that they dragged us into the gym and questioned us.

Valerie scoffs, shaking her head as she holds my gaze. "It's not like I would tell you if it wasn't but like I said, it's classified information." She uncrosses her arms, her voice considerably softer than before. "Why'd you pull the fire alarm?"

I should remember to fucking think before I speak but I'm just so fucking pissed off at this whole thing. I'm tired of asking questions and having everyone say that they can't tell me. What the fuck makes Valerie or Danny think they can't trust me?

"Are you asking as a friend or for them?" I ask, immediately regretting the hurt look that crosses Valerie's face. Shit, I should really stop fucking things up worse than they already are. It's not like she's trying to keep this shit from me, the least I could do is not be an asshole about it.

Valerie's eyebrows draw down and her entire expression darkens. The room feels colder as she stares at me, her voice low as she speaks. "If you have nothing to hide then I'm asking as your friend."

We hold each other's gazes like there's nowhere else to look. Hell, maybe there isn't. Maybe if we stare at one another long enough, we'll suddenly understand where we're coming from. I doubt it. She's already chosen a side in this and it's pretty fucking clear that it's not mine. What the fuck even _is_ my side? Whichever one protects Danny?

"Hey, Valerie, I'm working the late shift tonight so- Oh, hey, Dash."

We turn toward her dad at the same time and he gives both of us a smile before he steps past to get to the coffee pot. He pours himself a cup and stirs in a few spoons of sugar before glancing at me over his shoulder. "What made you decide to stop in this morning?"

Valerie shoots me a look that I choose to ignore and I force a smile onto my face when her dad turns around to look at us again.

"Just thought I'd check in. See Valerie before she went to work," I tell him, attempting to keep up my own smile when he returns it.

He sips from his coffee quietly, his gaze moving to Valerie. "That's kind of you… I don't think she takes enough time off work to see her friends. Especially lately, something's got her and her coworkers all stirred up. She mentioned something about-"

"Dad, come on. Dash doesn't care about my work," Valerie snaps.

I don't get a chance to tell him that I actually do care about her work and I'd really like my fucking questions answered, before he picks up on the awkward tension suddenly between the three of us. It's almost tangible in the silence and he quietly sets his mug on the counter.

"I've… interrupted something, haven't I?" he asks, trying to read the situation by looking between the two of us. I could save him the trouble and tell him that there's nothing to pick up on cause the shit between us is so fucking convoluted, he'd need an entire team to figure it out.

Valerie pushes away from the counter with a sigh. "Yes." She shoots me a look before throwing a last glance at her dad. "I've got to get to work though, I'll see you when I get back." She grabs a bag from the table before she gestures for me to follow after her.

I almost ignore her and stick around with her dad, maybe he'd be able to give me more answers, but I leave the apartment when she does and climb down the staircase after her. Our cars are parked a few spaces from each other but she stops between them, turning back to look at me.

We stare at each other again as I shove my hands into my pockets. She stares back at me, like the words she wants to say are trapped in the air between us but they're just not reaching me yet. Like they're stuck behind this giant wall of misunderstanding and I want more than anything to break that wall the fuck down.

"I don't know why you want to know this stuff so badly but…" She pauses for a second, seems to consider her words before that cold expression is back on her face. "I can't tell you anything. I don't know if you'd use it against us."

I think we both knew the conversation was headed that way back in the kitchen but to hear her put it so bluntly stings more than it should. And to hear _us_ instead of _them_ really fucking solidifies it in my mind. She'll never see my side of this.

Valerie lets out a soft breath, shaking her head as she starts for her car. I don't want to let her go without putting up some kind of fight but there's no point in trying. We both want answers that each other will never give.

* * *

I get to school about halfway through my biology class but Ms. Anderson doesn't give me too hard of a time about it. She tries to get me to stay after class but I pretend that I didn't hear her and I book it out of her classroom and merge with the crowd before she can pick me out.

Everything around me just kind of happens and I don't think I'm present for any of it. Paulina's next to me during lunch, holding my hand, but other than a few worried glances from her and Kwan, no one notices me. I guess they're used to me zoning out because none of them try to get me to talk. I feel their eyes on me occasionally but I can't explain why I'm staring out into the cafeteria, thinking about Valerie and wondering why Danny isn't here today.

The whole day passes by and I don't think I'm really paying attention until I'm in the locker room. It's the usual pre-game chatter but I don't feel like joining this time. I don't care about who's dating who or what my teammates are planning on doing after high school. I don't give a shit about which scouts are here tonight, or that there was another phantom sighting, or who got smashed at what party, or-

I don't know how it happens but it's like everything suddenly snaps into focus and I draw in a strangled breath as I stagger up from the bench. Half the people in the locker room are staring at me and everyone's gone silent but I don't let that stop me. I make it to my locker and wrench it open, my hands trembling as I take my phone out. I have to… I just need to… He's gotta-

"Dash, you alright?" Keith asks, clapping me on the shoulder as he stops next to me.

I barely look at him before I shove his hand off of me, heading for the doors to the locker room. I can't call him surrounded by my teammates. I can't ask him the question that's pounding in my brain with everyone around me. I hear a couple of my teammates call out to me, asking me where I'm going but I can't answer that.

Kwan tries to keep up with me but I don't stop. Not even when he does at the edge of the field and calls out to me, telling me that I don't have time for this. I'll make time for this. Because it's Danny and I need to know that he's okay. I don't fucking care about the game or my teammates or anyone right now. He's the only thing that matters.

* * *

It rings three times before he finally picks up and I let out a sigh of relief that it's not his machine again. This isn't the kind of thing that should be a voicemail.

" _Dash-"_

"I just have one question, alright? A-And you can go back to hating me or being angry at the world, or whatever it is you're doing right now. But just…. Just hear me out, Danny. Please l-listen to me," I stammer, letting out a breath as I squeeze my eyes closed. I pace back and forth in the parking lot, listening to the music start up on the field.

The cheerleaders will be coming out any minute now, keeping the crowd entertained. While the cheerleaders do their thing and the crowd enjoys the show, I'll be having a fucking breakdown in the middle of the school parking lot cause everything is finally making sense and I wish to god that it wasn't.

" _What is it?"_ Danny asks, sighing on the question. Like he's not afraid of what I'm gonna ask, just tired. Like maybe someone's asked him this before and he's tired of giving the answer.

I don't know why I'm bothering with the question. I already know the answer, it's the only thing that makes sense. It's not like when I asked him if his parents were kicking his ass. I was just guessing then. Blinded by my shit, assuming that he was anything like me. Danny's the farthest thing from me and I know that before I even utter the question but I ask it anyway. Maybe as some kind of formality or maybe cause I want to see if he denies it. Cause I don't think anyone else has ever gotten this far before. I don't think anyone's ever been able to ask him this. He's not a fucking _accomplice._ He's…

"Danny… are you the phantom?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just call me master of cliff-hangers ;p
> 
> Yoooo, readers! Glad to see you back for another update! (And this one's over 10k words so kudos for reading that much)
> 
> So much has happened in this chapter, I don't know even know where to start. I saw a lot of you talking last update about how Dash had a right to push Danny now – considering he pulled a fire alarm and was arrested for him – and I was actually really glad to see that, cause that was my line of thinking while I was writing this chapter
> 
> Dash finally decides to push the space nerd for answers but unfortunately, he stops too soon out of fear of driving him away. That boy needs to learn to pick his moments, I swear
> 
> Kwaaaaan! The precious gem is baaack! (I know he was in ch45, but I've missed the little shit) He'll always let Dash spend the night with him – even if he ends up staying up late, waiting on the adorable quarterback to get there
> 
> Let's talk about the coming out scene. Obviously, Dash is confused on bisexuality versus homosexuality and heterosexuality. It's understandable that someone in his position would not only be confused about what he's feeling but scared for many reasons. (Not just including his dad.) I really wanted to explore that a little more instead of him telling Kwan and everything being okay now because "my best friend knows!" It just didn't feel realistic without Dash panicking over this, y'know?
> 
> Kwan didn't really talk about Dash's sexuality or explain anything to him in this chapter mainly cause he could tell how scared the poor guy is. It's a lot to take in, especially for someone that's raised with a homophobic father or parents. I promise this isn't the end of Dash figuring this stuff out, it's not all magically fixed or better just cause he told his best friend. But when I was writing this scene, it just didn't feel like the time for Kwan to launch into any explanations about different sexualities
> 
> How about that fight with Valerie? Can you understand where she's coming from? Or do you just hate her for fighting with Dash over this? (Obviously the adorable quarterback's just trying to look out for the space nerd, cut him some slack, Val)
> 
> This precious boy FINALLY realized that no way in hell is Danny just helping the phantom. But of course, I couldn't let him have the answer until next chapter, could I? ;p
> 
> Thank you for reading chapter 47! I hope you enjoyed this angsty ride and you like where the story's going. Since this chapter isn't posted on a Tuesday and I'm about be a whole hell of a lot of busier in my life, I'm not sure when the next update will happen. It might be in 2 weeks time, might be 3. It all depends on when I can find the time to sit down and really give the next chapter a proper look over and make sure it all makes sense and flows with the previous and next chapter
> 
> I chose the title of this chapter from Door Without A Key by Real Friends. I feel like that song is pretty Dash – maybe more of past Dash than the present Dash you see in this chapter but still. I felt like it fit so I went with that one. Also, general song feelings for this chapter include: Satellite by Starset and The Only Thing That Matters by blink-182
> 
> As always, I appreciate all the love and support you guys give this fic – I know I say it every week, but it really does mean a lot to me. You're all the best and I'll see you next update


	48. The Question Of My Heart

I don't think either one of us breathes for a full minute. There's just deafening silence on both ends and at this point, I'm afraid to inhale. Afraid I'll shatter this moment and Danny will come up with some kind of lie in the second it takes me to draw in a breath.

The cheerleaders' routine is winding down and my ass needs to be back on the field but I'm stuck to the pavement, worried if I leave, Danny won't say a word. He'll hang up and I'll never get to hear the truth. Never hear his voice tremble on the answer or hear the stutter in his breath as he inhales. If I leave now, he'll have time to think of an excuse, he'll figure out how to deny it, make it seem like-

" _Dash…"_ he whispers, exhaling softly on my name. I know I'll remember the sound forever and play it on repeat tonight but I don't have time to wait for the rest of his answer. I wish I hadn't called until after the game, given myself the time to think of how to ask the question. But he's on the line now and I can't let this moment slip away.

"It's okay if you are," I whisper back, sweeping my gaze across the parking lot as I talk. "I don't give a fuck why you're doing this, I just want to help you. You don't… have to be afraid of telling me the truth, okay? You can talk to-"

The whistle sounds and my teammates are storming the field. Shit. I'm supposed to be out there with them. Fucking hell, why didn't I just wait to call Danny? This could have waited. If I hang up now, it's just gonna give Danny time to come up with a way to explain it away. I don't want him to have an excuse ready when I call him back but I can't just leave my teammates.

" _Go play the game, Dash."_ Is the last thing Danny says before he ends the call and I'm left staring out in the parking lot, wondering how the fuck this shit ever got to this point. When did Danny become the phantom? Why did he start breaking into places? How long has he been doing this? And when the fuck did I start to care so much about him?

* * *

We're playing great, ahead by two touchdowns, but that doesn't stop Coach from yelling at me the second we get to half-time. I kind of deserve it – it's not like me to disappear right before a game starts and looking back… I really shouldn't have. I should have just waited on the call.

"You want to tell me why the hell you were _frolicking_ like a damn butterfly instead of out there on the field?" Coach barks out, waving his arms as he talks. He can get pretty ticked off at us occasionally but we all know he cools down by the end of the game, win or lose. Still, it's been a while since I've been the player that fucked up.

I shake my head, letting out a breath as I keep my gaze trained on the floor. "No, Coach. I was just…" There's no way to explain what the hell I was doing without saying I was on the phone. And he'd want to know with who and then it'd just get ugly from there.

"Do you even care that your presence is important on the field?" he demands, leaning closer to me. I flick my gaze up to his for a second before I nod, dropping my stare again. Of course I care. I don't want to let my team down. Or the crowd watching the game. Or hell, even Coach. But that call with Danny was important too.

Coach sighs, reaching out to clap me on the shoulder. "This is your _last_ year with the Ravens, Baxter. Try acting like it tonight, huh? Play like you've got some life in you or I swear, I'll make you run an insane amount of laps every practice for the rest of this season. You got that?" He squeezes my shoulder once I nod. "Good. Now get up, your ass wasn't made to warm a bench, kid."

We leave the locker room just as the marching band finishes up with their routine and then it's back to the game. Every pass I'm thrown, every chance I get to kick the ball, I put my everything into it. I don't think about Danny, or the way his voice sounded whispering my name. I don't think about what happens if we lose, and my teammates barely cross my mind. It's just me and the field and I'm gonna play my fucking heart out cause goddammit, Coach is right. This is my last year playing ball. I'll be damned if I'm letting anyone make me forget that.

* * *

Casper High is once again victorious and I'm hoisted onto the shoulders of my teammates. They're all chanting my name and despite the shit before the game, I'm grinning like crazy, pumping my fist into the air. I put my everything into it and we fucking won. Maybe God does watch sports cause someone sure as hell helped me out tonight.

Coach claps us all on our backs, congratulating us on the win and I swear, his grin could rival all of ours. I don't even think he's still ticked off at me, just happy that we won again. There's nothing like another game to distract me from the shit in my life but now that it's over, I find Danny slipping back into my mind almost immediately.

I look up to the bleachers, where I last saw Anastasia, and I know she's wondering why I ran over to her and wordlessly thrust my phone into her hands before the game started. I didn't have time to stash it in my locker again and she was the first person I saw.

The audience and my teammates are still going nuts but I start heading toward the bleachers. I just need to get my phone and call Danny again so I can figure this whole thing out. I don't care if he's the phantom, I don't care if he's really been breaking into places, and I don't even care _how_ he's been breaking into places. I just care about him. And I want to help him with whatever he needs. Even if that makes _me_ the accomplice everyone's looking for. Cause I'd be his if he asked me to be.

"Good game tonight," someone says from behind me.

I turn to see a guy about my height, dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, sporting a baseball cap and a hesitant smile. I do my best to return his smile but I'm still thinking of Danny and all of the fucked-up shit that goes along with that. "Uh, thanks."

"You're Dash Baxter, right?" he asks, extending his hand toward me when I nod. "I'm Lance Thunder, I've been checking out the Ravens for DALV university." He shakes my hand before his smile widens. "I gotta say, I was really impressed with you tonight. You got a lot of heart when you play, you know that? Anyone ever tell you how talented you are?"

I don't really know how to take the compliment so I shrug. "I just like the game." I glance up where I last saw Anastasia but she's disappeared into the thick of the crowd. I look around the field, even standing on my toes to see over people, but I can't find her.

"Have you talked to anyone about your college choices, Dash?" Lance asks, sliding his hands into his pockets when I look back at him. "I think DALV could really use someone like you. Have you had any offers yet?"

My head is spinning as I try to grasp what the hell this guy is saying and for a second, Danny briefly leaves my mind. _Offers…?_ Like _college_ offers? Is this guy interested in having me on the DALV team? I mean, it's not like the Packers came calling but I've seen countless DALV games from the time I was a kid and they always have an amazing team. And I'd be fucking lucky to play for _anyone_.

"Uhh… n-no, I haven't… Um, n-no one's offered me anything," I say, swallowing back my question of why he's interested in me of all people. I didn't really think anyone important cared about the kids from the Casper High Ravens and even if someone did, I never thought they'd care about me.

Lance's smile widens. "Based on Coach Raine's interest in you, I'd say you have a good chance of being offered something by DALV. I've noticed you haven't applied anywhere yet… Are you interested in playing college football?"

I've gotta admit, that sounds pretty fucking sweet. I'd love to play this game for another four years but I don't know that I can. I… promised dad that I'd never leave this town. But fuck, I made that promise before I ever considered my future. Cause I never thought this would ever be a possibility. I think everyone would call me a fucking idiot if I turn this chance down.

"I-I… don't know," I respond, rubbing at the back of my neck. God, it's a lot to process. The possibility of not being stuck in Amity Park my whole life, going to a great college, and playing ball for another four years? It sounds too good to be true and I dig my nails into my skin to make sure I'm not dreaming.

Lance isquiet for a second as he turns his gaze out toward the field, but after a moment or two, he looks back at me. "Coach Raine will want to see you in person before anything's set in stone." He checks his watch and smiles. "Actually, I'm just about to speak to him on the phone. If he's interested in what I have to say, you'll be seeing the both of us at next week's game."

He gives me a smile and pats me on the shoulder. "You take care until then, Dash."

"Y-You too," I stammer out, giving him my best attempt at a smile. I'm sure it's a shitty one cause I'm barely thinking straight but he doesn't say anything about it.

He extends his hand toward me again and I take it, not really sure how to end this moment. I almost want to hug him cause he's the first person that's given me the option of getting out of this town alive. But I don't want to be that weird football player that blows his chance cause he acts like a fucking idiot. So I just shake his hand and he tells me goodbye before walking away.

I can't believe that just fucking happened to me. There's a scout out there that believes in what I'm doing. Thinks I'm talented. I don't know what the fuck I'm feeling right now but I think it's good. I'm not exactly happy but I'm sure as hell not fucking sad anymore. I don't know what this is. I don't know what it means. But it feels good.

I end up watching where he disappeared into the crowd until a hand on my shoulder pulls me back to the present. Anastasia's eyebrows are downward as she gives me a 'what the hell' look. She holds my phone out toward me, a small teasing smile breaking her frown. "What was that all about? You just kinda threw your phone at me and ran."

"Sorry," I mumble, taking it from her as I crash back down to reality. "I was late getting onto the field and didn't have time to put it in my locker." I probably could have stopped by my car and thrown it in there but I wasn't thinking clearly and I just wanted to get onto the field.

Anastasia folds her arms over her chest with a shrug. "That's cool." She nods toward my phone. "It was blowing up the entire game, text messages were coming in like crazy. I finally turned the sound off during half-time." She hesitates a second before adding. "And I think Danny called a couple of times."

I'm sure I get some kind of whiplash from how fast I snap my head up to look at her. Shit, did he really call me? He knew I was on the field, was he trying to reach me during halftime? Fuck, what if he was going to tell me the truth and I missed it? What if-

"What's going on, squirt?" Anastasia asks, uncrossing her arms to place a hand on my upper arm. "You look like you've seen a ghost or something."

Huh… a ghost. Kinda fitting, really. Especially given the name 'phantom'. Danny's always been kind of a ghost to me and I guess most of this town but… Shit. _That's_ what he was talking about that night on the beach. He said he was tired of hiding. That this year, people would see him for who he really is **.** He wasn't just talking about coming out of his shell and hanging out with people he never did before, he was talking about this whole goddamn mess. The phantom is who he is and he wants Amity Park to know it.

I try to tell Anastasia that it's nothing but I can't get my mouth to move. Cause I'm picturing that night again. When Danny looked at me with tears brimming in his eyes and it's still so fucking painful, even now that it's only a memory.

God, I don't give a shit why he's doing this. Why he needs to be the phantom, I just care about him. I want him to tell me the truth but more than that, I want him to _want_ to tell me the truth. And I really don't care what I have to do to get him to that point. I just want to hold his hand while he tells me why he started this whole thing. Why he thought he couldn't tell me. I want to kiss his fingers when they start to tremble and I want to rest my forehead against his when he starts to panic. I want to chase away every involuntary reaction he has and in that moment, he'll know that I mean it when I say I want to help him.

"Hey, what is it?" Anastasia asks, suddenly jerking me back to the present. I'm not standing with Danny, kissing his fingertips or any other part of him. I'm in the middle of the football field, staring down at my phone that still reads two missed calls and seven unread texts.

Anastasia squeezes my upper arm and when I look back at her, I know I have to say something. She won't believe me if I tell her it's nothing but I can't bring Danny's name into it. I told Kwan the truth the other night, confessed what I'm feeling for Danny, but I don't know if I can tell anyone else. Especially not tonight. Not while my head's full of far too many things.

I try to come up with anything else to say but when Anastasia raises her eyebrows, I blank and say the first thing that comes to me. It's not what's distracting me and it's definitely not what has my heart around my throat but it works in this instance. And I'm sure once I stop thinking about Danny for longer than a few seconds, the reality of it all will hit me. I think it does a little when Anastasia's eyes widen.

"I-I just talked to a scout th-that really believes I'm going places. H-He thinks I'm gonna be offered a scholarship."

She blinks, just staring back at me like she didn't hear what I said, and I'm starting to question whether I spoke at all. She keeps opening and closing her mouth, like she's not sure what to say. I don't even know what I want to hear but anything would be better than just blankly staring.

"Fucking hell, kid, that's amazing!" she suddenly responds, throwing her arms around me in a hug. It's a little awkward with my shoulder pads and gear still on but I hug her back, a nervous laugh forcing its way out of me. I don't know what this means for me but I think it's a good thing. I think it's a really, really good thing. And right now, despite all the shit in my head, I'm so fucking happy.

* * *

My teammates are all talking at once when I step into the locker room. It's hard to tell voices from one another but I recognize Jeff's as the most excited one when there's mention of a party. I think Keith says something about how great the game was, and maybe it's Kwan that asks what took me so long but it's hard to concentrate.

"Guys, let me breathe would you?" I ask, unable to keep the grin from my face as I shove Jeff backward when he tries to grab me in a headlock. I'm not the kind of person to brag but I kind of want them all to know about the scout that believes in me. Just so they know that I'm not just a high school fuck-up. I can be a college one too.

Now doesn't really feel like the time to bring it up so I just move to my locker, setting my phone on top of it. I start removing my gear, ditching most of it on the floor. Jeff and Keith follow me over to my locker and Jeff plops down on the bench, drying his hair with the end of his towel.

Keith comes to lean against the locker next to mine, glancing toward one end of the locker room. He lets out an irritated sigh before he looks back at the two of us. "You know Blake almost didn't get to play tonight?"

"Say whaaaaat?" Jeff questions, draping his towel around his neck. He and I look down to where Blake is, talking loudly and gesturing to Kwan and Mitchell.

I dart my gaze back to Keith with a shrug. "What'd he do?"

Keith shakes his head. "I don't know. I didn't get to hear the full thing but I kinda got the idea that maybe it was about Blake's temper? I heard Coach yelling at him in his office just before the game, something about losing his cool too easily. But he also said something about steroids so…? I don't know, I think his parents were there too cause I could've sworn I heard his mom talking at one point."

Jeff and I both let out a groan, knowing the full horror that is Mrs. Weston. Blake's dad basically pays the school to keep his kid on the football team but I think deep down, even he knows that Blake can be an asshole. His mom's just gonna forever be in denial.

"You're coming to Paulina's party tonight, right?" Jeff asks after a few seconds of silence, glancing up at me when I look over my shoulder. He grins, shooting me a thumbs up. "I'll spring for pizza."

I'd go to the party with or without his offer but some pizza sounds amazing right about now so I make a show of warring with myself, pretending I have some kind of better option.

"Alright, fine. But only if there's some pepperoni for me," I respond, tugging my shoulder pads over my head. I set them on the bench before I start undoing the rest of my padding, my mind miles beyond this locker room. DALV university might want me to play for them. There's a chance that they actually _want_ a fucked-up quarterback from a small-ass town in the middle of nowhere.

Jeff jumps up from the bench and slaps me on the shoulder. "You got it." He shoots me finger guns as he walks backward away from me and I can't help the snort that leaves me as I roll my eyes. He's such an idiot sometimes. But maybe that idiocy is what I need tonight. Maybe I need to forget about everything and just go to the party and not think. If I can get my mind away from Danny for longer than a few minutes, I might just succeed.

* * *

" _God, it's just… e-everything's a fucking wreck right now. A-And I know what you think I'm calling about but it's not that, okay? I don't… I don't know why you think that about me b-but I'm not. I'm not th-the phantom, Dash. P-Please believe me, I have nothing to do with any of th-that. I know I'm different but I'm not… I'm n-not the phantom."_

I'm sitting in my car, replaying Danny's voicemail for the third time cause I was barely listening to his words during the first two plays. I was too focused on the tremble in his voice and the sound of tears choking him. I hate the way he sounds when he's crying.

The voicemail dies again and I let out a sigh, debating replaying it for a fourth time. The only thing that stops me is that I know he's texted me a bunch of times so I just save the voicemail and open up the texts instead, running a hand through my hair as I read.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**I don't know why you think that** _

_**Are you like sleep deprived or something lmao** _

_**Honestly, I don't understand. Like? Was it something I said?** _

_**Just play the game and maybe we'll talk afterwards or something? no pressure** _

God, he's trying so hard to sound normal but he doesn't. He sounds just as terrified in his texts as he did in his voicemail. And I'm not surprised at all that I can tell over a few lines of text. I know Danny. Pretty damn well despite not knowing him for that long.

The further I scroll down the text messages he's sent me, the more panicked he becomes. There's a break of about half an hour between texts and I guess that's when he called me. God, he must be so fucking terrified wondering how I figured it out.

**From: Danny Fenton**

_**Please, just trust me okay? Why would I lie about this?** _

_**I'm not who you think I am** _

_**I really like being your friend, Dash, please… I don't want to lose you** _

It's not like I want to lose him either. But he's so obviously lying and... I don't want him to have to lie to me. I wish he'd trust me with the answer. No matter how ugly, I just want the truth about this whole fucked up situation.

Danny's the phantom. But that's not enough to go on. Why is he doing this? And _how_ is he doing it? The same way he stopped that car from crushing me? I still don't know how he managed that. No ordinary person would be able to do what he did and I'm fucking _dying_ to know the truth about all of this shit.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**You're not going to lose me. No matter what the truth is, I'm still gonna be here** _

I start to add another message saying that I'm still gonna be his friend but I hate the way it sounds. Like friends is all we can ever be. I don't want to be just friends with Danny. It's enough for now, but not forever.

I type out a few other things that I never send before I eventually just pocket my phone, leaving it at that. I want to forget the fact that there's a party tonight and just drive to Danny's place, beg him to tell me the truth. But I'm guessing he needs his space right now. I know I would after something like this. So I'll give him that for now and point my car in the opposite direction of my mind, headed straight for Paulina's house.

* * *

The party's pretty low-key but Blake and Jeff are already stumbling and slurring when I get there. Jeff slings an arm around my shoulders when he sees me and I can smell the beer on his breath as he sways, using me to stay upright.

"Heeeey man. Where'd you run off to?" he asks, looking up at me with glassy eyes. I almost feel bad for him, knowing that the hangover he'll have tomorrow is gonna be a real bitch.

I shrug his arm off my shoulders and he quickly forgets he was ever talking to me, stumbling back toward the source of the alcohol. I almost follow him there but for once, I'm not interested in drinking. Not even a little. I want to stay clear-headed for the night and just think. Thinking about Danny always leads to more questions so for the moment, I put him out of my mind. Which all things considered, is pretty fucking hard.

My teammates are mostly subdued tonight despite our amazing win so I just settle for wandering the backyard. Keith's missing from the scene and I guess he thought about the last party he went to before deciding not to come. I can't imagine that he's eager to repeat what happened.

Kwan's secluded away in a darkened area of Paulina's backyard, making out with Jared, so I don't bother heading that way. I wonder when he invited the guy here… probably while I was listening to Danny's voicemail on repeat. It's hard to remember that everyone else's world didn't stop at the tremble in his tone playing over the message.

Star's attempting to pull Jeff away from consuming more alcohol and it looks like she's gonna win that battle. Jeff's love of alcohol is trumped only by his love of girls.

Paulina's on the deck, overlooking the yard with a smile on her face. The wind is blowing softly and I watch her hair sway in it. A month ago, that sight would have mesmerized me or some shit but tonight, she just looks like a girl. One that I shouldn't string along anymore.

She turns toward me just as I reach the top stair of the deck and she beckons me to her with a smile. I offer one in return and take her hand when I'm close to her. I watch the backyard the way that she does but I don't think we're seeing the same scene. My teammates are drunk and stumbling or attempting to dance to whatever's playing on the stereo. Watching them without being a part of this scene is weird. But I don't exactly mind it.

"It's nice out. Finally feels like autumn weather," Paulina says, smiling when I look at her. She shrugs before returning her gaze to the party, nodding toward our friends. "Looks like everyone's happy the Ravens won again." She pauses before adding. "You were really amazing tonight, Dash."

Her compliment only reminds me of the scout. God, I never thought I'd have the chance to leave Amity Park and now that it's potentially fallen into my lap, I have no fucking clue what to do about it. I want to tell her about it but it feels too soon. I feel like I should lock it away and never tell anyone. At least… not for a while.

Paulina takes her hand from mine but doesn't return the glance I give her. She crosses her arms and leans on the railing of the deck, letting out a soft breath in the silence. I wonder what's running through her mind. What she thinks of when she looks out at our friends partying while neither one of us are a part of it right now. Is it as weird for her as it is for me?

I turn away from her and lean my arms against the railing too. The music is still playing throughout the backyard but it's almost like it doesn't reach us. It's like background noise and I have to admit, I like the way silence sounds between the two of us now. Before the beach, it would have been awkward and we would have stumbled over each other in an attempt to fill it with small-talk. But it's been different this time. Better.

The wind continues to blow around us, making me realize just how cold it actually is now. I hadn't really noticed the weather since October began but now it's pretty much staring me in the face and causing shivers to run up my spine.

Paulina shifts next to me and I hate the way my chest is aching at the thought of having a conversation I know has to happen. It's always been her that's called it quits. I've never broken up with her before but it's not fair of me to keep her hanging around like this. I think a part of me will always love Paulina and what we used to be but… I can't keep her around forever as some kind of backup plan.

"Do you… think we could talk?" I ask softly, looking at her when she turns to me. Her expression is neutral as she nods and I wonder if she expects what's coming. Or maybe she's wondering if I'm about to start bitching again. God, she really didn't deserve to have to hear about my shit all the goddamn time. No wonder our relationship was so fucked up. I barely asked her about the shit going on in her life. I was so caught up in what was going on in _mine_.

I let out a breath, hesitating a second before I take her hand in mine. I don't want her to misread my actions but I think she can tell. Considering her own hesitance when she squeezes my hand, she's gotta suspect something at least.

"I don't… think… that we're really working, Paulina," I say, my voice quieter than I expected it to be. I don't want to break up with her in front of all of our friends but it's not like they're paying attention anyway. They're all too drunk or horny to be looking our way. Still, her hand tightens in mine and she glances around the backyard. I squeeze her hand in response, exhaling again before I look up.

Paulina's expression is disappointed but not surprised at all. I guess she's seen this coming for a while, same as me. When we're good together, we're good. But when we're not, we're so fucking bad. It's just been a waiting game for both of us, to see when it turns bad. I'd rather jump ship before it does than to have another explosive break-up.

She gives me a sad smile and I don't know if it's me that she's gonna miss. Maybe it's us. Or maybe the pair we make. Head cheerleader and quarterback for the football team. I can't imagine that it means that much to her but maybe it does. Maybe it's some kind of definition for her.

"I don't think we are either," she whispers in response, her eyes falling closed as she speaks. She swallows hard, blinking rapidly as she exhales softly before turning away from me. She takes in the scene in the yard again before looking back at me with a shrug. "We screwed up a lot, Dash… We didn't deserve the shit we put each other through."

Shit, she's taking this a hell of a lot better than I thought she would. I really wish I didn't have to do this. She still means a lot to me and if there was a way to make this work, I'd figure it out. Cause I was right, when we're good, it's so amazing. And she fits perfectly on my arm and she's beautiful and… any guy is gonna be lucky to have her as his girlfriend. I'm just not that guy.

Paulina hesitates a moment before pulling me closer to her, our foreheads together. She offers another smile before closing her eyes. "I'm really gonna miss being yours, Dash Baxter," she whispers, her fingers carding through my hair as she exhales softly. Fuck, I'm gonna miss her too. My chest tightens at the thought of not being hers anymore. But she's not who I want. It's not fair to keep her on my arm just cause I still like the way it feels.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, not sure what I'm apologizing for. I didn't expect us to end this way. I expected more of a fight from her. Some kind of arguing, demanding to know why I didn't want to be with her anymore. But her touches are gentle and I know this hurts her as much as it's hurting me.

She pulls my lips to hers and I kiss her like it's not our last one. A part of me wants to say I've changed my mind and kiss my way down her body, lay down with her the way we used to. Dream about getting out of this town together. But all I'll have now are memories and that has to be enough. Because it's easy with her and I'll always care about her, but she doesn't make my heart race or my breath stick in my throat the way Danny does. And I want her to find someone like that. Someone that makes her realize we weren't everything we could have been.

"Don't be sorry," she whispers when she finally pulls away from me. We both open our eyes to stare at each other and I'm a little ashamed of the tears pricking the corners of my eyes. The smile she gives me is sympathetic and I wonder if she feels this way too. Like a piece of her just ended and though it's for the best, it still hurts. I love Paulina. I think I always will. It's just… not her fault that she's not Danny.

* * *

I guess Paulina and I are both surprised at how easily things ended between us cause it quickly turns awkward. We make a little bit of small-talk but without anyone else there, it's not easy to keep up a conversation. I almost call it a night and head home but she turns toward me with a smile.

"The pizza should be here any minute now. You wanna ditch these guys for now and have the kitchen to ourselves before we let them know it's here?" She grins when I nod and crosses the deck to open the back door.

I follow her into the house and she passes me a soda before the doorbell rings. She leaves to get it and I wait a few seconds before I follow after her. I know Jeff said he'd get it but he's too drunk off his ass to remember that and I don't want Paulina paying for it. Even though her parents probably don't give a shit how much she spends, I just broke up with her. I think that means I owe her a pizza.

"Here, I can get it," I offer as she swings open the door.

Paulina barely glances at me before she shakes her head. "No, that's fine. Jeff gave me some cash before he started drinking," she says, pushing open the screen door with one hand. She takes the boxes from the delivery guy before handing them off to me.

I wait for her to finish paying before I start for the kitchen again. She closes the door before joining me. We settle at the island, the music drifting from the backyard acting as the only sound between us. I wonder if she feels as awkward as I do. The silence is almost tangible and I try to come up with something to talk about. Something that isn't bitching or complaining.

We both open our mouths at least half a dozen times but whatever we're thinking of saying dies on our tongues before we speak it. I guess it's too soon to have a casual conversation after the break up cause we both give up halfway through and just eat our pizza in silence. I know in a few minutes, we'll have to call our friends inside and the quiet we have will be disturbed, so for the moment, I try to just let it wash over us.

Maybe it's too soon to talk about things like we normally did but I hope we find a way to get back to it. Hopefully soon. Not just cause it'll be awkward until we do, but also cause things have been good between us lately. I wish things could work between us but I don't think we were made for that. She'll always have a piece of my heart but… I don't want her to have all of it. I think I want Danny to.

* * *

I dream that night. After I've left the party and collapsed into my bed, I dream of Danny. He's waiting for me after a game and I race across the field to meet him. His smile is fucking amazing as I scoop him up into my arms and capture his mouth with mine.

Danny squirms away from the kiss, turning to hide his face in my chest. He starts whining, telling me that my teammates are watching and I tell him to let them. He bats his eyelashes at me before finally letting me kiss him. And my lips feel perfect against his and I drag my fingernails down his spine and-

The scene changes. We're not on the field anymore. We're on a bed that doesn't belong to either of us. He's panting and I'm leaving a trail of kisses down his stomach. He groans and drags my face back to his, his fingernails sharp against my cheek.

I groan too, easily sliding my tongue into the wet heat of his mouth and he whimpers, his body shivering from my every touch. My hands explore his chest as I lay him down, our clothes long gone. He lets out a broken noise, staring up at me with a pretty pink flush and I part my lips, intent on telling him everything I feel.

_"D-Danny, I-"_

* * *

Something jerks me from the dream and I actually let out a fucking whine. What the _fuck_? I was sound asleep and dreaming so hard, why the hell did I have to wake up? Fuck my body for its stupid, shitty internal clock.

I tug my pillow over my head and squeeze my eyes closed, hoping to drift back off into that dream with Danny. Where my hands were on him and he loved it. I was gonna tell him how I feel. Fuck. Even though it was just a dream, it felt right. I don't want dreams to be the only the time I touch him that way. _Please, let me go back to sleep. It's so much better than reality._

A pounding noise sounds just as I've drifted off and I realize it's coming from downstairs. What the hell is going on? Is there some kind of obnoxious construction going on in the neighborhood? Cause fucking hell, I was trying to sleep.

The noise doesn't cease this time, so I'm forced to get up from the bed and wander downstairs. As soon as I'm on the stairs, it's obvious that some fucker is banging on the front door like their life _depends_ on it. God, I hope whoever it is realizes what awful timing this is. I was having a fucking amazing dream and they ruined it.

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" I call out when I get to the bottom of the stairs. I run a hand down my face, trying to wipe most of the sleep away. Whoever's knocking on the door might have woken me from a dead sleep but there's no need to let them know that.

I undo the lock before I swing the door open and I hate myself for the sputtered gasp that leaves me. Shit. No, no, _no._ Shit, I'm not ready for this, I… fuck.

Dad stares back at me and I numbly open the door further, stepping back to let him in. He studies my face for a second before glancing at the doorknob. My gaze drifts to it too and I suddenly understand why he was pounding.

"I uh… changed the lock… the old one was… sticking a lot," I say, thankful that I have the excuse of having just woken up to fall back on if he questions why I'm stammering. "I… left the key under the mat for you."

He glances down at the mat before leaning down to lift it, swiping the key lying beneath it. He turns it over in his palm, staring down at it like he's never seen anything like it, before he steps inside the house. He glances up at me, his brows furrowed and the tension is settling in my stomach again.

For half a second, we just stare at each other and I expect him to say something. To tell me I shouldn't have changed the lock or maybe just acknowledge me with some kind of insult. But he just lets out a scoff and leaves me standing in the living room.

I listen to him going further into the kitchen before I push the door closed again, letting out a quiet breath with the movement. Shit, I wasn't ready for him to show up again. Not this early… I needed more time to myself. To figure shit out.

Dad starts a pot of coffee going and I'm moving before I think it through. I'm back up the stairs and dressed within five minutes. I grab my keys and phone from my dresser and pull my shoes on before I'm jogging down the stairs again.

I don't bother checking the time, I just leave the house and get into my car before dad has a chance to follow me. If he's here when I get home, I'll just tell him I was running late for work. But I can't be near him right now. Not with the feeling in my gut and the way I'm seconds away from starting to tremble. I don't want him to see me before I've managed to pull myself together. He just got home. I don't want to push him away again so soon.

* * *

The garage is closed when I pull up outside of it, nursing the coffee I stopped for on my way here. I'm not exactly disappointed by the fact that I'm the only one in the parking lot. The last time I saw Alex… things didn't end well. I don't really want to repeat it but I don't want to be around dad either.

I don't like where my mind is going in the silence so I pull my phone from my pocket and glance over my screen. I must've forgotten to turn my volume on before I left cause there's an unread snapchat from Danny, sent ten minutes ago.

My screen lights up with a picture of his face, fading bruises brushed along his cheeks like some kind of sickening painting. He's wearing a baseball cap turned backwards, his tongue stuck out, and captioned the photo, _"hats were made for bad hair days."_

I can't explain why my chest aches at the sight of the bruises while my mouth grins at the caption he's gone with. I don't know why but I feel the need to screenshot this image, afraid I'll forget the way it makes me feel as soon as it's disappeared from my screen.

I want to ask him everything about the phantom and have him trust me with the answers but I don't think he will. Not yet, at least. I have time to convince him but I don't want to push him away again. For now, I'm okay to wait.

There are a few different responses I could make to his snapchat but they all sound too serious so I go with a photo of my coffee cup on my dashboard, appropriately captioning it, _"caffeine, nectar of the gods."_

As soon as I click the send button, a car pulls into the parking lot. My heart crawls up into my throat as Alex gets out of his car. He glances toward where mine is parked and I debate on getting out too. Just patching things up with him. Not cause I don't want to go home but because I don't want to have to avoid him.

He takes a few steps toward my car before he stops, just staring at me. I know he's waiting for me to get out and talk to him but… I can't. Fuck, I want to fix things with him but my heart is pounding again. I pull my car out of park and back out of the lot. I don't know why I thought it'd be a good idea to show up here like nothing happened but I continue down the road and out of sight from the garage. I want to make things right with Alex but I can't. Because the questions he has are ones I can never answer. Cause his questions are about Danny and I can't tell anyone a single fucking thing about him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, yo, yo! Welcome to another update with this angst! I couldn't leave you guys hanging on that cliff for too long so I decided to update tonight instead of later this week like I planned
> 
> So you finally get Dash realizing that Danny's the phantom. While Danny hasn't admitted it and Dash isn't willing to push him for answers just yet… at least the seed has been planted in the lovable quarterback's mind. He knows now. And for now, that's gotta be enough for him
> 
> And speaking of enough… how about that scout talking to Dash, huuuuuh? I've been waiting for so long to drop this chapter cause that moment is such a defining one for him. This poor boy needs SOMETHING to go right for him and if he's lucky, this might just work out ;p
> 
> I know that a lot of you are probably really happy about Dash breaking up with Paulina and I totally get that. It's a little bitter-sweet to me because while it does get Dash one step closer to going after Danny… he just let go of someone he's been dating on and off for the better part of 3 years. I don't know, maybe I'm the only one that's a little sad to see their break up lmao
> 
> The return of Howard is FINALLY here! A lot of you predicted that his return would be super angsty but that wasn't too bad, right? At least… for now it isn't ;p
> 
> Speaking of Dash breaking up with Paulina though, I picked the title of this chapter from The Way It Was by The Killers. I've always known since this fic began that's the sort of song that would play if this shit was a movie. I don't know, I've just always had it in my head so it was always the right choice for this chapter. And the title kinda fits Dash for this chapter - learning about Danny being the phantom, the offer from the scout, the break up with Paulina, Howard's return... that boy's got a lot to think about and a lot of questions on his mind
> 
> Another song rec for this chapter is Haunting by Halsey. It's very Danny in my head and also just a great jam. Speaking of, if you make any song suggestions in the reviews/comments, I want you to know that I genuinely listen to all of them – I really love hearing what music you think fits this fic
> 
> Anyway, I think I've rambled enough for this chapter. I hope you enjoyed reading this and I'll see you all next update!


	49. Is This How It Ends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Graphic description of abuse and trapping the abused from leaving

**From: Alex**

_**You can come into work any time today, Dash** _

**From: Alex**

_**Anastasia's coming in at 4 if you'd rather wait until she's here** _

I don't know what to respond with so I opt for nothing, closing out of his conversation. I only stare down at my other conversations for maybe two seconds before I'm opening Danny's. I could message any one of my teammates or friends instead but he's the one I want to talk to. Which probably isn't a good thing considering I'm trying to avoid pushing him about the phantom thing.

**To: Danny Fenton**

_**Are you busy today?** _

I stare at his name until the letters start to look weird and I end up tapping his contact before I realize I'm doing it. It doesn't look right with his last name attached to it so I erase it. When we first started talking, he was Fenton to me. But now he's just Danny. I like calling him that a hell of a lot more than Fenton.

**From: Danny**

_**Not until later. Why?** _

I don't want to pull him away from whatever's going on with him, especially considering he could probably use the time to himself, but… I don't want to be alone either. Kwan's still sleeping, I know that for sure. He's all about getting in early runs during weekdays but if anyone wakes him on the weekends, they might as well be poking a sleeping bear.

God, I shouldn't _still_ be nervous when I text Danny but I am. I hate the way I second-guess myself on every word I type. I must re-read it half a dozen times before I finally push send, chewing on my thumbnail as I watch it appear on my screen.

**To: Danny**

_**I'm bored and no one's awake yet. Wanna go do something?** _

Danny probably has way better things to do this weekend than hanging out with me but I don't. I want to see him again, even if it's only for a little while. Hell, I'd meet him to do _homework_ as long as it meant I got to see him. I hate not knowing how he is… especially considering our phone call last night.

Thankfully, Danny doesn't keep me in suspense for long and I'm a little embarrassed by how good it makes me feel to see his answer.

**From: Danny**

_**Sure. Meet me at school?** _

* * *

Danny's car is parked near the front of the school when I pull into the lot. He's leaning against the driver's door, staring down at his phone, but he glances up when my car crunches over the gravel lot. He smiles and gives a small wave when he sees me before pocketing his phone.

"I was kinda hoping you'd still be asleep when I sent that snapchat this morning. It kinda seemed like you could use the rest," Danny says when I step out of my car. I move around the hood and muster up a shrug. The bags he's sporting under his eyes are horrible but I'm distracted by the backwards cap he still has on. Paired with his dark blue shirt with various white dots that make up constellations, he's making this casual interaction harder than I thought it would be.

"Yeah… I was already up." I shove my hands into my pockets, more to stop myself from brushing back the fringe from his forehead that's managed to escape the hat.

Danny closes his eyes, turning his face up to the sky and letting out a soft breath. "Couldn't sleep, huh?" he asks, squinting an eye open as he looks down at me.

I swallow loud in the silence but I manage to find my voice before it turns awkward. "Uh… yeah. Y-You?" I mentally kick myself for the stutter but if Danny heard it he doesn't mention it.

"Mm… I barely slept," he mumbles, stretching his arms over his head. I wonder how much of that has to do with whatever phantom was doing last night. "Today's gonna be murder cause I haven't had any coffee," he continues, tilting his head back down again. He gives me a small smile and I can clearly see the bags under his eyes. Jesus, what's he doing hanging out with me instead of trying to get a few more hours of sleep?

I jerk my thumb toward my car. "Do you… wanna go get some coffee?"

Danny makes a face before shaking his head. "No… I'm steering clear of caffeine today. My um…" He drops his gaze to the pavement, shrugging a little. "My anxiety's been pretty bad lately so I'm trying not to make it any worse."

Shit, what the fuck is he doing? He didn't have to meet me just cause I asked him to. He should be home, trying to relax or whatever helps him. "You didn't… have to meet up with me," I mumble, scuffing the toe of my shoe against the ground.

"No, I wanted to," he says, glancing toward my car with a shrug. "It's not like I was sleeping anyway. And besides, it's probably better that I'm not on my own right now." He covers his mouth with the back of his hand as he yawns and I'm stuck just watching his eyes crinkle up with the movement. It's not fair of him to be this fucking adorable.

Danny looks back at me and I try not to be obvious about the fact that I was just admiring the view. "Any idea what you want to do today?" he asks, starting for the passenger side of my car. "I gotta pick my sister up later so I only have a couple hours."

"Uhh…" I try to come up with something on the spot but his words suddenly register in my mind. I remember seeing a photo of his sister at his place when he was tutoring me… "Um… what... was that about your sister?" I ask, rubbing at the back of my neck as I cross to the driver's side. There's a few seconds of silence as we both climb into the car and I start the engine.

Danny exhales softly, reaching to grab his seatbelt and buckle it in place. "She's coming home for the weekend. My parents are working for a couple hours this morning so they asked me to pick her up from the train station."

He slides his phone from his pocket and glances at the screen before nodding and putting it away again. "Her train gets in at noon so we have about three hours to kill before I gotta head that way."

I click my own seatbelt into place before glancing his way with a shrug. "I didn't really have anything in mind for today… just kinda bored," I respond. For half a second, I consider adding the fact that I don't want to go home yet but I don't know if I'm ready to tell Danny that. It was natural when I told Kwan and Paulina… hell, it even felt natural when I spilled my guts to Alex but it'll be different when I tell Danny… _if_ I tell Danny.

He picks up on my slight wince at the thought of Alex and when he frowns, it's like my mind blanks entirely. All I can focus on is that slight pout of his lips. Ahh, fuck me, he's so adorable it physically hurts just looking at him instead of touching.

Danny lets out a quiet 'hmm' as he turns his stare out the windshield. His bottom lip disappears between his teeth again and I have to train my gaze out the window cause I can't take that sight. Not in the crowded space of my car. I put the car in drive and back out of the parking space, intent on just driving around until we see something that interests us, when Danny pipes up.

"What do you usually do for fun?" he asks, innocence all over his expression.

I chew on the inside of my cheek as I shift my gaze back to the road, offering a shrug in response. "If I'm with my friends, get wasted." I don't really do anything 'for fun' by myself. Unless fixing parts of my car counts. Something tells me it doesn't.

Danny hums softly, turning his gaze out the window as I continue to drive. After the silence has stretched over us long enough, I reach to turn the radio on. A DJ is talking at full-volume and I nudge the dial down a few notches until he shuts the hell up.

A soft song starts playing and I vaguely recognize the voice. Danny does too and he starts easily nodding along to it, his expression taking on a dreamy look. He's quiet until the song reaches the second chorus.

"Hey, turn left here," he says as we near a fork in the road on one of the back roads behind the school. I barely glance at him before I take it. He settles back in his seat, paying more attention to the road now. He gives me directions occasionally and once again, I'm heading to the edge of Amity Park with Danny riding shotgun.

I give him a look. "I thought you had to pick your sister up in a couple hours."

Danny shrugs, his stare drifting over the clock on my car's dashboard. "We still _have_ a couple of hours," he responds, giving me a grin as he slouches down in his seat. "Besides, I doubt you'll wanna stay here long. It's kind of – oh, turn left again – it's kind of more my style?"

After a few more turns, we've evidently reached the place and I snort as I pull my Mitsubishi into the parking lot. I'm not even surprised that he's taken me to a space center. Honestly, I figured it was gonna happen at some point.

"I'm a nerd but you're not allowed to tease me. This place is amazing, okay?" He rolls his eyes at whatever expression is on my face. "Humor me, alright?"

He unbuckles his seatbelt and gets out of my car, pausing only to stick his tongue out at me which makes me laugh. He grins in response before slamming my car door shut and I'm quick to follow him out.

Amity Park Science and Space center is looming ahead of us and I give Danny a side-glance and he sticks his tongue out again. "Shut up, okay? There's a lot of informational sections and the museum part's pretty cool but… I really love the planetarium and observatory rooms." Danny's smile grows as he talks and I bite the inside of my lip to stop myself from saying anything. "I'll have to bring you back here one night to see the observatory."

Danny leads the way up to the front door and he holds the it open to let me go first. The woman working behind the desk recognizes him immediately and it makes me wonder how often he shows up here. They talk for a few minutes, mainly about shit I don't understand and I let my eyes wander around what I guess is the lobby area.

Aside from the desk we're standing in front of, there's an elevator across from us, and some weird over-grown plant things beside the doors. I swear, one of the plants looks like it's trying to crawl out of its pot.

"You know it's not open to the public again yet…" the woman is saying, and I easily tune back in to the conversation. She's biting on her bottom lip and Danny's looking up at her with an eager expression. She hesitates only a moment more before she exhales softly, reaching beneath the desk. Her hand emerges, clenched around a key, and she passes it off to Danny. "Make _sure_ you lock up behind you or Hobson will have my head, alright?"

Danny bobs his head in response, an overzealous grin taking over his face. "Right, of course. Thanks, Delilah." He glances back at me, gesturing for me to follow him. He's practically vibrating with excitement as he comes to a stop in front of the elevators. We climb into one as soon as it's arrived and Danny lets out a breath, the grin never fading from his expression.

"You… uh, you come here often?" I ask, awkwardly coughing at the way it sounds like I'm trying to hit on him. Not that I don't want to...

He glances at me, nodding again, that eager expression still on his face. "Yeah, all the time. I've been here at least three times a week since freshman year. I've gone a couple times since this year started, until-" He abruptly stops, his face coloring as he looks away from me.

I bite down on the inside of my cheek, waiting the appropriate amount of time before I prompt him to finish. "Until…?"

Danny meets my gaze for all of three seconds until he deems it to be too much and he shakes his head. "Um. O-Okay, you can't laugh or… anything but, I kinda haven't really been back since we started talking. Cause… I've been tutoring you after school or hanging out and that's… um, it takes p-priority over a few hours by myself. A-And I- _what_?" he demands when he looks up at me. His face is still colored and I can only guess what mine looks like with the grin I can feel taking over my features.

I have the decency to look at least a little ashamed that he caught me grinning like a fucking idiot and I offer up a shrug. He likes hanging out with me. It takes _priority_ over other things.

He scoffs next to me, stepping out of the elevator once we've come to a stop. "You're not allowed to tease me, okay?" He sticks his tongue out at me before I follow him off the elevator. He's back to being excited as fuck and practically skips down the hall in search of whatever we're here for.

"Three twenty…. Three twenty-one…. Three- Ah, here it is!" Danny says, the smile on his face making me want to smile too. He checks down the hall before he slides the key into the lock and gives it a turn, quickly ushering me inside.

Darkness swallows us whole when he lets the door fall shut behind him. The key clinks softly in his hand and he lets out a breath. "S-Sorry… I forgot there's no light, hang on." He easily pads his way across the room and I stumble behind him.

He uses his phone to light his way and jogs up four or five stairs before he comes to a stop. "Alright. Get your ass ready for this cause it's the second best thing in the world."

I hear the sound of typing and a few clicks before the room is suddenly bathed in speckles. Tiny, drifting speckles that I almost can't see. I think a breath leaves me as I stare around at the stars covering every inch of the walls and ceiling.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Danny asks, suddenly next to me again. I almost jump when I realize how close he is and he puts his hand on my shoulder in some form of an apology. "Come on." He tugs me by the arm and sits on the floor.

He turns toward me when I sit next to him and though I can barely see him, I can hear how happy he is when he talks. "It's currently going under some changes but Delilah has been working here for as long as I've been coming and she lets me in here after hours or when it's closed to the public."

Danny quietly exhales, stretching out onto his back as he keeps his gaze on the ceiling. I stare at his body for longer than necessary, seeing the little dots of stars lazily drifting over him. The bottom of his shirt is riding up just a little and I can't help the way I want to reach out and touch his hipbones.

I lay down beside him, turning my gaze upward too. I'm afraid if I stare at him for any longer, I won't be able to stop myself from touching him and making this awkward.

"Second best thing in the world, huh?" I ask and he hums softly in response. I drum my fingers against the floor before I turn my head toward him. He's still got his gaze on the ceiling but as my eyes adjust to the darkness more, I can make out his shape easier. "What's the best – the real thing?"

Danny shakes his head, letting out a quiet breath. "No… s-stargazing in general is the second-best thing in the world…." he trails off and though the opening is right there, and I could easily ask him what the first thing is, I find myself not wanting to. If he's interested in telling me, he will.

He doesn't say anything and though I'm curious as fuck, I let it end there. Cause I don't want to push him away again like I did when we came home from the beach together. The broken tone that his voice held that day isn't one I want to hear again anytime soon.

I keep my gaze focused on the ceiling for as long as I can before I tilt my head to watch him instead. My eyes have adjusted completely and I can clearly see the contented expression on his face. He looks entirely at peace, staring up at the projected stars and a warm feeling spreads through my chest. I wonder how often he's been in here by himself, staring up at these stars and thinking about life.

"Makes you feel so small, huh?" Danny questions, his voice soft. He shifts a little, his gaze never leaving the stars overhead. "This… is what I love about space. And the outlook. When you're staring up at the stars or down at the town we live in… nothing matters. None of your shit… or _anyone's_ shit matters… and I love the feeling of everything not mattering for just a little while."

He pushes out a contented breath, turning toward me with a genuine smile. One that makes it so easy for my eyes to trace the shape of his lips even in the darkness and makes me want to kiss him. If I could just make our shit matter for a few seconds, I'd press my lips to his and he really would forget everything else. I'd commit to memory the taste of him and the way his lips felt against mine. I want to reach across the space between us and tug him closer to me, gaze down into his eyes, and just fucking kiss him… but god, he's so happy and I have no fucking clue if he even looks at guys the way that I'm looking at him **.** If the lights were on, I'm sure he'd see everything I'm thinking painted on my face like I'm an open fucking book. And that thought makes me so fucking glad that we're sitting in the dark, staring up at a string of projected stars while I think about kissing someone that was just supposed to be my math tutor.

* * *

I don't know how long we stay in the planetarium but by the time we leave, I feel like some kind of mole. We're both blinking in the brightness of the hallway and my eyes have barely adjusted on the elevator ride before we're standing in the lobby, with the sun coming in through the windows.

Danny and the woman behind the desk talk excitedly about some NASA launch or something - I'm only catching snatches of the conversation. I stare around the lobby, trying to get my eyes to adjust. I'd hate to crash my car just cause I'm half-blind now. The elevator brings a couple of people with it and I watch them get off and head toward the door. I don't even realize a yawn has escaped me until Danny looks back at me.

"I think I'm boring my friend here so… I'm gonna head out," Danny says, giving Delilah a smile. "I'll see you next week or something, okay? Have a good shift."

She smiles up at him, easily nodding her head in response and offering a small wave as we start away from the desk. Danny returns the wave when we're at the door and then we're in the parking lot, trudging toward my car.

"It's gonna be jacket weather soon. I can't wait," Danny comments, giving me a smile when I look at him again. His eyebrows draw down just a little and his expression is a bit hesitant. "S-Sorry… if that wasn't that interesting for you. Um… y-you can take me wherever you want to?"

He darts his gaze away from me and I guess my squinting appears more like I'm irritated than the fact that I'm practically blind in this sun.

"Don't be sorry. I liked that, it was cool of you to show me," I say, attempting to give him a shitty smile when he looks back at me. He returns it instantly and the momentary tension between us is gone. Well… for the most part. I still want to kiss him and it's tearing at me with every beat of my heart. It's like my own body is asking me the same question I've wondered every time I see his smile. _God, why don't you just fucking kiss him?_

* * *

Danny turns the radio on after we leave the parking lot of the space center and he absentmindedly taps his hands against the armrest to the beat of every song. I even catch him humming along a couple of times but he doesn't notice me staring. I don't get long to look at him considering the fact that I'm the one driving but still. I love the few seconds I manage to steal a glance or two at him.

"So, where to now?" he asks, finally turning toward me once we've been driving for a while.

I shrug a shoulder, not entirely sure I know. I kind of want to default to coffee and parking my car by the outlook again so I can bitch about every horrible thing in my life but… I don't want to bring up any of my shit right now. And besides, Danny mentioned ditching caffeine for the day.

"I don't know… I'm all ears if you have any ideas," I say, paying attention to the road as I switch lanes before I glance at Danny again, offering up a shrug.

Danny makes a soft 'hmm' sound in the back of his throat, before he glances at me. "What about… that theater you dragged me into a while ago? It might be nice to see when it's not the dead of night. Unless that's the only time you like to visit it," he says with a smirk.

I roll my eyes as a snort leaves me. I wasn't that interested in breaking into the place. I just wanted to distract him. God, that night feels so long ago but it's only been about a month.

Within a few minutes, we're on the right path and after I make a few turns, I'm pulling my car into the parking lot of the theater. There are almost no other cars around us so I park in the first space I find and kill the engine.

"At least we won't have to pick the lock this time, huh?" Danny asks, laughing a little at the expression on my face. "You can even choose what movie we watch if you want to. Even if you choose one that's really-" He stops when his phone starts ringing and a frown creases his features as he glances over the screen.

Danny looks up at me. "Sorry, one sec." He presses his phone to his ear before letting out a breath. "Hello?"

I lean back, undoing my seat-belt only cause I want to slouch further in my seat. Danny watches me for a second before leaning over to poke me in the stomach. I try to prevent him from being able to but he somehow gets his hand under my arms and jabs me with his index finger a couple of times before sticking his tongue out.

"Yeah?" he asks, easily returning to his call. He's silent for a second and I wait until he looks up at me before I lunge across the space between us and poke him back, probably more times than what's necessary.

Danny lets out this laugh combined with some kind of primal screech and he glares at me like he wants me dead. I can't help the broken snorts leaving me as I watch his cheeks flush.

"Sorry, that was Dash. So… you'll be here early?" he asks, frowning again as he nods. "Oh, okay. Yeah, I'll be right there. No, don't worry about it." Danny chews his bottom lip before rolling his eyes. "No, I don't need you to… I'm hanging up now. No, I- _bye_ , Jazz."

He pulls his phone away from his ear and hits end on the call, glancing back to me. "Sorry… um, my sister's train got here early so I need to… go pick her up." He glances around the parking lot, probably trying to judge how long it'll take us to get back to the school and get his car.

After a few seconds of silence, he apparently decides and turns back to me with a hesitant expression on his face. "Um… are you interested in… I mean, do you like… do you want to meet her?"

Danny's face is flushed and I can't think of a reason why I'd say no. Not when he looks as adorable as he does right now with the slight flush and-

"Yeah, sure. Sounds like fun," I say, forcing a smile on my face despite the way my heart has started pounding in the silence. He gives me a smile and I'm guessing he can't hear my heart. I turn the car on again and once we're both strapped in again, we're on the way.

* * *

I don't think it hit me earlier that I'm actually meeting his sister for the first time but I'm _extremely_ aware of the situation as we stand outside the train station waiting for her to make an appearance. I'm chewing on the side of my thumbnail and Danny glances toward me.

He looks like he wants to say something but he decides against it, turning his gaze back to the station. I'm leaning against the front of my car and he's sitting on the hood. Out of the two of us, he should be more nervous than I am. But I'm chewing on my fingernails to distract myself and he's casually swinging his legs back and forth, just watching for his sister.

"I've mentioned you to her so she might recognize you," Danny says, turning his gaze up to the sky when I look at him. He's quiet for a few seconds before he offers up a shrug. "Just as a warning, in case she tries to hug you."

I drop my hand from my mouth, purposefully shoving it into my pocket so I'll stop biting my nails. "I uhh… y-yeah? Is she a hugger or something?"

Danny nods, a smile ghosting over his expression as he looks at me again. "Yeah. Every time I see her, she insists on hugs. Been that way since I was a kid." He glances toward the station, biting on his bottom lip before he looks at me again. "Can I… be honest with you?"

Honest?Like… _phantom_ honest?My mouth is dry but I swallow anyway, nodding. I don't trust myself to speak but apparently, he didn't need me to. He draws in a breath like he was never waiting for a response.

"I've… really missed her these past few months. It hasn't been the same at home without her there," Danny says, exhaling out a breath that holds some weight of loneliness I didn't know he carried with him. He drops his gaze to the pavement, the expression on his face unreadable as he continues. "She's only two years older and we're really close. A-And she's a sophomore now so, I've done this whole seeing her off after the summer thing before, I just… I've really missed her."

Shit. I've never had anyone like that in my life. It almost killed me when mom left but that's not the same thing. There was no chance that she was coming back. I don't know what to say to help Danny but he suddenly sits upright and practically vaults off my car. His expression immediately changes and his mouth stretches into a grin. After tossing me one final glance, he starts running toward the station and I can only watch him.

A ginger-haired girl is coming down the walk but she drops her bags on the pavement and matches Danny's pace to get to him. When they're finally close enough, she wraps her arms around him and though I'm too far away to catch what's being said, they're both grinning.

I debate on following Danny over to his sister but I feel too awkward to actually do it. I just keep my position of leaning against my car, waiting for them to make their way over to me. Thankfully, after a few more hugs are exchanged, Danny starts gesturing toward me and after the two of them grab her bags, they start heading my way.

Danny's talking with his sister as they approach my car and he's grinning but the closer they get to me, the more I can see him fidget with his sister's bag. When he looks away from his sister for half a second, worry seeps into his expression. Just as quickly as the change took place, he reverses it and gives his sister another smile when she starts talking again.

I push away from my car when they come to a stop and Danny glances between us, exhaling out softly. "Um… Jazz, this is… Dash," he says, extending his hand toward me. His gaze lingers on me, his eyebrows drawing down like he's worried of how she'll react, or maybe how _I'll_ react. "Dash, this is my sister, Jazz."

She smiles brightly before stepping forward to envelope me in a hug that I wasn't entirely prepared for. I awkwardly pat her back and Danny's expression lightens and he visibly relaxes. Which makes my heart pound for some reason besides the nerves.

Danny's sister pulls away from me, shooting me a grin with the movement. "So, you're the one that my brother leaves the house for," Jazz says, glancing toward him with a sly expression on her face. It fits with the blush creeping up his neck but I'm not sure I understand the exchange.

"Th-That's not… _Jazz_!" Danny squeaks out, hiding his face behind one hand. He uses his other hand to grab the suitcase beside her, purposefully running over her foot with the wheels. "D-Dash… why don't you help me put this away?"

Jazz laughs, leaning to kiss Danny on the cheek before he can get away from her. He responds with another glare, dropping his hand from his face before he looks at me, nodding toward the trunk. I follow him around the side of my car and open the trunk for him. His shoulder brushes by mine as he sets her bag inside. After a second, he nervously glances at me.

"S-Sorry… I told you she's a hugger," he mumbles, his gaze darting from me back to the trunk.

I shrug, reaching up to take my keys from the keyhole in the trunk. "It's cool," I respond, smiling at him when he looks my way. He relaxes again, a smile easily pushing its way onto his face and I suddenly feel more at ease. As long as I can keep Danny smiling and not worrying about whatever the fuck he's thinking, it's a success.

"You guys coming or whaaaat? I'm _starving_!" Jazz calls from where we left her and Danny glances in her direction.

He looks back at me with a shrug, his smile still in place. "I guess we'd better go then," he says, his hesitance replaced now by an amazing smile. One that I'm more than happy to encourage. Cause I was wrong before, happy doesn't look good on him. He makes happy look good.

* * *

Danny rides shotgun on the way from the train station and Jazz seems pretty happy sitting in the back, pointing out every random thing she can to talk about. At first, I wonder if she's trying to make small-talk but from the contented smile on Danny's face, I'm guessing this is just her personality.

"So, where are you taking me for food, little brother?" she asks, leaning forward to stick her head between the front seats. I barely glance at her before I creep the car forward in the longest line possible.

Danny looks her way with a shrug. "Depends on if I'm buying or not," he says, cutting her off when she starts complaining about being a broke college student. "Oh please, I _know_ mom and dad send you money like every week."

Jazz rolls her eyes before glancing at me. "Since my brother's being a jerk," she pauses to stick her tongue out at him. "You can pick where we go, Dash."

There's an air of hesitation in the car where there wasn't before and Danny slowly turns to look at me. Maybe he's trying to judge what I'm feeling or trying to guess where I'll pick but he eventually lets out a small breath, the worry creeping back into his expression.

"You don't… have to come with us. You can drop us off at my car if you want to," Danny says quietly. Like maybe he's afraid I won't tag along with them. Or maybe he's worried I _will_ … I can't tell which one he wants me to do and I'd rather just figure it the fuck out instead of saying the wrong thing.

I turn my gaze back to the road, weighing the options of saying the wrong thing before I finally let out a soft breath of my own. There shouldn't be anything wrong with just asking. I'm guessing he wants to be with his sister for a while, instead of having someone else butt in… but part of me hopes that's not what he wants.

"Do you… want me to leave you two alone?" I ask, inwardly cringing at the way it came out. God, there's probably a better way to phrase it but Danny doesn't seem to mind.

"N-No, I um..." He's awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck as he works out what he's trying to say. After a few quiet seconds, he glances up at me, a hesitant smile on his face. "I-I want you there."

I can't help the way my chest aches at his smile and the way I'm immediately returning it with one of my own. The traffic has begun creeping forward again so I busy myself with driving, unable to keep my lips from turning upward.

"I-If anything, you can keep her from asking all the typical big sister questions," Danny says, glancing back at Jazz. She suddenly pushes forward between the two seats again and I'm not sure when she disappeared from that spot.

There's still pink on Danny's face when his sister starts arguing about how it's her job to ask those questions and he should appreciate her more. I'm barely listening to the exchange between the two of them because I'm focused on the blush lingering on Danny's cheeks like it belongs there. And part of me hopes I'm the only reason that his skin is ever stained with that color.

* * *

Jazz takes back the offer to let me choose where to go when I default to a fast food place I frequent on my way home from work. She informs Danny and I that all she's had for the past week is take-out. Instead, she wants an actual meal somewhere nice. Which is how we end up outside some place called Axion a few blocks away from the train station.

"I'm still not paying for you," Danny says, rolling his eyes at Jazz's attempt at puppy dog eyes. He glances at me as he unbuckles his seatbelt. " _You_ I'll pay for."

"Hey, that's not fair! I'm related to you!" Jazz complains as she climbs out of the car, slamming her door closed. She crouches by Danny's window and sticks her tongue out before starting for the door.

Danny watches her go for a second before he looks back at me, that worry from earlier returning to his expression. "You sure you're okay with this?" he asks, looking like he's ready to call this off if I say I'm not.

"Yeah, I'm good. She seems cool," I say, reaching down to undo my seat-belt. I'm not sure why he's worried about this. I don't know his sister at all but… seeing the smile on Danny's face when he saw her lets me know all I need to about their relationship, and the kind of person she probably is.

We follow her into the restaurant and my mind wanders back to the weekend we played flag football together. How we walked next to each other to the field and I brushed my hand against his just to see what it felt like.

I don't glance his way when I brush my hand by his and I don't make an excuse for it this time. Though he looks at me, I don't turn to him. Cause his sister's waiting inside the place and as much as I want to give up and back him up against the nearest wall before kissing him over and over and _over_ again… I can't make this awkward for him.

So I do what I do best and pretend that my heart's not trying to beat its way out of my chest just cause his smile is really fucking cute.

* * *

Danny and Jazz keep me talking and laughing throughout the meal and by the time we leave the place, none of us are sure if it counts as breakfast or early lunch. Jazz mainly talked about college and how much she's missed being home but she managed to tell a couple of stories about Danny when he was younger. And as we climb back into my car, I feel like I know him a little better now.

I kind of zone out while I'm driving, barely listening to their conversation. It doesn't take long to get to the school and I park next to Danny's car, the familiar tension creeping back under my skin. Shit… was it really just this morning that dad woke me up? Feels like it's been a lot longer than that.

The three of us leave my car and hover outside Danny's. He unlocks the doors but neither one of them make a move toward it. Jazz glances between us for a second before smiling at me.

"It was nice to finally meet you, Dash. Gotta admit, you're not what I was picturing when Danny told me about you," she says, bringing that slight flush back to his skin. He rolls his eyes but doesn't deny that he's been talking about me.

I can't help the smile or the ever-present pounding of my heart at the thought of Danny telling anyone about me. "It was nice to meet you too," I tell her, accepting the hug she gives me a little better than the one at the station. She squeezes me gently before pulling away with a grin.

She shoots a look toward her brother, that same concern he wears around me easing its way into her expression. Jazz glances at me again, her eyebrows pulling downward.

"Can you do me a favor?" she asks, waiting until I nod before she continues. "Look out for my brother, will you? Make sure he doesn't spend too much time cooped up in the house."

Danny scoffs, dropping his gaze when we both look at him. He toes the ground with his shoe before looking up and jerking a thumb toward his car. "We should probably get going, Jazz. I'm sure we've taken enough of Dash's day already." His gaze lingers on me when he looks up and I can feel the breath caught in my throat at the hesitance in his expression.

I want to say that I'd rather stick around with the two of them but I really should leave them alone for a while. I imagine Danny wants that time with his sister now. He immediately looks away from me when I meet his gaze.

Jazz gives her brother a small nod but I speak before either one of them can leave.

"I will," I say, watching the confusion on Danny's face before he gets it. But they should both know that I'm not planning on letting him stay stuck in his house forever. As often as I can, I'm dragging him out of his place.

The grateful look Jazz gives me makes me wonder if she knows about phantom. Or if she's never gotten as far as I have and questioned the bruises only to get no explanation. Danny said they're close but… I wonder if they're close enough for him to talk about that with her. Unless… was he _born_ this way?

"Thanks, Jazz," Danny mumbles, running a hand down his face as he glares at her. His bangs have fallen completely from his hat and I almost can't stop myself from brushing it away from his skin just so I can watch that pink flush meet his hairline.

He glances at me, letting out a soft breath as he offers up a shrug. "She worries about me too much. Tried to tell her in the past that I'm okay and she never believes me."

"I'd believe you more if I knew you were hanging around people more often," Jazz says, cutting him off before he can argue. "And yes, I know you skype with Sam and Tucker all the time but it's not the same."

Danny mumbles something about it being exactly the same but she won't hear it.

"Oh please, it's not. Dad was telling me that you actually went to a party a little while ago. A _real_ party, Danny. You haven't done that in like two years." She glances at me, a smile easily taking over her expression. "Am I right in assuming that you had something to do with that?"

"Can you not, _please_?" Danny asks, glaring at her. The smile doesn't leave her face but she holds her hands up in mock surrender. He rolls his eyes at the gesture and exhales out before nodding toward my trunk. "Can you um… can you get out her bag? I'm gonna… put her in the car," he says, glaring at his sister and she can only grin in response.

He leads her to the passenger side and I focus on getting her suitcase. I slam the trunk door shut just as Danny rejoins me. His skin is still flushed as I hand him the bag. I try not to let my eyes linger on him too long but the striking of his pink skin framing his blue eyes has me caught in some kind of trance.

Danny looks away from me, an embarrassed smile crossing his face as he tugs open his trunk door. "Thanks for uh… for coming with us today," he says, glancing toward me.

"I had fun," I respond, leaning against his car when he shuts the trunk. I shove my hands into the depths of my pockets, giving him what I hope is a good smile. "Any time you need me there to distract attention from you, let me know."

He scoffs, shaking his head as his smile widens. "Sounds like a sweet deal on my end but I'm sure you'd want something in return."

"What, like fixing cars to impress girls? Nah, I got that on my own," I respond, probably a little over-confidently considering the wink I give him.

Danny laughs then, rolling his eyes as the sound plays in my ears on repeat and I can't help the grin that's gonna become a permanent part of my face at this point. His expression is so carefree and despite the lingering bruises, his face manages to hold a bit of that contented look he had earlier. God, I fucking love the way he looks right now.

"Speaking of," Danny says, crossing his arms as he joins me against his car. "We should really do that again sometime. Think you're gonna be allowed around the garage anytime soon?" he asks, nudging me with his elbow. He's still smiling but it's a little more hesitant now. Like maybe he's afraid that I'll ask about the car again. Or about phantom. About any of this fucked up shit. But I'm not pushing Danny right now.

I rub the back of my neck, offering up a shrug and hoping that's enough. I'm still grinning but I think he catches on to the tension in my movements cause he puts his hand on my arm. When I look back at him, his smile is gone completely and I don't think I'll ever understand how he can switch expressions so quickly.

"Did something… happen?" he asks, seeming to know the answer already. His fingers rest delicately over my wrist and I stare down at them, trying to find the words instead of imagining the way his fingertips would feel against my lips.

I don't want to drag Danny into this shit cause I know he'll feel awful for being the reason why Alex and I aren't really talking right now. Or maybe I'm the one who's not talking? He texted me after I left the garage and he seemed like he wanted to talk when I was there… ah fuck, am I just making this more complicated than it really is?

"It's not… that big of a deal. Things are just a little tense between us, I guess," I say, wishing I was better with words. If I was, I could say everything the way it is in my head and it'd be better. Or at least, less shitty.

Danny closes his hand around my wrist, his expression still concerned when I look at him. "You guys seemed really close when I met him," he says softly, looking up at me like he's waiting on the answer. _Sorry, Danny. I'm not dragging you into that._

I nod, looking away from him again. I can't tell Danny why things are tense cause he's at the center of it. Cause Alex knows that there's something different about Danny and I can't tell him the truth. I can't tell Alex that my stupid, fucked-up heart fell for the guy that was just supposed to be my tutor but it turns out, he's so much more.

"You'll… you'll figure it out. I-I know you can," Danny says, gently squeezing my wrist while I resist the urge to hold his hand. Because I know if I do, I'll kiss his fingertips and tell him that he makes stardust look dim.

So I nod again and force a smile on my face. I don't know when I started getting good at faking but pretending that I don't like Danny is the hardest thing I've ever pulled off. I can only hope that one day, he won't be fooled by it any longer.

* * *

Even though I don't want to face dad just yet, I find myself parked outside my house, looking between his car and the front door. God, I really don't want to see him so soon. I'm sure I'm gonna fuck up somehow and he'll hate me again. Still, I can't sit in the fucking driveway all day.

I force myself out of my car and into the house before I give myself time to think about it. I can't see around the staircase but I can hear dad at the kitchen table, talking on his cell phone. He pauses briefly in his conversation when I shut the door, but he effortlessly picks up where he left off.

Despite my best efforts to go unnoticed as I creep toward the stairs, dad waves me over as soon as I'm in his sights. He holds up one finger before continuing with his conversation. He talks only about a minute longer before he hangs up the phone.

"Didn't get to see you much this morning," dad says, leaning back in his chair and looking up at me. I hate the way my throat is instantly constricting under his gaze. I feel like he's watching me and just waiting for me to fuck up.

He's silent for a couple seconds before he glances down at his phone, seeming to choose his words carefully. "I heard you got into some trouble. Toby was telling me you got arrested," he says, glancing up at me with a lifted eyebrow. "He said that those government investigators got a hold of you too."

My stomach bottoms out as he looks up to watch me again and I feel like some kind of specimen, there for him to decide what to do with. I want to be able to answer him, talk about those government agents, but he seems stuck somewhere between curious and not caring.

"I got you out of the court date," he says, like he went with the latter. Considering the expression on his face, I'm guessing he really doesn't care. "And all of my officers are now _completely_ aware of what'll happen to their jobs if they ever hand you off without talking to me again."

_Wait… he_ does _care? He wants the officers he works with to keep me away from the government agents unless… dad signs off on it? He actually cares what the hell happens to me?_ I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say or if I should thank him so I just end up nodding, hoping that gets my point across enough. I resist the urge to drop my gaze to the floor when he looks back at me but my stomach twists.

"There something you want to tell me, Dash?" dad asks, his voice sounding more like a death sentence than anything else. He lets out a soft 'hmm' when I shake my head but he doesn't say anything else. He easily returns to his phone and I don't know what to do. Fuck, I wish I hadn't come home yet, the day's still so fucking early.

Dad looks up at me, still awkwardly standing there, thinking about everything the agents said to me. The pictures they showed me of my parents. Of _dad._ God, they could have hurt him in a _second_ and I wouldn't have been able to do anything to stop them. Despite how fucked-up things can get between us, I don't want anything to happen to dad.

"You sure there's nothing you want to tell me?" he asks and I shake my head again.

"No. I'm just… gonna head upstairs. Do some homework. I've got a lot to focus on," I mumble, taking a small step backward before I gesture to the stairs. "If you need me, I'll be up here."

He barely acknowledges me with more than a nod and I quickly take the exit. I've been so used to no one being here when I come home, it's almost like I've forgotten how it feels to have someone else in the house. Which is probably why focusing on my homework is so difficult when I get to my room.

I eventually take a photo of my algebra page and send it to Danny with a bunch of question marks in hopes that he can explain it. God, I don't remember it being this difficult before. Maybe it's cause I'm not focusing on it that well. My mind's running with thoughts of phantom and Danny's sister and processing the fact that dad's home.

**From: Danny**

_**I'm sorry, my sister's distracting me a lot right now. Raincheck and I can help you with this later? Possibly tomorrow?** _

Just as I text back that it's fine, my door opens and I don't know how I didn't hear him coming up the stairs. My heart crawls into my throat and all I can focus on is dad standing in my doorway. His face is expressionless and the sight makes my stomach turn. What the fuck is he doing in my room right now?

"Wh-What's up?" I ask, clenching my hand around my phone in the silence. Fuck, maybe he's just here cause he hasn't seen me in two weeks and wants to know how I'm doing. Knowing my dad, that's the furthest thing from the answer.

Dad shrugs, stepping further into my room, clasping his hands behind his back as he glances around my walls. I can't understand why my gut is clenching the way it is until dad stops next to my bed and drops something on top of my algebra book.

I don't want to break eye contact with him, afraid of what's gonna happen when I do. We end up staring at each other for a few minutes until the tension in my gut begins crawling up into my throat and I finally look away from him.

There, lying on top of my algebra book, is a crumpled envelope with my name scribbled on it, a little heart beside it. And my stomach hits the fucking floor as I hesitantly lift my gaze again.

Dad just stares back at me, offering me nothing but a blank expression in response. Shit. I don't know what to do. My mouth opens but no words come to me. I have no fucking clue how to deal with this but dad apparently does.

"Were you ever going to tell me about this?" he demands, the casual tone from earlier completely gone now. He holds my gaze as I try to sputter out a response but I still can't come up with anything.

He crouches down to look me in the eye and a broken gasp leaves me. God, I'd take the awkward conversation with Alex over this. It'd be a thousand times easier than dealing with dad right now. His anger has never been this quiet before and I don't know how to fucking handle it.

"I-I…" is all I manage to get out before his fist swings and connects with the side of my face. I try to scramble away from him but my bed only provides so much room and he instantly closes the gap between us, his hands doing what they do best.

Dad anticipates my every move and though I try to block him, he manages to get to my ribs and the pain from September is almost renewed as the breath is knocked from me. Every time I try to breathe in, dad manages to land another hit.

"So," he says, grabbing onto my calves and jerking me off the bed. My head hits something on the way down and I fight to keep my eyes open against the sudden blackness crowding the edges of my vision. Dad pauses a second before kicking me in the ribcage and I can't help the garbled noise from leaving me. Holy fuck, my ribs ache already.

Despite the amount of pain it brings me, I flip onto my stomach and try to crawl toward my door but I only make it a few paces before dad's laughter rings in my ears.

"You're not running away like a little fucking bitch," he spits out, clamping something cold around my wrist. I barely catch the glint of silver before he drags me backward and fastens the other handcuff around one of the legs of my bedframe.

It takes me a few stunned seconds to realize that I'm actually chained here and I look at my wrist as I give an experimental tug against the handcuff. I don't get long to process it before dad crouches next to me again. He looks fucking evil as he stares at me, the malice in his tone almost tangible as he speaks.

"So, let's talk about the letter, _Dash_ ," he says, making my name sound like a swear. I don't have time to respond before he punches me in the gut. _Fuck_ , every hit hurts worse than the last. If he keeps at it, I won't be able to breathe by the end of the day.

The blackness is still distorting my vision and for a few seconds, I lose complete sight of him. It doesn't last long and when I'm staring up at him again, he manages to hit my face a few times, only increasing the blackness trying to suck me in.

"She's been talking to you, huh?" dad demands, his hand or foot hitting me again. I don't even know where his hits are landing any more, there's just pain. I'm struggling against the handcuff around my wrist but dad notices and somehow manages to tighten it until it's scraping my wrist every time I move my hand.

He kicks me in the stomach a couple more times, dragging out a gasping breath or two from me. "I asked you a fucking question."

A groan leaves me as I draw in a staggered breath. "I-I didn't… even… write… back," I wheeze out, squeezing my eyes closed against the pain. Goddammit, I forgot about this stupid fucking letter. I knew I should have torn it to shreds the second I was finished reading it.

I squint my eyes open and glance around for my phone. If I can just call Kwan, I might get out of this alive. Cause right now, I don't think dad's interested in stopping until I'm dead.

He notices where I'm looking and kicks my phone away from me, snorting when I groan. "What? Were you thinking of calling someone? Like who?" dad asks, punching me when I don't respond. He glances toward my phone, his eyebrows drawing downward. "You have her in your phone, don't you?"

I try to tell him no but it's too late. He's starts calling me every name he can think of and when he continues kicking me, I find myself choking and gagging as I try to draw in oxygen. I fight against him as much as I can but the combination of pain and blackness is too much.

Everything suddenly stops hurting, and the blackness overtakes me. The last thought in my mind is a question. One I've thought of every time I've found myself in this position but this time, it holds more weight to it. _Is he going to stop before I die?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Yoooooo! how much do you hate me?
> 
> Welcome back to another week of this angst. I'm sure most of you saw the ending scene coming BUT… was it everything you'd hoped for? ;p it's been so long since the last beating, hopefully you guys can forgive me…? maybe?
> 
> So hello! Dash hanging out with the space nerd huuuh? He's more than happy to encourage Danny's love for space considering the smile that nerd always wears when he talks about it. also I just really wanted to write these two idiots hanging out in a planetarium… though I should really explore the observatory option at some point
> 
> Did you guys like my few subtle canon references in this chapter? Let me know if you found them, I didn't realize I had done them until after I was finished writing this chapter so… I'd love to know if you caught them
> 
> What'd you think of Jazz and her relationship with Danny? I really like writing about her and any scenes where she's interacting with Danny are just even better in my opinion. The sibling bond is strong with these two nerds
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from Sleeping with Sirens 'A Trophy Father's Trophy Son'. It's. So. Dash. I can't even describe how fitting this song is for how Dash has been feeling lately. (I hope I haven't used it before but I don't think I have?) Also it's a bit of a sneaky mention to the ending, huh? ; Oh, also the song Danny and Dash hear on the radio is Missing You by All Time Low. It could definitely fit earlier parts of this story but personally, I feel like it fits later parts a lot more.
> 
> As always, I love hearing what you guys have to say so let me know what you thought of this update or where the story's going in general. I appreciate all of you so much, thank you all for the support – I'll see you next update!


	50. What Did I Do To Deserve This?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Abuse of a minor, keeping the abused trapped, violence, threatening actions, use of and on-screen talk of gun, hospital visit

 

Something is vibrating on my floor and at first, I can't figure out what it is. It's pitch black in my room, the only light coming from my phone. Oh… so that's the obnoxious vibration.

I roll towards it but the pain registers at the same time the handcuff around my wrist stops me. A pained gasp leaves me and breathing in is more painful than it should be. Holy fuck… that shit actually happened earlier today. For a second, I thought it was a dream. But the pain ripping through me is proof enough that dad chained me to the bed and practically destroyed my ribs.

Everything hurts too much to move but I still try to loosen the cuff as much as I can despite the chaffing it causes. When that turns out to be useless, I try to stretch as far as I can to reach my phone but that doesn't work. Even when I twist at an angle that increases the pain in my ribs, in an attempt to use my foot to get it, the damn thing is still too far away.

Which leaves me with staring up at the ceiling, waiting until dad decides to let me go or someone comes to check on me. God-fucking-dammit, why does it have to be the weekend? Or why can't I just reach my damn phone? I bitch about a lot but I can't help wondering why all this fucking shit always happens to me.

* * *

I don't know what time it is when I hear dad on the staircase but every muscle in my body tenses as I wait for him. My heart is climbing in my throat and I almost _vomit_ when my door swings open and dad fills the frame.

He's got the neck of a bottle between his index and middle finger and a belt dangling from his other hand. I lose my breath when he steps further into my room, the sound of his belt buckle sending me back _years_ in my mind. Back to when mom was still here. When I was just a scrawny kid with welts on my arms from standing in between his hands and my mom.

"We can do this the easy way. Or the hard way. It's your choice," dad slurs, lifting the bottle to his lips and taking a long pull. I breathe out shakily and watch him in the darkness, moving closer to me.

Dad's teeth flash white in the darkness as he crouches next to me. "One way or another, you _are_ going to tell me where your mother is. It's just a matter of how much I need to break you."

"I don't know wh-where she is," I spit out, nerves clawing up my insides as he leans closer to me. He laughs softly, brushing my hair back from my forehead only to grip it in his hand and use it to jerk me upright.

A groan leaves me as I'm forced into an upright position, every part of me aching as dad drags my face closer to his. The stench of beer and cigarettes ghosts over my face when he exhales and I can't keep myself from gagging over the smell.

"I'll ask you nicely once. Tell me where your mother is," he says, turning my face back to his.

I let out a groan, squeezing my eyes closed as I shake my head. "Dad, I… have no idea where she is, okay? I-I swear, that's the truth. She's never told me where she is, she's… never told me a _thing_."

Dad sucks his teeth, nodding after a second of silence. "I see," he responds softly, letting go of my hair as he gets up from the floor beside me. He stretches his arms over his head as he exhales, rolling his shoulders before he looks at me again. In the dim lighting the moonlight provides, I can see him raise the belt over his shoulder and though I flinch, the hit doesn't land immediately.

Dad waits until I look at him again before he speaks. "Where's your mother?" he asks again, like my answer will somehow change just cause he's gonna beat the shit out of me again. I have no fucking _clue_ where she is and even if I did, I'd never tell him.

The belt whistles through the air before it connects with my skin and I let out a noise upon impact. Fuck… it's been forever since he's used anything other than his hands on me. Between the belt in his hand right now and the baseball bat still tucked away in the garage from its last visit to my skull… I'd still take the belt.

"I'm not fucking around with you, Dash. Where is she?" he asks again, not giving me a chance to respond before he's striking me with the belt again. I barely have time to inhale before he's delivering the next hit, this time adding a kick to my ribs for good measure.

I drag in a breath that wheezes as I slide down lower against the side of my bed, groaning a little. "Dad… i-if I knew where she is, I w-would tell you… but I don't."

He scoffs, kicking me in the ribcage again – hard enough to make my eyes water – but it's not enough for him. One hit is _never_ enough for him. So he hits me again. With the belt, with his fists, with his foot – it all blends together. It's just one hit after another and each shaky breath I manage to claw into my lungs feels like it's gonna be my last.

"How've you kept up with her? You been talking to her on the phone? Or is it just the letters?" he asks, the belt connecting with my skin before I even have time to answer.

I've given up trying to get away from him, just curling into a ball to protect my ribs as much as I can, every breath more painful than the last. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up but I know dad can go all night. He'll keep going until he breaks every bone he can reach and I can't let him. I'm supposed to play in the game next week – that scout told me DALV's coach would come see me play. And I can't play if I can't fucking breathe.

"There was a… motel," I breathe, wincing at the sound of dad's belt buckle again. But the belt doesn't hit me again and dad doesn't either. It gives me a second to catch my breath and I savor it. I close my eyes to the darkness, to dad's belt, to his face looming over me… I close my eyes to all of it and for a split second, I just drag in another painful breath.

The moment of silence ends and I exhale out heavily, not looking at dad even when I open my eyes. I can't look at him as I lie – he'll see through me in a second. He knows me too well to accept a lie. And I can only _imagine_ how much worse this'll get if he realizes I'm lying to him.

"What motel?" he questions, lifting the bottle to his lips again.

I listen to him down a few swallows before I speak again, keeping my voice soft to avoid it breaking on the lie. "I don't know where exactly. W-We met just outside of Elmerton. We talked for a few hours and then I went home. She seemed… comfortable there. Like she'd been staying for a while. Maybe she's got a place in Elmerton, I don't know."

Dad's quiet, the only sound between us the sloshing of his bottle as he drains the remainder of it. I take a few seconds to get my heart to quit pounding but it's useless. Not because my heart doesn't calm down and not because I'm still panicking but it's useless because of dad. Because as soon as that bottle is empty, he throws it at the goddamn wall and I feel the shards of glass rain down on me like some sick storm.

I look up then, expecting to see dad's glaring face in front of me but I don't. The only thing I can see is the barrel of a gun and I barely manage to make a noise before dad's pressing it against my forehead, destroying any illusion I had of control.

"D-Dad, I t-told you what I know, I _swear_ that's it, o-okay? She never told me an-anything, dad please, I didn't… I would tell you wh-where she is but I don't know. That's the truth, I swear. Please, dad, I swear. I wouldn't l-lie to you, dad I-"

The gun shifts against my forehead as dad cocks it and my blood runs cold through my veins, tears springing to life in my eyes. My heart's pounding into overdrive and I can barely manage to breathe as the cold metal of the gun seeps into my skin, wracking my body with shivers.

"You're gonna tell me the truth, Dash. Right here, right now." Dad's voice is unwavering as he speaks, completely devoid of any sign of hesitance in him. He's no killer but… he will shoot me if I don't give him an answer. I have nothing to give him. I have no idea where she is. She could be in Elmerton. Or she could be somewhere entirely different, I have no fucking _clue._ But if I don't give dad _something_ to go on, I'll end up bleeding out on my carpet.

My voice breaks when I speak and it sounds rusty to my own ears. Like I haven't spoken in forever and I can barely string the words together. Because I'm terrified that even with an answer, dad will still shoot me. He's been drinking… he's not thinking clearly. He'd never put a gun to my head sober but he _will_ pull the trigger like this.

"California," I whisper, feeling the tears in my eyes make tracks down my face in the weighted silence that follows. It's far enough away from here that by the time dad gets back, I'll be gone. Somebody will find me and I'll never come home again. Or… at least, I'll be around less. Sleep with my door locked and only come back after he's passed out in his bed. It's not a great situation but… it's doable. As long as I don't end up with a bullet in my skull.

Dad pulls the gun from my forehead and a shaky breath leaves me. He keeps the gun pointed at me, his finger on the trigger like he's not sure if he's gonna leave me alive or not. I can't run away from him while I'm still chained to my bed and there's nothing I can say to convince him not to shoot me. But I'm fucking _clinging_ to the hope that he'll just leave me. That he'll go in search of mom and he'll never come back to Amity Park. Never come back to _me._

"California," he says, like he's tasting the word. His eyes fall closed and he slowly lowers the gun. It doesn't stop the tears from flowing out of me and it doesn't calm my heart the way I expected it to but it's something. It's _something._

Dad slides the gun back into his holster before he looks up at me again. "Where?" he asks, his jaw set as he starts sliding his belt back into the loops on his jeans. I'm barely thinking as I rattle off the name of some town in California – something that I hope is out of the major cities so it takes him longer to get there. The longer that he stays away… the higher chance I have of surviving this.

* * *

I watch the sun rise like I do during my worst insomnia periods but it isn't the same as it is then. Usually when I can't sleep, it's cause I have insomnia. Not cause I've been chained to my bed post, threatened at _gun_ point and left on my floor.

Most of Sunday, I pass attempting to reach my phone or free myself from the bed. In between attempts of both, I manage to get a few hours of sleep in. By the time the sun starts to set, I can hear some of my neighbors talking outside and I debate on trying to get their attention. Then again… I'm chained to a fucking bed-post, what can I even try to do?

The sun sets and after a few hours, my room is completely pitch black again. Occasionally, my phone will vibrate and renew my efforts to reach it. But they always end in failure and I give up after a while. I sleep for a few hours here and there and by the time the sun rises again, I'm trying everything I can think of to get my fucking phone. It's only a matter of time before dad realizes that I lied to him and I don't think I'll live through his return.

I try lifting my bed up to get the handcuff off but with my bruised ribs and aching body, I'm not strong enough. I still make multiple efforts to get my phone but eventually I give up again and try to drift off to get a few more hours of sleep. Might as well since I can't fucking do anything else.

* * *

Some noise from downstairs startles me awake and my heart is hammering in my chest as I hear the front door shut. I hear his footsteps on the stairs, his every move deafening in the silence. The blood is rushing in my ears as I listen for him and a whimper leaves me when he starts turning my doorknob.

My stomach is crawling up my throat and I'm about to fucking vomit as I hear him. _Fuck. He's figured it out. He's gonna kill me. Fuck, he's actually gonna kill me. This wasn't supposed to happen like this._ Fuck, why didn't I _destroy_ that stupid letter?

The door creaks open and I exhale out, not sure if I should pretend to be asleep or not. I don't want to see the bullet coming. I don't want to hear the sound of the gun going off. I hate the way my hands have started shaking as I try to cover my ears. I can't even look toward the door as I wait for it to happen again. For him to yell my name, for his anger to surge, for his fucking hands to trap me, for his _gun_ to go off, for the rush of blood, for-

"Dash, oh my god!"

Kwan's voice breaks through the silence and my eyes fly open, turning toward the sound of his voice. He rushes forward from my doorframe and kneels on the floor next to me, his hand quickly brushing the hair from my forehead back. His eyebrows draw down in concern before he notices the handcuff still around my wrist.

"Holy shit," he breathes out, scooting on my floor to get closer to my bed. He glances at me once before letting out a breath. "Okay… I'm gonna lift the bed. Can you… get out when I do?" he asks, his eyebrows drawn down as he looks at me.

I slowly nod, managing to almost sit upright despite the pain it brings me. Kwan waits until I look like I'm ready before he lifts the end of my bed and in one motion, I manage to slide the cuff off the foot of the bedframe. Kwan sets the bed down before he's studying my injuries again.

"God, I'm so sorry," he says, glancing around my room with a shaky breath. His gaze is drawn behind me and when I turn to look where he is, I see the broken shards of the bottle dad threw at me. My gut tightens as I look back at my best friend and his stare doesn't linger on the bottle. He's quickly focused on me again and he looks down at my wrist when I do and we can both see the angry red slices the handcuff has made through my skin. It doesn't hurt as much as it probably should but Kwan still makes a soft noise when he sees it.

He gently takes my wrist in his hand and groans. "Dash…" he trails off, glancing up at me as he shakes his head. "You look… really bad."

I don't want to admit to him just how badly my body's hurting and I don't want to admit how terrified I was that it was dad coming up the stairs. But I can't even shrug without a wince and my heart's pounding in my chest at just the memory of the gun. He lets out a breath he'd apparently been holding and loosens his hold on my wrist.

"You can't… you need to go to the hospital," he says, his concern clear in his tone and it's almost enough to make me agree. But I can't show up to the hospital cause of my dad. In the past, mom was always there to patch me up. And the few times that a trip to the ER couldn't be avoided, she was with me and helped me come up with an excuse to explain away the damage. I don't know what to do if she's not there.

I shake my head, ignoring the pain it brings and though I try to speak, it comes out like a garbled mess and only renews the pain in my face. God, dad really did a fucking number on me this time. Still… I'm lucky to just be in pain instead of bleeding out on my carpet.

Kwan makes a face and I can only imagine what the fuck mine looks like. I want to thank him for coming to get me but the words are jumbled in my mind and it hurts too much to speak. I guess he gets that cause he doesn't ask me anything else.

It's quiet between us for a few minutes and I return my stare down to my wrist, studying the dried blood around the cuts the handcuff made. Fuck, it's probably gonna hurt like a bitch when I have to clean it but… I guess I'm gonna have to. I don't really want to think about moving right now but I should start heading that way soon. There are some painkillers downstairs that should take the edge off most of the shit dad did to me and I could really go for a warm shower. Even if it is gonna take me ten years just to get up the energy to shower.

The sound of Kwan's phone unlocking drags my stare back up to him and he doesn't look up at me as he taps something in his phone, finally letting out a breath when the silence has gone on too long. He glances up at me as he presses his phone to his ear, his eyebrows drawn down as he speaks. "I'm calling Alex."

"No!"

My whole face immediately hates me for opening my mouth at all and I groan against the pain it causes me. Fuck, why does everything hurt so badly? And why is Kwan still letting his phone ring? I'm not letting him talk to Alex or take me to the hospital or-

"Hey Alex, it's Kwan," my traitor of a best friend says, glancing up at me when I start shaking my head. His frown deepens but he chooses to ignore me. "No, it's Dash… h-he's really hurt, Alex. No. I don't think he's going to let me. He's kind of…"

Kwan runs a hand through his hair, letting out a breath. "There's a pair of handcuffs around his wrist a-and I don't know what to-" He waits a beat before asking, "Hedge trimmers? Yeah, I can check. Hold on."

He gives me an apologetic look before leaving the room. I hear him moving downstairs and his voice gets louder as he climbs the stairs again. When he comes into my room, he's got a pair of hedge trimmers I've used probably a thousand times in the backyard. I didn't ever expect them to come to my aid like this but I'll take what I can get I guess.

I wordlessly hold up my wrist to Kwan only because I want the damn cuff off already. I've had enough of it the past two days. Kwan looks hesitant as he props the phone between his shoulder and ear but he moves closer to me.

"Right, okay. Hang on." My best friend's hands tremble at first but he positions the tool next to my wrist and snaps through the metal like it's plastic. He breathes a sigh of relief when I move my hand away unscathed. "O-Okay, that worked. Yeah, he's…" Kwan glances up at me before delivering my death sentence. "Yeah, just meet us at the hospital."

He hangs up the phone and I try to level him with a glare but I know my expression softens when he kneels down next to me. His eyebrows draw downward as he slowly shakes his head and he looks like he's trying to hold it together as much as I am.

"Dash… I-I can't… watch this anymore. Please, let me take you to the hospital. You look… so awful," he breathes out, scooting closer to me on the floor. He tentatively takes my hand in his own and something about the look in his eyes has my lower lip trembling. Fuck, I really didn't want to get emotional. I fucking _sobbed_ after dad left me and I still can't shake the feeling of that gun against my forehead but this… I shouldn't be emotional over _this._

I just don't want to be in pain anymore. And I don't want to survive on the painkillers in the cabinet downstairs. I'm almost out and they're not strong enough anyway. Going to the hospital is my last option and I'm probably just bruised. I don't need to go. I shouldn't. But… _fuck_ , I don't want to feel like shit all night.

I give Kwan the small nod I can manage and he pulls me into an embrace. He whispers that it's gonna be okay but I don't think it is. And I don't know if there's anything left to say anymore. This is the same old scenario and I'm the broken record he keeps deciding to play, hoping this time the scratch won't be there. _Sorry, Kwan. I'm too fucked up to ever play right again._

* * *

The noise of the hospital kind of just happens around me and I'm barely acknowledging anything going on until a nurse leads me and Kwan back to a room. Every step hurts worse than the last but I keep a brave face on, not wanting anyone to know just how much pain I'm in.

As soon as we're in the room, the nurse instructs me to sit on the bed and she busies herself setting out various instruments and looking over a clipboard resting on a desk next to the bed.

"Dash, right?" she asks, glancing at me with the question. She waits until I nod before she gives me a smile. "My name's Carrie and I'll be helping you out today, okay?"

I can only respond with a nod because it still hurts too much to speak. I haven't had a chance to see my reflection and something tells me I don't want to. It feels more painful than any other time dad's worked me over, I can't imagine how bad it looks.

Carrie takes my vitals and watching her work reminds me of my mother. The long summer days I spent in this hospital with her just so I didn't have to go home to dad. The same dad that threatened me to find out where she is. God, I fucking miss her. He's done his worst to me again and I'm back in this stupid, damn hospital. And she's not here. I need her here and I hate myself for needing anyone.

"Alright, let's see what we've got going on here," the nurse says, sinking down onto a stool near the bed I'm sitting on. She scoots closer to me and examines the bruising on my face, gently tilting my head with her hand to get a better look.

She jots several things down onto the clipboard before returning her stare to mine. "Alright, you want to tell me what happened here?" she asks, raising her eyebrows at my hesitance.

I fucking suck at lying but it's not like there's anyone here to do it for me. Mom was always better at this part. The one where I have to put on a grin and come up with some kind of story to explain it away that makes me sound badass and cool instead of weak and pathetic.

"I… fell," I mumble, running a hand down my face and immediately regretting it. Fuck, it hurts so much worse than I realized before. "Um… I-I was playing… flag football with some friends and I… fell. D-Down a ravine."

Carrie gives me a look like she calls bullshit and for a moment, there's just silence in the room, the only noise coming from beyond the door. She clicks her pen twice before she speaks, her voice gentle. "You're sure that's what happened?"

I weakly nod, not sure if I should throw in a couple more details to make it more believable. Fuck, why isn't mom here? I could use her telling me what the fuck to say instead of having to come up with this shit on my own.

The nurse waits a moment or two more before she writes something on the clipboard. She picks it up from the desk and gives me another smile that seems forced this time. "The doctor will be in to see you soon."

She breezes out of the room like she was never here to begin with and I stare at the door after it's closed. I can barely focus on anything other than the silence but I hear Kwan's phone vibrate every now and then.

I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees and let my eyes fall closed. God, everything hurts. Worse than any time I can think of. I just want to go home and sleep for the rest of this week. Why did I agree to go to the hospital? I should have just taken the painkillers at the house and slept for a few hours. I'd feel better than I do right now. Or fuck, maybe not considering that dad has probably figured out by now that I lied to him.

The door opens and I blink open an eye, expecting the nurse to have returned. But it's Alex standing in the doorway, trailed by Anastasia. They both give me a once over and though Alex looks like he's warring on what to say, Anastasia beats him to it.

"Holy fuck, squirt," she says, coming to a stop beside the bed. She looks caught somewhere between wanting to hug me and not wanting to hurt me. After a second of hesitation, she takes the chair near the bed and plops down in it. "Gonna be honest with you. You look like hell."

I don't know what to say in response, only acknowledging her with a nod. I feel everyone's eyes on me so I drop my gaze, only chancing a look at Alex for a few seconds before I look away from him too.

Alex stops next to Anastasia's chair, his arms crossed as he looks down at me. After a few seconds of silence pass, he hesitantly places a hand under my chin and tilts my face up to look at him. His eyebrows draw down but his touch is gentle as he brushes the hair back from my forehead. I close my eyes to his touch, letting out a soft breath.

He doesn't move for maybe a minute, just studying my face, but he lets out a sigh as he drops his hand from my chin. "I'm gonna see about getting you an ice pack," he says, moving away from me before I can argue.

The door closes behind him and the silence is back again. I drop my gaze to the ground, afraid to look at Anastasia or Kwan. I don't want either of them to realize how close I am to breaking apart. Cause my body fucking hurts but so does my chest. It aches when I think about the past two days. Just lying on my bedroom floor, remembering the cold metal against my skin. Just waiting for someone to find me so I could stop being afraid of dad coming back to finish what he started.

* * *

Alex brings back an ice-pack within a few minutes and I'm still barely holding it together when he comes back into the room. He presses the ice pack softly against my jaw and I can't deny the pained groan that leaves me. Even with how gentle he's being, it still aches and I know he can tell.

"I-I got it," I mumble, the first words I've managed to say since he and Anastasia showed up.

He reluctantly lets go of the ice-pack when I close my hand around it, shifting it a little higher on my jaw. God, it hurts just to press it against my skin. How the hell am I gonna blow this off with Coach if something's broken? I have to play on Friday. Coach Raine is supposed to come see me play.

For a few minutes, the silence settles thickly over the four of us but it doesn't take Alex long to break it. He finds another chair in the corner of the room and sets it next to Anastasia's before sinking down into it with a sigh. His gaze rakes over my bruises and I hate that I'm still having trouble holding it together. He can tell. They all can.

"What happened?" Alex finally asks, dragging a sigh from me.

I don't want to explain to anyone what happened. How dad found the letter I should have fucking destroyed. I can't tell them how he dragged me off my bed and kicked me until I felt like I was gonna vomit, then locked a handcuff around my wrist to keep me there as his punching bag. And… how am I supposed to tell them anything about when he returned with his belt and his gun and he-

Kwan tries to hold my hand again when a pained breath leaves me but I move out of his reach. I can't have my best friend literally hold my hand anymore. He's done that enough when we were growing up. He's got his own fucking problems and here I am, dragging him into mine again.

When the silence has turned from awkward to painful, Alex starts to repeat the question but Anastasia kicks him in the shin. He looks at her with a frown and she responds by giving him a pointed look.

"Leave him alone. Poor kid's probably tired and starving. Not to mention the fact that he looks like a truck ran over him. Give him time to breathe, Alex," she says, slouching down in her chair and easily becoming my favorite person in the room right now.

I try to give her a grateful smile but the door swings open before I get a chance. A young guy steps inside, his long, white coat only reminding me of the people that showed up to Casper High that day. Those government agents. Shit, I'd take them any day over having to deal with this.

"I hope my nurses treated you well," the doctor says, letting the door swing shut behind him as he steps further into the room. He extends his hand toward me with broad smile. "Hello, Dash, I'm Dr. Edwards."

I take his hand in mine but I'm sure the handshake is a pathetic one. I can barely feel it past the pain radiating through my arm as I move. He lets go of my hand after a few seconds and shakes everyone else's hands as well.

Dr. Edwards gives me another once-over before he washes his hands and pulls on a pair of gloves. He pushes a stool closer to the bed and sinks down on it, scooting closer to me. "Alright, let me take a look at you." He holds up a tiny flashlight in one hand and extends his index finger on his other hand. "Don't move your head but watch my finger," he instructs. He switches out which hand holds the flashlight a few times and I follow the movement.

Kwan slides his hand into my own and squeezes gently and this time I don't stop him as Dr. Edwards looks at Alex and Anastasia, easily picking them out as the older two.

"No sign of concussion, which is good. Though he may have fractured his cheekbone and possibly his jaw as well. He needs to have some x-rays done tonight and a cat-scan to be on the safe side. Which one of you is the parent?" he asks, and apparently notices the hesitation between the four of us.

Dr. Edwards leans back on his stool, clicking the flashlight off. He slips it back into his front pocket, looking up at Alex and Anastasia again. "I'll need his guardian to sign paperwork before anything can be done. Along with the release papers."

I finally nod, the pain running down my spine with the movement. Everyone in the room turns to look at me and I force myself to speak despite the way my voice sounds like I've swallowed gravel and the pain in my jaw increases.

"A-Alex is… my uncle," I mumble, passing off the same lie I told a nurse in my sophomore year. It worked like a charm then but this time, the doctor is hesitant.

He looks between us again, folding his arms over his chest when he addresses Alex. "You're his legal guardian?" he asks, seeming skeptical of the situation.

"N-No," I say, hating the way my voice breaks mid-word. God, I sound so fucking weak when I'm supposed to be stronger than this. Why the fuck did I let Kwan take me to the hospital? Why didn't I just refuse and stay home? _Fuck, I'd be waiting for dad to get back right now and I have no fucking clue which situation is worse._

I let out a rattling breath that causes Kwan's hand to tighten in my own. I want to tell him I'm alright or give him some kind of sign that I'm not about to keel over but it isn't that easy. Everything hurts and I just want to go home.

"M-My parents are… out of town…" I trail off, glancing toward Alex in the hopes that he finishes for me. All it takes is a single look for him to understand. He easily looks back at the doctor and explains that he's been taking care of me for a while and that he can sign any papers the doctor needs. He doesn't mention anything about either one of my parents so Dr. Edwards is still skeptical of the whole situation.

He scoots back in his chair to glance over the clipboard again before he looks back at me with a raised eyebrow. "So, Dash… you said you were injured during a football game?" the doctor asks, looking me over with an "I-call-bullshit" expression.

I nod, letting out a soft breath. "Y-Yeah, the guys and I… were playing around… and I fell down into a ravine," I say, not able to look up at any of them as I utter the lie again

Alex makes a noise and Dr. Edwards spares him a glance. Kwan squeezes my hand again and I can feel everyone in the room wanting me to just tell the truth. To let this doctor in on what the fuck goes on behind closed doors but I can't. I've never been able to before, I'm not telling anyone now.

"There are a few things I need to ask that should really be asked in private." Dr. Edwards glances at the other three and nods toward Alex. "Since you're the one taking care of him, you can stay if you'd like," he says, and I shift my gaze to Alex. I want to ask him to stay. I want to ask them all to stay. I think Kwan can tell that I want him there from the way my hand shakes in his. But after a final squeeze, he lets go of me and slips off the bed.

Alex stands when the other two do and shakes his head at the doctor. "I'm gonna make a few phone calls," he responds, looking toward me like he's trying to decide if I'm gonna tell the truth or not. _Don't leave, Alex. It won't make a difference if you do – I'm never going to tell anyone the truth._

The three of them make their way toward the door and pause together, looking back at me before they take their exit. I stare at the door after it's closed, afraid if I look at the doctor, I'll start spilling my guts and I'll never stop talking about all this painful shit.

"I see a lot of kids come through here, Dash. With similar injuries to your own and some not so similar. But the behavior is fairly typical in each patient," he says, scooting closer to the bed when I sigh.

I finally move my stare from the door but I can only look at Dr. Edwards for a few seconds. I drop my gaze to the floor, shrugging one shoulder despite the pain. I don't want to talk any more. I'm in pain. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm _terrified._ I'm so fucking sad, it's _choking_ me.

Why? What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this? Could I have been a better son? Would that have made him less angry? Would it have made mom stay? Was there anything at all I could have done or was I just fucked from the start?

Dr. Edwards puts his hand on my knee and the sound of my shaky breath is all I can focus on. He's quiet for a few more seconds before he poses the question. The one everyone always asks in this situation. "If there's something happening in your home life, there are resources that will help you. Would you like to talk to someone, Dash?"

I respond the only way I know how. Cause mom's not here and she was always better with the lying part. I fucking suck at it but I can't drag anyone else into this hell. Not when I'm so close to getting out. If DALV's coach likes me and offers me a spot on their team… it'll just be a couple more months and I'll finally be out of there.

"No… like I said… i-it was just a football game."

* * *

I've had an x-ray done on my ribs and we're stuck waiting around for the next x-ray, probably for my face cause Dr. Edwards wants to make sure my jaw and cheekbone aren't broken. I don't know if they are but they both sure hurt like hell.

Anastasia brought me some vending machine finds about an hour ago but it's taking me half a decade to eat it. I'm barely even tasting it, I'm too focused on the pain it causes just to open my mouth.

Just as I'm finishing off the last of the food, Alex's phone starts ringing. He seems hesitant at first but he decides on taking the call and steps out in the hallway before he answers.

"You… want anything else?" Kwan asks hesitantly, scooting closer to me on the bed. I shrug, tilting my head back to swallow the last of the soda. Kwan takes the empty can from me before I try to put it on the table beside the bed. No one here wants me moving too much while we wait for the x-rays. Which really fucking sucks cause I hate just sitting here.

I glance around the room, trying to think of what to do in the silence when a shuttering breath leaves my best friend. His eyebrows are drawn down, his expression pinched when I turn to look at him. It makes my chest ache seeing him like this and I already know why he is. Cause I've put him in this situation again. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I ever just deal with my shit on my own?

"Dash… why don't you ever tell the doctors the truth?" Kwan asks, his voice pulling me from my thoughts. I don't know what to tell him that I haven't said a million times in the past. There's no point in telling anyone now. I've only got a couple more months living with him. I can handle that.

Kwan frowns when I offer up a shrug but it's not like there's much to say. He's known about this shit for a long time. And he knows that dragging anyone else into this isn't an option anymore. I didn't mean to tell Alex the truth but he's suspected it for a long time so he doesn't count as a new addition to this secret.

"You know I can't," I mumble, dropping my stare back to the ground. There's nothing I can do at this point. I'm fucked. I'll always be fucked. Even after I move out of dad's place, he'll be able to come after me at any time. I just need to fucking accept it. Dad will _always_ have power over me.

Anastasia suddenly props her feet up on the end of the bed, moving her gaze from the ceiling to me with a slight scoff. She does a once-over on my bruises again before she raises an eyebrow. "Just out of curiosity here, squirt. Why can't you tell anyone what's really going on?"

I let out a breath, dropping my gaze from hers almost immediately. She doesn't get it. No one does. I'm completely alone in this whole fucking mess and I just want mom back. She's the _only_ one that understands. That _gets_ this. I don't want to have to lie for her anymore, I want her to be here with me. Instead of three people I never should have told the truth to.

The door opens and Alex steps inside again, pocketing his phone as he pushes the door closed. His gaze flits between the three of us before he settles on me and I try not to squirm under his gaze. He uneasily sinks down in his chair, letting out a quiet breath with the movement.

He doesn't waste any time in the silence.

"Why'd you lie to the doctor?" he asks, like it should be fucking easy for me to tell a doctor that the reason I'm in the hospital is cause of my own father. It's like he's asking me why my hands shake when dad's clench. I don't fucking know, it's just a part of me now. I don't tell the truth cause it's too fucking painful.

I shrug, hoping that works as an answer, and return the slightly melted ice-pack to my face. God, it hurts like a bitch and I'm guessing it looks a hell of a lot worse than a roll down into a ravine. I've gotta get better at lying.

"Dash, if you never tell anyone, you're only making this worse on yourself," Alex continues and my sigh goes unnoticed. He places a hand on my knee and I feel obligated to look up at him, even though this whole fucking conversation is pointless. He searches my eyes, looking for something that probably isn't there anymore. "If you tell someone here… this can all go away."

I nod, dropping my gaze again. I don't want to bring up the fact that if I tell someone, it doesn't mean everything's just gonna magically work out. I'm still fucked-up no matter who I tell. Even if I leave dad now, I'll still remember when his hands clenched. I'll still have trouble being around angry people. It won't go away if I leave him. I don't think Alex gets that but I don't want to shit all over his encouragement. So I do what I'm good at and utter another lie.

"I'll think about it."

* * *

I'm exhausted by the time I'm finished with the last round of tests but I'm still not allowed to leave yet. One of the nurses tells me that it might be a while before Dr. Edwards can get to me, cause he's making his rounds with other patients. Which is just a real fucking bright spot to the day. God, I just want to go home and sleep.

Kwan steps out a couple of times to talk to Jared on the phone and each time he returns, he seems more upset than the last time. Finally, after the fifth time he comes back, Anastasia suggests they go looking for another ice-pack for me, considering mine's completely melted at this point. Even though I try to convince them to stick around, I'm pretty sure Anastasia wants to leave me and Alex alone.

I watch the door swing shut behind them and wait for Alex to say something. To start lecturing me about what I should have told the doctor or what I could still do now. I wait to hear him say anything, tell me I'm some kind of fuck-up, but he doesn't say a word. We just sit there in silence and somehow, that's worse. It leaves me alone to my thoughts and eventually, I just check out. There's no reason for me to let my mind wander too much and come up with anything that might give me too much hope.

"If you don't tell the doctor the truth, I will," Alex says, completely breaking my train of thought.

I snap my head up to look at him, a pained breath leaving me at the movement. "N-No," I stammer out. I try to fold my arms over my chest but the pain is too much and I end up putting my hands in my lap. Which just makes me feel like a little kid as I hold Alex's stare.

Neither of us say anything as we try to force each other to back down just from our glare alone. He can't tell anyone anything. It's my shit to deal with, not his. And if I want to let this go on forever, that's my choice. It's no one's fucking right to spill my shit to anyone else.

"I won't, if you do," he says after the silence has stretched on long enough.

God, he's so fucking impossible. I'm not gonna tell anyone a damn thing. It's no one's business what the fuck happens to me at home. So I piss dad off and he loses his temper. What the fuck does it matter? It's not like he's pulling this shit with anyone else.

I finally break the staring contest with a scoff, shaking my head as I look away from him. Alex doesn't get it. He's not dealing with my dad, I am. I know what he's like and it's nothing I can't handle. I don't need anyone to hold my fucking hand.

"Why can't you just leave this alone?" I mumble, more to myself than Alex. But he hears it anyway and if I can't let things go, Alex is ten times worse.

He comes to stand in front of me, placing his hands on the bed either side of my hips. I slowly lift my gaze to his and he lets out a soft breath through his nose, shaking his head. "Because it's you. There's no way in _hell_ I'm letting you try to handle this on your own."

Try? What the hell does he mean _try_ to handle this? I've been dealing with this shit since I was five years old, if anyone can handle this, it's me. Fuck, I've _been_ handling it on my own since mom left. If Kwan hadn't dragged me to the hospital, I'd _still_ be handling it on my own.

"What makes you think that I can't do this by myself?" I ask, shifting the ice-pack off my cheek enough to glare at Alex. "I've been handling this kind of shit a lot longer than you know. And I've been doing just _fine_."

Alex scoffs and the sound is so dismissive that for a single second, I want him to just go away. To leave me alone if this is what he thinks of me. If he truly believes that I'm just some scared kid that needs other people's help, I don't want him around tonight. I don't have the energy to be angry with anyone.

"You should give me more credit," I say, shifting the ice against my cheek again and closing my eyes to the cold. It's about the only thing that's helping the pain right now and I've got a sinking feeling in my gut that's telling me dad probably broke my cheekbone. That'd be just my luck too – break something right before an important game. God, I hope I can fly under the radar until game day so Coach won't have the chance to bench me.

"You're just a boy," Alex says softly, his gaze practically smoldering when I look up at him again. I watch his throat bob as he swallows and the breath he draws in shakes just a little. "Dash, you… shouldn't have to deal with any of this on your own. But you are and you're not… it's clear that you need somebody to look out for you."

I don't need anybody. Or… at least, I try not to need anybody. Sometimes in the dead of night, I can't help but ache for somebody to be there for me when the panic settles into my bones and my tears have broken through the dam. But I don't let my middle of the night panics follow me around all day. I'm a lot stronger than that but I don't think Alex will ever see me any other way.

"I'm not a kid anymore," I respond, hating the way Alex is already shaking his head before I've even finished a fucking sentence. "Why do you _never_ listen to me about this shit? I'm the one that's been living this whole mess out, don't you think that by now, I've picked up a few things? I'm a lot stronger than you give me credit for and one day in the hospital isn't gonna change all of that. I've still got that same strength, I'm still-"

"Look at where you are, Dash!" Alex raises his voice over mine but to me, it feels like he's shouting. I see the realization on his face just before I duck my head and a sigh is dragged out of him. "I'm sorry. I just… I need you to see how serious this is. I need you to understand that this… can't go on."

My fingers tremble around the ice-pack and I swallow thickly. I don't know what he wants to hear. It's not like it'll all go away if I leave dad. He'll find me wherever I go so it's all pointless. And I don't want to think about how bad it'll be if when he gets home, I'm hiding out at somebody else's place.

Kwan returns with Anastasia just as Alex looks like he's about to start talking again. My best friend is smiling, talking quietly to Anastasia as they step inside, but their expressions change when they look between the two of us. Anastasia raises an eyebrow and Kwan lets out a soft sigh, closing the door behind them.

"Is everything okay?" he asks, taking a step toward me. His gaze flicks between us before it settles on me. He waits for an answer but I won't look at him. I know if I do, I'll start talking about these past few days and how that cold metal felt against my skull and when they all hear my voice crack, Alex will only see it as more of a reason to tell the doctor the truth.

Alex takes the ice pack from Kwan with a sigh and I let him place the new one against my cheek, swapping it out with the melted one. He holds my gaze like I'll change my mind if he just stares at me long enough. But I've been dealing with this shit for far too long to give up now.

Everyone in the room is so focused on me that they all start when the door opens again.

Dr. Edwards breezes into the room, glancing between the three of them before he focuses on me. He sinks down on the stool again, frowning as he glances over his clipboard. "Well, Dash, there's some good news. Your jaw and cheekbone aren't broken but they're both badly bruised," he says, flipping a page on the clipboard before looking up at me. "I'm going to prescribe you some anti-inflammatory medication to deal with the swelling along with some painkillers to take as needed."

It's quiet in the office other than the rustle of the papers Dr. Edwards flips between and the noise of my ice pack shifting against my face as I nod. No one else says a word but Alex only lets the silence stretch on for a second.

"And the bad news?" he prompts and Dr. Edwards looks up at him. There's a moment of hesitation on the doctor's part before he meets Alex's stare with a concerned look.

"It… appears as though he's cracked a rib. I'll need another few x-rays to confirm it but from everything I can see on the machine, it's most likely that he has," he says, letting out a soft breath with the statement.

Fuck. I've… _cracked_ a rib? How the fuck am I supposed to play in next week's game if my rib is cracked? How can I keep my speed or my strength up during a game if my ribs still hurt like they do now? How much can they heal in three days? Enough to let me play? Or just enough to make my breathing hurt less?

Dr. Edwards sets the clipboard down on the desk and looks me over, assessing the damage once more. "And… you're sure this happened because of a football game?"

There's a sudden tension in the room that wasn't there before and I hesitantly glance toward Alex. He meets my gaze after a few seconds and I let out a soft breath, nodding as I look away again.

"Y-Yeah… it was just a football game," I say, the lie feeling worse the second time around. I expect Alex to start talking about dad, telling the doctor all of my secret pain, but he doesn't say anything. He stays quiet and while the tension doesn't completely leave the room entirely, it feels a little easier to breathe. Maybe he's still waiting on me to tell the truth but if he is, he'll be waiting forever.

* * *

The night drags on and by the time nine rolls around, I'm really fucking tired. Kwan started nodding off around eight-thirty so Anastasia and I sent him home. He made me promise to text him when I'm done at the hospital and Alex assured him that he'd do it for me. I don't think anyone's letting me go home tonight. Not that I blame them, I don't really want to either. But… I have to go home at some point.

I try to sleep but the bed isn't that comfortable and I'm in too much pain. So I end up staring at the ceiling, waiting to be taken to my last x-ray of the night. Unless Dr. Edwards decides to do another round in which case, fuck me.

It's just past nine-fifteen when Alex finally speaks again. We've all kind of been silent since Kwan went home and I don't think the quiet is intentional. It just happened naturally and none of us wanted to be the one to break it. But Alex does now and Anastasia and I both welcome it.

"Do you want me to get you anything?" he asks, sliding his phone out of his pocket, checking over whatever's on the screen.

I'm lying on the bed, rolled toward the door so I can move when the nurse comes to collect me for the x-ray. I shrug a shoulder at Alex's question, mostly bored cause Kwan isn't here now. God, I wish he hadn't been so tired. I wouldn't have sent him home if he hadn't been almost falling asleep. I just need someone like me that doesn't need a lot of sleep and is probably up at this hour and-

Anastasia picks up on the way I stiffen before Alex does. "Something wrong?"

Alex looks up from his phone to study me again and I let out a small breath. I can't… _really_ ask Danny to come to the hospital, can I? Especially not just to keep me entertained… He's probably busy with shit. Probably doesn't want to come see me. …do I even _want_ him to see me like this?

"What's up?" Alex asks, looking like he's ready to walk through fire if I ask him to. I don't know why he's still so concerned about me or why he cares so damn much but for once, I'm glad that he does.

I try to shrug it off again but… god, I really want to fucking see Danny. He always manages to get my mind off all of this shit. "I was just… wondering if you could call someone for me?" I ask, pushing myself into more of an upright position. It puts a lot more strain on my ribs so I shift back into my original position, my face squishing into the pillow with the movement.

Alex hesitates a second before he pulls his phone from his pocket again. "Who am I calling?" he asks, his thumb hovering over his screen.

My breath sticks in my throat as I realize what I'm asking of Alex. The last time we talked... we fought about the very person I'm asking him to call for me. _Fuck, should I be doing this?_

"D-Danny," I say softly, chewing on the inside of my lip as soon as his name leaves my lips. I hate the way my heart jumps and my stomach still feels like fucking butterflies are loose in it when I say his name. It's just Danny… then again, it's _Danny._ Fuck, I think he's always gonna have this effect on me.

There's a silence over the room again as Alex hesitates. He's watching me, maybe like he's trying to figure out why I want him to call Danny but he doesn't ask me. Instead, he leans back in his chair, fixing me with a look.

"I'll call him if you tell the doctor what really happened to you."

Fuck. I think my stomach actually crawls out of my ass as the fear splits through me. He doesn't… really expect me to do that, does he? I can't bring anyone else into this. They don't understand. They _never_ understand and… fuck. I want to see Danny but… I can't bring anyone else into this.

I open my mouth to tell Alex to forget it when Anastasia snatches his phone.

"Fucking hell, Alex," she says, glaring at him for a moment before looking at me. "I'll call him for you, Dash. _Without_ any strings attached," she adds, tossing another glare at her brother. He returns it but she looks away again to focus on me.

A little dumb-founded, I rattle off Danny's number and pretend I have someone else's number memorized too. It's not my fault that his is just easier to memorize. I chew on my thumbnail as I wait for the call to connect, still inwardly warring with myself about this whole thing. Anastasia flits her gaze around the room before Danny picks up.

"Hi, is this Danny?" she asks, chewing on her lip in the silence. "Okay, hey. It's Anastasia, Dash's boss? Well sort of anyway, we… Right, we met at the garage, yeah that's me." She glances up at me, letting out a breath softly. "Yeah, listen… So, he's okay but he's at the hospital right now and he asked me to call you."

Her eyebrows draw down in the silence and she tips the bottom of the phone away from her mouth as she meets my gaze again. "He wants to know if you want him to come by."

I hesitate a second before I nod, quickly adding, "Y-Yeah… If he's not busy." Anastasia pretty much ignores that last part and just tells Danny to come by. Says something about how I'm lonely here with just her and Alex. Which kinda makes me sound a little pathetic but it's the truth. Danny apparently agrees easily because Anastasia's hanging up about five seconds later.

"Alright, he's on his way," she says, dropping Alex's phone onto his lap. He barely glances at her before he's up and moving toward the door. He mumbles something about getting some coffee but he's gone before either one of us can respond.

Anastasia gives me a look that I'm pretty sure translates to "my-brother's-an-idiot-but-he-means-well" and I give her a nod. I don't know Alex the way that she does but even I know that he wants to help me. He just doesn't realize that he can't. And even if he could… I don't want him to.

* * *

It's been almost an hour since Alex left the room when I hear him outside the door again. His voice is soft and at first, I think he's talking to Danny, but the door opens and it's not Danny who enters.

Chuck Dower steps inside, giving me a smile that makes my stomach clench. Fuck, what's he doing here? How'd he even know I'm here? Did dad send him? Fuck, this isn't good.

I push myself up from the mattress, moving into a sitting position instead as my heart starts racing. _Shit._ Dad probably sent him to find me at the house… fuck, he's gonna be so angry when he hears that I'm not there anymore.

"Hey, buddy," Chuck says, crossing the room to get to me. I almost shrink away from him when he reaches to place a hand on my shoulder but he's not dad. His hands weren't the ones that bruised me. He's not the one that held a gun to my head and threatened me. Still, I can't help the small wince when his hand connects with me.

Chuck squeezes my shoulder and I don't think he picks up on the fact that I'm bruised everywhere. "How are you feeling?" he asks, giving me a once-over. His eyebrows draw downward as he takes in my injuries and I can only offer up a shrug.

He nods like he understands that response and glances over his shoulder at the other two before focusing on me. "How long you been here, kid?" he asks, giving my shoulder a little shake.

" _Hours_ ," Alex says from behind him. I lean my head past Chuck to get a look at him. His arms are crossed and though he looks my way when I move, he doesn't meet my gaze before he's back to glaring at Chuck.

Chuck lets out a sigh, dropping his hand from my shoulder and turning around to face Alex. "I didn't know he was in the hospital, alright? I just found out in the past hour. I would have come sooner if I'd known." He pauses, seems to get something from Alex's expression that Anastasia and I don't. "You think I don't care about this? He's a good kid, Alex, I don't like seeing this happen to him."

"Oh, right. That explains why you've never taken him from his home before. You know, refused to remove him from the threat," Alex snaps.

There's a moment of hesitation between them before they both angle their bodies toward each other. Chuck's posture is more relaxed but Alex is clearly pissed off. I can tell from the way he's holding himself and while I don't get it, Anastasia's sigh tells me that on some level, she does.

Chuck searches Alex's face for a moment. "I don't know what you want me to-"

"I want you to grow a pair of fucking balls and do your goddamn job!" Alex's yell bounces off the walls and the silence that follows is deafening. I start to interject, say that I'm okay but neither of them hear me. Anastasia gives me a sympathetic look but I don't understand whatever she means by it.

Alex levels Chuck with a glare when he starts to speak and the officer falls silent. "You're supposed to serve and _protect_ , Dower. Apparently you've forgotten what that means cause this kid-" he jabs a finger toward me, taking a few steps toward Chuck. "Needed you to man up and take him away from this. Because that's your fucking job."

Chuck lets out a pent-up breath, meeting Alex's stare after a few seconds. "What about you? You've known this kid since he was, what? Fourteen? Where the hell have you been all this time? You think you can excuse yourself cause you're not in the position that I am?" Chuck pauses for a second before he adds. "We've _both_ had a chance to stop this and you didn't do it either."

"I've tried!" Alex yells, suddenly slamming his palms against the officer's chest. Anastasia leaves her chair and tries to pull Alex away from Chuck. He ignores her and hits Chuck in the chest again, letting out a shaky breath as he speaks. "I-I've tried… I tried…. So many times. But when people like you don't do your fucking job, there's nothing I can do. I… P-People like him don't get the help they need when people like you don't help."

Chuck stares back at Alex and for a split-second, I think he's about to punch him. I can almost see him drawing back his fist and landing a punch to Alex's jaw. But he steps back with a sigh instead, shaking his head. "You know… that there was nothing I could do. Nothing anyone could."

"Bullshit," Alex says, his voice quiet now. Less angry. His tone carries a weight of hurt I didn't hear before and Anastasia places her hand on his arm. Something in my gut tells me that they're not talking about me anymore but I don't get a chance to figure it out.

Movement in the doorframe catches my eye and I glance toward the familiar black mop of hair that's appeared in the hallway. Danny glances around the room, taking in the scene before he settles on me. He hesitantly quirks one side of his mouth upward and I do my best to return it.

"H-Hey," I say into the silence and the adults turn to look at me. After a second, they look where I am and the tension in the room changes. Danny lets out a small breath and seeming to steel himself, walks across the room to get to me.

Alex exchanges a glance between us before he leaves the room without a word, just slamming the door behind him. Chuck stares at the closed door before letting out a sigh and looking back at me. "Just… call me if you need anything, alright, kid?" He pats my knee, giving me a sad smile, before he leaves too. For a second, I half-expect to hear him and Alex starting up outside again but the only sound is the ticking clock on the wall.

Danny hesitantly sinks down on the bed next to me, giving me and Anastasia a look like he doesn't understand what just happened. _Neither do I, Fenton. Thank god I'm not the only one._

"Hey," he says softly, his gaze slowly drifting over my face. I don't know why it didn't occur to me before but asking Danny to show up means at some point, I'm gonna have to explain what the hell I'm doing in the hospital. But for now, all I can do is appreciate his company and I hope that's enough.

Anastasia lets out a sigh, easily diffusing the awkward silence that's begun to settle over the room since Alex left. "I'm gonna have a cigarette and get some coffee. You two want anything?"

* * *

Danny and I are always up for coffee and even though I joke about ordering decaf considering the hour, we both go for the good stuff. I've been lying on my bedroom floor for the past two days, I don't think drinking caffeine when I probably shouldn't is such a crime.

Anastasia comes back with the coffee quickly but she doesn't stick around. She drops it off with us before she leaves again and I wonder if she's gone after Alex. I don't know why he's so angry over what happened to me but… I'm starting to worry about him. He's never gone off like that on _anyone_. At least… not as long as I've known him.

I've scooted back on the bed, my back resting against the pillows so there's less strain on my ribs. Danny's still sitting on the edge, swinging his legs back and forth like a child. There's a hesitant smile on his face when he looks back at me, tilting his head to one side.

"So, I don't suppose you've called me here to help with your algebra," he says, the smile crinkling his eyes up. His joke makes me snort but the sight of him makes me sigh. He has no idea how easy he makes it to forget all of this shit. And right now, I really want him to make me forget.

"Nah," I respond, leaning my head back against the pillow as I stare up at the ceiling. I feel his gaze on me but I try not to let it bother me. If I were in his position, I'd probably end up staring too. Trying to figure out why the fuck I'm so bruised.

Danny waits a beat before he scoots closer to me, his hand finding mine on the sheet. He doesn't look away when I meet his gaze and he puffs his cheeks out as he exhales. He intertwines our fingers together, his expression pinched. "I don't… like seeing you like this… i-in pain."

Shit, I was right earlier. He didn't want to see me in the hospital at all. I should have thought about him before I asked Anastasia to call him. _Why am I always so selfish?_ I start to apologize but Danny cuts me off.

"No, you're missing my point. It's not that I don't want to be here for you, it's…" Danny drops his gaze from mine, studying our hands as he runs his thumb over the back of mine. "Dash, you're… important to me. A-And I don't like seeing you in pain. I-It… hurts me to see you like this."

I can't deny the way the butterflies in my stomach fucking _love_ that statement and I let out a quiet breath to try and calm them. Danny has no idea what he does to me with just a few words. Hell, _I_ can't believe what he's able to do to me with just a few words.

"Y-Yeah well… if it helps… it's not like I wanted to be in pain," I mumble, feeling my heart crawl up higher in my chest. He gives me a small smile that holds the same touch of sadness his words did and I find it almost easy to smile back at him. He always seems to make it easy. Whether it's a smile or asking him about fucking anxiety, Danny makes it easy on me. I don't think he realizes just how much I need that right now. How much I need _him_ right now.

* * *

I'm given my final x-ray at almost ten and Dr. Edwards confirms that I've cracked a rib. He says it'll take a while to heal and I'm instructed to take it easy. I tell him I will, even though I have no plans to relax in the next few days. I have to be prepared for Friday's game. It's my shot at getting away from Amity Park after graduation… away from dad.

After Alex signs a bunch of paperwork to release me from the hospital, the four of us leave the building together and start for the parking lot. It's silent between us and I want to grab Danny's hand in my own just so I have something to hold on to right now. But that kind of bravery won't be found in a soul like mine. I can't even fight back against my own father – how am I supposed to find the courage to hold Danny's hand?

We stop at Alex's Chargerand Anastasia glances toward Danny with a smile. "Thanks for coming tonight. I'm sure Dash appreciated you entertaining him for a while."

She opens her arms for a hug and Danny accepts it, almost relaxing into the embrace. He gives her a smile when he pulls away before he looks at me, his gaze lingering on my face like he's trying to see the bruises again in the dim parking lot lighting. I almost want to tell him everything he's wondering about this hospital trip but… I can't tell him the truth. I can't drag him into my shit the way I have Kwan.

Danny looks at Anastasia and Alex again, giving them both a bright smile. "Do you think I could talk to Dash for just a second?" he asks, already reaching down to take my hand. When Anastasia gives us a nod, he leads me by the hand a few paces away from them. We're closer to a streetlight now and I can see the concern on his features clearer than I could in the hospital room.

He stares up at me for a few seconds before dropping his gaze to our intertwined hands. He runs his thumb over the back of my hand, letting out a quiet breath that has shivers running down my spine.

"Is… this why you thought that my parents… were abusing me?" Danny asks, looking up at me with a frown. His eyes search my own and I feel a piece of me splinter the longer we stare at each other. He's figured it out. Probably well before this hospital visit but it's staring me in the face now. Danny's a hell of a lot smarter than I give him credit for. I should have seen it before now. He's figured it out. He's aware of all this painful shit and I don't know what to say in response.

I shrug a shoulder but it's not enough. Maybe I can't let anyone else in but it doesn't count if Danny's already figured it out. And of everyone I know, I don't want to keep him in the dark. Even if he hadn't realized it before now, I think I would have told him. Because I'm so tired of bullshitting that I'm fine around the only person I want to hear telling me that it's okay when I'm not.

"Yeah," I mumble, dropping my gaze to our hands. His thumb grazes the back of mine again before he nods, letting out a breath.

He's quiet for a few seconds, running his fingers between my knuckles gently. Like he's afraid of hurting me. "Your dad did this to you?" he asks, his voice soft, his hand tightening in my own as he looks up at me again, his expression hesitant.

I wait a second before I nod, finally letting him in on this painful secret. The one that's kept me prisoner my whole life. Taught me how to act and how to lie. It's been a part of my soul for as long as I can remember. It's no longer a secret with Danny and I think I expected to feel more relieved than I do. I thought that I'd feel a huge weight leave my shoulders but… I'm still just bruised and tired.

Danny holds my gaze when I look at him again and his blue eyes practically shine in the dim lighting of the streetlight. There are so many things I could say in this moment but nothing is coming to me. I'm shit with words and I really don't want to force anything out. Especially with him. I want to say what I think and what I feel and have him accept me exactly like I am. But putting that on Danny isn't fair.

"Please… don't go home tonight," he whispers, dragging in a breath that has me mesmerized. "I don't want… anything else to happen to you. Please, just stay with Alex?"

I never had any plans to fight Alex on staying with him but seeing the pain on Danny's face makes me immediately agree. I'm nodding before I have time to consider what he's said and dropping my gaze so he doesn't have to see the tears pricking at the corners of my eyes.

He squeezes my hand in his own and the action is so small in comparison to everything that I feel in this moment. But for now, it's enough. And something tells me, everything Danny does will always be enough.

* * *

Alex only agrees to stop at my house to get some things for me if dad's car isn't there. Which is fine with me, I don't think I have the strength to see him right now. I just want to sleep for the next few hours and forget the last two days happened.

Thankfully, dad's not home and I practically breathe a sigh of relief at seeing just my car in the driveway. Alex runs inside to grab some of my shit, using the spare key I hid under the old weathered flower pot on the back porch. The only thing I'm concerned about getting is a comfortable pair of pajamas to sleep in. It's getting too cold at night to sleep in boxers and I'd rather not wake up shivering.

It doesn't take Alex long inside my house and he comes back out with a duffel bag, tossing it into the trunk before he gets back into the drivers seat. We're on the way to his apartment, Anastasia riding shotgun and me dozing off against the back window when the elephant in the car is finally brought up.

"You know it isn't Chuck's fault, right?" Anastasia asks as the car pulls to a stop at the red light. She keeps her gaze trained out the window as Alex sighs. I blink against the stoplight bathing everything in the car red. It's dizzying and I close my eyes to it for only a moment.

When I open my eyes again, Alex is leaning his head back against the seat, staring up at the roof of his car. He lets out a shaky breath, not moving the car even when the light turns green. Even though I'm exhausted, I can feel the tension in the air and I'm afraid to breathe and shatter this moment. It feels like something they've both needed for a long time.

Alex waits a few beats before letting out another sigh. "I know."

He eases the car forward again. Neither one of them speak again and I'm guessing it's something I wouldn't understand or that's none of my business. I don't bother asking either of them any questions, too exhausted from the day's events to bother. I just stop thinking and the silence that settles comfortably in the car is easy to drift off into.

Before I know it, the car's stopped and Alex is tugging on me. It takes me all of three seconds to realize that he's attempting to carry me.

"Wha-Ah, I'm awake, I'm awake," I mumble, running a hand down my face. He gives me a once-over before resuming his attempt to pick me up. "Alex, you can't _actually_ carry me up the stairs."

He shrugs but pulls back anyway. "You're not that heavy," he responds and I roll my eyes. I'm on the football team. Of _course_ I'm heavy.

I climb out of the car and even though everything aches, I manage to shoot Alex a grin that he doesn't return. Dr. Edwards gave me some painkillers before I left the hospital and I think they're finally kicking in.

Anastasia takes my duffel bag before I can even attempt to pick it up and then proceeds to race up the stairs, sticking her tongue out at her brother and swiping his key from him as soon as she passes by. He rolls his eyes at first but a smile tugs at his mouth as he scoffs.

"She's such a kid sometimes," he says, glancing at me with that same smile. I don't know why he went off on Chuck back at the hospital but I try not to think about it right now. It doesn't matter. I don't care why Alex was angry with him and I don't care that there's something stressing him out to the point that he's snapping at people. Right now, the only thing that matters is that smile on his face and how easy it is for me to return it. God, I fucking love Alex.

* * *

Alex managed to grab my phone for me and it's vibrating in my duffel bag when I emerge from the shower. I'm towel-drying my hair as I move around, only stopping to brush my teeth cause my mouth tastes awful.

The bedroom door opens as I squeeze toothpaste onto the brush and I glance at my reflection in the mirror to make sure the few tears that I couldn't stop from escaping in the shower didn't make it too obvious on my face. Thankfully, there's no redness which means no one will pick up on it. But shit, dad really did a fucking number on me. The bruising under my eyes looks less like I've been hit and more like I've broken something. I don't remember ever having marks this ugly before. Shit, I'm _lucky_ that I'm just dealing with some bruising and a cracked rib instead of ending up in a fucking body bag.

I avoid looking at the mirror any longer and start brushing my teeth as Alex steps inside his bedroom. He opens one of his dresser drawers and sorts through the clothes inside, finding pajamas for himself, before he comes to lean against the adjoining bathroom door.

"Hey," he says softly, folding his arms over his chest. I can tell he's exhausted based on the way he holds himself but something about his voice holds the same weight from earlier.

I rinse my mouth a final time before I shut off the flow of water, ditching my toothbrush back into the travel case. "Hey," I respond, wiping my mouth on the sleeve of the Casper High hoodie Alex took from my closet.

He moves from the door when I leave the bathroom but he follows after me like I suspected he would. I grab my bag from the end of his bed and sling it onto my shoulder as I leave his bedroom. "Did Anastasia stake claim on the couch again?" I ask, wandering into his living room.

"She went home for the night."

I don't know how I feel now that it's just the two of us here, and he's probably more likely to get me to talk. Considering I was barely holding it together in the shower, the thought of being alone with Alex makes it difficult to swallow.

"I'll get you some more blankets," Alex says, going back down the hall and into his bedroom. I move into the living room and drop my bag on the floor in between the couch and the air mattress he's blown up for me. There are some blankets folded up on the couch and I start spreading them out.

As soon as Alex returns, he stops me from getting anything ready, insisting that I shouldn't be doing anything while I'm in pain. I start to argue but he just wordlessly points at a chair and I sink down into it, letting out a sigh.

For a few minutes, Alex tries to convince me to sleep in his bed and he'll take the air mattress but he gives up after I refuse multiple times. He offers to move the air mattress into his room so I won't be alone but after I give him a look, he returns to unfolding blankets and spreading them out across the mattress. After he's propped two pillows at the top of the mattress, he steps back with a small exhale. Alex glances around the living room, maybe to make sure he hasn't forgotten anything, before he nods at me.

"You probably shouldn't go to school tomorrow," he says and I nod, even though I have no plans to skip it. I already missed Monday, I can't afford to skip too many days in one week or I'll be benched for the game. Though I'm sure Coach will probably think twice about letting me play when he gets a look at my bruises.

I don't budge from the chair, everything slowly sinking in the longer I sit there. Dad… actually threatened me at gun point. And he left bruises and marks on my body so bad I wound up in the _hospital_. It's been forever since he's done that last part and the first part… god, I can't even think about it without feeling the lump in my throat again.

"It's okay," Alex says and his voice is what makes me realize that tears have started running down my face. _Fuck_. I wasn't supposed to cry. This isn't worthy of being sad. Why am I crying over _this?_ It's not that big of a deal, I'm just a little bitch that can't handle it when things are a little too fucking difficult.

Alex places a hand on my shoulder and I try to keep myself together. But his touch is gentle and his words are calming and I end up a mess in his arms. I used to deal with shit on my own before mom left. When she was working or out of the house for various reasons, I dealt with it by myself. But having Alex here is better. Cause I can fall the fuck apart and for a moment, I don't have to worry about when I'll have to pick up the broken pieces.

* * *

I don't let myself be pathetic for too long, somehow managing to pull myself together after only a few minutes in Alex's arms. I use my sleeves to dry my eyes and Alex gives me another careful hug before he tells me to sleep well.

We part for the night and I hear the shower water start as I climb under the blankets. Even though I'm exhausted and I should really be able to fall asleep instantly, my mind is running and I roll over just far enough to reach my phone.

So many text messages fill up my screen just in Kwan's conversation alone and I scroll to the last one I remember getting from him. Something about the flag football game. The one immediately after that is from Sunday morning, where he's talking about how I should get over to his place and take advantage of the fact that his mom made pancakes. Even felt the need to include several obnoxious emoji's at the end.

While the rest of his messages start out pretty calm, it's clear when he started to panic at my lack of responses.

**From: Kwan**

_**We should do something today, I'm bored!** _

_**Unless you're hanging out with Danny 3 3** _

_**How's that going btw?** _

_**Daaaaaash, keep me updated!** _

_**I already have a boyfriend, I don't get to experience this angst anymore!** _

_**Dude, seriously, what are you up to?** _

… _ **Are you cold-shouldering me because I can tease you now?**_

_**dASH TALK TO ME!** _

_**Are you okay?** _

_**Starting to get worried here…** _

_**Dash, please tell me you're okay** _

_**The first bell rang and you're not here?** _

_**Five minutes to lunch, I'm skipping the rest of the day. Hopefully you're okay and just needed some extra sleep or something. I'm probably overreacting but still. Coming by to check on you** _

_**FUCK** _

_**Goddammit, Lancer caught me leaving and now I'm serving after-school detention. I'm so sorry, I'll be there as soon as possible, trying t** _

_**Lancer took my fucking phone. I'm on the way to you now. Please be okay, Dash. I need you to be okay.** _

The most recent message is from over an hour ago and it makes my chest ache, remembering the way he found me and how worried he was when he asked me to go to the hospital.

**From: Kwan**

_**Hey, I hope you're doing okay. I know you sent me home to sleep but I woke up and I'm just… I've been thinking about you and I wish I would have gone with my instincts and checked on you last night. I'm so sorry that I didn't.** _

I exhale out a breath, blinking a few times to make sure the waterworks aren't about to make a third visit. Maybe it'd be a fourth visit at this point, I don't know. I just know that scaring the shit out of my best friend wasn't exactly my plan.

It's a little uncomfortable on my ribs with the position I have to put my arms at to text but I get used to it and I manage to type back a response pretty quickly.

**To: Kwan**

_**It's fine, seriously. I don't expect you to always be checking up on me, Kwan** _

_**Also, can't believe you said fuck twice. That's like a new record of swearing for you lmao** _

I close out of Kwan's conversation and I'm surprised to see that there are texts waiting from Paulina. Danny's conversation is lit up too and though my heart leaps at the sight of his name on my screen, I go for Paulina's first. Save the best for last or whatever.

**From: Paulina**

_**Jeff said you weren't at practice today. I hope you're okay!** _

_**Should I be concerned?** _

_**Trying not to be that ex-girlfriend every guy talks about but… text me when you get this?** _

Shit, I really freaked everyone out. I didn't mean to. I tried reaching my fucking phone so many times during the past two days but it was impossible. It's not like I wanted to spend hours just lying on my floor, waiting for someone to show up.

I type back a short response, hoping it's enough for now.

**To: Paulina**

_**Sorry. I'm okay. It's been a really long day, I'll explain tomorrow** _

I feel guilty for not taking the time to tell her that my "long day" was spent at the hospital following one of the worst beatings dad ever inflicted upon me. Complete with a gun pressed to my head and everything. God, that sounds too melodramatic over a text message so I push my guilt aside and exit out of her conversation. Considering I have texts from Danny waiting on me, it's not that hard to do.

A bunch of texts from him fill my screen and the only reason I'm not immediately smiling is because it hurts too much.

**From: Danny**

_**My sister loves you?** _

_**She said she wants you to come over for Thanksgiving** _

_**Hellooooooo Dash! You're such a GREAT friend, you know? I owe you for always dragging me out of the house and keeping my sister from worrying! :) :) :)** _

_**Gah! Ignore that. Sis borrowed my phone to check her email and appARENTLY TO WRITE THAT?** _

_**Siblings, amiright?** _

_**Okay, everyone's gone their separate ways for the night. I hope it's not too late for me to help you with your algebra?** _

_**You wanna do this over Skype?** _

_**I'm guessing you went to bed. I hope you're sleeping well!** _

I'm just starting to scroll through Sunday's texts when Alex's bedroom door opens. I click my screen off and drop my phone onto my chest as Alex passes by the living room. He glances at me and gives a smile, pausing on his way to the kitchen.

He leans his arms on the back of the couch, his expression softening as he takes in my bruises again. "You want me to get you anything?" he asks and I shake my head. He starts away from me before courage floods my veins for a moment and I call his name.

Alex turns back to me, raising an eyebrow and I feel the threat of tears pricking the corners of my eyes again. I take a couple of deep breaths and swallow hard before I manage to speak, my words coming out broken and it's a pathetic excuse for an apology.

"I'm sorry… for what I said about Kendra."

His expression shifts, becomes a little more guarded before he slowly nods. We're quiet for a few seconds and I have to look away from him. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I can't cry again. _I'm sorry Alex. I'm so fucking sorry._

"It's… okay," he says softly, shrugging when I manage to steal a glance at him. He shakes his head, absent-mindedly scratching at the underside of his chin. "I was never angry with you… cause you were right. I just…."

He lets out a breath, shrugging again before that cloud over his expression lifts a little. "You sure you don't want anything?" he asks, nodding when I say no again.

Alex tells me goodnight before disappearing into the kitchen. I listen to him fill up a glass of water before he leaves the kitchen and goes back to his room. I wait a few extra seconds before I open Danny's texts again, reading over them like it's the fucking gospel or something.

**From: Danny**

_**My sister leaves for her train at 7. Do you think we could meet up somewhere after?** _

_**We'll do your homework if you want to, I'm just… probably gonna be majorly bummed out after she's gone, y'know?** _

_**Unless you're busy today** _

_**That's cool, I can help you tomorrow during our spare if you want?** _

_**Hey, I just asked Kwan if he knew why you're not here and he seems kind of freaked?** _

_**Not gonna lie, kinda getting concerned** _

_**I hope you're okay, Dash** _

_**Text me if you need anything** _

_**I'm really sorry about everything. I wish I could help you.** _

Unlike Kwan's, Danny's text is more recent. Sent almost twenty minutes ago and my heart jumps at the possibility of talking to him. If he's still awake, maybe I won't spend the next few hours alone cause I'm in too much pain to sleep.

**To: Danny**

_**You don't have to be sorry** _

_**Thanks for showing up tonight, though** _

_**Kept me from getting too bored lol** _

It sounds too casual but I'm hoping that it'll still work. I probably shouldn't blow this shit off as much as I do but it's not like I wanted Danny to know. Though… he probably would have found out sooner or later. It's obvious that I'm fucked-up. Anyone that hangs around me long enough gets that.

My phone vibrates again almost as soon as I set it down against my chest and I hate the way my heart jumps into my throat before I realize that Kwan's the one that responded, not Danny.

**From: Kwan**

_**Shut up, it was a text message. Doesn't count.** _

**To: Kwan**

_**Oh, it totally counts :P** _

Considering how exhausted I am, I'm guessing that Kwan can forgive me for using an emoji to get my point across. It's not like I use them all the time and besides. Everyone knows that the one with the tongue sticking out is the best one anyway.

I wait for my phone to make another sound for maybe ten minutes before I'm drifting off, my mind taking me to places beyond today. To a place where nothing hurts and I'm playing football. A place where everyone in the crowd is cheering for me and I pick Danny's face out of the mix. He's saying something to me, maybe just mouthing words of encouragement, but everything disappears along with him. I'm just in the blackness now, completely forgetting that I was ever in pain.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm guessing you all hate me but in case I still have readers, hi there! Here's your badge for getting through this angsty chapter (also it was over 16k say whaaaaat)
> 
> Yoooo! I decided to do a Saturday upload this time around because this coming week is already shaping up to be super busy so I decided to take my free time on the weekend to upload this chapter… so what'dya think? Who do you hate more – Howard or me?
> 
> I hope my warning(s) at the beginning of this chapter were sufficient enough for all of you. When it comes to the heavier portion of this story, I want all of you to be aware of what you're walking into for certain chapters. I like surprising you guys with cliff-hangers and angst as much as every other writer of this type of fic but there are certain things that I feel very strongly about. And warning about abuse or troubling topics is one of those things. If there's ever something in this story that I may have missed in any of my previous warnings, please feel free to let me know and I'll do my best to include it the next time it comes up
> 
> Anyway, moving on. Obviously the angst couldn't end last chapter – I had to keep it going. Howard threatening him is just the beginning of all of this shit and I can't wait for all of you to see where it goes from here *distant evil cackling*
> 
> At least Kwan took him to the hospital though…? And Alex made him stay at his place instead of going home alone to angst?
> 
> Speaking of Alex – I'd love to know your thoughts about his portion of this chapter. I'm incredibly curious to hear what you think he hasn't told Dash yet along with his past about Kendra. Do you think the two things are related or not at all? What do you think of how protective Alex got about Dash and how he was acting because Chuck hasn't done anything to help Dash? Like I said, I'd love to know what you're thinking!
> 
> Danny showing up at the hospital without a second though, huuuh? Even though it was already pretty late at night, the space nerd took the time out to come see Daaaash ;p
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from Hey Dad by Good Charlotte. If you search for this song, most of what's gonna come up is their song, Emotionless but that's not the song I'm talking about. Hey Dad is an unofficially released demo tape from one of the band's first recording sessions. The song Emotionless is very Dash as well but for this chapter specifically, I really feel that gritty, unpolished take that Hey Dad is. It just clicked with me while I was editing this chapter and I hope that those of you who like the music suggestions I make really feel the same way about this song. (Also another contender for this chapter is definitely Can You Feel My Heart by Bring Me The Horizon, so good. So Dash.)
> 
> Anyway, I'll keep this A/N short and let you get back to your weekend or whatever you're doing. I really hope you guys enjoyed this update and thanks for reading! Let me know what you think of it in the reviews/comments - I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions about anything in this chapter! I'll see you guys next update!


	51. Would You Lie With Me?

My alarm practically screaming is the first thing I register and it jerks me from a heavy sleep. I blindly fling an arm out to grab my phone from the floor and I manage to silence the alarm before the pain registers in my mind and almost cripples me.

A short gasp leaves me and I press my fist against my lips, attempting to muffle whatever sound might escape from between my clenched teeth. The pain is almost blinding and I carefully roll over onto my side fully and stretch my arms to see how much I can take.

I let out a groan, the pain rippling through me with every breath, but I manage to sit up, forcing myself to stay upright. I have to get my body used to moving now if I'm gonna make it to school on time.  _Fuck, this hurts._

Another pained groan leaves me as I lift my shirt up, looking down at the bruising that I can see from the position I'm in. Just going by what I can see painted across my abdomen and ribcage… the bruising is fucking  _awful_. God, it's probably obvious as fuck what happened to me but it's not like I can do anything about it.

Even though everyone that knows about my trip to the hospital would probably tell me that I shouldn't go in to school, I can't skip another day. There's a game this Friday and if I miss too many days of school, Coach will bench me. There's no way I'm missing that game. There's a  _real_  chance with the university of DALV and their coach. If he shows up to watch me play, and actually  _likes_  me, there's a chance that all of this could actually work out better than I've been hoping for. I could get the chance of going to a college on a scholarship just cause I can throw a ball pretty damn well.

After I manage to master sitting up without the pain crippling me, I open the texts on my phone and navigate to Kwan's conversation. He might just ignore me but it's worth more of a shot than asking Alex.

**To: Kwan**

_**Can you give me a ride to school?** _

Once the text sends, I force myself up from the mattress and take a few tentative steps despite the pain and soreness that worsens with my every movement. Twice I have to catch my breath when my rib strains painfully. But I still get dressed in the clothes that Alex grabbed from my closet last night and fold the blankets I slept under.

**From: Kwan**

_**Are you sure? Shouldn't you be resting or something?** _

A soft groan leaves me and I rub the back of my neck, reading over his text twice before I start to type back. I don't want Kwan to know that I'm dragging myself to school today just so I can play in Friday's game – he'll tell Coach or Alex immediately and I won't have a snowball's chance in hell of making that game. Even if I told them about the scout, they still wouldn't let me play. And… I'm not ready to tell anyone that a scout was interested in  _me_ of all people. I don't want to lie to Kwan but… I don't exactly have another option.

**To: Kwan**

_**I wanna come. I'll lose my mind if I have to stay with Alex all day. Just please come get me** _

I don't know if wanting to go to school and not wanting to miss my chance at literally changing my life can be counted as the same thing but it works for now. I'll tell Kwan about this university soon but… not yet. I need to hear their coach's decision and let it sink in for me before I tell anyone else.

Alex is in the shower when Kwan shows up outside his apartment and I feel guilty for not sticking around long enough to tell him thanks for letting me crash there. And for showing up at the hospital. For not thinking I'm a total fuck-up. Basically, for everything.

I settle for sending him a text message that half-assedly sums up what I'm feeling before I zip my duffel bag closed and sling it onto my shoulder. My thanks to Alex probably loses something over text but all I can do is send another message. So I tell him that Kwan picked me up for school so he won't wonder where I am before I leave the apartment. For it still being October, it's awfully fucking cold outside. I'm actually shivering when I climb into Kwan's car, despite the heat blaring from the vents.

Kwan starts to say something, make some kind of joke, but he stops when he sees my face. I guess he forgot how awful it looked last night. Then again… maybe it looks worse today. I didn't even bother checking over my reflection when I got up so it probably looks a hell of a lot worse than it feels.

"Are you okay?" Kwan asks, turning up the heat when I slam the door closed.

I nod, buckling my seatbelt before I drop my duffel bag on the floor. Even that movement is painful on my rib and I draw in a careful breath before I respond. "Yeah. I need my backpack from my place though. Can we swing by there?"

Kwan gives me a look before he lets out a sigh. "I guess. Unless his car's in the driveway. If it is, you can just borrow my notes for a couple classes, okay?"

I shrug in response, turning my stare out the window. As badly as my body hurts, I'm almost able to push it completely from my mind as Kwan drives, the only noise between us being his tires against the road.

* * *

Dad's not home but Kwan still insists on following me inside and up the stairs to my room. I don't know why, it's not like dad's gonna be waiting for me. He likes to get me when I least expect it. Which is definitely how it went down this time. I was just texting Danny, bitching about my algebra homework, when he came into my room. Chained me to my bedpost… pressed a gun to my forehead… threatened to-

I sharply inhale just as we reach the top of the stairs and it doesn't go unnoticed. Kwan gives me a look when I glance over my shoulder and I guess he's thinking that I'm in more pain than I'm letting on. Which… isn't exactly a wrong guess.

My room is exactly the way it was left yesterday, broken bottle and snapped handcuffs still lying on my floor, and my shit strewn everywhere. I don't remember hauling all of my textbooks out of my backpack the day that dad came upstairs but I can barely remember anything before that cold metal sent a shock through my body.

Kwan helps me gather up my textbooks and I'm almost finished cramming all the shit back into my backpack when he makes a noise behind me. I struggle with the zippers for another few seconds before I glance over my shoulder at him. He's holding a piece of paper in his hands and I think I realize what it is even before the question forms in my mind.

Wordlessly, Kwan turns to look at me, holding up mom's letter in one hand. His expression is mostly shocked but I can tell he's angry, too. I know my best friend probably better than I know myself and I kinda figured the letter would piss him off. Which is why I never wanted to show it to him.

"Y-Yeah, that's… um… yeah," I mumble, not really sure what to say. I close my hand around the strap on my backpack. Kwan stares back at me and I can only shrug in response. The tension in my gut is back and I let out a heavy sigh, slinging my backpack onto my shoulder.

I cross over to Kwan and hold my hand out for the letter, trying to hide the wince that movement causes. Kwan waits a beat, studying me, before he hands over the letter and something in his expression seems like letting it go was the last thing he wanted to do.

"When did you get that?" Kwan asks, his eyebrows drawing down when I shrug again.

I turn for the door, the stupid letter still clutched in my hand, and I take a few steps away from Kwan. "Come on, we're gonna be late for class. And you know Ms. Anderson will love getting to yell at me for being late again."

"Dash," Kwan prompts softly and I sigh.

I don't want to have this damn conversation again but I turn back to him anyway, my voice strained when I speak. "I don't know, alright? I didn't really pay attention. A while ago," I respond, cramming the envelope into one of the front pockets on my backpack before I look back at Kwan. "Can we go, please?"

Kwan continues to stare at me in silence even after I head for my door again but I ignore him. Dad already showed me what he thought of the letter, I don't need my best friend to tell me what he thinks, too. Even though her letter really pissed me off at first, it actually… wasn't that bad. Once I saw her in person and she explained everything, I couldn't hate her anymore. She had to leave without me or risk losing the chance of saving us both. She left our home but she didn't leave  _me._  If she didn't want to get me out too, she never would have written me that letter or met up with me. She wouldn't risk her disappearance for just anyone… but she risked it for me.

I wait until Kwan follows me down the stairs before I step outside, waiting on the porch until he's there. He steps out of the way as I lock the door behind us and I follow him down to his truck. I want to tell him everything about the letter, have him read it and then tell him everything that mom said to me in person. I want him to know that there's hope of getting out of this shit either with mom or with that coach from DALV. But the familiar tension in my gut is back and I can feel my fingers beginning to tremble when I pull his car door shut behind me. I can't tell Kwan anything because if I try to, I'll panic and I'm not falling apart again like I did last night. Once was more than enough.

* * *

Even though we're a little early to school, there are a bunch of people in the parking lot. Maybe I'm more aware of it because I'm on edge from Kwan finding mom's letter but I don't remember ever seeing this many people hanging outside before classes.

Kwan and I leave his truck and I grip the handle of my backpack tighter with every step, hoping to keep my shaking from being too obvious to anyone.  _Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Don't fucking freak out. Don't-_

A bunch of people are gathered around a car I vaguely recognize but it's not until I'm a little closer that I can see it's Danny's. He's sitting on the hood of his car, leaning back on his hands as he laughs at something Jeff is saying. My teammate is gesturing wildly as he talks and the grin stretched across Danny's face distracts me from noticing anyone else. But Paulina's standing next to Danny's car too and she even manages to get his attention. He looks at her with the same grin he was giving Jeff and easily nods to what she's saying, laughing then too.

His gaze shifts from Paulina and he makes the sweep of the parking lot look natural before he notices me. The smile slips from his face momentarily but he easily replaces it, nodding again to Paulina before he slides off his car. He starts away from them but turns when Jeff calls his name.

One by one my teammates notice me and Danny hesitates only a second or two before he starts toward me again. His smile has completely disappeared now as he jogs over to me and Kwan. Danny frowns when he reaches me and I stop where I am, standing between Kwan's truck and somebody's Jeep. Kwan hesitates a second before he stops too, glancing at me with a worried expression.

"H-Hey," Danny says softly, sparing a glance at Kwan before he's focused on me. He moves his hand toward me, like he wants to touch my hand or maybe my face but he pulls back, awkwardly curling his hand around one of his backpack straps instead. "How… how are you feeling?"

I shrug, not really sure what to tell him. I feel like shit. I've dragged myself to school today cause I just want to play in the damn game on Friday. My body hurts and my rib is  _killing_ me but I'm trying not to focus on it. I'm trying to just be normal and play it off like I got into a fight. But Danny knows the truth now so lying is pointless.

"Yo, Baxter!" Jeff calls out, his hands cupped around his mouth when I glance up at him. He gives a wave and I want to go over to my teammates. I want to pretend that this is from a fight over Paulina again but I can't. God, I've spent more of my life lying than I have telling the truth. I don't want to lie anymore.

Danny spares a glance back at the group and my chest aches when I think about him sitting on his car, talking to them so casually. He fit with them and made it look easy. Like he always belonged with them and at this point, I think he does. Most of my friends have just accepted that he's important to me now and god, he just makes  _sense_ hanging around us.

I can see Valerie standing with the rest of my friends, talking to Star. With a wide grin, Val scans the parking lot, maybe looking for where she parked her car, but her gaze lands on me instead. For a few seconds, we just stare at each other as she takes in the bruises. The momentary shock in her expression fades quickly and she looks away from me. She says something to Star that I can't hear before she turns for the school building. It shouldn't hurt as much as it does but goddammit, would it kill her to come over to me? She knows what I'm dealing with, not my teammates. So why are they the ones waving to me and calling me over and she's the one ignoring me?

Danny meets my stare when I look back at him and he offers up a small smile that I can't return. He looked so fucking normal around them and I'm anything but. I'm fucked up and everything hurts and I'm scared and-

"Dash? Hey, it's okay," Danny says, gently taking my elbow in his hand. I can't look at him, afraid the panic will climb higher in my chest if I do. It's hard to breathe as my teammates stare at me and I can't take it. I pull my arm from Danny and turn my back to everyone, trying to just get a fucking grip already. They've seen me bruised like this before. They've seen me  _worse_  than this before. I shouldn't be panicking over my fucking friends.

I stagger forward a step, placing my hand on the back of Kwan's truck, trying desperately to drag in the oxygen that my lungs just won't hang onto anymore. My stomach convulses and I'm dangerously close to spewing whatever's in my stomach onto the pavement in front of me.

"Do you want me to take you back to Alex's?" Kwan asks. He takes a step closer to me, placing a hand on my shoulder in the silence. I shake my head, trying to just steady my breathing when Danny's suddenly in front of me again.

He gives me a look before he takes my hand and tugs on it. I only resist for a second before I'm following him, away from my teammates and Kwan trails after us. Danny's grip on my hand tightens and I let out a shaky breath in the silence.

"It's okay," he says softly and I close my eyes to the sound of his voice, hoping it might steady me. Even out my breathing. Wash the fear from my bones… but Danny's not a miracle worker. He's just a boy and I'm way too fucked up for him to fix.

He squeezes my hand, pulling me forward a few more paces, his breath shaky as he inhales. "Dash, you don't have to stick around today… you know that, right? I… know you're struggling. It's okay though. It's gonna be okay, I promise you."

Danny lets out a breath when I don't respond and I can't tell if it's because of me. If he's getting tired of me. Or tired of my shit at least. I can't even blame him if he is.  _I'm_  tired of my fucking shit. It's the same thing every damn time. If I were him, I'd have given up on me a long time ago. But Danny's not me and he's a lot less willing to ditch the world's biggest fuck-up.

"Come on, we're skipping today," he says, suddenly pulling me toward his car and ignoring my attempts at resisting. I don't want to get that close to my teammates, have them see the damage dad inflicted on me again. But Danny's insistent and I'm standing in front of my friends within a few seconds.

Kwan does his best to distract our teammates and friends but their focus is on me. Jeff makes some joke about the state of my face but Star asks if I'm okay. And the look on Paulina's face when I glance at her almost kills me.  _Fuck._ I can't look her way again. I can't look at  _anyone._ Cause the truth will come spilling from me and I'm not ready to talk about it again. It hurts too fucking much.

Danny opens the driver's door for me and ushers me inside, softly instructing me to crawl across the seat to get to the passenger side. I almost argue that I'm capable of opening a damn door on my own… but Dale and Jeff are talking to me, still trying to ask me what the fuck happened to my face and I just want to ignore everyone. So I crawl across the seats in Danny's car and click my seatbelt into place, hoping that wherever he takes me is a hell of a lot better than here.

* * *

Danny keeps the radio playing softly and I drift off once or twice against the passenger window, only waking up when the car stops. I rub at my eyes before realizing that we're parked in front of Danny's house. He grabs my backpack with his and wordlessly nods toward his house.

We climb the few stairs to his front door and Danny unlocks it, letting me in first before he follows, pulling the door shut behind him. He kicks his shoes off near the door so I follow suit. I almost ask him what the hell we're doing when he takes my hand in his and all conscious thought leaves my mind.

He leads me up the stairs and turns into his bedroom, the door slightly ajar. I picture him leaving the house in the morning, backpack on shoulder, and wonder if he's the kind of person that eats breakfast in the morning or if he's just a coffee person like me. I don't need food in me that early, just something really caffeinated. I wonder if Danny's the same.

Danny drops our backpacks on his floor and points to his bed. "Sit." He gives me a look when I don't make a move toward his bed, his hands sliding onto his hips as he stares at me.

I want to argue, or at least ask what the fuck he's doing but my left side is aching like crazy. I thought that maybe the doctor made a mistake and that my rib isn't actually cracked but… with every breath being more painful than the last… it's obvious that it's true.

A quiet wince leaves me as I sink down onto Danny's bed and he gives me a look before he sits down in his desk chair, waking up his laptop with a few clicks of his mouse. He taps his fingers against the keyboard a few times before spinning around in his chair to face me.

"I'm gonna give it to you straight, Dash. You look like shit and you could probably use some rest. So, just go to sleep for a while and I'll wake you in a couple of hours for lunch." Danny waits a second or two to see if I'm gonna argue before he gets up from his chair.

He disappears into the hallway and I almost follow him out to argue with him about sleeping but I'm too exhausted. It's not just my rib anymore, my whole body aches. And goddammit, he's right. I could probably use the rest.

Danny returns a few seconds later, several blankets thrown over his arm and a pillow in one hand. "They're clean, they were just in the guest bedroom." He tosses the pillow onto his mattress and leans over me, grabbing his own pillow and depositing it at the end of his bed. He waits until I lay down before he spreads the blankets out over me, giving me a soft smile when he steps back.

I mumble my thanks and he nods before he goes to his computer again. After sparing me another glance, he turns back to his screen. I try to let myself drift off, just get the sleep I know I could use, but my mind is too busy watching Danny and noticing everything he does. Like the way he bites his lip when he's reading. Or how his fingers hesitate on the keys between words, like he's not sure of what he's typing. The way his eyebrows draw down as he concentrates on whatever's on his screen.

Danny turns toward me again and I feel the heat flood my face as I wonder if he caught me staring. He tilts his head to one side, a smile tugging at his lips as he rises from his chair. He crosses over to me and sinks down on his bed.

"You're supposed to be sleeping," he teases, his voice light on the words. He hesitates a second before reaching up to brush my hair back from my forehead, momentarily causing all coherent thoughts to leave my brain. "Do I need to leave the room so you actually sleep?"

He's still teasing me but I shake my head, already knowing that I don't want him leaving me alone. I don't want to be with just my thoughts right now and maybe that's why I can't stop myself when he starts to rise from his bed.

Danny glances down at my hand closed around his wrist and I let out a soft breath, feeling heat rush through my body. I don't want to fuck up or push him away but… I can't stop myself.

"D-Do… do you think you could… stay with me?" I ask, my voice almost dying out but I force myself to continue. He gives me a funny look, like he was never actually planning to leave the room and I know he's not understanding my question. "Like here? O-On the bed?"

Realization dawns on his face and he slowly nods. I shift back on the bed and he stands up, getting his pillow from the end of the bed, sliding it up next to the one he gave me. He sinks back down on the bed, his back to me as he pulls his phone from his pocket. I'm sorting out the blankets, trying to spread them out evenly on his side of the bed too, when the sound of his belt-buckle coming undone causes me to freeze.

Danny turns to look at me over his shoulder when a gasp leaves me. I can't meet his gaze even when he tries desperately to catch mine. I won't look at him as I keep fiddling with the blankets and he slides his belt from his jeans, letting it fall onto his floor before he stretches out on the bed.

He shifts a few times, adjusting his pillow, before he relaxes into his bed with a soft sigh. He's not as warm as I thought he'd be and I stretch the blankets over him too. He mumbles out a thank you and draws the blankets up higher on his chest.

The only sound I can hear is his breathing and it's almost like a lullaby. Softly pulling me toward sleep and I let myself scoot a little closer to him, despite the way it makes my heart ache. We're not touching the way I want to be but having him next to me is enough for now. Until I can bury my face in his chest and memorize the way he tastes, it'll never truly be enough.

* * *

I don't know what time it is when I wake up, only that the sun drifting lazily through Danny's windows isn't blinding like the morning sun usually is. It must be sometime in the afternoon, given the way I'm able to stare out the window without hating everything.

Danny's turned over in his sleep and I can watch his every expression as he sleeps. I just stare at him for a while, listening to his breathing and watching his chest rise and fall in the silence. I don't think he'll ever have a clue what he's able to do to me and I can't help the smile pulling at my expression despite the pain I'm still in.

Eventually, he starts stirring next to me and after a few seconds, he blinks open an eye. He gives me a sleepy grin and it might be the cutest smile I've ever seen. I bite my tongue to keep from mentioning it and instead, offer him a smile of my own.

"Hey," he mumbles, rubbing at his eyes with his fist. A small yawn escapes him and he muffles it with the back of his hand. It still sounds like a kitten yawning, which is making the whole not saying anything more difficult than it should be.

He shifts onto his back, staring up at the ceiling with a soft exhale. "You feeling any better?"

The trembling in my fingers along with the tension in my gut is gone now that I'm away from Casper High. I don't think I'll ever know why seeing my friends crowded around Danny made the panic course through my veins like my own blood but I don't feel any of it now.

"Yeah… I feel better," I mumble.

Danny hums a noise of approval and stretches his arms over his head, letting out a soft sigh. "It's been forever since I've slept like this. I actually feel like I got some rest." He snorts, glancing at me. "Insomnia's a bitch, huh?"

I grin back, ignoring the way his expression makes my chest feel. "Yeah, it is." I wait a few seconds before I roll onto my back too and though the pain runs through me, it isn't as bad as when I woke up in Alex's place. It still causes a noise to leave me and Danny glances toward me at the sound.

His eyes take in the bruises again and he lets out a breath. He seems to war with himself for a few minutes as we stare at each other and I wonder what's crowding up his head. What he thinks about when he sees the marks dad left on me now that he knows the truth.

Danny opens his mouth but closes it just as quickly, shaking his head as he looks away from me. The silence falls between us again but it's a comfortable one. I don't feel the need to say anything and I don't think he does either. I close my eyes even though I'm miles away from sleeping and I just lie next to Danny, forgetting that a world outside of the two of us even exists. I'm sure after a while, I'd start missing my friends and normalcy but for now, I'm happy just being next to Danny.

* * *

I stay with Alex another night but in the morning, I somehow convince him to give me a ride to my car. Though he seems hesitant to let me drive at first, he lets me go and I'm on my way to school just after seven.

The parking lot is almost the same scene as yesterday, the only difference is that Danny's not on the hood of his car, leaning against the side of it instead as he talks with my teammates. He's got on a light blue hoodie that matches his eyes. Not that I notice it or some shit like that.

I park my car in a space not too far from Danny's and I know he's realized it's me. He's still talking with my teammates but he's not smiling like he was yesterday. He's nodding along to Keith and though my teammate is grinning and looks excited, Danny's a little more subdued. A  _lot_ more actually. He steals a subtle glance toward me when I get out of my car but otherwise, no one notices me.

The fact that everyone is distracted when I first get out gives me the chance to throw my letterman jacket on and casually stroll up. The panic and fear that ran through me yesterday doesn't exist today and I'm able to give my friends a smile when they look my way.

"Baxter, you showed up!" Jeff says, breaking loose from the crowd. He goes to clap me on the back before he gets a better look at my face and decides against it. He settles on a soft punch to my shoulder, his eyebrows drawing down as he assesses the damage. "Fuck man, that looks like that hurts."

I shrug, hitching my backpack higher on my shoulder as I approach my friends. Danny immediately pushes away from his car, looking like he's ready to leave again if I ask him to. But once was enough for me, there's no need to be dramatic again. I've already missed two days, I really can't afford a third since I'm gonna play in the game this Friday.

"Hey," Danny says softly and a few of my friends turn at the noise. Star's expression is a little confused when Paulina gives me a sympathetic look but doesn't question the bruises. She already knows what they're from but Star doesn't.

Keith gives me a once over, his eyebrows drawing downward before I finally look away, clearing my throat to disturb some of the quiet that's settled over the group.

"So, what are we talking about? Someone throwing another party this weekend?" I ask, forcing a grin onto my face. Danny doesn't relax the way I thought he would and my teammates glance between each other uncomfortably.

Paulina takes a split second before she grins, putting her hand on her hip as she talks. "Well, that depends. If you and the boys can bring the team to victory this week, there  _might_  be a party in it for you. But only if you win." She winks at me but the way her gaze lingers makes me think she's not just doing this to talk about the game. She's taking the focus off of me and I can't help the relieved sigh that leaves me.

"Oh, like we could lose," I respond, rolling my eyes for dramatic effect as I jab my elbow into Jeff's side. He laughs and easily joins the conversation, bragging about his talents on the field. Paulina keeps everyone talking and the attention is quickly pulled from me. The only one still watching me carefully is Danny. His eyebrows draw down whenever I grin and he unconsciously winces every time one of my teammates jostles me. I guess he's wondering if my body looks as bad as my face does. Which considering I've cracked a rib, that's a solid yes.

* * *

My teammates and I split up when it gets closer to the first bell but Paulina and Danny stray away from the group. They glance at each other momentarily before they both approach me at my locker. Danny casually leans against the locker next to mine and Paulina stands beside him, frowning as she takes in the bruises again.

I dig my books out of my locker and Danny watches me from under his fringe. Paulina fidgets next to him and I let out a breath as I sling my backpack onto my shoulder.

"I'm fine, you guys. Seriously," I say, swinging my locker door shut. They both give me an 'uh-huh' look and I roll my eyes. Paulina shifts her weight, glancing at Danny nervously before she speaks.

"Dash… I-If you… need to talk, I'm here," she says, choosing her words carefully. She tosses a glance Danny's way and I try to figure out the meaning behind that look but it's lost on me.

Danny barely looks at her before he nods to her sentiment. "Same… here. You have my number if you want to talk… or you know, algebra homework or… whatever." He shrugs and they glance toward each other again before quickly looking away. It takes a second of silence for me to understand why the fuck they're acting so weird.

I lean against my locker door letting out a sigh as I look between them. "Relax, both of you." I try to make it as casual as possible so I shrug a shoulder. "Don't worry, alright? I've been staying at Alex's and dad's car hasn't even been in the driveway the last two times I've been home to get shit, alright? I'm fine."

Paulina's eyes widen a little before she lets out a breath, slowly glancing toward Danny. She gives him a once-over like she's trying to figure out what to say in the silence. "So… you know then?"

Danny looks at me before he meets her gaze, nodding slowly. "Yeah. I didn't know if you did cause Dash didn't mention it. So, I thought better safe than sorry." He glances toward me again before shrugging. "I didn't want to say something that he wouldn't want everyone to know."

They both visibly relax around each other after a few awkward seconds of silence and Paulina hesitates a moment before looking at me with a gentle smile.

"So, you let someone in, huh?" she asks, folding her arms over her chest as she steps closer to me. Her eyebrows draw down after a second and she hesitantly glances toward Danny. He seems to get the hint and tells me he'll see me at lunch. He disappears down the hall and I watch him go, kinda wishing it was Paulina leaving instead.

She lets out a breath and I look back at her again. "Dash, I'm… really sorry about everything. I should… never have let you think that I didn't care about all this shit with your dad," she says, practically in a whisper. I give her a shrug in response but her eyebrows draw down and I guess that's not what she wanted me to do.

"When I came to see you at the garage… when I broke up with you, I…" She shakes her head, looking away from me for a second before she's back to staring at me, making a pained noise as she holds my gaze. "I should never have called you selfish. Dash, you are… the  _farthest_  thing from selfish. I'm just… I'm so sorry I hurt you."

Paulina intertwines her fingers with mine and lifts them up to her mouth, placing a kiss to the back of my hand. She drops her gaze from mine, shaking her head again, and I'm not really sure what to make of her apology. I don't think we've ever apologized to each other in the past - we've always just used sex as a way to make peace.

"I… uhh…"

She glances back up at me when I falter over broken words, giving me another gentle smile. "It's okay. I don't expect you to have anything to say. I'm not apologizing to hear you tell me it's okay. I'm apologizing to you because… you never deserved that. And I don't want to be that kind of person anymore. Especially not to you."

I don't want to make an asshole of myself but I can't wrap my head around why she's apologizing to me now. It feels like it's been forever since anyone has ever uttered an apology to me the way that she has and I don't know what to say.

"I-I…" I mumble, staring down at our hands as I try to make sense of everything that's running through my head. I don't know what to say. Am I supposed to say that it's okay? That I forgive her? Cause it is… I do. But… how the fuck do words work?

Paulina smiles, shaking her head as she lets go of my hand. "You don't have to say anything, Dash. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry." She puts a hand on my shoulder and her expression softens. "I'm… really glad you told Danny. It's good for you to let people in."

I don't have anything to say in response to that either so I settle for a nod, staring down at the floor. She gently squeezes my shoulder and after telling me she'll see me at lunch, she disappears down the hall. I'm left staring after her and wondering if we'd apologized or been honest to each other during our relationship, would I still have fallen for Danny?

* * *

Jeff and I are the first two to show up at the cafeteria but we both hang back, me waiting on Danny and him waiting on Star. The latter doesn't keep us in suspense for long but the former is one of the last to show up.

"Hey," Danny says as he strolls to a stop in front of me. He gives me a look like I didn't have to wait for him and I shrug, gesturing him inside. "Um… wait a sec?"

I turn back toward him and raise an eyebrow. He fidgets for a second before letting out a breath and taking my wrist in his hand. He tugs me away from the cafeteria doors, only stopping when we're about a row of lockers down.

"I was just… worried about you. Wanted to make sure you're okay," he mumbles, unknowingly making my chest ache. He tentatively holds my gaze, his voice soft as he speaks. "I didn't realize that you'd told Paulina. She uh… it's a good thing that she knows?"

I nod, watching his expression shift before he shrugs. "Yeah, she's cool. She was… she was actually just telling me that it's a good thing that I told you."

Danny raises an eyebrow and lets out a quiet 'huh' before he looks away from me for a few seconds, watching a group of girls pass us by. He shrugs, letting out a small breath. "She's right though. I'm... really glad you let me in."

He finally looks back at me, a small smile on his face. "We should probably eat before your friends think that we're ditching again."

I follow him into the lunch room and my friends start acting obnoxious as soon as I'm in sight and I flip off a couple of my teammates when they start pulling faces at me like they're fucking five. Jeff is whooping and hollering loudly as Danny and I get in line and it's only when the lunch monitor shoots him a dirty look that he shuts up. Paulina and Star hide their laughter behind their hands until the monitor's out of sight and Danny gives a snort next to me.

"Are your friends always this immature?" he asks, the smile on his face more genuine than I've seen in a while. I wonder what he really thinks of my friends. The past two days, I've seen them hanging around him without me even there and it's obvious that they've accepted him. I just hope that he's accepted them too.

I shrug, giving him a grin in response. "What else would they be?"

* * *

Danny and I join the others at the table and talk revolves mostly around the game on Friday. Kwan shoots me a nervous glance or two throughout the conversation but he's mostly glued to his phone, frowning down at whatever's on the screen.

"We're gonna make it a good one, baby!" Jeff whoops, leaning over to kiss Star on the cheek, who simply rolls her eyes at his obnoxiousness.

Paulina makes some joke about partying whether we win or lose before she looks at Danny with a smile. "You're gonna come, right? We need somebody in the crowd to help us cheer the boys on."

Danny blinks, awkwardly stammering out yes as his cheeks adopt a light dusting of pink before the conversation changes again. Keith starts talking to Danny about something and though Kwan looks like he wants to interject with his thoughts, his phone starts vibrating against the table. He glances at the device before turning the volume off and responding to Keith, giving both my teammate and Danny a smile as he talks.

"Yo," someone says as they join our table. I don't even have to look up from my phone to know it's Blake. He drums his hands against the table, giving Paulina a wink when she looks his way.

"Where you been Weston? You've barely showed your face here the past couple days," Dale comments, continuing to tap on his phone without looking up. Blake seems to have some kind of moral debate before he leans over to snag Dale's phone, holding it out of our teammate's grasp.

After a second of struggling, Blake gives in and surrenders the phone. Dale scoffs before leaning over to slug him on the arm and give him an appropriate 'what the hell' look. Blake only grins in response, his gaze sweeping the table before he leans back in his chair.

"If you must know, I was chasing tail," Blake says, his eyes falling closed as he continues to grin at nothing in particular – like he's reminiscing on a few wild nights he definitely didn't have.

Star snorts, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, you wish." She's leaning back into Jeff and mutters something softly to him about the upcoming game as she kisses his neck. Jeff grins before his gaze meets mine.

"What are you looking at, Baxter? A little jealous?" he teases, leaning down to give Star an overly-sloppy kiss on her cheek. She lets out a small squeal and swats at him without any real force behind the move.

Jeff laughs loudly, shooting me another grin. "You know, you could have a firecracker like her, too. If you'd ever stop getting into bar fights," he says, making an overexaggerated gesture to my face.

I laugh, cause the joke is actually funny unlike most of the shit Jeff says, but I notice the way Kwan and Danny have subtly glanced toward me and I guess they don't see the humor. Even Paulina looks my way for a split second. All at once, the three of them start trying to turn the conversation in another direction but I cut in, raising my voice above them at the start of my response.

"Actually, it wasn't a bar fight," I say, watching Jeff cock his head to one side in question. Everyone's fallen silent and though the noise of the cafeteria is still going on around us, I swear we could hear a pin drop at our table. "It was… well, it's just that… my dad can get a little… heated sometimes and… yeah."

It's the shittiest way I've ever said it and I hate that it came out like that but it's the truth. And I'm tired of hiding this shit from my teammates. My friends. I've hurt way too fucking long to just keep this to myself.

Jeff blinks, apparently still processing this, but Dale surprises me by speaking first.

"That fucking sucks, man," he says, shaking his head when I glance at him. He doesn't elaborate more than that and Jeff and Star continue to just stare blankly at me.

Blake whistles softly, punching me gently on the shoulder when I look at him. "I second Dale. That really sucks, man."

I shrug, not really sure what to say but somehow, the words find me. "Yeah, it's um… been going on a long time and I'm really fucking sick of hiding it. Cause you guys are my friends and I… don't want to keep this shit a secret anymore."

Everyone at the table is still silent and I feel it crawl over me. I can't hold anyone's gaze but Danny's not just anyone. I look at him and he lifts one corner of his mouth, looking like that one movement takes all of his effort.

Jeff finally breaks out of his trance and he lets out a low breath. He rubs his index finger along the underside of his nose, glancing up at me for a second before dropping his gaze again. "Holy… fuck, man. I-I had… no idea, I would never have-"

"It's fine," I tell him and I realize it is. I don't care that they never figured it out and I don't care that I've felt like I had to hide it this whole time cause I was scared of what they'd think. I don't even care that I feel so awkward right now. Paulina and Danny were right, letting people in is a good thing.

Keith sets his phone on the table and clears his throat. "Dash, I have an uncle that's a lawyer… I could mention this to him if you want me to?"

"No, it's not…" I let out a breath, shaking my head. "If things get bad, I have… places to go," I mumble, my gaze drifting toward Kwan who gives me a sympathetic look. I let out a breath, forcing myself to look at Keith again. "Thanks but… I'm fine."

Keith hesitates a second before he shrugs, glancing at Kwan before he speaks, his gaze drifting toward me again. "Just… let me know if you change your mind."

Maybe getting out of dad's place before graduation is the better way to go but right now, I don't care. Cause I finally told my teammates what's been going on with me and it's like a fucking weight has been lifted from my chest.

* * *

I'm in the library with Danny after lunch, making him laugh instead of working on my algebra, when a shadow falls over the table.

Valerie is standing awkwardly at the end of the table, fiddling with her backpack straps and glancing between me and the floor. My heart aches for a split second and I try to expel out the feeling with a heavy exhale but it doesn't work. Some mixture of dread and fear sits on my chest like a damn weight and I can't meet her gaze either. Danny looks between us and I know he can feel the tension cause he slides from his chair and says something about getting some water.

As soon as he's gone, Valerie moves into the chair next to mine. She won't look at me at first, simply taking in the few bruises littering my arms before she meets my gaze, tears gathered in the corners of her eyes.

The breath I draw in is sharp and stabbing and I exhale out slowly, trying to stop myself from tearing up. Valerie takes my hand in hers and slowly raises it to her mouth, placing a gentle kiss on the back of my hand. "Dash… I'm so sorry," she whispers, closing her eyes and resting her forehead against my hand.

_Sorry…_ Today seems like the day for apologies. But… I never expected one from Valerie. Of all the shit that we've faced together, I never imagined that a stupid fight would push us away from each other. And I never would have guessed that she'd be the one apologizing for it.

She sniffles, glancing up at me in the silence. A tear escapes her eye and makes tracks down her face. I lean forward to catch it before it can run off her chin despite the pain the movement brings to my rib.

"I-I didn't know what to say when I saw you yesterday but I should have said something," Valerie says, tightening her hold on my hand. "I'm so sorry."

I shake my head even while she's still talking, squeezing her hand gently. "It's not… your fault, Val." There's so much more I want to say to her. I want her to know that I'm okay even though I'm not. I want to tell her that everything's gonna be okay but she can see right through my lies.

Valerie sighs loudly in the silence, dropping her gaze from me. "N-No, it's not… just about your dad. I'm sorry about me. About the way I acted when you asked me why I was at school that day," she says, glancing up at me again. Tears are still gathered in her eyes and she shakes her head, attempting to keep up a brave face despite the emotion clear in her expression.

She draws in a staggered breath. "Dash, I don't… God, I don't care anymore. I don't care why you pulled the fire alarm or if you were just bored, or whatever." Valerie turns in her chair more so she's facing me better. "You're one of my best friend's and if you say you had a reason for doing what you did, then I trust you and I don't care. Because you're more important to me than this job, okay? C-Cause you were there for me when I-I lost m-my mom and I've been th-thinking about those long nights a-at the hospital and  _you_ were the one that was there f-for me when m-my dad c-couldn't b-be there and I just-I just, Dash, I just-"

"It's okay," I say, stopping her from saying anything more when I pull my hand from hers only so I can push her against my chest and hug her. She relaxes into my arms but her tears quickly fall and soon she's crying into my chest, her words barely coherent. I hold her gently, shushing her every time she tries to apologize again. I can't tell her why I pulled that alarm but I don't want to fight anymore either. I don't care if she can't tell me why they were there. I think I've figured it out but it doesn't matter either way. Valerie's one of my best friend's and that's more important to me than knowing the truth.

* * *

I try to go home that night. I really fucking try. But I only make it into my neighborhood before I have to pull my car over and have a fucking breakdown. My hands are shaking, my fingers are trembling, my whole  _body_ is convulsing and I can barely breathe. Every hit of oxygen I manage to drag in is dizzying and I can't stop the panic from rising in the back of my throat.

Even though I resist for as long as I fucking can, I don't manage to talk myself out of getting my phone from my pocket and calling Danny. He's the only one that knows how to deal with me when I'm like this and if this past week proves anything... it's that I can trust Danny. And that he'll help me if I need him to.

" _Hello?"_

Just hearing his voice - hearing someone other than my rapid breathing filling the inside of my car makes drawing in my next breath a little easier. It doesn't eradicate the tension spiraling around my veins like a vice but it eases the feeling. It soothes the scratchiness my throat has felt since that day.

"H-Hey," I breathe, letting my eyes fall closed as I rest my head back against the drivers seat. The shakiness is still alive and present in my every movement but I manage to lean forward and turn the radio off, the low-drone no longer a background noise to my panic.

Danny's quiet for a few seconds, maybe waiting to see if I'm gonna say why I'm calling him, but he quickly gives up on getting an answer out of me and gets straight to the point instead.  _"Are you okay? You sound kinda freaked out."_

I let out a low breath, a nervous laugh tumbling from me in the quiet. I don't know what to tell Danny. He knows my shit now. Maybe he has for a long time but  _I_ know that he knows now. And it makes talking about my panic harder.

"Yeah, I'm just…" I trail off, not sure if I have it in me to utter the lie. I've been so used to locking everybody out that I don't know what to do now that I don't have to. Everyone that's important to me knows about this shit now. All of my teammates, most of the cheerleading team, Alex, Danny… they all know. And it should be really fucking easy to just say what's bugging me.

Danny won't let us stay in silence for long, reminding me that he's a hell of a lot smarter than I give him credit for. " _Dash… please tell me you didn't go home. I know that I don't really have a right to tell you what to do but… that's just – It's a bad idea."_

_Goddammit, Fenton. How do you always know what the fuck is wrong before my splintered voice and ashen lungs can find the courage to speak?_

I let out a breath that's more of a garbled laugh and Danny falls silent on his end. He knows me too well. I've only known him around two months, he shouldn't know me this well already.

"I'm… sitting in my car. Parked on a… side-street in my neighborhood," I finally manage to say, swearing under my breath at the tremble in my fingers and the break in my voice. I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't want to be sitting in my car having a fucking breakdown cause of my  _dad._  This is stupid.

Danny slowly exhales into the receiver.  _"Dash, what are you doing there?"_  he asks like I have some kind of choice in this. Like the anxiety that's wrapping around my bones will  _ever_  let me go. Like it's easy for me to turn away from everything that's happened to me since I was six years old.

"Danny… I don't want to go home. But it's not like… I can't really…" I push out a breath, trying to expel all the shaky thoughts from my mind. Trying to feel  _stronger_.

" _I get it, okay? I know why you're doing this. You feel some kind of obligation to your dad. I get it, Dash. But it doesn't have to be this way."_

He doesn't get it. I'm the one that's grown up around my dad, not Danny. I'm the one that had to deal with his hands when he had too many drinks. I'm the one that had to drive my mom to the hospital when dad put her through hell.  _I'm_ the one that's had to pick up my broken pieces and desperately try to hold myself together with super glue. Danny doesn't know what it's like to have a father like mine. But I think the part that Danny gets is my  _pain._  And it scares me to wonder what makes him able to understand it.

* * *

I stay with Alex again that night and the following night too. And I somehow make it through practice both days without him finding out. And I keep Coach from figuring out about my cracked rib or seeing the bruises on my face by suiting up before I ever step foot on the field. I down painkillers in the locker room, work my ass off on the field like usual, and he doesn't pay that much attention to my face. Though he does yell in my direction more than usual to let me know he's not happy I skipped practice twice.

I'm in the locker room before the game, practically vibrating as I suit up again. Keith sits on the bench next to me and gives me a once over before nodding toward me. "You sure you're okay to play tonight?" he asks, sliding his knee guard into place. He puts the other one on and adjusts the straps on both before giving me a look. "I saw the bruising on your chest yesterday."

I immediately look away from him, the fear running through me again before I remember that it's okay. He knows now.  _They all know._ I offer up a shrug when I glance back toward him. "Yeah, I'll be fine. I've played through worse."

Keith gives me another look and I wonder if Kwan set him up to this. "Do you know if it's just bruised? Because if there's a chance that something's broken… you probably shouldn't play until you see a doctor. You could make it a lot worse than it already is."

There's no way in hell I'm telling anyone that I've cracked a rib. Coach would bench me for sure and I can't sit out. Not tonight. I think I finally have a shot at getting out of Amity Park and I'm not letting it pass me by.

"Already been to the doctor's," I say, pulling my jersey on over my head. "It's just bruised," I continue, giving him a grin as I adjust my jersey over my shoulder pads. "You think I'd be dumb enough to play with an injury? Have more faith in me, man."

Keith's hesitant with the smile that tugs at his face but he shakes his head as he gives in with a soft laugh. He stands up from the bench and claps me on the shoulder. "Alright. Just be careful out there. The Mavericks have a really brutal line up this year."

"You know it," I say with a grin, turning back to my locker as he steps away from me. As soon as his back is turned and he's listening to whatever Blake's rambling on about, I swallow down two of the remaining painkillers Dr. Edwards gave me with a few large gulps of Gatorade.

My rib still hurts when I do pretty much anything but these painkillers have made it easier to get through practice the past few days. It's probably not the best move on my part but… I have to play tonight. And if taking these painkillers is the only way that I can do it then whatever. At least I'll still be able to play.

The locker room door slams open and Keith and I both turn at the noise. Kwan strides inside and crosses over to his locker, not looking at either one of us. He yanks open the door and throws his phone inside so hard, one of our teammates on the other side lets out a yelp.

"What the fuck?" Dale asks, coming around the side of the locker to glare in Kwan's general direction.

Kwan rolls his eyes, shedding his letterman jacket and cramming it inside his locker too. His stiff posture is obvious to everyone and Keith and I share a look before I move from my locker to Kwan's.

"What's up, man?" I ask, watching him strip his shirt off before replacing it with his undershirt. He shrugs a shoulder, not bothering with a response as he kicks his shoes off. I glance back at Keith and he gives me a frown that urges me to keep going.

I let out a breath, lowering my voice as I turn back to Kwan. "You okay? You're kinda… tense." It sounds really lame when I say it and he doesn't even acknowledge that I've spoken. He continues suiting up without saying anything.

"Hey, come on. It's me," I say, putting my hand on his shoulder. "What is it?"

He glances at my hand on his shoulder before looking back at me, a screwed up look on his face. "Really? So you're the only one that gets to keep secrets now?" he demands, rolling his eyes as he pulls away from me.

I don't know what to say and ordinarily this is the point where I'd admit defeat and back off before I make an idiot of myself by saying the wrong thing. But Kwan's my best friend and I know him better than anyone.

"Come on. I've told you everything since we were kids," I respond, giving him an overzealous grin only cause I know Keith is watching. "You  _know_  you can tell me anything."

Kwan slams his locker door closed and the noise draws a few people's attention. He fixes me with a look that's clearly telling me to drop it but I don't get a chance to back down before he snaps back, his words cutting through me like shards of glass.

"What about the letter? You didn't mention that at all. I had to find that before you'd say anything about it. Because you wouldn't tell me. But apparently  _Danny_  knows something about it?" he demands, rolling his eyes at my stunned silence. "Of course you have nothing to say. You never have  _anything_  to say.

No one around us speaks for a few seconds but Kwan doesn't let the silence last for long.

"God, you're such a fucking hypocrite, you know that? You're always telling me to open up or tell you shit and you don't do it in return. You just keep it all inside and you never let  _anyone_  in. And all I ever do, all I've  _ever_ done is-"

Kwan abruptly stops talking and turns for the exit without another glance back. There's a split second of silence before Keith follows him out, calling his name as he goes. I feel like I should follow him too and figure out what the fuck is going on with him but a part of me is wondering if he's finally reached that point where he gives up on me. It only took mom seventeen years, how long does it take my best friend to decide to ditch me?

* * *

It only takes me a few minutes to work up the nerve to go after Kwan. I want to find him and fix whatever I did to upset him. I've just stepped out of the locker room when someone calls my name. I turn toward the source and Paulina comes to a stop in front of me, giving me a smile.

"Hey, come here," she says, gesturing for me to follow her. I glance toward the field again but I can't see Kwan or Keith so I follow Paulina until we're standing under some of the lights for the field. She turns me around so my back is against the pole and laughs softly when I raise an eyebrow.

Paulina opens up her gym bag and digs out some kind of lip gloss thing and offers me a shrug. "I've heard word that there'll be some interviews after the game for the winning team. Considering the Ravens have the best quarterback in the history of  _ever_ , I figured you might want to look good for the interview." She holds out the tube toward me and I give her a look.

"Are you asking me to wear lip gloss?"

She rolls her eyes. "No, I'm not asking you to wear lip gloss,  _Dash._  It's concealer. For the…" She hesitates a second before she huffs out a breath. "For the bruises."

I must give her a blank look because she twists the cap off and steps closer to me. "Just… let me show you what it'll look like, okay?" She starts applying it under my eyes and across my cheekbones, being as gentle as she can, and I close my eyes to her touch.

Paulina hums softly, her fingertips moving gently over my face as she works to cover the marks that dad so effortlessly left on me. Even with how soft her touch is, it still aches every time she has to apply more pressure.

"Okay, done." Paulina places the cap back onto the concealer and tosses it into her bag before she digs through it again, handing over a small mirror.

Holy shit. The bruises aren't completely covered but she's done a fucking amazing job. My face looks less like I've been in a fight and more like I ran into a door a couple times. Shit, that looks so much better.

"Th-Thank you," I stammer, handing over the mirror again, still somewhat in awe. Paulina shrugs, smiling as she puts the mirror away. She brushes her hair back from her shoulders before digging inside her bag again.

I want to leave the moment there, just accept her kindness with a simple thank you but I can't. I broke up with her last week and she's apologized to me for the past and now she wants to help me out? I don't understand her.

"Why… are you helping me?" I ask, trying not to sound that surprised.

Paulina holds my gaze for a second before she shrugs, getting out a hairband from her bag. "Because I care about you." She gathers her hair into a high ponytail and secures it before she gives me a smile. "I just figured… you know, first impressions and all." She leans over to gently slug me on the arm.

"You look good, Dash. Now go out there and kick some ass. The Ravens need a victory tonight." She gives me a bright smile before she puts a hand on my back and gently pushes me toward the field.

I don't know what to think about what she did for me but I'm pretty sure it's a good thing. I know a lot of my teammates will always see Paulina as a grudge-holding, petty cheerleader and it's easy for me to slip into believing the same. But every time I think I've figured her out, she ends up showing me how wrong I am. I think I've always been wrong about Paulina.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyoooo! Another week of angst, another week of my life being extended due to all of the tears I soak up from my readers ;p
> 
> Welcome back! I can't believe it's been almost a month since I updated this story… I don't usually wait this long between updates but my life has been absolutely crazy. It literally feels like it's been one thing after another but hopefully life calms down soon. I really don't want to have to go this long between updates again. But anyway, back to talking about the story - the angst is really heating up in this chapter and I'd love to know what you're thinking about it
> 
> What do you think of Alex and the way he's treating Dash? How'd you like Danny taking care of Dash when the poor quarterback started to panic? What do you think is going on with Kwan that's got him snapping at his best friend? Do you think Kwan means any of what he says? Did Paulina apologizing make up for everything she's done so far? Tell me what you're thinking, I really do love reading through your thoughts!
> 
> Do you have any guesses about where this story is headed? Also are you going crazy just waiting for the space nerd and the bruised quarterback to just kiss already? (I'm waiting for it so intensely, you guys have no idea)
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. As a whole, this song definitely has some Dash/Danny vibes to it and that line was too good to pass up for this chapter ;p
> 
> Anyway, that's all I really wanted to say about this chapter. If you wanna follow me on tumblr for updates about when the next chapter's going up, my blog is in my profile. So, feel free to check it out for updates and the like
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this update and I can't wait to hear from you all. Thank you for reading every time I update – I really appreciate it! See you next update!


	52. We're The Kids Who Feel Like Dead Ends

Even though I took those painkillers in the locker room before the game, my rib is still aching before we've even gotten through the first three passes. We're kicking the opposing team's ass but I miss a couple of easy plays cause I'm watching out for Kwan. The referee calls him out twice for the aggressive way he's playing on the field and even though he seems to make an attempt to chill, Kwan's still angry as fuck during our huddles.

He won't even come into the locker room during halftime so me and Keith end up hanging outside too, just watching him from a distance cause he won't let us get too close before he just walks away. It's bugging me that I don't know what's going on with Kwan because I'm usually the one he tells this shit to.

Almost halfway into the cheerleaders routine for halftime, Keith moves away from where we're standing and starts for Kwan. I wait for my teammate to return with another dejected expression but to my surprise, Kwan starts talking to him. There's a lot of wild gesturing at first on my best friend's part but Keith just keeps nodding and Kwan seems to relax.

The two of them wander a little further away from the field and I watch them go with some kind of feeling stirring in my chest. It's not exactly jealousy cause I know that I'm Kwan's best friend. But… I feel  _something_  about the fact that he's opening up to our teammate instead of me.

* * *

Coach has practically screamed himself raw by the end of the game but he's still able to shout about our victory, pumping his fist in the air along with the rest of us. I even catch Kwan with a grin on his face but someone pulls him into a conversation before I have the chance to.

The crowd floods onto the field, cheering along with the players, clapping us on the back and screaming about how amazing certain plays were. I see Danny in the crowd, grinning widely as he searches for me. I start toward him but someone taps me on the shoulder.

Lance Thunderis standing in front of me, giving me a smile that makes my heart race. His expression has a touch of concern to it and I guess my bruises are showing through whatever Paulina put on my face earlier. "Great job out there, Baxter. I'm really impressed with you," he says, only renewing the thumping around of my heart.

"He's not the only one you've impressed," someone says, standing next to Lance suddenly. He smiles at me, extending his hand. "Coach Raine, nice to finally meet you, Mr. Baxter. I've seen your highlight tape and I knew you were a great player but I've just now had the pleasure of seeing you play in person."

I numbly take his hand in mine and his smile brightens.

"Lance has told me a lot about you and I've gotta tell you, kid. It's been a while since I've seen a player with your talent," he says, clapping me on the shoulder. "How do you feel now that the Ravens will be playing for the championship title?" he asks, sliding his hands into his pockets as he talks.

I'm at a loss for words, stammering over everything I try to say and I fucking hate it. Words have never come easily to me but I can't let that be my excuse right now.

"Uhh… y-yeah, I'm uh excited… I think that we can win. Definitely, I have faith in my team." I shoot Raine a smile that he's quick to return and I guess I haven't fucked up yet.

Raine glances at Lance before he focuses on me, a smile still in his expression. "Lance has told me that you haven't applied anywhere yet or had any kind of offers," he says, more like a question as he raises his eyebrows at the end of the statement.

"Y-Yeah, that's… right. I haven't thought about where I want to go a-and I don't think that many scouts have visited Amity Park," I mumble, awkwardly scratching the back of my neck.

"Well, then let me be the first to make you an offer, Dash," Raine says, folding his arms over his chest. "DALV University can offer you a full scholarship and four more years to play this sport. 'Dash Baxter, quarterback for the DALV Demons.' Has a nice ring to it, huh?"

I can't deny how fucking great it is to hear and I want it more than anything. I want it so badly my bones fucking  _ache_ for it. But something holds me back from saying yes. This great opportunity is  _literally_  right in front of me and at any moment, I could grab it. I could fucking take it and make a different life for myself. Beyond Alex's garage. Beyond dad's anger. Beyond this stupid, small town. All I have to do is say yes and I just… I fucking  _can't_.

Raine picks up on my hesitation and lets out a soft breath, allowing me an easy way out of this. "Why don't you come tour our campus over winter break? I think you might know your answer once you get there." He pulls something from his pocket and hands over a card with his name and contact details on it. "You can call me at any time if you have questions." He returns his hands to his pockets before the smile is back on his face. "I'll be coming to watch your team win next game so take care until then."

I'm left standing on the field as the two of them walk away from me. I'm still clutching the card Raine handed me and I can't fucking breathe thinking about this. I don't think my chances are fucked up just cause I didn't immediately jump for this but god. Should I have just accepted this opportunity without thinking about it? And why was my first thought about the fucking promise I made dad?

* * *

The local news station congratulates me and my teammates on the victory tonight before they start asking us questions, having each of us on air for around two minutes. The entire time I'm answering all the questions the reporter asks me, my mind's running with everything the scout and Coach Raine said about the amazing offer he gave to me.

Somehow, I manage to stay on topic with the questions and when the reporter starts asking us about where we're looking to head to college, my gut tightens. Am I supposed to say something now? Is this one of those moments where the town gets to know where the players have decided to go? Fuck, I  _haven't_  decided to go anywhere yet.

Coach cuts in front of us before any of us can respond and he says that's all the time that they can have, rambling about needing to have a team discussion. He tells us to head to the locker room but he thanks the reporter for her time before sending her and her camera crew away.

Keith claps my shoulder as he passes by me, jogging to catch up to Kwan. Shit… I almost forgot about him. In between talking to the DALV guys and the reporter, my best friend slipped my mind. Is he still angry with me or did the game make him forget about how much of a fuck-up I can be?

My teammates and I are herded into the locker room and Coach has us gather around, standing on the outside of the circle as he looks around at all of us. It's obvious from his expression that he's proud of us and he can't keep the smile from his face for long.

Coach inhales deeply, placing a hand on Seth and Mitchell's shoulders - the two players closest to him. "I'm… so proud of all of you," he says softly, his tone so full of astonishment, it makes my chest tighten.

He glances at all of us again, shaking his head as he claps my teammates on the back. "You've all done such an amazing job. Not just tonight but every game night. Every day at practice. This team really has the heart and soul of each of you in it and I'm proud to call you my players."

My teammates and I are grinning at his words and Coach looks like he couldn't be more proud if he tried. He lets out a soft breath, shaking his head as a laugh leaves him.

"We have two weeks to prepare for the championship game. And you're all more than capable of kicking their ass when we play them. I'm just… so proud of how you've worked as a team this year and the spirit you show on the field. If you show that same passion, that same  _fire_  in this game… the Ravens canbring home the trophy. I truly believe that this year's team can do it." Coach drops his hands from my teammates shoulders. "That's all I'll say otherwise you'll see me cry. Now get your asses in the shower, come on, hustle."

There's a lot of subdued chatter as the circle breaks up but Coach's voice is loud even in the midst of the locker room.

"Baxter, come see me in my office," he says, giving me a nod before he starts toward the back of the locker room. I glance at my teammates before I drop my helmet onto the bench and start after him. I barely look at Kwan as I pass him by but the expression he's wearing is an apologetic one.

Coach holds the door open for me and waits until I'm inside before he shuts it. He gestures to the chair in front of his desk and I ease myself down into it, letting out a pained breath with the movement.  _Stupid rib._

He pauses on his way to his chair, I guess finally seeing my face and I suppose the stuff Paulina used to cover the bruising really has worn off. Or maybe Coach just now noticed how fucked up my face is.

"You alright, son?" he asks, placing a hand on my shoulder. He gives me a look when I nod but he lets go of me after a second or two. A silence falls between us as he gets settled in his chair before he suddenly looks up at me with a bright smile. He just holds my gaze for a few seconds, practically beaming with pride as he asks, "So, what does DALV think of you?"

He laughs when my mouth falls open, nodding before he continues. "When I talked to some coaches from a few colleges at the beginning of this season, most of them were interested just from your highlight reel from last year. Coach Raine really liked what he saw, said there was some raw talent about you that he couldn't put out of his mind. He got in touch immediately after I sent him an updated reel from this season and mentioned sending someone to see you play." Coach clasps his hands together and rests his chin on the back of his hands. "So. What'd they tell you?"

My mouth is suddenly dry and I slowly draw in a breath, licking my lips before I'm able to think clear enough to respond.

"They um… I think they liked me? The uhh… coach Raine was… here tonight. He talked to me… s-seemed to think I was talented," I mumble, dropping my gaze from Coach's with a shrug. All this time… Coach was putting my name out there. Believing that I could get beyond a high school football team.  _Why didn't he ever tell me?_

I push out a breath and though it shakes on the way out, I force myself to look up. "Coach… i-isn't it too late for this kinda shit? I thought… players were scouted the most in their junior year."

Coach's gaze drops from mine too quickly. He tries to appear casual with the shrug but he's not as good at bullshitting as I am. He briefly meets my gaze before he nods. "Yes, the majority of scouting happens in a player's junior year. But colleges still look out for senior players. You never know who might have joined the roster that year." He shrugs but it's obvious that he's still trying to be casual.

I drop my gaze from studying him and stare down at my fingernails instead, picking at a hangnail on the side of my pinky finger. I don't know why there's suddenly this awkward tension in the room. Did I say something wrong?

Coach sighs, dragging my stare back up to him. His eyebrows are drawn down as he shakes his head and I feel like I should know what that expression means. What he's trying to tell me is written somewhere in the lines under his eyes or the furrow of his brow or in the way his hands-

"Ordinarily, colleges go through the high school coach to get to the player. You've had a lot of people interested in you since your sophomore year and I tried to put things in motion but… after I spoke with your mother last fall… it didn't work out." His hands tighten into fists on the desk and I feel like they're wrapped around my esophagus as I try to remember to breathe. "She told me to never bring it up with you and got the board of education up my ass for a while, threatening to fire me."

He relaxes his hands. "Once I heard that she'd disappeared, I called every college that had once asked about you or expressed any kind of interest and I sent them every highlight reel I could get my hands on. I've had coaches and scouts at almost every game this year to see you. Cause I _know_  that you deserve this chance, even if your mother doesn't think you do." He pauses then, sees whatever look is on my face and gives me an apologetic stare, shaking his head. "I'm sorry. I know you didn't want to hear that about her."

I drop my stare, studying the grain of his desk. Mom… told him not to talk to me? Why would she do that? I wasn't even interested in college last year but it would have been nice to know it was a fucking _option_.

Coach lets out a breath, dropping his hands onto his desk. I guess he realizes that I have nothing to say because he continues. "Baxter… you put yourself down a lot. Too much, in fact. And you end up having no idea how truly amazing you are. Not just on the field, either. Any area in your life, you… you have great potential to do amazing things, kid."

He leans forward and I look up to see a frown creasing his brows. "Don't let her or anyone take this chance from you." He looks like he wants to add more about mom but he shakes his head as he looks away from me. "Never in the history of my coaching career have I  _ever_  seen a player like you. Someone that's so talented, not only on the field but off as well. You have the ability to pull the team together better than I've ever seen with another captain on this team." He looks back at me, a smile cracking his features. "A lot of kids play the game, Dash. But you  _love_  this sport. Like no other kid I've seen. You have the kind of passion and drive that most coaches kill for and I'm honored to have been able to see it and coach you for these past four years."

I don't know what to say, only that my chest feels so tight it's about to burst. I have to drop my gaze from him, afraid I'll tear up or some shit if I don't. Coach must sense it cause he leans across his desk to pat me on the hand.

"DALV is a great college and I'm sure you know that. But you don't have to go with the first place that offers you something," he continues, easing back into his chair. "There'll be more scouts to come and I guarantee you, tonight wasn't the only offer you'll receive this season. Start looking at places now, son. Figure out where you want to go and let me know. I can put in the word for you if you tell me what colleges catch your interest."

Coach gets up from his chair and crosses in front of his desk again before patting me on the shoulder. "Come talk to me when you've done some research on these colleges and I'll arrange for you to meet the coaches." He squeezes my shoulder. "Trust me, Dash. You're gonna go far. A lot farther than you've ever imagined."

It feels like a dream to hear coach tell me these things but for once I'm not dreaming. This is actually happening. God, there's so much fucking hope alive in my chest, I'm almost choking on it. Thoughts of mom denying me this chance are crowding up my brain but I somehow manage to push them back and shoot him a wobbly smile. I mumble my thanks before I make my way out of his office, stumbling over the dreams I never realized didn't have to stay dreams.

* * *

I'm barely hearing the chatter of the locker room around me as I shower and get dressed again. My mind is running with everything coach said to me. Everything the DALV guys said to me. The hopeful feeling in my chest and the way every fucking thing just feels so much better.

Blake's acting really obnoxious again, talking about hooking up with Roxane tonight but even he's not getting on my nerves. I dry off and get dressed, my mind a million miles away from this locker room. I'm dreaming of places far outside of this town. Places where no one knows my name and I can start all over. Without anyone knowing about my dad kicking the shit out of me or my mom abandoning me.

Jeff starts asking me about what I'm doing this weekend but my thoughts aren't coherent enough to figure it out right now. I tell him I'll text him later and head for the exit. I'm so lost in my own head, figuring out what the fuck I feel right now, I almost miss Kwan leaning against the outside of the locker room.

He pushes away from the wall when he sees me and awkwardly shuffles closer. He opens and closes his mouth a couple times as he scratches the back of his head.

"D-Dash, I'm… really sorry about what I said. I didn't mean to go off on you guys… N-None of you deserved that… god,  _especially_  you. I'm so sorry. You know I don't think about you like that, right? I didn't mean to say what I did, it just came out and-"

"It's okay," I say, not just to stop him from apologizing but cause it's true. It's Kwan. He's been my best friend since we were awkward grade-schooler's. He could probably say anything to me in a moment of anger and I'd let it go. Still… it's nice to know that he didn't actually mean any of the shit he was saying.

Kwan lets out a soft breath, shaking his head as he looks away from me. "It's… not okay, Dash. I should never have said any of that. I was just pissed off and I took it out on you." He hesitantly glances back at me. "I-I mean it, I'm really sorry."

I shrug, leaning over to slug him on the arm. "It's cool, idiot." I hitch my bag higher up on my shoulder before I continue. "What pissed you off so badly? You don't normally talk like that."

He lets out a heavy breath and I'm guessing this is more than just the standard edition of shit. Kwan's gaze is trained somewhere in front of us and I don't try to meet his gaze. "It's… my parents." He scratches the back of his head, taking a step backward to lean against the side of the locker room again. "My dad's given up on family therapy. He… wants a divorce instead. He got a lawyer this morning."

_Fuck._

Kwan drags in an inhale that sounds like he's shattering. "He wouldn't even tell me, Dash. My  _mom_  was the one that had to sit down with me and tell me what the fuck was going on cause he… wouldn't. And I get it. It's not like this is the easiest thing in the world to tell your kid but god, would it have  _killed_ him to just be there so mom didn't have to be the only one telling me?"

He looks at me, his bottom lip trembling as he shrugs. I don't know how to respond but it's Kwan. He's my best friend and I don't want to give him another shitty silence. It's all I've done since we were kids and I fucking refuse to do it tonight.

' _I'm sorry_ ' seems so hollow and it's not what he needs to hear. If he wanted to hear someone pour out words of apology, he'd be talking to his mom right now. Or fuck, maybe his boyfriend. I'm not either of those things to him and a simple apology doesn't cut it for us.

Without a second thought, I drop my bag at his feet and tug him into my arms. He stiffens at the touch and stays rigid at first but he melts into the hug with a sigh, dropping his chin onto my shoulder like he's finally reached his breaking point under the weight of the fucking world.

"I know this is hard," I mumble, feeling his ragged intake of breath rather than hearing it. "Shit's gonna suck for a while now. And you have every fucking right to be angry or upset or whatever the fuck you're feeling."

Kwan buries his face in the crook of my neck and the feeling stabs at my heart.  _No, Kwan. Don't be sad, please. I don't know how to deal with you when you're sad. You've always been the happy one between us, we can't reverse this. I have way too much shit to take up your position. It's not in my bones to be the one that makes everyone forget about their problems. I can't be the happy one, Kwan. I'm not like you, I can't-_

I can.

My best friend needs me. This isn't just a bad day or something he'll be able to get over after a couple of drinks and a long talk. This kind of shit is gonna hurt. It's gonna  _burn_. It's gonna wake him up in the middle of the night and make him question what he did wrong. And it's gonna take way too long before he'll be able to accept that it's not his fault. That it's  _never_ been his fault.

He's usually the put together one – always holding me up and making sure that I'm taken care of. But that's not his job tonight. He needs someone to look out for him and be the strong one. Even though I know that I'll never fill his shoes quite right, I can be that person for him.

He meets my gaze with tear-filled eyes when I pull away from him. I cup my hands around his face, using my thumbs to catch the tears that escape when he closes his eyes.

"This isn't your fault. You're not responsible for what your parents do," I say, finding words I could never believe before now. But I think it's fucking time we both start believing them. We're just kids. And fucked-up ones at that. It's not our job to fix our parents or to make them happy.

I don't know when the two of us started to take on the burdens of our parents instead of leaving that shit where it belongs but we've both reached a breaking point tonight. I can't let anyone stop me from going after the opportunity that's been dropped at my feet and like hell am I letting Kwan crawl behind his walls and let his parents' divorce be a reflection on him.

"You're  _not_  responsible for them," I repeat, pressing him against my chest in another hug. He loops his arms around my back and fists his hand in my shirt. He chokes on the noises sticking in his throat and I hold him tighter.

I gently rub the knots of tension out of his back and let him fall apart in my arms. Kwan doesn't deserve this shit. Not a single fucking second of it. He deserves  _two_  parents that care about him and want to know about his life. Instead of having one that tries to tell him that he's wrong cause of who he loves or leaves him to pick up the shattered pieces of his family.

Kwan clutches at my shirt, letting out a broken noise, and I'm reminded that life doesn't give a fuck what he deserves. Shit's gonna fucking suck for him right now but it won't always.  _It won't always._

He's not gonna get over this shit in a few days or even weeks. It's gonna take a while before he can look in the mirror and not blame himself for every decision his parents made. I know the feeling. And there's no fucking way I'm letting him ever get as bad as I've been.

I send up a silent vow, as he tries desperately to hold himself together, promising that the both of us aren't gonna have to fucking  _wither_  just cause of the shit our parents have done and will do.  _No more, Kwan. We're not fucking pawns for them to use in their shitty game of chess. We're just kids. Fucked-up, broken, thriving-despite-our-fucking-shit kids._

* * *

I make it all the way into my neighborhood on my way home this time. All the way to the house with the faded black shutters and the gutter that leaks every time there's a storm. I stop my car at the edge of the grass but I can't force myself to turn off my engine.

Dad's car is sitting in the driveway when I pull up and I don't have the strength in my rattling bones to go inside. A part of me is telling myself that I don't want to end tonight having to deal with more of dad's bullshit but the other part of me knows I'm too afraid to go inside.

My hands are shaking on the steering wheel and I try to take deep breaths to calm down. But I can't calm down. I don't know how. Not without Danny's voice drifting through the phone, telling me that it's okay.

Between what Coach told me about mom and having my chest so full of hope about this college opportunity, I don't want to go inside. I don't want dad to say or do anything that's going to add more shit for me to think about tonight.

I call Alex on the way out of my neighborhood so I can't change my mind while I'm driving and he tells me to come by his place at any time. He said something along the lines of staying with him however long I need but I'm just asking about tonight. I'm not gonna let myself run away from dad and hide out.  _I'm done hiding out._

Alex opens his door when I park in front of his apartment. He calls out to me as I start for the stairs and I give a small wave. He leans against the doorframe, sipping something from a mug and gives me a once over as I reach the top of the stairs. He must be taking in the bruises again cause his eyebrows draw down.

"Hey, sorry about this… I just don't want to go home tonight," I say, offering up a shrug but I feel like I should have more of an explanation. "The uhh… the game was really great tonight, y'know? And I don't know. Didn't really feel like letting dad ruin it for me."

I step inside Alex's apartment, appreciating the warmth for the first time in a long time. It's getting a hell of a lot colder now, especially at night. As much as I love football, I'm kind of glad to have a week off before our next game considering the weather is getting closer to freezing my nuts off.

"You  _played_  tonight?" Alex asks as he shuts his door, giving me a look when I turn around. "Please tell me that you're shitting me. Dash, tell me you didn't play tonight."

I open my mouth but I don't know how to deny what I already said. Alex rolls his eyes and steps past me, disappearing into the kitchen. He comes back a second later without his mug in his hand and takes my duffel bag from me. He tosses it in the general direction of the couch and frowns at me.

"Let me see your side," Alex says, folding his arms over his chest. In his oversized Casper High sweatshirt, he looks more like a pissed off teenager than an adult and I chew the inside of my cheek so I don't snort at the expression he's wearing.

I could argue that it's feeling fine even though it's not but I know Alex won't believe me. So I tug the hem of my shirt up and hear Alex's sharp intake of breath. He steps closer to me, uncrossing his arms to place one hand gently against my skin.

"Shit," he mumbles as he crouches down to see it better, his thumb grazing one of the more painful bruises as he takes in the damage. Alex glances up at me, letting out a sigh as he shakes his head. "You're not supposed to be playing on this at all. The doctor  _told_  you to take it easy and rest as much as you can."

When I don't respond, Alex rises back to his full height, shaking his head again. "I knew I should have just called your coach. He would never have let you play tonight if he'd known. Do I need to call him now so he'll stop you from playing next week?"

I shake my head. "No… there's no game next week. We're um… Next game i-is the championship," I say, unable to keep the grin from my face. "We're… in the finals, Alex." For the first time since I joined the Ravens, it looks like Casper High could win this thing. The championship title… fuck, I can't imagine what it would look like to colleges if I was on a winning team.

Alex studies my expression for a few seconds before he lets out a breath, a smile tugging at his features. "That's really great," he exhales out a breath, shaking his head with the persistent smile. "I'm proud of you, kid."

He gestures toward the back of his apartment. "The shower's open if you want to take one before bed and there's some coffee in the pot, I only made it an hour ago. You're welcome to it."

Even though I'd love to get a cup of coffee and sit with Alex for a while, tell him everything Coach said to me tonight, the good and the bad, I want to keep it to myself for now. I still need to process everything that happened tonight. What Coach said about my mom and the scholarship opportunity, and Kwan… god,  _Kwan._

I'll let everyone in on the idea of college but for now, it's just for me. I'm keeping it to myself but I can't wait to hear the pride in Alex's voice when I finally tell him that I won't be working at the shop forever. Cause I have a fucking life to live and it only took believing in myself to remember that.

* * *

Alex is still sitting at the kitchen table when I get out of the shower, a frown creasing his features as he stares down at several loose sheets of paper. A pencil stub is tucked behind one ear and another clenched between his teeth as he works some figures out on a calculator.

He glances up when the floor creaks under me and he takes the pencil from his mouth to smile. "Hey," he says, leaning back in his chair. Alex ditches the pencil on top of the papers and stretches his arms over his head.

I collapse into the chair across from him, the exhaustion of the game finally reaching me. The painkillers are completely gone from my system now and I let out a soft groan, my gaze drifting to the coffee pot. I really want a cup of liquid caffeine but it's so far away and my laziness is pretty damn high right now.

Alex watches me with a smile, returning to his papers after a few seconds of silence. "I've already made up the couch for you so go sleep when you want to. Don't feel like you have to keep me company. I know you're exhausted." He frowns again, glancing between two papers. He mutters something softly to himself, tapping a few numbers on his calculator before he writes something down.

I can't help but watch him in silence, studying the lines that disappear on his face at something only to reappear a minute or so later. The quiet that's settled around us isn't uncomfortable and I find myself smiling as he sorts through whatever's on his papers.

Alex glances up at me, giving me a look before a smile tugs at his mouth too. "What are you grinning at?" he asks, getting up from the table. He drops his pencil on the table and moves to the coffee pot, filling his empty mug before getting out a second one for me.

I mumble my thanks when he returns to the table, sliding the mug toward me. He gets the sugar for me before he adds a little milk to his own, passing the carton to me. We're both silent at first, our only noises coming from the clinking of forks against the inside of our mugs from the stirring motion we both make.

The coffee is delicious as always and I sink back into the chair with a sigh, feeling the tension of the day slip away from me. Even though the shit with Kwan and my mom is weighing on me, I can't fight the smile for long when I think about everything that happened today with the scout and the opportunity that's been given to me. I feel so fucking hopeful for my future and I'm finally able to see a career beyond working at Alex's until I grow old.

"I want you to move in with me," Alex says suddenly, his voice interrupting my thoughts. It takes me a few seconds to register what the hell he just said but when I do, I have no clue what to say. He raises an eyebrow like he expects a response but he doesn't wait for one. "I'm serious. I'll help you move your stuff this weekend. I don't want you going home to him anymore."

My mouth is dry as I open and close it, trying to remember how words work.  _Move in with him…?_ Fuck, I can't even wrap my head around it. I don't want to go back to dad but I sure as hell don't want to put this kind of thing on Alex. Even though… he  _offered_ … and it would get me out of dad's place faster than waiting around for graduation… fuck.

I can feel the silent promise I made when I held Kwan start to slip away from me as I imagine living with Alex. Never having to worry about going to school the following day with bruises or coming home to anyone passed out on the kitchen table cause they don't know when to put the bottle down.

But fuck, I don't want dad to have power over me. If I run from him, he always will.

"No," I say, unable to hold Alex's gaze for longer than a second. I can't put this kind of pressure on him. He's got his shit to deal with and this is mine. I'm not running away from dad. So he bruises me sometimes, what does it matter? I've always healed so far.

"Dash, think about it for a second," Alex says, leaning forward to press his hands flat against the table. "You wouldn't have to put up with his bullshit anymore. You'd come and go as you please here. It's not like I'd have any rules for you to follow. Dash, you'd be  _safe_  here."

Dad hasn't had 'rules' for me in a long time. More like, things that set him off and he enjoys making that shit a surprise. The idea of being safe sounds so fucking good but… my dad's the chief of police. How can living in an apartment across town stop him from coming after me?

"I don't want to move in with you," I respond, picking up my mug. I take a few sips, letting it burn on the way down, before I meet Alex's gaze again. "Thanks anyway, but I'm just gonna go to sleep."

Alex watches me leave the kitchen but he doesn't say another word. He lingers by the table while I get my phone from my duffel bag and set an alarm for tomorrow morning. Just when I fold back the blankets on the couch to crawl under them, he leaves. He doesn't exactly slam his bedroom door but it's definitely not a quiet shut.

I don't know why he's so concerned about me. It's not like I haven't been dealing with dad's shit my whole life. Alex just doesn't get it. I've been in it this long, is a few more months really gonna kill me?

* * *

I'm blinking back sleep as I glance around Alex's living room, my heart pounding. My exhale is shaky as I try to figure out why the fuck I'm awake.  _What the hell just woke me up?_  I don't remember what I was dreaming about or if I was at all. I only know that my heart is pounding like crazy.

Alex is in his room down the hall and it's still dark outside so I roll over without bothering to check the time. It's Saturday tomorrow. There's no point in knowing what the time is now. I've got an alarm set to go off but it's probably only-

My phone vibrates against the floor and my eyes snap open. Oh, so  _that's_  what woke me up. That makes a hell of a lot more sense now.

I fling an arm over the side of the couch and grab my phone from where I left it, intent on just switching the volume off but I get a look at the time. It's just past four but my phone lights up again with another text from Danny.

Blinking the sleep from my eyes, I type in my passcode and glance over his texts, slowly waking up more the longer I read.

**From: Danny**

_**I don't know if you're awake but text me when you get this?** _

_**Guessing you're asleep then** _

_**Just call me in the morning?** _

_**Fuck, never mind** _

_**I'm sorry** _

_**God, I really hope I don't wake you but there's so much shit running through my head and I don't want to think about it anymore** _

_**I know it's late but if you're awake, let me know** _

_**I'm so fucking sorry** _

_**I hope you're sleeping well** _

_**Night, Dash** _

It takes me a few seconds to be able to even think of a response but I finally manage to type something back that sounds more coherent than I feel.

**To: Danny**

_**I'm awake. What's going on?** _

I swipe a hand down my face, attempting to clear away the sleep. Whatever Danny's dealing with, I want to help. He's not alone as long as I'm here. I don't know if it's too late to get him to talk about whatever's going on but I can try to get his mind off things if he'll let me. I still suck at words but that doesn't mean I can't try. And for Danny, I'll always try.

**From: Danny**

_**I didn't mean to wake you** _

**To: Danny**

_**It's cool** _

_**What's up?** _

It takes him a few minutes to respond but when he does, I leave the warmth of Alex's couch and get dressed even though it's four in the morning. I check over Danny's text again before I leave the apartment, quietly shutting the door behind me.

**From: Danny**

_**This is so fucking selfish and I know it's late but… can you meet me? I'm at the overpass I showed you** _

* * *

The roads are basically empty at this hour so getting to Danny is no problem. When I park my car next to his, he's sitting on the hood of his Equus and I kill my engine before I get out, balancing two coffee cups from the only gas station open this early as I kick the door closed.

"This has kinda become our thing, y'know?" I say as I approach him, holding out a cup toward him as I get closer. "Meeting each other in the dead of night to talk about shit."

Danny glances up at the gesture and lets out a soft breath before he takes the cup, mumbling his thanks. He closes his eyes as he breathes in the scent before carefully taking a sip. The sheer exhaustion on his face is mirrored in his movements and I hesitate only a second before I climb onto the hood next to him.

I don't know what it is about this spot but it's so much better in the dead of night. When there's no one awake and the lights in the school parking lot are dead. Up here, it feels like Danny and I are the only two people awake in the whole town.

"I've never…" Danny trails off when I look at him and he only holds my gaze for a few seconds before looking away again with a sigh. He sips from his coffee, his gaze trained down on the hood of his car to avoid looking at me.

After a few seconds of silence, I set my coffee down between us and stretch my hands behind me, leaning back on them. My eyes fall closed as I swing my legs back and forth, the chill of the early morning barely reaching me through my sweatshirt.

Danny draws in a shuttering breath and it's all I can hear, every other sound just disappears from my mind as I turn to look at him. His eyes are closed but tears are slowly making their way down his face. I reach toward him, intent on catching one before it can leave his skin, but he turns away from me and whispers something so softly, I almost miss it.

"I'm the phantom."

Everything is silent around the two of us and after only a second of hesitation, I scoot closer to him. He's still turned away from me but with one hand on his shoulder and the other on his chin, I manage to turn him back to look at me.

Danny opens his eyes, tears clinging to his lashes as he sniffles in the silence and now more than ever, I want to press my lips to his skin and make him forget everything that's rattling around inside his head. But this isn't the time or the place to act on my selfish urges. So I softly caress his cheek with my thumb instead, offering up a sad smile and the only words I can think of, hoping they're good enough this time.

"It's okay."

Danny looks back at me like I'm crazy before he pulls away, shaking his head with the movement. "I don't… think you understand," he whispers, his voice breaking somewhere in the middle of his sentence. He turns away from me as he wipes the tears from his face, sniffling loudly in the silence.

In conversations like this one, this is about the time I realize that I don't know what to say and I give up, settling for silence instead of the awkward trouble of mustering through offering support. But I'm done fucking up by staying silent. I want to talk until my lungs give out and I've said everything I can just to make the pain in his chest go away, even if it only works for a little while.

"You're right, I-I don't understand," I respond, taking his hand in mine before he has the chance to pull away from me. He looks back at me this time, tears brimming in his eyes again as he draws in a breath. It looks like he's steeling himself for whatever I'm about to say but I give him the most genuine smile I can as I swipe my thumb across the back of his hand. "But it doesn't matter. I don't care why you've been doing the things that you have. I really don't. You don't have to explain any of it. You're still Danny to me."

He drops his gaze from mine and I have the unsettling feeling that I really  _don't_  understand. That this whole thing is a hell of a lot bigger than I realized and I've stepped into a mess that I was never meant to see. But he  _told_  me the truth. Maybe I pushed for it at first but he made the choice to tell me tonight. And I'm not about to watch him regret that.

"Maybe I don't understand, maybe this shit is a lot worse than I ever thought about. But point is, I know now. Which means that I can help you. With whatever I can, whenever you need me to."

Danny turns toward me, squeezing my hand in his before letting out a breath. "I can do things that no one else can. I-I can make things move without touching them. I've made m-myself disappear a-and I can pass through solid objects, I-"

He stops then, pulling his hand from mine to brace his forehead against his palms. He draws in one shaky breath after another and even though words have never come easily to me before, this time I have to force myself to stay silent. Cause if I interrupt him, there's no telling how long it'll take him to work out what's in his head. I place my hand on his back instead, hoping that it's enough for now.

Danny rakes his fingers through his hair, looking up at me again as more tears spill down his cheeks. "I-I didn't stop the car that day, Dash. I passed you  _through_  it. I just saw it falling a-and I couldn't let anything happen to y-you. I didn't mean to do wh-what I did but I touched you and you phased through the car as I pulled you out. A-And I don't even know  _how_  I do these things, I just do them. I-It scares the shit out of me and I don't want to be like this. I j-just want to be normal and I can't be."

He drags in a breath that's painful to listen to and I bite down on the inside of my lip, nodding instead of saying the million things in my head. He hesitates a second or two, the silence weighted around us, before he continues on like he never paused in the first place.

"I started this phantom thing by accident. I-I was practicing, seeing what I'm capable of and a security guard caught me. S-Since then, this whole thing has just grown and I don't want to do any of it anymore, I-I just didn't know how to stop and I'm scared, Dash. I'm so fucking scared, I can't breathe." Danny clenches his hands around his hair, dragging in a breath like he's proving his last statement.

Danny pulls away from me when I reach for him and after a second of holding my gaze, he slides off the hood of his car, turning his back to me as he walks away. I can hear his stuttered breathing and I'm quick to follow him off the car.

"I-It's okay," I try, shoving my hands into my pockets with a shrug.

He turns toward me and gives me a look like I'm crazy as he drops his hands from his hair. Some kind of darkness passes over his features and his eyebrows draw down as he lets out a shaky breath. " _Okay_?" he questions, stepping closer to me. "Okay, Dash? It's not okay, none of this is okay. I'm some kind of fucking freak and you think it's  _okay_?"

I'm caught off guard by the anger radiating from him and I don't know what to say as he glares at me. But something is definitely better than nothing. "I didn't mean-"

"You're just like everybody else. Telling me what you think I want to hear. I don't want to hear that it's okay. Cause it's fucking  _not_." Danny's hands are balled into fists at his sides and I can't stop staring at the faint green glow around them.

Danny doesn't give me long to stare and I take a step backward, sliding my hands from my pockets when he nears me again. I don't know what to say so I go for nothing, simply letting out a breath that I hope doesn't sound frustrated.

He glances down at my outstretched hands and scoffs. "You really are just like everyone else." Danny turns his back to me, unclenching his hands for only a second or two before they're tight fists again. The glow around his hands only increases and he quietly breathes out, rolling his shoulders with the movement. "I'm not going to ask you to stick around if you're afraid of me."

_Afraid of him…?_

I cross over to him again, staring up at the same sky he is, trying to understand what's running through his head. Neither one of us speak for a few minutes and the silence makes the world feel colder somehow. Like the warmth has been dragged from this moment.

"I'm not afraid of you, Danny," I say, not taking my gaze off the sky even when he turns to look at me. I let a few seconds of silence pass between us before I shrug and turn toward him, easily repeating the statement. "I'm not afraid of you. Not even a little. So you're the phantom. Who cares? It doesn't matter."

Danny scoffs, shaking his head as he turns away from me.

I grab his hand, momentarily forgetting the green glow about them and he jerks his hands away as if I've burned him. But I'm the one that's on fire from his touch. I can't help the slight wince I make, running my thumb over my palm. Even though it feels like I've touched a stove burner, there's barely a mark on my skin.

"S-See? You r-really  _don't_  understand. Y-You should be afraid of me. I-I'm dangerous, Dash," he says, backing away from me when I look up at him again. He shakes his head, starting for his car and I know I can't let him get away.

I catch up to him in a few steps and grab his wrist, keeping a tight hold even though he's struggling. He manages to somehow slip out of my grip and he lets out a pained gasp, his eyes pleading as he meets my gaze.

"D-Dash, I-"

"You're wrong. You're not dangerous," I say, watching the way he seems to shrink in on himself at my words. He's not. Danny's nowhere  _close_  to being dangerous and I need him to understand that. "How could you ever be dangerous?"

Tears make their way down his face again and he shakes his head, wrapping his arms around his frame. "I hurt you," he says softly, looking away from me.

"Barely," I respond, waiting until he acknowledges me with a sigh before I repeat myself. "You're  _not_ dangerous, Danny."

Danny lets out a broken noise, looking back at me with fresh tears in his eyes. "Y-You just haven't seen it yet…b-but trust me, I am," he whispers, matching my step forward with one backward.

"I haven't seen even a hint of danger with you," I say, and he shakes his head, stumbling away from me. His whole body is trembling, the fear and cold wrapping itself around him like a second sweater, and I can't leave him alone. Not like this.

He spins around to face me when I grab his shoulder and with tears spilling down his cheeks, he lets out a shuttering breath. "No! Just stop, Dash!"

"Danny I-"

He cuts me off, his whole body shaking but his voice is strong when he speaks. "You want me to prove it? This is how fucking dangerous I am!"

Danny suddenly faces his car, extending a hand toward it. Just as quickly as he moves, the two coffee cups we left sitting on the hood explode, the contents of Danny's cup spraying in a wide arc over his car. A sickly green glow is hanging in the air and I take it all in with a sudden realization that until this moment… I've really had no idea what he's capable of. I exhale out heavily before I shift my gaze back to his.

His bottom lip is trembling and he shakes his head, a quiet sob escaping him. He tries to speak but nothing comes out and I step closer to him, despite his resistance at first. Softly, I place one hand on his cheek. I wait until he's holding my gaze before speaking softly with words I didn't know were in me.

"It's okay to be afraid, Danny. I don't blame you for that… all this shit sounds fucking terrifying. But no one expects you to have your shit together all the time. Trust me, okay? You're not gonna break just cause you break down." I gently brush my thumb across his cheek and he closes his eyes at my touch.

"You're okay," I whisper softly, leaning my forehead against his as my eyes fall closed. There are so many things I want to say in the silence but I can't find the words. So I settle on pulling him against my chest, hoping it's enough of a comfort for now. He slides his hands around my back, clutching handfuls of my shirt.

Danny's quiet at first but within a few seconds, he's trembling and sobbing in my arms, clinging to me like I'm his anchor in the moment. And for however long he needs me, I'll be that fucking anchor.

* * *

Even though I don't want to let him leave my arms, we both acknowledge how cold it is at some point and we climb inside his car, turning the heat up. The radio's playing softly as we both lean back in the seats, staring up at the roof.

Other than the radio, it's quiet between us for a long time. I sort through the questions circling inside my head before I settle on a handful. I don't want to make Danny feel like I'm interrogating him but curiosity is clawing at me with sharp nails and even sharper questions.

"So… is this like, cause you were born in space?" I ask, barely glancing at him as I ask the question. He doesn't look away from the roof as he processes what I've asked him and I'm not in any rush to force answers out of him.

Danny finally lets out a quiet breath, turning toward me a little but not meeting my gaze. "No."

He waits a split second before meeting my gaze, shaking his head with the movement. He turns more in his seat, settling his shoulder against the backrest before he speaks again. "There was… an accident. When I was fourteen." He leans forward to adjust the heat before sinking back in his seat with a heavy exhale.

"I was in my parents lab downstairs and… I don't know what happened. I was just standing near this machine my parents created, talking with a couple of my friends a-and…" He looks away from me then, keeping his gaze out the windshield.

He doesn't speak for a few seconds and lets out a sigh before he continues. "I saw this blinding green flash a-and then…" He gestures to himself with a humorless laugh. His gaze drifts away from me again and he stares out the window. He's answered my question and I could stop there but… I have more.

"And after the accident, you started… being able to do these things?" I don't know if I'm being as sensitive as the topic calls for but I'm banking on the fact that Danny's still responding. Clearly, he doesn't think I'm being an asshole.

He shifts a little in the silence, drawing his legs up onto the seat before resting his crossed arms on his knees. He keeps his stare cast toward the floor and the quiet stretches on for so long between us, I start to wonder if I spoke at all. But finally, he nods, dragging a breath in before he speaks.

"Yeah… it was like almost immediately after. Just little things at first. Like suddenly having more strength than I used to. Blending in a little better. I… remember waking up one day, like a month after, and my eyes looked green in the mirror. Really freaked me out at first but after a few seconds, they were blue again." He shakes his head, lifting his chin from his knees.

Danny closes his eyes for a split second and when he opens them again, I could swear his eyes are glowing the same green his fists were only a little while ago. He meets my gaze for a few seconds before he blinks, sending his eyes back to the blue I've memorized.

He shrugs, dropping his gaze as he returns his chin to his knees. "A c-couple days later, I disappeared in the middle of a class. I-I just blinked and I was standing on my front lawn. Th-That was a bit hard to explain to my parents and to my teacher..."

"Your parents don't know about any of this?" I ask.

Danny gives a laugh in the silence, the kind that would usually make me smile. But the lack of humor in the noise isn't lost on me. "No," he says, shaking his head as he jerks a hand through his hair. "No, they  _hunt_ things like me."

_What the fuck?_

I try to make sense of what the hell he just said but I don't understand it. He got these powers cause of an accident and yet, there are other people like him? That his parents are hunting…? How are they allowed to hunt down  _people_?

"My parents have been studying ecto-entities for years. Or ghosts, as my sister and I call them." He turns his gaze out his window, letting out a shaky breath. "Some people think that ghosts are just myths. And others believe that they're only creatures… faceless and nameless. My parents used to destroy them without a second thought, just like everybody else. And I think they'd still be doing that today if it wasn't for me… Well that and the fact that the government came calling."

Danny glances at me. "They offered my parents positions that would head up the research department in one of the classified branches of the government. It's a division known as the ecto-threat prevention. Rather than kill what they don't understand, the government is studying ghosts. Trying to learn from them. And now my parents are responsible for the same thing. They're trying to understand the things they used to hunt."

I'm not following what the hell he's saying and I guess it's clear from my expression cause he gives me a patient smile before explaining.

"You know those old stories about ghosts and spirits that everyone passes around? They're real, Dash. I've seen spirits before. My parents have fought them since I was a kid and they've ended most of the ones they've encountered." He exhales softly, sliding down further in his seat. "I never… thought about it that much until my accident. See… the thing they'd built – the machine that caused my accident – was a portal. From this world… into the one that belongs to the ghosts."

I feel a little like I've just tuned in to an episode of the twilight zone but I nod anyway, trying to understand what he's saying. If this wasn't important, he wouldn't be telling me it.

"They'd been struggling to get the portal to remain stable and the day of my accident, I turned it on. I didn't mean to, it just happened. And for a few hours, everyone thought I was dead. My parents had called an ambulance and I was rushed to the hospital but the doctors and nurses couldn't keep me stable. My heart rate kept plummeting and my dad told me that the doctors kept getting brain activity and responses from me even when my heart flatlined repeatedly."

Danny lets out a sigh, his gaze dropping to the floor as a frown tugs at his face. "I think that's when I knew I was different. Because the doctors had given up, shut off my oxygen and told my parents that I was gone. But when my parents were let into the room to say goodbye, I was sitting up and talking like nothing had even happened. M-My dad a-always says that it's a miracle I made it."

_Holy shit._ I want to say something to him – something more meaningful than my broken tongue has ever uttered before – and I open my mouth to at least try, but Danny glances up at me before I can and I lose my nerve. He holds my gaze for a few seconds, studying my expression, before he lets out a sigh.

"After that, my parents destroyed the portal and quit hunting ghosts for a while. Six months later, the government came calling and they left what they'd known their whole lives. My dad seems okay leaving it all behind but… I think my mom misses it a lot."

He looks away from me with a shrug. "It was only like a month after I got out of the hospital that I started noticing differences. I told my parents about them at first but the stranger the things got, the more I kept to myself. I think I stopped telling them about what had changed around the time they got the job offer. Which is kind of perfect considering the last thing I need is the government up my ass trying to figure out how the fuck I'm able to do these things."

Danny looks toward me, his face pink from either crying or the heat in his car. I'm guessing it's the first. "So now you know." He shrugs and the simple action makes him look smaller somehow. Like he's been holding himself together throughout this entire conversation but he can't do it anymore.

I let out a breath, not sure what to say. I turn my gaze to the roof of his car, still processing everything that he's said.  _Ghosts… spirits…_ Whatever I call them, that's what Danny's known his whole life. And since he was fourteen, he's been hiding his true abilities from his parents. And no one knows this secret but me?

"You said you started the phantom thing by accident," I say before I even realize I was thinking it. I turn toward him and he slowly nods. "What happened?"

He sighs, leaning his head back against his seat. Tears are gathered in his eyes but he blinks them away, exhaling shakily.

"I think it all started earlier this year… I was just practicing, seeing what I could do," he softly begins, letting his eyes fall closed. "I'd passed through objects before a-and I'd had a lot of practice with my sister but she never wanted me to do anything too dangerous. After she was gone, I-I started to practice on my own for a while, mostly at abandoned places, but I got bored and tried phasing into an amusement park that'd closed down for the night."

Danny opens his eyes, his gaze on the ground but a smile tugs at his face. "I was just walking around, snitching leftover food and looking at a few rides I'd never seen before. I think I just got careless because a security guard found me when I got too excited about a rollercoaster and decided to climb into it to check it out."

He shrugs, meeting my gaze again. "Anyway, after that, I kinda hid out again and didn't practice any of my abilities outside of my house until the summer. Whenever Jazz is home, I have a partner in crime and it makes things easier."

"Your sister?" I ask, running a hand down my face, still trying to make sense of nods and I continue before he can say anything. "Okay so… your sister knows about… all of this?"

"Yeah, I told her the year of my accident. I was really afraid that she was just gonna hand me over to our parents or something but she surprised me. She started covering for me when I was out late practicing, and she went along with me a lot to help, too…"

He shrugs, his eyebrows drawing down again as he shakes his head. "In the beginning, it was easy. Mom and dad would usually get home later than us and if they were home earlier, Jazz was good at coming up with lies. It really worked for the first few months but…"

Danny looks away from me, drawing in a breath. "Th-The things that my parents would hunt, the...  _ghosts_ … they have an incredible sense of tracking. They could smell me. Everywhere I went, they sensed me and most of them didn't like me. They'd blindly attack without a warning because of who my parents are and what they'd done to ghosts… e-even if I tried to explain, they wouldn't stop. A-And I could hear them. If they were near me at all, it's like we could communicate with our minds… b-but any time I tried to talk to them, they'd just start screaming. Always,  _always_  screaming."

He chews on his fingernails toward the last few sentences and I'd have to be blind to not see the trembling in his fingers. He tries to hide it but it's obvious. He's terrified and I don't know if it's because he's remembering it or if it's because he's telling me.

"A-Anyway… Jazz is really smart and she researched ways to ward off ghosts so that I… could be safe when I was outside our home. She found a couple of things but nothing worked until this," he says softly, tugging his shirt collar out of the way to expose a black marking on his shoulder. It looks like a tattoo in the shape of a flame with symbols carved into the center.

I can't stop myself from reaching across the seats to touch it and he groans softly, his eyes falling closed at my touch. I look up at him, studying the way the tension is written in his expression again. "Does it hurt?" I ask softly and he shakes his head.

Danny opens his eyes again and when he stares at me, I can't keep touching him. Because I'll kiss him in the quiet of his car and that would only complicate things.

I have so many more questions but I limit myself to one more, knowing that he'll break if I ask more than that. It takes me about five minutes to pick which question I wanna go with and in that time, Danny seems to calm down a little. I still keep my voice soft when I speak.

"Does um… s-so, this is why those agents were at school that day, yeah?" I ask softly, watching as he nods. He shifts a little, sniffling as he leans his head back against his seat. The sound stabs at me cause I didn't even realize he was crying again.

"Y-Yeah, um… I think they caught on to the things that I've been doing cause I-I've had a few agents chasing after me," Danny says, pushing his hair back with one hand. His face is blotchy and red from crying and it only makes me want to hold his hand and tell him he doesn't have to explain anymore. "I call them the guys in white… they have these weapons that work on me even when I'm able to pass through things… wh-when I'm intangible. They can… really cause some damage."

Danny twists a little in his seat, shrugging as he looks at me. I try to keep silent, to let that be  _enough_  but I'm worried about him and I can't stop myself from asking.

"Are they… still after you?" I ask, watching the way his gaze falls from my face. I draw in a breath, letting another question spill from me. "Do you need me to help you?"

He shakes his head. "No. They're still looking for the phantom but they don't know that it's me. I've been laying low since they showed up at school. And honestly, they're not-" he leans forward to adjust the heat before leaning back with a sigh, his gaze darting to me. "They're not really a problem right now. I mentioned to my parents about how those agents showed up at school and they said something about talking to their supervisors."

Danny shrugs and I guess I don't look convinced. "Seriously, it's fine. There's been kind of a long-standing feud between those agents and my parents… if anyone's gonna get them to back off, it's  _definitely_ my parents. So… relax, I'll be fine. I promise."

He squeezes his eyes closed then, pressing his head back into his seat as he wraps his arms around his knees again. Danny's silent for a few minutes before he lets out a soft breath, glancing at me again as he offers up another shrug.

I don't know how he does what he does and makes it look effortless but he's fucking beautiful as he wipes a tear from his cheek. God, I want to be the one that wipes away his tears for the rest of his days. And I want to be selfish in this moment and tell him. Just take his hand and place it over my heart, whispering that it's pounding because he's near, but now isn't the time. He needs a friend and even though I want so much more than that with this beautiful boy, Danny deserves what he wants. So for now, I'll be his friend. Until the day that I can kiss his fingertips and call him mine.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoo!
> 
> Welcome back to another week of the angstiest show on earth (kinda like the greatest show on earth? Circus reference anyone?)
> 
> All jokes aside, I've missed you guys and I'm so excited to finally be able to talk to you all about this chapter! So I'll cut right to it and save all the mushy thank you's for later
> 
> I noticed that Dash playing on his cracked rib was worrying a lot of you. Don't worry, the quarterback's fine…. for now ;p Ahem, anyway. Way to go with him and the scout/coach riiiight? Poor boy is still so lost in his own head that he doesn't know how to take a good thing when he has it. Kind of like how he's refusing to move in with Alex, huh?
> 
> What about poor Kwan? Isn't his shit horrible?
> 
> But anyway, I know the thing you're all thinking about the most. Dash FINALLY has confirmation that Danny's the phantom! I've wanted to tell you guys for so long that this part was coming but I didn't. I only released information about it on my tumblr a couple days back. So if you're not following me on there, you might want to so you don't miss out on future clues/snippets from chapters
> 
> I really hope you guys liked this chapter, I spent a long time working on it and I hope that my constant rephrasing of the phantom reveal scene has finally paid off. It'd mean a lot to me if you guys would leave me a review telling me what you thought of this update!
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from Fall Out Boy's "I've Got A Dark Alley…" (the title's a lot longer than that but if you look it up, you'll see what I'm talking about). I really love this song and when I was editing this chapter last week, this song came on and I was thinking about the shit that Kwan's dealing with and poor Dash not knowing when to take a good thing and fucking DANNY with holding in his secrets for so long… just, these poor kids
> 
> I also feel like Far Too Young To Die by Panic! At The Disco is a really good fit for this chapter. I don't know, something about the vibe it gives off is just very Stay to me
> 
> But anyway, that's all I have for this week's chapter! I really hope you guys liked it and if you did, make sure to drop me a review or hit me up on tumblr (jaeger-soul). I'd love to hear from any of you even if it's just lowkey screaming because of the angst ;P Thanks again for reading and I'll see you all next update!


	53. But Please Don't Bite

**From: Kwan**

_**Today's the day!** _

_**I'm ridiculously excited but also really nervous?** _

_**I've never done this before, should I be more worried than I am?** _

_**Also, are we still on for the matching costumes?** _

I can't help but laugh at the texts Kwan sends me on Halloween morning, reading them again as I roll over in bed. He's been talking about going to this club Jared told him about since the beginning of October but I don't think it's felt real to him until this past week. I've never seen him this nervous before but it's matched by his excitement and I'm pretty sure that's winning out.

Kwan mentioned something about not wanting to lose me in the crowd tonight and I told him I'd wear a costume he'd recognize. He insists I was the one that suggested matching costumes but that sounds more like something he'd come up with. Either way, I'm going as Batman tonight and he's my Robin. Cause we're fucking nerds.

Today marks a week since I've played a football game and my rib is pretty fucking thankful for that. These past few days have been a bit of a bitch to get through cause I'm almost out of painkillers. I'm saving a couple back for next Friday – the championship game. I can't risk losing the most important game of the season cause of my stupid rib.

Tonight should be easier though – I'm just gonna be hanging out with Kwan and Jared at some club I've never been to. There's a good chance I'll end up getting drunk and then I won't give a fuck about my rib or whatever I end up doing tonight.

I get out of bed, one-handedly typing a response to Kwan as I gather my clothes for the day. Most of my teammates were talking about wearing their costumes at school considering there's no game tonight but I texted Kwan last night to let him know that no fucking way was I doing that. Thankfully, he was relieved so I didn't have to re-evaluate our whole friendship.

My phone vibrates again with a response from Kwan as I pull on a shirt and I glance at it before I slide into a pair of jeans.

**To: Kwan**

_**Yeah man, of course** _

_**Watching you be nervous for Jared is kind of adorable lmao** _

**From: Kwan**

_**Shut up!** _

_**Just so you know, it's adorable when you're nervous with Danny, too** _

Ouch. Kwan knows exactly how uncalled for that was which is why he sends another text with a single emoji that's grinning sheepishly. I choose to ignore him for a few minutes to make him squirm before I respond with a picture of my face, my tongue stuck out.

The bruises are still dark under my eyes and across my cheekbones but nothing like they were when I went to the hospital. My side has gotten worse in both the pain and the color on my skin but... I'll deal. I'll use alcohol as my painkiller tonight, it'll be fine.

Just as I finish loading my backpack up with everything I can fit into it, I hear the front door open downstairs. I hesitate a few seconds before I sling my backpack onto my shoulder and steel myself, grabbing my jacket from my closet as a last attempt to seem casual.

I can hear dad talking, his voice drifting from the kitchen and I hope he's just on the phone. Despite Alex trying to convince me otherwise, I came home last night after dad was asleep. And given the tension in my gut, part of me wishes I hadn't done that. But I had to.  _No more hiding._

Even though I desperately feel the need to creep downstairs as quietly as I can, I don't let myself. I don't want to hide anymore. And besides, he'd eventually realize that I've left when my car disappears from the driveway.

Someone laughs in the kitchen and it's definitely not dad. I'm on the last stair and it decides to creak as I step off of it, drawing the attention of whoever's in the kitchen. Dad stops mid-sentence and after a few seconds, I hear his footsteps. I debate booking it to the door and ignoring whatever he calls after me but I don't. I just turn around when he steps into the living room, setting my jaw and steeling myself for whatever's about to happen.

For a few seconds, dad just stares at me and the silence is uncomfortable. There are so many things either of us could say but the quiet settles between us easily, like it's always been a part of us. Like the silence we share is equal parts tension and hesitation – each of us waiting for the other to make a move.

Dad exhales out before nodding toward my backpack, easily breaking the silence that I feel so trapped in. "You going to school?"

I nod, too exhausted to say anything. I'm tired of being afraid. But fear is stitched to my bones as easily as my own skin. I can't escape it anymore. So I stare at dad in silence for a few seconds until another pair of footsteps start my way. Chuck appears behind dad and he gives me a hesitant smile.

"Hey, Dash," he says, nodding toward me. I think his hesitation is mostly cause of whatever the fuck that went down between him and Alex at the hospital last week but I can't care right now. I'm too busy trying to make sure I look strong in dad's eyes. Otherwise this whole fucking thing is pointless.

I nod back to him, softly uttering, "hey" as a response before I look at dad. He meets my gaze and I feel my gut clench. Ordinarily, I'd probably just leave quietly or carefully phrase my words, especially with someone here, but I'm so fucking done doing that. "I'm gonna be out late tonight, just so you know," I say, shrugging when he raises an eyebrow.

Dad glances toward Chuck before he lets out a scoff. "Tell your mother I said hello."

The tension in my body reaches a whole new level as I softly exhale. Chuck looks between the two of us and part of me is glad he's here. Cause while he  _is_  making this whole exchange more awkward, he's almost like some kind of protection. A guarantee that dad won't lose it right now.

"I…" I trail off, knowing that I could just turn around and leave now. Not give him a goddamn response cause he doesn't fucking deserve one but I can't. I won't let myself duck my head and cower again. If I leave, I'm not running like some scared kid.  _Not anymore._

I clench my hands into fists, one of them curling around the strap of my backpack in an effort to look like I'm not shaking. But this kind of trembling goes far beyond simple fear. I'm so fucking angry too. "I really… shouldn't have to justify seeing my own mother."

Chuck's eyebrows rise on his forehead at the same time dad's draw down. Despite wanting to stay silent and just leaving cause the tension's climbing again, I continue. Because I'm not letting dad scare me into silence. "But since you sort of asked, I'm not seeing her. I'm going out with some friends tonight. So… don't wait up."

I feel their eyes on me when I turn away but I start for the door anyway, ignoring the feeling in my gut. The one that tells me if I walk away now, it'll only be worse when I get home tonight.

* * *

 

Kwan's seriously freaked by the time lunch rolls around but he's made me promise not to mention the club to any of our teammates, too nervous to admit that we're going to that kind of club tonight on top of his nerves about going there with Jared. So, I keep the conversation moving during lunch and eventually, Kwan relaxes into it.

It's been a week since Danny told me the truth about being the phantom and every day since, he's grown a little more confident in his decision to open up to me. We've been texting almost non-stop, him making a few shitty jokes about the situation and me doing my best to make him laugh. The trust that he's placed in me now makes my chest feel tighter every time I see him. I'm happy that he has someone he can talk to while his sister's not around and I'm  _really_  happy that someone's me.

My teammates are discussing weekend plans and talking about the party at Star's place tonight and though Kwan and I share a look, neither of us mention that we're not planning on being there. If Kwan decides he hates the club, then we might show up but I highly doubt he's not gonna love it.

As soon as the bell rings and my friends and I are heading toward the door, Danny falls in step with me. He gives me a smile when I look his way and he leans closer to me. "Hey, I've gotta go pick something up during my free period… you want to come with me?" he whispers, his smile widening when I immediately nod. "Cool… meet me in the parking lot."

Danny turns away from our group and heads down the hall when we leave the cafeteria. Maybe I'm just imagining it but he seems a hell of a lot lighter since he told me the truth. Like the weight of the world isn't so heavy on his shoulders anymore. I watch him for a split second before I'm pulled back into the conversation.

Paulina's grinning as she looks between Jeff and Kwan but I apparently missed whatever the fuck happened. The smile on Kwan's face looks genuine so I entrust him to our friends, patting him on the shoulder as I pass by him.

"I'll see you later," I say, giving him a smile before I'm heading down the hall after Danny. He's just stepped outside and he holds the door open when he notices me.

Danny's smile does something to my chest that no one else's does and I can't help but return his expression when I'm close enough. We start into the parking lot together and though all I want to do is hold his hand, I keep mine shoved deep in my pockets to avoid accidentally brushing by his. I won't be able to stop myself from grabbing his hand in mine if I touch him at all.

"You wanna take your car or are you cool with me driving?" Danny asks, unlocking his car when we reach it. He opens the back door and tosses his backpack inside before glancing toward me.

It takes me a split second to realize that he's asked me a question. "Oh, uh… y-your car's fine," I mumble, nervously rubbing the back of my neck as I cross over to the passenger side. He gives me a funny look before I climb in but he slams the back door closed before joining me in the front.

"You feeling okay? You're really flushed," Danny says, checking his rearview mirror before he clicks his seatbelt into place.

I don't know what to say. Thankfully, he's distracted so it gives me a few minutes to mask my face into something a little more neutral and get my mind away from thoughts of kissing his fingertips and telling him how beautiful he is.

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine. Just… weird day so far," I mumble.

Danny hesitates a second before he starts the car, turning to look at me as he lets out a breath. "Is it… something to do with your dad?" he asks, seeming like he's already regretting asking the question. "I mean… not that you have to tell me anything."

I haven't thought about what happened with dad this morning since I got to school. Probably cause I've been too busy distracting Kwan so he doesn't worry about tonight and distracting myself so I don't end up kissing Danny before the day's out.

"He kinda… I mean, I'm fine but he wasn't exactly… in a great mood this morning," I say, shrugging when Danny looks toward me. His eyebrows draw down so I speak before he can. "Seriously, I'm fine. He's just… I'm fine."

Danny lets out a breath, shaking his head as he turns his gaze to the parking lot. He backs out of the space carefully and starts out of the lot, the silence heavy between us. I turn my gaze out the window as we leave the school, wishing I'd just lied when Danny asked about my dad. Maybe if I said no, it wouldn't be so awkward between us.  _Fuck, why do I always have to make things awkward?_

"Just so you know… i-it's okay when you're not okay," Danny says, pulling to a stop at the red light. He waits a second before looking toward me with a pinched expression. "You don't have to have it together all the time when you're around me… I-If things suck, they suck and I don't want you to feel like you have to lie about it, okay?"

I try to fight back the smile that's tugging at my expression but goddammit, knowing that Danny cares about me like this makes me so fucking happy.

"Yeah, I know. Everything's fine though, seriously."

Danny smiles a little but it doesn't have his signature touch – I know he's just trying not to make me feel bad for making this about me  _again._ He nods before turning his gaze out the windshield again and I look away from him too. The silence that blankets us this time isn't uncomfortable but I still feel the need to say something, not let myself default back to the excuse that I suck with words.

"S-Same to you though… like… in general but also with this whole phantom thing. Like, feel free to tell me anything…?" I say more like a question and Danny seems to pick up on it.

He changes lanes twice before he glances at me with a soft sigh. "Is there something you want to ask me about it?" he asks softly and with a touch of weariness. Like he's afraid I'll say yes and afraid I'll say no. In truth, I have so many questions crowding up my brain and I shouldn't ask him anything but-

"I was just… wondering about your tattoo… mark thing?" I sort of ask, sounding like a complete idiot the longer I let myself ramble. "How… long have you had it?"

I've never seen it on him before – not even when I helped him change clothes at the beach party. Then again, I was a little distracted by those dark bruises littering his skin. The ones that some…  _ghost_ or government agent caused him.

Danny smiles softly and the expression seems genuine enough. He turns his gaze back to the road when the light turns green, easing the car forward until he can turn. "Not long. The day that you met my sister… that's the day I had it done," he says, taking another turn, chewing on his bottom lip before he continues. "I needed someone there with me in case I had some kind of weird reaction to it and Jazz is about the only person that knows. Well… her and a couple of friends. A-And now you."

His cheeks are flushed when I look at him but he watches the traffic in front of us – giving me the opportunity to watch  _him_. I want to tell him that I'll be here for him whenever he needs me but I don't think I'll be able to utter those few words without following them up with how I feel about him. And that's just a fucking disaster waiting to happen.

I watch Danny lean forward to fiddle with the radio dial. He lets some pop station softly drift through his car and even taps his hands against the steering wheel in time to the beat. I watch him for far longer than I should. Far longer than a  _friend_ should. But I almost memorize the way his hands hold the steering wheel and I'm so focused on his every move, I miss the fact that he's asked me a question. Danny lets out a soft laugh when I meet his gaze and judging from the heat I can feel on my face, I'm guessing that he can see the flush I'm wearing.

"S-Sorry, I blanked," I mumble, managing to offer up a sheepish shrug.

Danny inches his car forward at a red light before he glances back at me, a kind smile on his face. "It's cool. I was just wondering what you were up to for Halloween."

I almost tell him about the club but I don't get more than a single word out before I remember that I can't. Kwan chose to tell Danny about his sexuality but he doesn't want anyone knowing about the club tonight. Even though I trust him, I don't think it's a good idea to tell Danny about this without clearing it with Kwan first.

"Uhh… Nothing really. Maybe watch some cheesy ass horror movies, y'know? Probably gonna be hanging out with Kwan – shitty horror movies are kinda our tradition," I say, exhaling out a breath before I turn the question back on him. "What about you?"

Danny shrugs, switching lanes as he eases his car forward again. "I don't know yet. I have a couple of options but I don't know what I'll end up doing." He takes another turn and lets out a breath. "It's kind of deciding if I want to get drunk or not, really."

I can't help the laugh that leaves me and he smiles at the sound, keeping his gaze out the windshield as he nods. "Yeah, that's kinda where my head's at right now. Like… do I want to remember tonight?"

He eases his car to a crawl at a light before taking a turn and pulling into the parking lot of Amity Park's only CVS. He finds a parking space and kills the engine before glancing at me, a slight flush staining his cheeks.

"I… need to pick up my medication. I don't know if you'd rather wait out in the car or-"

Danny stops abruptly when I unbuckle my seatbelt. I respond with a grin before I tug the door open. He hesitates inside the car for a second before he follows me out, both of us slamming the doors closed at the same time.

He nervously swings his keys around his index finger a couple times before he pockets them and trudges into the pharmacy, subtly trying to steal a glance at me. Of course I notice him looking at me, my fucking heart is in too deep not to notice shit like that, but I don't let on that I see him. I keep my gaze on the sky or the store front or  _anything_  but the boy I'm walking with.

According to the pharmacist behind the counter, Danny's medicine isn't ready for pick-up just yet so we stroll the store, waiting for his name to be called over the intercom.

We flip through magazines and discuss at length which candies are the best and which snacks are  _definitely_  road-trip snacks. Danny looks through a couple of the Halloween decorations and shitty costumes still littering the shelves before his name is called.

He assures me I don't have to follow him but I don a pair of flashy shutter shades and trail after him. Danny lets me know that I look like a dork but he's grinning while he says it and I don't feel the need to ditch the corny glasses.

The pharmacist does a double take when she looks at me but she's quickly distracted by Danny. I casually lean against the counter beside him, out of view of the pharmacist, and pull faces at him. He awkwardly pauses between words and I can see him chewing on the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. Which only makes me snort.

As soon as she hands the medicine over to him, he glares at me. "Come on, you idiot."

Danny grabs my wrist and tugs me along behind him. Somewhere along the way, I ditch the glasses and let him lead me out of the store, laughing the entire time. Cause he's still flushing despite his own laughter. And god, no amount of bullshit with my dad or worrying about Kwan can take this moment away from me. Everything feels so much better when I can make Danny laugh.

* * *

 

The rest of the day seems to fly by and I'm on the way to Kwan's place by six, just in time to get there before Jared comes to pick us up. Kwan decided a couple days ago that the three of us should take a taxi to the club, considering we're pretty sure all of us are gonna get wasted and none of us want to destroy our cars.

I park my car at the edge of Kwan's driveway and climb out just as Kwan opens the front door, looking like he's somewhere between vomiting and running screaming down the street.

"H-Hey," he says when I come up the walk to his house. He pushes the door open wider for me to step through. I drop my duffel bag onto his couch and turn around to give him a grin. I'm pretty sure that Kwan isn't past the point of no return yet so a little teasing is in order.

"You're more nervous than you were on your first date with him," I say, watching the color flood my best friend's face as he scoffs. He looks away from me and gestures for me to follow him upstairs to get changed into our costumes.

I grab my duffel bag from the couch and sling it onto my shoulder again, following him up the stairs and teasing the entire time. He turns around when he pushes open the bathroom door and though he tries to glare at me, it loses some of its power with the flush still on his face.

"Sh-Shut up!" he whines, turning on the bathroom light before he takes the duffel bag from me. "My mom picked up the black makeup for our eyes, let me get that from my room." He leaves me in the bathroom so I sit on the edge of the tub.

From where I'm sitting, I can see Kwan rummaging around in his bedroom. I want to ask him about how he's doing, holding up, all that shit but… he's already nervous as fuck. I don't really want to add anything else to his mind. If he can forget about his parents for the night, I won't be the one to remind him.

Kwan returns with said black makeup and instructs me to stay put. He takes his time applying it to my eyes and fetches the Batman mask halfway through to make sure it looks right. After what feels like half-a-decade, he lets me check it out in the mirror and I have to admit, with the mask on, it looks pretty cool.

"M-My mom, um… she also gave me some of this stuff in case you wanted to… t-to cover the bruises," Kwan says, passing something to me that looks like what Paulina applied to my face just before the game.

The discoloration on my face was way worse last week but I take the tube from Kwan anyway and try to recreate what Paulina did. I think some of it mixes with the black makeup cause it comes out looking streaky and gross but it does cover up the bruises so I leave it.

Kwan nervously perches on the tub and lets me apply the black to his face too, putting the makeup in the shape of the eye mask that Robin wears. His job on my face definitely looks better but once he puts the mask on, neither of us can see the parts where I kinda went out of the lines.

The door opens downstairs as we're digging out our costumes and Kwan lets out a quiet breath, glancing to me with a hesitant smile. "Th-That's just my mom. She's going to a Halloween thing at her office but she wants to see us before she leaves for it."

Kwan starts pulling on his outfit and I strip my shirt off, going for a black sleeveless shirt underneath the suit instead of my bare chest as the girl at the costume store recommended. The last thing I need is for this suit to rip out what little hair I have on my chest.

I hear a small noise behind me and turn to make sure Kwan isn't caught in his costume. His gaze is on my chest and at the same time I realize that I'm still shirtless, he speaks.

"D-Dash… that looks… really bad," he says softly, taking a step closer to me. He places one hand above the bruising on my side and though his touch is gentle, I still find myself wincing. Kwan gives me an apologetic look, stepping back with a sigh. "Just… be careful tonight."

I shoot him a grin, slipping the shirt on over my head. "I'm not the one that's gonna end tonight with a roll in the hay, Kwan," I respond and his voice squeaks as he tries to defend himself.

Kwan's face is flushed but he manages to stick his tongue out as he pulls on the top portion of his costume. He slips the mask onto his face and takes a step back, spreading his arms wide as he looks at me. "Does it look okay?"

"You look fine, Kwan," I say, already knowing that he's asking because Jared will be here soon. When we dressed up as kids, neither one of us cared about what we looked like, we just wanted to score loads of candy and race down the sidewalks in each other's neighborhoods. It's been years since we've gone out and done something on Halloween other than a party at one of the cheerleader's places or stayed in with corny horror movies because I've been too bruised to move. Even though tonight is for Kwan, I'm more excited about it than I thought I'd be.

I finish suiting up and put my mask into place as well before I glance at Kwan. "Tell me if this looks stupid," I say and he shakes his head, almost immediately looking away from me. I groan, digging my phone from my pocket to look at myself in the screen.

Well… I've looked worse but this mask really isn't doing anything for me. I don't think I can pull off ears like this. Kwan definitely got the better costume.

"Ugh, even you know this looks dumb," I say, flicking my finger against one of the bat-ears. It wobbles a little and only makes the whole ensemble look dumber. This is… really sad-looking. I'm just a poor man's Val Kilmer.

"N-No, I don't… think it looks dumb at all. You're definitely a g-great Batman," he mumbles, grabbing his phone from his bed. He glances toward me again, his face flushed as he speaks. "You… always look good, Dash. I-If I can say this without you freaking out… th-then you should know that um… I-I've always thought you looked really good. I-If I had never met Jared, you might have… n-not that I would have  _tried_ to make you… I, uhh… yeah." He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly, letting out a nervous laugh.

I try to come up with something to say to the compliment but I realize Kwan's nervous laugh has nothing to do with Jared. It's more cause he just insinuated that he would want to be with me if things were different. I've never seen Kwan that way and even now, staring back at him, he's still just my best friend. Not even a hint of what I feel for Danny sparks to life in me as I take in Kwan's hesitant expression.

"A-Anyway, you don't… have to say anything to that," Kwan says, looking away from me as he exhales out a shaky breath. "I-I know you're not… used to feeling the way you do about Danny. I-I can't imagine you regularly look for that feeling around other guys."

"Not… really," I say, exhaling softly when he looks back at me.

Kwan nods, biting on his bottom lip as he silently gestures to the door. I grab his arm before he can leave the room and grin when he turns to look at me.

"Hey, if things were different, you'd still be out of my league," I say, giving him a wink that makes his skin flush again. He rolls his eyes but leans against the door, crossing his arms.

"I think you're wrong. You're definitely out of my league," he says and though I laugh, I almost want to ask him why he never suggested anything with me before. Probably for the same reason I haven't said anything to Danny yet. I don't even know if he's interested in guys but I really don't want to fuck things up between us.

"Boys, come on down here so I can see your costumes!" Kwan's mom calls from downstairs.

Kwan glances over his shoulder at the sound of his mom and he smiles so genuinely that it's hard to believe that a week ago, he was breaking apart in my arms. He lets out a breath before he looks back at me, that same smile on his face as he shakes his head. "Come on, Batman. Our awkward sexual tension will have to be put on hold for now. Gotham awaits." He flings his cape just under his eyes, wiggles his eyebrows at me, and rushes from his room. I can't help the laugh that spills from me as I follow after him. Tonight is gonna be so fucking good for him.

* * *

 

Jared shows up just past six-thirty and Kwan and I follow him into the waiting taxi cab. The drive is silent, save for the radio the driver has playing. Jared's holding Kwan's hand and though Kwan's smiling, I can feel his leg shaking next to mine.

Dryden is over an hour from Amity Park and I know the time is just adding to my best friend's the drive finally comes to an end, Kwan's practically shaking as he leaves the car. When Jared has his back to us, paying the cab driver, I squeeze Kwan's hand in my own. He glances toward me and seems to relax with a small sigh. I give him a thumbs up and let go of his hand as Jared turns to us again.

He gives Kwan a smile and takes Kwan's hand in his. "Come on, I really think you're gonna love this place. You're not nervous, are you?" he asks, glancing in Kwan's direction before leading him toward the door anyway.

I follow after the two of them, trying to look as casual as I can in a ridiculous Batman get-up, but Kwan's not the only one that's nervous anymore. I was only at one club in my life with Blake and Jeff in our freshman year. A couple of seniors took us out to welcome us onto the football team and the only thing I remember about that night is waking up with no clothes on at one of the senior's houses. I really hope tonight's not a repeat of that.

Jared walks inside Starlit Specters with a confidence that neither Kwan or I can pull off. And maybe it's cause he went for a casual zombie costume while Kwan and I are fucking Batman and Robin. Either way, it's obvious that we're not nearly as comfortable as he is.

It's dark in the club – just some hazy lights casting shadows throughout the club and across all of its occupants. A lot of people are milling about throughout the club – and thankfully everyone's wearing Halloween costumes. Off to the left of the front door is a secluded area where I can just see some booths and some dimmer lighting. I briefly wonder if that's the area where people go to make out before the sound of the stereo distracts me.

The DJ is playing a Kesha song and though I  _know_ Kwan's into it, his movements are stiff as he walks behind Jared. I trail after him, looking around at the dance floor and the bar off to one side, wondering how the fuck I got myself into this.

I glance at Kwan and he meets my gaze with probably the same expression I'm wearing. Both wondering how the fuck we're supposed to take in this atmosphere and at what point we're gonna make a fool of ourselves.

The three of us wander around the club for about fifteen minutes before Jared gets a look at our faces and insists on having a few drinks. We manage to find three stools together and Jared orders drinks for all of us. Aside from the cheap shit my friends can score and the liquor in Paulina's house, I'm not familiar with different kinds of alcohols so I have to trust that Jared's not getting something disgusting.

The bartender welcomes us to the club as he checks over Jared's most likely fake ID and prepares our drinks. He makes small talk with Kwan and Jared and though I want to make a few comments back, I end up staring down at my phone while they talk.

I debate on sending Danny a text, see what his Halloween is looking like, but I decide against it and click my phone screen off again. My gaze drifts around the club until Kwan passes a drink my way. He gives me a look as I take it from him and I return the look easily. Without words, we manage to make an agreement to leave if it gets too awkward but for now, I start downing the alcohol in front of me.

It's not the worst drink I've ever had but it's definitely not the best. I try not to make a face as I swallow a few mouthfuls of it and glance over to see Kwan taking a few tentative sips.

"Come on, let's dance," Jared says, tugging Kwan up from his seat. Kwan glances back at me, almost asking if I'm okay hanging out here and I wave him off. No way am I third-wheeling in the middle of the dance floor. I have two left feet anyway.

The bartender sets another drink down in front of me, making a face at Jared's disappearing head. "I don't know what's with your friend's taste buds but he picked a really shitty drink." He nods toward the glass. "Try that instead."

Usually alcohol is alcohol to me but whatever I'm drinking has me rethinking that stance. Shit, it's really good. I glance up at the bartender, giving him a small smile accompanied with a nod. "Thanks, that's a hell of a lot better," I mumble, taking another sip to chase away the taste of whatever the fuck Jared gave me.

I leave the bar after a few minutes cause it starts getting crowded with a bunch of people making orders and shit. I can see Kwan dancing and every now and then, Jared's face comes into view. I wonder if Kwan's having more fun now that some of the tension is gone from the situation.

The club is packed with so many people in various costumes and I'm just one in a thousand. I almost wish I'd asked someone to tag along with me so I wouldn't be here by myself while Jared and Kwan do couple things.

I manage to score a beer from the bar even with the crowd pressing in on me, and I nurse it as I wander around the club. I debate texting Valerie and asking her to show up but I don't know if Kwan wants her to know or not. He said he didn't care who knew that he's gay but still… it's not really my shit to tell. I could always tell Val that I came on my own and I'm here for me… I could probably easily tell her about how I've been feeling for Danny too…

After I squeeze through the crowd again, headed back toward the bar, I decide against calling Valerie. I don't want to think right now and that familiar tension is in my gut. I don't understand why I'm nervous aside from the fact that I'm in a fucking gay club and I've only ever felt things for  _one_  guy in my life. Despite being surrounded by guys pretty much my whole life, I've never thought of anyone the way I do Danny.

I'm so lost in thought, I plow straight into someone and almost knock them off balance. I grab the stranger's upper arms and help them stay upright, the words of apology on the tip of my tongue just as they look up at me.

"Sorry! Wasn't looking where I was going," he says, looking oddly familiar as he takes a step backward. The black hair I've become so familiar with flops into the boy's eyes and suddenly, I realize who it is.

Danny steps backward again, laughing softly. "M-My bad. Happy Halloween." He starts to turn around and I can't stop myself from grabbing his arm.

"H-Hey wait…" I trail off, unsure of what to say when he turns to look at me again. He raises an eyebrow and I drop my gaze, finally taking in his costume.

The skin-tight blue clothing, paired with handcuffs and a nightstick looped onto his belt, makes it obvious that he's aiming for a police officer. But none of the officers my dad works with look  _anything_  like that and I can only imagine that Danny's gone for one of the 'sexy' costumes. My face flushes when my mind starts running with things I'd let an officer like him do to me. As his fingers brush by those cuffs, I can't stop the groan from escaping me.

"Sorry, didn't mean to run into you, Mr. Wayne. Hopefully you can forgive me," Danny says, winking as he tips his hat at me. He unknowingly makes my heart pound and I realize that he doesn't know who's beneath the mask.

I attempt to give him what I hope is a seductive grin and the smile on Danny's face slowly quirks higher which I take as a good sign.

"W-Well… I don't take kindly to anyone revealing my identity in a crowded place like this. Maybe I sh-should take those cuffs a-and lock you up." I know I'm blushing and it sounds so fucking corny in my head but I somehow manage to keep the smile on my face.

Danny falters a little, a flush of his own creeping up his skin and staining his cheeks with my favorite color on him. He ducks his head, scratching the back of his neck and I feel the same way he does. Not wanting to end this moment but not entirely sure how to continue it either.

"M-My apologies, Batman. I'll leave Gotham in your hands," he says, doing a mock salute.

I don't know if I'm ready for him to realize it's me but I relax a little in my grin, jerking my thumb toward the exit with a shaky hand. "You… wanna get out of here with me?"

Danny raises an eyebrow, slowly shaking his head. "Sorry, but I'm on duty. You know how it is, being protector of this fine city and all. Not to mention I'm the one that warns kids against hanging around strangers… It probably wouldn't look good if I leave here with one myself," he says, his smile widening as he tips his hat again. I almost want to end this game and tell him it's me. But I think he's having just as much fun as I am.

"How can I be a stranger when you already know my identity?" I ask, folding my arms over my chest as I take a step closer to him. He holds my gaze for a few seconds before he lets out a small laugh. The smile is still on his face but the atmosphere between us has changed. I don't know what caused the shift in him but I recognize it and give him a little more space.

He glances up at the movement, curiosity in his eyes, before he shakes his head. "Sorry but I… can't really do that with a clear conscience. I'm sort of involved with someone else so… it wouldn't be right," Danny says, smiling as his words pierce their way through my heart.

I don't know how but I manage to smile back and tell him I'll catch him later, even managing to throw in a wink. He leaves then and I numbly move around the club again, finding an empty booth near the back of the place to collapse into.

Kwan and Jared have completely disappeared from my line of sight and I wonder if it's too early to text him, asking if I can leave. I don't want to be here knowing that the reason Danny's here is to probably meet up with someone. Maybe he met someone online like Kwan did all those months ago. Or maybe he's meeting up with someone that means the world to him already. Fuck, why did I have to like flirting with him so much? If I'd just let him go when he apologized for running into me, I could have gone on pretending that he's alone. God, I want him to be happy but why can't he be happy with me?

* * *

 

I'm not sure how long I sit at the table, ignoring every drunk girl that stumbles my way. Even a couple of guys stop by me but I send all of them away with a look. I don't want to be alone but I don't want the company of a stranger either. If I talk to anyone, I'd probably end up going home with them and I really don't want to wake up in a stranger's bed tomorrow.

The crowd has thinned out around the bar so I head back toward it, intent on just having one more drink before I take off for the night. I'm digging out my phone to text Kwan that I'm gonna split when I see him.

Kwan waves when he sees me, wading through the crowd until he's in front of me. "H-Hey…" he pants and judging from the grin on his face, I'm guessing he's loving the club. Despite my head being so filled up with thoughts of Danny, I return the smile.

"Hey man. You enjoying yourself?" I ask, glancing around for Jared. I don't know where he's disappeared to but Kwan doesn't seem concerned with it.

"Yeah, it's… exactly what I've always pictured. Minus the costumes," he laughs softly, glancing over his shoulder before looking back at me. His eyebrows draw down as he lets out a breath. "Sorry… I feel kind of like I abandoned you here. Jared and I are gonna hang out in a booth for a while, order some drinks and food. You want to join us?"

Chilling out with food and people I actually know sounds like more fun than getting wasted and trying to forget Danny's face. But this is Kwan's first time in a club like this. I don't want to ruin it for him by hanging around him and his boyfriend when I'm pretty sure that Jared likes privacy. Besides, it's not like I'm exactly great company right now.

"Nah, that's cool. I might take off early though if you're okay?" I ask, pausing before I add, "I'll text you if I leave."

Kwan nods, giving me a smile as he reaches out to squeeze my shoulder. "Th-Thanks for coming tonight. You've made this a lot less terrifying." He ducks his head as a flush starts on his skin and excuses himself before I get the chance to tease him.

I watch him go for a few seconds but I eventually lose him in the crowd and start for the bar. I dig out my phone as I walk, looking up the number for a taxi when something catches my focus.

Across the room, Danny is pulling some guy out the door. I don't catch what the guy looks like and it's probably cause I can't tear my gaze away from Danny. He's holding hands with the guy and my own palm aches at the thought of touching him. Danny turns to smile at the guy as he stops to pull open the door and my chest constricts painfully. The door closes in slow-motion after them and I'm pretty sure I've gone deaf, the sound of the closing door ringing in my ears like a gunshot. I'm barely thinking straight as I settle onto the barstool, the sound of the club slowly coming back to me.

I tear my mask off and let it fall to the ground, really not giving a fuck if something happens to it. I don't want to think. I don't want to feel anymore. I want to be numb until I don't remember what it's like to see Danny smiling at someone else. Touching someone else. Probably  _fucking_  someone else and even though my mind has no right to picture it, I can't stop torturing myself by wondering what it feels like to hold him. What it sounds like to hear his panting breaths, his every moan, his-

A place like this is perfect for what I need and I order a round of shots, the bartender delivering it without a problem. He sets up six glasses in front of me and leans on the bar, watching as I down the first shot. I hate the way the alcohol burns on the way down but I don't waste time, draining another one within seconds.

God, why did I have to see Danny tonight? And why with that guy?  _Shot._ Who the  _hell_  has got his attention?  _Shot._ And why the fuck am I so jealous?  _Shot. Shot._

"Someone must've really pissed you off," the bartender says, moving from his spot against the counter to pour me another set. He pushes the first glass closer, leaning on the bar in front of me. "Lover's spat?" he questions, a smile playing up his features.

I barely glance up at him as I take the first shot, feeling the burn subside after a few seconds. Why hasn't Danny ever mentioned this guy? Is this a first date type of thing? Or has Danny known him for a long time and doesn't want anyone in Amity Park to know about him? Does he not want  _me_ to know about this guy?

"Believe me when I say, you're not the first person to come here tonight to drink away your problems," he says, offering up a smile that I can't return. "I'm Gregor." I drop my gaze and he only continues. "And by the way… I've seen a lot of Batman and Robin's come through here tonight but you and your boyfriend are by far, the cutest."

A snort leaves me as I throw back another shot. "He's not my boyfriend."

The bartender, Gregor, has his eyebrows raised when I look back at him and I can't help but notice that his eyes are green. They remind me of the night Danny told me the truth about being the phantom and how his eyes practically glowed when he showed me the color.

"Oh?" Gregor asks, shifting a little against the bar. "So he's your… friend?"

I nod, running my thumb against the side of the shot glass as I drop my gaze. "Y-Yeah, he was really…" I exhale out, shaking my head. "He was really nervous about this whole thing. Didn't really know what to expect from a place like this so I told him I'd come with him and…"

There's not much more to say so I down another shot, loving the way it burns. It keeps my mind from every fucked-up thing running through it and keeps my hands busy as I find the next glass, tracing the rim with my index finger.

"Ahh… so… he's not straight then? But you are?" Gregor asks, giving me a smile when I look up at him. "A lot of people do that for their friends. I promise I won't let the guys start hitting on you." He gives me a wink and I have to drop my gaze, responding with a shrug.

I don't… really care if anyone hits on me anymore. Right now, I think I'd welcome it just so I don't have to feel so fucking alone.

"What? You start questioning things when you have a few drinks in you?" Gregor laughs, his eyes sparkling when I meet his gaze again. His hair is dyed white and I love the way it contrasts with his tanned skin. He has a single earring in his right ear and I find myself focusing on it.

My mind is buzzing with the alcohol I've already consumed but I reach for another shot, swallowing it down before I respond. "K-Kind of." Even when I'm not drunk, I think about guys. Well… more like Danny. I'm fucking always thinking about Danny. God, how far would he let me take things if alcohol was coursing through both of our veins and it was just the two of us? Will he ever like me more than whoever the fuck is wrapped around him?

Gregor leans forward, his fingertips resting on the inside of my wrist. I wonder if he can feel my pulse. Tell how hard my heart's pounding as his husky voice captures my attention. "So… you're a little curious then?" he asks, the smile reaching his eyes when I look up at him. "You'd like to know how another man tastes?"

I don't know what to say and I want this question out of my mind. I don't want to forever wonder what it's like to kiss another guy or wait around for the day I finally get the balls to kiss Danny. I want to know the answer tonight.

Gregor's smile widens and he leans forward. My breath is caught in my throat and my heart is fucking pounding the closer he gets to me. I want to end this slow torture. Just lean forward so my lips meet his but I'm frozen in place, gripping the seat of this stool so hard, it'll permanently have my fingerprints.

Pure  _need_  is coursing through my body as he inches his way closer to my lips. No one's around to see me have my first kiss with a guy and I want it. I want it so fucking badly but it's not Gregor I see in my mind. Danny's the one leaning closer to me and it'd be a fucking dream to press my lips to his but it's not Danny. It'll  _never_  be Danny.

The warmth of Gregor's breath disappears from my skin as I turn my head away from him. My heart is hammering in my chest as I let out a slow breath, shame crawling over me at the realization. I didn't let him kiss me not cause I don't want it… but cause he isn't Danny. How fucking pathetic am I?

Gregor lets out a breath, patting my arm before he pulls back. "Maybe next time then." He gives me a final smile before he disappears, filling orders for other customers. I watch him for a few seconds, smiling at everyone that talks to him, and wonder why the fuck I didn't just let him kiss me so I could stop wondering what it's like.

My fingers are shaking as I grab the last shot glass and down it in one go, pushing away from the bar as soon as the glass is empty. I'm unsteady on my feet but I manage to make it away from the bar, only glancing back to see if I can find Kwan. When I don't see him immediately, I turn to leave, planning on just texting him, but I'm stopped by someone.

A girl with bright green hair and a face so painted, I can't tell what she's supposed to be dressed as, has her hand on my arm. She gives me a smile that has my mind going places it shouldn't be, considering I almost just kissed a  _guy_.

"You dropped this," the girl says, handing me the Batman mask I took off. I glance down at it in her hand before I take it, brushing my fingers by hers on purpose.

She responds the way I want her to, her smile widening as her eyes narrow. I wonder if her mind's going the same place mine is but judging by the heat in her expression, I think it is. "You can call me Kitty."

"Well, thanks, Kitty," I say, returning the smile she's giving me. I take a step closer to her, my fingers finding her hipbone. Her eyebrows raise as I run my knuckles against her skin, my fingers brushing her shirt up a little higher.

Kitty stands on her tiptoes, her breath hot against my ear as she grinds her body against mine. "You want to get out of here, Batman?"

I think I respond with something cool but I don't remember. I just know that she's all hands and breathy moans and I don't hesitate to kiss her. It's so much easier with girls. Everything makes sense when I'm with a girl. Guys are confusing and I don't want to be confused right now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooo! Looks like Dash is having quite a good Halloween, huuuuh? ;p
> 
> Welcome back, I hope you enjoyed this update. When I first started editing this chapter, I didn't think it was that strong but by the time I finished editing, I ended up liking it more than I did when I finished writing it. That's one great thing about finishing a chapter and letting it sit for a little while. It gives me the distance I need so I avoid deleting scenes that are fine but I've been staring at them too long to the point where I think every part of the chapter sucks
> 
> What did you think of this update? I know it's not as plot heavy as last chapter but I still like it. I feel like it adds a little something to Dash's character as well as gives some insight into how poor Kwan's doing despite the shit with his parents. But that's just my opinon, I'd love to know yours
> 
> Dash's reference of Val Kilmer has to do with my favorite Batman movie – Batman Forever. It stars, obviously, Val Kilmer as Batman, Chris O'Donnell as Robin, Nicole Kidman as the love interest, Tommy Lee Jones as Too-Face, and Jim Carrey as The Riddler. You guys. I can't even tell you how much I love that flick. The cast is fucking amazing and the ANGST is killer – if you're ever curious about where I got my love for torturing characters, it's probably 90% of the stuff I watched growing up. Batman Forever being one of them
> 
> So, Gregor, huh? I gotta be honest with you, I fucking love him – even though he was a total douche in canon. I love when stories just casually reference him or he ends up in a scene somewhere. Originally, Gregor was going to be a player for another football team that the Ravens played against but instead, he ended up being Dash's gateway to the land of homo lmao
> 
> To clear things up a little for anyone that might be confused: If I reference a canon ghost character like Kitty, odds are, they're not a ghost in this universe. The ghosts in Stay aren't as sentient as they are in canon. They're more like how Danny described them, faceless and nameless (or something to that degree) So, have no fear. Dash is not hopping in bed with a ghost. He is however hopping in bed with a girl that has a boyfriend with rage issues… I'll let you guys think that one over ;p
> 
> Now… about the title. There's a song by Troye Sivan called BITE. He wrote it about his first time in a gay club and the second I heard it, I knew it was going to be a title for a chapter of Stay. It wasn't until I was writing this chapter that I realized where it fit so perfectly and I'm so happy that it does. The lyric I used is the opening of the song and in full it goes, "Kiss me on the mouth and set me free, but please don't bite". If you haven't heard it, you really, really should. It's such a great song and it reminds me of this chapter so much. Also for kicks, here's some other songs I feel like probably played in the club:
> 
> We R Who We R – Kesha, Welcome To New York - Taylor Swift, Despacito Remix – Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee, and Justin Bieber, and finally Dance, Dance – Fall Out Boy
> 
> Anyway, that's pretty much everything I have to say about this chapter. I'm really happy to have it up now and I can't wait to hear what you guys have to say about it. I hope you've enjoyed it and please consider leaving me a review/comment with your thoughts – I appreciate hearing from you more than you know
> 
> I'll see you guys next update!


	54. Like A Heart Needs A Beat

Ugh. My head is killing me. Or has killed me.  _Am I dead?_

I groan loudly and my head fucking hates me for making a sound. Light is coming from somewhere and it's shining right into my eyes. It tries to drag me from sleep but I cling on with the will of my exhaustion. I'm able to block out most of the light with my arm strategically flung over my eyes. What I can't block out is sound.

Some stupid ass dog is barking its fucking head off and irritation courses through me like it's my own blood.  _Why can't you just take your dog inside? Some people are trying to fucking sleep._

I turn toward where my window is, or rather – where the light is coming from, only to see two windows on either side of a bed that definitely isn't mine.

Gingerly, I sit up on the mattress, feeling the pounding in my skull increase ten-fold. I try to stay upright and not let this hangover get the best of me but I end up leaning my forehead against my knees and breathing pretty fucking shallowly.  _Fuck, this hurts._

Once the world stops spinning in front of me, I lift my head despite the pain and take in the room I'm in. The events of last night start coming back to me in flashes and I sweep my gaze to the ground in search of my clothes.

My boxers are lying near the edge of the bed and a hot flush of shame washes over me. I spent last night with a stranger. God, I haven't hooked up with a girl I don't know since freshman year. Since then, it's been mainly Paulina or another cheerleader if Paulina and I were in the middle of a fight.

I slide as close to the edge of the bed as I can and quickly tug my boxers back on, only standing up when I think my head can handle it. My jeans are closer to the door and I steal them quickly, tugging them on before whatever the fuck I drank last night hits me.

A door is open to my left and I pray to every deity I know of that it leads to the bathroom. Cause otherwise I'm throwing up last night's alcohol all over this girl's bedroom floor.

Someone upstairs must be listening to me cause I manage not to vomit in anything other than the toilet. My body heaves as I come up for air but after a few seconds, I'm down again, puking out everything in me. Fuck, I haven't thrown up in so long.

After a few minutes of my stomach retching over its own acid, I lean back from the toilet and flush. My legs wobble underneath me but I manage to pad my way over to the sink. I wash my hands and face, rinsing my mouth to get the taste of last night out of it.

I stare back at my own reflection like it somehow holds the answer to whatever the fuck I'm supposed to do from here. But the scent of coffee reaches me before I come to a decision. God, I'd fucking kill for some caffeine right now. It always helps with the bitch of a headache I have during hangovers.

I hesitate longer than necessary but after double checking that no, my shirt is  _not_ in the bedroom, I leave the room, closing the door behind me. I can hear music from further in the apartment and I slowly start toward the sound, taking a glance around what I'm guessing is some make-shift office in the middle of the apartment.

The girl from last night, I'm pretty sure she said her name is Kitty, is standing in front of the stove, humming softly to whatever song she's playing from her phone. Her back is toward me as she stirs a pan of scrambled eggs with a spatula and I take a quick glance around the kitchen area. It's tiny, even for an apartment. Off to one side of the room, practically in the living room is a table with two mismatched chairs tucked underneath it.

After I trust my voice enough to speak, I clear my throat to let her know I've resurfaced from sleep. I offer up a sheepish smile when she turns to look at me. "Morning," I mumble, shuffling forward a few steps to get near her.

I scratch the back of my head, glancing around the room again to give myself something to do. "Um… any idea where my shirt is?"

Kitty frowns, glancing behind her at the living room. "Probably on the couch." She pauses, her gaze lingering on the bruises on my side. "I'm… guessing you don't remember but we started there first."

My face heats up and I quickly leave, finding my shirt flung over the back of the couch. I slip it on over my head and start into the kitchen again, giving her a smile that she's quick to return.

She gestures to the counter beside her. "You want some coffee?" She gets one look at my face and frowns, turning around to grab a mug. She fills it almost all the way full with the sweet caffeine and passes it off to me. "Creamer and milk are in the fridge. Sugar's on the table."

Kitty returns to stirring the scrambled eggs and swaying along to the music playing. I retreat to the table after I've added the necessary cream and milk, slowly adding in the sugar. Everything hurts so fucking badly and I take in one hot gulp after another of coffee.

"I hope you like your eggs scrambled," Kitty says, crossing over to the table. She sets down a plate in front of me before adding a few slices of bacon along with a biscuit. Oh  _fuck_ , this smells amazing. It might just be the hangover talking but it tastes fucking phenomenal, too.

Kitty smiles as she joins me at the table. We're silent at first, probably both reliving how last night went down, and I just focus on shoving the food into my mouth.

"So, last night was fun," Kitty says, breaking my train of thought. Of course I've shoved half a biscuit in my mouth when she talks and of  _course_  she's looking at me for a response.

I swallow what I can manage to and force the rest down with a scalding mouthful of coffee. "Yeah, it was…" I busy myself with another gulp of coffee and wonder how to tell her that I don't normally do this shit. That I don't normally go home with strangers and I definitely don't normally let them put their hands and mouth on me the way I'm sure I let her.

"I haven't hooked up with a stranger in a long time but you were pretty cool last night," Kitty says, laughing at whatever expression is on my face. "I really appreciated the singing part, that was new."

Heat floods through me and I can't hold her stare. I probably made a fucking fool of myself.

"Y-Yeah, I… haven't gone home with a stranger in forever," I mumble, using my coffee as an excuse to give me a second to think of what the fuck to say. "Since like… freshman year."

Kitty cocks an eyebrow at me, a laugh tumbling from her. "Is that to say that you're a junior now?" she asks, narrowing her eyes at me. "Don't tell me I just deflowered a sophomore."

Fuck, is she  _trying_ to embarrass me?

"I-I just said that you're not the first person I've… you couldn't have…  _deflowered_  me. I've… fuck, never mind." I run a hand down my face, not bothering to finish my sentence. She laughs just the same and I have the strength to send her a glare. "To answer your question, I'm a  _senior_."

She nods, relaxing into her chair. "Good. I'm kinda out of the whole dating younger guys phase, y'know? Like, it's fun at first but college guys get so  _stale_  after a while."

I actually choke over my coffee. Full on sputtering complete with wheezing as soon as my airway is clear again. Kitty looks torn between giving me the Heimlich and leaving me to die.

"What…?" she asks, a hint of hesitation in her voice as soon as I'm breathing again.

A second passes in silence before I meet her gaze and heat instantly floods her face. She averts her gaze and pushes away from the table. She stands up, pacing in front of me as shame crawls over her expression.

"Oh my god, you meant high school didn't you? You're a senior in  _high school_?" Kitty pushes her hands through her hair, shaking her head at me. "Fuck, if I'd known you were just a kid, I  _never_  would have brought you home with me."

I drain the last of my coffee, carefully setting the mug down again before I look up at her with a shrug. "Doesn't matter, really. I'll be eighteen in a few weeks so it's not like it's that illegal."

Kitty gives me a look. " _That_ illegal. You're like… oh god, ew." She shakes her head again and leaves the kitchen. She paces through the living room a few times and comes back with a pile of my shit, including my phone and shoes.

"Here, you need to… just go, okay? This is… fuck, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were so young, I'm… this was a mistake, I'm sorry," she says, holding my phone out toward me.

I push back from the table, giving her a shrug along with a smirk. "So... if college guys are stale, what are high school guys?"

She blanches, thrusting my shit against my chest. Her face is beyond red and she shakes her head repeatedly. "H-Here, take it and leave. Trust me, you want to get out of here before-"

A key turns in the lock and we both look toward the door at the sound.

"Fuck, shit, shit, shit." Kitty tosses a glance at me but the door swings open before she gets a chance to say anything other than the swears.

A guy with stringy blonde hair and a greasy white t-shirt stumbles in through the front door. He notices Kitty first, his glassy eyes taking in her appearance. He smirks as he wobbles forward a step toward her, kicking the door shut behind him. "H-Hey… baby," he slurs.

He staggers another few steps forward before his gaze shifts to me. I'm almost pinned in place under his stare but after a second, I push out a breath, clenching my hands into fists at my sides.

"Kitty… who the fuck is this?" he questions, glancing at Kitty but jabbing a finger in my direction.

She shakes her head, sparing me a glance before she's focused on him. "No one, Johnny." She turns him back to her when he starts to face me. "Hey, come on. You're drunk, okay? Just go to bed and sleep it off. We'll-"

He pushes away from her, fixing me with a death stare. "You like fucking someone else's girl?" he demands, taking a step toward me. The tension is hanging in the air and he suddenly takes a swing at me. Years of practice with dad as my sparring partner have taught me how to duck and I avoid his fist just in time. Kitty tugs on his arm and yells at him to get him away from me.

Johnny's attention is quickly brought back to her and I manage to duck under his arm and move away from him, facing the two of them as I back away.

"God, Johnny!" Kitty says, shoving the guy backward. He shifts his glare from me to her and she scoffs, slamming her palms into his chest. "So you're the only one that can sleep around now? What, I have to get your  _approval_  or something?"

I take another step backward, trying to just slip past the two of them and out the door but Johnny's watching me and he closes the distance between us, despite Kitty yelling at him.

He throws a punch that connects with my jawline this time and I don't manage to duck from the second one. Johnny gets my eyebrow and a hit to the nose that brings tears to my eyes as the taste of blood clogs my mouth. Kitty's yelling as she steps between us and it's enough to distract him. His stare drops from me again and though I'm thankful for the human shield, they're both blocking my path to the door. Fuck, why didn't she tell me she had a boyfriend?

"You have no idea who this guy is, Kitty. You just picked him up at a bar or some shit and brought him home. If you're gonna fuck someone else, at least be fucking smart about it," Johnny says, attempting to step past her to get to me again.

Kitty stops him by grabbing his arms and fixes him with a glare. "You said you  _wanted_  to have an open relationship. I'm just playing by  _your_  rules," she snaps, pushing him backward again.

The path to the door is clear now and when Kitty glances back at me, I take off. I'm halfway down the hall before I stop to tug my shoes on and slip my phone into my pocket. I've always seen that kind of shit in movies. I never thought I'd one day be on the receiving end of some guy's fist cause I'd slept with his girlfriend but… I guess there's a first time for everything.

* * *

Holy fuck. My nose is beyond help. It's completely swollen up and blood is  _caked_ under my nose and across my eyebrow.  _Fuck Kitty for having a boyfriend. Fuck me for sleeping with her. Fuck me for not getting out of the way of his fists._

I'm standing in the bathroom of a café only a block down from the apartment I woke up in. My eyes are watering again as I scrape the blood from under my nose and across my eyebrow with balled up pieces of tissue. The force with which I'm having to actually scrape to get the blood to clear hurts worse than the actual hits did.  _Fuck me_.

Some impatient fucker comes back to the bathroom door to knock for the third time and rather than say it's occupied again, I give up on my face. It's bound to look fucked up for at least a couple of days. So I swipe another piece of tissue under my eyes to clear away most of the lingering black from last night's costume and I start for the door.

The guy waiting on the other side of the door looks up when I open it and he blinks when he gets a look at the damage my face has sustained. Guess there's no denying that somebody took a couple of swings at me but hey – at least it looks better than when dad gets his hands on me.

"You should see the other guy," I respond, curling my lips up into a smirk that's easier to force than I thought it'd be. I step around him and he slips into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

I don't really have to think about what I'm doing before I fall into the line forming in front of the counter. I need more coffee already, despite the cup I had at Kitty's place before her boyfriend attempted to rearrange my face.

It's only nine, but there's a text from Kwan already waiting on my phone and I read it over while I wait in line. He's talking about how much he loved the club and I send a text back, telling him I'm glad he had a good time before the line clears and I move up to order.

The coffee I ordered doesn't take long to be ready and I leave as soon as it is. A bus station is only a block from the café so I make my way to it and pay the fare. Last night didn't feel that cold but this morning sure as hell is. I cross my arms against my chest, still clutching my coffee cup, in an attempt to keep warm as I sit on a bench just outside the station.

My phone lights up with Danny's name and normally I'd read over his text instantly. But I can't bring myself to. Last night left a hollow feeling in my gut and I pocket my phone again without even looking at his message.

The bus I'm supposed to be on for a ride back to Amity Park is boarding and I join the throng of people heading toward it. I find a seat near the back and slump down on it, staring out the window as the bus rolls away from the curb. Everyone on here looks just as exhausted as I feel and a couple of people give me weird glances. I try not to make eye-contact with anyone – I already know my face looks horrendous, I don't need a group of strangers to tell me that much.

We're stopping every few minutes to pick up more people and the bus hasn't even hit the main stretch of road before my phone starts to ring. The sound is piercing to my hangover-sponsored headache and I growl at the random string of numbers on my phone. The bus is still pretty empty and I don't want whoever the fuck is calling me to leave a message I'll have to listen to later. I hit answer on the call and press the phone to my ear.

"'Hello?" I mumble, sinking down further in my seat as rain starts falling outside.

Whoever's on the line lets out a breath. The sound of the rain and the bus driving over the pavement is loud amidst the almost silence I'm getting from my phone.  _"Hey… it's me."_

I don't know who the fuck 'me' is supposed to be but I need a little more context than that. I watch the raindrops hit the window, pushing out a breath of my own, before I respond. "Yeah? Who's that?"

" _Dash… it's me. It's mom."_

Everything suddenly feels surreal as I let out a breath, my hand suddenly shaky around my phone.  _Mom_. She's calling me. It feels like it's been forever since I heard her voice. Since I talked to her. She told me she'd call but… she never said when.

"Wh-What's… going on?" I finally ask, my voice cracking and breaking on the question. Why the hell is she calling me now? Did something happen? Fuck, is she-

" _Can you meet me today? I'll come pick you up if you want me to, just… there's a lot we need to talk about,"_ mom says, her voice sounding strange intermittent with the static on my end.

A lot to talk about… like what Coach told me about her?  _Fuck._  I almost forgot how betrayal tastes but it's sitting in the back of my throat again and I don't have an answer for mom. I don't want to see her. But  _god_ , I want to see her.

I run my hand through my hair, squeezing my eyes closed as I lean my head back against the bus seat. "Um…" I don't know where to start. How am I supposed to talk to her when she's been lying to me all this time? What was going through her mind when she told Coach not to tell me if colleges were interested in me or if I had a real  _future_ in store?

The silence starts to scratch at me and I finally settle on answering her question, letting out a quiet breath as I untwist the words in my head. "Yeah… I can meet you. Uh, it… might take me a bit though. I'm on a bus right now, on my way home. I'm in Dryden right now but the drive back shouldn't be too long, s-so… I'll let you know when I'm home again."

Mom's silent on her end for a few seconds.  _"Dryden? What… are you doing, sweetie?"_

I exhale out heavily, running my hand through my hair before finally opening my eyes to stare up at the roof of the bus. "I was… at a… thing with a friend last night… For Halloween and… I'm on my way back now."

I don't know what she expected my response to be and I feel the need to explain it but there's nothing left to say. I don't want to talk about Kwan or the way I've been feeling or… really anything with mom. What Coach told me is still chewing at my insides, keeping me from telling her anything. And besides… she hasn't been in my life for almost a year. It'd take too long to catch her up.

" _Alright, listen… just get off at the next bus stop and call me back. I'll come get you. I'm in Dryden too so, I'll see you soon, okay?"_  mom asks and I desperately try to give myself a reason to say no. It's not that I don't want to see her, I just… god, if what Coach said is true, I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with seeing her now.

The other passengers on the bus look my way when I end the call after agreeing but I settle back into my seat, staring out the window as I wait for the next time the bus shutters to a stop. I hope whatever mom has to say to me is something easier to swallow than the image of Danny wrapped around some other guy.

* * *

I'm leaning against the side of a bookstore when a car pulls up in front of me. I look up from my phone and the first thing I notice is how sweet that ride is. I prefer cars that can take a beating without crumpling like a tin can but still. The Audi my mom's driving is fucking sweet.

"Nice wheels," I say, crouching down to look in the open passenger window. Mom gives me a smile and I open the door, sliding down into seats that are in better condition than my car and I can't help but notice how clean everything is. Either the previous owner did a really amazing job keeping it clean or this is a new car.

Mom pulls away from the curb and I buckle my seat-belt, turning my stare out the window. Last time I met her was after a game. I'm not sure if that night was more of a shock to me or if I'm not nervous right now cause last night took so much of my energy. Well... that and the fact that I'm a little hungover. And still trying to figure out how the fuck I'm supposed to act around her now.

"Honey, what happened to your face?" mom asks, glancing at me before she turns onto a different road. I barely look at her before I flip down the visor on the passenger side, checking out the damage that Kitty's boyfriend inflicted upon my face. My eyes water when I wrinkle my nose and a pained noise leaves me at the movement. Fuck, this hurts.

There are a few lingering bruises that I know are dad's handiwork and they're in perfect sync to what Kitty's boyfriend did. In combination with the day-old black makeup I only managed to half-clean off, my face ranks pretty high on the unattractive scale.

"Didn't have a chance to take it off last night… I told you, I was at a Halloween thing," I say, pretending that the only thing unusual on my face is the makeup from last night. Mom doesn't say anything and I use my fingers to try to wipe away the lingering blackness under my eyes.

When my face is back to just bruised, I turn my stare out the passenger window, folding my arms over my chest. Mom makes another turn and slows down as she nears a red light. She lets out a quiet breath before turning to look at me. I watch her expression in the reflection of her I can see in the passenger window and the look on her face softens the longer we sit in silence.

"So… you were here last night?" she asks, turning toward me a little more.

I look over at her and for the first time since I got in the car, I actually see her. She's changed again. Just since the last time I saw her. Her hair's different again – maybe shorter, I don't fucking know – and she looks like she's lost even more weight **.** God, at this rate, she'll barely look like my mom soon.

"Yeah." I turn to look out the window again, not sure why I agreed to meet with her in the first place. I haven't had enough time to process everything Coach told me and I don't want to go off on mom. Or fuck, maybe I do. Maybe I want to spit my anger at someone that deserves it. Someone that can handle it and won't take a swing at me for demanding an explanation for whatever the fuck they did.

My phone vibrates with a snapchat from Danny and I switch my volume off before pocketing the device again. I really can't deal with him right now. Not when the only picture in my mind is him with that other guy while I'm left wondering how Danny tastes.

"You spent the night here?" mom asks, raising an eyebrow when I glance back at her with a shrug. It takes her a few seconds before she's able to work out her question. "So you… were with someone last night?"

For a second, I think she's talking about my friends, wondering if I was hanging around other people or if I was here by myself. But it hits me before I open my mouth that she's not talking about my friends. She's asking if I went home with someone last night.

I don't really know how to basically tell my mom that I was fucking some random girl last night to erase the idea of Danny from my mind so I shrug before looking away from her again. For a few seconds, mom's silent but just when I think she's gonna let it go without a question, she clears her throat.

"Dash… you really have to be careful about things like that," she says, seeming to forget that she kind of gave up her parent card when she walked out. When I don't give her the response she's looking for, or a response at all, she lets out a breath, easing the car forward when the light changes. "Just… tell me you used protection?"

" _Mom_ ," I say, giving her a look that she doesn't fully get to see cause she's focused on the road.

She glances toward me after a few seconds. "Alright, alright. Not something you want to discuss with your mom, I get it." She switches lanes and catches me staring at her before I have the chance to look away.

"What?" she asks, like she has no idea that this situation is weird. Hell, maybe she doesn't realize it. Maybe it's just me that notices the fact that she's trying to act like my mom again without picking up on the fact that it's fucking killing me. She hasn't been around me for longer than a few hours in almost a year. How am I supposed to react to her basically trying to give me a talk about safe sex?

Mom's eyebrows pull down as she parks in front of a building and I can't return her stare. She's still my mom but god, that doesn't give her a fucking right to act like it. Especially now. Not when I know shit about her that I don't think she ever meant for me to find out.

I push out a sigh, shrugging as I pull my seatbelt off and shift my gaze to the building she's parked in front of. "What's this? And what'd you bring me here for?"

She smiles, her gaze drifting from me to the faded siding on the building and she unbuckles her seatbelt before she opens her door. I wait a few seconds before I follow her out of the car and she leads me up to the building, unlocking the front door with a set of keys.

"Renovations start next month but in January, I'll make the last payment and it's officially mine," mom says, glancing over her shoulder to smile at me as she steps inside the place.

The space is a bit like a loft. There's a set of wooden stairs leading to an overhead platform and rafters above that. Aside from plastic tarp and paint cans spread out through the room, it's entirely empty. One wall is made up of floor to ceiling windows and I follow after mom as she moves further inside. I take in everything there is to take in as she starts to talk.

"When renovations are done and everything's set up for me… I'm going to be turning this space into an art studio," mom says, easily grinning as I try to process what she's said.

Mom moves away from me, gesturing at the windows. "I'll use this area for natural lighting and this'll be the actual studio portion where I work and paint like I used to. But I'm going to have a wall put in which'll divide the studio space from the gallery space." She exhales out happily, glancing up at the ceiling above us. "There's still a lot to take care of, a lot of decisions to make but…" She looks at me again, the grin back on her face. "I'm doing it. I'm  _finally_  getting back to my art."

I want to be happy for her and I think part of me is. Cause I remember growing up with a mom who always had paint stains on her clothing and charcoal smeared on her hands as soon as she came home from work. Mom  _loves_  art and I'm really glad she's getting the chance to get back to it. I just can't help but feel like part of her loves art more than anything else. Including me.

"That's…" I exhale out a breath, ignoring all the shit running through my mind long enough to give her a smile. "I'm really happy for you, mom."

Mom's smile widens and she glances around the place again. "It still doesn't feel real. I was so nervous to put down roots here but… everything seems to be falling into place."

I hate to rain on her parade but I don't know if she's really thought of everything here. "S-So you're… okay with the fact that you're only a couple hours away from… Amity Park?"

She looks away from me and we both know what I'm really talking about. Dad's only a couple hours away from us right now and if he finds out where she's staying… there's nothing stopping him from showing up here. The thought has my stomach clenching and I take a step toward mom.

"I visited a lot of places this year. I spent some time in Salt Lake… went to Los Angeles for a couple weeks… I even ended up in New York at some point," mom lets out a hollow laugh and I wonder how much of that was looking for a new place to call home and how much of that was making sure dad would never find her.

Mom lets out a breath, shifting her weight before she looks back at me. "I got here and… I don't know, it just felt like home. I feel like I can finally be happy." She gives me a bright smile that I find hard to return. I don't want anything happening to her and if she's this close to dad, he can find her.

"I-I'm glad, I just-"

"Shh," she says softly, cupping my cheek with her hand. "It's okay. I'll be safe here." She hesitates a moment before the smile is back in place. "And once you talk to my lawyer, you can come stay with me and you'll be safe too."

The idea of not having to look over my shoulder or avoid dad for weeks sounds like a dream come true but it feels like that's all it is. A dream. I don't know how mom ever got to the point of leaving dad but I can barely think about getting out of there yet.

"Don't worry. That's still a while to come. If everything works out, you'll be able to stay with me as soon as you finish high school. You'll have a chance to figure out what you want to do in life," mom says, dropping her hand from my face.

I almost want to let it end there, just be here in the moment but there's too much shit running through my head to stay quiet. Some sick part of myself has to see if she's gonna lie to me or not.

"I don't… know if I'll be here after high school…" I trail off, shrugging when her eyebrows draw down. "I've been thinking about… college." It's such a foreign word on my tongue and I never thought I'd ever be good enough or smart enough to go anywhere beyond Alex's garage after high school.

Mom raises her eyebrows, her lips parting in what I'm guessing is genuine surprise. I never talked about this before she left and I wonder if she's trying to figure out when this became an option. When someone talked to me and told me that hey, I don't have to fucking live this way forever.

"O-Oh," she says, nodding slowly as she drops her gaze from me. She glances around the space again, chewing on her bottom lip, before her eyebrows draw down and she looks toward me again. "Does… your father know about this?"

I shake my head, letting out a breath as I jerk my hand through my hair cause I feel like I'm gonna start trembling. "No. I told… someone I work with but other than that… you're the first person to hear it," I say, watching the way mom searches my expression. I wonder if she's thinking about this time last year. When she told Coach not to talk to me. God, should I be fucking pushing this?

"Mom, I've been offered a scholarship to play for a school," I say, my voice a lot stronger than I thought it'd be. "And you know what? Coach doesn't think it's gonna be the only offer I get. He's been sending out tapes of me, talking to scouts, putting the word out there… He really  _believes_  in me, mom," I tell her, putting emphasis on the fact that  _someone_  believes in me. Even if it isn't her.

For a few seconds, all mom can do is stare back at me and I have to wonder what the fuck she's thinking. Is she ticked that Coach ignored her and started putting things in place as soon as she was gone? Does she still care about this shit or am I just a thing of her past and she doesn't give a shit what I do now that she's gone?

Before I get a chance to say any of the fucked up shit running through my head, she wordlessly tugs me into her arms. She doesn't say that she's proud of me and she doesn't congratulate me. But she hugs me close and I have to imagine that it's the same thing. Cause I'm too angry to speak and I don't know how to tell her that Coach told me the truth. And that I want a fucking apology. I don't know for what specifically but I feel like I deserve one. I don't have the balls required to voice half the shit in my head so I hold her back and pretend that she's saying exactly what my bruised heart needs to hear.

* * *

Mom and I leave the studio space and she locks up behind us. Almost as soon as we're in the car, her phone starts ringing and she picks it up with a smile on her face. She talks to whoever's on the other end as she pulls out of the parking lot and I slouch back in my seat, staring out the window at everything that passes us by.

"Okay, I need to pick up something from work. But on the way there…" mom says as soon as she's through with her phone call, trying to be subtle with the glance she sends my way. I don't return the look and she lets out a heavy sigh. "There are a lot of legal hoops I have to jump through, Dash. I have to get all this documentation notarized and give it to my attorney before I can officially request for a restraining order and divorce decree against your father. To do that…"

She looks at me and I can't hold her gaze. I don't know what she expects me to do. I'm still  _living_  with dad. He put a gun to my forehead after he found the letter mom sent me. As soon as he hears that I've helped mom get away from him, I'll be a stain on my bedroom floor. The more she can do without dragging me into it, the better.

"Dash, please."

I keep my stare out the window, propping my chin into my palm as I think it over. I don't even know what she wants me to say or who I'd be talking to. She keeps saying that once this is finished, I'll be safe from him but I don't think she realizes that dad won't care about a restraining order. It's a fucking piece of paper. How is that gonna stop him?

"I can't move forward, I can't finish making the steps I need to unless you help me. Dash, baby, I  _need_  you," she says and I hear the plea in her voice. I want to help her, I do. But I don't know if she realizes the position she's putting me in.

"Mom, I don't know what you want me to say." I look back at her with a shrug. "I don't know what you want me to tell your lawyer. And you said something about me just witnessing all of this? Do you really think they're gonna believe that all the shit dad did to you was never done to me?"

She nods, returning her stare to the road. "I understand why you're worried. But this is for your protection too. The less you have to do with this case, the better, okay? I'm trying to keep you out of this as much as I can." She switches lanes and makes a turn before she looks my way again, exhaling in the silence. "Believe me. If there was another way to do this, I would have done it already. But your input is incredibly valuable here. Can you just tell my attorney what you saw? You never have to make an appearance in court, you just have to give your witness statement to my attorney and he'll handle everything from there, okay?"

I shrug, looking away from her as she pulls up outside a building that looks like it's in better shape than the last one. She adjusts her rearview mirror before she takes the keys from the engine. She doesn't move and I keep my gaze away from her. We sit in silence for a few seconds before mom finally turns to me and I feel obligated to meet her stare.

"I have to run inside and get something. You can come if you'd like to but you don't have to," she says, shrugging as she tugs her door open. I want to stay in the car and be angry at everything. At mom for the shit position she's trying to put me in and for lying to me. At dad for fucking me up so badly that I can't decide if I'd rather have mom's half-truths instead. And Danny. For being so fucking perfect that he makes my heart squeeze just from a simple stupid text that's lighting up my phone again.

I want to stay in the car and basically pout but I open my door and follow mom instead. She gives me a smile like I just made her day or some shit and I wordlessly follow her up to the front door.

"So this is where you work now?" I ask, glancing around at the parking lot it's in. There's a bakery across the street and a coffee joint next to that. I watch the people crossing over to the two shops as mom unlocks the door.

"Yes, it is," mom says, a touch of pride to her voice as she pushes the door open and steps back to let me in first. "I haven't been working here too long but… I really like it."

I step inside the building and quickly realize that it's a doctor's office. I didn't need the colorful tongue depressors on the wall like some kind of artwork to tell me that much. Mom used to work in doctor's offices when I was a kid but somewhere between middle school and high school, she started working in a hospital. She never said why but I think it had to do with the fact that her hours conflicted with dad's. Less time to spend at home when he was there.

"I've just gotta grab a few files," mom says, dropping her keys onto the front desk as she passes by. She pushes open the door leading to the back and leaves it open like I can follow after her if I want. I don't feel like keeping up another conversation so I sink down in one of the chairs, staring up at the popsicle sticks instead. I guess they're supposed to look like a sunset but I don't see it. I just see painted sticks glued to a canvas. Maybe that means something about me. Like one of those ink tests. Or maybe it really doesn't look like anything and I'm the first person to notice it. Or maybe I have no fucking imagination.

* * *

Mom returns within a few minutes and we're off again. She drives around Dryden, pointing out various places that she's been to since she started living here. And after a while, my shitty mood kinda disappears and I find myself asking her questions about places.

Even with a stop for lunch, mom and I make decent time walking around the town. We're back in her car, sipping on chocolate shakes and talking about anything we can think of, when I notice my phone. I've barely looked at it since Danny texted me earlier but my screen's lighting up like crazy.

With one hand still around my shake, I type my passcode in with the other, looking up at mom as she starts telling me about her job. She's telling me how she really feels like it's the right fit for her. She's talking about getting along with her coworkers when I glance down at my phone.

**From: Kwan**

_**Please, I need you** _

It's the last text I've received and I start scrolling up through the wall of messages he's sent me.

"And the office manager is so nice. She welcomed me in from day one. I think you'd actually get along with her son pretty well, he's on the football team," mom continues on, unaware of how distracted I am. "And he plays-"

"Mom, hang on… gimme a second."

I scroll to the text Kwan sent me this morning, about loving the club, and start from there. The more I read, the more my stomach clenches and I set my cup down to cradle my phone.

**From: Kwan**

_**I just left Jared's place.** _

_**Can you call me when you get this?** _

_**Dash, everything's a mess** _

_**I'm so angry and hurt and I don't know what to do** _

_**He's texting me, please call me when you get this** _

_**Dash, I'm so lost** _

_**Please, I need you** _

The car's still parked in front of the place we got the shakes from and without a word to mom, I leave her car, slamming the door behind me. I pace in the parking lot as I wait for my phone to connect and after the third ring, I hear Kwan's breathy exhale.

" _H-Hi,"_  he squeaks out, followed immediately by a sniffle. Fuck, I can't stand the way he sounds when he's sad. Whatever the hell happened must've been pretty bad to upset him like this.

I glance back at mom in the car and though she gives me a questioning look, I turn away from her again. "Hey… what's going on?"

Kwan sniffles again, letting out a heavier breath than before. He's silent for about a minute or two and I listen to the sound of every car passing by me on the other side of the road. I count fourteen cars before Kwan speaks, his voice hollow on the words.

" _Jared's…. been cheating on me."_

_Fucking hell._  Why? Why is Jared such a fucking douchebag? Of all the things… Kwan doesn't deserve this shit. He's already been through enough with his dad walking out and the impending divorce, he doesn't need a cheating boyfriend to add to the mix.

"I-I'm so sorry," I say, not sure what else to say that isn't a thousand swears in place of that guy's name.  _He's such a fucking prick_. Kwan's not the kind of person anyone should toy with and I'll make this asshole wish he'd never even met my best friend if I ever see him again.

Kwan doesn't say anything at first but his quiet sniffles let me know he's still there. Still listening. Maybe waiting to see if I have anything else to add but I don't know if now's the time for my anger. He's hurting and the focus should be on him, not me.

Just as I'm about to ask Kwan if he's okay, he speaks again.

" _I-I came to his place to see him this morning a-and I found some other guy with him. He… said it wasn't a big deal a-and that lots of people h-have… multiple partners but… it really hurts, Dash,"_  he says, his voice practically a whisper on my name.

Another car passes by, drowning out my quiet "fuck", and I guess that's for the better. Kwan needs me right now. And I'd give anything to be back in Amity Park right now, just so I could hold his hand and tell him exactly what I think of Jared. What a fucking prick he is.

Mom opens her door and I turn around as she steps out. She raises her eyebrows in a silent question and I let out a breath, closing my eyes as I speak.

"Kwan, l-listen... I'm still in Dryden but I'm on my way back now. I'll come to your place as soon as I'm in Amity Park, alright? Just give me a little while to get to you, okay?" I ask, taking a few steps closer to mom's car.

There's silence on the other end and it worries me more than it probably should. I let out a breath to disturb the quiet. "Kwan?"

" _Y-Yeah… okay. I'll see you soon,"_ he says, his tone softer and more dejected than I think I've ever heard his voice, aside from the time we buried his fish together in his backyard. But he was ten that day and he's seventeen now. He shouldn't have that sadness in his tone cause of a guy that doesn't understand how much of a privilege it is to be with him.

I hang up the call before I get in mom's car again, my mind all over the place as I put my seatbelt back in place. I know she wants an explanation but it's not my shit to talk about. I just ask her to drop me off at Kwan's place and she starts for Amity Park.

I'm trying not to be so shit with words anymore and I have no clue what I'm gonna tell Kwan when I get to him but… I have to get to him. Even if I say nothing and I just hold him while he lets his sadness out, I have to be there for him. He's my best friend and no one in this world is gonna break his heart and leave him alone. Someone else might have kissed his broken pieces once but I'm always gonna be the one there to put him back together.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooo, welcome back to the angst café. Where drama and beatings are served up fresh daily ;p
> 
> Thanks for coming back to read this update! What'd you think of it? Johnny showing up was a prediction throughout the comments down below but I will confirm this for you all: The person that Danny left the club with last night wasn't Johnny
> 
> I've been waiting so long for you guys to read this chapter cause I wanted all of you to know that Jared's a prick. Poor Kwan though, am I right? He can't escape the angst no matter how hard he tries. First his parents, now his cheating boyfriend… I'm never letting him catch a break ;p
> 
> How about Dash's mom showing up? I know I didn't really touch on it when it was first brought up, but what do you think of what Dash's coach told him? About his mom basically sabotaging his chances at a scholarship in his junior year? Any opinions there?
> 
> Not a lot of Danny this chapter but I promise, the space nerd will have some parts in next chapter. (And they're SO angsty!) So… look forward to that if you're missing out on the lovable nerd
> 
> I chose the title of this chapter from Apologize by Timbaland featuring OneRepublic purely because it reminds me of the relationship between Dash and his mom. Like, you guys know it, I know it, hell - even Dash knows it to some level. There's just a point two people reach when one or both parties have fucked up too much to fix it and though Dash doesn't want to admit it, deep down, he knows that there's no fixing this
> 
> But anyway, that's all I wanted to say about this chapter. Thank you all so much for reading this update, I really do appreciate all of you. If you have any thoughts or comments about this chapter, please leave them for me to read – I love hearing from all of you! Hit me up on tumblr if you'd rather and feel free to tag me in any posts if you want to (it makes my day, honestly)
> 
> See you guys in the next update!


	55. The First Cut Is The Deepest

The closer we get to Amity Park, the more I can see mom starting to revert back to the person I've known my whole life. The lines on her forehead come back. She won't stop biting down on her lip and catching her breath with every passing moment.

Worry seeps into her tone with every word she speaks and I know the feelings coursing through her. They're the same ones that keep me up at night, panicking even though nothing has happened to me. Because the fear of  _something_ happening is enough to choke me. Enough to wake me in a cold sweat and chill me to the bone.

Every red light she pulls up to gives her another chance to look over her shoulder and she flinches every time we pass a cop car. I want to tell her that nothing's gonna happen to her but I don't think it'd seem as sincere with the bruises still littering my face.

Mom pulls up outside of Kwan's house and after glancing around the neighborhood, she cuts off the lights with a sigh, seeming to relax a little. I wonder if she expects dad to be waiting around for her to show up and if she thinks that soon this will all be over. That after everything's sorted out with her attorney, she'll be safe. She's fucking kidding herself if she thinks dad will stay away just because of whatever a judge decides to say about this.

In the beginning, dad used to talk about her all the time – constantly looking for a way to find her. But sometime in the spring, he just stopped. He quit talking about her, stopped talking about wanting to find her… just stopped everything. About the same time he gave up, I realized she was never coming back for me and it didn't take me long until I was in the backseat of Valerie's car, fucking  _sobbing_  cause it finally hit me. She didn't just leave dad. She left  _me_.

"Thanks for the ride back, hell of a lot faster than the bus," I say, trying to force a smile on my face when mom looks at me but I can't. I close my hand around the door handle but mom's hesitating and I can tell that she wants to say something before I leave.

For a few seconds, she just holds my gaze before she nods, looking away from me and down at the steering wheel instead. She runs her fingers along the edge of the wheel, letting out a soft breath. "Just… promise me you'll think about what we talked about? About… meeting with my attorney?" she asks, glancing at me.

I don't want to talk to anyone about this shit with dad. It's always felt like one of those things mom and I would just bury and only talk about in the dead of night but I guess this is her way of burying it. By trying to put up some legal shit that dad can't get past. I don't know why she thinks a piece of paper is gonna save her. I can't make a decision like this. Not while I'm still choking over everything Coach told me. I expected mom to get angry when I told her that college is an option for me now but she barely reacted at all. And I don't know what the fuck to do about it.

Mom lets out a quiet breath, looking away from me again. I don't want to give in and I still need a lot of time to think this shit over but I  _hate_  leaving her like this. Even though she left me with him, she's still my mom. She's still the one who bandaged what she could and helped nurse me through what she couldn't. She's the one who tucked me in bed at night and sat up with me when I couldn't stop shaking. She's my  _mom_.

I put my hand on her arm and wait until she looks back at me. Words aren't coming to me but I force out what I can. "I'll think about it," I say, giving her a nod despite the way my gut is clenching. She smiles widely and suddenly pulls me into a hug.

I don't know what I expected her to do but this feels weird. It's different than the hug she gave me when I told her about the scholarship. It feels like it's been forever since she hugged me like this. Despite the fact that she left me and the doubts crowding my head about her, she feels like mom again. And I give myself a few minutes to melt into her touch and pretend she never left me at all.

 

* * *

 

 

Mom pulls away from Kwan's driveway and I stand outside, watching the taillights of her Audi disappear down the street. A shiver runs through me and I give a final glance at the empty street before I turn back to his house, mentally preparing myself for what's on the inside. I knock on the door a couple of times but no one answers. His car is parked next to mine from when I left it here last night but his mom's car isn't here. Which means that he's in there alone.

Since he's not answering, I find the spare key he gave me when I started working at Alex's and use it to get inside. I haven't had to use this key in forever and it's usually the middle of summer when I do but it's necessary tonight.

I know Kwan can hear the door open from his bedroom but I call his name up the stairs anyway, already knowing that he's there. When he doesn't respond, I kick my shoes off, pushing the door closed behind me, and start up the stairs. He might not want to see anyone right now and I'll sit outside his door if that's what he wants me to do. But I'm sure as hell not leaving him alone.

Kwan's on his bed, the covers wrapped around him, and he barely moves when I open the door. He's stacked pillows behind him and is leaning against the headboard of his bed, staring blankly at the television. He looks up when I close the door behind me but his stare is unfocused. Like he's looking right through me instead.

I cross the room to him and he sticks a hand out of the covers to mute the television. He swipes his hand down his face with a quiet sniffle and I can see how swollen and red his face is from crying. He leans back into his pillows as I sit next to him and he keeps his gaze trained down. He lets go of the remote before he pulls his hand under the covers again with another sniffle before he looks up at me. I can tell he's trying to put up a brave front but the sadness is welling up in his eyes again and I hate the way tears look on my best friend.

Even though my hand shakes, I lean forward to touch his cheek, brushing away a tear when it escapes his eye and tumbles down his cheek. He closes his eyes at my touch with a small exhale and he turns his head toward me before dropping his cheek against his pillow. Kwan lets out a soft breath, his eyes fluttering open as he stares up at me.

There are no words to say to heal the pain he's feeling right now and I settle for gently brushing the hair away from his forehead as we settle into the silence. His stare drifts around the room for a long time, occasionally looking up at me, before his eyes fall closed again every time.

I keep one hand on him at all times – brushing his hair back from his forehead, catching his tears, running my hand down his shoulder whenever he starts to tremble. I'm not good with words but I'm good with this. At least I think I am.

Kwan draws in a staggered breath, the sound shooting straight through me, and he shatters the silence we had settled into. His voice is shaky but somehow, he finds a way to speak that's a hell of a lot stronger than he looks.

"I-I was with him last night… w-we were… together… a-and afterwards, I went home. A-And once I was gone… he invited someone else over." Kwan squeezes his eyes closed tighter, the pain visible in his expression, before he opens his eyes again to look up at me. He sniffles quietly, the pain on his face like some twisted piece of art. "Wh-What do I do, Dash?"

My first instinct is to key Jared's car. Find some way to make him regret ever fucking with my best friend's heart but I don't think that's gonna help Kwan right now. The look in his eyes is so sad and I don't think revenge is on his mind at all. Even if all I can think about is painting Jared's face a nice shade of purple.

"He doesn't deserve you," I say, catching another tear that's started to fall down his cheek. Kwan lets out a shaky breath and snuggles down underneath the covers, drawing them up to his chin. I put my hand on his under the covers and squeeze gently. "It's okay… you didn't… do anything wrong. I don't know how he could do that to someone like you."

I squeeze his hand again and a soft smile tugs at Kwan's face. I'm quick to return it, glad that for once – my words are actually helping someone.

"Yeah, he's an asshole. Doesn't realize yet what he just threw away but he'll kick himself when he does. And if he doesn't realize it soon enough,  _I'll_ kick him instead," I say, unable to stop the grin on my face when Kwan laughs softly.

He sniffles again, shaking his head. "Thanks for the speech but that's not why I laughed." He gives me a soft smile. "Your hand's on my ass." Kwan laughs again when I pull my hand away and he rolls his eyes. "I asked you over here to make me feel better, not feel me  _up_ ," he says with a grin.

I can only imagine what my expression is but my cheeks feel like they're on fire. "Sh-Shut up!" I say, looking away from him. He laughs a couple more times before he falls silent again and I know he's getting lost in his own head. I know what that feels like and how dangerous it is to be left alone to only my thoughts.

"Move over," I say, being careful of my hand placement as I push him over on the mattress. After a second or two of resistance, Kwan gives in and scoots over, opening up the covers to give me some. I crawl in next to him and swipe the remote.

The television's playing some romantic chick-flick and while normally, that's Kwan's go-to, I know it's definitely not what he needs to see right now. I switch channels a couple of times until I end up on MTV, watching some werewolf chasing a girl in high heels.

I cross my arms and settle back against Kwan's headboard. He keeps his gaze on the TV and for a few minutes neither one of us moves. But he sniffles again and shifts a little until he's resting his head against my shoulder. If it were anyone else, I probably wouldn't give them the opportunity to lay on me this way cause it's likely that my shoulder's gonna fall asleep, but it's Kwan. And he's hurting. Which gives him a free pass to do just about anything.

Words and I still don't get along but I huff out a sigh, turning the volume up on the television just in case his mom comes home, before I speak. "Let it out."

Kwan curls a hand around the fabric of my t-shirt and turns his head until his face is buried in my chest. He lets out a sob that I wasn't prepared for but I wrap my other arm around his shoulders, smoothing his hair down as he cries into my chest. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with Jared or why he'd leave my best friend in pieces like this but I know that no matter how long it takes, I'll hold him together. We both know he's done it enough times for me. But for his sake, I wish that I wasn't returning that favor.

 

* * *

 

 

Around nine, Kwan's mom knocks on his bedroom door before she steps inside. The bright smile on her face quickly fades when she sees her son asleep on my chest. She gives me a funny look as she steps further inside and raises her eyebrow in a silent question. I whisper, "It's a long story," in response and she draws her eyebrows down again, taking half a step closer to the bed.

She hesitates for a second or two but seems to trust my judgement and leaves me with Kwan. I keep the television low for a long time so Kwan can keep sleeping but out of sheer boredom at yet  _another_ vampire movie playing, I pull out my phone just after midnight. It takes me a couple of minutes of reading other people's text messages before I finally convince myself to look over Danny's.

**From: Danny**

_**I can't believe it's November O.O** _

_**Check snapchat and tell me what you think of my amazing costume ;p** _

_**or maybe not** _

_**Sorry, I didn't think about that** _

_**:T hopefully you aren't talking to me cause you're busy and not cause you're upset?** _

_**Snapchat says you haven't seen it yet soooo I'm guessing you're busy** _

The last text was sent about five hours ago and I exit out of his texts to check out his Snapchat instead. His is the only message I haven't looked at and I suck in a breath as his face loads on my screen. The picture looks like it was taken from a downward angle and the noise I let out is fucking  _sinful._  In the photo, he's giving the camera a smirk that has my mind running with things I have no right to be thinking of and he's gesturing down at the outfit he's got on, the officer costume he donned last night. The caption reads,  _"If being sexy was a crime, I'd be under arrest ;p"_ and I don't think he realizes how fucking right he is.

With a blush creeping up my cheeks, I screenshot his photo before it can disappear forever, pretty fucking sure that my heart is gonna leap out of my chest just looking at it. God, I'm so glad Kwan taught me to screenshot images before they could disappear the first time I downloaded this stupid app.

"No wonder you like him," Kwan says suddenly, making my heart jump into my throat. He moves from my chest to give me a grin and I can barely muster up a glare to return with. He laughs, moving back to his pillows and rolling over onto his back. "What? I'm not allowed to notice that your crush is cute?"

I roll my eyes, ignoring the blush I can still feel on my face as I close snapchat and open up Danny's texts instead. I try to distract myself by typing out my response but I can feel Kwan looking at me in the silence.

"What?" I finally ask, trying to come off like I don't give a shit and attempting to punctuate the feeling with a glare. Kwan sees right through it and his grin widens.

"You're so adorable with this, you know," he says, rolling over to face me. He nods toward my phone even though the picture's gone. "If he'd seen you last night, I'm sure he'd be reacting the same way. You guys woulda made the cutest couple."

I look away from Kwan probably faster than what's necessary and he picks up on it, his silence a question that doesn't need words. I want to tell him about seeing Danny last night and flirting with him easily cause he didn't know it was me but I don't know if it's the right time. Kwan just found his boyfriend cheating on him… I doubt he wants to hear about me and my feelings.

Kwan pokes me in the side with his index finger, his eyebrows drawn down when I look back at him. "What is it?"

Now's probably not the time and I don't want to be selfish but he's asking and I want to tell  _someone_  and… maybe it'll help distract my best friend from the shit that's in his head right now. At least, that's what I tell myself in order to justify my selfish need to tell him about the way my heart is bursting over this boy.

"D-Danny was at the club last night," I say, my voice shaky as I speak. "I-I ran into him before I found you a-and… god, he was… so…" I can't bring myself to say the words in my head but I think Kwan picks up on it by the grin he's giving me.

"Cute?" he asks, his smile widening when I sheepishly nod. "If that picture is anything to go by, I'll bet he was even hotter in person." He stretches his arms over his head, groaning softly with the movement. "What'd he say about your costume?"

I let out a breath, dropping my phone against my chest. There's no point in bothering with a response to Danny right now. I can't focus with these thoughts running through my head and Kwan sitting beside me, eager to tease me at every chance.

"Th-That's the thing, he… didn't realize it was me," I say, my voice more like a whisper.

Kwan raises his eyebrows and props his elbow up, resting his head in his hand. "Wait… so you guys talked last night? And you knew who you were talking to but he didn't recognize you?" His grin appears again when I nod and he lets out a laugh. "Okay, I'm following. What happened?"

"I-I think I flirted with him?" I say more like a question and Kwan laughs again, rolling onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. "Shut up!"

"Oh, Dash, you're killing me," he says, unable to stop grinning as he stares up at his ceiling. "So what then? Did you tell him it was you?" He steals a look at my face and judges from my expression. "I'm guessing that's a no. What  _did_  you say?"

There's no way in hell I'm gonna attempt to recall the conversation I had with Danny just so Kwan can have more things to tease me about. He'd be way too happy to hear some of the lame flirting I did. I slide down on the mattress until I'm lying next to him and I cover my face with my arm, attempting to hide the blush from him.

"It couldn't have ended  _that_  badly," Kwan says, nudging his shoulder against mine.

I respond with a groan before I say it, the sound muffled against my arm. "He said he's with someone else." I've been so distracted today by mom and helping Kwan feel better the past few hours, I haven't really given myself the time to process last night's interaction with Danny. But now that I'm lying here, with nothing to crowd up my head, he's all I can think about.

"Ouch," Kwan says suddenly, perfectly stating what I feel.

The fact that Danny's with someone is like a knife to the gut but that's not all. "Y-Yeah, I saw him leaving the club with some guy and… God, is it even right for me to be this jealous?" I mumble against my arm, knowing that Kwan's the only one I can have this conversation with.

He lets out a breath and I can feel his eyes on me but I won't look back at him. Not with the blush I can still feel on my face. That'd give him too much ammunition.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with being jealous, Dash. You want him to be with you. It's only natural to be disappointed that he's with… someone else," Kwan says, his voice soft again and without that teasing note to it.

I lift my arm to look at him and his eyes are downcast. I'm guessing he's thinking about Jared again and I wrack my brains for something else I can talk about that'll distract him. I almost start telling him about that guy clocking me in the face but I slept with his girlfriend so I can't really blame him… and that wouldn't be the best story to distract Kwan with.

"I almost kissed the bartender last night."

As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I can't believe I've said them. They hang in the air between us and Kwan slowly looks up at me, his eyebrows high on his forehead.

The blush that had disappeared from my face quickly returns and I can't hold Kwan's stare, fidgeting nervously under his gaze. I don't know why I decided to tell Kwan this, it just sort of came out of my mouth before I could think it through.

"Are you serious?" Kwan asks, putting his hand on my arm. I chance a look up at him and his eyebrows are drawn down again as he stares back at me. He looks more concerned than he needs to be and I shrug one shoulder. "How… did that happen?"

I run Kwan through the whole thing, telling him about how I was bummed after seeing Danny leave with that guy and how I started draining shots. I skip over a few of the details with Gregor but I mention the part about my heart pounding and how I  _wanted_ to know what his lips felt like but I couldn't bring myself to kiss him when I wanted Danny instead.

Kwan's quiet for a few minutes after I finish and the silence that ticks around us is so much louder than before. I can hear every breath we both take and I finally look up at him with a shrug.

"So, y-yeah," I mumble, not sure what else to say. I drop my stare immediately and Kwan tightens his hold on my arm.

"Are you… still curious?" Kwan asks, meeting my gaze when I look up at him again. The expression on his face is some sort of cross between want and hesitation and if kissing my best friend would make him feel better about what Jared did, I'd throw my own selfish desires to the side and kiss him. But I don't think it's gonna help and I really don't want my first kiss with a guy to be with Kwan.

I shrug and he drops his gaze from me. "I don't think that's the best idea, Kwan," I say and he nods immediately, he probably realized it before I turned him down.

"Y-Yeah, you're right," he says, letting out a breath.

It's quiet between us again so I turn the television back on and let some horrible music videos take both of us far away from what we're thinking about. Him wanting someone to make him forget and me doing what I've become accustomed to. Wanting Danny.

 

* * *

 

 

In the morning, Kwan tells his mom what happened and if anyone could be angrier than I've been feeling since Kwan called me, it's his mom. She's almost shaking as she makes breakfast for the three of us, occasionally spewing out the swears I held back last night.

While Kwan tries to convince her that he doesn't need her to stay with him and to  _please_  just go to work, I tell Kwan I'm sticking around and she seems to relax after that. I wash the dishes while he takes a shower and I leave him parked on the couch in front of the TV while I head upstairs to take a shower myself. I stop in his room to grab the clothes he's laid out for me on his bed along with my phone before I step into the bathroom.

My phone's still on the unwritten text to Danny and I type out a response before I set it on the counter and step under the shower spray. Everything feels better in the warmth of a shower and I let myself relax into it, all the pent-up energy over the past few days easing out of me.

I feel like everything has happened all at once and I'm having trouble processing all of it. I almost kissed a guy, I flirted with Danny only to learn he's with someone, saw my mom again, and found out that Kwan's boyfriend cheated on him… all within two days. Shit, I need a break from this weekend. I almost want to skip school tomorrow so I don't have to see anyone.

A response from Danny lights up my screen as I'm toweling off and I pull on a pair of boxers and jeans before I pick my phone up, one-handedly drying my hair as I look over the texts he's sent back in response to mine.

**To: Danny**

_**Sorry, yesterday was kind of insane** _

**From: Danny**

_**No problem! I was just worried you were upset cause you saw my snapchat** _

_**Good to know you're not though** _

I have no idea why he thinks I'd be upset over the snapchat he sent me – especially cause he looks really fucking good in it – so I send back a couple of question marks before pulling my shirt on and leaving the bathroom.

Kwan's on the couch, some shitty soap opera on and I steal the remote as I settle down in the cushions. He glances toward me but doesn't object when I change the channel. I flip through a couple of different programs until my phone vibrates with a text from Danny.

I leave the channel playing some cartoon and I put the remote on the cushion next to Kwan, trusting him not to switch back to the soap opera. I open Danny's text, looking at Kwan from the corner of my eye before I'm focused on my phone's screen.

**From: Danny**

_**Um… okay call me paranoid but I kinda figured, your dad's a cop… and I don't know, I just thought that it might upset you?** _

I don't know what I was expecting but it definitely wasn't that. So my dad's a cop, what does it matter if someone dresses up like an officer? What the hell do I care? Unless… he's asking cause now he knows about the shit my dad does.

**To: Danny**

_**Doesn't bother me at all. It's a uniform, Danny. It's not who he is or what he does. It's fine.** _

Even though I hesitate a fuckton, I hit the send button and watch it appear on my screen. I don't know why but seeing Danny be careful around me cause he knows about my dad now feels… kind of nice. I don't know if 'good' is the right word to describe it but it doesn't feel awful. It's nice to know he cares about the way I feel.

"Hey, Dash?" Kwan asks and I click my phone off, instantly looking at him. He gives me a smirk and I already expect his words before he says them. "Anyone ever tell you how adorable you are with a blush?"

I'm pretty sure he totally deserves the pillow I chuck at his face.

 

* * *

 

 

Kwan doesn't ask me to but I spend all day at his place and without really asking, I know the invitation to stay the night has been extended. We're in his bedroom before 10, probably to avoid his mom more than anything cause neither of us are that tired. It takes him a good hour or so of talking about meaningless shit but he eventually asks about mom. I don't want to bring him down but I end up telling him almost the whole fucked-up story. I leave out what Coach told me and about her being settled in Dryden. I mainly focus on the part about her attorney and Kwan thinks it's a shitty thing for her to ask of me.

I change the conversation after a while because I can't think about mom anymore and we talk until we both drop off to sleep around midnight. Thankfully at the last minute, I remembered to turn off my early alarm so when it goes off in the morning, it's almost seven instead of five. God, I can't even imagine how exhausted I'd be if I'd gotten up for the first alarm.

I roll over in bed to look at Kwan, who's still asleep, one arm dangling off his mattress. There's still fifteen minutes before we actually have to get up so I let Kwan continue sleeping and I browse Facebook for a while before I end up staring at the snapchat I saved of Danny the other night.

There's no denying how cute he looks in that outfit and if I'd only seen it through this photo, it probably wouldn't have ruined me as much as it has. But seeing it in person was an entirely different feeling and I can still picture the way it clung to his skin and the smile he gave me as I did my best to flirt with him.

My mind isn't exactly going places it should be so I leave the warmth of the bed and take a shower, borrowing more of Kwan's clothes. It doesn't take me long in the shower, and when I get out, Kwan's awake, sitting up in bed and watching some news report on the television. I give him a smile when he glances toward me and he returns it instantly which eases the tension in my gut. He looks a little happier today and I want to believe it but… I can't help but wonder if maybe he's just taken pointers from me about masking the pain.

"Hey," he says softly, clicking the TV off. He gets up from the bed and gathers his clothes, tossing me a glance over his shoulder. "I really wish we didn't have to go to school today, yesterday was fun. I like it when we just… hang out, y'know?"

We mainly spent yesterday watching movies and playing games on his X-box. But to be honest, I had fun, too. Especially knowing that if I wasn't there, he would probably have been lying in his bed the whole weekend.

"Yeah, it was. I should stay with you for a couple days over winter break," I say, grabbing my phone from the mattress. There are no waiting text messages on my phone and I find myself the most disappointed at the lack of one from Danny.

Kwan softly hums his approval as he picks out his clothes and I carefully watch him as he moves. I fold the blankets he gave me to sleep under and he stands in front of his closet, looking at what he has hanging up but not taking anything. I watch him for a minute or two longer before I let the air mattress start to deflate. I try to think of something to say in the silence, some way to ask him if he's okay, but there's no way to put it delicately. So I do my own way of asking if he needs me.

"You want me to hang around here until you're ready to go? Or would you rather me wait for you in the parking lot with coffee?" I ask, grinning when he gives me a look.

He slides his closet door closed and returns my grin. "Do you even have to ask? I want the holiday drink if it's out already. A caramel latte if it's not," he says, rolling his eyes at the expression on my face. "Shut up, it's November. You can't shit on my parade for looking forward to the holidays already. Now, go and get me my drink. I'll see you at school."

 

* * *

 

 

"You cheated  _again_!" Jeff yells at Keith as soon as he loses yet another round of rock, paper, scissors. What they're warring over, I don't know. I've been scrolling through my phone while they battle it out over something I probably missed.

Keith is grinning widely and Jeff is trying to convince him to make it best six out of ten. Star's laughing and poking fun of Jeff and I'm staring at the front steps to the school. Cause Danny's coming out of the school and it makes my heart race.  _What's he doing here already?_

Danny's frowning down at his phone as he walks from the bottom of the stairs and further into the parking lot. One look up has him noticing me and he shoves his phone into his pocket, heading my way instead.

I slide over on the trunk of my car, offering the space to him without words. He drops his backpack at my feet and collapses beside me, jerking his hand through his hair with an irritated sigh. Everything about him screams tension and I know I shouldn't push it but I can't stand to see him this way.

"You were here early?" I ask, watching him from the corner of my eye. His throat bobs as he swallows hard and he offers only a single nod before he looks away from me. He's quiet as his gaze lingers on the school building and a million questions run through my mind in the quiet. Everything I need to ask him, everything I need to know is on the tip of my tongue but… my curiosity is not what's important.  _He's_ important.

I pride myself in the subtlety I manage to master when I scoot close enough to him to brush my hand against his. And though I'm gentle with my touch, he pulls his hand from mine instantly. He doesn't look back at me but with how hard he's biting down into his bottom lip and how quickly he's blinking, I know he's trying to hold back the floodgates of something I'll never understand.

"I'm not… gonna ask you if you're okay. C-Cause I don't think that's what you want," I say, swallowing hard when he gives me another nod. "And I'm guessing you don't want to talk about it. But… is there anything I can do?"

Danny shakes his head, letting out a breath that trembles far too much for me to pretend that it doesn't affect me. His shaky exhale rattles through me like I'm the one that's trembling. Like I'm the one that needs comforting words and soft touches.

"My parents and I are kind of in a fight," he says softly, his voice barely above a whisper with the few words he manages to speak. His eyes fall closed as he shakes his head. "I went out last night. And they…" he trails off with another sigh, this one sounding like it's coming from his very  _soul_.

There's nothing for me to say and I know better than to push him so I stay silent, watching him as he tries to work out what it is he wants to say. Several expressions pass over his face, each one more concerning than the last, but the one he settles on has a shiver running through me.

"They don't understand me, Dash. And the worst part is… I  _know_ how stupid I sound."

I almost reach out to touch him – so he'll know my words are sincere – but I stop myself just before I start to speak. "I don't think that you're stupid, Danny." My voice wavers on the few words I do manage to say and I'm left with this feeling of  _not enough_  stirring inside my chest.

He exhales, opening his eyes to stare down at the ground. "No, Dash. What I mean is… no one's parents understand them. And some parents…" he trails off again, glancing up at me with a grimace on his face. "I have it  _easy_ ," he practically spits through gritted teeth.

I hear the unspoken " _compared to you_ " in the look he gives me. In the way his gaze is steady despite the flush high on his cheeks. In the way his hesitation creeps back in the longer I leave us in silence. I don't know how to say what he needs to hear and the things I'm burning to say at the same time. I don't know how to make what I want and what he needs the same thing.

"Please don't compare your parents to mine," slips out before I can stop myself.

Danny's biting into his bottom lip when I look up at him and I realize I don't regret the words I couldn't stop. Because if he can promise me one thing, this would be enough. I know what it's like to play the comparison game. To lie awake at night, convincing yourself that you have it easy. That you don't have the right to  _suffer_ just because of a few bruises. I  _hate_ playing that game and I hate that Danny knows how to play it too.

"It's different with me," I mumble, unable to hold his gaze despite the way he stares at me earnestly. It  _is_ different for me. Everything about it is different. His parents might not understand him but that doesn't mean the way that he feels is somehow less because my dad likes to use me as a punching bag. No one can help the way that they feel. Danny's pain is still valid even if his parents don't leave physical marks on him.

I angle myself toward him more and after a few seconds of hesitation, I manage to meet his gaze. "It's not… fair to say that… your suffering doesn't matter because… because someone else suffers too," I say, watching Danny's chest rise and fall as he stares at me, that flush darkening on his cheeks. "I don't want you… thinking that you don't have a right to the way that you feel just because I'm… because I'm…"

Danny lets his lip go from his teeth and exhales out a breath that shakes. I can feel his gaze on me but I can't meet his stare. I want to reach across the distance between us, hold him in my arms, and tell him everything's gonna be okay. Because he deserves to hear it. He deserves to have someone believe in him and for the rest of my life, that someone will be me.

"No one can tell you how to feel  _pain_ ," I say, managing to find a shred of bravery within my exhausted soul and I use it to look up at him. To meet his gaze. To show him that I mean every word I say even if I can't believe it about myself.

He's the one to look away from me and I almost breathe a sigh of relief. I want to ask him about it – or tell him that his parents are clearly wrong for ever making him feel this way – but I don't get the chance to.

Kwan's car is pulling up a couple aisles over from where I am and I shift my gaze across the parking lot to watch him. He circles the parking lot once before he pulls his car into the space next to mine and parks. I can see him checking over his reflection in the mirror and I'm reminded that Danny isn't the only one I care about that's hurting today.

I spare another glance at Danny and he's looking Kwan's way curiously as my best friend gets out of his car. Kwan shuffles over to me and immediately sticks his hand out for his coffee. I oblige, handing over the cup to him.

"Just so you know, the barista looked at me like I was a freak when I asked if the holiday drink was in yet. So, caramel latte for you," I say, watching as Kwan rolls his eyes.

He sees Danny and for a split second my heart jumps as my best friend smirks behind his coffee cup, giving me a subtle glance. I don't know if the feeling sparking to life inside of me right now has anything to do with the way I feel for him or if it's simply because of our conversation that we didn't get to finish but… I recognize the look on Kwan's face as teasing. He takes a slow sip of coffee before he looks at Danny, the expression on his face back to neutral. Or… as neutral as he can get.

"Hey, how's it going?" Kwan asks, sweeping his gaze out to the parking lot to make it a little less obvious that he's talking directly to Danny. Kwan's my best friend so he knows I'd kill him if he says anything to our teammates but I trust him not to. Well… mostly.

Danny gives him a smile when Kwan looks back at him and slides off the hood of my car. He asks Kwan a question about their algebra homework and the two of them start in on a conversation that goes right over my head. I sip from my coffee cup in silence and Paulina calls my name softly, quickly taking the space Danny was just occupying. She gives me a smile that's easier for me to return than I thought it would be.

"You look like hell," she says with a laugh and I can't help but laugh too. It's true, I look like shit. Though the bruises are mostly fading, a lot of them are that sickly green color.

Jeff leans against the side of my car, apparently having given up on beating Keith in their game, and gives me a concerned look. "You… okay, man?" he asks. He's never really been one to worry about people but I guess learning about my dad kinda changed the way he sees me. Which is probably normal but I don't like being treated any different. So dad knocks me around sometimes, so what?

"Okay enough to do this." I set my cup on my car, sliding off the hood to grab Jeff in a headlock. He struggles against my grip before he resorts to pounding his fists against my arm, laughing hysterically as I keep my hold on him. He tries to get away from me but I'm a hell of a lot stronger than he is so I decide to be nice and let up.

He staggers backward a step, glaring at me as he straightens his shirt. The glare loses something with the grin tugging at his face and he shakes his head, looking away from me. "You fucking asshole."

I laugh at the expression on his face, feeling a million times lighter than I should. I'm still bruised from the last time dad worked me over, the boy I've fallen for has someone else that holds him, and along with my best friend, he's going through some really tough shit. But I feel better than I have in months and I gulp down my coffee again, sticking my tongue out at Jeff in between mouthfuls of delicious caffeine.

"Dash."

Kwan's suddenly next to me, his hand sliding into mine as he stares out into the parking lot, his eyes wide. His hand is shaking in mine and I try to look where he is. People are moving around the parking lot but I don't see what Kwan sees. I don't see the thing that's got him wrecked, that has his hand so tight in mine, I'm sure he must be breaking my fingers. Just as I start to turn back to Kwan, I catch sight of what's fucking with him.

Across the lot, Jared's looking around the parking lot and Kwan turns away from him, quietly breathing out. "Oh my god."

It takes me a few seconds to react but I'm not letting Jared get close enough to fuck with Kwan's head. "Hey, come on. Let's just go inside," I say, trying to be quiet but Paulina still hears me.

She glances between the two of us before looking where I was and I guess she figures it out cause she gets on Kwan's other side and the three of us start for the door. We're almost at the stairs when Jared notices us and calls out to Kwan, telling him to wait.

Kwan's shaking as he glances over his shoulder and I try to usher him up the stairs but he's frozen. "D-Dash, I can't do this," he whispers, his whole body shaking but he's not moving to get away from this. His stare is fixated on Jared who's spreading his arms out, like he doesn't know what to say, shaking his head as he gets closer to us.

"I'm sorry," Jared says softly and Kwan glances around the parking lot. Aside from our teammates and the cheerleaders, there aren't that many people that are close to us but a lot of people are looking our way, trying to figure out what's going on.

Jared exhales out, running a hand through his hair as he looks away from us. Kwan makes a soft noise behind me and I step in front of him, almost blocking him from view. He's said before that he doesn't care who knows that he's gay but I know my best friend. This isn't exactly the way he wanted to come out.

I glance around the parking lot too, trying to assess how many people will be able to see this go down and how fast the news will spread, when I meet Danny's gaze. He looks from me to Kwan and a sad look passes over his face, almost immediately replaced by determination.

Danny pulls his backpack off and lets it hit the ground, the noise drawing attention to him. He huffs out a breath and starts toward Jared, slamming his palms into the guy's chest when he's close enough.

"Yeah? Well sorry doesn't cut it," Danny says, pushing him backward. "I  _trusted_  you. And you betrayed me. J-Just get out of here, alright? No one wants you here."

Jared seems just as confused as Kwan is but it only takes me a split second to realize what the hell Danny's doing. He's trying to make everyone around us believe that Jared's apologizing to  _him_ , so the focus is off Kwan. Which is about the most selfless fucking thing I can imagine.

"I don't-"

Danny cuts Jared off by shoving him again and I think I'm the only one who notices the faint green glow around Danny's palms as he lands another hit. "Just get out of here! I don't want you s-so just get lost!" Danny yells, rearing back to slam into Jared's chest again. The glow around his hands is getting brighter and I wonder how long it'll take until he does to Jared what he did to our coffee cups the night he told me he's the phantom.

I leave Kwan where he's standing and grab Danny by the shoulders, carefully pulling him backward. "Danny, it's okay, stop. He's not worth it, stop," I say, turning him around so his back is to the crowd. "Your hands," I mouth and he drops his gaze to his palms, still glowing slightly green.

He makes a face and juts his chin out toward Jared. "I hate you."

Jared gives me a 'what-the-fuck' look and I let go of Danny, taking a step closer to Jared. I drop my voice so only he can hear me and I just barely manage to stop myself from trying to cave his skull in. "Get the fuck out of here. And don't bother Kwan again," I say, watching the way Jared seems to almost flinch under my gaze. He lets out a scoff, stepping back from me with his hands raised.

"Fine, whatever. Shoulda known, never fuck a high school kid. Too needy and stupid and-"

Danny's suddenly in front of me, landing a punch to the guy's face that I would have  _killed_  to throw. I just manage to hold Danny back from hitting him again and Jared starts away from us, looking back to glare at the boy in my arms.

After Danny yells after Jared a couple times, he lets out a breath, pushing against my hold and I let him go. He watches Jared for a few seconds before he turns around to face me, giving me a small smile. The crowd slowly starts dispersing, all giving Danny curious looks, and Kwan slowly makes his way over to us, watching Jared go for a few seconds before he looks at Danny.

"You… didn't have to do that…" Kwan breathes out, looking somewhere between hugging Danny and just collapsing on the gravel.

Danny shrugs, stooping down to grab his backpack from the ground. "I didn't want some jerk to ruin your senior year by outing you or anything." He pauses before a grin passes over his face. "Besides, I kind of imagined him as my ex and it made yelling at him kinda fun."

_Ex…?_ At the club, Danny said he was with someone… did they break up after it too, like Kwan and Jared? Or was Danny talking about a different someone when I was flirting with him at the club?

"Everyone's… probably gonna be talking about you now," I say, my eyebrows drawing down as I look at Danny. I sure as hell didn't want Kwan to have to deal with whatever shit our classmates would say about him but I don't want it to happen to Danny either.

Danny shrugs like it doesn't matter. "Wouldn't be the first time." He looks at Kwan, his carefree expression disappearing. "You okay?"

Kwan nods, his gaze dropping to the ground as he shakes his head. "You really didn't have to do that for me… God, I can't imagine what people are gonna say about you… everyone's gonna know that you're… I mean, if you even are…?" he stammers out, not finishing his sentence but I think Danny gets what he's saying.

Danny gives him a funny look, glancing between the two of us before he arches an eyebrow higher. A stuttered laugh leaves him, like he can't believe what we're saying. "Uhh… I don't think anyone's gonna be surprised? Not after Paulina outed me in sophomore year, that was pretty unforgettable."

I look at Kwan at the same time he looks at me and we give each other similar 'what-the-fuck' looks. I don't… remember that at all. I would have heard about it before now, wouldn't I? Or does the student body move on so fast from news that I missed it?

"Wow, okay… Um, apparently it is forgettable." Danny rubs the back of his neck awkwardly and I'm pretty sure my face looks the way Kwan's does. Neither one of us are sure what to say and I really don't want to say the wrong thing right now.

Kwan runs a hand through his hair, exhaling softly. "I don't remember a lot of sophomore year it was… a really weird year for me." He glances my way and I know he's talking about figuring out his sexuality. Even though Danny's fully aware that Kwan's gay, I guess my best friend doesn't want to share the details with anyone but me.

"Y-Yeah, same," I mumble, feeling my face flush as Danny looks toward me. I didn't come to school a lot in sophomore year. Dad was really hard to handle that year and I spent more time in the hospital than I've ever spent in a single year before. But fuck, shouldn't I remember hearing something about this thing with Danny? Even just a whisper in the halls? Or was he so far off my radar back then that hearing something about him didn't faze me the way it does now?

After a second or two of hesitation, Danny shrugs, a smile easily pushing its way back onto his face. "I feel that, sophomore year was  _really_  weird. Besides, neither one of you knew me back then so it's not like it would have been a big deal if you'd known when it happened."

Considering the fact that my best friend is gay, if I'd known that my then-girlfriend had outed someone, I think it would have been a huge fucking deal. Even now that we're not together anymore and I have no right to get angry with her over this, I'm still practically  _shaking_  just thinking about it. I can't even begin to imagine what that year was like for Danny.

"Anyway, we should probably head inside before we miss the bell," Danny says, giving us both a bright smile that he shouldn't be capable of. If someone had ever told the entire student body about the shit my dad does or even how I was dealing after mom left, I'm pretty sure I would have just fallen apart and never come back to school. But Danny's standing in the parking lot, smiling at me and Kwan like nothing's wrong and I'd give anything to have his strength.

 

* * *

 

 

Kwan and I have history class together but I don't see Danny again until the bell rings for lunch. He's hanging around outside the cafeteria doors when Kwan and I head his way. It only takes one glance for Kwan to get what I want and he smiles at Danny before he passes by him and disappears into the cafeteria.

"Hey," Danny says, smiling up at me as I come to a stop. He glances behind him, his brows drawing down as he lets out a soft breath. He chews on his bottom lip as he looks back at me and the sight distracts me from his question. "Is… Kwan okay?"

I glance past Danny to where my best friend is, standing in the lunch line with Keith and Jeff, before I meet Danny's gaze as I shake my head. "No, probably won't be for a while. But he will be, eventually." I don't know how long it'll take Kwan to start feeling better. I have no ballpark figure to go off of cause whenever Paulina and I ended things, there was a lot of drama involved but it never really hurt. I missed her but it was never like I needed to be with her. At least… not like the way I ache for the boy standing in front of me.

Danny nods, glancing away from me for a second or two. He chews on his lip again before he meets my gaze, a smile stretching across his face. "Come on, we should get some food so Jeff can steal more of yours," he jokes, the smile reaching his eyes.

He starts to turn away from me but realizes that I'm not following after him. I really don't want to ask him any questions in front of my friends and I think he can see the hesitance on my face. He watches my expression, apparently waiting for me to do something.

"What's up?" Danny finally asks, leaning back against the doorframe as he holds my gaze. It's impossible for me to keep eye contact with him while my mind is running with all the things I want to do with and to him.

I don't have the words to ask what it is I want to know. What I have no  _right_ to know. It's none of my business how this whole shit storm went down with Paulina but it's scratching at me. It's carving out my bones until the constant questions hammering in my brain are enough to make me sick. I  _have_ to know. Because he's so fucking important to me and I need to know how deeply my ex-girlfriend hurt him. So I know where to press bandages to his scars and how to tell him that everything will be okay.

"If this has something to do with what I was telling you about this morning… I've sort of come up with a way to fix it. I know how to get my dad on my side at least. My mom's another story but as long as he's in my corner then I can do what I want," he says, his eyebrows drawing down as he watches me. "Unless this is about something else…?"

He falls silent when I nod and I clear my throat twice to distract myself from the flush continuing to creep up my skin. "Um…" I let out a shaky breath, forcing myself to meet his gaze. "Wh-What you said earlier… about Paulina…"

Danny's expression changes a little but he nods and I guess that's his way of letting me know it's okay to continue. Considering I seem to have made a habit of pushing him too far, I take his nod as a good sign.

I rub the back of my neck, trying to come up with the right words to phrase what's in my head. "I-I was wondering what you… Sh-She's just made it seem like… Not that I think you actually  _did_  anything, I just… ahh… you know?"

"Dash," Danny says, putting a hand on my arm. He frowns when I look up at him and shakes his head. "I don't know what you're trying to say." He pauses for a second before he pulls his hand back. "Start over."

He holds my gaze as I let out a breath and I feel more awkward asking it while staring into his eyes but I can't tear my gaze away. "I-I was wondering… what happened before she did that to you? From everything she's said about you… sh-she just kind of made it seem like you'd done something horrible to her a-and that's why she was always picking on you."

Danny's gaze leaves mine and his expression hardens a little. "Yeah," he mumbles with a shrug, before giving me a deadpan stare. "We were lab partners in the second semester of sophomore year. I knocked over a beaker and it spilled on her. She kinda freaked at first but she wasn't mad at me. She just kind of panicked." His stare shifts from mine and he lets out a breath. "Three days later, the cheerleading team did a routine during a pep rally and for part of it, they chanted something that told everyone in the room that I'm gay."

Shit.  _Fuck._  That's a hell of a lot worse than I was picturing. God, why would Paulina do that? I can't wrap my head around it or figure out why she would do that to him. It's just so fucked up. Too fucked up to make any kind of sense.  _What the fuck did she do that for?_

I let out a breath that probably sounds less frustrated than I am. Danny tries to shrug it off and act like it's okay but it's not. It's nowhere close to okay. It's completely fucked up and I can't understand why Paulina would do something like that. And why the fuck the other cheerleaders would go along with it. God, what the fuck is wrong with them?

"Come on, let's forget about this and go eat." He gives me a smile but it quickly fades and his eyebrows draw down again. "Please don't make a big deal about this, okay? Everything's finally calmed down and I don't want to stir anything back up again… you can understand that, right? I just want things to stay normal for now."

He gives me a pleading look and I don't think I have a choice. How could I ever deny Danny anything he asks?

 

* * *

 

 

I try not to look at Paulina as she sits with us at lunch, knowing I won't be able to hold back my anger or questions as soon as I see her. She had no fucking right to do that… and to  _Danny_  of all people? What the fuck did he ever do? I guess she picks up that I'm not interested in talking to her cause after a few minutes, she stops trying to include me in her conversations.

Danny shoots me a look like he wants me to be nice but I can't be right now. Not when I know that the boy sitting next to me stopped my best friend from being outed cause he knows what it feels like. Cause my ex-girlfriend did a fucking cheer about him.

Jeff leans over to slug me on the arm and laughs at the glare I give him.

"You deserved that," he says, cramming a wad of food into his mouth. "You should know better than to try and keep a headlock on the great Jeff Steele!" he practically shouts, pounding his fists against his chest and imitating a Tarzan yell.

Star rolls her eyes, looking toward Paulina with a small laugh. "He's so obnoxious."

"You love me anyway," Jeff says, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek. He gives her a grin before his gaze shifts toward Danny and the smile fades. "Sorry… if this is bothering you."

Danny gives him a blank look and shakes his head like he doesn't understand. Jeff looks toward me but apparently, my expression is the same as Danny's cause Jeff looks away from both of us with a heavy sigh.

"Cause of… y'know… earlier," he says, slouching down in his chair before glancing at Danny again. "With your… boyfriend? Or ex-boyfriend I guess?"

It takes both Danny and I a second to figure out what the fuck he's talking about but Danny recovers faster than I do, offering up a shrug in the silence. "It's fine," he says, giving Jeff a smile that I'm pretty sure is supposed to look forced to sell this whole thing. "I'm not gonna ask you guys to stop or anything."

Jeff nods like everything's cool but I can tell from his expression that there's more he wants to say. Silence settles over the table but Danny doesn't start eating again. His hands are balled into fists in his lap and I wonder how much of that is for show.

"But he  _was_  your boyfriend, right? Like… you guys were together or something?" Jeff asks, glancing toward Kwan when he groans softly. Jeff looks like he wants to question the noise but Danny gets the focus off my best friend easily.

"Yeah," Danny says, his tone of voice the perfect blend of frustrated and upset. Like he's not sure if he should be mad at himself or at his ex. It's pretty much exactly what Kwan's voice sounded like the other night. Danny's either pulling from personal experience or he's really good at bullshitting.

He meets my gaze when I look at him but he quickly turns away, letting out a shaky breath. "It's just… he was such an asshole and it took me so long to see it. I feel like an idiot."

"You're not an idiot," Keith says, cutting off whatever question Jeff was starting to ask. Keith glances toward our teammate before he focuses on Danny, offering up a shrug. "A lot of people find it really difficult to realize what's right in front of them. Not to mention he was probably screwing with your emotions."

Danny lets out a humorless laugh and I don't think this is all for show anymore. His tense posture and the tightening around his eyes can't be acting. He's not just pretending for the sake of keeping the attention off Kwan anymore. He's talking about the ex he mentioned to Kwan and I in the parking lot.

Someone pushes away from the table and the movement draws my attention. Roxane stands up from her chair and picks up her bag, slinging it onto her shoulder. "If I wanted to hear about petty relationship drama, I'd call my sister." She rolls her eyes before pushing her chair under the table again, the seat nudging against my knee.

"I don't care about all this gay shit," Roxane says, glancing toward Paulina and Star. "Call me when there's something more interesting going on."

She's only halfway across the cafeteria when someone else decides to leave too and I don't think any of us are surprised to see Blake go. He tosses a glance back at the table before he follows after Roxane, practically trailing after her like a fucking puppy.

Blake's always talking to us about her in the locker room and listing off all the things he'd like to do to her. For the most part, it's big talk cause there's no way in hell she'd go for even half of what he wants to do. But I guess it's not all just talk. What a fucking time for them to pull this shit.

Danny won't look at any of us, his expression seeming like he really took to heart the stupid fucking things Roxane said. I don't know if I hate Paulina or Roxane more right now. Seeing the look on Danny's face, I'm leaning more toward Roxane.

"Assholes," Keith mutters, shaking his head when I look toward him.

I exhale out a breath that lets everyone know just how frustrated I am at this whole fucked up situation. "Keith's right. They're fucking pricks," I say, glancing toward Danny but my gaze strays over to Kwan, too. "There's nothing wrong with you."

Kwan drops his gaze from mine and to everyone else, it looks like I'm just talking to Danny. But my best friend knows how much of this is for him too.

"Seriously. You're not responsible for the way people feel about you," I say, dropping my hand into my lap as subtly as I can. "There's always gonna be somebody that thinks you're wrong. But at the end of the day, the only person you have to take care of is yourself. Anyone else can go fuck themselves."

Danny lets out a sigh when I nudge my hand against his knee. He drops his hand beneath the table to grab mine and I squeeze his palm gently. He glances toward me with a smile that I'm almost surprised to see is so sad. I wish I was sitting close enough to Kwan to hold his hand too but for now, at least I can help Danny. He doesn't deserve half the shit he's been through and I wish I could make life easier for him. Cause Danny's just been in one corner of the world his whole life, one that doesn't understand how beautiful he is. And he's not the kind of boy that belongs in one place. He deserves the whole fucking universe laid out for him like a road map.

 

* * *

 

 

"Livermore isn't gonna know what hit them when the Ravens show up," someone calls from behind me as I'm walking across the parking lot with Kwan, headed to my car.

Practice ran longer than it normally does considering who we're up against this week. Livermore has a track record of crushing their opponent and we're not willing to hand over the championship title to them for another year.

Most of the after-school clubs have left for the day, the only people still here are my teammates and Coach. But apparently Paulina decided to hang around.

"Seriously, you looked really good out there," she says, crossing the parking lot and falling into step beside me. Kwan acknowledges her with a smile but I can't look at her, still too angry for Danny.

Oblivious to my brewing anger, Paulina keeps up steady chatter as I continue on to my car. She talks about the upcoming game and how much she's looking forward to the weekend away. She mentions something about Jeff possibly hitching a ride with her and Star when we leave for the game.

"Are you guys taking the bus again or you driving there this year?" Paulina asks, pushing her hair behind her ear as she gives us both a bright smile.

We've stopped next to my car and I busy myself unlocking my trunk, leaving Kwan to answer. He glances toward me before letting out a sigh, offering up a shrug. "I don't know. I don't really care either. I'm just looking forward to getting out of Amity Park for the weekend."

Paulina hesitates for a few seconds before I hear her talk, my back to both of them now.

"Yeah, I… saw what happened this morning," she says softly and the tone of her voice makes my skin crawl. It sounds like she cares about him. How can she care about Kwan when she treated Danny like shit for the same thing?

Kwan leans against the side of my car, glancing at me in the silence. I meet his gaze for a second or two before I'm focused on tossing my duffel bag into the trunk. Paulina steps closer to Kwan, placing a hand on his arm. From the angle I'm seeing her at, she looks sympathetic enough but it's hard to tell if it's an act.

"For what it's worth, I think that guy was an asshole. I don't know the whole story but whatever reason you broke up with him for must've been a good one. And honestly, he doesn't know what he's missing." Paulina smiles at Kwan and I can tell that Kwan's returning it. I wish I could let this moment be a happy one but I keep seeing Danny's face, his eyes filled with tears, and I can't.

I slam my trunk closed harder than necessary and they both look at me. Kwan shoots me a look like I should chill the fuck out and he's probably right. It's been a while since Paulina outed Danny, there's no reason to bring it up now. He asked me not to make this weird. Not to bring shit up. I try to convince myself to listen to what he asked of me but when I look at her, I can't stop myself.

"Funny how it's okay for Kwan to have a boyfriend," I say, watching the way her eyebrows draw down. She glances between the two of us like she's confused and I roll my eyes.

"I don't… understand what you're talking about," Paulina says with a frown.

I lean my back against my car, ignoring Kwan's pointed look. I'm unable to stop the scoff from leaving me as I cross my arms. "Just wondering when your opinion on guys dating each other changed. Last year? This summer?"

Paulina still looks confused but all it takes is me spitting his name for her eyes to widen. She meets my gaze and we stare at each other as she lets out a breath. She looks away from me, barely glancing at Kwan before she speaks. "That was… I-I really… screwed up then," she mumbles and I hate that I can't tell if she's faking or not. She runs a hand down her ponytail, shaking her head slowly. "I mean I  _really_  screwed up. He didn't… that was my fault."

Kwan glances at me, probably wondering if I'm gonna let it go at that but I don't return his stare. He should know by now that I'm stubborn as fuck and there's no way I'm letting Paulina off this easy.

"Why?" I ask, waiting until she looks up at me to continue. "Why  _him_? What the fuck did he ever do to you? And tell me you didn't actually do a fucking cheer about it."

Paulina opens and closes her mouth, dropping her stare back to the pavement in the silence. She fidgets with her bag, chancing a look toward Kwan as she lets out a quiet breath. "Um…" she trails off quickly, glancing around the parking lot. I wonder if she's looking around for anyone else, checking to make sure her reputation is still intact. I can't fucking care about what other people think anymore.

"God, just when I thought things were good between us, I find out about this shit." I push my fingers through my hair, letting out a low breath. "I just don't fucking get it, Paulina. He didn't do  _anything_ to deserve that."

Paulina makes a face, shaking her head. "No, he didn't… And I know that what I did was horrible. He didn't do anything, it was all my fault. And believe me, I think about it a lot, okay? If I could do it all over again, I would never do what I did, it was stupid. I'm sorry, I should never have hurt him."

"I'm not the one who should be hearing this," I manage to say without sounding like I'm trying to spit fire. Paulina immediately nods and tells me I'm right. I know I should let it go there, just accept her apology that shouldn't even be for me but I can't bring myself to stay quiet. Too many questions are crowding up my brain, demanding to be answered, and before I can stop it, one of them spills from me.

"How am I supposed to trust that you'll never out  _me_  like that?"

Her eyes slowly widen and she looks from me to Kwan. I feel the heat flood my face instantly and though my first instinct is to look away or just get into my car and avoid this awkward conversation, I'm determined as fuck not to run away again just cause things are little awkward.

Paulina shakes her head, opening and closing her mouth again like she's not sure what to say. I don't know what I want her to say but something would be a hell of a lot better than nothing.

"Y-You're… gay?" she almost whispers, taking a step closer to me. I welcome her touch when she places her hand on my arm and a shaky breath leaves me.

I don't know. I know I like Danny and that his smile makes my whole body feel like it's on fire. But I know the way I felt for Paulina hasn't just disappeared. Right now, I don't give a shit about her but I know as soon as I pull my head out of my ass and accept that what she did was a long time ago, I'll care again. And as much as I want to just say I'm gay and have that shit figured out, I think part of me will always have feelings for Paulina or girls in general.

I flick my gaze out into the parking lot, attempting to process the thoughts running through my head but it's all a jumbled mess. I like Danny but I know in the past, I loved Paulina. Right now a part of me fucking hates her but in the past… god, the past.

"I don't know," I mumble, running a hand through my hair. Everything is so fucking confusing and I really wish I could just pick between liking guys or girls.

Kwan moves to lean against the trunk of my car next to me, meeting my gaze when I glance toward him. I can tell his hesitation is cause Paulina's here but it's not like anything he says will surprise her any more than I already have.

"What is it?" I ask, giving Kwan the only push he needed.

He chews on his bottom lip for a split second before he shrugs. "I was just gonna say that…" He exhales out, shaking his head. "Um, gay probably isn't the right term for you. I know you mentioned something about still liking girls?" he asks, glancing toward Paulina who looks between the two of us again. "I don't know that much about what it's like to have feelings for both but I know there's a number of different sexualities that might fit with how you feel."

I've always looked at girls. Ever since middle school, they've been on my radar. I don't love Paulina anymore but I still notice girls. Even when I'm not trying to, I notice them just as much as I notice Danny. I almost kissed the bartender at the club the other night and even though I wanted to, I went home with some girl instead. God, what the fuck is wrong with me?

"Maybe I just can't make up my fucking mind. I'm just not normal," I respond, pulling my arm from Paulina. I gesture to my car, hoping that they both let me off easy. "I should head in to work, I'm on the schedule late tonight." I haven't been back to the garage since that car almost fell on me but neither of them need to know that.

"Who the fuck is normal?"

Paulina gives me a look when I turn back to her. "Seriously. Who gets the choice in defining what's 'normal'? Cause I don't think anyone in Amity Park meets that definition, Dash."

"You make your own normal," Kwan says and she glances at him before quickly nodding.

"Right, exactly. And your normal is whatever you want it to be," Paulina says, stepping toward me when I don't respond. She puts her hand on my arm again as a frown creases her features. "I don't want you to think that I… Dash, I would never out you, that's not… I'm not that person anymore."

She gives me a pleading look like she wants me to believe her. To just accept what is and not question it. I want to push her away and demand to know why she did what she did to Danny but I don't want to be an asshole. So I nod instead, dropping my gaze from hers in the silence.

Paulina's breath hitches as she inhales and her hand curls tighter around my arm. "Dash, are you… did you start to realize the way that you feel after you met Danny?"

My breath hitches too but it takes me longer to recover than her. I end up going with a nod but it feels too casual. Maybe I should say something about him but I can't think of anything. I don't know how to put into words that his touch causes my heart to race and that his smile makes my boring days better.

"Y-Yeah," I mumble, running a hand down my face as I let out a shaky breath. I don't remember what my days were like before I looked forward to seeing Danny and sitting with him at lunch. Before I checked my phone all the time and waited around for him to text me. I don't think I was ever this way when I was with Paulina.

"You like him?" Paulina asks, her voice practically a whisper on the question. She makes it sound so easy. Like it's just as simple as  _liking_ him. But it's so much more than that and I don't know how to say it. How to tell her that holding Danny's hand is worth all the stupid algebra in the world. And I don't know how to say that his smile is so fucking adorable, it makes my chest ache the longer I don't get to hold him. And that I just want to protect him from all this fucked up shit with the things he's able to do and the people after him and-

"He's… yeah," I say, pulling my arm from her so I can cross my arms. Look stronger. My response is too casual and I want to say so much more about the beautiful boy I've fallen for. I want to say that his smile sends my heart racing and that he makes the sky above us look starless with just one look in his eyes but I know I'll choke on the words.

Kwan puts a hand on my shoulder, giving me a smile when I look at him. "It's okay. You don't have to come to any kind of a decision or anything now. Just give yourself some time to figure this out."

Paulina's quick to agree, telling me again that she would never out me before she says that I can tell her anything. I know they're both trying to make me feel more at ease with all this shit and I want to just accept it but I can't. I like Danny but it doesn't feel normal. Kwan figured his shit out and went for it. Despite the people around us that might judge him for the way that he feels, he didn't care, he just started going after what makes him happy.

But outside of Danny, I don't know what makes me happy. If I like girls or if I like guys. I just know that I like him. His blue eyes. His kind heart. The way he selflessly protected Kwan. How is it fair for me to want someone so fucking amazing when I'm just fucked-up?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! Thanks for checking out this update – I really appreciate that so many of you come back every update just to check out this fic
> 
> Poor Kwan, amiright? He wanted so badly to make this thing with Jared work but unfortunately, he didn't realize he was dating such a dick. Also, what do you think about Dash's mom? Do you think Dash should just do what she wants him to do or do you think she's selfish in what she's asked of him?
> 
> I know what most of you are thinking about though… Paulina outing Danny, huh? She apologized to Dash and seems to really regret what she did, but does it make it right to you? Does she seem sincere in what she's saying or do you think it's all just an act? I'd love to know what you're thinking
> 
> About the title… How could I write a chapter about a break-up like this and not use the amazing song by Sheryl Crow? If you haven't heard the song "The First Cut Is The Deepest" you need to. It so fits with Kwan and… not to spoil anything but it DEFINITELY fits Danny a little later on ;p
> 
> Short author's note this time around because unlike usually, I'm writing this right before I'm about to hit publish. Ordinarily I get everything ready Monday night so it'll go live on Tuesday morning/afternoon fairly easily but that wasn't the case this week… it's utter insanity you guys, I can't even begin to explain it
> 
> Anyway, that's pretty much all I wanted to say about this chapter. Like I said, I'd love to know what you think of it so please let me know either in the reviews or on my tumblr. Special thanks to Astro for giving me the name of the team the Ravens are up against in the championship game. They rock, you guys. Hit them up on tumblr (astrophantompines) if you want
> 
> I hope you guys have a great couple of weeks and I'll see you all in 56. See ya!


	56. Can You Fix The Broken?

I leave Kwan and Paulina in the parking lot after I give up on trying to struggle through answers about the way I feel. Not just for Danny but for people in general. It's hard to think about the fact that I could still see myself with Paulina and yet wonder what it would have been like to kiss that bartender. So I tell Paulina and Kwan that I need to go and they tell me to have a good shift at work.

Even though Alex probably won't let me back in the shop anytime soon, I head for the garage anyway. I just need to be somewhere that can unfuck my head. Somewhere I don't have to think about Danny and Paulina and the rest of the shit that my mind loves to torture me with.

Keith notices me first when I get to the garage and he waves at me when I get out of my car and I do my best to return the gesture. Alex realizes it's me just after my teammate does but he gives me a frown instead of a wave. I let my car door slam closed and busy myself with checking my phone before I shuffle forward, meeting Alex in the entryway of the garage.

Alex folds his arms over his chest, his gaze sweeping down my body. "What are you doing here?" he asks, shaking his head when I open my mouth. "Don't say that you're here to work. You're not coming in until you're healed."

"I'm fine, Alex," I mumble, plunging my hands into the depths of my pockets to seem casual despite the way I feel inside. A shaky breath leaves me and a quiet groan slips out as Alex uncrosses his arms.

He watches me for a few seconds before he puts his hand on my upper arm. "What is it?"

I don't know what to say. In the past, I would have blown his concern off and just clocked in anyway. Or if he really refused for me to work, I'd just go home. But I don't want to go home and for once, I don't want to work either. Being underneath a car always helps me calm down and gives me a sense of doing rather than just waiting around but I don't think I'd be any good at it today. There's too much shit crowding up my brain, I'm bound to forget something worse than when I forgot the jack stands and that car almost crushed me.

"Can I… just hang around here? While you work or something?" I ask, barely able to meet his gaze for more than a few seconds. I don't want him to say no cause I don't want to be alone. But fuck, maybe I  _want_ him to say no. So I have to go home and see dad again, try to work this shit out between us. I don't even know if dad would be home right now but working it out with him is better than giving my problems to Alex again and asking him to solve it.

Alex lets out a breath but it sounds more concerned than frustrated. "Sure. Come on," he says, taking a step backward into the shop. He leads me back to the bay he was working in, giving me a concerned glance when I stop beside him. He's working on his own car – a 1969 blue Mustang he's been slowly putting together for the last year and a half. I take in the beauty that is the car before I claim the stool to sit on.

I keep my gaze on the ground and lean my forearms against my knees to steady myself. I let out a breath and it sounds so much louder in the silence. Alex glances toward me at the noise and he hesitates before sinking down onto his shop creeper, one hand closed around a wrench.

He waits a few more seconds before he slides under the car, groaning softly as he works on the underside of the car. I expect him to ask me what's going on but he doesn't. He just quietly works and after a few minutes, I relax into the silence.

I let my stare drift out into the garage, watching Eric wipe down his tools before he leaves to clock out. Keith casts a few glances in my direction and I do my best to not make eye-contact. I don't want to talk about all the fucked-up shit in my mind right now and especially not with Keith. He has his own shit to deal with.

"Hey, hand me the ratchet wrench?" Alex asks, sliding out from under the car just far enough to see me. I glance at him before leaving the stool and getting the wrench he's looking for.

When I give it to him, his hand closes over mine before he gives me a look. He leans back on the creeper but doesn't slide under the car again, choosing to stare up at me instead. I find it hard to hold his gaze and I hate the silence over the two of us so I collapse back onto the stool, my legs shaky beneath me. He watches me for a few seconds before sliding under the car and I feel like I can breathe again.

"How… close are you to finishing?" I ask, scuffing the toe of my shoe against the concrete. Even though he's been repairing old junker cars for himself for as long as I've known him, I don't think that Alex will ever stop. Fixing something that's broken just appeals to him. I guess that's why he hasn't gotten rid of me yet.

Alex grunts softly from under the car, his lower half shifting as he tightens something. "At the rate I'm going? A while, especially if I keep running-" He lets out a breath that sounds a little frustrated. "-into problems. Not to mention… a part I need for the engine isn't sold here so it's gonna take a while to get my hands on it." He rolls out from under the car, glancing me over before he gets up from the creeper. He digs through his toolbox, muttering softly to himself before he glances my way.

"So. As much as you love cars, I doubt that's the reason for the visit today," he says, shifting things in his toolbox. His hand resurfaces with a different wrench and glances between it and the one that he was just using before chucking them both in the box again.

Everything's crowding up my mind and I can't think. There's so much shit I want to say and I want Alex to hear all of it. I want to tell him about the college that's interested in me and hear him say that he's proud of me. About mom and what she's asked of me. I need him to know that I told my teammates about the shit dad does to me and hear him say it's not my fault even if I can't fucking believe him. And Danny… God, I want Alex to know all about Danny. The way he makes my chest feel when he smiles; the way his eyes light up and how I ache to memorize his every movement; the feeling of his hand in mine… I want Alex to know everything I've been keeping inside of myself and I don't even know where to start.

"I've been talking to my mom," slips out in a whisper, and I swallow hard, keeping my stare trained down on the concrete. I never meant to say anything but all this shit is crowding up my headspace and I can't keep it all inside anymore. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears and I slowly draw in a breath, trying to let go of the tension in my gut.

Alex seems to freeze entirely and he doesn't say anything at first. He sets a few tools down on his work bench, running his fingers over them before he slowly turns away from me.

"Hey… Keith?" he calls across the shop, waiting until my teammate looks at him before he continues. "Listen… I'll still pay you for the hours, just… go ahead and take off early, okay? I'll finish up whatever you're working on."

Keith slowly rises from his crouched position in front of an Elantra, glancing between the two of us as he wipes grease from his hands on a rag. "Okay, sure," he says, dropping a screwdriver down into his open toolbox before he kicks it shut. "Um… is everything okay?"

Alex glances back at me but I can't meet his gaze. He only watches me for a second before speaking. "Yeah, everything's alright." He looks at Keith again, probably forcing the smile I can hear in his tone. "I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

My teammate looks past Alex, in my general direction, but I still can't look back at him. Keith hesitates for a second before he pushes out a heavy breath and gives in with a nod. "Okay, yeah… see you tomorrow."

Keith gathers up his phone and keys, the noise loud in the quiet of the shop, and Alex returns to his tools, shifting through a few of them but I can tell that his mind is far from his work right now. My throat is tighter than it should be in this moment and I hate that I can't tell if I'm asking too much of him again. Sometimes I wish he'd just push me away so I know where to draw the line between what I can ask of him and what I should deal with myself.

I pride myself on managing to look up at Keith as he heads for the exit. He notices my stare and gives me a little wave and somehow, the gesture is encouraging. I can't force myself to wave back or smile so I settle for a nod instead. After a second of hesitation, he leaves and then it's just me and Alex alone.

The silence is so heavy in the shop, I feel like I'm gonna choke on it. All the things I've been thinking but haven't voiced before now are filling up my mind and I hate the way tears prick the corners of my eyes like I can't hold myself together long enough to have a fucking conversation.

"So… when did this start?" Alex asks, kindly keeping his gaze away from me. He continues wiping down tools I know he's already cleaned, all to give me the privacy of trying to hold myself together. I know he can tell how close I am to breaking.

I blow out a long breath, my hands beginning to tremble and I press my palms together. After a second, I close my knees around my hands and squeeze hard enough to try to convince myself I'm not shaking. If I'm not shaking, I'm not panicking. If I'm not panicking, I'm not weak.

"Sh-She wrote me a letter… just after school started," I say, managing to keep my voice steady despite the tightness in my throat. I don't want to talk about mom – I never planned on telling Alex anything. But she wants me to tell people that I only ever witnessed the things my dad did. I know she's trying to protect mebut… I don't know if I should believe that. She left me once, how can I trust her not to do it again?

Alex sets a few of the tools down, nodding in the silence. One of the tools clinks against the other as he puts it down and my gaze is drawn to it. I watch his hands for a few seconds, cleaning off various wrenches and tools before he starts over again, all to keep from staring at me.

"She wants me… to lie," I say, my voice breaking halfway through. A drop splashes onto the concrete below me and I watch the spot before a second one joins it. I squeeze my eyes closed, drawing in a shuttering breath that I'm ashamed of. "I-I can't… pretend that he hasn't hurt me too… h-how can she ask me to? I-I…"

I cover my face with one shaky hand, trying to keep myself together. This isn't Alex's problem. It's mine. And I wish I wasn't dragging him into my shit again. He doesn't deserve this from me. He's got his shit to deal with, he shouldn't be worrying about me and mine.

Alex places a hand on my leg and I open my eyes at the contact. He watches me for a second before he kneels in front of me, reaching out to touch my face. His thumb swipes away the few tears I've let escape and I try to let them be the only ones. But the longer I stare at Alex, the more tears I can't hold back. I don't want to start sobbing like the last time I felt this way in front of Alex but the more I try to hold myself together, the harder it is.

"You don't have to do anything she asks you to," Alex says, his voice so soft I almost miss it. He holds my gaze when I manage to meet his and his eyebrows draw down as he shakes his head. "She… wants you to pretend that he hasn't hurt you?"

I nod, dropping my gaze from his. I swallow past the lump in my throat, somehow managing to keep myself together long enough to talk. "She… wants me to talk to her attorney a-and tell him that I only e-ever saw what dad did," I say, my voice cracking, threatening to show him how close I am to breaking. "Sh-She told me she w-wants to protect me."

Alex exhales out, his hand still resting on my face. "She might be protecting you but… it's your decision. If lying about it doesn't feel right to you, you don't have to do what she asks." He hesitates a second before gently brushing my cheek with the pad of his thumb. "If you still have the letter… can I see it?"

A breath leaves me and I nod again, slowly pulling away from him. He rises from the crouched position and steps back, giving me room to move. It takes me a second before I leave the stool and start for my car.

I haven't looked at the letter since the first time I read it but once I find it buried in my backpack, I'm left staring down at the envelope, my thumb tracing over the little heart beside my name. The panic is climbing back into my throat and I don't want to give this letter to Alex. I don't want him to read what she's said to me but I can't stop myself from slamming my door closed and starting up into the shop.

Alex is waiting in the bay, his arms folded over his chest as I slowly approach him. The letter feels like a fucking weight as I bring my hand up to give it to him. He watches me for a split second before he takes the envelope, carefully opening it up to get to the letter.

My nerves are eating away at me and I chew on my thumbnail as I watch Alex's frown get deeper and deeper the longer he reads mom's words. He opens his mouth once or twice, seems like he's gonna say something, but he closes it again without a sound.

His eyes scan over the first page again, flipping to the back to continue reading. He scoffs when he reaches the final line, turning back to the first page before he looks up at me. His eyebrows are drawn down and I can't help but look away from him after a second.

I shrug one shoulder. "She… explained a lot of what's in that letter a while ago but… that's the basics," I mumble, running a hand through my hair.  _Fuck, I shouldn't be dragging him into this._  "Last time I saw her she kinda-"

"Wait, hang on… you met up with her?" Alex asks, giving me a look when I glance up at him. He lets out a careful breath when I nod. "Okay. What'd she say?"

The look on Alex's face makes me feel like I should be protecting her but for once, I don't want to. After the shit Coach told me and the way she reacted about the fact that I'm considering college has my gut twisted so tight, I feel like I'm gonna vomit. Alex has always been on my side… if he doesn't think this is a good idea, maybe it's not. Maybe that's why I've been keeping it from him for so long.

"She uh… she told me that sh-she wanted me to come with her…" I say, dropping my gaze from him as I scratch the back of my head. "She said that she has to wait until everything's sorted s-so she can keep me safe legally… or something like that."

Alex raises an eyebrow. "Really? Is that all?"

I shrug, not wanting to tell him anything else but I end up speaking anyway. "W-Well, that was the first time. When I met with her the second time, she uh…" I run a hand through my hair, blowing out a breath. I don't want to bring up the shit Coach told me cause it still feels so raw even to think about. I don't know if I'm ready to bring someone else into that pain.

"Sh-She showed me this place… where she's planning on rebuilding her life. And she's got a steady job now and she's settled and…" I look up at Alex, the words tumbling from me. "She's happy and she's trying to get away from dad and I'm… I'm being fucking  _selfish_ , Alex. I should never have told her that I'd think about this. There's nothing to fucking think about. I should have just given her what she wanted the second she asked. She shouldn't have to  _beg_ me to help her. I'm her son, Alex. It's my  _job_  to-"

"You're not obligated to fix this for her," Alex says, speaking over me. His eyebrows are drawn down and he cuts me off when I try to speak. "No, I don't want to hear it. You're not responsible for her, Dash.  _You're_  the child, she's the adult. She should fix her own shit."

"Alex-"

"No." He holds my stare for a few seconds and a breath leaves me in the silence. "No. Nothing you say can excuse what she did. She  _left_  you, Dash," he says, like I've never realized until now. Like it hasn't weighed on my chest and kept me rooted in place before. Like it's not on my mind every second of every goddamn day since I opened her fucking letter. She left me. I  _know_  she left me. I wasn't good enough to take with her or maybe she's selfish or maybe the world is just fucked up and we can't fit together anymore. I don't know. I've never known.

Alex puts his hand on my arm. "She left you, Dash. You don't owe her an-"

"I know, okay?" I snap, clenching my hands into fists as I pull away from him. "You're not the first person to point out that she's gone. I know she left me, don't you think I've accepted that? I begged her not to go, to take me with her, to not leave me here with him. But she left anyway."

I'm trying my fucking hardest to fight back against the tears that are trying to well up again but it's a losing battle. I don't want to cry again. Not over mom. "I  _know_ ," I say, softer this time, all the anger leaving me with the breath I exhale out. "I-I wanted to go but she didn't take me and I don't… I don't know why, it's just…" I roughly swipe at my eyes, unable to keep the tears away as I lose all strength and fucking whisper, "Wh-What did I do wrong?"

Alex's suddenly holding me, my face pressed into his shoulder and I can't hold the tears back anymore. I'm so tired of crying over her. Over dad. Over anyone. Why does it always hurt so fucking badly? And how does Alex always know what to say or do to make me feel okay again? Why is he so much better at handling this shit than I am?

 

* * *

 

 

**From: Alex**

_**You've got this!** _

_**Give em hell this weekend, kid!** _

It's almost four on Thursday when Alex's texts light up my phone. I'm standing out in the parking lot with my teammates and most of the cheerleaders as I read Alex's messages, a smile tugging at my expression. The final game of the season is this weekend and I haven't been this excited in a long time. I'm standing at the end of one bus with my teammates, all of us waiting for Coach to check us off his list so he knows whether we're going on the bus or driving out for the game.

I respond to Alex's text with a stupid emoji cause I don't know what to say. It's only been a few days since I saw him last. When I was having a fucking breakdown at the garage and the memory is still too fresh in my mind to make texting him easy.

Coach is talking about how this game against Livermoreis going to go and I put my phone away, listening to what he's saying now. He's telling us that if we win, the Ravens will be the champions after losing three years straight. He says that if there isn't another group of players that could pull this off than us. That we're better than the other players he's coached and the feeling of pride stirs through all of us. It's not the first time that he's said something like that to us but it still works the way he wants it to. I know my teammates are pumped to finally play tomorrow and just watching them gets me energized too.

Our principal has cancelled school for tomorrow and I think she's just as anxious as we are for Casper High to bring home the win. Since tomorrow's free, a bunch of the students are driving out to watch the game tomorrow but my teammates and I have to be there tonight. Coach doesn't want to risk any of us getting lost on the way there. Especially considering a few of my teammates are driving out alone instead of taking the bus. And I definitely won't be on the bus either.

I slide my phone out of my pocket as Coach starts to cross people off his list. I check the time, wondering if I can convince Jeff or Kwan to ride with me instead of with Star and Paulina. On the one hand, the long stretch of road alone is gonna be nice but I don't know if I want to be alone either.

"Hey, you driving your car to the game?"

I don't have to turn around to know it's Danny but I do anyway, giving him a smile. "Probably," I respond, putting my phone away again. "Why? You hoping to hitch a ride with me?"

Danny's face is stained my favorite color as he slowly nods, dropping his gaze to the duffel bag he has clutched in his hands. "Y-Yeah… if you wouldn't mind?" he says more like a question and I don't know how I could ever say no to him. Not when he's giving me the smile that somehow makes me nervous.

"Of course I don't," I respond, digging my keys from my pocket. "Here. Put your stuff in my car. I'm just waiting for Coach to cross me off his list."

Danny gives me a nod accompanied with a bright smile and it almost floors me. He's gone before I have the chance to make an idiot of myself and I stare after him, a soft groan leaving me. Considering how nervous he makes me just from one of his smiles, is letting him in my car the best plan?

"What's wrong?" Kwan asks, suddenly next to me in line. His eyebrows are drawn down when I look at him but he quickly shifts his gaze out into the parking lot. He's glancing around like he's looking for what's causing the tension in me but his expression shifts when he sees what it is. Or  _who_ it is.

He looks back at me with a knowing smile and I roll my eyes, shoving his shoulder with mine. "Shut up, okay? I know, this is stupid," I glance up to make sure no one's listening to us but I drop my voice anyway. "He makes me really fucking nervous. Letting Danny ride with me before this game is probably a stupid idea."

Kwan shrugs, a smirk taking over his expression. "It's a better idea than letting him ride  _you_  before the game."

I think I die right there against the bus. I actually feel my body giving out at Kwan's fucking  _stupid_ response. My expression must be fucking priceless to him cause it only enhances that stupid ass grin on his face.

"Shut up before I kill you and then there won't be a fucking game to worry about," I say, shoving Kwan harder than necessary but he takes it with a laugh so I don't apologize. Not that he'd fucking deserve an apology from me after  _that_.

Coach looks up from his list and calls my name, nodding when I tell him I'm driving out. He crosses me off his list and tells me to follow the bus when it leaves. Kwan catches my eye before I manage to slip away and I give him an extended view of my middle finger as I walk toward my car.

Across the lot, Paulina and Star are climbing into Jeff's car and he's already got some obnoxious music pumping from his speakers. Good thing I didn't ask him to ride with me – I always forget how awful his music taste is.

Danny's leaning against the side of my car, scrolling through his phone when I stop in front of him and Kwan's words come back to me, forcing a shaky breath out of me. Danny looks up from his screen, a smile taking over his expression when he sees me.

"Hey." He pushes away from my car, sliding his phone into his pocket. I hate the way I can't tear my gaze away from watching his phone disappear, my attention entirely devoted to the outline it's made in the pocket of his jeans that fit him  _so_ fucking well. "You ready to go?"

I meet his gaze, already knowing that my face is probably flushed as hell. All I can think about is how different this drive up would be if Danny had been close enough to hear what my loser of a best friend just said to me.  _Fuck you, Kwan. And fuck_ me  _for still having that mental image stuck in my head_.

"Uhh… y-yeah!" I practically squeak, inwardly cringing at the way it sounds. I gesture to my car and start for the driver's side.

Danny gets into the passenger seat and I take in the parking lot along with another lungful of air before I open my door and settle down in the driver's seat. I keep my attention on the keys and starting my engine up before I spare a glance at the bus.

Coach is still standing outside but it looks like everyone's already on it. He's staring down at the clipboard in his hands but he slowly climbs the steps into the bus before the doors close behind him.

"We're supposed to follow the buses there," I explain, only looking toward Danny for a second or two before I tear my gaze away. I can't get the fucking butterflies in my stomach to calm down long enough for me to breathe comfortably. Knowing how nervous Danny makes me, I never should have offered the ride to him.

Danny settles back into the seat, clicking his seatbelt into place with a soft sigh. "So, my sister's been texting me a lot, asking if you'd come to Thanksgiving dinner at my place." He shrugs when I look toward him. "I was gonna invite you anyway but I think she'll disown me if I don't convince you to come."

"Wh-Why?"

The question's out of my mouth before I really think it through and I'm not even sure what I'm asking it for. Why is he bringing this up now, when Thanksgiving's still two weeks away? Why does his sister want me there? Why does  _he_  want me there?

Danny frowns, his eyebrows drawing downward. "Why what? Why does she want you there?" He deems my shrug a good enough answer and continues. "Cause she adores you, apparently," he mumbles softly, shaking his head. "She's asked a lot of questions since she met you."

I don't know how to feel about his sister and part of me is terrified that by "asking questions about me", Danny really means that she's interested in me. As in, wants to  _date_  me. I don't know why the fuck she would, it's not like I'm that great of a guy. And isn't it completely unrealistic for a college girl to be interested in me?

"Y-Yeah? What uh… what kind of questions?" I hope I'm just being an idiot and that she's not interested in me at all. I don't know how I'd manage to break the news to her that I can't date her because I think about her brother all the fucking time.

Danny shrugs, slouching down in his seat. "I don't know, all kinds. Like where you're going after high school, your interests, what you're like." He leans forward to play with the radio dial and nods toward my window. "The buses are leaving, by the way."

I look where he's nodded and put my car into drive, slowly easing out of the parking lot and away from where my mind's wandering. I really hope I'm just overthinking this whole thing and his sister's not into me at all. I've had my fair share of awkward conversations but one where I'd have to turn down a girl for her brother? God, that'd take the fucking cake.

 

* * *

 

 

The drive feels like it takes for-fucking-ever in the beginning but after a while, Danny turns some music on and the conversation between us starts to lose some of the tension. Mainly cause I manage to somehow put the thought of kissing him from my mind for longer than a few seconds.

We only stop once for gas and food and we make pretty decent time. By the time I park my car in the lot outside the hotel we're staying in, we're both exhausted from the drive but my car's one of the first ones here, aside from the buses. Coach is standing by one of the yellow beasts, directing my teammates and the cheerleaders inside the hotel and crossing more shit off his clipboard.

It's drizzling outside and the lights from the hotel sign and some of the neon signs outside of restaurants around the hotel are reflected in the puddles that have gathered in the parking lot from the rain. There's something in the air that feels tentative. Like this whole city is waiting to breathe until after the game. Until after one team wins and one team loses. Or maybe that's just me.

Coach looks up at the sound of my car door slamming shut and he watches us while Danny and I get our bags from the trunk. Coach glances between us before marking something down on his clipboard and he waits until we're close enough before he speaks.

"You should have told me you were bringing someone," he says, shaking his head almost as soon as the words leave his mouth. "Never mind, I'll fix it. I'll get your friend another room." He passes a key to me before exhaling out a breath. "I've already sent Kwan and Blake up to your room. Jeff will be joining you too whenever he shows up," Coach says, giving me a look that I'm sure is supposed to remind me that as captain, it's my job to make sure that my teammates don't do something stupid tonight or before the game tomorrow. I know Kwan will be fine and the only thing I'll have to stop Jeff from is sneaking over to whatever room Star is in but Blake on the other hand… there's never any guess what he'll do.

"R-Right… okay," I say, turning the key over in my hand before I look up at Coach again. "Can Danny stay with us instead of Jeff? There's two beds right – four of us?" Having Danny in the room with me before this game is probably the dumbest thing I've ever come up with but… I've already gotten attached to the idea of maybe having to share a bed with him.

Coach shrugs, dropping his gaze back to his clipboard. "If he wants to," he says, glancing up when Dale comes to a stop in front of him. My teammate listens to whatever room he's supposed to be in before he leaves, heading inside the hotel. I glance toward Danny and he lets out a quiet breath, hesitantly looking toward me as we start inside.

"I probably should have mentioned this to Coach," I say, glancing over my shoulder at him. "But don't worry, I won't let Kwan watch shitty soap operas all night. Scouts honor," I say with a grin that Danny doesn't return.

He groans softly instead and drops his bag onto the pavement. "I shouldn't have come," he says softly, glancing over his shoulder at Coach. "I-I need to tell him that I'll… pay for my own room." Danny turns on his heel with a heavy exhale as he starts for Coach again.

"Hey, wait." I grab him by the arm and turn him around. His teeth are digging into his bottom lip and his eyebrows are drawn down and I don't understand why he's that worried about Coach paying for an extra room. "The school funded this trip, okay? Trust me, if this was coming out of his pocket, he would have rented one room and made us all sleep on the floor."

He looks away from me and I guess I expected some of the tension to ease from him but it doesn't. Not even a little. His hands ball into fists beside him and he pulls away from me. I let him go for a second before I'm trailing after him.

Danny holds up a hand and it takes every bit of my willpower not to follow after him. He keeps walking but it's not toward Coach. He just paces the parking lot, staring up at the sky overhead and I'm frozen watching him. I don't know why he's so bothered by his room being paid for but I wish I'd just told Coach from the beginning if it meant this could be avoided.

I watch him for a few minutes but when he pulls his phone out and calls someone, I leave him alone and start inside the hotel. His bag is still on the ground where he left it and I grab it as I head inside. Danny didn't get a chance to see what room we're in so I hang out in the lobby, playing games on my phone to pass the time, hoping that whoever Danny talks to convinces him to stick around.

 

* * *

 

 

"Dash, what are you doing?" someone asks and my eyes snap open. I lift my head from where it's resting as I'm sprawled out on a couch, drool plastering my face to the cushions. Shit… did I actually fall asleep?

Paulina gives me a funny look when I glance back at her. She's quiet for a few seconds as she leans her forearms on the back of the couch, giving me a second to realize where the fuck I am before she speaks. "Why aren't you in your room?"

I swipe a hand down my face, fumbling for my phone to see the time. It's almost ten and I have no idea if Danny's still here. We pulled up just after eight and the sinking feeling in my gut is telling me that he's already on his way home.

"Something wrong?" Paulina asks, straightening up when I stand. I gather my bag along with Danny's and spare a glance in her direction.

I shake my head and look at the notifications on my phone, noting that I don't have any new texts from Danny. I don't think he's the type of person to just take off without letting me know but maybe he would…

"Have you seen Danny?" I ask, looking at Paulina again.

Her eyebrows draw down and she points behind me. I turn where she's looking and see Danny leaning against the reception counter. He's nodding to whatever the receptionist is telling him before he takes a key, leaving her with a soft smile.

Danny's steps falter when he sees me but he pushes out a breath and starts for me again. "I… H-Hey," he mumbles, rubbing at his arm. He glances at Paulina before nodding toward me. "Um… th-thanks for keeping up with my bag."

He holds out a hand for it and I hesitate a second before I give it to him. A fleeting smile cracks his worried expression for a moment and he shrugs a shoulder. "S-So, I should… probably go check out my room." Danny gestures toward the hall and I hate how nervous he still is.

Paulina glances between us before she excuses herself, quickly disappearing down the hall. Danny turns to watch her go and after a few seconds, he starts down the hall too. I only let him go for a second before I reach out and grab his arm.

Danny turns back to me, a hesitant expression on his face. I almost don't want to destroy that look he's wearing but the curiosity is killing me.

"Why… did you pay for your own room?" I ask, taking his hand in my own when he looks away from me. "Seriously, I told you. Coach isn't the one paying for this shit."

He shakes his head, glancing down at our hands. I'm suddenly aware of how unsteady mine is. I don't know why I'm shaking now of all times but Danny picks up on it and gently runs his thumb over the back of my hand. Like I need some kind of comfort.  _Fuck, Danny, I'm supposed to be comforting you._

"Just… cause. I don't… need the school – or anyone – to pay for my room." He shrugs, flicking his gaze up to mine again.

It's quiet between us for a few seconds until he roughly pushes out a breath as he tugs his hand from mine. "I'm exhausted and hungry. If you want to keep staring at me then at least follow me to my room so I can put my bag away before I find something to eat."

He starts down the hall, carrying his bag with him and I have no choice but to follow after him. We wait outside the elevator together until the doors part and let us inside. Thankfully we're alone so I don't have to focus on anyone else. But unfortunately, we're standing so close to each other, it makes me want to hit the emergency break so I can kiss him without anyone interrupting us. Which is a fucking awful thing to think in a cramped space like this one.

"I'm sorry for getting weird earlier," Danny says as the doors open. He starts off the elevator and I follow him off, turning over his words in my mind. He locates his room quickly and slides the key inside the lock, stepping back to let me go first.

He ditches his bag at the foot of his bed before he crawls onto the mattress with a contented sigh. He glances my way and I cross over to him, dropping my bag next to his. I sit on the edge of the bed and he watches me for a second before he stretches out on the mattress.

I want to mirror his position but I know the second I do, I won't be able to stop myself from rolling over and kissing him. Why… can't I kiss him? He told me he's gay and I'm… I'm  _something_. What's stopping me from pressing my lips to his to finally find out what he tastes like?

"I don't know if you thought it was weird b-but it felt weird to me," Danny says, pulling me from my thoughts. He offers up a little shrug and the sensible part of my brain finally catches on to what the hell I was thinking. Kiss Danny? Here?  _Now?_  When I'm his ride home and he just paid for his own room cause he didn't want to bother anyone?

"Wasn't… weird," I mumble, tearing my gaze away from him. I stare down at the carpet, afraid if my gaze gets anywhere near Danny, I'll put my mouth on his and everything will change. I  _want_  everything to change but… god, I have no fucking clue if he does. And if he doesn't? It'll fuck everything up and… I really don't want to lose him.

Danny sits up beside me, leaning his shoulder against mine and making this whole thing harder. How am I supposed to keep myself from touching him when he's so close and warm? When his skin brushes against mine as he slides his hand on top of mine.

"You okay?" he asks softly, stirring things in my chest I thought had died long ago. Things like hope. Like wanting to see what the future holds because that future might include Danny now.

I slowly nod, gently pulling my hand away from his. I can't look at him cause I don't want to see the expression on his face right now. I don't know if it's disappointed or worried or if he just looks like Danny. I can't see any of it. I'll kiss him or I'll tell him all the shit I don't bring up cause it's depressing as fuck or-

"By the way… my invitation earlier was serious. You should come to my place for Thanksgiving," he says, still leaning his shoulder against mine. He lets out a breath and I feel it move through him. I close my eyes, taking in the sound before I repeat it myself.

"It's… really more of a… family thing," I mumble, already knowing it won't take him long to talk me into it. A holiday spent away from dad and around people I actually care about? I'll fucking jump at that kind of chance. It also doesn't hurt that Danny's the one asking.

Danny leans away from me and lays back on the bed again. I miss his warmth immediately and something about the sudden distance feels bigger than just for comfort.

I turn to look at him and we stare at each other for a few seconds, my heart fucking pounding. I still don't trust myself but I lean back next to him, resting my face inches from his. My gaze instantly falls to his lips and I just want to reach out and touch him. Kiss him. God, I want to fucking kiss him.

"It's just my parents and my sister. It's not like we have extended family fly in or anything," Danny says, chewing on his bottom lip. "Though Tucker might join us this year…"

"Tucker?" I swipe a hand down my face, letting out a breath before I meet Danny's gaze again. "Is that the guy I talked to on your phone?"

Danny's face lights up and he nods. "Yeah, that's him." He stretches his arms over his head with a small sigh. "I'm surprised you remember him, honestly. A lot of people kind of block him from their minds cause he can be really obnoxious."

"Your um… sister wants me there?" I manage to cough out, somehow lifting my gaze from the curve of his mouth. He glances my way, nodding once, before his stare is on the ceiling again. I fucking hate that I have to even fucking ask this but I can't stop my mind from wandering. "She um… she's like… in college, yeah?"

Danny shifts on the mattress, nodding again. "Yeah. Sophomore."

A college girl doesn't usually hit on high school guys but… shit, I can't stop my mind from coming up with every awkward situation this would cause. If she likes me, I'll have to come clean to her at some point that I'm not interested in her at all cause I'm too busy thinking about fucking her brother.

"Why?" Danny asks, dropping his arm over his eyes with a heavy sigh.

Shit, I don't want to tell him what the fuck I'm thinking of. I don't expect every girl to fucking throw themselves at me but Danny said she was asking questions about me… he said she  _adores_ me. God, I'm reading way too far into this stupid fucking situation.

"She's not like… you said she uh… sh-she adores me?" I swallow hard when he nods. "Does she… have a boyfriend?"

He tenses, lifting his arm just high enough to look up at me with a small shake of his head. "Are you hitting on my sister?" My face fucking bursts into flames at his assumption but it cracks a smile on his face.

"N-No!" I manage, scrubbing a hand down my face. God, why would I hit on his sister?  _He's_ the one I fucking want. "I-Is she… hitting on me?" I ask, and the realization of how stupid that sounds hits me as soon as the words leave my mouth.

Danny lets out a noise that's some cross between a shriek and garbled laughter. "Oh my  _god_ , Dash!" he manages before laughter rocks through him and he rolls over onto his stomach to try and quiet the noise.

I know my face is bright fucking red. " _What_? I thought she was… sh-shut up!"

He twists on the mattress, burying his face in the covers in an attempt to conceal his laughter even more but it doesn't work. I resort to a one-man pillow fight with the nearest pillow until he sobers up enough.

"To answer your ridiculous question,  _no_ , my sister is not trying to hit on you," he says with another snort, shaking his head as he looks up at me. He tilts his head to one side and it looks almost like he's asking a question with the movement. Like he's wondering if I'm disappointed that she isn't. But I couldn't be more fucking relieved and I think it shows on my face.

Danny's still quietly chuckling as he flops back on the mattress with a sigh and that single noise makes me forget that he was ever teasing me. He runs a hand through his hair and I watch the strands curl around his fingers before he releases them and I  _hate_  myself for wanting his hands to be mine. So I could be the one touching him. I can picture myself smoothing his hair down and planting gentle kisses across his face after he's had a long day at work and I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I've never been the romantic type but I want to be with Danny. Cause I'm pathetic while he's perfect and I'd feel honored just to hold his fucking hand.

 

* * *

 

 

Several chaperones check into our rooms around curfew to make sure we're all where we're supposed to be. After we're settled for the night, it takes a while but my roommates drop off to sleep one by one. I can't turn my mind off and I stare up at the ceiling, feeling the nervous tension building in my gut.

I'm not one for pre-game jitters and this doesn't feel like that. The tension spiraling in my gut and up into my chest feels like it's over something so much bigger than a football game. I feel the crushing weight of  _everything_  hit me all at once and I don't know what to do with it. This feeling makes it hard to breathe and my chest is practically screaming as my heart pounds. I don't know why I'm starting to panic but I can't keep myself together and I shove my covers off, knowing that I'm nowhere close to sleeping right now.

Moving as quietly as I can, I slip my shoes on and grab my phone before I leave the room. I pace the hall for a few minutes but it's not enough. I'm too close to other people and I just need to get away. Find a space where I can breathe easier.

I take the elevator down to the lobby and wander outside, letting the cold night air hit me. I draw in one lungful of air after another, just trying to keep myself from panicking. It doesn't work and I curse myself for the way I can't stop shaking. The way I can't stop  _thinking_.

My phone is cold in my hand and I turn the screen on just as the time clicks over to two AM. I stare down at the time, letting out a slow breath before I unlock my phone. After a few minutes navigating through my recent calls, I find mom's number and my thumb hovers over the call button. I want to talk to her. Hear her voice. But I'm afraid to call her in this state. What if she's able to talk me out of everything I decided with Alex? What if one second into the call, I change my mind? Let her get to me again?

One tap is all it takes for the ringing to start and I press the phone to my ear, letting out a breath that hangs in the air. I watch it rise higher in the night sky before it evaporates into nothing just as the call connects.

" _He…llo?"_

I blow out a breath, feeling the tension coursing through me all over again. "Hey," I mumble, scrubbing a hand down my face in the silence. "I don't know why I'm calling you, it's late and I know I probably woke you and I'm sorry, it's just… everything is just-"

" _You got the wrong number, kid."_

I blink, pulling my phone away to check the number again just to make sure I didn't hit the wrong one. I hit the right number but… that's definitely a guy's voice.  _What the hell?_  "Uhh… I'm sorry, I was… I'm trying to reach my mom?" I say, more like a question, my mind racing.  _Who the hell just answered mom's phone?_

The guy lets out a soft grunt and exhales heavily before he's speaking again. " _Kid, it's two in the morning. I don't know what number your mom gave you but you've got the wrong one."_

How the fuck do I have the wrong number? This  _is_ the number mom called me from. I didn't type it in, I just hit call back. How could I have fucked that up in any way? Mom might have used somebody else's phone or something but… why wouldn't she have told me?

I don't know what to say and I desperately try to remember if mom said anything about calling her when there's rustling on the other end and I hear mom's voice. She sounds half-asleep but her words aren't slurred like that guys sounded.  _"Hey, baby… what's going on?"_

"What? N-Nothing… wh-who was that?" I ask, the grip on my phone becoming tighter with each second she lets slip by in silence. A shiver runs through me and even though it's cold as fuck outside, I don't think that's the only reason I'm shaking. "Mom."

She lets out a heavy sigh and there's more rustling.  _"No one, don't worry about it. Why're you calling?"_ Mom hesitates a second before asking,  _"Did he do something?"_

It takes me a second before I realize she's talking about dad. "What? No, he didn't do anything, I'm not… mom who was that?"

" _No one, baby."_

I don't believe her. Who the hell is at her place at two in the morning? Some guy answered her phone. Fuck, she's seeing someone? _Already?_

Mom sighs into the phone.  _"Dash, do you have any idea what time it is?"_

"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. I just… wanted to hear your voice," I mumble, feeling like an idiot when the silence settles in again. Shit, why don't I ever think things through? Mom was sleeping, probably has to get up soon for work and I'm feeling sorry for myself  _again_ cause why? I'm lonely? Everyone else is asleep while I'm awake? I still can't stop myself from panicking?

A door closes on mom's end and the sound pulls me from my thoughts. There's a few seconds of rustling before her voice comes back on the line.  _"You sure nothing happened?"_ she asks, a yawn escaping her. I wish something had happened just so I could have another reason for calling her aside from not being able to deal with all the shit running through my head.

"Y-Yeah," I mumble, running a hand down my face. I can't think like this. There's so much I want to say to her, things I want to tell her, but I can't get my mouth to work.

She exhales into the receiver.  _"Honey, I miss you. You know I do but… it's late. We should both probably get some sleep."_

I want to say okay and pretend like I was just calling to hear her voice but the truth is, I haven't been able to stop thinking about everything Alex said to me the last time I saw him. About mom. And how I don't owe her anything. It's the worst possible moment to bring this shit up cause my heart's still pounding like crazy and I know I need to give myself more time to consider this decision but I don't think I can let another thing eat at me any longer.

"I've been thinking about what you said. About… talking to your attorney," I say, listening to her weighted silence. She almost holds her breath as I drag one in and part of me hates myself for the decision I've made. "I-I… can't lie, mom."

Mom's silence is so heavy, I can practically feel it as I swallow. I slowly push a breath out and run a hand through my hair. "I'm sorry," I mumble, not entirely sure why I can't stop talking. "I don't… know, I just can't… I can't lie."

I scrub a hand down my face and start pacing outside the hotel again, trying to keep myself from changing my mind. God, I fucking hate this silence.

"I can talk to your attorney, mom. I can do that for you. But you can't ask me to lie, okay? Please don't, I can't." I don't know why she asked me to in the first place. Doesn't it make a more convincing argument if the guy she's trying to get away from not only beat the shit out of her but her kid as well?

Mom finally sighs and I hang on to the sound, afraid that it'll be the last one I hear from her before she hangs up or says that she never wants to see me again. She surprises me by doing neither.

" _Dash… This divorce hearing, this restraining order… it will all go so much more smoothly if you cooperate with me, okay? I'm trying not to drag you too far into this, if your father found out that you've been talking to me…"_ she trails off and I don't know if I have the heart to tell her that it's too late for that. She takes my silence as some kind of confirmation and groans softly.  _"Baby, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"_

God-fucking-dammit, I'm so  _sick_  of tearing up. Especially over the same old shit. So dad knocks me around when he gets angry, so what? Why am I still so fucking upset over it? Why? Cause I had to go to the hospital? Boo-fucking-hoo.

I scratch the back of my head, inwardly cursing myself for the tears that are threatening to spill over and mumble out my response. "Y-Yeah, I'm okay now," I nearly choke over the words, my throat feeling tighter the longer this conversation lasts.

" _About my attorney…"_ mom continues on like she never asked if I was okay and I don't know if I prefer it to be swept under the rug or if I want her to drag it out and deal with it.  _"Can you trust that I'm trying to protect you?"_

Protect me from what? It's too late to stop dad from doing whatever the fuck he wants to do.

"Mom, I can't lie for you," I repeat, feeling like an idiot for even calling her in the first place. I should have waited to talk to her. This could have  _waited_ but I have such a fucking talent for picking the worst time to handle something. "If you want me to tell your attorney what happened to us… wh-what dad's done, I can do that. But th-that's the only way I'll help. I can't… lie."

I feel the tension between us instantly and I don't want to keep talking to her. I tell her to call me when she decides if she wants my help before I abruptly hit end on the call, not waiting for her response.

Time seems to slow down as I stare at my phone trying to decide if I made the right choice. Mom insists this'll go easier if I lie but… Alex seems to think she only wants me to lie so she doesn't have to admit that she left me with dad. I don't know what to believe but for fuck's sake, is it too much to ask for to have  _one_  decent parent?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, yo, yo! Thanks for checking out another update in this story! All of these characters are precious to me and the fact that you enjoy reading about them makes me happy
> 
> Speaking of precious characters… what do you think of how Alex handled the situation with Dash and his mom? Do you think it's better that Dash is refusing to lie or do you think he should just be going through with this to get away from his dad faster?
> 
> Danny refusing to let Dash's coach or the school pay for his room is definitely something to be talked about, yeah? What do you think his reasoning behind that is? There's a lot of mystery surrounding Danny and his past so really, any guess is a good one. I'd love to know yours
> 
> Also, what do you think of the idea of Dash spending Thanksgiving with the Fentons? Poor Dash for thinking that Jazz was hitting on him… too bad it wasn't the right Fenton hitting on him, eh? ;p
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from Can You Feel My Heart? by Bring Me The Horizon. I kind of wanted to pick a title that had something to do with Dash's mom and the ending scene in general but I couldn't find anything that really fit. So I went with this title instead because I feel like it relates to the first part of this chapter fairly well, where Dash is with Alex
> 
> Thank you again for reading this update, I really like seeing your reactions whenever I post a new chapter and honestly, the enthusiasm I get from posting updates keeps me writing. So, thanks! I really hope you enjoyed this update and that you're looking forward to more. See you next update!


	57. Keep Your Silver, Give Me That Gold

It's almost three in the goddamn morning but I can't convince myself to go back to my room and get in the bed. I make up a thousand excuses about not wanting to wake my teammates or not being tired enough to sleep, but somehow, I convince myself to at least go back inside the hotel.

The receptionist at the desk gives me a funny look when she sees me and I do my best to ignore her. I pace through the lobby a few times before eventually heading for the elevator. I drum my fingers against my phone as I wait for the elevator and on the ride up to the floor my room's on. The nervous tension is still in my gut and I'm afraid it'll overtake me the second I lay down.

No one's in the hall before my room and I gaze at the number on my door for a few seconds, trying to psych myself up. It isn't until I try to twist the doorknob that I remember that I didn't grab the key on my way out.  _Fuck_ , I left the two copies of the key on the nightstand in between the bed Kwan and I are supposed to share and the one Jeff and Blake are sharing. Shit, I did that on purpose so no one would forget it if they got up in the morning before anyone else.

I debate on going back to the lobby and asking the receptionist for another copy of the key but I decide against it. She'll judge the hell out of me for losing my key already, even if I try to explain that I  _didn't_  lose the key. I just forgot to take it with me.

Coach's room is only a few doors down and I could go to him… he has another copy of the key… but it's so late at this point, he'll kill me for interrupting his sleep and not getting any of my own. I could say that I stepped out for just a minute and that I've been sleeping for a while… but fuck, no way he'll believe that.

There aren't a whole lot of options for me to choose from and I try to shove my pride away, considering the receptionist again while my gaze drifts aimlessly around the hall. The room across from mine is closed but I was in there just a few hours ago.

_Danny_. If anyone's awake, it'd be him. And he's not likely to either judge or scold me.

I tap my knuckles against the door softly, waiting in the silence for a few seconds before I repeat the noise. A small bit of rustling happens on the other side before it goes quiet again. I draw in a breath and hold it as I knock a little louder this time.

The door opens after a few seconds and I let out the breath I've been holding. Danny's standing in front of me, wearing only a pair of red plaid pajama bottoms, the tattoo on his right shoulder standing out in stark contrast to his bare skin.  _Holy shit… I didn't realize someone could be this fucking hot. Fuck, I really shouldn't be thinking that._

He rubs at one eye sleepily before it registers who I am. He drops his hand, a tiny yawn escaping him before a smile takes over his expression.

"Hey." He leans against the doorframe, his smile turning sleepy the longer he stares up at me. "What are you doing?"

_Right now? Wanting to fucking kiss you._

"Uhh…" I scratch the back of my head way harder than necessary, trying to keep the flush from completely taking over my face. It's a lost cause and I end up having to look away from him before I can respond. "Nothing… really. Just couldn't… sleep."

Danny yawns again and I fucking love the way it sounds. God, I actually love the way something sounds coming from someone else. I love someone's fucking yawn. Not someone's. Danny's. Fuck.

"Hey, you okay?" he asks, putting a hand on my arm and it surprises me into looking at him. His eyes widen and he drops his gaze to my arm, his thumb gently grazing over my skin. "Shit, you're freezing…" He looks back up at me, his eyebrows drawn down. "Dash, are you okay?"

I push out a breath, feeling like it's the only thing I can do. There's still a fuckton of tension in my gut but it's not the same one from earlier. This is more cause I'm talking to Danny and I don't understand why the fuck I can't feel normal when I'm around him.

"I-I was outside," I mumble, unable to meet his gaze. I end up staring at his collarbones which isn't helping the situation. The tension is starting to pool lower and it'll be awkward as fuck if I get a boner just by staring at his chest.  _Fuck, don't think about his chest._

Danny's eyebrows are still drawn down as I flick my gaze away from him and I jerk my thumb toward my room. "Um… I kinda… forgot my key. I can't really… get back inside and I thought you'd be awake. S-Sorry, I-"

"It's okay," Danny says, putting a hand on my chest.  _Fuck, don't do that to me Fenton._  He gives me a smile when I manage to meet his gaze before he drops his hand and takes a step back. "You're welcome to crash here."

He starts back into his room, leaving the door open for me. It's almost a full thirty seconds before I'm able to follow him inside and I softly close the door behind me. I lean against it for a few seconds, trying to get my breathing to sound less like I'm in the room with the boy I've got a fucking crush on.

"Do I need to set an alarm for you to be up by? I thought your coach said something about meeting in the lobby before breakfast." Danny glances over his shoulder at me, his hand already typing something on his phone. He raises an eyebrow and I realize I'm supposed to give an answer.

"Oh, uh… n-no, I've got one set," I mumble, holding up my own phone.

He glances from it back to me, a breathy laugh leaving him. He folds his arms over his chest, leaning his hip against the end of the bed. "Really? You remembered to get your phone but not your room key?" He laughs again when I shrug and leans away from the bed.

"Come on, just get some sleep and I'll tease you in the morning," he says, a certain look in his eye that lets me know he'll make good on that threat.

The last time I slept beside Danny was the day he took me to his place cause I couldn't handle school. I was thinking about touching him then and this time isn't any different. I get beneath the covers next to him and after a few minutes of rearranging and shifting around, we're both settled and I can finally feel my heart pounding. Danny's turned away from me and I'm on my back, staring up at the ceiling like it has the answers for me.  _Hey ceiling, how the fuck do I handle this crush?_

Danny glances over his shoulder at me and the moonlight filters in through the window, illuminating his face for me. His eyes are fucking stunning and the gentle expression he wears is one I wouldn't mind seeing again and again and  _again_. I want to wake up to that look and I want to fall asleep to it, too. I want every one of my days to begin and end with Danny. And I don't think I'll be happy with just wanting it… I have to tell him what I want or I may never get it. I don't want to live in a world where I don't get to hold Danny's hand or kiss his cheek or admire his fucking collarbones.

"Night, Dash," he whispers softly, holding my gaze as he smiles.

I wonder if I even have a chance with someone as beautiful and perfect as Danny. Someone that's so kind and sacrifices a bit of their sleep to let me into their room so I have a place to sleep too. Someone that sees me and doesn't think I'm a complete fuck-up. I'd give anything to have a chance just to tell him the shit that's running through my head but I don't know if I ever will. Cause I want him all to myself but I'm fucking terrified of losing him. And I don't think this will be the last time my fear keeps me silent.

"…night, Danny."

 

* * *

 

 

Something or someone really fucking loud drags me from sleep and I let out a groan as I open my eyes to stare up at the ceiling. I briefly glance toward Danny, trying to see if It's woken him up too, before I roll over onto my side, grabbing my phone to check the time.

My alarm isn't supposed to go off for another thirty minutes and a sigh escapes me as Danny's eyes flutter open. He blinks at me, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. Sleep is pulling at him and he groans softly as the noise starts up outside the door again. It sounds like everyone in the world is gathered in the hall and I shove the covers off me, swinging my legs off the mattress as I sit up.

"Whaa…cha doing?" Danny blearily asks.

I glance over my shoulder at him before I stand from the bed, stretching my arms over my head, feeling all the appropriate pops and cracks my joints make with the movement. I release a breath, shuffling forward a few steps before I respond. "I'm just gonna see what the fuck's going on."

Danny groans softly, his eyes falling closed when I look back at him again. I bite back the smile that's threatening to take over my expression and cross the room over to the door. I run my hand down my face, trying to wake myself up before I tug the door open.

Most of my teammates and a couple of the cheerleaders are standing in the hallway and they all start at the sound of the door. I glance between them and though they all exchange glances, none of them offer up any explanation as to what the hell they're doing. "What's up?"

Coach suddenly appears from down the hall, giving me a glare that holds most of hell's fury. I've been on the receiving end of that look before and right now, it kind of makes me want to crawl into a hole and die.

"Where the hell have you been, Baxter?" he demands, stopping in front of me with his arms folded over his chest. He apparently doesn't need an answer cause he keeps going. "Your teammates have been looking for you all morning, do you have  _any_  idea what time it is?"

"Uhh…"

Coach waves me off like he doesn't want to hear my response. "If you're going to leave the room, text someone where you'll be so we don't have to create a damn search party to find one of my players!"

His shout bounces off the walls and more than one of my teammates duck their heads and wince. Almost all of them have had a little taste of Coach's anger this past season but I haven't fucked up like this since freshman year.

"S-Sorry, Coach," I mumble, rubbing the back of my neck.

He glares again, all of his frustration aimed toward me alone. "I don't want an apology, son. I want you to think before you act and remember that there are other people counting on you. Don't just take off like that without telling anyone. Where have you been?"

I glance back in the room toward Danny, who's now sitting up in the bed, watching the exchange. When I look back at Coach, I realize he's seen where I've been while everyone was searching for me and for some reason, it causes a jolt to run through my chest.

"Um… I stepped out of my room last night … a-and I forgot my key," I mumble, feeling my face heat up with the look Coach gives me. "D-Danny was still awake and he offered to let me stay with him." It's only half a lie. He did offer but I sort of woke him up first.

Coach exhales out, shaking his head as one hand reaches up to adjust his hat. "I don't care where you sleep, Baxter. But let someone know in the future or this'll feel like a polite conversation compared to the one we'll have next time."

He fixes me with a glare that makes me gulp and I quickly nod. He glances at the others gathered in the hall and claps his hands together. "Come on, do your primping and whatever else you need to do this morning. Asses downstairs in the lobby in fifteen minutes, now!"

My teammates part like the Red Sea for Coach as he storms off down the hall toward the elevators and slowly, everyone turns to look at me. For a second, no one says anything until Jeff starts cracking up.

"Dude, if you think that was bad, you shoulda heard what he was saying about you," he says, a shit-eating grin taking over his features.

Kwan comes from somewhere in the back of the crowd of my teammates, giving me a sympathetic smile as he stops next to where I'm standing. "Yeah… you really had him worried. I think he was imagining you passed out on a bar-stool somewhere or something."

"Nah, that's what he'd imagine if Blake was missing," Keith interjects, giving Kwan a smile when my best friend looks his way.

Blake flips us all the bird before his gaze drifts my way, his eyebrows drawn downward. "You crashed with Fenton last night?" He glances at the others gathered in the hall before he lets out a breath and flicks his stare toward me. "You know what people are saying about him, right?"

I couldn't give any less of a fuck about what people are saying about Danny. I cross my arms and lean against the doorframe, giving Blake my best attempt at a 'fuck you' stare. "No. And I don't care," I say, watching as he glances at the others again.

He scratches the back of his head before he shrugs. "Fine, whatever. But just so you know, everyone's probably gonna assume that you guys are fucking if they hear you spent the night in his room," he mumbles, rolling his eyes when I don't say anything. "But whatever. Have fun putting up with that."

Blake leaves us and I think we all breathe a collective sigh. Blake's a decent player but that's about as far as my teammates and I can tolerate him. His opinions about girls or food or life in general are usually horrible and I can only handle him in small doses.

Kwan's expression is almost unreadable but I can tell what's running through his head. Probably going over again how Danny let everyone think Jared was his ex-boyfriend so the attention wouldn't be on my best friend.

"I'm gonna take a shower. I'll be downstairs in a couple minutes," I say to my teammates, glancing Kwan's way. He meets my gaze for a second or two before he nods and slowly, the hall starts to clear. I step back into the room with Danny and push the door closed a little, hesitating a second before I turn around to look at him.

He meets my gaze for all of three seconds before he drops his stare to his hands, folded on top of the covers. He lets out a heavy breath. "Sorry…"

"For what?" I ask, crossing the room to grab my phone from the nightstand before I sit down on the edge of the mattress. When he doesn't respond, I offer up a shrug and glance down at my phone. "It's not your fault. Coach… is right, I probably should have said something."

I switch my alarm off and mourn the twenty minutes of sleep I lost before I open up my text messages. There's a couple unread ones from Kwan, asking where I am and letting me know that Coach is looking for me, along with two from Alex but the third one catches my eye. It's from a number I vaguely recognize as mom's.

The breath I push out is staggered and shaky as fuck and I don't know if Danny picks up on it but I barely pay him attention as I open the message.

**From: Unsaved Number**

_**Can you give this some more thought, Dash? Or is this your final decision?** _

Fuck, I can't breathe. I can't think about this right now. I have a game tonight. A shower I need to take. I can't give this more thought. She sent it just under an hour ago and if I don't respond now, I'll have to later. Fuck, I don't want to respond at all.

"I gotta…go take a shower," I mumble, getting up from the bed. Danny looks at me at the movement and I'm able to meet his gaze for a second before I jerk my thumb toward the door. "I'll… see you for breakfast?"

Danny slowly nods, his eyebrows drawing down as he watches me. I feel his gaze on my back all the way to the door and I glance back at him before I turn the handle and step out into the hall.

The door to my room is open a crack and I push it open fully, stepping inside. Kwan's on one bed, his 3ds in his hands as he stares down at the screen, his tongue poking out one side of his mouth in concentration.

He looks up when I close the door and briefly glances at his screen before setting his handheld to the side. "Hey," he says, leaning forward. I want to sit on the bed with him, tell him about the text from mom or the call last night or how fucking cute Danny looked in nothing but his stupid pajamas but I can't. I don't have time to waste talking about my shit again.

"I'm gonna take a shower," I mumble, crossing the room to get my bag from where I unceremoniously dumped it upon arriving in the room. I dig through it for a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, tugging a sweatshirt out along with it. The hotel is pretty warm but I'll be outside today at some point before the game and Livermore is already seeing the colder temperatures that Amity Park has been.

As soon as I'm alone in the bathroom, I tap out a response to mom and don't allow myself to think it over before I press send and get in the shower. I let the hot water and steam take away every single thing that's stressing me the fuck out. I don't let myself think about the way my heart pounds around Danny, or the game tonight, or the homophobic shit that Blake said, or my fucking  _mom_. Even though my phone is sitting on the counter, waiting on a response from her. But fuck it, part of me hopes that she  _never_  responds.

**To: Unsaved number**

_**It's my final decision** _

 

* * *

 

 

Coach has all of us in the lobby as he runs us through the playbook a couple times to make sure that we're ready for this. He repeatedly says that if we're not back in the hotel lobby by 5, he'll skin whoever's late and make them into a rug for his office.

He looks pointedly at me when he says that last part and I guess he's still thinking about the makeshift search party they managed to gather while I was "lost." It's not like I expected anyone to be worried about me. I just wanted to sleep and I didn't want to have to wake anyone up to do it. Even though… I did end up waking Danny.

When Coach sets us free for the day, he calls out to me and motions for me to stick around. Though Kwan glances at me, he's easily distracted by something Keith is saying. He hurries off to follow our teammate and I watch his retreating back for a few seconds.

"You want to explain what the hell happened this morning?" Coach asks as soon as we're alone. He raises an eyebrow like he expects a serious reason why I wasn't in my room and he had to drum up a search party.

"Uhh…" I palm the back of my neck, trying to come up with something that'll convince him I'm not a total moron. "I… couldn't sleep last night s-so I went walking for a while and I just forgot my key. S-So… I ended up crashing with Danny and… well, yeah."

Coach gives me a look like he doesn't believe I'm really that stupid but I shrug and he huffs out a breath. He shakes his head, and his expression softens a little. "Dash… a lot of people are coming to see this game. To see  _you_." Coach puts his hands on my shoulders, gently shaking me. "A lot of  _coaches_ , son. They want to be impressed and I want you to impress them too. But you've gotta bring your A game and slacking off is not the way to do it."

_A lot of coaches are here just to see… me?_

Fuck, even though Coach said otherwise, I thought DALV was the only college that was gonna be interested in me. How the fuck have I gained the interest of other places? Coach said he's been sending out tapes of me for months now but… how are they interested in  _me_ of all people?

"Are… there any here for anyone else?" I ask, wondering if anyone's approached Kwan yet. Or Keith. Dale. Someone that's been chasing after this instead of me. I  _never_ thought I'd get this kind of opportunity and yet… some of my teammates are pushing to get what I have. A  _chance_.

Coach's eyebrows draw down. "Don't worry about your teammates, Dash. This is about you. And what you're capable of. When you're on the field today, give it all you've got and I know you'll impress them. Can you do that?"

I weakly nod, not sure why I suddenly feel that familiar tension in my gut. I want to impress the people that are here to see me play but… I don't know if I can. Or if I even want to. I still haven't decided if I'm taking this thing with DALV. It sounds fucking sweet but… leaving Amity Park? I only ever dreamed of that, I never considered it as a real possibility. And now that it's here… I have no fucking clue what to do with it.

"Attaboy," Coach responds, clapping his hands on my shoulders. He gives me a grin and I do my best to return it. Maybe after this game is over, I can talk to him about my options and try to figure out where the hell I go from here. And thank him for believing in me of all fucking people.

 

* * *

 

 

I still don't have a key to my room and no one's inside when I knock on the door so I head down the hall toward Danny's. I could text Kwan or Jeff but I don't feel like tracking them down. I feel like clearing my head and Danny's the easiest person to talk to. And… the only one I want to.

My knuckles tap softly against his door and it takes him about a minute before he appears. He smiles instantly and it makes me too. The tension is still in my gut and I feel vaguely like throwing up but it's finally starting to hit me that what Coach said is a good thing.

"Hey," I breathe, stepping inside his room when he opens the door wider for me. He closes it behind me and crosses over to the end of his bed.

"What's up?" he asks, tugging on his faded red Converse before he glances over his shoulder at me. "You wanna get some breakfast with me? Or are you going out with the guys?"

I slide my hands into my pockets and shake my head. "No, I'm… I'm totally free," I tell him, with far too much of a grin in my voice that he looks up at. I can't help it. He makes me happy. And the championship game is tonight. And coaches are coming to see me. And I feel like every-fucking-thing is falling into place.

He finishes lacing his shoes and I wait while he gets his phone. He checks over the screen, frowning at whatever's on it before he puts it away and looks up at me with a smile. "Ready. Are we taking your car?"

"Unless you like the idea of stealing a bus, yeah," I mumble, unable to hold back the snort at the look Danny gives me.

"Oh shut up. You and your teammates are never going to live that down." He rolls his eyes and pushes me toward the door, following me out into the hall. We pass by Dale, who nods at us, and Star, talking softly on her phone, before we're in the elevator.

Danny stretches his arms over his head and I hear every crack and pop his joints make. He drops his arms with a contented sigh and looks away from me, making it all too easy for me to watch him. He's got the same look about him that he did when we spent the weekend at Star's beach house all those months ago. He seems lighter somehow. Like he left every fucked up thing behind. In Amity Park.  _I know the feeling._

"So, I kinda want McDonalds," he says, catching me staring at him when he turns to look at me. I know my cheeks flush but other than a raise of his eyebrow, he doesn't say anything about it. "Is that okay with you or would you rather find somewhere else?"

"N-No, that's fine," I squeak out, tearing my gaze away from him. God, I can't believe he caught me staring at him like that. Like I want to kiss him.  _Fuck, I want to kiss him._

The elevator doors open before I have time to make any move – not that I have the fucking balls to. Danny surprises me by gently poking his elbow against my rib and the breath I drag in isn't entirely out of surprise. I'd almost forgotten that my rib still aches. Still twinges every now and then, reminding me that no matter how far away from Amity Park I point my car, I'll never leave my shit behind the way Danny can.

He shoots me an overzealous grin as he darts out of the elevator. "Race you to the parking lot!" he calls over his shoulder as he takes off like a shot. He maneuvers through the lobby around my teammates and a few of the cheerleaders, as well as some really confused hotel guests. He doesn't look back and I hear his laugh echoing down the hall after he almost plows into Jeff.

My teammate looks back at me for an explanation but I don't have one to give him. But goddammit, out of all the options in Amity Park, I had to get a crush on the cutest, most childish fucking nerd I've ever met.

 

* * *

 

 

Danny insists that I'm not reading my GPS right and I kindly tell him to shut up because I've never gotten lost before. Even when I let him roll his window down to ask someone on the street, I still know exactly where we're going.  _Mostly._

I apparently went down the wrong street a couple turns back but I find the right direction to the McDonalds that's not too far from the hotel. Danny pokes fun of me all the way until I'm pulling my car into a space in front of the entrance and by then, even I can't help but snort.

I put my car into park before I turn to look at Danny, the nerves flaring up in me again. He shoots me a smile before he undoes his seatbelt and I watch him for a second before I follow him out of the car.

Danny stretches his arms over his head with a soft groan, using his hip to close the passenger door. "Last night was so good. I haven't slept that well in a long time," he mutters, more to himself than to me, but I can't help wondering if he slept better because he wasn't alone. Or… maybe even, he slept well because he was with  _me_.  _Stop it, Baxter. That's the worst thing to think of right now._

He reaches the front door to McDonalds before I do and he tugs it open, letting me in first as he starts to argue that he's going to pay for breakfast. I follow him up to the counter, arguing back with just a look, and when someone comes to take our order, I start with two coffees. One thing that I order – a breakfast sandwich or something – comes out garbled, more evidence that my brain has yet to fully turn on this morning, and the cashier asks me to repeat it.

Danny hesitates a second while I try to remember what the fuck I messed up saying before he takes over the order. He gives the girl waiting on us a bright smile as he orders our food and I fall silent, breathing just a little easier for some reason.

We step out of line when the cashier hands Danny the receipt and he gives me a side-long glance as we move down to the end of the counter. He hesitates a second, putting his wallet away and sliding the receipt into his back pocket before he looks up at me.

"You doing okay?" he asks softly and I nod, offering up a shitty smile.

"Yeah. Guess I just haven't fully woken up yet. Coffee should help with that," I say, just as the cashier returns to our end of the counter to put the two cups down. I step past Danny to grab them and nod toward the condiment bar.

Danny follows me over and he adds in sugar and cream into his coffee along with me. He's silent as we both stir our coffee and it feels weighted. Like there's a lot he wants to say but he doesn't know how to voice it.

"Fuck, good call with this. I rarely have breakfast anymore," I mumble, blowing across the top of my coffee for a few seconds before I take a tentative sip.

I almost choke on the sip of coffee I've inhaled when Danny looks up at me. Because his brow is furrowed downward and he looks like he's warring with something I'll never understand but I want to. God, I  _want_ to.

"What is it?" I ask, gently taking a hold of his elbow before I even realize I'm doing it. I guess it's just a natural reaction for me. If he's hurting – if he's  _scared_ – I want to put a hand on him. Touch him. Remind myself that he's still here and not far away from me, trying to solve this by himself.

Danny exhales out heavily, dropping his gaze from mine with a shake of his head. "I'm sorry… I guess I just… got worried about you. When you weren't talking at the counter?" he asks, looking up at me like I've forgotten already. A simple shake of my head lets him know that I know what he's talking about but I have no fucking clue why.

He sinks his teeth into his bottom lip. "It's just… you looked really out of it. And your voice was kind of… trembling a little. I guess… I guess I just couldn't tell if you were struggling so… I tried to make it easier on you," Danny says, an apology on his face. "I'm sorry if I overstepped."

I didn't realize that my voice sounded shaky to him. Or anyone, really. I don't know what to tell him as I hold his gaze but he definitely didn't overstep. I'm okay though. At least… I  _think_ I'm okay. I think this is what okay is supposed to feel like. With opportunities around the corner and the boy of my fucking dreams staring back at me.

I manage to shrug but I know that doesn't convince him. He stops biting his lip and my gaze is instantly drawn to the indents his teeth have made in his skin. And I hate myself just a little for the way I think about running my tongue over the indents until I have them memorized. Until every time his teeth graze his lip, he'll think of me. And the way I taste.

Danny looks like he wants to say something but the cashier is back. She hands over our food on one of those ugly plastic trays and I take it before Danny can. He hesitates only a second before he grabs my coffee for me and we leave the counter, quickly claiming a table near the back.

The place is mostly empty, save for a family out for breakfast too and I let my stare drift over them for a few seconds, remembering when that was me. When Saturday mornings meant my mom and dad took me out for breakfast. It didn't matter how many bruises I was secretly nursing those mornings. All that mattered was the feeling of family that I managed to soak up and pour into my open wounds all week long just from having one meal together.

Danny's quiet as he unwraps his food and it takes me a few minutes to tear my gaze away from watching that family effortlessly interact with each other. It takes me another minute to look at Danny but I finally manage to do it and he looks up at me instantly.

"I'm fine," I respond, dropping my gaze as I start to unwrap my own sandwich. "You didn't overstep at the counter. I'm just tired. And I've been thinking about shit all morning. Guess it's got me a little fucked-up right now."

He meets my gaze for a second or two before he takes a small sip of his coffee. He makes a face at the cup and reaches across the table for more of the sugar packets. "Good kind of shit or…?" he asks, glancing up at me as he tears the top of the sugar packet off using his teeth.

My heart jumps into my throat at the sight and I  _hate_ myself for the way a shaky breath escapes me.  _Stop fucking thinking about him. Stop fucking thinking about him. Stop thinking about_ fucking _him. Fuck._

Danny grabs another stirrer and pops the lid off his cup, delicately licking the few droplets of coffee he swipes from the rim. He adds the sugar in slowly before he looks up at me again, that concern on his face again. All because I'm not talking. Because I'm thinking about  _fucking_ him.  _I'm in so fucking deep with this stupid fucking crush._

I tear my gaze away from him and stare outside instead, watching all the cars that pass by the parking lot but don't turn in. The championship game might be all that my teammates and I can focus on but it's just an average Friday in Livermore right now. People showing up for work. Stopping by coffee places for their morning dose of caffeine. Anyone here that's interested in seeing the game tonight still has the day to get through and I'm no different.

"A few college coaches are coming to watch me play tonight," I say, lifting my own coffee to my lips. It's not what I wanted to say but it works. It's one of the things that's running around in my head, scratching at me. Reminding me that I have to be good tonight. I have to be better than  _good_. Not just for me anymore. For Coach too. For Alex. For everyone that's ever believed in me. For everyone that  _still_ believes in me even when I'm… like this. Even when I can't give my order at a fucking McDonalds.

I hear Danny's stirring pause momentarily before he slowly picks it back up again. I swallow down a few gulps of coffee before I set the cup on the table again, tracing the rim with my index finger. I stare down at my coffee instead of looking up at Danny like I want to. "I've already… had an offer, too. Full-ride. To the university of DALV." I hesitate a second longer before I look up at him, pushing out a breath in the silence. "They have a fucking amazing team and they want  _me_  on it. Next fall, I could be playing for DALV University, you believe that?"

Danny's eyebrows are practically in his hairline as he stares back at me and a slight flush paints his cheeks. I guess he's not used to good news from me cause he doesn't seem to know how to respond. His mouth opens and closes half a dozen times before he finally squeaks out a response. "Y-Yeah?" he asks, his teeth sinking in to his bottom lip again.  _Oh fuck. You're killing me._

I clear my throat, trying to push the thoughts of kissing Danny from my mind, and surprisingly, they slip away easily enough. "Yeah. Coach thinks that I'm gonna get a lot more after this game. So, I kinda have to work my ass off tonight and impress the people that Coach thinks I'm capable of impressing."

"That won't be hard for you… you'll d-definitely be able to impress them." Danny ducks his head and sips from his coffee. His gaze darts around the mostly-empty tables before he sets his cup down and looks at me. "I'm… really proud of you, Dash."

Oh  _fuck_. He really is going to be the death of me.

I can't stop the grin from stretching across my face and I awkwardly rub the back of my neck in the silence. Even though most days, I don't feel like I deserve it, I'm glad that someone's proud of me… and my heart's fucking ecstatic that the someone right now is Danny.

"Thanks," I mumble, sipping from my coffee again before I start in on the food. God, my chest is so filled with hope. I don't know how my teammates and I are gonna do tonight and I have no fucking clue if these coaches are even gonna want me after the night's up. All I know is that right now, I'm having breakfast with a boy who makes my heart pound just by being proud of me.

 

* * *

 

 

Danny and I hit up a few places in the city – including an arcade where he kicks my ass in Space Invaders and Pacman – before we get lunch from a local deli and head back to the hotel. It's not even four yet but judging from the way Coach was talking earlier, if I'm even a second late getting to the lobby, he really will kill me.

I try my door again but no one's in so Danny offers for me to hang out with him for a while. I'm more than okay with that and I follow him into his room, sitting on the bed when he does. He leans back into the mattress, groaning softly.

"Honestly, I could go for a nap," he mumbles, his voice muffled by the pillow he's turned his face into. I bite the inside of my cheek at the image, slowly letting out a breath through my nose. God, why does he have to be so fucking cute all the time?

Danny turns to look at me, one eyebrow cocked upward. "Are you laughing at me?"

Without warning, he lunges across the bed and pokes me in the stomach, attempting to tickle me. Even though I could easily give in and probably end up in a tangled mess with him like all those stupid romantic flicks Kwan's made me watch with him, I don't let this escalate. Mainly cause I don't know what I'd do if I was tangled up with Danny on his bed. And because my rib is still aching from when he poked me in the elevator earlier. I scoot out of his reach and he gives up, groaning softly as he dramatically throws an arm over his eyes.

"I always knew this day would come. Dash Baxter, mocks friend," he says, a shit-eating grin taking over his features. He can't stop from grinning and I decide that I can't let this opportunity pass by. Fuck my rib and my pain. I  _want_ to end up tangled with him. I lunge for him, to try to tickle him or  _something_ that will end up with my chest flush against his and might invite my lips to brush his, but he grabs my wrist without even looking.

I stare at him in a state of what I guess is shock until he lifts his arm from his eyes and looks toward me. We hold each other's gazes in silence for a few seconds until he gives me a half-smile. "Have you forgotten when I pulled you from under that car? I've got lightning fast reflexes."

Danny lets go of my wrist and sits up, cracking his joints as he stretches. His gaze flits around the hotel room while I try to think of something to say. Some way to bring up  _that_  topic with him. The phantom stuff. He's never really talked about it since the night he told me and considering how hysterical he was when he did, I haven't had the balls to bring it up since.

"So, listen," he says, turning toward me with a smile stretched across his lips. I try to meet his gaze but his smile captures my attention almost immediately. God, if I could trace the outline of his smile…

He parts his lips to say something but he's interrupted by an obnoxious, but thankfully, muffled ringtone. I glance toward the hallway, wondering which of my teammates chose such an awful sound, when Danny groans softly.

"Sorry." He shifts on the mattress and after a second of fumbling through the covers, the annoying ringtone sounds louder. He steals a glance toward me before he swipes his phone up from the bed and answers the call. "Hello?"

Danny draws in a breath that hitches and he slowly lets it out again. His eyebrows draw down and his expression is pinched as he slowly rises from the bed. "Y-Yeah, mom." He runs a hand through his hair, glancing over his shoulder at me as he speaks. "No, I'm… yeah. With? U-Um… Dash. Yeah."

He turns his back on me then and walks to the windows, staring out of them as he keeps a death grip on his phone. His shoulders tense up more and more the longer the conversation goes and I wish I could put my hands on him right now. Run my fingers down his spine until all the tension he feels just melts away.

"Mom, I'm  _fine_ ," he insists, emphasizing the last word as a groan slips from him. "No, it's not… l-look I can't really talk right now, okay? I'll call you later." He mumbles his goodbye after a quiet 'love you' is passed between them.

I wait a few seconds in the silence that follows the end of his call before I stand from the bed, making my way over to him. I come to a stop next to him, keeping my gaze out the window that overlooks the city. This view reminds me of the outlook Danny showed me and part of me is wishing we were back there right now. If we were, maybe he wouldn't look so stressed out.

"Everything okay?" I question, surprised by how steady my voice is.

Danny half-turns from the window and chucks his phone onto the bed. "Yeah…" He exhales out a pent-up breath, rolling his shoulders with the sound. "It's just my mom… can sometimes get a little protective. A  _lot_  protective, actually," he says with another sigh. "She didn't want me coming to this game and I think she's gonna kill me when I get back."

"Why?"

He draws in a tentative breath, chewing on his thumbnail as he stares out the window. "It's… complicated," he mutters, softly letting out a breath in the silence.

Danny glances toward me like maybe he wants to say something else but whatever bravery he tried to draw upon simply floods from him when he looks at me. His shoulders drop and he turns away from me with a quiet exhale. He stares out the window, chewing on the inside of his lip, and I return to watching the city, too, though my mind is miles beyond the view below us.

I want to look at him, figure out what he's thinking just from the expression on his face, but I don't. I keep my gaze out the window and try to decide what to say. I keep thinking of his voice the night he told me about being the phantom and I can't get it out of my head. How scared he sounded. How long I'd pushed him for answers and how  _terrified_ he sounded when he finally gave them to me. I don't want to push Danny again. He deserves better than that.

"And your parents… still don't know about… phantom?" I ask, chancing a look toward him to make sure I'm not taking this too far. That I'm not blinded by my curiosity. He's stiffened at my question but after a few seconds, he exhales out and relaxes a little, and I take it as a good sign.

"No." He runs a hand through his hair. "That's not why… forget it. No, they don't know anything about that."

Danny keeps his gaze on the window for a few seconds after I turn to face him but he finally looks at me. He hesitates a second before he mirrors my position with a sigh, leaning his shoulder against the window. I can't tell if he's frustrated at me or the situation. I hope it's not me. Because I don't want to push him but I don't want him to pull away again either. I want to help him but I don't know if he needs my help. If he  _wants_ it.

"Let me help you."

It comes out before I can stop it and I drag in a breath that's more than a little shaky. Danny meets my gaze and he raises an eyebrow, giving me a look like he's either surprised or confused. I'm guessing the latter considering that he shakes his head slowly, like he doesn't understand.

I let out a breath, shoving my hands into my pockets as I shuffle forward a step. "Let me help you… like your sister used to."

Danny's eyebrows rise on his forehead as realization dawns on him. "Are you kidding me?" he asks, his voice loud in the quiet we've been slowly moving toward since that phone call from his mom. His gaze darts around like he's worried that someone's listening. That someone's around to hear this. "No. I-I hurt you, remember?" he asks, his voice softer now – barely above a whisper – and we both know it's a pathetic excuse.

"Come on, what have you got to lose? It'll be easier if you have someone else there. I mean, that's what your sister was there for, right? To make it easier on you?" I unconsciously take a step forward that he immediately matches with one backward. I get a sinking feeling in my gut that this is gonna end up like the day I drove him home from the beach. And I instantly want to back off and leave him alone even though he could use  _somebody's_ help.

Danny sucks in a breath, shaking his head as he takes another step backward, stopping only cause his back is against a wall on the other side of the window. "No. I-I'll hurt you," he murmurs, running a hand through his hair as he looks away from me.

I decide to test the waters a little more and take another step toward him, even though I'm screaming at myself not to. Danny looks up at me at the movement and his bottom lip disappears between his teeth.  _Fuck, that still kills me._

"Wouldn't you rather have a cop's son  _on_  your side while you do something illegal?" I ask, hoping that he gets the joking tone. Something in his eyes tells me that the humor isn't lost on him but he watches me carefully as I somehow manage another step closer to him. "C'mon, you won't hurt me."

Danny shakes his head, color rising to his cheeks. "You don't know that."

"Yeah, I do. I know everything, Danny, didn't I tell you?" I ask with an overzealous grin despite the butterflies that have awakened in my gut. The joke gets the reaction I was looking for and he relaxes just a touch as he rolls his eyes with a snort.

His gaze flits around the room again, like he's still checking that we don't have an audience, before he looks at me, swallowing hard as a pink flush creeps across his face. "I-I don't know…" He chews on his bottom lip as he trails off, looking away from me.

God, he has no fucking clue how adorable he is. Or how he can kill me with the smallest of actions. I want to back him up against that wall until my lips are against his. Until I'm licking his collarbones. I imagine him throwing his head back before dragging me into a needy kiss. Biting my bottom lip with his teeth, making me forget my own name.

My hand shakes and my breath sticks in my throat as I reach a hand out toward him. I use my fingers against his chin to turn his face back toward me and I can feel the heat rising to my own cheeks at the movement. "It's… w-worth a shot, right?" I mumble, my heart pounding in my chest as he stares up at me.

Danny draws in a breath and the butterflies in my gut are dancing at the sound.  _Fuck. I want to kiss him. But it'll change everything between us. …Fuck, I_ want _everything to change._

"Just... think… about it or something?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper as I lean closer to him. I brace my palm against the wall, just above his head, my other hand still holding his chin. My fingers tremble but I let go of his chin and drop my hand to his chest. He lets out a small breath at the movement and I know I'm taking this way too fucking far. But my fingers are tracing his collarbones through his shirt and I can't stop myself.  _Fuck I need to kiss him already._

Danny blinks up at me, a hesitancy in all of his movements that's just screaming at me to back off. But he slides his hand onto my shoulder, letting out a breath that I feel against my lips, and I couldn't back off if I even fucking wanted to.  _Oh, fucking hell._  I want to push him back against the wall and cover his mouth with my own.  _F-Fuck the game tonight. I'll just stay in with Danny wrapped around me, my lips trailing down his stomach and across his collarbones and-_

A knock on the door jerks me harshly from my thoughts and at the same time, we both realize how close we really are to each other. I don't know which one of us moves first, all I know is that we practically jump away from each other. We both turn to look at the door and he exhales out before slowly meeting my gaze again.

"I should… probably see who that is," he mutters softly, pushing away from the wall. His face is still stained my favorite color and he awkwardly scratches the back of his head as he walks away from me. God, I fucking hate that I'm stuck watching the movement of his hips with every step he takes.

Danny glances over his shoulder at me before he tugs the door open, turning to face whoever's on the other side. I drop my gaze down to the carpet, letting out a low breath. Fuck, I was really close to kissing him. I was ready to throw caution to the fucking wind and  _kiss_  him. Everything would have changed if we'd only had a few seconds more.

"Paulina, h-hi," Danny stammers from the doorway, turning to look back at me. I meet his gaze and take in his blush again before I take a small step forward. Danny bites his bottom lip before he turns back to Paulina. "You looking for Dash?"

I cross the room then, giving Paulina a shitty grin as I come to a stop, leaning against the doorframe. My shoulder is against Danny's at the position I've taken and I feel the electricity between us but neither one of us makes a move away from each other. "Hey. What's up?"

Paulina's gaze shifts from Danny to me and a smirk lifts one corner of her mouth. "Nice search party this morning. Coach is really gonna remember this game, huh?"

I roll my eyes. "What happened this morning is nothing compared to the shit that Blake's done in the past," I say, grinning when Paulina smiles. "And have you forgotten the last away game? When Jeff got drunk and threw a party in Coach's room while he was out for dinner? Coach nearly skinned him."

Paulina laughs softly and Danny smiles, glancing between us before he steps backward. "I'll give you guys some space," he says, softly, and I turn to watch him as he starts away from the two of us.

"Actually," Paulina says before he manages to get too far. "I was… looking for you, Danny." She gives him a smile and he blinks slowly, glancing at me with a confused expression. He glances between us but looks a little lost on what to do.

He looks at me again like I can somehow make his decision for him as he lets out a hesitant breath. After a few awkward seconds of silence, he turns back to Paulina. "Um… okay. One sec." He crosses over to the bed and moves the blankets out of his way to find his phone. He stares down at the screen for a second before he sighs and pockets the device, grabbing his key off the nightstand before crossing back over to us. A hesitant smile passes over his face when he meets my gaze again. "Um… Come find me before the game if you can?"

Danny's smile brightens when I agree and then the door's closing behind the two of them. I stare at nothing in particular for about thirty seconds before I go back to the bed and collapse onto it, groaning softly.

I have no idea why Paulina was looking for Danny or why she had to show up when she did. A few seconds later and I would have…  _would have what?_ It's not like I would have suddenly grown the balls to kiss him. That kind of bravery doesn't exist in my soul and I'm an even bigger idiot than I thought if I let myself believe that it does.

A groan leaves me and I roll over, muffling my obnoxious sounds with the blankets. I wanted to kiss him so badly. If Paulina hadn't interrupted us, I might have actually acted on it. I have no fucking clue if Danny would even want me to kiss him… fuck, why do I have to like him so much?

My phone vibrates in my pocket and I twist in every direction I can to reach my phone without actually getting up. It takes me twice as long to get the damn thing but fuck it, I'm saving up my energy for moving later tonight in the game.

**From: Valerie**

_**YOOOOO!** _

_**I got today off work and I just drove like 4 hours to watch you play. You better get your ass down to the lobby so I can see you!** _

_**Also, I'm feeling nice so I might even offer to buy you a coffee :)** _

Leave it to fucking Valerie to be able to convince me to get my lazy ass up before I have to. Though I'm happy to see her, I'm really only leaving the room cause of the promise of coffee. And I'll make sure she knows that. Cause if she thinks I'm only coming downstairs to see her, that head on her shoulders is gonna swell twice the size it already is and I can only tolerate her like that when we're playing video games.

 

* * *

 

 

Valerie holds true to her promise of caffeine and we leave the hotel to find it. I mention being at McDonalds this morning but she makes a face and says their coffee sucks. Which I take as a personal insult because hey – all coffee is good coffee.

There's a café across the street that Valerie practically drags me over to despite my playful protests of wanting McDonalds instead just to see that look on her face. Considering I have just over an hour left until the game, we decide that the café is a better idea anyway. I need to stick close to the hotel so Coach can't skin me for not showing up on time.

I've just finished telling her about the impromptu search party that Coach formed for me when he couldn't find me this morning and Valerie is snorting into her coffee. She sets her cup down, rolling her eyes as she mumbles something along the lines of, " _the shit you get up to sometimes."_

"Seriously, you should have seen his face, it was priceless," I grin, sipping from my own cup.

Valerie matches my grin. "I bet." She shakes her head at my idiocy again, her gaze drifting around the café when she looks away from me. The café is actually a pretty cool place. I thought it was gonna be pretentious and hipster just from the outside of it. But they've got some cool music playing and the art hanging on the walls isn't  _too_  hipster. Except for the fucking deer painting hanging just outside the men's bathroom.

I take in another mouthful of coffee, exhaling out a warm breath. "I didn't realize you planned on coming," I say, shrugging when she meets my gaze. "It's kind of a long drive out here just for one game. I would have texted you the highlights after," I joke and Valerie shakes her head.

"Why wouldn't I have come?" she asks, raising an eyebrow when I open and close my mouth without a response. "Of  _course_ I was going to come support you." She gives me a smile. "Plus I have to be here to insult you in case you start getting an ego."

I drop my gaze down to my coffee with a snort. "Thanks, Val. Good to know I can always count on you to keep me humble." I lift my cup to take in another mouthful, my mind wandering further and further from the game.

Valerie turns to stare out the window and exhales quietly. I find myself watching the barista wiping down the counter, the other patrons, the steam rising from Valerie's mug… but my mind is wandering far away from this coffee shop.

I start thinking about Danny – cause what else would I fucking think of? – and it keeps my mind far away from how fucking nervous I am about tonight. I don't think it's hit me just yet but… I have coaches coming to see me play tonight.  _Coaches._ More than one person believes in me and I don't think that'll ever really sink in until after it's all over.

Valerie looks back at me and chews on her lower lip like she wants to say something but I beat her to it.

"Can I ask you something?" I ask before swallowing down a mouthful of coffee. Valerie arches an eyebrow and nods. I set my cup down on the table again, tracing my finger along the lid. "I know that last time we talked about this, it caused some shit between us but… I was wondering if we could talk about your work. Just a little," I promise, lifting my gaze up to hers.

Valerie lets out a breath, leaning back in her chair. She lifts her cup to her mouth, taking in a long pull of coffee before she looks up at me with a nod. "Sure."

I rub the back of my neck awkwardly in the silence before meeting Valerie's gaze again. My hands fumble for my cup but I manage to grab it without spilling any coffee. "I know you said that some of this shit is classified but… how much can you tell me about the…ecto stuff you study? Like… the creatures?"

She gives me a funny look and leans forward to set her cup down again. "Well… what do you want to know? How they come into existence? What they're capable of? The experiments we've run on them in the past?"

"Um… start with that first thing? How they… come into existence?" I ask, keeping my gaze on my coffee cup as Valerie studies me. I know she's inwardly questioning the sudden interest in the topic and I'm really hoping she doesn't ask me about it.

Valerie sighs, shifting her gaze to the window again. "Ecto-entities come into existence in one of two ways. The first is from a death of a human. A lot of people believe that ectos are the reincarnation of a human's soul while others speculate that the ecto is merely an imitation of the human's soul. It hasn't been proven either way but both sides have made fairly convincing arguments."

"The other way is more heavily speculated as there's very little evidence at the moment to support scientists claims." Valerie takes another sip from her coffee before she looks at me with a shrug. "Certain scientists and individuals within this field believe that ectos aren't derivatives from a pre-existing soul. There's a strong belief between those that have studied this in-depth that instead of mere imitations, ectos are their own beings entirely."

She draws in a deep breath, dropping her gaze down to her coffee as she continues. "The thought alone brings up a lot of questions – especially about how an ecto might come into existence otherwise or how different they are to humans. If they can experience emotion and logic similar to that of a human's, then the world as a whole would have a lot to learn from these ectos."

Valerie shifts her stare out the window as she continues to talk, only pausing occasionally to sip from her coffee. "Within the second set of beliefs – about ectos having their own identities, some scientists believe that ecto-entities are born similar to the way a human child is born. But that in turn begs the question of whether or not these entities are sentient enough to have the instincts to reproduce or whether these births are merely coincidence. There were a number of studies done in the eighties on a few ectos that had been captured but the findings of the experiments performed on the ectos conflict with previous findings of studies done by scientists believing that ectos exist purely through a lost soul of a human."

She finally tears her gaze from the window, offering up a shrug as she looks back at me. "There's a lot of unknown information right now but that's about all I can tell you." She fidgets with the lid of her cup before she lets out a breath. She looks like she wants to ask why I'm interested in this so I talk before she can.

"Y-Yeah? What if it was a combination of the two theories?" I ask, feeling like I'm betraying Danny with every word I speak. "Like… a human soul that somehow attached to an ecto? Or like… a human and an ecto had a kid together?"

Valerie gives me a weird look, slowly shaking her head. "I highly doubt that would ever happen. Or work, more like it. Odds are, the kid's biological makeup wouldn't be stable enough to live in either the ecto-realm or our world. They'd end up self-destructing in a matter of weeks – if they were able to survive even  _that_ long."

"What… if their biological makeup was different from the beginning? Like somehow… something happened during their birth that made them different a-and more stable?" I ask, my voice garbled to my own ears. God, I really hope she doesn't ask why the fuck I'm getting this into a theoretical situation.

"I guess…" she says, her eyebrows drawing down. "Why? You have a specific theory in mind?"

I chew on the inside of my lip before I busy myself by draining a few sips of coffee. "Not really. Just kinda throwing ideas out there cause I've been looking a few things up. You know… since those guys came to our school and all." I drag in another sip of coffee, watching Valerie's expression shift, before I decide to push it just a little more. "What if… someone wasn't born in… the ecto's world or ours? What if they were born somewhere else entirely, like space for example. Would that change anything?"

Valerie lets out a soft 'hmm' noise and I can practically see the cogs whirring in her mind as she considers my words. A hot flush runs through me at the long stretch of silence that passes between us as she works out whatever's in her mind.  _Fuck, I shouldn't be talking to her about this. It's too close to Danny. She's gonna figure out what the fuck I'm talking about. I've just fucked everything up for Danny._

"Honestly, I don't know," Valerie finally says, shrugging. "It would most likely alter how the ecto-realm would affect the individual and gravity might not play as big of a role on earth, either." She sips from her coffee, nodding at me. "That's a cool theory though, that'd be interesting to look into in the future."

I nod a few times in the silence before I drop my gaze to my coffee, trying to understand what she's saying. It barely makes any sense to me but I need to know more about this shit for Danny. Cause I don't ever want to see him cry as he has to explain this shit to me.

"Why do you ask?" Valerie questions, arching an eyebrow when I look up at her. I wish I could tell her. I wish I could say that Danny  _is_ that theory and that I'm way out of my fucking element here. I want to help him figure his abilities out and see him practice but if I don't even know what the fuck I'll be seeing, I'm afraid I'm just gonna make it worse on him.

I shake my head, tracing the lid of my cup again. "I was just curious." I look up at her with a forced smile. "I saw a couple of crack-pot theories online and thought I'd pitch one or two at you to see what you thought."

Valerie snorts, shaking her head, and I turn my gaze out to the café again. Other people have come and gone while we've been talking and a few kids we go to school with have made their way over here too, probably in search of caffeine too.

"Kwan told me you've been talking to your mom," Valerie suddenly says, her expression hesitant when I meet her gaze.  _What?_  Fuck, I wasn't ready for anyone else to know yet. I'm barely handling the fact that I let Alex into this pain, now Valerie knows the truth, too?

I drop my gaze down to the table, quietly sipping my coffee again. It's still slightly too hot and it burns on the way down but I think I need it. Some concrete feeling to keep me grounded in this moment instead of letting myself ignore an awkward conversation like I always do.

"Yeah?" I run my index finger along the rim of my cup, letting out a pent-up breath.

Valerie's expression is worried as she nods and I wish I could do something to change that. This thing with mom is… a really shitty situation but it's not like it's gonna break me. I don't think I'm gonna let it.

I run a hand through my hair and force another scalding mouthful down my throat before I start. "It's… a bunch of shit, Val." I tentatively take another sip of my coffee, hoping for that burn to help me stay in the fucking moment instead of reliving the stupid conversation I had with her last night **.** "She… wants me to talk to her attorney… pretend that I was a witness to the shit that dad did, instead of experiencing it myself, y'know?"

Valerie puts her hand on top of mine, frowning when I look up at her. I only let myself have the contact for a second or two before I'm pulling my hand away. A few agonizing seconds pass by in silence before a frustrated grumble is dragged from me and I tug my phone from my pocket. My fingers shake as I type in my passcode and navigate where I want to be before I slide my phone on the table toward her, my screen on the texts I exchanged with mom. I chew on my thumbnail while Valerie looks from me to my phone, her eyebrows drawing down.

She takes a fucking decade and reads them over probably five times before she finally looks up at me again. "Shit," she says softly, continuing when she sees the expression on my face. I'm sure it's somewhere between confused and really fucking sad. "She… really shouldn't ask something like that from you."

I swallow past the lump in my throat, trying to burn out the sadness with another gulp of coffee. I want to drown out this feeling that's threatening to choke me with every passing second. I don't want to be sad anymore. But that shit's gotta be ingrained in my fucking bones by now.

"Yeah," is all I manage to push out between my gritted teeth. I don't want to try to be strong right now. I just want to admit how much this sucks. Cause it does. It sucks so fucking much and I hate that it's just another shitty situation I have to deal with.

Valerie reaches for my hand again and I quickly pull mine away, offering up a shrug as I down the remainder of my coffee. "It's cool, I'll get over it," I say, passing the cup back and forth between my hands. I should just get up and throw it away, convince myself to head back to the hotel, but I don't. I barely move a muscle and I think Valerie can tell how much I'm fucking warring with myself.

"I'm sorry. I know how hard that must've been to do," she says, not making a move toward me, though she looks like she wants to vault over the table and grab me in a hug.

I shrug, pushing away from the table. "It's okay." It's not. But for now, it needs to be. Cause I've got a game to play, and coaches coming to watch, and teammates to celebrate the win with. I don't have time to deal with mom's shit. For once, I don't give a fuck about what either of my parents want from me. Tonight  _has_  to be about what I want.

 

* * *

 

 

Valerie tries to talk to me on the way back to the hotel but I don't add much to the conversation and we eventually fall silent again. We're in the lobby of the hotel, passing by my teammates when I finally speak, tugging my phone from my pocket. "Technically, Coach told us to have our asses here by five but Danny wanted to see me before the game, so," I explain, hitting send on a text to Danny to find out where he is before I pass by Keith, clapping him on the shoulder.

Keith starts a little at first but he grins when he realizes it's me. He starts to ask me something but he's quickly pulled back into a conversation with Blake and Jeff.

I glance around the lobby again, checking my phone for a response. Maybe Danny's back in his room already. I don't know what Paulina wanted from him but I hope whatever it is wasn't horrible. And I hope that she's done with him by now – I think I could use a taste of the easiness Danny always manages to pour into my veins whenever I'm around him.

He hasn't responded yet but I wander over to the elevator anyway and I hit the up button, drumming my fingers against the back of my phone as I wait for the elevator doors to open. Valerie has followed me over to the elevators and lets out a pent up breath, leaning against the wall closest to me. "So. You've been… seeing Danny a lot, huh?"

She's giving me a sly look, a grin threatening to explode on her face when I meet her gaze and I carefully shrug before looking away again. I can't imagine what my face looks like but I'm pretty sure my expression is some cross between 'yeah-he's-really-fucking-great' and 'please-don't-ask-me-about-my-gay-panic.'

"You don't talk about anyone else the way that you talk about Danny," she says softly, the teasing tone a little gentler in her voice now. It still feels like a shout in the silence.  _Shit, she's picked up on my not-so-straight talk about someone that's supposed to just be my friend._

The elevator comes and goes without me in it and I let out a controlled breath. "He's my friend," I manage to say around the vice wrapped so tightly around my chest I can barely breathe.  _God, please don't make some kind of connection between this and the shit I was talking about at the café._

Valerie tsks softly, trying to catch my eye but failing. When I don't look her way or say a goddamn thing, she pushes away from the wall and puts a hand on my upper arm. I can feel my strength leaving me almost instantly.

"But that's not what you want him to be, is it?" she asks, all teasing gone from her. Fuck, she really wants me to tell her the truth but I can't. She wouldn't get it. I'd have to explain to her the way that I feel isn't just strictly for Danny or that it's not as simple as only liking guys now and I'll have to-

Fuck, why  _can't_  I tell her the truth? She's asking. She  _wants_  to know. She's not trying to make fun of me, she's genuinely fucking curious about what I want. Cause she's one of my best friends and actually gives a shit about me. Why does this have to be so complicated, why can't I just fucking  _say_  it?

"Yeah," I practically whisper, completely unprepared for the hug that Valerie pulls me into.  _Sh-Shit, was this really that easy?_

Valerie holds me gently, like she expects that confession to break me. It doesn't. It just makes the butterflies in my stomach go fucking nuts. The familiar tension joins the butterflies after a few seconds and I do my best to ignore the general sensations happening in my gut right now.

"It's okay," Valerie says when she pulls away, immediately giving me a smile. She brings one hand up to cup my face, her thumb brushing over my cheekbone. "Hey, it's okay to like him, Dash. This changes nothing to me, okay?"

I nod before dropping my gaze, not cause I don't believe her but cause this is embarrassing. I can feel the heat rising to my cheeks and I'm doing my best to ignore it. Which is pretty fucking unsuccessful.

"I kinda had a feeling to be honest," Valerie continues on, the smile still on her face when I look up at her again. I can sense the teasing in her expression but she speaks before I get the chance to tell her not to say anything. "Don't think that I'm not going to tease you about this cause it's adorable."

I give her a glare. "Shut it."

She takes this as some kind of challenge and grins. "Sooo… how often do you think about kissing him, huh? What like… two or three times a day? A  _minute_?" she teases and I let out a groan, covering my face with one hand. I mumble 'fucking hell' under my breath but it only makes her laugh again.

"Anyway," Valerie says, tugging my hand away from my face. She gives me a grin that lets me know that her teasing is far from over. "You'd better go if you want to find him before the game. I doubt you want Coach to have your ass for being late."

She keeps grinning at me and I flip up my middle finger at her before I take the elevator. As soon as the doors close, blocking Valerie's stupid, grinning face from my view, I tug my phone from my pocket and glance over Danny's response.

**From: Danny**

_**Just got back to my room. Where'd you disappear to?** _

I don't bother responding, feeling the nervous tremor starting in the tips of my fingers. I pocket my phone again and nervously chew on my fingernails until the elevator comes to a stop. It takes actual effort to appear casual as I stroll down the hallway and stop in front of Danny's room. My hand is shaking as I rap my knuckles gently against his door. I can hear shuffling on the other side and I hold my breath as his footsteps get closer.

Danny swings the door open, a look of confusion on his face that's quickly replaced by a smile. "Hey, I was just looking for you," he says, gesturing to his phone. There's a second of silence and his cheeks flush. "O-Oh… guess you saw the text."

The breath leaves me and the smile that I give him is only partially forced. The other part is because I'm so fucking nervous just looking at him. "Yeah… um… y-you wanted to see me? Before the game?"

"Oh yeah! I have something for you." Danny gestures for me to follow after him and starts across the room. He stops at the end of the bed and drags his bag onto it, quickly digging through it. "Hang on, I gotta find it. I know it's in here somewhere."

I push the door closed behind me and follow him over to the bed, returning to chewing on my thumbnail in the silence. His hair falls into his eyes and though he pushes it back with one hand, it almost immediately returns. I have to bite the inside of my cheek and dig what's left of my fingernails into my palm to stop myself from reaching out and pushing his hair back for him. Cause I wouldn't be able to stop there. I'd kiss him and I have no fucking  _clue_ how he'd react if I did that.

"Ah-ha!" Danny suddenly exclaims, pulling me from my thoughts. He spins around to face me and reaches for my hand. He frowns at the state of my nails and flicks his gaze up to me for a second before he deems whatever he's got for me more important and drops my hand. "Close your eyes."

I hesitate a second and he cocks his head to one side, a playful smile highlighting his features. That look on his face stands out in stark contrast to all the times I've seen him in tears and I want to remember this moment forever.

"Come on, humor me," he says and after I let out a stuttered breath, I close my eyes.

He takes a step closer to me and my heart jumps into my throat when he touches me. And then his chest is flush with my own as he leans forward, likely leaning on his tiptoes to reach me and I almost completely fucking lose it. I suck in a sharp breath and it's deafening in the silence. He pauses his actions for a second before he's suddenly looping something around my neck. He leans away from me letting out a quiet exhale, and I instantly miss the warmth of his chest against me. "O-Okay," he mutters. "Open your eyes."

Danny is looking up at me with an earnest expression, shyly biting his lip. I only let myself watch him for a second before I look down at what he put on me. There's a black cord around my neck, a dark pendant dangling from it. The pendant looks like some kind of ancient symbol but I don't recognize it. I want to ask what it is but my mouth won't work. He seems to get that because he talks before I can.

"I… wanted to wish you good luck and this… pendant has been that and… so much more for me for a long time. My dad gave it to me a few years ago and I-I've… carried it around with me since." He's beaming when I look at him and he continues like he never stopped for a response. "I want you to have it for the game tonight."

My chest feels tight when I stare at his smile. I don't know what to say and in combination with the butterflies and tension in my gut I end up spewing word-vomit at him.

"Danny…" I trail off, his name fucking with me more than I'm willing to admit. I can feel the heat creep across my cheeks and I drop my stare back to the pendant to avoid looking at him. "You… shouldn't give me this," I mumble, only chancing a look up at him when the silence has stretched on long enough to become awkward.

Danny's frowning at me, his eyebrows drawn down. I can tell from his expression that he was hoping I'd just take it without question but…

"This is really important to you. And I don't want to take it from you," I mumble and I reach to take it off but he stops me before I can. His touch is like electricity against my skin and I drag in a harsh breath as he shakes his head.

"Give it back to me when you win," he says with a smile, and I can't resist him. God, he looks so fucking happy when I nod. How am I supposed to resist the one person that makes my heart skip beats and ache like I'm head-over-fucking-heels in love with him?

 

* * *

 

 

I force myself to leave Danny's room after that, all too aware that if there isn't distance between us, I'll kiss him. I won't be able to talk myself out of it or even consider how he would feel, I'll just kiss him and everything will change.

The lobby's filled up since I was last out here. Keith's parents have just arrived and they're hugging him, already talking about how proud they are of him. He's alternating between hugging his parents and his sister, grinning at whatever she's saying, and I step past the scene, feeling the pangs of jealousy stabbing at me.

I pass Blake next. He's standing just behind his dad, listening to his mom, as his dad talks to Coach. I catch snatches of the conversation they're having and the look on Coach's face easily screams annoyance but I do my best to ignore all of them as I shuffle past Blake.

One glance across the lobby lets me know that Kwan's mom has arrived now too. God, she's going through a fucking  _divorce_ and she's still here for her kid. I'm happy that she is cause Kwan could use that support whether we win or lose tonight. It just… it sucks that I'm the only one with no one here. Valerie came to watch me play but… is it so wrong to want more than just Valerie cheering for me? I know that there are coaches here to see me play but... I wish one of my parents showed up too. Well not  _my_ parents. Some other version of my parents. The version that gives a shit about me. Can't I just have someone here that wants to support me?

"Yo, squirt!"

Anastasia is a few paces behind me when I turn around, grinning as she waves. Alex is trailing behind her, giving me a smile that I'm quick to return. She starts my way and I match her pace. But I falter when I see who they've brought with them. A woman with dark brown, curly hair – just like her kids – and the kindest eyes I've ever seen, is following after the two of them. Tatiana.  _Fuck, they've… brought their mom with them._

This is the same woman that basically stitched my broken pieces back together after my own mom left. She took care of me when I fucked up my calf back in the spring and god, she's here. Probably dragged along by Alex or maybe Anastasia but fuck. She's here.

"Jeez, your eyes look awful. How much sleep have you had, kid?" Anastasia asks, buffing me on the arm when she's close enough. She must see my stare trained behind her cause she turns to look. "I'm guessing Alex didn't tell you we were coming."

I shake my head, words failing me as I swallow past the lump forming in my throat.

"Dash!" Tatiana says, suddenly close enough to scoop me into one of her famous bear hugs. She squeezes me and rubs small circles in my back and I fucking choke. On every shitty emotion I've felt these past few hours and everything my mom said to me on the phone last night, and the fact that Valerie knows about that fucking shit now, and what dad's done and the way I feel for Danny and-

Tatiana pulls away, giving me a sympathetic smile as she pats my cheeks. "Don't cry, dear." She brushes her thumbs under my eyes and I'm ashamed of the noise that leaves my mouth. God, she's actually here.

"Hi," is all I can manage to squeak out but she seems to understand how rattled I am right now.

She smiles at me, a genuine sort of happy smile that isn't forced and I have to drop my gaze. It's been so long since I've seen her. The ache in my chest lets me know that it's been  _too_  long. "You been taking care of yourself?  _Has estado durmiendo bien_?" she asks and the language is lost on me.

"English, mama."

Alex's voice pulls me out of my trance and I step away from Tatiana, her arms falling to her sides. She shoots a worried look my way, like maybe she should have held onto me longer, and I almost reach for her again. Cause she's so gentle and kind and I've really fucking missed her. Too much time has passed since I've seen her and I ache to tell her how much I appreciate her coming here. Her and her kids.

"Ahh, I always forget. I'm around so many people that speak the language and most of Alex's friends do too… I never remember that you don't speak it," she apologizes, looking up at her son. He leans down to plant a kiss to her cheek before she turns her focus back on me, her warm smile returning in an instant. "Have you been sleeping well, dear?"

The words stick like treacle in my throat but I push them out anyway. "Y-Yeah, as much as I can."

"You look less like hell than the last time I saw you, so I'm gonna take that as a good sign," Anastasia says, winking when I meet her gaze. "It's a good look for you."

I barely have time to give her a smile before Coach's booming voice sounds over all of us. My teammates and I turn at the sound and Coach announces that the families of players need to clear out of the lobby and go down the street to the stadium. The game is growing closer and I can feel the excitement finally start to ripple through me.

A final round of hugs are exchanged between my teammates and their parents and I turn back to the family that's not my own but has come for me today and I don't have to force the smile on my face. I'm really fucking happy that they're here. And I promise myself that I'll tell them exactly how much this means to me once the game is over.

"I'll see you guys at the game," I say, hoping they know how happy I am that they're here. I'm not good at saying shit but I hope they can see it in my expression.

I let Tatiana squeeze my hand before I start for Coach and my teammates, the lobby quickly clearing of all the families here to support their kids. I practically have to fight them to get across the room but I manage to get a few paces closer to Coach and my teammates. When I get a couple steps farther away from the Moreno's, my head and heart buzzing with excitement, Alex calls out to me.

He quickly pushes through the crowd and meets me, not waiting for me to respond before he pulls me into a hug. "Do your best out there, okay? Don't think about anything other than how much you love this game. You don't even have to think about winning if you don't want to. Just focus on the game." He pulls away, surprising me by ducking down to brush a kiss to my hairline. He's practically beaming as he holds my face between his hands. "Give em hell, kid."

_Believe me, Alex. I intend to._

 

* * *

 

 

My teammates are obnoxiously loud after Coach leaves us in the locker room to change into our uniforms but it doesn't scratch at me the way it usually does. I'm vibrating with excitement – thinking on the same frequency as everyone else in the room. I can't wait for my team to get our hands on the ball and show Livermore what the Casper High Ravens are made of.

Even though my mind is tied up endlessly with thoughts of the game and just getting out there on the field already, I manage to get dressed faster than any of my teammates. But that might also have to do with the fact that most of my teammates are playing around.

Jeff is tossing a football from one end of the locker room and a few of my teammates are taking turns catching it. Dale's up this time and he makes a dive for it, accidentally tackling Mitchell in the process. The two fall onto the floor of the locker room but they're both laughing and I can't help but grin as I turn away from them.

A quick glance over my shoulder lets me know that no one's paying attention to me and I easily slip out a pill bottle from my gym bag. I still have a couple more of the painkillers that the hospital prescribed me when I was therebut I've only got two in this bottle. When I was packing my gym bag at the house yesterday, I imagined this bizarre scenario where Coach found the pill bottle and thought I was on some kind of steroid so… I decided to play it safe and only put in what I'm gonna take now rather than the whole bottle.

I pop the cap off my bottle of Gatorade and I shake the two pills into my hand. Painkillers always make me a little more sluggish on the field but without them, I might as well surrender the trophy to Livermore now.

Across the room, Jeff's throwing the football again and just as I tip my head back to drop the pills into my mouth, Keith dives to catch the ball. His shoulder knocks into mine with the movement and I stumble forward just a little. Just enough to lose my balance. And the only two painkillers I have with me right now tumble from my open palm and hit the ground.

I'm frozen in some weird state of shock as I watch those two pills roll across the floor and though I move to catch them – stop them from rolling away forever – I'm not fast enough. The painkillers I need to survive tonight roll right up to the drain beside the showers and fall in.

There's something scratching in the back of my mind as I stumble forward a few paces to look down into the drain. It isn't until the silence catches up to me that I realize I spoke. I yelled something – maybe Keith's name, maybe just 'no' – and everyone in the locker room has gone silent.

"Just got a look at your own reflection, Baxter?" Dale asks from behind me, laughter spilling over into his tone and I know he didn't see what happened. No one did. And I can't tell them now. Because one of them would tell Coach and I'll never get to play if they do. This game is gonna be hard without painkillers but I can't sit it out. I can't let what dad did take that from me.

I let out an exaggerated groan and stoop down, sliding my phone out of my pocket just out of view with the movement. "I dropped my fucking phone," I lie, standing up again. I run my phone down the front of my jersey and glance over the screen. "Looks like it's gonna live another day though."

Dale's watching me from where he's still laying on top of Mitch on the floor and I turn away from him, focusing my attention back on my locker. It stays silent around me for another second or two before Jeff calls out for someone else to catch the ball.

Jeff readies himself to throw the ball to Seth but he doesn't get a chance to before the door opens and Coach steps inside. Almost none of my teammates are in uniform and most of them scramble to get dressed to avoid Coach's lecture.

Coach steps further into the locker room and glances around, his eyebrows drawing down as he starts to speak. "What the hell is the matter with you guys? Your asses are supposed to be out on the field in five minutes and you're in here playing around?" he demands, his gaze shifting to Dale and Mitch, his eyebrows rising on his forehead. "What the hell are you two doing? Get your asses up and in uniform. You can cuddle  _after_ the game is over."

Mitch's ears turn red as Coach talks and he quickly shoves Dale a little, wriggling out from under him before he stands up. Dale watches him for a split second before he pushes himself up off the floor and starts for his own uniform.

Coach stands by the door, watching to make sure my teammates actually do what they're supposed to, but I'm done already. I just grab my helmet and head for the door, giving Coach a nod as I pass by him. He easily lets me go and though I've been itching to play this game for so long, I almost wish he knew what just happened. Because he'd stop me from getting out on the field and I'm almost scared to go out there. But no matter the amount of fear that's been poured into my bones, I have to get out there and play this game. My teammates are counting on me. Coach is counting on me. My  _future_ is counting on me. It doesn't matter how much pain I end up in by the end of this game, all that matters is the game. And I'm playing in it even if it kills me.

 

* * *

 

 

The roar of the crowd sticks in my head from the second our team steps onto the field after my teammates have gotten their act together. The chill of November is reaching me through my jersey but I don't think that's the only reason shivers are running through me. I'm so fucking excited and terrified at the same time.

Up in the crowd, I can see Alex and his family sitting with Valerie and Danny. Anastasia is leaning back, grinning at whatever Valerie's telling her but Danny's nodding as Tatiana speaks, their heads close together. I can only imagine what kind of conversation they're having but for some reason, seeing Tatiana and Danny talking makes my chest squeeze and warmth spread through me despite the anxiety that's been swirling in my gut since I dropped my painkillers. Seeing them talk makes me think about something else entirely.  _Tatiana, meet the boy who has my heart. Careful with him, I don't have his yet._

"Baxter, you with us?" Blake asks, clapping me on the shoulder as he passes by. His gaze strays up into the crowd and he makes a face. "Stop paying attention to them. We've gotta focus on the game or we'll lose."

I nod, easily going with him after I spare a final glance at the crowd. Blake's right. If I want a chance of us winning this thing, I've gotta focus. And focusing starts by keeping my attention far away from the boy up in the stands and the bruises littered underneath my jersey.

Keith claps me on the back when I join the huddle and I'm practically fucking vibrating from excitement. I've only played in one championship game before, in my sophomore year and we lost. I remember Coach took that loss pretty hard but this feels different than it was then. This feels like we could win.

"Alright, boys." Coach claps his hands together, mirroring our expressions with a grin of his own. "You've practiced hard and played harder this year. Every single moment you've spent on the field and off has prepared you for this moment. The moment when you charge out onto that field and you show Livermore what you're made of. That alone is enough to be proud of." He glances around at all of us in turn. "No matter what the score, when you leave the field tonight, you leave as winners." He claps Jeff and Kwan on the back cause they're standing the closest to him but judging from his expression, I'm guessing he wants to go around the circle and pull us all into a hug.

He puffs out his chest, letting out a heavy breath, that grin never leaving his face. "You are  _all_  winners, do you hear me? Years from now, you'll look back on this night and remember the feeling of tearing up the field and your pounding hearts. You go out there tonight and you play hard. You fight for this victory because it belongs to you. You've worked harder than any other team out there and tonight, you get to prove to everyone how much it's paying off." He beams at us, putting his fist out into the center of the circle. "Come on, Ravens on three."

I think I go deaf from how loud my teammates and I scream our name back at Coach and then we're barreling onto the field. I slide on my helmet, fitting the mouth guard into place before I take in a deep breath. I feel the necklace Danny put on me slide a little underneath my shoulder pads but I don't pay it any more attention than a second. Coach is right. This is our night. And that victory already belongs to us.

_Bring it, Livermore._

 

* * *

 

 

By halftime, I'm dying. Every time one of Livermore's players tackles me, it gets harder to breathe. And I've blinked back tears of pain more than once before I join my teammates in a huddle. I'm better at masking my pain than I thought I'd be and no one picks up on it. So I keep putting in my all out there on the field but when the halftime buzzer sounds, relief floods through me.

My teammates and I pile into the locker room together and we're all fucking exhausted. The game is grueling and we're up against a harder opponent than we've ever had to face but the struggle has done nothing to dampen my teammates spirits. Every person in the locker room right now is still keyed up and fucking ready for this. It feels like this win has been a long time coming and I wish my body didn't ache so much. Because the excitement I can feel rippling in my chest would be explosive if I wasn't in too much pain to let it out.

I'm sandwiched between Kwan and Keith, both chugging Gatorade like I should be doing. After a few seconds of me not moving, Kwan nudges my hand and nods at the bottle clutched in my hand that I've barely had more than a sip from. It hurts just to lift my arm but I disguise the wince as a short laugh.

"I can't believe we're fucking here," I mumble when Kwan glances toward me at my noise.

Kwan grins at me and I force myself to chug back a few swallows before I roughly swipe at the back of my mouth and shoot Kwan a grin in response. I might be in pain but my disbelief at this situation is real. We're here. We're doing it. I'm actually playing in the championship game with some of my best friends as my teammates.

Coach whistles at us just before halftime is over and signals for me to come over to him. I ditch my half-empty bottle on the bench with Kwan and jog over to Coach. As soon as I'm close enough, he puts an arm around my shoulders, talking quietly. "Listen, change of plans. Last play of the night, we're running play nine after all."

I let out a breath, glancing back toward my teammates before I look back at Coach. "Uhh… that's kind of a risk. Jeff's timing was still off by a second. And if I'm off, it gives him even less time… I don't know if running that play is the best idea."  _Especially considering I'm moving so much more slowly than I would have been on my painkillers._

"Not if we change it," Coach says, lowering his voice as he pulls me closer to him. "Instead of passing to Jeff at the end, I want you to take it all the way to the end zone, alright?" He squeezes my shoulder, glancing up as the rest of my teammates start getting up from the benches, prepared to take the field again.

"What….? I-I thought you said the reason play nine works is cause it has an advantage of-"

"Forget the advantage," Coach says, clapping me on the back. "Trust me, alright? Omit Jeff from the equation and run the play. Keith's going to clear the way for you," he says, pulling away from me as my teammates start for us and he puts his fist into the center, calling for us to yell out Ravens again.

My teammates are quick to place their hands on top of his and I'm slower at reacting.  _Coach wants me to run the play differently cause… it gives me more time. The crowd'll be watching what I do instead of Jeff._ Coaches  _will be watching what I do._

"Baxter, come on." Coach reaches out to tap me on the shoulder and for a split second, I've forgotten that this game isn't over. That we're still in the middle of it. And that there's so much expectation on all of us and that this time, there are people in the crowd here for  _me_  and coaches are watching what we do and I-

"R-Right!" I clap my hand on top of Keith's and holler out my team's name once more, feeling like it'll be the last time I say it for a long time.

 

* * *

 

 

We're down by three points. Twenty seconds on the clock. No way do I have time to do what Coach wants me to. I've run fast before but fucking sprinting down the length of the field? I can't do that. No way can I do that. I'm gonna have to default back to the original play. Coach knows that. He has to. Fuck, what do I do?

The whistle sounds, signaling the start of the play again and I'm sprinting down the length of the field, my every breath wheezing and strained as I move.  _Fuck, I don't know if I have the strength to do this._

I pass Dale without handing off the ball like we'd originally planned. He still pretends that he's got it but the other team isn't fooled for long. They're on my ass in a second and I barely avoid a tackle move made by one of their linebackers.

15 seconds left.

Up the field, Keith's doing exactly what Coach said he'd be doing – clearing the way for me. He's distracting Livermore's players by running a tackle play that we've practiced a lot but never perfected. And in every scenario, Keith always ends up at the bottom of the pile.

I wince for Keith and for myself, my breaths coming in short pants as my feet pound against the field. The sound of the crowd gets lost somewhere between my pounding heart and the footsteps barreling behind me.

I've never been the fastest one on the field and I'm definitely not that now. Jeff's faster – always has been. He's a little leaner than I am but he can surprisingly withstand a beating. He's the one that should be taking this ball to the goal. He should make the winning shot.

Jeff's almost in position. Got Livermore's other tackleon his ass but he's there. He's open. The timing's perfect, he stretches his arms out, I tighten my hand around the ball.  _I don't have time to make it there myself. Jeff's closer. Fuck what Coach said, I gotta do what's right for this team, I can't be this selfish and take this victory away from them cause I wanna make myself look good._

Ten seconds.

I turn toward him as I run, just like we practiced. I'm in position now to throw the ball his way but he's overtaken by the linebacker on his ass and he goes down, hitting the field hard. I only watch my teammate for a second, until I can see him moving, before I snap my attention back to the game.  _Fuck, I can't do this._

I cradle the ball against my chest and barrel down the field like I'm the only person running. That linebacker splits away from Jeff and starts charging my way instead and I have no fucking clue how I manage to dodge him. Livermore's center is right after his teammate and he almost knocks me down. I stumble and almost lose my hold on the ball but the goal's right there. I'm so fucking close.  _I-I can do this!_

The necklace Danny loaned me is slamming against my chest with every pounding step I take and I know there's no way I'll be able to get through the players in front of me. I can practically feel the clock ticking down faster and faster with each step. Fuck, what am I supposed to do? I don't have time to get through these guys and there isn't a way around them.

5…4…3…

At the last possible second, I dive onto the ground and slide past them. They both land on top of me and the pain is almost blinding but their tactic didn't work. They tried to stop me from getting here but the ball is still in my outstretched hand, past the white lines of the end zone. The buzzer sounds and I feel like I've gone deaf.

I barely hear the noise of the crowd. I feel it instead. Every scream and cheer is a pound of my chest. Every whoop and holler changes into a shaky laugh despite the pain rumbling through my chest. The commentator's voices become goosebumps and Coach's screaming chants are swells of my heart.

The crowd and my teammates are going fucking nuts and I can't move from my spot. Not cause two of Livermore's players are still pinning me to the field or because of the pain still radiating through me with every breath. I can't move cause I'm frozen, just staring at the football in my hand. All that talk about this victory being ours and leaving the field as winners earlier felt like just that. Talk. But we're more than just winners. Tonight, my teammates and I are fucking champions.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goooo, Ravens! ;p
> 
> I feel like I've been working on this chapter for a lot longer than it's actually been. I started editing this on Tuesday or so of last week and I finished up all the edits Sunday night. But oh man, you guys. When I edit these chapters, I don't mean that I just change a word or two every couple of scenes – when they need to be heavily edited, I tear these chapters apart and piece them back together in order to create the best, most cohesive chapter I can. And this one was no different
> 
> Before I started editing this chapter, it was just over 13k words. Now, you guys are looking at 18k. EIGHTEEN. I put in an additional 5k on this chapter because it needed it. And I'm really glad that I did because I like this chapter a lot better now. But that's enough behind the scenes stuff, on to the actual content of this chapter
> 
> Quick note before I get into the specifics of this chapter: I had Alex's mom talk in Spanish earlier and like I've said before, I don't speak Spanish but according to my translation program, what she said in Spanish should have been, "Have you been sleeping well?"
> 
> I really hope that part didn't come across as "I forget to switch back to English around non-Spanish speakers!" cause that's not what I meant at all. She's just literally around people all day long that can speak both languages so most of the time, she easily switches between the two languages from sentence to sentence and everyone she's around does the same. So… sometimes she just forgets that Dash isn't one of the people around her that can speak the language… I hope that makes sense
> 
> Onto the rest of the chapter though. First up, Dash and Danny sleeping next to each other again, huuuuuh? And please don't kill me for that almost kiss in Danny's room, I had to do it
> 
> What do you think about Dash asking Valerie for more information about her work just so he can help Danny? Was he smooth or were you nervous that Valerie was going to guess why he was asking? Also… I know you guys haven't seen her for too long but what do you think of Alex's mom? You'll get to see more of her next chapter but I'm curious what you guys think of her right now
> 
> Danny giving Dash his necklace for good luck… I'd love to know what you're thinking about that. I can already guess that some of you will probably be wondering if there's something magical or ghostly about that necklace and I'll go ahead and spoil that for you: No, there isn't. It's just a regular necklace and Danny's just a sweetie that wants to wish Dash good luck. The necklace will come back up again, don't worry. You'll get plenty of information about it later if you're curious
> 
> Any thoughts about the final play of the game and how Coach told him to play it? Or what about Dash playing in the game without managing to get his painkillers? Any idea how much that's gonna fuck with him next chapter? Spoiler: it's a lot ;p
> 
> A little disclaimer here: I know nothing about American football and I won't pretend that I do. I spent hours researching the playbook that Coach Brimfield references in this chapter but… I couldn't understand it for the life of me. So rather than try to understand the proper term for the play that Coach told Dash to make at the end of the game, I just called it "play nine" and moved on. Sorry if that disappoints any of you but I honestly don't understand this sport. I can write endless scenes of Dash or Alex fixing cars but football? No chance in hell of that happening
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from The Unstoppable by The Score. As soon as you're finished reading my A/N, you need to go and hear that song. It's like THE championship game in my head. When I first heard this song, I was like "yup, that's gonna be used for the final game chapter" because it's too perfect!
> 
> Anyway, thanks for checking out this update, I really appreciate it! Let me know what you thought of it either on here or on my tumblr (jaeger-soul) – I love hearing from all of you! I hope you enjoyed it and I'll see you guys next update!


	58. Midnight Mouths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, this chapter is like 24k, just wanted to let you know before you settle in for "a quick read"

 

The crowd pours onto the field and when the Livermore players peel themselves off of me, I'm finally able to breathe again. Keith jogs over to me, tucking his helmet under his arm before he extends a hand down to me, a huge fucking grin on his face.

I manage to take his hand but getting up from the grass is more difficult than I thought it would be. Every part of my body hurts and I don't know how to play it off. Keith gives me a curious look that I just barely manage to brush off with a wobbly smile but it's easy to fly under the radar with how loud the crowd is cheering for us.

Everyone's on the field now, all the people from Amity Park surrounding us and wanting to congratulate us. Parents find their kids and hug them tightly and Alex is the first of the Moreno's to get to me. He's grinning and he wraps me in a hug and I ignore the pain it brings me. Because my team won the fucking championship game and Alex is here along with his family and I can see Danny grinning just behind Tatiana and I'm so goddamn  _happy,_  I feel like I'm gonna burst. But it's a good feeling. It's a really fucking good feeling.

* * *

 

I'm in worse pain leaving the field with my teammates than I was when we walked on. But I'm so fucking happy, I'm able to ignore it. We're all carrying the trophy, screaming our lungs out on our way to the locker room and I'm hoisted onto my teammates' shoulders at one point. I know I pump my fist repeatedly and we shout choruses of victory but I feel like I'm watching this happen outside of myself. I've been excited and confident about this game since our last one but I never actually thought the Ravens would be taking home the win.

Several reporters are trying to get quotes from us, talk about how close the game was, but Coach shuts us all away inside the locker room.

"Come on, Coach, why can't we just give em a few minutes of our time?" Blake asks, flashing a grin.

Keith sinks down on the bench beside me and we share a look. Out of all of my teammates, Blake's always the one to talk to the press. After tonight, it's pretty much a guarantee that his face is gonna be the one plastered all over the newspapers in Amity Park. Wouldn't surprise me if he ends up in some of the newspapers here in Livermore.

Coach gives Blake a look and points at the bench behind him. "Sit."

My teammate grumbles but collapses onto the hard plastic beside the rest of us. I lean forward, resting my forearms against my thighs. The pain radiating through me right now is endless and I wish this wasn't happening  _now_. We won. I should be able to just be happy and go out with my friends and party like this is our last night on earth. But something's telling me that I'm gonna be in way too much pain to join in any celebrations.

"The win is yours, boys," Coach suddenly says, pulling me from my thoughts. He's smiling when I look up at him and he lets out a laugh. "After  _six_  years, the Ravens have brought home the trophy. I can't even begin to tell you all how proud I am of you. And you should be proud too."

He steps back from us, shaking his head as he sets the trophy down on one of the few empty benches in the locker room. "After you leave this room, you can talk to whoever you want to – reporters, friends, family… anyone. But right now, this moment is yours. Take it in. Know that hard work and dedication is what brought you here today. No amount of natural talent can beat what you've displayed here tonight. Each and every one of you out there on the field tonight are champions."

Coach's gaze drifts toward mine and I can't help but feel like he's talking directly to me now. "You are amazing players and every opportunity you get from here on out should remind you of that. You didn't get here by luck. You fought hard for this victory." He bows his head, taking a few steps backward with a broad smile. "Congratulations, Ravens. It's been an honor coaching you."

He leaves the locker room then and the quiet that descended over my teammates is quickly forgotten. Everyone starts talking at once, excited chatter crowding up the empty space where Coach was, and Dale loudly reminds all of us that he's throwing a party in his room around ten and that we'd all better get our asses there.

I move from the bench, my movements feeling pretty damn sluggish despite the general excitement I can feel rippling through the air.  _We won. This is a good thing. But fuck, this hurts._

My teammates keep up a steady flow of chatter and I catch a few things they're talking about. A couple of people are discussing the party in Dale's room. Blake is talking about scoring alcohol from his parents. Jeff is going on and on about Star  _again_ , Keith mentions his sister, and I-

_Am I breathing?_

I drag in a strangled gulp of oxygen as I stumble over to the showers and for the first time since I walked off the field, I truly feel the pain running through me right now. I strip off my gear and when my shirt comes off, it's with a flash of red that makes me freeze.

Everyone else in the locker room is talking excitedly and I'm leaning against the wall of the shower, washing  _blood_  off my side.  _Holy fucking shit._

My breath comes out in a gasp and I see stars as I turn toward the shower spray a little more, trying to limit my movements in case I fucking  _broke_ my rib.  _Fuck, what am I supposed to do? I don't have any painkillers here, they're all back at the hotel._

Jeff calls out to me, his hands cupped around his mouth and I think I raise my hand in response but I don't know. It's hard to concentrate on anything other than this pain and I try to steady my breathing. I probably look anti-social as fuck right now but I'm in way too much pain to notice anything or anyone else. It's not that I don't want to celebrate with my teammates. I do. So fucking badly. But the pain radiating through me right now is the worst my rib has felt in a long time and I can't fucking focus on anything else.  _Please tell me I didn't break my fucking rib._

* * *

 

My teammates are so distracted by celebrating, they barely notice when I slip out of the locker room. Keith and Kwan are two of the only ones to pick up on it. Kwan turns around to watch me go and shoots a worried glance my way that I don't know how to respond to. I don't want to tell him that I'm fucking  _bleeding_  so I end up lifting a shoulder in a half-shrug before I let the door close between us.

I release a breath, my fingers trembling as I dig my phone from my pocket. Danny's necklace is still around my neck and I close my hand around it for a second, reminding myself that it's there, before I quickly send a message off.

**To: Danny**

_**Really need to talk to you** _

**To: Danny**

_**Where are you?** _

I stumble forward just a few paces, trying to judge if I can actually make it to the bleachers, when a hand touches my shoulder. I start at the touch and turn around to see Coach, a wide smile on his face.

"Your performance tonight was phenomenal," he says, reaching out to clap a hand on my shoulder and I try not to wince. "You have no idea how many people you've just impressed. You're going to have your pick of colleges, Dash. Your  _pick_."

A nervous breath leaves me and though his words spark excitement in my chest, the pain is still strong enough to distract me. I give a nod instead of telling him how fucking thankful I am for everything he's done and it doesn't feel like enough. But I don't trust myself to move without fucking  _breaking_ cause of the pain.

"I mean it, you were amazing out there tonight. I'm so proud of your team but seeing you out there tonight… Dash, I was so proud. I felt like I was watching you play for the first time," he says, squeezing my shoulder and giving me a little shake as a small laugh tumbles from him. "You probably want to go hang out with your friends and your family so I won't keep you for long but… I wanted you to know that come Monday, you will have offers. More than offers, Dash, you'll have  _opportunities_."

I wish there was something I could say. Some way to tell him how much I appreciate everything he's done for me and how much he's  _believed_ in me but… I suck with words and I'm in pain. Now's just not the time for me to be thanking anyone.

Coach wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into a hug I wasn't entirely prepared for but I recover pretty well. Even though it's causing more pain to ripple through me, I let him hug me and I even put my hand on his back too. He says again that he's proud of me before he lets me go and wanders a few paces away from me, back toward the locker room.

I only watch him for a few seconds before I decide that if I keep standing here, I'll probably fucking collapse. I can still see stars as I walk away from him but I manage to get across to the bleachers, digging my phone from my pocket to check Danny's response.

**From: Danny**

_**I'm in the parking lot with Alex and his family. Is everything okay?** _

My hands are actually shaking and I'm struggling to drag in a breath and I really don't want to type, I'd rather just come up to him and have him hold my hand as I tell him I'm in so much fucking pain I can't breathe but I don't want Alex to see me like this. Or Anastasia or Tatiana. God, _especially_ Tatiana.

**To: Danny**

_**Can you come to me? I'm still on the field, sitting on the bleachers** _

I all but collapse onto the last row of the bleachers, jerking my hand through my hair. We  _won._ We actually fucking won. And everything has been so good today. I spent a lot of my day with Danny and Valerie and… and Alex showed up and his family's here and Tatiana saw me play and  _fuck._

My breath comes in a short gasp and with a flash of pain that has me doubling over.  _Fuck, what the fuck did I do to my rib?_  I drop my head in my hands and squeeze my eyes closed, trying to keep myself from panicking.  _Why didn't I take more than two fucking painkillers into the locker room with me?_

"Dash?"

I look up at my name and Danny's in front of me. He frowns at my appearance and I can only imagine what I look like. He takes a step forward, nudging my knees apart with his. I'm fucking ashamed at where the heat in my body pools to as I stare up at him.  _Fuck, Danny, you're gonna make this worse._

"What's wrong?" he asks softly, his voice gentle as he rests a hand on my shoulder. His fingers curl in the fabric of my t-shirt and a pained breath escapes me as my eyes fall closed. Why is he so perfect? Why does looking at him do things to my car crash of a heart?

I swallow thickly, feeling like all of my bravado is flooding through my system now that he's here in front of me. I want to reach up and tug him down into a kiss. Say that I called him out onto the field because I needed to tell him. To finally show him how I feel, to-

Danny kneels in front of me, his pelvis fucking  _inches_  from mine as he leans forward to brush the hair from my forehead when my eyes fly open. He gives me a troubled look, delicately tracing a scar on my cheek as he lets out a breath.

"Are you… okay?" he asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

I slowly nod, gritting my teeth against the pain as I push my fingers through my hair again.

"What happened?" Danny questions, his touches gentle against my skin as he puts one hand on my cheek. His eyebrow's draw down as he stares at me and I wonder what expression I'm wearing.

I wonder if he knows. If he recognizes that touch of adoration my face adopts whenever he's around. If he recognizes that I don't just appreciate his presence cause he's a good friend. I appreciate the hell out of him cause he's so much more amazing than I'll ever deserve.

My heart's hammering but I lean forward, burying my face in his chest, and inhale the scent of him. God, I could get drunk off the feeling of his arms sliding around my back as he presses me against his chest.

"Dash, what is it?" he asks, dropping his cheek against the top of my head.  _Oh fuck. N-No, don't play with my hair, Danny, you're gonna be the death of me. Fenton, please._

I push out a breath, trying to let some of my feelings for him go with the action. Of course it doesn't work. Of course I'm still wrapped up in him, wanting him to take it further cause I'm too fucking chicken to. Why can't he tug my face up to meet his and press his lips to mine?

"I'm… in pain," I mumble, curling my fingers around the back of his t-shirt.

He freezes, his hands going still on my back for a few seconds. "You're  _what_?" he whispers, pulling away just far enough to get a look at my face. I can only shrug and even that drags a wince from me. Danny frowns, shaking his head. "I don't understand. What happened? Was it that last play – when those guys tackled you?"

I shake my head, swallowing down the bundle of nerves when I look up at him. "No, I… didn't get a chance to take any painkillers before the game and my rib is  _killing_ me and there was some blood and I-"

" _What_?" Danny breathes, pulling away from me further, his gaze quickly sweeping down my body. "Blood where?"

I lean back just a little and tug the hem of my shirt up. Most of the blood washed off in the shower but the area is still red and I can see a few drops of blood beading up to the surface already. I grimace at the sight and look up to see Danny making the same face.

"Jesus, Dash," he says softly, tugging my shirt up a little higher. He pushes his hair back from his face before he leans closer to get a better look at the spot. When he gently places his hand on my rib, a shiver runs through me and I don't know if he realizes how cold his hands are right now.

I watch him for a split second before I let out a pained breath. "Do you… think my rib broke through the skin? Does it look like that?"

Danny shakes his head, letting my shirt fall back into place as he leans over me. "I can't tell. It doesn't really look that way to me but we should get this checked out just in case," he responds, standing up before he extends his hand down to me.

"I'm not going to the hospital tonight," I say, giving Danny a pointed look when he raises an eyebrow. "My team just won the fucking championship game. I'm hanging out with them tonight, not around a bunch of doctors."

He rolls his eyes, scoffing lightly. "It's not like there won't be  _another_ party, Dash."

I don't care if there are a fucking  _million_ parties when we get back to Amity Park – I'm not blowing off this one. We won the championship game and I'm hanging with my team tonight. This pain will just have to fuck off for a few hours.

"Look, I texted you cause I was hoping for you to come up with a reason to go back to the hotel and tell it to Alex and his family. I know they're gonna want to go out for dinner to celebrate but I want to get my painkillers first. I have some in my room, I just didn't get a chance to take them before the game." I watch his expression falter for a second and I know he'll give in with just a little nudge. "Please? I want to spend time with my friends tonight. If I'm still in pain tomorrow, I  _promise_ I'll have someone take a look at it."

Danny looks away from me, chewing on his bottom lip as he thinks it over. His gaze flits down the field and when he stares at the end zone, I know I've lost the fight. He won't let me get out of this. He's gonna drag me to the hospital and I'll spend the rest of the night pretending that I was injured during the football game and not because of my dad's hands.  _Please don't make me do that tonight, Danny._

"The only way that I'll let this go… is if you let Tatiana take a look at you when we get back to the hotel," Danny says, meeting my stare as my stomach drops. "She's a  _nurse_ , Dash. If anyone can help you, it's her."

_Fuck_. I don't want her to see me like this. I don't want  _anyone_ to see me like this. But I'm in pain and I just want to party with my teammates and forget about all the shit that's followed me all the way to Livermore. I know Danny won't let this go unless I say yes so I nod.

Danny takes a small step closer to me and when his hand drops onto my shoulder, that's all the permission I need. I lean forward again, my cheek against his stomach and he exhales out heavily, trailing his fingers down my spine.

He doesn't try to insist that I go see somebody or that I take it easy tonight. He just holds me and as much as I want to break away and fight with him about telling Tatiana, I don't. Because I just want to get this over with so I can stop thinking about dad and how he  _always_ manages to fuck things up even when he's fucking  _miles_ away.

* * *

 

I don't know how long I stay in Danny's arms but eventually, we separate and start for the parking lot together in silence. He doesn't bring up the fact that I'm walking slowly and instead chooses to fall into step beside me. And it makes my heart  _flutter_ and I don't know what that says about me.

"You took for-fucking-ever, squirt, I'm starving!" is how Anastasia chooses to greet us. Which earns her a glare from Tatiana and a grin from both Valerie and Alex.

Seeing Anastasia duck her head as Tatiana calls her down in Spanish makes me smile too. When she looks up at me, still partially listening to her mom's scolding, I stick my tongue out at her. She looks like she's itching to respond with the middle finger but we both know that wouldn't go over well.

Tatiana, satisfied with Anastasia's sort-of apology, turns to me, her smile instantly back in place. "Congratulations are in order, Dash. You did really well out there today." She holds her arms out and a sigh tumbles from me before I step into her embrace, knowing what has to happen soon.

Anastasia and Alex share a look and even Valerie's watching me carefully. The only one that isn't is Danny. He gives me a sympathetic glance before he exhales heavily, dropping his gaze to his phone as he tugs it from his pocket.

"Shoot," he mumbles, and I watch Alex shift his gaze from me to Danny.

I turn away from them, burying my face in Tatiana's shoulder as Alex asks him what's wrong. Danny says he forgot to take his anxiety medication and starts to ramble on about how skipping one day won't really hurt but it'll mess with him tomorrow. So Alex says that we're going out for dinner but we can stop by the hotel first. And I cling to Tatiana, a shiver running through me.  _I don't want to do this, Danny, please don't make me do this._

Tatiana doesn't act surprised, smoothing down my hair with a soft hum. She gently sways from side-to-side, taking me with her every movement and I don't know if she realizes how comforting it is. How much it's calming the storm inside my veins.

She pulls away from me far sooner than I want her to but I reluctantly let her go, doing my best to return the smile she's giving me. I think she can tell that I'm fragile right now cause her hand lingers on my shoulder.

"You won, squirt," Anastasia says, like I need some kind of reminder. Like my hesitancy has anything to do with the fact that my team fucking  _won._  I don't need a reminder, I need to stop being in so much fucking pain, I can't breathe.

I force a smile on my face, attempting to fold my arms over my chest before I realize how painful it is. So I give up halfway through and my arms just hang limply at my sides instead. "Y-Yeah… we did."

Alex looks miles past concerned and I wish I could tell him I'm fine. I wish I could  _lie_.

"We're so proud of you, Dash," Tatiana says, temporarily distracting me from the shit in my head. She's smiling at me and I feel everything choking me again. Like I'm about to cry.  _Shit, I really don't want to do this, Danny_. "I had Ana look up a few restaurants around the hotel to see where we could go and I think we've finally settled on something." She looks away from me, glancing between Valerie and Danny. "You two should be there. I'm sure Dash wants to celebrate with friends. Is that right,  _miel_?"

She's smiling when she looks at me with the question and though the tension is climbing higher and higher in my chest, I respond with a nod and force myself to give her a smile back.

"We're going back to the hotel first, Danny forgot something," Alex says, rolling his eyes when he realizes she's not listening – busy nodding along to something Anastasia is saying. "Ana,  _c_ _á_ _llate_. Mom, are you listening to me?"

Tatiana turns to look at him, raising an eyebrow in question and he repeats the plan to her. I slip away from the two of them and Danny's quick to follow, the two of us hanging out toward the back of the group now.

I watch Alex talk with his mom and I can't help the nervous tremor building up inside of me. I don't want to tell Tatiana anything but Danny's right. I need to get this looked at. I just really fucking hope she doesn't make me go to the hospital.

"It'll be okay," Danny whispers, sliding his hand into mine and squeezing gently to give me strength. To silently tell me that I can do this. And I want to believe him. I want to just pretend that everything's gonna be okay but I don't think it's going to be. I wish I had Danny's confidence and strength to get through this situation but fear was molded into my bones at birth and I've never really outgrown it. I'm terrified to do this and I'm terrified to  _not_ do this. I wish I was stronger than this. I wish I wasn't so scared. But if fear is the only way to get me to tell Tatiana the truth then I guess I have to fucking embrace it. Because it feels like everything's gonna change now.

* * *

 

There's a bit of a debate over who's driving but in the end, we all pile into Tatiana's car. We're technically a seat short but Anastasia and Valerie buckle into the same seat together. Which puts me squished between Danny and Valerie. Who keeps shooting me sly looks that I'm gonna have to kill her for.

The hotel is only a few minutes away from the stadium but traffic is horrendous so we end up sitting there for longer than I think I can take. With the way my anxiety is spiraling out of control inside of my gut, I don't know if I'll be able to breathe until I get this over with. Until Tatiana knows what's going on with me. I don't know if Alex has told her anything about my dad or if she suspects anything but… she'll know after tonight.

I feel like everything's moving in slow motion but it's only a few minutes until Tatiana's pulling her car to a stop in front of the hotel. She cuts the engine off and looks up at the rearview mirror, giving Danny a smile.

"Okay,  _miel_. We'll wait for you out here," she says, smiling when he nods.

Anastasia climbs out of the middle row of seats and opens the side door to let Danny out and I'm quick to follow him. Alex looks back at me with a curious expression on his face but I mumble that I want to grab a hoodie cause it's fucking cold out and I start for the hotel.

I'm distantly aware of Anastasia getting back into the car and of Danny asking Tatiana to come up with him so he can show her something and get her opinion on it. She seems a little confused at first but whatever he whispers softly gets her attention and she leaves the car.

My heart is racing as I open the door to the hotel and let it swing shut behind me. I nervously run a hand through my hair and head in the direction of the elevators. My hands are trembling nervously and I shove them to the depths of my pockets to try and stop it. I don't want Tatiana to see me like this. Fuck, she's gonna see me  _worse_ than this in a few seconds.

Danny holds the door open for Tatiana and she's quickly heading my way. From the bright smile still on her face, I know Danny hasn't told her anything. I shift my gaze from her back to the elevator, jamming my thumb against the button again.  _I don't want to do this. I can't do this. Danny, please don't make me do this._

"Everyone in the crowd was so excited about that last play," Tatiana is saying to me and I think I nod to her sentiment. Danny's hovering just behind us and I keep my stare trained downward as the three of us climb into the elevator.

Tatiana keeps up steady chatter on the ride up to our floor and I try not to let it scratch at me. To sway me from what has to happen now. From everything she'll know now. But when her talkative nature slips away and leaves us in stilted silence, I don't know how to not panic. How to stop it from tearing at the very edges of my sanity and turning me into a fucking wreck.

"Is something wrong?" Tatiana asks when my breath catches. And she puts her hand on my shoulder and makes this worse and I can't breathe right. I can't think about her knowing the truth because it's terrifying the fuck out of me. Alex knows. Anastasia knows. It only makes sense that Tatiana should know too. But I'm so fucking terrified that it'll change the way she sees me. That it'll change  _everything_.

The doors open and I all but tumble out of the elevator. Danny follows me out and his touch calms me more than Tatiana's did. He gently pushes me forward a few paces, toward his room, and his voice is low in my ear as he leans closer to me to talk.

"I'll be here with you as long as you need me to be."

I swallow hard, my every nerve ending on fire as I nod. I don't want to do this at all. I don't want Tatiana to see me like this. But having Danny here is gonna make it easier.  _God, please make this easier on me, Danny._

He steps past me to unlock his door and I hover next to him, too afraid to look back at Tatiana. Somewhere dep inside my chest, I  _know_ that her kindness outweighs my fear. I know that she would  _never_ change her opinion of me because of what I've been through. But my rational brain isn't in touch with reality right now. And I'm left floating on a bed of uncertainty and  _fear_.

Danny holds the door open for me and I step inside first. I make it past the entry way and the door to the bathroom but I collapse against the nearest wall that will support me. I've made it look casual, the way I'm standing, but Danny knows what's going on and he gives me a look as he passes by, leading Tatiana further into the room.

She closes the door behind her before she comes to where Danny's standing with me. Her gaze flits between the two of us and my throat constricts when she settles on looking at me. She tilts her head in concern, somehow knowing that this silence – this  _heaviness_ – is because of me.

" _Miel_ , what's going on?" she asks softly, reaching out to touch me.

I shy away from her hand, pushing away from the wall to keep a bit of distance between us. I keep my gaze trained down on the carpet, a million things bubbling up in the back of my throat and threatening to choke me.  _I don't want to do this. Let me off the hook, Danny. Please._

"Dash is hurt," Danny says softly.

A shaky breath tumbles from me in the silence and I slowly glance up at Tatiana again. Her eyebrows are drawn down, her gaze focused on Danny, and I feel the floor shifting underneath me.  _Please don't let this change everything. I'm begging you, please don't let this change everything._

Tatiana meets my stare and I suck in a breath so ragged, my world turns. My knees buckle and I almost lose my footing when I shuffle forward a step. Danny looks like he might try to catch me but I right myself even though I sway in place. Even though I feel like I'm about to go crashing down to the floor, I manage to keep myself upright.

"What happened?" Tatiana asks, placing her hand on my arm.

My breath sticks in my throat at her touch and I don't have any words to speak. I don't have a way to make this come out beautifully or stoic.  _My dad beats me._  It feels sharp and biting to simply say the words and I don't want it to come out that way. I don't want my words to hurt on the way out and I don't want them to fall harshly on Tatiana's ears. I don't want to deal with any part of this situation. I just want it all to go away.

"He's hurt, Tatiana. I was hoping you could take a look at him," Danny says, nudging my arm with the back of his hand. He nods toward the bed when I manage to drag my stare up to his face. When I don't move an inch from the spot I've rooted myself in, he places his hand on my back and gently pushes me toward the bed.

I stumble over my first step but my second one is steadier. I keep my fists clenched at my sides every step between where I was and where the bed is but I make it there. I make it there in one piece and I collapse onto the bed with a groan of pain and one of reluctance.  _Why did I let Danny talk me into this? Why did I text him when I left the locker room?_

Tatiana crosses over to me instantly and rather than have her ask me, I lift my shirt. My face flushes at the expression on her face when she sees the bruising and the blood and I can't meet her gaze when she looks up at me. My hands are shaking around the hem of my shirt and I almost lose my grip once or twice.

Danny crosses over to the bed too, sinking down on side of me, his hip pressed against mine, and I think he's trying to ground me in this moment. I think he's trying to remind me that I'm in a hotel room with him and Tatiana and not back with my dad. But from the way Tatiana is looking at me and my staggered breathing, I feel like I'm there again. I feel like I'm lying on my bedroom carpet as dad points a gun at me and that same fear shoots through me when I glance up at Tatiana again.

For a moment, we just stare at each other. She shakes her head, I mouth the words,  _"I'm sorry"_ but it doesn't matter. My apology means nothing and her disbelief shakes me more than I can handle. I knew telling her was a bad idea and even though she hasn't reacted badly, I can't do this. I can't sit here and let her fix me while my heart's beating out of my chest.

I drop the hem of my shirt and shake my head quickly, my nervous hands running down my face and through my hair – trying to shake this anxiety flowing through my veins. "F-Forget it. Let's just… c-can we just go get dinner?"

Danny stops me when I try to move from the bed and I drop my head into my hand, shaking all over from the nerves exploding through me. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to have Tatiana finally know the truth. Because I know when this is done – whether she patches me up or not, she'll want to know. She'll ask and the truth will come spilling from me as easily as it always does when I want someone else to fix my problems for me. Like now. Like  _always_.

"I'll… get my medical kit," Tatiana says, exhaling out a breath before she shrugs her jacket off and ditches it on the bed beside me. She gives me final glance when I look up at her before she slips out of the door and clicks it shut behind her.

I falter. I lose my sanity for a second after the door closes. But Danny puts his arm around my shoulders when the breath I drag in betrays how scared I am. How much all of this is fucking terrifying me. And Danny takes it in and he reacts like he always does, with a sense of calm to his every movement that has my own heart begging to beat in time with his. Because he's calm and I'm anything but.

"It's going to be okay," he promises, gently guiding my head to rest on his shoulder. He pulls me closer to him and runs his hand through my hair, whispering that I'm okay. That I've got this. That I'm gonna be alright.  _I'm not alright, Danny. Not even a little._

He barely reacts when I turn to him, burying my face against his neck, but his shuttered breath doesn't escape my attention. I know I'm scaring him but there's little I can do to stop it. To drag myself away from the edge of panic that's starting to claw at me.

"I-I'm scared," I whisper and Danny nods, running his hand down my back. I want to stay in his arms and match my breathing to his until I'm calm again. Until this insanity pricking at my skin leaves me the hell alone. But I'm drowning and Danny doesn't deserve to have to be my rock any longer.

Danny tries to hold my gaze when I pull away from him but I won't look at him. I won't run from this. I'm nervous.  _Terrified._ But I can't walk away from this now. Tatiana is about to know my darkest secret and I can only hope that she doesn't turn the other way.

A soft knock sounds at the door and Danny reluctantly leaves my side. He quietly walks over to the door and draws in a deep breath as he opens the door. Tatiana's waiting outside, her medical kit in hand, and she seems to steel herself before she steps inside. Before she makes her way over to me.

"Show me the wound again," she instructs and I comply with shaky movements and even shakier sanity.

Tatiana kneels on the floor in front of me and begins swabbing at the area with some kind of cleaner. I try to keep silent and she tries so hard to be gentle but I wince and her movements still. She looks up at me and I can't look away from her.

I hold her gaze even when my bottom lip trembles and even when she puts her hand on my face. Even when tears gather in my eyes and threaten to spill over. I hold her stare when I can't hold back a sniffle and when she whispers that I'm okay. That I'm  _strong_.

Somewhere during our staring contest, Danny slipped from the room and I don't know if he's coming back or not. And I think he's doing it to give me privacy and I wish I didn't need it. I wish I wasn't about to break the fuck apart because of this. Because of dad  _again_.

" _Miel_ ,  _querido_ , what happened?" Tatiana asks softly, her hands cupping my face now, and the tears gathered in my eyes spill over. She brushes them away with her thumbs and whispers softly, attempting to console me.

There's no consoling this. There's no sugarcoating it. Dad beat me.  _Beats_  me. And everyone in my life is slowly learning about it and I'm  _scared_. There's no going back from this. From admitting the harsh truths of what's been happening to me. Tatiana is kind – always has been and always will be. But I'm scared that this'll be too much.

"I-I… m-my dad… h-he can… sometimes he can… h-he was angry with me," I whisper and no sooner have the words left my mouth than Tatiana has me gathered up in her arms. She's talking softly, rocking me back and forth and I don't know how to do this without breaking apart. Without clinging to her like my life depends on it.

I'm not sobbing like I was when I told Alex. I don't let out more than a few tears and sniffles but I still feel pathetic for reacting this way. For letting dad fuck me up like this again. And even though I try to hate myself for it, Tatiana holds me gently and she never stops telling me that it's okay. That this isn't my fault. And for a moment, I let myself believe her.

* * *

 

Danny's leaning against the wall when Tatiana and I leave his room. He looks up from his phone when we step out and after glancing between us quickly, he pushes away from the wall and puts his phone away.

"Everything okay?" he asks softly but his eyes beg a different question.  _Does she know now?_

I nod to both questions and Tatiana follows me into my room, waiting with me while I take my painkillers and get a hoodie if only to avoid Alex's question. She squeezes my hand and whispers again that I'm okay and then we're back out in the hall with Danny.

Tatiana urges the two of us to the elevator, saying something about her kids going crazy without food. We follow her to the elevator, walking behind her, and Danny shoots me a look that I know is worried. I want to take his hand in mine and tell him that I'm okay but I don't have that kind of bravery in my soul right now. Not with Tatiana in front of us.

When the three of us get back to the car, Anastasia rolls her window down just to stick out her middle finger. Danny laughs out loud but Tatiana immediately starts scolding her – half of her lecture in English, the other half in Spanish.

Danny gets in the car first, sitting next to Valerie this time, and I tuck myself away on one side of the car. As soon as I'm buckled in, I turn my gaze out the window, and I try to stop thinking. To stop letting my mind go over how gentle Tatiana was with me after I admitted the truth. How her every touch felt careful now that she knew the truth.

She looked at me differently after I told her the truth. She looked at me like she had to be careful with me now. Like there was a new side to me that she'd never seen before. And I want to tell her that I'm still the same person I've always been but I don't think it'll make a difference. I think she's gonna see me as different from now on.

Alex and Tatiana keep up a steady chatter in the front seat and every now and then, Anastasia or Valerie will chime in, but Danny and I stay silent. I try to laugh at the jokes that are made or follow along with the conversation but it's too easy for me to drift off into my own head again and again.

Every now and then, the car will make a sharper turn than I anticipate and Danny ends up leaning against me. If my head wasn't so fogged up, I'd probably react more. I'd give him a smile and he'd laugh and-  _And then what? Why would he ever want me?_

No one in the car knows where they want to go for dinner and when Alex asks me where I'd like to go, I tell him I don't care. I'm good with whatever everyone else wants. And part of it's true but the main thing is, I don't want to have to decide anything. I just made a huge decision and a leap of faith by telling Tatiana the truth. And I'm still trying to figure out if I made the right call.

Anastasia and Valerie are debating something to do with a television show and everyone's distracted when Danny subtly takes my hand in his own. He meets my gaze instantly when I drag my stare away from the window, and his brows draw down in concern.

"I wish I could help you," he mouths, blinking up at me. His bottom lip disappears between his teeth and though it instantly draws my gaze to his lips, it doesn't change the general fuzziness that's hanging over me.

My heart feels surprisingly calm given the fact that Danny's holding my hand. I even get brave enough to thread our fingers together before I let out a breath.

"It's okay," I manage to whisper, keeping his stare as I shrug.

Danny squeezes my hand in his and I want to force a smile on my face for his benefit but he'd see through it in an instant. And even if he didn't, I don't want to be fake with Danny. "I know it doesn't feel like it but it'll get better, okay? I promise," he whispers, bringing our intertwined hands up to his mouth. He delicately places a kiss in between each of my knuckles and the feeling of his lips against my skin is like a momentary puncture to the fog that's been wrapped around me since we went back into the hotel.

He's staring up at me, holding my hand, gently  _kissing my fucking knuckles_  and I'm… not thinking about the shit in my life anymore. I don't think he realizes what he's doing to me and I can't do anything to stop him. I watch his lips press against my skin and I do everything within my power to memorize the feeling.

I'm grateful for the darkness of the car as I hold his gaze cause I'm sure my face is a nice shade of ' _did-you-just-fucking-kiss-me?'._  God, Danny, why can't you  _actually_  kiss me?

The car shutters to a stop and Tatiana announces that we're eating here since no one can make a decision, effectively ending the moment between Danny and I. He hesitantly lets go of my hand and I miss the warmth of his instantly. His gaze lingers on me and I have to actually force myself to look away from him, trying to clear some of the incredibly  _gay_ undertones to what the hell just happened.

I flick my gaze up front, mainly to see what restaurant Tatiana picked, but something else catches my eye. Alex is staring into the rearview mirror and he meets my gaze in a second. His eyebrows are high on his forehead and I know my face floods with heat. Fuck, he probably saw the entire exchange with Danny. Probably saw the kisses Danny gave me and- Shit, part of me  _hopes_ he saw it. Cause I need someone other than Valerie and Kwan to know that Danny's the only one I want those kisses from. I need someone else to know that when things are fucked up, Danny brings me back.

* * *

 

The restaurant is busy when we step inside and the sudden noise picks at me. It leaves me raw and on edge. And I don't know how to soothe my chapped skin when there's nothing actually wrong with me. It's just… so much has happened since the game ended. And in some ways, I wish I could take it all back.

Alex puts his hand on my back and I start a little at the contact. When I drag my stare up to his, I realize that everyone has already left the lobby. They've all been led back to the table and I'm still standing here, too lost in my own thoughts to make a move.

"You okay?" Alex asks softy, frowning despite my nod. I know he doesn't believe me and I  _know_ he's not an idiot. But my nerves are stretched too tightly and my sanity too fried to have a conversation about this. To let him know that I'm anything other than okay.

I nod toward the main area of the restaurant. "Yeah, I'm good. Just hungry."

Alex hesitates for a moment beside me before he exhales out a breath and gently pushes me forward. "Come on, then. Before Anastasia orders us the weirdest things she can find on the menu," he says, a hint of amusement to his tone – like she's done that to him before.

The waitress that takes our drink orders and passes out menus is nice. She's talkative and friendly and I wish I could get out more than two words to her but I barely manage to order a drink without my voice trembling. Both Alex and Valerie look at me when I stammer and I hate it. Tatiana catches my eye before I manage to look away and I hate that too. I hate everyone knowing that I'm fucked right now. That I'm not okay. My team just won the fucking  _championship_ game. I should be okay. I should be  _fine_.

I drop my gaze down to the menu and I try to read over the options but nothing makes any sense and the words are jumbling up in front of me. I don't know if I even want to eat anymore. I don't feel hungry. I don't feel much of anything.

"What looks good to you?" Danny asks, leaning his shoulder against mine as he drops his menu on top of mine. He props his elbow up onto the table, resting his chin on his fist. "I like the idea of this," he says, using his index finger to tap a photo of some chicken gravy looking thing. "But there's also this stir-fry option too."

He barely glances at me before he flips a page in the menu. "Any idea what you want?"

I know he's trying to distract me and I'm trying really fucking hard to let him but everything's hard when I'm barely here in this moment. I want to be. I want to order food or think about the game and feel really fucking happy instead of this… fog. This  _shame_. Because now everyone at this table knows the truth.

"Uhh…"

Danny looks at me suddenly, one corner of his mouth tucked upward. "If you default to a burger, I'll have to kick your ass, you know that, right?" He's grinning as he asks the question and the sight on him makes a fraction of the tension ease from my shoulders.

I respond with a smirk that doesn't feel entirely forced, leaning my elbow onto the table to mirror his position. "Yeah? Just what are you gonna do if I order the best burger on this menu? How are you gonna kick a quarterback's ass?"

He gives me a grin, rolling his eyes. "What – just cause you're stronger automatically means you'll win?" he asks, tsking softly when I respond with a grin. "That's the mistake you're making, Dash. I say 'kick your ass' and you assume I mean physically. I'll have you know that I can wipe the floor with you in any video game."

I snort, rolling my eyes as I cross my arms over my chest. "Yeah, right. I don't live under a rock, y'know? I probably play just as many video games as you do."

"Doubt it," he responds, leaning forward in his chair with a teasing sort of smile. "You forget… I spend ninety percent of my time at my house. I have  _plenty_  of time to master the lost art of kicking someone's ass in a video game."

Even though the smirk is still on my face and I feel like responding with a teasing jibe, my stare drifts down to the menu and that fog scratches at my brain again. Why can't I just let Danny's smile and his teasing take me far away from the shame coursing through my veins like my own blood? Why does everyone knowing my shit have to  _matter_?

"Kwan texted me earlier, by the way," Danny says, leaning his shoulder against mine as he flips a page in the menu. I turn toward him a little, trying to listen to what he's saying despite this anxiety or fog – or  _whatever_ –scratching at me. He frowns, chewing on his lower lip. "I kinda like the idea of the Shepherd's pie but I don't know. My dad makes great Shepherd's pie so… I've been spoiled by his."

I scratch at the stubble on the underside of my chin, my fingers catching and tripping over a few stubborn patches I must've missed when I shaved yesterday. After a few seconds of silence, I push out a breath and his words click in my brain. "What'd… Kwan text you for?"

Danny frowns as he flips the menu again, back to the first page, and exhales out before he looks at me. He hesitates a second before leaning his elbow on the table again. "He's worried about you."

I look away from him at that, trying to focus on keeping myself from just leaning forward and falling asleep on the table. Cause I'm exhausted from the game and I'm in pain and I'm so  _tired_ of having to hold myself up like this. Like I'm okay. Like I'm not about to fucking break from the weight of everyone  _knowing_.

"There's a party in Dale's room later… Kwan wanted to make sure that I drag you there," Danny says, a certain insistent tone to his voice. "I hope you know that I plan on seeing that through s-so… that's your only warning."

He looks away from me, focusing on the menu again and I manage to push back against the weight for just a moment. And in that moment, I feel some of that bravery from earlier eek out again. I stare at him, not giving a shit that he can probably tell I'm watching him. Memorizing the way his fingers trail down the list of items on the menu, or the way his brows draw down as he reads.

"Do I even have a choice?" I ask and he shakes his head before looking back at me.

Danny gives me a smile. "Sorry, but no. You're gonna eat something, too. Drinking on an empty stomach's a really bad idea so… pick something," he instructs, shoving the menu toward me. "Or I'll pick for you."

A shiver runs down my spine at the challenging tone to his voice and this time, I don't have to force the smile tugging at my lips. I drop my gaze to the menu but my mind isn't on the options.  _Okay, Fenton. At this point, I'd follow you anywhere._

* * *

 

The ride back to the hotel isn't nearly as quiet as the ride over to the restaurant and I think my painkillers have finally kicked in. This time, I'm able to join in with the conversation Alex and Anastasia are having but I'm also incredibly aware of how close Danny and I are sitting now. It felt like there was more distance between us on the ride over here but I think I didn't notice earlier because of the pain. And the fact that I couldn't drag myself out of my head for more than a fucking second.

There's mention of sight-seeing for a while but we end up back at the hotel instead. And as soon as we're in the lobby, Danny excuses the two of us from the others. He grabs my wrist to tug me behind him to the elevator and I follow after him with a stumble in my footing. The butterflies are back in my gut with every touch Danny gives me and I don't know if I'd rather have whatever the hell was clawing at me back in the restaurant instead.

"You feeling any better?" Danny asks once we're safely inside the elevator.

I let out a quiet breath, leaning back against the wall. I turn my stare to the ceiling, chewing on the inside of my cheek as I think it over. I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell someone the truth about dad without feeling my chest constrict and the breath catch in my throat. But for now, I'm okay. "Yeah, I think I am."

"Good." Danny nudges my shoulder with his own, giving me a smile when I turn to look at him. "If you don't want to stick around for a long time, you don't have to. But at least see Kwan cause he sounds really worried about you."

At this point, I think Kwan will always be worried about me. And he's got his own shit to deal with. It really isn't fair of me to pile mine on him too just cause of the same old shit. Dad fucks me up sometimes. Why do I have to make a big deal out of it?

"Yeah, I will," I mumble, running a hand down my face.

Danny leans against me, giving the butterflies a little nudge upward – sending them up to the back of my throat. "You know… it's okay if you want to talk about this. About your dad or however Tatiana reacted to it… I'm here for you. You know that, right?" he practically whispers.

My eyes fall closed and exhale out. It should really be easy to talk about this shit with Danny. Cause he knows all about my dad and he saw me at the hospital and he hasn't run away once. But  _fuck_ , it's Danny. And I don't know want him to spend the night worried about me. And I'm so fucking  _done_ with letting dad fuck with me again. He's taken so much from me in the past. I'm not letting him take tonight.

I open my eyes and flick my stare toward Danny with a smile, shaking my head. "Nah. Let's just go get really drunk with my teammates and hate ourselves in the morning for the hangover."

Danny beams at me, quickly nodding as the doors part. A couple people are waiting to get on the elevator and we skirt past them, headed for my teammates room. I can already hear the music thumping from outside the door and it lets me know just how crazy this party's gonna be before the night's up. And I relax into the thought that no one's gonna pay me any attention.

"You ready?" I ask, turning to glance at Danny. He eagerly nods and I rap my knuckles against the door, willing myself to give a mental middle finger to anything that tries to fuck with me right now. Tonight, my shit better leave me the fuck alone and let me enjoy celebrating with my teammates. And it better leave me alone as I spend time with a boy so perfect, I don't know how I still have the privilege to hang around him.

* * *

 

Dale's parents rented out one of the biggest rooms available in the hotel for him - as he loudly informs both Danny and I as soon as we walk in the door. He's got one arm slung around Mitch, his other hand clutched tightly around a beer.

Mitch's face is bright red as Dale leans over to plant a sloppy kiss on his cheek and he hurriedly tries to explain to Danny and me that Dale's way too drunk to know what he's doing. I guess the expression on my face shows off just how shocked I am cause Danny nudges me, giving me a look when I tear my gaze away from my teammates.

"-been drinking since the game ended. Y-You can't really trust anything he's saying, he's just-"

Dale cuts Mitch off by covering his mouth with one hand. He's swaying in place and clearly drunk off his ass but that doesn't stop him. He slides his arm from around Mitch and turns back to the party, cupping one hand around his mouth to amplify his sound.

"We just won the fucking championship game!" he yells at the top of his lungs and everyone in the room cheers back, thrusting their hands into the air – alcohol sloshing from raised beer cans and red solo cups.

The sound and the sight of my teammates cheering obnoxiously raises goosebumps on my skin and a stuttering laugh leaves me. We really did it. Casper High actually  _won_ the trophy this year. The feeling that swells inside my chest every time I think about it is dizzying. Like I've taken a hit off life and I  _never_ want to come down from this high.

In the midst of all the cheering, Dale yells out over everyone, his voice ringing through the room.

"And if anyone's got a problem with me kissing my boyfriend, you can fucking fight me! Cause I'm a  _champion_  tonight!" he roars, pumping his beer can into the air, the liquid inside sloshing down his arm and falling to the carpet.

He turns his back to the crowd that's still cheering and drags Mitch into a kiss that I'm pretty sure shocks me more than it should. I don't think I expected this. I've known Kwan's gay – I've always known that. But my other teammates? I never thought any of them looked at guys the way I do. Or… at least, the way I look at Danny.

Mitch relaxes into the kiss just a little before he pulls away, pushing Dale backward, toward the party. His hands ball into fists at his sides and he stumbles back a pace. "Dale… you're drunk," he whispers, shaking his head before he turns for the door.

Danny casts a glance my way before he turns for my teammate, calling his name before he can get to the door. I turn to watch the two of them for a moment, until Danny drags Mitch further away from the crowd. Everyone here is probably too drunk to realize what the hell just happened cause the music keeps pumping throughout the room and everyone keeps cheering and dancing – or more accurately,  _stumbling_  – along to the music. They're all oblivious to what happened and even Dale manages to slip into the crowd, his mind clearly too fogged with alcohol to think about going after Mitch.

I glance over my shoulder where Mitch and Danny are but I don't see a point in going over to them. Danny's been out since sophomore year so it makes sense for him to be the one to talk about this with Mitch. I don't think he'd want any advice from me. Someone so fucking deep in the closet, I think I nailed the door shut.

* * *

 

By ten-thirty, almost everyone in the room is raging drunk and though I sipped at a beer when I first got here, I find myself ditching it for a Dr. Pepper about an hour later. I want to take part in this kind of party – the one where we celebrate like the fucking champions we are – but I think I want to remember what this night feels like more.

I wander through the room, watching everyone dancing and partying, and I try not to let the feelings from earlier seep back in. I need to do something with my hands so I text Valerie to invite her to the party. But she turns down the offer, saying that she doesn't want to drive home with a hangover, and I can't help but feel a little more alone.

Across the room, I can see Kwan standing with Jeff, both grinning and talking animatedly. I smile when I see them and I give a little wave in Kwan's direction when he takes notice of me. For a second, he looks like he wants to abandon Jeff to check on me but I shoot him a thumbs up and move away before he can come to me.

I glance around the party again, wondering if I should call it a night and head back to my room, when my phone vibrates softly in my pocket. I spare a final look where Danny's sitting with Mitch and I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. Mitch is laughing at whatever they're talking about and Danny's gesturing wildly with one hand, a wicked grin on his face as he talks.

Danny looks comfortable sitting with my teammate and it's nice to see him interacting with someone other than me or Kwan. I remember when his sister asked me to make sure to drag him out of the house more often and I intend to keep that promise. And it's really fucking easy to when he's smiling the way he is.

Paulina looks up when I pass by one of the kegs sitting on a table near the doors to the balcony. She gives me a smile but she seems to understand that I'm comfortable by myself right now cause she doesn't follow after me when I step out onto the balcony, pushing the doors closed behind me.

Even though I can still hear the general pumping of the music, it gives way to the noise of the traffic below me and I take it in with a big inhale of oxygen. God, you don't hear the world like this in Amity Park. Everything's way too quiet there.

I stumble over to the railing, leaning my elbows on it as I nurse the last of my Dr. Pepper. I feel every crack of my upper back as I stretch my arms over my head, staring down at the city below me. Who knew Livermore could actually be this interesting?

The fog or nerves or whatever that was settled over me earlier is long gone now and I find myself smiling at the cars zipping past on the road below. Everyone's got a place to be and I'm just another person in the city tonight. Right now, I'm not the fucked-up quarterback from Amity Park, or the kid whose dad beats the shit out of him. I'm not even the kid that was abandoned by his own mom. I'm just another person in the city and that single thought is more freeing than any comfort anyone's tried to give me before.

* * *

 

I don't know how long I watch the city in silence, leaning against the railing, but the chill has reached me at this point. I've been distracted, texting Valerie off and on for a while, and I only realize I'm shivering when the door opens behind me and I get a blast of warm air.

Kwan shuffles out onto the balcony, pushing the door closed behind him and offers up a smile. His movements get less hesitant when I return the expression and he crosses over to me.

"Hey, missed you inside," he says, folding his arms on top of the railing and staring down at the city too. There's a quiet sort of peace between us and I let my gaze drift over the traffic again. He leans his shoulder against mine and gives me a look. "Dash, you're freezing." His look quickly turns concerned when I only respond with a shrug. "How long have you been out here?"

"Don't know. Lost track of time, really." I lean my forearms against the railing, letting out a breath that I realize hangs in the air. I guess it's a lot colder out here than I thought. When I stepped outside, I was still so warm from the party, I barely noticed the chill of the night.

Kwan pushes out a breath. "Maybe we should go back inside…? You could really use the warmth," he says, that concern still etched into his features.

"Nah," I respond, willing my teeth not to chatter as I close my eyes to the wind. It's nice out here. I don't really want to go back inside and face my drunk, idiot teammates. And for once, I don't want to be one of those drunk idiots. I'm just basking in the knowledge that we did it. Our team won a fucking championshipgame.

Kwan drags in a breath when I turn to look at him and from the way he's chewing on his bottom lip, I know he's wondering if I'm bullshitting being okay. I'm really not this time. Everything feels a million times better than it usually does. Maybe that has to do with how much time I've spent with Danny today and maybe it's because things just feel better tonight. I'll take it either way – cause this feels so much better than lying on my bed and wishing that I wasn't hurting.

"I saw Alex and his family at the game. Valerie too," Kwan says, offering up a hesitant smile when I glance at him. "It was cool of them to come support you."

That's the unspoken, 'since your parents suck and won't come see you play.' Which is kind of true. But I didn't even invite them cause I think part of me didn't want either of them here. Mom with her half-truths and dad with his bruises… they can both fuck off for the night.

"Yeah, it was," I say, stretching my arms over my head with a yawn. I don't know what time it is but I think I'm just about ready to go back to our room and pass the fuck out. But seeing the look on Kwan's face makes me hesitate on mentioning it. "What is it?"

Kwan meets my gaze for a second before he returns to chewing on his lip, shaking his head. He looks out toward the city again, letting out a breath that hangs in the air. "Um…" He rubs the back of his neck, stealing a glance my way. "I-I'm sorry… Valerie… kind of knows about your mom."

He blanches at the look on my face. "S-Sorry, I didn't mean to say anything. I just started talking to her about stuff and then we got onto the topic of you and I said a few things I didn't mean to and then she wanted context and I tried to tell her that it'd be better coming from you but you know how she is sometimes. And I tried to tell her no but she-"

"It's fine," I respond, leaning over to gently punch him on the shoulder. "Relax, okay? You look like you think I'm about to throw you over the balcony or something." I roll my eyes when the look on his face only becomes mildly less concerned. " _Relax_. She already told me that she knows."

Kwan lets out a soft breath, looking away from me. I grab his wrist and give him a little tug before I settle down next to the railing. "Come here, we should probably talk about all this shit."

He hesitates only a second longer before he follows me, choosing to hug his knees close to his chest as we both stare out at what we can still see of the city. Even without standing up to get the full picture, the city is beautiful. So much more  _alive_  than Amity Park.

"I really am… sorry," Kwan says, burying his face in his arms. "I know this isn't easy for you to talk about and I really  _didn't_  mean to tell Valerie. It just kinda slipped out."

I shrug, flicking my gaze from the city to watch my best friend. He has no idea what I did today. He doesn't know that I took a blind leap of faith and told Tatiana what's been happing to me. And the thought of her knowing fuels something in my bones akin to courage and I desperately feed off of it for this moment. "It's cool, seriously. Honestly, it's about time more people know about this shit."

Kwan gives me a funny look when he glances my way and he gently nudges my shoulder with his. "Who are you and what have you done with Dash?"

I laugh at that – I  _really_ laugh. Cause it's funny. Cause it's  _true_. I don't tell anyone when shit's bad cause I don't know how. I don't know when the right moment to reach out is and I've gotten so used to bottling everything up that I don't know how to stop it. But sooner rather than later, everyone will know about my shit. And I'm just gonna have to find a way to deal with that.

"I don't know man, I just get tired of lying about all of this." I shrug when Kwan raises an eyebrow and though it makes my stomach clench, my hands shake, I say it. "I kinda… told Tatiana tonight. About dad."

Kwan's eyebrows slowly rise higher and he shakes his head without making a sound. I nod in response, not entirely sure what to say. I don't know if there's anything  _to_  say. It's been a crazy few hours since the game ended but I don't think I regret any of it now. I no longer want to take back the moment when I finally spilled the truth to Tatiana. I don't regret letting her into my world this way because it's a good thing. I want her to know the truth so that she'll know  _me_. I don't know how to tell Kwan everything in my heart but he's my best friend. And I want him to know about all of this.

I don't get a chance to tell Kwan what's running through my mind before the door opens behind us and someone slips outside.

We both turn to look as Keith steps out onto the balcony. He gives us both a surprised look, like he didn't expect anyone to be out here, before closing the door behind him. "Am I interrupting something?" he asks softly and I beat Kwan to the response.

"Nah, come join us," I say and he immediately smiles, crossing over to sit next to Kwan.

Keith settles down easily, letting out a breath. He rubs at his temples, a small laugh leaving him as he glances at us. "I think I drank too much. Some of what Blake said was starting to make sense."

"That's always a dangerous sign," I respond, leaning back on my hands and turning my face up to the sky. Fuck, despite it being so cold out here, I love it. I don't feel any of that lingering sadness or tension that's been clawing at me since the game ended. And I fucking love it. I feel  _alive_.

Keith clears his throat and I turn my head just far enough to see him. He looks between me and Kwan before he settles on me, one eyebrow arching on his forehead. "You… feeling any better? Kwan was really worried about you."

I glance at Kwan, who's gone almost completely red in the face as he glares at Keith. "Hey, shut up! I told you not to mention it!"

Keith raises his hands in defense but a small smile is tugging at his expression. After a few seconds pass between them, Keith looks my way again, his expression shifting back into that concerned stare. "Seriously though… are you okay?"

I'm more than okay. I feel like I've chilled the fuck out since the game, the painkillers have kicked in, and what Coach told me is finally hitting me too. He honestly thinks I'm gonna have other offers from colleges. He thinks I'm good enough for all of these opportunities. And I can only hope that tonight, I proved to him how badly I want it.

"Yeah, I'm good," I respond, turning my stare to the sky again. I watch the stars twinkling overhead and wonder what Danny would say about them. Which constellations they are or how many billion light-years away they are.

The quiet atmosphere that's settled over my heart dares me to be a little more honest and I push out a breath, wondering if my expression looks as serene as I feel.

"I didn't get a chance to take any painkillers before the game. And my rib's still kinda fucked up," I brazenly admit, chancing a look at my teammates before I shrug. "I'm good now, I promise."

Keith's mouth is hanging open and he quickly snaps it shut. "Dash, what the hell were you thinking?" he asks, his voice barely more than a whisper but I can hear the concern in his tone. "You should have told us before the game."

"What would you have done?" I ask, leaning back on my hands again as a laugh tumbles from me. "There was no way I was missing out on this game, Keith. Not with how hard we've all fought for it."

Keith starts to argue but Kwan nudges him in the side and they share a look before Keith shuts up. He lets out a heavy sigh and looks away from me as Kwan glances my way.

He nudges me gently with his shoulder, frowning a little. "You probably should have told someone," he says softly and I shrug. It doesn't matter now. I'm okay. There's a little bit of lingering pain in my rib but overall, I'm okay. I'm more than okay.

"Probably," is what I say in response, despite the way my head is filled up with everything else I could talk about. The scholarship opportunities. How seeing Alex and his family after the game made the pain easier to deal with. About opening up to Tatiana.

Keith clears his throat quietly and he hesitates a second before meeting my gaze. "Was that… all that was bothering you after the game?" He nods toward the party still going on behind us. "You seemed out of it in there."

I lean forward just a little, using one hand to support myself and rub the back of my neck with my other hand. "Yeah, I'm good," I mumble, wondering how much bravery is still left in my soul at this point. When I steal a glance at Keith, the words tumble from me anyway. "I think… I think I have some kind of… anxiety? A-At least, that's what Danny thinks anyway."

I haven't really given this whole thing more than few passing thoughts since Danny mentioned it but at this point, with the way he describes it and the way that I feel, I'd be surprised if that's not what's been fucking with me since I was a kid. Unless of course, I'm just making a big fucking deal out of nothing.

Kwan lets out a soft breath, turning toward me, but it's Keith who speaks first.

"I struggle with anxiety occasionally," he softly admits, offering up a shrug when we both turn to look at him. He averts his gaze after a few seconds, scratching at the underside of his chin. "It… started after Lily got sick. I just… kept having panic attacks at school, wondering if she'd still be alive when I got home."

A second of hesitation passes before Kwan curls an arm around Keith's shoulders. Our teammate looks surprised at the touch but he practically melts into it, letting out a heavy breath and leaning against Kwan just a little.

"She's getting bad again and the doctors are trying everything they can but she needs a new set of lungs and-" He breaks off mid-sentence to swipe at his eyes, heaving out a breath. "Sorry, this isn't about me. I just meant… a-anxiety happens, Dash. It's not your fault." He turns to look at me, offering up a smile that seems almost broken from the lines around his eyes and the way that Kwan's still got an arm curled protectively around his shoulders.

I nod, turning my gaze to the sky again, fidgeting with the words inside of myself. I don't know what to say but I don't want him to think there's anything wrong with dragging his own shit into the light. The things he faces are worse than what I do and I can't fault him for wanting to talk about it with someone. "You don't have to apologize, though. If you want to talk about Lily, we're listening."

Kwan nudges Keith gently after a minute of silence passes between the three of us but he pulls away from Kwan's touch, letting out a low breath as he runs a hand down his face. A loud sniffle breaks up the pretense that he's doing okay but he somehow manages to tuck that pain back inside.

"No, I don't want to. Not tonight." He gives the both of us a smile that feels more genuine than forced and I know Kwan matches the expression the same way I do.

The door opens behind us again and the three of us turn to look this time. Danny pauses the way Keith did, hovering halfway between stepping outside and retreating back inside. For a second, he just looks between the three of us before he steps out fully, pulling the door shut behind him.

"Hey," he says softly, a blanket thrown across one arm and a Dr. Pepper in his other hand. He shuffles closer to me when Kwan scoots over and offers up the blanket. "I thought you might be cold." He drapes it around my shoulders and I don't miss the goo-goo eyes that Kwan shoots my way.

I mumble my thanks and Kwan pipes up, offering for him to join us. Danny settles down next to me and hands me the can of soda. Which only makes Kwan give me another look. Yeah, he knows my favorite drink, so what? It doesn't mean  _anything_.

Now that Danny's sitting next to me, his warm arm against my cold one - even through the blanket – that daring, bravery from earlier feels like it has crawled out of my ass and jumped over the edge of the balcony. I can't be brave next to Danny. At least, not while I'm thinking about kissing him.

"So," Danny says softly, drawing his knees up to his chest with a heavy sigh. He keeps his gaze on the city as he chews on his bottom lip, driving me absolutely fucking  _nuts_. "What's the topic of conversation? Anything interesting?"

He glances toward Kwan at the question and Kwan shrugs, the look on his face clearly a badly controlled giddiness. I swear to fuck, if he embarrasses me, I'll have to skin him.

"We were just… talking," I mumble, shrugging when Danny looks at me. I can never focus when he's watching me. When his gaze is taking in my every movement, I tend to freeze. Cause I'm so fucking terrified that a simple exhale will tell him everything. That it'll let him know how badly I want him.

Danny leans back on his hands, staring up at the sky over head. He recognizes one of the constellations, I can tell from the excited look on his face, and a peaceful expression stays on his face as he lets out a breath.

He turns to me, maybe to say something about the stars overhead, but he's interrupted by an obnoxious ringtone. For a split second, I think it's his mom calling him again and I instinctively tense, hating the idea of her fucking with his mood again. But it's Kwan who's digging his phone from his pocket and he frowns at the screen as soon as he sees it.

"Shit," he mumbles, silencing the call but not making a move to put the phone away or ignore the call. His throat moves as he swallows hard and with a shaky breath, he looks at me. "That's… Jared's number."

The name doesn't click at first but when it does, my whole body tenses up and Danny notices. He watches me in silence and I watch Kwan, hesitating a second before I hold my hand out for his phone.

"Let me answer," I say, continuing even when Kwan shakes his head. "Trust me, he'll never bother you again if I'm the one who answers."

Kwan runs his hand down his face, a quiet "fuck" tumbling from him in the silence. He won't look at any of us and I let my hand drop into my lap again. God, why does Jared have to be such an asshole and fuck with him tonight? Of all the nights he could be calling him, why does it have to be this one?

"He was supposed to come today," Kwan mumbles, still refusing to look at me as he shakes his head again. "We talked about it before… everything. He… said he wanted to go. He was excited to see me play."

Danny spares me a glance, and I can only imagine what my expression is, before he scoots closer to Kwan. They're both silent but Danny slides his hand into Kwan's and squeezes. The exhale Kwan lets out is shaky and betrays just how fucked he is right now.

"This isn't… the first time," Kwan mumbles.

Danny hesitates a second before he squeezes Kwan's hand again, leaning closer to him as he talks. "That he's called?" he asks, letting out a breath when Kwan nods. "Have you taken his call before tonight?"

Kwan nods, hanging his head just a little and Danny slides his arm around Kwan's shoulders, holding him gently. "It's okay, I know the feeling. It's hard to walk away from someone that used to be so important to you. Even if you know it's the right thing to do, it's still hard."

Danny hesitates a second before he glances my way and I can't help but feel like what he was saying is meant for me too. I might not have an ex I'm running from but from the look on his face, I'm guessing he's thinking of my dad. Which is completely un-fucking-fair.

Kwan's phone rings again and startles the two of us out of silence. I tear my gaze away from Danny just as my best friend lets out a noise that sounds like he's strangling. Like he's drowning right in front of me and there's nothing I can do.

"I hate this," Kwan's saying, his hand shaking as he passes his phone off to Danny. "Please, I-I can't."

Danny quickly takes the phone and hits ignore on the call, exhaling out before he takes Kwan's hand again. "Yes, you can. It's hard, Kwan. It's really,  _really_ hard. But you can do it. Because you know that he's not good for you," he says and when Kwan shakes his head again, Danny sighs. "Let me guess. He calls you when he's drunk, doesn't he?"

He only waits until Kwan nods and then he's talking again. "You're better than that. You  _know_ you're better than that. But you're afraid of walking away from this because you think it might get better. And I  _get_ that, I promise, I do. But you have to learn that every time you let him back in, you're just gonna have to kick him out again."

I fucking love the fact that Danny's here tonight. If it was just me with Kwan, I wouldn't be getting through to him like this. But I can see the minimal shifts in my best friend's expression and I know he's hearing Danny. I know that he's  _listening_. Which is a hell of a lot better state than I'd be able to get him to.

"Kwan, I had to learn all of this too. It was hard for me to leave my ex behind. To stop accepting his phone calls, to ignore him when I saw him at clubs we used to go to together. But it was the right thing to do. Because he wasn't right for me and even though it sucked – even though it hurt – I had to accept that it was the way things needed to be," Danny says, nudging his shoulder against Kwan's.

Even though everything Danny's saying is enough to draw a smile on my best friend's face – even though he's making Kwan feel better – I still feel the need to add something. He's my best friend, I should be able to say something to him and have it matter. Have it be as meaningful to him as Danny's words have been.

"Fuck him," is what comes out and I feel my face flush when everyone looks at me.

Danny smiles, shaking his head. "I'm pretty sure that's the last thing he needs to do."

Kwan laughs then, a real laugh that shakes his shoulders and makes his eyes squeeze closed. He laughs harder as he nods, opening his eyes again to look at me. "Danny's right. Fucking Jared is the  _last_ thing I need to do. It would kind of blow a hole right through his pep talk," he says, shifting his gaze to Danny's with a soft smile on his face. "Thanks for saying all of that. I appreciate it."

Danny beams and he nudges Kwan's shoulder with his own. "Don't mention it. If someone had been through a break-up like mine and had given me any advice when I was going through it, it would have really helped me out. So… I figure I owe it to myself to help someone else instead."

Keith starts to say something, a grin on his face as he talks, but Kwan's phone rings again and a silence descends between all of us. For a few seconds, no one moves – no one  _breathes_ in the quiet. But Danny disturbs it when he lets out a breath and he holds out the phone to Kwan. "You can do this," he quietly urges and Kwan nods, swallowing hard.

There's a few seconds of the obnoxious ringing before Kwan hits ignore on the call and lets out a heavy breath. He switches off the ringer and sets his phone face down on the floor of the balcony. He groans softly and drops his head into his hands.

"This sucks," he mumbles.

Danny acknowledges it with a quiet nod, patting him on the back as he scoots a little closer to him. "Yeah, it does. But it won't always." He chews on his bottom lip for a second before he lets out a quiet breath. "Want a piece of advice?"

Kwan lifts his head from his hands and weakly nods.

"Don't try to jump into another relationship. Take my approach if you want to – I'm not going to date again until college. And even then, I'll only go out with someone if he's  _really_ interesting. I'm not planning on dating just to date for a long time."

Kwan's eyebrows rise on his forehead and he looks past Danny, to see me. I can only imagine what my expression is. Danny's not dating again until college?  _No, Danny, you're not supposed to give up on dating yet. I haven't had the chance to tell you that I really fucking like you_.

"Yeah?" Kwan asks, his voice quiet on the question.

Danny nods, his eyes falling closed. He drops his arm from Kwan and leans back on his hands, his face still upturned toward the sky and I wonder what's running through his mind. It sounds like he's had a rocky history with his ex, so on some level, I get it. And I know Amity Park's a dead town but god,  _I'm_  in Amity Park and so is he and if I could just find the words, we could make this work.

"I'm just… done trying to make things work right now," he explains with a shrug, unknowingly driving the stake further in my open wound. He blinks his eyes open, staring up at the constellations above us again. "I don't know. I think I'm gonna try to focus on finishing high school before dating becomes part of the equation again."

Kwan tries to continue looking concerned but he's taken on a curious expression. "And you think I should take that approach with you? What, so we can have each other as some sort of dating sponsor when we wanna go crawling back to our exes?"

Danny laughs, shaking his head as he glances at Kwan. "No, that's not what I meant. You don't even have to do this if you're not interested. I was just saying, it might be helpful." He flicks his gaze to the sky again and exhales out. "Truth is, I don't know if I'm even doing this. I haven't officially decided yet but… ugh. Dating's really hard already but when you add being gay into the mix? It's horrible. The dating pool gets so much smaller and you have to deal with homophobic assholes and it's just not worth it, y'know? Honestly, I'm just hoping to get through my senior year alive."

He lets out a short humorless laugh and Kwan gives a quiet 'huh' in the silence.

Kwan seems to consider his logic for a few seconds before he leans back on his hands, staring up at the same sky Danny's fixated on. It falls silent between the four of us and stays that way until Kwan breaks it with a few quiet words. "You know, you make a lot of sense, Danny. Maybe I will join you."

Danny turns back to him, nodding earnestly and I feel a tiny knife wedging its way between my ribcages and piercing through my heart. If Danny's done dating until he's in college, my chance is almost completely gone. The odds of the two of us winding up at the same college isn't likely. And I'm not the kind of person he'd break this pact for.

That calm peace I had earlier is completely shattered now and I look away from Danny, wishing that he'd brought me alcohol instead of this Dr. Pepper.

"It's just been on my mind more and more lately. And it's like… it's hard, y'know? I have college stuff to worry about and my parents to deal with and… adding someone else into the mix is just asking for a headache and a lot of drama. Not to mention, it wouldn't be fair of me to bring someone else into my world right now," Danny says, pushing out a breath.

Fuck,  _drag_ me into your world, Danny. Take me, please, I'm yours. You can tell me all about your family and the things you're facing and I'll be there. I promise I'll be there.  _Fuck, Danny, please let me be there for you._

Before I have the chance to wrestle my splintered heart back into some kind of remotely okay state, Keith speaks. I wanted to be the one to ask Danny what exactly drove him to this point but Keith beats me to it.

"So you're just gonna give up until college? What if… the person that you're supposed to be with shows up before then? Are you just gonna turn him away cause you've made a promise with yourself?" Keith asks and I don't think I'm the only one surprised by the insistence in his tone.  _Oh, Keith, please don't tell me you're my competition. I like you a lot and you're one hell of a teammate but I will fight you for Danny._

Danny shrugs, sitting forward to drop his hands into his lap. "The odds of me finding any kind of 'soulmate' is pretty slim. Especially in our town," he says, exhaling out. "But if by some chance, I meet someone in these next few months that I want to date and see where it goes, I guess I'll just have to decide then. But more likely than not, I'll still wait until I'm in college."

Keith's face reddens and he puffs out a breath, shaking his head as he looks away from Danny. He seems to consider Danny's words for a few seconds before he looks back at him. "Okay, that's fine. But don't you think you're closing yourself off a little early? I mean, what difference does a few months make?"

" _Exactly_ ," Danny responds, oblivious to Keith's growing irritation. "If I find someone I'm absolutely  _meant_  to be with, he'll still be there when I'm in college."

Kwan's not oblivious to our teammates plunging mood, and he nods to Danny, interjecting his own thoughts before Keith can explode. "Yeah, I get what you're saying. Honestly, it sounds kind of smart. And I… think I might actually give it a try. After everything that happened with Jared, I don't really want to get involved with anyone before I go away to college, either."

Danny nods sympathetically. "Yeah. Cause then you'd end up at a different college from him and you'd try to make long distance work but it so rarely does and it's just not worth it." Danny notices the glare he's getting from Keith and he delicately arches an eyebrow in question. "What?"

Keith chews on his thumbnail, frustration clear in his expression. "I'm just saying. If the guy you're supposed to be with were to suddenly show up in your life, wanting to date you, you'd send him away just cause you're not in college?"

Danny shrugs. "I don't know. Guess it'd depend on the guy to be honest." He turns his gaze to the sky again and Keith seems to give up. He looks almost like he's sulking, and I pray to any deity that's listening that he's not interested in Danny. Cause if he is, I don't know what the fuck I'd do. He's probably way better of a match for him. I imagine he'd listen to Danny talk about constellations and actually understand what he means. Meanwhile, I'm just a fucked-up quarterback that panics when I have to tell someone the truth about my dad.

Silence settles over our group and I really wish the soda I'm draining was alcohol instead. I could use something strong to make me forget that my chance with Danny is slowly slipping away from me and I can't stop myself from wanting to touch him and kiss him and fucking  _be_  with him.

"I've… had a really bad history with dating," Danny says, his voice soft as he speaks. He keeps his stare forward, his posture rigid as he speaks, but he continues. "My ex was one of the first guys I was ever serious with and… he kinda… fucked me up."

Danny shifts awkwardly, a stuttering breath leaving him, but the silence stays intact. None of us try to interrupt him, and maybe the other two are staying silent out of respect. I'm just afraid that if the slightest thing happens, he'll stop talking and never bring this up again.

"It started out innocent enough, y'know? We met through a dating app… and went out a couple times. Discovered we were both in our sophomore years a-and kinda just… exploring our sexualities… And in the beginning everything was fine. It was all good. We had fights, you know, but they were like any other couple until… it got worse," he's whispering now and I know I'm not the only one that can see the way the skin around his eyes has started to tighten. "H-He-"

He practically chokes on the words he wants to say and he leans forward, dropping his head into his hands with a quiet sniffle.  _Fuck, Danny. You're gonna kill me._

I claw up some shred of bravery from inside my soul as I lean forward too, placing my hand on the small of his back. I rub tiny circles against his skin, entirely focused on Danny. As long as he can feel my touch, he'll be okay. He just needs something to keep him in the present and not back wherever the fuck his mind is going.

"He started getting angry with me more and more and his kind of anger a-always left marks," he whispers, unknowingly breaking my heart. Those bruises I saw at the beach… they weren't from him being phantom.

Danny drags in a breath that's painful to listen to but he manages to keep himself together enough to talk. "He was  _so_  good at fooling everyone. M-My family didn't realize what he was doing in the beginning or how badly he was f-fucking with me and I  _know_  it isn't their fault but I felt so alone during the whole fucked-up situation. And part of me feels like i-it was my fault too c-cause I could have ended things earlier than I did."

I swallow back every insult I want to throw out about whatever jackass dared to put their hands on Danny and though I have the words in my soul, I don't have the bravery to speak them out loud. It's not his fault. Abusers tend to isolate the people they want to go after. They want their victim to think they're alone. That no one understands them. So that they never reach out for help.  _It's not your fault, Danny. I know what it feels like._

Danny's quiet for a second or two as he runs a hand down his face but once the silence is over, he starts talking again and I don't think he ever plans to stop. And as long as this is helping him, I don't think I want him to stop.

"He'd get angry and no matter how many times I tried to apologize, h-he'd stay angry a-and-" he chokes, dragging in oxygen only to expel it out again with more broken words. "He used to leave marks where n-no one could see but then bruises started showing up on my arms and my face a-and my parents had to get involved a-and I-I just… can't… sometimes, I-I just can't and-"

Danny breaks off mid-sentence and pushes out a breath, looking like he's trying to hold himself together. I know the feeling. I know how much it can choke you, so I keep my hand on his lower back, trying to remind him that he's here with me and not back with whoever fucked him up to this point. Even though I want to pull him into my arms and whisper that I'll never let anyone hurt him, I can't find that bravery. It doesn't exist within my soul in this moment – if it ever even did.

He, however, draws on his own courage in the silence. He takes in a deep breath, sits up a little straighter, and somehow manages to mask that pain or piece himself back together or  _something_.

"Yeah, s-so… you can probably see why I'm  _not_  gonna try dating again until college. Maybe even until after college," Danny says with a humorless laugh and I know I'm not the only one here that feels like it's painful to listen to. He's always been good at hiding what he really feels but I never would have thought he was capable of hiding something like this.

Keith clears his throat, running a hand through his hair when I glance his way. "I'm… really sorry, I didn't mean to… upset you," he mumbles and Danny immediately shakes his head.

"Don't worry about it. You didn't know," he says, pulling away from me just a little. He leans back on his hands again, closing his eyes to the nighttime sky. A breeze drifts by, ruffling his hair and making me fall for him even more. He smiles at the wind gently caressing his skin and I can't help but smile at  _him._

Silence eases its way back into the conversation and I stare out at the city again, my mind far from the peaceful serenity I had going on earlier. All I can focus on is the broken boy sitting next to me and wonder how long he's had to hide this. The ex that he mentioned to Kwan and I when Jared showed up at school… is that the same ex he's talking about now? What about the guy he met at the club? How does he fit into the picture? God, I wish I knew what to say in this silence instead of letting it rest between us like I always do.

Danny suddenly lets out a snort, quickly earning all of our attention as he shakes his head. He blinks his eyes open, keeping his gaze skyward. "We're like the opening to a bad joke." He waits a few seconds before he drops his gaze down and looks between us. "So two gay guys and two straight guys are hanging out together… you tell me how you think that sounds," he says with another snort.

Kwan laughs too, a grin easily replacing the hesitant expression he had when Danny was talking about his ex.

The silence only lasts a few seconds longer before Keith clears his throat. The three of us turn to look at him and he's awkwardly scratching the back of his head, his face red as he chews on his bottom lip. He lets out a soft breath before he glances at us with a shrug.

"M-Make that…  _three_  gay guys… hanging out together," he says, letting out a shaky breath.

Kwan's slower to react, awkwardly gaping at Keith in the silence, but it only takes Danny a second to shrug. "Alright, cool. Three gay guys and one straight guy. Still sounds like a bad joke to me," he says with a grin that slowly fades when he turns to look at me. "Sorry… if this is making you uncomfortable."

I suck in a breath that sounds ragged to my own ears and I hope it doesn't to anyone else's. I could easily say what Keith did and let them all know that I'm gay too. Maybe. A little? Fuck, I don't know what I am.

"N-No, it's… fine, this stuff doesn't bother me," I respond, forcing a shitty smile onto my face for Danny's benefit. Cause he doesn't deserve to have to deal with my shit again. He shouldn't have to help me figure this out. Even though, he's the reason I started fucking questioning in the first place.

Kwan gives me a sympathetic look, like he's urging me on to come out or talk to about this shit but I can't. I avert my gaze from my best friend and try to push these not-gay-sort-of-gay thoughts out of my mind and just enjoy the night. Cause my team won a championship game and the stars are out and the boy I've fucking fallen for is sitting next to me, reminding me that once in a while, life goes right.

* * *

 

I don't know how long the four of us talk but by the time we leave the balcony, the party is mostly over. Everyone has either passed out drunk on various pieces of furniture or left to hook up earlier on in the night. When I don't see Star or Jeff on my way out the door, I assume that's where they disappeared off to. Which doesn't exactly put the greatest mental pictures in my mind.

"It's like dawn of the dead in here," Kwan comments, grinning when Keith laughs.

Danny smiles too but his gaze sweeps the room and I think I know what he's doing even before he asks it. "Hey, any of you know what room Mitch is in?"

"Yeah, he's in my room," Keith says, stretching his arms over his head with a groan. "Why?"

Danny sinks his teeth into his bottom lip and shakes his head, a smile quickly easing into his expression. "No reason. Could you let him know which room I'm in? Just in case he wants to hang out tonight."

Keith gives him a funny look before the recognition clicks and he drops his gaze. "R-Right, of course," he mumbles.

There's a few seconds of awkward standing around before Kwan starts forward, beckoning us to follow after him. "Come on, we better go now before someone wakes up and we have to play good Sarmatian by carrying them back to their room."

Danny and I are quick to follow after Kwan, making jokes about the drunk idiots my teammates and friends have become, and I glance over my shoulder to get Keith's attention. But he's still standing there, frowning down at the carpet and I stop, hovering halfway between him and Danny.

"Hey, you coming?" I ask and Keith looks up at me.

He chews on his lip, nodding once before he follows after us, his gaze focused downward again. There's a tension between the four of us as we head out of Dale's room together and it follows us down the hall to the elevators.

Kwan hits the button to go down and we stand in awkward silence while we wait for it. Danny's tugged his phone from his pocket and is staring down at the screen but I can tell he's not actually looking at anything. He's just trying to avoid this awkward tension and silence.  _I'm right there with you, Danny._

"You think… everyone in there tonight was too drunk to remember it in the morning?" Keith asks into the silence and it only takes a split second for the three of us to understand what he's talking about. It's not the party he's wondering if they'll all remember. It's everything Dale said and did.

Danny pushes out a breath, leaning against the wall beside the elevator. "I don't know. Maybe."

I can't meet Keith's gaze when he looks my way. I'm not like Danny. I wouldn't be able to handle it if someone outed me. I'd just give up. I'd never go back to Casper High and I'd hide out from everyone. I don't want anyone to know this part of myself and seeing it tonight, with Mitch and Dale, it's starting to fuck with me more than I thought it would.

"Even if people remember it, he'll be okay. Because he's got people like us on his side already," Danny says, pushing away from the wall to put his hand on Keith's arm. He waits until my teammate looks up before he continues. "It's okay, Keith."

Something tells me that the relief I can see on Keith's face isn't just for Mitch – it's for himself too. For the fact that he literally just came out to the three of us and it doesn't mean a thing to us. It doesn't change  _anything_ about him to me and I know it's the same for Kwan and Danny too. Keith can talk about this stuff with us now because we get it.  _Fuck, I get it, Keith._

The elevator arrives on our floor and the four of us tuck ourselves inside. My arm is resting against Danny's and it causes that nervous tremor to bubble inside of myself. I chew on my fingernails and fidget with my phone – anything to keep the nerves at bay – and I actually breathe a sigh of relief when the elevator shudders to a stop.

"See you guys in the morning," Keith says, giving the three of us a tired smile once we're all off the elevator and crowded in the hall. He gives me a fist bump when I offer up my hand and I can see the hesitation on Kwan's face before he pulls Keith into a hug. There's a moment of surprise on Keith's face before he hugs Kwan back.

I only watch the two of them for a second before I'm focused on Danny.

He gives me a hesitant smile and without words passing between us, I answer his question and start walking him down the hall to his room. The skin on the back of my neck prickles just a little and I know that Kwan's staring at us now. I glance over my shoulder pointedly and of fucking course he just grins in response.

Danny takes his key from his back pocket and opens the door, leaving it open for me. I hesitate a second before I follow him inside and watch as he ditches the key onto the bedside table before I push the door closed behind us.

"Ugh. Don't know about you but I'm ready to crawl into bed and sleep the night away," he says, his exhaustion showing through in his smile. I think tonight wiped him out more than it did me and I have a feeling the conversation on the balcony is only part of it.

I shuffle a few steps closer, nodding to his sentiment as I awkwardly palm the back of my neck. "Y-Yeah, I'm kinda exhausted too," I respond. When I drop my hand to my side again, I feel the weight of his necklace hit my chest, hidden underneath my t-shirt.

"Here," I murmur, lifting the cord over my head and looping it around his neck instead. He smiles as the pendant falls against his chest and he immediately drops his gaze to it like he was waiting for it to be around his neck again. "Guess… you were right," I mumble, shrugging when he looks up at me. "We won the game s-so… guess it is good luck."

Danny's smile widens and he curls his palm around the pendant. He drops his gaze to it again and pushes out a breath, seeming like he's warring with himself. I don't know what his choices are but he comes to some kind of a decision and looks up at me again.

"When my dad gave this to me, it was… after everything happened with my ex. It wasn't really meant for good luck, it meant a few different things. But I feel like it's become something close to a good luck charm," he mumbles, trailing off as his face flushes pink.

I chew the inside of my cheek to stop myself from lunging across the space between us to kiss him or hold him gently or just touch him. I've been asking myself and wondering why I can't just kiss him or tell him how I feel and I think I finally have my answer. He's not as solid as I thought he was.

I've always pictured myself as the crumbling building and Danny as the proud skyscraper. Standing tall and unshakeable. But I was wrong. He  _is_  shakable. And he's been broken. So fucking badly. And he hasn't fixed himself yet. At least, not entirely. I can't ask him to be mine if he's not even his own again. Despite how often I dream of waking up to a mess of black hair and eyes so blue, they make the sky jealous, I can't tell him how I feel. Not yet anyway.  _Not yet._

Danny raises an eyebrow when I take a step backward but I offer up a smile, in the hopes that it's enough of an answer for now.  _I really fucking like you, Danny. But I can't ask you to be mine._

"I'll give you some space. See you in the morning?" I ask, already retreating a few more steps.

He nods, his eyebrows drawn down but I don't let it stop me. Cause he needs his space, even if he doesn't want to admit it. The selfish part of me is hoping that he asks me to stay the night with him. But the bigger part of me, the part that tries to remind the selfish part that he's  _hurting_ , knows that it's better this way.

I turn around and get almost to the door before he calls out to me. I'd like to think that his voice doesn't have that much power over me but that'd be a lie. Of course I turn instantly when I hear him softly call my name.

Danny's frowning but he closes the distance between us, immediately pulling me into a hug.  _Fuck, you're gonna make this harder than it has to be._

I practically melt into his touch and he lets out a breath, running his hands down my back. "Tonight… was all you, Dash. It didn't have anything to do with the necklace or any good luck people wished you. The Ravens won tonight because your team was excellent.  _You_ were excellent, Dash," he whispers, his every word making my chest swell with pride.

He squeezes me gently, pulling away to give me a smile. "I mean it. I'm really… proud of you." Danny beams when I duck my head, blushing like a fucking idiot. He tilts my chin back up to meet his stare and the sheer  _pride_  I can see in his expression is enough to have me grinning. "Seriously. You were so good out there."

"T-Thanks," I stammer, hating the fact that he can see how embarrassed I am just from his kind words. Then again, I'd probably blush at  _anything_ he says.

Danny lets me go then and I think I'm a little proud of myself too. Not just cause of the game. Mainly cause this time, I actually manage to leave his room. I'd rather stay with him and talk late into the night and pretend that I came out to him and Keith on the balcony tonight. But pretending doesn't do anyone any good.

I close his door softly behind me but I stand outside longer than I should. Long enough to start to war with myself on whether or not I should go back inside. If I just knock, he'd let me back in. And I could hold him all night and make sure he knows that I would never to do to him what his ex did. I'll never break Danny.

"Hey, squirt."

I nearly jump out of my skin as I glance over my shoulder, stumbling a few paces away from Danny's door. I give Anastasia a glare but she merely grins in response. She leans her hip against the doorframe of an open hotel room and tilts her head as she watches me. "Whatcha doing?"

"Getting the shit scared out of me," I respond, shooting her a glare before I nod toward the bucket of ice in her hands, a tall wine bottle sticking out of the top. "You planning on drinking yourself to death?"

Anastasia grins wickedly, nodding. "Yup. Or until I pass out at least." She glances down at the bottle for a second. "You wanna join me? There's plenty here to get both of us drunk," she offers, lifting the bottle further out of the ice bucket to show me.

"Underage, remember? Wouldn't want Alex to have your head," I respond, reluctantly stepping further away from Danny's door.

She considers my words for a second or two before she shrugs. "What Alex doesn't know won't hurt him. And besides, you just won a championship game, kid. You deserve to celebrate a little."

I should probably be more responsible and tell her no but me and responsibility have never gotten along. I didn't drink at the party and I resisted pushing Danny against the fucking wall and kissing him until he fell in love with the way I taste and… Anastasia's right. My team just won the championship game. The final win of the season went to  _us_ and I deserve to celebrate.

"Okay, sure."

* * *

 

Anastasia and I end up sitting on the floor of her hotel room, taking turns refilling plastic cups with the slightly bitter alcohol until both of us are hazy and our lips start to loosen.

She starts talking about her high school experiences and how different Casper High was back then. Mostly, her talk consists of what she and Alex did but she occasionally brings up friends or past teachers. I end up laughing so fucking hard as she starts talking about how she had Mr. Lancer for English too and how he was a hard-ass even back then.

"High school, man," Anastasia says when my laughter has died down. She's grinning as she swigs from her cup again, slouching down further against the wall. Her legs are stretched out in front of her, crossed at the ankles and the look on her face is generally chilled out, her eyes creased at the edges from laugh lines.

I've got my back propped against one side of the bed and I'm watching her stare out into the distance as I tip my cup and drain what's left. I lean forward to snag the bottle between us and refill my cup before I pass it off to her waiting hand.

Anastasia pours a generous amount into her own cup and throws half of it back in two loud gulps. She runs a hand down her face as she sets the bottle on the floor beside her, letting out a breath.

"Fuck," she mumbles, her gaze dropping down to the carpet between us. She clumsily reaches for her cup and I wonder how much she's had before she invited me inside. Is this her second round of drinks or third?

She meets my gaze after a few seconds of silence and lifts her cup toward me, a smile easing its way onto her face. "Congratulations, Dash. You should be happy that you won tonight."

I swallow back a sip of alcohol as she drains the remainder of hers and reaches for the bottle again. Before she can grab it, I lean forward and snag it, tugging it out of her reach. She looks up at me then, her eyes unguarded and more honest than I've ever seen her look.

"You cutting me off, squirt?" she asks, a wry smile on her face as she leans back against the wall. Her gaze flicks to the ceiling and she shakes her head. "Probably a good thing. Tomorrow's car ride is gonna be a bitch on my head already."

I set the bottle on my other side and she drops her gaze to watch it. "Is everything okay?" I ask, knowing that it's probably not my place to ask her anything. I know Alex pretty well but Anastasia and I usually only interact when we're around him. I don't know if I have the right to ask questions. But she looks so… lost.

Anastasia meets my gaze with a scoff. "Piss off." She slides down further on the wall, her chin basically on her chest with the position, and lets out a pent-up breath.

When I've worked up the energy to apologize and take myself back to my room, she groans, sitting forward to drop her head into her hands. She grinds the heels of her palms against her eyes and rests her elbows on her knees.

"Sorry, kid. I don't mean to be a bitch and ruin your night," Anastasia mumbles, sitting upright again as she pushes a hand through her hair. She glances toward me with a shrug. "I just broke up with my girlfriend. Like last weekend. Thought I was gonna be better at dealing with it but I miss her. Even though we were a fucking train wreck together."

Before I have a chance to even process what she's said, she snatches up her cup again before realizing that it's still empty. "Fuck." Her gaze shifts to the bottle and she eyes it suspiciously, like she's debating on whether or not she's gonna lunge for it. I put the bottle on the other side of me, blocking it from her view and she groans.

"G-Girlfriend?" is what I eloquently manage to ask. I didn't know that Anastasia was gay. She never mentioned anything like that in front of me. Then again, I doubt she wanted some random kid her brother hired to know about her dating life.

She shrugs, scooting away from the wall until she can lay back. Her eyes fall closed and she rests an arm over her face with a sigh. "Yeah. We met around the beginning of summer. Been kind of an off and on relationship since then. Didn't expect this break-up to suck so much but here I am."

"You're gay?"

That wasn't at all what I planned on saying back to her. I wanted to offer condolences or ask if she wanted to talk about it but my brain decided that question was way more important to ask. And I fucking  _know_ why I'm asking.

Anastasia lifts her arm from over her eyes and gives me a curious look. I swallow and it feels like my heart is wrapped around my throat.  _Shit, I really am just a random kid that Alex hired to her. No way does she want to share any of this shit with me. I don't have a fucking right to ask her this kind of shit. Even if I'm so fucking lost with my own sexuality, she doesn't deserve to have to answer any of my questions, I should shut the fuck up before-_

"No. I'm bi," she responds, dropping her arm over her eyes again.

I try to just give her the space that she needs and not ask her to open up and talk to me about any of this shit but I've only heard that term tossed around a couple times when Kwan was trying to figure out his sexuality and I've been too fucking terrified to do any research of my own.

"B-Bi?" I question, losing my nerve when she looks at me. "That's like… uhh, bi-sexual, yeah?"

Anastasia nods, keeping her gaze on me as she talks. "Yeah, you know. I like girls and guys." She stares at me like that explains everything and waits for me to say something. But I couldn't think of a single fucking thing even if she gave me a  _year_ and she gives up on a response after a few seconds.

"I think it kinda shocked my mom a little when I came out, honestly. Cause I never realized I had a thing for girls until a couple years ago." She shrugs when I don't say anything but I think she recognizes the look on my face. "Why you asking, kid?"

I can't look at her as I turn over everything in my mind, and I drop my gaze to the ground. I still have some alcohol left in my cup and I quickly drain the remainder before I respond, my heart in my fucking throat. "I don't… really know. I've… been asking Kwan about this but… he doesn't really know."

Anastasia sits up, arching an eyebrow when I look at her. "You questioning things, squirt?"

I nod, darting my gaze in her direction, before I abruptly shake my head. "No… I don't know. Maybe I'm just confused." I jerk my fingers through my hair, trying to will myself to keep myself the fuck together. I really don't have the goddamn right to fall apart right now.

"I highly doubt you're confused," Anastasia says, moving from her position on the floor to where I'm at. She nudges my shoulder with hers as she settles down next to me, the two of us leaning against the bed together now. "So. You been noticing guys now, yeah?"

The breath sticks in my throat but I manage to say 'yeah.' I want to tell her everything I feel for Danny but he's not the only guy I've noticed. And I feel like I'd be selling myself short if I tell her that I'm only interested in Danny.

"There was… this club. I went with Kwan on Halloween a-and… I almost kissed the bartender," I mumble, running a hand down my face as I let out a breath. "He was r-really fucking-" I cut myself off before I can utter the only word I can think of to describe him –  _attractive._  "I um… I  _think_  he was flirting with me."

Anastasia snorts. "The biggest problem of all. Not knowing whether they're flirting with you or not," she mutters, shaking her head. "Good luck with that, kid, that part never gets any easier."

I give a nod, chewing on my bottom lip because I don't know what to say. I don't know how to tell her that I'm scared of this being nothing and I'm making a big deal out of it. And at the same time, I'm fucking terrified that it's  _something._

She roughly nudges her shoulder into mine with a soft noise. "You're not confused, Dash. You can like chicks and dicks at the same time. It's not weird, alright? You're perfectly normal and there's nothing wrong with you and all that feel good bullshit." Anastasia shrugs when I look at her. "I suck with words but the meaning's there, alright? You're fine, kid."

I don't know what to say and she catches me off guard by leaning over to grab the bottle sitting beside me. She gives me a pointed look when she settles against the bed again. "Shut up. And don't breathe a word of this to Alex. If he knew I was drinking cause of a break-up, he'd kick my ass."

Apparently lunging for her cup is too much effort at this point cause she just chugs straight from the bottle. When she pulls it away from her mouth, a droplet runs from the corner of her mouth and down her chin. She roughly swipes it away with a sigh, hesitating a second before she passes the bottle back to me.

"Why would-"

She doesn't give me a chance to finish my question before she's giving me the answer. "Cause I'm the one that cut him off when shit went down with Kendra. And since she moved back to Amity Park, he's tried to default back to a bottle in the evening and I'm the one that's stopped him. Trust me, he'd  _kill_  me if he found out that I'm chugging alcohol cause of a break-up."

_Shit_ … I didn't think about that before. Ever since I heard Kendra's name, I've known that whatever happened between them must've been fucking horrible but… a break-up? Is that all there is to that shitty situation?

"Alex was… th-that's what happened between them?" I ask, meeting Anastasia's gaze when she looks back at me.

She snorts, shaking her head as she pulls the bottle back from me again, chugging down a few more swallows. "It was so much more than a break-up. It was ugly and messy and honestly, Alex has never really healed from it all. And it's fucking understandable because I couldn't  _imagine_ being in his shoes and yet he's better at this fucking shit than I am and-" she cuts herself off, shaking her head as she downs a few more swallows again.

For a few seconds, neither one of us make a move and silence is stretched so thinly over the both of us, I'm afraid it's going to snap. There's too many questions to ask her, too many things I can feel her holding back from this conversation. I want to ask. And I know she wants to answer. But something doesn't feel right about asking.

"Forget it," Anastasia says, setting the bottle down between us before she crosses her arms. "That's Alex's shit to talk about. Don't tell him I mentioned any of it, he really will kill me. When he decides to tell you…  _if_ he decides to tell you, don't mention my name or anything, I'm way too fucking young to die."

I nod and let my stare drift out into the rest of the room, processing everything as we both lapse into a comfortable silence. For a few minutes, I can only think of Alex and wonder what the hell happened with Kendra that was so bad. That fucked him up this badly. But my heart is quick to pull my attention back toward what Anastasia said about being bisexual. The part about it being okay to like girls and guys.  _Fuck, I want it to be okay._

"Oh shit, I just remembered, Alex owes me twenty bucks cause of you. Thanks," she says, slumping down further against the bed. A wicked grin lights up her features when I look at her. "We kinda had a betting pool on when you'd come out."

I can only imagine the expression on my face but it makes her cackle, her whole body shaking with the laughter.  _What the fuck?_

She chokes on her laughter. "Y-You should… see… the look on your… face!" She twists at odd angles as the laughter shakes her and clutches at her stomach as she falls onto her back. "O-Oh, Dash y-you're… gonna… kill me kid!"

I resort to chucking pillows at her face until she stops laughing and once she's back to mostly coherent, save for a few spluttered giggles, I give her a glare. Which only makes that stupid-ass grin return to her face.

"I'm not even sorry, your face was priceless," Anastasia says, leaning over to sock me on the arm. She relaxes back against the bed again, letting out a breath. "It's true though. We really do have a bet going on when you'd come out. He said it'd take you until at  _least_  December. I said it'd be before then. Honestly, I figured you were gonna tell him but I'm honored to be allowed in on this secret." She mimes wiping a tear away and places a hand over her heart. So of course I have to throw another pillow at her stupid fucking face.

She makes another few teasing jibes but we settle back into quiet conversation for a while. When we're both practically falling asleep mid-sentence, Anastasia offers for me to crash in her room for the night. She warns me that she's a blanket hog but that's more than fine with me. All the alcohol and conversation has made warmth flow through me and I actually slip my shirt off before I pass out on the bed next to her.

The few thoughts I have before darkness takes me are fleeting and barely make any sense but I recognize that they're of Danny.  _Of course they're of Danny._

* * *

 

The sky is just beginning to lighten when my phone starts making one obnoxious noise after another. For a few, bleary seconds, I think I've left my alarm on but I don't remember setting one. It's gotta be barely 6 judging from the sky alone.

It takes me a few seconds before I realize that it's not my alarm going off, someone's calling me. And though the string of numbers isn't a contact in my phone, I have a vague idea that I know who's calling me this late. Or early, I guess.

"H-Hello?" I answer the call before stumbling out of bed. Anastasia is stirring at the sound of my voice so I make my way over to the balcony. The dead air I'm getting on the other end is more worrying than it should be, especially if my instincts are right. "Mom?"

I hear her inhale softly on her end and I mumble a swear under my breath before I step out onto the balcony. The sky really is just starting its transition into morning so it's still really dim, the only lights from the city below us.

Mom hasn't spoken since I answered the call and it ignites a fear in my bones that I didn't know still existed in my soul. I swipe a hand down my face, trying to wake myself up, and tighten my grip around my phone, pushing out a breath between my teeth. "Mom, what's going on?"

It's silent for another few seconds before she starts to talk, her words slurring together in a rush to get out of her mouth.

" _Dash… baby, I've missed you,"_  she mumbles, her breath hitches as she draws in a lungful of oxygen and the sound has me gritting my teeth and my eyes falling closed. Fuck, I can't stand to hear her cry.  _"I thought you were gonna help me… get away from him. Get us both away from him… baby, why won't you help me? Do you want me to always be afraid?"_

_F-Fuck, mom, don't do this._

I draw from some unseen pool of strength in my gut, urging me to push her away. To not give into this.  _I can't do this_. "Mom… c-c'mon, you know I'm not… trying to hurt you." My words come out splintered when I wanted to sound strong and it scratches at me. It reminds me that no matter how many times things get fucked up between us, mom's the one person I've never been able to push away.

" _If you don't want to hurt me, then help me."_

Her tone has a certain edge I've never heard before and it makes my chest ache. Cause I'm really not trying to hurt her. But fuck, she wants me to lie, what the hell am I supposed to do? A  _witness_. She wants me to pretend I'm a fucking  _witness._  I hate the way it sounds – like I stood by and  _watched_  dad hurt her. And I hate myself for not being strong enough to just do what she wants and fucking end this whole fucking thing.

" _Baby, I love you so much. You know that right? I… never wanted a-anything bad to happen to you. You were always the best thing he ever gave me, I only ever-"_

"Mom, are you drunk?" I interrupt, squeezing my eyes closed. I can't listen to her anymore. I don't want to hear a thousand broken apologies tumble from her lips and I'd rather tear my own skin off than listen as she tries to explain why lying to her attorney is a good thing. Why it would  _help._

She exhales out heavily, her voice sounding incredible weak when she talks. " _It hurts, baby. I know you can understand… I've just been trying to get away from him for so long and the one person I thought I could depend on… isn't here for me."_

Fuck, mom…  _please._

"M-Mom… I need to go," I mumble. She starts talking over me, telling me that she loves me and that she wishes I'd just listen to her and I  _can't_  listen to her. It hurts every bit of my heart to hear her so fucking wrecked. Cause I'm selfish and I won't give in and let her have what she wants.

I end the call abruptly, trying not to let her get inside my head but her broken tone plays in my head after the line goes dead. The hand clenched around my phone is starting to tremble a little and the tension in my gut is coursing through my veins like this…  _anxiety_  is now my own blood.

The door squeaks open behind me and I turn to look at Anastasia. She blinks, leaning her head against the doorframe and I can see the exhaustion pulling at her.

"S-Sorry… I thought I left my volume off last night," I apologize, gesturing back to her room. "You can… go back to sleep… I'll be inside in just a second."

Anastasia stares back at me for a few seconds before she steps out onto the balcony, pushing the door closed behind her. "Eh. I could go for a cigarette." She procures a pack from her pocket and lights up a cigarette, the smoke almost beautiful in the early morning light. It captures my attention from the second she puts it to her lips and it's like I can't tear my gaze away from it. Cause if I look away, I'll think of everything I'm trying not to.

She glances my way with a tired smirk. "Don't even bother asking for one of these, squirt."

I look away from her and try to shake that phone call from my mind by staring down at the city but it doesn't work that well. Compared to what I could see last night from Dale's room, the view just isn't the same. But I still find my stare fixated on the traffic below us, just trying to keep my grip on reality and not get sucked up into mom's world.

Anastasia shuffles closer to me when I lean my forearms against the railing and after a second or two of hesitation, she mirrors my position. The light from her cigarette glows orange against the dark blues of the sky and the contrast has my focus again, my gaze following it every time she lifts it to her mouth.

"That was… your mom?" she asks, turning toward me a little.

I quickly lose interest in the light from her cigarette and drop my gaze again with a shrug. "Yeah." I don't know what Alex has told her about this whole fucked up situation but I'm not interested in filling her in. "Ask Alex if you're curious about what's been going on between me and her but… yeah. Yeah, that was her."

Anastasia watches me as I push a hand through my hair and I let out a groan. "She's…" I don't know what mom is anymore. Flippant? Careless? What's the word for someone that's abandoned you and suddenly wants your help?

"A selfish asshole?" Anastasia asks, raising an eyebrow when I look at her.

I don't know if that's the right word for her but god, it sure as hell  _feels_  like the right word for her. Selfish. That's what Alex called it when he was talking about what mom asked me to do. Maybe she is selfish. God, how can someone that's supposed to care about me ask something like that of me?

Words and I don't get along and I fucking suck at phrasing things and it's really not fair to dump my shit on Anastasia as she sleepily inhales on a cigarette but I have to say something. Or I'll burn the way the ash from her nicotine fix does but I won't sizzle out when I hit the pavement. I'll keep burning until this entire goddamn hotel is in engulfed in my flames.

"I don't… know how to stop… internalizing everything," I mumble, keeping my stare far away from Anastasia even when she turns to look at me. "I never know… how to tell people and… I've stopped letting people in. C-Cause it's hard. And awkward as fuck. But… keeping this shit inside hurts. A-And… I don't think… that I want to hurt anymore."

Anastasia places a hand on my back and grinds out the stub of her cigarette on the railing. "Shit, kid." She awkwardly pats my back, letting out a breath. "I'm not gonna pretend like I have the answers for you or like I can make you feel any better. Alex is better at talking about shit, I'm not that great with words. Pretty sure they hate me."

She gives me an apologetic look when I turn to glance at her. "Sorry, this isn't about me. Basically… fuck, I don't know what I'm supposed to say. Uhh… it gets better? Or something like that? Not every day has rain? Live for the ones that have sunshine? Don't let other people-"

I cut Anastasia off and surprise myself by hugging her. She responds with a quiet 'oof' but after a second of hesitation, her arms circle around my back and somehow, that's better than anything she could have said to me. Cause it doesn't matter what she says now. All that matters is I know now that I'm not alone in my pain and I'm sure as hell not the only one in the world that sucks with words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, the beast is done!
> 
> To those of you that haven't been following this saga of edits on 58 on my tumblr, then basically, it's been a bitch. To those of you that have been following on tumblr… ARE YOU FUCKING PROUD OF ME?!
> 
> Yoooo, welcome everyone! I took an unexpected break/hiatus from updating this fic. Work was crazy, I was super busy even in my down-time and honestly, things are only gonna get crazier from here. But I'm back and I'm ready to double down on my editing and prepare 59 to go up much faster than I got this chapter up. And maybe if I'm lucky, I can sneak in a Saturday upload or two to make up for this unexpected break. But anyway, onto this chapter!
> 
> So, first things first because I've been DYING for you guys to know about it: What do you think of the storyline around Danny's ex!? I've been waiting so patiently for you guys to know about it! Any thoughts you have please let me know cause I'd love to hear them!
> 
> There's a lot to unpack in this chapter but I've been staring at it and editing it for like a month so this'll probably be a quicker run through of an author's note than usual but here goes
> 
> Poor Dash and his rib. For clarification because I don't think it was ever officially said in the chapter, his rib isn't broken and it didn't cut through his skin. That was just an old wound from the last time his dad kicked him. The scab just came off while he was playing and bled a little
> 
> What about him letting Tatiana in on this secret? What'd you guys think of that? Also I'd love to know what you think of Tatiana in general, she's such a fun character to write. Also I LOVE the way Anastasia and Alex interact whenever they're around their mom. It's like they're instantly kids again, making stupid jibes at each other and stuff
> 
> Dale and Mitch at the party, huh? That was a scene that was never in the original version of this chapter, I added it when editing. I added it for a few reasons, honestly. One, this entire time I've been writing this fic, I've always pictured in my head that these two characters just went together. It wasn't something I ever addressed because it was just an author thing, something I knew behind the scenes but didn't really matter to the overall plot or structure of the story. But this chapter gave me the opportunity to explore it so I went with it for a few other reasons
> 
> Having two of Dash's teammates "come out" publicly like that really sets up for how Dash chooses to come out himself. He's obviously already out to Kwan, Valerie, and now Anastasia but he's still very much in the closet. After seeing the way that this affects his teammates when they're back home in Amity Park, it makes Dash think twice about coming out. Having this scene in this chapter also set the stage for Keith to do his own coming out which leads to some interesting developments later on. Also, that moment when you realize like a solid 80% of the football team isn't straight lmao
> 
> What do you think of how Anastasia handled Dash's questioning? I know it can be a bit of delicate subject to address cause everyone has differing opinions on how to handle it. But I hope I did it justice and I hope you guys liked it
> 
> Also, a bit of a note here, the Spanish in this chapter I used was miel which should translate to "honey", querido which should translate to "dear", and cállate which should translate to "shut up". Again, I don't speak Spanish so if this is wrong, don't hate me
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from Midnight Mouths by Lauren Aquilina. When I first wrote this chapter, I kind of knew that this would be the title just based on the balcony scene alone. The first line of the song is, "We were running off our midnight mouths, saying things that we don't mean" and to me, that was just the balcony scene in a nutshell. Another contender for this chapter was So Alive by Goo Goo Dolls and also New Rules by Dua Lipa. I really picture the Dua Lipa song as something Danny would send to Kwan on a mixtape of sorts, just like "get over jared he's an ass, ur better than him"
> 
> Anyway, that's all I pretty much wanna say about this chapter – guess it wasn't that short of an author's note after all. Thanks so much for sticking with this story, I really appreciate all the love and support. And I'm really hoping that it doesn't take me another month before the next chapter goes up
> 
> Seriously though, thanks so much and I hope you've all enjoyed this update. I'll see you next time I upload!


	59. I Drive All Night To Keep Him Warm

I get back in bed under the pretense of sleep but I spend most of the night tossing and turning. Anastasia sleeps like a rock next to me and I wonder how much of that is from her alcohol consumption. I wish I got as drunk as she did last night. Maybe then I wouldn't have heard my phone ring.

Around nine, I hear my teammates voices out in the hall and I give up trying to sleep. Anastasia barely stirs when I get up from the bed, shuffle across the room and click the door shut behind me. Jeff's in the hallway, leaning against the wall as he talks quietly with Star.

He glances up when I pass by them and offers up a nod of recognition that I'm not entirely sure I return. I continue down the hall without a word and try to shake the headache coursing through me. Kwan's just stepping out into the hall and he gives me a look as he leans against the wall beside our room.

"Doing the walk of shame, Dash? Where'd you go last night?" he asks, a grin easily taking over his expression. "Did you hang out with Danny?"

I shake my head and slide the key from my pocket, opening the door in the silence. Kwan hesitates in the hall behind me, maybe like he wants to follow after me, but I close the door between us before he can. I don't want to deal with anyone or anything right now. I just want to get my shit and take a shower before I have to go home.

I walk further into the room, stepping over Kwan's bag to get to mine. I dig through my bag and look through the clothes I packed for this trip before I just decide to take whatever's clean. I don't care anymore.

All of my movements feel sluggish as fuck but I somehow manage to drag myself into the shower and stand under the spray. Everything feels like it's moving in slow-motion and I'm no different. Time isn't a factor on me today and I take as long as I can in the shower, even going so far as to shave the few stubborn patches of stubble on my chin, before I leave the bathroom again.

I pack all my shit away and sling my bag onto my shoulder, taking a final glance around the hotel room. All of the good that happened yesterday is colored by the phone call with mom. Where her voice sounded so broken and I was too fucking selfish to just give in and let her have what she wants. I know that we won the game last night but the sinking feeling in my gut makes me feel like I've somehow lost.

Jeff and Star are still in the hallway when I leave the room but they barely glance my way when I trudge down the hall toward the elevators. I have to wait a decade and a half for one to arrive but thankfully it's empty so my ride downstairs is quiet.

Alex is in the lobby when the elevator shudders to a stop. He's talking on his cell phone and though I can see him from where I'm at, he doesn't see me. And I don't think I want him to either. So I quickly skirt out of the lobby and leave the hotel before he has the chance to look my way.

I shuffle across the parking lot to my car in silence and I put my bag away in the trunk of my car. The sun is hitting my car in such a way that I can see my own reflection. And I look really fucking tired. Fuck, I  _am_. I just want to go home and be by myself but I didn't make the drive up here alone. I just want to hit the road but he's still sleeping and I don't want to wake him yet. After everything he told me last night, I don't want to disturb him yet.

The silence finds a comfortable place to rest in my bones as I settle onto the trunk of my car, staring out at the road across from the hotel. The sigh I let slip from me feels like it should expel out every horrible thing I'm feeling but it doesn't. And I feel shitty for feeling shitty. Why does a simple phone call have to fuck with me so much?

I don't know how long I sit on my car, staring out at nothing, but it feels like it's only been a minute when my phone vibrates in my pocket. I'm pretty much frozen from the cold when I finally move to look at the text and my fingers fumble as I type in my passcode.

**From: Alex**

_**Hey! We're looking for you. Mom and I are rousing Ana from sleep and then we're gonna go out for breakfast. Bring Danny and Valerie, and meet us in the lobby in ten? :)** _

Another sigh is dragged from me at his words on my screen and I hate myself for feeling this way. I don't want to meet them for breakfast. I just want to get in my car and drive from here back to Amity Park. As soon as I'm home, I'm diving under my covers and I'm not resurfacing for at least a week.

I want to text back and tell him that I just want to go home or lie and say that I've already eaten something but Alex can always tell when I'm lying. And I don't want to let my shitty mood affect him. He spends enough of his goddamn time worrying about me. I can't let my own selfishness get in the way of what he wants again.

**To: Alex**

_**Okay** _

* * *

I don't have the energy for seeing Valerie yet so I text her with the plan instead but the thought of Danny has something stirring alive in me. I don't know if it's the full-blown butterflies from last night but it's something more than this shitty greyness.

Kwan's in the lobby with his mom and even though I want to just walk by him and not give a fuck, I can't. He's my best friend and last night we won the championship game together. So I stop when he notices me and I hold out the room key to him.

"Here. Your shit's everywhere in the room," I mumble, not entirely sure that's what I meant to say.

Kwan takes the key from me, nodding just a little in the silence. He hesitates a second before he looks up to hold my gaze, his face the picture of concern. "Are you okay?" he asks softly, stepping forward just a little to put his hand on my arm.

I wish I was capable of telling the truth. I wish I could just say no. That I'm not okay. That I'm so fucking angry at myself for not just giving mom what she wants. But words and I don't get along and I don't know how to force it out.

"Yeah. Just tired." I shrug, stepping back from Kwan. "Alex is waiting on me so… I gotta go."

I feel Kwan's stare on me all the way to the elevators and just as I reach them, he calls my name. I push the button before I turn around to him and he crosses the distance between us.

Kwan drags me into a hug, his arms tight across my back – not giving me even a fraction of breathing room. I know him better than I know myself most days. And I can tell that he's scared. I don't know if it's for me or for how I've been pulling away from him lately but he's scared. And I can do little to ease it.

"I'm fine," I mumble, dropping my chin onto his shoulder anyway. I wish I was fine. I wish I was  _more_ than fine. I just want everything to go back to the way it used to be. Before mom left. Before I found a family I ache so much to be a part of. Before I fell out of line and fell for someone I have no right to get involved with.

Kwan holds me tighter when a shiver runs through me but I push away from him. I can't stand here and let him hold me while I feel sorry for myself  _again_. I don't want that to be the way his weekend ends. I fucking love Kwan but he doesn't deserve my shit.

"I gotta go. Text me later?" I ask, stepping back from him before I turn for the elevators again. One has finally arrived and I step onto it, not looking back at Kwan once I've hit the button for the right floor. My heart's hammering in my chest on the ride up but I force myself to breathe out and calm down. I don't want to drag my shit up again.

There's a nervous tremor starting in my left hand and I don't want to give into it. I don't want to let it affect me like it's already begun to. So I dig my phone from my pocket and check the text messages Valerie's sent me.

**From: Valerie**

_**!** _

_**Please not McDonalds, their coffee is shitty** _

_**I know you stomach it but Dash plz** _

I start to respond, say something about it not being my decision, but the elevator comes to a stop and I pocket my phone without a response. I start down the hallway but I almost stop when I see Alex hanging in the doorway of Anastasia's room.

Danny's room is only a few doors down from Anastasia's and I pray to whatever god is listening that he opens up before Alex turns around and sees me.

It takes me a good few minutes hovering beside the elevator before I have the balls to cross the distance to Danny's door. That nervous tremble is back inside of me and I'm practically shaking as I knock on his door. I'm hoping with everything in me that Alex won't notice me while I'm standing out in the hall. But fate has other plans and he looks my way just as Danny opens the door.

"Hi," Danny greets brightly, stepping back a bit to let me inside his room.

I silently accept his invitation and as soon as we're both inside, I close the door. Every nerve ending in me is on fire and I collapse against his door, closing my eyes in the silence. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I have the strength to be around Danny today and act like his every little thing doesn't affect me the way it does.

"What's up?" Danny asks and I open my eyes again to see that he's crossed over to the bed. His bag is open on top of the bed, a bunch of his shit surrounding it. I watch the way he puts a few things in his bag only to take them out again a few seconds later to rearrange everything.

He shoots a glance my way at my silence and I push away from the door, trying to shake the nerves from my soul. I trudge a few steps further into his room, trying to inject some kind of false happiness into my tone.

"Alex and his family are going out for breakfast. They want me, you, and Val to join them," I mumble, jerking my thumb toward the door. "Just come downstairs when you're ready. I'll be waiting in the lobby."

I turn for the door and I close my hand around the knob before Danny calls my name. My heart leaps into my throat and I force myself to breathe out before I glance over my shoulder. He's smiling, his head titled to one side as he watches me.

"You can hang out in here if you'd rather," he offers, his smile brightening just a little. "It shouldn't take me too long to finish packing up."

I want to hang around him while he puts his shit away but at the same time, I don't. I just want to go downstairs and let myself get lost as fuck inside my own head. I don't want to have to carry on a conversation and I don't want to let these damn butterflies make me feel better. I don't deserve to feel better right now.

"Thanks but… I'm gonna head downstairs. I'll see you in a bit." I manage to give him a smile before I leave his room but I notice the concern in his expression before I turn away from him.  _Fuck, please don't feel bad for me._

Alex is still down the hall when I step out but he's standing inside Anastasia's room with the door open now. I don't want to go out with them. I want to get in my car and go home because I know that Alex will be able to tell that I'm fucked-up just from one glance and Anastasia was there when mom called and Tatiana knows my fucking shit now and… fuck I don't want to do this.

I cross the hall to the elevators and step on the first one that arrives. After I hit the button for the lobby, I lean back against the wall, knowing that I don't have the energy for any of this bullshit. I should just cancel before I make a complete ass of myself around them. Fuck, I don't want to make this a big deal but I just want to be alone.

The elevator shudders to a stop at the lobby and I all but tumble out. A few more of my teammates and their families are in the lobby now and I pass by all of them, intent on getting as far away as I fucking can from all of this bullshit, before I eventually just collapse against the nearest wall. I hate that seeing my teammates with their families has stirred the jealousy in me.

Why do I have to feel shitty right now? Why can't I just be okay? I pulled this shit last night, what gives me the fucking right to do it again today? Shouldn't I be better at dealing with my shit rather than letting it fuck with me like this?

Somewhere in the midst of my mental bitching, I see Mitch across the room. He's fidgeting nervously with his phone, looking like he doesn't know what to do with his hands. He's pulling at the hem of his t-shirt and smoothing out wrinkles that aren't there. He's nervous. And of everyone in the lobby right now, I'm probably the only one that knows why.

I push away from the wall I'm leaning against and cross over to where Mitch is. He looks up as I come to a stop in front of him and he blows out a breath, immediately dropping his gaze from mine.

He fidgets again, keeping his stare trained on the ground, and I don't know how to do this. I don't know if there's something I'm supposed to do or something I'm supposed to say to make this easier on him. It's not like I can just say,  _"Sorry your boyfriend outed you in front of all our friends. Great game last night, huh?"_

I'm not the kind of person that people seek comfort from. It's just not in my bones. I don't even comfort myself. And maybe Mitch needs comfort right now and maybe he doesn't. I don't know the difference, I can never tell.

"This town sucks," I mumble, leaning against the wall Mitch is standing in front of.

He looks back at me and hesitates a second before he steps backward, mirroring my position. His arm is against mine and he leans his head back against the wall, flicking his stare to the ceiling as a laugh is dragged from him.

"Yeah, it does," he responds softly.

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to broach that subject. I don't even know if I  _should_ broach that subject. All I know is that Mitch looks so fucking lost and I want to help. I want to extend my hand and pull him up through this confusing, terrifying,  _gay_ mess. But there's nothing I can do or say that'll mean anything to him. He doesn't know the way that I feel because I've never told him. So my understanding will only ever come off as pity to him.

"Amity Park sucks too sometimes," I continue, not sure where I'm going with this rant or if this is even the right time to be saying any of this. My breath sticks in my throat when Mitch turns to look at me but I keep talking anyway cause I don't know what else to do in this silence. "The people there have small minds and they're so fucking… stupid about some things and I don't get it. What the fuck does it matter to them?"

Mitch swallows hard when I manage to glance his way for a few seconds. His eyes are telling me that there's so much he wants me to say in this moment but he looks away from me before I have the chance to figure any of it out.

"Just… so you know, none of that shit matters to me. People can… be who they are with me," I say, knowing that I'm fucking this up. That I'm making this whole goddamn situation worse and putting Mitch in a fucking awkward position.

He surprises me when he looks up at me with a smile that quickly loses its hesitancy. "Thanks, Dash." Mitch's smile brightens a little and he nudges his shoulder against mine. "It's nice to know that you support this kind of stuff. Sometimes it's hard to tell who does."

Of course I support this.  _I'm_  this. Or I'm some variation of this. Or however the fuck it works. I'm something. And he's something too. And even if we weren't, I'd still support it. Cause my best friend is gay. Cause the boy I've fallen so hard for is gay. Cause I'm a fucking decent human being.

"People get so fucking stupid about this shit," I mumble, pushing away from the wall. Even though I could probably stay with Mitch and talk forever about all of this, I need to put some distance between us. This isn't about me. This is about him and the way he feels. No one gives a shit if the quarterback has the hots for his tutor.

I shove Mitch's shoulder just a little and jerk my thumb behind me. "Sorry man, I gotta run. Some friends wanna grab breakfast before I hit the road so… I'll see you back in Amity Park?"

Mitch smiles. It's not a happy expression but it's not entirely sad either. I get the impression that he's holding back in this moment but he doesn't say another word. He just nods and I slip away from him cause I'm too much of a coward to ask him what he's thinking.

I hide out in the hallway just beside the elevators, afraid that Mitch will see me and figure out that I'm just not in the headspace to talk about this shit. But when Dale comes out of the elevators, I can breathe easier cause I know that Mitch won't come looking for me now.

Dale still looks hungover when he stumbles past me but he stops only a few feet from me. I can see him hesitating but whatever's got him hung up, he gets over and turns back to me. His every movement is slow, like he's not sure how I'll react, but he blows out a breath and meets my gaze.

"You seen Mitch?" he asks and I nod toward the lobby. He exhales out a breath and runs a hand through his hair. It almost seems like he wants to say something more to me but he turns and walks away without another word.

The silence begins to scratch at me as soon as he's gone so I dig my phone from my pocket to give myself something to do. Texts from both Kwan and Valerie have piled up on my phone, along with a few snapchats from my teammates. I don't have the mental energy to look at any of them right now so I turn my screen off again and let my gaze drift through the lobby instead.

At first, I'm looking at nothing. Just watching my teammates and their families and the crowd of people that were watching the game last night. But in between families and random strangers, I see someone I recognize. Someone with a smile so wide on her face, I feel that shitty mood begin to crack.

"Dash!" Tatiana calls, waving to me as she makes her way across the crowded lobby. She tugs me into her arms when she's close enough and I breathe in the feeling of her kindness flowing from her. Her arms fit around my back and she holds me close and it feels so fucking right. Tatiana kisses my cheek and I find myself fighting like  _hell_  to keep from breaking in her arms. Cause she's so warm and I feel like my heart's been cold since I answered that call from mom.

Tatiana must recognize that I'm not as steady on my feet as I look cause she holds me gently and rubs at the knots in my back. I don't even realize I've fisted my hand in the back of her shirt until my fingers start to go numb from the tightness.

"Is everything okay,  _cariño_?" she questions, continuing to rub at the tension building in the muscles in my back. I don't know how to speak without splintering so I slowly let go of her shirt and nod, even though everything is far from fine. Or maybe everything  _is_  fine and I'm just making a big deal out of nothing.

I reluctantly pull away from her, knowing that if I stay in her arms any longer, she'll realize how awful I'm really doing. Not that this shit is anything new. It shouldn't be able to fuck with me like it does but god. Mom needs help so badly and if she had a son that wasn't a piece of shit, she'd have that help. But I fucking suck and I won't just give her what she's asked for.

"Dash… are you sure?" Tatiana asks softly and I know she's thinking of what I told her in Danny's room last night. About my dad. About everything he's done to me. But this isn't about dad this time. This is about me. And how much mom needs me and how I just  _won't_ give her what she wants.

It's not fair of me to lie, and  _especially_  not to Tatiana, but I find myself mumbling that I'm okay. She and her kids have done so much for me, it feels cheap to give her anything other than the truth but I just can't today. I don't feel like dragging my shit out right now.

"Sorry," I say, attempting to wrench a smile from the depths of my bruised soul. "I was celebrating with my teammates last night and I might be a little hungover." I push out a laugh when she frowns, looking at me the way she looked at Anastasia the other night. Like she might have to scold me. But I'm not her kid and I think that's what stops her.  _God, I wish she would scold me. I wish I was one of the Moreno's and had a fucking normal life._

Tatiana smiles at me, shaking her head, and she unconsciously makes this a hell of a lot easier on me. With her smile, it's easy to convince myself that it's okay to lie about this shit. If I'm not dragging someone down into it, a lie is easier to swallow.

* * *

I pretty much zone out during breakfast but I try to keep up with most of the conversation. Both Alex and Danny give me a couple looks but otherwise, I don't think anyone picks up that I'm slightly out of it. Even if they did, I'd just come up with some kind of lie again. I'm good at that part of this whole mess.

When we've all eaten what we can, we leave the restaurant together. We stand in the parking lot together for a couple of minutes, talking about the game and this weekend, before Valerie asks to hitch a ride with one of us back to the hotel so she can get her car.

"Can you guys take her? I need to stop for some gas," I lie, this one slipping so easily from me.

Alex gives me a funny look, folding his arms over his chest. "Already? I thought your mileage could outdo my car."

I shrug, swinging my keys around my index finger. I know Alex can probably tell that I'm lying but it doesn't stop me from piling another one on. "Yeah, usually. But I didn't fill up entirely before I left Amity Park."

"Well, in any case, you get yourself back to Amity Park safe. And of course, Danny too," Tatiana says, looking his way.

Danny glances up from his phone and returns the smile that Tatiana gives him. She pats my arm as she passes by me to get to him. I feel some of my shitty mood lift when I see the way Tatiana squeezes Danny close to her chest. She's not my family and I have no right to think of her that way but… seeing someone I care about with the boy I'm completely struck by makes me hate the world a little less.

Anastasia and Valerie start arguing about who gets to ride in the passenger seat and I can't help the smile that tugs at my expression. Hearing them argue over something so stupid reminds me that there's a world outside of my own head. And I guess sometimes it's good just to remember that.

Danny's standing with Tatiana, the two of them talking quietly, when Alex crosses over to me. His arms are still folded across his chest and he comes to stand beside me, leaning back against my car. I hear him exhale out a breath and I look up toward the sky.

The silence between us is punctuated by Valerie and Anastasia's laughter as the two of them chase each other around Tatiana's beat-up mini-van. They look like they're just playing around but from the look on Anastasia's face, I wonder if there's something there for her. If she sees Valerie the way I do Danny.

"You did really well last night," Alex says softly, pulling me from my thoughts. He's smiling so widely when I look him and I can't help but feel like I don't deserve it. "Seriously. I don't think I've ever seen anyone with so much heart play this game. You… were amazing, Dash."

I force a smile for his benefit, nodding. "Thanks."

He slides his arm around my shoulders, tugging me close to him. "I mean it. I'm so proud of you, you know that?" he asks, not waiting for my answer before he continues. "You played with so much spirit last night. The crowd was going nuts every time you scored a shot."

"They were rooting for the  _team_ , Alex," I respond, hating the bite to my tone. I don't mean to sound like that. I just don't think that anyone in the crowd last night was there just to see me aside from everyone that's in the parking lot with me right now.

Alex loosens his grip around my shoulders for a few seconds before he pulls his arm away entirely. When I glance at him, he's fidgeting, picking at his nails like there's something he wants to say but doesn't have the words for it. I know the feeling well but I can't offer him any advice. I still suck at finding the right words.

"Dash… last night… in the car…" he trails off, glancing up at me and meeting my stare in an instant. The butterflies in my gut are telling me that I already know what he's talking about. But I swallow hard and feign innocence, raising my eyebrows in question.

Alex runs his tongue along his teeth. "The way… you and Danny were sitting… and talking. In the car, and in the restaurant and… I'm just… curious," he says, giving me a look like he hopes I understand what he's not saying. And I  _do._ But it's not something I can easily talk about like that. Danny's only a few feet away from me and the thought of him hearing any of this has my heart pounding like crazy.

When I don't immediately respond, Alex exhales and asks it. "Are you two…?"

"No, we're not." I break the staring contest as I shake my head, pushing a hand through my hair. I turn my gaze upward and watch the few clouds drift across the otherwise clear sky. I should have told Alex this a long time ago. Because he knows me better than that. But if he hadn't seen us in the car last night, I don't think I ever would have breathed a word of this.

"But… you want to be?"

_You have no idea how much my tired soul wants to be intertwined with his. I never knew the meaning of soulmate until I met a boy named Danny. I never believed in magic or had any hope for the future until the day he stumbled into my life, bloody and nervous but so fucking perfect. Wanting him is an understatement, Alex._

I nod and the simple action isn't enough. I need to spill my guts about Danny and everything. I need to tear my heart open and show Alex what's inside. All the things I feel for Danny. Everything my mom and dad have put me through. Every night that I lay awake, hoping that things will just get better. I want to open myself up and show it all to Alex but… he doesn't need that kind of shit put on him. He and his family might show up for football games to support me but they didn't take me in to raise. It's my responsibility to get through my shit. And anyway… a conversation about Danny shouldn't be tinged with all the darker shit of my life.

Alex swallows, his throat bobbing with the action, and clears his throat. "Dash-"

"You owe Anastasia twenty dollars," I cut him off, arching an eyebrow when I look back at him. He tilts his head to one side in confusion and I roll my eyes. "You guys have some kind of bet going? On when I'd c-come out to one of you?" I ask, and Alex's face turns red.

He scratches the underside of his chin, the blush creeping down his neck as he looks away from me. "Shit, how'd you hear about that?" he asks but then seems to realize there's a more important part to this conversation. "Does that mean you're…?"

I shake my head before I shrug. "No. Anastasia talked about it with me last night and… I don't think I'm… I-I think I'm like her," I say, hating the flush I can feel on my own face and the fact that I can't even say the fucking word.

_Bisexual._ It was easy to say in Anastasia's room last night – when it was late and we were both drowning in alcohol and our own stupid problems. But here, standing in an open parking lot with Alex and his family, I just don't have that bravery anymore.

Alex chews on his bottom lip, nodding in the silence. "I hope you know… that you're not alone. There are a couple of like… support groups, I guess? I don't know, Anastasia's the one who went to them a while back, when she was figuring this out. She could probably tell you more about it than I could. But… if you're interested, I could let her know and she'll tell you about it?"

I shrug, pushing away from my car. "Thanks. I should probably get going. I'll text you when I'm home to let you know I got there okay," I mumble, glancing over my shoulder at Danny. He's still taking with Tatiana, the two of them grinning, but he looks up when I call his name.

"You riding with me?" I ask and Danny quickly nods, looking back to Tatiana again.

I only watch them for a few seconds before I turn to Alex again. I run a hand through my hair, the nerves bubbling up in my stomach again as I shrug. "Thanks for… showing up for the game. It was cool to see you guys out there in the crowd."

"Please, it was the least I could do, Dash," he says, holding out his arms for a hug. I let him fit his arms around me and I drop my cheek against his shoulder and he holds me closer. Him and his mom seem to know when I'm unsteady and right now, I hold on to him like he's my life-raft in this stupid, tidal wave that's become my life.

I don't think Alex realizes how big of a deal this weekend was to me. If he hadn't shown up with his family, it would have only been Valerie in the crowd that I wasn't expecting. She's one of my best friends and I care about her a lot but Alex is… god Alex is more like family than he should be. I don't have a fucking right to call him that but he feels closer to me than just an employer. And the selfish part of me hopes that I'm a hell of a lot more to him too.

* * *

Danny makes idle chatter when we get into my car and I've never known him for that. At first, I think he's nervous – just making conversation to keep the silence away. But after a few minutes of listening to him talk, I realize it's probably Tatiana. It feels a little like she's brought him out of his shell and this new chatty, person is who he usually is. When his own anxieties and insecurities don't keep him hostage with all the things he wants to say.

I let him talk as long as he wants to and I don't interrupt him with anything I'm thinking. There's no chance in hell I'm chasing away whatever has sparked to life inside of him. And even after he's exhausted himself with words and is just sitting back, staring out the window, there's a smile on his face that I don't want to ever disappear. I want him to stay this happy forever and I'm afraid to speak and shatter it all for him.

When the silence settles between us, it's a little awkward at first, and I wish I could say something that wouldn't crack the fragile happiness Danny's got going on. But he's the one to break the silence and suggests we play some of the CD's littering the floor of my car. It eases the tension I could feel settling in the pit of my stomach and when he makes fun of me for my music choices, I make fun of him for liking it anyway. And it feels good to joke with him.

Somewhere around the hour mark of the drive, we make a stop to fill up on gas and get some snacks for the road and Danny buys something tacky from a nearby tourist shop. He says it's cute but I think ugly is the better term for it and he rolls his eyes at my insults. And after we're done, it's just a long stretch of road until we're home. Just miles and miles of endless driving and even though we talk for the majority of the drive, I'm not blind to the exhaustion pulling at Danny's features. With every song, he seems to sag against the passenger window just a little more and I let him sleep. I keep the music playing but I turn the volume down when Danny finally drifts off.

After a while, the roads start looking familiar and once we're back inside Amity Park, I find the way to the high school easily. One glance at the parking lot tells me his Equus isn't there. Even though, I should probably wake him up to tell him we're back in Amity Park, I don't want to. Not yet. If I wake him up and he goes home, then this weekend is over. And I don't want it to end here. So I pull out of the lot and start driving.

The sound of my wheels against the road along with the familiar hum of music played from summer mixes Kwan and I made ages ago create the perfect background noise. I find myself stealing glances at Danny every now and then as he continues sleeping and I keep the car going so I don't wake him up. I don't care that I've been in the car for hours and that I spent most of today feeling like shit. I keep driving cause he's so beautiful when he sleeps.

* * *

I don't know how long I've been driving but the sun has dipped beneath the clouds while I've been steering my car down every back road in Amity Park. Danny's been sleeping against the window since I pulled into the parking lot for the school and I haven't disturbed him once. Mainly cause he looks incredibly fucking cute.

Danny starts stirring as I come to a crawl at a red light and he blinks open an eye, surveying the road and the inside of my car before he looks at me, raising an eyebrow. His gaze streaks down to the clock and he blinks several times before he sits upright.

"Shit." He smooths down the side of his shirt where it's been hitched up for the past hour or so – not that I've fucking noticed – and shrugs his hoodie on. "Shit, Dash. It's past seven, why are we… how long was I asleep?"

I shrug, tapping the gas pedal when the light changes. Instead of turning down another back road, I keep the car going forward this time, reluctantly prepared to take him home. I don't want to see him go yet but I've had him to myself for long enough.

"Couple hours," I respond with a shrug. "You looked so exhausted, I just kept driving and let you sleep." I glance at him when he groans and I raise an eyebrow. "Why? Should I have woken you?"

Danny nods, scrubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands. "Yes. I told my mom I'd be home hours ago. She's probably freaking out." He digs his phone from his pocket and freezes as the screen refuses to light up. " _Fuck_ , the battery's dead!" He glances at me, his eyes wide and I one-handedly pull my phone from my pocket.

"Here, use mine," I hold it out to him and he quickly takes it. For a few seconds, he just stares down at the screen before he remembers what he's supposed to be doing. He types in the passcode but hesitates on dialing his mom's phone.

Several long seconds pass in silence before he clicks the screen off and wordlessly sets it on the center console. I glance from the phone to him, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. It sounded urgent but he… didn't even use my phone?

"Not gonna call her?" I question, taking the turn onto the road that leads to his house.

Danny presses his mouth into a thin line, shaking his head as he keeps his gaze out the windshield. I want to ask him why not but I don't know if that'd be okay. I've pushed him before, I don't want to repeat it.

"You uhh… you gonna tell me why?" I ask, waiting for the inevitable shake of his head.

He surprises me by pushing out a breath and running it through his hair. "She… can wait. I'll deal with it when I get home," he mumbles. He glances up at the road and sits up a little straighter in his seat. "Turn left when you hit the light," he says, even though I've already hit my turn signal.

When I make the turn, he instructs me on what to do next even though I already know. Giving me directions seems to ease the tension I can see in his body so I let him, pretending that I don't have the way to his house memorized already.

By the time we reach his house, the tension has almost completely left him. He's still hesitant as I roll my car to a stop at the edge of his driveway and he doesn't seem to want to leave my car. He closes his hand around the door handle and lets out a breath, stealing a glance at me from under his fringe.

"Um…" he trails off, seeming unsure of what to say.

I'm hesitant too but for an entirely different reason. Still, I find bravery hidden somewhere in the depths of my soul, and I draw on that for this moment. Where I lean across the seats and tug him into my arms instead of against my lips.

Danny relaxes into my touch, breathing out a sigh of relief. "Sorry, I don't… I don't know what to say. I hope… you had fun these past few days. I know I have."

I hold him tighter as a way of response, knowing that words would be better. For once, I don't have the energy to hate myself for not speaking. Cause he's warm in my arms and I let myself be selfish for a few moments while I hold him for longer than a friend should.

It's a little awkward when we pull away from each other but I keep my gaze downcast until I manage to corral the butterflies in my gut back in their cage where they belong.

Danny meets my gaze as soon as I look up, his eyebrows pinched together. "Are you okay?"

I wish he wouldn't ask me that question. I don't know the difference between okay and not anymore. I'm wrecked from the phone call with mom. I feel better from everything Anastasia told me. The anger is gnawing at my bones as I stare at Danny, knowing what he told me about his ex-boyfriend last night. I feel on top of the fucking world cause my team won the championship game and Coach thinks I'll be getting more college offers… Summing up my emotional state into one word feels like it'll cheapen my experiences these past few days.

There's nothing for me to say to tell him how I feel so I offer a shrug and twist the keys from the engine. Evening has really settled in now and it's dark as we leave my car. We quietly move to the trunk of my car to get his bag and though he reaches the trunk first, he waits for me.

I twist the keys into the trunk and open it for him before I step back. I stand there in silence and fidget with my phone, checking and re-checking the time, while he gets out his bag. He struggles with it for a second before he steps back and slams the trunk closed. Danny takes the keys from the lock and hands them over to me, offering up a smile.

"I really did have fun with you, Dash. A-And Alex's family too, they were really nice," he says, leaning against my car, that same peaceful smile still on his face.

After a few seconds of watching him, I lean against the car too, pushing out a breath with a nod. I want to repeat his words back to him, tell him that I had fun with him too and that I fucking love Alex and his family but I don't. The words don't push to the front of my tongue easily and even if they did, I'd swallow them back.

"Yeah," is what I manage to cough out.

I know Danny's concerned. I can feel it in the way he hesitates before placing a hand on my arm. I can see it in the way the lines on his face pull deeper with the frown that disrupts his peaceful expression. I can almost taste it in the way his breath trembles as he starts to speak.

"Dash, I… want you to know… I-"

The front door to his house swings open and his whole face goes white. He drops his hand from my arm and stumbles back a step.

"Shit," he swears, darting a glance up to his front door. He grips the strap of his bag tighter and looks like he's ready to bolt when his mom starts down the stairs but he surprises me by staying put. He exhales out a low breath, leaning against my car again. "Prepare yourself," he mumbles, and I turn to glance at him just as his mom comes to a stop in front of us. She's a tall, lean woman, with a seriously pissed off expression. She's wearing a blue shirt, the sleeves pushed up over her elbows, and her jeans are slightly faded. Her short, red hair is cropped to her chin and though Danny has her frame, it's obvious from a glance that he takes after his dad instead of her.

She spares me a look before she's focused on her son, her arms folding over her chest.

"You have a lot of explaining to do," she says, apparently not concerned about lecturing him in front of his friends. She raises an eyebrow when he looks up at her. "I  _told_  you not to go away this weekend, Danny. What, did you think I wouldn't notice you were gone?"

"You don't usually," Danny mumbles, immediately sinking his teeth into his bottom lip as soon as the words leave his mouth.

Mrs. Fenton looks like he just slapped her. Her arms fall limply to her sides and for a second, it's silent between the three of us – save for the rustling of the trees and the grass beneath our feet.

Danny scratches the back of his head and I wonder if the silence is prickling across his skin the way it is mine. Making the night feel warmer than it is. Stirring the tension in his gut the way it threatens to in me.

"Look… I'm sorry," he says, turning to look at his mom. "I'll be inside in a second, okay?"

Her stare drifts from her son to me and I can't help but feel like I'm being scrutinized. I try to seem taller or stronger but the almost-glare she's fixed me with prevents me from moving an inch.

"You're Dash?" she asks, my name practically a swear on her lips. I wonder how much Danny's told her about me. Or how much his dad knows. I've never met his mother before and I can't help but feel like I'm making a horrible first impression.

"Y-Yeah," I stammer out, itching to hold my hand out to her. I feel like I should shake her hand. Say that I've heard a lot about her or that it's nice to finally meet her but from the way Danny's tensed up beside me, I can't find the words I should say.

Mrs. Fenton barely spares me a glance longer than a few seconds before her attention is focused elsewhere. She looks at Danny again but continues to address me. "So  _you're_  the one that Danny's willing to break rules for? Just how did you manage to get him to do that?"

" _Mom_ ," Danny stresses, shaking his head when she looks at him. "Come on, j-just give me a minute to say goodbye and I'll be inside, okay?"

She gives him a look like he's had long enough with me but after a few seconds of a staring contest, Mrs. Fenton starts away from us. She doesn't go back inside the house, hovering on the porch instead, and Danny groans.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, stepping back a little further so the back of my car conceals him almost entirely. He shakes his head, nibbling on his lower lip again, and throwing another glance toward the porch. "God, I'm so sorry. She's just really… intense sometimes."

"Yeah, seems like it," I say with a humorless laugh, running my fingers through my hair.

Whenever Danny talked about his mom before, it was fleeting conversation and without a lot of details about her. I feel like now that I've seen her, everything should make sense and I should understand why he's careful around her but I don't get it.

He hesitates a second before shrugging his bag off and setting it on my trunk. He opens his arms for another hug and I easily step into the embrace, tugging him against my chest. He fits his chin over my shoulder and turns his head slightly to the side, probably watching his mom.

I run my hands up his back, my fingers dancing over his spine, and he relaxes under my touch. A quiet breath leaves him and his hands curl around the fabric of my t-shirt. For a few seconds, I hold him tighter and he trembles just a little before relaxing.

"M'gonna… have to talk to her tonight," he mumbles, releasing the fistful of fabric and smoothing out my shirt. His voice shakes as he talks but he continues anyway. "I don't… want to. But I guess there's no avoiding this."

Danny feels too small in this moment, too tense to let go of, but I make myself do it. Cause he needs to go and I have to give him the space required to do so. Even if leaving him is the last thing I want to do, I make myself do it.

"Okay," I say. Bravery sparks alive in my chest and I reach a hand up to brush my thumb over his cheek. One corner of his mouth lifts and all of the shit this weekend and the tension growing in the pit of my stomach is worth that smile. "Text me when she's finished chewing you out?"

A laugh escapes him and he glances toward the porch with a sigh. I want to follow his line of sight back there and see her, try to guess what her expression looks like, but I keep my gaze on the boy in front of me. When he won't look away from her, I take his hand in my mine and gently pull until he gives in.

"You've got this," I mumble, feeling the tell-tale signs of a flush creeping across my cheeks. It's the truth though. He's got this. Whatever his parents or life or shitty ex-boyfriends do to him isn't enough to destroy him. I refuse to let the world crush this beautiful soul standing in front of me.

Danny smiles then, a real smile, and he nods. He looks like he wants to pull me into another hug but instead, he takes a step back and I drop my hands from him, my fingers instantly wanting to hold him again. He lifts his bag from the trunk and gives me a final smile before he starts trudging for the front porch.

I only watch him for a few seconds before I climb into the driver's seat of my car and start the engine. Halfway up the stairs, Danny turns around to give me a wave when I pull out of the driveway. I return it before I'm focused on the road again.

Danny's got his shit to deal with and I've got mine. Too bad we couldn't have just given a mental middle finger to our problems and just spent another few days at that hotel. Then again, If I'd had a few more time with him, that selfish part of me would have come out and I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from pressing my lips to his and making him forget his own name.

* * *

The light is on the living room when I get home and dad's car is parked in the driveway. I ease my car in beside his and kill the engine, letting out a pent-up breath as I stare at the house. I don't want to go in there tonight. But I don't want to run from this either.

Finding strength from somewhere inside of myself, I manage to get out of my car and grab my bag. I hesitate on the sidewalk in between my car and the house but after a few seconds of silence, I drag in a breath, find the key to the house on my keyring and continue up the sidewalk.

Turning the lock sounds so loud in my ears but I force myself to push the door open and step inside. Something's cooking, I can smell it in the air, and I do a quick sweep of the living room before I push the door closed behind me. The room's empty but dad's inside here somewhere.

I force myself to make a lot of noise, swinging my keys as I walk, practically stomping my feet as I toe my shoes off, and slowly, I make my way further into the house and toward the kitchen.

Dad's standing in front of the stove, stirring a pot of something, and it's like I'm seeing him for the first time in a long time. He's dressed in a dark blue polo shirt, jeans on, and feet bare as he whistles in front of the stove, oblivious to his kid standing a few feet from him.

He taps the spoon against the side of the pot and sets the spoon off to the side of the stove. Dad slides on a pair of oven mitts and lifts the pot from the stove, carrying it over to the sink where he drains the pasta he's made.

I swallow hard, feeling the tension pricking at my skin. I want to turn and escape upstairs before he can see me. Before he can get angry and I'll end up bruised again. But I'm tired of running and hiding out until he's gone.

Dad turns when I clear my throat and his eyebrows rise on his forehead. After a second of hesitation, he seems to remember that he's supposed to be draining the pasta cause he sets the pot on the counter as he shakes water out of the strainer.

He dumps the pasta back into the pot before turning around to glance at me. His stare almost makes me freeze and I find it hard to take a small step forward.

"Haven't seen you around lately," are the first words he speaks to me and he quickly turns his back as soon as he's said them. He adds a few things to the pot, stirring the noodles quickly before he returns to the stove to cut off the burner under a pot of sauce.

I manage to take another small step into the kitchen and I count it as a victory. Cause I want to just run and hide under my covers for the remainder of the weekend until I can escape to school for a couple hours. But I'm not running and I'm not hiding. I'm standing in the kitchen, having an almost-conversation with him instead.

"Yeah… th-there was a game," I mumble, running a hand down my face before he turns to glance at me. I drop my hand back by my side, shoving it deep into my pocket when I feel the need to fidget. "An… away game, the um… the championship game so…"

Dad raises an eyebrow when he looks at me but his gaze doesn't linger on me for long. He runs a cloth along the counter, wiping up water he spilled from the pot or maybe earlier on during cooking, before he looks back at me.

"Did you win?"

My throat constricts on the question but I nod. I think I even manage a halfway decent smile. He's actually asking me about the game. I think he cares about this kind of shit, he just doesn't know how to show it. At least… that's what I tell myself. "Yeah… yeah, we did."

Dad nods once and I pretend that's enough. He turns back to the stove and slides the oven mitts back on, lifting the pot from the stove and adding the sauce in with the noodles. He gives the whole thing a stir before he deems it done and turns to me.

"I made spaghetti, if you want some," he says, his gaze on me for longer than it's been since I stepped into the kitchen. It makes my skin prickle like it was earlier – when I was standing in between Danny and his mom.

The invite is clear in dad's tone and I could probably go for some food. Other than a few snacks Danny and I picked up when we stopped for gas around midday, I haven't had anything since breakfast with Alex. I should accept the invitation and set the table. Sit with him and talk about meaningless shit. Like we used to.

I want to be able to agree and just let this tension between us go. Cause I know it'll just keep building until one of us snaps. Most likely him. And the tension will finally break with bruises on my skin and harsh words spat at me like rocks thrown at my glass bones.

"I… already ate," I lie, feeling that bravery from this weekend evaporate from me in a single instant. I'm standing in the kitchen with dad, carrying on a conversation like I wasn't in the hospital two weekends ago cause of his hands. Cause of what he did to me.

The reality of this situation is clawing at my insides, begging me to get away, and I try my best to hold my ground. To just keep my feet planted firmly and face up to my demons. But I don't know how to stand up against someone that used to cheer me on at little league games and carried me on his shoulders whenever we'd go to the fair.

How does someone that once cared so fucking much for me make the breath stick in my throat just by the sight of him?

I take a small step backward, that bravery long gone, and I awkwardly nod toward the living room. "I'm just gonna take a shower and probably do some studying. …Th-Thanks though," I mumble, quickly taking my exit. I don't give dad a chance to respond before I'm grabbing my bag and shoes from the living room and starting up the stairs.

My hands are trembling a little as I gather up my clothes for a shower and I practically sprint across the landing and into the bathroom.  _God, how can he still fuck with me this badly?_

This weekend was supposed to be a good one. I was supposed to return home triumphant and standing proud. Not some shell of who I was before I left, beaten down by not only dad but mom too. I've always tried to be a son they could be proud of but… I wonder if I've ever been the reason for their pride.

* * *

I practically collapse onto my mattress as soon as I get out of the shower. I try to figure out my homework a little but I really am exhausted so I give up after a few minutes.

Even though I'm sure insomnia's been lying in wait to fuck with me, I cut out my light and crawl under my covers in the hopes of falling asleep. Dad's watching television downstairs and the sound is more comforting than it should be. I've guess I've gotten used to being alone with only my thoughts as company because hearing dad downstairs, and knowing that it's not just me in the house, lets me relax and I can feel the tension from the day slowly slip away from me.

I'm exhausted but not to the point of sleep so I end up scrolling through notifications on my phone. There are a fuckton of notifications from snapchat and I let the app load before I groan. Of course over half of these are from Kwan.

The first one almost makes me chuck my phone across the room but I settle for furiously blushing as I swear under my breath.

It's a picture of Kwan standing in the lobby, half of his grinning face in the foreground of the photo. In the background is Danny standing with Alex's family, smiling at whatever Alex is telling him, and I actually want to kill Kwan for his caption of,  _'leaving ur boyfriend alone? How rude ;p"_

My face must be really fucking red cause I can feel the heat practically starting a fire against my pillow. Goddamn you, Kwan.

I settle for pointedly ignoring his first message and scrolling through the rest. A lot of the pictures he's sent me are more of the same really, pictures taken secretly, but thankfully the first one is the only one of Danny. There's one of a player for Lincrest's team, almost naked as he swims in the hotel's pool, a tight speedo being the only thing keeping him from skinny-dipping. The photo's a little shaky and taken from a high angle, giving me the impression that Kwan literally snapped the photo on the run and I snort at the mental image, glancing over his caption before the photo has a chance to disappear.  _"He's so hot, help?"_

Once I've cleared away the notifications from snapchat, I browse Facebook for a while, occasionally ticking the like button on status updates and photos shared by my teammates. Most of the updates are about the game but some are just talking about the size of hotel rooms or drunken, rambling posts probably made last night.

In the middle of reading Jeff's post about how this weekend has gone, my phone lights up with a new text message. I hate myself a little for the hope that springs awake in my chest at the thought of it being Danny. And just a little extra hatred eeks out of me when I realize how disappointed I am that it isn't from him.

**From: Keith**

_**Hey, can I ask you something?** _

**To: Keith**

_**What's up?** _

I drum my fingers along the sides of my phone and wait while he takes a decade and a half to type. When nothing appears on my screen for over five minutes, I close out of the conversation and open Facebook again, hitting like on Jeff's post before I scroll further down my timeline.

Another text lights up my phone and I continue browsing Facebook. Somewhere down my timeline, there's a post I almost miss. Cause it's just Paulina talking about the game and how great the weekend was but… Danny's name is sprinkled among the others that have hit like on the post.

What the fuck…? When did they add each other on Facebook? Why have I just now noticed this?

I don't know why the fuck I've never searched for him before or why the hell I hesitate so long but I tap on his name and wait while his profile loads up. His picture is a photo of him and his sister, both sticking out their tongues and grinning up at the camera. The cover photo on his profile is of several constellations and I'm not even surprised. It fucking fits with him, the way that a photo of my car fits on my profile.

A lot of Danny's information is hidden and Facebook prompts me to send him a friend request if I want to see his full profile. The most I can see about him is that he's currently attending Casper High. Which I already fucking know.

I chew on my thumbnail and repeatedly move to tap the add friend option, somehow talking myself out of it every time. After the fifth or sixth time, I can't stop myself and I tap the button before I can talk myself out of it.

The request sends off and I exhale out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. God, it's just fucking Facebook, why does the thought of adding him to my friends list make my heart pound?

When another text comes through from Keith, I reluctantly close out of Danny's profile and return to my text messages, rolling onto my back so I can respond to whatever my teammate's sent me.

**From: Keith**

_**Just curious… what'd you think of the conversation last night on the balcony? About Danny and Kwan giving up dating until after high school?** _

**From: Keith**

_**Not that it's really any of my business but… don't you think that's a little soon to give up on dating? It's not like whoever they meet in high school automatically means they HAVE to keep dating through college and onward but… what do you think?** _

Honestly, hearing Danny say that he was done dating until he's in college tore at the tiny shred of hope I had of ever being with him. But hearing him talk about his ex-boyfriend just kinda solidified it for me. He's really  _not_  in a place to be dating. And as badly as I want to hold him in my arms and call him mine, it wouldn't be fair. Cause he doesn't want to be anyone's right now.

**To: Keith**

_**I think given everything Danny told us, it's understandable** _

Those words kill me to stare at and after a few seconds, I can't stomach looking at them anymore. I start to add something else but Keith beats me to it, sending off several texts rapid-fire before I have a chance to respond.

**From: Keith**

_**Okay, fine. Danny's got his reasons. But what about Kwan?** _

_**He told me about Jared so… I mean, I kind of get it** _

_**But it's still kinda early to give up, don't you think?** _

I scrub a hand down my face, waiting until his messages stop before I type out my response. Given the shit that went down with Jared, Kwan's reasoning is pretty understandable too. Paulina and I hooked up with other people all the time at parties but it never stung for me the way it did for Kwan. Probably cause Paulina and I knew we were a fucking train wreck together.

**To: Keith**

_**I guess. But whatever makes him happy is good enough for me** _

Kwan's been my best friend since we were kids and I mean what I send back to Keith. I really only want the best for Kwan and if giving up dating is what'll do it for him, that's fine with me.

**From: Keith**

_**But what if someone could make him happy?** _

It takes me a few seconds longer than it should but it finally fucking clicks why Keith was so argumentative on the balcony last night. And why he's texting me trying to figure out where my best friend's head is at in this whole mess.

**To: Keith**

_**Are you telling me you like Kwan?** _

**From: Keith**

_**WHAT** _

_**I never said that, I'm just concerned** _

_**Cause he deserves to be happy, I just want to make sure he knows he doesn't have to be alone to be happy, he just has to find the right person to be happy with** _

I'm almost choking over the laughter I'm trying to keep quiet so dad doesn't hear me. I don't know why it took me so fucking long to realize that Keith has a fucking crush on Kwan but it's so fucking  _obvious_  now. He likes Kwan, of  _course_ he likes Kwan.

**To: Keith**

_**Keith, you're a shit liar** _

**From: Keith**

_**I'm not lying!** _

_**I'm just looking out for him** _

I'm still quietly snickering over the pathetic responses he keeps sending me but I'm distracted when a notification from Facebook at the top of my screen stops me almost mid-snort.

_Danny Fenton has accepted your friend request!_

Shit, shit, shit, fucking shit. I didn't expect him to accept so soon. Fuck, he's gonna be able to see all the stupid shit I've posted in the past and everything my teammates put on my wall and anything Kwan decides to tag me in and-

I expel out a breath, quickly opening the Facebook app. Danny's profile loads as soon as I tap it and I quickly scroll through what I can see in his information now. Aside from telling me that he's a student at Casper High, his profile now boasts that he's a junior member of Amity Park Space Observers and links to the profile's of his family members.

Slightly disappointed at how sparsely he's filled out his information, I click on his wall just to check. Maybe he's posted about this weekend, who knows.

I'm fucking ashamed at how fast I freeze at the photo he was recently tagged in, less than three days ago. It's one that his friend Tucker shared and his caption is talking about how long it's been since he hung out with Danny in person but I can't focus on the nostalgia his friend is trying to inject his caption with. Cause in the photo Danny, Tucker, and the girl they used to hang out with – I think Danny said her name was Sam – are all in a pool somewhere, grinning up at whoever took the photo. And Danny's f-fucking shirtless.

The noise that leaves my mouth is  _awful_  and I run a hand down my face, trying to convince myself that I have no fucking right to want him this much.  _Fuck, he's too fucking cute_ … fuck, he really is. Shit, no, I shouldn't be focused on that right now. He literally just told me that he's not interested in dating again until college. My chance is pretty much gone. I need to stop thinking about him  _now_.

I want to scroll down further on his wall and see everything that's been said to him recently but I close out of the app, mainly cause I'm afraid I'll pop a boner if I keep staring at that image. Studying his throat and collarbones and  _fuck._

Somehow, I resist opening the app again and try to focus on the texts Keith's sending me. But I can't, my mind is far from Keith and his inner crush revelation. If Danny's on to accept my friend request, that must mean his mom's finished lecturing him. Damn, sure took her long enough.

I have the sense to send Keith a text that's just the emoji with its tongue stuck out before I open up Danny's conversation instead. The last text I have from him is when I asked him come to meet me after the game. Staring at that message reminds me of how I felt when he stood between my knees and unknowingly stirred more than just butterflies in me.

_Fucking chill out, you have no right to get a boner over a friend._

After a few seconds of hesitation, and making sure that I'm not about to get a hard-on just from staring at his fucking name, I slowly tap out a message to Danny. I second guess myself a shit ton of times, like always, but I eventually hit send.

**To: Danny**

_**You never texted me to tell me your mom was done with you ;p** _

I try to pretend that I'm not nervously watching for those three dots to appear on his end but… I'm fucking watching for those dots. Cause it'd mean he's typing back and I really hope he's able to talk for at least a few minutes.

Watching to see if he can talk is one thing but I'm fucking staring at the text I sent him for longer than I should be letting myself. It only takes me a couple of seconds to convince myself that I'm being pathetic and I reluctantly open the conversation with Keith instead.

**From: Keith**

_**I'm not lying!** _

_**I'm just looking out for him** _

_**Friends do that, you know that** _

**To: Keith**

_**;p** _

**From: Keith**

_**Shut up!** _

_**I'm his friend, we're just teammates, Dash.** _

_**Don't tell him about this conversation, okay?** _

_**Please?** _

_**C'mon, don't do this** _

_**Yes, okay? I like him a lot, is that such a surprise?** _

_**You're his best friend, you know how kind and interesting he is** _

_**Dash, please at least tell me this. Do you think I have any chance with him?** _

I feel more than a little guilty at ignoring his past messages. He sounds really freaked out. I know exactly the same things that are probably running through his head right now cause it's the way I'm thinking of Danny. Wish there was one of Danny's friends I could talk to and find out if I have even a fraction of a chance of being with Danny.

**To: Keith**

_**Relax, man, I won't tell Kwan anything** _

_**I don't think Kwan would give up dating for longer than a month or two cause that's just who is. But honestly, I don't know what he thinks of you. I can subtly try to feel out the situation for you** _

Keith doesn't respond immediately and I wonder if he's dropped off asleep already. It's not even ten yet but I'm sure he's exhausted. The day's probably been just as long for him as it has for me.

I try to type something else, offer up some kind of support but Danny's responded to my text and I'd be a fucking liar if I said I didn't completely abandon Keith's conversation to go to Danny's instead.

**From: Danny**

_**Yeah, sorry. She ran out of steam a while ago but my dad wanted to hear about my weekend and I had to plug up my phone to charge** _

I chew on my lower lip, trying to come up with a response that sounds cool without being too eager. As it is, I'm mentally counting the seconds in my head to gauge how long you're supposed to wait before you respond to a text message. A minute is still too eager but I can't make myself wait much past two.

**To: Danny**

_**Oh, cool. I thought your mom was mounting your head on the wall or smthn lmao** _

I've never been one to resort to chat speak but it makes me feel like I'm less invested in this conversation than I actually am. It makes me feel like my response is cool. Which it definitely isn't but that's not the point.

**From: Danny**

_**How's your night been since you got home?** _

_Fuck_. Why does a simple question about my day make me feel fucking  _filled_  with butterflies? They're not just in my stomach anymore, they've escaped and they're dancing inside my heart and through my veins – making me almost giddy as I type back.

**To: Danny**

_**Not bad. Just took a shower and crashed on my bed after** _

_**I tried to do some homework but my brain's dead** _

Keith responds to our conversation and I push down the part of myself that tells me I should check it. Instead, I continue chewing on my thumbnail and staring at Danny's conversation, waiting for a response.

Downstairs, I hear dad cut the television off and everything in me tenses up. I strain my ears to hear if he's gonna head up here or not. It's almost silent but I hold my breath, listening for the tell-tale creak of the stairs under his weight. It's quiet for five minutes or so and I take that as a good sign, relaxing back against my pillow.

**From: Danny**

_**Ahhh, you need your amazing tutor to come by tomorrow and help you? ;p** _

**To: Danny**

_**Maybe** _

Fuck, I want to invite him over tomorrow. Just let him into my bedroom and hang out with him. I know that as soon as we're alone, I'd find the bravery needed to plant kisses along his hairline and tell him that he's beautiful, regardless of how scarred he is.

But he  _is_  scarred. And as much as I want him over in my be- my  _room_ … I can't ask him to come around when I know that the awkward tension between us would only lead to him asking if I'm okay when I'm supposed to ask  _him_  that. Cause he's the one that's been dealing with all of his shit in secret. I've bitched to my teammates and Kwan more times than I can count. I thought I knew strength cause I was opening up but Danny… smiling and laughing with us at the beach and on this trip while suffering such a hard fucking pain. That's strength.

**To: Danny**

_**How about on Monday during our spares instead?** _

I close out of Danny's conversation and push out a breath. I want to ignore my phone for the rest of the night but I convince myself to open up Keith's text before I do.

**From: Keith**

_**Yeah, I'd appreciate that. Thanks, Dash** _

I'm not sure if I deserve that thanks or not. Cause I don't know what the fuck to tell Kwan and my mind's not really on Keith anymore. As much as I like my teammate, he's the least of my worries right now.

After a few seconds, I close out of the conversation with Keith, and I kill the sound on my phone before I slip it under my pillow. I can't think anymore. I just want to go to sleep and pretend that I'm not still listening for dad's footsteps or thinking about the phone call from mom. And I really wanna fucking pretend that I'm not wishing the pillow I'm clutching against my chest was Danny's body instead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeyyooo readers!
> 
> Sorry this took a while to get out there. I've been so beyond busy, it's crazy. Also Nanowrimo has started so I'm like fucking swamped. But I've written over 28k on this fic in the past eight days so that's something at least?
> 
> Anyway, welcome back to the angst! There's lots of fluff in this chapter to make up for the angst that Dash went through in last chapter. I felt like he deserved some little fluffy moments here and there because I put him through HELL in so many other chapters lmao
> 
> So our precious quarterback has now come out to a grand total of 4 people. If only he was out to Danny too, huh? Then everything would be okay… I mean not really cause poor Danny's not in a place to really date and because I'll never give these boys any kind of happiness. I mean…
> 
> Uhh hey, Dash has finally met Maddie Fenton! What do you think of that and of how she's acting with Danny? I'd love to hear any speculations you have, it's really fun to see what you guys are thinking
> 
> Also, Tatiana calls Dash cariño at one point which should translate to "sweetie." I hope that's correct but if not, don't sue me, I don't speak the language. I just really like having Tatiana call him pet names cause it's adorable
> 
> The title of this song comes from Story of My Life by One Direction. Technically, it's from the cover by Alexis Blue but you get the point. When I wrote this chapter, I knew that would be the perfect lyric for it cause it just fits so perfectly with the scene where Dash is driving around Amity Park while Danny sleeps
> 
> Anyway, that's all I really have to say for this chapter. Thanks so much for reading and be sure to let me know what you thought of this update in the comments and reviews! Or hit me up on tumblr, I really appreciate hearing from you guys. I hope you've enjoyed it!
> 
> Next chapter, look forward to Dash's birthday, REO Speedwagon, and a ghost plush... See you all next update!


	60. Closer Than I Ever Thought I Might

I basically sleep through Sunday, intermittent with what little homework I manage to get done and bingeing on Supernatural. Dad's gone for most of the day which leaves me with a lot of time alone. I spend most of the day wondering if I want him at home with me only to lock myself away in my room the second his car pulls into the driveway.

Monday is exhausting. I hit snooze on my alarm three times and end up having to run out the door to avoid missing class. I get to Biology late and Ms. Anderson pounces, ready to read me the riot act for being late again. But she must see the exhaustion on my face because she doesn't say more than a simple warning. And I slink off to my seat for an hour of torture on a subject I couldn't give less of a shit about.

I pretend like I'm taking notes while I'm listening to the lesson but I'm mainly just doodling cars in the corner of my notebook. When the bell rings, and everyone starts gathering their stuff, Ms. Anderson calls my name and I pretend I'm deaf before merging with the crowd headed for the door.

Most of the day passes like that. I'm barely paying attention in class and before long, the bell for lunch rings. Jeff catches up to me in the hall and he's practically bouncing as he walks next to me, grinning from ear to ear.

He's rambling on about getting reservations to a restaurant downtown that Star has been wanting to go to and I tease him just a little. He's so excited though, my teasing does little to faze him. It still elicits an eye-roll and him flipping his middle finger up at me so I guess that's good enough.

Most of our teammates along with Paulina and Star are already at our table but Danny isn't yet. I tell Jeff I'll wait in the hallway for him but he quickly convinces me to just wait at the table for him. So I fall in line behind Jeff while he starts talking again about how excited he is to take Star to this restaurant.

I think he can tell I'm barely listening because I'm scanning the cafeteria, trying to pick Danny out from the crowd. And Jeff scoffs when I look up at him. I start to apologize but he won't hear it.

"Just send him a text, man," Jeff shoves my shoulder, giving me a look when I hesitate. "Dude, seriously."

I slide my phone from my pocket and quickly find Danny's conversation, tapping out a text just to see if I've missed him. Not that he  _has_ to sit with me at lunch but he's become a regular at our table. And in the past, my teammates and I wouldn't let just anybody sit with us. So… it's only right that he shows up. It lets everybody else know that it's  _his_ table now too.

**To: Danny**

_**Hey, I'm in the cafeteria and I don't see you. Coming to eat with us or did you get a better offer haha** _

I nervously chew on my fingernails while I wait in line behind Jeff and all the way to the table, wondering if Danny's disappeared for the day or if I missed him or something. I hope he's not gone for the rest of the day… it's not like I need him here. It's just that… I need help on my algebra homework. That's what it is. My  _homework_.

**From: Danny**

_**Haha, no better offer! Just went out for a little bit. History ended earlier than it usually does for me so I'm not in school right now. About to head back though! Still want me during our spare?** _

Do I still want him? Of course I fucking want him. But I know that what I'm thinking and what he's thinking are two entirely different things. And it's not fair of me to even hint at that with him. He's not interested in dating until college. I have no right to tell him what I feel for him.

I wonder where he went to instead of hanging around for lunch. Maybe he went down to that hotdog place he showed me just outside of Amity Park. Or maybe he just went for a drive. I don't want to push him so I don't ask. And I pretend that I'm just gonna be around my friends for lunch and not think about him. Even though that's all I'll ever do.

**To: Danny**

_**Yeah, I do. See you when you get here** _

* * *

I go to the library even before the bell rings to let us know that lunch is over. I don't know why I'm nervous but I am. It's flaring up inside my chest like this is the first time I'll be seeing him. I haven't known him that long but the thought of seeing him makes me nervous.

The librarian behind the counter gives me a look as I come inside but I do my best to ignore her. I'm usually walking in here with Danny so I guess she's assuming I'm not here to actually study but whatever.

I spread my math books and some paper to work the problems on across the table and I settle down at one chair, immediately pulling out my phone to browse the internet until Danny gets here. I'd like to at least get started on my homework and have something to show for it but I'm pretty much a lost cause without Danny here so what's the point?

The bell rings in the hall and I barely look up from my phone, chewing on my bottom lip as I tick boxes on some lame quiz Kwan sent me on Facebook forever ago. It's not until the library doors open ahead of me that I look up.

Danny's walking inside, his backpack on and his phone in his hand. He looks up and sees me, grinning widely before he puts his phone away. I suddenly feel unprepared for him and I try to straighten the books and papers on the table, attempting to make an effort for him.

"Hey," he breathes, collapsing into the chair across from me and putting his backpack in the chair next to him. He unzips the bag and pulls out his own algebra notebook along with some pencils and passes one over to me.

I take it from him and swap it between my hands before I set it down on the table and draw in a deep breath. I don't know if it's okay to ask him. I don't know if it's  _right_ to ask him. But I'm curious and if I don't make an ass of myself on the simple question, I don't think he'll care that I ask.

"Did you… um… I was just wondering where you went," I say softly, kicking myself for the hesitation between words. I don't want him to think that I'm hesitating because I don't care and I'm just trying to make awkward small talk. I  _do_  care. That's why there's a hesitation between my words. I care so damn much and I don't want to say the wrong thing.

Danny slowly zips his backpack and drags his stare away from it to look up at me. His teeth sink into his bottom lip for a second before he's letting out a low breath.

"I just… had an appointment. W-With my therapist," he says the last part in one breath, like he's ready for the words to just get out of him at this point. He drops his gaze almost as soon as he says it and I don't know how to react.

He clears his throat softly and looks up at me, a forced smile on his face. "So. Still having trouble with this bracketed stuff, huh?" he asks, his gaze dropping to my math book where he taps the eraser on his pencil against a problem. "You're usually okay with the rest of the problem but this part always trips you up."

"Yeah," I mumble, scratching the back of my head as he drags my textbook over to him to get a better look. A line of concentration creases between his brows and he chews on his bottom lip as he studies the problem.

Danny leans back in his chair, nodding once to himself before he reaches over for the blank paper lying on the table. "Okay. We'll start with problem three because it's the easiest one to explain. After that, I'll walk you through the more difficult ones and eventually you should get it," he says, already writing out the problem for me to work on the blank paper.

I could easily let this just become another study session between us but I feel like I know him too well. I feel like we've become too close for me to let things fall back into that uncomfortable silence I keep around other people.

"Hey, listen… I don't… care that you're in therapy," I say softly, and watch Danny's pencil come to a stop in the middle of the problem.

He slowly breathes out, looking up at me. He holds my gaze for a few seconds and I worry that I pushed it. But he nods and drops his gaze again and I guess that it's. If this felt anywhere close to normal, I'd assume that  _is_ it and just let the conversation drop there. But I think I know Danny better than that.

"Should I not have brought it up?" I ask, wondering if he wanted it to just be a quiet mention of the appointment and never be addressed.

Danny sighs, dropping his pencil on the table before he looks up at me again. "I don't know. Did you  _want_ to bring it up?" he asks, raising an eyebrow at my stunned silence. "What?"

I manage to swallow past my tongue that's suddenly too large for my mouth and I scramble for words – anything to make this better. "I uhh… I just wanted to make sure that you're okay," I respond, my voice quiet but not out of respect for the librarians or anyone else in here.

"Okay, well… I'm fine," he says, hesitating just a second before he nods and drops his gaze to the paper again. He doesn't pick the pencil up and I watch him in silence for a few seconds before he looks up at me again. "I don't like making a big deal out of it. I don't know if you've ever been to see a therapist but it's not like it's shown in movies and stuff. I don't lie on a couch or listen to calming ocean waves or anything. It's way more normal than that."

I don't know what to say in response and I don't know if he's expecting something from me or not so I just nod. He seems to take that as a good enough answer and relaxes just a little under my gaze. He lets out a breath and darts his gaze away from me.

"Anyway… my appointments are usually after school but this week, I had to see her early cause of schedule stuff," he says, rolling his eyes before he shifts his gaze back to me. "Yeah. That's just… yeah."

I still don't know what to say but immediately diving into my math homework doesn't feel like the right thing to suggest. So I clear my throat and I try to muster up something from somewhere inside myself – the part that sometimes knows what to say.

"That makes sense. Being after school and all," I say, dragging in a breath and hoping for a shot of courage to course through my veins as I continue to talk. "I didn't mean that I don't care. I just meant that… it doesn't matter to me. It doesn't  _change_ anything to me. Therapy is… it sounds cool."

Danny smiles and it reaches his eyes, crinkling them up until they're half-moons and I almost lose myself somewhere between that starry smile and his quiet laughter.

"I don't know if I'd describe it as 'cool' but… it definitely helps," he says, smiling wider when I awkwardly laugh. "Thanks though. I appreciate that."

I bob my head in response and he shakes his before looking back down at the books spread across the table. "Okay… so, problem three?" he suggests, picking up his pencil again before he glances up at me.

He explains how to work the problem and I listen to everything he says, working the problem with him step by step until I've got it. He sets me up on problem one again and even though it takes me longer, I still manage to figure out the right answer with only a little guidance from him.

I'm halfway through problem four when the library doors open ahead of us and I glance up at the sound. Dale comes into the library and holds the door open for Mitch who quickly follows him inside.

Mitch starts for the back of the library but when he looks up and sees me, he almost stops. Dale comes up behind him and puts a hand on Mitch's shoulder, saying something in his ear that Mitch quickly nods at before they separate.

I drop my gaze back to my algebra book as Mitch passes by our table but Danny looks up. His brow furrows as he tries to place who that was but as soon as the recognition clicks on his face he glances over his shoulder.

Dale hesitates in place for a few seconds so I raise my hand in a small wave and he starts for our table. I gather up a couple of the books Danny and I aren't using and I stack them out of the way, clearing a space for Dale if he wants to sit with us for a while.

"I didn't know you and Mitch had this period free," I say, already knowing they don't. If Dale had any free periods this semester, he'd brag to all of us about it.

Dale smirks, shaking his head as he comes to a stop at the end of the table. "Nah, we don't. Just playing hooky for a while," he says, shoving his hands into the pockets on his jeans. His stare quickly shifts away from me and he looks to where Mitch disappeared.

For a few seconds, none of us make a move or say a word. But Danny breaks the silence when he pushes his chair back. He looks up when Dale lifts his head and Danny nods toward the back of the library. "I'm gonna see if Mitch wants me to take notes for him in history class."

Dale nods and pulls out the chair across from me, collapsing into it like the world's on his shoulders. I know that feeling. I live that feeling so many times. I glance over my shoulder to watch Danny go and Dale sighs heavily. He's got his head in his hands when I look back at him and he groans softly.

"I fucked up, Dash," he practically whispers, scrubbing his hands down his face with another groan. "Not like when we took the bus for a joyride and not like when my parents caught me smoking weed last summer. I  _really_ fucked up this time."

He drops his hands from his face to look up at me and swallows hard. "Mitch is… he's having a really hard time with all of this because of me," he says, dropping his gaze from mine as he shakes his head, turning his stare out into the library.

Words are lost on me. I don't know what he needs to hear and I don't know what I should be saying. I keep thinking of Danny. How Paulina fucking outed him in front of everyone during a pep rally. Danny's going after Mitch to tell him he's not alone in this.

I don't remember when it happened to Danny but I wonder if Mitch does. If Dale remembers. I wonder how they felt hearing something like that. I wish there was something I could say. I wish there were words buried deep in my soul that I'd find for this moment but there's nothing. I can't think of a damn thing to say.

"Sorry, man," is what tumbles from my mouth and as soon as Dale looks at me, I know it's wrong. It's too callous or distant coming from me. I'm supposed to be one of his friends. We've been on the same fucking team for four years. I should know him better than a simple ' _sorry.'_

Dale sighs again and shakes his head. "It's not… there's nothing to apologize for. It's my fault, Dash. I'm the one who fucked up but  _Mitch_ is the one paying the price," he says, glancing past me where Mitch disappears.

He shifts his gaze back to me and leans forward, lowering his voice as he speaks. "Today's been fucking awful for him. We left class cause some asshole made a slur and Mitch couldn't concentrate anymore," he hisses out, muttering swears under his breath before he continues. "I fucked everything up for him. And there's nothing I can do to fix it."

This deserves more than a sorry. This deserves the kind of words that heal – the kind that I don't have in me. If I had anything worth saying right now, I'd deliver it carefully. I'd take my time in telling him that everything would work out but the truth is, it probably won't. We live in a small-town. Guys like Mitch and Dale just don't survive here. Guys like  _me_  don't survive here.

"People are fucking assholes," I respond, continuing when he stays silent even though I have no clue what I'm supposed to say to make this better. "They don't have anything better to do with their time and… I'm sorry, man. I don't know what to tell you."

Dale looks up at my honesty and he nods before looking away again with a shrug. "There's nothing to say. I just… I wish I could take this weekend back. I wish I'd never gotten drunk or fuck – maybe I even wish we'd never won the fucking game. Maybe then I wouldn't have done what I did."

"At least you'll be out of here soon," I say, shrugging when he glances back at me. "Graduation's in a couple months. You think you guys can hang on till then?"

That drags a smile from Dale and he even snorts a little. "I don't know man. He's been all over the place since the party," his expression falls and he lets out a heavy sigh. "He called me six times over the weekend cause he was panicking about how bad today would be. And I kept telling him that everything would be fine but he was right. This is horrible and I'm fucking responsible for all of this."

"You're not the one making slurs and being an asshole. It's not your fault, Dale."

He sighs, shaking his head but holding my gaze. "Look, you don't get it. And it's not cause you're straight but cause you never had to deal with everyone suddenly knowing a secret part of yourself like this. When the guys and I heard about your dad, it came right from you. You got to  _choose_ to let us in but Mitch… he never got that choice. I took that choice from him."

Everything in me is on fire at Dale's words and my pinky finger is starting to tremble. I can't stop myself from talking even though I know this isn't about me. But I can't keep this in and it spills from me before I have a chance to hold any of it back.

"You think you guys are the only people in my life that have had to hear it, Dale? No, okay? There are plenty of people that I didn't get a choice in telling the truth to. Kwan fucking saw my dad punch me in the face after I lost a little league game. And Danny found out when I was in the  _hospital_ a couple weeks ago," I feel like I'm spitting the words at Dale from the look on his face and I know I should stop but I can't. It's all bubbling to the surface and I can't hold it back anymore. "And you know the garage I work at, Alex's? He figured it out after my dad left for a couple of weeks and wouldn't pay the power bill. And earlier this year some of the officers my dad works with were over at the house when he threw a fucking beer bottle at my face. They all saw it. And I have to look at them every time I'm at the station and we both pretend that none of them know the truth. So I get it, Dale. I really fucking get it."

Dale swallows hard and nods a couple of times, averting his gaze from me to avoid making eye-contact. I should stop there. I've said enough and he knows that he's not alone in this. There's no fucking reason for me to bring up the rest. But I do because I don't want him thinking that I only understand what he's going through because of my dad.

"And by the way, I'm bi."

It's the first time I've said it. A shortened version of it anyway. I couldn't say it with Alex and I couldn't even talk about it with Paulina and Kwan. But I've said it now. And even though Dale snaps his gaze to mine in an instant, looking at me like I've grown a second head, I said it. Despite my tongue being tied and my knees knocking together beneath the table.

" _Damn_ , Baxter," Dale says, leaning across the table to punch me on the arm. "Holy shit, dude. I never would have pegged you for that. I've always seen you sucking face with Paulina or some other cheerleaders at parties and stuff."

I shrug, my stomach bouncing up and down like it's on a fucking trampoline. "I mean… I still like girls, Dale. I just… like guys too."

"Since when?" he asks, rolling his eyes when I shrug. "Oh fine, keep all the juicy details from me. Hey, if you're looking for someone, I could set you up with my cousin."

I'm not sure that I do much more than blink but he laughs anyway, slouching back in his chair. "He always mentions how cute you are whenever he comes to watch the Ravens play. I promised I'd set you up with him if your gate ever swung his way."

"Uhh… th-thanks, Dale but I'm really not… looking for anything right now," I mumble and I make the mistake of looking over my shoulder. It's not like I expect Danny and Mitch to be standing there but I still breathe a sigh of relief when they're still hidden away somewhere in the stacks.

Dale's fucking grinning when I turn around to look at him and I scoff. "What?"

"You know what, Baxter. Someone's got himself a little crush, huh?" Dale asks, cackling when I splutter. "Oh my god, you actually do. Shit, dude, I didn't expect you to go for Fenton but I could see it."

 _He could see it?_  As in, we'd make sense together? He thinks we'd make a good match? Our personalities click? What can he see and could he point it out to me? Cause all I can see is Danny trying to get over his ex and me coming on too strong.

"Y-Yeah?" I ask, my voice several octaves higher than it usually is. Dale smirks and I lean across the table to punch him on the arm. "Shut the fuck up, like you have any room to talk. You're practically like a fucking puppy around Mitch."

He rolls his eyes. "Whatever you say, man."

I drop my gaze back to my textbook and pretend that I'm working out the next math problem. Even though the problem on my mind is Danny. And how the fuck I can get him to be with me without coming off like a total asshole.

"You want my advice?"

I push out a sigh and look up at him. I can feel the heat on my face and Dale's fucking grin isn't helping anything. I don't know why I expected Dale to be cool about this, he's a fucking child with secrets.

"No, I don't," I respond, immediately looking down at my book again. He keeps snickering every few seconds so I punch his arm again and he shuts up. My face is still red when I hear Danny's laughter coming from further in the library and I turn to the sound.

Dale makes kissy noises and I flip him off when I turn back to him. "Look, they're coming back soon and you'd better fucking behave," I hiss and he raises his hands in surrender. "I mean it, Dale. You pull something and I'll kick your ass."

"Like you could take me," Dale responds with a wicked grin. "Relax, though. I wouldn't do that to you. I'm pretty sure accidentally outing someone is something I can only do once. Your secret's safe with me."

I'm not sure if I trust Dale enough to keep his mouth shut from Mitch but at least for now, he'll keep it from Danny. Cause I'll come across the table and fucking  _strangle_ him if he doesn't.

* * *

Tuesday morning dawns and I'm awake before my alarm even goes off. I'm lying in my bed as the sun is slowly rising outside, thumbing through Facebook and snapchat when the notifications start. It's slow at first, just a text or two from Kwan and some of my teammates but within ten minutes or so, my phone won't stop vibrating with text messages and snapchat messages and notifications from Facebook.

**From: Kwan**

_**Happy Birthday!** _

**From: Jeff**

_**Yoooooooo man! You need someone to get drunk with tonight? Happy Birthday, dude!** _

**From: Anastasia**

_**Happy Birthday, Dash! You're finally eighteen, huh? Practically over the hill.** _

_**Don't think this means I'm gonna stop calling you squirt though ;)** _

I groan and switch my volume off, dropping my phone onto my face. I don't usually mind my birthday but in the past, mom's always been here to do something with me. We had a tradition of starting the day off with a slice of cake from Evan's bakery downtown. We'd get up early and drive downtown to get it before the sun even rose. We'd split it in the parking lot before mom had to drop me off at school and she'd keep me laughing so hard, I'd forget it was even my birthday at all. Even if that's all that happened on the day, at least she was here to share that moment with.

Time ticks by slowly around me and I'm too aware of the cold waiting for me outside my bed. It's the middle of November and the countdown to Thanksgiving has started. I've seen my teammates talking all over social media about their families flying or driving down to spend the holiday with them and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous. I wish mom was still here to celebrate the holiday with.

With a groan, I force myself up out of my bed and reluctantly shed my warm sweatpants and t-shirt for a semi-warm shower. I towel dry my hair and pad my way back into my room. It's stupid to pick out something special to wear just cause of what today is so I pretend I'm dressing to impress Danny. Which gives the butterflies way too much hope.

I settle on a pair of jeans I actually like, with a small hole torn just above the knee from a rather hands-on flag football game a couple months back, and a long-sleeved blue shirt that mom always liked. She used to say that it brought out my eyes. I don't know how true that is but I put it on anyway, with the hope that Danny will like it.

After I give myself a final glance over in the bathroom mirror, I don my letterman jacket and toe on my shoes. My backpack is the last addition to the ensemble before I head downstairs.

Dad's already left for the day and it's not like I expected any kind of acknowledgement from him. Still, I try not to let it sting when I take a glance around downstairs and see nothing left for me on my way out the door. It'd be nice if one of my parents let me know that they're thinking about me today.

I leave my house and lock up behind me. As soon as I'm in my car, I turn the heat on and flip through a couple of radio stations before I check the latest wave of text messages.

**From: Alex**

_**Happy Birthday, Dash :)** _

**From: Keith**

_**Happy Birthday!** _

**From: Star**

_**Happy Birthday!** _

**From: Valerie**

_**HAPPY BIRTHDAY!** _

**From: Paulina**

_**Hey Dash, hope you have a great birthday! If you're not busy today, I'd love to get a slice of cake with you :)** _

I wonder if she's mentioning that cause she knows it was my tradition with mom. This is the first year that she won't be here to fulfill it and I think that's what makes me respond to Paulina instead of any of the others.

**To: Paulina**

_**Think I'll skip the cake but thanks for the offer anyway** _

I could actually go for a slice of the godsend that is Evan's cake. But if mom's not here to eat it with me, it just wouldn't feel right. I'm probably supposed to give the thought of mom the mental finger and get myself a slice of goddamn cake but… I don't think I'd be able to stomach eating it alone.

* * *

On the way to school, I stop for coffee and order one for Danny too. At the last minute, I decide on starting the day off with a chocolate pastry that the barista convinces me to try. When she rings me up, she adds a little smiley face on the side of my cup.

I'm basically through with the pastry by the time I pull into the school parking lot but I've nursed my coffee. Even though I can see my teammates hanging around and talking with each other, I'm not ready to face the mass of birthday wishes I'll get the second they see me.

I stay in my car, slouched down in the seat as I lazily sip from my coffee and scroll through the text messages and snapchats from my friends.

Both Keith and Kwan have sent me some kind of ecard on snapchat, wishing me a happy birthday. There's another snapchat from Jeff, showing a photo of his grinning face, one middle finger stuck up with the caption,  _"Happy Birthday, u fucker!"_  His photo makes me snort and I close out of snapchat as soon as it disappears.

My breath hitches a little when I check my texts and see Danny's name in bold. I don't know why the fuck I hesitate on tapping open his message but it doesn't take me longer than a few seconds.

**From: Danny**

_**Happy birthday, Dash :) Is it okay if I have something special planned for you today?** _

_Fuck, Fenton._  Why wouldn't it be okay? He's planned something for me and wants to know if that's  _okay_? It's more than okay. It's fucking perfect. Cause he thought of me early enough to plan something out. I don't know who the hell told him what day my birthday is but thank fuck for whoever did. Cause it's nice to know that Danny thought of me.

I slink down further in my seat when I see his car pull into the parking lot. From my position, he can't see me but I can watch him. Which I do. Pretty fucking intensely. He gets out of his car and glances around the parking lot. He calls out to my teammates and when he wanders over to them, I get out of my car, sliding my backpack onto my shoulders before I grab the two coffees.

Danny looks up when I slam my car door closed. He immediately starts away from my teammates, a smile lighting up his face as he nears me.

"You did  _not_  buy me a coffee on  _your_  birthday," he says when I hold the cup out toward him. I respond with a grin and he rolls his eyes, taking the coffee anyway. After a second of hesitation, he lightly punches me on the shoulder with a scoff. "You're too much, I swear."

I don't miss the flash of pink that crosses his face when he sips from the cup and I busy my mouth with my own cup to keep myself from grinning. God, if what he has planned for me means I get to spend time with him, my birthday's gonna be fucking great.

* * *

The day passes by pretty smoothly even with all the birthday wishes when I first show up to my teammates, and it isn't until lunch time that it's brought up again. Valerie makes an appearance in the cafeteria, and though she's almost two hours early for her class, she breezes into the room like she's in here every day.

We make space for her at our table and she ends up sitting on one side of me so I'm in between her and Danny. It reminds me of when we were in the back of Tatiana's car on the way to the restaurant and thinking of that only makes me think of when Danny kissed my knuckles and I  _know_  that makes my face flush.

Valerie gives me a sly look, probably knowing exactly where the fuck my mind is going, but she apparently decides to be nice to me cause she doesn't comment on it. She reaches into a brown paper bag she's brought with her and extracts out a plastic container.

"Ta-da! Your favorite," she says with a grin, plonking down the familiar container in front of me.

It doesn't take me longer than a second to recognize the logo for Evan's bakery and I swallow hard. I drag in a quiet breath before I look up at Valerie again. I  _hate_  that I have to force the smile onto my face cause of mom. Cause this is a thing that we do together.  _Did._

"Th-Thanks, Val," I mumble, taking the plastic fork she holds out to me. I don't know if she expects me to eat it now or not but I don't know if I can. Even though my teammates are groaning cause they know how great cake from that bakery is. I want to make them all jealous and teasingly eat it all and refuse to give them any but… I don't think the lump that's growing in my throat will allow me to swallow down a single bite.

Danny's the one that breaks me out of my trance. God, it's  _always_  Danny. He leans his shoulder against mine and I watch his gaze drop from my face to the container.

"What kind of cake is it?" he asks, his lip disappearing between his teeth as he darts his gaze up to meet mine. Forget whatever he has planned for me today, just give me  _him_  and I'll be happy.

I let my stare drop down to the container and I fiddle with the plastic around the fork, not entirely sure if I'm gonna have any of it now. If Valerie knew that this was a mom thing, I know she never would have brought it in. I don't want to be an ass and refuse it but I don't know if I can do this.

"It's… vanilla with cream cheese frosting, a-and strawberries," I mumble, tracing the rim of the container with my index finger.

Danny hums softly, returning to his food. He eats a bite of whatever he got from the caf and shrugs. "Is it any good?" he asks, raising an eyebrow when I glance at him.

"You've never had it?" I ask, immediately tearing the plastic off the fork when he shakes his head. I tell myself that he has to try it cause it's the cake that made Evan'sfamous in Amity Park. Not at all cause I want him to eat so I don't have to think about mom anymore. I wrestle the container open and carefully get a bite of every part of the cake – making sure to get a strawberry – before I turn back to Danny.

He glances down at the fork and I give him a smile. "Come on, you gotta try it."

I move my hand to pass the fork over to him but I guess he doesn't realize that's what I'm doing. Cause he opens his fucking mouth and blinks up at me, leaning forward when I do.  _Ohmyfuckinggod._ I'm actually feeding a bite to Danny. Watching the way his lips drag over the tines of the fork as he pulls back. The way his tongue darts out to lick one corner of his mouth where a bit of frosting has smeared.  _Universe, please fucking end me, this is torture._

Danny swallows down the bite and his lips pull into a smile. "Wow, that's amazing," he says, his gaze dropping to the piece I've been given.  _Fuck, Danny, it's yours. Have it, all of it. Just let me feed you again._

Even though my fingers tremble, I pass the fork over to Danny and pick up my cafeteria one instead. He gives me a funny look but I nudge the container between us and that's apparently all the permission he needs.

I wonder how weird it'd be to just watch him eat it all instead of having any myself. Because I fucking love the way he licks at the frosting on the back of the fork and the way he  _savors_  every strawberry.  _Fuck, I don't think it's just his actions I love. I think I love-_

"How come  _Danny_  gets to have some of it with you and I don't?" Jeff asks, looking like he's ready to launch across the table to steal it for himself.

All it takes is a look from me to get him to give up on that idea. I know my face is flushed but I muster out the words anyway as Danny looks between the two of us.

"C-Cause he's never had any. And you have cake all the fucking time, Jeff," I mumble, leaning forward to get a bite for myself. I hesitate for a split second before I force myself to stop thinking about mom. Stop remembering the way we'd share this in the parking lot every year and that no matter how shit my day was afterward, at least I had a single fucking moment to make me happy.

I practically fucking devour the cake with Danny, teasing Jeff by slowly licking what's left of the frosting in the container. Valerie and the others at the table make fun of him but I'm not focused on any of them. Cause Danny's smiling and his face is stained my favorite color and I'm trying my fucking hardest to give a mental 'fuck you' to mom and forget her and everything she ever did. Cause today's not about her, it's my day. And I'm gonna spend as much of it as I can with the boy I've come to know as my own personal star.

* * *

As soon as we're let out of Lancer's class, Danny tells me to meet him at Alex's before he continues down the hall without an explanation. I follow after him and try to get as much information from him as I can but he won't budge. He cuts me off once we're out of the building and standing a few feet from his car.

"Sorry, I'm not answering anything you ask me. Follow me over to Alex's and then we'll go," Danny says, a hint of teasing to his tone. I catch sight of a blush dotted along his skin but I don't get to see it for long before he gets into his car and I'm left to go to mine.

The drive out to Alex's garage is never long but the anticipation brewing in the pit of my stomach makes it feel like it takes me three years to get there. Especially when I get caught up in afternoon traffic. But  _finally_ , I pull my car in next to Danny's in the parking lot of Alex's garage.

I turn my engine off and aim the rearview mirror toward me to check my reflection. I don't know why, it's not like I haven't already seen Danny today. But I guess I'll always want to make sure I look okay cause it's  _him._

Danny's inside the garage, sitting on a stool next to Alex, when I get out of my car and start for the garage. They're both grinning as they carry on a quiet conversation, Danny nodding every time Alex says something. I don't catch what's being said but they both look at me with a smile so I assume they're having a good time.

I shuffle to a stop, plunging my hands into my pockets as I do my best to return the expression they're both wearing. "Hey," I mumble, more to Alex than Danny but my gaze still strays toward the latter anyway.

Alex steps away from the car he's working on and envelopes me in a hug, the scent of grease and oil strong on his skin. He holds me tightly, a laugh rumbling through him as he pulls away.

"Happy birthday, kiddo," he says, his smile widening as my face flushes. He squeezes my shoulder before looking back at Danny. "Just give me a call later and we'll talk about it."

Danny's smile widens and he quickly nods in response. "Thanks, Alex." He's also pulled into a hug and I fucking love the way everyone important to me likes Danny. Cause I sure as hell do.

"So, what'd you call me here for?" I question when they separate. Danny gives me a sly look and I raise an eyebrow. "What?"

He shakes his head, stepping away from Alex and grabbing me by the wrist. "I wanted to talk to Alex. I kinda just had you follow me over so I wouldn't have to drive back to school," he says with an apology in his tone.

I shrug and he tugs me forward a few paces. "Come on." He gives me a wicked grin and I don't know if I ever had a hope of resisting him. It might be my birthday but I'll do whatever the fuck he wants me to. Cause he's so beautiful when he smiles.

"A-Alright, I'm coming," I say, laughter tumbling from me. I half-turn back to where I know Alex is and give him a small wave. "See you later."

Alex waves a wrench at the both of us and then I'm letting Danny lead me across the parking lot to his car – taking me wherever he wants me to go cause he has that kind of power over me. I've known him for less than three months and in that time, he's managed to crawl inside my heart and take hold of me like this.  _Make yourself at home, Danny. You're welcome to stay forever._

* * *

Usually I hate being the passenger but it allows me to watch Danny as he drives and I could get used to that. I study the way he taps his hands on the steering wheel just before he makes a turn, the way he absentmindedly plays with his keys when we're sitting at a red light. I try to memorize everything about him that I can cause there's no telling when I'll get this chance again.

He whistles softly as he pulls his car up to some kind of toll booth and rolls his window down. The guy behind the booth asks for our tickets and Danny wordlessly hands them off. There's a few seconds of silence while the guy checks them before he passes them back and tells us to enjoy the show.

I give Danny a curious look and he responds with only a grin.

He doesn't offer up any information as he parks the car in a gravel lot not far from the toll booth. I wordlessly follow him out of his car and Danny turns to look at me as I fall in step beside him. "I kinda had this idea for a while but I mentioned it to Alex a couple weeks ago and he said it was a great idea s-so… if you hate it, blame him," he says, absentmindedly scratching the back of his head.

"I'm sure I'll like it… wh-whatever it is," I mumble, feeling another piece of my heart give way when he beams at me.  _Forget staying in my heart, just fucking take it._

We walk through an archway and as soon as we turn a corner, I realize what the fuck he's planned for my birthday. Sleek tires and fucking  _amazing_  paintjobs stare back at me and a surprised breath leaves me as I stare around at the auto show he's brought me to.

"S-Surprise," Danny mumbles, smiling when I have the sense to look his way. He gives me a small shrug. "I-I remember… when you told me that cars were your life… I thought you were kidding at first but I've seen how much you like them s-so…" he trails off but he doesn't need to explain anymore. This is perfect.

"I love it," I respond, unable to stop the grin from stretching across my face. I really do. I fucking love car shows. I haven't been to one since I was like thirteen. It was the last time Kwan and I went with our dads – and though Kwan promised that he'd still go with me, we've never been to another. God, that show feels like forever ago.

Danny's smile widens and we walk shoulder-to-shoulder further in to see the cars, stopping to admire every single one. There's a green Corvette I fall in fucking love with, and the owner is nice, too. He talks about the car and maintenance for the beauty and even though I can keep up with the conversation and add my own thoughts, I'm sensing that it goes right over Danny's head.

After we move on from the Corvette, Danny points out a Shelby Mustang and I follow after him to see it. He asks a lot of questions and I'm so grateful that I'm familiar with the brand. I explain a little about the engine and the reason it's set apart from the competition. He asks about the cars parked next to it and I'm able to tell him about the key features of those brands too.

We wander further into the lot and I see the decade collection not too far from us. I hurriedly tug on Danny's sleeve and we cross over to it. God, all the way from the early 1930's on up, a line of cars are stretched out in front of us.

I stop at a Buick Sedan first and I spend more time than necessary oohing and ahhing over it. I don't know as much about these cars but they're so fucking beautiful. And the fact that most of them are still running could put my Mitsubishi to shame. I still fucking love my car but my god, these ones are amazing.

Danny asks me a few questions at first but I can't really answer them until we get into the 80's cars. I tell him in great detail about the Alpha Romeo Spiderand he nods along, his grin widening at my enthusiasm. I tell him about the different engines in the two models on display and explain about the difference in the tires and the design structure and-

I love talking about cars. I really fucking love talking about cars. I meant what I said to Danny so many months ago. Cars really are my life and I  _love_  that I get to share this with Danny. Cause I know he can hear how happy I sound right now. And I am. I'm so fucking happy that I get to admire some amazing cars with a boy so beautiful, he could put all of them to shame.

* * *

There's a couple of food trucks and vendors across the street from one section of the show so after the tenth time he comments on my stomach growling, we go across the street to get some food.

We eat by the food trucks but we walk around the show, splitting a shake – which doesn't fucking mean  _anything_  – and I keep up a steady conversation about cars. Danny checks his phone a few times and every time he does, he grins. I want to ask who he's talking to. Cause I'm a little selfish and I want to be the only one who's got his attention today. But he always smiles wider when he looks up at me so I convince my inner prick to shut up and enjoy the rest of the show.

When the sun is setting and security starts kicking people out, I reluctantly follow Danny back to his Equus and climb into the passenger seat. I almost don't want to leave and I think he recognizes that reluctance in me.

"I heard there's another show in Dryden, sometime in mid-January," Danny says, smiling when he looks at me. "I'm up for a road-trip to go see it with you if you're interested."

Spending a few days with Danny, seeing some amazing cars, and spending time away from Amity Park? Sign me the fuck up. Only downside is the location…

Danny notices the subtle change in me and tension settles comfortably between us. I look away from him, staring out the window and chewing on my lower lip. I almost work up the nerve to turn back to him and force a smile, but he puts a hand on my arm before I get the chance to.

"Everything… okay?" he asks, raising an eyebrow at the look on my face.

I want to say I'm okay and tell him that I'm just disappointed that the day's coming to an end but I don't want to lie. It's more than that. I'm not gonna let her ruin what time I have left with Danny but the crushing need to say  _something_ is scratching at my bones and I have to tell him.

"My… mom kinda… lives in Dryden now," I mumble, offering up a shrug when his expression takes on a concerned look to it. "It's fine, it's not like… yeah."

Danny reaches further across the space between us and threads his fingers in between mine. He doesn't say anything for a few seconds and I feel a flush creeping over my face as he squeezes my hand gently.

He swallows and I fucking hate myself for the way my attention is quickly drawn to his neck. My gaze lingers on his throat and I push out a breath in the silence. Cause if I don't make some kind of noise, a fucking  _whine_ will leave me and that's not something he needs to hear.

"Don't let your mom ruin today for you, okay?" Danny asks, running his thumb over the back of my hand. He doesn't offer a smile this time and I think we both know that the situation doesn't call for one. Even if my heart feels like fucking singing when I realize just how concerned he is about me.

I gulp down everything I want to say in this moment and I force myself to nod instead. Cause he's right. I shouldn't let mom ruin the day for me. I don't know how much more time I have with Danny tonight and I don't want to spend it thinking about her. I want to spend it thinking about the only boy that gets my heart racing.

"Okay."

* * *

We're only on the road for about ten minutes when we get stuck in traffic. A long line of cars stretches out in front of us and almost every single one has their turn signal on. Danny rolls his window and sticks his head out to see what's going on.

"Oh, I think it's the fair traffic," Danny says, rolling his window up again. I try to see over the cars in front of us but I can just barely make out the outline of the Ferris wheel in the distance.

I relax into the seat again, letting out a breath as Danny inches the car forward. The radio's playing softly, something Danny recognizes and he nods along to it, looking so content that I almost don't want to interrupt wherever his mind's at. But… it is my  _birthday_ … maybe it's okay to be a little selfish.

"You… wanna go?" I ask, nodding toward the fairgrounds when he looks at me with a puzzled expression. It's probably more than a little selfish to want to keep him for myself. "We don't have to stay long, just… maybe ride a couple rides, play some games…?"

Danny smiles, the expression stretching across his face like he was just waiting to have another reason to smile. "Sure, I'd love to."

We both turn our attention back to the traffic and the car slowly inches forward until we're finally pulling onto the fairgrounds. Parking's a bitch but Danny finds a space that isn't too far from the entrance and easily takes it, despite a Honda Civic practically riding on top of his bumper the entire time.

I flip the other driver off and Danny snorts, rolling his eyes as he turns off the engine. "Nice, Dash. Really classy."

He laughs when I mumble something about the driver being an asshole. We unbuckle our seatbelts and leave the warmth of his car. I forgot how cold it is and I zip my jacket up closer to my chin, wishing I'd brought something a little warmer.

Danny gives me a look, the tips of his ears and his jawline tinged pink. "C-Cold?" he stammers, looking away from me when I shrug. He huddles down in his own jacket and pushes out a breath that hangs in the air.

I'm banned from paying for the tickets, even though I know that Danny's already spent too much on me today. He bats my hand away when I try to extend some cash to the ticket worker, who just laughs at the whole display.

"You're not paying for anything on your birthday,  _Dash_ ," Danny insists, shoving my hand away again as he slides cash across the booth to the woman working behind it. She gives us both a smile and swaps the cash out for two tickets.

"Enjoy the fair, you two," she says, grinning as Danny grabs me by the sleeve and tugs me through the gates.

I let myself be pulled along behind him and I'm quickly distracted by the rides. The scent of popcorn and cotton candy drifts through the air and Dany insists we stop for some of the latter. He's grinning like a little kid as he watches the employee behind the counter easily swipes up a cone of cotton candy for us to split.

Danny thanks him before we're on our way, each tearing off chunks of the cotton candy. I'm in love with the smells around us, and the conversations happening outside of ours – where Danny's regaling me with the past few times he's been here with his sister. I love the taste of the cotton candy exploding across my tongue like the grin that explodes across his face as he gestures wildly to make a point. I love the way the lights from the rides are cast on his face and I love the way my heart is so fucking happy, it feels like it might burst. I can't remember a birthday better than this one.

We make conversation as we browse the fair, stopping to look at everything. Danny buys a keychain for his sister and a coffee mug for his dad. I don't ask why he doesn't get anything for his mom, kinda going on the assumption that they're still ticked off at each other. For the most part, we just walk around and talk. Until I see the typical fair game where you're supposed to knock the cups over using a ball to win a prize. It wouldn't have even caught my attention except that one of the prizes is a plush cartoon depiction of a ghost. It's too fucking perfect and I can't leave it. Which is how I find myself standing in front of the display, rolling a ball between my fingers in preparation.

Danny's leaning up against the side of the booth, a dopey smile on his face as he shakes his head. I know he thinks this is ridiculous and I can't stop the grin on my face as I throw the first ball. I manage to knock down half the stack but it's a game at a fair so of course it's rigged. My next two throws miss and I quickly pass off a couple more bucks to play again.

It takes me six fucking tries but I walk away from that booth victorious, clutching a ghost plush in my arms. Danny makes fun of me for it but I don't fucking care. I can't think of a birthday where I've had this much fun, especially considering that last year, I was probably sulking and hiding up in my room as soon as dad came home.

Shortly after I finish with the game, we decide to call it a night and head home. I'm only a little disappointed but the waves of excitement continue to wash over me. God, today was so fucking good.

"Thanks for today, you really… made it special," I mumble, knowing that my face is flushed when Danny looks at me. We're walking back to his car, the sounds of the fair still drifting from behind us, and I awkwardly scratch the back of my head. "I was just… gonna go home and probably order a pizza instead of hanging out with anyone. S-So… thanks."

Danny grins at me and knocks my shoulder with his. He doesn't respond but I don't think I need him to. Cause this day has been perfect and my heart's filled to the brim. Words don't mean as much as his arm brushing against mine with every step we take toward his car.

* * *

The drive back to Alex's garage feels so fucking short cause I'm having such a great time with Danny. The radio keeps playing songs I know and I rock the air guitar along with all of them, making him laugh harder with every song.

Eventually the radio comes to a commercial break but it's just before the turn for Alex's so I lean forward and shut off the radio, effectively cutting off the DJ from continuing on with whatever show he has.

"That… plush is for you by the way," I mumble, shooting Danny a grin when he glances my way.

He arches an eyebrow, a laugh leaving him. "Are you  _serious_?" he asks, directing his attention back to the road. He rolls his eyes when he sees me grinning. "Have you forgotten that my parents study these things? That might cause some questions."

I shrug. "They can ask all they want, it's still yours."

Danny chews on his bottom lip but he's fighting back a smile. He manages to better than I can and I turn my gaze out the window, not letting myself look at him. Cause I know that his cheeks are just slightly flushed and the second I see that color on him, I'll lose my goddamn mind.

"I'm glad you had a good birthday, Dash," Danny says, turning to me with a smile when he parks his car in the lot outside of Alex's garage.

I manage to look at him without spontaneously combusting and I offer him as much of a smile as I can. Cause if I smile any wider, I'm sure my face would explode in a blush that would rival the one hinting at his face.

Reluctantly, I leave the warmth of his car. It isn't until we're standing outside, talking about how cool the car show was that I realize he didn't park next to my car. I dig my keys from my pocket, glancing around the lot to find it.  _What the fuck?_

"So… the car show wasn't the only surprise I had for you," Danny mumbles, rubbing the back of his neck when I look at him. He jerks a thumb toward the garage. "Your car's inside."

Wordlessly, I follow after him into the garage. Alex is settled in a bay, the radio playing softly next to him, as he works on part of the engine of his 1970's Ford Mustang **.**  He glances up when he hears us and grins, rising from his crouched position.

Alex stretches his arms over his head and cracks his back with a sigh. He glances at me with a smile as he drops his hands back to his sides.

"Hey, kiddo. Had a good time?" he asks, grinning broadly.

I can't help the smile that instantly pulls at my mouth and I look away from him with a shrug. "Yeah, I-I did," I mumble, stealing a glance at Danny. He returns my smile but I don't get to subtly admire him for long.

"Come here," Alex says and I reluctantly turn from Danny to follow after Alex. In the next bay over, I recognize the wheels of my car sticking out from under a tarp. Alex grins in response to the look I give him. "First, why didn't you tell me your brakes needed to be fixed?" He arches an eyebrow at my lack of response but decides it isn't important after a few seconds. "Well, they're fixed now. And I gave it a wash and a wax too."

Alex peels the tarp back and holy fuck. It's still my car but it looks so good. A hell of a lot better than what it looked like when Danny and I left here earlier. So  _that's_  why he wanted to meet me at Alex's. He's too devious for my own good.

I glance side-long at Danny and he grins, despite his flush. "Thank you," I say, glancing from Danny to Alex. "Both of you. This is… I love it."

Alex gives me a grin, reaching over to squeeze my shoulder. "Thank Danny, it was his idea." He steps away from us and gestures to his car. "I'm gonna finish up what I'm working on and close up the shop. You're welcome to hang around until I'm done if you want to."

He crosses over to his Mustang again and I delicately run a hand along the hood of my car. My  _god_ , my Mitsubishi hasn't looked this beautiful since the day I got it. Alex did a fucking great job, it practically looks brand new.

I trace my finger against the edges of the windshield, only glancing up when Danny pulls the tarp off the back end of my car. He shoots me a grin when he sees me looking his way and drops the black tarp on the ground before he crosses over to me.

"You like it?" Danny asks, smiling when I nod. He slides his phone from his pocket and frowns at the time. "I should probably head home soon, make sure that my mom's not gonna freak out again."

I lean against my car, folding my arms over my chest. "Yeah… what um… what was that about?"

Danny pushes out a breath, looking away from me. "She didn't want me to go to the game and I ignored her. Didn't even tell her I was going, I just left. Dad knew I was going so it was fine but…" he trails off with a shrug.

"Why didn't she want you to go?"

He chews on his lower lip, shaking his head as he looks back at me. "She's just… protective. Didn't want me to be alone for the entire weekend," he mumbles. The quiet only settles over the two of us for a second before I reach out and put my hand on his arm. He takes it as the comfort I intended it to be and smiles, relaxing into the touch.

I offer up a smile and start to say that he wasn't alone this weekend, but I lose my train of thought when I hear the faint static of Alex's radio climbing higher. I glance over as the opening bars to a song I know really fucking well start playing louder. And Alex is fucking grinning as REO Speedwagon starts blaring from his tiny radio.

_It's my fucking birthday, Alex, be nice._

After a few intense seconds of glaring at Alex, I slowly lift my gaze to Danny's again. And I almost  _die_  when I see that his face is flushed too. God, we're just fucking mirroring each other right now as we pull away and make space between us that doesn't need to be there.

"Anyway… I sh-should probably get home," Danny mumbles, jerking a thumb toward the parking lot. He shuffles backward a step and gives me a hesitant smile. It's that small lift at the corners of his mouth that snaps me back into the moment.

"R-Right!" I stammer, practically tripping over my feet to follow him out to the parking lot. I can still faintly hear the radio playing softly behind us as we walk across the lot and Alex probably knows  _exactly_  what it's doing to me.

Danny strolls to a stop beside his car and glances into the back seat before he looks back at me with a hesitant smile. "Are you really making me take the plush home?"

I easily return his smile with a grin, nodding. "Yup."

He rolls his eyes but slyly bites his bottom lip and oh… if he only knew how crazy that drove me. How I love seeing the white of his teeth against the pink of his lip and how I fucking  _ache_  to run my tongue along the marks his teeth have made.

"Okay, then. Guess I'll have to find a place for it," Danny responds, a smile lighting up his features. "Just so you know though, if either of my parents ask me where I got it, I'm blaming everything on you."

I laugh and the sound feels so fucking free, floating out in the open air. Everything about today was perfect. From the second I shared the cake with him, my day went up and I don't want to come down from this high at all. But it's getting late and he needs to go.

It's awkward at first but one of us reaches for the other and we end up in a hug that feels so right, I don't want to let him go. Danny wishes me a happy birthday again and I brazenly mumble that I'm glad I got to spend it with him. Even if saying those words out loud makes me blush like a fucking idiot.

We separate from one another and I give him a smile before he gets into his car. I step back a few paces and wave to him while he pulls out of the lot. I watch the road even after his car disappears down it. I only start back into the garage when the faint sound of the radio reaches me again.

As soon as I step inside, I cross over to Alex and fucking slam my hand down on the radio's volume button to silence Kevin Cronin as he belts out the chorus of  _'Can't Fight This Feeling_.'

Alex doesn't say anything at first, his shit-eating grin clear on his face as he continues tinkering with part of the engine. "Not a fan of REO Speedwagon, Dash?" he asks, innocence clear in his tone.

"I'm gonna fucking  _kill_  you."

* * *

Dad's car isn't in the driveway when I get home but I refuse to let the loneliness set in. As soon I've taken a shower and crawled into bed, I read over the birthday texts I got again, letting it serve as a reminder that I'm not alone just cause I am right now.

Kwan's conversation is lit up with a new text, sent only a few hours ago, and I quickly tap on it, rubbing my eye with my fist as it loads on my screen.

**From: Kwan**

_**I saw you talking to Danny in the parking lot before you left… does this mean your birthday's going well? ;) ;)** _

I should be ashamed of the grin that stretches across my face but I'm not. I can't be. Cause I'm in the safety of my bedroom and no one can see me fucking blushing cause I spent most of the day with the boy I've completely fallen for.

**To: Kwan**

_**It was fucking amazing** _

I close out of his conversation only cause a notification has appeared on snapchat and my needy, stupid heart is fucking  _hoping_  that it's from Danny. Cause it'd be perfect to end my night with a photo of his adorable face.

I'm only slightly disappointed.

The snapchat  _is_  from Danny but it's not his face. It's a photo of his bed, the covers turned down like he's about to get in bed. The ghost plush is settled against his pillows and his caption reads,  _"Guess who has a home? :)"_

I can't stop the fucking grin on my face as I stare at his message. Cause I can picture him in a pair of pajamas, a rocket ship or star print cause he's a fucking nerd, crawling under his covers and tucking them under his chin. A yawn spilling from him as he responds to whatever texts he gets late at night.

I'm too fucking happy to think of an acceptable teasing remark to make so I send back an emoji that's overzealously winking. I force myself to close out of snapchat after ten minutes of no response and I open my texts instead.

Kwan has responded with a string of hearts and smiley faces and I roll over onto my back, scrolling through them all before I send back one message. It sums up everything I feel about the day and Danny and I didn't think I'd ever fucking say it but I push send before I can talk myself out of it.

**To: Kwan**

_**I think I fucking love him** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooooo! Long time no see, huh? I realized the other day it was starting to creep up close to a month between uploads again and I didn't want that to happen so here I am! 
> 
> Not a ton of plot development here, but at least there's plenty of fluff instead? Dash deserved a good birthday so I gave it to him
> 
> What do you think of the scene with Mitch and Dale in the library? That was a scene I didn't have in the original version of this chapter but I felt the need to add it in as it does provide foreshadowing for future events but also because they live in a small town. No way is everyone in Amity Park okay with gay kids. Especially cause they're football players and… anyway. I'd love to know what you think of that scene and Dale and Mitch's relationship in general
> 
> Soooo… Dash getting that ghost plush for Danny, huh? I've been waiting so long for you guys to read that cause in my opinion, it's so fucking adorable. Also PLEASE tell me what you think of Alex teasing Dash by playing REO Speedwagon in the garage, I've had that part in my head since before I even wrote this chapter
> 
> And speaking of REO, that's where the title of this chapter comes from. I'm sure a lot of you have heard Can't Fight This Feeling before cause I think most of our parents grew up listening to it so in turn, we did (at least that's been my experience and what I've heard from friends) But if you haven't heard it, you definitely should. Also, it's so Dash with Danny, just saying
> 
> Thanks so much for reading this chapter! I really appreciate you coming back update after update to see what's going on in our favorite quarterback's life. There's a lot of stuff coming up really quickly in terms of plot development and I hope you're all ready for it
> 
> Next chapter, you can expect a phone call in the middle of the night, driving on little to no sleep, pain and heartbreak – and a warning at the beginning of next chapter. No, it's not what you're expecting. Yes, it's gonna tear your heart out
> 
> Thanks again and I hope to see your thoughts next update!


	61. Salvation Has Its Price

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for graphic depictions of violence (or the results afterward anyway), a near death experience, blood, medical scenes, and general tension throughout this chapter

 

Life is a long, weird journey. Full of fucked-up turns and dead-end roads and flat tires. At any moment, no matter the road you're on, everything can come hurtling to a stop. You can go from running a hundred miles an hour to standing still while everything hits you at once and the only thing you can do is break down.

It's a Monday morning, two days before Thanksgiving break begins, that the weirdness of life wraps around me and chokes me awake at four AM. For a few bleary minutes, I have no clue why I'm awake. Why I'm suddenly staring at my ceiling, willing the edges of sleep to grab me again. It isn't until my phone starts vibrating against the floor that I realize what woke me.

I roll over to grab it, swiping my thumb across the screen to answer the call before I even check who it is. With my luck, it's mom calling drunk again. God, if she's on the other end of the phone, I'll probably just hang up the second I hear her voice.

"Hello?" I mumble, rubbing at my eye with one hand, keeping the other closed around my phone. It's dead-silent on the other end and I'm pretty fucking positive it's mom. God, who else would call me at this hour?

There's a sharp intake of breath and a small, broken  _sob_  that has my eyes suddenly open, my heart racing in my chest. It's not mom's shaky breath rattling over the phone lines and when I swallow, I almost choke over the thought of who it really is.

"Danny?" I question, pulling my phone away just long enough to check if I'm right.  _Shit._  "H-Hey, what's wrong?"

He doesn't say anything. Just lets out another sob that tears at my heart and has me clenching a fist around one of my blankets.  _Fuck, how do I help you? How do I make whatever pain you're feeling go away? I don't have much to say but I want to fix this._

"Wh-Whatever it is, you can tell me. Is it… d-did you have a fight with your mom?" I ask.

Danny lets out another sob before his broken, quivering voice comes on the line, practically whispering as he talks. " _D-Dash… i-it hurts."_

Shit. I know the pain of being awake in the middle of the night with only my thoughts to keep me company. And my thoughts are shit company, always tearing at me – making me believe a bunch of things that I wouldn't during regular waking hours. Danny sounds like he's headed down the same path, like he's trying not to believe every harsh word his mind is spitting at him. Like he's breaking on the other end of the line and I'm gonna have to fight like hell to reach him.

I sit up fully, shifting the phone to hold it better and I push out a breath. I run a hand down my face, steeling myself for the conversation. If he needs me to meet him somewhere, I'm there. He doesn't even have to talk about whatever's fucking with him. Just let me sit next to him and hold his hand gently so he's not alone. "H-Hey, it's gonna be okay, I promise. Can you-"

" _Dash, I… I-I've been shot."_

The blood in my veins doesn't just run cold. Everything in me fucking freezes. I don't know if I even breathe other than to stutter out a broken string of ' _what's'_ down the line.

Danny drags in a breath and the whine he lets out immediately after  _kills_  me. " _I-I'm… bleeding a lot. A-And I can't… do this… e-everything's s-so… c-cold."_

_Shit._

"Whoa wh-what… the fuck? Ha-Have you called an ambulance?"

He sobs again, whimpering with the sound. " _N-No… I c-can't… n-no… hospitals. My body's… t-too different."_

"What do you mean you can't-" I cut myself when Danny's sob sounds through the phone. He tries to explain why he can't go to a hospital but his words are punctuated with sobbing and it tears at me too much to listen to. "Okay, alright, i-it's okay. I'm… I'm gonna come find you, okay? Where are you?" I question, climbing out of my bed before he even answers. I throw on my shoes and grab my car keys from my dresser on my way out of my room. I don't even bother with a jacket before I'm thundering down the stairs, listening to Danny's every breath.

I slip out the front door, not stopping to lock it behind me before I collapse into the front seat of my Mitsubishi, everything in me shaking. Danny starts trying to describe where he's at but the pain is too much and he's reduced to muffled sobs interspersed with whimpering.

_Shit, this is really fucking bad. I have no fucking clue how to find him._

"D-Danny, I know it hurts b-but you gotta… you gotta focus on my v-voice, okay? Talk to me, t-tell me where you are," I say, trying to inject as much strength into my voice as I can muster.  _Shit, you can't fucking die on me, Fenton._

It takes him a few,  _agonizing_ minutes to calm down enough to speak and during that time, I've left my neighborhood, my foot practically stitched to the gas pedal. I haven't inched the speedometer past the limit in a while but this is way more fucking important than one of my stupid, angry drives.

" _I don't… know exactly. You know the… outlook I showed you? I-I'm somewhere in the woods there. B-But I don't know… h-how far i-into the woods I-I am,"_ he breathes out, every ounce of his pain dripped over each word.

I keep the car going full-speed, running every red light I can afford just to get to him. I'm almost creamed by this SUV that's coming out of nowhere but I swerve to avoid it and the driver lays on the horn. It unnerves me and my breath shakes a little as I exhale out but I don't slow down. I don't have time to stop for anything, Danny's fucking  _dying_  and if I don't get to him fast enough-

My teeth are gritted and one hand is clenched around the wheel as I swerve past what little traffic is on the road this early. I can't let anything happen to Danny. No matter if I have to wreck my fucking car to get to him, I  _have_ to get to him.

"I'm turning into the outlook now," I tell him, hoping my words inject enough strength in him to keep him awake. He doesn't respond, not even a pained breath, and that silence sends my heart into overdrive. "D-Danny, hey, can you hear me?"

Danny whimpers softly and I exhale out, turning my headlights on brighter to look for him before I get out of my car, leaving the engine running. I keep my phone pressed to my ear to listen for his every breath but I keep my eyes scanning the trees as I start out of the clearing at the outlook.  _In the woods but not sure how far in. In the woods but not sure how far in. In the woods but-_

My heart lurches when I see him and a breath leaves me at the state he's in. Danny's propped up against a tree, his whole body limp except for his hand, clutched around his phone. His breathing's shallow and I don't even bother hanging up the call before I'm dropping my phone from my ear and shoving it into my pocket.

His eyes flutter open when I get close to him and I sink to my knees beside him, the scent of blood washing over me. Danny stares up at me, looking like he can't figure out if this is a dream or not and I weakly brush his hair back from his forehead before I'm searching his skin for the damage.

Even in the darkness of the early morning, I can see the blood soaking through his shirt, telling me exactly where the wound is. Where the  _bullet_ is.

"I-It was…. th-those… guys…" he murmurs, his phone falling out of his hand. His gaze is unfocused and he looks around at the trees overhead. "I don't… think it's a bullet." He blinks slowly, meeting my gaze when I look up at him.  _Fuck, he needs an ambulance._

I snatch his phone from the grass and hit end on the call, hurriedly typing in 911. I hear the dial-tone for a split second before Danny's reaching forward and grabbing the phone from my hand. He shakes his head, ending the call before it even goes through. He meets my gaze before he's collapsing back against the tree with a measured breath.

"N-No… hospitals. My… body's d-different. G-Government… agents," he manages to say between painful intakes of breath and my sanity is fraying at the edges the longer I stare at him without the ability to help. I need to help him. I need to take him to the hospital. Fuck what he says about not going, I can't… watch him bleed to death.

I loop one arm under his knees and the other around his back, steadying myself before I lift him. When I can't tear my gaze away from the blood, he drapes his arm across his stomach. He grits his teeth against the pain, a pained whimper breaking free from his clenched teeth and tearing at my heart. I feel tears gathered in my own eyes with every painful step we take out of the woods and toward my car.  _I can't watch you die, Danny, please don't die, I can't watch you-_

A shuddering cough leaves Danny and he twists away from me as red spews from his mouth with every violent cough that shakes his frame. I don't know what to do except to hold him closer and keep carrying him to my car.

Danny's almost sobbing and I don't know how the fuck I'm functioning enough to wrench my back door open and set him on the seats. His blood has soaked through my t-shirt, clinging the material to my skin, and I rake a bloody hand through my hair, my other hand shaking as I deposit his phone along with mine onto the passenger seat.

He keeps his eyes squeezed tightly closed, arms folded over his bloody stomach. His shirt is soaked in his blood and I only stare at the red for a few seconds before I'm leaning into the back-seat, talking in a low voice like I'm afraid I might scare him.

"Danny… I can't… watch this," I whisper, hating the way my words cause more tension on his face. Like what I'm saying hurts more than his pain. "I ha-have to take you… to the hospital."

He swallows hard, a breath leaving him before he blinks his eyes open, staring at me with so much pain swimming in his eyes, it fucking chokes me. We stare at each other for a long fucking time before he shakes his head.

"You… can't," he whispers, his voice breaking as another wave of pain rips through him. He squeezes his eyes closed once more, letting out a controlled breath. "I-It's too… d-dangerous. Th-Those… government agents… f-from the school… they found me… a-and th-they shot me. I-If I show up… to a hospital… th-they'll know who I am."

I grind my teeth together, a string of swears tumbling from me as I slam the passenger door closed.  _Fuck_. How am I supposed to help him? I don't fucking know  _anything_  about medical stuff. I know how to use a first aid kit, sew a wound or two closed, and other basic shit mom taught me as a kid but she was the nurse of the family. It wasn't supposed to be my fucking job to fix people. But this isn't someone, this is Danny… and I  _have_ to fix Danny.

My heart nearly stops as he drags in a pained breath to cough up more red into his palm. He grimaces when he blinks his eyes open to look at it and glances up at me with an apology.  _Don't apologize to me, Danny. Don't you dare fucking apologize._

I don't know how the fuck to fix him. If mom were here, she'd know what to do. She wouldn't let me stand here, on the brink of panicking, without helping Danny. She'd tell me what to do to help him, she'd-

_Mom_  knows how what to do. She hasn't had to sew any wounds closed on me in fucking years but she's done it. She knows how to help him. Fuck it, she  _will_  help him.

I fling the passenger door open and grab my phone up, quickly typing in my passcode. I flick through my recent calls and hesitate for a split second. I glance up at Danny and see him watching me carefully with eyes so filled with pain, I wonder how he's even still breathing.

"Do you trust me?" I whisper and he responds with a blink.  _Fuck._  I swallow down the insecurity building in my throat. "Danny,  _trust_  me. Please."

He doesn't give me a response but I don't let myself wait for one. I hit mom's number and listen to it ring for-fucking-ever. She doesn't answer the first time and my heart is pounding as I dial and redial her number a million times before she finally picks up with a heavy sigh.

"M-Mom, I need your help," I blurt out before she has a chance to say anything. I rake a hand through my hair, letting out a shaky breath as I pace beside my car, my gaze straying to Danny again. God, he's still losing so much blood and I can't fix this.  _Please mom, fix this for me._

Another sigh rattles through the line.  _"Do you have any idea what time it is?"_

"Mom,  _please_ ," I beg and I know the hysteria in my tone isn't lost on her. Cause she doesn't say anything while I drag in a ragged breath, my chest feeling like it's splintering apart. "I-It's Danny, h-he's bleeding and I can't get him to stop and I can't fucking- M-Mom, help me."

She inhales and her tone changes. " _Alright, what happened? Have you called 911?"_

I spare a glance at Danny, curling my other hand into a fist and digging my nails into my flesh. "H-He can't go to a hospital. I-It's a long story b-but he's not… he can't- I don't kn-know what to do," I sink my teeth into my bottom lip, leaning into the back seat again when his eyes drift closed. "D-Danny? Hey, stay awake, okay?"

He gives me the barest hint of a nod but I can't retreat from him to pace any longer. I kneel on the little patch of floor I can squeeze into and will myself to stop fucking shaking. I can't panic. He needs me to stay as calm as I can fucking manage.  _Don't panic, stop panicking._

" _Dash, he needs to go to the hospital. If he's bleeding that badly, you don't have a choice, he-"_

The panic doesn't listen to me and climbs higher in my chest with every word mom says until I can't take it anymore. Until the panic has washed over me and I start spewing words in a pathetic attempt to keep myself from drowning. "Mom, he can't go to a fucking hospital, okay? Fuck, how do I fix this? H-He's literally gonna die if we don't do something. Fuck,  _please_  help me!"

She's silent for a few seconds and in that time, I climb out of my car and slam the back door closed. I can't lose Danny. I don't care what the fuck I have to do, I'm not losing him.

"M-Mom, I'm gonna… get on the road. Can you m-meet me at the office you showed me when I was in Dryden with you?" I ask, more as a thing to say than actually wondering if she can or not. She's meeting me there. After abandoning me with dad for so fucking long, it's the  _least_  she can do.

As soon as I slam my passenger door closed, I climb into the driver's seat and start down the road, only remembering to buckle my seat-belt at the last seond.

" _Honey… if he's bleeding that badly, he won't make it to Dryden. You need-"_

"Mom, please," I cut her off, continuing down the road, ignoring every fucking speed limit sign posted. Dryden's only an hour away from the outlook. But I'm gonna do everything in my fucking power to get us there faster. "J-Just head to your office and wait for me, okay? I'm already outside of Amity Park, it's not g-gonna take me that long to get to you. I'll call you again when I'm closer, I'm just-"

" _No."_

One word. She doesn't give me more than one fucking word. What the fuck does she mean  _no_? Danny's gonna fucking  _die_  if she doesn't help me. I don't know what else to do. I don't know any other fucking adult that can help me. And he can't go to a hospital so I'm fucking stuck. Driving my car as fast as I can toward the only person that can help and is fucking  _refusing_ to.

" _I won't be able to help him, Dash. I'm a nurse, honey. He needs to see an emergency team, I don't have what he needs to fix him. Take him to the hospital. Don't bring him here,"_ mom instructs and I'm barely listening to her. Cause I know what to say to get her to shut the fuck up and just do this. Cause I don't have another fucking option.

"I'll talk to your attorney. I'll tell him whatever the  _fuck_  you want me to say. I'll lie, mom. Okay? I'll lie my goddamn brains out. Anything you want me to say, I'll say it. Just please…  _please_ , I'm on my way. I can't… do this, I can't… watch him die. Please… help me."

The sound of my tires against the road and Danny's pitiful sobs breaking free every now and then are frazzling my sanity but mom's voice, clear as a fucking bell in the midst of my breakdown, keeps me grounded.

" _I don't know how much I can do but… I'll do what I can. I'll see you when you get here."_

* * *

Dryden looms into view as the sun starts to rise and Danny's gone still behind me. I check over my shoulder roughly every five seconds to make sure he's still breathing but the rise and fall of his chest does little to calm the rippling fear awake in my own chest.

I call mom when I cross the county line, listening to her directions until I'm pulling up outside the doctor's office she drove me to fucking  _ages_ ago. I feel like I was a different person then. Like it was a different  _lifetime_ back then.

Mom opens the door and comes out when I park the car. I kill the engine and get out, immediately crossing over to the passenger side. I open the back door and climb into the backseat, being careful of how much I move so close to him now. Danny's eyes are pinched closed but I know he can hear me. I know that despite his shallow breathing, he's still here.

"Danny, listen to me," I whisper, gently brushing his bloody hair back from his forehead. "Hey, listen. M-My mom's gonna fix you, okay? Y-You gotta trust me, okay? Everything's gonna be okay."

I can't even begin to imagine the level of strength it takes him just to fucking nod. But he manages that and what's more is his eyes flutter open long enough to look at me before he's just a barely conscious, bloody mess in the backseat of my car again.

Mom comes around to the side of my car and her eyes widen as she takes in the blood he's already lost. She looks from him to me, her eyebrows high on her forehead. I silently apologize to Danny over and over again in my head as I crawl further into my car, getting my arms under his. He doesn't make a sound but his whole body is tense and I know he can feel every move I make.

"G-Grab his legs," I instruct, waiting until mom complies before I lift Danny's upper half from the seat of my car. My knees squish in his blood as I crawl forward across the seat as slowly as I can and bile rises in the back of my throat at the warmth soaking into my pajamas pants.

Together, mom and I manage to get him out of my car and through the front door. He doesn't make a sound until we set him on the bed and that scares me more than his sobbing did. Mom is all business, washing her hands and donning a pair of latex gloves, and I'm frozen next to Danny, one hand brushing the hair from his forehead back and the other resting on his shoulder like I'm afraid he's about to break apart right in front of me.

Mom wheels a tool of instruments in front of her and prepares an IV bag. She stretches a face-mask on before she glances up at me. "We need to move his arms."

Danny hears us and blinks his eyes open. He looks between the two of us and slowly, he shifts his arms until they're lying on either side of his body. He clutches the paper on the bed in his fists, letting out a shuddering breath with the movement.

I'm still frozen staring at him but mom's immediately acting. She adjusts the needle before she glances up at Danny to see if he's gonna move. When he just looks back at her, she drops her gaze to his arm and expertly slides the needle in, applying a bit of medical tape to keep it in place.

"Wh-What are you… giving me?" Danny asks, his every word a struggle and fucking with my sanity.

Mom glances up from her medical instruments and I can see the surprise on her face. I guess she thought Danny was too far gone to speak. She shifts her facemask down so she can talk easier. "Morphine."

Danny blows out a breath, opening his eyes to stare up at the ceiling. "C-Can't… have… too much… of it," he mumbles, his eyes falling closed with the effort of speaking. He releases a low breath and I brush the hair back from his forehead again, realizing for the first time how cold he is.

Mom doesn't seem to care but I don't know what the fuck he means. Is it cause of the accident he told me about or being born in space or-

I put my hand on mom's arm as she starts pumping more of it into him. "M-Mom… he's probably right," I stammer out, dropping my stare back down to Danny's. I hate this. I hate that I can't just take him somewhere that'll know how to treat him. "He's… different."

"I kind of figured," mom replies, her voice flat on the words. "Seeing as he's already lost too much blood to still be conscious," she continues, glancing up at me. "If he can't have that much pain medication, you're going to have to hold him down, Dash."

My heart crawls into my throat or maybe drops into my stomach at her words. For a split second, I wonder if this is all a dream. If I'm still asleep in my bed at home, instead of standing next to a doctor's table in blood-soaked pajamas, staring at my mom.

"Dash, are you listening to me? We don't have a lot of time," mom says, snapping me back to reality. She drops her gaze to Danny before she swipes a pair of scissors from the tray, glancing up at me again. "Do as I tell you to do or this'll go badly for him."

She starts cutting up the length of his shirt, pulling the fabric out of her way to see the injury. I'm shaking next to Danny but I place my hand over top of his and I watch a small, miniscule amount of tension leave his face.

Mom breathes out when she sees the wound and glances up at me before she adds a little more morphine to his IV. She glances up at me. "Be prepared for anything."

She starts cleaning away the blood, moving as quickly and gently as she can, and every noise Danny makes tears at my heart. He lets go of the paper and turns his hand over, intertwining his fingers with my own. His grip could probably break my hand but I  _deal_  cause a broken fucking hand is the least of my problems right now.

Danny whimpers as mom swabs at the wound. It's jagged and torn, not at all what I pictured when he said he'd been shot. I guess it has something to do with his body, or maybe however the fuck he was injured – I don't fucking care. I just keep one hand in his and the other smoothing his hair down.

"His body temperature is rising, you need to bring it down," mom says, dragging my gaze back up to hers. "He's fighting against the morphine, which isn't helping." She points at something behind me. "Wet those towels and run them down his upper body, get him cool."

I have to tug my hand away from Danny and my hands shake as I do what I've been instructed to. I wet down the towels as best as I can, wringing them out so they don't drip over him. I collect a stack of them and quickly return to his side.

Mom starts to inspect the wound, probably trying to judge how bad it is and I don't let myself focus on her. I take the first cold cloth and lay it across his forehead. I use the second one to pat down his neck and chest, being careful how close I get to mom's hands.

Danny's back to gripping the paper on the table, a broken whimper spilling from him. I know he's trying to keep as still as possible but every movement mom makes draws deeper lines of pain across his face and it fucking  _destroys_ me.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, swiping the cloth down his neck and chest gently, trying to get him to cool down. I don't know if there's anything we can do to combat the fact that his body's fighting against the morphine and I have no fucking clue why he can't have more of it.

His eyes open again, his cheeks flushed as his gaze trained on the ceiling. I swap out the cloth I'm using for a cooler one, trying to be gentle with my movements. He grits his teeth when mom starts in on his wound again, swabbing the area as she parts the skin with some medical instrument.

"Hey, talk to me," I mumble, patting the cloth along his cheek. He flicks his gaze to meet mine and a piece of my heart shatters at the tears gathered in his eyes.  _Please don't cry, Danny._ I clear my throat, trying to pretend that image doesn't ruin me. Cause I have to be strong for him. He needs me to cling to right now. "Wh-Why can't you have a lot of morphine?"

Danny blinks once, letting out a breath through his nose. There's a sheen of sweat on his chest and I continue trying to cool his body, listening for his every breath. Danny grits his teeth with my every movement and I silently apologize for it. I can't stand hurting him but I know I am. Every second that my hands are on him, I'm hurting him worse.

"C-Cause," he grinds out, his whole expression screwing up into pain with the one word. He sucks in a ragged take of oxygen and I glance down at what mom's doing, watching the way she's carefully pinching the skin together again. "It f-fucks with me."

I drag my gaze back to his face, watching the way he tries so hard to hold in the whimper that inevitably escapes. He's trying so fucking hard to be strong but he doesn't have to be. I'm here.  _I'm here, Danny_.

"It's okay," I murmur, brushing my thumb along his cheek before I swap cloths again, pressing the colder side to his cheeks instantly before I move down the rest of his body. "You're doing so great, you know? D-Danny, you're doing great."

He squeezes his eyes closed and mom steps back. She looks up at me, concern clear in her eyes. She glances from the blood on Danny to what's soaked into my clothes and arches an eyebrow. I don't know what to tell her. He's different. I don't know how the fuck he can lose as much blood as he has and still be conscious but he's here.  _Save him, mom, he's still here._

"I need to see if there's anything in the wound," she states plainly, flicking her gaze toward Danny before she's settled on me. "You need to hold him down."

Danny whimpers, turning his head away from me. I slowly ditch the cloths into a pile to busy my hands before I look back up at mom. She nods expectantly and I swallow hard before I move to the head of the bed, putting my hands on his shoulders. I don't exactly press down but I know I'm in a position to stop him from struggling. Which fucking breaks my heart.

He shivers beneath my touch and I hate how  _wrong_ this is. I always imagined touching him and memorizing every curve of his collarbones but not like this. Never like this. There's too much blood for this to be anything like what I've dreamt about.

Mom flexes her fingers before she picks up a medical tool and parts the skin again. She hesitates only a second before she plunges a long pair of tweezers inside his wound and Danny whimpers, the sound so close to my ears, it fucking hurts.

He keeps his grip on the paper of the bed, shaking uncontrollably as tears start to travel down the sides of his face.  _I can't take this. Mom, you're killing the both of us._

I try to whisper to him that it's gonna be okay or that it's almost over or some fucking  _lie_  but he doesn't hear me. He's too lost in his pain. Not that I can fucking blame him. Mom angles the tool differently and Danny lets out a strangled sob, trying desperately to get out of my hold.

"P-Please, I ca-can't… n-no, s-stop please please please pl-" he breaks off into broken sobs and it hurts so bad just hearing him. I want to make it all better and take him away from this pain but I'm forced to break both of us further by holding him down – completely trapping him here.

Tears are gathered in my own eyes as I prevent him from leaving, his strength nowhere close to mine. "I-It's okay… it's g-gonna be okay," I manage to get past my trembling lips. I hate myself for the tears that escape me but just  _looking_  at him fucking hurts.

All the lights in the room start flickering on and off rapidly with every sob and ragged breath that leaves Danny. Mom only glances up once before she's staring down at the wound again. But I'm watching Danny. The way his whole body is shaking like he's about to explode. How his hair looks almost white in this moment and how the few times he's able to open his eyes, they're  _always_ green.  _Danny, what's happening to you?_

Sobs claw their way out of him and he starts begging us to stop. He starts promising me that he'll do anything I ask him to if I just make her stop. He begs for a break, for a second of relief, for us to just let him die, for us to stop and-

"D-Danny, it's almost over," I tell him, glancing at mom, blurry through my tears. "Mom, I d-don't know how long I c-can keep doing this. Y-You've gotta hurry."

Her brows furrow in concentration but she doesn't lift her gaze from the wound. "I'm  _trying_. There's something stuck here. Dash, he's… his body is-"

I don't get a chance to hear mom's revelation. Because whatever's she's tugging on finally breaks loose and she pulls it free from the wound just seconds before I lose my hold on Danny. He bolts upright and lets out a piercing scream. The lights flicker rapidly again and this time, everything in the room begins to shake. Glass jars slide off counters and crash against the floor and picture frames fall from the walls, breaking upon impact.

Mom backs away from the table, wincing as she puts distance between her and the noise. I do the opposite – I turn straight to the noise. I loop my arms around his chest as another scream rocks through him and I squeeze my eyes closed against the ear-piercing pain that splits across my head as his scream continues.

"D-Danny, stop!" I try to yell above him but his voice is louder than mine. He clutches at my shoulders, his whole body shaking in my arms, and it takes me a few seconds after the screaming has stopped before I realize it. Mom's backed up all the way to the door and is blinking rapidly, probably trying to shake the sound from her mind the way I am.

I keep a tight hold on Danny and he clutches at my shirt, whimpering when mom slowly approaches the table again. He clings to me, turning his mouth toward my ear. I almost miss what he says, it's so garbled and fuzzy to me.

"D-Dash, don't l-let her t-touch me… p-please, I c-can't," he whimpers and my heart fucking breaks as I have to force him to lay down. I whisper that it's okay and that it's almost over, the shards of my glass heart piercing my own skin at the whimper he responds with.

Mom takes up her place again, ditching whatever she pulled out of him onto the tray. She cleans the whole area again with alcohol and I have to hold Danny down again. She starts stitching him up and halfway through, I make her stop to give him a break.

I gather him against my chest, letting him sob freely and destroying what's left of my heart. I shush him softly, running my hands down his back in an attempt at reassuring him. He clings to me, his whole body shaking with his cries, and after a few minutes, he lays down again to let mom finish her work. I hold his hand and brush hair back from his forehead, whispering to him about how great he's doing. He whimpers and keeps his teeth gritted as she finishes but  _finally_ , she finishes, and I waste no time in tugging him into my arms again.

Danny cries softly into my neck and I shush him, smoothing down the back of his hair, matted together with blood and streaked with a white I don't understand. He's shaking and fucking  _sobbing_  in my arms and I keep holding him as gently as I can manage. Cause he's not breaking anymore, he's already broken. And I helped break him.

Mom ditches her face mask but puts on a new pair of gloves as she cleans the instruments she used, putting them away in a drawer. She cleans what she can and eyes the table Danny bled onto, probably wondering if the stain will even come out.

After a few seconds of silence, she meets my gaze and pushes out a breath. "Come here."

I consider it for half a second before I shake my head. I can't go to her, I'm holding Danny. Perfect, beautiful,  _broken_  Danny. I can't leave him like this.

"Dash, you're bleeding," mom insists. What the hell is she talking about? Danny's blood is the one coated all over my clothes, it's not mine. She gives me a look and after a few seconds of silence, Danny pulls away from me.

He meets my gaze, with tears at the edges of his eyes. He sniffles lightly, using his wrist to wipe at his face. "G-Go," he mumbles, nodding toward my mom. I don't know why the fuck he wants me to leave him, I'm not bleeding.  _His_  blood is on me, why the fuck are they worrying about me? "I-I'm sorry, i-it's your ears."

I reach a hand up to brush along my ear and I come away with a warm, red fluid coating my fingers.  _What the fuck? When did I start bleeding? Why is he apologizing? When-_

His scream… made my ears bleed?

Mom calls to me again and I numbly walk over to her, reluctantly leaving Danny's side. She instructs me to sit in a chair and has me tip my head to either side, using some kind of tool to look into my ears. She makes a small noise at the back of her throat before she checks my other ear.

After a few seconds of silence, she sits back in her chair, setting the tool on the table beside her. "Your left eardrum is ruptured. I'm gonna find some drops for you to use." She starts for the door but turns back when she's in the doorway. "Stay put, Dash."

It's only a few seconds after she leaves that I ignore her command, instantly going to Danny again. He's sitting up now and watching my every movement as I wet another cloth. I press the cool material to his skin, exhaling out when he closes his eyes.

"I'm… so sorry," I whisper, patting down his skin the best that I can. Mom said his temperature was rising and I don't know if it still is but trying to keep him cool is the only thing I can do right now. And it keeps my hands from shaking and betraying how much this situation has fucked me up.

Danny opens his eyes, looking up at me before he shakes his head. "You… need to…" He glances at the IV still attached to him and pushes out a breath. "This needs to go. I can't… have much more."

"C-Can you have any painkillers?" I question, brushing my thumb along his cheek when he turns back to me. I can't help the stutter that pierces my words as tears gather in my eyes and threaten to spill over. "Anything? I can't s-stand to see you in pain."

He groans softly. "Yeah… I can have Advil and Tylenol – over the counter stuff. Just not morphine. It's too strong, my body hates it." He pulls away from me, exhaling out a breath and I can  _see_ the pain on his face. God, I hope mom has something he can take.

"Do you ever listen to me?" mom asks, suddenly breezing back into the room. She waves me over and I find it hard to leave Danny. I only put a few steps between us and mom exhales out before she meets me by his bed, gently clearing away the blood from my ears with a damp cloth.

Mom tsks, throwing away the cloths we used, before she returns to me with a small bottle. "First thing in the morning and before bed at night. Two drops in both ears," she says when I take it from her. "Your right eardrum is damaged as well but it didn't rupture… your left one probably did cause it was closer to him."

She looks past me then, at Danny, probably wondering how the fuck his scream was able to cause that kind of damage. I want to know too but there's no way in hell I'm about to ask him in front of her.

"Th-Thanks, mom," I mumble and I think she knows I'm not just thanking her for this medicine. It's for everything. For showing up in the middle of the night to fix Danny. For dropping  _everything_  cause I needed her to. God, I don't know what the fuck I would have done if I hadn't been able to convince her to do this for me.

Mom puts a hand on my shoulder and I expel out a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding. I half-turn back to Danny, watching him stare down at his hands in pained silence. "Do you… have any Advil he can take?" I ask, giving mom an apologetic look when I turn back to her. She darts a glance down at her watch before she shakes her head, taking a step away from me.

"No. But I can get some." She looks at Danny again, arching an eyebrow when he looks up at us. "Does that IV need to come out or you want me to leave it in for a little longer?"

Danny absentmindedly scratches at the needle, dislodging the edges of tape with the movement. "It… should probably come out," he mumbles, letting out a breath as he looks up at her with an apology written on his face. "I'm sorry, it's just my body isn't… y-yeah, it's not…" he trails off, dropping his gaze again as his face flushes.

Mom crosses over to him and I do too, holding his hand as she takes out the needle. He relaxes the longer the IV is out, no longer pumping morphine through him. I gently run my hands down his spine, holding him against my chest again, when mom's finished.

I meet mom's gaze and she exhales out. "I'll be back soon and when I am, you two have to leave, alright? People are going to start showing up for work in a couple hours and I need to get this place back in order before they do."

She leaves then and despite knowing that I should probably put away what I can or sweep up the things that broke when Danny screamed so it's less work for mom, I continue holding Danny, not sure if I'm ever gonna let him go again.

* * *

When mom gets back, she has Danny take two Advil's before she hands me a bag with a fresh set of clothes for the both of us.

"I know your size but I got a medium for you, Danny. I hope it fits," mom says, glancing toward me in the silence. Danny silently nods and I ditch the bag in a chair, helping Danny out of his shirt. His cheeks flush like he doesn't want my help but I know he needs it.

Danny meets my gaze as soon as I slip the new shirt on over his head and I try to smile but I don't have the energy. Mom offers to help him into the sweatpants she bought for him and though his cheeks flush again, he nods, leaning on the both of us as we help him out of his bloody pajamas and into the sweatpants instead.

"I'm gonna have to get rid of both of your clothes," mom tells me as I strip out of my own, trying to clear away as much of his blood off my skin as possible.

I barely look up at her before I nod, slipping into my own pair of sweatpants. Danny's sitting in a chair now, the bed too soaked in his own blood for him to get back on it. And I doubt he'd want to anyway.

Mom calls my name as I start toeing my shoes on and she crosses over to me, pressing a key into my palm. "I rented a room for you at the Motel 6 a couple miles down the road. Go there and wait for me, okay? I'll be there as soon as I get this room clean again."

Maybe it's the urgency in her tone. Maybe it's the fact that she's helping me. Maybe it's cause I showed up here with Danny so fucking bloody, I didn't know if he was gonna make it. It all hits me at once and I almost choke as I pull her into my arms, ducking down to kiss the top of her head.

She squeezes me back and lets me hold her for a second before she pulls away, ushering me out the door. I carry Danny to my car and set him down in the passenger seat. He spares a glance at the bloody mess of my backseat and makes a face. I find a jacket in the floor I've been meaning to donate for ages and I carefully position it to cover most of the blood so we won't get pulled over and then we're on our way.

Danny's silent on the ride to the motel and I'm thankful that it's not far from mom's office. Cause I don't know how long I can watch him wince at every turn we take. I park the car as close as I can to the room number on the key mom gave me before I help Danny out of the car. At first, he refuses to let me carry him and we have a brief argument in the parking lot before he eventually gives in. I hold him against my chest as we cross the parking lot and carry him into the room, kicking the door shut behind me.

He doesn't say anything as I set him on the bed and the weight of everything hits me as soon as I'm not holding him and I sink to my knees in front of him, my arms still curled around his back. His hand shakes but he runs it through my hair and I lean forward until my cheek is against his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. Fuck, he was breathing so shallowly on the way to mom, and there was so much blood, and seeing him in so much fucking pain-

I choke, clinging to him and he presses my head closer against his chest, shushing me softly. He dips his head and even in my grief-stricken state, a small part of my heart sparks alive when he presses his lips against my hair.

"It's okay, Dash. I'm so sorry," he murmurs, holding me gently. If this were an ordinary situation, that tiny kiss he just gave me would have completely derailed me. But the panic that I pushed away earlier is fucking  _gouging_  at my bones, forcing its way inside of me. Its icy tendrils close around my heart and squeeze until there's nothing left in me. Until I'm shaking and blinking back tears in Danny's arms, willing myself to calm the fuck down cause this isn't what he needs. I'm supposed to be strong for him but… fuck, how can I do that when I'm barely strong for me?

* * *

Mom shows up about half an hour after I collapsed against Danny's chest and let him hold me. I'm sitting beside him on the bed now, watching him sleep when a soft knock sounds at the door. I spare another glance at him before I get up from the mattress as carefully as I can.

"Hey," I mumble softly as soon as I open the door and see mom on the other side. I lean against the doorframe, exhausted from everything, and watch mom in silence. She's looking toward Danny, curiosity in her gaze, before she focuses on me.

She takes a step back from the door, jerking her head outside in a 'follow me' gesture. "Let's talk out here."

Mom doesn't leave me room for argument before she crosses over to the railing that lines the ground floor of the hotel and leans against it. I look at Danny one final time before I pull the door almost shut behind me and shuffle over to mom.

I slide my hands into my pockets and keep my gaze on the parking lot and the road just beyond this motel. I watch cars zip past and I try not to think about the boy in the room just behind me, sleeping off the worst fucking day ever.

"Danny's… really important to you, huh?" mom asks, glancing my way before she digs into the pocket of her jacket. I don't know when she traded out her scrubs for a pair of jeans and a shirt but she doesn't give me long to think about it before she distracts me with what's in her hands.

Mom props a cigarette between her lips and quickly lights it, exhaling out a cloud of smoke. I don't know what bothers me more. That she's smoking or that I'm not even fucking surprised. She's changed so much since she disappeared, this feels like just another thing she decided to start doing now that she didn't have any deadweight hanging around her neck.

"I'd offer you one but not only am I your mom, I'm also a nurse. I know how horrible these are," she mumbles, taking in another drag anyway.

I want to tell her not to smoke. Or to ask when she started. I want to be able to think about more than just Danny but considering everything I've seen in the last few hours, I don't think I'll be able to process anything else for a long time.

Mom glances my way when I don't respond and she sighs, pocketing her lighter again. "Dash… your friend is…" she trails off, taking in another inhale of her cigarette before she finishes her thought. "He's different."

I keep my gaze on the road beyond the parking lot, counting six cars that pass before I respond.

"Yeah, he is." I push out a breath, wanting to run a hand through my hair or cradle my head in my hands and tell mom everything but I don't. Because I can't. I  _promised_ him I wouldn't say a word to anyone.

The silence doesn't last long before mom lets out a pent-up breath. "He was healing. That's… why it was hard to get that thing out of him," she explains, nodding in the silence. "He'd already begun healing, his muscles were growing back, skin stitching itself back together again. I had to tear him apart just to get to it and trust me, it wasn't easy. Not to mention, his body was fighting against the morphine the whole time and-"

"What'd you find in him?" I ask, finally shifting my gaze away from the road and the cars passing on it. I can't hear mom talk about literally ripping through Danny's skin and muscles to get to whatever the fuck was in him.

Mom's eyebrows draw down but she reaches into her jacket pocket and pulls out a small tube, holding it out to me. "I don't know. It looks like… I don't know what it looks like. Maybe a computer piece or something?" She watches my expression for a second when I take the tube before she asks. "What happened to him? How did that get in there?"

_I don't know._

She doesn't say anything when I silently pocket the tube and turn my gaze out into the parking lot again. I don't know what the hell this is. Or how it got inside of him. When he called me, he just said he'd been shot. He didn't tell me anything else. And once I showed up, I was a little distracted by the blood so… my questions kinda took a back-burner.

"I don't know," I respond, wondering if it'd be better to tell her what I know. Would she know what to do if I told her that government agents took a shot at him? Would Danny ever forgive me if I told her?  _Would I forgive myself?_

Mom falls silent next to me and I only know she's still there from the scent of cigarette smoke hanging between us and the occasional sigh that leaves her. Right now, she's not really mom. She's just the person that fixed the boy my bruised heart has fallen for. She's just a body standing next to me and that should cut me and burn me more than it does. But I think all of my broken pieces are back in that hotel room with Danny.

"Dash, I've never seen you talk to anyone the way you spoke to him."

Shit. She's not just a body anymore. She's flesh and blood again. Someone that's noticed the way I look at Danny. She's not an idiot, she knows that the way my gaze lingers on him isn't the way I look at my friends. Even if we never get a chance to be together, she knows that in my eyes, he'll still never just be a friend.

"He was dying, mom," I respond, surprised that the usual tension that's supposed to follow mom's almost question doesn't spring to life in my gut. By now, I'm usually a nervous fucking mess just thinking about someone else noticing my growing feelings. But I don't feel anything. I swallow back everything I want to say about him and let out a low breath instead.

She's quiet next to me for only a few seconds before she exhales out another breath of smoke. Two drags later, she finally asks. "Are you two… dating?"

"No."

The response burns on the way out but not just cause I want it to be a yes. It burns because mom should have been with me this past year. She should have seen the way I've opened up to Danny and she should have fucking noticed how close I am to him before now. Cause she's my mom and I'm supposed to be able to share this kind of shit with her.

"It… kind of looked that way," mom says softly, her eyebrows drawn down when I look at her. "You don't have to explain if you don't want to but… it's okay if that's what it is."

It's not. This thing I have with Danny, it's not dating. I know that I care about him as way more than a friend and the fact that he trusts me enough to let me in on his secret about phantom is probably a clear sign that I'm closer to him than anyone else has ever gotten. But we're not dating. As much as I ache to be the one he lies next to… we're not together. And I don't think we ever will be.

Mom starts to say something when I stay silent, inject some of her advice, trying to be my mom again and I can't hear it. I just watched the boy I love almost die and she might have patched him up but there's no way in hell I'm ever letting her try to do the same to me.

"If you'd been here, you'd know what the fuck's going on in my life. But you haven't been. So you don't. And it'd take me way too fucking long to catch you up so just stop." I don't spit the words at her and my voice hasn't risen in volume at all but she still reacts like I've slapped her.

I only watch her for a second or two before I look away, turning my gaze out into the parking lot with a heavy sigh. I hate that I'm doing this now. Pushing her away after she saved Danny. But my head and my heart aren't communicating.

"Baby… you know if I could've stayed with you, I would have," mom says softly, her hand on my shoulder. Her cigarette is left on the railing and I find myself watching the small line of smoke that trails from it instead of her. "If there was any chance for me to have been there for you through your final year of high school, you  _know_  I would have done it. But I couldn't stay there anymore, Dash. Not in that house. It was too hard waking up every day next to a man I didn't love anymore and wondering when he was going to go off again. O-Or when I would… lay awake at night, thinking of telling you about-"

"You could have taken me with you."

Mom's face falls. It fucking  _hurts_  to see her expression crumpling in front of me cause I've finally said the shit that's been tearing at me since the day she walked out. I've turned the thought over in my mind a million fucking times as I laid in my bed, wondering if she was ever coming back for me. And she knows it too. She could have taken me with her.

"I told you… I didn't want you in the middle of this thing with your father," mom says, and I can't help but feel like it's a lie. Instead of having to chase after us, dad had me as a punching bag every day since mom left. He's never found her since she left but he's fucked me up so many times since she's been gone. She can think whatever the hell she wants but it would have been better to just take me with her.

I take a step away from her, putting distance between us and the air immediately feels colder. I barely noticed that I wasn't wearing a jacket when I left the house to get Danny and I didn't realize how cold it is outside until this moment. Where mom's trying so desperately to hang on to us and for once in my life, I'm the one who's pulling away. Cause I fucking love mom but I can't do this.

* * *

After a few long, awkward silences in between what little conversation we manage to make, mom decides to go. She tells me that she'll call me when I can come talk to her lawyer and even though I know she probably wants to hug me, I say goodbye without offering one.

I watch her from the doorway of the room, wondering if I should wave or not as her car pulls out of the lot. It's past nine in the morning now but the clouds overhead don't seem to care. They refuse to break to let the sun out or deliver the rain so it leaves the sky as this overcast, greyness looming in the distance. The kind of greyness that leaks into your soul if you let it.

Mom's car disappears down the road and I lean against the doorframe, trying to think all of this shit over but getting nowhere. My mind's too split between a million different things and I think I'd stay in the doorway, staring out at nothing, if it wasn't for Danny's soft noise behind me.

He's awake when I step back into the room, gingerly sitting up with a wince. He lets out a low breath and his gaze sweeps around the room, probably reorienting himself with his surroundings. After a few seconds, he meets my gaze with a soft noise.

I push the door closed and go to him immediately. It'd take a fucking hurricane to keep me away now. I carefully sink down on the edge of the bed, leaning forward to brush the hair back from his forehead. A flush of pink dots his skin at the movement and if it wasn't for his disheveled state, that color on him would completely unnerve me.

Danny leans back, his gaze dropping from mine. "So… that's the… that's your mom, huh?"

"Yeah." I turn my gaze toward the closed door as I think about her driving away from us now. We're only here because she arranged it for us. So Danny would have somewhere to rest instead of getting in the car for another few hours to get back to Amity Park. And I just sent her away cause she left me with dad? The shit with dad fucking sucks but that doesn't matter right now. She helped Danny. That should be enough.

I shift a little on the mattress, wondering if I have the balls to crawl up further on the bed next to him and pull him into my arms just to make sure he's okay, but something digs into my thigh before I can make a decision. The tube that mom handed me is just barely poking out of my pocket and I tug it free, exhaling out heavily before I turn toward Danny.

He's leaning back against the headboard, his gaze drifting over the room and I hesitate only a second before I hold it out toward him. "Here."

Danny's gaze shifts down to the tube and he arches an eyebrow before taking it from me. He turns it over in his hands, inspecting it from various angles until he looks back up at me, a question written all over his face. "What… is this?"

I shrug. "I don't know. My mom said she pulled it out of you."

He winces a little and I wonder if he's remembering that moment the way that I am. I'm sure he's just remembering intense pain but I remember the scream he gave and the way he fucking  _clung_  to me afterwards. God, I don't want him to ever make that sound again.

"Huh." Danny drops the tube next to him on the mattress and lets out a breath, running his hands through his hair. He looks wrecked. Like his sanity is completely fried and he's barely holding himself together right now. As fucking selfish as it sounds… I know the feeling. I wasn't the one on the table in that doctor's office but these past few hours have been  _hell_  for me.

I don't know if the silence falls naturally between the two of us or if I'm supposed to say something – maybe ask what he thinks that thing is – but I don't make a move to disturb the quiet. I just try to relax into it and keep myself from glancing his way every few seconds.

Danny's quiet for a while too, both of us just staring around the room at nothing in particular, and I try not to let my mind wander too far into dark shit. I shut down all thoughts about mom or dad or myself and just mentally check out, focused only on the boy next to me. I pretend these last few hours never happened. I imagine things differently. We're still in a hotel room in my mind but he's not in pain and I'm far braver than I feel. He's warm in my arms and my heart belongs to him in my day dream.

It isn't until Danny snorts that I pull my mind from its selfish desire and look toward him.

He gives me a wry smile but it's tinged with exhaustion and it doesn't inject even a little happiness into me like it normally would. "I guess you're gonna have to kill me, huh?" he asks, the humor lost on me as he laughs softly. "When… we met this year a-and… ditched school to get something to eat… you told me if I bled all over your car, you'd have to kill me."

Shit, I did say that. That was before I knew my heart planned on falling for him. I hate that a stupid, shitty joke I made ages ago has come up like this. He did bleed in my car and I was right then, I never wanted him to. Not cause of my stupid car. Cause of my stupid heart. I can't take seeing him like this.

"You'll… have to forgive me for not following through with that," I mumble, running a hand down my face. I push out a breath, trying to hang on to the frazzled edges of my sanity without breaking apart like I did earlier. I'm pretty sure once is enough.

Danny laughs again, letting out a low breath. "So…"

The silence blankets us again and it takes me a few seconds before I look toward Danny again, watching the way he swallows before his eyebrows draw down. He chews his bottom lip and opens his mouth twice before he actually speaks. "When… you called your mom earlier… you told her that you'd… lie?" he asks, concern in his gaze when I respond with only a nod. "Dash, what… were you talking about?"

He's staring back at me expectantly and I don't know how to tell him that I gave up on fighting back against mom because of him. To  _save_  him. Because I would rather tell a thousand lies about the shit dad did to us than watch Danny die.

"It's a long story," I mumble, looking away from him again. It isn't really. It boils down to a few major points but it feels long. And I don't want to think anymore.

I crawl across the bed to lean against the headboard next to Danny. He watches my movements until I'm settled and once I am, he scoots closer to me and rests his head against my shoulder. We have to go back to Amity Park at some point but I barely slept last night and I know what he managed to get earlier probably didn't do much. He's just as exhausted as I am and it doesn't take long for sleep to pull us under. The last thing I remember doing is turning my head toward Danny, my lips brushing along his hair line as I curl my arm around him to hold him tighter. I tell myself it's just to make sure he's safe. But my heart knows it's so much more than that.

* * *

Danny's ringing phone wakes us both. I don't know what time it is but there's barely any light coming in through the curtains when we stir and I guess it still hasn't rained.

Danny groans softly, patting the comforter with his hand until he finds his phone beneath it. He pulls away from my chest to press his phone to his ear.

""lo?" he mumbles, rubbing at his eye with one fist.

He almost freezes before he slowly drags in a breath and flicks his gaze up to meet mine. His face flushes and he exhales out softly before he manages to speak. "D-Dad, hi," he breathes, swallowing hard as he sits upright on the bed. "No, I'm fine. Dad,  _no_ , I'm fine."

I sit up with him, finding my own phone buried beneath the covers. There's half a dozen texts from my teammates and Kwan, all asking where I'm at, and I know I won't have the energy to respond to any of them until later.

Kwan's text messages increasingly get more worried the longer I scroll through them so I type out a response to him. He's probably picturing the day he came to my house after dad chained me to the end of my bed to keep me from going anywhere. And as exhausted as I am and as much as I just want to focus on Danny, it's not fair to leave Kwan worrying like that.

**To: Kwan**

_**I'm fine, I promise. The past couple of hours have been crazy. I'm alive though, so no worries** _

I know he'll probably ask if this has anything to do with my dad and I know I won't have an answer for him. Cause if I say no, he'll ask what it is then. And if I say yes, he'll want to see me and I don't think I can see anyone right now.

"Dad, I'm just… with a friend," Danny says, glancing my way when I look up from my phone. I meet his gaze and he sinks his teeth into his bottom lip, shaking his head once. I wish I knew what he's thinking. What runs through his mind when he looks at me and if I'll only ever be a friend in his eyes or if we could be more to him too.

_He literally almost died today. Chill your fucking hormones._

I breathe out and leave the bed, ditching my phone on the end of it. I run my hands through my hair and pace the room, pretending like I'm gathering up stuff like our shoes and shit but there's not much here. Aside from the painkillers mom got for Danny and the stuff for my ears she gave me.

"I-I'm with Mitch," Danny says suddenly and I look up at him.

He sinks his teeth into his bottom lip and shakes his head with a sigh before his eyes fall closed. "Yeah, you met him. I know, I know. But he's… he's fine, okay?" Danny says, groaning softly before he nods. "Right, I know. I'll see you when I get home okay? I should be headed back there in like an hour or something so… I'll see you then, okay?"

Danny ends the call with his dad after they exchange goodbye and then he's just staring down at his phone. His face is flushed and even though I shouldn't ask – even though I have no  _right_ to ask – I ask anyway.

"You uh… told him you're with Mitch, huh?"

He looks up at me, his face flushed darker and he nods. "I'm sorry," he whispers, shaking his head and looking away from me again. He shrugs one shoulder and even though that should be enough, it's not. Even though he shouldn't have to explain any of this shit to me, it's not enough. Cause nothing ever is for me.

I cross over to the bed again, sinking down on my side. I let out a quiet breath before I turn to look at him. "Why?"

Danny groans, leaning his head back against the headboard. He shakes his head and I hate myself for the tears he's blinking back. I start to apologize, tell him that I'm just being a stubborn fucking asshole, but he won't hear it.

"No, you're… you're not an asshole, Dash," he says, his gaze downcast as he swallows hard. "Assholes don't show up in the middle of the night to save someone else. You're… you're not an asshole."

He looks toward me again, sniffling softly in the quiet, and I ache to hold him. To chase away whatever's picking at him this way. He shrugs one shoulder and lets out a breath before he says it. "It's just… I didn't want to tell my dad I was with you because he'd ask a lot of questions and I…  _obviously_ don't have the energy for that yet," he says softly, looking away from me for a few seconds before he shrugs, shifting his gaze over to me again.

I swallow hard and try to put distance between myself and what he's said. But this is me and I can fucking never let anything go.

"Your parents don't like me?" I ask.

Danny groans, like that's the last thing he wanted me to bring up, but he meets my gaze. He shakes his head and puts his hand on my arm. "They just don't know you. My dad met you once a while ago and my mom…" he pulls his hand away from me and scratches the back of his head. "My mom's a little… difficult to get along with as it is s-so… She just needs to meet you under better circumstances."

I don't know if there's anything I can do to make his parents like me but it's not like it matters. A friend doesn't care if his friend's parents don't like him. And even though I see Danny as so much more than just a friend, I don't think he'll ever see me the same.

"Th-That's why… you should come to my place for Thanksgiving," he says, nodding once when I look up at him. "I'm serious, you should come spend the day with us. Let both of my parents meet you in a good situation and… And I know that they'll see what I see when I look at you."

_What do you see when you look at me, Danny? Is it what I see when I steal a glance at you? Do you think of me fondly at night the way I do you? Do you want your parents to like me because you like me? Or is it all just to make this friendship easier?_

I don't know why I agree but I give in with a nod. I don't know if his parents will ever like me or if it'll change anything if they do. But if he wants me to spend the holiday with him, I will. Because he's hurting and he wants me and I only ever know how to run to him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in one month, say whaaaat?
> 
> Hello and welcome to hell! Enjoy your STAY ;p
> 
> So first, sorry for that pun – it couldn't be helped. Second… I'M SO GLAD THIS CHAPTER IS UP! I've been waiting FOREVER to get this chapter out there and it finally is and I'M SO HAPPY! Let it be known, chapter 61 is proof that I don't just torture Dash. I'm capable of torturing Danny too
> 
> Okay so anyway. What did you think? I hope my warning at the beginning was enough to prepare you guys for this chapter – I know it's an intense one so, sorry about that. But literally, last chapter was so happy, you guys didn't seriously expect me to leave it that way for long did you?
> 
> What did you think of Dash going back on his decision with his mom to save Danny? How'd you like the actual saving part? And how's about that scream making Dash's ears bleed, huuuuh? What do you think of Dash's mom helping him save Danny?
> 
> As you can tell, I'm really invested in this chapter so if you like it, please let me know in the comments/reviews of this update – or just come scream in my ask box on tumblr if you want to. Either way works for me
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from This Goodbye by Beth Crowley. The song itself is about a death and how moving on from it has proven to be impossible. Obviously, I wasn't going to kill Danny off but I just felt that this line from the song was perfect for the title so I went with it
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this update, it's been one of the quickest chapters to edit and I'm excited that it's finally out there. So much is happening now and this chapter is just the start of what's to come
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with this story and for checking out this update, it really does mean a lot to me. You're all the best and if I don't update again before Christmas, I hope you enjoy the holidays – whatever you're celebrating!
> 
> See you next update!


	62. When I Think Of You My Mind Goes Wild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for potentially upsetting dialogue, including talk of injury, blood, and mention of past suicide attempt

 

I drive him home. It's awkward and uncomfortable and I'm  _constantly_ looking at him to make sure he's alright. But with every mile we drive, he seems to feel better and I just keep telling myself that he's okay. That'll he be okay.  _God, please be okay._

I'm running on barely any sleep and adrenaline at this point but Danny's the one to suggest we stop for coffee. Stopping for anything didn't even cross my mind but when Danny insists, I give in. Because I don't want to make him argue and because I don't fucking feel like arguing.

Even though we stop a few times because of a traffic accident we're stuck behind or for coffee, we still make decent time getting back to his place. It's just past eight in the morning when I pull my car to a stop at the edge of his lawn.

I'm sure his parents will have questions. They'll wonder why he was out with me all night and why he's coming home wearing pajamas that aren't his. I should let him go. I should just tell him that I'll text him later or something but I can never let things end that easily. And he doesn't leave my car even though nothing's keeping him here so I turn to look at him.

He's staring out the window, tension in his expression as he chews on his bottom lip. There's blood in his hair and I ache to wash it out for him. To remove every trace of this horrible day but there's not much I can do.

"I'm… really glad you're okay," I mumble, afraid to speak more than what a friend would. I just want to bury my face in his chest and hold him close again. I don't ever want to let him go cause I'm fucking terrified now that I'll never see him again.

Danny exhales out quietly, nodding as he turns his gaze from the window to look at me. He's quiet as he chews on his bottom lip again for a few seconds before he lets out a quiet breath. "I'm… really sorry about your car," he says softly, dropping his gaze from mine as he shrugs.

"Don't even think about that. I'm just… I'm glad you're okay," I repeat and he nods again.

Silence falls between the two of us and I'm not sure how to break it. I don't know what needs to be said in this moment or even what he needs to hear. I just know that my heart felt ready to burst when his stuttered voice came on the line this morning. And I don't ever want to feel that fear again.

"I'm guessing you're not showing up to school today," I joke, hoping he gets the humor.

Danny snorts, turning to look back at me with a shrug. "Thought I'd sit this one out. Tomorrow too probably." He leans his head back against the seat, blinking a few times in silence before he speaks again. "Are you going?"

"Not today," I respond, already knowing that as soon as he's out of my sight, I'll be a nervous fucking wreck. I need to be able to check up on him at any point. And being stuck in classrooms for eight hours isn't gonna help me.

He nods, looking away for a second before he meets my gaze with an almost sleepy smile. "If you go tomorrow… mind picking up my homework for me?"

"Sure," I respond, my tongue feeling like sandpaper in my mouth. "That's uh… you want me to bring it by when I come over on Thursday?"

He frowns for a second before his expression eases and he nods. "Right, Thanksgiving. Yeah, bring it by then if you don't mind," he says, letting out a quiet breath as he looks away from me. "I'll text you my classes later, okay?"

"Yeah, of course," I mumble in response, the familiar taste of tension in the back of my throat again. I don't know how to end this moment or say goodbye. I don't want to see him leave my car but I know that he can't stay with me all day. His parents want to see him. And they're gonna have so many fucking questions.

Danny turns back to me, a smile on his face that seems forced but it's always so hard to tell with him. "Guess I'll see you Thursday then," he says, picking up his phone from the center console. Tiny drops of blood have gathered on the back of his phone case and he tries to keep from seeing as soon as he notices but there's no keeping this from me anymore.

This feels like a moment when I'm supposed to tell him that his phone call scared the shit out of me. That seeing him covered in blood was like something out of one of my darkest nightmares. But I don't have the strength to speak and he doesn't seem to need my pathetic attempt at a conversation anyway.

He leaves my car and I wish I had parked closer to his house so he didn't have to walk as far. I wish I had the nerve to chase after him and insist on fucking  _carrying_ him into his house. But he makes it to the porch in one piece and when he turns back to give me a wave, I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding in.

I wave at him in return before I'm pulling away from his yard, my every nerve ending on fire. I don't know how I'm supposed to get through these next couple of days without seeing him. I keep reminding myself that I'll see him on Thursday but for my panic-riddled brain, it's not enough. And I know I'll end up texting him a dozen times over the next couple of days, just wondering if he's alright.

* * *

My house is dark when I pull into the drive. For a few seconds, I wonder if dad's left the power bill for me to take care of again. And as soon as that thought crosses my mind, I realize how little it matters. After everything that's happened today, losing the power in my home means absolutely nothing.

Every step I take up to my house seems to drag all the energy from my body. I'm exhausted by the time I've gotten my front door open but I know I can't sleep yet. There's no way I can fall asleep in these clothes, carrying these memories to bed with me.

My movements are slow as I gather my clothes for a shower and for once, it's not cause I'm in pain. At least… the pain I feel isn't for me. It's for a boy so badly broken, I couldn't hold him together this time. My own hands couldn't fix him and I don't know why that hurts so much but it  _hurts_.

I get in the shower and even though the water's warm, I don't think I've ever felt so cold in my life. My hands shake as I wash my hair and when I'm rinsing the last of the suds away, I realize how dark my fingernails are. And I almost spew vomit when I realize that the darkness is actually blood.  _Danny's_ blood. Caked under my fingernails.

My fingers turn red as I scrub every last bit of it away and when my eyes get too blurry to see what I'm doing, I only scrub harder and pretend that the water on my face is just from the shower.

* * *

I'm a wreck on Tuesday. I know I get to all of my classes on time and I pick up Danny's homework and I eat lunch with the guys but I'm a complete wreck. I take notes for myself and I try to pay attention to Algebra but I can't. Everything my teacher says just passes right through me like I'm not sitting here anymore. Like I'm sitting far away from here, holding the hand of a boy I love just to make sure that he's okay. And I guess that's where my mind will be until I'm actually sitting with him again.

Kwan asks me a couple of times if I'm okay and I even attract Keith's attention once or twice. But I give them both excuses and I fly under the radar for the most part. Except in Mr. Lancer's class.

He calls on me specifically to see if I know where Danny might be and I end up saying that he's sick. Even though it's not entirely a lie, it stills sits at the back of my throat like one. Mr. Lancer thinks it's the truth but I have a hard time swallowing it down. Danny's not sick. He almost fucking  _bled out_  yesterday.

I collect Danny's English homework when the class is over and I slide it into my backpack with mine. My hands shake just a little as I try to keep my rattled brain focused on anything other than how warm his blood was as it soaked into my clothes. How terrified he was when it was all happening and how fucking little I could do to help him.

"Earth to Dash," Jeff says with a grin as I look up from my backpack. "You've been spacing out all day, dude. Ready for the holidays to start, or what?"

I shrug, slinging my backpack onto my shoulders. "Something like that," I respond, letting out a low breath before I look back at him. "I'm headed home so… I'll see you. Enjoy Thanksgiving."

Jeff calls my name before I can get far from him and he quickly cross over to me. He takes me by the elbow and steers me out into the hall. He waits for a couple of freshman girls to pass by us before he looks back at me, raising an eyebrow.

"What the hell is going on with you?" he asks, hesitating a second before he asks it. "Did something happen between you and Fenton?"

I shake my head, chewing hard on my bottom lip as I drop my gaze to the ground. I just want to get out of here before Kwan comes out into the hall and notices me. It's always so fucking hard to lie to Kwan and I know that I won't be able to do it this time. Cause I'm still fucked up from everything that happened.

"Dude, what the fuck is wrong?" Jeff asks me but his voice sounds bewildered instead of irritated. He uses his one hand to turn my face a little, whistling quietly as he talks. "Your ear is bleeding, what the fuck happened?"

I push his hand away from me, swiping my hand down the side of my face. I didn't even feel it start. But my ear's pouring blood again and I guess my eardrum is still damaged. I put the drops in like mom told me to but I guess that's not enough.

When I look down the hall, I can see Kwan standing with Keith and I know it's only a matter of time before they look my way. But I can't talk to them and I need to get this blood off my face so I move down the hall just a little and duck into the bathroom.

Jeff follows me inside and I groan, dropping my backpack on the floor. "You don't have to stick around, you know. I've got this," I say with far too much bite in my tone. I know I'm pushing him away when there's no fucking reason to but I don't want him to ask. I don't want to  _lie_.

"Did your old man do this to you?" he asks, coming over to the sink and giving me a look. "You know you don't have to put up with his shit, right?

I don't want to correct him cause it's a decent lie. He knows the truth about my dad and usually if I'm bleeding, it's cause of something dad's done. But I don't want to fucking lie and I really don't want to lie about  _this_.

"Stay with me over the holidays. You can get away from him for a couple of days," he says, shrugging when I look back at him. "My dad likes you and mom always says that your manners are way better than mine so… come over. I promise I won't let them ask any questions."

I unroll paper towels from the dispenser and shove a wad underneath the running water, trying to think this through. If I let Jeff think that this has something to do with my dad, he'll never let it go. But it's not like I can explain what's really going on. I can't tell him the truth.

"Dash, look, I get it. You don't have to explain how it happened. But your dad is… he's horrible to you. And you don't have to spend time with him.  _Especially_ over the holidays. So just… come stay with me and my family. It'll be fine, I'll-"

I slam my hand down on the faucet, listening to the last few drops hitting the sink before I drag in a breath. I look at Jeff, feeling like I need to bolt from the room or fucking  _vomit_. I don't know why my heart is slamming around inside my chest or why my stomach is dong somersaults. It's just  _Jeff_. But I'm nervous as fuck and no amount of careful breaths can stop it.

"It wasn't my dad, Jeff," I respond, rolling my eyes when he raises an eyebrow in disbelief. "If it was my own fucking father, I could own up to it. I'd fucking tell you but it wasn't fucking him."

Jeff blinks, his eyebrows high on his forehead as he stares at me. When I get a look at myself in the mirror, I can see the flush rising to my cheeks and the blood still running from my ear. I look like a fucking mess and I sound like an even worse one. I don't want to be talking about this in the middle of the men's bathroom. I just want to go home and text Danny a million fucking times until the panicked heart of mine learns to breathe again in the space where he no longer is.

I try to ignore Jeff for a few minutes while I wipe up most of the blood that's run down the side of my face, and he stays silent while I work. It doesn't take me long to get the bleeding to stop and I breathe a sigh of relief as I throw away the last of the paper towels.

"I'm fine, okay?" I mumble, my voice a lot calmer now that I'm not trying desperately to keep the panic at bay.

Jeff still doesn't buy it, I can tell from the look on his face, but it's not like I have any other excuse to explain this shit away. Danny's fucked so I'm fucked. And I don't know how to make sense of it. I don't know how to find the words to tell my teammate that I'm not okay cause Danny's not okay.

"You know you can tell me the truth, right? This shit doesn't change anything about you to me. You're still Dash – reigning champ of beer pong." He waits until I look up at him with a sigh before he continues. " _And_ … one of my best friends. So. If shit sucks, you can tell me."

A stuttered breath tumbles from my lips and I turn my back to the sink, leaning against it as I run my hand through my hair. I can't tell him the truth. But offering up another lie doesn't sit right in my bones anymore. Jeff's a good guy. A good friend. He deserves better than a lie and I fucking hate that it's all I have to offer.

"I don't want to lie to you, Jeff. But I can't tell you the truth either," I admit, chewing on my bottom lip as I think over everything that's happened.

Jeff groans softly, but he claps me on the shoulder. "Fine. But expect me to call your ass over the holiday break to make sure you haven't keeled over somewhere," he says, pulling his phone from his pocket and making a face. "I gotta go. I'm having dinner with Star and her parents tonight but I'll definitely call you over the weekend or something."

He gives me another grin and roughly shoves my shoulder before he's heading for the exit. He's almost at the door when he turns back to me. "Oh and one more thing. If I see you bleeding again, I'm telling Kwan. Cause we all know he'll make you get it checked out," he says with another grin and then he's slipping out the door.

I lean back against the sink when he disappears and I flick my gaze up to the ceiling. I didn't have to lie to him but the taste of holding back isn't something I want to get used to again. I've always held back – from Paulina, Alex, my mom… I've never let any of them see how badly I'm doing and I don't want to fall back into old habits. I used to be okay with keeping people at arm's length but all I want to do now is hold them close. And I can only hope that it's not too late to do that.

* * *

I've come to learn that there's different types of anxiety. Some don't tear at me the way that others do. And I'm learning how to be okay with all of them.

There's the kind of anxiety I have before a game. The kind I feel when dad's angry and I'm avoiding his fists. The anxiety of being cornered by a friend who's worried about me but I know I have to lie to protect them. The anxiety that only comes when my phone rings in the middle of the night and I rush a friend to a makeshift hospital just to keep them alive. And then there's this. The kind of anxious only Danny can make me.

Waking up alone in my bed on Thanksgiving morning makes it feel like any other normal day. But I'm supposed to be at Danny's house in a few hours for lunch with his family which makes this  _anything_ but a normal day. I don't exactly  _mind_  this kind of anxiety. Maybe cause it feels more like butterflies than knives stabbing into my gut.

I kick my covers off and run a hand through my hair, taking a glance around my room. Everything feels out of place and I don't think I can stand looking at the absolute chaos that's been surrounding me since the summer.

After a glance at the various holiday texts from my teammates, I get out of my bed and power up my stereo. Dad chose to work a shift today and I heard him leave early this morning so I put on *NSYNC's greatest hits album without a second thought.

When Justin Timberlake starts crooning out the opening lines to  _Bye Bye Bye_ , I start gathering up the clothes I've left strewn all over my floor for the past few weeks. I start down the stairs to run a load of laundry, practically waddling down each step cause of how full my arms are piled.

Once I'm downstairs and I've thrown a load in, I grab a trash bag on my way up the stairs, intent on finally getting rid of the piles of shit I've had sitting around to drop off at the local charity drive since the fucking spring or something.

It takes me a good hour and a half to get all of my shit back in order and by then, my laundry has gone through the dryer. I bring up the load of clean clothes and while I start hanging most of it, I have a mini-breakdown in the middle of it, realizing for the first time since I woke up that I need to decide what the fuck I'm wearing to this lunch.

Nothing in my closet or on my bed looks good enough to meet Danny's parents in. I've technically  _already_  met them both but it doesn't count. Cause I met Mr. Fenton before I realized that I was in love with his son. The meeting with his mom happened more recently but it didn't go as well as I thought it would so… it doesn't count either. This time, it feels more official. Which is fucking crazy cause we're not dating. And meeting a friend's parents is  _nothing_  like meeting a boyfriend's parents. But my stupid, love-drunk heart decides to prepare like it's the latter.

I go through everything I own three times before I come up with a collection of acceptable options – completely freaking out on which one to go with. As I'm staring down at all my options, my stupid brain decides to remind me that I don't actually have time for this – I need to leave within the next hour and a half and I haven't even showered yet. Which is a great thing to be reminded of while I'm having a breakdown over a fucking outfit.

After several unsuccessful games of 'eeny meeny miney moe', I give up and find my phone buried beneath the pile of clothes I've yet to hang up. I nervously chew my fingernails as I type with one hand, hoping that he's not busy.

**To: Kwan**

_**I could really use your help** _

I stare down at the outfits laid out on my bed for about three seconds before I start taking photos, sending each outfit off for Kwan's approval. When I wasn't so lost in my own head on Tuesday, I mentioned that I was spending Thanksgiving with Danny's family and Kwan teased me just a little. I don't even know if he realized I was being serious. To be fair, I was a fucking wreck on Tuesday.

A breath leaves me as I lean against my bed, Monday's events flashing through my mind again. I spent yesterday doing nothing other than worrying over Danny and occasionally working through a math problem. I barely remember Tuesday, other than Jeff cornering me. I just remember Monday. In crystal clear detail.

Thinking about the shit that happened to Danny causes a different kind of anxiety to pick at my bones and I hate the way it feels. So I push that day from my mind and focus on the clothes I still have spread on my mattress instead. Nothing like the thought of meeting your not-boyfriend's parents to drive out the darker thoughts.

I look between the outfits again, remembering that I need a jacket since it's actually cold out now - the weather channel's predicting snow this weekend. Which is cool and all but… fuck what jacket do I add to any of these options? Is my letterman jacket too much? I have one in the back of my closet that makes me look like a fucking marshmallow that mom  _forced_  me to wear for two years in a row… I don't even know if that one will fit me anymore… fuck why am I overthinking this?

After about ten years of silence, my phone  _finally_  vibrates from a response. I snatch the damn thing from my bed, waiting while the rest of his rapid-fire messages appear on my screen.

**From: Kwan**

_**Omg, are you serious?** _

_**This is so adorable** _

_**Just wear what makes you comfortable. Remember, confidence is sexy ;P** _

**To: Kwan**

_**Shut up** _

_**If I wanted some cheesy pep talk I woulda put on fucking Oprah** _

_**Help me, now** _

**From: Kwan**

_**3 3 3** _

_**You're so cute, Dash** _

**To: Kwan**

_**Do I need to fucking throttle you?** _

_**Just tell me what looks good or I swear I'll drive to your house and strangle you** _

I chew on the inside of my cheek and glance through the outfits again. Why can't Kwan lay off the teasing for just a few fucking seconds and help me before I have another goddamn breakdown? Groaning, I send another message, finally going for broke.

**To: Kwan**

_**I've never tried to impress a guy before… I don't know what I'm doing** _

**From: Kwan**

_**Okay, okay. Can you Facetime?** _

**To: Kwan**

_**Only if you're not gonna make fun of me** _

* * *

It takes the two of us thirty minutes longer than it should to put together an outfit that Kwan thinks is good and that I don't feel like an idiot in. I've settled on the pair of jeans I wore on my birthday, in a pathetic attempt to impress him then too, and a black sweater with a tiny emblem or logo stitched at the bottom hem. Kwan says that the outfit is sharp. I'm just glad that I don't have to wear my stupid marshmallow jacket.

We decided that the letterman jacket wasn't too much and it actually provides a conversation starter in case I get there and feel awkward as fuck. Which eases some of the tension building in my gut and I feel less like puking up stomach acid onto my bedroom floor.

I thank Kwan for his help, and flip him off when he starts teasing me, before I end the call and then it's silent in my bedroom. I turned the music off earlier when I called Kwan and even though the silence is scratching at my brain, I don't have time to turn it back on again.

As soon as I find a towel, I get into the shower and go through the motions as fast as I can. I find my razor as soon as I step out and clear away the steam that's settled on the mirror, intent on taking care of this stubble I've let grow for the past couple of days.

During my search for shaving cream underneath the sink, I find some cologne that Paulina gifted me a couple Christmases ago. Once the stubble is gone and I've decided that the cologne actually smells pretty decent, I dot some of it onto my neck and the underside of my jawline, hoping that I'm not going overkill.  _Try to remember that mentally telling Danny you like him isn't the same thing as_ actually  _telling him. You're meeting your wannabe-boyfriend's parents. Not your actual boyfriend's parents._

I grumble as I shove the cologne underneath the sink again and check over my reflection with a sigh. I look okay. Not the kind of person that would make Danny's heart race but… I look okay.

Once I'm dressed, it takes about three tries to get a decent enough photo to send to Kwan on snapchat. I thank him for his help in the caption and he responds with a string of heart-eyed emoji's. I roll my eyes when he sends back a photo of his stupid grin with the caption,  _"If Danny doesn't want you, hmu hottie ;p",_ reminding me that as helpful as he can be, deep down, Kwan will always be a thirsty fucker.

* * *

Driving usually has a calming effect on me. I get lost in the way the road feels under my tires and the radio drifting softly from my speakers. But today's drive only serves to give the anxiety more opportunity to somersault inside my gut.

I get to Danny's place a little past noon and I coast to a stop at the edge of his lawn. Danny told me that lunch was at twelve-thirty… being early is a good thing, right? It's not too eager or pathetic, is it?  _Fucking chill, he's just your friend. Your really hot friend that you sometimes wanna kiss._  Shit, I can't think that way. I'm gonna be sitting at a table with his  _parents_ , I can't think about how hot he is. ...Fuck, now I can't think about anything  _other_  than how hot he is.

After I double-check that the backseat is still covered with an old sheet I found in dad's closet this morning, I push out a breath and aim the rearview mirror toward my face. I still don't look  _'sweep Danny off his feet'_  good but I don't look horrible. With a grumble, I get out of my car and take the stack of his homework assignments with me. I shuffle my feet in place, staring up at his front door instead of mustering up the courage to walk up and knock. Shit, why is this fucking with me? Why am I still so goddamn nervous?

There's a brief moment of panic where I wonder if I should have brought something with me, some kind of gift for the Fenton's. After I scroll back through the texts I sent Danny the other day, I'm able to convince myself that it's fine. I specifically asked if I should bring anything with me today and he said no. Actually, he said he'd kick my ass if I did which I take as the same thing. God help me if he was kidding.

Every step I take toward the door makes the nervous feeling in my stomach grow, ballooning out on all sides of me like a fucking bubble. I think of pins and sharp objects and  _anything_ that could puncture this film that's growing around me but I settle on letting out a pent-up breath and shuffling my feet before I ring the doorbell.

I don't even realize how much I'm straining my ears to hear movement from the other side of the door until I hear Danny's voice. I don't catch what he says but I recognize his voice. He's talking to someone that isn't close to the door like he is and I fucking hold my breath as he tugs the door open.

Danny's face breaks into a grin when he sees me and his gaze slowly drifts down my body. I feel self-conscious under his stare but the flush that quickly grows on my face is  _nothing_ compared to the pink that stains his cheeks.

"H-Hi," he squeaks out, stepping back to let me inside.

I step inside and kick my shoes off, gently nudging them next to a pile of abandoned sneakers, and discreetly check Danny out.

His hair is just as wild as ever, looking like he just rolled out of bed, and he's thrown on an oversized sweatshirt with a pair of sweatpants. Something sharp and ugly twists in my gut when I realize where he got those sweatpants. And why I recognize them.

Danny glances down where my stare is and he lets out a breath. "Sorry… none of my pajamas were clean and wearing anything else is still uncomfortable," he mumbles, dropping his gaze from mine when I look back at him.

"Are you… okay?" I mumble, already knowing the answer to that. Of course he's not okay. He's still in a fuck ton of pain and the last thing he probably wants is someone asking him if he's okay. Because he's probably been lying his ass off ever since I drove him home on Monday.

He darts his gaze away, pink rising to his cheeks again as he talks. "I'm doing… okay," he whispers, glancing over his shoulder before he focuses on me, taking a step closer. Instinctively, I grab his elbow gently and he relaxes a little into the touch. "Jazz is getting kinda suspicious but if she knew how much this thing has escalated with phantom, she'd get so pissed and there's no telling what-"

"Dash, hello!" Mr. Fenton calls, suddenly behind Danny. I drag my gaze up to his father instead, reluctantly letting go of Danny when he takes a step back.

I paste a smile on my face, extending my hand out toward him. "It's good to see you again, sir. Th-Thank you for… having me in your home, Mr. Fenton." I spare a glance toward Danny, trying to see if I'm being too much, but he just sticks his tongue out in response.

"Please, call me Jack," he says, offering me up a grin before he turns to Danny. He wraps his arms around Danny's shoulders and tugs him close. My heart climbs into my chest at the pain only I can see pass over Danny's face with the movement.  _No, you're supposed to hold him gently. Please, hold him gently._

"I-Is there anything I can do to help?" I ask, nervously fidgeting with the cuffs of my jacket.

Jack hesitates for a second before he pulls away from Danny, giving me a wide smile. "Sure. Why don't you set the table with Danny?"

Danny gives me a tired smile when I look his way and I wonder how much this tears at his sanity. Pretending to be okay when he's really not. Hiding bruises and lying about pain and- shit, I guess we really do have this in common.

I follow Danny into the dining room and he hesitates by the table before he exhales out a breath. "Come on," he gestures toward the kitchen and makes a face when I look at him. "Better to get this over with."

He steps into the kitchen and starts for a cabinet. "Hey, mom. Dash is here," he says casually as he passes by his mom. She's standing in front of the stove, the same one I cooked stir-fry on fucking ages ago, and I watch her posture stiffen at the mention of me. She practically prickles as she lifts her gaze to stare at him and it only takes a second of the death stare between the two of them to kick my ass into action.

"Let me get those," I say, crossing over to Danny. I feel Mrs. Fenton's eyes on me from the moment I speak and with every step I take closer to her son. I try not to let it fuck with my nerves but holy shit, what the hell does she have against me?

Danny starts to argue when I reach for the plates in the cabinet but he shuts up when I give him a look. He'd have to stretch up to reach them and no way in hell am I letting him do anything that could hurt him worse.

Mrs. Fenton meets my gaze when I turn around and I slowly exhale out a breath. She keeps watching me even as I leave the room and I try to ignore. When I step into the dining room, Danny tries to take the plates and I won't let him.

"What?" he asks innocently, a slight flush on his cheeks.

I give him a look. "Seriously? You're still hurting, I'm not letting you do anything." I start setting the plates out, ignoring him when he starts to tell me that he's okay enough to help out with this and that his family will get suspicious. I don't care. It's just me in here right now. He doesn't have to pretend for this moment.

He finally exhales out with a sigh and gives up, just standing around while I set plates and forks out for six people. I wonder if there's a specific chair that Danny sits in and if I could somehow make sure that my spot is next to his...

A prickling sensation registers in my mind and I slowly glance back at the kitchen. His mom looks away as soon as my gaze is on hers and she returns back to cooking, pretending that she wasn't paying us any attention. "Hey… Danny?" I wait until he looks at me before I ask. "Why the hell does your mom hate me so much?"

Danny makes a soft noise in the back of his throat, shaking his head before he looks away. "Please don't… take it personally, I promise it's not you." His face flushes when I hold his stare and I guess he realizes that I need more than that. "It's just cause… since my ex-boyfriend I don't… really bring home any guys other than Tucker."

A breath passes between us and his entire face turns red. "N-Not that  _you're_ a guy I'm bringing home. I just mean… y-you know parents assume all kinds of stuff a-and… sorry. I-It's not you, that's… what I was trying to say," he mumbles, dropping his gaze from mine with his face still bright red.

Shit. In all of the craziness of this past week, I almost forgot about what he told me on the balcony that night. About his ex-boyfriend. God, that feels like forever ago that he brought me a blanket and sat beside me while we talked about life and love and fucking  _everything_ with my teammates.

I start to say something – finally broach the topic of his piece of shit ex – but my tongue is tied and his eyes are so fucking blue I lose the nerve and I can't talk. Nothing intelligible spills from my mouth no matter how I try and he  _kills_  me when he tilts his head to the side, silently encouraging me to keep going.  _I would Danny. If I wasn't choking on the lump in my throat just thinking about you, I'd say everything running circles in my mind._

He takes a step closer to me, taking my hand in his and I picture being the one to kiss his knuckles this time. If I was anywhere near as cool as he is about all this shit, I'd be daring enough to touch him carelessly and he'd fall for me the way I have for him but… I'm a dying star and Danny's the fucking galaxy.

"Lunch is almost ready, you two," Jack says, suddenly in the doorway. He gives us a puzzled look and Danny pulls his hand from mine, his face flushed again the second the awkward silence settles over the three of us.

Jack glances between the two of us before a smile quickly pulls at his expression. "Danny, why don't you go introduce Dash to Tucker and Jazz? And make sure the two of them find their way to the table. Your mother and I'll be finished in a few minutes."

"O-Okay," Danny mumbles in response, taking a step away from me when his dad disappears from the doorway. He pushes out a breath, glancing my way with that flush still tinged across his cheeks. "I mean… y-you never  _officially_ met Tucker before, I don't think… but you know Jazz s-so…" he trails off, nodding toward the exit.

After a few seconds of trying to remember how to fucking breathe right, I follow after Danny into the living room. Before we're even around the corner, I can hear Jazz's voice. She's laughing at something Tucker's explaining and I don't know why but I steel myself before the two of them come into view.

Jazz is sitting on the couch that Danny and I shared the night I made him dinner and we watched a movie together, her back against the armrest and legs stretched across the seats. She's looking down at Tucker, sprawled out on the floor with a mass of textbooks surrounding him. He's got his elbows propped up, chin resting in his palms as he explains something about whatever he's reading.

Danny gives me a final glance before he clears his throat, making the other two in the room aware of our presence.

Jazz looks up first, her face spreading into a grin when she sees me. "Hey, Dash!" she says, getting up from the couch and immediately crossing over to me. Tucker watches from the floor, his gaze flicking to Danny when Jazz pulls me into a hug.

"I heard you've been making good on your promise to me," Jazz says when she pulls away from me, a wicked grin on her face when she turns to give Danny a sly look. "I heard a little rumor that you got this one to spend the weekend with you at an away game?"

Danny's face flushes immediately and he scratches at the back of his head awkwardly. "Y-Yeah, you… should have heard mom afterwards…" he trails off, nervously flicking his gaze toward mine like he's waiting to see my reaction.

"She'll get over it," Jazz responds, easily becoming my favorite person right now. Cause she's right. I don't know why their mom is so protective of Danny and why she was so pissed that he took off for the game but it shouldn't matter that much. Cause Danny was happy and I wonder how often he gets to smile the way he did while we were away.

Tucker rises from his position on the floor and shoots a grin Danny's way. "She went off on you again?" he asks, jerking a thumb in my direction. "I thought she went off on you when you were out with him all day. You know, when you were completely  _ignoring_  a friend in need."

"H-Hey, I wasn't ignoring you… a-and besides, I can't help you with your homework, Tucker. You really suck at explaining what you have a problem with," Danny mumbles, his gaze straying toward me. I wonder if my face is as red as his is. Cause holy shit, it feels really fucking hot in here.

Danny draws in a breath, glancing toward Tucker. "A-Anyway, you two know each other by name but… Tucker, Dash. Dash, this is my friend Tucker," he gestures between the two of us and panic splits through me for a second as I try to figure out what the hell to do. I shook Jack's hand when I first met him, Jazz hugged me, and Mrs. Fenton just gave me the death stare. This is his  _friend_. What the fuck do I-

"Hey, man. Glad to finally know who's dragging my best friend out of the house more often than I managed to do," Tucker says, going in for a fist bump. He grins when I return the gesture and glances at Danny, his expression falling a little. "She really lectured you, huh?"

Danny glances over his shoulder toward the dining room before he looks back at Tucker with a shrug. "Yeah… she went on forever, too. You know how she is."

I wish I knew what they were talking about. I do on some level but whatever pushed Danny away from his mom happened before I knew him and I don't have the balls to ask him. Cause I figure that's something he'll bring up when he's ready. I think I've pushed him enough to last a lifetime.

"Kids, come on!" Jack calls out and Tucker practically tramples Jazz to leave the room.

Jazz laughs when I glance at her. "He's in love with our mom's bread rolls, you'll have to forgive him. Tucker loses all semblance of manners when it's time to eat."

"Hey, I heard that!" Tucker yells over his shoulder.

Danny nudges my hand with his own, jerking his head toward the dining room. It only takes a small smile from him to remind the butterflies in my gut to fly around again, settling comfortably around my heart and throat. Cause I'm following after Danny into the dining room where we're gonna eat with his family. And despite the butterflies and the knowledge that neither of my parents wanted to spend the day with me, I'm not gonna let anything fuck with me. I'm spending the day with the boy I love. That should really be enough.

* * *

Lunch with the Fenton's and Tucker isn't anything like what I imagined. I guess I expected there to be some kind of awkward silence, considering the way Mrs. Fenton was staring me down earlier, but the conversation isn't stilted at all.

Tucker and Jazz keep up a steady pace, talking about school and upcoming finals and all the joys of being a college student. Danny occasionally adds his thoughts into the conversation and Jack teases his daughter a few times. Mrs. Fenton is mostly quiet but I catch her smiling at something one of her kids says every now and then.

Like Kwan said, my letterman jacket is pointed out and Jack asks how the season went. There's a round of congratulations when I start talking about the championship game and even Mrs. Fenton gives me a smile. I'm exhilarated from the praise and I can't stop from grinning as I tell them about the season and how long it's been since Amity Park won.

Somehow during the conversation, the topic of Danny's birthday comes up and I didn't realize it hadn't passed earlier in the year. Two weeks seems so close and I'm incredibly aware of how little time I have to plan something for him that's as good as what he did for me.

Jazz and Tucker bully me into putting their numbers into my phone, insisting that they'll text me with birthday gift suggestions for Danny. Even though I pretend like I don't need their help, I'm really fucking grateful that they're offering cause I have no clue where to start with Danny. How do I do enough for him so he knows he means the world to me without basically asking him on a date? Even if that  _is_  what my stupid, pathetic heart wants to do.

Once lunch is over with, Mrs. Fenton bans the four of us from the kitchen while she bakes pie but she makes her husband stick around for cleanup duty. Danny makes some joke about how his dad's just sticking around to get the first slice of pie and Jack kicks us all outside.

Tucker insists on the stereotypical Thanksgiving activity – a short game of tackle football. I'm all for it, intent on kicking their asses, until I remember Danny. Who's still hurting from the injury my mom stitched closed three days ago. There's no way in hell I'm letting him play.

I suggest something about making it touch or flag instead since there's just four of us but Tucker insists that it's not football unless it's tackle. I start to argue, insist that we change it, but Danny cuts me off before I really get going.

"Nah, Tucker's right. It's not football unless it's tackle," Danny says with a smile, turning just slightly so only I can see his face. He raises his eyebrows and mouths, "chill out" at me but I don't know if I can. Cause I'm picturing how badly I ached after I played with my cracked rib during the championship game. I can't stand the thought of him feeling even a fraction of what I did.

Jazz wants to be pitted against her brother and I want to  _protect_  her brother so I make some crack at being able to take her down easily and that instantly puts me on Danny's team. He gives me a look like he knows what I'm trying to do and I only respond with a shrug. If he won't let this game go, I'm gonna protect him.

The game gets off to a good start and I manage to catch every ball that Tucker or Jazz tries to throw past us, immediately putting Danny and I ahead by a fuckton of points. Even with as careful as I'm being around him, Danny still takes a pretty hard dive to catch a ball that I miss and it makes me wince when he doesn't immediately get up.

Danny bounds over to me, a grin plastered on his face and I  _know_  that must have hurt him. But he keeps a smile up and even manages to throw a few teasing jibes toward his sister. She responds by sticking her tongue out and then the game is back on again.

We're almost halfway to the score we settled on and Jazz and Tucker are losing horribly. Tucker keeps insisting that it's unfair to have me on Danny's team since I actually play ball but Jazz responds that only losers whine about unfairness and the game continues regardless.

I've just blocked a ball from getting past our goal and I'm currently chasing it down when I see Jazz heading straight for her brother. I don't have time to find my voice before she's tackling him, rolling across the grass with him, her laugh floating into the air. I wonder if I'm the only one that can see the rigidness in his body and the slight pain hidden behind his smile.

He jokes it off with his sister but I can tell how careful he is when he gets up. How every step he takes is done gingerly and how hard he's trying to pretend that he isn't hurting.  _God, Danny, why couldn't you just sit on the sidelines instead of playing?_

I slowly cross over to the two of them, purposefully dragging my feet to give Danny a longer time to recover from it. I guess it's just a sibling thing cause they make it seem like it's normal to casually tackle each other.

Danny's expression is pinched and his lip fucking  _trembles_ when Jazz has her back turned and I can't let him play. I can't watch him grit his teeth and white-knuckle his way through this game like I've done in the past. It's not that Danny's not as strong as I am, that he can't handle it like I can… it's the opposite. I'm not strong enough to watch him hurting.

"H-Hey, I'm gonna go see if mom needs any help inside… try to mend fences," Danny says before I can call this game off. He talks with a joke in his tone and Jazz waves him off with a quiet 'good luck' before he's heading toward the house.

As soon as he's gone, Tucker mentions calling his own mom and wanders away from me and Jazz. She abandons the game entirely and we settle for tossing the ball back and forth between us.

"So," Jazz starts with a grin, easily catching the ball again. She tosses it between her hands for a second before she hurls it my way. "What are you planning on getting Danny for his birthday?"

I fumble on the catch but I still manage to grab it. I know my face is flushed when I straighten back up and Jazz's fucking  _grin_  doesn't help me. I try to push the butterflies down, convince them that now is not the time, but they explode within my gut and it's a losing battle.

"I'm… still thinking over a couple of possibilities," I say, exhaling out as I pass the ball between my hands. If I had known how close his birthday is before today, I would have the proper amount of time to freak the fuck out over what to do for him. Considering I had to call Kwan over a fucking outfit choice, deciding what to do for Danny's birthday is gonna be torture.

Jazz crosses over to me and I realize I still haven't thrown the ball. "Well… there's a planetarium not too far from here. You could take him there," she suggests, chewing on her lip.

"He took me there a while ago… a-actually, the day I met you we were there," I mumble.

She grins. "Good. At least you know how important space is to him." She glances at her house, concentration on her face. She makes various 'hmm' and 'huh' noises as she tries to make another suggestion and I start to rapidly lose hope in this situation. If I can't measure up to what he did for my birthday… he's gonna think I don't care about him. And god, it's just the opposite.

"I'll just… give it some thought and come up with something." I shrug when Jazz looks my way and she gives me a sly look like she knows something I don't know.

She folds her arms over her chest and apparently can't hold back a grin any longer. "So, Dash… when did you realize you were falling for my brother?"

Holy fucking shit. I think the ground drops out from under me or at least sways cause for a second, I can't breathe. I thought I was being subtle. I thought no one could tell that I like him. I lied to Alex for a while. I even managed to fool Kwan… fuck, how is-

"I'm majoring in psychology and you're like  _textbook_  infatuated with him. Don't take it personally," Jazz says, laughing at whatever expression is on my face. "Seriously though, how long have you been interested in him?"

_Hey ground, it's me, Dash. Mind opening up and swallowing me for a while?_

I push out a breath, dropping the football on the ground to rub my eyes with my fists. I don't know how the fuck to tell Danny's sister that I love him. It's blown well past being interested by now. She was right the first time. I am falling for him.  _Have_ fallen for him. And it's not just the thing he does, it's who he is. His kind nature, his passion and love for all things space, his willingness to miss sleep to sit with me on the hood of my car while I endlessly bitch about life. Danny is a taste of stardust to my endless black skies.

"God… I don't… a long time," I mumble, running a hand down my face. I look away from Jazz when she grins again but I get the sense that she's not trying to tease me. It still doesn't stop me from fucking blushing but whatever. It's the thought that counts and all that bullshit.

Jazz makes a few more birthday suggestions before Tucker's jogging over to us again. I barely know him and I guess it's the nerves eating away at me from the conversation with Jazz that make me ask him how his mom is.

Tucker pulls a face. "She's upset cause I didn't want to come see her and my step-dad this weekend. But they're in Egypt… like hell am I spending my Thanksgiving in a sweltering heat. Besides, I've missed hanging out with Danny these past few months." He glances up toward the house with a smile. "He's way better company anyway."

I want to ask about Tucker's family but it's none of my business. If he asked me why I'm with the Fenton's today instead of my own family, I'd probably shut it the fuck down. Thankfully, Jazz doesn't keep us in silence for long, her exhale quickly disturbing the quiet.

"They still bitching at you about your major?" she asks, her eyebrows drawing down when he nods. "Well… screw them, they'll get over it."

Tucker exhales out a breath, his eyes falling closed as a muscle in his jaw works. I wonder if shit's bad for him. I wonder if he calls Danny late into the night, asking for advice. I wonder if Danny does the same to Tucker.

Jazz toes the ground with her shoe, nudging her elbow into his side. "Come on, don't think about them. Let's play some ball and forget about shit for a while." She bends down to scoop up the ball and the two of them start tossing it back and forth for a couple of turns.

Occasionally they toss it to me and we start a brief game of monkey in the middle before I notice that the front door has opened. Danny steps out onto the porch and uneasily sinks himself down onto the steps, looking like every movement is causing him more pain than the last one.

I immediately abandon Tucker and Jazz, and they don't seem to notice. It only takes me a couple of seconds to get to Danny and his face flushes when I get close to him. I collapse onto the porch step beside him, letting out a breath.

Jazz and Tucker keep up their tossing, making fun of each other when they miss, and it quickly turns into a competition of who can throw the ball furthest. I watch the two of them for a few seconds, giving myself the time to even my breathing out before I speak.

"You okay?" I ask, keeping my gaze away from Danny for as long as I can stand it before I have to look at him. Just to make sure that he's still sitting next to me and to attempt to convince myself that the pain I can hear in his inhale is just my imagination.

Danny's teeth are gritted and he slowly pushes out a breath. "I'm managing." A groan slips from him and he hesitates a few seconds before he turns to look at me, agony written across his face. "I… ripped one of my stitches out just now."

_Fuck._

I swallow hard, mentally running through how to sew wounds closed again, and wondering if he even has the supplies I'll need, before I decide to ask if he even wants my help. "Do you want me to take a look at it?"

"No." He shakes his head, his gaze flitting toward Jazz for only a second before he's looking at me again. "I think I fixed it but… it still hurts a lot. I've been so careful lately but that was… too much, I guess." He unconsciously puts a hand over where the injury is and I glance down at the movement.

Danny looks up at me again, his teeth sunk into his bottom lip and for  _once_ , it doesn't attract my attention. Probably cause I can see the pain in his expression. "I-I'm okay… I promise."

"You're a shit liar," I mumble.

He softly groans, dropping his head into his hands. He jerks his fingers through his hair, letting out a quiet breath. "Believe it or not… I've been worse before. This, I can handle. It's just… really painful right now. The worst of it will be over in the next couple of days."

I hate the thought of him handling any kind of pain. It's not right. Pain isn't a word I want to hear associated with Danny for the rest of my life. Cause he's so fucking important to me, I can't let anything happen to him. Not anymore.

"Hey, you guys playing or what?" Jazz calls from the yard, her hands cupped around her mouth like a make-shift megaphone. Danny exhales out softly and looks like he's about to force himself to get up and rejoin the game. I grab his elbow before he can move.

"Nah," I call back, giving her my best grin. "I'm bored of winning."

Jazz flips me her middle finger before she's focused on Tucker again. They discuss some kind of rule before they're back to tossing the ball further and further away, constantly chasing after it. I watch them for a few seconds, forcing myself to find the strength to say what I know I need to.

"I… want you to give up the phantom thing," I say, surprised my voice doesn't shake. I glance toward him after a few seconds of silence. He's looking away from me but something tells me that the pinched expression on his face isn't just from the pain radiating through him.

After a few seconds with no response, I draw in a breath and force myself to keep talking. Cause I need to say this shit as much as he needs to hear it.

"D-Danny… seeing all that blood on you… i-it scared the shit out of me," I mumble, turning toward him more. He slowly draws in a breath and flicks his gaze up to meet mine. I draw on some unknown source of bravery and cup his cheek with my hand. "I can't… watch anything like this happen to you again. Please… j-just let all this phantom stuff go."

He gives me a wry smile and I can see the exhaustion in his expression as I drop my hand from his cheek. "And here I was, thinking over your offer to help me practice this shit," he says, the grin losing strength when I don't return it.

Danny sighs, readjusting himself until he can drop his head against my shoulder. He's quiet for a few minutes, the two of us just staring out at Tucker and Jazz in the silence that's settled between us. When he finally speaks, his voice trembles and the sound tears at my heart.

"I k-kind of lied to you before, Dash… I-I said that I started this phantom thing by accident but… th-that was a lie," he mumbles, pulling away from me. He rubs at one eye with his fist and I feel like I've been punched in the gut when he sniffles.  _Why didn't I notice when he started crying?_

He lets out a soft breath that hangs in the air between us. He's so cold, he's starting to shiver and even though he has a hoodie on, I shed my letterman jacket and tuck it around him.

Danny gives me a look like I'm being excessive but I won't let him give the jacket back to me. Even though he argues at first, he snuggles down into the warmth of my jacket and lets out a quiet breath. He draws his knees up to his chest with a small wince and loops his arms around his shins, dropping his chin onto his knees.

"I started this thing cause… the accident that gave me these abilities… i-it was my parents fault. And I just… I wonder sometimes how much they think about that. How often they wonder if I've been changed since then," he says, picking at a loose thread on the sleeve of his hoodie. "I started doing this shit cause they study things like me. Ghosts and spirits and… whatever you want to call them. And because of their machine… I'm  _part_ ghost… and I wanted to make them see me. Notice this change in me. Cause since the day I came home from the hospital, they've barely mentioned it. S-Sometimes… I wonder if they even care that much about me."

He sniffles again, wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. He hesitates a second before glancing my way. "I don't… want anything like that to happen again either. And trying to get my parents to notice me this way wasn't the best idea, I guess." Danny drops his stare from mine, letting out a breath. "The government's noticed me by now and they'll probably still be looking for me. S-So… you might still hear things about the phantom for a while. But… I-I'm gonna quit this."

I lean closer to him, immediately gaining his attention. I brush my thumb along his cheek and he shivers under my touch, his eyes practically sparkling as he stares back at me. I want to ask him to stop thinking about his parents. To stop thinking about every fucked-up thing about his life. I want to be selfish and ask him to just be in this moment with me. But he needs someone right now and my words will be more sincere if I don't punctuate them with a kiss.

"Don't let your parents control your life, okay? I know you want their attention but you're right. This isn't the way to get it." I gently run the pad of my thumb across his cheek, watching his every twitch with the movement, and his response makes me feel brave. "I… r-really like you… wh-when you're not covered in blood, Danny."

He exhales out a broken laugh, his face bright red under my touch. I can't help but picture his face the color it is now but we're not sitting on his front porch in my imagination. We're somewhere far more comfortable, with our skin touching and his fingernails scraping down my back and our warm hands clasped in each other's and -

The front door bangs open behind us and I jump at the sound, scrambling to put distance between the two of us. My heart's hammering in my chest as Jack steps out onto the front porch, brandishing a tray of four mugs.

"Kids, I have hot chocolate!" Jack calls out to Tucker and Jazz. They immediately abandon their game and jog toward the porch.

Danny and I barely have time to scoot out of their way before they're thundering up the stairs to get to Jack. I manage to duck around them and I sit next to Danny again. His dad hands a mug of hot chocolate to both of us and I watch the delicate way Danny licks the foam until he catches me staring. Then I have to pretend to be interested in my own drink and act like the flush I can feel creeping up further on my face isn't there when there's no doubt it definitely is. How am I supposed to keep my face from coloring when Danny's sitting so close to me, that our knees are touching?

* * *

After the hot chocolate has been completely demolished, the four of us relocate inside and end up in the living room. Tucker bemoans his fate of college subjects again and Danny rolls his eyes before he moves to the floor next to him, easily explaining what Tucker doesn't understand.

Jazz and I are on the couch, her legs stretched across the seat Danny just vacated, and she keeps grinning every time I look Danny's way. Which really doesn't help the butterflies going nuts in my stomach. Or the pounding of my heart every time he just fucking smiles.

Tucker abandons his textbooks after a while and the four of us start swapping stories from when we were kids or even shit that happened this past week. I hear a ton of stories about people in Tucker's classes and Danny interrupts him multiple times to correct a few details he's overexaggerating.

"So,  _anyway_ ," Tucker continues, flipping Danny off for the hundredth time. "That's why my English teacher was forced to give me an A even though I probably averaged like a C minus in her class."

Jazz scoots down further on the couch, her toes digging into my thigh with the movement. She lets out a breath, lolling her head back on the armrest. "Sounds like you need more tutoring sessions with Danny," she teases, glancing at Tucker, who rolls his eyes.

She smirks before looking back to me with a nod. "Did Danny tell you about the trip he and I took a couple summers back?"

Danny bristles, looking up from Tucker's textbook to glance between us. Apparently, he deems whatever she's about to say as unimportant cause he returns his gaze to the textbook, his eyes scanning the page he's on.

I'm busy watching him from the corner of my eye but I manage to glance toward Jazz with a shake of my head. She slouches down further on the sofa, her eyes falling closed as a smile passes over her face. "We went to Florida, originally destined for Disney World but we stayed a lot longer than that. We were away from our parents for the whole summer and I swear, half of our time there, we spent on the beach. Danny even got a tan for once," she teases, blinking an eye open to look his way.

His face is tinged red but he ignores her, slowly licking his index finger to turn the page. He keeps his gaze on the textbook but something tells me he's not reading. "Yeah, well…" he mumbles, running a finger down the page. "Tans are overrated." He glances up with a roll of his eyes. "Besides, that was right before everything went to shit and my body lost all hope of ever tanning again. My pale skin is never getting any darker thanks to my fucked up genetics."

Jazz's eyes widen and she sits up a little, her gaze darting toward me. "Danny… you're still perfectly normal. Some people just don't tan." She fidgets nervously and I think I might have missed something.

Tucker chews his bottom lip before he quickly nods, glancing my way before he's focused on Danny. "Yeah, Jazz is right. Plus, we'll all still like you even if you are paler than a sheet," he says with a joke to his tone but he's not given a grin in return.

Danny shoves the textbook off his lap with a rough sigh, almost glaring as he looks between the two of them. "Relax, okay? Dash knows about the accident."

All eyes are suddenly on me and Jazz repeatedly opens and closes her mouth as she tries to make sense of what her brother just said. That's right. I _do_  know about the accident. And there's no way I'm gonna let either of these two think that he made a mistake by opening up to me.

"Yeah, he told me a little while ago," I say, sliding off the couch and onto the floor, my back against the front of the couch. I let out a sigh and lean my head back against the cushion, staring up at the ceiling.

Jazz lets out a soft breath and glances between me and her brother. Tucker doesn't take nearly as long to recover as Jazz does and I wince when he leans over to punch Danny on the arm.

"You told someone else the secret and didn't bother telling me?" he demands, placing a hand over his heart and giving Danny a look. "Tsk, tsk. Next thing we know, you're lying to us about who you've been hanging out with and making up excuses for why you suddenly have new interests."

Danny's face turns red and he shoves Tucker, nervous laughter sputtering from him. "Shut up."

Tucker grins and continues teasing Danny. He shoves Danny back and Jazz cocks her head at Danny's pained 'oof' when his friend climbs on top of him, attempting to wrestle with him. I sit up straighter, my hands balling into fists in my lap. I count the seconds in my head, hoping that Tucker cuts it out before I reach ten.

Danny lets out a pained groan. "S-Stop… Tuck…"

He's so quiet, I'm not surprised that Tucker didn't hear him. But since that phone call on Monday, I hear every sound Danny makes, no matter how quiet. And I'm moving from in front of the sofa before Jazz even opens her mouth and her quiet 'hey' is lost in my actions.

I give Tucker's shoulder a shove, trying to stop this before it gets any worse. "Hey man, come on. Get off of him."

Tucker flips me off with a laugh. "Getting Dash to defend you now, huh? Can't beat the wrestling champ anymore?" he asks, before he pulls away from me, trying to pounce on Danny again. He only gets a split second before I grit my teeth and push him away again, more forcefully this time.

"Dude, what the fuck?" Tucker demands, stumbling back a few paces before he gives me a look.

Danny's teeth are gritted and he breathes out quietly before he attempts to sit up. I kneel beside him and his face flushes. He looks at me like he doesn't want my help but I take his hand and help him sit up anyway.

The quiet has fallen over the living room and I don't know which one of us should break it. It's Danny's shit, he should be the one to talk about it. He probably doesn't want them to know about this but… they know about the phantom stuff. So maybe it's a good thing if they know about this. There'll be someone else to look after him over the next couple of days when I'm not here.

Jazz looks between us, her eyebrows drawn down in concern. Tucker keeps shooting me 'what the hell' looks that I choose to ignore.  _I'm not usually an asshole like this. I don't know you but I will hurt you if you hurt him._

"What the fuck was that about?" Tucker asks, finally breaking the silence that settled over us.

Danny pushes out a breath, looking up at me. There's a pleading look in his eyes and I don't know what he's trying to tell me. Is he asking me to stay quiet? Tell the truth so he doesn't have to? These two know the truth. They should know about this too.

I draw in a breath, holding Danny's gaze despite the nervous feeling building in my gut. "Danny's… hurt."

" _Dash_ ," he mumbles softly, his stare dropping from my own. I follow his gaze down and realize that I'm still holding his hand and somehow, I've curled my other arm around his back. I didn't mean to look so protective over him but… I am. I always will be from now on.

Jazz moves from the couch, crawling on the floor over to us. "Hurt?" she questions, her eyebrows drawn down and her expression pinched. "Hurt… how?"

Danny flicks his gaze up to meet hers and lets out a heavy breath. "I'm fine, Jazz, really."

"He had to have stitches," I add, giving him an apologetic look when he glances at me with a glare. "Come on, isn't it better that someone else knows?"

He sighs, shaking his head before he pulls away from me. He glances up at Tucker and after a second of hesitation, the latter sinks down on the floor next to Danny. They share a look before Danny flicks his gaze toward Jazz again. "It's not that big of a deal, honestly. I'm okay."

I want to interrupt him, tell these two about how he was bleeding out in my car and I had to get my mom to stitch him up but… I don't want to relive that day. I've seen a lot of shit with my dad and what he's done to my mom but… I don't think I ever knew real terror until I was standing in mom's office, watching her stitch up the boy sitting in front of me.

"Can… we see?" Tucker asks.

Danny sighs but he leans back, tugging the hem of his shirt up high enough to show off the line of stitches. A few bruises have formed alongside it and I can tell where his stitches were ripped in the middle, the skin a little pinker there. He didn't really do a terrible job of fixing it but I still hate the thought of him fixing his own wounds. I wish he'd asked me to help him.

He meets my gaze, chewing on his bottom lip, and he starts when Jazz puts her hand on his stomach. His stare quickly shifts over to his sister and he pushes out a breath. "It… barely hurts now."

"Stop bullshitting," I grumble, scooting closer to him. He tosses me a glare in response and I choose to ignore it. I look up at Tucker and Jazz, risking another glare from Danny. "He almost bled out in the backseat of my car."

Jazz's eyes widen and Danny elbows me in the side. He scoffs when I look his way, his eyebrows drawing downward. He flicks his gaze back to his sister, shaking his head with a groan. "I'm fine, Jazz, seriously. Don't… don't listen to Dash."

She hesitates a second before she looks at me. "Dash, was it… really that bad?" she asks, her voice wavering in the middle. I want to be able to tell her no. That her brother didn't really get that close to bleeding out in the back of my Mitsubishi. That I didn't have to fly through every red light on my way to Dryden and that my mom didn't have to stitch him closed. But it's the truth and I'm a shit liar.

"Yeah," I respond looking at Danny when he elbows me again. "What? You want to me lie?"

Danny grumbles, mumbling something about how he'd prefer it if I lied but Jazz interrupts him. She keeps her stare on her brother as she talks, but it's clear the question is meant for me. "What happened?"

I drag in a breath that shakes and it causes her gaze to shift to me. I consider how much to tell her, how much should just stay between me and Danny. I don't want to lie to her but I don't think telling the whole truth is gonna help either.

"He… told me he'd been shot. That's the only explanation I got," I mumble, glancing toward Danny. He responds with a glare that softens after a few seconds.

Danny exhales out, moving his hand to place over top of mine. "I'm fine," he says, flicking his stare to Jazz. He shrugs, his hand tightening on mine. "It's just… I ran into some trouble while I was practicing…"

Jazz gives him a look and he ducks his head. I only hesitate a second longer before I flip my hand over and thread my fingers between his. He responds by squeezing my hand tighter, barely glancing my way before he's addressing his sister again.

"Everything's fine now, okay?" he mumbles.

There's a split second of tension in the air, where he draws in a breath like he wants to say more but something is stopping him. He lets out the breath, chewing on the inside of his cheek and he won't look at any of us.

I let him have a few seconds before I tug gently on his hand. "What is it?"

Danny meets my gaze and I'm surprised by the fear I can see in his expression. He captures his bottom lip between his teeth and once again, it doesn't distract me the way it usually does. Cause he's fucking terrified and I can't tell what he's thinking.

"There's… something else," he mumbles, glancing between Tucker and Jazz. They're both wearing similar expressions of concern but he doesn't let it stop him, drawing in a deep breath before he continues. "Whatever I was shot with wasn't… exactly a bullet."

He nervously chews on his bottom lip, tugging his hand from mine to run it through his hair. "I don't know what it was really but… th-there was something else left in the wound. Dash's m- uhh…" he shoots an apologetic look toward me. "I-I dug it out and it's kind of got me worried…"

"What was it?" Tucker asks, crowded around him the same way Jazz and I are. His eyebrows are drawn down in concern and I wonder how much he knows about this phantom stuff. Do I know more than his friends cause I'm around him more often now? Or do I only know part of all this shit while they know everything?

He expels out a breath. "I have it in my room." He leans forward like he's gonna stand and I grab his wrist before he can.

"Let me," I tell him and the blush that spreads across his face is so pretty, I'm almost able to forget how fucked up this situation is.  _And I called Kwan a thirsty fucker…_

Danny drops his gaze from mine but he quietly mumbles that he put it in the top drawer of his dresser, under a few shirts. As soon as I'm given the directions, I tell him I'll be back with it and I quickly leave the room.

I hope to whatever god is listening that I don't run across either of the Fenton parents on my way up the stairs. For once, someone's listening to me and I don't bump into anyone. I make it into Danny's room easily and I push the door almost closed behind me before I cross over to his dresser.

He was probably trying to make sure his parents wouldn't see it but it takes me twice as long as it should to find it. My hand finally closes around the tube mom gave me and I study the tiny square through the plastic of the bottle for a few seconds, exhaling out quietly before I leave his room and start down the stairs again. I stop just outside the entryway to the living room when I catch my name quietly mumbled under Danny's breath.

"Yeah, his… mom helped. She sewed my wounds closed and got a hotel room for us so I could sleep for a couple hours afterward," Danny mumbles. "She had to give me some morphine though so I've been exhausted these past few days."

" _Days_?" Tucker's voice has a tone of anger to it and I can't say that I blame him. If Danny was secretly dealing with shit, I'd probably get pissed off too. Not that he  _has_ to tell me everything but after all the shit we've been through together… I think I'd care if he didn't tell me. "What do you mean  _days_ , Danny? Tell me this shit didn't just happen."

I strain to catch Danny's response and a few long seconds of silence pass before he sighs.

"Look, I was gonna tell you later, once Dash leaves but… he beat me to it," he says, groaning loudly. "Alright, I get it. But what was I supposed to do? Send you a casual text 'hey by the way the government agents my parents work for just shot at me'?"

_Government agents… his parents work for?_

"There's… something else too," Danny mumbles, a breath tumbling from him. "When she was stitching me up, sh-she tugged this thing from me and I… i-it made me scream and it was like I couldn't _stop_  screaming. Dash was holding me, t-trying to get me to calm down but god, I was starting to panic. And… guys… my screams have gotten worse… I-I made his ears bleed."

Silence crashes across the three of them and I lean closer to the entryway, straining to hear anything anyone responds with. Other than Tucker's quietly mumbled, 'fuck', neither of the other two know what to say.

I almost give up and come into the living room but Jazz clears her throat before I get the nerve. "Danny… are you sure telling Dash was a good idea?"

My heart stops at the silence that follows and I hope that Danny doesn't regret letting me in on this. I'm gonna help him from here on out and do  _everything_  I can to make sure he's never hurt by anyone again.

"He just saved my life, Jazz. If I hadn't trusted him with this shit, we wouldn't be having this conversation," Danny responds, some level of annoyance in his words. Relief floods through me when I realize that he doesn't regret telling me.

Tucker exhales quietly. "Yeah but… you said he talked to his mom and you have no idea what he told her. You sure that he like… didn't tell her everything?"

"It doesn't matter if he did," Danny responds almost instantly. "Besides… I trust him, Tuck."

My heart soars for about three seconds before Tucker interrupts with a scoff. I hate how easily he dismisses Danny's faith in me while I'm still fucking  _elated_  over it.

"Yeah, well. He gets a point for saving your life but if he can tell his mom this shit so easily, who else is he gonna spill this to?" Tucker asks, talking over Danny when he starts to argue. "I'm just saying. It's not that I don't want to trust the guy but you gotta agree that he's-"

I don't want to hear what else he has to say. Danny's friends can think whatever the fuck they want about me but they weren't there when he was bleeding out in my backseat and I didn't know how to save him. I did what I could to keep him alive and if that's not enough… I don't know what else I have to do to earn their fucking trust.

Danny looks up when I step inside and I wordlessly hold the tube out toward him, hoping my thoughts aren't written across my face. He takes it and mumbles a soft, 'thank you' in response. His voice probably shouldn't dislodge the anger settled around my chest as easily as it does.

"I don't know what it is," he mutters, turning the tube over and over in his hands as he studies what's inside. "I'm hoping you'll know cause I looked up some stuff online but… I don't want to jump to a conclusion," Danny says, passing the tube over to Tucker.

Tucker glances at it for a second before he uncaps the tube and shakes the square into his palm. He squints at the object a couple of times, gently poking it a few times before he exhales out heavily, glancing up at Danny.

"When did all this happen again?" he asks, his voice laced with brewing anger.

Danny lets out a low breath, dropping his stare. He shakes his head, darting his gaze away from all of us. "Monday," he mutters, running a hand through his hair.

Tucker scoffs, shaking his head when Danny finally looks at him again. "Monday. You've had this in your room since  _Monday_  and didn't tell me until now?"

Danny drags in a careful breath. "Yeah, so?"

"You're so fucking careless," Tucker mutters under his breath, sliding the square back into the tube and replacing the cap again. He swaps it from hand to hand for a second before he looks up to meet Danny's gaze. "I'm pretty sure this is some kind of tracking chip. Possibly with recording capabilities, I don't know."

It takes the three of us a few seconds of silence before Tucker's words really sink in.  _Tracking… chip?_  Someone wants to track Danny? Those… government agents want to… track him?  _Why_?

"Fuck," Danny exhales out, jerking his fingers through his hair. His hands are shaky with the movement and I ache to reach for him. I want to take his hand in my own and place gentle kisses against his skin until he's not shaking anymore. But I don't think my touch is gonna fix it this time.

Tucker exhales out an irritated sigh. "There's no telling how much information they've already gotten from you just cause of this." He glances toward me for a second or two, his eyebrows drawing down before he looks at Danny again. I try not to let his look fuck with me but I don't understand it. What did I do to him that was apparently so fucking horrible?

"I can look over this a little while I'm here but I'll probably be able to tell you more once I'm back at school and I have my monster computer," Tucker says, jerking his thumb behind him. "I'll go upstairs and start scanning this thing as best I can." His gaze drifts toward me for a second and I try not to read too much into it, before he looks back at Danny. "You want to come up with me?"

Danny chews on his bottom lip before he slowly nods. I want to help him to his feet but I don't. Partly cause I don't want to embarrass him but also cause I know Tucker's watching us. I can only imagine what he'd say about me if I insist on helping Danny up.

Tucker jumps to his feet and extends a hand down to his friend, poking at the jealous creature resting on my heart-strings, playing me like a fucking violin as I watch them leave the room together. I keep my stare trained on where they disappeared, trying to stop myself from going after them. Cause I don't want Tucker trying to convince Danny not to tell me this shit anymore.

I'm so focused on staring at the exit that I don't see the pillow Jazz chucks at me until it collides with my shoulder. I shift my gaze to her and she offers up a grin.

"Relax, would you?" she asks. After a second of hesitation, she gets up from in front of the sofa and crosses over to a bookshelf against one wall. She hums softly to herself before she slides a couple of books from a stack.

Jazz moves back to the couch and collapses into the cushion with a sigh. She props the books on her lap and pats the seat next to her. "Come here." I must hesitate too long cause she squints her eyes and grabs another pillow. "Don't make me hurl this one at your face."

That gets a begrudging laugh from me and I get to my feet, crossing over to her and sinking down on the sofa. She waits until I'm sitting before she puts the rest of the books in the floor and opens the first one, propping it on our laps.

After a split second, I realize they're not actually books, they're photo-albums. And they're completely  _filled_ with one picture after another of fucking  _adorable_ baby and toddler Danny.

Jazz grins at the noise that unfortunately escapes me and she nudges my shoulder with hers. "He was so cute as a kid. All bright eyes and wild hair… though that last part hasn't really changed," she says with a laugh, pointing to a photo of little Danny outside, clutching a plastic baseball bat in his chubby hands, a look of determination on his face. God, he's so fucking adorable. Why is she torturing me like this?

We flip through the albums filled with younger Danny relatively quickly and then she brings out the ones from his freshman year of high school until now. There are a lot of photos of Jazz and Danny but there's a ton with Tucker and that girl they hung around, Sam.

Something about the earlier photos bugs me the further we go in and I end up flipping back a few pages once we've reached his sophomore year. After a few seconds of glancing between two similar photos, it hits me how skinny he is. He's even smaller now but even just looking at the difference between his freshman and sophomore year is weird as fuck.

"Danny… lost a lot of weight after the accident," Jazz says softly. She's quiet as she runs a finger down one of the photos and I wonder how different he was before. How much has really changed with him? What else is different other than the new abilities and the dramatic weight loss?

Jazz sighs as she turns the page and we're faced with a lot of blank spots where photos were removed. The cheesy captions that usually go along with every photo have been completely scratched through and Jazz doesn't offer an explanation before she flips the page.

The next two are similar but they have a couple of photos dotting the page. One of the first ones I see is Danny with his arms slung around his friends, a wide grin stretched across his face and… a black eye.

I glance at Jazz for a second and she exhales out, shaking her head. Danny's bruised here… almost like he was at the beach. He told me that during his sophomore year, he was dating that abusive ex-boyfriend… and the sight of it fucks with me more than it should.

Jazz is nervously chewing on her lip when I slowly turn the page and immediately zero in on the next photo where he's bruised, a few dotted along his jawline. He said his family didn't know what was going on at first but… I don't understand how. The evidence is clearly here on his face.

"T-Tucker's in a lot of these photos," Jazz comments softly when I flip the page. "They've been inseparable since they were kids."

I nod, my gaze not lingering on Tucker. I'm focused on Danny again, several dark bruises on his upper arms. It's hard to tell from the tiny photo that's stuck into the album but one of them looks almost like it's in the shape of a handprint. It makes my heart ache looking at it cause I can picture Danny terrified. I can hear the panic in his voice as he tries to talk his way out of another stupid argument and I want to fucking  _kill_ whoever made him that afraid.

"Jazz," Danny calls out and I glance toward the sound. He's lingering in the doorway, staring at the two of us with an unreadable expression on his face. His eyebrows are drawn down when I look up at him and I can almost feel the anger radiating from him with every step he takes toward the sofa.

He glances from his sister down to the album spread open on my lap. He yanks it away from me and snaps it closed with one hand, giving his sister a look. She almost shrinks under his gaze and he tosses the album across the living room where it clatters to the floor with loud noise.

Danny tugs a different album from the stack and drops it onto Jazz's lap. "Here. Look at this one," he says, plopping down on the cushion next to me. He slouches down further, sinking back into the sofa, as he crams the remainder of a cookie into his mouth, barely glancing his sister's way as he mumbles. "Mom and dad made cookies, by the way."

Jazz silently opens the album and I glance down at it even though I've already seen all the photos in that one. It's filled with his baby photos, only going up to when he was about three or four. Even though he's fucking adorable, I was more interested in the ones when he was older.

"Y-Y'know… most people would rather show photos when they're a little older instead of baby photos…" I mumble, trailing off in the hopes that he brings up the bruises so I don't have to.

Danny won't even look at me as he shrugs, delicately licking a few crumbs from his fingertips. I guess he's not gonna bring up that shit right now. I can't really blame him but… god, I want to help him. Cause I know what it's like to keep that ugly shit a secret and feel like no one understands your pain.  _I understand, Danny. Let me in. I know it's fucking hard but please… let me in._

* * *

An awkward silence settles over the three of us and it doesn't really go away even after Tucker returns to the living room. He didn't have a whole lot of luck with the chip so he says he's gonna look at it when he's home again. Which doesn't make for a long conversation and we're immediately plunged back into an awkward silence.

I'm so fucking grateful when we're interrupted by Danny's mom, who announces that the pies are done and we can have a slice if we want. Tucker and Jazz practically vault over the couch to get to the dining room but Danny's slower to follow and I keep pace with him. Better for his parents to think we're involved in a conversation, even though it's dead quiet between us, instead of questioning why their kid is walking like a zombie.

Danny's parents join the four of us at the table, dishing out slices of pie. The conversation easily flows and after a few minutes, I find myself relaxing into it. Occasionally, Tucker or Jazz will hesitantly glance in Danny's direction and I guess they're wondering how he's doing. Not that I blame them… I'm sitting next to him and I still look at him every few minutes.

Jack broaches the subject of college and asks if I've applied anywhere yet. It takes Danny's hand brushing against my knee beneath the table to break the awkward silence I accidentally slipped into. I'm hesitant but his touch convinces me to talk about the scholarship opportunities that continue to come in for me. Since the championship game, I've gotten a total of nineteen colleges interested in me. Coach said that most of them want to meet me in person and he's setting up for me to go to three of them over winter break.

I start pretty fucking hesitantly but eventually, I'm spilling my guts about the colleges. I don't give more than a few names but Jack's impressed by the ones I do mention. Even Danny looks proud, smiling at me when he nudges my knee with his hand again.

The conversation moves on and Tucker complains again about his college assignments. Mrs. Fenton takes interest in what he's saying and the two of them start discussing the subjects he's taking.

I zone out at some point, watching the attention Mrs. Fenton listens to her kids with, the way Jazz interacts with her parents, and the soft way Jack speaks whenever his words are directed at Danny. The four of them make such a family, I can't help but feel the pangs of jealousy clawing at me. I've never had this kind of interaction with anyone. Even when mom was here, it was never like this between us. Maybe we were too busy nursing our bruises and taking care of each other to have this kind of carefree atmosphere between us but… fuck, I feel like I was robbed of something I never even knew was supposed to be mine.

Time moves so much faster when I'm around people I actually give a shit about but it doesn't last for long. We've only been crowded around the table for about an hour when my phone starts ringing.

"Sorry," I mumble when Jack looks at me as I tug my phone from my pocket. He shakes his head like it isn't a big deal and I glance down at the screen. Dad's name flashes back at me and I swallow hard before I look up with a forced smile. "Uh… I should probably take this. I'll be right back."

I excuse myself from the table and Danny gives me a concerned look before I manage to slip from the room. I cross through the foyer before I answer the call and press my phone against my ear. "H-Hello?" I onehandedly tug the front door open and step out onto the porch. The evening has gotten even colder and a shiver runs through me as I pull the door closed behind me.

" _Hey, where are you? I sent Chuck to the house to get you and he said your car isn't there,"_ dad says. He only pauses for a split second before he continues without waiting for a response.  _"Can you meet me at the station?"_

I want to tell him no. I want to end this call and go back inside with the Fenton's. Cause it's warm inside and I'm only getting colder the longer I'm away from them. They're a real family and my pathetic, stupid heart can barely recognize what that's supposed to look like. I want to blow him off and stay with Danny until this coldness seeping into my bones is no longer a part of me but… it's dad.

I chew nervously on my thumb nail as I cross the porch over to the railing. I lean against it, thinking over what dad's asking of me. I don't want to leave the Fenton's yet but I don't want to overstay my welcome either. "Uh… maybe. Why?"

Dad lets out a breath, speaking to someone else but I don't hear what he says. His voice comes back on the line, a hint of amusement to his tone now. " _Because I want to see you. I know I'm working but it's still a holiday. There's a lot of downtime here."_

A groan tumbles from me as I pinch the bridge of my nose between my index finger and thumb. I don't want to see him right now but he's my dad. And the Fenton's will get sick of me soon and I'd rather leave before that happens. "Okay, yeah. I'm a little far away right now but uh… I'll come by soon. Might take me a while to get there, though."

" _Sure, no problem. I'll let Clara know to watch for you, she's working the desk today. I'll see you soon though, okay, buddy?"_ dad asks and I almost groan again at the way he's talking. He's trying again. Maybe he's just trying to be nice cause it's a holiday or maybe he's trying to fix this shit between us again but either way, it stings. I don't even know if I want to fix things between us anymore.

"Y-Yeah, dad. I'll see you soon," I manage to mumble before I end the call. I stare down at my phone for a few long minutes of silence before the cold really does get to me and I shuffle over to the front door. The warmth instantly welcomes me back in again and with the way the cold keeps ringing in my bones, I feel more out of place than I have since I showed up.

The conversation is still going pretty strong when I start for the dining room. I hesitate in the hall just outside the room and have to mentally prepare myself before stepping inside again.

Everyone is involved in some kind of debate but they're all wearing grins so I assume it's a good kind of debate. Danny turns to look at me when I step further into the room and he offers up a hesitant smile, watching as I take a few steps toward him. "Hey… good call?" he asks, a hint of concern poorly concealed behind his smile.

I can't help the smile that tugs at my mouth at his worry over me. I don't get a chance to respond to him before Jack takes notice of me.

"Everything alright?" he asks, offering up a smile that holds a little of the same concern that Danny's smile does. The other three at the table hear the tone of his voice and they all turn to look at me at once.

The words stick in my throat and that nervous feeling stabs at my gut again. I want to slink back into my seat, say everything's fine, and forget about my dad for the next couple of hours. But it's not Danny or his family's responsibility to help me through this shit. And I don't want to hide out from dad.

"Y-Yeah… everything's fine," I mumble, jerking my thumb toward the hall. "That was my dad so… I gotta get going." I glance around the table, forcing a smile as I look between Mrs. Fenton and her husband. "Today's been… it's been great, thank you for having me."

Jack rises from the table and takes a few steps toward me before he places a hand on my shoulder. "It was good to have you here, son. My children seem very taken by you and I'm glad I've finally had the pleasure of seeing why," he says, giving me a bright smile.

I don't know what to say in response and I'm frozen with a stupid, half-ass smile on my face. Thankfully, he doesn't seem to be waiting for a response. He drops his hand from my shoulder and barely turns to glance back at the table before he's facing me again.

"Can you spare a few more minutes? There's something I'd like you to see."

Danny pushes away from the table, his chair scraping along the floor with the movement. He nervously fiddles with the cuffs of his sleeves, looking between the two of us. "D-Dad… h-he probably just wants to go home. I'm sure he's got other things to do."

Jack hesitates a second before he reaches out and squeezes Danny's shoulder. Something passes between them that I don't understand as they stare at each other. After a few seconds of silence, Danny silently nods and drops his gaze. He doesn't look at anyone as he leaves the room and I watch him go for as long as I can until Jack turns back to me.

I'm met with another smile and Jack exhales out a breath. "I won't take up too much of your time, I promise. Can I show you something?"

I glance toward where Danny disappeared to, wondering what the fuck just happened. I want to go after him instead but Jack's still looking expectantly at me and I give him a nod. I follow him out of the kitchen and I slow down when we start to pass the living room. Danny's curled up on one end of the sofa, that photo album he threw earlier open on his lap.

"It's through here," Jack calls to me, earning my attention. I only look at him for a second or two before I toss a final glance in the living room.

Danny's looked up from the album and has turned a little toward me, a worried expression on his face. I only hold his gaze for a few seconds before I'm following after Jack, nerves eating away at me with every step we take.

Jack leads me through a hallway and down a set of a stairs. He hesitates at the foot of the stairs for a second or two before he crosses the room in a few strides. I'm still on the last few steps and I take a glance around the room as soon as he turns the light on.

Stacks of papers and folders are left in piles on almost every surface of the room. Two desks are against one wall, both looking like they've seen better days. One chair is pushed away from the desk like whoever was sitting in it left in a hurry. Various beakers are spread across the top of the desk – each one of them filled with a varying amount of colored liquid.

I stop at the bottom of the stairs and sweep my gaze around the room again, staring at a giant hole in one wall. Something is dangling down from the top of the hole and when I take a step away from the stairs, I realize that it's some kind of wire. And that it's less of a hole and more like… some kind of tunnel?

"This is the lab my wife and I do most of our work in. I should probably have cleaned up a little bit," Jack says with a laugh, giving me a smile when I turn around to look at him. "How much has Danny told you about our work?"

"N-Not a lot, sir," I stumble over my words, palming the back of my neck as I think it over. The conversation I overheard earlier is playing in my head. The one where Tucker said something about government agents and that Danny's parents work for them. "I uh… I know that you… work for the government?"

Jack nods and gives me a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "That's right. We haven't always but… for now, we are."

His gaze drifts toward the gaping hole on the wall and he lets out a breath, taking a few steps toward it. "This was our greatest invention ever. Almost twentyyears of research and trial and error went into creating this machine. We worked hard days and long nights to see this thing come to life and  _finally._ We managed to build it. Almost four years ago, my wife and I created this."

Jack has a faraway look in his eyes when I come to stand next to him. I watch his expression for a few seconds before I turn my gaze to the… machine in front of us. Twentyyears of research went into this thing? What the hell even is it?

"Since college, we've been working on creating a portal from our world into the world that belongs to the ecto-entities we've spent our lives studying," Jack says, glancing at me. "Or  _ghosts_ as my son calls them." He lets out a small laugh before he looks back at the machine with a shake of his head.

I swallow past the lump quickly growing in my throat as I realize exactly what the hell this thing is. This is what fucked Danny up. The thing that made him the way he is now. Made him able to do the things he can do and made people fucking chase after him and shoot at him. This is where it all started.

Jack lets out a heavy breath. "When… Danny was fourteen… he was down here with Tucker and another friend of his," he says, his expression darkening with every word he speaks. "He was explaining things about this portal. And he got too close to it… ended up getting hurt."

He drops his head, running a hand through his hair and that same pain I've seen in Danny, I see in Jack now. This pain is different from his son's. It's quieter, hidden better. Because Danny's pain is just his own but Jack's isn't only for himself, it's also for his son. For the things this family's been through. For everything they lost the day of Danny's accident.

"We rushed him to the hospital and the doctors and nurses fought hard to stabilize him… but they weren't getting any brain activity. For three days straight, a team of doctors worked on him, trying everything they could to keep my son b-breathing," Jack's voice hitches and the sound makes the lump in my throat grow.

If this was Danny talking, I'd put my arm around him or reach to hold his hand. But this is his father and I don't know how I'm supposed to console him – if I'm even supposed to. If it was me talking about my shit, I'd want to just stand there stoically and not cry but… truth is, I probably wouldn't be as pulled together as Jack somehow still is.

"It was… touch and go for a long time there but at the end, I was able to see Danny's smiling face again." He sniffles loudly and in the silence, it's startling. I thought adults were supposed to be better at talking about this kind of stuff but… maybe it's different when it's your kid.

Jack runs a hand down his face, letting out a pent-up breath. His gaze flits around the lab before he looks back at me with a smile that's definitely forced. He nods toward something behind me. "Come here, I want to show you something."

He leads me over to a small table where a row of beakers are set up. He nudges them aside to get to a framed photo propped up against a beaker half-full of green liquid. He stares down at the picture for a few long moments, finally letting out a breath as he hands it over.

I immediately drop my gaze to the photo, grateful to have something else to look at. The picture is of Jack, standing with Danny in front of a ferris wheel, and the only reason I can tell it's from a couple years back is that Danny actually looks like he has some meat on his bones and he doesn't have a carefully hidden terrified look staining his expression. He… actually looks happy.

"This was taken two weeks before his accident… I'm sure you don't need me to point out how different he looks now," Jack says with a soft breath.

I swallow hard, passing the frame back to him as I nod. "Yeah…" I don't know what else to say and everything I'm thinking of is tied up with what Danny told me about his powers… he said his parents don't know anything. I don't want to slip up and have to come up with some kind of lie to cover for him.

Jack looks over the picture again for a few more seconds before he puts it back. He traces the frame with one finger and exhales out before looking at me with another smile. "I just wanted to show you that Danny's… been through a lot."

"I-I know," I mumble. Fuck, I  _know_ more about what Danny's been through than his own parents do. I was the one there to help hold him the fuck together when he opened up about phantom and he called  _me_  when he was bleeding out on Monday.

Jack suddenly leans over to put a hand on my shoulder. "I know how important you are to Danny and I appreciate how careful you're being with him. I can only assume that he's opened up to you about some of the things he's been through. I don't know how much he's told you but I'm glad to see that he trusts you. It hasn't always been easy for him to open up but… I know he cares about you."

I drop my gaze, nodding as I inwardly tell the butterflies to fuck off. I can't fucking blush in front of Danny's  _dad_ while we're talking about him. "Y-Yeah… he uhh… yeah."

The quiet only lasts for a second before Jack squeezes my shoulder. "I mean it. My son doesn't exactly… talk to a lot of people. Even online, I think he has a grand total of one friend. The fact that he invited you today says a lot about how much you mean to him."

_Fuck you, butterflies._

I awkwardly smile despite the blush I can feel creeping across my face. I drop my gaze, too afraid to see the look on Jack's face when he sees me blushing cause I'm thinking about his fucking son. Or more accurately: fucking his son. _Shit, don't go there._

After a few seconds of making sure I'm not about to spontaneously fucking  _combust_ , I look up at Jack with a genuine smile. "Danny means a lot to me too. And… I'm really glad he invited me today."

"Good," Jack claps me on the shoulder before stepping back from me. "You're always welcome here. Any friend of Danny's is welcome under my roof."

I can't stop the grin from spreading across my face at his words. I really fucking like Jack. No wonder Danny speaks so highly of him. He's an incredibly kind person and the gentle way he treats Danny lets me know that he means every word he just said.

It's so quiet between us that I start a little when my phone vibrates in my pocket.

**From: Dad**

_**Drive safe, kiddo** _

That text message brings the lump back in my throat for an entirely different reason and I stare down at his words on my screen for longer than I should. Eventually, I look back up at Jack, letting out a soft breath. "Th-That was my dad… I should… head out."

Jack nods, smiling as he steps back to let me pass by him. I only get about two steps away from him when he calls my name. I turn back instantly and that smile disappears from his face.

"You should know that if that ever changes… if you stop caring about Danny... you better let him down easy," Jack says, taking a step toward me, his expression unreadable. "I picked up the broken pieces of my son once, don't let yourself become the reason that I have to do it again."

I'm sure my mouth is hanging open as I stare at Jack, completely unsure of what to say in the silence. His eyebrows draw down as he watches me and after a few seconds, he gives up on getting a response.

"I like you, son. I like the way you get Danny out of his head. When he's focused on you, he's not retreating inside himself again and I can't even begin to thank you enough for that. But… if you ever hurt him, you'll have me to answer to, you understand that? And I can  _promise_ you, I won't be letting you down easy at all," Jack says, somehow managing to look both protective and menacing as fuck.  _Holy shit, note to self. Never piss Jack Fenton off._

"I-I… don't want to hurt him," I say, keeping myself from stuttering more than once. It's the truth, I'll never hurt Danny. Even if I never get to hold his hand and tell him that he's beautiful and place gentle kisses along his fading bruises… I could  _never_  hurt him.

Jack stares me down for a few, long seconds before he seems to accept my words. He reaches over to pat me on the shoulder again before he steps back to let me go. I only hesitate for a second before I'm walking across the lab to the stairs, trying really hard not to fucking sprint across the room. Cause I'm still processing everything he just said. Despite the fact that he essentially told me that he'll kill me if I hurt Danny… he also told me that I'm really fucking important to Danny. And my pathetic, love-sick heart decides to focus on only that as I climb the stairs out of the lab.

* * *

I'm followed up the stairs by Jack and a round of goodbye's are exchanged. Jazz hugs me tightly and softly thanks me for watching out for Danny. She pulls away from me with a smile that holds every ounce of concern I feel when she glances toward her brother.

Tucker seems hesitant at first but he holds his fist out for another bump. I meet the gesture before Jack extends his hand toward me. Mrs. Fenton surprises me by shaking my hand with an actual smile on her face, that look of annoyance I've always seen her with is gone in this moment and I weakly shake her hand back.

Danny looks up at me and he hesitates a second before he takes a step toward me and gently pulls me into a hug. I'm careful with the way I hold him cause I know he's still in pain and cause his parents are right-fucking-there… It's not like I could subtly bury my face in his hair so I could memorize the way he smells. I'm sure Mrs. Fenton would keel over.

I don't want to go but as soon as I leave Danny's arms I force a smile and thank them again for having me over. I tug open the front door and step out onto the porch, smiling as Jack calls, "Take care!" after me.

The door closes and I push out a breath, looking out at the front yard. The football we played with earlier is abandoned on the grass and the sight of it reminds me of Danny ripping a stitch out. He's gonna kill me with how fucking hard it is to watch him in pain. With a sigh, I start down the stairs but I only get to the bottom before the door opens behind me.

Danny steps out onto the front porch, my jacket in his hand, and offers up a tired smile. He looks like he wants to descend the staircase but decides against it, tossing my jacket down to me before he leans against one of the columns at the top instead. "Hey," he says, his voice soft.

I can't help the smile that immediately appears on my face and though I want to take the stairs up to him, I only step onto the last stair, shrugging my jacket on. I lean against the railing, giving him what I'm sure is a fucking dopey smile but Danny doesn't seem to care.

"I'm really glad you decided to come today. Even though… I know my parents can be insane sometimes but… they mean well," he says, offering up a shrug. He glances back toward his house, shaking his head.

I watch him chew on his bottom lip for as long as I can handle it before I let out a breath, running my fingers through my hair. "They weren't…  _that_ bad." Well… his mom was. His dad was cool though. Even with the vague threat he made in the lab.

Danny gives me a look. "You don't have to lie. I live with them, okay? I know what spiel my dad probably fed you and I know that despite how well today went, my mom  _still_ won't trust you for a while. And no matter how-" He stops suddenly, letting out a soft groan. He shakes his head, giving me an apologetic look. "Sorry…"

"It's fine," I shrug, glancing back toward his house. "She seems like she hates me to be honest."

He nods, dropping his gaze from me. "Yeah… I'm sorry." He gives me a sympathetic smile before he looks away again. I watch him start to retreat in on himself for only a moment before I step up to the second stare, swallowing hard when he looks at me.

"Earlier… you got kinda… um… wh-when Jazz and I were looking at the photos," I mumble, knowing I'm doing a really shit job at trying to explain what the fuck I'm asking about. "You got… really upset about it."

Some kind of darkness takes over Danny's expression and he pushes out a breath. He folds his arms across his chest before he responds. "I didn't want you to see that shit. And Jazz should have known better than to drag that album out."

The breath sticks in my throat and I try to convince myself to just leave it there. To let that small explanation be enough but I'm so fucking selfish, I can never let anything go.

"You know… it wasn't that big of a deal," I mumble with a half-assed shrug. "You didn't like… look bad or anything in the photos. I know… what happened when you were a sophomore, with… your ex-boyfriend and everything. I hope you know that you don't have to… hide that part of yourself away."

Darkness isn't an accurate word for the look on Danny's face anymore. Darkness is far too light to describe the way his eyebrows draw down and all hint of light drains from his face and eyes, leaving behind someone so raw and so filled with anger, it holds his frame together.

"That was the lowest point of my  _life_ , Dash. I never want anyone to see anything from that shit year." His arms fold over his chest like he wants to protect himself from whatever judgement I might pass but… I'm not gonna judge him for anything.

I try to find the words to tell him that it's gonna be okay but they stick in my throat and refuse to spill from my tongue. I end up opening and closing my mouth half a dozen times before I suck in a breath and force myself to say  _something_. "I'm sorry, I-"

"I tried to kill myself that year."

Danny arches an eyebrow at the look on my face and for a few seconds, all we do is stare back at each other. I can't even form a coherent thought about what the fuck he just told me as I stare up at his face, still so devoid of emotion.

He lets out a hollow laugh, shoving away from the column and taking a step down toward me. "I was in the psych ward for three weeks after and once I was finally out of there, my parents were advised to find me a therapist. Which they did." He lets out a breath, shaking his head. "These past two years have been so fucked-up and I never wanted you to see that."

I don't know what to say. I don't know what the fuck to say. He's listened to me bitch about my dad, about my mom, about my stupid fucking algebra, and he's been dealing with this. How the  _fuck_ does he put up with someone like me?

"I-I'm sorry," I blurt out, unable to stop myself. I want to say that I'm not just sorry for the shitty hand he's been dealt but that I'm sorry for me too. I'm sorry for being another thing that weighs on his mind. I'm sorry for adding any kind of stress or tension to him simply cause I can't stop myself from bitching around anyone that'll listen.

Danny shakes his head, descending the last stair between us. He's still one above me and he takes the height to his advantage, placing his hands on my shoulders. I hold his gaze even as he bites on his lip but a breath leaves me when he slowly drags his teeth over his lip.

"I don't want… what I just told you to change anything. Us, this… friendship… nothing can change because of this. Promise me… that nothing's gonna change." Danny stares down at me, trepidation in every line on his face, and I don't know how I could ever say no to him.

I take his wrist gently in my hand and guide his hand forward until his palm is resting against my chest. My heart's pounding like crazy because of him but I have to show him somehow that he still means everything to me, regardless of the shit he just told me.

"Nothing's going to change," I tell him, my words drawing out a hesitant expression on Danny's face. I take his hand in my own again and drag it away from my chest, squeezing his hand gently. Some unknown bravery flares alive in my chest and I lift Danny's hand to my mouth before I can stop myself. I brush my lips against his knuckles the way he did to mine in the backseat of Tatiana's car.

Danny's eyes have widened a little and he lets out a soft breath when I repeat that nothing's going to change. Cause it isn't. I won't let it.

A faint blush is staining his cheeks and this small, asshole part of my heart leaps – trying to convince me that his face is flushed because of the kiss and not because he's embarrassed. But he  _is_ embarrassed. Cause I know more about him than he probably ever planned on telling me.

He nods, dropping his gaze to our intertwined hands. "Thank you," he mutters softly, glancing up at me. We hold each other's stare for only a few moments before I recognize the want for contact on his face and I easily pull him against my chest.

Danny exhales out a shaky breath, sliding his arms around my back and curling his hands around my jacket. "Did your dad… really call you?" he asks, and I feel every second of hesitation in between his words. "You c-could stay… for a while, y'know."

I draw in a breath, resting my chin on the top of his head as I turn my gaze to the sky. I'd love to stay with Danny and his family and just never let this day end. But this is his family and even though I know he doesn't mind me hanging around, I want him to have some time with just them.

"I know. But I need to go see him," I mumble, barely managing to keep myself from kissing his hair. I got away with it in the hotel after mom managed to stitch him up but I don't think he'd let it go this time. He'd ask why and I'd have to tell him that I've completely fallen for him.

Danny makes a face when he pulls away from me. "You don't  _have_ to see him…" He groans softly when I shrug and he takes a step back. "At least… text me when you're done?"

That asshole part of my heart jumps at the concern in his tone and I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from grinning.  _He's concerned cause he knows my shit, Jesus Christ, chill out._

"Yeah… I'll text you," I mumble, running a hand through my hair before I take a step backward too. One corner of his mouth lifts and I return the almost-smile before I climb down the stairs and start for my car. I don't want to leave Danny but I can't hang around him all day. He's got his shit to do and I've got mine. I guess it's just nice to know that at the end of the day, he's as concerned about me as I am him. Other people have asked me to text them once I'm home but Danny makes it feel like the first time anyone's cared about me this much. And I could get used to the way his concern rolls over me like a warmth no winter could ever freeze out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoo! Happy early New Years, everybody!
> 
> Man, it's crazy to think it's been almost two years since I started writing this fic. I still love it and even though it takes a while to edit each chapter, the process is worth the results. I'm happy with the way this chapter turned out and I hope all of you like it as well
> 
> So… after the angst that was 61, all of these characters definitely deserved a break. So you get fluffy Thanksgiving goodness to help you get through that. If you still don't hate me for the hell I've been putting these characters through… well… you will
> 
> By the way... what do you think of Jack's conversation with Dash in the lab? I'd love to hear your thoughts about that tbh. It was one of the scenes I had the most fun with throughout the entirety of writing this fic so far
> 
> To everyone that was guessing it after last chapter, you have your answer. That thing Dash's mom pulled out of Danny is in fact, a tracker! Kudos to those of you who guessed it, I was actually surprised most of you thought it might be that. I guess that wasn't as subtle as I thought it was haha!
> 
> The inspiration for this chapter's title comes from Roses by Shawn Mendes. If that's not a fucking Stay song, I don't know what is. Seriously, it's so Dash's thoughts toward Danny
> 
> Anyway, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about this update – it's been a long time coming and I'm happy that it's finally out there for everyone to read! So please let me know either in the reviews/comments or over in my tumblr inbox!
> 
> Thanks for reading this story, everyone, and I hope you've all had a great break from school or work or what have you. Here's to a brand new year of this fic!


	63. I Only Want What I Can't Have

I park my Mitsubishi in the empty space beside dad's car and kill the engine. A soft breath leaves me in the silence and I inwardly prepare myself for whatever the hell he's called me here for. I lean back in my seat, looking out at dad's car.

His police cruiser's only got a couple of years on it but it's got more wear and tear than my ride. Maybe it's cause he spends his time chasing after people in his car but still. He doesn't take care of it the way I do mine.

I only let myself stall for a few minutes before I get out of my car and start into the station. Clara greets me as soon as I walk inside and she tells me that dad's in his office waiting for me. I don't know why but the way she says it put me on edge. I nervously chew on my fingernails on my way down the hall and quietly knock on his door when I stop outside his office.

"Come in," dad calls from the other side and I drag in a shaky breath before I twist the handle.

Dad gives me a broad smile when he sees me and he rises from his desk. "Hey, kiddo," he says, beckoning me forward with a wave of his hand. "Come here, I got take-out from the deli across the street. I have a couple of calls I'm waiting on so I can't leave the office today but I wanted to spend a little time with you."

I push the door closed behind me and hesitate for a few seconds before I cross over to his desk. He gestures at the chair on the other side of his desk and I uneasily sink down into it. He sets a wrapped sandwich on my side of the desk and I busy my hands by taking my jacket off, tossing it across the arm of the chair next to me.

He settles down in his chair, still smiling as he looks up at me. "I didn't want you spending Thanksgiving alone. And… I realized a little too late that I should have talked to you before I decided to take a shift today," he says softly, offering up an apologetic smile as he sets down a bag of chips with a noisy crinkle. "I'm sorry, I didn't think about you being alone."

I shift uncomfortably in my chair, shrugging a little. I have no fucking clue what to say so I lean forward and snag one of the straws lying on the desk instead of responding. I fiddle with the paper wrapped around the straw for a few seconds before I glance up at dad with a shrug.

"It's okay. I wasn't alone," I mumble, leaning forward to snag the small bag of chips on my side of the desk. It makes a noise as I open the bag and for once, it's not scratching at me like it normally would. Maybe because I'm hyper aware of the noises dad's making instead of my own. I only take a few chips out to give myself something to do.

Dad's quiet across from me as I stare down into the bag, studying the individual chips, and wondering how Danny's doing now. Even though it hasn't been much longer than an hour since I saw him, I still find my mind wandering back to Danny.

"Did you spend today with your mother?" dad asks, pulling me from my thoughts completely.

I swallow hard, leaning forward to set the chips down on the desk, grabbing my drink instead. I force some of the soda down my throat to keep myself from panicking. I take a few measured breaths before I clear my throat and look up at him, shaking my head. "No… I didn't."

He nods, keeping his gaze on his sandwich while mine's on him. I study every small detail of his facial expression, trying to get anything I can from it. There's no telling if he's gonna snap and start kicking my ass. I really don't want today to end in bruises but I know dad. And it's really fucking hard to believe that he's just called me here to hang out.

"A friend then?" he asks, finally looking up from his food. He only gives me a fleeting glance but it's enough to get a full look at his expression. And as weird as it feels, he doesn't look pissed off. Considering one of the last times we talked about mom, I figured he'd get ticked off even if she was just mentioned.

I swallow another mouthful of my drink, dropping my gaze to his desk as I lean forward to set the cup down on it. This is weird. He's talking like he cares and he doesn't seem to give a  _shit_ that I could have been hanging out with mom today.

Dad leans forward to get his own drink and our gazes barely meet before I'm looking away again, training my gaze out the window to study the parking lot instead of him. Cause I can't think about how fucking weird this is anymore.

"Kwan?" he asks and I manage to hold his gaze this time.

I let out a breath, slowly shaking my head. "No, just another friend," I respond, running a hand down my face. Shit, I used to be better at dealing with questions from dad. He used to ask more often than he has lately. Or maybe I just remember having mom there to distract him if I started to get uncomfortable under his stare. But it's just me now and I'm not exactly uncomfortable. It's just weird.

Dad nods and we fall silent as he continues to eat and I stare out the window wishing I was still hanging out with the Fenton's instead. I think dad's trying to be a parent again, like he was after I fucked up my calf in the spring but… does it make me a complete asshole if it feels like he's waited too long to try again?

* * *

I leave the station almost as soon as dad finishes eating, making up an excuse about needing to get some homework done. Dad buys the line and I only feel a little guilty as I climb into my Mitsubishi and pull out of the parking lot.

The drive back to the house is shorter than usual cause no one's on the roads. Everyone has somewhere to be for the holiday and I'm going home alone. And my house feels cold when I pull into the driveway but I get out of my car anyway.

I don't really have a lot of homework to work on, other than some algebra that I'll definitely need Danny's help with. I figured out a couple of problems on my own but half of that shit might as well be Greek to me.

After I kick my shoes off and shed my jacket, I grab my laptop from my desk and crawl onto my bed. If dad comes home early, I'll tell him I'm working on an essay. Even though I'll most likely be bingeing on Supernatural or watching a football game.

My phone vibrates in my pocket almost as soon as my computer springs to life. I type in my password and let the desktop load before I dig my phone from my pocket. I'd be a complete fucking liar if I said that seeing Danny's name on my screen didn't make me grin.

**From: Danny**

_**Trying not to be that paranoid friend but… you okay?** _

A groan slips from me and I cover my face with one hand.  _Be that paranoid friend, Danny. I don't mind. At least you're thinking about me._  …Shit, I'm in deep.

**To: Danny**

_**Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry, just got home** _

I force myself to pay attention to my computer, opening up a couple of different websites and pointlessly checking my email, all to keep from staring at my phone screen, waiting around for Danny's response. Cause that would be completely pathetic. As compared to what I am now, only  _slightly_ pathetic.

**From: Danny**

_**Ahh, okay. Good, glad to know you're okay :)** _

I memorize his words a million fucking times before I start to type out my response. I don't get the chance to come up with anything that sounds casual instead of like I'm flirting with him before another text comes through.

**From: Danny**

_**Did it go okay with your dad? (I'm sorry, I know you'd bring this up if you wanted to talk about it, I'm just worried.)** _

I feel so wrong for the way my chest fucking aches at his text. Cause he doesn't have to care about my shit but he  _does_ and it makes me feel good knowing that someone cares. And it makes me feel  _really_ fucking good that that someone is Danny.

**To: Danny**

_**Yeah, it was okay** _

_**You don't have to apologize, I know you care about me ;P** _

I hate using emoji's. They're really fucking stupid. But throwing one into a text to Danny makes it feel like I'm less invested in this conversation. Like I don't care as much as I actually fucking do. And for now, that's what I need. Cause I don't want to do anything that makes him think I like him. Not while he's still so fucked up from what his ex-boyfriend did and the whatever shit is between him and his mom. Right now, he needs to deal with his shit and I need to deal with mine. Even if that means I have to wait a little longer before I can brush my lips against his collarbones and make him moan my name.

* * *

The weekend after Thanksgiving is a long one. Even though I get texts and photos from Danny, recounting his Black Friday adventures, and Kwan and I facetime again on Saturday, it's boring as hell just by myself. Dad's working all weekend and I only get a chance to see him on Sunday, just before he leaves for another all-day shift.

I spend most of Sunday lazing around and I finally decide to actually get my homework done around midday. I snapchat a picture of my algebra homework to Danny, feeling really fucking proud of myself, and he quickly sends me a text, saying that I messed up on a couple of problems and offers to help me out during our spare tomorrow. I barely think about the text I send back to him but reading over it again, the 'please' at the end feels really fucking pathetic.

Dad gets home pretty late on Sunday and I barely hear the door close after him before I'm finally drifting off, the faint sound of his footsteps fading away into the distance, as my body gives into the sleep it was fighting against for so long.

* * *

My alarm is fucking  _killer_ on Monday morning. I feel drunk when I wake up, stumbling around my room to get ready for school. I don't know how long I was actually asleep but it feels like fucking  _seconds_ ago that I heard dad coming in the door.

I somehow manage a bleary-eyed shower but my attempt at shaving doesn't go quite as well and I cut the shit out of the underside of my chin. It takes me about ten minutes of patting the area with the shirt I slept in last night but eventually, the bleeding stops and I leave the bathroom.

Dad's sitting at the kitchen table when I move downstairs, jacket and shoes in one hand and my backpack in the other. He gives me a bright smile but I barely manage more than a weak nod, shuffling over to the coffee pot in silence.

"Good morning," dad says, laughing at whatever expression is on my face when I glance over my shoulder. He sips from his mug and I only look his way for a second before my mind is focused on coffee again.

I grunt a hello in response and find my travel mug. I take my time adding in sugar and milk to my cup before I snap the lid on and turn back to dad. He's looking over the newspaper, sipping from his coffee mug, but he meets my gaze when I look his way.

He leans back in his chair, setting the newspaper down. "How'd you sleep?"

I can't remember the last time he's asked me a question about that or about how I'm doing at all. I've barely seen him since our bizarre stilted conversation on Thursday. Even though I want nothing more than to just tell him I slept fine and leave before he has the chance to get under my skin and fuck up my day, I cross the room and collapse in a chair across from him.

"Not bad… a little shitty," I mumble, running a hand down my face. I rest my forehead in the palm of my hand, letting out a breath as I lean on the table.  _Fuck, I'm so tired._  I take another sip of coffee, knowing that I should be out of here soon or I'm gonna be late. And I know how much Ms. Anderson fucking  _cherishes_ getting to bust my balls every time I come in late.

Dad lets out a soft breath, his eyebrows drawn down in concern when I glance up at him. "I'm not working today but I am running a few errands later. Do I need to pick up some sleep aids or anything for you while I'm out?"

_What the fuck?_

I slowly sit upright, blinking to try and figure out if I'm fucking dreaming. Sleep aids. He's asking if I need fucking sleep aids. This is the same dad who told me I was making this shit up in sixth grade, right? Nobody's replaced him overnight and is waiting around to see how long it takes me to notice?

"No, it's… okay," I respond, still not entirely convinced that this is the same guy who told me to 'suck it up' during the long nights of middle school when I just  _couldn't_ fall asleep.

The concern on dad's face increases just a little. "You sure? Anything else you need?"

_Seriously, what the fuck?_ I feel weird telling him to get anything for me but he's asked twice and I don't want to be an asshole and say I don't need anything from him. Even though I've learned to quit relying on him, he's offering and fuck, I don't want to make this awkward between us.

"Uhh… yeah, sure. You could… pick up some batteries for my… xbox controllers," I mumble, running a hand through my hair before I push away from the table and stand. I can't keep sitting here or the tension slowly building in my gut will spread to my fingertips and he'll see that I still can't control the trembling in my hands.  _I'm trying dad, I'm really fucking trying._

I hold my travel mug in one hand and plunge my other hand into my pocket to look as casual as possible. "I'll just… text you the brand later?"

Dad nods, his expression lightening to make room for the smile across his lips, and I quickly take my leave. I don't know what the fuck is going on with him. He's offering to get things for me and wishing me a good morning and… fuck. I don't know how to deal with this version of dad. I'm used to the one that settles things with his fists and doesn't care if he leaves me with bruises that aren't just skin-deep.

I grab my jacket from the stairs and slide it on, jamming my feet into my shoes before I sling my backpack onto my shoulder. Even though it makes my gut clench, I glance over my shoulder and call out to dad as I head toward the front door. "See you later."

He looks up from the paper again, offering a wave and more words that just make this whole situation feel way more fucked up than it should be. "Have a good day, kiddo."

* * *

I hang out in the parking lot as soon as I get to school, just watching as everyone arrives. I'm sitting on the trunk of my car, draining my coffee, when Kwan parks his car in the space next to mine. He gives me a grin from the window before he's climbing out of his car.

"Hey man," I greet, my voice gravelly even to my own ears.

Kwan gives me a look as he slides up onto the trunk and scoots closer to me. He lets out a breath and stares out at the parking lot in silence. I sip from my travel mug, intent on keeping quiet until he talks. Cause he's got shit his own to deal with and I'm tired of dragging mine out and making him think about me when he should just be focused on himself. God, I'm trying so hard but I know I'm fucking seconds away from snapping under all this goddamn pressure.

"Things are… weird," I mumble, gulping down a few swallows of coffee when Kwan looks at me. I hesitate way too fucking long before I meet his gaze but I manage to actually look at him and I can't stop myself from spilling my fucking guts into the space between us. "Dad's being really fucking nice but it feel like some kind of trap, and my mom is… god, it's weird with her too. And I know you've got your own shit to deal with and I  _know_  I talk too much about mine. I'm sorry, I don't… I just can't…really. N-Not by myse-"

Kwan stops me instantly with a hand on my arm and I let out a shuttering breath, my eyes falling closed. "Don't worry about whatever I'm dealing with," he says, and I try to let his voice ease the tension coiling in the pit of my stomach. "Talk to me, what's going on?"

He patiently waits for me to sort out what the hell is in my head and I wish I could just tell him everything. But I don't know how to say it. I've spent so much damn time trying to get better with words but I don't think it's worked at all.

"I don't know, it's a lot of different shit," I mumble, weakly shrugging one shoulder.

Kwan tsks softly, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and guiding my head to rest against his shoulder. "It's gonna be okay," he says, his grip on me tightening when I sigh. "I mean it, Dash. All this shit we're both dealing with… it'll get better, okay? It has to at some point, right? Laws of nature and all? What goes up must come down?"

I snort, rolling my eyes as I push away from him. He gives me grin that cracks a smile on my face. "Whatever, man." I run a hand through my hair, giving him a sideways look. "Your stupid jokes never get any funnier, you know that?"

"I know. But you can't resist my  _great_  sense of humor," he says, batting his eyelashes at me and making me laugh again.

He nudges his shoulder against mine when I turn my gaze out to the parking lot. "Seriously, it's gonna be okay. If things get bad or whatever, you can always come to my place, you know that. And if something happens… you know we'll figure it out."

I can't deny that he's actually making me feel better but I still stick my tongue out when he looks at me. His laugh makes me grin and I let my stare drift through the parking lot, trying not to think about all the shit with either of my parents.

Across the lot, Keith is looking at me and Kwan but he quickly darts his gaze away when I look at him. It's hard to tell from the distance but I'm pretty sure he's blushing. _Oh right._

"Hey, Kwan…?" I ask, keeping my gaze away from him. I have no clue where to start with this but I'm guessing that outright asking if my best friend likes our teammate wouldn't be very subtle. "Have you… thought about what Danny said after the game? Out on the balcony?"

Kwan shifts next to me, giving me a puzzled look when I look at him. "What do you mean?"

I chew on the inside of my lip, trying to figure out how to phrase it. "Like… when he was talking about not dating until he's in college…" I swallow past the lump in my throat. God, no wonder Danny doesn't want to get involved with anyone until college. With an ex like his, who wouldn't wait a while longer? "Um… y-you said that you might try that." I shrug, hoping I've put every ounce of subtlety I can manage into my tone.

Kwan makes a spluttered noise beside me and his face is flushed when I look at him. He averts his gaze almost immediately, exhaling out with a nervous laugh.

"Yeeeahhh," he says, looking at me with a sheepish grin. "I totally planned to but… I saw this really cute guy's profile on Grindr and well… I-I'm too much of an obnoxious flirt to give up dating for the rest of this school year," Kwan admits.

I can't help the snort that leaves me as I roll my eyes. He's right. I don't know why I ever thought he'd actually give it up. Kwan's  _way_ too much of a flirt to give up for that long.

"Maybe your next boyfriend could be someone you meet in person," I respond, sticking my tongue out at him when he gives me a funny look. "You know, someone you  _don't_ meet through that shitty app."

"Hey, it's not shitty," Kwan responds, nudging my shoulder with his own. It brought him to Jared so… I beg to differ.

I sip my coffee in the brief silence that falls between us. "All I'm saying is… don't close yourself off from guys you meet in person yet, okay? There are plenty of guys in Amity Park that you wouldn't be half bad with." I shrug when he glances my way and I try to play it off as casually as I can. "I don't know, maybe there's a guy you already know pretty well. Someone that you would have never considered before now."

Kwan gives me a look and I only briefly meet it before I return my stare to the parking lot. "Are you  _flirting_ with me?" he asks with a flustered laugh and I feel my face heat up instantly. I turn to defend myself but he cuts me off, grinning wickedly.

"I mean, I know you want in Danny's pants but mine too? Sheesh, you're becoming quite the player." He winks, forcing me to give up the pretense that I'm not embarrassed.

I roll my eyes and look away from him.  _He's_ the obnoxious flirt out of the two of us, not me. Even though I did almost kiss that bartender, Gregor… and I  _actually_ went home with Kitty… Ugh, he might be a flirt but I'm fucking hopeless with this shit. "Oh shut up."

* * *

Danny doesn't show up for school on Monday. He sends me a text halfway through my biology class to let me know that he's not planning on coming in today or tomorrow. He apologizes for not being able to help me with my homework but I couldn't give less of a shit about that. I respond as soon as the class is over, asking if he's okay. And even though I send him a few texts throughout the day, I don't get more than a text or two from him until Tuesday.

I'm in my bedroom, trying to work on my homework but mostly just rewatching Supernatural, when a notification from Facebook dings in the tab open beside Netflix. I don't bother pausing the episode I'm on before I switch tabs.

There's a chat notification in the bottom tray of the site and I open up a window that's blinking red. My breath sticks in my throat as I see Danny's name, my heart jumping as another message lights up our chat window.

_Danny Fenton: Hey! :)_

_Danny Fenton: missed you yesterday… it was pretty boring at my house lol_

I'm stunned for a few seconds, just staring at his words, but I realize I should probably respond instead of dopily fucking staring at my screen. It takes several attempts to sound casual and I hope to whatever god is listening that Danny doesn't question why it takes me three years to type back one stupid message.

_Me: yeah? What'd you do without having to face the bullshit of school?_

_Danny Fenton: not much… just kinda lazed around the house :P_

_Danny Fenton: how've you been?_

God, he makes this sound so easy. Simple. Like it should be fucking easy to respond to a stupid message but it's not. At least, not for me. Cause my heart is constricting with every word I type and immediately erase in his chat window. I want to say everything's been good and not even think about how it's been with my dad but I can't drag my mind away from how weird it's been between us.

I run a hand down my face and switch tabs to pause Netflix. The screen stops with an image of Dean looking off into the distance and I stare at it for a few seconds before I find my balls and switch back to Facebook.

_Me: good, just trying to get through the beast of my homework lmao_

_Danny Fenton: I feel that_

_Danny Fenton: Do you have Skype?_

Fuck, my heart actually constricts. He wants to skype with me? Like video and shit? I don't know if I can handle seeing his face right now but I quiet that part of myself, hurriedly typing back a response.

_Me: yeah I do_

_Me: why? You wanna talk?_

_Danny Fenton: Kinda_

_Danny Fenton: Add me? I'm danTHAman_

_Danny Fenton: Tucker's idea lol_

_Me: Okay one sec_

I nervously drum my hands against my desktop as I wait for Skype to load. The blue image fills my screen momentarily and I listen to the sign-in noise before I get the chance to search for his username.

I've only ever used Skype before when mom wanted me to talk to my grandparents or when mom took a few vacations without dad when I was younger. It's been at least six years since I used it and if not for Danny, I wouldn't be powering it up now.

The profile picture Danny has on Skype is definitely him but he looks way younger than the photo on his Facebook profile. He's wearing a baseball cap turned sideways, his tongue stuck out as he gives the camera a peace sign.

I hit add contact and send off the generic message, waiting a few seconds before I add, "nice profile pic ;P"

_DanTHAman: omfg_

_DanTHAman: I totally forgot about that, it's so cringey_

_**Incoming call: DanTHAman**_

I blow out a breath, steeling myself before I move my cursor over to click the answer button. I practically hold my fucking breath as I listen to the call jingle ring out a few extra times before it clicks and Danny's face fills my screen.

He grins broadly, exhaling out a nervous laugh. "Hey!"  _Shit. Why do you have to be so fucking cute, Fenton?_

"Uhh, h-hey," I respond, awkwardly scratching the back of my head with a shitty grin. "How's… everything?"

Danny tilts his head to one side, shrugging. "Not bad. I'm just bored and my parents aren't gonna be home for another couple of hours." He exhales out, his gaze darting away from his screen for a second before he's looking back at me, fucking  _killing_ me with the way he chews on his bottom lip. "I hope I'm not interrupting your homework…"

"Nah," I dismiss with a wave of my hand. "I was mostly watching something rather than working. That shit can wait until later."  _You're way more fun to pay attention to._

A smile lights his face up again and he leans forward to prop his elbow on his desk, resting his chin in his hand. "So, things have been good?"

"Y-Yeah," I mumble, hoping that the flush I can feel on my face doesn't show up that well on his screen. Things  _have_ been good. Even though I can't figure out how the fuck I'm supposed to act around dad when he's not angry, and I don't have the balls to give my mom a call, things are still good. At least… they're okay.

Danny's smile disappears after a second and he glances over his shoulder like he's worried someone might overhear. "Listen…" he says softly, turning back toward his screen with a pinched expression. I hate that I'm not next to him right now, holding his hand while he talks through whatever's fucking with him. "I overheard my parents talking last night."

He shifts a little in his chair, letting out a shaky breath. "They were talking about the whole… phantom thing," he says and I feel the tension suddenly a part of our conversation, making us both hesitate.

I try to make it as casual as I can manage, leaning forward until I can rest my elbow on my desk. "Yeah?" I ask, leaning my chin into my hand. He chews on his bottom lip and I try to school my heart into not fluttering.

"Yeah… My mom said that…" he exhales, his words coming out in a rush. "She was talking about some kind of evidence they have against the phantom and mentioned the search for him is still on…"

Danny meets my gaze, fear tugging at his expression. "Dash… the government agents… they're looking for that place I called you from. The woods by the outlook? They're trying to find it because… because after they shot me, I tried to just disappear but I was bleeding and they almost got me," he breathes out slowly, dropping his gaze as he braces his palms against his desk.

His shoulders are squared and he breathes in deep before starting again, his every word more of an effort than before. "One of them had a bag over my face and I couldn't breathe and… I don't know how I got away but when I did, I ran faster than they could and I hid out until they started looking in another direction." Danny drops his shoulders and looks up at me again. "But they… They have some samples of my blood now. From where I was standing when they shot me but my mom said something about them being contaminated? I don't know… I didn't hear all of it but they're looking for where I ended up, hoping to find some of my blood a-and it won't be long before they do. And they'll find out who the phantom really is."

_Shit._

I blow out a breath, leaning back in my desk chair. I thought all of this shit was supposed to calm down now. Danny said he's gonna stop this but I guess it's too late. They have evidence against him and even if it is contaminated, I wouldn't put it past them to use it anyway. I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't even know where to start but fuck, I can't let those agents get their hands on him.

"Okay," I run a hand down my face, pushing out a breath. "What do we do from here?"

Danny's gaze leaves his screen and he shakes his head. His bangs fall into his eyes and I  _curse_ the fact that we're not next to each other right now. I ache to push the hair back from his face and try to ease his fears but I can only do one of those things over Skype.

"We'll figure this out," I say instead of touching him the way I want to. My words do little to help and he sighs, seeming to lose a little bit more strength with the exhale. I chew on the inside of my lip, trying to placate his fears as well as he's always been able to with mine. "I mean it. I… know you're scared. But you don't have to face this alone. I'm gonna be here. N-No matter what you need, I'll be here," I promise, my voice shaking when he looks up at me again.

He stares back at me without a word and the silence between us is long enough to scratch at me. I exhale softly, disturbing the quiet that's settled over us.

"I never use Skype anymore," I mumble, distracting him before I'm even aware of what I'm doing. "My mom set this account up for me back when she had me Skype my grandparents."

Danny shifts in his chair, his gaze leaving his screen again. There's a second of silence before he speaks, his voice shaky on the one word. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," I reply, leaning back in my chair with a sigh. "And you know grandparents, they go on  _forever_ about stuff. And they barely know how to work technology so it was painful as fuck."

He exhales out a quiet laugh, shaking his head before he looks at me again. "Yeah, my… grandparents were the same way. One Christmas, I had to explain my phone to my grandfather just so he could call my parents while they were out. He acted like it was the second coming or something."

I snort, scratching at the stubble patches I missed when I shaved yesterday. "Yeah, grandparents are… man, it's weird to think about like… how at one point, the technology they're used to was considered modern. And that next generation is gonna think our phones and shit is primitive compared to what they're using."

Danny laughs, nodding. "Yeah, definitely. Then again, who's to say that next generation will be human?" he asks, his lips twisting into a smirk that has no right to make my heart flutter over a damn Skype call. "Who knows, maybe  _robots_  will be populating the earth."

"I seriously doubt that," I dead-pan, trying to keep my heart under control. It's almost impossible with the grin he's giving me but I manage to stop myself from blushing like a fucking idiot.

He leans back in his chair, his eyes falling closed with the small breath that escapes him. "Yeah… I only ever really used Skype with Tucker, really. I mean… I used to be on here all the time when my sister and I would Skype with our uncle as kids. And I can promise I had a better username back then," he says with a dry laugh.

Danny opens his eyes and looks back at me. There's something about the expression on his face that makes me think this is about more than just his username. I make it as casual as possible as I force a smile onto my face. "Yeah? You guys don't Skype anymore?"

His expression loses all semblance of lightness to it and he pushes out a breath. "No. We don't."

I chew on the inside of my lip, trying to read the situation. I've fucked up in the past cause I let my curiosity control the situation but I'm so fucking past that. I can be stubborn as fuck when I need to be but I don't have to try to get answers from him every conversation.

"Is it… okay for me to ask why not?"

Danny exhales out a quiet breath but a smile tugs at one corner of his mouth. "Yeah… it's okay," he mumbles. It's hard to tell over a webcam but I think he's blushing.  _What the fuck, Fenton? I'm usually the flushed mess in this friendship._

"To be honest with you… I don't really know why we don't anymore. My parents put a stop to it when I was fifteen. They… never told us why, we just weren't allowed to talk to him anymore," he says, as he pushes his hair away from his face, his eyes falling closed as he tightens his hand around strands of his hair. "I was pretty close with him too – closer than my sister ever was – and now… my parents refuse to talk about him. Last time… that Jazz and I brought him up at dinner…"

He breathes out, his eyes falling closed. "We heard our parents screaming at each other that night. You know… the kind of arguing and screaming that goes on for  _hours_." His voice shakes as he talks and I bite down hard enough to draw blood on the inside of my lip, trying to keep myself from whispering words of comfort to him.  _You can do this, Danny. It's okay, you can be honest with me._

Danny slowly opens his eyes, releasing the death grip on his hair. "We've… vowed not to bring him up again cause that was… horrible," he mumbles softly, his gaze dropping from his screen.

I don't know what to say but something is better than nothing. A shitty apology isn't gonna help him right now and I don't feel like forcing one out anyway. It'd lose its sincerity somewhere between the open air and his ears.

"Parents," I say, shrugging when he looks up again. That one simple word cracks a smile on his face and he lets out a laugh. It's not as carefree as his laugh normally is but right now, I'll take what I can get. Even if that means it makes me blush like a fucking idiot.

I drop my stare from the computer, my gaze landing on my homework. The past two days have been brutal without his help. If my teacher could get away with it, I'm sure he'd let me know how much of an idiot I am at this subject. Shit, I really need Danny's help getting through this. "You uh… coming to school tomorrow?"

I glance up at the wrong moment and the breath catches in my throat as Danny sinks his teeth into his bottom lip. It's hard to see clearly over Skype but I just barely make out the flash of white against his lip and it fucking kills me.

"Not sure yet… I'm gonna talk to my dad when he gets home," he mumbles with a shrug.

I lean my elbow on my desk again. "Yeah? Why'd you skip anyway?" I ask as bravery sparks alive in my chest and falls out of my open mouth. "I m-missed you these past couple days."

Danny's smile looks genuine but his expression doesn't lighten at all. "I know. I'm sorry, I promise I'll help you with your homework soon. It's just… been pretty hard for me these past few days," he mumbles, his voice hardly above a whisper as he talks. He chews on his bottom lip in the silence, completely destroying my attempt at caging the butterflies up again.

"I've just… had really bad anxiety," he says in one breath, his gaze darting away from me before it returns almost immediately. He draws in a breath, shaking his head. "I tried to kinda… tough it out but my dad told me to stay home. I'm… doing better today but it's still hard. But t-to answer your question, I'm  _planning_ on coming in tomorrow. I just… don't know yet."

A breath leaves me in the silence and I slowly nod. I don't know if he wants to be distracted or not but if there's one thing I'm good at, it's pushing all of the fucked-up shit out of my mind long enough to find breathing room.

I don't want to bring up any of the shit I'm dealing with to distract him so I talk about anything other than our shit. I tell him a little more about the colleges looking into me and he comments a couple of times about the bigger names. It takes a long-ass moral debate on my part but I eventually tell him about Keith's crush on Kwan and if  _I_ was surprised by it, Danny's shocked.

We talk about his sister for a while and he tells me about what his life was like growing up. We talk about how the holiday season is upon us and Danny bemoans holiday shopping with his sister. Somewhere along the way, I find the balls to bring up his birthday and I ask if it's okay to plan something the way he did for me. It takes a few thousand  _'please's_ but he says okay. And it reminds me that I only have a little under two weeks to figure out what the fuck I'm doing for him. No pressure like wanting him to fall in love with me, right?

* * *

Danny and I are on Skype for hours and he only logs off when his parents call him for dinner. As soon as his image isn't on my screen anymore, I realize how late it actually is and I leave my room to eat something too.

Things are still really weird between dad and I but I talk myself into sending him a text to ask if he'll be home for dinner. He responds almost immediately, saying he's working late but that there's some lasagna in the fridge leftover from what he made last night.

I practically have a heart attack when he sends me another text with the words  _"I love you"_  at the end. I lean against the counter next to the microwave and it takes me half a fucking year to manage to type out  _'love you too.'_

My hands are trembling too badly to hit the send button and I curse under my breath, pushing my fingers through my hair. Fuck. It should be easy to just respond to his message with the same words he sent me but… I can't. Something's stopping me.  _God, why the fuck can't I just send this stupid fucking message?_

The microwave scares the shit out of me when it finally stops spinning my plate of lasagna and I realize I've been holding my phone in a death-grip. I slowly erase my message before I uncurl my hands from my phone and put it away, talking myself out of staring at my screen any longer. Cause as good as it's been between dad and I lately… he always gives up after a while. I fuck up, he gets angry… it always ends in pain. As much as I want to just have my arms wide open for his affection… I think I have the right to keep my walls up for just a little longer.

* * *

I lie awake late enough to hear dad open the front door before I pass out, my dreams some twisted up version of my childhood where I was happy. Where I didn't know bruises before I knew my own goddamn name.

It's no surprise that my sleep is shit. I barely feel like I've slept when my alarm goes off but I force myself to crawl out of bed. I fumble with my phone but manage to send a text to Danny, even making the effort to be sure what I'm sending is actually intelligible.

**To: Danny**

_**Hey, any idea yet if you're coming in?** _

I only take the time to shower cause the water's warm and outside is cold as fuck. Amity Park is expecting its first snow-fall of the season in a matter of days and my letterman jacket won't cut it today. Which is fucking perfect considering I only have one other jacket that's actually attractive to wear and it's definitely seen better days.

My phone lights up with a new text as I'm leaving the bathroom to get my shit and I only pause to read it once I have my shoes and jacket.

**From: Danny**

_**Yep! Gonna try to suck it up today. can't guarantee that I won't see the nurse at some point :P** _

I scrub the heel of my palm against my eye, letting out a breath as I hear dad downstairs, opening and closing cabinets. Fuck, his text from last night still makes my chest constrict when I think about it. I don't want to have to see him today… not yet anyway. Maybe later I'll be able to stand being in the same room with him and not feel the tension clawing its way up the inside of my throat and spewing like acid at my feet but right now… I definitely can't deal with it.

**To: Danny**

_**You want some coffee?** _

I only pocket my phone long enough to slide on my jacket, an old army style looking thing passed down to me by my grandfather, and put my shoes on. Once I grab my backpack from where I left it beside my desk, I'm good to go.

Danny's response makes me smile and I can only hope his sleep wasn't as shit as mine was.

**From: Danny**

_**Please! :)** _

* * *

Danny's already in the parking lot when I arrive, hanging out on the hood of his car and playing some kind of game on his phone. He barely looks up at me when I approach him and the breath he lets out is a little shaky when I stop next to his car.

I want to ask if he's okay or if he needs me to do anything for him but I don't think that'll help him right now. I can't do anything to fix this shit for him and even if I could… I doubt he wants me to fight his battles for him.

"Move over," I say, climbing up onto his car without waiting for him to respond. He keeps his stare on his phone screen but scoots over enough for me to sit next to him. He loses in his game again and lets out a groan, looking up at me.

The bags under his eyes could rival mine and the surprise I feel is reflected back in his knowing gaze. He offers up a tired smile, his lips twisting into the expression like it's the only one they know.

"I didn't sleep at all," he says, reaching to take one of the coffee cups from me. He downs a few scalding mouthfuls before he looks back at me with a heavy exhale. "I don't think I ever explained really but I'm on a daily anti-anxiety drug as well as an 'as needed' one."

He swallows down another mouthful of coffee, roughly swiping the back of his hand over his mouth when he breaks away from the sip. "I ran out of the second one last week and I forgot to get them filled. And then I overheard that shit my parents were talking about the other night so… these past few days have been fun," he says dryly, looking up at me with a smile that holds more amusement than his first one did.

I push out a breath, dropping my gaze down to my coffee. I barely understand anxiety beyond his trembling and my own. But I don't have to understand everything to be here for him.

"That sucks," I say, swallowing down a gulp of coffee before I meet his gaze again with a shrug. "Guess it's a good thing I offered you coffee then. As far as… the sleep goes."

Danny snorts, nodding. " _Definitely_ ," he says with a wink and my fucking heart  _stops._  Cause he's never winked before and it's doing things to my heart that I have no right to feel.  _Fuck, Danny. I hope you bring flowers to my funeral cause you're gonna be the death of me._

* * *

Biology is boring as always and even though I could doze off, the coffee is starting to kick in so I doodle in my notebook instead. I'm supposed to be taking notes but everything Ms. Anderson says usually goes in one ear and out the other.

"…which brings us to the second point. Using sodium hypochlorite can essentially  _erase_ DNA evidence."

I trace over my rough doodle of a coffee cup again before I realize what the hell the teacher just said. The only thing I remember from last year's finals is the term that my teacher's just throwing around the classroom? Sodium chlorite… as in,  _bleach_?

I slowly look up at Ms. Anderson, blinking once to make sure I actually heard her right. She's drawing something out on the chalkboard and though my hand shakes, I raise it in the air. Ms. Anderson stops mid-sentence before she looks my way with a raised eyebrow. "Yes, Mr. Baxter?"

My throat is dry and I swallow twice before I'm able to speak, distantly aware of everyone's eyes on me. "I just… have a question," I say and she nods for me to continue. "Uhh… the… chlorite. What you said about the chlorite does that… like… would it apply to blood?"

"Yes, exactly," she says, a smile lightening her expression as she glances at the rest of the class. "Dash is correct. If the blood is contaminated with sodium hypochlorite, it can essentially be destroyed." She beams brightly as a couple of brainiacs in the room take notes before her gaze shifts back to me. "Anything else you'd like to ask?"

I think she's relieved that I finally give a shit in her class and I hate to burst her bubble but I'm only asking cause I'm going out of my fucking mind trying to figure out how to help Danny. "No, that was it. Thanks," I mumble, dropping my gaze to my notebook again.

Ms. Anderson waits a beat before she moves back into the rest of the lesson and I wish I could pay her attention but I can't. Cause my mind is running and I think I might be on to something. She might not be able to answer all of my questions about this but I think I know someone who will.

* * *

Kwan is trailing after me as we leave history class together and he's going on about how little success he's had on Grindr lately. I want to listen to him, give him more of my attention but I can't right now. I have something else to handle that's a little more important than my best friend's latest crush.

"Dash, are you even listening to me?" Kwan asks before I have the chance to say anything and I can only exhale in response. I shake my head, glancing at him.

"No, sorry. My mind's everywhere right now… we'll talk about this later, okay? Seriously, I wanna hear what's up with you I just…" I glance toward the clock on the wall and slowly draw in a breath before I look back at him with a shrug. "Sorry, I'm gonna head out. I'll catch you later, okay?"

Kwan catches my arm when I turn to leave. "Hey, wait… Where are you going?"

I let out a breath, only turning back to him when he gives me another insistent tug. "I'm… gonna go see Valerie at work. Tell… Tell Danny for me, huh? I think he wanted to see me over our spare but… just let him know that I can't, okay?"

Kwan gives me a funny look but after a few seconds, he lets go of my sleeve with a small nod. "Okay… text me when you're headed back?"

"Sure," I respond, giving him my best attempt at a smile before I'm headed toward the door. I don't have anyone to turn to about this shit but I have Valerie. Even if she doesn't want to help the phantom, she'll at least help  _me._ At least… I'm hoping with everything I've got in me that she'll still help me.

* * *

Even with a stop at Valerie's favorite Chinese place, I'm parked outside the building her dad gave me the address to when I texted him earlier with still an hour before my next class. The roads started feeling familiar the closer I got to the address and it wasn't until I turned my Mitsubishi into the parking lot that I realized why.

I'm parked in front of the government building those officers took me to after I pulled that stupid fire alarm. After I held Danny's hand in the gym and told him everything was gonna be okay. I can't fucking believe I'm back here but I refuse to let myself think about it. I refuse to think of those pictures those agents took of my parents and how they'd be willing to inflict some serious damage to one or both of them to get me to talk, or what they'd do to-

_No._

I push out a breath, killing the engine before I open my door and grab the bag with Valerie's lunch in it. I don't know what she planned on eating today but now she's having this. Even if she won't help me, I'll still leave it for her. If she  _lets_ me leave.

The glass door I tug open feels cool beneath my hand and I try to push back the bout of nerves I can feel suddenly flooding through me with every step I take toward the receptionist's desk.

A woman with long black hair pinned back in a bun is tapping away at her computer and barely glances up from her screen at me before she holds up one finger. She talks into a headset she's wearing and it only takes her a second before she's finished.

"What can I help you with?" she asks, glancing at the bag in my hand.

I try to give her my best,  _"it's cool, I wasn't one of the people you might have seen dragged in here for doing something stupid_ " smile but I'm not sure how well it works. "Hi, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Valerie Gray?"

The receptionist frowns, typing onto her keyboard for a second before she looks up at me again. "Valerie Gray?" she asks, not waiting for me to say anything before she's talking again. "She's in one of the back offices on the fourth floor but she may have popped out for lunch," she explains, her gaze straying toward the paper bag I'm holding. "I'm gonna need to see what you've got there."

"I just brought her some lunch," I say, handing the bag over for her to take a look. She opens the bag and shifts the containers around before she passes it back to me.

"Alright, elevator is to your left. She's in office 724," she tells me, settling back down at her desk. Her gaze returns to her computer screen and I quickly take my leave.

The nerves are eating me alive now and I'm practically shaking in the elevator ride up to the fourth floor. I try to remember Danny's breathing trick but it's not coming to me and the nerves are starting to claw at me.

_Stop freaking out. You have nothing to be fucking scared of. You're doing this for Danny. He's the one that's got something to lose if this shit goes bad. Chill the fuck out._

I let out a shaky breath as the elevator shutters to a stop and I uneasily step off of it, my stomach convulsing with my every step. I start down the hall, my breath catching at every agent in a white suit I have to pass by. One of the agents looks like he recognizes me but I keep my head down as I pass by him, only glancing up to check the door numbers.

The anxious feeling in my gut has completely wrecked me by the time I make it to Valerie's door, at the end of the hall. The brass numbers hanging on the door are faded – like this place has seen a lot of people come and go from it.

I breathe out a few times, trying to school myself back into some bullshit version of calm before I raise my knuckles to her door and knock softly. There's a few seconds of silence before I hear someone else's voice call out for me to come in.

My breath sticks in my throat as I turn the handle and I try to expel all the nerves out of me as I exhale heavily, swinging the door open in one movement. Valerie's at one end of the office, her gaze locked on her computer screen, a pair of headphones on her ears. She doesn't notice me standing in the doorway so I shift my gaze to the only other person in the room.

The blonde girl that was with Valerie the day the agents were at Casper High is sitting behind a desk, a pencil stub tucked behind one ear. She arches an eyebrow as if to ask me what the hell I'm doing, before she decides to accompany the expression with words. "Can I help you?"

I clear my throat, my gaze straying toward Valerie again. "Uhh…" I glance back to the blonde, holding up the paper bag. "I brought lunch for Valerie."

The girl glances at the paper bag before she twists in her chair to look at Valerie. "Hey, Val, your boyfriend's here with lunch," she calls, completely rendering me a spluttering mess. I try to explain that I'm definitely  _not_ Valerie's boyfriend but she ignores me with a grin, finally chucking a paper ball to get Valerie's attention.

Valerie loops her headphones around her neck, hitting a few keystrokes before she turns to glance at her coworker. "What is it?" she asks before catching sight of me still in the doorway. Her expression brightens and she slides her headphones off, ditching them on the desk. "Hey, what are you doing here?"

She gets up from her chair and takes a few steps toward me, her gaze falling to the paper bag with a grin. "That  _better_ be for me, Baxter."

I force a shitty grin onto my face and hold the bag out toward her. She eagerly takes it and glances down inside with a short laugh. " _Excellent!_ I was planning on raiding the vending machines again in half an hour – I forgot to bring lunch again," she says, glancing toward her coworker at the last statement.

The girl looks between the two of us with a raised eyebrow, a smirk on her face. "So,  _Val_ ," she says, leaning back in her chair. "Who's your friend?"

Valerie rolls her eyes. "This is  _Dash_ , Tiffany," she says with a laugh, looking at me again. "Dash, this is Tiffany, my very  _nosy_ coworker." She crosses over to her desk again, setting the food down. "Thanks for this, I've been wanting it lately."

"I-I got extra… fortune cookies," I mumble, scratching the back of my head with a shrug. Valerie glances back at me with a hesitant expression. I can only imagine what I look like but I feel like I'm gonna be fucking sick.

Tiffany perks up in her chair, clearing her throat to get our attention. "Can you stick around to eat? That way Val has to share with me too."

Valerie balls up a napkin and chucks it at her coworker. "Shut up, you know I share most of what I bring here anyway." She rolls her eyes, folding the bag closed again before she picks it up. Her gaze shifts over to me. "Seriously, you should stick around and have some of this with us."

Shit. I didn't plan on sticking around or hanging out with one of Valerie's coworkers. I didn't even think that she might be with someone else… Fuck, I just wanted to talk to her, get her help, and get my ass back to school. I didn't plan for any of this.

I drag my phone from my pocket, pretending to check over the time as I try to summon what little courage is left in my ragged bones. I remind myself why I'm doing this, why it's  _worth_ this, before I look up at Valerie with a smile. "Sure, okay."

* * *

The three of us leave their tiny office together and Valerie leads us down the hall to where the break room is. Tiffany keeps up steady chatter with Valerie but when we get to the break room, I leave them both at a table. I cross the room over to the vending machines, inserting quarters until my hands stop shaking and I've got a can of soda for each of us.

"Thanks," Tiffany says as she opens the top on the can she takes from me. She gives me a bright smile as she sips from it before lowering it again. "So… if you're not  _Valerie's_ boyfriend… you interested in grabbing some drinks with me later? I get off at seven."

Valerie snorts behind us and I just barely glance at her before she laughs, louder this time. "Dash is eighteen, Tiff," she says, looking my way with a smirk. "And besides – he is with someone, just not me."

"Val," I call softly and she laughs again, beckoning the two of us over to the table.

Tiffany gives me a sly look as she settles down at the table and I practically collapse into my own chair. Nerves are racing through me like this situation is more dire than having lunch with a friend and her coworker. And maybe it feels that way cause I know the conversation that has to follow this or maybe it just feels that way cause I'm in the same building I was questioned in for  _hours_ for the same damn reason I'm here today.

I help Valerie take the containers out of the paper bag and I know my clumsy hands don't go unnoticed. I know Val wants to ask. She wants to know what's gnawing at me but she doesn't say a word. Maybe she thinks I'll bring it up. Maybe she'd ask if we were alone. Fuck, who knows?

As the three of us start eating, the girls settle into easy banter and I try to focus on not throwing up whatever food I'm shoving down my throat. I'm not even tasting it anymore – it's all just mush to me. Valerie glances toward me whenever there's a lull in the conversation, like she's waiting on me to say something, but Tiffany doesn't let the silence invade for too long. Relief courses through me that at the very least, I'm not being forced into keeping up with the conversation. But I know my cotton mouth will dry up and my tongue will tie itself with silence when the time finally comes to talk. So I force words past my trembling lips, hoping they don't die on the table before they reach anyone's ears.

"I'm visiting a college on winter break," I mumble, flicking my gaze up briefly enough to meet Valerie's surprised gaze. Her expression is caught between confusion and disbelief so I offer up a shrug and will my splintered voice to keep going. "Coach… set it up. S'part of a… scholarship thing. They want me on their team."

My words are stilted and lose a lot of their meaning with the shuttered breath I drag in but I force a shitty smile on my face, mumbling the few words sitting on the back of my tongue. "Couple other places are interested too. I'm seeing some of them over winter break and over a couple weekends in January."

"Shit, Dash," Valerie says, scooting her chair closer to me before she lightly punches me in the shoulder. "I'm so proud of you." She's grinning and I'm fucking  _dying_ inside, wondering how proud she'll be of me in a little while. When I have to tell her what I've done and who I've been protecting.

* * *

I answer a few questions that either Tiffany or Valerie have about the college opportunities that have come my way but I only make it through ten minutes before my porcelain tongue cuts my words off and I settle back into silence.

Tiffany picks up on my stilted responses before Valerie does and she turns the conversation to something else. She keeps Valerie talking and I only have to join in once or twice before they're both finished with their lunch and I can breathe again.  _Fuck. Time to get this over with._

"Thanks for coming by, this was fun," Valerie says, gathering up the remnants of our lunch and ditching the containers back into the paper bag before she shoots me a grin. I try to let her expression combat the discomfort settling in my chest but it does little to ease the fear shooting through my veins.

I manage a shaky smile with a hollow laugh, running a hand through my hair with a heavy exhale. "Yeah… much better than… battling the cafeteria at school," I mumble, watching Valerie's hesitation at my own.

Valerie shoots Tiffany a look before her gaze strays to me again, a smile on her face. "Let me walk you out?" she asks, jerking her thumb toward the door. "Just let me grab my jacket from my office."

I watch her go before I force myself up from the table. I pull my own jacket on and pick up the empty paper bag, crossing the room to the trash can. Tiffany leaves the room and I don't know if it's out of some kind of courtesy but it makes my heart race.

Valerie appears in the doorway again, pulling her jacket on, and she gives me a small smile. "Ready to go?" she asks.

_No. I'm nowhere close to ready. I don't want to have this conversation with you. I don't want to ask you what to do. I don't want to have this fucking conversation with you, Val. But I have to. I fucking have to and I don't want you to fucking hate me._

We're silent as we move down the hall toward the elevators together and I couldn't find words even if I wanted to. They're jumbled up and sharp inside my paper heart, threatening to cut anyone that gets too close.

The receptionist greets Valerie when she sees the pair of us but they don't speak for long before Valerie's heading outside with me to my car. She tugs her coat around her tighter, making a face at the wind blowing against us.

"Ugh. Winter's definitely settled in," she says with a heavy sigh. "I swear. The season doesn't switch over until the last few weeks of December but leave it to Amity Park to jump the gun. You know we're expecting snow over the weekend, right?"

A hollow laugh cuts on the way out but I manage a shitty grin that convinces her I'm not as shaky as I really am. "Funny… you used to love this shit when you were a kid."

She rolls her eyes, a short laugh leaving her. "Yeah cause I didn't have to  _drive_ in it." Valerie shakes her head, looking out into the parking lot as we continue toward my car. "Seriously though, I heard the roads might be icy today so be careful heading back, okay?"

It's my turn to roll my eyes as I look at her. "Alright, Val. I've got tires that can take a beating in the snow, alright? You haven't gotten yours changed out in forever," I say, laughing at her expression when we come to a stop beside my car.

"Your  _job_ is working with cars. Of course you'd take care of yours immediately." She glances toward my car before she gives me a bright smile. "Thanks for coming today," she says, hesitating a second before she leans against my car, a guarded expression on her face.  _Fuck, here we go._ "Is… something bothering you though? You seemed kind of… out of it."

Fuck. All of my efforts to keep my tongue from tying itself into knots around the silence ringing in my bones is crumbling around me and I'm almost choking on everything I need to say. Anxiety is clawing at my heart and I try to cough it out with the rough breath I exhale to disturb the glass quiet that's trapped us like caged animals.

"Yeah," is the one word I manage to expel out of me and Valerie seems to recognize the effort it's taking me to hold on. She looks like she wants to reach out and hold me but she doesn't. She stops herself from touching me and I can't decide if her closeness would help or not.

I exhale out again, clawing at the depths of my fucking  _soul_ for a shred of courage. I don't think there's anything left in me but I picture Danny's face the night he told me about all of this. I remember the way the blood ran like a river from him when I cradled his broken body in my arms. I remember the hitch in his voice yesterday when he told me that the government had found evidence against the phantom. That they'd found his  _blood._  And that sparks something in me akin to courage but built on fear and the sheer  _need_  to protect him.

"Val, I gotta… ask you something," I say, steeling myself when my voice breaks. I need to do this. I have to do this. For him. Always for  _him._

I look up at Valerie, knowing that I would help her in the blink of an eye if she needed me. Remembering the way I held her when her mom lost the battle to cancer. I remember feeling Valerie's hands carding through my hair when I told her that my mom had left me behind. I can only beg whatever god is listening that she'll still help me the way I'd help her.

"I know… what the agents have found on the phantom," I say, watching the way Valerie's eyebrows draw down. She hesitates a moment before she pushes away from my car, her arms folding across her chest.  _Shit._

Valerie arches an eyebrow, letting out a soft breath. "You do?"

I swallow down the bile threatening to rise out of my stomach and spew on the pavement between us and manage to nod. "Yeah. I know that the blood you guys have is contaminated. And that… their plan is to find the place phantom came to rest the day they shot him to get… a different sample of blood to test."

She gives me a curious expression when I meet her gaze, her eyebrows slowly drawing down again in the silence. "Right… and you know this…  _how_ exactly?"  _Shit Valerie. I just know it._

I didn't want to drag Danny into this, never wanted to spill his secret to anyone but I think I knew I had to. From the second Valerie's name crossed my mind sitting in the back row of my biology class, I knew.  _I'm gonna have to tell her everything._

"Cause I know the phantom," I say, my voice like a gunshot to those glass walls of silence. They shatter around us and the shards cut into our skin, staining the pavement beneath our feet with red. The sharp edges tear at Valerie's expression, morphing it from shock to sadness, a brief flash of anger mixed in before she utters the one word.

" _Who_?" she questions, completely fucking breaking me. The shards turn inward as they rain down, scratching at my throat and my lungs, preventing me from speaking a goddamn word. I don't want to tell her who it is. I can't breathe with the thought that she'll know.  _Please Valerie. I want to trust you. Please don't make me regret this._

I draw in a breath, turning my gaze to the sky. I wish it was raining. I wish I was in my car on the way back to school. Or the garage. Or to see Danny.  _God I want to fucking see Danny._

"Valerie… I need you… to trust me," I breathe, meeting her gaze for a few seconds before I put a step of distance between us. I need space. Or air. I don't even know if I remember how to breathe or not, I just know that my lungs are desperately begging for oxygen that they can't drag or claw in.

She scoffs, closing that distance between us again. "If you know who it is, why haven't you told anyone? Even if it's just a suspicion, you know that at least  _I'd_ take it seriously and try to figure out if there was any reason why we should consider that person." She hesitates before uncrossing her arms, placing a hand on my arm with a gentle breath. "Why haven't you told me?"

"Cause I'm trying to  _protect_ him," I spit past my broken teeth and shaking lips, watching her expression morph into some cross between horrified and so fucking  _sad_. "Valerie, I have to... stop this. I can't let those agents… find out who he is. They can't… get their hands on him, I can't let-"

Valerie steps away from me, her expression unreadable as she stares up at me, and the last few shards from those glass walls scrape down the veins in my wrists, spilling my fear at her feet. "Valerie…  _please_."

"What have you done?" she asks, shaking her head. Her expression is horrified as she looks up at me and it tears at my sanity, reminding me that she's supposed to be one of my best friends. We're supposed to trust each other and goddamn it, I  _want_ to trust her. "That day we were at school. You pulled the alarm for the phantom, didn't you?"

"Yes," I choke out, begging myself to stay standing and not break right in front of her. "I-I lied to the agents about him. I h-helped him get away. Cause I can't fucking… watch anything happen to him."

She breathes out and looks away from me. I can't calm the shaking this time and I drop my stare to the pavement, chewing on the inside of my lip as I claw at the edges of my sanity. I've spent so much damn time always knowing that I'd never tell anyone his secret – fuck I was so  _pissed_ at his friend Tucker for assuming I'd tell a fucking soul and… here I am. Choking over words that have to come out one way or another.

"Valerie… he's just a kid," I say, looking up at her. She won't look at me again and I don't know how to make her see this my way. I don't know why she's even against the phantom in the first place. He hasn't done  _anything_ to anyone. So he stole some shit but he put it back. Or maybe he didn't, I don't fucking know. Why does that petty shit warrant…  _this_? Why did it mean that he had to be fucking  _shot_?

"He's  _our_ age," I try again before she looks back at me. I can feel tears pricking the corners of my eyes but I try to hang on as hard as I can to stop myself from breaking the fuck apart. "Valerie, he's… he's not the monster you think he is."

She lets out a breath, her eyes falling closed for a few seconds before she opens them again and all that bullshit from earlier is gone. She's not guarded or hesitant or asking for the agents. She's just my friend in this moment and that unbridled honesty is shining in her eyes as she asks again. "Dash… who is he?"

" _Danny_ ," I breathe his name easier than I do air and I see the recognition tick in Valerie's face. She knows why I can't let the agents have him. She knows that I'm so fucking wrapped around him that he could commit  _murder_ and I'd still be by his side. But he hasn't done anything worthy of all of this shit. He's innocent. He's fucking innocent and even if he wasn't, I still couldn't tear myself away from the position I've put myself in. I'm protecting him now – despite  _everything_ , I'm protecting him.

Valerie draws in a breath that she slowly exhales out and I can't tell if she's on my side or not. I can't let her walk away from me and tell those agents everything. I have to convince her before she can slip away from me and ruin all my efforts to protect him.

I open up the backdoor of my Mitsubishi with shaky hands and step back, meeting Valerie's curious stare. "Lift the sheet," I say, holding her gaze for as long as she'll let me. After a few seconds, she darts a look toward the sheet and raises an eyebrow. "Trust me, Valerie. Just take a look."

She hesitates for a few seconds longer before she lets out a breath and steps closer to my car. She pinches the edge of the sheet between her index finger and thumb and inhales before she lifts it. I don't know if she freezes the way I do when I see that blood stain again but the noise that leaves her is close to the ones I keep trapped inside my heart when I remember that day.

"I held him in my arms while he almost bled out," I say, my voice barely above a whisper as I speak. The memory of that day drags feelings up inside of me that I thought I'd buried. I never want to feel that afraid again but standing in the parking lot with Valerie, I know fear like I know my own name. "He was dying, Valerie. He… wouldn't have made it if I hadn't shown up."

Valerie steps back from my car, her gaze lingering on the backseat even though the sheet has fallen over the stain again. She lets out a sigh but won't look at me. She hasn't said a word since I spoke Danny's name and fear is ricocheting inside my failing lungs.

"He… told me that he's gonna stop this. All of it. You never… have to worry about any more shit from the phantom again," I mumble, hoping that some of what I've said penetrates through whatever the fuck these agents have taught her. I'm not some random person looking for a favor. I'm a friend.  _Begging_ another friend to help me.

She finally meets my gaze again and the look on her face makes me lose a breath. She looks just as scared as I feel but it's mixed with enough hurt to stir the guilt sitting comfortably in my gut.  _I'm sorry, Valerie. I'm so sorry._

"Please…" I whisper, taking her hand in my own, practically melting when she doesn't pull away from me. "I need you… to get rid of that… evidence. Th-The blood a-and whatever else they managed to get. Valerie, I don't have… I can't do it. Please, I… I  _need_ you, Val."

Valerie's eyes are filled with tears as she stares back at me and she still hasn't said a word. The ground is starting to shake beneath me as I picture her ripping her hand away from my own. Marching back into the government office and telling the agents she works for everything. I can see them showing up at Danny's house, dragging him out, doing more damage to him than he can handle, I can't deal with him being hurt, I can't fucking-

Her hand drops from mine and shatters the moment, a pained gasp leaving me. I can only stare back at her, brokenly uttering the one word my mouth remembers how to speak.  _"Please."_

She suddenly drags me into her arms, a quiet ' _fuck'_  mumbled under her breath and I can't stop from breaking. I tremble in her arms like I'm the one that's in danger, not Danny. But it's just my tangled-up heart that's in trouble. Cause I want him more than I ever thought I would. And I need him to be okay. I don't know how to be if he's not.

I know my weathered, beaten soul will never deserve his – not because he's made of starlight while I'm barely more than a blade of grass. But because he deserves to be with someone that can lift a match to the fireworks in his eyes and not burn to pieces in his light.

Danny deserves more than I'll ever be but knowing that I'll never get to hold his hand and call him mine isn't gonna stop me from protecting him. Even though he'll never lie in my arms and compare my eyes to the constellations in the sky above us, I'll protect him with everything I've got in me. Cause despite his starlight and my burnt out soul, I love him. More than any metaphor that I could ever come up with. And that's it. That's  _enough._

* * *

Valerie pulls away from me when my phone starts ringing. I only tug the stupid thing from my pocket to silence it but I make a face at the missed texts and the call from Kwan I'm currently ignoring.

"You should probably head back, huh?" Valerie asks, meeting my gaze when I lift mine back to her face. I think a thousand words are spoken in the one look we give each other.

I hate that the breath I draw in is shaky but I can't do anything to disguise it. And even if I could, it's not like she'd believe it for a second. She knows how scared I am. She knows that the thought of anything happening to Danny tears at me like it's my own life on the line. She knows I'm in way too deep with a boy I don't even have the right to call mine.

"Yeah," I mumble, running a hand through my hair as I try to think of what else to say. I don't know how to ask her if this is too much. I don't know how to question if she's on my side or not. If I've made a mistake and she tells the agents everything… then I just made this shit worse.

Valerie lets out a breath, putting a hand on my arm with the sound. "Drive carefully, okay?"

Shit, she makes this so simple. Like I could just give her a shitty grin, get in my car, and drive away. But it's not that simple. It'll never be that simple. Because all of this is for Danny. Because I'm willing to risk my friendship – I'm willing to risk  _everything_ for him.

"I will," I promise, grabbing her hand in mine before she has the chance to completely pull away from me. She hesitates a moment before meeting my gaze and I hope she hasn't changed her mind. I hope that she hasn't already reconsidered all of this. I need to know that she's still gonna help me. "Val, can I… Can I count on you?"

Valerie looks away from me and my stomach drops with the noise that leaves her. She slowly shakes her head as she looks back at me, offering up a small shrug as a response. "Dash… I don't know why he's doing these things and right now… I don't really trust him." She squeezes my hand in hers, swiping her thumb over the back of my hand. "But I trust  _you._  And if this is important enough for you to show up here… then it's important. You know you can always count on me."

Relief courses through me and I can't stop myself from pulling her into another hug. She breathes out in my embrace and I mold her against my chest until I can rest my chin on top of her head, letting out a shaky noise. "Thank you," I breathe, feeling her quiet breath rather than hearing it.

She rubs my back a few times before she pulls away, offering up a small smile with the action. I'm quick to return it before we put distance between us and I dig my car keys from my pocket. I fiddle with my backpack, moving it from the passenger seat to the floor to give myself something to do, before I look back at Valerie. "Text me when you get home?" I ask and she nods, taking a step back from my car.

"You too. And when you get to school," she says, folding her arms over her chest to lock in body heat. She offers up another smile before I turn to my car, climbing inside and slamming the car door shut. I start the engine and get the heat running before I hear her call my name.

Valerie comes up to the window and waits while I roll it down. She darts her gaze to the backseat before she lets out a breath. "When did that happen?" she asks, slowly glancing toward it again with a nod. "The bloodstain."

I exhale out, my gaze dropping from hers. "A couple days before Thanksgiving."

Valerie whistles softly, her gaze on me when I look up at her again. "Try some bleach on it. It might fade the color of your seats but it should take out the bloodstain at least a little," she says, meeting my gaze again with a quirk of her lips. "Wouldn't want you to get pulled over or anything and have to explain  _that_ ," she says with a snicker that's so her, I lose my breath for a second. Cause she sounds like my friend again and I'm not scared anymore. She's gonna help me with this. Cause she trusts me. She trusts me enough to go against what she's been going after for  _months_.

I disturb the quiet I let us settle into with a heavy exhale, followed by a short laugh that relives the tension ringing in my bones. "Thanks, Valerie. For all of this." I roll up my window again when she nods and steps away from my car. She watches me pull out of the space and waves as I leave the parking lot.

My stomach's in my throat and my heart's on the fucking ground but I tell myself it'll be okay. With every mile I drive further away from her, I promise myself that everything's gonna work out. Cause Valerie trusts me enough to do this so… I can trust her too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy. The angst is really hitting Dash from all sides now, huh? ;p
> 
> Yoooo! Thanks for checking out this update, it means a lot to me. Hard to believe I haven't updated this story since last YEAR! … no it's not too late for that joke, shush
> 
> So Dash here has gotten himself into a sticky situation. If he trusts Valerie, there's a chance that the evidence the government has on Danny will be destroyed. But by telling Valerie the truth, he's gone behind Danny's back… but if it's for a good reason, Danny will understand, right? ;p Also how convenient was it to have Dash hear something that would help in this situation in his Biology class lmao
> 
> I'd love to know what you guys think of the choice he made here. Also can we talk about how I tortured Dash with that Skype call? Poor boy just wants to be near Danny all the time but I won't let him be
> 
> What do you think of Dash's father being nicer to him? Almost supportive in a sense? Do you think it's a genuine effort or is it just a waiting game until things get bad again in your mind? I'd love to know what you're thinking about that
> 
> The inspiration behind this chapter's title is Fall Out Boy's "From Now We Are On Enemies." The song is killer but the line really did me in when I was thinking about this update's title. There's a lot more in this song that I could use for future chapter titles but I felt that this line really fit this one
> 
> Anyway, thanks so much for checking out this update! I really appreciate you guys coming back every time and letting me know what you think. As always, you can leave a review here letting me know your thoughts or you can hit me up on tumblr
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this update and I'll see you for the next one!


	64. Every Desperate Move I Make

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: On screen fire, talk of fire, an arrest is made, talk of suicide, and talk of abuse

The easy part is over. I thought talking to Valerie would be harder than it was. But I know that what I have to do now is even worse. It tears at me just to think about but I know it’s the only way to keep him safe. _I have to keep him safe._

My hands shake when I stop at the gas station a couple miles down the road from Valerie’s office and fill up my car. Everything in me trembles and threatens to break when I fill up the empty gas can I’ve had in my trunk forever. I don’t remember when or why I started keeping it in my car but I know it wasn’t for this reason. I wouldn’t have done this back then. I wouldn’t have even _thought_ this back then but I’m here now and I know it’s for him. It’s _all_ for him.

I take the receipt that the machine spits at me when I finish paying for the gas and then I’m climbing back in my car. With my heart hammering in my chest and the gas can wedged between my backseats, I pull out of the parking lot and start down the road – knowing what I have to do despite it fucking _clawing_ at me. _I have to save him. I fucking have to save him._

 

* * *

 

 

Growing up as the sheriff’s son has always worked in my favor. I’ve gotten out of trouble before because the officers know my dad. When I was caught drinking with a couple of my friends in our freshman year, two officers dropped us off on my doorstep, expecting my dad to handle it. We live in a small-town. And officers have always joked with me that I could get away with murder because of who my father is. I don’t know about murder. But I know I can get away with a fire.

I park my car in the clearing at the outlook and I shed my jacket, leaving it on the passenger seat of my Mitsubishi but I take the gas can with me. My heart is pounding in my chest with every step I take but with every breath I drag in, I tell myself why I’m doing this. That if I _don’t_ do this, something’s gonna happen. Those agents will find this place and they’ll know the truth and I’ll lose any hope of protecting someone I’ve tried so fucking hard to save.

My hands are ice cold as I make my way into the woods where I found Danny. Where he called me from, barely breathing and trying to so fucking hard to hold on. This happened because of what those people did to him. I wouldn’t be doing this if they hadn’t driven me to this.

I think that I feel it in my chest when I get closer to the area I found him in but it takes me a few minutes more to see the place I picked him up from. A dark patch of grass is surrounding a tree and when the bile rises in the back of my throat, I know it’s not dirt. Danny’s blood has soaked into the ground and if I ever want to keep this safe from those agents, I have to _burn_ it.

Every part of me is cold as I untwist the cap off the gas can and pour it on the ground and up against the tree Danny’s body was sagged against when I found him. I don’t know if it’s the fumes or the fear in the back of my throat but something chokes me and I drop the gas can on the grass behind me.

My hands are shaking as I try to light a match, my breathing ragged and strained. I wish there was another way. I don’t want to be labeled a fucking arsonist but here I am. I’m doing this. And as the flame I toss ignites the gasoline saturating the ground, I lose my breath just a little.

The smoke I inhale _burns_ and I know I’ll taste it on my tongue for the rest of my life, reminding me what I’ve done and how far I’m willing to go for him. He didn’t ask me to do this. He didn’t ask me to do any of this and maybe I should have talked to him first but I couldn’t do nothing. I couldn’t sit in the back of my classes and do _nothing_ while those agents are out there somewhere, searching for a place just like this. This might be the opposite of how Danny wants to handle this but I’ve done it now. It’s too late to take it back and I think that’s what’s scaring me. _There’s no undoing this._

 

* * *

 

When the smoke has risen so high in the air that I can see it from where I’ve left my car, I leave. I hide the gas can in the trunk of my car and I start down the main road again, my heart pounding in my chest. With every car that passes by me, I’m scared that it shows on my face. That what I’ve done is written on my face and that soon, the whole fucking _town_ will know it. _I’m a fucking arsonist._

I pull my car into the first parking lot I can find, the guilt gnawing at me. I don’t know what’s past those woods. Somebody’s _home_ could be there and I can’t think straight while I’m wondering if I just lit someone’s back yard on fire.

Even though it makes my hands tremble worse, I dial the number for the police. I tell the operator what street I’m driving down and that I saw smoke rising from the trees. She asks for a few details but when she asks me to stay on the line while she contacts the station, I hang up. I don’t want to leave my name for follow up questions and I don’t want anyone connecting this back to me. I’ve called the police and they’ll alert the fire station and that’ll be enough. They’ll put the fire out and no one will get hurt. _God, please don’t hurt anyone._

 

* * *

 

I can’t focus after the phone call. I drive down back roads and empty streets, waiting to hear those sirens until I finally decide that getting the fuck out of here is the best choice right now. I don’t want anyone seeing my car and somehow tracing this fire back to me.

There’s only half an hour left of my algebra class when I get back to school but I take my time pulling into a parking space, trying to keep my heart from racing. I’ve gotten a handful of texts from Kwan while I was driving but when Danny’s name lights up my phone, I turn my engine off and open his message.

**From: Danny**

**_Hey, are you okay? Kwan said you were going to see Valerie…?_ **

A breath leaves me as I sit back in my seat, reading over his words again and again until they sink in. Until I remember how tightly Valerie held on to me while I tried not to break the fuck apart. How the smoke burned the back of my throat and how I committed a _crime_ for him.

**To: Danny**

**_Yeah, I’m fine. Just got back to school actually. Running a little late, I guess_ **

I leave the comfort of my car, grabbing my backpack before I start for the front doors, my footsteps the only sound in the parking lot. There’s still a handful of texts from Kwan that I haven’t read over but they all say similar things. Asking if I’m okay or what’s going on or if I need him. I don’t need him. Or anyone. I just need to know that Danny’s okay. And as long as Valerie comes through with this and as long as no one gets hurt from the fire… everything’ll be okay.

Danny’s down the hall when I step inside the school and he looks up when the door closes behind me. For a moment, we just stare at each other before he starts down the hallway toward me. I let out a breath before I start forward.

We meet in the middle, only inches from each other, and he looks up at me, so many questions in his eyes that tug at the thinly veiled sense of calm I’ve slipped myself into. _Shit, don’t look at me like that, Fenton._

“Are you okay?” he asks, like the answer is simple. It is. Cause I should be. I’m fine. As long as nothing fucks this up and I didn’t just make the two biggest mistakes of my fucking life, everything’s fine _._

I push out a breath, flicking my gaze up to the ceiling when he bites his lip. I don’t want to relax into his adorable mannerisms and let them distract me. I’m so fucking terrified that this isn’t gonna work out the way I’ve planned it in my head. I trust Valerie. And there’s no reason why anyone would think that _I’m_ the one who started the fire. Everything’s fine. It should all be _fine_.

“Yeah,” I say, my voice stilted to my own ears. I don’t know if he thinks I’m lying or if this has anything to do with my shit but his concern comes in his knuckles brushing along my cheekbone and jolting me back to this moment. To reality.

Danny’s face slowly flushes when I meet his gaze again and I want to tell him that there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I don’t mind if he touches me. Fuck, I actually _like_ it when he touches me. God, why can’t this be the time to tell him this shit? Why couldn’t I be inwardly freaking out cause I’m about to tell him that I love him instead of… _this_.

He wrinkles his nose, tilting his head to one side. “Did you go to the garage? You smell like gasoline.”

_Fuck_. He can smell it on me. Everyone here probably can. If I go into a classroom smelling like this, all it’ll take is a simple question from the police for everyone to point me out. And I’ll go down for this. No matter who my dad is, I’ll get taken in for this and then everything will fall apart.

“I talked to Valerie,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper on the words. This isn’t the kind of shit to talk about in the middle of the goddamn school hallway but it’s not like I have a choice anymore. I have to get this out before it destroys me. “I asked her… to steal whatever evidence they have against the phantom.”

Danny’s eyes widen and a breath leaves him as he steps back. “ _What_?” he breathes.

I let out a breath, shifting my gaze past him. I stare at the ugly green lockers so I don’t have to see the look on his face. He’s scared. Worse than I am. Cause while I’m doubting the trust I’ve put in one of my best friend’s, Danny doesn’t even know her.

“It’s… the only thing I could think of,” I say, looking back at him after only a few seconds of silence. I exhale as he holds my gaze, slowly shaking his head. “I’m sorry if that’s not... what you wanted me to do. But I… had to do something.”

Danny exhales out, his breath shaky but he meets my gaze. “Shit,” he mumbles, adjusting the way the straps of his backpack are sitting on his shoulders before he looks up at me again. “What did she… um, did she like… agree or something?”

“Yeah, she did.” I should probably mention that I had to tell her who the phantom is or at least tell him how the conversation went, even if I leave that part out. But I need to get out of here before anyone catches the scent I’m carrying around like my own guilt.

I let out a heavy breath. “Sorry I missed our spare,” I say, flashing him a quick smile that has him biting his lip in response and stirring those butterflies in my gut. “I gotta head out. I’ll see you later, okay?”

Danny exhales out, slowly shaking his head. “Probably not…” He nods toward the front doors. “My dad’s coming to pick me up,” he mumbles, taking a step back from me. “Sorry, I’ll… text you or something, okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” I respond, hesitating only a second before I catch the sleeve of his hoodie in my hand. He almost stumbles into me but I keep him upright, our breath mingling together in one shared exhale. _Ho…ly shit._

My voice cracks with the words I manage to cough out but I congratulate myself on being able to speak at all. “Y-You… you’re okay though… right?”

He holds my gaze for a moment longer before we both realize how close we’re still standing and I let go of him. He takes a step backward, mumbling incoherently before he shrugs. “Kinda… at least, I’ll be okay, I know that. It’s just… hard right now,” he says, as his phone vibrates softly. “Ahh… looks like he’s here.”

Danny looks up at me again after checking over the screen. “Yeah, that’s him… I gotta go but I’ll text you,” he says, a small smile cracking his serious expression. He hesitates for a second longer before his eyebrows draw down. “Where are you going?”

I shrug, shoving my hands into my pockets. “I’ve already skipped half the day. Might as well get the full experience of playing hooky,” I say with a grin, nodding toward the front door. “Can I walk you out?”

He hesitates at first but he nods, falling into step beside me. I hold the front door open for him and follow him out. His dad’s car is idling at the sidewalk, an ugly old white van with a faded logo I don’t recognize on one side.

Danny blows out a breath, coming to a stop several paces from it. I want to hug him before he goes but I don’t want to get the scent of what I’ve done all over him. And his dad rolls down the passenger window before I get the chance to make up my mind.

“Dash, hey,” Jack calls, giving me a wave from the driver’s seat. He shifts his gaze over to Danny, smiling brightly. “Ready to go, kiddo?”

Danny nods. “Yeah,” he responds, turning back to look at me. “So… I’ll uh… call you later, okay? If you’re not busy,” he adds in a rush, exhaling out heavily in the silence. He barely gives me more than a few seconds to respond before he turns away. He leaves me with the memory of his smile and the barest touch of his shoulder against my chest as he brushes by me. _Shit, he’s gotta know what he’s doing to me, right?_

I wait in the parking lot until Danny’s dad has disappeared from the lot, wondering when the hell Danny’s gonna be up for driving himself again. I don’t know what’s eating at him right now but I think I might have made it worse. I’ve added more shit for him to think about and I didn’t even consider that. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop fucking things up but I have to find a way to stop fucking things up for Danny. He deserves better than that. Better than _me._

 

* * *

 

I don’t think I even know where I’m going when I leave the school until I’m there. When I’m turning onto the road that’ll take me straight to the garage, I know where I need to be. If someone comes looking for me, wondering why the scent of gasoline is clinging to my skin, being at the garage is a good enough excuse. And it’s not like anyone here will catch the scent on me. It’s the fucking perfect alibi and I hate myself for dragging anyone else into this.

Alex is working on the Mustang when I get out of my car. He’s leaning over the engine, sweat sticking his hair to his forehead despite the chill in the air outside. I wonder how long he’s been working today. I wonder if he’ll hear about what I did and wonder who’s responsible. I wonder if my name will even cross his mind.

“Playing hooky, squirt?” Anastasia calls from the bay she’s working in when I step inside the garage. Alex straightens up from his car, stretching his back before he turns to look at me, a curious expression on his face.

I shuffle further into the garage with a shrug. “Didn’t feel like sitting through the bullshit today,” I say, shifting my gaze from Anastasia to Alex. “You mind if I hang out here for a while?”

Alex glances toward Anastasia before he nods. “Sure. You want to work on a car or you just want to hang out?” he asks and even though working would probably help me, I don’t know if my shaky hands can pick up any tools. I don’t know if I have the strength to work and I don’t want anyone here to ask any questions. I know I’ll crumble under the weight of anything they want to know.

I shrug, crossing over to the bay that Alex is standing in. “I just want to hang out,” I tell him, leaning against the side of his car as I let out a breath. “How’s the engine coming along?”

It’s an empty question. And I think Alex knows that I’m only asking it so I don’t have to think for a while. But he effortlessly talks about the car and what parts he’s still missing and what’s he ordered and it all works to distract me. His talk of tools and car parts works to ease the anxiety that’s been curling in my gut. Until a cop car pulls into the parking lot and the sight sends me crashing back down to reality.

“What the fuck?” Anastasia says softly and when I manage to lift my stare up to Alex’s face, he’s turned to look out into the parking lot. When he sees the police car, his posture stiffens just a little and I wonder if he thinks it’s my dad. I wonder if Alex thinks he’s here for me. _I wonder if I’ll have the strength to tell him he’s right._

Alex tsks softly under his breath and ditches his wrench back into his tool box. “The hell are they doing here?” he mumbles more to himself than anyone else but I take it like it’s directed at me. Like he knows the truth and he’s waiting for me to confess.

“They’re here for me,” I whisper, my voice soft on the few words and only intended for Alex to hear.

He turns back to look at me, his eyebrows drawing down in confusion. He starts to ask me why – or maybe he asks if it’s my dad, I don’t know. I know that I can’t answer any questions he has. Cause I’ll crumble and he’ll see it and those officers will get all the proof they need from the fear in my eyes. If I leave the garage, I know the truth will spill from me like a fucking river.

“Lie for me,” I breathe, hating the look on Alex’s face and how small my voice sounds in my ears. “Tell them I’ve been at the garage for hours. That I left school earlier and that I’ve been _here_. Please… don’t let them drag me down to the station.”

Alex is still looking at me like he’s trying to figure out what the hell I’ve gotten myself into but the officers are approaching the garage now. He leaves me standing by his car and the nerves are racing up and down my veins, reminding me that I did something illegal and that the offices are just doing their fucking _job_.

“What’s going on, Chuck?” Alex calls out to my dad’s partner who’s coming up the walk now. For a heart stopping second, I think my dad’s with him. But when I look up, Chuck’s coming up the walk with an officer I don’t recognize. I don’t understand why he’s working with someone else right now but I don’t think I care. They’re here for me and nothing I can do can make this go away now. _I fucked up so fucking badly._

Chuck lets out a breath, shoving his car keys into his pocket before he nods behind Alex, toward me. “Just need to ask Dash a couple of questions,” he says, stopping a few paces in front of Alex. The two share a look that I don’t entirely understand but I’m distracted when the other officer steps away from them and starts for me instead.

My heart is bouncing around inside my ribcage like it’s on a fucking bungee cord and I can’t do anything to stop it. No amount of careful breaths or soothing words can fix this. I fucked up. I fucking fucked up.

“Dash, I’m officer Hartwood, I’ve been told you know officer Dower,” he says nodding toward Chuck before he looks at me again. “I just need to ask you some questions about your whereabouts today. You left school just after 11am, can you tell me where you went?”

I swallow hard, breathing out slowly before I nod. “I… brought lunch to a friend,” I say, the clarity of my voice surprising me. I thought I’d surely be a pathetic shaking mess with the first words I needed to speak but I’m not.

He raises an eyebrow. “Got anybody that can confirm that for you?”

“Excuse me officer, but what exactly is this about?” Alex asks, leaving Chuck where he stands and crossing over to me again. He gives the officer a once over before he folds his arms over his chest. “What do you want with him?”

Officer Hartwood shoots Alex an annoyed look. “Someone started a fire in the woods off route 46,” he says, nodding toward me. “We got an anonymous phone call from someone driving by and we decided to trace the number. You want to tell me what you were doing that far out?” he asks, looking at me again.

Alex glances between the two of us like he doesn’t understand what’s going on. “Wait – hang on. You’re here because he called in about something he _saw_ happening?” he asks, scoffing as he shakes his head. “I asked him to run an errand for me on his way here earlier. He saw it as he was passing by.”

“Yeah,” I swallow hard when the officer looks back at me but my voice stays strong. “He needed some gas to test out the engine,” I mumble, leaning back far enough to put my hand on the hood of his Mustang.

Officer Hartwood looks past me before he narrows his eyes, shifting his gaze back to me. “So why did you hang up before we could get your name? Why didn’t you stay on the line and give us more information?”

“Probably cause of shit like this,” Alex responds, matching the officer’s glare with his own. “He did a good thing and you’re coming for him because of it? What – do you _honestly_ think Dash had anything to do with that?”

Hartwood’s cheeks are stained red as he blows out a breath. “We’re just doing our jobs, Moreno. If you’ve got a problem with that, you should have enrolled in the academy.”

“Fuck you,” Alex spits and his words feel too harsh and biting to just be for me now. He moves closer to the officer and from where I’m standing, I can see the officer put his hand on his taser, like he’ll bring Alex down if he needs to. But he’s doing this for me and I can’t watch that happen.

I meet Alex where he’s standing, his whole frame shaking from the anger and I know that feeling. I know it well and I know that it’s so fucking hard to ignore. “Alex, come on. He’s just asking me some questions,” I say, trying to deescalate the situation before it gets any worse. But I make the mistake of putting my hand on the officer at the same time I put my other one on Alex. And Hartwood has my arm pinned behind my back, my chest flush with Alex’s Mustang before I even have time to blink.

Hartwood starts reading me my rights and in the distant part of my mind, I can hear Alex talking over him but it’s white noise to me. My ears are ringing and I taste the smoke on the back of my tongue. I remember the warmth from the fire I started and it tears at me like a jagged, rusty knife.

“Are you seriously gonna let this happen? _Again_ , Chuck?” Alex is demanding and I can’t see him or Chuck from where I am but I hear the tone of anger in Alex’s voice.

The officer is still talking to me but I don’t catch anything he’s saying. He’s shifted me against the Mustang as he frees up one hand to get his handcuffs and I can see Alex now. He’s standing in front of Chuck, his arms folded tightly over his chest, the two of them locked in a stare to the death.

“You have a chance to do the right thing, Chuck. You gonna let it slip away again?”

Chuck closes his eyes, shaking his head a little like he can’t make up his mind. I don’t get a chance to hear his response before officer Hartwood drags me up from the car and starts guiding me toward the exit. My breath catches in my throat as I stumble past Alex, the look on his face some mix between confusion and shock. _I’m sorry, Alex. I’m so fucking sorry._

“Hartwood,” Chuck calls softly, turning just a little before he exhales out. “Let him go. He didn’t do anything.”

The officer hesitates for a second before he scoffs, tightening his hold on my upper arms. “Really? You want me to just let him go because you’re having some kind of moral debate with someone you don’t even know anymore?”

“That’s _Howard’s_ boy. He didn’t do anything.” Chuck turns to Hartwood and the two share a glare that’s equal parts stubborn and anger coming from both sides. And it’s not until Alex speaks that the stare is broken.

“You heard him, let Dash go,” he says, his voice almost a challenge to the other officer and both Chuck and I can sense that storm brewing.

Hartwood starts to snap back but Chuck shuts it down, telling the officer to let me go. There’s a second longer before the officer undoes the handcuffs around my wrists and he steps away from me. He doesn’t look back at the three of us before he starts out of the garage, clearly pissed, but Chuck doesn’t seem to care.

He lets out a breath, flicking his gaze back to Alex and I stand beside the two, trying not to shake all over.

“Alex…” Chuck trails off with a heavy sigh, shaking his head again. I don’t know what’s going on between the two of them but seeing Chuck stick up for both me and Alex has me seeing him differently now. _Let whatever this is go, Alex. He just saved me from being fucking arrested._

I don’t know if Chuck reaches for Alex intentionally or if it’s unconscious movement but Alex reacts like he’s been shocked. Every ounce of anger someone can feel drips over his words as he jerks his arm from Chuck.

“Don’t touch me,” he snaps out, practically spitting fire on the few words.

They share a look that I don’t entirely understand and I feel like I’m watching a private moment. But my knees are knocking together too badly for me to make a move and I’m afraid I’ll collapse on the first step I try so I’m rooted in place.

“How long are we going to do this?” Chuck asks, his voice soft on the words despite Alex’s anger. He lets out a low breath, dropping his gaze with a shrug. “When I heard that you and Kendra were talking again, I thought maybe…”

“Who the _fuck_ did you hear that from?” Alex asks but the anger isn’t there this time. Even though it’s still all over his face and in how tightly his arms are crossed over his chest, it doesn’t seep into his tone the way I thought it would. He just sounds confused. Almost scared.

Chuck lifts his stare up to Alex again. “ _Kendra_ told me. I guess she thought that because you two were talking again, there was a chance that we could fix this between us but I guess not.”

Alex scoffs but he doesn’t come back with anything. He shifts his gaze out into the parking lot and lets out a heavy sigh before he nods toward the parking lot. “Your trigger happy friend is waiting on you and I’ve got work to do. So… you should probably get out of here.”

“You know you can’t run from this forever, right? What happened when we were younger… it was horrible, Alex. I know it was. But you-“

“I said get out of here,” Alex snaps back, his voice far too biting and cold for this moment. Chuck was trying to help me – he _did_ help me. But Alex is sending him away and I don’t get it.

Chuck leaves without another word but Alex swears under his breath as Chuck walks away. He watches the parking lot until Chuck and Hartwood are both inside the police car and then he turns away from it, letting out a breath as he drags his fingers through his hair.

Silence descends over the garage for a few, agonizing seconds and in those moments, Alex seems to _stitch_ himself back together. It doesn’t happen all in one breath but after several, he’s able to drop his hands from his hair and his breathing evens out again.

No one in the garage has made a move or a sound and Alex is the only one to break the silence. He exhales out heavily before turning to look at me and I’m stuck in place. I hold his gaze for as long as he’ll let me but the guilt eats away at me as soon as his eyes are off me.

He turns away from me, facing Anastasia now. “Close up shop. We’re done for the day,” he says, turning away from her before she has a chance to argue – but something about the way Alex is crackling with electricity tells me she wouldn’t have anything to argue over.

Alex looks to me again, a heavy breath rattling from deep inside of himself and he nods toward the exit. “Outside. We need to talk,” he says, his voice soft on the words like he’s trying not to scare me. But my knees are knocking together and I can barely breathe without feeling like I’m gonna vomit. _It’s too late, Alex. It’s too fucking late._

I make it outside without falling over but I almost lose my balance at the look on Alex’s face when we come to a stop by my car. He watches me in silence for a few seconds, his arms folded over his chest before he nods toward my car.

“What’s with the sheet?” he asks in a way that’s so innocent, I know I’ll hate myself for lying to him. But I have to. _For Danny. All for Danny._

I shrug, leaning back against my car even though I feel like collapsing. Even though my legs threaten to give out underneath me and my heart is pounding like crazy, I somehow manage to pull off looking casual as I talk. “Spilled some paint a couple days ago.”

Alex looks like he calls bullshit but he lets that part go – asking something that makes my heart stop instead. “Tell me. If I open up your trunk, am I gonna find a gas can? Or some kind of lighter fluid?”

I swallow hard, meeting his gaze despite how it tears me up inside. I see the shift in his eyes, the split-second where he can’t believe it’s the truth, and the moment he accepts it. _I did it, Alex. It was me._

“Fucking hell,” Alex says, his voice louder than a whisper but not exactly a shout either. He shakes his head, looking away from me and plunging the two of us into total silence that I’m not sure how to navigate. He keeps his stare on the pavement and I keep my focus on trying not to throw up.

I can’t look at him as I admit it – and even though he _knows_ the truth, I feel the need to say it out loud. To confirm it. Maybe for his sake or maybe because I _need_ to say it. So that I accept it. I did this. It was me.

“Yes,” I breathe, shaking all over as I drag my fingernails across my scalp. “I started the fire.”

Alex is staring at me when I manage to lift my gaze to his and he practically breaks on the one word. _“Why_?” His eyebrows are drawn down but not out of anger. It’s some mixture of confusion and fear and I don’t know how to ease it. I don’t know how to tell him that I did it for a good reason. Because I can’t tell him what that reason is. Why I did this has to stay a secret or it was all pointless.

I push away from my car, still shaking like a leaf but standing up on my own. “I don’t know,” I breathe, letting my eyes fall closed as I step away from my car, not entirely sure where I’m going. “I can’t… I don’t know how to tell you.”

“Use your _words_ , Dash. You’re not an idiot,” Alex says, his voice far too biting for me to handle. I know I fucked up. I know he deserves more of an answer. But I deserve the space to figure this out on my own before I have to tell anyone else.

I shrug, plunging my hand into my pocket and dragging my keys out. “I don’t want to talk about it,” I mumble, nodding toward my car. He stares back at me and for a few seconds, he won’t move out of my way.

“Alex, come on,” I practically beg, nearly collapsing against the car again. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to stand here and pretend that I’m capable of this. That I’m _stronger_ than this. _I’m breaking, Alex. Please just let me go._

He steps out of my way but his body language reads pissed. Everything about him is practically vibrating from anger and I almost collapse right there on the pavement. I manage to let out a weak breath but that’s the most I can do without splintering. _I’m sorry, Alex. I’m so fucking sorry._

I get in my car without another word even though there’s a thousand trapped inside of me. I could spit a million words at Alex’s feet and it still wouldn’t be enough. I need to tell him everything but it’s all too much. I know I wouldn’t get the words past my lips before I choked and it would all come spilling out of me. So I leave. I run away cause that’s all I fucking know how to do. I’ve been so fucking terrified of turning out just like dad but who fucking knew that I’m just like my mom.

 

* * *

 

I drive for hours. Every back road I’ve ever been down and across every major intersection. I run red lights and I push myself to go faster. I’m so fucking angry at myself and at Alex and at the fucking cops. I’m pissed that my mom left and that dad’s trying again after all this fucking time. I don’t know why he’s trying but he is and I can’t accept it cause it hurts. Cause I don’t believe it. Cause I’m too fucking angry to feel anything else.

When traffic starts to get bad and I realize that everyone’s out of school now, I go home. I don’t know what I’m expecting to find when I pull my car into my neighborhood but an empty driveway hurts more than it has a right to. I should be fucking used to this by now.

I get out of my car and head inside without bothering to stop for my backpack. I don’t care anymore. My homework doesn’t matter and school doesn’t matter and I’m just fucking done. I can’t care anymore or it’ll eat me alive.

I can’t think right now and I don’t have the energy to do anything other than lie on the couch and catch what’s on the TV. I channel-flip for a while, bouncing between a soap opera and some talk show that’s so fucking condescending. I don’t want to watch either but I can’t bring myself to look for anything else.

The talk show rolls to a commercial so I flip back to the soap but I hit the wrong button and I end up on the news. And before I have the chance to change the channel again, I see the coverage. Images and videos of the fire I started are rolling across the screen and I can’t stomach it but I can’t tear my fucking eyes away either. _This is my fucking fault._

Before I can switch the channel, a news anchor starts talking – telling me that the police have no suspects yet and I fucking hate myself for the relief that courses through me. I don’t have a fucking right to feel relieved. I committed a _crime_ and I’m relieved that they haven’t pinned it on me yet.

I tune out the rest of what the news anchor is saying as I get my phone from the couch, typing in my passcode one-handedly. I don’t know what I’m looking for. It’s not like I expect Alex to be the one to reach out first. I almost open Kwan’s string of text messages but the television distracts me before I get the chance.

My dad’s name is casually mentioned and I think my heart stops when the word _hospital_ follows after it. I sit upright on the couch, my heart slamming inside my ribs as I try to remember how to breathe. The news anchor says that he was hospitalized earlier for smoke inhalation and second degree burns.

I practically fling myself from the couch as I stand up, shoving my keys and my phone into my pockets before I shut off the television. Everything in me is racing up and down as I open the front door and step outside.

Before I even get the door locked behind me, his car pulls into the driveway. My knees are weak underneath me and dad’s got a wide patch of gauze wrapped around his arm as he gets out of his car. It tears at me. Reminds me what the fuck I did and just how many people I could have fucking hurt.

“Hey,” dad calls out to me as he comes up the walk. He smiles and it hurts. It stings at the thinly veiled confidence I’ve tried slipping on over my skin like a jacket that’s too big. One that sits heavily on my bones, reminding me that it doesn’t belong. That _I_ don’t belong.

I don’t find strength enough to talk beyond a simple ‘hi’ and I see dad’s eyebrows draw down before I get a chance to look away from him. I turn back to the house and push the door open, stepping inside and breathing in air that feels too stale.

Dad closes the door behind the two of us and he waits behind me, like he’s watching for my next move. And even though my heart’s pounding out of my chest and I should put as much distance between the two of us as I can, I don’t. I turn back to him and try not to shake as I meet his gaze.

“I just… caught the news,” I breathe, swallowing hard. “They said you were in the hospital?”

He frowns, nodding once. “I was earlier. There was a fire off route 46 this afternoon. I went down there with a couple of other officers,” he says, letting out a breath as he shakes his head. “As if the station wasn’t busy enough, we’re now looking at a case of arson and I’ve only got a few officers to put on it.”

I choke. I don’t know if it’s the tone of his voice, the faint taste of that smoke, or if it’s something else entirely. Something chokes me and I end up with my head in my hands, dragging in one breath after another, just trying to hold on.

Dad puts a hand on my shoulder, giving me a little shake. “Dash,” he says, like he doesn’t know what else to say.

I wish there was something I could do. Some way I could own up to what I did and not have him hate me. Not have him haul me in and book me. I wish I could tell him the truth and not have it fucking matter. But I committed a crime and my dad’s the fucking sheriff.

“What is it?” he asks, his voice so gentle, I could mistake him for someone else. Cause it’s been years since I’ve heard him like this and I don’t know what do. I want to trust him but he’s the sheriff. It’s not like he can write me a free pass just because I’m his son.

Dad puts his other hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently and I can’t take it. He’s being kind and I’m being a wreck. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to do shit like this and not let it fuck with me. _I started that fire. I started that fucking fire._

“I’m okay, son,” dad says softly, pulling me closer to him. He fits me against his chest and I almost collapse against him. Cause his arms are warm around me and he holds me like he’s afraid I might break, whispering the same few words over and over just to calm my racing heart. “It’s okay, I’ve got you. You’re okay.”

 

* * *

 

It’s weird after that. When I manage to pull away from him, my skin feels rubbed raw. I feel naked and like I’m hiding every inch of myself at the same time. Dad doesn’t ask and I guess he assumes the fear was all for him.

He asks if I want to go out to the steakhouse with him and I don’t know if I can be around other people right now. He seems to immediately understand when I shrug cause his hand is on my shoulder again, guiding me forward toward the kitchen.

“Come on. We’ll grill some steaks ourselves then,” he says, his hand warm on my back as he gently nudges me toward the fridge. “Get out the meat, I’ll find the marinade.”

I don’t know if he’s doing this on purpose – putting me to work to get me distracted – but I don’t think he knows how much it helps. Cause when I’m pulling out steaks and helping him get them ready to go on the grill, it distracts me enough to get me to stop thinking. I quit agonizing over everything that’s happened today and by the time the steaks are ready, I can breathe again.

“You coming out with me?” he asks, glancing over his shoulder at the grill in the back yard before he frowns and looks back at me. “These two shouldn’t take long to cook. You set the table for us, hmm?”

I don’t know if his hesitation is at all based on the fire or not but… I don’t want to go outside with him. So I watch him go and I end up with my head in my hands again. I’m standing in the middle of the kitchen, my hands braced against my knees as I drag in a breath that shakes, trying to calm the fuck down.

_No one was hurt. The fire was put out. Everything’s fine. No one suspects you. Everything’s fucking fine, just calm down._

I drag in a breath that’s splintered and broken and I pull my phone from my pocket, typing a message and hitting send before I even think it through.

**To: Alex**

**_Don’t tell anyone what I told you_ **

**_No one can find out, okay?_ **

**_Please, Alex_ **

My chest constricts painfully as I move through the kitchen, leaving my phone on the counter. I try not to think about it but the second it vibrates softly, I stop what I’m doing and go to it. My hands shake as I lift my phone from the countertop but relief floods through me like my own blood, reminding me that despite _everything_ , Alex always has my back.

**From: Alex**

**_Of course. You know you can trust me_ **

 

* * *

 

Dinner is awkward. It’s filled with hesitation on both our parts and I could almost laugh at the ridiculousness of it all if I wasn’t so terrified. Dad being careful around me isn’t something that I’ll ever get used to. It’s weird and out of place and I want to tell him just to stop. But I don’t know how to say that I’m fine without choking.

He suggests watching a ball game together but I’m too twisted up inside my head to spend anymore time with him than I already have. So I lie and say that I have homework. And as soon as dinner is done, I lock myself away in my room, carding my fingers through my hair in a desperate attempt to stay calm.

Everything in my room feels out of place now that it’s all put away so I end up pulling it all out again. Cases for my CD’s and video games end up spread across my bedroom floor and I pull clothes from my dresser, feeling like a kid throwing a tantrum but it helps. It eases the jagged parts of myself that feel too much and not enough at the same time. It scratches that itch, that need to do _something_ – even if that something is tearing my room apart, searching for my broken sanity.

 

* * *

 

I’m sitting at my desk, leaning back in my chair and staring at the ceiling when my phone rings. I expect Alex’s name or maybe even Valerie, but it’s neither. Danny’s name is lighting up my screen and the rational part of myself knows what he’s calling about. But the part that just wants to leave this all behind urges me on to answer it, convincing myself that he’s just calling to talk.

“Hello?” my voice is hesitant on the one word and I wonder if he can hear it. If he can feel the tremble over the phone lines or if I’m the only one that recognizes the shakiness of my own voice.

_“Are you fucking kidding me?”_ he says in a rush, a shaky breath rattling across the phone line. _“Tell me that you had_ nothing _to do with this. Please, Dash – tell me it’s a coincidence.”_

My hands are shaking again and my world tilts. I shift in my desk chair, sliding down until my neck is resting against the back. I don’t know how to admit it. I don’t know how to say the words we both already know. It’s not a coincidence. Of _course_ it’s not a coincidence.

“I uhh…” I trail off, uncertain of how to spit the broken words at him. He knows the truth – we both do. But saying it feels so much more powerful than just the few words it’d take. It feels heavier than that. _Bigger_ than that. It’s bigger than this room, than the two of us… bigger than myself and everything I’ve ever done. _I started something but I have no idea how to stop it._

Danny swears again but he doesn’t say anything else before abruptly ending the call. It takes a few minutes of listening to the dead air before I realize that he hung up. That he’s not on the line anymore because of what I did.

My breath is stuttered as I wait for the call to connect again and for half a second, I don’t think he’s gonna answer. But when his voice comes on the line again, another swear tangled up in his words, I don’t wait for him to stop before I’m talking.

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean for… any of this to get so far out of hand,” I admit, breathing out to shake the nerves from me. It does little to ease the way my heart is pounding but it makes my head feel just a little clearer. It makes me feel like I’m more in control than I am.

Danny’s quiet on his end and I take a few seconds to drag in a shaky breath. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what he needs to hear. I fucked up. I fucked up _badly_. And there’s nothing I can do to fix it – no way I can take it back.

“I don’t know what I was thinking, I just… Danny, I didn’t want them to find you,” I breathe, squeezing my eyes closed as I sit forward in my chair. I grip one hand around the edge of my desk, trying to keep from running. From bolting out of my room and into my car so I can get to him. So he can see how fucking sorry I am.

I try to say something else – another broken apology – but Danny interrupts me before I’ve even gotten the first word out.

_“You know, I was willing to let the Valerie thing go. You know – where you told someone I don’t even know about what and who I am without even asking me.”_ His voice is so cold on the words, a shiver runs through me. He lets out a noise that sounds like he’s breaking but his voice is just as angry when he starts again. _“I decided it didn’t matter that you didn’t ask because I trust you. I trust you, Dash, and this is what you do?”_

My heart is slamming around inside my ribcage, wrapping around my esophagus and threatening to choke me into silence. “Danny, I-I’m so sorry. You’ve gotta believe me, I’m-“

_“I don’t care,”_ he spits, his voice like ice to my veins. _“You didn’t ask me about Valerie and you didn’t ask me about this. How could you… how could set a_ fire _without talking to me? Without even_ mentioning _it?”_

_I was trying to protect you. Danny, I was only trying to protect you._

“Danny, I…”

_“Stop saying you’re sorry,”_ he interrupts, huffing out a sigh that’s equal parts angry and frustrated. _“This is on the news now. Did you think about that when you did it? Did you even consider for a_ second _that this might get back to the people looking for me? That they might see this coverage and consider that someone might be trying to burn away evidence?”_

Shit. He’s right. He’s fucking right – I should have thought this through but I went with my gut instead. I went with my instincts and I should have fucking checked with him first. I should have run this by him instead of doing what I thought was best because… because I don’t fucking know what’s best anymore.

“I’m sorry… I…” I suddenly remember that dad’s somewhere in the house and he might overhear me. I drop my voice anyway even though it might be too late. “Can I meet you somewhere? I don’t… I want to figure out what we do from here.”

_“We?”_ he demands, letting out a scoff. _“There is no ‘we’ anymore about this stuff, Dash. I don’t want your help with any of this – I don’t need someone making stupid decisions helping me. You’ve done enough.”_

He hangs up then and my blood runs cold. _I fucked up. I fucked up so badly._

My heart aches when I pull my phone away from my ear to see the call ended. To see his name disappear off my screen and know in the pit of my stomach that it’s the last time I’ll hear from. _I’ve done it. I’ve pushed him for the last fucking time._

I want to call him back. I ache to hear his voice again even if all he’ll do is throw swear words intermittent with my name. I deserve it. I deserve all of it. But I know he won’t answer my call and I know I can’t do that to him. He’s done with me and I have no defense. He has every fucking right to be.

 

* * *

 

It’s almost ten when I hear dad on the stairs. I’m lying in bed, on top of my covers with my shit still everywhere in my room. I’m staring up at the ceiling, my phone halfway across the room because I know if it’s near me, I’ll call Danny. I know I won’t be getting any sleep tonight but I’ll hate myself forever if I don’t take the hint and just leave him alone like he wants me to.

Dad knocks softly on my door and I wish I could feign sleep. But my light’s on and I know he wouldn’t believe that I’m asleep anyway, so I call out for him to come in.

He eases the door open and cautiously steps inside, surveying me in silence for a few seconds. His hesitation is laughable because dad’s never been one to sense things like this in me. But I suppose when it was staring him in the face earlier, he couldn’t exactly pretend like everything was fine.

“Hey,” he calls softly, taking a small step further into the room.

I know better than to take my eyes off him, especially when he’s playing the nice parent role again, but I flick my gaze to the ceiling, studying the popcorn texture in silence. I don’t know how to pretend like my world didn’t implode tonight and I don’t feel like making pretend.

“I’m headed to bed, just wanted to come check on you,” he says and I nod without breaking my stare. He lets out a quiet breath. “Son… is there something on your mind?”

I can’t tell him. Not only is he the sheriff, he’s also my _dad._ And I know how he’d react to something like this. His fists would do the talking and I’d never be able to breathe again. I’d splinter and wilt the second his hands were on me.

“No,” I run a hand down my face, shrugging once before I finally look away from the ceiling and meet dad’s curious stare. “It’s just… been one of those days.”

Dad nods like he gets it but he doesn’t. He has no clue what I’m going through and there’s no way I can let him in on it. There aren’t words to describe the ache I feel knowing that the boy I’ve fallen for wants nothing to do with me now.

“I’m working the early shift tomorrow but you should come by for lunch,” dad offers, nodding when I raise my eyebrows. “It’ll be fun.”

I could laugh at how outrageous this whole thing is. It’s been a long time since I’ve had fun with dad. I don’t know why he’s trying so hard to be something he’s not but I don’t think I can play along with him. I don’t want to go out to lunch with him and I don’t want to pretend like he doesn’t regularly mark my skin with his fists.

He lets out a quiet breath. “I’ll let you sleep. Text me tomorrow if you decide to stop by. I’ll clear some time for you,” he says, nodding once before he takes a few steps out of my room and closes the door behind him.

I listen to his footsteps fading in the distance before the exhaustion of the day hits me full-force. I don’t think I felt it earlier or if I did, it was masked by the general uneasiness that’s been hanging over me all day.

I only get out of bed to fold the covers down and pull my jeans off. I cut the light out and cross my room again, stumbling over all the shit I left on my floor. It feels too early to sleep but I collapse on my mattress anyway, the blankets weighing heavily on me and lulling me into the darkness. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring or if Danny will even let me talk to him but I dread it. I dread every part of the new day and I briefly wonder if there’s a way I can just stay home before sleep overtakes me and I tumble into the blackness.

 

* * *

 

Something startles me awake and for half a second, I imagine it’s Danny. Some fucked up part of my brain tells me that he’s calling me and even though my phone’s ringing across the room, I know he’s not the one on the other end.

I cross my room over to my desk and grab my phone, blinking at the string of numbers staring back at me as the time clicks over to five-thirty. I try to wipe the sleep from my eyes but it’s still the same number I remember dialing in an adrenaline fueled panic only a few days ago.

 “Mom?” I ask as soon as I press the phone to my ear. It’s colder in my room than it was when I fell asleep so I crawl back in bed, dragging the covers up closer to me. “What’s going on?” I ask, stifling a yawn with the back of my hand.

She breathes out with just enough of a shake in her breath to wake me up fully. _“Hey, honey… I didn’t wake you, did I?”_ she asks, her voice soft with every word. _Fuck._ How does she make my heart ache and soar at the same time? After she left, all I wanted to do was hear from her. But the _second_ she asked me for help, I pushed her away. I spend so much time fucking up and I always end up pushing people away. One day, I’m gonna have to learn to stop being so fucking selfish.

“No,” I lie, running a hand down my face. I roll over onto my side, keeping the phone propped against my cheek with the movement. “Is everything okay?”

Mom makes a small noise before she responds. _“Everything’s falling into place, Dash. My attorney has a few minutes free tomorrow and has agreed to meet with you. Can you meet me in Dryden tomorrow so you can talk to him?”_

Shit. I made the promise to talk to her attorney when Danny was bleeding out, I almost forgot that I was actually gonna have to follow through with it. Fuck… _tomorrow_? I feel like I need a damn _week_ to prepare myself for this shit but I’ve got less than a day.

“Uhh…” I let out a heavy breath, my eyes falling closed. I don’t know if I can drive like this. “Can you pick me up instead?”

Mom lets out a quiet breath. _“Okay. I’ve agreed to meet with my attorney at eleven-thirty so… I’ll pick you up around 9, I suppose?”_ she asks, her exhale loud over the phone. _“Do you want to meet me at your school?”_

I don’t really want to go into school at all knowing that I’ll have to cut out early to leave with her. I don’t want any of my friends to see her and I don’t want _Danny_ to see her… I don’t think I want Danny to even see me. Shit, it’s better to avoid school altogether.

“No, that’s not… a good idea. Um, can you meet me at Alex’s garage instead?” I ask, pinching the bridge of my nose between my index finger and thumb, slowly letting a breath out. In a couple of hours, I’ll be in the car with her, on my way to tell an attorney all the shit with my dad.

God, I should feel relieved that this day has finally come but I just feel sick instead. Dad’s trying again. And I feel like I’m betraying him by agreeing to tell someone what he’s like sometimes. I try to convince myself that everything will be okay but if I can’t believe it in the darkness of my bedroom, how the hell am I supposed to believe it tomorrow while I’m sitting in some stranger’s office?

 

* * *

 

I barely sleep after I end the call with mom. I get in maybe an hour before I decide to call it quits and get up. I don’t feel like laying around waiting for the inevitable.

My shower is luke-warm and dad’s already gone by the time I get out. It’s just past six-thirty but I get dressed and leave the house early anyway, only stopping for some coffee that I slowly nurse on my way to the garage.

Alex doesn’t usually open the garage until eight so I’m not surprised that my car’s the only one in the lot when I pull up. I leave my car running as I get out and find the spare key hidden underneath the gutter, opening up the garage so I can drive my car into one of the bay’s. If I’m gonna be here for a few hours anyway, I might as well take care of the final thing tying me to this shit. Maybe now I can breathe again when cop cars pass by me in traffic.

I park my car in the bay and shed my jacket in the passenger seat, grabbing my coffee and keys before I leave the lingering warmth of the driver’s seat. Exhaustion is in my every movement so I drain a few more swallows of coffee before I prop the cup on the top of a toolbox, finding a bottle of bleach before I get back to my car.

The sight of that bloodstain makes my stomach turn but I manage to push the bile back with a few scalding mouthfuls of coffee. _I can do this. I have to do this._

I find a pair of scissors in the bottom of a toolbox and I cut up the sheet into strips I use to scrub at the stain. The bleach does jack-shit at first but when I leave it sitting for a few minutes, the stain starts to lighten. I’m pretty sure I’ll never be able to drive my car with the windows up again and the scent of bleach is stinging my eyes even now but it’s working.

I’ve gotten the stain to lighten a bit but it’s still ugly looking when someone pulls into the parking lot. Shit. I can’t have a customer show up and ask why my backseat looks like someone was murdered.

Before I have time to come up with an excuse, they park their car and I realize it’s Eric. I don’t exactly want him asking me what the hell I’m doing either but it’s better than if it was a stranger. At least with my coworker, I can come up with a bullshit story and he _probably_ won’t call the police.

Eric is whistling as he comes up the walk, checking his phone and swinging his keys around his finger. He stops suddenly and I force myself to take in a breath before I glance over my shoulder. He’s staring my way with his eyebrows slowly drawing down. As soon as I turn my gaze away from him, he starts my way, dragging a sigh from me.

“Do you ever go to school, Baxter?” Eric asks as he comes to a stop beside my car, giving me a playful smirk. His expression shifts when he glances down at the red-tinged rags piled at my feet. I watch him take in the state of the backseat before he looks up at me with a raised eyebrow.

I shrug, dropping my gaze back to the floor as I dunk another rag into the bucket of bleach. I probably should have worn some gloves or something cause I can already feel the skin on the back of my hands tightening but I try not to think about it.

“No,” I respond before I duck my head and lean into the backseat again, scrubbing at the darker spots first before I rinse the rag again. I can feel Eric watching me the entire time and I finally exhale out a breath, flicking my gaze to his with a shitty grin. “Whenever you’re buying red paint, always make sure the lid’s on tightly when you leave. Otherwise, it ends up looking like you tried to murder somebody.”

Eric’s eyebrows draw down and he gives me a suspicious look. My skin prickles beneath his stare and I lean over to scrub more. He doesn’t say anything while I’m in the backseat, only when I’m rinsing the rag out.

“You’re using bleach on a _paint_ stain?” he questions, his eyebrows rising when I look at him.

_Shit._ I didn’t think about that. What kind of _idiot_ would clean up a paint spill with fucking _bleach_?

“Dude, it was stubborn as fuck,” I mumble, trying to shrug it off but I think he’s noticed that my hand is trembling now. I can’t explain to anyone why there’s a fucking bloodstain on the backseat of my car. Even if I said that I rushed a friend to a hospital… Eric would still ask how the fuck they survived after losing that much blood.

Eric shifts against my car before he pushes away, giving me a shrug as he wanders off. Relief floods through me for a few seconds before I push it down and get back to work. Mom’ll be here soon and I really want to get this over with. I’m tired of seeing this stupid stain and losing my breath over the feeling of Danny’s warm blood coursing over my hands and his scream ringing out in the small office mom patched him up in. I’m tired of having something around that will only remind me of someone I won’t get to see anymore.

I tell myself the tears stinging my eyes are from the bleach and not cause my mind is going places it shouldn’t and I force myself back to work. I don’t have time to have a full-scale breakdown or anything. I’ve got shit to do.

It takes three heavy doses of bleach before I manage to get the stain looking a little less like somebody bled out and more like something pink was spilled on my seats. It’s good enough to pass off as an ordinary stain but I keep scrubbing anyway.

I’m almost halfway through the last set of rags I cut up when Alex’s car pulls into the lot. I see him before Eric does but my not-so-quietly muttered “shit” under my breath draws my coworker’s attention. I subtly kick the used pile of rags underneath the edge of my car before I go back to scrubbing.

Alex is quiet as he enters the shop and he speaks to Eric first before he looks my way, surprise momentarily crossing his face before he starts toward me. I only look his way for a few seconds before I’m focused on my job again, my hands stinging from the bleach now.

“You’re not skipping school again, are you?” Alex asks, a joke to his tone as he comes to a stop beside my car. He hesitates a second before he lets out a quiet breath. “Listen, I’m… sorry for how I was acting yesterday.”

He fidgets for a second when I manage to lift my gaze to his and it doesn’t take long for him to look away from me, studying the concrete floor beneath us instead. “It’s just…  I was expecting to see Chuck again and…” He lets out a breath, looking up at me again with a shake of his head. “It doesn’t matter. Point is – I shouldn’t have reacted that way to you. If there’s something you need to tell someone… you know I’m here for you.”

I nod just a little before I drag in a breath that’s tinged with the scent of bleach and the taste of the smoke from yesterday. And unlike Eric, Alex won’t let me shrug off his concern and keep working. “Dash, wait a second.” He grabs my upper arm before I can move away from him.

I exhale out, meeting his gaze before I drop mine to the ground, my fingers twitching around the rag. He looks from me to the car, his eyebrows drawing downward. “What are you doing?”

Shit, I wish he wouldn’t ask me that. I wish he and Eric and everyone else in my life wasn’t so concerned about me. I don’t need anyone’s concern. I can handle my own shit, I don’t need help anymore. Even if all I ever do is fuck up with Danny and everyone that’s ever been important to me – I don’t need anyone’s help.

“Just… cleaning up some paint,” I mumble, shrugging as I tug my arm from him. I don’t look at him as I get back to work but I slide my phone from my pocket to check the time. Great. Fifteen to nine… mom’ll be here soon.

Alex watches me for a few seconds before he takes a couple of steps away from me and I’m relieved for about a moment before he makes a soft noise in the back of his throat. I look toward him and my stomach fucking drops as he looks between me and the pile of rags he’s dragged from under my car.

“Dash… what is this?” he asks, his voice soft on the question. I can’t look at him with that tone to his voice and I hate that I’m blinking back tears again. Stupid fucking bleach.

I exhale, turning my gaze out into the rest of the shop with a shrug. “It’s just paint, Alex.” It’s a really shitty lie and we both know it, but a small part of me hopes that he just goes with it. That he leaves it alone for fucking _once_ and he won’t tell me to explain or-

“ _Paint_?” he questions, the disbelief clear in his tone. He’s silent for a few seconds before he puts a hand on my shoulder. “Hey, come on. You can tell me.”

_Goddammit, Alex, you’re not making this any easier._ He tries to soothe me by keeping his hand on my shoulder or telling me that it’s okay. But I see an Audi pull into parking lot and I step away from Alex, desperately needing the distance.

I only look his way for a second before I grab the last rag from my backseat and ditch it in the pile of others I’ve used. There’s still over half a bottle of bleach left but I don’t have time to go a final time so I kick it out of my way.

“Thanks but… I gotta go,” I say, sparing a glance at Alex before I slam my car door closed. God, why’d I have to try and take care of this bloodstain _now?_ I should have done this shit in the dead of night when no one else was here.

Alex is looking out into the parking lot when I step past him. I don’t have to feel the prickle of my skin to know that he’s turned his gaze to the back of my head. _Well… I guess mom’s out of her car…_

I exhale out, disturbing the quiet as I move things out of my way so I can back my car out of the garage. I just need to get my car out of here and leave with mom. Just get my car out and leave with mom. Just get-

“No one loses that much blood and lives, Dash.”

_Fuck._ My breath sticks in my throat as I slowly turn around to look at Alex. I try to force my expression into something close to confusion but the illusion is destroyed by the shaky breath that escapes me.

“What are you talking about?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper. I don’t know why I’m asking him, it’s obvious what he thinks happened. What he _knows_ happened. Shit, I should’ve been more careful with this. I never should have come to the garage today.

Alex gives me a look like he can’t believe I’d think he’s that stupid. “Are you kidding me? You come in here yesterday, asking me to lie for you about a fire. And now you’re cleaning up blood, pretending it’s paint, and you ask me what I’m talking about?” he demands, gesturing to my car. “Dash, what the _fuck_ is going on with you?”

_This wasn’t supposed to happen._ I wasn’t supposed to feel this panic around Alex like I did yesterday. But it’s back again – making itself known in the slight trembling in my fingers and the way my breath catches in my throat when I try to speak.

“It’s… nothing. Just l-leave it alone,” I respond, shrugging a little as I step past him. Alex tries to grab my arm again but I don’t let him. “I need to go,” I mumble, moving to the driver’s side but he follows after me.

He stops when I groan and when I look back at him, he’s staring out into the parking lot. I hear mom’s footsteps against the pavement and Alex slowly looks back at me, his pissed-off expression clear on his face.

Mom stops near the edge of the garage as she props her sunglasses on the top of her head. She glances between Alex and I before she starts up toward the bay we’re standing in. I swallow hard, not looking at Alex even when he clears his throat.

“Hey, I just gotta back my car out and then we can go,” I tell her, waiting until she nods before I turn my back and open my car door.

Alex’s voice is soft but it rings out clearer than any other sound in the garage. “What the hell are you doing here?” he questions. My chest constricts and I slowly breathe in before I look over my shoulder at mom. I try to give her an apologetic look but Alex continues. “Don’t you think you’ve fucked with him enough?”

“Alex, stop,” I say, turning around fully. He doesn’t immediately look at me but his expression softens when he does. Like he’s just sorry that I’m having to deal with this. “It’s fine, alright? Just… relax. I’ll only be gone a couple of hours. I can’t leave my baby here overnight,” I tell him, patting the roof of my car with a forced grin.

He gives me a look as his gaze shifts between the two of us, like he’s trying to work out what he missed but whatever he’s looking for, he apparently doesn’t get. “You’re going with her?” he questions, sounding more confused than angry. Fuck, right now, I think I’d _prefer_ his anger.

I hold his gaze for a few seconds before I exhale out, flicking my stare to mom. “Why don’t you… wait in the car? I’ll be out in a minute.”

Mom takes a final look between us before she nods and quickly leaves the garage. I watch her go for as long as I can until I have to look back at Alex. Cause I can feel the tension stretching between us like a cord waiting to snap. I hate that I have to have this stupid conversation but I know Alex will never let me go unless I do.

“Yeah, I’m going with her,” I say, trying to get used to the taste on the way out. I don’t want to do this. But a deal’s a deal. She saved Danny and it’s time for me to pay her back.

He scoffs, shaking his head. “ _Why_? I thought you were done with her. After everything we talked about, I thought you weren’t gonna let her back in your life. Dash, you _know_ you deserve better.”

Fuck, I don’t know how true that is. I made her beg me for _months_ before I agreed to help her. And mom saved Danny because I asked her to on a fucking _moment’s_ notice. She took care of _everything_ when I asked her to and I’m off setting fires I don’t know how to put out and asking for favors I have no right to.

“Yeah, well…” I scratch the back of my head, shrugging a little before I turn back to my car. “I don’t… really have time to explain but… maybe later,” I mumble.

Alex catches my arm before I can get in my car and he holds me there, waiting until I look at him before he speaks. “What’s going on?” he asks and I pull away from him. I can’t stand here and talk about mom this way. The shit between us sucks but I never had a right to tell Alex any of it. It should have stayed between me and mom.

I collapse back against my car, gritting my teeth as I jerk my fingers through my hair. _Fuck, I can’t do this._

“Anastasia told me about the phone call when you stayed with her in her hotel room after the game.” His expression is so serious when I manage to look back at him but it slowly melts into something close to understanding. But it’s painted with every shade of pain I’ve ever seen in his expression before. “Dash… why would you go back to her?”

Fuck, I wish I could just tell mom goodbye and never see her again. Cause she’s lied to me since the start of this fucked up situation but she saved Danny’s _life._ And I’d give her _mine_ in exchange if she asked.

“Cause,” I mumble, taking a last look at my car before I slam the door closed again. “If you don’t mind… I’ll just leave this here for now and come back for it later.”

He follows after me when I start out of the bay and I’m half tempted to break into a fucking run to get away from him. Why is he doing this? Why is he always so worried and concerned about me and why the fuck does he push me when it comes to mom and everything else that comes along with me? I don’t need his help or his worry. I’m fine on my own.

“Dash, I can’t… watch you do this to yourself,” he says, stepping in front of me when we reach the edge of the garage. He shakes his head once, planting his hands on my shoulders. “You _know_ you’ll end up hurt so… why are you doing this? What – has she promised you something?” he asks, his eyebrows drawing down when I groan. “Has she _threatened_ you?”

“No, Alex,” I choke out, tears stinging my eyes again as I drop my gaze from his. I’d fucking love to believe it’s cause of the stupid bleach again but I’ve barely slept and I don’t want to go with mom but I have to and Alex is trying to help but he’s just making this hurt worse and-

The sniffle I make is loud in the silence but I try to disguise it with a rough exhale. Alex doesn’t buy it for a second and he’s reaching for me, talking softly, trying to comfort me. God, I don’t fucking _need_ his comfort. I don’t need him to tell me that everything’s gonna be okay cause it’s not. I’m going with mom and lying my ass off cause I asked her to save someone I ultimately ended up losing anyway. I don’t get a way out of this and I sure as hell don’t get a happily ever after.

I push him away with my hands on his chest but it only stops him for a second before he reaches out for me again. God, I’ll fucking _collapse_ if I’m in his arms and that’s not what I need right now. I need to just… keep my head down and get the fuck through this. When I’m home alone, I can fall the fuck apart but not now.

“Just stop, Alex. I don’t need anyone to-” I push him away with more force and he stumbles back a pace. He hesitates a second before he stops, keeping the distance between us that I’ve so desperately clawed for. I know he can see the tears in my eyes and the way I’m practically fucking choking but I can’t do this now. “Stop trying to fucking help me. I don’t need you, Alex. You’re not my family, you’re not… you’re not _anything_.”

His eyebrows draw down and I see the hurt flash through his eyes. _Shit… I didn’t mean that._ For a moment, neither of us says a word and the silence claws at the inside of my throat. _Fuck… I hurt him. Alex, I didn’t mean to, I’m so-_

Alex lets out a breath, slowly nodding. “Alright.” He takes a few steps back from me and nods once. He starts back into the garage and I start away from it. My hands are shaking and tears are blurring my fucking vision and my jacket’s still in my car but I leave it. I leave everything and cross the parking lot over to mom’s car.

She’s watching me, standing beside her car, but I don’t look up at her. I slow my pace to a fucking _crawl_ as I near where she is and I half-turn back to the garage. My heart hurts. It _aches_ for the person I’m walking away from and I wish that everything was different. I wish I’d never come to the garage this morning.

My hands are still stinging from the bleach but I ignore them as I reach mom’s Audi. She gives me a sympathetic look before I cross over to the passenger side. I don’t want to talk about Alex or anything, I just want to get this shit over with.

I slam the passenger door closed as soon as I’m inside, letting out a shaky breath in the silence. I don’t look up when mom opens the driver’s door and the tension quickly becomes part of my every movement. I focus on buckling my seat belt, _hating_ myself for the shit I always spit out without thinking about anyone other than myself. I hate how fucking selfish I am.

Mom doesn’t say anything as she starts the engine but she nudges my hand gently before handing me a cup of coffee. I don’t meet her gaze but I hear the smile in her tone as she speaks. “I figured you might… like some coffee.”

I can barely nod and even though I want to say thanks and despite the fact that I already had a cup when I got up this morning, I force down a scalding mouthful in an attempt to drown the lump in my throat. It doesn’t work and I turn away from mom as she starts out of the parking lot, cramming a fist against my lips to keep silent. _Fuck, why does this hurt so badly?_

The silence is crawling over me and I tug my phone from my pocket, finding Alex’s contact in my recent conversations. I hate that I’m doing this over a fucking text message but I don’t know when I’ll be done with mom and I can’t wait that long.

**To: Alex**

**_I’m so fucking sorry_ **

**_I didn’t mean that_ **

**_You’re not nothing to me I’m sorry_ **

**_Fuck I’m sorry_ **

Mom casts worried looks my way but I keep my gaze out the window, ignoring her concern. Maybe I don’t need her or dad to be a part of my life anymore but I actually need Alex. I was wrong. I fucking need him – now more than ever – and that hurt look he wore replays in my mind on some kind of fucked up loop. _Fuck, Alex, I’m so goddamn sorry._

 

* * *

 

We’re still an hour away from Dryden when mom starts giving me the run-down of how this is supposed to go. She tells me what I should avoid talking about and what’s okay to bring up. I nod to whatever she says, checking my phone every few minutes for a response from Alex, ignoring the rest of my text messages. It’s really only Kwan and Keith that have texted me and I can’t find it in me to care. I really fucked up with Alex and it’s eating at me that he hasn’t responded yet.

I try to listen to what mom’s saying instead but after a while, I zone out and it doesn’t take her long to notice. We shift into silence for a few minutes but mom turns on the radio before the quiet can pick at me.

The closer we get to Dryden, the more often mom turns down the volume to remind me of something. I nod like I’m listening but my head’s barely in the moment, much less the conversation. I’m thinking about when I was in the hospital a couple weekends before the championship game. And how Alex stayed there with me. Kwan found me but Alex stayed with me at the hospital. Drove me to his place and let me crash there for the night. He’s always been on my side and this is the fucking thanks he gets. Cause I’m a fucking asshole to people that care about me.

Mom cuts the music off entirely a couple miles into Dryden and tells me that we’re only close to her attorney’s office. I lean my head against the window, watching mom from the corner of my eye as she drives.

She’s clearly nervous but she does a damn good job of hiding it. Better than I could manage. Nerves and anxiety tend to eat me alive but mom’s keeping her cool – her frown and the crease between her eyebrows the only signs of tension in her frame.

I think I drift off somewhere between the highway and her lawyer’s place cause the next thing I know, she’s shaking me awake. Her touch is hesitant but she brushes the hair back from my forehead and I see the surprise on her face when I lean into her touch.

“Are you… okay, honey?” she asks softly and I wish I could be honest with her. I wish I didn’t have to pretend that I’m doing better than I actually am. In a perfect world, I’d say that things have been pretty shit lately and that I fucked up so badly and I just want her to help me fix it. I’d say that I miss her even though being around her fucking _hurts_ but this isn’t a perfect world. My fuck-ups are mine to deal with and whatever shit mom’s got going on in her life is hers to work out. Right now I’m paying back the favor she did for me, that’s all.

I swipe a hand down my face, pulling away from mom as I one-handedly unbuckle my seatbelt. “Yeah…  didn’t sleep well,” I admit, not having to feign the exhaustion in my tone. She watches me for a few seconds and I open the car door in the silence.

Mom waits until I’ve stepped out before she opens her door as well. There’s a few seconds of silence where I’m crossing in front of the car and then we’re both standing next to each other, staring up at the front of her attorney’s office. And the reality slams into me, reminding me that this is fucking real. I’m actually standing here cause I’m supposed to tell a stranger about all the shit dad used to do to us. Only I’m supposed to frame it like I just _watched_ it all happen. Like I never stood between her and dad, just trying to protect her, and that he never broke my jaw when mom was away because he needed _something_ to get his anger out on.

“Just… try to remember what I’ve told you, okay?” she asks softly, letting out a breath. “I think you’ll be talking to him on your own so… don’t be nervous.”

_Don’t be nervous…_ That’s like telling me not to love cars, or the smell of rain, or Danny’s smile, or the roar of the crowd during Friday night games. It’s like telling me not to breathe and not to fuck-up every damn day. It’s in my blood. _Nervous and I make quite the pair, mom._

“Yeah,” I mumble instead of any of the shit running through my head. I brush my hair back with one hand, exhaling out a pent-up breath. I don’t want to do this. But I made a promise and it’s time I make good on it.

I walk beside mom up to the glass door that she holds open for me. I step inside and wait for mom to follow me in. She lets the door fall shut behind us and glances around the waiting area before she leads me over to a couple of chairs.

Mom sits down in one and I uneasily sink down into the one beside her, taking out my phone almost immediately. There’s still no response from Alex so I shift over to Kwan’s conversation instead, more to keep my mind busy than actual curiosity about what he said.

**From: Kwan**

**_Hey, yesterday was kind of crazy but… no one’s seen you since then? I called Danny but he said he didn’t want to talk about it_ **

**_What’s going on?? Did you guys have a fight or something?_ **

**_First bell’s about to ring…I’m guessing you’re not coming in today?_ **

**_Let me know when you get this? I’m coming to check on you later so don’t make me worry until then haha_ **

**_Seriously… please be okay, Dash_ **

I wonder if he’s thinking about the last time I didn’t respond. When I ended up in the hospital, in so much fucking pain I could barely see straight. God, I wonder how often Kwan thinks about that or if that shit doesn’t cross his mind until moments like this. When I don’t respond to him cause I’m too busy _obsessing_ over everything else.

**To: Kwan**

**_Sorry, I’m fine_ **

**_You don’t have to check on me_ **

**_I’m not at home and I don’t know when I’ll be back so don’t bother_ **

I didn’t have to say all of that but I feel the need to explain or make it right or fucking something. Cause I don’t want Kwan to worry about me and I don’t want to fuck up anymore. God, _why_ do I fuck up so much?

A door down the hall opens and mom perks up, her eyebrows rising on her forehead as a pair of footsteps near us. A guy turns the corner and steps into the waiting area, glancing between mom and I before a smile softens his expression.

He looks like he might be mom’s age, maybe a little older, but he’s got more youth to his face than either of my parents do. His black hair suits his tanned skin and he looks more familiar than he should. _Where have I seen him before?_

“Cynthia, I’m glad you could make it,” he says with a smile. “How’s Jacob doing – any better today?”

Mom lets out a nervous laugh, running a hand through her hair to smooth it down. “He’s… better, thanks for asking. Um, this is my… this is Dash,” she says, looking my way with a smile that only I can tell is nervous. It’s the same expression she wore every day that dad would come home, trying to turn over a new leaf again. There’s an air of hesitance to her expression and only know what half of it means. I don’t know who Jacob is but something tells me it’s that guy who answered the phone when I called her the night before the championship game. Back when I thought I’d never do something like this. When I couldn’t imagine myself sitting here, talking about this shit to a stranger.

Her lawyer gives me a smile, stepping over to me and extending his hand. “Robert Montgomery, it’s nice to meet you, Dash. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

I manage to swallow past the lump in my throat as I shake this guy’s hand, blinking up at him in stunned silence. _Mom’s… told him a lot about me?_

“Congratulations on winning the season. It’s nice to see the trophy go to the Ravens this year. I’ve gotten tired of watching Elmerton and Livermore win it,” he jokes, giving me a wink before he looks at mom. His expression sobers a little before he nods, looking back at me. “You’re here to give your witness statement, yes?”

I silently nod, still caught on the football part. _He’s been following this season…?_ “Uhh… y-yeah, here for the uh… witness thing, yeah.”

He gives me another smile that’s way too fucking familiar and I realize why with a small breath that he picks up on. He raises an eyebrow and I hesitate a split-second before I exhale out. “Um… M-Montgomery, huh? You wouldn’t uhh… you don’t have a nephew do you…?”

Robert brightens, eagerly nodding. “I do! You’re on the team with my nephew, Keith. He’s a great player, isn’t he? I haven’t had the chance to come out and see him since last year but I’ve heard good things.”

“Y-Yeah, he’s… he’s great,” I mumble, scratching the back of my head in the silence.

He holds my gaze for a split second before he glances at mom. “I’ll talk to Dash for a few minutes, get his statement, and I’ll call you into my office when we’re finished, alright?”

Mom nods and I stumble to my feet, focusing on not tripping the entire time he leads me down a long hallway. He stops in front of a closed door and opens it for me, beckoning me further inside. Anxiety is making itself known in the prickle of my skin and the way the breath sticks in my throat with every step I take but I can’t turn back now.

I make it into his office in one piece and he closes the door behind us. Tall bookshelves loom on one side of the room and I wonder how many books are on both. They look like they’re just filled for decoration but I wonder if he’s picked out those books. If they’re favorites of his or if they’re law books. I can’t read the spines from here and not knowing what they are picks at my skin even though it doesn’t have a right to.

 He starts over to a desk in the center of the room and beckons me closer. I manage to cross over to the chair in front of his desk but I practically collapse into it, my knees knocking together and my stomach churning.

“Thank you for taking the time out to meet with me, Dash. As a senior, you must be busy with school and figuring out your future, huh?” he asks, giving me a smile as he settles behind his desk. I barely nod and his eyebrows draw down for a second before he glances at the papers spread across his desk.

He leans forward, shuffling a few things around before he looks up at me, resting his clasped hands on top of his desk. “Alright, Dash. Have you ever had to give a witness statement before?”

I shake my head, a breath leaving me. Robert picks up on the sound and he arches an eyebrow. I have to look away from his expression, the nerves racing up through me. _Fuck this isn’t good. Chill the fuck out, just chill the-_

“Ah… I’ve uh… never done this before. Little nervous, I guess?” I say, offering up my best attempt at what I’m sure is a shitty smile. God, why the fuck am I so dizzy? Shit, if I pass out in my mom’s fucking _attorney’s_ office… that won’t exactly help her.

Robert hesitates a second before he gives me a patient smile, nodding. “I understand. It can’t be easy to talk about the things that happened to your mother.” He drops his gaze to his computer, tapping a few keys on his keyboard and making a few mouse clicks before silence descends between us. I don’t say a word while he frowns at a few things on his computer and my chest constricts painfully.

_Right… I’m just a witness._

 “Alright, Dash.” He rests his fingers on the keyboard, looking up at me. “I need you to start with the earliest memory you have of the abuse. Do you remember the first time your father raised his hand to your mother?”

His fingers are poised on the keys and I’m fucking choking over everything I can’t say. God, I want to correct him – say that it’s not just my mom involved in this shit but she’s asked me not to. She _told_ me not to. Cause she’s trying to protect me. Fuck, why does she have to protect me from this? Dad’s gonna find out at some point that I’m helping her.

“Um… yeah, we were… on a beach. In Elmerton?” I mumble, looking up at Robert who’s nodding, his gaze on his computer screen as he types. I exhale out a breath, running a hand through my hair as my gaze drops back to the carpet. “I think I was like… five. He um… th-they were arguing… over money or something. A-And he pushed her. She… took me with her and she got us a hotel room in the area. And w-we were gonna leave him but… I don’t know, we didn’t.”

I push out a breath, the tightness in my chest spreading through my limbs and making everything numb. _Fuck, I’ve only just started and already, I can’t breathe?_

“Alright, and how often would you say that you saw any altercations between your parents? Did they fight a lot?” Robert asks, only lifting his gaze from his computer screen for a split second before he’s focused again, nodding for me to talk.

God, why is all of this shit weighing on me now? I’ve known for a while that this day was coming… why didn’t I think to fucking prepare for this? _The car ride over here wasn’t long enough, I need more time. I can’t think. I’m barely thinking. I fucked up so bad with Alex… I fucking want Alex. I can’t do this. I can’t say a fucking word, I-_

Robert looks up at me again, raising an eyebrow expectantly. _Fuck._

I let out a low breath, dropping my gaze from his. “S-Sorry…” I mumble, hating myself for the way my voice cracks on the one word. “There was… uhh… it got worse over the years. It wasn’t so bad when I was a kid. But he was really… fu- um. He was really violent when I was a freshman. He um… we ended up in the hospital multiple times that year cause of him. Little things would set him off and he’d just… he’d go crazy and go after her the second he came home.”

He nods, typing everything I’ve said before he suddenly pauses, looking up at me with a curious expression. “Sorry, clarify for me. Did you _both_ end up in the hospital because of him?” he asks, his eyebrows furrowing. “I thought the abuse only happened to your mother?”

_Shit._

I think he sees how quickly my face pales but I still try to save it, shrugging a little before I let out a low breath. “Uhh… he…” I shake my head, trying to keep the trembling in just my pinky finger before I try again. “He was never… violent with me,” I lie, swallowing hard when Robert arches an eyebrow. “I mean, he like… yelled and stuff. And he pushed me once but… it was just my mom that he was… doing this to.”

Robert gives me a look like he doesn’t believe a word I just said and I can’t hold his gaze for long. _Shit. This is harder than I thought it’d be. And god, it’s all a lie._ Dad started this shit with mom but it didn’t stay that way for long. I remember standing between them when I was eight-fucking-years-old. To protect _her._ Cause she’s my mom and that’s what you fucking do for your mom. God, I’m _lying_ for my mom cause that’s what you do. Fuck, is this what I’m supposed to do?

 

* * *

 

It doesn’t take long for mom’s attorney to get everything he needs from me and then he has me sign a bunch of papers before he calls mom into the office. The two of them talk about shit that makes no fucking sense to me but I nod along whenever they look at me, inwardly wishing I’d let Alex talk me out of doing this. _God I feel sick._

Eventually, they start to wrap things up and I get to my feet when mom does, shuffling along behind her. Robert shakes my hand, congratulating me again on the Ravens win and I mumble my thanks before mom and I are heading out of the office.

Mom and I are silent on our way back to the car and I ease myself into the subtle quiet that’s fallen between us. It laps like waves against my sand-riddled bones, washing away even the stubborn grains as I get into the passenger seat of mom’s Audi.

I lean back in the seat, not looking at mom as she gets settled in the car too. I think she says something but that silence is crashing over me like waves and _waves_ of the quiet I’ve been chasing after for what feels like forever now. And it’s pulling at my bones and at my skin, wrapping me in its warm embrace.

I dip my shoulder lower, my head falling softly against the glass of mom’s car window. That quiet turns to exhaustion and my body finally gives up, slipping into dreamland as if I know my way around there instead of only being a casual visitor.

 

* * *

 

That quiet is disturbed by the rumbling of mom’s car and the soft thrumming from the radio. I don’t know what’s playing but it gently pulls me out of sleep and I can’t resent it. I blink a few times, readjusting myself to the afternoon light, before I carefully look mom’s way.

She’s got her gaze focused on the road, a carefree expression on her face as she drives. Her hands are loose on the steering wheel and there’s a soft smile on her face. Every now and then, she nods her head to whatever’s playing on the radio and that one simple action reminds me of how things used to be. When we still lived under the same roof and she’d play records for me after dad would go postal on one of us, making me laugh late into the night just so I wouldn’t cry. And how she’d make root beer floats after school for me and Kwan, and leave money for me to order pizza or go with Kwan to the comic book store across town. I don’t know how things have changed so much between us but she tried then. She _loved_ me then.

I shift a little against the window and count the breaths I draw in until mom turns to look at me. She’s pulled her hair back into a ponytail and somehow it makes her look younger. Like how she always looked when I was a kid. When I’d come home and she’d be stained with paint and the marks dad left on her but she’d be smiling. God, she was _always_ smiling.

Her expression falls for a moment before she gives me a bright smile that doesn’t seem forced. “Hey,” she says, shifting her gaze back to the road. “I figured you could use the rest.”

“Thanks,” I mumble, blinking back the last remnants of sleep before I stretch my arms over my head. I could probably sleep for another couple of hours, I’m so fucking exhausted… but mom’s here and I don’t know when I’m gonna get to see her again.

Mom lets out a soft breath, stealing a glance at me. There’s almost complete silence between us for that moment and it’s no surprise that I’m the one to look away. I’ve missed mom. But this is hard and I run away from every uncomfortable situation that’s ever been thrown at me. I never fucking deal with anything and I hate that everyone in my life just fucking puts up with it.

 “You hungry?” mom asks, completely breaking my train of thought. And I welcome the interruption. I don’t want to think anymore about all the ways I’ve fucked up and how I’ll most likely continue to fuck up. I don’t want to be trapped inside my head, wondering about _everything._ I just want to be here with mom and talk about nothing.

 “Yeah, I’m starving.”

 

* * *

 

Mom and I stop at this diner just outside of Dryden and we both order way too much food for two people but we’re laughing and the conversation is good and I fucking _breathe_ it in. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed having a parent around that I can joke with and not have to worry about going too far and ending up bruised or trying to figure out what kind of game they’re playing this time.

I listen to mom talk about work and I tell her about the championship game, feeling the pride burst inside of my chest when she smiles and congratulates me. She should have been there and it fucking sucks that she wasn’t but it’s okay. _This is okay._

I’m almost finished with my second cup of coffee when mom hesitantly asks if I’ve heard anything else about the college scholarship. I swallow a mouthful of coffee that _burns_ and roughly swipe the back of my hand across my mouth before I look up at her.

Mom’s fidgeting nervously and I wonder if she can sense it. If she’s realized that I found out what she kept from me. God, it’s not like I would have left in my fucking junior year of high school, why the fuck did she keep this from me?

“Yeah, I have,” I respond, dropping my gaze to the table for a second before I look up at her again. “I’ve heard a lot of things actually. From _several_ schools now. And Coach doesn’t think that we’ve heard from the last of them yet.”

She hesitates a second before she smiles, nodding. “That’s... really great. I’m so happy for you, sweetheart. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know that you won’t be living with your father after graduation. You should be out there, making something of yourself. You should never tie yourself down to one place, especially while you’re young. You-“

“I haven’t even accepted yet,” I say, my tone harsher than I meant it to be. I see it in the way my words cut across mom like I’ve backhanded her. But if anyone has the right to feel like they’ve had the breath knocked out of them, it’s me. These last few hours were going so fucking _well_ but I can’t leave it here. I can’t walk away from this shit this time.

I push out a breath, flicking my stare up to meet hers. “Since when did you decide to cheer this on? What – did you realize it’d keep me from moving in with you or something?”

Mom’s eyebrows draw down and she shakes her head. “What are you talking about?” She reaches across the table but stops just short of touching me, her hand falling limply on the table. “Sweetheart, you know I’ve always supported you.”

“Is that why you told Coach not to tell me about the schools that came looking for me last season?” I question, watching the way her eyes widen. _That’s right, mom. I_ know. _And you fucking suck at lying._

“Honey, I… never wanted you to… I was only trying to…” she trails off, her expression pinched as she draws in a breath. Her bottom lip quivers and I hate the way that my instant thought is to apologize. _Fuck._ Is she actually upset or is this some kind of fucked-up act?

I look away from her, drumming my fingers against the table. I stare out the window, watching the heavy clouds overhead that promise snow and exhale out before I turn back to her with a shrug. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m here now and I’ve got these opportunities. So, whatever.”

Mom drops her gaze, nodding. Shit, she’s so good at that. Sending me spinning from one fucking look. I want to apologize, tell her that it’s okay or that I understand but she didn’t even try to fucking _deny_ it. Everything Coach said is true. She kept this from me.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask her. My voice breaks on the few words I speak, destroying the illusion that I’m okay. Destroying the image that I’m untouchable. God, I wanna be fucking untouchable but mom knows how to fuck with me better than anyone.

She looks up at me, her bottom lip between her teeth and tears gathered in her eyes. Her expression is weary. Like she’s practiced forever to hold back these tears but she can’t any longer. I don’t want to see her cry. I’ll fucking break if I see her cry.

“Dash, I was… trying to help. I didn’t want you to… get your hopes up. A lot… of schools look into athletes when they’re young and then it… fizzles out. Nothing comes of it and I didn’t want you to deal with that. I never wanted… to disappoint you,” she says, every word causing her eyebrows to draw down further and more pain to flash across her expression.

I don’t know how much of that’s the truth. Am I an idiot if my desperate heart wants to believe every goddamn word she’s said? Am I an asshole if I don’t want to believe a fucking thing that comes out of her mouth? She’s lied to me before, how do I know when I can trust her?

“Sweetheart, I never would have kept this from you if I wasn’t trying to protect you,” she says, reaching across the table again. This time, she grabs my hand in hers, trying to offer up a smile that’s tainted with her sadness and I don’t want it. I don’t want any of this. “I was trying to protect you.”

I pull my hand from hers, watching her expression fall. “You keep saying that,” I say, everything in me _thrumming_ as I stare back at the woman I used to share birthday cake with and go to the hospital with and fucking _live_ with and I can’t believe a thing she says. Cause she wants to protect me but she isn’t. Her words are empty cause what she _wants_ and what she’s _doing_ are different things and she doesn’t fucking see it.

“You want to protect me but you know there was really only one way to do that. And you didn’t.” I watch her expression fall and I know my steel-tipped words cut through her like glass shards thrown at soft skin but everyone says that the truth hurts. She knows she didn’t have to leave me with dad but she did.

I stand from the booth we’ve been sandwiched in for the past few hours and stretch my arms over my head. Mom doesn’t move an inch but I can’t stay here anymore. I’m tired. I just want to get home and forget that I had to do this today. I repaid the favor I owed her and now this is done. I never have to see her again and I’m trying to be okay with that but it still hurts. Cause she might be a liar and she might not be protecting me the way she claims to be but she’s still my mom. Even if I don’t miss the her that’s here now, I’ll always miss the her that was.

“We should head back. I got some stuff to do in a couple hours,” I lie, shrugging my jacket on before I drop a couple of bills on the table. I don’t know if it covers everything we’ve ordered today but I leave the diner anyway, my every footstep making my heart pound. Cause it’s another step away from her and everything we used to be. This hurts like a stake through my heart but… I’m clinging to the hope that it won’t hurt forever.

 

* * *

 

Mom doesn’t take long in the diner and we’re back on the interstate almost immediately. It’s dead silent in the car and it isn’t the kind I can relax into. This one cuts and burns, leaving my edges raw and jagged.

The silence is only punctuated when my phone vibrates from a text about fifteen minutes after we’re on the road and I silence my phone almost immediately. Mom keeps her gaze on the road when I steal a glance at her before I sink down in my seat, quietly unlocking my phone and navigating to my text conversations.

My heart squeezes painfully when I see Alex’s name on my screen. After everything I’ve put him through, he’s responded to me. Even though I don’t deserve a response after the fucked-up shit I said to him… his words are here on my screen, making me blink really fucking rapidly.

**From: Alex**

**_It’s okay. I’m sorry too. And I hope you know I wasn’t ignoring you. I left my phone in my car and forgot about it_ **

Fuck, how does he make me feel better so easily? I was so fucking positive that I’d fucked-up beyond repair but he’s saying it’s okay and I really fucking want it to be okay. Cause I’ve known Alex almost as long as I’ve been in high school. He’s saved my ass more times than I can count and he doesn’t deserve this kind of shit form me.

Mom exhales out a heavy breath that disturbs the cutting silence we’ve been stuck in since we got back in the car and I hesitate before I look at her. She’s frowning as she stares at the road and my stomach clenches at the silence that continues to stab at me.

“I want you to know… if there was a way I could have taken you with me, I would have. I never would have left you with him if I’d been able to keep you safe,” she says, breaking her staring contest with the road to give me a short glance. “But he would have found us. And I couldn’t imagine putting you through that.”

My breath sticks in my throat and I want to tell her that going with her would have been better than dealing with dad after he realized she was gone but I can’t say a thing. My paper tongue doesn’t know how to do anything other than cut and I don’t want either of us to lose any more blood. We’ve done enough of that my whole life. So I shape my tongue into something that won’t hurt and cushion my words before they fall from my lips, hoping they don’t bruise on the way out.

“I get it, mom. It sucks but I get it,” I mumble, dropping my stare back to my phone when she looks my way again. I don’t want to lie and say that it’s okay or force words of comfort out of my broken lips when I barely know how to comfort myself. Alex was right before. I’m the kid, she’s the adult. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and I wish that I had mom’s help through this. But how am I supposed to get help from the person that’s asked so much of me I’m already breaking at the seams?

 

* * *

 

The drive back to Amity Park feels like it takes twice as long with the stilted silence I can’t seem to drift off into. I feign exhaustion and lean against the window for the rest of the drive and it keeps me from having to talk. Mom lets the radio play softly while I pretend to doze and neither of us says a word until we’re pulling into the parking lot outside of Alex’s garage.

“Thank you,” she says, her voice barely above a whisper as she looks at me. Her expression is fragile, like one wrong move on my part will break her. “You have no idea how much you’ve helped me today.”

I unstick myself from the window and slowly pull the seatbelt off of me before I manage to look at mom. I don’t know what she wants me to say and I can only manage a weak shrug. “Yeah…” I casually mumble, glancing up toward the front of the garage.

It’s only a couple of minutes past six but most of the lights are dark, save for one over a bay that Alex has pulled his Mustang in to work on. The sight makes my chest constrict and I’m instantly moving for the door handle of mom’s Audi.

“Honey, wait,” she says, grabbing my arm before I can get to the door. I hesitate a second before I look at her and her gaze is trained down at the floor. She slowly lets out a breath, only flicking her stare up to me momentarily before she’s looking away again. “I’m… sorry.”

I don’t know what she’s apologizing for and I don’t really want to take the time to figure it out. I wanna talk to Alex, apologize in person instead of over a stupid text message but… it’s mom. And I don’t know how to leave her when she’s like this.

I let out a breath, sinking back into my seat. I hesitate a second before I look up at her again. “For what?”

Mom drops her gaze from mine instantly, exhaling out a breath that shakes. “For everything,” she whispers, immediately pulling me into her arms and wrapping me in a hug that hurts more than it heals. She’s sorry _now_? For everything that’s happened? Leaving me with dad and the shit Coach told me and… all of this? A few months ago, her apology would have been a fucking lullaby to my bruised and broken soul but right now it just stings.

I let her hold me cause I don’t know how the fuck to pull away but god, I want to pull away. I don’t want her to think that it’s okay, I don’t want her to think that I forgive her. Cause this shit still hurts like it was yesterday. And I don’t want to push it all away and pretend that everything’s okay. It’s not okay. It’s not. I can’t fucking say it’s okay, it’s not o-

“I-It’s okay,” I mumble, giving her my best attempt at a smile when she pulls away from me. Her own expression shifts into a wide smile and I feel fucking _sick_ watching her. _This isn’t okay._ Fuck, why can’t this just be okay? Why can’t I accept her fucking apology and not need something more? I don’t even know what the fuck I want from her but she saved Danny’s life and she’s apologizing and today was okay before I decided to be an ass back at the diner and… fuck, why can’t I ever just be happy with what someone offers? Why do I _always_ want more?

 

* * *

 

I stand in the parking lot of the garage for a while, watching mom’s car disappear down the road – headed toward the interstate. Alex is still working on his car and I re-read his text response six times before I find the balls to head inside to talk to him.

Alex slides out from under his car almost as soon as I step into the garage and he slowly raises an eyebrow, his expression cautious. I don’t say anything, my gaze falling to the ground as I come to a stop, and he gets up from his creeper.

There’s a few seconds of silence before he crosses over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder. We don’t say anything at first and I can’t bring myself to look up at him. Every fucked-up thing I said to him before I left is running through my head and shame crawls over me.

“I’m… sorry,” I mumble, more to the pavement than Alex. I hope he can hear the sincerity in my tone cause I mean it. I never should have said that shit. Cause I didn’t mean a damn word of it. He’s more like family to me than my own flesh and blood. And I don’t know why I spit those harsh words at him. He doesn’t deserve that. He shouldn’t have to deal with that shit from somebody like me.

Alex squeezes my shoulder gently. “It’s okay,” he says, even though it’s not. Even though I don’t deserve that kind of forgiveness. He lets out a breath when I won’t look up at him. “Are you okay?”

_No. Everything in my head is a jumbled, fucked-up wreck._ I hate talking about the shit dad does to me. Even just telling _Kwan_ is hard. And mom had me talk to a stranger about this shit. God, and he knows my fucking _teammate._ I wonder how this shit would have played out if I’d taken Keith up on his offer to talk to his uncle all those months ago. If I’d met with this lawyer before today, where would I be with dad?

I shrug, not sure what to say to Alex with all of the shit running through my mind, but he doesn’t seem to need a response. He squeezes my shoulder again, gently shaking me before he steps back, his hand dropping from me.

“I was actually about to close up for the night,” he says, turning around to face his car again. I chance a look up at him, taking in the oil and grease dotted on his shirt. He stretches his arms over his head, exhaling softly before he glances over his shoulder.

Alex meets my gaze before I have the chance to look away and I swallow thickly. I awkwardly shuffle in place, wanting to look away from him but not having the balls to actually do it. I don’t want him to see anything in my expression that lets on how fucked I really am right now. I don’t want _anyone_ to know how much today fucked with me.

He lets out a quiet breath, looking past me and out into the parking lot for a few seconds before his gaze drifts back to me. “I need to head over to my cousin Javier’s bar across town – he called me last night asking if I could come around and take a look at his car after work today,” he says, shrugging once before he pulls his keys from his pocket. He stares down at them for a few seconds before he looks up at me.

“You wanna come with me?” he asks, his tone soft on the question and I find it hard to hold his gaze. I don’t know if I have the right to say yes. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t have the right to tag along with Alex. I pushed him away and he’s asking me to go with him. I don’t have a right to say yes but I don’t want to be alone right now.

I shrug, keeping my gaze on the pavement so he doesn’t see how badly I want to get away for a while and forget everything. I barely look up at Alex as he puts his hand on my shoulder but he must get everything he needs from that one glance.

“Come on, it won’t take me long to fix his car. Ride out there with me and I’ll get dinner on the way back,” he says, nodding when I look up at him. “Just give me a minute to close up here.”

I should tell him no. I should make up some reason why I need to be at home or why I need to be away from him but I can’t. I pushed him away and he’s still taking me back. He’s acting like it’s not a big deal but it has to be. I said _horrible_ things and maybe shit doesn’t tear at him the way it does me but I know that this does. It has to.

 

* * *

 

The drive is quiet until Alex turns on a Spanish album that I don’t understand but it’s soothing and it helps put me a little more at ease. Even though it leaves far too much space for me to think, I don’t find myself being driven insane by my own thoughts. Every time my mind starts going places I shouldn’t think about in the small confines of Alex’s car, I push my thoughts in a different direction. I’ll have time tonight to overthink and torture myself with how Danny’s voice sounded on the phone or the break in mom’s expression when I told her she should have taken me with her.

I’m exhausted from the broken sleep and the time in the car with mom but I don’t fall asleep while Alex is driving. I let my mind drift and I lean against the passenger window, watching the world zip by, but I don’t sleep. There’s too much waiting for me behind my closed lids for me to ever chance sleep so close to someone else.

The bar Alex pulls his car into is sort of familiar – like maybe I’ve passed it during one of my late-night drives. Alex’s cousin, Javier, is nice and Alex is able to figure out what’s wrong with the engine on his car in no time. After agreeing to bring it in over the weekend, Javier invites the two of us inside the bar.

Alex seems to hesitate and when his gaze drifts toward me, I guess he’s worried about bringing me inside. So I’m the one to give Javier a smile and tell him that we’ll stick around for a while.

“You sure you’re okay with this?” Alex asks quietly as Javier leads us inside the bar. I give him a nod and something in my expression must convince him that I’m okay cause he lets it drop.

Javier leads us down to one end of the bar and calls out someone’s name, instructing her to give us whatever we want on the house. That drags a smile into Alex’s expression and he talks fluently in Spanish, ordering the both of us something that I can’t translate.

“Don’t worry, it’s good,” Alex says when the girl behind the bar takes off to fill our order. He leans forward, swiping a bottle cap from further down the bar, rolling it between his fingers as he keeps his stare away from me. “You want to talk about what happened with your mom?”

It stings worse than it should. He’s just asking a question. He’s just asking a damn _question_ but my throat feels tight and I can barely drag in a breath without it shaking. I don’t want to talk about her. I don’t want to even _think_ about her. Today went well, I guess. But it still has me so twisted up inside, I’m not sure I can say a word about it without making this whole situation bigger than it is.

“No,” I practically whisper, swallowing hard before I chance a look at Alex. “I don’t… really have anything to say about it.”

In truth, there’s too much I want to say about it. I want to tell him how it felt to lie to mom’s attorney. How the look on her face after I told her she should have taken me with her still fucking _stings_ even now. I want to tell him how the anger and the sadness are so closely tied to each other, I can’t tell them apart anymore. I hate mom for leaving me with my dad but I get it. I fucking _get_ it.

Alex is quiet as he nods and it isn’t long until the server brings our food up. An oversized burger loaded with onions and bacon stares back at me and one look at Alex’s face tells me how good it’ll be. So I waste no time in digging in and try my fucking hardest to forget about everything else for now.

 

* * *

 

The conversation flows between Alex and I so easily, I lose track of the time and the bar starts to empty around us. When it’s just a handful of people left inside the bar, Alex’s cousin joins us, passing both of us a beer as he sits down.

Even though Alex’s voice is firm when he tells Javier that I’m underage, it doesn’t stop me from drinking. I’ve gotten wasted with my teammates more times than I can count. And it’s not like there’s anybody to stop me from this – my dad’s the fucking police chief.

At first, it’s just Alex and Javier talking about work stuff and then Javier brings up some childhood stories and adventures he had with Alex. It keeps me laughing and distracting me from all of the ugly shit around me so I soak it all up, feeling so fucking grateful that Alex invited me along tonight.

I’m coming back from the bathroom when I hear Alex’s voice, pitched so softly, I know he’s trying to keep the conversation between the two of them. But when Javier responds, I hear him say Alex’s name and the word _death_ so casually placed at the end that it shakes me. It rips the ground from underneath me and leaves my heart pounding. It stops me in my tracks and I’m frozen in the hallway between the men’s room and the rest of the bar.

_What is he talking about? What the hell is he talking about?_

“You know you have to tell him, _primo_ ,” Javier is saying, nodding when Alex manages to raise his stare from his bottle. “I mean it. You know as well as I do that he deserves the truth – he always has.”

Alex lets out a heavy breath, dropping his head into his hands. “I know. And I’ll tell him, just don’t… don’t let him hear it from someone else, okay? If he comes in here, don’t mention it. I’ll tell him just… not yet.”

Alex pushes away from the bar and I hear him say my name but I can’t move a muscle. I can’t move a fucking inch. All the blood in my veins has turned to quicksand and the harder I try to fight against the panic, the more it sucks me in. _What’s going on? What hasn’t he told me?_

I duck back into the men’s room before he can come near me. I lock the door and splash cold water on my face until I hear him knock. He calls my name through the door and after several deep breaths and a long look in the mirror, I find the strength I need to move again.

Alex raises an eyebrow at whatever look is on my face and from the way my stomach lurches, I almost feel like I’m gonna vomit. He says that we’re leaving and I step out of his way, leaving the bathroom door open for him.

I can feel his eyes on me the whole way down the hall but I don’t stop. I can’t stop moving until I’m out in the parking lot, breathing in air that tastes of leftover cigarette smoke and far too much alcohol. _Tell me what’s going on. You can’t keep me in the dark like this._

I twist my fingers around handfuls of my hair, trying to keep myself calm, as I stumble across the parking lot. I make it to Alex’s Charger but I don’t bother to test if it’s unlocked. I just collapse against the passenger door, gulping down air like it’s the last time I’ll ever get the chance again.

My heart is pounding out of my chest and lodged in my throat at the same time but I manage to act calm enough when Alex comes out of the bar. He’s staring down at his keys with a frown and I wonder if he knows. I wonder if the expression was clear on my face. _Alex, please tell me you’re not dying._

He gets in the drivers seat and only a second later, I’m buckled into the passenger seat, my every nerve ending on fire. I don’t want to be the one to bring it up. I don’t know _how_ to bring it up.

“Javier’s a good guy,” Alex says, offering up a smile when I look at him. “He told me to let you know that you’re welcome here any day.”

He puts the car in gear and that’s it. That’s the most conversation he offers up and I know my fragile heart can’t be the one to break the silence. I’ll shatter if I know the truth. If he’s breaking, then I’m already gone. I’m so fucking selfish but I can’t do this without him.

 

* * *

 

It’s a long, quiet drive back to the garage. Even though Alex turns the music on for a while, it doesn’t sit right between us this time. It scratches at my skin and leaves me open, bleeding out on his seats and begging him to be the one to bring it up. That he asks me if I overheard it or if he tells me that I heard it _wrong_.

He pulls into a parking space in front of the garage, letting out a heavy sigh as he turns his engine off. There’s a few, agonizing seconds of silence before Alex looks toward me and I imagine up every possible scenario of this conversation. I imagine the word _death_ tossed around as easily as talk of cars happens at the garage. I don’t know what to say. I’m not ready for this.

“I don’t want to start an argument with you but… I just need to ask you one thing about what happened yesterday,” Alex says, swallowing hard as I finally meet his gaze, the fear probably written all over my fucking face. “When you started that fire the other day… you had a good reason for it, didn’t you?”

_What?_

I blink, not sure that I heard him right, until it hits me. He doesn’t know what I heard at the bar tonight. He thinks the tension between us – that my spacing out – has something to do with the shit that happened yesterday. Or today. Everything that’s not fucking important anymore now that this fear has made itself a home in my chest.

“Uhh… I… y-yeah. I have… a really good reason why I did it,” I practically whisper, afraid to raise my voice and let him hear the way I know it’ll crack. But I’m not lying – I did it for a good reason. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do and I don’t know if Danny will ever talk to me again but I had a good reason for starting that fire. I had to do it to save him.

Alex nods, shifting his gaze away from me and letting us fall into silence again. For a few seconds, neither one of us says a word. But he gives in with a heavy exhale and another nod before he looks back at me. “Then I trust you.”

He’s reaching for the door handle. He’s gonna let this conversation end here. But I can’t. Everything is slamming around inside of me and it’s tearing at my sanity. I can’t let him leave like this. I can’t let him leave without knowing the truth.

“Alex,” I breathe, afraid to speak for fear that I’ll shatter. I don’t want to know the truth. But I _have_ to know the truth. “I-I overheard you talking at the bar tonight.”

He drops his hand from the door, tilting his head to one side in question. For a few seconds, he doesn’t make another move and I’m too scared to say a word. _I don’t want to know. I don’t want to fucking know. Please don’t tell me that you’re leaving me._

“I-I… heard your cousin say something about…” I swallow as a hot flush creeps over me, finally forcing myself to meet his gaze. “A-Alex… are you _dying_?”

He closes his eyes, letting out a heavy breath as he leans back in his seat. Total silence encases the two of us and I can’t breathe until he opens his eyes. Until he’s looking at me and utters the one word I need to keep breathing.

“No,” he says, a tone of finality to his voice that oozes out into another sigh he exhales. “I’m not dying, Dash. What you heard… has nothing to do with me.”

I know what I heard. His cousin said his name. _Why won’t you tell me the truth?_

Alex cuts me off when I try to interject with all my fucking questions and the look he gives me convinces me to stay silent. Even though there’s so much I need to know. Even though there’s so much I need to say. _I’m scared, Alex. I’m so damn scared._

“Javier and I were talking about someone else,” he says, reaching for his door handle again. He closes his hand around it but doesn’t open the door yet. “Let it go, alright? It’s not important.”

I can’t breathe in this silence and I know Alex can see it on my face. Even when I cut my eyes away from him and try my fucking hardest to calm down, I know he can still see it. I can’t find a way to reign in this panic and I don’t even fucking know why. _He’s fine. He said he’s fine._

He lets out a rough breath and puts his hand on my shoulder, giving me a little shake. “Dash, I promise, it has nothing to do with me,” he says, hesitating a second longer before he groans softly. “Look… it’s not that big of a deal. My cousin and I were… we were just talking about my dad, alright?”

I look up at that but Alex’s gaze is downcast now. He nods once, like he’s summoning the strength from somewhere deep inside himself to keep going through this conversation.

“He passed away earlier this year. We were just talking about it,” he says, hesitating a moment longer before he looks up at me. He has the nerve to force a fucking smile after a confession like that. “I promise, I’m fine.”

I swallow hard but my voice still cracks on the few words I manage to spit out. “I didn’t know.”

Alex looks away from me then. His hand leaves my shoulder and when I finally get the nerve to look up at him, he’s chewing on his bottom lip, staring out the windshield. “I know,” he says quietly, swallowing hard before he finishes. “You didn’t know cause I didn’t _want_ you to know.”

He doesn’t look at me as he opens his door and this time, he gets out. He doesn’t close the door and I guess he’s waiting on me to follow him out. But my legs are still weak from the fear coursing through me and it takes me a second to get out after him.

I close the passenger door and look at Alex from across the hood of his car. For a second, the only thing we can do is stare at each other until he recognizes the distance between us. Until he realizes that it’s scratching at me and then he invites me closer with a simple nod.

“I’m sorry,” I say, not sure what I’m apologizing for. I’m sorry that his dad’s gone. I’m sorry that I didn’t know. I’m sorry that I’ve made this about me when he’s the one that needs soft words and quiet promises that everything’s gonna be okay again.

Alex turns his gaze to the sky, a thousand emotions in his expression before he lets all of them go with a heavy sigh. He doesn’t drop his stare to mine but he lowers his gaze just a little. “It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize.”

I swallow hard, my hands nervously running through my hair and toying with the hem of my shirt. I don’t know what to do in this silence. I don’t know what to say. Whatever I’m thinking – whatever I’m _feeling_ – doesn’t matter in this moment.

“H-How’s your mom doing?” I find myself asking before I really think it through. I almost lose the nerve to speak again when Alex looks at me but words tumble out before I can stop them. “Cause if… if you guys need anything, I can… I don’t know, I can help out with something? If there’s… something I can do, just let me know?”

Alex sighs heavily, looking away from me as he shakes his head. “My parents have been separated for years. She’s fine, Dash,” he says and it almost feels like there’s a hint of resentment in his tone. Like he hates having to tell me that. _I’m sorry, Alex. I didn’t know. I didn’t fucking know._

I try to speak again, convincing myself that I’m helping, but Alex cuts me off before I get more than a few words out. The silence falls between us again in the moments after he calls my name and I  can feel my heart pounding in my chest when he won’t look at me.

“H-How long has it been?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper on the selfish, _selfish_ question. It’s not my place to ask. I don’t have a _right_ to ask. But the words are out of me and I can’t take them back now, no matter how hard I try.

Alex meets my gaze this time and there’s such an intensity in his eyes that I choke. I falter over all my broken apologies and I can’t find a damn word to speak. _I’m an idiot. I’m sorry I’m such a fucking idiot._

“The day that car almost fell on you,” he states plainly, a moment of silence passing between us before he continues. “When you forgot to put the kickstands under the car you were working under? That’s the day I found out.”

_Fuck._ The ground almost drops out from underneath me and I _hate_ myself for making this about me again. That’s what was going on that day. That’s why he was off – why he and Anastasia spent _hours_ in his office together and that’s why Anastasia spent the night with us. Their dad died. Their dad had _just_ died and I go and make it about _me._

Alex doesn’t let me make an apology even though it’s on the tip of my tongue, _burning_ to get out. He cuts me off with a broken sigh that sounds heavier and more splintered than I’ve ever heard him sound before.

“I don’t really want to talk about it,” he says softly, meeting my gaze as he sinks his teeth into his bottom lip. “I hope you can understand that.”

_Of course. Of course I can fucking understand that._ He doesn’t want to talk about the day his dad died while I’ve spent the past few weeks bitching to him about _my_ dad. The one that’s still alive and despite all the fucking shit between us lately, he’s trying. He’s trying again and all I can do is fucking bitch about him. I can only imagine what I look like to Alex.

I nod, swallowing hard, keeping down everything that’s threatening to burst out of me. “Of course,” I practically whisper, not meeting Alex’s gaze when he looks back at me. I don’t want to make this about me. It’s _not_ about me. It’s about him and whether or not there’s anything I can do to help him. Cause he’s always done _everything_ for me.

“I’m here if you need anything,” I practically whisper, shaking like a fucking leaf under his gaze. I didn’t know when it happened but I know now. And I’ll do _anything_ he asks me to. Cause I was so fucking wrong before, Alex isn’t nothing – he’s _everything_ to me.

He exhales out again and I catch sight of his breath hanging in the air between us, drifting higher and higher in the night sky until it disappears. Until I can’t avoid looking at him anymore.

“I don’t want you worrying about me,” he says, his tone gentle but firm on the words. “I mean it, you have enough on your plate without adding my life to it. I’m _fine_ , Dash. I don’t need you to worry about me.”

“I will anyway,” I blurt out, swallowing hard when he sighs again. “I’m sorry, it’s just… I-I care about you. And if something’s going on, I-I want to help.”

He chews on the inside of his lip in the silence that’s fallen between us and there’s a few, _long_ seconds before he makes a move. He nods toward the garage, taking a step away from me. “Come on, you should get your car out of here,” he says, starting away from me.

I stare after him but I don’t let him get too far away before I’m following after him. I don’t know if he’ll talk to me about his dad and how fucking horrible he must be feeling. I don’t know if he doesn’t want to tell me cause of the shit I’m going through or if he just doesn’t want to tell _me._ I tell him everything but maybe he doesn’t see me the way I see him. It doesn’t matter if all that he says is just an ember or if he spills a whole goddamn fire at my feet – I’ll be here for him either way. He hasn’t given up on me, there’s no way in _hell_ I’m giving up on him.

 

* * *

 

I don’t know what time I fall asleep but it feels like I’ve only been sleeping a few hours when my alarm goes off in the morning. I blindly turn it off and go through the motions of the morning – shower, get dressed, get out the door.

Kwan’s texted me a bunch but I don’t feel like responding to any of it yet. I’ll see him at school and I know he’ll figure out that I’m fucked from one look at my face. Danny isn’t gonna talk to me today so I don’t bother paying attention to what I put on – I just get dressed and start downstairs, ready to get the bullshit of today over with.

Dad’s waiting for me in the kitchen and even though I try to slink out unnoticed, he calls my name and I’m forced to retrace my steps. I drop my shoes and backpack in front of the door and start back for the kitchen, the exhaustion present in my movements.

“Trouble sleeping?” he asks, his expression concerned like he cares. Like he’s ever cared. I don’t know anymore – maybe I’ve always just been so fucking ungrateful. Alex’s dad isn’t here anymore and I should learn to fucking appreciate my own cause at least he’s still _alive_.

I shrug, running one hand through my hair before I adjust the toggles on my sweatshirt just to give myself something to do. “Yeah, I guess.”

He hesitates a second before he holds out a paper bag toward me. “Here,” he says quietly and the hesitation in his tone isn’t lost on me. He’s nervous… but I have no fucking clue why. This is my _dad_ – he doesn’t have anything to be nervous about.

“I made you lunch,” he says, a smile easing into his expression as I take the bag from him. He stands a little straighter, his smile widening. “It’s not much really but… I thought leftover steak might be better than the cafeteria food.”

I’m torn. I don’t know what kind of game he’s playing here. I’ve never asked him for anything like this – and he’s _never_ done this before. _What did I do? What does he_ know _that I did? What kind of trap is he setting for me?_

“Dad…” I trail off, my grip on the bag tightening as I look up at him. Everything in me is screaming at me to just shut up but I find the strength to talk cause I know if I don’t, this shit will pick at me until the day it all stops. “You’re cooking me steak, home every night, and now you’re making me lunch? What’s this about?”

He drops his gaze from me, his expression pinched as he lets out a quiet breath. Everything about him is quiet today and I don’t get it. He’s never made a fucking effort to be quiet before. _What do you know? What are you trying to catch me in?_

“Son… there are things between us that I can’t change. Things I’ve done that are… unforgiveable,” he says, looking up at me as a breath rattles from him. “And there’s nothing I can do but apologize to you. For everything.”

_What the fuck?_

Dad nods like he wasn’t waiting on me to say anything and I guess he wasn’t. He starts talking like he’s had this whole thing fucking _planned_ and he doesn’t miss a single point in his mind. He hits everything and I nearly hit the floor at everything he confesses.

“I’ve screwed up with you a lot, Dash – your mother too. And there’s no excusing it and no denying it. I was wrong – all these years, I’ve been wrong,” he says, looking up and it scares me. The honesty I can see in his eyes is terrifying, shaking my every foundation. _He means this. Why the fuck does he mean this?_

My throat is dry and it _hurts_ to speak but I make myself. Cause I have to know. “Dad… where’s this coming from?”

He won’t look at me at first and that scares me more than it should. I can handle his anger – his _rage_ – but this… I don’t even know what _this_ is. How am I supposed to deal with something that I don’t even know? My childhood has always prepared me for his harsh words and angry blows. It’s never taught me how to handle his splintered apologies and hesitation. _I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do, dad. Tell me._

“The station got a call a few days back,” dad says, heaving a huge sigh but refusing to look at me as he shakes his head and keeps going. “A couple of campers up by the river that separates Elmerton from Amity Park noticed something floating in the water. They didn’t know it was actually _someone_ floating in the water.”

Dad swallows hard and when his eyes fall closed again, I feel my hands start to shake no matter what I try to tell myself. There’s no reason for this panic. There’s no fucking reason for this panic. Yet I’m panicking cause it’s all I know how to do. It’s all I’ll _ever_ know how to do.

“I was the one who had to tell the boy’s parents that he was gone. That the pathologist had found a suicide note on his body and…” dad lets out a sigh that shakes and when he looks up at me again, the sight of tears in his eyes makes my blood run cold. “All I could think of was you. How I’ve wasted so much time with you and how… you’re still here. After everything I’ve done to you, you’re still here.”

He gruffly exhales out, taking half a step toward me that I match with one step backward. He stops then, his shoulders falling as we hold each other’s gaze and I hate this. He’s trying to apologize – or tell me what’s pushed him to this point. I don’t know how to react. I don’t fucking know.

“I know that I’ve screwed up a lot, son. I _know_ that,” he breathes, his expression pinched as he watches me. “But I want to fix it. I want to fix us and if you’ll let me… I _promise_ , things are going to be different around here.”

I don’t want this. I don’t want any of this. I’ve waited so long for dad to fix things but I don’t want it anymore. I’m too selfish for this. I’m way too fucking selfish for this. _It’s not enough. Your apology isn’t enough, dad. Look at me – look at what I’ve become because of you. Tell me how an apology fixes any of this._

“Dad, I…” I can’t do this. I can’t stand here and pretend that everything’s okay between us. That his simple words fix all of the broken parts of me. I stuck by him cause I never had a choice. Mom left me here but I would have gone with her in a heartbeat. I don’t want to do this anymore but he’s all I have. He’s all I’ve got left. Alex and Anastasia don’t have their dad anymore. I shouldn’t fucking waste this chance but I _can’t_ do this.

I look away from him, afraid everything running through my mind will suddenly show on my face and he’ll see right through me. He’ll see how badly I just want to get away from him. _I don’t want this anymore. It’s too late. It’s too goddamn late._

“I’m… gonna be late for school,” I manage to say, and I can’t lift my stare up to his again. I don’t want to see the expression on his face and I don’t want him to see the look in my eyes. I know he’ll know the way that I feel with one look into my eyes so I don’t give him the chance.

Dad doesn’t say anything as I leave the room and I don’t fucking know why but it _stings_. He’s apologized. He wants to fix this shit between us. That should be enough. _It should be enough._ But I’m selfish. I’m too caught up in what I want and I can’t ever just be happy with what I’ve fucking got. I _always_ want more.

 

* * *

 

I’m late getting to school. Despite leaving on time and not making any stops, I’m late for biology. I took a few back roads and ended up screaming at the sky, asking for some kind of sign that this isn’t one of dad’s traps but it’s gotten me nowhere. I don’t know anything.

Fate must have it out for me today because the only person still in the parking lot when I pull my car in is Danny. He’s sitting on the trunk of his car, staring down at his phone screen, and I know there’s no avoiding this. He has a right to be angry with me – he has a right to fucking _hate_ me – but not today. _Please don’t do this today._

I get out of my car, backpack on and heart in my throat, and make my way across the lot and up to the front doors.

Danny calls out to me before I make it to the stairs and I don’t know if it’s the conversation with dad or what Alex told me last night or all of mom’s fucking _shit_ but I snap. I feel it all bubble up inside my chest and it comes out in a rush of words hurled at Danny that he doesn’t fucking deserve.

“Please not today,” I cough out, turning to look at him, my heart pounding in my chest as everything in me starts to shake. “Please, Danny, I know… I know that I fucked up and I _know_ that you hate me but please… just give me until tomorrow? I… I can’t do this today.”

I turn for the door again, too ashamed of the tears pricking in my eyes to even hear his response. But he calls my name again and I stop. Cause his voice is soft and my heart is so fucking hard lately. I don’t want to fight with him. I _can’t_ fight with him.

“Come here, you idiot. I’m not going to yell at you,” Danny calls again, and even though he doesn’t owe me that kindness, I take it. I give in to him and leave the stairs, moving over to his car in a heartbeat.

He passes me a cup of coffee as soon as I’ve collapsed on the trunk of his car and I stare down at it, trying to understand what he’s doing. If he’s buying me coffee, surely he doesn’t hate me. Or maybe this is just a way to soften the blow.

Danny sips from his own cup, leaning back on his trunk in such a carefree way, I can’t help but envy him. I know his life isn’t perfect. I know he’s got his own shit to deal with but I fucking _envy_ him. He makes this look easy and I’m fucking drowning. _Teach me how to swim, Danny. I can’t do this on my own._

“I was wrong,” he says softly and when I chance a look at him, he’s staring down at his cup like it holds all the answers. Like everything he needs to say in this moment is somewhere in his coffee.

He blows out a breath, looking up at me with a screwed up look on his face. “Dash… I feel horrible for what I said to you the other day,” he says softly, driving me fucking _wild_ when he sinks his teeth into his bottom lip. “You were just trying to help me and you thought you were doing the right thing and I…”

Danny sighs, shaking his head as his gaze drifts away from me. “The thing is… I don’t even know what the right thing is anymore. Maybe the fire got those agents looking in a different direction. Or maybe this is just going to lead them right to me.” He looks at me again, shrugging as a shaky laugh leaves him. “I don’t know. I don’t know anymore, Dash. I just know that you were trying to help me and I threw it back in your face because I’m _scared_.”

I don’t know what to say but I’m scared too. I’m _terrified_ that I’ll get another call from him in the dead of night and this time, I won’t be fast enough. This time, I won’t be able to _save_ him. I’m doing everything I can to help him. And maybe I’m wrong but I’m _trying_. I don’t think that I can stop myself even if he asks me to.

“I’m sorry,” I breathe, looking away from him as I fight against the fear springing to life in my chest. “I should have asked you first and I… I don’t know what I was thinking. I just couldn’t watch something else happen to you.”

He groans softly, scooting closer to me. “I _know_ ,” he says softly, leaning against me a little. “The point is… I appreciate that you’re trying to help me. I’ve just been so scared of doing the wrong thing that I took it out on you and I shouldn’t have. It’s just… I’ve never had anyone do something like that for me. I’ve never had anyone care this much.”

_I don’t just care about you. Danny, I love you. I fucking love you. And I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry that someone like me has fallen for someone like you. This will never work. But I want you so fucking badly and I’m too damn selfish to let go of this dream._

I end up with my head in my hands, my coffee abandoned in the space between us. I link my hands behind head, trying to steady my breathing but I know Danny can hear it. It’s too quiet in the parking lot for him to ignore this.

His hand on my back is startling but it’s warm and I’m so goddamn _cold._ I lean into his touch, dragging in oxygen that feels like some kind of hit as it enters my lungs. I don’t know where to start but when he softly asks me what’s going on, I find myself spilling words that should never have left my mouth.

I tell him about my dad and how things have been so fucking weird between us. I tell him that dad actually _apologized_ to me and that I don’t know what to do. That I’m so fucking confused, I just want this all to go back to the way it was. I’d take his punches and his anger rather than his hesitation and his apologies. I don’t know what to do with them and I don’t fucking _want_ them.

Danny waits in silence, giving me the space to talk about anything other than my dad but that’s all I’ve got. I can’t make it through a conversation about my mom without splintering and everything with Alex doesn’t sit right on my lungs when I think about it. His dad’s gone and I’m bitching about mine _again._ Cause I’m selfish. Cause I’m _always_ selfish.

“What are you gonna do?” Danny asks softly and I don’t know how to answer him.

I don’t know what I’m doing from here. I want to believe my dad. I want this shit between us to be over. I don’t want to come home every day, wondering if I’ll end up in the hospital by the end of the night. I’m eighteen now. I can move out whenever the fuck I want to but where would I go? It’s not like I can afford my own place. And I can’t be someone else’s fucking problem.

“I don’t know,” I admit, running my hands through my hair before a shaky sigh leaves me. “It’s… weird, Danny. It’s really confusing right now and I don’t… I don’t know what I do from here.”

He leans against me again, his warmth making me lean into him – making me _want_ him. The butterflies don’t have a fucking right to show up now but they’re electrified in my gut, making me feel so fucking alive in this moment.

“Danny, I thought… I didn’t think you were ever gonna talk to me again,” I breathe, shame crawling over me at the tears I can feel behind my closed lids. I don’t want to do this now. I _can’t_ do this now. But I’m doing it and I know Danny can tell how close I am to breaking.

He tsks softly, tugging me into his open arms and holding me against his chest. My arms fit around his back and I cling to him like he’s the only thing I’ve got left. I don’t know where I go from here. I don’t know what happens from here. I just know that I can figure it out as long as I’ve got Danny. If he’s still with me, I know I can face down anything.

 

* * *

 

I stay in the parking lot with Danny for as long as we can both spare but he tells me that he’ll be late for an appointment with his therapist if he doesn’t leave so I let him go. I don’t want to face school alone but I go inside cause I know that I can’t go home right now. I can’t be back in that house until I figure this shit out. Until the thought of seeing dad again doesn’t make my heart jump inside my chest.

My social studies teacher acts like I’ve committed the greatest sin on the planet when I walk into his class cause I’m a couple of minutes late. I want to ask him what the fuck the big deal is cause it’s one stupid class and I’ve been busting my _ass_ since this school year began but I don’t say anything. I just let him get all his anger out until he runs out of steam and lets me go.

I collapse into a seat beside Keith, giving him a look when he raises his eyebrows. He takes in my expression before he moves his backpack to his desk and hides his phone behind it. I only watch him type for a few seconds before I move my backpack the way his is.

My phone vibrates in my hand as I tug it from my pocket and I switch the ringer off so the teacher won’t have something else to yell at me about.

**From: Keith**

**_Is everything okay? Kwan seems worried about you…_ **

Of course he’s worried about me. I’ve barely talked to him the past couple of days and I skipped school two days in a row. I get it. He’s worried cause I don’t do shit like this. If I’m not coming in, I text him. Kwan shouldn’t have to fucking worry about me and if I was a decent fucking person, I would have responded to the texts he’s sent the past couple of days.

**To: Keith**

**_Don’t act like you’re not only concerned cause Kwan’s involved ;p_ **

I try to play it off cause I don’t want to deal with this shit right now and judging from how Keith reacts, I guess I made the right call.

**From: Keith**

**_Hey! That’s not why I’m asking_ **

His red face would have me believe otherwise. I badly conceal my snort and the teacher looks back at the two of us. Years of practice with dad has me able to shift my face into a neutral expression, mastering the art of pretending like I’m staring off into nothing.

I wait until his attention is on the rest of the class again and he’s rambling on about whatever shit we’re supposed to be learning today before I turn back to my phone. I can feel Keith giving me a pointed look and I almost lose it again at the text he’s sent me.

**From: Keith**

**_Shut up, I hate you_ **

**To: Keith**

**_You make this too easy, Keith_ **

**From: Keith**

**_Ugh_ **

**From: Keith**

**_Seriously though_ **

**From: Keith**

**_You okay?_ **

I lean back in my seat, lifting my gaze to the classroom as everything that’s happened lately hits me again. Shit is so fucked up right now. Everything with my dad and my mom is tearing at me and I hate that I’m not supposed to be worrying about Alex when he’s all I want to fucking focus on. And Danny… god I almost fucking lost Danny. The last good thing about my life almost slipped from my hands but he’s too kind for his own good and he’s giving me another chance. And if that’s all I focus on, I’m not lying when I answer Keith’s question.

**To: Keith**

**_Yeah, I’m good_ **

 

* * *

 

School lasts forever. Kwan ends up skipping a class to sit with me during my spare and I tell him more than I told Danny. I spill my fucking _guts_ about my mom and everything dad said to me today comes tumbling out too. I don’t know how I keep my sanity but once I make it through the conversation and we go our separate ways for classes, I know I can’t stick around for the rest of the day.

I end up driving around for _hours_ , trying to outrun this loneliness or whatever the _fuck’s_ wrapped so tightly around me but it doesn’t work. I just end up running out of gas and almost breaking down in the fucking parking lot of the gas station cause everything is hitting me again.

Even though all I want to fucking do is be at the garage, fixing things that can actually be fixed, I don’t want to push Alex. If I was him, I think I’d want space so I give it to him and I go home instead. And even though dad’s not there yet, it doesn’t fill me with the relief I so desperately need.

I spend the rest of the day curled up on my mattress, alternating between listening to old boy-band playlists and scrolling through Facebook. Thinking makes my chest ache but I can’t keep my mind from wandering over everything that’s happened.

I don’t know what time it is when dad comes home but I’m still laying on my bed in the clothes I went to school in, my shoes and backpack discarded on the floor. I’m back to scrolling through Facebook and I silence the playlist when I hear dad on the stairs.

It’s too soon to see him again but it’s too late to run away now. This is one thing I can’t run away from. Like it or not, I have to face dad and make a fucking decision about this shit. I’m not capable of controlling the way my heart will pound whenever he’s near but I take a deep breath to steady myself and turn to look at the door when he opens it.

Dad raises an eyebrow at me and I glance back at my phone to catch the time. It’s just past ten and I barely remember when the sun dipped behind the clouds. I’ve been laying here so long, I don’t remember the last thing I did when I came inside earlier.

“You feeling alright?” he asks, taking the few strides to my bed. I should feel more nervous at his closeness but I don’t. Maybe it’s everything he said. Maybe it’s everything he _didn’t_.

I shrug, flicking my stare up to his with a hard swallow. He frowns, brushing the back of his hand along my forehead and I close my eyes at the touch. “Are you sick?” he asks, his touch lingering on my skin. “It doesn’t feel like you have a fever.”

Dad’s touch is gentle for fucking _once_ and I let myself cling to it for a few silent seconds before I push out a breath and look up at him. “I’m okay,” I mumble. I feel like I should offer up a smile but I know it’d be weak and I’d look pathetic.

My stomach decides now is the time to join the conversation and lets out a loud growl. Dad’s eyebrows draw down further and he exhales out, his hand dropping from my forehead. “Well… I brought home a pizza. You feel up to having a slice with me?”

In truth, I could go for the entire damn thing. I don’t know if I’m ready yet to sit in a room with dad again – not with the weight of everything he said pressing down on me. But… it’s _dad._ Who knows how long this change of heart will last or when I’ll ever get this chance again?

“Yeah, okay…” I mumble, gingerly sitting up when he takes a step back from my bed. He gets to the door before I speak again, my voice a little shaky with every word. “Can we uhh… can we watch a game or something?”

Dad frowns for only a second before his expression brightens and he smiles. A real smile, not something he’s forcing for my benefit or for anyone at work. This expression on his face is the way he used to look. Before mom left. Before he started using me as his punching bag. God, even _after_ that. The same expression he wore when he used to take me fishing and cheer me on at every little league game I ever played. He looks like my dad again and it’s killing me.

“Sure, son. Whatever you want.”

 

* * *

 

I don’t know how long dad and I hang out together, eating pizza and talking about school and work before I start to drift off to sleep. I’m dozing against the armrest of the couch when dad gets up, jostling me in the process.

Dad gives me a smile when he sees my eyes flutter open and he drapes a blanket over me. “Get some rest, kiddo. I’ll see you in the morning,” he says. His words are the last thing to register in my mind before my mind gives in to the blackness and I slip into a cold, hard sleep.

I think I dream once I’m asleep but it’s all dark figures and shadows – completely undistinguishable from the rest of the blackness. Alex’s face appears a couple times and it almost drags me from sleep but I crash back into the darkness after a few seconds.

A couple of times, dad’s voice breaks through the veil and I barely open my eyes before his tone is gone again. It isn’t until his loud, angry voice sounds that I wake with a start, a cold sweat trickling down the back of my neck.

I bolt upright on the couch, my bleary stare taking in the living room at once. Dad’s standing by the front door, his gaze cast my way, the sunlight streaming in through the open door. I have just enough time to run a hand down my face before someone else’s voice cuts through the noise.

“Baxter, you better let me fucking talk to him.”

Dad’s stare lazily drifts to the front door again and he arches an eyebrow. “Hugh, I don’t have to do anything.” _Hugh…? What’s Paulina’s dad doing here?_ Dad glances my way before he nods toward the door again. “You can see him when you’ve cooled off. You need to calm down.”

“Fuck, Howard! Put yourself in _my_ shoes,” Hugh demands. “What the fuck am I supposed to do now? He fucking owes me an explanation.”

I swing my legs off the couch, giving dad a questioning look when he looks my way. I take a few steps toward him and he shakes his head. _What the hell is going on?_

Hugh suddenly pushes against dad and manages to slip past him, stumbling several paces inside the house. For a second, we just stare at each other, and I try to figure out why the fuck he’s here and why he looks pissed as hell but he charges toward me before I can.

“You fucking son of a bitch,” he spits, taking a swing at me. I duck from his badly aimed hit and look past him, at dad, my mind running at hyper-speed, trying to figure out why Paulina’s dad is aiming for me. _What the fuck is going on?_

I stumble back a few paces, holding my hands out toward him. “Wait, what’s… what’s going on?” I ask, glancing toward dad again. Hugh manages to clock the underside of my jaw and dad calls his name before he pushes Hugh back a pace. His gaze sweeps over my face before he turns his back to me, standing in between me and Hugh now. Dad folds his arms over his chest and stares hard at him.

They have an entire conversation with one look but I’m left in the dark. I don’t exactly _miss_ getting punched by my ex-girlfriend’s dad but I don’t understand what the fuck is going on. And after all the fucking shit I’ve been through lately, I think I deserve to know why someone’s throwing punches at me.

Hugh shifts his gaze to mine, his eyebrows drawing down when dad moves in front of me more, blocking my body with his, and it makes the breath stick in my throat. He’s… protecting me. I can’t remember the last time dad stood up to someone for me but he’s doing it now. After so much goddamn shit has happened, he’s protecting me.

“Go home, Sanchez,” dad says and I watch Hugh’s expression twist into something ugly before he scoffs, jerking his head toward me.

“Maybe someone should have told _him_ that. Then we wouldn’t be in this fucking mess,” he spits and I can’t stay silent anymore. I don’t know what the fuck is going on but I hate that he’s talking about me like I’m not even here.

My voice trembles on the few words I say but they’re enough. “What’s going on?”

Hugh meets my stare with his cold one and I audibly swallow under the look he’s giving me. _Shit, what the hell is he so pissed about for?_

“You got my daughter pregnant,” Hugh says, his tone and expression cold as my entire fucking _world_ shifts. _Pregnant… what the fuck?_ I haven’t been with Paulina for _months_ how can… _fuck_. Shit, how the fuck did this happen?

The floor drops from underneath me and I think I stumble back a pace but I’m not entirely sure. I open and close my mouth so many times but nothing comes out. The only word my mind keeps hammering over and over again in my mind is _pregnant._ How the fuck can she be-

“I better _never_ see you around my daughter again. If I see you with her, I’ll kill you, you understand? I’ll fucking k-“

“Hugh, that’s enough!” dad shouts over him, stepping between us again when it looks he’s gonna come after me. They stare at each other for a second before dad sighs, pointing at the door. “Just get out of here, Hugh. Come on, just go.”

There’s a split second of silence before Hugh leaves, his every footstep loud and pounding against the floor. The breath that leaves me is rattling and my legs are trembling beneath me. I don’t know how but I find my way back to the couch and sink down on one end, not even sure if I’m breathing anymore.

Dad stands in front of the door, watching as Hugh disappears down the walk, and I can’t think straight. I can’t make sense of any of this. I end up with my head in my hands, my fingers twisting around strands of my hair as I try to breathe this in. As I try to _accept_ it.

Paulina’s pregnant. That’s what this comes down to. My ex-girlfriend is pregnant. Holy _fuck_ , she’s pregnant. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can’t fucking do this, I never thought this was ever a possibility. We’ve _always_ been careful, how the fuck did-

“Dash,” dad’s voice cuts through the silence and I look up at him. He gives me a look like he’s been trying to get my attention for a while but if he has, I never heard a word. My brain’s too clogged up with all of… this.

He puts a hand on my shoulder, squeezing hard before he lets out a breath. “I’m guessing she hasn’t talked to you about this yet,” he says. I don’t know if he’s waiting on some kind of response but I can’t form a single thought in my head other than Paulina.

_Paulina._

I need to talk to her. Even if she didn’t plan on telling me before, I know now. And I think we owe it to ourselves to talk about this shit. I don’t know what the fuck needs to be said but I know she’ll know. _God, I hope she knows._

Dad takes a step back when I stand from the couch, my legs quaking under me with every step I take but I manage to make it halfway up the stairs before he calls my name. I look back at him but there’s nothing I can say. My mouth opens and closes a few times before I’m bounding up the stairs again, searching for my phone as soon as I step foot into my room.

I sink down onto my bed, every part of me on _fire_ as I open the last conversation I had with Paulina. On my birthday. When she offered to have a slice of fucking cake with me. _Fuck, how long has she known?_ My hands are shaky and my leg bounces nervously as I type. I have to rewrite my text a million fucking times before I just hit send and literally hold my fucking _breath_ as I wait for her to type back.

**To: Paulina**

**_Your dad just came by, yelling at me. Paulina, the shit he was saying… is it true?_ **

I run a hand down my face, staring down at my screen in fucking agony as I wait for her response. I only move to change my clothes when the silence starts to scratch at me. _How long has she known? Was she ever going to tell me? How the_ fuck _am I supposed to be a dad?_

My every thought chokes me and I start to panic, clutching handfuls of my hair and pacing back and forth in front of my bed. _How the fuck do I do this? What am I supposed to say?_ We’ve always been so careful every time we’ve been together, how did this happen?

I practically break my neck to get to my bed when my phone vibrates softly against the mattress. I grab the device up, my heart hammering in my chest as I try to keep the panic at bay for a little while longer.

**From: Paulina**

**_Is what true?_ **

Shit. She _wasn’t_ gonna tell me. _Oh fuck, how do I do this? How do I tell her I know?_ Fuck, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to fucking do this.

I pace my floors again, clutching my phone in my hand as I walk, thinking over every possible response I could give her. Everything my mind is coming up with is too blunt and it makes me sound scared. Fuck, I _am_ scared. I’ve never done this before. _And I’m so fucking scared._

We need to have a conversation about this but I can’t find the fucking words to type a goddamn text. My heart is pounding and panic is starting to scratch at my insides with every passing second. I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this.

**To: Paulina**

**_He said you’re pregnant_ **

My heart slams around inside my chest painfully and I sink down onto my bed, my hands shaking and my breath trembling. I drop my phone on my bed and knot my fingers in my hair, trying to keep from fucking _panicking_ over this.

Fuck, I don’t know the first thing about being a dad. What does this mean for her? What happens now? Can she graduate high school with this baby? Can she go to _college_ with this baby? …can _I_?

I’ve only had the possibility of getting out of Amity Park and playing for a college team for a couple of weeks. It’s selfish but I can feel this chance being ripped away from me and I don’t want to let it go. I want go after this with everything I’ve got and show everyone that I can do this but… I can’t leave Paulina to do this alone. Maybe she never planned on telling me, maybe she was gonna keep this from me but… I know now. And I’m not gonna leave all the responsibility on her.

My phone vibrates softly and I let out a breath, slowly letting go of my hair. I lift my head just far enough to look at my phone screen but I don’t read the words she’s sent back. It doesn’t matter if she was never gonna ask for my help or tell me that she’s having my kid. I have to be there for her. This is my responsibility too.

I stretch one arm out to grab my phone, steeling myself before my shaky hand brings my phone close enough for me to read her response.

**From: Paulina**

**_Dash… we should really talk in person. Can you meet me somewhere?_ **

It’s not what I expected and it only renews the anxiety swirling in the pit of my stomach but I swallow hard and send back, “ _okay”_ , reading over her message a final time before I pocket my phone and go through the motions of getting my shoes and car keys and everything that doesn’t fucking matter. She’s right. We need to talk about this in person. I don’t care what she has to say, there are things that need to be done in person. And I never thought I’d have this kind of conversation but I’m not having it over the fucking phone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… I’m not one of those author’s that does horrible cliff-hangers, huh?
> 
> Yoooo! Thanks for checking out this update, I really appreciate it! Today (February 3rd) marks the two year anniversary of when I first posted this fic. It’s amazing to think that this story has lasted so long and I’ve made so much progress on it since then. Thank you all for sticking with this story, it means the world to me. Your comments and encouragement keeps this story going so thank you. Words can’t express how much I appreciate all of you
> 
> After a chapter of this magnitude, I feel like I should have more to say. But I’ve been working on it for close to a month and I’ve written and rewritten it almost entirely. The core of it is still there but certain events have changed so far from their original portrayals, it’s hard to keep it all straight for me. Honestly, I don’t know if this chapter is as much of a trainwreck as it feels but it’s something so… I hope you’ve enjoyed it
> 
> Dash setting the fire was never in this chapter when I wrote it the first time. But through edits, I knew it needed to happen. It sets things in motion for future events and it adds a sense of urgency that this chapter desperately needed
> 
> The phone call between him and Danny was exhilarating for me to write. It was one of those scenes where I didn’t have to stop and think about what I was writing – it just came to me naturally. I went back and forth on how I wanted their make-up scene to go but overall, I’m happy with the way it came out. The boys sharing coffee on the trunk of one of their cars seems to be their thing
> 
> Now you all know why Howard’s being suspiciously nice – certain things in life have made him realize the things he’s done and he’s trying to make a change. He’s trying to make it better for Dash and he knows that it starts with him *hums Man In The Mirror in the background*
> 
> The pregnancy thing, huh? I know you’re all probably losing your goddamn minds over that part. It’s definitely a storyline I’ve been waiting to get to – and hoping that most of you stick around. I don’t want to spoil anything for you but what comes of next chapter greatly affects Dash and the people he cares about. It’s heavy and emotional but I wouldn’t have it any other way ;P
> 
> Honestly, there’s a lot I could say about this chapter. It’s thirty thousand words. It took me a week to write the first time and nearly a month to essentially rewrite it. There are so many events and elements coming into play and I’d love to delve into all of them but I’ll leave it at that
> 
> The chapter title I chose this time comes from Steel Bars by Michael Bolton, a really great song and though I don't think as a whole it's reflective of this chapter, that line definitely is. A few other top contenders are Forest Fires by Lauren Aquilina, You by Switchfoot, Wolves by Selena Gomez, and Arsonists Lullaby by Hozier. There's a playlist for 64 on my Spotify - just search for jaeger-soul and you should be able to find it
> 
> As always, your thoughts and comments are so greatly appreciated so let me know what you’re thinking. Drop me a review/comment or hit me up on tumblr – I’d love to hear from you
> 
> Next chapter, you can expect Dash coming to terms with what this means for his future, more of Howard trying to make amends, time between the boys, and anything I decide to add in during editing – who knows what’ll make it in there at this point
> 
> I hope you’ve enjoyed this update and I’ll see you all for the next one. And hey – thanks for two years with Stay!


	65. Winter Took Most Of My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: talk of abuse and of abuser

I think about a lot of shit on my way to the Starbucks that Paulina and I agreed to meet at.

I go over everything I can remember about the last time I was with Paulina, sometime after the beach, but we used a condom that night. We've  _always_ used some kind of protection. Even when we were both awkward virgins in our freshman year, I fumbled my way through using a condom.  _Fuck, how did we let this happen?_

When I can't think about Paulina anymore cause my mind is going crazy, all I can think about is dad. How different things have been between us lately.  _Why_ things have been different between us. God, I can't remember the last time I passed out on the couch while hanging out with him. And he covered me with a blanket before he went to sleep last night and everything's been  _good_ between us and… I never want this to go away. I've really fucking missed having  _one_ parent to depend on. And I don't know if he'll stop thinking about the things that drove him to make this kind of change but I hope this lasts. I fucking hope all of it lasts.

Thinking about dad makes me think about mom… and I'm so fucking  _done_ thinking about mom. She's taken up so much of my headspace lately and there's no room left for her. Or maybe there is but… I don't want her there anymore. At least, not right now.

I ease to a stop in a space beside Paulina's Volkswagen 's leaning against the front of her car, sipping from a cup of coffee, and she barely glances my way when I stop. Her fleeting look makes my stomach clench and I push out a breath from between my clenched teeth before I turn off the ignition and pull my keys from it.

She's pregnant. She's having my baby and here we both are – having to fucking talk about it. I hate this. I'm too selfish for something like this. How the hell am I supposed to raise a kid? I barely know how to take care of me, how am I supposed to look after someone so much smaller?

My movements are slow but I know this is a conversation we have to have. As awkward and uncomfortable as it's gonna be on both of us… we have to do this.  _Fuck, do we have to do this?_

Paulina finally looks at me when I climb out of my car and slam the door closed, shuffling forward the few steps between us. I hesitate when I come to a stop in front of her car but I finally look up at her and meet her gaze. For a few seconds, we just stare at each other and there's so many things I want to say. So many things I want to ask her but I don't. I can't find the fucking words.

"Here," she says softly, holding out a cup toward me. I drop my gaze to it and swallow past the lump growing in my throat. I don't want to do this. I don't want to sit next to my ex-girlfriend and make plans about how our future's gonna go from now on. Her parents will probably expect us to get married once high school is over. We'll probably move into a shitty apartment together and try to make this thing work for our kid.  _Fuck, I don't want to make this work._

I push out a breath, taking the cup from her. "Thanks," I manage to mumble, hoping it's enough for now, before I down three gulps of scalding coffee.

Paulina leans back on her hands, staring up at the clouds drifting by overhead and I lean against the front of her car beside her, everything hitting me at once. We're about to have a kid together. We're about to talk about plans and names and how we're both gonna be giving up everything to do this.  _I don't want to do this but I have to fucking do this._

She glances my way in the silence before her stare shifts to the tables in front of Starbucks. She exhales softly, pushing away from her car. "Come on," she says, grabbing her coffee before she starts toward the tables.

I look out toward the parking lot instead of following after her, staring at the cars pulling through the drive-through.  _Why am I here?_  I've never planned for this. I never thought I'd find myself sitting at a table in front of Starbucks, talking with my ex-girlfriend about what to do with our unborn child but I'm here. About to have that conversation.  _Fuck, I can't have that conversation._

"Dash."

Paulina tilts her head to one side when I turn around to look at her and for a moment, I get lost in her. I get lost in the way her hair looks the same as it has since our freshman year, and the way the curve of her lips still has the ability to stir things in me. She doesn't make my heart race anymore and I don't think I can ever want her the way I  _crave_  Danny but… I loved her once. I think I can love her again.

I follow her over to the table and sink down across from her, letting out a low breath. I don't know what to say and I stare down at my cup long enough for the silence to turn awkward. I wish I knew the words she needs to hear, or the things I need to say, but it's all jumbled up inside my head and none of it makes any sense. I don't know how to tell her that I'm gonna be here, no matter how this situation plays out. I don't know how to say that I'm scared shitless and that I don't know what we're supposed to do from here. I don't know how to let her in and tell her everything I'm thinking.

"I'm not good at this," I practically whisper. I'm not. I'm terrible with shit like this. Like talking about what to do or how I'm feeling. "I don't… know what we're supposed to do from here. I don't know what the next step is but I… wanna support you. I might be… really bad at it but I want to be here. Whatever we decide, I just… I'm here for all of it."

She gives me a sympathetic look when I manage to lift my stare higher than the table but I don't want it. I don't want her sympathy or her apologies. We did this. We're in this together, no matter what happens now.

"I mean it, I… don't know the first thing about doing this kind of stuff but I want you to know that I'm here. For all of it, okay? The doctor's appointments and the sleepless nights and…" I don't know what I'm saying anymore. She hasn't even said if she wants to keep it or not yet. "I just… want you to know that you're not alone. I'm here, okay? I'm here."

Paulina drags in a deep breath and lets it out slowly, looking away from me in the silence. There's so much more I want to say. But I don't want to force more words out before I've even heard what she's thinking. I'm shit with words but we're in this together. And I have to know what's running through her mind. I have to know if she's thinking the way that I am or if she's on a completely different thought process or-

"I'm not pregnant."

Those three words change everything from the second she says them and she drops her gaze from mine in the silence. She lets out a shaky breath this time and even though her hand shakes around her cup, she lifts it to her mouth anyway, taking a long drink before she sets it down again. Her gaze flits up to mine again and we stare back at each other for what feels like a lifetime before she finally speaks.

"I was but… I'm not anymore," she says softly, her expression pinched as she stares back at me. "Dash… I'm sorry my dad told you this. I never wanted you to know."

My throat is dry as I swallow back every question burning at the back of my tongue.  _Why wouldn't she have told me this? Why did I have to hear about this from her dad instead of her? If she's not pregnant… how long has it been since she was?_

"A-Anymore?" I stammer, letting out a low breath. "You're not… pregnant anymore?"

Paulina shakes her head, her gaze straying out into the parking lot. "No… this wasn't even anything recent. Dash… it was in sophomore year."

_Sophomore year?_  I don't understand. She was pregnant in sophomore year but she's not anymore. What happened then? We were still together then… why didn't I know about this? Why am I hearing about it from her dad  _years_ after?

"Why… didn't you tell me?" I ask, my own voice sounding broken and scared to my own ears. Paulina gives me a look of sympathy but I don't need it right now. I just want to know why her dad woke me this morning, going off about something that apparently happened years ago.  _Why didn't I know then? Why am I just finding about it now? Why am I the last goddamn person to know?_

The breath I let out is shaky and I can't hold her stare for long. We would have been shit parents.  _I_ would have been a shit parent. But I would have been there. From the second that I knew, I'd have been by her side. I would've sucked at every part of it but I wouldn't have left Paulina alone.

"I just… never wanted anyone to know," she says quietly, shaking her head. "It was hard, Dash. I wasn't even sixteen yet… my mom found out pretty much as soon as I did and before I'd even thought about what I wanted to do, she… made the decision for me."

Paulina drops her gaze from mine and gently pulls her hand away. She tucks her hair behind her ear, a heavy exhale leaving her. "Sometimes…" she pauses, chancing a look up at me. There's a moment of hesitation before she just says it, her words coming out in a rush. "Sometimes I wish I would have had the baby… I know it would have been hard raising it on my own but… I don't know. Just something I think about at night, you know? Like… where I would be if I hadn't let her make the decision for me."

My breath sticks in my throat and I scratch my insides for the words I need to speak. I've always sucked at this part – the one where I have to say something in response – but I can't let my own insufficiencies be my excuse. Not about something so fucking important.

"I would have been there, y'know," I mumble, meeting her gaze as my heart crawls up into my throat. "For the baby and you… I wouldn't have… Fuck, I wouldn't have left you alone to deal with this shit. That's not… I'm not like that."

Paulina covers her mouth with her hand and shakes her head. I don't know if I'm hurting or helping her but I don't want to stop there. There's so much more shit in my head and even if I suck at phrasing things, I want to tell her everything I've been thinking about since her dad showed up at my place. I want to find the words I need to say.

"I would have sucked at it. Like, a lot. You probably woulda had to fucking… train me or something. Cause I don't know the first thing about babies or kids or anything." I jerk a hand through my hair, shaking my head with a heavy sigh. "A-And I would have been a shit dad, you know that. Like… god, I have no fucking clue how to be a dad. But I-I would have tried. That's… that's my point, Paulina. I would have been there for you. I promise. I  _never_ would have left you alone to deal with this. I don't know what I would have done then but… I would've figured it out."

She leaves her chair, crossing over to me and tugging me against her chest. She shushes me softly when I try to speak, and she ducks down to kiss the top of my head. "Dash…" Paulina sighs my name, brushing my hair back with one hand before she pulls away to look at me.

Paulina holds my face in her hands, a watery smile taking over her expression as she slowly shakes her head. "You would have made an  _amazing_ father. I don't doubt that. I don't doubt it for a  _second,_ Dash. You would have been incredible." She smiles a sad smile then, offering up only a shrug before she says it. "But I was never pregnant with your baby."

_What?_

I pull away from her, staring up in what I can only imagine disbelief or some kind of shock feels like.  _What the hell? How was it not mine? And if it wasn't… who the hell's was it? And why does her dad think it was mine?_

Paulina's watery smile is back in place and she runs her fingers through my hair, exhaling softly. "I mean that. You would have been a wonderful father. And I know you would have been by my side from the moment you knew but… it wasn't yours."

I don't know what to say. I don't know what she  _wants_ me to say. It wasn't my kid. It was never my kid.  _Why does her dad think it was?_

She steps back from me and scoots her chair closer to mine. There's a few moments more of silence while she settles down and takes in a long gulp of coffee before she meets my gaze again. I wonder if she can see the million questions I'll never have the balls to ask written all over my fucking face.

"My mom sent me away that summer. To some kind of after abortion camp or whatever." She sighs, putting her hand on top of mine, the look on her face almost pleading. "She was so embarrassed about the situation. She was worried about what other people would think if they knew that ElizaSanchez's daughter was pregnant. It was always about  _her_."

The silence stretches over us for a few seconds before I turn my hand over to thread my fingers between hers. She squeezes my hand gently, her gaze dropping from mine to stare at the table or out into the parking lot – I don't know. I'm not watching her eyeline. I'm watching the way her chest rises and falls with every breath and the way the seconds tick at her the same way they do me.  _All this time. She's kept it quiet all this time._

"That's… why you couldn't go with me and the guys that summer. Why you bailed on the road trip," I mumble, watching her expression shift into something more guarded for a split-second before she relaxes and nods.

"Yeah," she says softly, looking back at me with a gentle smile. "I wanted to go with you. And I would have done it in a heartbeat if my mom hadn't basically threatened me." She rolls her eyes. "She said it was either the camp or boarding school for the rest of high school so."

I exhale out, grabbing my coffee again. I barely look at Paulina before I mumble the question, too afraid that I've already crossed a line by even mentioning it. "Is it… okay if I ask whose kid it was?"

She pulls her hand from mine and I down large gulps of coffee to avoid looking at her until the silence turns awkward. Until I can feel the prickle of unspoken words rising in the back of my throat and I force myself to look at her, apologies on the tip of my tongue. But she beats me to it.

"It was Blake's."

_Blake?_ Paulina was pregnant with his baby? Fuck, no wonder she didn't tell me. But… god, when did it even happen? Sophomore year was crazy fucked up for me but… if Paulina found out she was gonna have Blake's kid, I have to give it to her. Her year was crazier.

I don't know what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling but I guess it's obvious on my face because Paulina won't hold my stare. She lets out a heavy sigh, smoothing her hair down as she turns her gaze back out into the parking lot. I watch her drink her coffee in silence before I finally find the courage to speak again, trying to bring some of the darkness out of this shitty conversation.

"I know I'm not exactly a hard act to follow but… why'd you go for Blake?" I ask with a hint of teasing to my tone. It's just a joke. It's a stupid joke like the million other ones I've told her. But it's different this time. It's not just about the two of us anymore. She actually went through this. And I'm making jokes about it cause I can't deal when something is fucking with someone I care about.

Paulina raises an eyebrow. "We were fooling around at a party at Star's place after I saw you in the pool with Roxane. When she was shoving her tongue down your throat."

I wince, scratching the back of my head as I dart my gaze away from hers.  _Shit_ … I think I know which party she's talking about. It was one right before spring break. Dad had really done a number on mom and then took off for a couple weeks. I was just trying to chill out at the party, get really fucking drunk, but Paulina wanted to talk. She always wanted to talk back then… fuck, I  _remember_ pushing her away and going after alcohol instead. I barely remember fucking Roxane but I know I woke up next to her instead of Paulina and that guilt is what drove me into planning that whole stupid road trip for that summer. I convinced two of the upperclassmen on my team to go with me and Paulina so we'd have someone to actually do the driving part. Fuck, I remember it all so clearly.

"S-Sorry…" I mumble, briefly meeting Paulina's gaze before I look down at my coffee again.

It's silent between us for a few awkward moments until she sighs. "It's not your fault. We both did stupid things back then. Even before that night, we both got into a lot of shit." She rolls her eyes, a smile tugging at her lips when I look back at her.

"What did Blake say?" I ask, tracing the edge of my cup with my index finger.

Paulina exhales out heavily, her gaze shifting out into the parking lot. "When he wasn't threatening to tell everyone we know?" she asks, a sad smile passing over her expression before she shrugs. "He… didn't want anything to do with the whole situation. That night was just as much a mistake for him as it was for me." She shrugs when she looks at me, her serious expression still in place. "We both ended up in camp that summer so… at least I didn't have to see much of him after it was all over."

I give her a nod, thinking about how much of a relief being distanced from him must have been before her words register in my brain. "Camp?" I question, looking up at her again. Her teeth sink into her bottom lip and her expression is a little pinched. I try to understand the look on her face but I don't. What's she saying doesn't make any sense… "What do you mean? Where'd he go?"

She hesitates too long before she pastes her smile back in place and I can tell she's trying to play this off. "I didn't mean anything by it. His parents just sent him off to his aunt's place for the summer. Figured some time away would be good for him. You know… keeping his distance from me and all that."

_What isn't she saying?_

I've known Paulina since we were in middle school. Dated her off and on since freshman year. I'm not one of her best friends or anything but I think I know her pretty well. Better than this. And I don't know why she's holding back. It's me.

"Paulina, what is it?"

She bites her bottom lip again and darts her gaze away from me. She tucks her hair behind her ear and takes a sip of her coffee before she hesitantly looks at me. I raise an eyebrow and she exhales, apparently taking that as some kind of a sign.

"Okay, you can't… tell  _anyone_ this, okay? I mean it, not even Kwan," she says, her expression so serious, I half-expect her to swear me to secrecy by blood.

I let out a breath myself, nodding as I run a hand through my hair. "Yeah, alright. Cross my heart and all that shit. What's up?"

Paulina looks into the parking lot again for a split second before she looks at me, her eyebrows drawing down. I don't know who the fuck she thinks might be listening in right now or what on  _earth_ she could possibly say that'd warrant this kind of secrecy but she slowly parts her lips. She runs her tongue along her bottom teeth and says it. "Blake's… gay."

_What the fuck? Blake_? No, that's not… There's no fucking way. Blake's the first one of my teammates to start talking about girls on the cheerleading team and he's always the one bragging about his latest adventures in the bedroom in  _way_ too much detail. Blake's… he can't be gay.

I remember that trip I went on with him to visit his uncle down in Miami. The one where he made out with the bartenderand how much he texted me afterward trying to figure it out and then… I don't know. I thought he was just high when it happened. I didn't know that it was all… real. I thought… I guess I thought he'd figured things out somewhere in the middle of sophomore year, when he was back to bragging about the girls he was with.

"He doesn't want anyone to know. He made me swear not to tell anyone as soon as I found out. He said he'd tell the school that I was pregnant if anyone found out about him," she says, letting out a breath as she shakes her head. "He didn't say this exactly but… I knew even if it wasn't my fault, he'd still tell everyone about me if anyone found out about him. So don't… breathe a word of this to anyone, I mean it."

I don't know what to think. I've always known Blake can be an asshole and the fact that he'd tell the school about the pregnancy doesn't surprise me at all but… why would Paulina tell anyone? She used to be a gossip but she never told anyone about my dad. She'd never talk about shit like that. Stuff you didn't want anyone else to know, especially stuff like-

Paulina's gaze darts up to me when I lean back in my chair, a breath leaving me. A thin web of realization is starting to connect in my mind and I can't make myself meet Paulina's stare. "Why'd he think people were gonna find out about him?"

I keep my stare past Paulina's head but I can still see the way she tenses at the question. If word got out that Paulina was pregnant with his baby, no one would suspect he's gay. But… that night was a mistake for him too. I don't know if he was with other people – other  _guys_ – before that night but… he could have easily used Paulina's pregnancy to make everyone believe he's straight. And if Paulina kept that quiet for so long and didn't want anyone to find out about  _her_ shit then… someone had to take the heat instead. Someone else had to be the distraction.

"This… happened in sophomore year, yeah?" I ask, finally looking toward Paulina. She slowly nods, chewing on her bottom lip again and I lift my gaze to the sky. "So that's why you outed Danny, huh? To save your own reputation."

She exhales heavily. "I'm sorry. I've told him already but you should know too. If I could go back – if I could handle this differently, I would," she says, chewing on her lip as she drops her gaze to the table. "You have  _no_  idea how horrible I've felt over that since the day I did it. And knowing that it forced Danny to keep quiet, I wish I never would have-"

"Keep quiet?" I ask, scoffing when she stops talking mid-sentence. "What the hell do you mean  _'keep quiet'_? Danny had to deal with the whole  _school_ knowing that he's gay. What did he have to keep quiet about?"

Paulina holds my stare and there's a second of silence between us. Just a second. A single, insignificant moment. Until everything clicks and the intake of breath I drag in sounds more like a gasp.

"Danny dated…  _Blake_?"

My voice sounds scratchy to my own ears and Paulina shakes her head, tries to deny it, but I know it's true. More than I've ever known anything else in my life, it's true. God, it makes so much fucking  _sense_. Why didn't I see it before now? Why have I never noticed it?

"Dash, he… he still doesn't want anyone to know. I wouldn't talk to him about this," Paulina says softly, almost wincing when I look up at her. "I'm sorry, okay? I wish I could have told you all of this sooner but… I was scared."

I don't know what to say. I've never known what to say and words still don't come easily to me so I don't. I don't say a goddamn word, I just push back from the table and leave my half-full coffee cup behind.  _All this time… Danny's been keeping quiet all this fucking time._

"Wait, hang on!" Paulina calls but I'm already headed to my car. I need to get away from this. Call Danny. Or just be alone with my thoughts. Fuck, I can't think like this. Today's been so weird from the moment I woke up but this just took a turn I fucking  _never_ expected it to.

She catches up to me, grabbing onto my arm and tugging me away from my car just a pace or two. "Dash, stop. Think for a second," she says, letting out a slow breath when I finally meet her gaze. "What would you want him to do if the situation was reversed? Would you really want him to come storming to your place demanding answers from you?"

I know she's right. And I have no fucking right to ask Danny  _anything_ about this. And as much as I want to turn back to Paulina, ask her to explain instead, I pull away from her. Cause I can't think like this and for  _once_ , I actually want to think about this. I need to figure this shit out, no matter how ugly it is. And as much as I'd  _kill_ to sit down with my ex-girlfriend and talk about anything other than this… I know that I'll only be able to think about Danny.

* * *

The drive to my house is long and I turn around a couple times, intent on just driving straight to Danny's place and talking to him about this shit. But I know I can't. Not until I can think about it for longer than a second without getting so fucking angry that I'll break something.  _Like a certain teammate's fucking face._

I grip my steering wheel tighter with every mile I drive and have to convince myself multiple times not to immediately go to Danny or Blake's house. I want to cradle one in my arms and the other… I want to fucking  _murder._

Every thought running through my mind is of Danny. How he's doing. How he's been able to hide this secret for so long. Why he still decided to be around me, knowing who I was on a team with. Why he's willingly hung around Blake during lunch and other shit just because I invited him to.

My anger rises and falls over and over again the closer I get to my house and I'm almost disappointed when I pull up in the driveway and dad's car isn't here. It's not like I could tell him any of this shit but… god I'd  _kill_ to have his advice. Or  _anyone's_  advice.

I could call Alex or fuck, even Anastasia but I don't. Not cause I can't and not cause I don't know what to say. I just… can't tell anyone  _anything_ about Danny. At least… not until I talk to him first. Not until I tell him that I know the truth and let him know that it's okay. That it doesn't fucking matter to me. It doesn't change the way I feel about him or the fact that I think he hung the fucking moon. He's still Danny to me. Scars and all.

Somehow, I convince myself not to get back in my car and drive over to Danny's place and I force myself inside instead. I pace the living room for a while, my mind running a thousand miles per second with no sign of ever slowing down.  _How_ didn't I pick up on this before? All those moments between us… all those times Danny faltered beside me… why didn't I realize what was going on?

Danny wouldn't share a hotel room with me at the championship game not cause he was worried about the school paying for it but cause I was sharing the room with  _Blake_. The guy who fucked him up so badly, Danny tried to  _kill_ himself.

My anger surges again and I'm in my room before I even realize I climbed the stairs. I don't want to pace anymore. I don't want to think about this shit anymore. …fuck, all I want to do is think about this shit. I don't want to forget any instance where I let Danny down by not picking up on this. Cause I owe him an apology for every single moment.

I can't stop thinking about everything and the more I pace around my room, the angrier I get. So I jump in the shower instead. But focusing on the way the water runs over my head and down my spine only helps for a few minutes before I'm back on Danny. On this whole fucking mess.

Blake threw a football into Danny's face on the day of tryouts. He  _tackled_ Danny during our flag-football game. How the hell didn't I pick up on that? On the fact that he went after  _Danny_ both times? What kind of fucking  _idiot_ misses that?

Danny told me that his ex was just some guy he met on some dating app. He didn't want me to know it was Blake. Why the fuck did he lie about this? To protect  _Blake_? Or did he lie cause he didn't want me to know? Is he thinking that I'm gonna pick my fucking teammate over him?

My hands soap up my body and hair but my mind won't stop running. I can't stop thinking about all the times I forced Danny to be around Blake. That flag football game. Trying to get him to share a room with me.  _The trip to the beach._

I drag in a startled breath, my hands gripping my hair as I try to steady myself.  _He had bruises then… Blake was_ still  _fucking him up then and I missed it. I fucking missed it. All those times, all those moments. I should have seen it. I should have fucking seen it!_

Every second that I spend in the shower is another second that I'm not talking to Danny. Where I'm not holding him in my arms and making promises that everything's gonna be okay now. Cause I know the truth and I'll protect him from  _anything_. Doesn't matter if it's government agents or my own fucking teammate or whatever else comes along.

I towel dry my hair and get some clothes from my closet, pulling on the first things my hands touch, before I find my phone. I sink down on the edge of my bed, nervously exhaling as I wait for Danny's conversation to load. When his name finally appears on my screen, I start to type out a message but I stop after the first letter.

_What the fuck do I say?_

Saying, "I know about Blake" over a goddamn text message doesn't sit right in my gut and no matter how hard I try to come up with  _anything_ else to bring this shit up, it all feels forced. Like I'm trying too hard to fake normalcy.  _I can't be fucking normal about this_.

**To: Danny**

_**Hey, are you busy today?** _

It's way too fucking casual and to me, it's obvious as fuck that I'm fishing for a "no" so I can come by and hold in my arms.  _God, I want to hold him in my fucking arms._

I have so many questions about all of this shit. And I should have stuck around with Paulina, at least gotten some of them answered instead of asking Danny everything but… god, does she even know anything more than I do? Is she as much in the dark as I am or has she known about this for so fucking long, she's figured it all out at this point?

My phone vibrates twice in a row and I exhale out heavily, raking a hand through my hair to try and calm myself down. I focus on my breathing for about thirty seconds before I look over his responses, my heart in my goddamn throat.

**From: Danny**

_**Hey :)** _

_**I'm just hanging around the house. Why? You wanna do something?** _

I don't know if it'd be better to talk to him about this shit out in public or at his place. On the one hand, if we're out, at least his parents won't overhear us and maybe that'll help… but if we're at his place, he can fall the fuck apart and know that I'm right there if he wants me to be.

It's selfish. It's really fucking selfish of me to phrase my response the way that I do but I can't send anything else. I want to help him and even though he might not have ever wanted me to know, I do now. And I want to help him deal with this in any way he needs or wants me to. And I'll do everything I can to fucking protect him.

**To: Danny**

_**You think I could come by and hang out with you? Maybe bring my homework?** _

I know how selfish I'm being before I've even hit send and I try to talk myself out of this, convince myself to back off and let him tell me when he's ready but… I can't. I've always wanted to help him and I have the chance.  _He didn't tell me anything though… I figured it out on my own._ Fuck… what do I do?

Danny's response comes through before I can make a decision and I let that be the deciding factor. Cause despite everything he's told me up until this point, despite how I pushed him for answers before, he's still here. Cause I think through all of this, I've become just as important to him as he has to me. And I hope after all of this, I'm still important to him. I hope that I don't ruin everything again.

**From: Danny**

_**Sure! Sounds like fun :)** _

* * *

I'm a nervous fucking wreck on the way to Danny's house. I turn around several times, too afraid that I'm pushing this, but I get back on the road and continue toward him every time. Cause as terrified as I am to have this conversation… he's probably been worrying about this forever. Since we met, I wonder if he's thought about how this conversation would go. I wonder if talking to me has made it worse for him – if Blake's gone after him cause we became friends.

_Fuck. What if that's why he had those bruises at the beach? Cause he was fucking talking to me._

My breath comes out in a hiss as I roll my car to a stop at the traffic light on the last turn before his house. I clench the steering wheel between my hands, managing to keep my gaze on the road despite how much I want to just turn around and drive to Blake's house. Make him fucking unrecognizable.

It only takes a few minutes until I'm crawling to a stop at the edge of Danny's driveway and I kill the engine almost immediately. I don't open the door and I don't move to take my seat-belt off. I just stare up at the front of his house, thinking over every moment I've hung around him. All those times I should have asked. Those chances I had to protect him from Blake.  _If only I'd known._

The Fenton's have decorated since the last time I was here. Someone's draped dark green lights across the bushes lining the front walk and the roof is adorned with white lights cascading down like icicles. I wonder if Danny helped decorate. I wonder how long he faked a smile and pretended he wasn't in pain.

It hasn't snowed yet but I can feel it in the air. The promise of a white Christmas is just around the corner and when the weather finally decides to give it to us… this house, with its holiday lights, will stand out in stark contrast to all of the white, despite the darkness it hides within its walls.

My phone vibrates softly against the passenger seat and I tear my gaze from the front of his house to the device, the barest hint of a smile touching my face when I read the message he's sent me.

**From: Danny**

_**You gonna come in or you gonna stare at my place all night? ;p** _

I pocket my phone without responding and leave the warmth of my car, my backpack slung onto one shoulder. A shiver runs through me when I zip my jacket closed and slam my door shut behind me but I continue plodding up toward his front door. My breath hangs in the air when I exhale and I shuffle my feet on the porch, waiting while he opens the door before I've even knocked.

He's got a big smile on his face when he opens the front door and the first thing I notice is the glasses on his face. He unconsciously pushes them up higher on his nose and drops his gaze from mine, a flush staining his cheeks.

"H-Hey," Danny breathes, a smile on his face when he looks up at me again. He steps back to give me enough room to come inside and I easily take it. He tilts his head to one side, almost in a question, and my natural response is to return the smile.

He closes the door behind me, glancing over his shoulder. I shrug my backpack off and take him in when he crosses in front of me again. His hair is damp, like maybe he just got out of the shower, and his face is flushed. He's wearing a dark blue t-shirt with constellations dotted all along it and a pair of gray sweatpants – which thankfully aren't the ones my mom gave him.

"Hey," I respond, my heart constricting when he bites his bottom lip again. For a second, we just dopily stare at each other, both of us thinking a thousand things, before he remembers what we're supposed to be doing.

Danny scratches the back of his head, taking a step backward. "Ahh… you uh, brought your books, huh?" he asks, his gaze landing on my backpack before his face flushes and he nods. "R-Right, of course. Um… we can study in my room. If that's cool with you?"

I nod and take a step forward which he matches with one backward. He stumbles over nothing but stops himself from falling, his flush completely renewed when he glances up at me again. I have to bite back a smirk at the embarrassment crawling across his face.  _God, he looks so fucking cute like this._

"What's with the glasses?" I ask, cursing myself internally for the question. It makes the flush darker on his face but it makes me smile and I bite the inside of my lip to hold it in some.

He scoffs, pushing his hand against my arm like he wants to shove me away but there's no strength behind the movement. "Apparently my vision's gotten worse. I ordered contacts but they haven't come in yet so I'm stuck with these dorky things until they do," he says, rolling his eyes before he pushes the glasses up again. "I'm still getting used to them but I guess they're not horrible."

"I think they look cute on you," I blurt out, shrewdly aware of the flush I can feel rising to the surface of my skin. I swallow hard when he looks up at me but I don't take it back. I can't take it back now – and I don't want to either. He looks cute in them. Is that such a bad thing to point out?

He drops his gaze from mine but he nods with a hesitant smile. "Well… thank you," he says softly, shrugging before he looks up at me again. "Okay, so… homework?"

I give him a nod and the two of us start in the general direction of the stairs. We don't get more than a few paces toward it before his mom calls out to us. "Nice to see you again, Dash," she says, leaning against the doorframe that leads into the dining room when I turn to look at her. Her stare slowly drifts toward Danny and he seems to steel himself under her gaze.

Danny's face loses the flush it had as he looks toward his mom. They hold each other's gaze for a split second before he sighs and spares a glance at me. The expression that crosses his face is apologetic and he flicks his gaze back to his mom.

"We're just… gonna go upstairs and study," he mumbles, dropping his gaze when his mom nods.

She looks toward me again and I can't force myself to smile. I can't make any kind of expression when she looks my way cause I'm thinking about Danny again. Coming home with bruises that he easily explained away to his parents and they bought it.  _They bought it._  He was  _terrified_ and they never saw. They never picked up that their kid was getting the shit beaten out of him.

Mrs. Fenton pushes away from the door with a small nod, her gaze quickly shifting toward Danny again. "Alright. Have fun," she says, breezing past the two of us without another word. I watch her go until Danny nudges my arm with his, nodding toward the stairs when I look at him.

He shuffles forward a few paces and I follow after him, only glancing over my shoulder once. His mom disappears into the kitchen and I come to a stop when I see the back-door just past the living room.

Danny turns back to me when I stop, raising his eyebrows in a silent question. I nod toward the living room and he frowns, his gaze shifting toward it. "Do you want to study in the living room instead? Cause we can if you want to…"

"No, it's…" I drop my bag at the bottom of the stairs and let out a breath. Everything is clawing at me and I barely meet his gaze as I rub the back of my neck, nerves flaring up inside of me like they're a part of my soul and always will be. "Can we… talk for a second? Outside?"

His eyebrows draw down but he nods. "Sure, come on." He leads me over to the back door and unlocks it, leaving it open behind him after he's stepped out. He bounces down the few stairs leading down to the backyard and shivers when his bare feet touch the grass.

I pull the door shut behind me and start down the stairs. I try to join him where he stands but he moves forward a few paces, stopping just before he reaches the pavement surrounding the pool. He stares down into the water like he's considering jumping in but he doesn't.

He glances back at me with a grin. "When my sister was here for Thanksgiving, we dared each other to jump in the water. It was  _freezing_ and my dad yelled at us," he laughs, pushing his hair back with one hand. "Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if this thing freezes over before winter's up."

Another shiver rocks through him and he folds his arms over his chest. "God, I hope we see snow on my birthday. That'd be the ultimate gift," he says, looking to me with a smile. "You think you can convince the weather gods to give that to me?"

I'm trying desperately to come up with something to say in response but I'm empty. All I can think about is Blake. Doing the shit he did to Danny and getting away with it. He's an asshole and Danny never deserved it but I  _missed_ it. I never picked up on the uncomfortable awkwardness between him and Blake and that's on me. I fucked up. Danny doesn't deserve any of this.

He looks away when I don't say anything and he lets out a heavy breath, coming over to where I'm standing. When another shiver runs through him, I unzip my jacket and put it around his shoulders before he can stop me.

Danny looks at me at the touch and tries to refuse the jacket but I'm insistent and he gives in. He practically snuggles down into my jacket and this moment is something I have no right to cling to. I have no right to feel the butterflies in my stomach because he's wearing my jacket and because he makes it look  _good._ I'm about to tell him that I know who his ex is and I have no damn right to be thinking of him this way.  _But I can't fucking help it._

"Guessing you want to talk about something you don't want my parents to overhear?" he asks, his voice soft with the question. He looks away almost as soon as he meets my gaze and he nods like he understands. Like he gets why I want to talk to him.

_I can't do this Danny. I can't bring up this painful shit cause it's not mine to talk about. It's yours and even though you told me part of it, you never invited me into your world. I don't know if you like that I've made myself at home with you or if you regret ever letting me in. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Danny._

"Actually… i-it's something… I don't think  _you_ want them to overhear," I say, almost calling this entire goddamn thing off when he tenses up. But just as easily as he froze, he seems to unstick himself from whatever fear is scratching so desperately at his bones.

He glances toward me, a curious expression on his face as he tilts his head to one side. The action makes him look younger somehow. The way he looked in the photos his sister showed me. When the world hadn't yet beaten him down to this point. Innocence. I think that's what I'm seeing in his expression. And it fucking  _hurts_.

I let out a breath and nervously pick at the side of my thumbnail. I don't want to bring this shit up. I don't want to force him to talk about all of it. He's only mentioned his ex-boyfriend to me twice and both times, I managed to stop myself from asking too many questions but this time… This time, I have to. Not just cause I need to know now but I have to ask cause he'll never tell me if I don't. And I think he needs to tell me just as much as I need to hear it.

"Danny… I…"

Words are born and die on the tip of my tongue before they ever make it into the open air. He looks at me, like whatever words I choose to speak will be his gospel. Like whatever I have to tell him is more important than anything he's ever heard before.

"Is this about the fire? Or Valerie?" he asks softly, his eyebrows drawing down as he angles himself toward me again. There's a certain hesitance about him now. A trepidation in his movements that wasn't there before. I wonder if he's picturing those government agents storming his place and taking him away in the dead of night or if that's something only my panicked mind thinks of when the sun disappears behind the clouds.

He draws in a breath, letting it out slowly. "Speaking of…" he trails off before glancing up at me in the silence. "Tucker called me last night. He finished going over all the data that was stored on the tracker your mom pulled out of me."

Great. Just what we need. More shit like this to deal with.

"Yeah?" I ask softly, watching my breath hang in the air. I don't know if I have the strength for this. It's not fair to him. It's not fucking fair to him to bring it all up now. He's put it in the past. He's put all of this in the fucking past, why can't I leave it there? What does it matter if I know now – I  _didn't_ then. When it really mattered.

Danny nods, pushing his glasses up again, completely distracting me from  _everything_ in that moment. "There's some good news but… some really bad news too," he says softly, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip and nearly killing me. "Tucker said that... the tracker was probably damaged when it was pulled out of me. He said it stopped tracing my movements and recording really soon after it started. He said less than a day which is… great, considering we might have still been in Dryden when it stopped working s-so… odds are, the agents might be looking for me there instead of here."

I swallow hard, running a hand down my face in the silence. I try to readjust myself with reality, I try to remember that there are things beyond the two of us. That's the more to all of this than just the things he's been through and the way I feel for him.

"What's the bad news?"

He drops his gaze from mine immediately, sinking his teeth into his lip. He groans softly, stumbling forward a pace. He puts his hand on my chest and I've got my hands on his upper arms before I even think about it. I don't have to. Not with him.

"I'm sorry," he breathes, looking up at me and the fear looks misplaced in this moment. He's not supposed to be apologizing for being afraid. This is dark shit, it'd surprise me if he  _wasn't_ scared. But I don't get a chance to tell him any of that.

He drags in a breath before he's talking again, rambling so fast I can barely keep up. "I'm so sorry… Tucker played through the full recording –  _hours_ of stuff and… there's really only one moment you can hear clearly. Just a stupid,  _stupid_ moment and I-I'm sorry."

"What is it?" I ask softly, holding him gently in my arms as he stumbles his way through this.

Danny meets my gaze again and lets out a shaky breath. "It's your name, Dash. You can…  _clearly_ hear me say your name and I… if they've got that – if they somehow heard that remotely then you'll be on their radar. They'll be watching you and I… I'm so sorry. I never meant to let you get tangled up in this with me."

I want to be tangled up in  _everything_ with him. If he needs me, I'm there. It doesn't matter if it's this or the shit with Blake or  _anything_ else. It doesn't matter. I'm here. I'll always be here.

"It's okay," I say, insisting it when he tries to shake his head. "No, it is. We'll figure this out, okay? We've gotten this far together, we can get through this too, okay?" I assure him, some kind of strength creeping up from somewhere deep inside myself. It's only been a few days since I fucked up with the fire and with telling Valerie the truth before I ever even asked Danny.

But he looks up at me again, the smallest hint of a smile in his expression as he nods, and I know that I haven't ruined everything. Cause he knows I mean it. It doesn't matter what anyone or anything throws at us now. We've got this. We've more than got this. I'm not gonna leave him to deal with  _anything_ alone.

"So… what were you going to say?" he asks and for a moment, I've forgotten. I don't know how I could ever forget all this shit with Blake but for a single  _moment_ , I forgot the darkness Danny knows. I forgot that he spent months being afraid and taking Blake's abuse all in silence.  _How could I have forgotten? I'm so sorry, Danny. I should have known all along._

I shake my head, words still unwilling to cross over my fragile lips. I should talk to him about this phantom stuff instead. I shouldn't drag him back to the past. He doesn't belong there. He's got so much ahead of him, he doesn't deserve to have me dragging this shit up after he's already dealt with it.  _If he wanted me to know, he would have told me by now. Leave him alone. It's none of your fucking business._

"What is it?" Danny asks, his voice soft with the question. Like he's afraid I'll fall apart if he pushes too hard.  _You've got it all wrong, Danny. You're the one that's gonna break._

A stuttered breath leaves me and I watch it hang in the air. December is only days away and I wonder if Danny's looking forward to his birthday. I wonder if it just serves as a reminder to him. I wonder what  _he_ did for Danny in the past. Did they celebrate together? Has he always spent the day with his family? Is the day just another cruel reminder of everything that he ever did to him? Was Danny always-

"I know about Blake."

It's too blunt. Too harsh in the soft grass of the backyard. Those four words change everything from the moment I utter them. He tenses up, seems to lose his breath for a second before his wide eyes meet my gaze. He won't hold my stare for longer than a few seconds and I can't find another word to say in the silence. My paper heart is doing what it does best – lacerating my tongue and keeping me from speaking for fear of saying the wrong thing.  _It's a little late for that fear._

Danny drags in a breath, stumbling back a pace from me as he twists his hands around his hair. He drags in a gasping breath and something rocks through him that looks like a shiver but I think it's so much more than being cold. I ache to reach out to him. To cradle him in my arms and show him that everything's gonna be okay. Cause I didn't know before but I know now.  _I know now_. And I'll walk through hell before I ever let anyone put their hands on him again.

I thought he'd try to deny it. I thought he'd feign ignorance. I thought he'd utter every swear he knows and tell me to get the hell away from him. I thought he'd say that I have no idea what I'm talking about or that it's not true. I never thought he'd fucking  _burst_ into tears.

Danny stumbles away from me, legitimate sobs wracking him that only get louder the more he tries to quiet them. He covers his mouth with his hand, the tears convulsing his shoulders up and down like some sick repetition, punctuated only by the sound of his  _sobbing._

I follow after him, stumbling in the grass that's still somehow hanging on despite the chill in the air these past few weeks, and go to him. I expect Danny to run when I put my hand on his back. Or to push me away. I expect him to hate me for bringing up his pain, but he doesn't. Cause Danny never acts the way I think he will and if I ever stop guessing what he's gonna do, I'll stop being surprised when he does the exact opposite of whatever my mind has come up with. Like throwing his arms around me and  _dragging_ me into a hug.

He buries his face against my chest immediately, his arms encircling my back, and I easily fit his body against mine. His sobs are finally muffled by my chest and his hands claw at my t-shirt, trying to drag me closer to him. I can't stop tears springing to life in my own eyes and I drop my chin onto his head, trying to stay strong for the both of us.

"I-It's okay," I whisper, running my hands along his back in what I hope is a soothing gesture. Cause Danny needs to be comforted right now. Not just with pretty words. Physical things – touching, holding. Things that make him feel safe.

I hold him tighter when his sobs reach a point where they're shaking even me, and I don't think I realize I've started talking until the words are pouring out of me like a waterfall.

"I'm so sorry. I should have known. I should have realized before. But you'll never…  _never_ have to worry about it again. I'm gonna protect you, I promise. You'll never have to… I-I'm gonna be there. N-No matter what, Danny. Cause I care about you so much and I want you to be okay again and to feel safe cause you're so important.  _So_ important. Danny, I-I lov-"

My words are choked off only by a small shred of my own self-restraint. This isn't the time to want to press my lips along his hairline and tell him how much I've fallen for him. Cause he's hurting and I'm his friend. Right now, Danny needs his  _friend_. Not somebody that wants to take the place of the guy that drove him to this point. Where he's breaking apart in my arms.

Danny clings to me, like he's afraid I'll disappear if he ever lets go, and I hold him back just as tightly for the same fear coursing through my veins. This secret has been eating him alive since we started talking this year and he must've thought about telling me a million times before this moment. I wonder if he ever would have if I hadn't figured it out.

"I'm sorry," I whisper again, wanting nothing more than to plant kisses along his hairline and promise him that I will always protect him. But this isn't the time. As much as I want to keep his fears at bay and smother him in my kisses, I can only do one. Cause he doesn't need to be distracted by  _that_ yet. I'm not giving up on one day holding in my arms and telling him how beautiful he is but this isn't that day. I'd rather set myself on fire than let him go but it's not letting go if he was never even mine.

* * *

Eventually, Danny calms down and then I'm just holding him, absent-mindedly picking at the loose threads on the back of my jacket that I put on him earlier. Every now and then, he'll tense up again and I'll rub his back until he exhales out, shaking the tension with the action.

I don't know how long we stand outside but the cold has made me almost completely numb by the time Danny pulls away from me. He meets my gaze with a soft exhale and my heart twinges at how pitiful he looks. How his face is stained red and how swollen his eyes have become.

He holds my gaze for longer than I expected him to and in the end, I'm the one that looks away. Cause my heart's gonna break if I keep looking at the sadness still pulling at his expression. I want to hold him in my arms forever, as long as it keeps that weight off his chest.

"I'm… sorry that I didn't tell you before," he whispers, his bottom lip trembling when I look back at him.  _Sorry? That he never told me this before? He doesn't owe me the truth. He's never owed me a goddamn thing but he's_ sorry _._

Danny fidgets when I don't respond, exhaling out a breath that hangs between us. "There was just… never a good time," he whispers, his eyes falling closed like the simple admission is enough to exhaust him.

"Don't apologize," I whisper back, brushing my knuckles against his cheek. His eyes flutter open at the contact and he lets out a breath, holding my gaze in complete silence. Neither of us say a word and I fucking  _ache_ to kiss him. To finally let this be the moment where I tell him how much he means to me. But I know better than that. I know that isn't what he needs right now. He needs a friend. Someone that's gonna be here for him and not expect anything in return. He needs someone less selfish than me cause all I can think about is kissing him.

He closes the space between us a little, his hands resting against my chest and I mentally blame my shiver on the cold. His mouth parts momentarily before he bites down on his lip again, looking like there's a thousand things he wants to say in this moment. And I want to ask him what it is. I want to ask him what he wants to tell me. But I can't. Cause I'm a selfish person and the only thing I can think about is pressing my lips to his.

Danny lets out a soft whimper as I lean closer to him but his eyes fall closed and he leans in.  _He leans in._  Does he want this just as much as I do? Or is this a way to numb the pain that Blake has caused him for so long? Fuck, my bruised heart will take what it can get.

My eyes fall closed and I  _shiver_ at the feeling of his breath against my lips, inviting me in. We're doing this. He's gonna kiss me. I've wondered for so long how his lips would feel against mine – what he'll taste like, and where we'd be when this moment finally happened. I'm gonna know now. I'm finally gonna know.  _I want this. I fucking want this. I-_

"Hey, what are you boys doing out here?"

Danny practically rips himself from my arms, his eyes flying open just after mine do. I can only imagine that the color on his face isn't even half as dark as mine cause my face is on fucking  _fire_ as we both turn to look behind us.

His dad is standing on the steps, looking between us. His eyebrows draw downward as he takes in the disheveled state Danny's in. He looks toward me after a few seconds of silence, maybe wondering if I know why he looks the way he does, but whatever look he sees on my face must be enough to answer that question.

He pulls the door closed and moves down a stair, leaning against the railing before he looks at Danny again. He spares another glance at me before his focus shifts entirely to his son. "Is something going on?"

Danny shakes his head, dropping his gaze to the grass as he scratches the back of his head. If it's possible, his face turns several shades redder under his dad's gaze. I can't hold Jack's stare for longer than a few seconds when he looks my way again.

"Is this something I need to handle?" Jack asks, his voice soft with the question.

I glance toward Danny, who's shaking his head again. "N-No, it's fine," Danny mumbles, sparing a glance my way before he manages to meet his dad's stare. "Um… W-We'll be inside in just a second, okay? We're… gonna study."

Jack raises an eyebrow but gives us a nod and climbs the stairs again before disappearing back inside the house. I watch the closed door for a few seconds before I manage to meet Danny's stare.

His face immediately flushes darker than before and I hate that we've been interrupted again. That time… it felt like Danny wanted it too. I don't know if he's trying to chase away the feeling of kissing Blake by kissing  _me_ but… fuck, I'd make myself a distraction for him if he wants me to be.

"S-So…" Danny mumbles, coughing once in the silence.

I can't meet his gaze for longer than a few seconds before I feel my own face heating up again and the silence turns awkward as I kick at the grass between us. I don't want to be the one to get a conversation going again but I can't leave it to him. He's the one that's hurting, not me.

"You uh… s-still wanna help me with my algebra? Or… do you want me to take off?" I ask, managing to meet his gaze toward the end of my question.

He gives me a soft smile, shaking his head. "No, it's okay. Besides, I'm sure you could use the help." The joke is clear in his tone but the grin he's got on his face looks forced to me. Maybe I'm looking too hard… god, I really hope he's as okay as he's bullshitting.

I follow him back into the house and toward the stairs. Jack is in the kitchen with his wife but he glances at us when we pass by the entrance. His frown is easily back in place but I don't look at him for long, focusing my attention on Danny instead. How his every step seems to put more confidence in him than he had before. The gentle sway of his hips and the softness in his gaze when he glances over his shoulder at me.

He offers a smile as I stop to grab my backpack. I somehow manage to give him a wobbly smile back before I'm following him up the stairs. We pass by two doors before Danny stops, twisting the handle twice before he opens the door.

"Been awhile since you've been in here," he says, closing the door as soon as we're both inside.

I glance toward him but I don't know what to say, other than giving him a small nod. He only looks my way for a second or two before he's moving around in his room, gathering up some notebooks and his own algebra textbook from his desk.

He holds a highlighter between his teeth as he crosses his room again, sinking down onto the floor in front of his bed. He swipes the highlighter out of his mouth and glances up at me, still awkwardly standing by his door.

Danny smiles, patting the carpet next to him. I try to seem casual with the way I stroll over to him but I'm sure my eagerness shows on my face as I sink down next to him. We both lean our backs against his bed and he spreads his notebook in the space of floor in front of us.

I busy myself with digging my textbook out, taking way too fucking long to search for a pencil, before I eventually turn back to Danny. My heart's in my throat but I manage to meet his gaze, offering up a sheepish smile.

He holds my stare for a split second before he drops his to my textbook. "This still tripping you up?" he asks, pursing his lips as he reads over the problem. I can only meekly nod, my tongue too caught up tying itself into a knot to speak, and he nods back. "Right, yeah. You're close every time but you keep confusing the two methods of solving this."

Danny shifts a little, turning toward me before he looks up. God, the smile he wears could fool anyone. For a second, I understand how he kept everything with Blake under the radar for so long. Why would his parents suspect a thing with a look like that on Danny's face? No wonder I never knew anything about Blake fucking him up. How could I have ever guessed that this boy made of sunshine and starlight has been holding himself above black holes and dying galaxies for so fucking long?

* * *

We spend hours studying – and by we, I mean he explains the formulas to me again and again cause I'm too lost in the tone of his voice to hear his words. He gives me a little smirk whenever I completely blank and I wonder if it has to do with the flush my face always gives in response or if it's because of what almost happened in the backyard.  _Did he want to kiss me too?_

After we've worked through the majority of my homework, we start talking – about anything and everything. I find a way to ask about the uncle he mentioned to me on Skype without making a big deal of it and he tells me a little about him. How he and his sister used to spend a couple weeks with him every summer and one day, it all just stopped. He gets a really serious look on his face as he drifts off into silence but I refuse to let him think about the bad things right now.

So, I get him talking – and more importantly,  _laughing._  I tell him all kinds of shit – how Kwan and I were almost arrested in our freshman year for letting ourselves be dared into sneaking into the school after hours, how I spent more time in the mud on my face during my first little league game – and I can't stop grinning cause Danny keeps laughing.

He talks too. Sometimes he's just keeping up the light-hearted conversation and sometimes, he delves a little deeper than the surface. He tells me about his parents. How he hears them fighting late at night and how something in his gut tells him they're fighting over him. It's useless to try and convince him that he's wrong so I simply hold his hand in mine as he stumbles over his words.

Danny talks about his sister, about his friends, about missing everyone and hating the days he can't leave the house. He blinks back tears as he talks about this past week and my stomach drops when I realize that he stayed home because of Blake. Cause he fucked Danny up so bad, this starlight boy can't function somedays.

I hold his hand gently, and nod to everything he says – not pushing for answers even though it's the only thing I want to do. Cause this is his moment and no amount of my anger can help him. It doesn't matter how I feel about this, all that matters is how  _he_ does.

Jack pokes his head into Danny's room during a lighter topic and I thank whatever god is listening that Danny's face is dry of the few tears he tried to hold back when talked about these past few days. His dad gives us both a smile and asks if I'm sticking around for dinner. One look at Danny has me responding with a firm, "yes" and we're both told to wash up before we come downstairs.

Danny looks toward me when his dad leaves, a gentle smile creasing the serious expression he wore only minutes ago. "You don't have to stick around if you don't want to. It's okay i-if you have other things to do," he mumbles softly, ducking his head as he absent-mindedly scratches his cheek with the side of his index finger.

My chest constricts at the sight of the faint blush staining his cheeks and I pray to  _something_ that he feels for me the way I do for him.  _Next time, Danny… I promise. I'll kiss you._

"And pass up a dinner of your mom glaring at me from across the table?" I give him a wink as I get to my feet and extend a hand down toward him. He looks up at me, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip and I think a piece of my heart chips off and lands at his feet.

He takes my hand and gets to his feet, a gentle smile on his face. "That's true. You wouldn't want to miss that, huh?" There's a joke to his tone and he's grinning so I return the expression, rolling my eyes in an exaggerated way so he knows I'm kidding.

" _One_ day, I'll convince her that I'm not leading you down the path of destruction or whatever she believes," I joke, grinning with the words. "What's that about anyway? She hear about when I stole that bus with the guys? Thinks I'm out to drag you down with me?"

I glance over my shoulder, still grinning at Danny, but his smile has slipped. His expression has shifted back into a serious one and the sight makes my heart ache. I turn toward him again and take a step closer, almost in question, and he meets my gaze, blowing out a breath.

"It's… because of Blake," he says softly, shrugging one shoulder in the silence. "You're on the football team, Dash. She's just… worried about me hanging around you. She thinks Blake might try something," he mumbles, unable to hold my gaze for longer than a few seconds.

No wonder she fucking hates me. I'm a constant reminder of what her son went through. I'm on the goddamn football team with the guy who fucked Danny up so badly, he's still dealing with all of this shit. I'm the one that goes out for pizza and drinks with the guy who left bruises on her son.

"But… h-he's a-already done stuff… s-since we met…" I trail off, losing my breath when he looks up at me. His eyebrows draw down immediately and I know it was the wrong thing to say. I never should have said anything about this shit. He brought it up but that doesn't give me the right to talk about it.

"I'm sorry," I blurt out, nervously twisting my fingers around each other. "I didn't mean to… th-that's not what I meant. I didn't… I  _don't_ think that you… c-cause-"

Danny cuts me off with a look and I lose all the words I could ever say in my life in a single moment. He exhales out, shaking his head as he looks away from me. "Don't apologize, Dash. I know you're worried about me too." He shrugs as he looks back at me. "I can handle him now. My parents know that if anything happens… i-if it gets bad, I'll come to them. They know he threw that football at me at the beginning of the semester. And they kept me home for a couple days when they noticed the bruises on my face a while ago. R-Right before I introduced you to my sister?" he asks, like I need some kind of reminder. I know exactly when his face was fucked up and when bruises were painted across his chest and the days he's more anxious than others and the way his breath trembles between words and how his gentle tone is a mirror to his soul and that he never deserved a single second of this shit and-

"S-So… they know? That he's… been…" I trail off, not entirely sure what I'm asking but Danny seems to understand the question.

He nods, exhaling out again as he scratches at the underside of his chin. "Yeah, they know. And for the most part, they're staying out of it. My mom kinda got involved when she saw how banged up my face was." He pulls a frustrated expression, dropping his hand to his side and fidgeting nervously for a moment. "She called the school and I think he was almost suspended or something. She tried to get him kicked off the football team but I think your coach might've just… suspended him for a game or something…?" he trails off, a clear question in his tone and I realize I'm supposed to fill in the gaps. Except I'm too busy filling in the gaps of everything he's saying.

Blake  _almost_ got benched for a game. But in the end, Coach had to let him play cause his dad practically paid for the team this year. If his parents didn't kiss the school's ass so much, Coach probably would have kicked Blake off a long time ago. Especially if he knows anything about this.

"No, he… still got to play," I mumble, watching Danny drop his gaze with a nod. I know which game he's talking about. God, I thought he almost got benched cause of his fucking temper or cause he gets high more than anyone I know. Not cause of  _this_.

We both look up when we hear Jack call our names and Danny meets my gaze, blowing out a breath as a smile quirks his lips upward. The gesture is so innocent and I don't know how someone so full of pain has the strength to fucking  _smile_. I take his hand in mine and I promise to myself that this is over. All of the times Danny's had to face Blake are over. He's not getting anywhere close enough to touch the boy my heart is set on.

* * *

Dinner with the Fentons is similar to the way it went when I was here for Thanksgiving – with one change. I avoid all talk about football unless they bring it up. And Jack asks about it a couple times. I only talk briefly about the season and the college opportunities I have now because of it, before I move the conversation to something else.

I think Danny picks up on my careful wording and he shoots me a look a couple times. Twice, I catch his mom looking between the two of us and I wonder if she's realized that I know now. That I'm suddenly aware of all the pain Danny's been in since sophomore year. I wonder what she'd say if she figured out that I know now.

I keep the smile on my face at the conversation Jack is carrying on – talking about work and reminiscing on when he was in his senior year of high school – but I drop my hand beneath the table, resting it on Danny's knee when he starts to shake next to me. He starts a little at the contact but he subtly scoots closer to me. I trace circles and squares against the fabric of his sweatpants, making sure he can feel my every movement. His hand on me has kept me in the moment before and not spiraling into whatever hell my mind decided to come up with, I can only hope that the action is doing the same for him.

The conversation is easy between the four of us and I love the way it seems to lift the weight of the world from Danny's shoulders. He smiles more often and for longer than I've ever seen him before and his laugh is fucking  _beautiful_  when his dad makes one corny joke after another.

Eventually, the evening sets in and though Jack makes a few jokes about me spending the night, I start gathering up my stuff to leave. My backpack and jacket are still in Danny's room and he trails up the stairs after me as I get them both.

Even though it's cold as balls outside, he insists on walking me out to my car. And I insist that he pull on the jacket hanging by the door. He rolls his tongue as he grabs it but he shrugs it on as I open the door and start out of his house.

"This is my  _mom's_ ," he says, sticking his tongue out when I glance over my shoulder at him.

It hangs off his shoulders and his hands have disappeared inside the length of the sleeves and I have to bite the inside of my cheek really fucking hard to keep from grinning. I think he can tell I'm fighting back a smile cause his face turns red and he pushes me toward the stairs.

" _Thanks_. Glad to know I look good in this," he says, following me down the stairs and into the grass. His gaze flits up to the sky, pushing his glasses up with one hand, as we walk to my car and I don't even try to drag him out of his mind. I wonder if he's thinking about star-gazing tonight. Just laying back and watching the sky for a couple hours. It must really put him at ease, not having to be around anyone and just being alone with the sky. And he  _did_ say it's the second best thing in the world.

Danny picks up on the way I've fallen quiet and I think he can tell it isn't just out of respect for his sky-watching. He raises an eyebrow when I open the backdoor of my car and shove my backpack inside. I slam the door closed and turn back to him with a small smile.

"Sorry… I'm just thinking about what I've got planned for your birthday," I say with a grin that reddens his cheeks again. In truth, it's not a fully fleshed idea yet. But I know it'll involve some time stargazing because I love the way he looks when he's staring up at the sky.

He scoffs, toeing the ground with a pair of flip-flops I badgered him into wearing. "You don't have to do anything for me. You know that, right?" he asks, looking up and rolling his eyes at the grin that's still on my face. "You're impossible."

"You're the one that made a big fucking deal out of  _my_ birthday. I'm allowed to do the same for yours," I say, laughing at the way he shakes his head more out of exasperation than anything else.

Danny darts his gaze up to the sky again before he looks down at me with a sigh. "I guess there's no talking you out of it then. But…" His teeth sink into his bottom lip before he pushes out the rest of his sentence. "Whatever you're planning, make it for this weekend, okay? I'm spending the actual day with just my family."

I'm not exactly disappointed that I don't get to celebrate with him on the day – it'll leave more time to spend with him. If his parents aren't waiting around to celebrate with him then I can keep him out as late as he'll let me.

"Okay. Saturday, then," I respond, flashing him a smile that he easily returns.

He takes a step closer to me and that tension I felt in the backyard returns, instantly flooding my gut with the kind of anxiety that only comes at the thought of kissing him. Danny's eyes are practically glowing behind his glasses as he looks up at me and I find it hard to hold his gaze.

"Actually, make it Sunday. I'm throwing a party Friday night and… I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel like death come Saturday," he says, his smile widening when I raise my eyebrows. He nods, taking a step back from me as he pushes a hand through his hair with a short laugh. "Yeah, I was hanging out with Paulina and some of the girls the other day and she kinda talked me into it. Though… I think she could tell how much I actually wanted to."

"A party?" I ask, the only words I can manage to say in the silence between us.

Danny nods eagerly. "Yeah, I wanted to do something for my birthday and my parents are leaving Friday morning – something to do with work – so… I figured, why not?" He smiles again, practically bouncing on his heels as he talks. "Paulina's gonna invite some of the cheerleaders, I've got a couple of people coming… I figured I could get you to invite your teammates and we could all just kinda… hang out for a while and forget everything. Kinda like we did at the beach."

Shit, I was right then. That trip helped him more than I realized. He did need that time away but it wasn't just being away from his parents that he needed. He should have… been able to escape everything, not just Amity Park.

I exhale out a breath, dropping my gaze to his feet. "You uh… you want me to invite  _everyone_?" I ask, chancing a look up at him again.

There's a moment of confusion on his face before I see the recognition click in his eyes. He breathes out slowly, looking away from me. I watch his expression shift multiple times as he thinks it over – he spirals from worry to a brief flash of anger to sadness before he finally settles on what I guess is his attempt at a neutral expression. There's still far too much sadness in the look to ever fool me but I don't say anything about it.

Danny looks back at me with a shrug and I wonder how long he's spent perfecting the act of not caring. I  _know_ he cares. He doesn't want Blake there. And I don't fucking blame him, I never want to see that shitstain for the rest of my life. I won't be able to stop from tearing him the fuck apart the moment I see him.

"Yeah, invite everyone," Danny says, completely throwing me for a fucking loop.

He manages to tug a smile from the depths of his fucking  _broken_ soul and he shakes his head. "It's okay. I know… why you're worried. But I promise, I've got this. And it's not like…" He exhales out, looking away from me with a shrug. "I'm not the same person I was then. I can handle being around him, okay? This year has shown me that."

"But he's an asshole," I blurt out.

Danny sighs, and I recognize the way he almost retreats in on himself. It's the same way it started in the school's parking lot after the beach trip. The way he acted when I called him on the phone and asked him about being the phantom. I'm starting to push him again and he's starting to pull away.

"I'm sorry… I just… don't understand how you can… force yourself to be around him. He's… h-he fucked you up a-and I just… don't get it," I mumble, dropping my gaze from his face when he looks at me again. I can only offer up a shrug, the rest of my thoughts about this shit too tied up in the way I've fallen for him.

"You stay with your dad."

Danny stares back at me when I snap my head up to meet his gaze. For a second, all we can do is stare at each other and I try desperately to come up with some explanation to prove it's different. Cause dad is… he's my  _dad_. He gets pissed off sometimes and takes it out on me but that's not… his fault, it's mine. I should know better than to make him angry, I- it's my fault.

"That's different," I breathe, watching Danny's eyebrows draw down.

"No, it isn't," he argues, folding his arms over his chest. He scoffs, shaking his head as he holds my gaze. I wish there was something I could say to get him to see it. To get him to understand that he doesn't have to put up with the shit Blake did to him but I… what am I supposed to do with my shit? It's my  _dad_. It's not like it's as fucking simple as not hanging around him – I  _live_ with him.

Danny exhales out and it seems like all of his anger leaves him in that one movement. "Fine… maybe it  _is_ different but… whatever. That's not my point." He uncrosses his arms, adjusting his glasses again, and links his hands behind his head, returning his gaze up to the sky.

There's silence between us and I look where he is, wondering if he sees something in the stars that I don't. If he gets something out of the sky above us that I would never be able to understand on my own.  _Danny… help me understand. Tell me why you're doing this._

"After all this shit went down, Blake's parents sent him to a conversion camp, Dash," Danny says, not taking his eyes off the sky even when I look at him. The skin around his eyes is tightening as he talks and I barely breathe, too afraid to interrupt him. "His parents thought they could convince him to just…  _not_ be gay anymore."

So that's the camp Paulina was talking about. Shit, Blake's parents actually thought that they could… fuck, that's… god, I didn't even think that there was more shit to this…  _fuck_. How am I supposed to feel about this now?

Danny drops his stare from the clouds and meets my gaze with a rough exhale. "I'm not saying that I should just forgive him and forget all of this shit because his parents are assholes but… god, his parents  _are_ assholes, Dash. And I know he doesn't deserve my kindness and I  _know_ I'm supposed to just hate him and never talk to him again but he was probably  _terrified_ that summer. And it's not like he knows anyone that knows he's gay, he's had to keep this whole thing to himself."

Fuck, I don't want to feel sorry for Blake. I just want to hate him. He's an abusive asshole that never deserved to even  _look_ at Danny, let alone be with him and trade kisses with him. And I don't know how Danny can be kind enough to feel sympathy for the monster that drove him to almost  _kill_ himself.  _I don't have that kind of strength, Danny. I'm sorry. I hate him._

"I know you think that I shouldn't even consider him for a second but he needs parties and alcohol and pretending to be straight. He'll need that until the day he moves away from his parents. Or until he can accept himself the way he is. Am I such a horrible person for letting him have a night like that?" Danny asks and I hate that he makes fucking  _perfect_ sense. I'm the kind of person that would tell Blake to handle his own shit but Danny's not like that. Danny's kind. He wants to help. Even if the person he's trying to help is a complete fucking  _asshole_ , Danny still wants to help. Cause he's a better person than I'll ever be and I'll never be able to talk him out of this.

I exhale out, stepping back from him as I roughly push my hand through my hair. This is  _Danny's_ party, not mine. If he wants me to invite everyone on the team, then that's what I need to do. Even if I would rather cut my tongue out than extend the invitation to Blake.

"Why do you have to make sense?" I mumble, running a hand down my face.

Danny's expression lightens and he smiles, just a little. "So, you'll invite your teammates then?" he asks, his smile widening at my small nod. "Thank you." He steps forward and pulls me into his arms and I don't think I deserve the hug. Cause even if he can let this shit go that easily, I can't. Cause Danny's made up of bruises and stars and he's held together by his own strength and his fucking  _overflowing_ kindness. Danny might share marks similar to my own but his soul is nowhere close to a lost cause like mine. How could I have ever thought I deserved to intertwine my tarnished soul with his starlit one?

* * *

I drive around for a long time after I leave Danny's place. I can't stop my mind from running and I know I won't be able to sleep. So I drive late into the night and the only reason I stop is when dad calls to ask where I'm at. I guess he's still thinking about Paulina's dad showing up this morning cause he tells me that he'll wait up until I'm home.

My neighborhood is completely dark as I coast my car to a stop in the driveway. I watch the porchlight turn on and take my time zipping my jacket up and grabbing my backpack before I turn off the ignition.

Dad opens the door when I get out of my car and I shuffle my way up the sidewalk, wishing that the damn snow would just fall already. It's cold enough to warrant it but the clouds just won't give in. And it leaves the whole of Amity Park in this weird state of "it might snow any day now." I hate it. I hate all of this.

"You alright, son?" dad asks when I'm closer to the front door. I hesitate a second before I give him a nod and pass him by to get inside the house. I don't want to talk or think anymore. Especially cause seeing dad just renews everything Danny said to me. God, the look on his face when he brought up my dad…  _fuck_ it hurt.

I ditch my backpack on the floor in front of the couch and though I want nothing more than to just collapse into bed and sleep for the next ten hours, I find myself making my way into the kitchen. It's late as fuck and I should just go before I start talking but my stomach is bitching for food. I've barely eaten anything other than what I managed to get down during dinner with the Fenton's and I guess that wasn't enough.

Dad follows me into the kitchen where I shed my jacket and glance through the fridge before I give up on finding something to just shove down my throat. I'm hungry. I'm making myself some actual fucking food. I move further into the kitchen, looking through the cabinets to find the frying pan, setting it out onto the stove before I glance up at dad with a small breath. "I'm just… gonna make an omelet," I say, opening up the fridge again to get out the carton of eggs.

He nods, crossing over to where I'm standing. "Let me," he insists, taking the carton from me and setting it on the counter next to the stove. Dad puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes firmly, giving me a little shake. "Go take a shower, it'll be ready when you're done."

I don't want to leave him to do this for me cause I've always known to never count on him. And ever since mom left, I learned that I have to be the one to look out for me cause no one else will. But he's offering and I'm tired and I can't fucking think anymore.

"Thanks," I mumble, easily slinking out of the kitchen and up the stairs. I don't want to make a habit of depending on dad for fucking  _anything_ anymore but he's here and I'm too exhausted to force myself to do anything. And for once… it's nice to have a parent again.

* * *

I take a long time in the shower. I scrub away every second of today, trying to forget the way Danny's chest felt against mine while he was shaking and sobbing over everything Blake did to him. I try not to think about how alone Paulina must have been while she was dealing with her pregnancy. The way Blake threatened to tell everyone about her. The fact that despite all of the shit he's pulled… Danny still finds the strength to be  _kind_ to Blake.

My mind won't let me rest even when I beat my forehead and pound my fists against the wall of the tub, begging myself to just fucking  _stop_. It's in the past. Everything Blake did is in the past. There's no reason I should be letting it consume like this.  _If Danny can let it go, I should too._

But I can't let it go. It weighs on my mind as I towel off and as dress myself in pajamas I barely remember getting out of my dresser. It won't leave me alone as I leave the bathroom and start down the stairs, the smell of dad's cooking rising in the air.

I stumble my way downstairs, wishing I was still out driving. I don't want to think about anything that happened today but I can't stop myself. I shouldn't be around dad while I'm trying my fucking hardest to keep everything in cause something's bound to slip out but… he's cooking for me. And I'm so  _tired_ of having to keep everyone at arm's length.

Dad's whistling when I walk into the kitchen and he barely glances at me before he's focused on the omelet again. I listen to the sizzle it makes when he flips it as I cross the room to a cabinet, setting out a glass on the counter. Dad stops whistling when I cross the room again to get the milk from the fridge and fill up the glass.

I put the milk back and practically collapse into a chair once I reach the table. Dad glances at me with a concerned look but I ignore him, sinking down further in the chair and looking over the text messages I ignored today.

**From: Paulina**

_**Please don't talk to Blake about what I told you** _

I have no plans to talk to my teammate for the rest of my fucking life if I can avoid it, so her text is the easiest to respond to. I send 'I won't' back before I open Kwan's conversation, reading over his messages with a lump quickly growing in my throat.

**From: Kwan**

_**DASH I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE EMBARRASSED IN MY LIFE** _

_**So, my mom dragged me along to her book club, right? There's a mom here with HER gay son** _

_**THEY'RE TRYING TO HOOK US UP?** _

_**i wanna die this is humiliating** _

_**he is really cute though** _

_**but I can't let my MOM pick my dates out for me OMFG!** _

I can't help the smile that tugs at my mouth at my best friend's obnoxious texts. But the smile is fleeting cause I can't turn my mind off. Kwan's mom is really supportive of his sexuality but his dad fucking hates him for it. All I can think about is Blake. Going through fucking  _conversion_ therapy cause his parents want him to be straight. Fuck, what if that's how Kwan's shit had played out? What if instead of family counseling or whatever shit Kwan was stuck in, he was forced into  _that_? I don't even fucking know what Kwan would have done.  _Fuck, I don't want to feel sorry for Blake._

Dad turns the burner off and I look up from my phone, watching him as he transfers the omelet to a plate. He keeps his gaze away from me but I can tell he's worried. And his concern makes me want to burst into fucking tears the way I did when I was a kid and he'd patch me up after I skinned my knee. I want him to hug me tightly and shush me softly the way he did then. I want to cry into his chest and not bottle everything up like I always do. But telling dad that the boy I've fallen in love with is so broken and telling dad that I've skinned my knee are two different things. And while he'd hold me for one of them, he'd fucking  _kill_ me for the other.

"Thanks," I mumble, taking the plate when he crosses the room and holds it out toward me. He gives a nod of recognition and says he'll grab me a fork. I turn the volume off on my phone so it won't make a sound and turn it face down next to my plate.

I take the fork from dad and barely glance up to meet his gaze before I cut into the omelet. I don't want to talk about anything, despite the fact that he's settling down in a chair across from me. I don't want him to ask me what's wrong and I don't want to have to lie. And I don't want to fucking think anymore.

"It'll be okay, son. I'm going to help you figure this out," dad says, giving me a firm nod when I look up at him. "Does she know what she wants to do yet?"

It takes me a few seconds of staring back at him, fork raised to my mouth, to understand what the hell he's talking about. He's still on Paulina while my mind is stuck on Danny. The way he was practically breaking apart in my arms because of Blake.

I drag a hand through my hair, roughly exhaling as I set my fork down on the edge of the plate. "No, she's not…" I blow out a breath, meeting dad's gaze again as I shake my head. "Paulina's not pregnant."

Dad frowns, leaning forward to rest his elbow on the tap and prop his chin in his hand. "She isn't?" he asks, tilting his head to one side in question. The gesture is so innocent. And it reminds me of when things were different. When mom was here. When I was just a kid and dad hadn't fucked us up to this point.

"No, sh-she… was," I mumble, not sure if I should be telling him this. Paulina asked me not to say anything to Blake and she's tried so hard to keep this a secret from everyone, I feel weird telling dad anything but I can't stop myself. I have to tell somebody  _something_ or I'll break apart into a million fucking pieces. "A couple years back, she was pregnant but… she's not anymore."

He gives me a curious look, maybe trying to figure out what I'm saying. He finally nods, exhaling out heavily. "I see… Hugh must've just found out then?" he asks, as if I know anything about that. I shrug, dropping my gaze back to the omelet as I cut off another bite. "Why didn't she talk to you about this when she  _was_ pregnant?" he asks, his frown back in place.

I swallow down the lump of omelet and shrug. "Cause it wasn't mine."

Dad watches me as I chew slowly and he waits until I swallow again before he raises his eyebrow in question, apparently waiting for me to elaborate. I don't want to talk about Paulina. Or anyone. I'm tired of thinking about all of this shit.

"It was some other guy's. Her dad just probably thought it was mine since we were together for so long," I mumble, sliding my fork across the omelet to cut off another piece. Dad continues to watch my movements and I wonder if he thinks I'm lying. If Paulina's really pregnant and I'm just not willing to deal with it. Fuck, if she was pregnant, I think dad would be the first person I'd talk to. Despite the shit between us, I don't know how the fuck to raise a kid. And regardless of the way my childhood went to shit after a while, dad was… he was still there. He still raised me.

I push my plate away even though there's still half of the omelet left and I drain the remainder of the milk in the glass. Dad watches me as I slide away from the table and I let out a breath before I meet his gaze. "It's been a long day. I'm just gonna… get some sleep," I mumble.

Dad gets up from the table when I carry my plate into the kitchen and scrape the leftover omelet into the trash can. He leans against the doorframe as I rinse it off before stacking it in the dishwasher. There aren't enough dishes to start a wash so I slide the door closed again and glance toward dad.

"Night," I mumble, crossing the room toward him. He catches my upper arm gently in his grip but it still makes my breath catch. Still makes me think of all the times he wasn't gentle on me. I meet his gaze despite the shake in my breath and he frowns.

Dad pulls me closer to him and it takes me a few seconds before I realize he's trying to hug me. As soon as my posture relaxes, his arms fit around my back and I exhale out shakily. He runs his hands up and down my back in a soothing gesture and I try to sink into it. The last time he hugged me, I couldn't breathe cause I'd started a fucking fire that hurt him. I'm not panicking this time but the tightness in my chest doesn't feel right either.

I barely remember what a hug is supposed to feel like coming from him. But I think his hands on my back and my chin on his shoulder feels good. I think this feels like what it used to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Yo! To all of you wonderful people that have stuck it this far into the story, thanks for giving this your time and hey – now you finally know why Danny was bruised at the beach!
> 
> I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to get this chapter up. I've been editing for nearly a month now and every change I made felt wrong. I felt like I needed to completely rewrite the chapter and other times I felt like it was ready to go up as is. It took me a long time to get comfortable with this chapter again – sometimes it's hard to trust that you're going in the right direction. But I just have to keep reminding myself that these storylines have been planned from the get-go
> 
> So, yes, like I said, you finally know why Danny was bruised at the beach. I'd love to know what you think of this storyline. Does it make sense to you? Did you see it coming? How do you feel about the whole thing? Any and all thoughts would be greatly appreciated, I've had to keep this part of the story a secret for so long that I'm eager to hear what you all think of it now that it's out there
> 
> As for Paulina's part, what do you think of what she did to save her reputation? Are her previous apologies enough for you? Does it make sense why she did what she did? Or do you hate her for what she's done to Danny?
> 
> And speaking of Danny – what do you think of him inviting Blake to his party anyway? How do you feel about Blake now, knowing what his parents did to him when they found out? Does it change your perspective on what he's done to Danny? Or do you still think he was horrible for what he did?
> 
> Not to repeat myself but again, any and all thoughts I would love. I'm excited to finally have this chapter up and out of just my head. It's been sitting here, patiently waiting, for so long. And there's still so much more to this story – so much left to discover – but this was one of the biggest chapters in my mind. It's the chapter when you all finally find out that Blake did this to him. I know he's an OC and I know some of you were hoping I'd go for a canon character but Blake was planned from the start. I hope that's okay with you. I hope you still enjoy this fic for what it is and is still to be
> 
> The title of this chapter was a tough one to choose. I went through so many options, trying to find the perfect way to sum up the events of this chapter. Eventually, Whole Damn Year by Mary J. Blige came up as an option and I knew it was right. So if you haven't checked it out, I highly recommend you do. It's so Danny about this whole situation with Blake. It's so, so Danny
> 
> Anyway though, I think I've rambled enough and I'll let the chapter speak for itself. Again, thank you so much for sticking with this story and reading this update. I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, leave me a comment or let me know on tumblr – I really love hearing from you
> 
> See you next update! (hopefully it won't take another month but we'll see)


	66. Why Does My Heart Tell Me That I Am?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: aggressive behavior

Monday morning is weird. My phone must have died overnight because my alarm never went off to wake me up. So dad actually came into my room to wake me and then I was scrambling to get out the door. He wished me a good day at school and I thought about it the whole drive.

I sit in my car, wishing I had coffee, and letting my phone charge from my cigarette lighter. No one's really in the lot anymore and I think the chill in the air has finally driven most people inside. Danny's still in the parking lot with a couple of my friends and when I finally get out of my car, he's all I can focus on.

He catches me watching him multiple times. In the parking lot before the first bell rings, in the hallway between classes, in the cafeteria as I wait in line for lunch… I can't stop looking his way. It's like some kind of an unconscious need to see him. Make sure he's okay. And I know he picks up on the way my gaze strays toward Blake immediately after checking on him.

" _Don't make this a big deal,"_ Danny had made me promise in the parking lot when he first caught me staring. I promised him I'd  _try._  And I am. I'm trying really hard not to knock Blake's teeth in every time I see him.

I make my way over to the lunch table, balancing a tray for me and a Coke for Danny – mainly for the smile he gives me when I offer it up to him. He thanks me and I slide onto the bench beside him, brushing his hand on purpose as I pass him the can.

Danny's face flushes and he gives me a look like he knows what I'm doing. I can't help if it looks like I'm marking some kind of line around him. Like I'm letting everyone know I'm here to protect him. I'm not exactly trying to make it look that way but hey, if that's what other people at this table think, it's not exactly a bad thing.

I give Danny a shrug and bite into an apple – about the only thing on my tray that looks edible today. It doesn't stop Jeff from stealing more food off my tray and I don't even glare at him this time. I'm barely paying him any attention cause Danny's got my focus. Danny  _always_ has my focus.

"I'm throwing a party this Friday," Danny says, licking yogurt off the back of a spoon. He smiles a little when Jeff pauses stuffing his face and Star glances up from her phone to look at him. He nods once, his smile widening. "You guys should all come."

"Whaf's fhe occafion?" Jeff asks around a mouthful of food.

"Like you need an excuse to get drunk," Dale jibes, nudging Jeff in the ribcage with his elbow.

Danny rolls his eyes, a smile playing at his lips. "My birthday's next week.  _And_ my parents are going out of town over the weekend so… I figured why not. Plus, Paulina basically bullied me into it," he says, finally grinning as he turns to look her way.

Paulina matches his grin easily, rolling her eyes as she leans over to steal the Coke I gave him. "Oh bullshit. You barely needed  _any_ convincing," she says, gulping down his soda.

He easily swipes the can back from her, laughing as she playfully narrows her eyes at him. Watching the two of them around each other like this is fucking surreal. This is the same Paulina that was making fun of him and  _hating_ him two months ago. When the fuck did all of this change between them? Have I been so focused on Danny that I've missed it?

" _Anyway_." Danny sticks his tongue out at Paulina before he looks at the rest of the table, a smile easily taking place of the teasing expression. "Any of you interested in partying with me? It's gonna be pretty lowkey – nothing like what you guys are probably used to but y'know. Figured a party would be cool."

Jeff slams his fist on the table as he gulps down the last of whatever food of mine he stole. "Count me in, Fenton! Any excuse to get shitfaced before finals is a good excuse in my mind!"

Star rolls her eyes but she's grinning too. Everyone at the table is. Even fucking Blake looks excited about this.  _God, he has no fucking right to be excited for anything. Not since he put his fucking hands on Danny._

"You step in dog shit or something, Dash? What's wrong with your face?" Jeff asks, flicking a ketchup packet across the table at me.

I easily dodge the flying condiment and Jeff pouts, looking like he wanted it to hit me. I flip him my middle finger before I shrug, my focus drifting back down to my apple. Danny's tensed a little beside me and when I subtly glance his way, he shoots me a glare.

" _Chill out_ ," he mouths when no one's looking at us.  _I wish I could Danny._

The most I can do is offer another shrug and he rolls his eyes. Paulina glances between the two of us and I guess she's thinking about the way I left her on Saturday as soon as I figured out about Danny. I probably should have stuck around long enough to hear what the fuck happened after Paulina told Blake that she was pregnant but… I could only think of Danny.

I wonder if Paulina's talked to Danny about this before. She told me that she regrets what she did. I wonder if she apologized to Danny. I wonder how she said it. If she  _meant_ it. She got dealt a bad hand with Blake but she outed Danny to cover it up. And treated him like shit for  _years_. I don't understand how Danny can sit here and joke with her and play around like this shit didn't fuck him up.

Danny looks up when I push away from the table and his eyebrows draw down as I stand, grabbing my backpack from the floor. Blake looks up from his phone just as Jeff turns to me. I focus on the latter, knowing I'd kick Blake's teeth in if I even glance his way for a second.

"I'm gonna head to the library to study. Heard a rumor that there's a pop quiz in algebra today," I say, forcing a smirk at the panicked look that crosses Jeff's face. I glance around at the rest of the table, keeping that forced smile in place. "I'll see you guys later."

A couple of my teammates call after me, complaining that I have a free period to study and that it's completely unfair. I don't bother flipping them the bird or making some kind of joke at their expense. I just continue out of the cafeteria and finally start breathing right halfway down the hall.

I don't know where the fuck Danny's dragged his kindness and patience up from but if his soul is like an ocean, mine's a puddle. I don't have the same strength he does. I couldn't force myself to be around either one of them if I were in his shoes. He's so much kinder than anyone deserves.

"Hey, wait a second!"

Danny's running down the hall, his smile almost mesmerizing as he jogs toward me. I stop in front of a row of lockers and watch him, trying to understand this. I don't know how he does it but he looks like the conversation at the table didn't bother him at all.

"You need your amazing math tutor to help you out?" he asks, a grin on his face.

I hate being an asshole. I hate not being able to joke around and let things go. But Danny tried to fucking  _kill_ himself cause of the shit Blake did. And now he's inviting him to a party and joking around with the girl that outed him? I don't get it. I don't get any of this.

"How can you do this?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

Danny's shoulders drop the same way his expression does and he lets out a long sigh. "Dash… it's done, okay? Everything that happened is in the past now. And I'm not really interested in looking back anymore cause y'know… I'm not headed that way."

The corners of his mouth quirk upward, like his stupid inspirational phrase is supposed to make this better. Like it's supposed to help him nurse his wounds or dry his tears. Like it's supposed to act as the glue that his cracked soul needs.

"They hurt you," I say, taking a step toward him when his eyebrows draw down. I take his elbow in my hand and pull him closer to me, hearing the hitch in his breath as he meets my gaze. "Danny they… really fucked you up. How can you stand to be around them?"

He pulls away from me, a pained noise leaving him. "What does it matter? It's  _over_ now."

"He fucked with you again at the beginning of the year. Right before the beach? How is that over, Danny?" I ask, shaking my head when he groans. "You shouldn't have to put up with him or  _anyone_ treating you like that. And yet… you're playing nice with him?"

Danny meets my gaze. "You don't get it."

No, I don't. I don't get a single fucking thing about this. I don't understand how he can just ignore the way Paulina treated him and joke around with her. It doesn't make any fucking sense how he can stand to be in the same room as Blake after what he did. I don't get any fucking part of this.

I don't let Danny put distance between us when he tries to. I drop my backpack to the ground and hold him by the upper arms. A flush instantly blooms across his face and the breath he lets out is rattling.

" _Make_ me get it, Danny. Tell me whatever you're thinking – whatever you use to justify this. Make me see it your way. Cause I'm trying really fucking hard not to knock his teeth out of his fucking head," I hiss, hating the way Danny flinches at my tone.

Danny exhales quietly, shaking his head as he stares into my eyes. God, his eyes are so fucking beautiful. A perfect blue stares back at me – like summer skies and swimming pools. Like stars on a clear night. Like the color I've fallen so fucking hard for.

"Why can't you just leave this alone? I-It's not like you're my… boyfriend or anything. What does it matter to you how I'm dealing with this?" he asks, his voice so soft and so innocent, I almost kiss him right there. I almost crash my lips against his and drag him into a needy kiss. I almost show him that I  _want_ to be his boyfriend. But that would only make this whole fucked-up situation even worse.

I let him go and pull back, even though the only thing I  _ache_ to do is kiss his collarbones and tell him he's beautiful. I pull away cause I don't want to confuse him. I don't want to make this any harder on him.

"I know… that you're angry for me," Danny whispers, taking his hand in mine when I try to put more distance between us. He stares down at our intertwined fingers, letting out a sigh. "I get it, okay? I know that you hate him for what he's done to me."

He slides his fingers from between mine, squeezing my palm before he threads our fingers together again and looks up at me. "Believe me, I  _get_ it. But… my parents are angry for me. My sister is angry for me. My friends are angry, everyone in my  _life_ is angry for me. I don't need anyone else's anger, okay?" He pulls his hand from mine to push his hair away from his face. "You… have no idea how long it's taken me to quiet my own rage and learn to let these things go but please. Don't be angry for me."

I don't know how to be anything else. I don't know how I'm supposed to look at Blake and not want to kick his ass. Blake's parents are shitheads for… whatever the fuck it is that they did to him, but that doesn't  _excuse_ Blake. He still put his hands on Danny.

"What do you want me to be instead?" I ask, my voice soft but controlled. Barely holding it together. I don't know if I can do whatever he asks of me but… it's Danny. I'll always try for him.

Danny pushes out a breath, meeting my gaze as his bottom lip trembles – almost completely breaking me. His eyes flutter closed and it takes every ounce of the strength left ringing in my bones not to kiss him. Not to make him forget  _everything_ but the way my lips feel against his.

"I want you… to support me. H-However I decide to handle this, I want to know that you're on my side," he whispers, letting go of my hand as he takes a step closer to me. I can't stop myself from resting my forehead against his but he seems to relax at the touch. He slides his hands onto my shoulders, curling his fingers around the fabric of my jacket.

I don't know if I can do that. It's  _killing_ me to watch him play nice. Not just with Blake either – with Paulina too. She fucked him up by outing him like that just to save her own skin. He doesn't owe either of them a damn thing but he's giving them his  _kindness_. Cause that's who he is. Danny's  _kind_  and I want him to be selfish. For once, I want him to be just like  _me._

"You shouldn't… have to deal with him anymore," I grumble out, my eyes falling closed as he exhales. He knows as well as I do that this is bullshit. That he shouldn't put up with any of it.

Danny groans softly as he pulls away from me, and I open my eyes to meet his stare. He slowly shakes his head, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip. "I don't want to hate him anymore, Dash. This shit that happened… god, it was so fucked up. But… I'm tired of hating him. I'm tired of wasting my  _time_ on him."

"Then why are being nice to him? Why'd you invite him to your party?" I push, watching the look in his eyes as he almost retreats back inside of himself. But he doesn't get the chance to. Something sparks alive in his eyes and the breath is knocked from me as he pushes me back against the row of lockers.

Danny's eyes are flickering between blue and green and I'm fucking frozen staring at them. His hand on my chest tightens around my shirt as he exhales out.

"Because I  _can_ ," he hisses, his breath hot against my skin as he leans closer to me. I wonder what he can see in my eyes. How much of my concern is here in this moment? Can he tell it comes from somewhere deep inside of me - the place that's fallen in  _love_ with him?

He holds my gaze as his grip on my shirt tightens again. "This is how I want to deal with him for now. That might change in a few weeks. Hell – it might change  _tomorrow_. But for now, this is what I want to do. And you can either support me or you can stand back and watch me. Either way, I'm through withbeing angry at him. He's wasted enough of my time. I've spent so much damn time being angry and afraid and I'm just  _done._ "

_Fuck, I want to kiss him._

I drop my stare down to his lips and I think the shuddered exhale that leaves him is cause of it. I think he wants this.  _Fuck, I want this. Please, universe, let me have this. Just loan me the strength to pull him against me and kiss him. I want to kiss him, please let me kiss him, I want to-_

Danny doesn't pull away when I lean closer to him and my nose brushes against his. Another shaky breath leaves him and I'm trying to quiet my heart when it happens. Between the pounding of my heart and how close Danny is to me, I barely hear the overhead speaker until it's calling my name. Of  _course_ it's calling my fucking name.

" _Dash Baxter, please report to the front office. Dash Baxter, to the front office."_

Thanks, universe.

* * *

The old me would have jumped away from Danny and immediately put distance between us the way that he does as soon as the speaker goes off, but I don't move an inch. I keep my back pressed against the lockers and watch the nervous flush appearing on his face, trying not to let my heart break off into a thousand tiny fragments of what it used to be.  _He doesn't like me._

All those times that I thought he was looking at me, when he was  _flirting_ with me at the club Kwan dragged me to, the chaste kisses he's pressed against my skin… It's not me. It's him. This is how he's started to heal. I'm not the guy he's gonna fall for. I'm his friend. The guy he knows is gonna be gentle with him. I'm his  _safety net._

I push out a breath, unsticking myself from the lockers. I barely glance Danny's way before I start down the hall. I don't know if I'd rather have him chase after me and insist on tagging along or just have the space between us for now.

This wouldn't hurt so damn badly if I hadn't fallen for him this hard. He's starlight while I'm barely more than a firefly. I'll burn out long before he will.

In a way… I guess it's better like this. I'll never know what it's like to kiss him or call him mine but… at least I'll never have to know what I'm missing.

* * *

Coach is standing in the front office, leaning on a desk and talking to some woman, when I step inside. I catch the tail end of a joke that Coach is telling her and she laughs politely before he catches sight of me.

He pushes away from the desk, clapping me on the shoulder with one hand. "Come on, son." He leads me to a door behind the woman's desk and down a long hallway. He comes to a stop in front of an open office and he puts one hand on my back, gently pushing me inside.

He turns the light on before he closes the door and when I turn to face him, he has a child-like grin on his face. It dampens just a little when I don't crack even a hint of one in return.

"You alright?" he asks, his hand on my shoulder again, concern oozing into his expression.

After finally realizing that despite how hard my bruised heart has fought for it, I'll never have Danny… I don't think I'll ever really be okay again. I want him so bad, it rings in my bones and in the way my chest constricts every time I'm near him. I want to be with him so much, it  _hurts._

"What's up, Coach?" I ignore his question, hoping that whatever he's called me here for is a hell of a lot easier to swallow than the knowledge that I'll never have the chance to kiss that starlight boy.

Coach gives me a look, like he can tell that something's fucking with me, but he doesn't push it. That grin is easily back in place as he puts both hands on my shoulders, shaking me a little.

"Dash, a few more colleges are interested in you. Right now, you're  _tied_ with my most sought-after player of the season," he says with a laugh, watching the surprise register on my face. "I know. You have more choices than you know what to do with. But this is a  _good_ thing, Baxter. All these schools see your talent and they want it. And I couldn't be prouder that they're calling for you."

I swallow, my throat dry as fuck, and drop my stare from Coach.  _I'm one of the most sought-after players this season. How the hell are that many schools interested in me? What the fuck is so special about me?_

"Hey, relax, kid. You don't have to make a decision anytime soon, alright? You have plenty of time before the admission window closes. And even then, some of these colleges have been known to slip athletes past the deadline." Coach squeezes my shoulders again, in what I guess is supposed to be a reassuring gesture. "I've scheduled you to see two colleges over winter break, okay? And thanks to my  _charming_ personality, they're both paying for your airfare  _and_ hotel stay. So, you won't have to worry about a single thing, other than food."

_Fuck._ This is a good thing. This is a fucking  _great_ thing. Schools are actually interested in what I can do. They  _like_ what they've seen from me. I never thought I'd ever get a chance like this but it's basically dropped into my lap and I have no fucking clue what to do with it.

"I've made tentative plans with a handful of other colleges that want to see you over a couple weekends in February and March." He shakes me again, that grin still on his face when I manage to look up at him again. "It's finally go time, kid. If anyone's got it in them to impress these coaches, it's you. I  _know_ you'll do amazing. I know you'll make me proud."

There's a lump that's quickly growing in my throat and I swallow past it, chancing a look up at Coach again as I nod. I don't know what to say. Both happiness and fear have lodged themselves in my throat and I'm not sure which taste is on my tongue.

"Which um… wh-which schools am I seeing first?" I ask, hesitantly shrugging his hands off my shoulders. He easily puts space between us, seems to recognize that I need it, but it doesn't dampen the grin on his face.

"First up is Amridge University, they've booked a plane ride for you in the first week of January. After that, you'll visit Northview somewhere around the middle of the month. They haven't gotten back to me with any flight plans so I'm not sure when you're actually leaving for that." He clasps his hands in front of him, rocking back onto the balls of his feet.

He's so excited. For  _me._  He wants this to happen for me and I have no fucking clue what to say. I can't speak past the lump in my throat but I think I'm excited too. Underneath the nerves threatening to eat me alive and the general tension in my gut at the thought of leaving this sleepy town for good, I think I'm really,  _really_ excited.

"Th-Thank you… for helping me, Coach," I mumble, dropping my gaze from his face.

Coach claps me on the shoulder again, his short laugh echoing off the walls. "You don't need to thank me, kid. Not only is this my job, I really believe in you. I mean it, there's not a doubt in my mind that you'll go incredibly far, no matter what school you go to." He gives my shoulder a final squeeze before he steps back from me, a smile lifting the corners of his mouth when I look up at him. "A lot of these schools like to meet a parent of the player when they fly out but… I wasn't sure if that'd be possible for you. I didn't know if your father would be able to get any time off."

Oh… right. Of course they'd want to meet a parent. Only problem is… one of them I don't think I ever want to see again and the other…  _fuck._ I want him to come with me and support me cause things have been so good between us lately but… I don't want this to be what pushes him over the edge. What makes him start hating me again. I promised him I'd  _never_ leave.

I exhale, chewing on my bottom lip as I think it over. It's not like I could have someone stand in for my parents, I doubt a school would be happy if they ever found out. And besides, I don't have anyone that would make a convincing parent… but maybe an uncle?

"Hey, Coach?" I ask, following him when he starts out of the room. He barely glances over his shoulder at me but I take it as a sign to continue. "I don't think my dad will be able to get any time off but… do you think an uncle could work?"

He glances over his shoulder again, nodding. "Yeah, that should work. Why? Is your uncle gonna be in town around then?"

I don't know if he'll be up for flying to these schools with me but he's always supported me in everything else I've done. He's picked my sorry ass up from a jail cell and the hospital  _twice_. Even if he doesn't want to go with me, I know I'll have his support. That's the kind of person he's always been.

"Sort of."

* * *

The ringing sound as the call connects brings a familiar anxiety to the pit of my stomach. It's not exactly uncomfortable but it makes me aware of  _everything._  Mainly about the fact that he could say no.

I'm leaning against a row of lockers a few paces away from the main office, letting it all hit me. These coaches are interested in me. I could be playing ball next year. Going to college for  _free_ cause I can throw a ball pretty damn well. Shit, this could actually happen for me.

" _Aren't you supposed to be in class?"_ Alex asks when the call connects, and the teasing lilt to his voice makes my heart swell.

I bite down on my lip, letting out a nervous breath. "Before you start lecturing me, I have a free period right now. But if you're just gonna tell me to spend my time studying or something, I'll hang up and go get some coffee instead."

Alex laughs softly amidst the sound of the shop I can hear in the background. " _Yeah? What made you decide to call me instead of getting your caffeine fix?"_

"I just… called to ask a question." I lean my head against the locker behind me, turning my stare up to the ugly fluorescents overhead. "You got a minute to talk?"

The shop sounds louder for a minute before Alex's voice is back on the line, the background noise almost completely silenced now. " _Yeah, I do. Is something wrong?"_

"No… it's a good thing." I draw in a short breath, trying to keep the grin from my tone. "S-So, I was talking to Coach just now and uhh… l-long story short, I've got a couple of colleges that are interested in seeing me over winter break. For like… a football scholarship thing. You uh… wanna… come with me?" I ask, exhaling out nervously. It's probably selfish of me to ask him to tag along but I want him there. And I think I can stand to be a little selfish right now.

Alex lets out a breath.  _"Are you kidding me?"_

For a second, my heart races as I think I've completely misread everything between us. But he lets out a quiet, amazed laugh and the sound floods my veins with the kind of relief I didn't know I needed.

" _Dash,"_ he says my name softly and I swallow hard past the lump in my throat.  _"I'd love to come with you. Yes, okay? Just tell me the days as soon as you know and I'm there. Why did you even have to ask? Of course I want to be there."_

The lump in my throat has quickly become more like a fucking brick, impossible to swallow past until my eyes well up with tears. God-fucking-dammit, of  _course_ Alex is gonna support me in this. Of course he's gonna be there for me.

"Alex-" I choke on his name and draw in a breath, squeezing my eyes closed. I can picture how this conversation would be going if I was standing in front of him right now. He'd put a hand on my shoulder or arm. Shake me gently. Tell me it's okay. Pull me into a hug. Whisper that-

" _Fuck, kid, I'm so proud of you. Is this the first you've heard about this?"_

I breathe in slowly, trying to remind my head that my feet are on the ground – no matter how much it feels like I'm floating. "No, I uhh… I've known about this since before the championship game, I guess. I mean… th-there was one college looking into me then but nothing was set in stone and… y-yeah, this is the um… yeah."

Alex laughs a little, the teasing tone back in his voice. " _How come I haven't heard about this before? Did you expect to hide this forever?"_  he teases, the tone of his voice making me grin.

"For the record, I barely told anyone," I say, chewing on my bottom lip as I wonder if it'll sting when he finds out that Anastasia knew before him.

" _Yeah? Why didn't you tell anyone?"_ he asks, the sound of the shop loud in the background once more. He lets out a breath that rattles across the receiver and I close my eyes to the sound of it.  _"Forget the anyone part, why didn't you tell_ me _?"_

I can tell he's still teasing but the question is genuine. We've had a lot of disagreements this year. Maybe he's wondering if I thought we'd fight over this too. I wonder if he thinks that I was worried he wouldn't support me in this.

"Honestly… it never felt real, you know? Like… it was always something that was  _there_ but it was in the future. It never felt like it was actually gonna happen until… I guess today. Cause I spoke to a lot of coaches after the championship game and after other games this season but… I don't know." I run a hand through my hair, letting out a quiet breath. "I guess it just never really hit me before."

Alex exhales out, a short laugh leaving him.  _"Shit, kid. I don't think it's gonna hit me until later, too. I'm just… I'm really proud of you, you know that? I know you never saw this or really anything good coming your way but I always believed in you. I_ knew  _that you were destined to do amazing things."_ He laughs softly again, completely oblivious to the tears stinging my eyes. " _And I know that this opportunity… it's just one of many. You're gonna go really far. I honestly believe that. You'll leave this town behind and the world will have no idea what to do with someone like you. You're just… you're so talented, I hope you know that. You are. And intelligent. God, you're so intelligent and I know that you don't think you are but you are and-"_

"Shut up, okay? God, you're gonna make me fucking blubber in the middle of the goddamn hallway, fuck," I interrupt, swiping the heel of my palm underneath my eyes in an attempt to dry the tears before they fall. I swallow multiple times and ignore Alex's soft laughter drifting through the phone.

" _Okay, okay. I'll shut up for now but I'm hugging the shit out of you the next time I see you, I hope you know that,"_ he says, renewing the smile on my face. I should have told Alex about this a long time ago. It's not like when I would tell my parents good news in the past. Alex doesn't ignore me or tell me that it's all unimportant. He doesn't make me feel like I'm bothering him when we talk. He's better to me than my own parents and I should have known to tell him first. Before anyone else, he should have been the one to know. Cause no matter who else or what else is in my life, I  _know_ that Alex will always be on my side.

* * *

After about ten  _thousand_ more compliments from Alex, I finally get him to shut up long enough to tell him that I need to go. I glance over my phone as I walk down the hallway, pausing outside the library doors to read a couple of text messages Kwan's sent me in the last half an hour.

**From: Kwan**

_**Hey, you okay? I know Danny followed after you but… just wanted to check up on you** _

_**Though I'm sure you prefer him chasing you rather than me ;) ;) ;)** _

I'm gonna have to kill him. God, I hate that his stupid teasing makes me blush like a fucking idiot. Instead of giving him a mature response, I respond with a photo of my middle finger, the library door the backdrop of my photo, and send it off with a short, "Fuck you."

My face is still flushed but I push open the library door anyway and trudge my way toward the back. Danny's at the table we usually occupy during our spare, but he's got his earphones in, his gaze on his notebook as he doodles in the margins.

I don't know how loud his music is so I approach the table slowly. He barely glances up from his notebook before he realizes I'm standing there and he takes his earphones out, raising his eyebrows.

"Hey." I force a smile onto my face and sink down in the chair across from him.

Danny scoffs a little, dropping his gaze back to his notebook. He's silent for a few seconds as he continues to doodle randomly. "Thought you were just gonna ignore me for most of today," he says casually, keeping his stare on the notebook that he's aggressively drawing in.

I let out a breath, flicking my gaze to the ceiling. I'm not surprised that he thought I'd ignore him. Part of me wants to ignore this whole fucked-up situation cause I don't know how the hell to handle it but I can't do that to him.

"I don't… get it. Why you continue to put yourself around him or why… you'd invite him to your party," I let out a breath, shifting my gaze from the ceiling to find him staring at me. A pink flush creeps across his cheeks and I wonder if that blush is for me. I wonder if he's only embarrassed cause he's been caught staring or if he's embarrassed cause it's  _me_. God, I  _know_ he doesn't like me but… does he have the same butterflies I do?

Danny bites his bottom lip and it reminds me that I wasn't done talking. I roughly clear my throat, avoiding his gaze for a second before I force myself to meet it with a heavy exhale. "But I don't have to understand. I-It's your life, Danny. Even if I hate him and even if I think you shouldn't be letting him come around… it's your choice."

He blows out a breath that shakes, his gaze dropping to the table. "What made you change your mind?" he asks, his voice soft on the question. The tone of his voice makes it sound like he's afraid of my answer. But I think he's just afraid of asking the question.

"Well, I started by pulling my head out of my ass. After that, it kinda became easier to see things from someone else's point of view," I say, cracking a grin when he looks up at me with surprise on his face.

For a second, he just stares at me before he cracks up too, badly concealing his snorts by covering his mouth with the back of his hand. His grin matches mine and we try so damn hard to keep our laughter quiet, but despite the glares we get from the librarians, we both laugh until our stomachs ache. And I'm pretty sure that no matter what shit happens from now, however he decides to deal with all this stuff with Blake, this moment was worth seeing things his way.

* * *

Danny and I are called on in English class cause I pass him a note that makes him crack up so forcefully that Lancer stops mid-lesson to see what's going on. Danny has no hope of staving off his laughter but at least I manage to keep a straight face. Even if I am chewing on the inside of my cheek hard enough to draw blood.

Lancer separates us and I almost groan out loud when he tells me to sit next to Blake. My teammate, completely oblivious to my sudden hatred toward him, pats the desk next to him with a wide grin on his face.

"Slumming it with the troubled kids, eh, Baxter?" Blake whispers when I collapse into the seat beside him. He nudges my side with his elbow when Lancer turns his back to us and I have to hold myself back from returning the gesture except with my fist. Directly to his face.

Blake scoffs lightly, leaning across the aisle when I won't pay him attention. "Dude, what gives?"

I bite my cheek again but I'm not holding back laughter this time. No, what I'm holding back isn't even anger. It's some kind of barely controlled  _rage_ boiling in my blood and threatening to spread Blake's guts across this classroom.

My phone vibrates softly in my pocket and hawk-ears Lancer turns back to the classroom. He scans over us before he narrows his eyes slightly and looks in Jeff's direction. "Mr. Steele, can you tell me who wrote the poem  _Death Be Not Proud_  and in what year it was published?"

Jeff gives him a blank look and Lancer sighs exasperatedly, rolling his eyes like his whole class is stupid. His gaze shifts away from my teammate and instead, he looks toward someone else in the classroom. "What about you, Mr. Lester? Any idea what I'm talking about?"

I drag my phone from my pocket when the guy Lancer called on starts talking, glancing over the text with an inward groan. Of course it's this kind of text.

**From: Danny**

_**Please don't make a big deal out of sitting with Blake. I know you hate him but try to keep it quiet for me?** _

Fuck. Part of me thinks I'll never be able to keep my hatred for Blake quiet. Cause he's a fucking asshole and he completely  _wrecked_ Danny. But if Danny's asking me to keep it quiet for him then… fuck, I guess I am.

**To: Danny**

_**Only cause you asked me to.** _

* * *

Danny and I both get a stern look from Lancer on our way out of the classroom but Danny snorts which I think only pisses him off even more. The grin on Danny's face is completely worth the irritation I can feel from our English teacher.

"We'll probably go down in the history of his hated students, you know that right?" I joke, laughing at the innocence Danny tries to feign. He gives me a shocked look, pressing a hand over his heart and mouths, " _me_?" which cracks me up.

I'm busy watching the smile Danny's wearing and I don't realize Kwan's come up beside me until he claps his hand on my shoulder. He gives me a grin when I look his way. "You want to crash at my place tonight? My mom's working the late shift."

I start to respond, make some crack about how Kwan only wants me around so his mom will leave money for pizza, but I'm distracted when Paulina suddenly falls in step with us. Or more accurately, in step with  _Danny_.

She's pulling her hair back into a ponytail, grinning at something Danny's saying. He's smiling too and though his gaze flits toward me after a second or two, his stare doesn't linger the way mine does. He's instantly drawn back into the conversation with Paulina and I try not to let it bother me. I try to remind myself of everything I said to Danny in the library.  _It's his life._

"Earth to Dash." Kwan nudges his shoulder against mine, hesitantly smiling when I look back at him. He chews the corner of his bottom lip as his eyebrows draw down a little. "You didn't catch any of what I just said, huh?"

I steal another glance toward Danny, forcing myself to make the look quick, before I focus on Kwan again, shaking my head. "No. Sorry, I was a little distracted."

Kwan snorts, flicking his gaze past me to look at Danny. A wicked grin spreads across my best friend's face and I know him well enough to know that the look he's giving me is a bad thing. "Oh, I  _bet_."

My face heats up quickly as I try to avoid his gaze. "Shut up," I mumble, scratching the back of my head as I subtly steal a glance toward Danny again. If it was me that Paulina had pulled that shit on in sophomore year… I wouldn't be able to even imagine putting up with her after everything she did.

Fuck, part of me just wants to take Danny away from all of this. Spend a couple of weeks at the beach where I first saw the bruises on him, and eat the best fucking pizza he ever introduced me to and just let him get  _away_. But that's not how he wants to deal with this shit and I have to accept that. Cause while I'd run and hide, Danny wants to stay and fight. He doesn't want to cower or back down anymore. And if he won't let me take him away from this, then I'm gonna stick around and do my best to protect him.

"Could you eyefuck him anymore?" Kwan suddenly asks, his voice low and so close to my ear, I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.  _So much for subtly looking._

I jab Kwan in the rib with my elbow and cut him a look. He only responds with an overzealous grin and I want to knock his stupid teeth in. "Fuck off," I mumble, dropping my gaze to the ground as we step outside the school.

I'm down the stairs and several paces away when I glance over my shoulder. Danny and Paulina are still inside, standing just at the exit doors. He shifts his gaze from Paulina to me and for a second, he just looks at me.

I offer up a small smile before I turn back to Kwan, trying hard not to get so caught up in Danny. In everything he does. In the way his lips look just before they curve into a smile or the way he makes every ugly emotion beautiful.

"Hey, wait up!" Danny calls from behind me and I'm instantly turning back to face him. He bounds down the stairs toward me and Kwan slows to a stop a few paces ahead. Danny stops, a few inches of space between us, and smiles. "Headed out?" he asks, tilting his head to one side. He smiles when I nod and he lets his gaze drift out into the parking lot.

"Yeah, pretty sure… Kwan wants me to come by his place so we can order pizza," I mumble, shrugging when Danny meets my gaze. His eyes practically  _sparkle_ as he smiles and it's killing me.  _Why do you make me like you so much?_

"Cool… should be fun," he says with another smile. He hesitates a split second before he takes a step closer to me, letting out a soft breath. "Hey, listen… thanks for being cool about this. I really appreciate it."

I don't think I deserve his thanks. Cause I'm trying not to think about this shit or let it go or whatever it is that Danny wants me to do but I don't think I can. It's not in my blood to let shit like this go. Blake's a stupid son of a bitch and Paulina isn't much better. I get it. She didn't want Blake to let the whole town know that she was pregnant but  _still_. Danny didn't deserve that.

"Yeah, well… the least I could do after I've been such an exceptional ass to you in the past." I shrug when Danny gives me a funny look. "I've pushed you a lot."

Danny's expression brightens a little and he shakes his head. For a second, he just stares at me before he takes another step closer and I can't stop myself. He's too close and if I'm not touching him, I'll go insane.

I tug him against my chest and he relaxes at my touch. I run my hand down his spine and rest it comfortably against his lower back. He shivers a little at the touch but I can't convince myself to pull away. I want to do more than just touch him but it wouldn't be right. Not just because we're in the parking lot of our high-school with my best friend's beady eyes watching everything we do. More cause he's still hurting from Blake. From everything. I'm nobody's knight in shining armor and it'd be an insult to Danny if I let myself believe that he could ever see me that way.

"Have fun with Paulina," I mumble, pulling away from him. I just  _barely_ resist the urge to kiss his forehead, almost managing to convince myself that it'd be okay. That it'd be like that time after he called me, all bloody and panicked, and I drove him to my mom. But he's not bleeding and I don't have the courage to kiss him.

One corner of Danny's mouth tucks upward and I manage to return the smile before I let him go, stepping back as he turns to face Paulina again. He doesn't look back as he climbs up the stairs again but I can't tear my gaze away from him.

He comes up to where she's standing and she's instantly grinning at whatever he's saying to her. There's a pang in my heart, watching the two of them connect so easily. I want to be a part of it. Not so I can protect him… I want it because I miss when things were simple between us. Before I knew about his abilities or what Paulina did or fucking  _Blake_... before he knew about my dad or how shit things have become with my mom. I miss just having a friend that I was lowkey crushing on.

Kwan bumps his shoulder with mine and gives me a sympathetic look but I don't return it. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me just cause I can't hold Danny in my arms. "Come on. Let's go to my place. We'll play video games or something, okay?"

I don't think my stupid heart is gonna be happy with anything other than Danny in my arms but… good food and a great friend might be the start. And if I can never have the boy I love, I guess it's better to start getting over it now before it completely destroys me. If it hasn't already.

* * *

Kwan forces me to study for our history final next week before he'll let me order a pizza and by that point, I'm ready to die or sell my soul to the history gods. Forget pizza, I need alcohol to cure this.

"Why is  _all_ of this gonna be on the final?" I groan, shoving my face into a pillow I stole from the couch. It muffles my words into a barely audible whine but Kwan still laughs and swats me on the back with a pillow.

"You know, you probably wouldn't be having so much trouble with this if you had actually paid attention in class this year," Kwan teases, laughing when I stick my middle finger up at him. "Seriously, you used to be better than me in history."

I press my face harder into the pillow, groaning again. It only makes Kwan laugh harder so I lift my head high enough to glare at him. I want to smack that stupid ass grin off his face but I snort instead, rolling my eyes. "Whatever."

Kwan collapses on the floor next to me, letting out a quiet groan as he settles, rolling over to face me. He's got a stupid grin on his face and I can tell that whatever comes out of his mouth isn't gonna be good.

"Do you whine this much when you study with Danny?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. He laughs at the flush I can feel heating up my cheeks, and pokes me in the ribcage with his index finger.

I manage to glare at him before I bury my face in the pillow again. God, I wish I was hanging out with Danny right now. He wouldn't be teasing me. We'd just study and he'd be away from Paulina and wouldn't have to worry about Blake catching up to him after school cause I'd be by his side. Ready to protect him in a second if that fucker tried anything.

Kwan notices the shift in me and his tone loses all hint of teasing to it. "You okay?"

I don't think I am. But I don't have the  _right_ to not be. Cause this is  _Danny's_ shit to deal with, not mine. He's the one that should be hurting. The one that should be worrying about Blake, not me. But I'm fucking terrified that Blake'll try something and I won't be there and it'll set Danny back at square fucking one.

Kwan raises an eyebrow when I lift my head from the pillow again and roll over onto my back, exhaling out heavily as I close my eyes. I don't want to think about this shit anymore. I want to stop letting it fuck with me. But I'm  _stuck_. I can't stop myself from thinking about it. From over-analyzing every moment I've spent with Danny this year. Every second that Blake was with me. When we partied at the beach, Danny hung back from the water. He wouldn't get in and I thought he was doing it cause he was bruised. But fuck, maybe he was trying to avoid being around Blake as much as possible.

"Something bothering you?" Kwan asks and I can picture the look on his face. I can hear the concern in his tone and I know he's worrying about me. Cause I left the lunch table earlier and barely responded to his texts.

I rest my arm across my forehead, letting out a breath. If I say yes, Kwan will ask what's bugging me. If I say no, he'll know I'm lying. Something  _is_ bothering me but that's not what he's really asking. He wants to know if I'm okay.

"I'll be fine, Kwan," I respond, running a hand down my face. I don't want to talk about Danny. Or any of this shit. I don't want to think about any fucked-up part of my life. I just want to think about what Coach told me. About the scholarships.  _That's_ what I want to focus on. Cause it's a good thing and I could fucking use a good thing right now.

Kwan shifts closer to me, his shoulder brushing mine as he settles down again with a sigh. "You sure?" he asks softly. I don't want to lie to him. I don't want to pretend that everything's okay but I don't have the right to talk about this shit. Danny's the one that Blake fucked up, not me. What right do I have to talk about it?

"You ever… find out a secret… and have no fucking clue how to deal with it?" I ask, my voice quiet. Cause I know I shouldn't be talking about this. I trust Kwan and I know that he'll never breathe a word of this but still… it's not my place.

I start to tell him never mind, change the subject back to something meaningless but Kwan beats me to it. He exhales heavily, his gaze on the ceiling when I look toward him. His expression is pinched and the breath he drags is in shaky.

"Yes," Kwan says, his voice barely above a whisper on the one word. His eyes flutter closed and he exhales out, slowly shaking his head. "I found out the real reason my parents are getting a divorce. All this time, I thought it was because of me. Because I'm  _gay._  But… it's not."

Shit. I've never for a second thought his parent's divorce was his fault. One look at the pained expression on his face tells me he's been blaming himself for a long time.  _Fuck. I promised I wouldn't let him get this bad._

"It was... never your fault, Kwan," I say, turning toward him more. He squeezes his eyes closed tighter and breathes out a shaky breath.  _It's not your fault._  I don't know how to get him to understand it but I can't stand the thought of Kwan hating himself for even a  _second_ cause of this shit between his parents.

I shift closer to him, putting a hand on his shoulder despite the way he winces at the contact. "Hey, come on. You know it's not your fault. It's… life sucks but that doesn't make it your fault. It's gonna be okay."

Kwan opens his eyes, keeping his stare on the ceiling and I have the feeling that my words did shit for him. The things that I said were barely comforting and I hate that I can never say the right thing. Of all the people in my life, Kwan deserves better than my shitty wording.

"I'm sorry. I know you're hurting and… I wish there was something I could say. But I know that it's not helping and you kinda gotta figure this out on your own cause I've been… w-well… I get it, okay?" I'm rambling at this point and I know Kwan can tell. But one corner of his mouth is quirked upward and I breathe out a sigh of relief, letting his small half-smile spur me on. "Seriously, life's shit and I hate that you're dealing with this but you're not… dealing with it alone. Or… you don't  _have_ to deal with it alone. I'm here. You  _know_ I'm here."

Kwan nods, turning to look at me as he swallows hard. "Thanks. I know you're always on my side. I should have told you about this before but… I don't know, you've got your own shit to deal with," he mumbles, shrugging as he looks away from me. "My mom told me that dad was cheating on her for a long time. And she found out late last year. She was trying to fix things – keep the three of us a family at least until I graduated high school but… a-after the way he started treating me when I… came out, she told me that was the last straw for her."

Fuck. Kwan's mom has been nothing but kind to me and she doesn't deserve someone like that in her life. And Kwan sure as hell deserves a better father than that. God, I really hope Kwan knows now that this isn't his fault. That his parents divorce has  _nothing_ to do with him. It's his stupid, shitty dad.

"I'm sorry. That fucking sucks," I mumble, nudging my shoulder against his in some show of comfort. Kwan smiles at the action, letting his eyes fall closed. He doesn't look like he's holding it together this time. More like he's letting it  _go_. And I'm so busy being envious of how easy he's making it look, I almost forget I was the one that brought this conversation up.

He breathes out, that smile disappearing from his face as he turns to look at me. "Anyway, what made you ask that?"

Fuck… I almost wish I'd never asked him. I only said something cause I wanted to talk about Danny  _again_ without ever asking Kwan what the hell is going on in  _his_ life. Am I ever gonna get this shit right? Am I ever gonna be able to get Kwan to believe that I really do care about him and that I'm just an asshole that's so focused on my own shit, I can't ask anyone else about what's going on with them?

"It's… nothing. Forget I asked," I mumble, sitting up as I run a hand down my face. I find my phone on the floor between us and I unlock it, glancing toward Kwan as I let out a breath. "What kind of pizza do you want?"

Kwan frowns, sitting up too. He puts a hand on top of my phone, his eyebrows drawing down. "Hang on a second. What's going on?"

I shrug, trying to play it off, and drop my gaze back to my phone, pushing his hand off my screen. "Nothing. Are you gonna make me get some gross toppings on half of the pizza or are you gonna spare me from that tonight?"

"Dash, stop." Kwan swipes my phone from my hand and slides it behind him, giving me a serious look when I manage to meet his gaze. "Seriously. I  _know_ you, okay? You can't lie to me… what's going on?"

A stuttered breath leaves me and I drop my stare to the carpet. I don't want to talk about this. I don't have the  _right_ to talk about it. This is Danny's shit to bring up and I shouldn't. I'm gonna go out of my fucking mind if I don't get it off my chest. But it's not my shit to talk about.

"Do you remember…the night after the championship game? When you and I were… hanging out on the balcony?" My voice is barely above a whisper and I swallow hard as soon as the words leave my mouth.  _This is wrong._

"Yeah?" Kwan asks, his brows furrowed in confusion.

I let out a shaky breath, closing my eyes as a shiver runs through me. I wonder if Kwan can tell what I'm thinking about. I wonder if he's ever realized how much that night rattled me. How much it's made me unable to stop thinking about Danny. About every moment I've spent with him and how whenever we're together, he smiles more and he panics less and I-

I drop my forehead into my hands, letting out a slow breath. "Forget it. I can't tell you."

Kwan shifts next to me, his shoulder against mine – grounding me in this moment.  _You're not back on that balcony. You're not holding him. He's not crying into your chest. You're not-_

"What is it?" Kwan asks softly and I choke, covering my mouth with the palm of my hand.

This hurts. Every part of this hurts. I want to tell someone. I want to get it off my chest and I want to let it  _go_. But it's not my shit to talk about. I can't tell Kwan anything without Danny's permission. He's had enough people talking about him behind his back all his life. He doesn't need me to be one of those people.

"Kwan,  _please_ ," I'm pleading with the both of us at this point, begging him to understand what I can't say and willing myself to have the strength to stay silent. I've pushed Danny so fucking much in the past. He deserves my silence about something so goddamn important.

He slides his arm around my back. "Hey, come on. It's me," he says, trying to soothe me but it doesn't work. Nothing will work when I'm like this. "What is it?"

I shake my head again but that's all I can do. If I try to speak, I'll say his name and I can't do that to him. I can't talk about this without his permission. I can't tell a goddamn  _soul_ until he tells me it's okay. He deserves better than that.

"Does it have something to do with your dad?" Kwan asks, exhaling softly when I shake my head. "Okay, um… did your mom call you or something?"

I swallow hard, groaning quietly and he takes that as some sort of answer and he pushes for more. He asks me what she said. How I'm doing. What's been going on. I don't have an answer for him. I don't have  _any_ answers for him.

"Kwan." I lift my head, dragging in a splintered breath. "Stop. Just… stop, okay?"

He falls silent next to me and I rake my fingers through my hair. I can't tell him about Danny. As much as I want to, it's not my shit to talk about. Danny deserves better than that.

I wouldn't even know where to start. I've talked about this shit with Paulina and Danny and  _fuck_  I'm tired of talking about it. I just want to reach back through the past and rip Blake's throat out for ever touching Danny. For ever making him  _cower._

"Dash," Kwan calls softly, his voice barely above a whisper. His hesitation tells me that he's concerned. More than concerned, Kwan's  _scared_  for me. Something in my tone of voice or in the way my hands won't stop fucking shaking has gotten under my best friend's skin. He's scared for me. And it's not like I can blame him. I'm scared too. But not for me and not even for Danny right now. I'm scared of how angry I am. How angry I'll  _always_ be from now on. Cause Blake put his fucking hands on Danny and I can't handle the thought of it without seeing red.

I drag in a breath and wish for things to be different. For me to have the strength in my lungs to tell him everything. If I had Danny's permission, I'd spill all of this to Kwan.

I'd tell him about Paulina's dad showing up at my house. I'd tell him about holding Danny in his backyard and feeling the sobs wrack through his body. I'd confess to him about being so angry I can't see straight and I'd tell him how my selfish heart wants to know that all of this shit won't ruin my chances of one day holding Danny in my arms. I want it more than almost anything. But I want him to be okay more. And I don't think he'll ever be okay in the arms of another football player.

* * *

Kwan forces me into staying with him for the night. Even though I try to insist that I'm fine, he says that he'll worry. I start to tell him that it's too late to worry - my stupid heart is in the middle of this shit now - but I know he won't understand without an explanation… and it's not like I can give him one.

We eat pizza and play videogames until his mom gets home, just after eleven. As soon as she's settled at the table, eating some food she picked up on her way home, I make my escape upstairs. Kwan doesn't get a chance to protest before I lock myself away in the shower.

I stand underneath the spray, staring up at the shower head, a million and one thoughts running through my head. It's not like me to turn my brain off and the odds of managing it now are pretty slim. Danny's… fuck. No wonder his dad basically threatened me when I was at his place on Thanksgiving. He doesn't want to see his son go through that again. He  _can't_  see it again. I know I couldn't.

There's a soft knock on the bathroom door so I leave the shower. I towel off and dress quickly in the clothes I swiped from Kwan's dresser, only glancing at myself in the mirror for a split-second before I'm out. Kwan's standing on the other side of the door, frowning at me when I step out of the bathroom. He gives me a hesitant smile and I somehow manage to return it before I step past him and start for his bedroom.

"Just so you know, my mom's worried about you," Kwan says over his shoulder on the way into the bathroom. He stops in front of the sink to brush his teeth and I only watch him for a few seconds before I move into his bedroom, crossing the room to stare out the window.

There are so many stars up above and Danny could be looking at any one of them right now. He could be staring up at the same sky I am right now. Or maybe he's passed out asleep in his bed already… but something tells me that's not where he is right now.

Kwan lets out a long sigh as he steps into his bedroom behind him, pushing the door closed. "Don't know about you but I'm exhausted." He moves around in his room behind me, putting things away and generally straightening up, all while I'm glued to the window.

It feels like forever since I talked to Danny about this shit with Blake. Since I held him in my arms in his backyard. I wonder if Danny would have ever told me the truth if I'd never figured it out. It's not like he owes me that conversation but… I like to think that someday, he would have told me without any prompting.

"You gonna lay down or are you gonna stare out the window for the rest of your life?" Kwan asks, obviously teasing me, but I can hear the quiet concern laced around his words. It's not just his mom that's worried – he is too. And I know my best friend pretty damn well, he'll probably worry about me forever.

I turn around, giving him the smile that I can manage before I shuffle the few spaces between the window and the air mattress. I collapse onto the mattress with a heavy groan, stretching my arms over my head. Today feels like it's been long as fuck but it's just like every other Monday in this goddamn town. Uneventful and straighter than I am.

Kwan cuts out the light before he crosses the room to his bed. It takes him a few minutes of shifting around on his mattress to get comfortable but he finally stops moving and his room is almost dead quiet afterward.

"Hey, Dash?" Kwan whispers when the silence has stretched between us for the better part of ten minutes. I turn my head toward him in response, hoping that he knows I'm listening. "I'm kinda… worried about you too, I guess. Not nearly as much as my mom cause I get that you'd tell me if something was serious. But… I don't know. Earlier it just seemed like... I kinda got the feeling that this  _is_ something serious. You just seemed… really angry over whatever this is."

I exhale through my nose, turning my head to stare up at Kwan's ceiling. At least what I'm guessing is the ceiling in the darkness of his bedroom. I can't remember a time when I was this angry. In the past, I've gotten pissed off but it's never been something that a long drive or an afternoon at Alex's can't fix. This is… I don't think there's any fixing this.

"Relax. I'm fine," I say, almost choking over the things I'd do to Blake in a second if he tries anything. I want to do what Danny's asked of me and not make this shit a big deal but I can't handle even the thought of Blake getting his hands on Danny and-  _fuck._ It tears at my sanity to even think about something happening to the boy that's got me wrapped around his finger.

Silence falls between us and it's uncomfortable and smothering. I hate that I can't break it. I hate that I can't drag my mind away from the boy I've fallen so fucking hard for long enough to have a conversation with my best friend.

Kwan exhales softly, turning toward me a little. He finally breaks the silence with a short laugh. "So… I uh… I may or may not be flirting with some guy on Grindr  _purely_ because he has a nice ass," he says, a clear grin in his tone. I try really fucking hard to hold back a snort but it escapes and Kwan chucks a pillow at me.

"Shut  _up_ , he's also really interesting and has a great sense of humor," he tries to argue but it's too late. He admitted that he's talking to this guy cause of his ass. I'm pretty sure as his best friend I'm not allowed to let something like this go.

"So what you're saying is that he has a lot of great…  _assets,_  huh?" I ask, turning toward him with a grin that I know he can definitely hear in my voice.

He whines loudly in response and in the darkness, I can just barely make out him covering his head with his blankets. "You're such a jerk," he says, his voice muffled. He pokes one hand out of his covers, wiggling his fingers. "Gimme my pillow back."

My phone lights up next to me as I hand the pillow back to him and the glow illuminates the rom. I shift my gaze to the device, snatching it up as I collapse back on my own pillow. Two more texts come in while I'm typing in my passcode and I open up my messages.

**From: Paulina**

_**You owe me so big** _

_**I've been doing some birthday recon for you** _

_**I'm now armed with some gift ideas to get Danny** _

**To: Paulina**

_**What makes you think I don't already have this figured out?** _

In truth, I only have a small part figured out. I know I'm taking him stargazing at the outlook when we celebrate his birthday over the weekend. But other than that… fuck, I could probably use Paulina's help.

**From: Paulina**

_**You're forgetting that I know you** _

Ouch. I know I don't give the greatest gifts in the world but I put in a lot of effort. I try to get stuff that my friends will actually like. At least… I think I do anyway.

**To: Paulina**

_**The hell is that supposed to mean?** _

**From: Paulina**

_**You brought me gifts the day after my birthday last year** _

Shit, that's right… her birthday had slipped my mind and I ended up having to pick everything up for her that night. Considering that was the weekend my mom and I were  _both_ admitted to the hospital cause of the shit my dad was doing, I feel like she would have understood if I'd told her. But… it felt like a shitty excuse to give so I never mentioned it. At least I remembered to text her before the day was officially gone.

**From: Paulina**

_**Anyway, it doesn't matter** _

_**Point is… you and I are going shopping after school tomorrow** _

Damn, doesn't sound like she's giving me much of a choice. Not that I'd exactly fight her, I could probably use her help. But… fuck, I know she's trying to help but I don't know if I can be around her. All this shit that happened with Blake isn't her fault but… she's tied into it. In one fucked up way or another, she's a part of this whole mess.

But… Danny's been hanging around her. And he told me not to make this a big deal. I'm supposed to let it go. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that but I think it starts with Paulina. I'll never be able to forgive Blake or let go of the shit that he did but this isn't Paulina's fault. I still can't believe the shit she did to Danny in sophomore year but… Danny's put it behind him. The least I can do is try to do the same. And besides, whatever she comes up with for his birthday is gonna be ten times better than anything I could come up with.

**To: Paulina**

_**Fine but you're buying me a coffee** _

**From: Paulina**

_**Deal** _

* * *

School passes by in a blur on Tuesday. Coach talks to me during my free period again to tell me that Northviewofficially decided on a date to fly me out. He gives me a couple of dates to remember and I put them all down in my phone's calendar and I text Alex the official day for the flight to go up to Amridge.

Alex responds with a message that includes way too many exclamation points but I can't deny the way that it makes my chest swell with pride every time I read over it. God, it feels good having someone be proud of me again. The last time dad was proud of me was probably in fucking little league or something.

I spend the rest of my free period with Danny, cutting up in the back of the library and making him laugh by reading him a bunch of stupid jokes I find on my phone. At one point, one of the librarians tells us we need to be quiet and Danny can barely hold in a snicker when I make a face at him while she has her back turned to me.

The bell eventually rings and we go our separate ways until English class. Where I continue on my quest to make him laugh, completely in love with the way his smile makes the skin around his eyes crinkle up until his eyes look like crescent moons. It's fucking adorable.

Even though Lancer sends a stern look our way during the middle of his class, he doesn't separate us like he did yesterday. So we leave his classroom together and we're joking and cutting up when Blake is suddenly next to us.

He doesn't meet my gaze but he does stare daggers at Danny. And the boy that my heart is set on falters. He stumbles in his step, almost loses his footing, but he rights himself. The glare that Blake sent his way doesn't stop the starlight boy, even if it does make him pause.

Danny darts his gaze to me when Blake storms out of the building and down the steps. Danny doesn't try to get the conversation back to where it was, he just meets my gaze with a soft exhale and lifts one shoulder at me. If Danny hadn't asked me to not make this a big deal, I'd go after Blake and pound his fucking brains out. How dare he fuck with Danny like this.

"It's okay," I tell Danny, even though I can tell his hands are starting to tremble. This isn't anywhere close to okay but I force a small smile on my face, more for his benefit than mine.

He returns the smile after a second of hesitation and he lets out a shaky laugh. "S-So…  _anyway._  We were talking about studying for your algebra final?"

Math is like a subtle form of torture for me – even with Danny's help – but if talking about math keeps Danny from having to talk about Blake, I'll discuss algorithms and equations for the rest of my life. As long as that smile stays on his face, I'll talk to Danny about anything he wants me to.

"Yeah, I'm definitely gonna need your help. I seriously wouldn't even be able to take my finals this semester if it wasn't for you. This class was incredibly brutal," I respond, groaning a little as I think about it again. All those nights I spent sacrificing my time and effort up to the algebra gods… if only I'd found Danny sooner.

Danny's shoulder bumps mine as we descend the stairs together and it makes the breath catch in my throat. Every time that he accidentally touches me, my heart gives me away and I end up with a racing pulse and a flushed face. It's only a matter of time before Danny realizes why I stumble over my words when he smiles at me.

"We can do some of your homework now if you want to…?" Danny offers, a half-smile on his face when I manage to meet his gaze. He lifts one shoulder again in another shrug, tilting his head to one side. "You can come by my house and we'll go over it together."

I think stars are born and galaxies are formed with the smile on Danny's lips. I want to go with him. But not just to do my homework. I want to follow him home and I want to line his skin with kisses. I want him to know what it feels like to be cared about. To be lusted after in the most innocent sense of the word. To show him that it's not just his body that I crave. I want his hands to fit into mine and I want his heart to know that it's safe with me. I want this boy but I wasn't made to hold starlight in my palms and call it mine.

"I'm gonna have to pass… Paulina beat you to the invite – I'm supposed to head out soon to meet up with her," I say, offering up a shrug when Danny raises an eyebrow. "I don't know, her idea. We're hanging out at the mall or something."

He frowns a little, chewing on his bottom lip as we come to a stop beside his car. He glances up, seeming almost surprised that we're here already. It shows just how much he was paying attention to me instead of where we were heading.  _Danny… tell me that you get caught up in staring at me the same way that I do you._

"You're… hanging out with Paulina?" he asks softly, more than the simple question clear in his tone. His expression is worried when I meet his gaze and he quickly tears his gaze from mine with a small shrug. "I-It's none of my business, I'm sorry."

I want to tell him that he's got it wrong. That things are purely platonic between me and her but… would that be too obvious? Do I even  _care_ about being subtle anymore?

Danny fumbles with his keys and his backpack, struggling to open his car door. He starts a little, his flush deepening when I put my hand on top of his, opening the door for him. I hesitate on pulling my hand back from his and I can't help but wonder about the blush on his face. What it means.

"Th-Thanks," he breathes, meeting my gaze as he swallows hard.

I chance my luck and shuffle forward a few steps with a shrug. There's barely any space between us now and my own breath catches in my throat when he exhales out heavily, his breath hanging in the air.  _Shit… we're close enough to kiss if he wanted us to…_

Danny meets my gaze, his blue eyes shining as he shyly bites down on his bottom lip. I want to tug that lip from between his teeth and kiss him so hard, he'll forget everything but the feeling of my lips on his.

There are so many things I want to say – so many things I  _need_ to say to him. But they all get caught at the back of my throat and no amount of coughing could ever convince me to spit them out. This isn't the time.  _But god, I want him._

"Baxter, you better not have ditched me!" Paulina's voice rings out through the parking lot and Danny and I both turn to look. Paulina's standing next to my car, a few spaces down from where I am. Her hands on her hips as she glances around the lot, looking for me. A knowing smirk grows on her face when she finally sees who I'm with and Danny laughs nervously as he looks back at me.

"Guess that's your cue, huh?" he asks, a shy smile on his face.

I wish it wasn't. I wish I could just get in Danny's car and hang out with him until tonight ends. Or hell, even just a few hours would be better than having to leave him. But he doesn't need me to hold his hand or tell him that everything's gonna be okay. He just needs a friend and I desperately have to try to be that for him right now.

Danny gives me a hug before he gets into his car and I think a part of my heart leaves the parking lot with him as he drives away. Even though I know Paulina's waiting on me by my car, I stay rooted in the spot his car was just parked in, watching until he disappears from the lot.

"Hey," Paulina calls, coming to a stop next to me. She shifts her bag on her shoulder and gives me a smile when I turn to look at her, nodding toward my car. "You ready to go?"

I somehow manage to return the smile and it doesn't feel forced. I push all of this shit with Blake and everything Danny's told me to the back of my mind, not willing to let it fuck things up today. I've missed hanging around Paulina without all of  _this_ being a part of our interactions. And even though Danny will definitely be a topic of conversation today, I don't have to let our talk turn to the dark shit. Not for a while anyway. There'll be a time when I'll need Paulina to tell me everything but right now isn't it. Right now, we're just two people hanging out. I could definitely use more moments like this.

* * *

Paulina and I argue over the stereo the whole drive until we reach downtown Amity Park and it feels like old times between us. Except instead of getting pissed off, we trade insults about each other's music taste with the biggest fucking grins on our faces.

"All I'm saying is that there's more than  _one_ genre of music, Dash," Paulina says, laughing when I put on a mock hurt expression. The expression easily gives way to a grin as I coast my car to a stop in one of the available spaces outside of the only mall that Amity Park has to boast.

I turn the engine off. "You're one to talk. I practically have every Lana Del Ray album burned into my memory because of you."

Paulina sticks her tongue out and says something about how I wouldn't know good taste if it bit me in the ass before she gets out of my car. I pocket my phone and keys before I climb out of my car too, slamming the door shut behind me before I shrug my jacket on.

"I feel like it's been forever since I've come to the mall," Paulina says, stretching her arms over her head with a cute noise as she fits her jacket around her. The bottom of her shirt rides up a little and I catch sight of her hipbones, something in me stirring at the memory of trailing kisses down her body at her summer house.

She drops her arms with a soft exhale, her gaze instantly flicking to me. I pretend to be interested in the pavement as we start up to the door to the mall, biting back a grin. For half a second, I think I've flown under her radar but she scoffs, bumping her shoulder into mine.

"Don't think I didn't see that, Baxter. Still checking me out after all this time?" she asks, smirking at the flush I can feel creeping across my face. I don't think I'll ever want to date her again cause we both know that we're better off apart but hey – she's still really fucking hot.

I shrug, unable to hold back the smile any longer, and glance toward her. "Can't help it. If things were different… I don't think I would have broken up with you."

Paulina laughs – a real laugh. The kind that makes her tilt her head back and screws her eyes closed and leaves me with a grin on my face. She wipes the heels of her palms under her eyes, shaking her head as she looks at me.

"You know… if things don't work out with Danny, let me know," Paulina says, giving me a wink when I meet her gaze. "I'm  _mostly_ kidding."

She opens the door to the mall and steps back, letting me in first. I stop only a few paces inside and wait until she's next to me before I speak. "I doubt anything's gonna work out with Danny," I say, shrugging when she looks at me.

Paulina's eyebrows draw down and she tilts her head to one side. "What do you mean? Why won't it work out?"

I could mention the fact that I fucking suck as a boyfriend, or that the idea of commitment scares the fuck out of me. I could even just say that the timing sucks cause we'll both be heading out of this town next year but none of that shit is the truth. It's Danny. He's why we can't work out. Cause he's still wrecked and I don't know how to fix him.

"The shit with Blake… really fucked him up, Paulina. I don't know if he's gonna be ready to date anybody for a long time," I say, shrugging again when she shakes her head. "I know, it sucks. But… I'm not gonna push him for anything."  _Not again._

Paulina stops me with a hand on my arm, pausing outside some store advertising clothes I'll never be enough of a douche to wear. I let out a breath, meeting her gaze as I shake my head, a thousand reasons why this'll never work on the tip of my tongue but she beats me to it.

"Don't you think you should let  _him_ decide when he's ready?" she asks softly, sliding her hand down my arm to thread her fingers between mine. "I can't imagine how he's feeling but… maybe he's doing better than you think?"

I've only known Danny for three months. In that time I've managed to learn about his anxiety, some of the shit going on in between him and his parents, his powers, and his abusive ex-boyfriend. I've watched him literally be stitched back together only to fall apart in my arms. I've held him as he cried and tried my fucking hardest to put him back together again. And I've fallen completely,  _hopelessly_ in love with him. I think it's safe to say that I know him pretty damn well.

"Trust me. If I thought there was a chance, I'd tell him how I feel." I drop my gaze to our hands. "But he's broken and jumping into another relationship isn't gonna fix him. And I'm a pathetic form of super-glue anyway."

Paulina groans softly and shakes her head when I look up at her again but she doesn't tell me I'm wrong. I think deep down, even  _she_ knows that I'm right. That this thing with Danny is never gonna work. Cause after all, I'm not the kind of guy that people stay with.

* * *

We walk from store to store and though Paulina finds a CD for Danny, I don't find anything for him. Nothing screams his name in any of the stores we look and I doubt giving the boy you want to kiss a pair of  _socks_ will get his attention.

Paulina suggests a bunch of things that she swears Danny's into but I can't make a decision for my life. And I refuse to settle for a fucking Starbucks gift card. That's the kind of shit I'd get one of my teammates or somebody I work with. Not  _Danny._  He deserves the whole universe not just a fucking cup of coffee.

It's just past seven when we give up for the day and wander into the food court. We're both exhausted and neither one of us want to eat at home. So we get burgers from the only decent place in the mall and sit at a table in the corner of the food court.

"You know," Paulina says, pausing to wipe her mouth on a napkin before she continues. "Even though we didn't find anything for you to give him… today's still been really fun." She smiles, ducking her head to take another bite from her burger.

I've had fun today too. More fun than I've had in  _years_ but… there's still a part of me that's hesitant. Cause even though I've been having fun and joking around with Paulina for most of the day, I still think of Danny. Every second that's quiet and leaves room for anything else to sneak into my senses, he's there. And when I think of Danny, I think of all the other shit too. With Blake and Paulina and everything that fucked him up in his sophomore year. It's always in the back of my mind but in the silence that falls between me and Paulina… it feels like it's fucking screaming at me.

"You're kinda quiet… whatcha thinking about?" Paulina asks, swiping one of my fries for herself. She grins as she delicately bites into it, arching an eyebrow at me in some kind of challenge. Like I care that much that she's stolen my fries.

I drop my gaze to the table, not sure if I should be bringing this shit up right now. Especially considering we're in public. But I think I'm gonna go insane if I don't ask her – or  _someone_ – how the fuck to handle all of this.

"I'm just… thinking about Danny," I mumble, exhaling out heavily before I continue. "And… the shit that Blake did. Just… Danny's sophomore year in general and… I don't know. I just wish I'd known him then. Probably would've been nice to have someone on his side."

Paulina exhales, her expression pinched when I look up at her again. I don't understand the look she's giving me… it's not like I hate  _her_ for what happened. I get her part of this. She did a shitty thing but at least she not acknowledged it, she's also never gonna do it again. Cause she's not that person anymore. But Blake… how can anyone expect me to  _not_ hate him for the shit that he's done?

"Dash, this will eat you alive if you let it," Paulina says, biting her bottom lip before she exhales out. "Things are different now. And believe me, I understand why this bothers you so much but you have to let it go. If not for your sake, for Danny's. Earlier you were talking about giving up on dating him because of this but what if he's afraid of that? What if he's been worrying that people won't want to be with him because of everything that's happened?"

I don't know if Danny's ever thought of me the way that I think of him but… I wouldn't want him to think that I won't date him because of his past. Because of the things that have happened to him. No, that's not why I'd pull back. The only reason that I wouldn't press my lips to his skin and whisper in his ear that he's fucking  _beautiful_ is because I know he's still hurting. He might be able to hang around Blake in the cafeteria during school and invite him to a party but Danny's still hurting. Even if he won't admit it, I  _know_  he's still hurting.

"How… did it all happen with you? With Blake I mean?"

It's not my place to ask but I can't help it. I can't hold back when it comes to Danny. And I think to understand Danny's pain, I have to understand this whole mess.

Paulina brushes her hair back with one hand, lifting her stare to meet mine with a shaky inhale. "We were at a party… you know, a typical after-game thing. You and I were doing our whole off again thing and I… just didn't want to be alone that night. So when Blake started hitting on the cheerleaders like he does all the time, I flirted with him."

Paulina drops her gaze and a flash of shame crawls over me. I have to stop letting my own damn curiosity take priority over how someone else feels. I pushed Danny to his fucking  _breaking_ point before. I can't do that to anyone else.

"You don't have to tell me. Forget I asked," I say, my voice carrying that same weight of shame it did the day I apologized to Danny after that trip to the beach.  _And practically begged him to keep talking to me…_

She meets my gaze again, shaking her head. "No… I think I need to tell someone the whole story," she says in a whisper, her breath shaking on the few words.

It's only a few inches between her hand and mine but it still takes all the courage in my weathered soul to reach across the table and put my hand over hers. She starts a little at the contact but she quickly threads our fingers together and continues with the story.

"We were just supposed to hook up once but… we were both lonely so… whenever you and I weren't together, Blake and I would mess around at parties. We didn't think about getting pregnant, we were just… fooling around. Like you and I did," she whispers, her eyes falling closed as she lets out a soft breath.

I squeeze her hand in mine and she seems to draw some strength from the action, her eyes opening after a few seconds. I give her a nod, hoping it encourages her to keep going and she gives me a sad smile in response.

"I went looking for him at one party and I found him in my room… with Danny," she says, nodding when my eyes widen. "Apparently whenever you and I were together at parties, so were Blake and Danny."

Fuck. How long were they fucking each other before they started dating? Did Danny  _know_ that Blake was also fucking Paulina? How did I never notice him there with the football crowd? Shit, when did all of this get so goddamn complicated?

Paulina's talking again, her words garbled together in my head and not making any sense. She says something else about Blake – something about him freaking out when Paulina found him – but it barely makes any sense.

"… which is when his  _parents_ decided they needed to get involved. So you can imagine how great that conversation was. My mom on one side of me, her lawyer on the other side, his parents talking over everything Blake was trying to say and of course I-"

"What the fuck?" I breathe, meeting her gaze when she falls silent. She tilts her head to one side in question and I can only offer up a hesitant shrug. "Sorry, I… missed all of that. What was that about you… finding him with Danny?"

Paulina gives me a look like she gets exactly why I tuned out everything else she was saying. She shakes her head, gathering up our garbage and nods toward the trash can. "Come on, we'll talk on the way home."

I follow her over to the trash can, jamming my hands into my pockets as I wait for her to ditch everything. She slides her purse onto her shoulder and puts her jacket on again before she nods toward the door.

We walk side by side away from the food court and out of the mall, barely saying a word until we're outside. Paulina makes a face at the weather and pulls her jacket around her more tightly.

"All the colleges I've applied to are out west – I'm so over winter weather," Paulina grumbles, ducking her chin down inside her jacket collar with a sigh. She glares at me when I laugh, rolling her eyes as she looks away from me. "You suck, Baxter."

I bite back a hesitant smile, digging my keys from my pocket as we stop next to my car. I open the passenger door for her and she smirks, batting her eyelashes as she leans against the open door. "You're  _such_ a gentleman, Dash. I hope Danny realizes how lucky he is," she says with a shit-eating grin at the flush I can feel on my face.

"Shut up," I respond, pushing her toward the car. "J-Just get in so I can get rid of you."

Paulina tilts her head back in a laugh but she gets in the car and I close the door behind her. She grins at me from behind the glass and I roll my eyes before I start over to the other side of the car. I pause when I'm at my door, my gaze lifting to the night sky overhead and I wonder if Danny's looking at it right now too. I wonder if he's studying the stars or just casually looking out at them the way I am.

"Are you getting in or what?" Paulina asks, leaning across the drivers seat to tap on the window. When I drop my gaze to my car, she's grinning up at me. Like the conversation we're about to have isn't gonna be ugly one. Like it's not painful for her to dredge up all these ugly emotions. I don't know how she does it but Paulina wears her pain the way I've never been able to. She keeps a smile on her face and makes it look effortless.

* * *

We're almost a mile down the road from the mall when Paulina starts to talk again. She tells me the whole story – starting completely over again. She talks about the parties she and Blake would hook up at and how Blake acted after she found him with Danny. Her voice cracks when she tells me about reading the results of the pregnancy test alone in her bathroom in the middle of the night and I feel a lump in my own throat as I picture it how she's telling me. Her sitting on the floor of her bathroom, her chest heaving as sobs wrack her. The horror she must have felt when the test read positive.

I keep driving and she keeps talking – telling me how everything played out. She tells me that Blake didn't care when she told him that it was his baby and the waver in her voice is enough to make me want to knock that asshole's teeth in. I hate that he's fucked up not only Danny but Paulina too. She hasn't been the best person in the past but… she never deserved this shit.

Paulina composes herself in between telling me about skipping cheerleading practices as she tried to figure this out and retelling me the part about Danny. About how Blake threatened to tell everyone that she was pregnant if she didn't go along with him. If she didn't get the focus off of Blake by putting it on  _Danny_ instead. And the way she tells it – the picture she paints of Blake threatening her in person and over text and even going so far as to get himself invited to her house for dinner a few times… it makes me ache for her. And for a moment, a  _single_ second of time… I sympathize with her.

God, I  _understand_ why she did what she did. I get it now. It sucks and it was a shitty thing to do but I understand her now. And I feel like such an asshole for not getting it before. For not seeing that the Paulina I know would  _never_ have done that to someone if she'd had the choice. But Blake backed her into a corner and he made her do it. He's the one that deserves my anger.

Her story winds down the closer we get to Casper High and by the time I'm parked next to her Beetle, she's told me everything. About how her mom talked her into having an abortion and how Blake's parents found out about him anyway. Despite how hard he'd tried to keep it all a secret, his parents found out somehow and they sent him away. I know I should feel sorry for him – I know that I should see this part of the story the way Danny does. There's a part of me that can sympathize with the situation – that  _hates_ Blake's parents for doing this. And if it were someone other than Blake that went through this, I would feel every ounce of horror for them. But it's Blake and I don't have Danny's kindness. I can't forgive him that easily.

My engine is cooling the longer we sit and talk but neither of us make a move to leave. Because even though Paulina's story has come to an end, there's still so much left unsaid. So many questions I still have about this whole situation but I know I can't ask them all. So I slowly pick through them and wait as Paulina sorts out the answer each time.

"How long were you at the… camp?" I ask, too afraid to see the expression Paulina will make if I say the name. I can't imagine how alone Paulina must have felt after her mom talked her into doing what she did.

Paulina exhales out, turning her stare up to the roof of my car as she chews on her bottom lip. A strand of her hair falls loose from how she has it tied back and she tucks it behind her ear, my heart aching as she easily brushes away a tear I hadn't noticed before.

"Maybe six weeks?" she says more like a question, turning to look at me with a shrug. "I think my mom just wanted me gone for as long as possible. I guess she thought that as long as I was at a camp with a bunch of other girls, I wouldn't have the opportunity to get pregnant again."

She draws her feet up onto the passenger seat of my car and shrugs again, looping her arms around her shins. "She kept going on about how this would look to other people. What her women's group would say about it. What my  _dad_ would say about it… god, for so long she used to threaten to tell him to get me to do things she wanted me to." Paulina rolls her eyes, another sigh escaping her.

I can't imagine dealing with the shit that Paulina did. I can barely wrap my head around the whole situation and I can't even begin to understand how hard this was on her. Fuck, she had to keep this from  _every_ one. I don't know if she's told anyone else but… I really hope I'm not the only one that knows this about her.

"Did you ever… tell anyone?" I ask softly, chewing on the inside of my lip with the question.

Paulina rests her head back against the seat, shaking it almost immediately. "Nope. Other than my mom, Blake and his parents, and  _unfortunately_ my dad now, you're the only one that knows."

Jeez… I couldn't imagine being in her position. And having to see Blake every school day since? Fuck, I'd have just quit school. I'd have left this town and never looked back. The fear of anyone finding out about my dad used to terrify me to the point that I couldn't sleep or eat. I can't even begin to think about how scared I would have been if it was me in Paulina's situation.

"Shit," I mumble, running a hand down my face with a heavy exhale. All this time… Paulina's been dealing with this shit alone. Her and Danny deserve some kind of fucking medal for dealing with Blake and his asshole tendencies. Shit,  _that's_ why they've been getting along so well recently. They both know what it feels like to deal with Blake. That makes perfect fucking sense, I should have seen it before now.

Paulina exhales heavily, shaking her head as she puts her feet on the floor again. "I should probably get going before my mom starts calling," she says, shrugging her jacket on again before she zips it closed. She leans over to grab her purse from the floor before she reaches for the door handle.

"Wait." I put my hand on her arm and she turns back to me, a soft 'hmm?' leaving her before I pull her into my arms. She exhales out, easily shifting closer to me and sliding her arms around my back. I turn my head just a little, pressing a kiss to her cheek and holding her tighter.

She leans in to my touch, holding me back just as tightly as a small shiver runs through her. She laughs softly, makes some joke about being cold, but I know better than that. This kind of cold isn't the type that sticks around in the winter only to vanish when the cold air gives way to the summer breeze. This is the same kind of cold I've known my whole life. And all this time… it's been living in Paulina's bones too. She's known the same kind of loneliness that has always been a part of me. Maybe that's why we never worked out in the past. How can we give part of ourselves away if we're not whole to begin with?

* * *

I don't really want to leave Paulina but her mom sends her a few text messages so I tell her goodnight and she gets out of my car. I watch her climb into her own car and she straightens the rearview mirror, clicking her seatbelt on, before she looks at me with a small wave.

She leaves the parking lot before me and though I put my key in the ignition again, I don't make a move to go home yet. My mind's running in a thousand different directions and home is the last thing on my mind. I feel like driving. Just covering ground until I run out of gas. Part of me just wants to hit the road and never stop. I just want to stay gone until winter break is here.

I'm not ready to leave Amity Park yet but that doesn't stop my mind from wondering. It doesn't stop my heart from aching for the day that this town will just be one of many in my rearview mirror on my way out of here.

The roads are empty as I make my way home but I still take the scenic route. I stop at every red light even though there's no one out driving this late. Every time I try to make sense of how this situation with Paulina spiraled out of control and how much Blake fucked up the two of them… it makes my heart ache even more. So I force myself to stop thinking about it. I shut out all of my thoughts and focus on driving. It's one of the only things in my life than can get my mind off shit like this. So I keep my wheels turning until the clock ticks just past midnight. When I see that number on my dashboard, I finally stop my aimless wandering and head toward home.

The house is dark when I pull into the driveway next to dad's car, killing my engine almost immediately. The cold quickly creeps in and I try to shake it off as I get out of my car but it cuts through my letterman jacket like it's paper.

I shiver on my way up the front walk, my breath hanging in the air as I get my keys from my pocket and let myself inside the house. The lights are off inside except for the one over the dining room table and I kick my shoes off before I make my way toward it.

It's too late to make myself anything to eat but I ate with Paulina hours ago so I search the pantry for something. I find a snack size package of Oreo's so I take that and grab a bottle of water from the fridge before I start out of the kitchen.

My gaze is on the cookie package when I round the corner of the dining room but I look up when I hear dad clear his throat.

He's standing at the bottom of the stairs, blocking my access to them, his arms crossed over his chest. I think my mouth hangs open for about two seconds before my heart remembers that things have been good between us.

"What's up?" I ask.

Dad raises an eyebrow at me, his expression some mix between disbelief and irritation. His gaze sweeps down my frame before he meets my stare again with a slight scoff. "Where the hell have you been?" he demands, like he's forgotten that he hasn't played the role of concerned father in about thirteen years.

I tear into the package of cookies with my teeth, propping the bottle of water against my arm. "I was at school. Then I hung out with Paulina for a while." I break off a piece of the cookie and cram it between my teeth, somehow managing to make eye contact with dad again. "Why?"

"What do you mean  _why_?" dad asks, scoffing again when I raise an eyebrow. "Try to remember that I'm your  _father_. I have a right to know where you've been and what you've been doing. Especially when you disappear for hours and don't tell me when you'll be back."

He's one to talk about disappearing. Ever since I was a kid, my dad has always been a part time magician. There for a while but the moment you blink, he disappears. And there's no telling when he'll show up again.

"I was at school, dad," I repeat, pushing the remainder of the cookie into my mouth. I break it up into smaller pieces with my teeth, swallowing a chunk before I speak again, trying to choose my words carefully. "You know… you could have texted me… to find out where I was."

Dad arches an eyebrow and I swallow a chunk of Oreo, shrugging a little before I return my attention to the cookies. I don't know why he's playing like he's worried about me – I can't figure out his angle tonight. Maybe I'm just too exhausted. Usually when he acts concerned about me, it's cause he wants to look good to certain people. But there's no one here except me and my loneliness.

I look up at him again, try to gauge something from his expression, but we just stare at each other. He looks like he's trying to curb his anger and I'm trying to pull back on my apathy. I just don't know how I'm supposed to care that he's concerned now of all times.

"I'm gonna go to bed," I say, stepping past him for the stairs. My foot lands on the first stair before dad grabs my arm, holding my gaze when I look at him over my shoulder.

Dad searches my expression but I don't know what he's looking for. His grip on my arm tightens until I can feel it almost bruising and he levels me with a glare that eradicates all of the apathy my glass heart was keeping trapped inside.

"You let me know next time you're going to be out late. Is that understood?" he asks, his voice low and gravelly, sending shivers through me.

I somehow manage to keep from swaying and I nod, swallowing down whatever's left of the Oreo in my mouth. His eyes narrow and he takes a step closer to me, his grip on my arm tightening again, forcing a small breath out of me.

"When I ask you a question, I expect an answer, Dash. Do you understand me?" he asks.

All of my courage is fleeing from my panic-soaked bones and I weakly nod, clearing the rust from my voice. "Y-Yes," I mumble, mentally swearing at myself for stammering. He shouldn't be able to affect me this way _._  I'm eighteen years old. It's not like I'm that scared five-year-old anymore. I'm old enough to handle this. But still… when he keeps glaring at me, it's hard to convince myself not to feel afraid.

"Yes,  _what_?" he questions, his eyes narrowed into thin slits as he stares up at me.

If I had to give any advice about my dad, I'd say to expect the unexpected. My father isn't a predictable man by any means. He can go from cheering at a football game to breaking bottles and making his wife cower in a matter of minutes. His hands have bandaged my skinned knees and cracked my ribs. His voice has soothed me and terrified me. Dad never does what anyone expects him to and I think that's what scares me the most in situations like this. Even if I do everything right, even I try really fucking hard not to piss him off, his unpredictability will change the outcome. It decides whether I fall asleep bruised or not.

"Yes… sir," I say, my voice barely above a whisper as I drop my gaze from dad's. I haven't called him that in so long and he hasn't told me to. It's just another example of his unpredictability… but it doesn't feel random this time. The way he's acting tonight and his grip on my arm and his  _glare…_ none of it feels unpredictable to me. It feels more like a warning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> …I'm horrible, I know
> 
> Yooo, thanks for checking out this update! I know I say it a lot but it really does mean so much to see you guys coming back every update for more. I really hope you liked this one, it seemed to take FOREVER to edit this time around
> 
> Dash acting protective over Danny, huuuuuuh? How long have you guys been waiting for that? Seems like our quarterback is making up for lost time there ;p
> 
> What do you think of Kwan's situation? Do you think that this divorce is gonna be better or worse for him? Also, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to have more bromance scenes between these two, they're just the perfect friends, I swear
> 
> And speaking of that scene… originally, I did have Dash tell Kwan about Blake and Danny. But during edits, it just didn't fit. Maybe the Dash from the beginning of this story would have told Kwan that as soon as he learned about it, present Dash just doesn't feel like that person anymore. He knows how serious this whole mess is and he can't bring himself to tell someone when it's not his place to. I'd love to know what you think of the way that I handled it. Honestly, I've been debating about the changes I made so I'd love to know your thoughts
> 
> What do you think of Paulina's side of things? Does it change anything for you? Is she heartless in your eyes or just a victim of this whole thing too?
> 
> So… I'm dying to know what you think of the final scene. Whatever could Howard be warning Dash against? This is me so you know it's gonna be angsty as hell. I'd love to hear your guesses though ;p
> 
> I picked the title of this chapter from "If You're Not The One" by Daniel Bedingfield. You guys... it's so Dash, okay? The full lyric of what I chose is, "If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?" like... come on. That's so Dash. Another worthy lyric of him is, "Is there any way I can stay in your arms?" like Daaaash. Our boy has the most obvious crush in the world, I swear
> 
> Anyway, that about wraps it up for this chapter. Again, thank you so much for checking out this update. It's so encouraging that people want to come back month after month to read what I've written. This might just be a story about two boys that take their sweet time falling in love but I hope you know how much your support means. Truly, I appreciate each of you so much
> 
> I'll see you all next update!


	67. Let Me Love The Lonely Out Of You

**From: Danny**

_**You do realize you're being a nerd, right?** _

**To: Danny**

_**And here I thought you liked that in somebody ;p** _

**From: Danny**

_**Of course I do** _

_**When they're not using it against me, you loser** _

It's eleven-fifty on Wednesday when I start bugging Danny. I'm lying on my back in my bed, trying to keep from grinning at every text he sends me. And yeah, I'm feeling a little ballsy. The more texts I send that get a reaction out of him, the more confidence shoots through my veins and my texts get decidedly more flirty as we continue to banter.

**To: Danny**

_**At least I'm punctual** _

**From: Danny**

_**Staying awake until midnight just so you can be the first one to wish me a happy birthday isn't punctual, Dash** _

**To: Danny**

_**What? I'm sacrificing my sleep for you and this is what I get in response?** _

_**Rude** _

**From: Danny**

_**You barely sleep, this doesn't count** _

**To: Danny**

_**Ouch** _

I fight back another laugh and roll over onto one side, slowly typing out the message I've been waiting to send. Just as the clock ticks over to midnight, I send Danny a text, unable to keep the grin off my face.

**To: Danny**

_**Hey, Danny?** _

_**Happy Birthday ;p** _

**From: Danny**

_**Wow, I never saw that message coming** _

_**Nerd** _

* * *

 

Despite staying up just to text Danny, I'm dead to the world for a solid five hours before my alarm starts blaring at me. I turn it off almost as soon as it starts ringing and I'm up and dressed after only a few minutes of staring up at my ceiling.

My heart keeps up its nervous drumming as I gather my shit for school and head out the door before dad's even left his bedroom. But my heart isn't racing because of dad or anything to do with the shit that's between us again. This is the kind of nervous only Danny can make me.

I can't stop from grinning as I wait in line for coffee or the entire drive to school. I'm a nervous fucking wreck that can't stop smiling like a goddamn idiot but fuck it, I'm really happy. Cause I'm gonna see Danny and give him coffee and maybe convince myself that it's not too selfish to hug him just so I can catch the scent of him again.

I picked his gift out last night. It was one of those weird moments where Facebook gives you an ad for something you actually care about. Rare but in this case, it was a life saver. Danny's going to love what I got him… there's just a few small details left and as soon as I get the confirmation email, it's all gonna fall into place.

Danny's car is already parked near the front of the school when I pull up. For a second, I'm afraid that someone's dragged him inside already but when I park my car a few spaces down from his Equus, I see him in the front seat of his car.

I get out of my car, balance the two coffee cups as I slam the door closed, and make my way over to his car. He's talking on the phone, a small frown creasing his features and I debate just going back to my car and waiting for him to hang up. But he glances out his window and a smile takes over his face when he sees me.

He holds up one finger, and turns back to the conversation he's having, talking hurriedly. He's hanging up about five seconds later and climbing out of his car just as fast.

"That better be for me because the line at Starbucks was way too long for me to wait this morning," Danny says with a grin on his face, holding a hand out for one of the cups.

I extend it toward him but pull it away just as he reaches for it. He tilts his head to one side and I can't help but smirk. "What if I told you these were both for me?"

Danny rolls his eyes and reaches out for it again. "You can't tease me on my birthday," he insists, taking the cup from me before I have the chance to pull it away again. He sticks his tongue out before inhaling the scent of coffee. A slight flush takes over his face as he hesitantly glances up at me, a smile pulling at his mouth. "Thank you."

I shrug my shoulders, try to act casual about it, but I can't stop myself from grinning. Cause he looks so happy and I fucking  _love_ when he's happy. I duck my head as I inhale the scent of my own coffee, wondering if he notices how often I smile around him. If he notices how often I fucking cherish  _his_ smile.

"Coffee for birthday's… that's kinda gonna become our thing, isn't it?" Danny asks with a smile, lifting his cup to his mouth to take another sip.

I can only nod in response, my mind too busy dreaming up a thousand different ways I could kiss him to ever hope to manage a response.

* * *

 

Most of Thursday passes by in a blur. I'm too hopped up on adrenaline and my own nerves coursing through my veins to memorize every detail of the day. But the times when Danny's hand brushes my own or his touch lingers are the moments I commit to memory.

Over lunch and in the parking lot after school, my teammates, the cheerleaders, and some of our friends discuss tomorrow night's party with Danny. He gets everyone's phone number and promises to text out his address later.

Jeff and Star are the first to split away from the group and my teammates catcall after them. Paulina rolls her eyes and shares a look with Danny that I don't think I understand but… whatever. It doesn't matter. The time I spent with Paulina this week proves that.

It's not even a matter of putting this shit behind me for Danny's sake. It's about the girl I spent most of my high school life with. She's still the same girl I noticed in freshman year and a part of me will  _always_ belong to her. It's not her fault that Blake's an asshole and forced her to do what she did.

I hang back from the others as we leave for our cars, watching Danny from a distance. He and Paulina are still talking, and from the grin on Danny's face, I guess they're talking about the party tomorrow night.

"Could you be any more obvious?" Kwan asks, bumping his shoulder into mine as he passes by me. He sticks his tongue out when I look at him and he jerks his head toward Danny with a less than subtle wiggle of his eyebrows.

Danny glances our way but his stare doesn't linger. He's easily pulled back into the conversation he's having with Paulina and one of the other cheerleaders. I don't look their way for long, shooting a glare Kwan's way almost immediately.

My traitor of a best friend laughs quietly, giving me a sly grin before he's waving goodbye and heading toward his car. I watch him go before I make my way over to Danny's car. It shouldn't take too long before he'll head home and I wanna catch him before he does.

I lean against the trunk of Danny's Equus and slide my phone from my pocket when it dings.

The email I've been waiting on has arrived and it sends my heart racing. I can't fight the grin as I quickly open it. A picture of the dark sky with a million stars shining above fills my inbox and I carefully flick my gaze up toward Danny. He's still talking with Paulina, a wide grin playing up his features.

There were a million space themed gifts but that's not what my email confirmation says.  _Thank you for confirming your purchase as part of our Buy Your Loved One A Star package!_

I don't know how the hell this works and I'll never admit how much I actually spent on this but… I did it last night. After all my endless searching, I couldn't think of anything that would make Danny happier. Paulina might give him a CD and his friends might send him some gift cards but… when I give him a fucking  _star_ , he'll have to realize how much he means to me.

There are a fuck ton of details in the webpage about how to print out my certificate of the star but Danny's starting away from Paulina and the rest of the cheerleaders. He's heading my way with a soft smile on his face so I put my phone away, chewing on the inside of my lip as I wait for him.

"The girls were asking me to help out with the decorations for the winter formal in January," Danny says as soon as he's close to me. He adjusts his backpack straps before he comes to lean against the trunk of his car with me, turning to me with a smile.

I can never think when Danny looks at me like that but I manage a smile of my own. "You uh… gonna help out? With the… decorations and stuff?" I ask, unable to hold Danny's gaze for too long. I'd almost forgotten about the holiday formal. I didn't go to it last year cause dad did a number on me. But maybe I'll go this year. And maybe… I could go  _with_ somebody...

Danny exhales, shrugging as he folds his arms across his chest. "I don't know. I'm a sucker for helping people so probably," he says, glancing at me with a grin. I return it but I don't get a chance to come up with anything to respond with before he pushes away from his car.

He runs a hand through his hair, glancing at his car with another shrug. "I don't know. Why not, right? The cheerleaders have basically accepted me as one of their own so."

I want to ask if he wants to go to the formal. And if he doesn't want to go alone. But my paper heart is struggling to hold back the flames of the fire I feel for him. I'm afraid that one step in his direction, one  _question_ , will cause my heart to burst and burn up into nothing. I don't want to miss my chance at holding his hand and placing kisses along his hairline but… I'm scared. That he'll say no. Scared that he'll say  _yes_. And I don't know how to choke down either fear.

"It sounds like fun," I respond, pushing away from his car too. I shove my hands into my pockets and drop my stare down to the pavement beneath us, too scared to broach the topic of going to the formal just yet. "If you need any help picking up decorations or anything… let me know?"

Danny smiles, the simple expression somehow managing to make me believe that his every burden is a million times lighter. When he smiles like that, I don't see the boy that the world has damaged so much. I don't see the boy that Blake terrorized and I don't see the boy that could be hunted down by the government. I just see a boy. One I've fallen completely,  _hopelessly_  in love with.

* * *

 

**From: Jeff**

_**Can't wait to get waaaaasted tonight! Thank god Danny's birthday is right before finals. I'm taking advantage of my last weekend of freedom starting tonight!** _

**To: Jeff**

_**Try to remember that you're gonna need the brain cells you'll be killing tonight** _

_**Are you bringing a gift for him?** _

**From: Jeff**

_**Duh, I'm not a total loser** _

_**You think a Starbucks gift card is okay?** _

_**Cause Star got him some kind of bracelet thing?** _

_**I don't know what it was. She wouldn't let me attach my name too** _

_**So I'm up shit creek if a gift card won't work** _

**To: Jeff**

_**That should be fine** _

**From: Jeff**

_**What are you bringing him?** _

_**Aside from your undying love of course** _

**To: Jeff**

_**What the fuck?** _

I'm sitting in the back row of my history class on Friday, hiding my phone behind a stack of textbooks and trying really fucking hard not to blush. How the  _fuck_ does Jeff know? Or is he just fucking around and has no idea how close to the truth he actually is?

**From: Jeff**

_**Oh come on** _

_**Like I haven't noticed the way you stare at him like a lovesick puppy** _

_**Don't even try to deny it, Baxter** _

Kwan looks my way and gives me a questioning look at the expression on my face accompanied with the noise that's squeezed out of me at Jeff's latest response. I gesture to my phone, waiting until he pulls his out of his pocket before I send him a screenshot of the conversation with Jeff.

I fucking  _hate_ Kwan for snorting immediately and drawing attention to the both of us. Cause half of the fucking class turns around when our teacher calls on Kwan and I'm sure they can all see how red my face is.  _Including_ Jeff.

My face is on fire as I duck my head and continue doodling in my notebook, pretending I'm taking notes for this stupid class instead of internally  _combusting._

"Sorry, sir. It won't happen again," Kwan's saying while I'm busy trying not to die as I slowly tap out a response to Jeff.

**To: Jeff**

_**I don't know what the fuck you're getting at** _

_**Danny's my friend** _

I glare Kwan's way when I see him grinning at his screen again and send him a text that just says "fuck you". Which only makes him grin more. Am I that obvious? Has fucking  _everyone_ realized the way that I feel about Danny?

**From: Jeff**

_**Bro, you're crushing on him harder than I did on Star** _

_**I get it if you don't wanna talk about this shit cause I'm straight but like** _

_**There's no point in lying. I have eyes, Baxter** _

Fuck, I guess I  _am_ that obvious. I wonder who else has picked up on it. Alex and Anastasia had a fucking  _bet_ going cause of this. And Kwan probably picked up on it before I told him and even  _mom_ noticed when I brought Danny to her. Does everyone in my goddamn life know how I feel for him? Well… everyone  _except_ him.

* * *

 

Anxiety winds its way into my day as I get through my classes and start getting ready for the party. I text Danny and ask if it's okay if I come by his place early, offering to help him set up for the night. I guess he thinks I need the time away from dad or something cause his response is immediate, telling me that I'm welcome to show up whenever.

I spend half a fucking  _decade_  picking out what I want to wear tonight but I finally settle on a light blue, long-sleeved t-shirt that Paulina bought me last year. She said it reminded her of my eyes. I hope it reminds Danny of the same.

Even though Danny sent out a group text message last night, telling everyone to start showing up around eight-thirty or so, I'm ready just after six. So I text him to let him know that I'm on my way and I grab my jacket before I'm headed out of my house.

The radio is playing softly as I drive to Danny's house and I don't bother to change the station. A few softer songs come on, ones that remind me of the way my chest squeezes whenever he's near, but I let them play through. I try to sort out the mess that's in my head, try to figure out  _when_ I'm going to tell him how much I care about him. I've waited so damn long to tell him because I've been scared of pushing him away. And the longer I think about the way I feel for him, the more I have to accept what I've known for a long time now.

If I never say the things that my paper heart is bursting to tell him, then he'll never know how much I care for him. How much I long to hold him in my arms and cradle him against my chest when he starts to panic. How much I want to press kisses along his hairline. He has to know. Tonight. I have to tell Danny the way that I feel  _tonight_.

* * *

 

To say I'm nervous is an understatement. It wouldn't convey how my fingers tremble around my steering wheel as I coast my car to a stop at the edge of his driveway. It wouldn't be telling of how many times I've pulled my visor down just to check my reflection in the mirror. Saying that I'm nervous doesn't speak volumes of the way I leave my car and stop myself before I make it halfway up his driveway. It doesn't show how I went back to my car pretending that I've forgotten something when in reality, the only thing I've forgotten is how to have courage. How to pretend to be normal around Danny. This is  _his_ party. And I'm making it about myself again.

I find unsteady courage in my nerve-riddled bones and I draw upon every ounce of it as I climb the few stairs up to his front door. I breathe out heavily once –  _twice_ – before I'm able to lift my hand and press the doorbell, listening to the faint jingle it makes on the inside.

Every time I've been to Danny's house, it's either been him or his dad that's answered the door. But Danny doesn't answer the door today. He just calls out for me to come in. That the door's open.  _He left his fucking door open for me._

I shakily push the door open, twisting the knob with one hand, before I step inside his house. Faint music is playing from somewhere deeper in the house but I can hear Danny humming along as his footsteps start toward me.

He rounds the corner into the foyer as I push the door closed and lean back against it, watching him.  _Wanting_ him. In his worn out, ripped jeans and a tattered, paint-stained t-shirt, he's more irresistible to me than anyone.

Danny tilts his head to one side, watching me carefully. Hesitantly. Like he's worried how I'll react if he takes a single step toward me. God, my heart is ready to  _burst_ from the way he's looking at me. Cause he looks concerned and I'm not worthy of that look from him.

"What's wrong?" Danny asks softly, taking a step toward me.

I can't tell him. Not now. Not  _yet_. Before the night is up, he'll know how much I ache for him to be mine but he can't know yet. I haven't found enough courage between my bruised ribs and paper heart to ignite even the smallest words of affection to form on my tongue. I'm nowhere close to telling him. But I'll get there. I'll get there  _tonight_.

"Nothing," I say, pushing away from the door and offering up a smile. He doesn't look convinced but I don't need him to be. I just need to help him set up for the party and give him time to celebrate before I ask him to be mine. To be the one that I call in the middle of the night because I just want to hear his voice. To be the one that I talk to about my future. The one who'll  _be_ my future.

Danny gives me a look like he calls bullshit but he tells me to follow him and I can only do as he asks. I climb the staircase behind him and follow into his room, keeping distance between us only because I know I won't be able to stop myself from touching him if we're too close.

"I'm trying to figure out what to wear," he mumbles, stopping in front of his dresser and opening the first drawer.

I shouldn't be this comfortable in his room but I easily cross the room to his bed and collapse onto it, giving him a grin when he looks my way. "What do you mean? What's wrong with what you're wearing now?"

Danny rolls his eyes, pushing the drawer closed again and taking a step toward me. "Shut up," he says, sticking his tongue out. "Help me pick something out?"

He nudges my knee with his, before he crosses over to his closet. He chews on his lower lip before reaching into his closet and pulling out a dark blue t-shirt with little white dots printed over it. He looks it over before pulling out a striped polo and frowning as he glances between the two. He turns back to me, holding them both. "Which one do you think I'll look better in?"

I think Danny could walk out of here wearing a fucking  _trash_ bag and I'd still find him sexy. Heat rushes through me at that thought and I'm ashamed to realize that most of that heat floods downward. I roughly exhale and try to think about something  _other_ than what my body so clearly wants me to.

"I uh… I think they both look pretty good," I say, sinking my teeth into my bottom lip when he gives me a look. There's no denying what he's able to do to me just from a single look but I try to pretend that I'm not blushing right now.

Danny exhales softly, looking between them again before he puts them both back in the closet. "I've been trying to decide all day and I have no  _idea_  what to wear," he says, chewing on his bottom lip as he looks at his clothing options again. A small frown creases his brows and I think I'd do just about anything to ease that expression from his face.

"Hey, relax. You could pull off anything, Danny," I say, smiling when he looks at me.

He manages to hold my gaze for all of three seconds before he looks away with a heavy sigh. "No, Dash, I can't. This isn't… it's not like I'm going to school or like I'm just hanging out with my friends. This is… a big deal," he says, another sigh leaving him as he looks back at me. "This is my first time hosting a party, Dash. I… want to make a good impression."

I didn't think that this kind of thing would be important to Danny. Worrying about what other people think seems like something I'd do, not him. But… maybe this isn't about just anybody. Maybe it's about the ones he still feels like he has something to prove to. Maybe it's about showing Blake that he's doing better than he actually is. Maybe it's about hanging out with the cheerleaders and letting everything go… even though he doesn't owe them his forgiveness or kindness. Maybe it's about shutting a door on everything that was and opening the door to everything that  _is_.

"Here, let me see," I say, stepping past Danny to look at the options we've got.

Danny's closet is full of space themed t-shirts and long-sleeved button-ups that his parents probably got for him but… he doesn't have anything that immediately says party. And if he wants to make a good impression hosting one, he's asked the right person. I'm a master in the art of making myself look good when life is shit and letting everyone think that I'm having the time of my life when I just want to be alone. I'll make Danny into the kind of host that everyone here tonight will remember.

* * *

 

"Stop fidgeting with it. You look fine."

"Are you sure? Don't you think this looks a little…"

"No. You look  _fine_."

"But-"

" _Danny_."

He sighs heavily, giving me a look before he glances over his reflection again in the bathroom mirror. I picked out a pair of jeans from the back of the closet that fit him better than the ones he usually wears and though he complained at first, I convinced him to at least put them on. I paired them with a dark blue and red striped pocket t-shirt. Nice enough to pass for the host of the party but casual enough to look like he doesn't care what he looks like. It'll just be our secret that he really does care.

Danny self-consciously pulls at his t-shirt, frowning at the way it hangs off his frame. I want to tell him that it doesn't matter what he wears – he'd still look a million times better than anyone that comes through his door tonight – but now's not the right time. Even though we're alone and my heart is pounding and I'm  _bursting_ to tell him… I have something more important to do.

"I know that I'll see you again this weekend for the surprise I'm putting together but… I got you a present," I say, watching as Danny turns away from the mirror to look at me. He raises his eyebrows in question and I duck my head, digging it from my pocket.

I present a small, wrapped box to him. He exhales softly, his hand trembling as he reaches to take it from me. To say that I don't know why my heart is pounding would be a lie.  _Danny's_ the one making it beat harder than it has to. It's misplaced in this moment but aren't all of my reactions?

Danny tears the wrapping paper off delicately – like he's trying to preserve my wrapping job. I want to tell him just to rip into it already because his every move is making me want to kiss him. But I know I'll still feel that way even after he puts the present down.

"Open it already, will you?" I say breathlessly, a faint laugh escaping me.

He looks up at me again, rolling his eyes but he's smiling. "Someone's impatient. I thought this was supposed to be  _my_ present." He drops his gaze back to the box and tears the last bit of wrapping, sliding the box out.

I can hardly breathe as he lifts the lid off the box and he leaves me waiting in silence. He lifts the green and black circular charm out of the box and squints at it, tilting his head to one side as he tries to figure out what it is.

"I know it's probably a gimmick but… I saw this woman selling those at the mall the other day. She claimed they worked as protection against evil spirits." I swallow hard, watching his expression to gauge his reaction. "I know you have your tattoo but… when I saw this, I thought of you and I couldn't leave it behind. Even if it is a gimmick, I thought you'd get a kick out of it."

Danny meets my gaze again, a faint smile turning up his lips. "I love it, Dash. I'll put on my keychain a-and… I know I'll think of you whenever I see it."

I'm pretty sure my heart stops with the look he's giving me. He hesitates a second before he pulls me into his arms, resting his chin on my shoulder with a soft sigh. I fit my arms around him and he relaxes into my touch.

There's no denying how well Danny fits against my chest. There's no denying that my heart is  _pounding_ at his touch. But I don't  _want_ to deny it. I want him to know that my heart is pounding because of him.  _For_ him. Because I want him so badly, the ache rings in my bones long after I've gone away from him.

"Thank you… for coming tonight," Danny says, pulling away from me too soon. He gives me a smile that I return, even though I want nothing more than to tug him back into my arms and keep holding him. Soon. He'll know of how much I long to touch him  _soon_.

* * *

 

I'm almost finished setting up the last table in the backyard when the doorbell rings. Danny's inside with the stereo and I watch him from the open back door. He adjusts the volume dial a final time before he straightens his shirt and heads for the front door.

Even though he doesn't need me to follow after him, I do anyway. I'm finished with the table and I'd rather hang around inside and make sure that Danny doesn't need any help greeting people.

I wander closer to the foyer and watch as Danny peeks out the front window before sighing heavily. He seems even more nervous than he was upstairs and this kind of thing will only get worse the longer the night wears on. He needs to relax  _now_ if he wants to make a good impression.

"Hey," I whisper from my place at the edge of the foyer. Danny turns back to me, relief flooding his expression. I nod toward the door, keeping my voice low as I talk. "Who is it at the door?"

Danny exhales softly, glancing back once at the closed door before he takes a step closer to me. "Jeff and Star. I thought some of the other cheerleaders would be with them but… I think it's just the two of them," he says, his own voice soft on the words.

I chew on the inside of my lip, taking a step closer to the door before I nod toward it again. "You want me to get this for you? Show you how to handle it at a party?"

Relief floods Danny's expression again and he quickly nods.

"You have to act like you don't care about any of this," I say, smiling when he tilts his head to one side. "You have to pretend like you're not nervous and eventually, you won't be anymore."

"So… basically put on false confidence?" he asks, his eyes lighting up when I nod. "Okay… show me how?"

I give him a wink. "Of course." He hangs back while I head for the door. Just before I put my hand on the knob, I turn back to look at him. "First step, pretend like whatever you were just doing was  _way_ more important than opening the damn door."

Danny's watching me as I turn back to the door and for some reason, it elicits this electricity in my veins. I roll my shoulders and let out a breath before I paste a grin on my face and open the door with a fake laugh, glancing back at Danny as though he said something hilarious before I turn to face the two at the door.

"Hey guys, come on in," I say, a ton of fake energy interjected into my words. The music Danny's put on is helping set the scene and I let it push me more. Like I do at my own parties. I clap Jeff on the back and give Star a smile as she steps inside. "You guys ready to get drunk and hate yourself tomorrow?"

Jeff gives me a grin, shooting me a thumbs up and I respond with a laugh before I turn back to Danny. He's just silently watching from the edge of the foyer so I subtly wander closer to him, telling Jeff that I'll show him where the alcohol is in a second. As I come to a casual stop in front of Danny, I drop my voice, speaking quickly. "Show them where they can put their jackets."

Danny's face pales for a split second but I put my hand on his arm and whisper that he's got this and he relaxes. I step away from him, shooting Jeff a grin. "I'm gonna turn the music up. Come find me when you're ready to down a shot with me."

Jeff is still grinning but he looks back at Danny when he starts telling them about where they can put their jackets. The three of them leave the foyer together and I move back into the living room, looking through the selection of music Danny's laid out for the night.

I flip between CD's, letting the start of a pop track play out before I switch the song again. Overall, Danny's picked a pretty good lineup for the night and knowing my teammates and friends, there's enough alcohol that they won't care what music is playing.

Danny's talking softly just outside the living room so I leave to join the conversation. He turns to look at me when I step out into the hall and I offer a smile in response, glancing past him at Star. "Where'd Jeff go?"

"In search of alcohol," she says, rolling her eyes with a smile. "You know how Jeff is at parties."

Out of my teammates, Jeff's the one I know the best aside from Kwan. And he never wastes an opportunity to get drunk. He's always been a bit of a lightweight but he still manages to put away more alcohol than I usually have at these kind of parties.

"Cool, I'll go find him," I tell Star, giving her and Danny a smile before I leave in search of Jeff. Danny had me set up a couple of tables in the backyard and tie balloons to the columns leading down from his house into the backyard and I straighten one of the balloon bundles before I start down into the yard.

Danny's filled the tables with alcohol and put floating lights in the pool and I gotta admit – his backyard looks fucking great for this party.

There's more of a selection of alcohol here than at the parties Paulina's thrown in the past. Danny told me that his parents have an impressive liquor cabinet and there's no denying it now. He said something about people giving his parents alcohol as gifts but he didn't touch on the subject for long.

Jeff's standing near the pool, gazing down at the water, a red solo cup in his hand. He shivers as wind rolls through the backyard, whipping his sleeves around for a second or two. When the wind calms again, he takes a small sip from his cup and I cross the yard to where he's standing.

He looks up when I near him and he nods at me, dropping his gaze back to his cup as he swirls the liquid inside.

Standing out here reminds me of the day I found out what Blake had done to Danny. It reminds me of the way Danny held onto me so tightly I thought my heart was going to burst. Thinking about that day doesn't exactly put me in the mood for a party so I push it to the back of my mind and nudge Jeff with my elbow.

"You abandoned your girlfriend inside, y'know. Your love of alcohol trumping your love of women lately, Jeff?" I tease, flashing him a broad smirk when he looks up at me again.

Jeff grins in response, rolling his eyes before he lifts his cup to his mouth and drains the remainder in three long swallows. "Nah," he says, swapping the empty cup between hands for a second before he lets out a breath. "She said something about talking to Danny so… just giving them some space."

I look back at Danny's house over my shoulder, wondering what the hell he means. I saw them talking when we partied at the beach and Danny said that the cheerleaders have basically accepted him but… I wonder what Star wants from him.

"Any idea what they're talking about?" I ask, turning back to Jeff who just shrugs.

He stares down into his cup again before he sighs, wandering over to one of the trashcans Danny's set outside. He ditches the cup inside and glances at the house again before he walks back to where I'm standing.

"You think Danny would be cool if I went for a swim before everybody starts showing up?" he asks, already stripping his jacket off before I've even had time to consider what he's saying.

"Dude, it's December. The water's probably freezing," I say, frowning as he continues kicking his shoes off, not acknowledging me beyond a shrug. "Are you seriously going to swim in your boxers?"

He shrugs again and shoves his jeans down to his ankles. "Find me a towel inside, will you?"

Jeff used to be on the swim team in sophomore year. He worked it out with Coach and somehow balanced it with playing for the Ravens. But he quit swimming after the season closed out in sophomore year. He's never really hidden the fact that he still loves to swim but he's never been the kind of guy to just randomly jump into somebody's pool in the middle of December.

"Sure… I guess," I respond, starting for the house as Jeff continues to strip down in the middle of Danny's backyard. This isn't like Jeff. He loves parties and alcohol more than anything. He still swims in the summertime but… in an outside pool in the dead of winter?

I call Danny's name as soon as I step inside his house and I only get a few paces in before Danny appears at the end of the hallway **.**  He raises his eyebrows in question and I let out a breath, glancing over my shoulder.

"Do you have a towel I can give Jeff?" I ask, folding my arms over my chest as Danny draws his eyebrows down. "He wants to go for a swim. He apparently doesn't care that it's freezing out right now. And has-" I look over my shoulder again to check. "-already stripped down to his boxers."

Danny frowns, blinking slowly before he shrugs. "Sure, there are towels in the bathroom, just behind you." He nods toward it, chewing on the inside of his lip. "If he needs to borrow some dry clothes later let me know."

"Yeah, if he doesn't catch his death of a cold," I mutter under my breath, turning back for the door but stopping when Danny snorts. I turn back to look at him and Danny hides his smirk behind his hand, pretending to cough as another laugh leaves him. "What's so funny?"

He shakes his head, biting back another laugh as he drops his hand back to his side with a shrug. "Nothing, it's just… you sound like an old man, not eighteen."

I roll my eyes. "I'm gonna go make sure Jeff doesn't catch pneumonia. You enjoy making fun of me in here," I say, pretending that his laugh isn't doing more to me than I'm willing to admit.

Jeff looks up when he hears me on the grass and I shrug when I come to a stop a few paces from him, tossing the towel his way. "Here. Try not to die from the cold."

"Sweet," Jeff says, dropping the towel on the grass before turning back to the pool. He rolls his shoulders a few times before he straightens his posture and dives into the water from a running start. I watch the water ripple as he swims beneath it, only breaking his stride to come up for air.

I watch him for a few seconds before I sink down onto the grass, pulling my phone out of my pocket. It's only a quarter past seven but knowing the rest of my teammates, they'll probably show up early too.

Jeff comes up for air, swimming over to me and clinging to the side of the pool with a shaky breath but a grin. "D-Dude… I think m-my nuts are gonna f-fall off," he stutters, his breath hanging in the air as he exhales again.

"What did you think swimming in a pool in the middle of December was gonna feel like?" I respond, rolling my eyes when he laughs. "Just so you know, none of us are willing to sew  _anything_ back on if it falls off."

He laughs again, bobbing his head in a nod. "That's fair." He leans back, floating on the water with only his head and chest above the surface. He lets his eyes fall closed and doesn't stir even when the wind blows again.

I pull handfuls of grass from the ground and sprinkle them across the yard again, looking up to watch Jeff every now and then. He keeps his head tilted back, the water resting just past his hairline on his forehead, his eyes still closed. He lazily drifts from one end of the pool to the other and back again, his breaths slow and measured in time with his movements.

"If you die because of this, what do you want us to tell Star?" I ask, disturbing the quiet peace that has fallen over the two of us.

Jeff blinks an eye open, sighing heavily before he stops floating. He puts his feet on the bottom of the pool and wades over to me. "I'm not gonna die, Baxter," he says, leaning against the side of the pool.

He won't look my way and it sends off a warning bell in my mind. Jeff doesn't avoid my gaze unless he's got something to hide. He's the kind of person that'll crack under the slightest bit of pressure and if you look in his eyes, everything spills from him.

"Something wrong?" I ask, trying to sound conversational.

"Nope." He heaves himself out of the pool and collapses onto the pavement just beside it, his head resting on the grass next to my feet. "You're not… gonna get rid of me that easily," he pants out, a shiver rocking through him. He spreads his arms wide either side of him, staring up at the stars that have begun to dot the night sky.

I lift my gaze to the sky, stare where Jeff is, but I look down again when he sits up. He exhales heavily again, shuffling over to where he left the towel. Jeff makes a face as the wind blows and another shiver races through him.

"You want another towel?" I ask, and Jeff looks up at me with a shrug. I deposit my last handful of grass onto a patch next to me before I stand too, brushing my hands down my jeans and grabbing my phone from the grass.

I head inside, getting lost on my way to the bathroom this time. I remember it being just past the stairs but… I've forgotten which door it's behind.

Danny's standing in the kitchen when I step into the entryway, completely turned around on where the hell the bathroom is. His expression is serious as he intently listens to whatever Star's telling him in a hushed whisper. I don't want to interrupt them and I try to backtrack but Danny catches sight of me hovering in the doorway.

He raises an eyebrow in question and Star looks away from me. But not before I catch sight of the tears in her eyes that she's desperately trying to fight back.  _Fuck, why is she crying?_

"Yes?" Danny asks, turning toward me more as his eyebrows draw down in concern. I dart my gaze between him and Star but she won't look at me again. And Danny's expression offers nothing for an explanation.

"I uh… I lost my way to the bathroom. I'm… looking for another towel for Jeff. He's done freezing his ass off for now," I say, trying to inject as much humor into my words as possible. Maybe push Star away from the threat of tears building in her eyes.

Danny nods, glancing at Star before he looks at me. "I'll show you," he says, touching Star's arm with the tips of his fingers and speaking softly. "I'll be right back."

Star nods as she slowly eases her phone from her pocket, not looking up at either of us. Danny starts out of the kitchen and I cast a final glance back at Star before I follow him. He's quiet as we walk, clearly in deep thought about whatever conversation he's in the middle of with Star.

I trail after Danny to the right door. He turns the light on over the sink and bends down to pick out a towel, the back of his shirt riding up just a little. Despite my teammate standing half-naked in the backyard, probably freezing his balls off and Star in the kitchen, holding back tears… the sight of Danny's skin still causes my heart to race.

Danny turns around, holding the towel out toward me. "Does he need to borrow a pair of boxers?" he asks.

I glance past him, where the back door is, and slowly shake my head. I meet his gaze again, letting out a breath in the quiet. "Maybe..."

"Okay." He cuts the light out in the bathroom and steps out into the hall with me, pulling the bathroom door closed behind him. He nods at a door down the hall and I'm quick to follow after him.

He leads me over to a small laundry room and I hover in the doorway as he rummages through the contents of the dryer. He comes back with a white pair that makes me imagine what he looks like in them. The thought sends a heat down south and I know color explodes across my face.

I cough once to disturb the way my chest is tightening with every passing second. Danny cuts the light out and I step back to let him out of the laundry room. He pulls the door shut behind him and holds the pair out to me. "Tell him to put his wet boxers here in the laundry room and I'll wash them tomorrow."

His fingers brush by mine as I take the boxers and it makes my heart flutter like I've got even the ghost of a chance right now. Silence descends between us for a few seconds but he looks up at me with a small smile. "I'll see you later."

I catch his arm before he can walk away from me and he meets my gaze. "Danny… what's going on? Why is Star crying?" I question, frowning when he tugs his arm from my grip.

Danny lets out a shaky breath, chewing on his lower lip as he drops his gaze from mine. He slowly shakes his head, running his hand down his face as another breath leaves him. "Dash, she's…" He meets my gaze again before shaking his head more firmly this time. "Just go… take care of Jeff, okay?" he asks, squeezing my hand in his own before he leaves the hallway, not giving me the option to stop him again.

He quickly goes back to the kitchen and I hover in the hallway, listening to the gentle way he speaks to Star. I don't catch what he says as I start for the back door again but I recognize the consoling tone to his voice – he's used it enough times for me to have it memorized by now. I don't doubt that Danny's completely capable of consoling anyone. The question is… why would he need to console Star?

* * *

 

Jeff is appropriately grateful when I hand off the second towel and he promises to grovel at Danny's feet for the boxers. I stare out at the pool as Jeff strips out of his boxers and flings them onto the grass, quickly stepping into the borrowed pair as he continues to pat his skin dry with the towel.

"Dude, that water's fucking freezing but man. I forgot how much I love being in it," he says, staring out at the water dreamily. Like he's thinking of jumping back in again. He almost looks like he's warring with himself about getting back in but the wind blows around us and he makes up his mind.

He pulls his jeans on, shivering as the wind whips around the two of us. He's quiet as he dresses, drying off his hair with one end of the towel, keeping the other end looped around his neck. He keeps his stare low – not exactly on the ground but not high enough to risk meeting my gaze.

"Star's upset," I say, watching my teammate freeze as the words leave my tongue. He stays frozen for maybe a split second before he lets out a low breath, dropping the towel from around his neck and pulling his shirt on.

I watch him shrug his jacket on and pull his socks on over his feet but that's as long as I can stand the silence.

"What's going on?" I ask and Jeff sighs heavily. He turns his gaze to the sky, watching the stars above like they hold the answer to my question. Like they'll tell me why Star's inside crying and he's standing outside talking with me. Why he was swimming laps in the dead of winter while his girlfriend stood in the kitchen talking with Danny in a hushed voice.

Jeff flicks his gaze back and forth across the night sky – like he's looking for something – but I know the answers aren't in the stars. He's not fidgeting like I was expecting him to be at this point and he doesn't look even a little annoyed that I've asked. But he still doesn't answer me.

He doesn't lift his gaze from the sky above us, staying so quiet that I'm sure he's ignoring me. But he swallows hard and says two soft words that barely make it off the tip of his stuttering tongue. But they leave his mouth and I hear them clearly. And a cold shock runs through me.

"Star's pregnant."

_Fuck._  Hell, no wonder Jeff's been so quiet. And Star… god, poor Star. Standing in the kitchen with Danny, fighting back tears. And Jeff's standing out here with me and he's talking but he still won't look at me.

"Found out a couple weeks back. Haven't really told anyone but… she said she wanted to tell Danny tonight so. We came around early," he says, his voice soft. Like he's afraid to say too much or to say it too loud. As if someone could overhear. But it's just me standing out here in the backyard with him and I won't tell another soul.

Jeff disturbs the quiet again with another exhale, bending down to tie his shoes as he lets the towel drop to the ground. He kneels on the grass and I watch him tie his shoes, his hands quickly flicking one lace over the other.

Inside the house, I can hear the doorbell ring but standing with Jeff… I could hear a pin drop. He stands from the grass, gathering up his wet boxers with the towel and rolling them both into a ball that he tucks under his arm. A heavy breath leaves him and his gaze finally drifts over to meet mine.

"Goes without saying but… don't mention this to anyone yet, huh? We're not… sure how to tell our parents," he says softly, dropping his gaze from mine.

I want to tell him that I get it more than anyone. That I know what it's like to find out you're about to have a kid when you're still one yourself. I want to tell him that his racing thoughts, his pounding heart, his worries and fears… I get all of it. But to tell him any of that wouldn't just affect me. I'd be outing Paulina too. And it's not like it's the same, anyway. This is Jeff's kid and Paulina… was never really pregnant with mine.

"If you need… anything… let me know, okay? I mean it, Jeff. Anything," I say, taking a step closer to put my hand on his shoulder. He nods his head in response but I don't think he's hearing me. "It's going to be okay. Whatever you two decide to do… it'll be okay."

He exhales out heavily, nodding again before he glances toward the back door. I look where he is and we both watch a figure draw closer to us for a few seconds before Jeff pulls away from me. He returns his stare to the night sky and I give him space, only having to look at the dark figure behind us once before I realize who it is.

Blake saunters to a stop next to us, nudging me with his elbow. "What's up, Baxter?"

I set my jaw and let out a breath through my nose before I find the strength to respond. "Just waiting on everybody else to show up," I manage to spit from between my nearly clenched teeth.  _Why'd you have to invite him, Danny?_

"This party could really use some alcohol to get shit going. Why aren't you two drinking yet?" Blake asks with a short laugh, his voice grating and hard for me to take. Fuck, I can't stand hearing a word he says. And when he claps a hand on my back, I react like he's shocked me.

Jeff gives me a side long glance when I practically jump out of touching range but Blake doesn't even acknowledge it. He just starts reminiscing on his glory days of beer pong when he first started playing for the Ravens. He mentions wanting to start a game tonight and jokes that he can beat my record but I don't want to play a stupid game with him. I don't want to be around him at all.

"I'm driving tonight so… I'm not playing with you," I say, my tone harsher and more brutal than I intended it to be. But I couldn't give a fuck if he picks up on it or not. "Find someone else."

Blake gives me a look but shrugs after a split second. "Maybe I can convince Keith to play. Hell, maybe even Dale would be up for a game or two. He  _was_ the reigning beer pong champ in our sophomore year before you. Remember that? He got Mitch so drunk that night – he could barely  _stand_ he was so wasted. Such a lightweight." Blake laughs softly, nudging me with his elbow again. "Maybe Dale was doing it on purpose, huh? Wouldn't put it past him to get Mitch drunk enough so he could fool around. Guess it's hard for someone like him to find a  _willing_  partner in a town like this." He snorts and that laugh snaps something in me. Cause it's not like he's enjoying the memory of our team getting drunk together. He's laughing at Mitch and Dale. Because they've got balls enough to come out of the closet while he's too pathetic to keep his bruising hands off Danny.  _Fuck._ I should have been inside. I should have been the one to answer the door so Danny didn't have to. I can't imagine the shock that must have run through his system when he saw Blake on the other side.

Blake nudges me a final time and I lose it.

"I really don't care about the stupid game. And I'm not interested in a trip down memory lane so just… can it, will you?" I snap back, watching Jeff's eyebrows rise on his forehead. He briefly flicks his gaze toward Blake but his stare quickly returns to studying me.

Blake scoffs, rolling his eyes when I manage to shift my cold gaze from the ground to my teammate. "You know what, Baxter? Whatever. I don't fucking care if you wanna be miserable all night. I plan on getting wasted and not giving a fuck about anything. And if you're not down with that then whatever. I'm so tired of your bullshit."

He storms away from us like the hothead he'll always be. And I have to fight against everything in me to keep from following after him and introducing his face to my knuckles.  _He deserves far worse than what I can deliver._

"Damn." Jeff whistles softly and I manage to look back at him despite the anger brewing in my gut. He quirks one side of his mouth upward, a grin quickly breaking up his expression. "I know better than anyone how annoying Blake is – especially at parties – but… gotta say, that was an intense reaction, Dash."

After everything Blake's done to the people I care about, my reaction will never be enough. Until his skull is caved in from my aching knuckles and until the people he's hurt can breathe easier, my sharp words and biting tone will never be enough.

"I can't stand him," I spit, shaking my head as Jeff laugh softly. "No. I don't mean at parties or just tonight or fucking…" I breathe out, trying to get my hammering heart and shaky lungs to calm down long enough to let me speak. "He's not the person I thought he was, Jeff. He's not… who  _any_ of us thought he was. And he's… it's just… I can't explain it."

There aren't words to convey the things that Blake has done and I know that no matter what I'm able to spit out, it won't make sense. It won't impact Jeff the way it has me because I can't tell him everything. I can say how Blake's been an ass to me in the past but that shit is forgettable. That's the kind of shit you get a beer with someone and forget about. But this… the things he did to Danny and how he blackmailed Paulina into doing what she did… it's unforgiveable. And no amount of alcohol will ever fix the evil that Blake inflicted on two of the most important people in my life.

"You don't need to explain it. It's cool man," Jeff says, leaning over to slug me on the arm. He shrugs, another smile pulling at his expression.

I expect him to ask why – or maybe to say that my reaction was too much. That no matter the reasoning, I should back off Blake cause we share a team or because we're at a party or because of  _something_. But Jeff doesn't tell me to back off and when he claps me on the shoulder, I think it's more comforting than he intended it to be. I don't know if he'll ever understand the way that I want him to but... I think that if this shit ever comes out, Jeff will choose to be on my side instead of Blake's.

* * *

 

Jeff and I sit on the grass by the pool, taking turns reminding each other of insane shit we got up to this time last year. Keith shows up to the party and joins me and Jeff outside and the talk shifts more toward current events. Mainly the holiday formal in January.

"Star's been  _obsessed_ with it since her and the girls started planning the theme and the decorations a couple weeks ago," he says, leaning back on his hands and tilting his face up toward the sky. His eyes are closed and a soft smile is pulling at face. I wonder if that expression is for show. Because it's not just me he's talking to anymore – Keith's here too. And he doesn't know the things Jeff's told me.

Keith exhales out, darting a nervous glance my way too before he speaks softly. "I've been… thinking about going. But I don't know if I can convince the guy I'm interested in to go with me…"

Jeff blinks, his carefree expression slipping away. He hesitates in silence for a few seconds before he looks at Keith, who nervously drums his fingers against his thighs, another quiet breath leaving him.

"Which guy?" Jeff asks, as casually as he can given the situation.

Keith looks relieved that he doesn't have to go through the whole "you're gay?" conversation and that relief comes out as his whole posture relaxes. He fidgets nervously again for a split second before he looks at Jeff. "Um… Kwan."

Jeff's eyebrows rise on his forehead before a grin stretches across his face. "Really? Aw fuck man, you guys are… shit, you guys would be adorable together. You should match ties at the formal, he'd say it's corny but you know he'd really love it."

"I still have to ask him to  _go_ , Jeff," Keith responds, a short laugh leaving him when Jeff shrugs.

I can see the tension ease from Keith almost immediately. Like telling another person about his crush on Kwan is the only thing that weighs on his mind. When in reality, there's so much shit weighing on him, I'm surprised he's even here tonight. But I guess even Keith has to have these simple, high-school problems. Cause maybe talking about who he's crushing on is his way of forgetting about everything else. Kind of like the way thinking about Danny keeps me from thinking about anything else.

I'm gonna take Keith's approach to this party. I'm not gonna think about the other shit I have to deal with and I'm not gonna let Blake weigh on my mind either. I'm gonna chill out with my friends and not worry about anything. With the holidays coming up and every other crazy thing in my life, who knows when I'll get a chance like this again?

* * *

 

People show up non-stop for hours. Every time someone rings the doorbell, I'm surprised at just how many people are standing outside. I didn't think that Danny invited this many people but apparently, he wanted his first time hosting a party to be a success.

My teammates take photos with each other, sending some to their friends on Snapchat or uploading them to Facebook or somewhere else. Kwan manages to get me in on a photo with him and Keith but as a whole, I hang back from the pictures. I pay attention to Danny instead.

He's playing the part of host perfectly and though most of the people here have already gone through several cases of beer, I don't see Danny take more than a few sips off a can. He's always adjusting the music, making sure the tables outside stay stocked with alcohol, or talking with people and doing his best to entertain them. At one point during the night, I hear him tell Paulina that he's going to check on the tables outside again so I beat him there and wait for him to show up.

Danny doesn't notice me – too busy surveying the table. He makes a small tsking noise that I barely catch over the sound of the thrumming music coming from the house. He turns back for the door but I catch him by the elbow before he can escape. He makes a surprised noise but relaxes when he sees it's me.

"Hey," he says brightly, gently pulling his arm from me. He folds his arm over his chest and holds his elbow in one hand, his smile widening when he nods toward me. "You look like you're having a good time. Enjoying the party?"

I'd be having way more fun if Danny was with me for the whole night. If he was hanging off my arm and we were driving our friends crazy from sending them way too many photos of us. Because if he were with me, I'd want everyone to know.

"Yeah, the party's cool… You're doing a great job," I say, watching the way my compliment bolsters his confidence again. He visibly brightens and he stands just a little taller. Though he ducks his head to avoid me seeing the flush on his face, I see it. I'd have to be blind not to.

Danny rubs the back of his neck embarrassedly, nodding when he manages to look up at me. "Thank you. It… means a lot coming from you," he says softly, his gaze drifting back toward the house.

I can tell he's thinking of his duties as a host and wondering how the guests are doing. He's probably thinking about how he should go back inside and make sure that everyone's still having a good time but I don't want him to. And though I might do what others want of me, when it comes down to it – I'm a selfish person. And I want Danny all to myself. I don't know when we'll get another quiet moment like this and… it feels like the right time.

"Hang on, they can fend for themselves for a few minutes," I say, taking Danny's arm again when he starts to turn back to the house. "Trust me, our friends know their way around a party by now."

Danny brightens again, a certain note of surprise in his expression and I realize it's my words. But it's true. They're not just my friends anymore. They might turn up anywhere for alcohol and a chance to blow off studying for another night but that's not the only reason they're here. It's Danny. He draws people in – makes you feel like you're the only person in the room. And right now, I don't want that to be only a feeling.

He smiles softly, shuffling closer to me in the silence. He keeps glancing at me and away again and I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he's known for a while. I wonder if he's thought about the fact that I'm completely  _obsessed_ with him. I wonder how it's made him feel.

I move my hand down to his, squeezing it tightly in my grip before I meet his gaze again, smiling as widely as my heart can possibly manage. "Take a walk with me?" I ask, studying him as his stare shifts back to the house. A strand of his fringe falls away from the rest so neatly tucked behind his ear and though I wouldn't normally, I reach out to brush it back.

He looks at me at the contact but he doesn't seem startled. He holds my gaze with his own and slowly nods, falling into step with me as I lead him away from the house. I keep our hands linked together and occasionally run my thumb across the back of his palm.

My heart is hammering in my chest and my old friend anxiety is twisting around me like it doesn't want to let me speak. Like it's afraid of what will happen once Danny hears how much I care for him.  _That makes two of us, anxiety._

"You know, Danny… I've been thinking," I say softly, coming to a stop several paces from the back door. I turn to look at him and I watch his throat bob as he swallows. Nervous energy builds up inside of me and it comes out in a stilted laugh. "S-Sorry, I'm uh… guess I'm just a little nervous?"

Danny nods, squeezing my hand in his own. "I understand," he whispers softly, silently urging me to keep going just from the look in his eyes.  _He wants this too._

"The thing is… we uh… haven't known each other that long. A-And I know that this might sound a little bit… sudden but you gotta know… I've been thinking about this for a while and I… can't hold it back anymore." Keeping the way I feel for Danny to myself has been one of the hardest things I've ever done and I can't anymore. Holding back the things I feel is like trying to hold back a raging river.

I can't help the smile I can feel pulling at my mouth as I reach a hand out to touch his cheek. He exhales out slowly and for a moment, we simply hold each other's gaze. I tell him a thousand things with one look that I swear to myself I'll say in words when I find the breath.  _Danny, I like you. More than I can say. More than I know_ how  _to say. I don't know how this is gonna work but… we'll make it work. Because you're everything to me. Because I love you._

"Danny, the thing is-"

"Hey, Danny, where'd you run off to? I thought we were doing shots together!" someone calls out into the backyard.

My heart freezes as Danny pulls his hand from mine and turns to look back at whoever's wandered outside. Whoever's standing out there on the patio has just interrupted a moment – a single  _moment_ – that was supposed to change my life and Danny's, too. I was supposed to make him mine.

"Gimme a minute, Jeff?" Danny asks, turning away from me. He takes a few steps away from me, giving Jeff a smile. "I'll be inside soon, I'm talking to Dash."

Jeff waves at me before realization seems to dawn on him and he gives me a sympathetic look. "Okay… take all the time you need, I'll just be… around," he says, mouthing 'sorry' at me when Danny turns his back to him.

Sorry doesn't give me the courage I so desperately need right now to convince my splintered tongue to speak again. I don't want to leave here tonight without telling Danny everything I feel so strongly for him but… the moment is lost. I can't tell him now when he's supposed to be inside taking shots with Jeff and getting back to his party. He's nervous already… I can't be the person that adds to that now.

I truly am a master in the art of pulling myself together when everything starts to fall apart around me. It's how I'm able to paint a grin on my face when Danny turns back to me and play this off like the whole thing was just about the two of us being great friends. Like I don't long to kiss his knuckles and hold him close every time I see him.

"Just wanted to ask you… if you wanted to come with me in January. I'm… supposed to be visiting a college that wants me to play for their team," I say, that grin slipping from my face for a moment. "I don't know… I think you could use the time away, I guess."

He lets out a breath and I see a flash of disappointment cross his expression. He knows. He's gotta know what I'm holding back. What I'm too scared to say in this moment.

I keep smiling but I don't know how much longer I can hold the expression. I ache to tell him and if it were up to me, I wouldn't let him go back inside his house until I'd kissed every inch of him and until he'd know without a doubt that I care about him.

Danny smiles but it seems just a little forced. "Sure, that sounds really nice. I'd love that." He puts his hand on my chest, his touch electrifying and far too much heat in the chill of his backyard. "I'm really proud of you, Dash."

I nod in response, grinning despite my heart breaking into a thousand pieces. He keeps watching me and even though I want to pull him in my arms and never let him go, I nod toward the house. "Anyway… I don't want to keep you from Jeff."

He gives me a look like he'd forget all about Jeff if I asked him to. But it isn't fair of me to keep him to myself. He's worked really hard on this night. He wants to impress everyone in there and he can hardly do that standing outside with me, waiting on words I can never say.

Danny drops his hand from my chest with a nod. "I'll see you later, then."

I watch him go back to the house, wishing against everything that I had just pulled him against my lips instead of wasting time on words. I'm shit with them anyway so they're never going to tell him what he needs to hear. What I'm dying to say.

He turns back to me as I'm trying to cage up my aching heart and I feel so vulnerable when he looks back at me. Like he can see the expression on my face and know instantly what's tearing at me.  _I'm sorry, Danny. I'm sorry I don't have the guts to tell you._

"Is that… all you wanted to tell me?" he asks, a hesitant tone to his voice.

I should take this chance. My heart's racing, he's still right in front of me, and I  _want_ him. But I want him to have this more. The party, the fitting in, all of the stuff that comes along with finally getting out of his shell. Blake kept him hidden away from things like this and I'll never do what he did. I can't smother Danny or keep him to myself the way that  _he_ did.

"Yeah, that's… that was it," I mumble the lie, unable to hold his gaze for longer than a few seconds.

Danny sighs heavily, his gaze away from me when I look up at him again. He's chewing on his bottom lip, his gaze on the pool lights drifting lazily in the water. I want to throw myself into that water just to cool me down from this moment. From the heat of this night.

"Dash…" he calls softly, exhaling out with my name.

I move closer to him but the distance between us is still gaping. It still makes me ache to have my arms around him. My lips against his. My hands in his hair and his breath in my mouth and-

"Y-Yeah?"

Danny meets my gaze when I find the strength to speak and he just stares at me. He watches me in silence, waiting for me to say something I'll never find the strength to.  _I like you, Danny. Please, understand what I mean just from the look on my face. I fucking like you, Danny._

"I… hope you enjoy the party," he says, turning back for the house without another word.

I watch him go, heart in my hand, and chest ripped open. I didn't tell him the truth. I promised myself that I'd tell him tonight. I've already missed my chance once… I can't let myself miss again. The next time that we're alone, I won't waste my time on words. I'll press my lips to his until he knows that I could never think of him as only a friend.

* * *

 

I wander through the backyard for a while, listening to the music drifting outside, and sipping on a Dr. Pepper that I'm pretty sure Blake tried to spike at one point. He and a couple of my other drunk teammates came stumbling out of the house earlier and were hanging on me, talking about how much fun this party is. I somehow managed to get them to leave me alone but something tells me that Blake's not as drunk as he's pretending to be.

Keith comes out of the house a little later on to check on me, saying that Kwan was worried cause he hasn't seen me inside in a while. I tell him I'm just taking a minute before I head back inside but he knows it's a lie. He puts a hand on my shoulder in some attempt at comfort but he doesn't even know what he's comforting me from. Maybe he thinks it's shit with my dad, I don't know. But I force a smile and a nod anyway and Keith goes back inside the house.

I only let myself stay outside for a little while longer, the cold finally getting to me, before I head back inside, pouring what's left of my now warm soda into the grass on my way to the back door. A group of freshmen are standing near the back door, talking loudly and urging one of their friends, who already looks drunk out of his mind, to chug his beer.

"Weird to think that was once us," someone says a few paces down the hall and I look up.

Kwan gives me a smile and bumps his shoulder against mine when I'm close enough to him. "I was wondering where you went off to. I was starting to get worried about you," he says, rolling his eyes when I stick my tongue out. "Where'd you go?"

"I was outside," I respond, turning into the kitchen before I can pass it. "I need a drink."

Kwan follows me as we pass by several people just so I can throw my can away in the garbage. I open the fridge and survey the options that are left, hesitating only a second before I reach for another Dr. Pepper.

"I thought you meant a drink, drink," Kwan says, frowning as I pop the tab on my soda with a shrug. "In case you missed it… we're at a party, Dash. And you're not drinking?"

Kwan sighs when I don't respond, choosing to drain half of my soda instead. He leans against the counter next to where I'm standing and lowers his voice.

"If something's going on… you know you can tell me," he practically whispers, glancing over his shoulder. He nods once he looks back at me. "What is it?"

I sigh, not out of frustration or because of Kwan but it's the situation. I want to tell Danny the way that I feel for him so desperately but there's never a right time. And I'm afraid that never finding the right time is some kind of warning from the universe that my stupid heart is choosing to ignore because I want him  _so_ badly.

"Nothing, man. I just don't feel like getting drunk tonight," I respond, swallowing down another few gulps of my soda before I pat him on the shoulder. "Go enjoy yourself, okay? I'm good, I promise."

Kwan gives me a look like he doesn't believe me but I give him a push in the direction of the drunk idiots known as our teammates and they're quick to pull him into their midst, exclaiming excitedly about some kind of app or something. I tip my can in Kwan's direction when he looks back at me but I make no move to rescue him from our teammates. He can fend for himself for now. I've got something more important to do.

* * *

 

Danny's apparently quit playing the part of a host and has disappeared somewhere in the house. He's not in the living room where the heart of the party is and I can't find him on the fringes anywhere. I can't explain the way my heart's started pounding at the thought of something happening to Danny but I take the stairs two at a time to look for him.

A few people are lingering in the hallway outside his bedroom but they're not paying me attention when I pass by them – too busy sucking face to even look up. I try his bedroom door but it's locked and I don't hear him inside when I press my ear to the door. His sister's bedroom is open and there's no one inside. Which only leaves one other place.

The bathroom is only a few doors down from his room and when I press my ear to the door, I can hear someone inside. Someone that sounds like they're crying.

My heart squeezes but I tap the door with my knuckles, hoping that Danny can hear me over the sound of the music. "Danny?" I almost whisper, my voice dry and scratchy as emotion chokes me.  _Why is he crying?_

He doesn't respond but I can hear him sniffling so I knock lightly again. "Danny, it's me… Let me in."

There's no response but I know he heard me. Cause his sniffles get louder and it takes me a split second before I realize the reason he's getting louder is cause he's closer to the door. I have just enough time to stand up again before he opens the door. He ushers me in quickly and closes the door back behind me, turning the lock with a heavy sigh.

Danny rests his forehead against the door, a shuddering breath leaving him. A soft noise leaves him when I put my hand on his back but he lets me touch him. He lets me pull him toward me and hold him against my chest.

"What's going on?" I whisper, dropping my cheek against the top of his head. He's shaking in my arms and I hate that he's scared. I don't want him to be afraid of anything. I can protect him from anything – all he has to do is tell me what he needs.  _I'm here, Danny. It's okay, I'm here._

He holds me tighter and my heart constricts as he begins to talk softly, his voice breaking once or twice. "It's… Blake. I don't… want him here," he confesses with a heavy sigh. "I've been having lunch with all of your friends in the cafeteria every day for weeks now and… I thought that made a difference. I thought that I was getting better. That… this would be okay."

Danny sniffles, letting out a heavy sigh. "But this setting… it's the way it used to be between us and I… it still hurts, Dash. I don't… I don't want this."

Fuck. Blake's a fucking asshole for even showing up tonight. Danny extended the invitation but anyone with half a fucking brain would have realized when the invitation was just a formality. He should have realized before now that Danny didn't actually want him here.

Danny pushes away from me, wiping a hand down his face as he stumbles over to the tub, practically collapsing onto the edge. He lets out one shaky breath after another, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip as he shakes his head.

Words fail me again and I can't force my legs to move me across the room to where he's sitting. I'm stuck in place by the brewing anger in the pit of my stomach and the crushing  _ache_ in my heart from knowing how horrible Danny's really doing. This was his idea. I believed him. When he told me he'd be okay tonight, I was the idiot who  _believed_ him.

Danny hesitantly lifts his gaze to mine, still chewing on his bottom lip. "Feel free to… say that you told me so at any time," he mumbles, shaking his head as he drops his gaze. He's silent for a few seconds, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. "You were right. This wasn't a good idea."

The sound of his voice so quiet, so  _broken_ , stirs me out of my trance and I move to where he is, kneeling on the floor when I'm close enough to him. He looks up again and I reach for him, placing my hand on his cheek and ignoring the way the butterflies in my gut love the way he leans into my touch.

"I… could never say that. You were only doing what you thought was right. You were doing what you thought you needed to," I say, my voice barely above a whisper as I run my thumb across his cheek.

Danny exhales out another shuddering breath, dropping his gaze from mine as he nods. He's not that carefree boy I've come to know and I can see how heavily all of this shit weighs on him. But Blake's an asshole and I won't let him fuck with Danny tonight.

"I'll make him leave, okay? Jeff and I will make him go home," I say, dropping my hand from Danny's face and scooting back a little on the tile of his bathroom.

He immediately looks up and shakes his head, grabbing my hand before I can move too far away from him. "No. I don't…" he trails off, his eyes falling closed as his voice falls to a whisper. "I don't want him to know that this still hurts."

Of course this still hurts. It hasn't even been two years yet. The physical marks that Blake inflicted upon this boy in front of me may have healed but his heart… god, his heart hasn't had enough time. He's still hurting and goddammit, he has a  _right_ to fucking hurt.

I pull Danny against my chest, being careful of the way I hold him. I have no right to hold him like anything other than a friend. He's still hurting and he doesn't need anyone hitting on him right now. Or… even for a while. And despite how much my selfish heart is begging me to just fucking kiss him, I can't. I won't do that to him. I'll find time in the future to tell him how much I care about him but for now…  _showing_ him how much I care is far more important.

* * *

 

I promise Danny that I'll find a way to run Blake off without letting him know that's what I'm trying to do and I leave him in the bathroom to compose himself a little before he rejoins the party. I have no fucking clue how I'm going to manage running Blake off without raising some kind of questions but I have to do something. I can't leave Danny to deal with him all night.

Paulina's standing at the edge of the kitchen with a few cheerleaders but she easily turns to me when I come to a stop beside her. She's the only person here that knows the full story and can help Danny while I'm away from him.

I slide my arm around Paulina's waist and tug her a little away from the other girls, ducking my head to whisper in her ear.

"I need to find a way to send Blake home, Danny's not doing so great. Can you stay with him while I handle Blake?" I whisper, waiting until she nods before I continue. "He's in the bathroom upstairs trying to calm down. Last door on the right."

Paulina grabs my arm when I try to pull away from her and she stands on her tiptoes, pulling me closer to her to whisper in my ear. "Try to get Blake drunk and call an Uber for him," she says, giving me a nod when she pulls away.

I watch her head for the stairs for a few seconds before I leave to find Blake. In the throng of moving, partying bodies, it's hard to locate my teammate or even know if I'm going in the right direction. But when I hear somebody bragging about their late night parties and how this one pales in comparison… I know I'm heading in his direction.

"Hell, I wouldn't have believed it either if those models hadn't been standing in front of me. And if I hadn't gotten a lap dance from Crystal…" Blake whistles, as he nods toward our teammates. "Trust me, I wouldn't make this shit up."

My hands clench into fists unconsciously as I near him but I force myself to relax before I paste a grin on my face. "Hey, Weston."

Blake turns to me, his irritation obvious despite his attempts to play it cool. "Sup, Baxter? Finally get bored of sitting outside feeling sorry for yourself?" he asks, glancing at our teammate when Dale elbows him.  _He's such a fucker._

"You still owe me a game of beer pong," I say, almost choking over the smirk I manage to keep on my face. Blake doesn't deserve a single fucking thing from me but I have to keep my hate to myself for now. For Danny.

Blake raises an eyebrow in surprise, a laugh tumbling from him as he steps away from our teammates. He folds his arms over his chest, flicking his gaze down my frame before he meets my stare, a condescending smile on his face. "Is that your way of saying you want to get wasted?"

_The goddamn, little-_

"I'd watch the trash talk if I were you. Dash has been the reigning pong champion since freshman year," Keith says quietly, matching the glare Blake turns to him with. "You know it's true. We  _all_ do."

Blake scoffs, uncrossing his arms and rolling his shoulders before he turns back to me with a smirk. "Well that was  _freshman_ year, Keith. It's not my fault if Dash wants to lose his title tonight," he says, that condescending grin still on his face.

Sometimes I forget just how annoying Blake can be. Amidst all of the other shitty things my teammate can be, the level of his irritating nature sometimes slips my mind. But tonight it's not escaping my notice. He's like an overgrown child with this kind of stuff.

"The only person that's gonna be losing tonight is you, Weston. And if you're done gossiping about shit you've never actually done, then get ready to lose," I practically spit at him, watching the way his eyes narrow as he takes a step toward me.

Blake takes another step until he's close enough for me to feel his breath on my cheek and catch the way he  _reeks_ of beer already when he laughs. But my words struck something in him and he gives me the response I was hoping for all along.

"Bring it on, Baxter."

* * *

 

A lot of people think that winning a game of beer pong comes down to luck and maybe a little talent. But I didn't earn my reputation as the party champ by talent. The game is like football. It's based on skill, hard work, and practice. I've always worked harder than Blake at every football practice and I've got more skill in my pinky finger than he does in his entire body.

We decided on playing to best 3 out of 5. I've won twice and we're halfway through the third game. Blake's got seven of my cups left on the table and I'm down to four of his. He's still conscious but swaying a lot.

He blinks against the exhaustion pulling at him and licks his lips, rolling the ball in his palm twice before he looks up at me. "Rerack, I can't shoot like this," he says, stepping back from the table.

I give him a look but he insists so I line my cups into a triangle again, watching as he gets back into position to aim. He chews on his bottom lip, deciding where to shoot before he aims. The ball bounces off the table and barely hits the rim of one of my cups on the outer edge of my triangle.

Blake swears under his breath, wiping his forehead with his forearm, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. His hands are shaking as I reach down to pick up the ball and I decide to offer him an easy out. He's already almost drunk enough for me to send home without causing some kind of scene.

"If you want to quit now, no hard feelings, Blake," I say, rolling the ball between my thumb and fingers a couple times before I shrug. "It's up to you."

He shakes his head, huffing out a sigh. "No, if I win this one… we have to play another. A-And then if I win that one, we'll be tied and I'll have to-"

"Dude, the odds of you tying with him are second to none," Dale says with a laugh.

Blake turns to him with an irritated snarl, getting in Dale's face as he speaks. "Shut the fuck up. You're too much of a fucking coward to play him yourself."

Jeff rolls his eyes and grabs Blake's arm, pulling him away from Dale. "Calm down, it's just a game," he says, shrugging when Blake turns to look at him. "Look, no one here gives a shit if you lose. It's not the end of the world if-"

Blake's a lot like my dad. He's never been the kind of person to argue with words. He's rarely participated in class debates and when situations like this play out, he hates to come up stupid. So he doesn't wait to hear the rest of Jeff's sentence. He just shuts him up by landing his fist against the side of Jeff's jaw instead.

"What the fuck?" someone yells and Dale starts for Blake, quickly followed by Keith and Zeke. A few of our other teammates surge forward from the crowd in anticipation of holding Jeff back but he doesn't start toward Blake like I thought he would.

Jeff rubs his fingers lightly over his jaw where Blake's fist connected with him, some kind of half-laugh, half-scoff leaving him. He looks at Blake again and takes one step toward him.

"That is the only time you're ever gonna punch me." He speaks softly but the room has gone so quiet, it's almost as though he's shouting. He lets out another strangled laugh, shaking his head in the silence. "You're drunk. So I'm gonna let this go. But not again, Blake."

Blake scoffs, trying to pull away from the grip that Dale has on his arms. "Fuck off, like you could stop me – you can't throw a punch worth shit. When things get rough, you chicken shit out of doing anything. You're a fucking coward too, Jeff. You pretend you're not but you are. You're all fucking cowards!"

I can see a muscle in Jeff's jaw clench as he grits his teeth together. He lifts his gaze to Dale and nods once. "Get him out of here before I do."

Dale and Zeke ignore Blake's arguing and physically drag him away from Jeff and out the front door. Everyone's still silent but there's almost like a breath of relief that ripples through the crowd and I'm not immune to it either. I hadn't realized until now just how tightly I had my hands clenched.

"You think he was high?" one of my teammates asks quietly.

Jeff shakes his head, running his fingers along his jawline again. "No. Blake's just a really sore loser," he says, looking my way with a shrug. "That could have been your face he went after, you know. You should really thank me."

That playful grin is easing its way back onto his face and the silence that the room was engulfed in is almost immediately broken. I grin back at Jeff, moving from behind the table to give him a playful shove.

"You should be thankful he only got one hit in. I don't think Star would look at you if you got any uglier," I say with a grin when Jeff rolls his eyes.

He elbows me in the side with a laugh, glancing over his shoulder. "Speaking of… any idea where she went?" He nods when I shake my head and starts away from the crowd that's formed around the table. I haven't seen Star since I saw her crying in the kitchen before everyone started showing up. Before Jeff told me that she's pregnant.

Keith joins me when I start clearing away the cups and I push the table back into the right spot. The crowd has slowly started to move on from the almost fight that Blake started. Come Monday morning, no one's even going to be talking about him and that's probably both a good and a bad thing.

Blake doesn't deserve any kind of attention for tonight. For trying to start shit with somebody who's never been involved in this situation. But part of me wants people talking about him. So that they  _never_ forget the kind of asshole he can be. So that if all this shit with Danny ever comes to light… there won't be a single person in this town that won't believe him.

* * *

 

I wait until everyone's back to dancing and drinking before I slip up the stairs. The bathroom door is open and no one's inside. But across the hall, Danny's bedroom door is closed with the light on underneath it.

I move across the landing and tap on the door, whispering that it's me.

The doorknob turns and I expect to see Danny's tear-stained face again but it's Paulina who greets me. She gives me a sympathetic look and steps back to let me inside his room, shutting the door behind her.

Star's sitting on the bed next to Danny and glances up when she sees me. She doesn't look surprised at my presence and immediately looks back to Danny, whispering something softly to him as she puts a hand on his knee.

Danny nods at whatever she's saying before he lifts his gaze to mine. His eyes are red and his sniffle is unmistakable. He won't hold my gaze for long but it doesn't matter. Cause I cross the floor and come to kneel in front of him again.

He lets out a shuddering breath, turning away from me like that will hide it. Like that will stop me from seeing how badly he's hurting.  _I already know, Danny. It's okay._

I brush my knuckles against his cheekbone and he squeezes his eyes closed tighter but he doesn't pull away from me. God, it  _hurts_ to see him hurting. I hate that I can't help him. Blake's leaving but it's not enough. Danny needs more than just Blake disappearing for the night. He needs Blake gone forever.

"Did you send him home?" Paulina asks from her position leaning against the door. She raises an eyebrow when I glance over my shoulder and I nod at her, casting a hesitant glance toward Star.

"It's okay… she knows, too."

Danny meets my gaze for a split second when he speaks but he won't look at me for long, immediately dropping his stare to the floor with a heavy sigh. He swallows hard, his hand trembling as he reaches for me.

I don't have to be asked twice to hug him, I just pull him against my chest and lock my arms around him. He exhales out shakily again, his whole  _body_ shaking in my arms and I hold him tighter. I can't help him but I can hold him. And if that's all I can do in this moment, then that's what I'll do. Because I will  _never_ abandon Danny.

* * *

 

Fifteen minutes pass with awkward conversation and small-talk and Danny's not getting any better. He's still shaking and none of us are sure if it's from the panic still fucking with him or something entirely different.

Danny's on his bed and Paulina's got her arm wrapped loosely around his shoulders. Like she's worried that he'll run if she doesn't keep a hold on him. Star's on the bed with them, holding Danny's hand in hers. I'm on the floor in front of him, alternating between watching the time and watching his face.

He looks up at me when I raise my stare from my phone screen and though he's still shaking, for just the smallest moment, he manages to give me a tiny smile. And that smile is like a gulp of fresh air that my lungs have been crying out for. It brings a hesitant smile to my own face and he ducks his head, his face turning red as he lets out a breath.

"How'd you get him to leave?" Star finally asks, looking from Danny to me.

I shrug, my gaze barely leaving Danny for longer than a few seconds at a time. "He was losing in beer pong and punched Jeff," I say, giving her a sympathetic look. "Jeff's fine. But we were all in agreement to kick Blake out after that."

Star sits up straighter, blinking once as her eyebrows rise on her forehead. "Where's Jeff now?"

"Downstairs. He was looking for you earlier," I say, glancing toward the closed door. Star chews on her bottom lip, glancing at Paulina who nods once before she stands from the bed.

I watch Star go for a few seconds before I take her place on the end of Danny's bed. I don't sit as close to him as she was, somehow feeling this unconscious need for space between us. Despite the fact that I just want to hold him in my arms and let him know that everything's gonna be okay, I don't take his hand in mine and I don't move any closer to him.

"Do you want us to leave you alone?" Paulina asks.

Danny shrugs her arm off his shoulders. "I don't care either way… I'll be fine in a minute," he says softly, not lifting his gaze from the carpet.  _Fuck._ He's started to tremble again and I hate seeing him like this. I want Blake to feel the same level of fear Danny feels just from seeing his stupid fucking face.

"He's a fucking idiot," I blurt out, watching Danny's eyes widen in surprise. He looks at me then and I almost choke over the emotion in his eyes. "He's an idiot for ever putting his hands on you and- god, he's never gonna know what he let go of. You're worth so much more than he ever realized and he's a fucking  _idiot_ for not seeing it."

Silence falls over the three of us and Danny won't look away from me. He fidgets once or twice before he lets out a quiet breath, leaning over to take my hand in his. He hesitates a second but he brings my hand up to his mouth and presses his lips to the back of my hand.

The butterflies I've been housing in my gut for the past three months fucking  _escape_ the moment his lips are against my skin. I have to bite my tongue until I taste blood to keep from making a noise that would sound way too sexual in the silence and privacy of his bedroom.

Even though Paulina's making eyes at me behind Danny, I ignore her and squeeze Danny's hand in my own. I don't fucking care who sees us right now. This is about Danny. And I'll let him do anything he wants to me as long as it takes away that sadness that's stitched itself to his soul. If there's anything I can do to pry the loneliness from his bones, he doesn't even need to ask. Because despite the way I want and crave him… I think his needs will always come before my own.

* * *

 

Danny decides to take those few minutes alone so Paulina and I leave his bedroom together, even though I desperately want to stay with him. She pulls the door closed behind us and nudges me in the side before I've taken more than a step away from her.

"What was that for?"

She grins in response, placing a hand on her hip and stepping in front of me, blocking my path to the stairs. "You've got it  _bad_ for him," she says, her grin only widening with the heat I can feel on my face. "Are you going to hate me forever if I say that watching you like this is kind of adorable?"

"Shut up," I scoff, folding my arms over my chest with a shrug. "It's just a stupid crush."

Paulina rolls her eyes. "Dash, you're a horrible liar. You think I'm the only one that's noticed how much you practically fawn over him? Star was asking me about it the other day and I lied to her because I know you're not ready for a bunch of people to know yet," she says, raising an eyebrow when I look up at her. "Don't even try to deny it, you know I can see right through your bullshit."

_Goddammit. Does everyone in the fucking school know that I'm completely in love with Danny?_

"It's not like anything could ever come from it so… it doesn't matter," I respond. She gives me a funny look – like maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong way. Like maybe I just don't understand that someone like me could actually be with someone like Danny. But it's not even about that shit anymore. It doesn't have anything to do with the part about me not deserving someone as kind and amazing as Danny. It's about him. And what he wants. What he  _needs_.

I lower my voice, leaning against the nearest wall. "You saw him tonight. Does it really look like he's ready to jump into another relationship?"

Her expression turns sad and the only thing she can do is shake her head, placing a hand on my shoulder. I can't stand the sympathy in her gaze for long and I turn my stare past her, watching drunk idiots on the stairs and listening to the sound of the party. Everyone's moved on from the incident with Blake but the boy in the room behind me never will. No matter how many times I promise to hold his heart gently or to protect him from people like Blake, Danny will never believe me. He'll always be afraid. And I'm not the kind of person that can eradicate fear from  _anyone_.

* * *

 

Paulina convinces me to come downstairs even though I want to spend the rest of the night shadowing Danny. She leaves me with Keith and Dale and starts making the rounds, taking up Danny's host duties effortlessly. The way she steps in for him brings this aching sort of feeling to my heart. This is who Paulina is. She's not the same girl that outed him in sophomore year. I don't think she ever was. Blake just infects everything he ever touches.

Keith is going on about some assignment in history class and I'm only half-listening from the start. But the second I see Danny coming down the staircase, I completely blank. Nothing else can keep my focus when he's in the room.

Mitch meets him at the bottom of the stairs before I can cross the room to get to him. Danny's face is flushed and he's shaking his head with a broad smile. Mitch's eyebrows are drawn down and he keeps nodding but he swallows down whatever lie Danny manages to spin.

Danny steps past Mitch and his eyes scan the crowd. For half a second, I think he's looking for me. But I know he's not. He's watching his back, making sure that Blake really is gone. He doesn't have to worry about that. I'd never let Blake get close enough to hurt him again.

Mitch says something, earning Danny's attention again and I slip off further into the crowd. I want to go to him – make sure that he's okay. But I don't want to smother him. I don't want to let on how much my care has turned to love in the few months I've known him.

Danny's involved in the conversation with Mitch so I disappear into the kitchen, desperately craving the taste of alcohol now but I don't go for it. I don't know what I'm up against for the rest of the night and I don't want to risk it.

Paulina finds me twenty minutes later, sulking with another Dr. Pepper, and she gives me a look. "Danny's outside with some of our friends," she says, nodding toward the back of the house like I should go. Like I should instantly let myself be around him when I'm destined to only make him think of Blake. I'm just as desperately in love with him and that will only ever serve as a cruel reminder.

I shrug, dropping my stare down to my can. I watch the way the light catches and glints off the top when I tilt the can back and forth. Paulina sighs, her hands on her hips when I look up at her.

"You can't do this forever, you know." She frowns, shaking her head. "It's Danny's choice to be with you or not. You can't make that decision for him."

"I'm not trying to," I argue.

"What – and hiding out from him is what, not a choice?" she asks, unfolding her arms to put her hand on my upper arm. "Look, I'm just saying. Give him a chance. He might even like you back."

He doesn't. There's no damn way he does. Because the universe isn't kind to me – it doesn't  _care_  for boys like me. Boys that like other boys. Boys that don't stand up to their own fathers. Boys that make one mistake after another. Boys so selfish, they keep their distance from someone that needs them because it  _hurts_.

"Dash, thank god," someone says, stepping into the kitchen.

I shift my gaze past Paulina and see Valerie, dressed in her coat and with cheeks red from the wind. "I swear, If I had to pass one more drunk, rambling  _idiot_ …" she trails off, rolling her eyes with a grumble. "Long story short, good thing I found you."

Paulina glances at me and I shift away from the counter, doing my best impression of a smile for Valerie. Danny invited her on the group message he sent out but she never responded. I didn't think she'd come after everything I asked of her.

"Didn't know you were coming. You got the night off?" I ask.

Valerie shakes her head, folding her arms over her chest. I offer to take her jacket but she cuts me off. "I'm not staying. I came to find you because you weren't answering your phone," she says, subtly glancing toward Paulina as if to ask me what the hell she's doing here.

"Well you found me," I say, injecting some attempt at humor into my tone but it's lost on Valerie.

She nods, unfolding her arms to place a hand on my shoulder. "Let's go outside for a second, I can barely hear myself think over this music," she says, turning away from me before I have the chance to respond.

I watch her go before I start out of the kitchen. I'm only two paces from Paulina before I turn back to her. "Watch out for Danny while I'm gone?"

Paulina nods, her eyebrows drawing down as I leave her standing in the kitchen. I don't know what Valerie's shown up here for or why she wants me outside but her lack of a smile is more concerning to me than it probably should be. I know Valerie better than I know myself… and something's scratching at me – telling me that whatever the reason she's here, it can't be good.

* * *

 

Valerie's leaning against my car, holding something against her chest, when I step outside. I can just barely see her in the dim lighting of the winter night but she looks up from where she's standing, ducking her chin into the collar of her jacket as she watches me descend the few stairs leading down from Danny's house.

"Sorry I missed your calls… I know it's a long drive out here," I mumble, scratching the back of my head as a shiver runs through me. I forgot to grab my jacket on the way out and the wind is almost biting against my skin.

She shakes her head. "It's okay. I'd rather get this over with," she says, holding out something toward me that I can barely make out in the darkness. "This is everything that the government had on the phantom. At least… everything I could find."

My heart constricts at the same time my stomach practically drops to the ground.  _Fuck_. I thought she was going to  _destroy_ all of this, not give it to me. I don't know what the fuck to do with something like this.

I take a stack of folders from her and let out a breath that hangs in the air. She meets my gaze when I look at her but we don't look at each other for long. I stumble over to the hood of my car and set the folders down, quickly digging my phone from my pocket and turning the flashlight on.

Valerie moves over to me and I flip open the first folder, thumbing through the contents quickly before I move onto the next folder. I'm barely registering what I'm reading and I realize that I'm not actually reading it. I'm just scanning it for Danny's name.

"Do they…suspect him?" I ask softly, a shiver racing through me as I flip another page.

She exhales out, shifting closer to me until our shoulders are touching. "No. I went through everything myself. There's nothing in these files that directly ties Danny to any of this stuff."

I breathe a sigh of relief.  _Finally_. Danny will be free as soon as I destroy all of this documentation and shit about him. Even if I don't destroy it – even if I just lock this shit away in my room forever, it still doesn't tie Danny to any part of it.

"But this might," Valerie says, continuing what I thought was finished. My heart sinks when she presses something into my hand, closing my fingers around it with hers. "It's a sample of blood the police gathered from a scene of a break-in that the phantom fled from. A few of the agents assigned to this task force were still in the process of removing the contamination from the DNA so… they probably never got a chance to compare it to any other samples they might have. And odds are, they don't have any samples of Danny's blood anyway."

All of this. Every part of this stuff about the phantom… I have it all now. And if I destroy it… will that end everything? Will that keep Danny safe? Will it keep him from having to hide forever? Or by having Valerie steal it so it can be destroyed simply point the finger in his direction?  _Fuck_ , how close did those agents get to figuring it all out?

"Val… thank you," I whisper, not even sure if this was the right move anymore. But she risked her job and she risked getting caught just to do this. To get everything related to the phantom. She doesn't know Danny the way that I do but she still got these for him. For  _me._

She sighs, putting her hand on my shoulder with a shake of her head. "I know that you're already hopelessly in love with him so saying this is pointless but… be careful, okay? I know you said that he's done doing this but in case he's not… you need to be aware of what the government will do to him if they catch him."

_Like chase him down and shoot a tracking device into him?_

I push out a breath from between my trembling lips and nod. Valerie holds my gaze in silence, shaking her head a little before she pulls me into her arms. I don't have the words to tell her how grateful I am for this. How much having this documentation has lifted a weight from my chest that I didn't even know was there. I can't express the way that I feel so I hold her closer, tighter, like that will somehow convey everything my heart wants to tell her.

Valerie holds me back just as tightly, running her hands up and down my spine in an almost soothing manner. But her touches are far too hesitant and skittish to be comforting.  _She's afraid._  Of me? Of what I've asked of her? …of  _Danny_?

"Take care of yourself tonight, Dash," Valerie whispers, pulling away to look at me. A smile ghosts across her face again and I catch the flash of her teeth in the darkness. She nudges my foot with hers and grins at me. "I heard something about you winning a couple games of beer pong?"

If we weren't standing outside in the darkness, she'd notice the way my whole body has stiffened at the mention of the game. She'd see the way my hands have unconsciously clenched into fists and she'd ask me about it. Valerie would make some joke about how it's only a game and I would be unable to laugh it off. I'd tell her everything. By the end of the party, she would know everything there is to know about Blake and Paulina and Danny… trembling,  _scared_  Danny.

But we're not standing in the light and I know she wants to go home and crawl in bed. I can't blame her – part of me wants to leave the party early but I can't. I left my heart inside with Danny. I can't leave him yet.

"You know me, Valerie. Reigning beer pong champion," I say with a grin to my tone and the sound isn't lost on her. She makes a joke about how I only got that title by cheating and I playfully argue with her about how she's just jealous.

The teasing does exactly what I wanted it to. It distracts her from picking up on how the anger that's sewn itself to my soul is lurking just beneath the surface of my skin,  _begging_ to be released. Pleading with me to set it free and let it overtake me until Blake is nothing more than a bad memory in everyone's mind. I don't want to be that kind of person – the one with the anger that scares people. And standing out in the darkness with one of my best friends, making one shitty joke after another, I can almost fool myself into believing that I'll never become that person.

* * *

 

I talk with Valerie for a long time. Until we've exhausted ourselves and my heart's feeling a million times lighter. Even as I lock away those documents in the back of my car, wedged between the seats. I walk her to her car with more energy than I should probably have after standing out here in the cold for so long.

"I meant to bring Danny a gift tonight but… I guess you'll have to be his present instead," Valerie says with a wicked grin that I know better than to trust. That look is one that just screams trouble and I remember the exact same expression on her face every time she's gotten me into something with her.

"Whatever you're thinking, the answer's no," I say just we reach her car. She fake pouts and I ignore her, reaching out to open her door.

While my back is turned to her, I hear a rustling sound. When I turn back to look, she presses a bright red bow to the center of my chest. Her grin is wicked and the heat that rushes to my face makes me splutter.

She's cackling, clutching her sides, and barely manages to choke out, "Tell Danny… I-I said… happy birthday!" before she's dissolving into spluttered giggles.

"V-Valerie," I hiss, ripping the stupid bow from my chest. I fucking hate her for this. I'm not Danny's present. I could  _never_ be that for him. Cause he doesn't want me the way that I want him.

She's still laughing but I usher her into the car, eager for her to be out of my sight. Valerie climbs into the driver seat and sticks her tongue out before she starts the engine. That grin is still on her face and she's still letting out a few, quiet giggles every now and then. I don't know if I really want to wipe away that happiness from her but… I don't know if there'll be another time for me to say this.

"Thank you," I say softly, watching the way her eyebrows draw down momentarily before she realizes what I'm saying. Those two words travel beyond what she did for me by getting those documents. For a second, I wonder if my words have lost some of their meaning to her when she grips her steering wheel tighter. I wonder if Valerie doesn't want me to say anything. But a few seconds pass in silence before she nods and the smile she wears when she looks at me is genuine.

I push her door shut and watch her drive away before I head back inside. I'm shaking all over from the cold and I welcome the heat of the party when I step inside Danny's house again. I pass by Jeff and Star on the couch and Jeff gives me a fist-bump before I move on.

Paulina's hanging out at the edge of the room, just watching everyone dancing and partying but not taking part in it herself. She's watching two people dancing and it takes me a few seconds before I realize that one of those people is Danny.

He's dancing with some guy in our English class and the heart that I left inside with Danny is now lying at his feet. Seeing him happy is supposed to feel better than watching him fight back tears but… goddammit, does he have to be happy with someone other than me?

I push past people on my way upstairs and I stumble into Danny's sister's room. I find my jacket with everyone else's, shrugging it on even though I'm barely noticing the cold anymore. My mind's too distracted with Danny to think about something as stupid as whether or not I'm cold.

"He's been drinking," Paulina says softly from behind me. "I think it's started to hit him. That's… why he's dancing with Felix."

Of course, she'd know who that guy is. I glance over my shoulder at her. She's leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed and eyebrows drawn down as she watches me. Her gaze darts from me to the jackets behind me before she speaks. "Are you leaving?"

I want to. I want to just get in my car and drive away from this. I want to forget that I came tonight. God, why am I so fucking jealous, they're just  _dancing_. But fuck, why can't he be dancing with me? Even if he wouldn't remember it in the morning, even if he never brought it up again… I'd kill to dance with him.

"No," I respond, zipping my jacket closed before I turn back to Paulina with a shrug. "I'm gonna give it a little longer and then… take off, I guess."

"He's  _drunk_ , Dash," Paulina says, pushing away from the doorframe and crossing over to me. She puts her hands on my shoulders and shakes me a little. "He doesn't know what he's doing. He just wants to stop hurting for the night and… I think he deserves it."

Of course he deserves it. Danny deserves the whole fucking  _world_. How can I selfishly take him away from what he wants?  _Why can't he want me?_

"Yeah, he does," I respond, shrugging her hands off my shoulders with a heavy exhale. "He can do whatever he wants, I'm not gonna stop him. But I don't think I can watch him be with someone else. Not tonight."

Paulina grabs my arm when I try to pass by her and she keeps me from leaving the room. "He's  _drunk_ ," she repeats, giving me a look when I sigh. "He could hurt himself like this. Or end up having sex with someone when we both know that's not what he wants to do."

She gives my arm a little shake, maybe testing to see if I'm still listening even though I'm not looking at her. "We have to be here for him, Dash. We have to make sure that he stays safe. It's our job to watch out for him tonight."

Why do I have to watch him dancing with someone else and pretend that my heart isn't breaking? I've known for a long time that I would do anything to keep Danny safe but… why does it have to be this? Why can't I be risking my life or some shit to save him and at the end of everything, I fucking finally get to kiss him? Why can't that be how our story goes? Fuck action movies for getting my hopes up about how it feels to watch out for someone.

"I know," I respond softly, tugging my arm from Paulina's grip. I don't want to watch Danny dance with somebody that'll never be me but if it keeps him safe, I'll watch someone else hold him all night long.

* * *

 

Danny drinks all night. Every time I see him, he's got a drink in his hand. Or he's taking shots with my teammates. He's stumbling by 1am and I'm exhausted just watching him. He dances with everybody and anybody and though I might be biased, he makes an awkward pair with Jeff, who's too drunk to remember his own name.

Star hangs back with me and Paulina but she doesn't sip on a beer like Paulina does. And even though the other cheerleaders try to convince her to join them on the dance floor, she doesn't. I don't know if Paulina knows why Star's sitting this party out for the most part but I do. And whenever anyone offers her any alcohol, I take it before she has to refuse.

Most of the time, I pour the cup into this ugly houseplant the Fenton's have in one corner of the living room. But sometimes I down the drink in one gulp, hoping it's enough to dull the ache in my chest. Cause seeing someone else's hands on Danny's hips as they dance together hurts more than I can admit.

He's drunk and stumbling but he  _never_ stops smiling. And it keeps my ass rooted to my chair. Even when Star decides to take Jeff home and even when Paulina has to leave to stop her parents from calling her phone constantly, I stay on the couch, watching out for Danny. Sometimes I scroll through Facebook and sometimes I just watch the dance floor, waiting for it to be late enough to send everyone home.

Everyone here other than me is stumbling and drunk and it's weird being outside of it all. That used to be me. That's  _usually_ me. But tonight, it's Danny and every body he keeps dancing with.

Someone makes a joke about running out of alcohol and suddenly, they're all clamoring to get into the kitchen. The music's loud and everybody's obnoxious and I just want to go home. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of watching the boy I love dance with everyone but me.

I get up from the couch and follow the crowd into the dining room just as Danny climbs on the table. They're all chanting his name and he clumsily fills a shot glass, throwing it back amidst the cheers of the crowd.

"Tell us about yourself, birthday boy!" someone hollers from the crowd and I try to pick out who it is but the group is all just a bunch of faces with no names attached to them.

Danny laughs, filling up the shot glass again before he looks into the crowd. "You want to know about me?"

The crowd cheers back at him and something in my gut is telling me that this is a bad idea. But some girl from my Economics class speaks up before I can put a stop to this.

"Eighteen things! Tell us eighteen things – as many as you are old!" she says with a laugh that's more like a cackle. She's clearly hopped up on alcohol and everyone here is too drunk to remember any of this tomorrow morning. But this still doesn't feel right.

Danny swirls the shot glass, half the alcohol inside slopping onto the table. He looks down at the mess he's made and grins up at the crowd again.

"Number one – I love being drunk!" he yells to the crowd, throwing the shot back when they cheer. He quickly fills up the glass again, grinning at the people crowded around. "Number two – I've never been  _this_  drunk before!"

He throws the shot down again and I watch him refill it before I unstick myself from the door frame. I can't stand here and watch him get blackout drunk. He's my responsibility tonight.

"Danny, come on. I think you've had enough to drink," I call, wading my way through the crowd.

They all chant,  _"buzz kill!"_  over and over until it echoes through the room long after they've all gone silent. Danny looks through the crowd, still grinning, and oblivious to me.

"Three – I have a tattoo!"

He throws another shot down his throat and I push forward in the crowd. He's not saying anything damaging but there's no telling when he'll start. And despite all the times I call his name, he won't even look at me.

"Four – I used to let some guy on the football team fuck me!" he hollers out, his clumsy hands refilling the shot. He's pouring alcohol everywhere but he downs the shot and eagerly fills up another glass. "F-Five – sometimes, I wish he was  _still_ fucking me!"

I surge forward through the crowd, pushing people out of my way to get to him. "Danny, stop!" I call, grabbing him behind the knee. He stumbles just a bit and looks down at me, his glassy eyes barely registering me before he looks away again.

"Six – I've never been this in love and this lonely at the same time!"

When he swallows that shot down, I reach up and snatch the bottle from him. He yells something unintelligible, practically gargling the alcohol as he reaches to take the bottle from me. It's slippery from his sloppy pouring and I can't keep my grip on it. It falls from my hands and shatters against the floor.

"Wh-What am I supposed to drink noooow?" he whines, leaning heavily against me as he reaches for the shattered glass.

I loop my arms around his waist and drag him down from the table. "Danny, I… I think you've had enough."

He groans loudly, threading his fingers through my hair and pulling me down to meet his stare. "I'll never get enough, Baxter."

The heat in his eyes is unmistakable. But he's drunk and I'm sober. Even if I could trust the intensity I can see in his stare, it wouldn't be fair to either of us to be with him like this.

Everyone around us is chanting his name as I scoop him up into my arms, his head against my chest, the scent of alcohol radiating from him like a damn cologne. He's waving to the crowd as I carry him from the dining room to the staircase.

He blows kisses at everyone we pass but I don't stop. Danny's still laughing and when he turns his head until his breath is hitting my neck, I almost lose my balance in the middle of the staircase. My knees get weak at the sensation of his warmth against mine and I drag in a shaky breath to calm the way my heart has started to race.

"I… s-saw you watching me… all night long," he whispers, a shaky breath leaving him.

_Fuck_. I didn't expect him to pick up on it. I assumed he'd be way too drunk to realize what I was doing.  _How do I tell him that I was just trying to keep him safe when it's so much more than that?_

"Had to… make sure you kept yourself upright," I mumble, reaching the top of the staircase and starting for his bedroom. He laughs softly, pressing himself closer to my chest and I catch my breath as I awkwardly turn his doorknob.

I've taken one step inside when I feel Danny's lips against my neck and I lose all conscious thought. My body reacts to him and I know he can hear how fast my heart is pounding as a soft groan is dragged from me.

Danny pulls away to look at me, a smirk lighting up his features. "I knew you'd like that," he whispers, pushing away from me until I let him go. He's unsteady on his feet but he stays upright, sliding his arms around my neck as he pulls his face down to meet his.

Our lips don't touch but I can feel his breath across mine and I can't think. All I can focus on is his forehead resting against mine and the pounding of my own heart.  _He's so close to me. Just… a few more inches._

"I don't want to think," he whispers, a soft whine leaving him as he stumbles backward a few steps, pulling me with him. He pulls his face away from mine and ducks down to kiss my collarbones, tugging my jacket out of the way.

_Fuck, Danny._  I've wanted this for  _so_ long but it's here now and it's all wrong. He's drunk. He's too fucking drunk to do this with. It's wrong. It's all wrong. I'm-

My hands tremble as I place them on his back but he barely notices it. He's focused on unzipping my jacket and kissing his way down my chest as he drops to his knees.

"Danny, I-I…" I mumble, tangling my fingers in his hair.

He looks up at me, blinking in silence before he leans forward to kiss my abdomen again, a slight tremble of his lips as his clumsy fingers work to unbutton my jeans.  _God-fucking-dammit, Danny_. "I want this," he whispers, rising to his full height again and pulling me backward.  _I want it too._

"We don't…. have to think beyond tonight," he whispers, stumbling backward with me and I can only follow him. His hands on my body feel so damn  _good_ and I never want this moment to end. I want to crawl in his bed and make him forget that tonight ever happened. Make him only remember my name and the way I taste.

He stumbles backward until he hits his bed and falls backward, slipping out of my arms and against his mattress instead. He seems surprised at the contact and a small laugh escapes him as he reaches for me again. I'm all too eager to let myself be pulled back into his atmosphere.

"Danny, I…"  _I want this. More than I can say. More than I know_ how  _to say. I want you. I've always wanted you. Danny, I… I love you._

He groans softly beneath me and when he tries to pull me in for a kiss, he ends up hitting my nose with his instead. The action disorients him and though I pull back, intent on kissing him, I don't. Cause his eyes are unfocused and he's still reaching for me and I realize how wrong this whole thing is.

I shift until my elbows are resting against the mattress either side of Danny and heave myself upward, looking down at him in his drunk, disoriented state. "As much as I'd love to do this… we can't," I say, watching as he tries to focus on me.

His brows furrow and he blinks a couple times, frowning as he asks it. "Why not?"

"Because you're drunk and I'm not." I exhale out, shaking my head and mumbling to myself. "If we ever do this, I want both of us to remember it."

He licks his lips and his eyes fall closed again. He's barely conscious but he's still trying to slur out a few words, mumbling about how he's definitely not too drunk to do this and how he'll totally remember it and… he's incoherent. Drunk. Too drunk to get tangled up with me.

I push away from his mattress, exhaling out a heavy breath as Danny opens his eyes. He blinks a couple of times but it's obvious that he's only moments away from falling asleep. The crowd downstairs is oblivious to what almost was and I can still hear them chanting his name as I give him a small smile.

Danny groans softly as I move his legs up onto the mattress and slide his pillow under his head. His eyes flutter closed in the silence and I wish against everything that this was different. That he wasn't so drunk and that I wasn't so scared of telling him how I feel.

If he knew his own name, I'd kiss him. I'd press my lips to his in an  _instant_. I would fall onto the bed with him and make him  _love_ being under me. But I can't fuck someone that doesn't even remember where he is or who he's with.

"Why tonight?" I mumble, scratching the back of my head, talking more to myself than to Danny as I turn away from him. All this time between us… why would he choose  _tonight_ to get my attention? Maybe he's just drunk. Or maybe he's finally drunk enough to stop thinking about all the what if's the way I do.

Danny mumbles something softly and I try to tell myself that my mind's playing tricks on me. Because I don't want to believe what he's saying.

"What… was that?" I ask softly and he groans in response as I turn to look at him. He's rolled over onto his stomach, his face pressed into his pillow as he looks up at me. For a second, I wonder if he's going to talk again but I don't get a chance to ask again before he exhales heavily.

He shifts until his mouth isn't pressed into his pillow anymore, repeating what my heart desperately was hoping he wouldn't. "Cause I wanna… forget how much I miss Blake."

Part of me knew that this was too good to be true. Danny wanting me after all this time? Unlikely. Danny wanting to numb the pain and forget about everything that hurts? God,  _that_ I can fucking understand. Alcohol can only drown so much before you need another person there with you, holding you through the dark parts of the night. I'd  _kill_ to be that person for Danny but… I can't just be his one-night stand to forget his ex.

"You should get some rest," I say, keeping myself from choking as I talk, watching the pout form on his face before he opens his eyes again with a small whine. He stares up at me, blinking a few times in silence, as if he's trying to figure out why he should be sleeping.

Danny whines softly, grabbing onto my arm before I can move away from him. "No, I don't… wanna sleep," he mumbles, sitting up despite how unsteady he is. "I can't… sleep without a kiss," he says, a sleepy sort of grin on his face with the words.

_You have no idea how badly I want to kiss you._

I wonder how much of this he's going to remember in the morning… but fuck it, I'm so tired of not touching him. I can't drag a smile up from the depths of my soul for this moment. But I lean down just far enough to press my lips against his forehead and he groans at the contact. I pull away before I have the chance to linger too long but I smile at him despite the way my heart is aching. I can't do anything to him when he's too drunk to remember any of it in the morning.

"Night, Danny," I say, stepping away from him until his hand falls from me. He whines again, collapsing back onto his mattress and I leave his room, closing the door behind me. I tell myself that it's better this way. I want him to remember the moment I press my lips to his and not have it stained with the bitter taste of alcohol.

* * *

 

Everyone downstairs is still drinking and the music is pounding but I start kicking everyone out. I send the people too drunk to remember their own names home in Uber's and by the time 3 ticks around, I've closed the door after the last person.

I make one final sweep of the house, checking the rooms upstairs and the kitchen again to make sure I haven't missed anyone, before I return to the living room where the music is still playing. And seeing the floor, littered with red cups and empty beer cans, reminds me of when I walked in here earlier and saw Danny dancing. He had his eyes closed, moving his hips to the beat like nobody else. He was so transfixed by the music, it was mesmerizing. I wish I could have that moment again. I wish I would have been brave enough to cross the dance floor and hold him in my arms instead of losing my chance to other people.

I should probably head home but… his place is completely trashed. Empty cups and garbage are strewn everywhere throughout the kitchen and dining room and dishes are piled in the sink from something I must have missed. I'm exhausted but I don't want Danny to have to deal with this first thing in the morning and there's no one else here.

The stereo is still playing softly – some playlist from Danny's phone – and I turn it up just a little before I start gathering up the trash in the living room, my mind running a million miles. I don't want to think about what Danny said to me upstairs. I don't want to know that I'm just a distraction to him.

I try not to think so I look for where the Fenton's keep their trash bags and I find a box of them in a kitchen cabinet. I gather up the trash, listening to the music coming from Danny's stereo and trying not to wonder if I'll only ever be a distraction to him. Considering how he's made fun of me before for listening to *NSYNC, I should probably tease him about putting One Direction on a playlist but… I'll let him sleep for now.

I clean up the garbage strewn throughout the house and start a small collection of things people left behind. Three phones and two shoes make it into the pile just in the living room alone – and in the kitchen I find a jacket, somebody's earrings, and Jeff's wallet.

The downstairs area is definitely more of a wreck than the upstairs is but I still check up the stairs anyway, clearing out everything that doesn't belong. Somebody ditched their cup in the bathroom tub and I carry it down the stairs to the trash bag I've been gathering everything else into.

Danny doesn't make a sound while I'm cleaning up and it isn't until I'm loading the dishes into the dishwasher that I hear him. His bedroom door creaks open and his footsteps sound across the landing. The bathroom door shuts behind him and I don't have to strain my ears for too long until I hear the shower water start running.

I finish loading up the last of the dishes and after searching for the dishwasher soap, I start the wash cycle. It quietly starts up its hum of washing and I move back into the living room, straightening up everything that's out of place.

It's just before six and the sun's slowly started rising outside. I watch it out the kitchen window for a few minutes. Until the shower water cuts off, pulling me back into reality. So I head back into the living room, exhaustion pulling at me.

The living room is the last to put back in order and I've just finished straightening the Fenton's DVD collection when I hear the creak of the stairs. Danny's slowly moving down the staircase and I hesitate for a second, wondering if I should announce myself or wait until he passes by the living room.

When his footsteps stop at the bottom of the stairs, I decide to let him know I'm still here and I wander over to the entry to the living room, leaning against the doorframe. "Hey," I call softly, watching the way he turns to me like a deer caught in headlights.

He blinks slowly, hesitating a few seconds before he wanders over closer to me. "H-Hey," he whispers, clearing his throat a few times to gain strength. "Uhh… wh-what are you… still doing here?"

I don't know if telling him that I didn't want to leave him with this mess in the morning is something a friend would say or not but I haven't had time to prepare an excuse. I didn't expect him to wake up before I left.

"I just thought… that you wouldn't want to have to deal with the mess of a party first thing in the morning."

Danny's cheeks flush and he scoffs a little, looking away from me. "Well… thank you," he says softly. He keeps his gaze turned away as he folds his arms over his chest, rubbing at one arm as though he's cold.

He takes a few steps away from me and exhales out quietly. "I'm gonna get some water," he says, crossing the hallway into the kitchen and I watch from the doorway, torn between going after him and giving him space.

I duck back into the living room to switch the music off. I unplug his phone from the stereo and power the machine off, passing his phone between my hands once or twice before I start for the kitchen.

Danny's standing beside the sink, one hand braced on the counter and the other around a glass half-full of water. He looks up when I step into the kitchen and I set his phone on the counter beside him. He glances at it for a second before he nods, lifting the glass to his mouth again and taking in a few large swallows.

I watch his throat move for only a few seconds before I look away from him. It isn't the time to stare at him the way I've always done in the past. I might be falling for him but he's just looking for someone to ease the aching in his chest.

"Probably not gonna be a surprise to you but… my head's killing me," Danny mutters softly, running his hand down his face with a heavy sigh. He glances toward me as he sets the glass down and swipes his phone from the counter.

He makes a face at whatever loads up on his screen and flicks his stare up to meet mine. "Judging from these photos… I'm guessing I made an idiot of myself tonight?" he asks, taking a step closer and turning his phone toward me.

On his screen is a photo of him with his arms slung around two of my teammates, all three of them grinning at whoever took the photo. He didn't make an idiot of himself tonight. I pulled him down from the table before he could say too much and… other than a slew of hangovers, I don't think anyone will remember this come Monday morning.

"It wasn't… that bad." I let out a breath when he looks at me, disbelief clear in his expression. "I stopped it from getting horrible. You just got really drunk," I tell him, shrugging as I step away. I don't want to keep distance between us but it still hurts to be this close to him. Because I want him more than he'll ever want me.

Danny frowns a little as he sets his phone on the counter again and I force a small smile onto my face. "Sorry, I'm just tired. I should head home," I tell him, putting more space between us than my heart wants. I don't want to leave him like this but… I really am tired.

I'm exhausted from trying to chase after him and make him see me as more than just a friend. I'm tired of seeing everyone I care about having to deal with shit. I'm tired of having to deal with my  _own_ shit. I'm tired of not having everything together and I'm so fucking tired of not being able to see past my own selfish wants.

"I'll see you… later today, I guess," I say, forcing a bigger smile on my face as I start away from Danny. He follows after me in silence and I don't speak either. I just double check that I have my wallet along with Jeff's, my keys, and my phone before I tug open his front door.

Danny's watching me in silence as I turn back to look at him and I don't know what to say. Goodbye seems so simple but there's nothing else for me to say. I'm not the kind of person that breathes words of comfort and I don't know how to ease someone else's hurt. All I know how to do is take.

I can only smile again but I think even he knows that it's forced this time. "Goodnight, Danny," I say before I turn to the door again. I get as far as putting my hand on the screen door before he stops me.

"Wait," he calls, crossing the foyer over to where I'm standing. I step back when he gets close to me and I let go of the door as he pulls it from me. He's silent for a few seconds before he pushes the door closed and leans his back against it, hesitating a moment before he looks up at me.

His blue eyes seem so much more alive now than any other time I've seen him. I don't know why but his gaze makes my breath catch in my throat.

"You don't have to go," he whispers softly. Like something in him has seen something in me and he's decided that he likes whatever piece of my broken soul he's examined. But it's only wishful thinking on my part. He's not stopping me because of anything I've done. He just doesn't want to be alone.

I let out a breath, tearing my gaze away from his unguarded expression. I don't want to push him away but I can't do this. I can't let myself get tangled up in someone that will only want me for the night. Because as badly as I want Danny, I can never be good for him.

"I think you should get some rest," I respond softly, somehow managing to look back at him. He swallows hard and I  _feel_ my heart jump.  _God, Danny. Do you even know how much you're killing me?_

Danny drops his stare to the floor and runs his tongue along his bottom lip. He takes a step away from the door before looking up at me again, his cheeks flushed a pink so pretty, I know it can't be for me. Nothing that beautiful will ever belong to a guy like me.

"My parents… won't be home until Sunday," he whispers, taking another step closer to me. Until we're  _inches_ from each other. Until I can feel the air around us shake as he draws in a breath. Until I see stars just from how bad my soul  _longs_ for him.

God, I want him. I want to stop fucking thinking about everything that's gonna go wrong if we're together. I don't want to let myself be talked out of this but… it's not right. Seeing Blake tonight has made Danny vulnerable. He would  _never_ be talking to me like this if he didn't feel the need to drown the loneliness.

"I can't stay," I respond, my voice coming out quieter than I meant it to. I don't want to hurt Danny but I have to make him see that this can't happen. Not tonight. And when he takes my hand in his, looking up at me with a hesitation in his eyes, I know I have to be clearer. "Paulina's waiting on me."

Danny drops my hand almost immediately, surprise clear in his expression. He takes a small step backward from me, opening and closing his mouth without a sound.  _God, I don't want to hurt you. Please don't hate me._

"It's just to talk," I say in an attempt to soften the blow but he doesn't look convinced.

He runs a hand up and down his arm, exhaling out heavily before he looks at me again. "This late? You're… meeting up with her just to  _talk_?" he asks, the curiosity clearly marred by something else. Some other emotion he's trying hard to conceal.

I don't know what to say in response so I say nothing, dropping my gaze to the floor. There's nothing to say that isn't going to hurt him and that's the last thing I want to do. But… I can't let him keep me here either. Because there's no telling what will happen if I stay the night.

"You're with Paulina again?" he asks softly, the worry clear in his tone. He crosses his arms tightly over his chest again, a shaky breath leaving him. "When did that happen?"

I don't want to lie to him but I need to go. Because if I don't, I'll do things to him that he'll regret in the morning. And I promised myself I'd keep Danny safe tonight. Even if the person I'm protecting him from is me.

"We're just seeing where things go from here," I lie, shrugging in an attempt to look casual about it. I don't know how to pretend that my heart isn't breaking from the look on his face but I disguise it as well as I can. "It just sort of… happened."

Danny swallows hard, looking away from me and I don't miss the fact that he's blinking rapidly. And it hurts me to know that I've caused this. I've pushed him again but this time, I'm not doing it for my own selfishness. I'm doing it to protect him. Despite how much he's hurting, I promise myself that this is for him.  _Please don't cry for me, Danny. I promise you, I'm not worth your tears._

"I should go," I say softly, stepping away from him and toward the door again.

He mumbles something under his breath and I don't catch all of it but I hear enough. He's hurting. Wondering why I'm going back to her. Even if this was a real thing, even I was really leaving so I could be with Paulina, it's not like it would erase the way I feel for him.

"Danny, what's wrong with this? Why does me going to see Paulina bother you?" I ask, all of my willpower slowly slipping away from me as I turn back to look at him. His back is still to me but I know he's listening. And I don't want to leave here tonight if this isn't just about Blake.

He won't look back at me and that cuts more than it should. "Nothing's wrong with it, Dash," he says, matching my step toward him with one away. He shakes his head, shrugging like it doesn't matter but it does.  _It does._

"Maybe I'll call up Blake after you're gone," he says, a certain edge to his tone that sends my heart into my throat.

"Why would you do that?" I ask, my own voice soft and weak on the few words.

Danny looks over his shoulder, shrugging once before he turns to face me. He's giving me a look like I should know why he's considering it. Like it's my fault that he's entertaining the idea of falling asleep in Blake's arms tonight. If he's doing this because he's lonely, then I'll drop all my fucking pretenses and I'll stay with him.

"Danny, I-"

"I'm tired of being alone, Dash," he breathes, looking away from me as his bottom lip trembles. "And it's not like… anyone else is lining up to be with me."

_Let me be the one, Danny. Please. Want me for more than just a balm to your aching heart and I swear, I'd stay with you forever._

Danny lets out a soft breath, folding his arms over his chest as he looks my way again. "Was he… upset when you sent him home earlier?"

I don't care if he was. He was fucking with Danny's emotions and he  _punched_ Jeff. I don't care what the hell Blake was feeling.

"How you can feel anything for him?" I ask before I think it through.

Danny shrugs but from the look on his face, I know there are a thousand things he wants to tell me. So I push for it with just a look and he gives in with a sigh.

"You didn't know him like I did. Before all of this shit… Blake was good. He was  _kind_ , Dash." He chews on his bottom lip, unable to hold my gaze for long. "Before he started building up walls to keep people out, he was a kind person. He treated me… so well."

"I find that hard to believe." It's out of my mouth before I can stop it but I realize I don't want to take it back.

Danny looks at me. "That's because you didn't know him."

"Fine – maybe he wasn't an ass to you before. But he is now," I argue. "How can you care about him after everything he's done? After all the ways he's hurt you?"

He shrugs one shoulder so I push again. "That's not an answer."

Danny's expression darkens and he looks away from me in the silence. I hate this space that's opening up between us. It's filled with all of our misunderstandings and the things neither one of us are brave enough to say. He can't explain why he wants to even consider the idea of inviting Blake over when I'm gone. I can't find the words to say that I want to be the one that spends the night with him, even if I know he won't want me in the morning.

"Dash, he was my first," Danny whispers softly.

_Fuck_. It's hard to swallow past the words hanging in the air between us now but I find my voice before my brain catches up to my heart. I speak without thinking and I don't want to know the answer. I'm  _afraid_ of the answer. But I ask it anyway.

"First what?"

He lets out a heavy breath, blinking rapidly as he raises his stare to the ceiling. " _Everything_ ," he breathes, squeezing his eyes closed. "The first boy I ever kissed. First person I ever had sex with… the first person I gave my heart to." He places his hand over his chest where his heart is and lets out a breath that shakes. "My first love and my first heartbreak. His hold on me… eve after everything… it stretches beyond anything I can comprehend."

_Fuck_. This complicates everything.

"Danny, I-"

When he lets out another shaky breath, I stop talking. There's nothing I can say to ease this damage between us. This space is more like a chasm, opening wider and wider the longer we both talk. I'm terrified to fall in. But if I don't jump, I'll never make it over to his side. I'll never know if we have a chance at anything.

"If… there's something you want me to say… then just tell me," I whisper, closing some of the distance between us. "Cause I can't keep guessing what you need to hear."

He drops his hand from his heart and I immediately take his hand in mine. I can't stop myself from ducking my head and dragging my lips along his knuckles. His face flushes with the action but he doesn't say a word, staring back at me like he's trying to read my expression. Like he's trying to figure out why I'm doing this now. After telling him that I don't want to spend the night. After saying that I'm figuring this out with Paulina.

"I don't want you to say anything, Dash," he whispers, pulling his hand from mine.

It's simple. Things aren't complicated between us because there  _isn't_ an us. He doesn't want me and I'm used to building up walls to protect my heart. He wants Blake or someone better at this than me – he could never want  _me_. He's been trying to chase out the loneliness tonight and I was just the person that was here. No matter what I do, he'll never want me the way that I want him.

I think I expected to feel some kind of relief from finally having my answer. To finally know that I don't belong with him and that I never will. Because I'm not the kind of person to kiss bruises or hold someone through the darkness. I expected to feel relieved that he won't be looking for that in me anymore but I don't. I just feel empty.

Danny doesn't look at me when I tell him goodnight and I leave his house without hearing another word from him. I pull the door closed behind me and he locks it almost immediately. Part of me aches for him, for the long night ahead where he's alone in that empty house. Or maybe he'll make that phone call and Blake will be the one spending the night with him. I ache for Danny. But I ache for me too. Because I don't know what to do with this stupid, broken heart anymore.

I stumble down his front steps and walk over to my Mitsubishi, weaving through the maze of cars abandoned in front of his house from people that were way too drunk to drive themselves home. I climb in behind the wheel and though I start my engine and get the heat going immediately, I have a feeling I'll be cold the whole way home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooooo!
> 
> So first, I've been editing this thing for a month omg. I wanted to get an update in before now but oh well. Life happened. Point is, it's here now and I hope it's every bit as angsty as you were hoping it would be
> 
> SO. Danny's birthday. The party. Th s… anything you have to say about any of this, please let me know, I'm dying to hear what you're thinking about all of this
> 
> This chapter went through so many changes, it's pretty much unrecognizable from the first version of it. And even though there was a lot of doubt in my mind during the editing process, I'm actually really happy with the way it came out. This might be my favorite chapter ever… also I'm sorry about how frustrating it is – believe me, I wish the boys could just kiss too!
> 
> There's so much to unpack with this chapter, I don't know where to start. What do you think of the whole pregnancy storyline with Star? That was something that wasn't planned from the start. But when I hit this chapter in terms of writing, I wrote it in and that was that pretty much
> 
> What do you think of Blake? Is Danny an idiot for thinking of Blake after everything he's done? Do you feel like he's testing Dash by mentioning that he wants to call Blake?
> 
> Oh and Dash now has the files on the phantom! What do you think he's going to do with them? What do you WANT him to do with them? What do you think of Valerie sticking that bow on his chest? Gotta admit, I cracked up when I thought of the idea and I knew I had to include it somehow
> 
> I could probably keep going on about this chapter forever so I'll leave it there. The song I chose this title from is Let Me Love the Lonely by James Arthur. My dudes… listen to it. It's probably the most Dash and Danny song I've ever mentioned here. Just… so much yes
> 
> Thank you so much for coming back update after update to see how the boys are doing. I'm sorry things are so desperate between them right now. Expect more of the same next chapter as well as two boys stargazing, the return of Howard, and plenty of angst to go around
> 
> See you next update!


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